Tag: Veteran

Sufficient IS The Word

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Sufficient Is The Word

It’s been 19 years. 19 years since my life changed. I’m not sure why young men are so anxious to go to war. Between personal experience, and how it’s portrayed in movies, young men are all too excited to go to war and fight for what they believe in. The idea of going to war is also one of fear, and we think nothing of what is to come. 

Psalm 144:1 

144 Blessed be the Lord my Rock,

Who trains my hands for war,

And my fingers for battle—

I have told this story many times, the morning was beautiful. There was a quiet in the air. The streets empty, contrast to the normally busy, bustling city. The absence of people could only mean one thing… War. The explosions making trucks disappear, the sound of bullets ricocheting off of the truck, and RPG’s flying overhead and all around the truck, exploding nearby. War was upon us, and the well-coordinated ambush could be our last. But God, had a different plan for us. Early in the ambush my posture changed and I felt a warm feeling come over my body, it came with a strange peace. The feeling of something covering my hands, holding my body still, providing comfort and security, covered my whole body. When the conflict was over, the feeling disappeared, and the emotions flooded to the surface, my body shook, and anyone near me could tell. During the fifteen minutes of hell, the truck was a loud place, screaming and gunfire from the inside, explosions from the outside, and all the while I was at peace. Only upon stopping at the convoy had I learned the fate of my truck. The last mile, the truck would not go faster than around five miles per hour. After my foot came off the gas and the truck stopped running, it would not start again for many weeks. The truck took catastrophic damage, and upon further investigation, the truck had taken so much damage, the major fluids were not present. Oil began spraying the hood, and up onto the windshield. Grace, it seems, covered the truck in protection, and guided us to safety. 

Grace, in this instance, I believe whole heartedly was the Holy Spirit. If not the Holy Spirit, an Angel sent by God to guide us to safety. Either way, sent by God to protect us. God chose to save us, and it would be years before I came to understand the saying of Paul,

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Paul pleaded with God to remove the thorn in his flesh, a messenger of Satan, to buffet him. Why would it take me so long to reach the same conclusion? I had seen death and destruction, and knew it was the Lord that saw me through, but it would take me years to hear in my own head, “your grace is sufficient.” 

We love to live in our sins. We love to think we have control over our own lives. We think God is a cosmic Santa Clause there for our needs and our wants, but we don’t see Him as Lord, just savior. There is a saying, “there are no atheists in a fox hole.” There is so much of God’s beauty in this world, yet, we often ignore the creator, and we as a society have begun to worship the created. 

Isaiah 40:28-31

28 Have you not known?

Have you not heard?

The everlasting God, the Lord,

The Creator of the ends of the earth,

Neither faints nor is weary.

His understanding is unsearchable.

29 He gives power to the weak,

And to those who have no might He increases strength.

30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary,

And the young men shall utterly fall,

31 But those who wait on the Lord

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

If we are to walk in the faith, we must see the world, see the sin, see God in His creation. We must see that God created all, and His grace is what keeps us here. God keeps us here in his Mercy. God gives us these things day to day, and yet we turn to the creation, we turn to the stars, we turn to ourselves, and our idols, before we see an everlasting God. 

In recent years I have often felt weary, and tired. I look to the world to see what’s going on around me, and I find myself broken hearted. How far we, a once shining nation, a nation under God, a light on the hill, has now fallen. Other countries now look to the U.S. as morally bankrupt. A corrupt and leaderless nation, full of debauchery, a nation that now looks more “amoral: having no moral standards, restraints, or principles; unaware of or indifferent to questions of right or wrong: than ever before.” (Dictionary.com) During these times of personal struggle, I have tried to stay firm, and strong, despite the pushback I have experienced. I have been called names, I have been ridiculed, and I have seen people leave out of my life. I have come to realize, it isn’t just God’s grace that is sufficient, but God’s Holy Word also. Scripture is sufficient. Scripture is truth, and no other opinion matters. “The Word of God is the anvil upon which the opinions of men are smashed.” (Charles H. Spurgeon) 

Why did I survive 19 years ago? Why during all the close calls, did I make it home, when so many others did not. 68 combat deaths, and hundreds of purple hearts, and I made it home with just a few scratches, and some emotional scars. God is sovereign, his Will is perfect. 

Isaiah 40:31

31 But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

I cannot fathom today a life without Jesus. I know I would not be here times over, had it not been for Jesus being with me. Having been spared in Iraq, then many times since then, and as I approach yet another anniversary beyond today, I am reminded the power, and mercy, and love of the Father and Christ. I would not be here if it wasn’t for that grace, and I cannot call it luck either. Nothing happens outside of the will of God, so while we say lucky out of habit, in reality, it is God’s will. Perhaps some day I may know why God chose to spare me 19 years ago, along with my crew, but for today, I trust in Him. I remember that day, and find myself thankful. I am thankful for the hardships and the blessings that have come from it. I am thankful for where I am today, even if life today is far from easy. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, and I am thankful for all I have. Some days I break down and cry, hoping for an easier life, hoping for an easier time, but I know if it’s God’s will, He will bring me out of the valley, and I will be at peace. However, in my prayers, and in my hope, I find peace of spirit, even on the battle field today. The war for me in Iraq may be over, but the spiritual war is far from that. I have a new mission, and it’s to provide for my family, and be in constant prayer. Lead my family and pray always. As a man, I am to lead by example. Lead my family in worship at home. Be the spiritual head of the household. Today, and always the Lords grace is sufficient. His will, his love, his Holy word, is sufficient. 

Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

Do we Trust 

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Do we Trust 

Hardships are simply part of this world. Some things we bring upon ourselves. Some things we face are due to other sinful people. And some things are acts of nature allowed by God. When we choose the wrong partner, quit a job for dumb reasons, turn to a substance for comfort, acts of crime or just do something stupid, those things we bring upon ourselves. When your house is burgled, someone spreads rumor or lies about you, these are products of living around sinners. When the person at the grocery store is rude towards you, or your significant other cheats, these things are things from sinful people. Acts of nature are storms, flat tire, water heater going bad, illness, etc. We must understand where hardships come from and why. 

It’s been 7 years since I was broken to the bedrock of my existence. Where I experienced a nuclear bomb exploding, and I watched my life turn from what looked like a good life from the outside, and even appeared that way to myself, to a broken down, foundation cracking, life altering experience. 

I think back to Paul riding to Damascus with orders to bring those of the way to “Justice”. Paul, a man of prestige, wealth, power, notoriety, a zealous man, bringing forth his version of Justice to those who follow “the way”. He was a persecutor of the church. So why then would he become one of them? God has a tendency to uproot our lives and set us on a different path. What I didn’t know at that time in my life 7 years ago, was, what Satan meant for evil, the Lord used for good. 

I have spoken about the specificity of what happened to me before, and debated whether to talk about it again, or not. I was angry, and lost, and couldn’t imagine why a loving God would bring me to the point I was at in my life. Why would he allow the sinful nature of someone else bring me to where I was. Why would he allow me to be hurt like that? The fact is, Sinful people hurt sinful people. We do not live our ‘best life now’, because God saves that for Heaven. We as Christians will face the bumpy road, the road of toil and troubles. Satan often tries to show us the easy, straight path, and in our nature, we want the path of ease, comfort, and peace. Sadly the kind of peace most seek is not the same peace scripture tells us to aspire to live in. We often take what Satan offers to us. We take the first step, we give in to the first temptation, and before we know it, we are neck deep in sinful thoughts, decisions, and despair. 

But God, will often use what we go through to help others. God will often use our past, post salvation, to help others walk the path. Our testimony is a powerful tool for sharing or providing an opening for the Gospel, but feelings do not equate to truth, so be careful not to confuse the two. While my testimony is a very emotional one, I would not want anyone to confuse my emotional testimony as proof the gospel is real. My testimony does not need to prove anything, except what the gospel and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has done for me. The gospel and holy scripture speaks for itself. There is proof in scripture, and evidence can be found in extra biblical sources if one truly seeks to find the truth. We as people often don’t want to know the truth. “The truth…All it did was anger those who preferred lies and confusion and backspinning in the hope of making themselves look better.” (Eli, pg. 288, Thrawn) We see the Pharisees in scripture look at truth in the face, and rejected it. The truth however can be powerful, as the saying goes, ‘no one knowingly dies for a lie.’ 

I would die for my faith if I had too, or at least I say I would. We never truly know what we would do until we are put in that situation. I’ve also heard, and as fitting as today is, ‘terrorists die for the faith they believe in all the time.’ And while yes this is also true, it is what they believe. Consider this however, if the conspiracy theory is actually true, that the apostles made up the Jesus story, why then, would they, who would have beyond a doubt known the truth, give up their lives for a lie? Scripture airs out the dirty laundry of the characters in the book. The highs and lows of every character is put out there for the world to see. The truth has remained the test of time because it is the truth. As I have posted before, women were chosen to be the first eye witnesses of the empty tomb. https://thearrowpreacher.com/2018/08/13/women-why-women/ The men in scripture who’s mistakes were written to show their imperfection, and the contrast, Jesus who became sin so those who believe and look upon Him in faith, may be saved from our sentence of eternal torment in Hell. There were so many eye witnesses to the risen Jesus, the Roman empire could not silence the movement. 

Risen For You

“When the Apostils watched in horror as their Lord was nailed to a cross after being brutally beaten, they were crushed in spirit. They were utterly without hope, but after 3 days the blood debt was paid, the victory lap had been made, and Christ would rise and make himself seen fulfilling the prophesy and destroying deaths hold over the sinner for all eternity.” (Arrow Preacher, ‘Peace’, https://thearrowpreacher.com/2018/04/06/peace/)

In 2018 I wrote and shared a paper about truth. 

Fighting Terrorism

Bad things happen all the time, and at the heart of all this is, do we trust God’s plan? As we look at today being the 9/11 anniversary, do we trust in God’s plan? When you hurt, do you trust God’s plan? When someone you care about is take from you, do you trust in God’s plan?

We don’t always get the answers to why, but we do have answers to why in a broad scope. We live in a fallen world, and sin runs abound. We look at the life of Job, Joseph, Jeremiah, Paul, and the martyrs that came after. Why did they suffer for their faith? God had a plan, and all we can do is trust in that plan. 

Why God?

Trusting in the plan may be one of the hardest things we do, perhaps even harder than accepting God as savior. I have seen so many walk away from the faith when things get hard, or when they lose family members. The hardships will come and keep coming. Hardships as I spoke of recently are sometimes thrust upon us, sometimes we bring these things upon ourselves. Our choices matters and we should live a cautious tale of blaming God for hardships we face. We are not the only ones that face hardships of our own making. The Israelites complained and sinned before a Holy God just days after being freed from the bondage of servitude in Egypt. Their complaints and actions caused the forty-year exodus. An entire generation doomed themselves to live out their days in the desert. 

Numbers 21:4-7

4 Then they journeyed from Mount Hor by the Way of the Red Sea, to go around the land of Edom; and the soul of the people became very discouraged on the way. 5 And the people spoke against God and against Moses: “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and our soul loathes this worthless bread.” 6 So the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and many of the people of Israel died.

7 Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, “We have sinned, for we have spoken against the Lord and against you; pray to the Lord that He take away the serpents from us.” So Moses prayed for the people.

To this point, the Lord God has taken care of His people, delivering them from Egypt, enemies, hunger, and thirst, yet they complain at the first sign of trouble. But God, sends a sign, 

Numbers 21:8-

8 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Make a fiery serpent, and set it on a pole; and it shall be that everyone who is bitten, when he looks at it, shall live.” 9 So Moses made a bronze serpent, and put it on a pole; and so it was, if a serpent had bitten anyone, when he looked at the bronze serpent, he lived.

Do we look upon the cross and have faith? We are told through scripture; we are saved by faith and faith alone. Mirroring Numbers, we look upon the cross and have faith because Jesus had to die for us. We are wretched sinners, who bring most of our troubles upon ourselves, and we must repent of those sins and trust in Jesus. The Father’s will is sovereign and we must trust his plan. I heard this recently, “Why y’all blamin’ God for your problems? Most of y’all’s problems came from not listening to Him to begin with.” (Unknown) 

When we choose not to live in God’s will, we cannot complain when things go badly. When we are out having unprotected sex with anyone we want, why do we blame God for getting pregnant, or sick? When we choose drugs instead of church, why do we blame God for our families falling apart? When we lie, cheat, steal, and live in our sexual immorality, knowing God cannot bless those things, why are we surprised when hardships come to our door? 

Years ago I wrote this “If we are to live our lives on our path, we need to focus on what kind of character in God’s game we want to be. We have our option to how we behave.” (Arrow Preacher, https://thearrowpreacher.com/2018/03/27/god-the-ultimate-dungeon-master/) While my understanding of God has changed since the writing of this post, and I have grown, I do still maintain, some things we bring on ourselves because of our actions, and some things are going to come our way no matter what we do. We must understand that troubles build character, and in all things, good and bad we must turn to the Lord. 

Romans 5:3-5

3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

On this anniversary of 9/11, have faith in the Lord. In the midst of troubles, in a sinful, and fallen world, we must turn our face to the Father, and trust no matter what comes our way, we are soldiers on the front lines, and we fight the good fight every day. We must trust in the Father, and know that Jesus is at the right hand of the father moderating for you and I. We must trust that the Holy Spirit is with us daily, and we are never alone in the fight. We must continue to grow in our faith, and in our knowledge of God’s Holy Word. Continue to learn, get off of the milk and onto the meat of scripture. 

Today, the seventh of anniversary that I gave my life to the Lord. I succumbed to my own sin, and having realized I cannot do anything without the Lord with me, I gave my life to Him, and finally listened to the call, God put upon my heart. I began to serve, and continue to serve. Since then, while my life is full of hardships, I have hope. I struggle with money, with food, with my living situation, with my health, and in no way did choosing to follow God, make my life easy. It did not. My problems did not magically disappear. Money did not begin flowing my way. I was not miraculously healed of my major infirmities. Choosing to follow and trust in Jesus does not mean everything will be easy. On the contrary, choosing Jesus is like grabbing a Kevlar, and joining the front lines of the war. Being a soldier on the front line is never easy, but knowing what the cost of not knowing Jesus is, there is no argument to not trust in Jesus. Jesus is “the way the truth and the life, no one gets to the father except through ‘me’.” Put your hope in him as I have. Sometimes life is still hard and full of pain, but through the pain, hope and peace are multiplied to you. It’s never too late to choose Jesus. It’s never too late to see the truth that scripture is real, it is truth, and we are wretched sinners in need of a savior. 

The Battle Continues 

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The Battle Continues: 

It’s been well over a decade since an excited and scared kid ended up in the Middle East. He was filled with honor and duty. He thought he could single handedly save the day, or die in a blaze of glory. The truth was much less glorious. The days were long and hot, and difficult to the core of his being. The time for training was over, and the realization that every day could be the last on Earth, didn’t escape him. The desert heat and the sand that came with was a constant reminder he wasn’t in Michigan anymore. The constant bang of outgoing artillery, along with the sound of helicopters, and then the not so occasional incoming mortars and rockets kept the adrenalin at an unhealthy but necessary high. Was he broken already, because his fight or flight seemed to be. He barely winced when the explosions occurred at random throughout the day. At one point several months in that dingy and dirty place, he was on the roof, the faint pops of incoming rounds and yet, he stood tall upon the building, watching the rounds fall from the sky and the impacts causing dust and debris to fill the air. What was wrong with him, that these things didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. Months prior less than a month into the deployment a well-planned ambush locked his crew in a dangerous game of surviving the maze. The enemy was ready and planned the route, a kill box. A few hundred to two. Two trucks against a couple hundred of well-armed insurgents. With IED’s *Road Side Bombs, set in wait, along with hundreds of armed men and even some women with shoulder fire rockets *RPG’s, and rifles. What hope could a couple trucks have against multiple city blocks of the house of terrors? The answer would come in the most unusual way. Psalm 144:1-2 “Blessed be the Lord my Rock,

Who trains my hands for war, And my fingers for battle— 2 My lovingkindness and my fortress,

My high tower and my deliverer, My shield and the One in whom I take refuge, Who subdues my people under me.” My fingers and hands were indeed trained for war, and in the middle of the battle I felt as if a presence had taken over my hands, guiding me, showing me how to get out of the kill zone. A sense of peace in the middle of the battle took hold of me. While there were screams of war surrounding me, and the sounds of weapons fire, explosions, and a dying truck, peace was with me. Holy Spirit, Angel sent by the Lord, I can’t say, but I know we were delivered by God from the midst of battle. The battle wages on in my head on a regular basis, but not so much as the fateful day when the world changed, the scars left behind would forever alter that kid who went to war as a kid, but would emerge something else. 

“War is Hell” (Sherman) This seems so simplistic yet, real. War never really leaves us. “War, it doesn’t leave you. It… It can, it can bury itself, but it’s, it’s always there.” (Christine Chapel, ST. SNW) 

War, leaves a mark, one that most cannot see. The things soldiers see in the course of their duty is that of nightmares, things we have become desensitized too in our lives due to Hollywood. Those who choose to wear the uniform bare the burdens of nightmares, and emotional scars, so that others may not have too. Freedom comes at a high price, and love it, or hate the politics involved, some bullies need to be stopped. Some battles must be waged by those who can, to protect those who can’t. The time to act was put before us, and no matter the truth as to why we were there, we were in fact there. The politics, and the reasons no longer mattered when the mission had become survive and to the best you can to impact your area in the most positive way possible. Attempt to bring peace and prosperity to where you were. Scripture says “18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18. Some days, the war comes to you, it hurts, it breaks you, and leaves you down on the floor, wondering how, why, did it all come to this? 

The destruction of one Humvee is always a risk, one that the higher ups deemed as an acceptable one. The missions came daily, and all we soldiers could do was hope they were worth it. The explosion rings in my mind every day. The sight of the plomb of black smoke, one tan door a hundred feet into the sky, and a soldiers worst nightmare became reality. Four dead. What happened in those hours would both destroy lives, and create a new family. Tragedy often brings people together in ways that still surprises me. How do we get through such gruesome and tragic endings? Time, prayer, and family. War leaves a mark, and it never leaves. Some days, something comes to mind and it picks at the wounds, causing it to bleed, to tear open, and there is often little comfort. 

Psalm 23

23 The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

We cannot change the past, and we cannot ignore it either. When the days come that the war comes back, we must give it, it’s due. We must acknowledge it, see it for what it is, and deal with it accordingly. Finding peace in tragedy is one of the hardest things a soldier will do. The training of a soldier is to change that person, train them to do the things that are opposite to human nature. Self-preservation is built into a personal DNA, yet a soldier will often run towards danger, stand tall, fight. A soldier will put those feelings into a box and put that box under lock and key in a closet with another door and lock, all to face the danger in front of them, and to be able to do so effectively. Soldiers, firefighters, police, doctors and nurses, all face these kinds of things. How does someone see their friends blown up, see the wreckage and sleep at night? Time, and effort, therapy, and prayer. There is no cure for the battle, but we can train ourselves to face the new type of warfare. The training to be a soldier takes a long time, sometimes years, but the truth is, you’ll never stop being a soldier, not really. Learning how to be something more when the soldering is done, takes a lot of time, and effort, but there is hope, because while you will never stop being a soldier, there is a way to be more. We are not defined by just one thing in our lives, parent, child, graduate, soldier, spouse, Christian. Psalm 23, a man, a soldier, a shepherd, a king, a husband, father, adulterer, murderer, judge, a man after God’s own heart, David held many tags for his life. How do we survive the trials and tribulations in life? Faith. We must have faith that God the Father is in control on the throne. We must have faith that our pain is not in vein. We must trust that while Satan often means things for our harm, for the Christian, God can and will use everything we go through for good. Will we stumble and fall? Sure we will. Will we have days when the PTSD hits us strong like a heavy weight punch to the face, absolutely. But through it all, scripture gives us all we need. Romans 5:1-5 5 “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” 

Life isn’t going to be an easy time as a Christian. Sometimes we must fight the good fight. Sometimes we must put on the war vest and do our best to bring peace. Sometimes we have to stand up for those who can’t stand for themselves. No matter the battles, the hardships, the trials, we know we have a King, a Lord, a Savior who understands, and is there with us. We know the vail was torn and we have a direct line to the God of the Universe and we can turn to seek his face any time, day or night. We know that he is with us, and we will never be alone. We know he will never leave, nor will He forsake us. And we know that when we seek his forgiveness in true repentance, we will be forgiven. While we were soldiers, we who follow Christ, are both soldiers of our country, but also soldiers for Christ, the General of the Fathers army of Angels and men. We are part of the war for souls, and we are called to go forth, make disciples, baptize in His *Jesus name. We are called to fight the good fight. How do we carry on from war, we realize that one war is over, and the next begins. We fight for Jesus, and he fights for us. We sacrifice for Jesus, because he sacrificed for us. We seek his face, because he sought ours. We are strong not of our own will, but the strength He gives to us. He gives us refuge when we need refuge. He corrects us when we are wrong, holds us when we weep. 

Take the battle one day at a time, and put your assurance upon the Lord of Lords. Cast your burdens upon him, and he will guide you. We were not given a spirit of fear, but one of Courage. Fight the good fight, and never give up, and never surrender. 

Path In The Dark

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Path In The Dark

Recently I was asked why it was I don’t write as much as I once had. Or, why I haven’t written lately. I must admit it was a fairly thought-provoking question. If I’m honest with myself, the reason I haven’t written, or filmed any new YouTube videos, isn’t very flattering. I suppose the biggest part of the question is being honest, and truly giving it thought. It’s always easy to make up something, and blow it off like it’s no big deal, but that’s not being honest, and worst of all it’s not being honest to myself. Sometimes the truth is painful, and it isn’t easy to say out loud. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit what’s been buried or kept deep down. So, what’s the truth? I’ve been afraid as Colonel Jessep once said, “You can’t handle the truth.” 

The truth is, after returning from the war, about a year after, I had a fairly significant break down, which led to me being diagnosed with PTSD. This led to me going into a therapy which at the time was fairly new and revolutionary. I went to the EMDR therapy for several weeks, working on my war time trauma. While this left me better, and in more control over the PTSD, I was left with long lasting issues, one of which was MDD, or Major Depressive Disorder. Not long after I would leave the military due to a knee injury. I would go through some significant problems in the years to come after the military, to include two very rough and hard divorces. So, what does all that mean for me now? Let us fast forward till 2022. This year I have been met with some significant challenges. In march I was assaulted at my job, and left me with a significant chest injury, and ankle injury. The ankle in October is still not back to what it was before March. March was the last time I would work. In June I would suffer a significant knee injury, which still is not healed. Within months of the Knee, I would have a major kidney stone that would take months to remove by surgery, which the healing time has been 5 weeks so far as of this writing. These injuries and illnesses have prevented me from doing most of the physical activities I would enjoy. In August of 2022 I would have a freak neck injury, which recently found out to be a worsening of a bulged disc in my neck, which has been problematic since my neck surgery in 2017. So, as you can see, this year has been one injury after another. 

The next part, I would like to preface, God works everything out. God’s plan is greater than our plans, and his understanding is beyond anything we could ever comprehend. In September I was passed over for a position I had applied for. Hindsight it was for the best due to my current disability status, but for me the hurt was real, and at the time I didn’t know I was going to see my disability status change. Regardless of the change in my status, the hardest part is feeling like I’m no longer needed. I guess I could say for several months I have felt like I’ve been fairly useless. Doing yard work has been such a challenge, that even when I do the work, the toll is very steep. The price I pay for a day’s worth of work around the yard, is two to three days of significant back and neck pain. The emotional toll is worse than the physical one. Feeling like I am useless at church, feeling like my contributions are small and not feeling needed anymore, to knowing how hard it is, and how little I can do around my own home is detrimental. My self-esteem has taken a major hit, and this year, for the vast majority of the year my emotional state has been fairly bad. In fact, my depression levels have been in the severe range for months (as of this writing). 

Depression these last several months has made it difficult for me to do even the most basic of tasks… Laundry, dishes, straightening clutter, vacuuming, dusting. Then there’s the more significant stuff, hanging out with friends, wanting to go do anything, exorcising what I can. There were several months I wouldn’t watch new shows because it required too much thought. Reruns were more comfortable and safer. My self-esteem has been so low I have not had many positive thoughts about myself in months. I looked at myself as being a failure. I questioned my value in life. I questioned my worth and my purpose. 

Most of my depression has been kept a secret. In public I smile, I laugh, I joke, and I say everything’s going fine. The only thing the average person knew was my physical issues, largely because I couldn’t hide them. My depression has been so bad I have had a hard time reading anything new, studying, and even listening to any new podcasts. The only thing that hasn’t been too affected is my prayer life, but even that isn’t where it should be. I have struggled so much, I haven’t been able to get myself to study to film my vlog. 

I have sat back and, on many days, I have had my phone next to me and it never rang. No text, no calls, no messages. I have sat up night after night suffering through insomnia with no one to talk too. I have felt useless, not needed, not wanted, broken, and lonely. 

I am very aware of the spiritual warfare I have been enduring this year. I have been in prayer about it, and I have asked for guidance and His strength to see me through. I have not given up hope, and I do not write because I look for pity, or sympathy. I have learned, sometimes writing is just good for the soul. Sometimes it’s good to put down what you feel to paper. I don’t know where my tomorrow goes, and what I’m supposed to do with it, but I know I trust God and His plan. I know I am not alone even though most of the time it feels like it. Two of the hardest things to deal with is having these new physical restrictions, and feeling like I am no longer needed, which in turn has made me question what my purpose was. Sadly, I am no closer to finding it than I was 3 months ago. Finding that I would be passed over for a job, was hard for me. The fact it happened and it didn’t seem like anyone cared about how it felt. No one asked if I was okay, or checked on me. The day the announcement was made, it was smiles, and laughs, and I was with everyone. It hurt deeply that no one, not one, said anything to me about how it must feel knowing how much I wanted that position. As I said, it’s a blessing now because I’m 100% disabled, but that’s only hind-sight. It was very emotionally painful to go through that. The following months my presence has felt more and more unnecessary.

I don’t know much these days, and watching as my health concerns get worse, and now getting to the point where I need help, I am left with financial concerns for how to take care of my family. I am left with physical concerns, how to take care of the home, emotional concerns, where I am meant to be and what to do. I am a late 30’s year old man, who lives in a tent, on a small fixed income, with a body that’s failing, a purpose that seems to be gone, in a place I feel useless. Whether this is true or not, it’s how I feel. As I said before, I know this is all spiritual warfare and I know God is in control, and I trust in Him, and I still have joy, and I look forward to the day I see Jesus in Heaven. I look forward to the day my body is restored and no longer broken. I look forward to the day when the hardships of my past are no longer a burden to carry. While there are things in this life I still want to experience, I cannot deny the daily hardships. Chronic pain is not easy to deal with, especially when it keeps you in bed. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I will continue to wake up every day the Lord has me in this world. I will continue to ask his grace and mercy, and forgiveness for my shortcomings. I will continue to ask for His guidance and will for my life. I will continue to ask his hand be put over me to give me courage, and strength to keep pushing forward and getting up every day. The mountain of stuff I’ve experienced this year have been considerable, I cannot deny the toll it’s taken on me both physically and emotionally. To say it’s been a struggle has been an understatement. While I still have new physical stuff to deal with, and a crushing weight of emotional hardships, I will keep up the fight and do the best I can. I guess, the moral of the story is, whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. My situation may not be the same is yours, but we all have our hardships to face. Keep seeking God and keep looking to him for guidance. You’re not alone out there, and while I cannot ever promise it’ll get better in this lifetime, I can promise heaven, the promise Jesus gave to us, that all who truly believe in him, repent of sins, and Love God with all your heart, will enter into the kingdom, a place of perfection. Hope is in Jesus, and knowing Him, and growing your relationship with him, well… That’s what’s kept me going. People will fail you. Struggles will befall you. Your body may grow frail, but Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is there, and his promise is stronger than anything known to man. Know Jesus, and let him into your heart. Let him transform you, so that even in the heart of the storm, you have peace, and joy. While I do live with major depressive disorder and other physical issues, I have maintained joy in my heart. Not for another day here on Earth, but that when my job here is done, whatever that may be, I’ll be able to go home. I’ll be able to leave this body, for a new one. I’ll be able to dance with the angels and rejoice over the King of Kings. I have prayed that when I get to Heaven, I’ll have a better singing voice so I can sing praises pleasing to the ear. Dance without pain for the Lord. Be at peace. 

Life was never going to be easy. Living in this world was going to come with trails and hardships, but through it all, Jesus gives us light and hope. You’re not alone and if you need help, reach out to someone. Find someone who can listen. Seek those who would give you Godly counsel. Seek those who will help you bear the burden and lift you up when you need it. Never stop seeking God and his guidance. Never stop the prayers and above all, don’t lose hope. May God bless you, and be with you, always. 

Let Us Get One More

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Let Us Get One More

It is our duty, a charter, a command from our Lord and Savior that we go forth in a great commission, to build upon itself a great church, a rock, an immovable object of faith and truth, that all who would believe in Christ, be baptized and inherit to Kingdom of God. What does that mean? What does it mean to inherit the responsibility we have been given? I’ve been putting thought into what it means to receive this charter? 

Christians for a long time have sat by and watched the world change around them. I’m not referring to just watching the decades pass by, but rather, watching as moral decay seems to have run unchecked. We Christians have been given a charter beyond what we could ever imagine. I daresay, while we have not failed in the great commission, we are not doing a good job. 

Matthew 28:16-20 “Then the eleven disciples went away into Galilee, to the mountain which Jesus had appointed for them. 17 When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted.

18 And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.

There are Christians who take the commission given, and go abroad and make disciples in the name of Christ. Some people do mission work at home, and host bible studies, outreach programs, and other events to bring people the love of Christ. That being said, if it is true that there are 205 million Christians, why then is there such a rise in moral depravity? If those who claim Christianity, why are we so ugly to one another? Sadly, it would seem, there is a lot who take on the name of Christian, but how many of the 205 Mil. are cultural Christians, sideline Christians, or fully-fledged, submitted Christians? Now, I will say, it’s not my place to determine what’s in someone’s heart, I am not qualified to do so. However, scripture says this, Matthew 7:15-17 15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.” If this is true, then if we know that a prophet in this sense is referring to those who claim to speak in the name of the Lord. But we can also take this a bit further. In other scripture verses, it talks about the vine of the spirit, and those vines that do not bear fruit will be pruned. We are the vine that bares fruit in the name of the Lord. If we are part of the vine, do our actions look like Christ? 

It breaks my heart when I turn on the TV and I see people being ugly to one another. It breaks my heart to see people in the street screaming profanities about our President, screaming insults at our President elect. It breaks my heart to see cops even if accidently, killing a man in their custody. It breaks my heart to see protesters injuring police, burning down peoples hard made businesses. It breaks my heart to see all the rape, murder, and cruelty to one another. I sit back, and I think to myself, what have we come too, where we think it’s okay to do these kinds of things? 

The hope we have in Christ, comes with the knowledge that things will continue to ‘fall apart’, before it gets better. In the time we have, we are chartered to make the very best of every day we have. When we go outside our door, we have the responsibility of Christians to either share the Gospel, or live in a way that we look different than that of the world. If you are a saved Christian and you believe you are given a gift in which we do not deserve, why would you want to keep that gift a secret? Why would you hide the light under the bed for no one to see? If you are a Christian, do you walk an isle on Sunday, but get hammered on Friday? Do you swear like a sailor and fall into depravity? What about a life of debauchery? Do you look like a man or women of Christ? We must be careful with our actions, and we must take time to look within, and ask the hard questions. When we look in the mirror, do we see Christ looking back, or is it a man or woman of the world? 

Christians truly need to be doing better at being Christ(like). When I look at our nation (US) I am saddened by the divide. I’m saddened to see the racism, the hate, the cruelty to one another. I’m saddened to see so many battling mental health problems, substance abuse, addictions, toxic relationships, and the list goes on. Like no other time in recent history it seems people are so alone now more than ever. We are not just physically distant, but emotionally as well. We are not loving as we are called to do so. The term ‘neighbor’ is no different than the parable of the good Samaritan, our neighbor is now the traveler that fell upon forlorn circumstances. We have become a people of the priest and a Levite. We call ourselves good people, but our actions would speak differently. We are not good people; we are not worthy people. No, sadly, we often turn a blind eye to those suffering, and to those in need. We often fail to share Christ even when the opportunity is right in front of us. I’m not talking about shoving Christ down people’s throats, but we should be offering to pray for others, we should be asking people to join us in church, we should be offering to help those in need. We don’t always have to do this help with money, sometimes, time is all that is needed. Are we offering time to pray? Are we offering time to help a single mother get out for a night? Are we offering to help an overloaded family clean the house, or do some yard work? Are we offering our elderly neighbor time to sit and talk? Are we listening to those around us? I daresay, we can be doing better. 

The year 2020 has been a strange year for everyone worldwide. We have endured so much loss, and destruction, pain and hardships. So many people have lost everything they’ve worked hard for. We have lost loved ones, and some have even lost themselves. Now more than ever, we Christians must be shining brightly for all the world to see. Right now, when times are truly tough, we must be shining brightly to show the rest of the world hope. We must be as bright as a full lush, bright moon lighting the nights path. We must be walking close enough to Christ to reflect his light to all who see us. We must be taking the time to give others our time. We must be helping, and lifting up one another, fulfilling the law of Christ by baring one another’s burdens, showing others love. 

If we are willing to sit by and say nothing, sit by and do nothing, how sad that we are letting those around us walk in darkness. It isn’t just walking in darkness, it’s not knowing when we will breathe our last, and yes, that’s a heavy burden, but we have been called to carry a cross, and that in itself is part of our burden. Eternal damnation is nothing to take lightly. Those who refuse to hear Christ, that choose to live in darkness, or even those whom we know don’t know the Lord and never share the good news of the Gospel with, we are complicit. We must take action. Christianity is not a spectator sport. No, far from it! In fact, Christian is about doing, it’s about loving someone enough to spare them from eternal hell. Even if we are simply ignorant, an ambivalence is still egregious when it comes to an eternal soul. Are we praying for our enemies? Are we praying for that neighbor that simply doesn’t like us for just being who we are? Are we sharing a nice smile to the young girl working in Walmart who looks like the weight of the world is on her shoulders? Are we turning a blind eye to the homeless man begging for money on the corner? Are we praying for the lost, the homeless, the hurting, those in harm’s way? 

Let us Christians do better. We can always do better. As Private Dawson said, “Lord, please help me get one more.” Let us find our one, and then another, and another. Let us not grow tired of finding someone to share the love of Christ with. 

And let us have a wonderful, and safe Veterans Day!

Raise a glass Sabers

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A group of men fought together so many years ago. They fought together as strangers but became family. On this day, a day of brokenness, that family suffered loss. That loss would break us, but through the ashes we would be reborn a stronger bond than we ever thought possible. Loss would rock our world, but never would that sacrifice be forgotten. Love my brothers. And adopted sisters. Eacho, Twyman, McGowan, Grimes. Sabers, raise a glass.

The Veteran

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The Veteran

No matter the politics, or which side of the fence you sit on, the veteran serves this country. The constitution that all of you Americans enjoy the freedoms given, was paid for and continues to be paid for by the veteran. No matter what you’re faith, your heritage, respect for out veterans that gives us the protection we so appreciate. It is by the blood we have the greatest gift we could ever hope for. Beyond our beloved country we have the kingdom of Heaven we fight for. I am a United States veteran of foreign wars but beyond that and more importantly I’m a veteran of this spiritual war we fight daily. I am a soldier for CHRIST AND I’M THANKFUL TO CALL MYSELF A VETERAN FOR GOD.

Just as veterans shed blood for our freedoms, Christ’s blood was shed for our sins, Hebrews 9-13-14“For if the blood of bulls and goats and the ashes of a heifer, sprinkling the unclean, sanctifies for the [b]purifying of the flesh, 14 how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without [c]spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?” While there is no more blood needed to be sacrificed, the continuing war rages on and we are on the front line of an invisible war, that we cannot see, but we feel the effect every day. Satan and his demons interfere in our human affairs, but no matter the day, Christ still sits at the right hand of the father on high, and we are always on the winning side. Freedom always takes blood, and blood with no spots was shed for you and me, and all those before, and all those to come after. How wonderful it is to know the army of saints in which I fight for. God, Jesus Christ is the greatest general of all time. Jesus Christ’s war plan is perfect, and we soldiers of Christ shall fear not for we know the way the story ends. We shall not fret over the lost, and do not cry for saint’s who’ve fallen in the name of the Lord who were beautiful soldiers who live for the Lord, instead rejoice and be glad in their new home seated in front of the father in Heaven. Be grateful for the saints who’ve been slain in the fight against darkness, for they are at peace now. I shall not fear the evil for I know who art with me who protects me. Psalm 27:1-2“The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When the wicked came against me. To eat up my flesh, My enemies and foes, They stumbled and fell.”

I fought a war of men, and now I fight a war, waged in the spiritual. We sacrifice by picking up our cross and letting go of this world. Much like picking up a weapon giving up a life at home with families, soldiers prepare for battle, rush into danger and fight the war. The sacrifice is never in vein and we shall be blessed for more than we could ever hope for. Stay focused on our General and trust with every breath we take until the last. We will be rewarded for fighting the good fight, and finishing the race.

Fallen

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Fallen

(Warning Graphic Material)

The world can be a dark place, and sometimes we fall. The men we are shaped by our past. We bleed green, we fight to protect those around us. We fight because we must, because we draw breath. We live to honor our brothers who didn’t. We are trained to carry on in the fight. We are trained to survive and we are trained to push down the pain, to see the next step at all costs. We train for war, we train to live, we train to kill, but most of all we are trained to protect our brothers and sisters of our country.

When the fight is over and we return home for some the fight never quits. We struggle to connect. My fight is no longer the enemy of flesh and blood, but the enemy of darkness. In the last year I have found it harder and harder to connect with people. Not for a lack of trying on my part, I just haven’t had very many connect with me. I’ve struggled to make and keep friends this year. I’ve watched as old friends have moved on, and for reasons unknown have decided I was no longer needed in their life. As this unfortunately feeds into my deepest fear, that of abandonment, it also fuels the darkness that nearly overtook me just over a year ago.

When the world seems darkest and when it appears to be no hope, that’s when one enters dangerous waters. The whispers and lies that wade around the ankles of unsuspecting waders in the waters ready to drag you under. When one bad thing happens after another, it’s easier and easier to get pulled into the muck. When everything you hold most dear falls away how can one survive so much pain? How can someone survive the worst terrors of mankind, loose ones family, and believe there may still be hope? It’s simple, the Devil whispers lies in our ears and sometimes it gets the better of us. Sometimes it takes hold, and what once seemed like an unthinkable response seems to be the most reasonable. The perfect storm that leads us down the dark path, and sadly, a fallen one.

Can you imagine yourself in the mists of loosing everything you cherished most in life? As I watched my life falling apart I couldn’t breath. The life I was living didn’t seem like my own any longer. The air seemed to be sucked from my very lungs. The crushing feeling in my chest as it fell apart. The woman I loved and the family I thought had accepted me for so long in fact, only kept me around because of my wife, who at that very moment was packing to leave. A second time I watched as my wife would leave me. Two marriages, two affairs, and two divorces, and the second time sadly would be more then I could take. As I watched the packing and moving I saw myself as an entire failure. My ability to see reason, to think rationally had been dangerously compromised. A dangerous and unfortunate turn of events that would cause my personal battles to no longer stay hidden, stay buried as they once were. The crashing waves crushed my spirit, the breaking of the dam that would allow the dirty laundry that remained safely tucked away, to flood every inch of what I protected most. The burier that had been built carefully over many years of constant vigilance would be destroyed and years of built up pain, of every wrong step, of every trauma, every set back, every mistake, and every loss would rush down upon me like a tsunami that would be stopped by nothing. A whirlwind of nothing but negative feelings sucked the hope and the things we fight for to stay alive every day, out of my chest, my heartbeat, but hollow. I couldn’t reconcile my failure, my loss, my hopelessness, so it seemed as if there were only one thing to do.

Not every action taken is thought out. Not every action taken offers the comfort or the desired outcome we hope for. Sometimes the mind plays tricks on us, and in times of great stress, great sorrow, those tricks can be equal to the level of pain. Isn’t pain an interesting thing? How we grieve for the loss of a beloved pet. How we feel badly when our favorite TV show ends. How we feel when a best friend parts ways for the last time. Or how we grieve when we loose the ones we love most dearly. There are all manner of ways we grieve but sometimes that grief is so powerful it literally takes hold and we cannot bear to take one more step, take one more breath, and we honestly forget how. How that grief can feel when it’s a lifetime of loss, and how the grief turns to pain that cannot be reconciled. Now what do you do with that pain when you are alone? How do you channel the thoughts from the Devil when there’s no one there to reach out too? Pain can be a powerful motivator, pain of a physical nature, the odd satisfaction of physical pain. Some people use this pain by getting tattoos, they use it to handle the stress of life, the dealing of hard times. People also use another form of pain as a self regulated therapy and that’s cutting. The act of cutting one’s self and using that pain as a release, the endorphins created to mask the physical pain is a drug in the brain that allows a sense of calm. Cutting while frowned upon is actually widely used by young adults and adolescence. Years ago there was another form of pain used by Priests to be used a form of punishment for sin. Self-flagellation, this practice largely used within the Catholic Church ended in the 14th century. It is still used today in some extent. What would you do if the pain inside was more then you could bare? What would you do if the trauma you suffered was a lifetime’s worth all at once?

It’s a strange thing looking back at ones life in an instant. The term seeing your life flashed before your eyes isn’t so farfetched. For some they get flashes of happy times, of loved ones, of things they cared for in life. But what if in that moment, that split second, failure, self loathing, self disgust was all you saw? What if what you saw in the blink of an eye was that you were what was wrong with your life? How would you feel? While I don’t begrudge my wife for leaving, she did what she felt was best for her, I will ever hold love in my heart for her. I have tried to remain faithful to the feelings of forgiveness, understanding, and above all love. She will forever hold a special place in my heart, and even if she may never be a part of my life anymore, I will love her always.

I failed once, the poorly executed plan, I didn’t even check to see if the stupid thing was loaded. Standing on the back porch, a deep breath, and squeezing the trigger while standing on the stairs, the hammer fell, but no bullet. Screaming how much of a failure I was I threw the gun across the yard. I went cursing at myself on the way to pick it up. There my sister in law, not sure what she just saw, I handed her the gun and told her to hold onto that. I stormed back in the house, went to the bedroom and grabbed the black Smith & Wesson 9mm that was loaded, and I stormed out to the front porch. This time I sat down and watched as my wife finished packing the car. She was leaving, and I knew she’d be gone for good. I told her I was sorry for everything, and that she should just pretend like none of it ever happened. I don’t recall if she actually said anything, but she walked out of sight. I was alone, in that no one was within line of sight of me, and that was the moment. I put the pistol to my shoulder, looked at it, and with just a flicker of hesitation, squeezed the trigger. The round ripped through the flesh, the blood splattered out onto my hand and the gun. Everything I saw was dark, hopeless, endless amounts of pain, and I deserved to suffer in physical pain equal to that of my emotional pain because I was the common denominator, I was the center of it all, and I must have been at fault, so therefore, I must be the one to suffer and be punished for my failings. The air left my lungs quickly. The scream from my wife would be etched into my memory like a diamond etching into stone, forever leaving it’s mark. I reached up to hold the hole in my shoulder, but something went wrong, something wasn’t right. Everything was going black, it was supposed to just go straight through, I didn’t understand. I felt someone grab me, but blackness covered my eyes. I no longer heard anything, I was no longer in the world.

Seconds turned to hours as I remained in the world of black. A lifetime in nothingness, no thoughts, no fears, no hopes, nothing at all that connected me to the world of the living. That’s when I heard myself say it, “God I’m sorry!” I never expected to hear a response, but what I heard couldn’t be explained by reason or logic. The booming nature was like a shaking thunder reverberating all over my body, down into the very cells of what I was made up of. My ears pounded with the shaking of the words I was able to make out and understand perfectly even as loud and thunderous as it was. “You’re forgiven!” The jolt forced my eyes open and I could see someone above me. The pain shot through my back and my shoulder, the shooting through my body with each and every breath. “No, let me go, let me die!” I begged the paramedics. They refused, but it was to their surprise I woke up at all. The amount of time I was unconscious was about 30 minutes. Second hand information I would find out later the amount of blood loss should have killed me. I would end up loosing around 6 units of blood out of the average 8. The paramedics fought to keep me alive, and every time I would try to close my eyes, to go back to the blissful darkness, they would bring me back, sternum rubs, tapping me, anything they could to keep me with them. The only thing I actually said that made any sense was to take me to the VA, which they responded almost jokingly, they couldn’t because they weren’t equipped for it, and if they did I’d die. At the time, it didn’t sound so bad. Death wasn’t my intention, but the thought of dying seemed okay.

The thing with not thinking clearly, and being overcome by grief and pain, is the cause and effect of such actions. The bullet didn’t travel straight through, instead it chipped the clavicle, and went down through the left lung, leaving a large 9mm hole and particles of the bullet, before traveling onto the 2nd, 3rd, and 7th ribs before exiting my lower shoulder blade. I apparently pulled the trigger and jumped and the gun was too high. Not that, that’s any kind of good excuse, what I did was beyond reckless, beyond stupid, it was as it turns out, irredeemable in the eyes of some, but not to the Lord.

Here’s the trouble in a nutshell. There are always consequences to poor decisions. In the wake of such a choice, I watched as countless friends jumped ship and swam away as fast as they could. My love of firearms would end as my privileges would be revoked, and every firearm I had sold. I would loose my position at my job, a job I had worked very hard to get. I would loose the respect of those around me, and with the respect, I would loose any and all credibility I had. I would forever have shoulder pain, and troubles with the lung from the shrapnel left behind. Any chance I may have had with my wife vanished with the shot and the scream. I would undergo over a year of therapy, and even with that, more to come. I would eventually loose my job, and my career, and as more and more friends left, the full ramifications would come, and I would once again be standing cross in hand as I would be forced to bare the pain.

Over a year later, I have watched as the majority of my closest friends and allies would leave. I would be left with no direction, no sense of earthly worth, and a seemingly bleak future. Less then a year after the gunshot I would suffer a major neck injury and would require emergency fusion surgery. With the severe rupture of the C5 disc, the possibility of infection became more likely with every passing day, and although I would avoid infection, the lasting affect would cost me my job, and my plans for the future. From all standards of living, the outcome looks bleak. The hits never stopped coming, the wins were few, and the losses were many. How does one overcome such adversity?

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 “8 [We are] troubled on every side, yet not distressed; [we are] perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;”

A part of me died that day on those stairs. What I heard that day is why I came back, and no matter how dark it gets, how much it hurts, how far you fall, we can remember only one thing, God loves us. I was a soldier, and I swore an oath to never quit, never surrender, and until the day comes when the Good Lord calls me home, we can never fall so far that we can’t pick ourselves up. While we will always have our bad days, and no matter the struggles we may face, we have to keep picking ourselves up. If anything can come from such a tragic year, perhaps my story can touch the life of someone struggling. Hero’s are not born, but made. The hero’s in my life are the men and women of the 2nd ID combat team that served with me in Iraq and found the need to be at a brothers side. The loving support of my pastors, and the brave first responders that fought diligently to keep me alive is in part why I fight. I would have my brothers and sisters standing with me fighting, and because they fight for me, I shall always fight. No matter how dark the days, no matter how far I fall, I shall learn how to crawl again, I will learn how to walk, and I will one day learn how to soar above the clouds. I shall never quit because God didn’t quit on me. I shall never fall without knowing God is with me to help me. Yes apart of me died that day, but I also lived. The struggle shall always stay with me, and the ramifications of what’s left in the wake of disaster will perhaps take years to repair, but I shall continue to fight and try. While on this very day I have no idea where my life is going, what I will do, where I will live, how I will survive, if I’ll ever find love again, if I’ll ever be accepted, if I’ll ever make new friends to replace those who’ve left, what I do know, is it’s in God’s capable hands.

Having faith in the middle of the storm is hard. Being able to close your eyes and trust in the leap, knowing that God will catch you, that’s faith. We worry because we are human. We question because we are inflicted with sin nature. We survive because we have God. We thrive because we know Jesus. We all stumble, we all fall, but we cannot learn without it. We will never be perfect in this world, and if there’s anything I hope more then anything in this world, is to not be judged for a moment of weakness for the rest of my life. I don’t know why my friends jumped ship afterwards. I don’t know why I was made to suffer through all I have. I don’t have the answers, and while I still breath on this world, perhaps I never will.

I know I let my brothers and sisters down with my weakness, but I know I have an obligation to live, and to never forget, to spread the word of the Lord, and fight to help those who suffer. We will suffer at the hands of the Devil, we will suffer at the hands of man as it was foretold by Christ. 2 Timothy 3:12 “Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.” Forever will the scar remain on my chest a reminder of the fall of man, and the momentary triumphs of the Devil. I will forever have a scar to remind me of the fight we fight every day. A scar from the battles that are waged in the shadows and we are pawns in a larger picture. We are the soldiers in which the war is waged for souls on this worldly plane. No one ever said you’d make it through life without scars. No one ever said it would be easy. 1 Peter 4:16 “Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.” As Job before me, suffering is not new under the sun. The suffering of man, testing ones resolve, forging steel, and pushing one to their limits, all comes with the territory of picking up the cross and following Jesus.

No one ever said the cross wouldn’t be heavy, and no one ever said it didn’t come at a cost, but what cost could we ever pay to be worthy of the gift of Heaven? Jesus paid the price and a little suffering now, or in some cases, a lot of suffering now, will be worth it when we sit with Jesus in paradise for all eternity.

When my day comes I hope to regain some of my dignity and self-respect I left on those stairs. I fell, and fell harder then I ever imagined I could have. I have lived with the knowledge of my fallen spirit, and I face the battle to redemption every day. But I say to you, it’s not if we fall, but how we pick ourselves up. So if you’ve fallen pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on. There will be dark days ahead, and even the most faithful will be put to the test. When your day comes and you’re facing your last breath, a hope for you is this, may it be of peace and at a time of God’s own choosing. Breathe until the Lord calls you home. Raise no hand to your enemies, instead raise open arms. Bring no harm upon yourself, instead remember that you are a child of the one true King and God loves you despite your faults. God’s love is pure and everlasting. When the days last number comes and you go home, remember 2 Timothy 4:6-8 “For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing”

 I was a soldier once for this country, now I’m a soldier for Christ. The days are long, and we may grow weary, but eternity is longer, and it’s worth the wait.