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Why I’m Different

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Why I’m Different

Growing up, I came up in a home filled with problems. A single mother with her own demons to battle. A personality that left me defenseless in a jungle full of predators in my middle school years. I was not just teased, name called, I was tortured. I was attacked, my things were stolen multiple times, thrown into occupied urinals, my clothes taken while changing and thrown out into the gym, leaving me naked in the locker room. I was jumped on my way home, pushed and shoved in the halls, hit on the bus, and the list goes on. I grew up in a school that taught me lies as truth, led me down the halls of liberalism, stuff like climate change that acid rain was going to kill us all by destroying crops, and burning us all. Rising waters would sink Florida by 2010. The Bible was wrong and the Big Bang was proven, evolution was fact, proven and accepted by all, except it wasn’t. I believed them when teachers told me that the right wanted children to starve, the right wanted to destroy the environment, and prevent families from getting welfare they desperately needed. The truth was not as simple as I was led to believe. The fact was, during those years the same kind of teaching was definitely a one-sided teaching method, intended to indoctrinate young impressionable kids, who trusted their teachers to tell them the truth. With no one at home willing or able to talk to me about political matters, science, or anything else, I fell for the lies. 

In recent days I have found the show American Gladiators was resurrected. I grew up watching the show and wanted to face down the Gladiators on the field of battle. I wanted to participate in the event “Assault” so badly. It only intensified my desire to join the military. I wanted to be a G.I. Joe. I wanted to serve like my grandpa, my uncles, and so many of my family served from WWII, to Korea, to Vietnam, to Panama, Desert Storm, and I would serve in OIF. I wanted to serve my great country. The pledge of allegiance meant something to me. The military and those who served meant something to me. Growing up even my life as a Roman Catholic was marred by questions and very few answers. I questioned the Hail Mary’s. I questioned the confessions. I questioned so many things never having answers. No matter the questions I had though, my faith in God was strong, and it would lay the foundation of who I’d become. I believed in scripture. I believed in good and evil. I believed in doing what was right. By all measure I was a boy scout, I just wasn’t an actual boy scout. (We couldn’t afford it.). Today the country is as polarized as ever it has been. The country is at odds over even the most basic of questions, ‘what is a woman?’, ‘should men play in women’s sports?’, ‘should we murder babies in the womb?’. More worldwide questions like, should we finally remove the Iranian occupying government once and for all? Many people have different thoughts on all of these questions. Today people get mad over MMA on the white house lawn, with a Blue Angel, and Thunderbird flyover, but praised pride and trans people parading around the lawn topless shaking their breasts for the camera and in front of children. We are not the same. 

Today, I find people are more cruel then perhaps they were while I was in school. I recently posted to Instagram about the weight loss journey I started. I couldn’t believe what happened next. I never expected to have a video be so popular. The first video I posted currently has 177,286 views. I received many cruel comments, some put into question my cosplaying a soldier. I posted a second video of me while serving in the Army, deployed to Iraq, and out of the wire on patrols. That video received 571,911 views. More and more negative comments poured in. The cruelty was so hurtful, my mental health took a massive hit. People began to body shame me, even say I was committing stolen valor. I was shocked at so much hate towards a veteran. Shocked people were calling me a fake. Body shaming me. I was called a child rapist, and a murderer. I was called a pawn of Israel. I had one person tell me it was a shame I survived. And another said it was a shame I didn’t lose all my limbs, because that’s what I deserved.  A true look into the lost in this world. People will bring you down for no reason. My post was nothing but the start of my journey. I will continue to fight for weight loss. I will continue to fight for my heart recovery. I’ll continue to fight for my overall health. I will continue to try and be uplifting to others. I won’t be deterred by a bunch of internet keyboard warriors who don’t know what they are talking about. 

I am a veteran, a combat veteran at that, and I’m a nerd. I am often an outsider, even among the veteran community I am considered to be different. Different doesn’t mean I don’t have value though. I may be different but I have skills that made me a good soldier. I have a mindset that made me an asset during combat operations. My ability to think about and plan for contingencies made me a good team member while preparing for when things when they went wrong. It made me a great security officer later in life, that planned an active shooter policy for a major university, the first of its kind at the school. I have always been a good employee, with a strong work ethic. 

I have come to realize the lies I was told as a child, and when I look back it makes me sad. Star Trek saved my life growing up. Without a man in my life, I could look up too, the character Jean-Luc Picard was interesting to me. Sir Patrick Stewart’s portrayal of that character truly impacted my life in a positive way. A strong, moral, principled, man, leading a crew of hundreds, and showing what the best of humanity could be, gave me someone to look up too. Today, I am a Christian man who’s view on life is as principled as Captain Picard’s. I stand firm on my morals, and I am uncompromising on my beliefs. I grew up believing the goodness of Spider-Man (Peter Parker). I believed in the kindness of Steve Urkle from Family Matters. I showed love like Full House. I believed in family like Fresh-Prince of Bell Air, especially the episode with Will’s Father. I believed in Truth, Justice The American Way of Super-Man. And I believed everyone could be saved like Batman from the Animated Series. I believe everyone should be treated fairly, but the truth should hold all things in balance. We are all sinners in this life, and we all need salvation from a very real Hell we are headed for. Our own sin nature, our prideful nature, that separates us from God by saying we don’t need some cosmic genie looking over our lives. The truth is God is almighty, all knowing, and this whole universe is His. He created everything, and even created every living thing on the planet. When Eve was tempted by Satan, she fell for the lie that she could be like God. She in her pride, thought she knew better than God. We do the same each and every day of our lives. We feel we know better than God. We change His holy word because we think He’s mean. We change His word because we feel He’s wrong on homosexuality. We feel He’s cruel in the Old Testament, and nothing but love and forgiveness in the New. What most people fail to realize is the missions aren’t the same. God is not different in the Old from the New. God is the same, always. Jesus in the New displays that righteous anger we see in the Old as well. He was not always nice to the Pharisees, but He was always kind. We aren’t always nice either, but we are always called to be kind. What does this mean? When you have to discipline, or correct someone, you do so in a loving way. Recently, I had a ‘Christian’ say something to me on Instagram, and it wasn’t very nice. When I went to their page, and saw most of their stuff was Christian in theme, I was shocked. The rude comment came from a fellow Christian. It was at that time I decided I would reply in a kind way. They said “Call of Booty. Calling in a snack drop.” On their page they have Psalm 3:7, Deus Vult. My reply was this, “As a Christian do you feel this was an uplifting and edifying comment? Someone trying to recover from multiple heart surgeries. Someone continuing to push through health issues. After five years my doctors figured out why I have been gaining weight with how active I am. So my weight is not diet related. So I’ll ask again, Christian, is this how you treat fellow Christians? Praying for you. God Bless Sir.” I feel my explanation, while long, was kind, but also to the point. We never know what someone is going through. We never know someone’s background, or history, so one, we should never assume. Two, we never know what someone is going through. Whenever we can, we should be uplifting rather than tearing someone down. In fact, that’s scripture, not me. Scripture tells us to only say which is edifying. This may mean correcting someone, but even in correction we are trying to lift them up. We are never called to tear someone down. Yet, we often fall very short of this. Especially outside of the Christian community. I also had someone tell me I was a weak Christian. I found that laughable, considering I’m actually pretty tough on Christians. I’m very tough on stances of sin. I do not negotiate the Word of God at all. I am very set on the idea that my opinions don’t matter, and the only opinion that matters is God’s, and we find that in Scripture. So, to be called weak because I dress up in a Green Arrow suit and share the Gospel to nerds and those who are harder to reach, doesn’t make me weak, it just makes me different. Different people, of all kinds are used by God for different missions. We each have unique abilities, specially suited for special tasks and missions. 

Growing up I loved G.I.Joe, Star Trek, Star Wars, Batman, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Dark Wing Duck, Duck Tails, Rescue Rangers, Batman The Animated Series, Spider man. I think you can see a common theme. I grew up dealing with bullies my whole life, so to be bullied on social media really wasn’t anything new, but it was a new flavor. This one hurt though. Why would people be so mean when I’m trying to do the work for the workouts. I heard it a lot when I was in HS. When I was going for the Marine Corps, I heard you’ll never make. You’re going to fail. My grandpa was one of few that told me to ignore everyone and that he believed in me. Sadly, I would get a denial letter the day before I graduated high school. It would take me a year but I never gave up, a year later I would sign the contract to be a United States Army Cavalry Scout. I would leave for basic and even in basic I had people tell me I’d fail. I never quit, and at the end on our last ruck march, when half the unit quit the march, in last place with the guy marching with a torn achilles tendon, we crossed that finish line together. We had done together what many others failed to do. We kept one another going. We stayed with one another. We encouraged one another. We never quit. That’s who I am. I’ve survived horrific things, and yet I am still here. Who am I? I’m a survivor. I’m different because God made me this way. I’m different because I grew up in a very unique and often awful circumstances. I’m different because I grew up with shows defeating evil. I grew up watching shows that solved crimes, and taught good morals. I would grow in my faith as time went on, and even with my shortcomings, I would find my way back to God. Today I am who I am, but every bit of who I am, simply wants to put a smile on my Abba Fathers face. I seek adoration from my heavenly father. I seek my Father in Heaven’s approval. I simply want to hear “Well done my good and faithful servant.” I hope when I cross that finish line I will have done my best. Yes, I may dress up like Green Arrow, or a Star Wars character, or a Star Trek Character, or an elf, or other warrior, but I am always a Christian. I may wear a combat load vest to work out in. I may do my workouts different from other people, but no matter what I am always a Christian. I may be different but never do my differences dishonor God. I am always kind to people and give them every opportunity. I am nice more often than not. I am always trying to help others. I am by no means perfect. I have plenty of short comings, and none of this post is to make me seem to be some kind of saint, trust me, it isn’t. What I hope to convey here is who I am. I deeply care about my friends, because I often didn’t have many growing up. I deeply love people in my life, because I was often alone. I often have self-doubts. I often question who I am, what I’m doing, if I’m good enough, why anyone would love me. I hear those words ring from my past, and social media, you’re not good enough, you’re ugly, why would anyone love you, why would anyone want to be with you, you will fail, you are worthless, your fat, you’re an abomination, you’re a fake, your nothing. I hear it in my head, and I find myself asking if it’s true. All I have ever wanted to do was make a difference in this world. I want to be there to help others. I want to lift up people who are in the worst stormy seas of their life. I was there once. I almost got swallowed by the darkness, but I was saved by the light. I just want to be there for people who might think there’s no hope. I want to help be the lighthouse in the treacherous seas to guide someone back to safety. There’s a line in Black Hawk Down, where one of the main characters says he “wants to make a difference.” That was something I hoped for as I left for Iraq, and it’s something I’ve kept with me most of my life. No matter what I’m doing, did I make a difference? No matters whose life I touch, did I make a difference? In the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.” The big question is how many lives did George Bailey touch. How many people did his life positively impact. How many people have I impacted? I obviously don’t know, but I hope the lives I have touched it’s been to improve their lives. I want to encourage people. Be there for them. Uplift them. More importantly live a Godly life before them. I’m not perfect, but I just want to help others. May I have helped someone here, reading this. Maybe I’ve helped in some way I don’t know. Maybe if I have, leave a comment, letting me know. If I can pray for you look up my email in the contact page and reach out to me. If I can pray for you, or maybe answer questions about scripture, I’d love to try. Do your best to be a righteous person before a Holy God. Do your best to be kind, and loving. Do your best to do your best. 

Go In Peace, Go In Love, Be Kind, and Live Long And Prosper

The New Day Coming, The Weight of The World

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The New Day Coming, The Weight of The World:

         The ever-flowing waters of life, bringing change each day. Some days, the waters are slow, and calm, not a ripple in the river. Some days, it’s a raging surge of water flooding and destroying everything in its path. How then, do we handle such a turbulent array of emotions that come from a slew of difficult days? 

Having been no stranger to difficult days, the time of difficult days is not behind me, but the never-ending storm. I never expected that my heart surgery would be the last problem I’d have, but I didn’t expect the looming shadow of another surgery hanging overhead. Today the attacks of the ruler over this world (Satan) fall upon me like a giant beating me down. The bad news brought by two doctors, surgery. This will be surgery number twenty. The surgery I had was an Aorta root, valve, and stem replacement. After going into heart block, I required a pacemaker, thus turning me into a cyborg. When the temporary pacemaker wires were cut and left behind, it was supposed to be easy. Sadly, nothing with me is ever easy. Whatever can go wrong, usually does. The wire on the right side of my body began having issues when I’d bend or twist. I would experience pinching in my abdomen and it felt like deep stabbing. We are pretty sure it’s the lead, though not 100%. This upcoming surgery will require me to be in the hospital on a heparin drip leading up to the surgery, because of course I’m on blood thinners. The problem: Riley’s inoperable tumor is growing, and if the rate of speed we believe its growing at, I don’t want to leave her alone. I don’t want to spend a week or more in the hospital, if my time is coming to an end with her. 

Riley has been so integral to my recovery. Her continued presence and support as my service dog has left an immeasurable mark upon my life. I have found in my time on this earth, just how much we take time and life for granted. We often say, “I’ll call tomorrow.” Or, “I’ll reach out next week.” But sadly, days turn to weeks, and weeks turn to months, and eventually time has slipped past, and friendships drift away. Riley, on the other hand has stayed with me and has been a loyal companion all these years later. While I’d admit we had our days that were difficult, the positives far outweighed any bad. In the meantime, her and I will spend as much time together as we can, and enjoy our remaining days. My heart is heavy, and my body can tell. 

Sadly, we don’t take our friendships or relationships seriously. It’s become very apparent to me that our focus is not on our close friendships, and in my humble opinion, it’s barely on God either. I’ve seen so much tragedy in the last few weeks, from mass shootings, to the mass stabbing attack at Walmart, to a young adult being nearly fatally wounded in a motorcycle accident. The proof that our life is a vapor is all around us in the news. Yet, for some reason, either one of these facts is true, people are apathetic and the saying ‘out of sight, out of mind’ is true, or, it’s me, and people just aren’t good at being friends. With the recent diagnosis of Riley, I am finding myself mindful of the inevitable outcome and the reality that will come with her departure from this world. I will be without my closest ally, my best friend. 14 years while long for a large breed dog, is short to us. My heart is breaking with so much hatred in this world, so much evil spreading as fewer people have any regard for human life. 

Scripture tells us to “seek first the Kingdom of God”. We must remember that Jesus said we would have tribulations, and that we aren’t to feel hopeless or helpless, because He (Jesus) overcame the world. This life is temporary, and we are called to make the best of the time we have. People have long wondered what the meaning of life was, and I firmly believe that, that meaning is twofold, “Love God with all your heart, mind and soul.” And then when Jesus said to love our neighbors, that means we fulfill our mission, our meaning, to share the Gospel with all those we encounter. To live a life seeking God, and being an ambassador for our Lord Jesus Christ. We are to help make disciples of Jesus, and this is wrapped in the idea of worshiping the Lord. Life seems hard right now, and it seems unfair, and it seems like it may be more than one person can take. I feel as if the world is sitting on my shoulders, or I’m pushing it up a never-ending mountain. The truth is, in some ways, I am. I must remember that my strength within myself without Jesus won’t last long. With Christ, He renews my cup, so much so it fills over. Sometimes our cup is emptied to make room not of ourselves, but that Jesus can be the entire cup. This concept isn’t an easy one, but it’s the truth. Yes, life is difficult, and sometimes heart breaking, but that in the evident evil of this world, there must be a perfect Good to counter that evil. God must exist because the creation of this universe screams intelligent creator.

 Random chance is unlikely to make most creatures dependent upon a male and female gender to procreate. Random chance means, that alone would be a near statistical impossibility. While the idea of random chance being so precise, so exact, is laughable, many people still believe and hold on to the notion, God does not exist. Indeed, scripture tells us why. The deceiver of this world keeps them in blindness. This notion that ‘chance’ gives us these perfect things, one can look to DNA, the rotation and tilt of the earth, geometry or mathematics as a whole, to show that statistically random would not account for such perfection found in nature. If random was so precise, why did it stop once it achieved a stable foundation? IF we were all created by random, why don’t we see that kind of random behavior in nature anymore? Why does this matter? It tells us that God is thoughtful, caring, that not only does He care about humanity, but His other creation also. God cares for His universe, and thus if humanity is His most prized possession, then He infinitely cares for, and loves us, wishing none would perish, but that all would come and seek Him. If God loves me that much, and there’s so much incontrovertible evidence to show God’s love and care, how then can I allow this worlds overlord to deceive me and break me down. Satan the great adversary is attacking me, attempting to break me down. The spiritual warfare I’ve been under these last several months is hard. I feel broken, I feel beat down, I feel tired, and worn out. I have not quit, but I feel like my armor is failing and I’m losing this fight. I feel like Satan is winning the battle, and I have questioned how long can I hold on. The truth remains that Jesus told us we will have tribulations, and James told us to rejoice in tribulation that it builds character. 

         Unthinkable loss however comes as a shock. During the writings of this blog post, I learned while on my way to a prayer vigil, my brother, died. He was at work when he started to feel bad, and unfortunately suffered a heart attack, which then turned into cardiac arrest inside the ambulance. He coded, and sadly, they couldn’t get him back. He was only 44 years old. This loss comes as a surprise, and reminds me, that if something’s important to you, make the time. People are the second most important thing behind a great and mighty God. This loss comes after a 30 -year search for my father. The question always remained, ‘did I have siblings?’ Last year after I finally ended my search for my father (who passed in 2003), that I did have two half siblings. When I found my father, I was left with just a first name of my siblings, but the last names were not certain. I would continue my search, not to be swayed by the sheer lack of evidence, the seemingly impossible task. I found dad through a name and ancestry DNA. My siblings, wouldn’t be so ‘easy’. In just four months I had my first conversation with my brother Eddie, or as his sister called him (Andy). This hard truth has been laid upon my heart, we must know Christ as Lord, and we must seek the kingdom of God. There is nothing more important than this. Knowing the Lord because without him there is no hope. 

         Since I began writing this, not only did my brother pass, but the earth suffered an 8.8 magnitude earthquake. This earthquake triggered tsunami warnings over most of the pacific coast from Russia to Alaska, to Hawaii, to the east coast of the U.S.A. Life is a vapor, here one moment, gone the next. When I found out about Jake’s motorcycle accident, his near miss with death, and the cause for the prayer vigil, it reminded me that while we may think we are in control, we are not. We are in control of very little in this life, and our fate, or destiny, or whatever you may want to call it, lays very little with us. Yes, our actions have consequences, but we see so little of the puzzle that we cannot expect much to go the way we ‘think’ it will. The one thing we do have control over is accepting Jesus as Lord. We can call the Lord ABBA Father, and we can surrender our hearts to the creator of the universe. We can see our lives for what they are, sinful, and ourselves dead in our sins. We can see Jesus as Lord, and then the lamb of God which takes away the sins of the world. We can see Jesus as the Lion of Judah that defeated death, and gave us the same resurrection power. We can live because He died. We have hope, because death couldn’t hold Him. We have and know love, because He first loved us. Let us not waist one more second, and surrender all to the King of Kings. Let us no longer live in fear, but in assurance have the courage of the King. Go, and use the time He has given us. 

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Heartbreak and Sadness? 

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Heartbreak and Sadness? 

With recent events affecting my recovery, I have been inundated with emotions. We think I may have something called Diaphragmatic stimulation. This could be caused by one of the leads for my pacemaker. It not only causes spasms of the diaphragm, but breathing issues, and the spams cause pain in my ribs. It’s quite painful. On top of that, after a 15 hour stay in the emergency department, three days later, and I am sick. Coincidence? I think not. Now, I can add coughing to the list of things causing me distress. However, while this is part of the emotions I’m feeling at the moment, there is something else, siblings. I have recently found one of the two of my siblings, and have attempted to open a dialog with them. Not everyone communicates as I do, and I often have unrealistic expectations of people. This, has led me to having feelings, that I really cannot verify as realistic, or based on facts. During DBT one of the things that kept with me was the ‘Check the Facts’ sheet. We had to match our feelings to facts. And if they were facts, do the level of feelings, match the situation. While, in part the feelings I have right now are legit, the question is what is the cause? Obviously, the cause of my feelings is the lack of reciprocal conversation, but realistically, what is causing the lack of reciprocal conversation? That’s the point where my investigation ends. In my mind, I have been distressed that this is being caused because they don’t care. They want nothing to do with me. Why hasn’t my sister reached out? Does she not want to talk? Why doesn’t she want to talk? Things aren’t always as they appear to be. 

One of the things I have struggled with in my life is trusting in God’s timing. When I was younger, I struggled with relationships. I was kind of the ugly duckling, except I stayed the ugly duckling. In middle school while people where pairing off and I developed my first crush, she was the beauty of the school. I fell ‘in love’ with her. It was a crush, a heavy heartfelt crush, but still a crush. She however wanted nothing to do with me. How could anyone care for someone who looked like me. I was a nerd also, I was never going to find anyone. Then, when I did, it took me moving to a new school, three hours away. There, my relationship life flourished. I did date, and I did fall in love, the real kind of love where it was reciprocated. But, there were times when I didn’t wait for God, and I made my own choices, which eventually led to destruction, and despair. I once again experienced these feelings in Korea, when I couldn’t hardly get a woman to talk to me, let alone go on a date. I felt discouraged. Eventually things would turn around, but as one relationship ended after another, me being the one getting dumped, I had a realization… I was the common denominator. I would rush to get married to a woman who was in reality, broken. We had a great relationship for a little while, till we moved to Germany. Then slowly but surely that relationship turned sour, and she’d have an affair. Then a few years later I’d get married again, and that one lasted seven years, before, she’d have an affair also. The second one I held on to for a long time. I wasn’t going to go through divorce again. I was left a broken man, so much so, it put me in the hospital. I was impatient, and it showed in the types of relationships I got into. I have often had a problem where I don’t wait for God to give me the green light on something, or I want God to move faster. 

Psalm 13:1 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

I have used this verse a few times in recent weeks to highlight the normal reaction to call out to God, but specifically, the ‘how long’.  We often want God to move today. Israel waiting 400 years before God broke the silence. Could you imagine going 400 years without hearing from God? We often don’t want to wait a few weeks, or even a couple years, but 400? While I’ve been waiting for my brother to reach out, and I’ve been littered with thoughts, I can only guess, that Satan is the one whispering in my ears. The helmet while it may protect my mind from many things, the Devil is cunning. The truth is, I don’t know much about my brother, and I cannot say if he’s willfully ignoring me, or if it’s something else. The Devil would have me believe he’s ignoring me, but is that because in time, I may be able to share God’s word with him? Or, in reality, the Devil is my enemy, and I fight with him on a daily basis. I don’t know who wrote it, some have claimed C.S. Lewis, but regardless this quote has stuck with me, “My prayer is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.” Obviously there is some theological questions here, such as does hell rejoice, but the point of the quote to me, is that when I die the demons and Satan will be glad I am no longer here on this battlefield. I need to take a moment to pray though, and not come to snap conclusions in which I have no evidence to support it. 

We cannot always know what God’s plan is, or how something fits into the grand scheme of things. We cannot know what someone is thinking all the time, especially when you don’t know them. You don’t know what someone is going through, unless they’ve told you. There’s a common phrase going around, ‘everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Many people fight, and keep it to themselves. It’s important to not see yourself on an island. If you put yourself on an island, you are essentially putting yourself in your own version of purgatory. In 2017 I wrote this, and oddly enough, it’s just as valid today, as it was them. 

Lian Yu (Purgatory)

We must not get stuck in our feelings, and one thing I have noticed about myself recently, is that I am using compartmentalization again in my life. Thankfully, this time around, I know that my trauma, or hardships cannot stay in that box for long. It’s important that we seek God and trust in His power and sovereignty to see us through hardships. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.” This isn’t an easy thing, and takes a lot of effort and practice, but I assure you, the more you dive into scripture, and the more you get closer to God, the easier troubled waters become to navigate. We must take time and just like practicing a sport, we must put effort into growing closer to God. IF we do not seek Him, then how do we get to know Him? If we do not study and grow within His Holy Bible, then how do we know what’s right or wrong for our lives? We must not make assumptions about God, just as we must not make assumptions about people. Grow in the Lord and bury His word to the roots of your heart, so it would spring forth a beautiful tree of God’s attributes. Let your faith produce good works, and let your love in God produce beautiful faith. Go in peace, and in love, and face those demons with the Lords word as your shield, and as your two edged sword, cutting deep like a scalpel. Let the Lords will be done in your life, seek patience in your ways, your path, and your thoughts. Be calm and give the benefit of the doubt where you can. 


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New Battle Grounds 

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New Battle Grounds 

Sometimes in our life, things happen that move us from one place to another. In ancient days, Jesus, was moved for His safety from Nazareth, to Egypt. Today, in my life, I moved from one place, rural, to the urban city. Personally, I’m not a city boy, so living in the city, is always a challenge for me. Moving into the city has stressed and challenged my personal life like little has in a long time. Not only has my life turned upside down, heart surgery, moving, now, I have new relationships, which challenge my emotions. My battle zone has changed, and now, I find myself learning to fight in a far distant land. 

The Apostles, after the day of Pentecost, began to spread themselves to share the gospel. They left the comfort of their homes, and found themselves in hostile territory. Missionaries of today are the most like the Apostles of old. Even though we don’t always pick up our stuff and carry on wherever we need to go for God, we are called wherever we go, to share the gospel. The life of those who are followers of Christ, will find themselves in battles, and those battles will vary in difficulty. Recently the battles I’ve faced have been different than anything I’ve faced in the past. All the experience of the past however, the good and the bad, have prepared me for such battles. 

How can we know we are ready for the battles to come? The answer is fairly simple, but difficult to master. We must study. We must spend time in the word of God, and in that word, we must understand the message being delivered to us. Reading scripture is fine, but if we don’t take the time to truly dive in, seek the meaning behind the words, the language, and the people it was written to, we often miss the nuances of scripture. How scripture builds upon what was written, how the past points to the future, and the future points backwards to the past, and the sheer number of seamless cross references shows us the impossibility that scripture was simply man-made. Knowing and growing in the word of God, allowing those words to seep into our hearts, and most importantly, not letting the words get stuck in our minds, but rather, allowing the words to penetrate into our hearts, and changing who we are. If we read scripture and it doesn’t change us, we are essentially no different than the demons of the enemy’s army. The demons know scripture, and we cannot just know it, but we must live it. 

I have found my patience being tested and having major revelations coming to my attention, I am dealing with a major change, a change in the dynamic of my family. How does one deal with discovering truth, which is opposed to the truth of an entire life? When new truths become evident, and one is left to deal with the emotions of it, and we have to face those truths, it can be a challenge. I have found it difficult to put into words the emotions I have felt. How am I supposed to feel? What are the normal feelings for this kind of situation? I have been seeking God for answers and asking for prayers to find the answers I seek. My world has changed, forever changed, and a title I have had my whole life, something I felt was part of my identity, is no longer true, and now I must face the truth, learn about my new family, and discover a new dynamic. God does nothing by mistake, and it is my responsibility to wear the name of Christ, to be the ambassador, marching into this situation, wearing the full Armor of God, and above all standing against the prince of the air, the ruler of this world. Even though I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I must endure, I must try my hardest to be the example, and point those whom I encounter to a very real Christ. Jesus is not just a story in some ancient book, but the son of God who rose from the dead, overcame death, and with that same resurrection power, those who believe in him, obey him, seek him, acknowledge their own sinful nature, turn from that sin, and see Christ as the only way to the father, the forgiver of sins, the blood spilt for us, so it would bridge the chasm between us and Heaven. We must believe and spend our days serving the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords. No matter the storm I find myself in, Jesus is the captain of my ship, and I shall always keep Him at the helm, and I will go where He takes me. I will fight the good fight, and continue to hold the line. I may be in the storm by Jesus my Lord is with me. I may be in the fire, but Jesus my King is with me. I will never face my trials alone, for my Savior is with me. Forever, till the end of the age. 

As my battlefield has changed recently, the battle remains the same. As a Christian, we fight against power well beyond our weight category. Ephesians 6:12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” When we consider any sport that involves fighting, we should look at the weight class, and on our own, we are outclassed every time. We cannot stand against demons who are bred, created for war and service. We don’t have all the information on angels and demons, simply because God didn’t give us that much information. We know that there are angels, like Michael that can fight. An angel can stand toe to toe with a demon because a demon is a corrupted angel. We are a human, what chance do we have? We have the armor of God. The armor gives us the protection we need against demons. Another thing we have on our side, is the word of God. In fact, I would suggest, the word of God is the most effective thing we have. Demons tremble at the voice of Christ, and while we don’t have His voice, we have his words. When we are in scripture, and we are seeking God, we learn about our armor, we learn about how to protect our minds, our hearts, and learn how to walk with Christ using the sandals of the gospel of peace. We hone our armor, and our skills, by reading and growing in scripture. 

As my battlefield has changed, and I’m having surprises come into my life I could have never expected, it’s tested my emotions. I have found myself questioning myself, wondering if my continued rocky path, isn’t of my own making. I have questioned if I was worth anything, and if I was worth saving. In reality, this is spiritual warfare, but nevertheless, it’s the emotions and feelings I’ve been having. I’ve experienced major changes in my life over the last 3 months, and those changes often play with your emotions. Very little of what I’ve wanted to do has worked out the way it was supposed to. Even the simple things, that were given thought, haven’t worked out. Changes to my family have left me facing some long past hurts. Changes to my living space, has left me frustrated, and trying to find peace. Peace in my years, is all I’ve been seeking. While I realize I would have no peace in this world as long as I was a soldier for Christ, I long for peace in my home. The psalm of David rings in my ears, 

Psalm 13 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

4 And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

6 I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

I ask the same question today. My enemy is not a man, or men, but rather the demons that seek to destroy me, and who I am. How long oh Lord, how long? With my physical pain keeping me from doing basic things, to the family, to the living space, I am met with much in the way of fodder for the devil to use. There are many areas right now under construction for him, the father of lies to use against me. The battle is being waged, and my prayers mirror the prayers of David. I will fight, and continue to fight the good fight. I will continue to serve, and be of service. I am the Lords, and I will do what I must to keep moving forward, relying not upon my own strength, but the strength of God within me. I do not fight the demons alone, for God is on my side. I know, either in this life or the next, Jesus is victorious. 

Today, March 4th, 2025, I remember my fallen brothers. 20 years today, they fell in battle. While on mission in Ar-Ramadi, the explosion ripped through the truck, almost everyone was dead in an instant. One survived, but would die of his injuries shortly after. 20 years, has gone in the blink of an eye. We survive on, keeping their memory alive. Our battlefield has changed, but we still fight. Each of us fight in our own way now, 20 years and some of us are still close. It’s hard to believe it’s been 20 years, but here we are. This time 20 years ago, I was reeling from the explosion, and the horrific aftermath. The things I would see that day would haunt my eyes, and mind to this very day. You can take the man away from the battle, but the battle will always live inside the man. The battle continues, but let us remember the fallen today. Let us remember their lives, and their sacrifice. 

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Free Your Mind 

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Free Your Mind 

I can remember the day, September 11th 2006, one week before I put a 9mm hallow-point through my shoulder. I had just learned about my wife’s affair, and I was a devastated mess. My mind raced, and I was far from free. My mind was becoming a prison, one that would take a long time to be free from. It took years for me to be able to sit in a quiet car without worrying about my mind racing, full of negative thoughts. The day you surrender your life to Christ isn’t a magic wand that makes everything else fade away. Just because you give your life to Christ, the healing process of past hurts, still takes time. For me, the day I gave my life to Christ, was the most freeing moment of my life. I grew up in the Catholic Church, and knew Jesus, and assumed I had a relationship with Him because I had gone to church growing up. I assumed because I had gone through the sacraments, first communion, baptism, confirmation, confession, that I would be allowed into Heaven. It was not till I was older that I realized, the demons know Jesus also. Knowing Jesus does not mean you have a relationship with Him. Even scripture tells us this, 

Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’

— Matthew 7:22-23

There are those who follow Jesus because they believe it will make their life better, such as the prosperity gospel. Jesus wants you to live your best life now. If you follow Jesus because you believe, He will grant you the desires of your wicked, selfish heart, then you may be a believer of the prosperity gospel, but that is not the gospel of scripture. I realized later in my life that it wasn’t about what Jesus could do for me in this life. Jesus already did the most important thing in my life, one, sacrificed Himself for me, and the second changed my heart from a heart of stone, to flesh. I’ve found many people follow Christ not because they truly believe in His teachings, but rather the fire insurance. In reality to be a follower of Jesus, we must seek Jesus, and the gift of Heaven is secondary, an added bonus if you will. Many want the gift of Heaven; they just don’t want God to be there. It’s the surrender part that really gets most people, and stops them from being a true follower of Christ. People enjoy the savior part, but are put off by the Lord part. We cannot have salvation without both. We cannot have Heaven without God. We, as a fallen sinful race, have trouble letting go. We want to be plugged into the system of this world, because we love it. We love the freedom to sin, to do whatever we want. We love the pleasures of this world, the money, wealth, and power we may get to have here in this life. Sadly, as a whole, people tend to think this life is all about the money, and stuff, power, prestige, etc. When we follow Jesus, we have to give up much of our old lives, and we have to obey His commands, because if we love Jesus, then we are to love His commands as well. Jesus tells us in Luke 9:23-25 “And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself?”

To live for Christ is to die to one’s self. to live for Christ is to sacrifice one’s life to serve Christ. It isn’t about being saved; it’s about following Christ because He is the truth. We don’t follow Christ because of what we benefit, we follow Christ because His words are true, and the eyewitness testimony of His life and resurrection are the truth. His miracles which were never refuted by anyone, not the Jews, or the Romans, were done by the only Son of God. How could we not follow him? 

In reality, the thing we must do is surrender ourselves to the Lord. The day I surrendered to the Lord I realized my way was folly. I think of what Boromir said in the Fellowship of the Ring, “it is folly.” Boromir discusses the trouble of taking the one ring to Mordor. Not with an army, could it be done. He made a decision based on his understanding of the world as a soldier. Unable to see the world in a different perspective, he truly believed it couldn’t be done. We are very similar as a people. To follow Jesus is just folly to the atheist. The people of the world, reject Christ, because in reality, they want to be their own god. The sin that snared Eve in the Garden, was pride. The snake said “You’d be like God’. Eve jumped at the opportunity to be like God, and we sinful creatures jump at the opportunity to be hostile to the one true God. No other religion in the world is treated with such hostility as Christianity. I myself am not a follower of Christ because I was raised too, or even because of culture, I am a believer because it’s the truth. When you follow the evidence to its logical conclusion, Christianity is the truth. To get there though, one must free their mind, let go of what the world tells them to think and believe. Christ showed us the truth through His signs and wonders. He showed us the truth in His eye witnesses. As J. Wallace talks about in His book “Cold Case Christianity” one piece of evidence may be circumstantial, but when you begin to add up all the evidence, it’s impossible to be a coincidence anymore. I had to let go of wanting to do this life on my own. I had to realize the phrase “I got this” was not true at all. In fact, the ideal that I had it, got me to the dangerous side of the long-distance whole puncher. When I look at today’s life, I realized I, in fact, don’t got it. My way often led me to more trouble. When I try to fix anything on my own accord, I tend to screw everything up. Our way is not Holy, and when we do it our way, we, in our hubris, think we are just as good as God. We must reject ourselves and follow Christ, and we must reject the world, and follow Christ. 

In this life, we have a choice, to answer the call of the Holy Spirit upon our hearts. Do we unplug from the world, forsaking this life, to allow God, allowing Jesus to take up our life? If Christianity is not true, we lose nothing in this life. If it is true, and we do not follow it, we lose everything. Jesus is the WAY, the TRUTH, and THE LIFE, NO ONE GETS TO THE FATHER BUT THROUGH JESUS. Jesus gave us all the evidence we’d ever need to justify what scripture said, that we may look upon the cross and believe, that we have hope by looking at the empty tomb. Let us let go of the world, for those who let go of the world, shall inherit the kingdom of God. For it is our faith in Jesus, and we are saved by His grace, and His mercy. The truth will set us free. The truth will unplug us from the world, and we are adopted as citizens of Heaven, and we become ambassadors in this world. We have a mission to set more minds free, and share the gospel with everyone. We are to study to show ourselves approved. We are to understand and share the Word of God, with those around us. We are to make disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ. We must help unplug more and more people from the world, share with them the truth, and show them the way. 

Years later, I was driving in the car and I realized I had not turned on the radio. I realized I had not turned-on music from my phone. I realized I was sitting in absolute silence. I no longer had the intrusive thoughts I once had. I realized, in that moment, years of studying God’s word, going to church, and different therapies to help with the past trauma, led me to a point where I saw healing in my life. The day you give your life to Christ and become unplugged is the day you start a new journey. Just like Neo in the ‘Matrix’, he didn’t know everything about the Matrix, that took time for him to learn, to grow. Our day of Justification (Just as if I never sinned) happens one time. But, the growing in the Lord, the becoming more like Christ, takes time, a lifetime in fact. We never stop growing, and never reach our full potential till the day we breathe our last here on Earth, and open our eyes in Heaven. Just because we are followers of Christ doesn’t mean we don’t struggle, or have trials. On the contrary, we will have trials, and we will struggle, and we will be forged in fire. We must see through the eyes of Christ and see the world for what it is, the devils playground. We must face the ever-growing threat of darkness all around us, and prepare for the battle that looms ahead. Now we’re unplugged from the world, we face an army of sentinels, and agents, demons, and humans still plugged in to the system Satan has control over. Our job, is to continue to grow in our strength for the Lord, study to show ourselves approved, put scripture in our hearts to not sin against God, but to also resist the lies of the world. Let us face the army of Satan together, as brothers and sisters of Christ. Let us be the resistance, as we resist the attacks, the army that wages war against us. The truth, Jesus Christ, will set you free. 

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The Man Who Cries

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The Man Who Cries

Years ago, if you were to ask me, ‘when was the last time you cried?’ I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. If you were to ask me today in my life, I could tell you, it was just the other day. I’m sure many of you have seen those last day since incident signs in a workplace, for me, I rarely get beyond a week. After my GSW in 2016, I began multiple therapies. Over the last 8 years, I have done one or two therapies a year, both from the VA and WWP (Wounded Warrior Project). Even though the therapies today are not required, I have chosen to continue to grow, and add tools to my toolbox. Some of these tools are effective communication, emotion regulation, a wholistic approach to self-care, interpersonal relationships, biblical relationships, and more. One side effect however is, some of my emotions stay pretty close to the surface. For years I felt like I was walking along a desert road with no water, no shelter, and no help in sight. I felt like a broken man, in a broken land, and behind me the shadow crept nipping at my heels, waiting for the right time to strike. When it caught up to me in 2016, I was nearly destroyed. In an instant thought, I experienced a miracle, and I was forgiven. I was no longer a man constrained by my fear, my doubts, or my trauma. I’d begin to learn from new eyes, how to heal. Now, I live, with the power of the cross behind me, in front of me, and side by side with me. Jesus saved my soul, and began to put the pieces of my broken heart back together. Since then, I’ve experienced a slew of more miracles, which have unlocked a new character trait. I now cry pretty easily. My tears are not always tears of sadness, but also of joy, or empathy. 

Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” 

Here the Apostle Paul is teaching us how to be Christians with other Christians and the world around us. How do we serve a mighty God? We each have gifts and those gifts are used differently for the Lord. We are told to learn our gifts and use them. We are told much in Chapter 12. 

12 Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and [e]acceptable and perfect.

3 For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. 4 For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly: if prophecy, according to the proportion of his faith; 7 if service, in his serving; or he who teaches, in his teaching; 8 or he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; 11 not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, 13 contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. 17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

We see how to use our gifts, we are told to persevere, to rejoice in the hope of Christ, to not be wise of our own estimation, how to treat our enemies, and more. I have learned much in my 8 years, and have a long way to go. If I’m honest, these last few months have been some of the most challenging of my life. In reality, the song ‘Hard Fought Hallelujah’, truly feels like my theme song right now. There’s a line, “there’s days when a praise come out easy, there’s days it takes all the strength I got.” The heart, a little object inside the body, that keeps us alive. The heart of the mind however, when it’s broken, boy does that affect so much of our life. A broken heart can do so much damage to our lives. In May of 2024 I wrote a post called “The Best Captain”, and it in I wrote a line “Sometimes I can hear the darkness beckon to me, it tells me all is lost.” The darkness gripped me that day in 2016, and I was smashed by the tidal wave. Today, the hardship, the heartbreak is different, but strong. 

“The storm is raging on, the lighting cracks in the sky, and I can barely hear Captain’s orders. The darkness surrounds the ship, as she creaks and groans in the treacherous waves. Fear of the ship running aground, or breaking up, or worse, I get tossed over, leaves me trembling with worry. The waves crash over the rail, and I take the full force of the wall of water. I’m wet, and cold, fear grips me, and I fall to my knees and begin to cry. Just as I do a hand touches my shoulder. “‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your CAPTAIN. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Cap knows just what to say when I need it.” (The Best Captain)

The Best Captain 

I know that Jesus has never left my side. I know that the demons flee before Him, quiver at the sound of His voice. I know that in this life we have trouble, and I know that it’s okay to cry. I know that what I’ve endure is not an easy thing, and not just the surgery, but other things added to it, have given just cause to cry. In my life today, I often ask questions, even from secular songs, how could this apply to me? LeAnn Rimes performed a song ‘How Do I Live’  and in that song: 

How do I

Get through one night with you

If I had to live without you

What kind of life would that be

Indeed, how do I live without Jesus? How could I get through one night with Him the King of the universe? If I had to live without Jesus by my side, what kind of life would that be? I would be nowhere without my Lord and Savior. I would be lost to travel this life on a rotten tub of a ship in the rough seas, where I’d likely sink and join Davy Jones Locker. Without Christ to save us, we are dead men. We are dead in our sins, with no hope. Without Christ we are still plugged into the Matrix. We are still blind. 

I’ve found that in my walk with Christ I have become more sensitive to the emotions of righteousness. I have found that I feel more deeply, but also hurt more deeply when I see injustice. I find that I no longer hide the feelings within, but wear them on my sleeve. Now, don’t misunderstand, if I need to, I am well adept to hide my emotions, if needed. I wonder, in my life, what Jesus would say or do if He witnessed what I have. How would it make Him feel. I have tried to have empathy, understanding, but always stand upon the truth. I’ve often found myself connecting with Captain America’s character, the hero boy scout. I abhor bullies, and injustice. It makes me both angry and broken at the same time. I feel God has given me the mission to stand up with my voice and speak out against injustice. I have spoken about the human trafficking. I have spoken against the mutilation of boys and girls happening in our world. I have spoken out against racism. I have spoken out against the evils of socialism and communism. I have spoken out against the attack on God’s people in the persecuted church. I have spoken out about the evil of killing our unborn children. I have recently felt I need to talk about spousal violence in our society, and will likely do a podcast for this subject. I indeed, feel deeply about these types of injustices, and will continue to speak out. Even though my own life is full of heartbreak, this does not mean the world stops. It doesn’t mean I don’t continue to do the work, even if it means I must drop to my knees, and cry to my Lord, to save my nation. I pray for a great awakening in my land, that we turn from our wicked ways, and seek God. I pray for the stay of the Lord’s judgment, even though I believe we are in His judgment now. Sometimes the Lord’s judgment doesn’t come as a sword, but the turning of His back. I pray we as Christians continue to seek the Lord, and continue to grow in His Word. I pray we treat one another better. I pray we do not take the Lord righteous name in vain, as we wear His holy name and yet we do awful things. These things bring tears to my eyes. My hardships bring tears to my eyes, as the stress on my shoulders is mighty. I have felt like the Greek God Atlas recently, the world on my shoulders. I have been praying the Lord lighten my burden, and I know He will when the time is right. I pray for His help to hold up the burden upon my shoulders. The King, the mighty Lord Jesus, is greatest of all. 

Jesus changed my life, and changed me. Jesus brought me to life, taking my life and giving me new purpose, He has never left my side. Jesus showed me a better way, His way, of living life. Jesus has given me His grace and mercy, and all I can do is try my best to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him. I cannot live in fear, and even though my tears may fall, I have hope that in the end of this journey, the moment I step into glory, I shall have no more tears. I will have no more scars. I shall no more hurt. I will finally be able to rest. I long for that day, I long to be in the presence of my Lord, and finally, meet Him face to face, though I will never be worthy of it. I will never be able to work enough, or do enough, to be worthy of it, but the Lord’s blood washed me clean, and He promised to never leave me, so I’m never alone. I do not cry alone, but the Lord cries with me. Now, and till the day I reach the shores of the far distant land I journey too. 

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Akula, kotorya Ne plavayet, Ne tonet. “The shark that does not swim, drowns.” (Part 2)

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Akula, kotorya Ne plavayet, Ne tonet. “The shark that does not swim, drowns.” (Part 2) 

Many years ago, I wrote this post, and it has been a timeless piece. Before the start of 2025 it had 11,666 views. Since 2025 so far it’s had another 49 views equaling 11,715 views. Since at the time of this writing the first of the year was 42 days. Which means this old post has been seen at least once a day since then. One of the most popular posts I ever made. Perhaps it was the name, that it was written partially in Russian, perhaps it shows up when people search it because it was seen in the CW show Arrow. I decided since it was so popular, and still is, that I would revisit it and perhaps update it. 

The Old Post 

{ In our walk with Christ it’s important that we never stop moving. The call of the Great Commission was one that would continue till the day we are called home. Philippians 3:12-14“12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”In life it’s hard to not live in the past. It’s hard to have faith and live in the present. We must always continue to move forward but remember to do so in accordance with God’s plan for you. If your plans are just and faithful then perhaps God will allow for your plans to come to pass.

Joshua 1:7“7 Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success[a] wherever you go.” Some kinds of sharks will drown if they do not continue to move. As such we too must continue moving. Isaiah 43:18-19“18 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”We must learn from the past, but do not stay in the past. We must not allow ourselves to be consumed by grief, by despair, by fear, or by hatred. We must not allow ourselves to relive our past over and over again.

Galatians 2:20-21 “20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” Our savior died for us, to wipe away the sins of old to free us to move forward in the new light.

As we move forward to Easter Sunday remember what the past is. The past was sin and death. Christ took that from us, he set our new path. Don’t loose sight of the meaning behind Easter. Don’t loose sight of our journey forward. Follow Christ and never turn around. }

Akula, kotorya Ne plavayet, Ne tonet. “The shark that does not swim, drowns.”

Now, let us look at this. Our walk is not an easy one. In fact, when we look to Jesus, and to see what He called on for His disciples we see a few things, first: He called us to count the cost. 

Luke 14:25-33

25 Now large crowds were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them, 26 “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. 27 Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. 28 For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? 29 Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him, 30 saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ 31 Or what king, when he sets out to meet another king in battle, will not first sit down and consider whether he is strong enough with ten thousand men to encounter the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32 Or else, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. 33 So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.

Lets break this down, first we see that although we love our parents, they should never be exalted higher than Jesus. In fact, nothing is higher than Jesus. We love our wives, we love our children, but Jesus must always come first. Let us look at what we know. Jesus calls Simon to him, from the shore where he was fishing. Simon, later named Peter, was the only Apostle married that we know about. Peter would follow Christ, and would later be martyred for Christ. Peter, knew the cost of continuing to follow Christ, and left a wife, and maybe kids, to follow Christ. One who loves his own life so much that he or she chases worldly things, over Christ, is not a true disciple of Jesus. There is a true cost to following Christ, but worth everything worldly we may lose to do it. 

Jesus told us in scripture that He did not come to bring peace to this world, but that He came with a sword, to divide. 

Luke 12:49-53

49 “I have come to cast fire upon the earth; and how I wish it were already kindled! 50 But I have a baptism to undergo, and how distressed I am until it is accomplished! 51 Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? I tell you, no, but rather division; 52 for from now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. 53 They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”

It is not an easy thing when you come to Christ, and are faced with the response from others close to you. Perhaps you’ve experienced this, where you came to Christ and all of a sudden there are those around you who turn hostile towards you. Or, perhaps there were people in your life who had been trying for years to turn your attention towards Christ. Jesus here is telling the people, that his mission was not what they expected. It was not to become King, and overthrow Rome, but rather to build the bridge for us back to Heaven. For us to have repentance and in that repentance the forgiveness of sins. To bridge the gap of the gentiles, to complete His flock. Jesus is the salvation for our sins, but also the King of kings. As a Christian, we must remember that the cost of following the Lord is a high price, but one that is always worth it. The apostle Paul speaks on this, 

I have been in this very situation, where as some of you know, I had the choice to undergo open heart surgery recently (At the time of this writing). I did not have to do the surgery, and at some point the aorta would rupture, or the valve would fail, and I would die, going home to Christ. However, after prayer, I decided to do the surgery. 

Philippians 1:21-26

21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again.

Paul, having been to prison multiple times, and having been beaten, and mocked, it can be understood that he was physically tired. I am by no means saying I am anything close to the greatness that the Apostle Paul was, but I do understand the tired. I understand the desire to go home to Christ. But, in that breath, I understand the need to keep moving forward. We as Christians are always being attacked by the deceiver. We are always being hunted and stalked by Satan and his demons. There’s a secular song, that I listen to called “Unsinkable” By: SailNorth. He does sea shanty style music, and this particular song resonates with me. 

Аіm high, ѕwing hаrd

Lеave it оut there

No regrets

Му blood is in the water and the sharks are takin’ bеts

Тhey сircle in, waitіng for my final breath

Вut they won’t see me drown

*** 

Lightning strikes, calling demоns from the deep

The thunder’s throwin’ punches, tryin’ to knock me off my fеet

But I won’t bow when their shadows cover me

My cоurse iѕ carved in stone

When the wind rips the tide

I will sail

Reaсh the other sіde

Let the storm roll on wild

І wаs born for this

The chorus says he’s unsinkable. When the sail is torn, he’d still reach the other side. The resilience of a man determined not to die. 

I see it as my determination not to let Satan get the better of me. I realize that living the life of a Christian is incredibly hard, but to give up one’s life is to gain Christ. Dying is easy, but living is hard, I have looked back at my choice to remain in this world, and sometimes, I have regretted that decision. However, I have my loved ones to think about, and I ask God, what He wants me to do. I wish I could afford a large house with an empty upstairs so I could start the canteena mission. I feel God has laid a great desire upon my heart, and I hope one day, I’ll be able to see it fulfilled. God has spared my life many times by way of miracle, and I know that I have to keep moving forward, or else I’ll drown. We as Christians must continue to grow in the word. We must be able to make a defense for our faith. We must continue to grow so we know what the word says on how to combat the devil’s attacks in temptation and sin. We must know what to do about the draw of the world, and how to resist Satan and his lies, and the sin that plagues our hearts. We cannot remain baby Christians forever. We cannot stay on the milk, but rather graduate to solid foods. Each and every day, we must be sanctified by Christ, seeking to be more and more like Him with each passing day. While we are justified once, (Just as if I have never sinned) we cannot stay where we were yesterday. So how do we do this? 

First, we must come to Christ. We must realize we are sinners, and doomed for Hell. Once we acknowledge the need for a savior, we seek Christ Jesus. We go to Jesus and ask for Him in our hearts. We repent of our sins and believe in Jesus, and put our faith in Him. This is the day of our justification. From this day forth we must grow in Jesus. We must allow the Holy Word of God to infiltrate our hearts, and let us grow closer to God. We must seek first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33). We must desire and be thirsty for the Word. We must desire to know God, and the only way to truly know God, is to read the Bible. IF we stop reading the Bible, essentially, we stop growing. If we stop growing, essentially, we stop swimming, and of course we know that, the shark that does not swim, drowns. Let us not stop swimming, let us not stop craving the Word of God. Let us continue to grow closer to Him, and lean not upon our own understanding, for the Lords ways are not our ways. (Proverbs 3:5 – Isaiah 55:8-9) 

Go, seek first the kingdom, continue to grow in the Lord, do not grow stagnant, or complacent, for that is when the attacks of the Devil will come and breach the walls of your home, will find the cracks in your armor, and will wreak havoc in your life. Do not become a broken home because you allowed evil to permeate your life. Be ever vigilant, because the devil doesn’t take a day off, and neither can you. 

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Fear

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Fear is not something I’ve experienced much of in my later life. Today, I am afraid. As my life is about to change forever, fear fills my heart. It isn’t that I don’t have faith, or not enough faith, as a friends message pointed out so eloquently recently, but I am mostly human. That’s a cyborg joke since I now have a mechanical upgrade keeping my heart pacing. I have faced death and been shot at, blown up, jumped out of airplanes, and have moved across the world many times. My life, has not been an easy road, but my life longs for peace, and I’ve not had it since heart surgery. It’s amazing how much heart surgery forces us to face our mortality. It’s amazing to think that just a couple months ago, I nearly died. Our hearts are so tender at a funeral. The emotions right at the surface, like a live wire to be plucked by life. In a way, while no one has died recently in my life, death is not just the living body. I have in other ways, experienced loss, and grief. My dearly beloved cat has passed. My body has experienced a grave trauma. I am about to move to a new home after eight years. I feel as if I am not going to find peace any time soon in my life. In fact, simultaneously peace and not peace. While life is beyond stressful, and my plate is full, life is not of peace, but my heart knows the Lord. The Lord grants peace, we know this from scripture. We aren’t robots, or at least I’m not all robot. 

Paul is offering the Lords peace be upon the readers of his letter. 

Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!

— 2 Thessalonians 3:16

John notes the words of Jesus. 

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

— John 14:27

Our peace is found in the Lord. We face the worlds struggles, and while we do these things as faithful Christians, we know many faithful struggled. 

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.”

— 1 Kings 19:4

Elijah suffered long, David suffered, Peter suffered, and many, many more. The Christ’s church cannot be stopped by the gates of Hell. More important than any others, Jesus suffered for us. 

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

— 1 Peter 5:10

What is life but a vapor? A short while we are here, and in this life, Jesus promised hard times, but also promised that in those times, we would not be tempted more than any other person, 

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

— 1 Corinthians 10:13

Jesus is our way, Jesus is the way. Jesus shows us the escape. When we are suffering, and when we are struggling, Jesus is our God, who saves us, who removes our ledge of crimson, and makes it white as snow. May we repent of our sins, and Jesus makes straight our path. No one said the path would be easy, but we must ask if we are doing as He commands us. I am but a mere human, struggling to walk the path. I read, I study, I listen, and yet lo, I struggle.

For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

— Psalm 13:1-3

Jesus comforts us and is near to the broken hearted. Am I broken hearted? Yes. Do I struggle? Yes. My brokenness runs deep right now. In my prayers I ask God to grant me His peace. I ask God grants me serenity to let go of what I need to let go of, fix what i can fix, and in all ways accept God’s path, that I will not lean upon my own understanding. My heart breaks apart this day, but one day, it shall be made new and I shall see God. 

Having fear is human. When the Word says I have not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of courage, we really have to continue to grow. Sanctification is a process. We have to spend time in the word to grow in the spirit of Christ. I have spent years dealing with this topic. When I was in Iraq I was forced to face fear. After you face evil directly, fear is something that starts to fade. When I began growing in the Lord, my fear of death disappeared. When I consider fear, I consider that most if not all fears generally when you travel down the road of that fear, it ends with a fear of one’s own mortality. Once you can eliminate your fear of dying, many other fears will disappear. That being said, there are some fears, such as the fear of failure, fear of change, that must also be concurred. As I am faced with some of these fears, I am not accustomed to feeling fear. When I was facing heart surgery, I did not have a fear of dying, but rather, more concerned about what the surgery would do to my loved ones. While I do not have the same fear that many people do, my loved ones have a great fear of dying, and a fear of losing me. It’s this fear, that I have been cognoscente of. How can I, the man of the house, lift up those who remain in their fear? When I am afraid of the upcoming change in my life, that I will fail, and fall into hard times? I don’t have an answer, except to continue to grow in your walk with Christ. We must face our fears, and we do that by reading the Word of God. We study, we grow, we allow the word to change who we are. We must be ready to defend our faith, and we cannot do that if we are not growing in Christ. For some, maybe you haven’t accepted Christ yet. First, acknowledge you are a sinner. We are dead in our sins, not worthy of Heaven. We must see ourselves as sinners, and know that Jesus is the savior for our sins. He handed himself over, and laid down his life to reconcile the repentant sinner to God the Father. We must surrender to Christ, and know He is both Savior, and Lord. We must accept Him as our sacrifice for sins, and therefore, we must trust in faith, and obey His commandments. There is no sin so great that God cannot forgive. We do however need to feel that sorrow over sin, and truly repent of our sins. Jesus is worth your heart. Let us continue to grow in Him. 

May God grant me peace, and understanding, and love. God shows me His way. I pray for mercies as I navigate these troubled waters. May I step out of the boat, and trust in Him.

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Faith

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Faith

I’ve talked about faith a lot on this website. Faith is something we each have, even if we don’t realize it. Those who talk against the Christian walk, in support of the sciences have faith. Those who claim to be atheists have faith. Those who claim to be agnostic have faith. Faith is the believing in something without all the proof. Merriam Webster says this “belief and trust in and loyalty to God”, “firm belief in something for which there is no proof”, “Complete Trust”, 
 “something that is believed especially with strong conviction”. You see, faith, is had by everyone, it’s simply a matter of defining what they believe. 

Many believe a Christians faith is misplaced, or it’s based on poor evidence. Sadly, this assertion is simply far from the truth. It’s been said that the faith needed for the big bang, or evolution is far greater than that of the Christian walk. There is less evidence for those things, than there is of the Christian faith. Even the other religions pale in comparison to evidence, and some have little to no evidence at all. I will not be getting into each of these things and why they lack evidence, but I encourage you to do some deep dives. For Christians, there are a few people who’ve done extraordinary work on this and I will be talking about some of them. 

The Bible expresses faith is this, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the [Evidence]conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

We do not walk blindly into the night, or at least many of us don’t. When I say us, I mean those who do this for a living. Those who study the faith, study scripture, and preach it and teach it regularly, have usually done deep dives into the, testing the integrity of the Bible, the dependability of the scriptures, the trustworthiness of the eyewitnesses that spoke on Christ. These things lend to our faith being strengthened, and in many cases fortified in its indwelled truth of what is written in God’s word. Simply put, the Bible is reliable, and has stood up to scrutinizing people for centuries, in fact, for a little over 2000 years now. 

My personal faith: Growing up in the Catholic church, I felt a strong connection to church. I didn’t have some of the usual catholic ideals pushed on me, so it wan’t till older in life I heard of such things. I did not hardly ever touch my rosary. I very seldom heard the ‘Hail Mary’. I did however do the other sacraments, of confession, confirmation, and first communion. One other thing I heard growing up was praying to the saints for intercession of our needs. When I got older, I became confused. The Bible says this, Romans 8:34 34 “who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.” And in 1 John 2:1 “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous;” and in Hebrews 7:25 25 “Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them.” 

I didn’t understand, so, was I supposed to pray to the saints? Was I supposed to pray to Mary? The more I studied my Bible, the more I became convicted, some of the things I thought were right, didn’t seem right anymore. As I got back into church, the first church was an Episcopal church, where women were priests. This raised another slew of questions for me. I had often wondered if the Catholic church was correct forcing celibacy on priests, but this was something entirely different. This, allowing women to preach, was this in scripture? Scripture says this 1 Timothy 2:12 “But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.” It seems women were not supposed to be priests, or for that matter preach the word to a room of men. The caveat of course is we know Pricilla helped in the teaching of a prominent teacher (Apollos). This shows us that woman can teach kids, and even help evangelize for Christ. But not to have a role preaching from the pulpit. 

As I got older and continued to grow, a few men came into my life that helped me study scripture. They did not just give me their opinion; in fact, it was quite the opposite. “The opinions of man are smashed on the anvil of the Word of God” Charles Spurgeon. What was taught was pure scripture. As I grew in understanding, my faith also grew. The more into the word I got, the greater and stronger my faith became. I began to see where my old opinions began to die, along with my old assertions to what was true. The more into scripture I got, the more the idea that I grew up sorely lacking crept into my life. IF that Catholics had it wrong, what was right? The answer was actually pretty simple. Ephesians 2:8-9 “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” For I, me, the Arrow Preacher, is saved by grace, through faith. Like the serpent held high by Moses to allow the Israelites to be saved, they must look upon it and have faith. We must look up to our Christ Jesus on the cross and have faith of who He was, and what He died for. Our messiah, Our Lord. It was in that moment I realized there was a doctrine that lined up with scripture, and as I was taught, this doctrine would become the hill I’d be willing to die on. This doctrine is called “The Five Solas”: 

Sola Gratia – Grace Alone

Sola Fide – Faith Alone 

Solus Christus – Christ Alone 

Soli Deo Gloria – Glory of God Alone

Sola Scriptura – Scripture Alone

Made easy, we are saved by Grace, in Faith, through Christ, for the Glory of God, and our only source of knowledge and truth is in scripture. For more on this you can read here at Ligonier Ministries. 

https://learn.ligonier.org/articles/what-are-the-five-solas

My faith grew because I was learning from the Bible alone, and because I was reading God’s truth, I began to see many of the doctrines I was taught growing up had actually led me astray. But my faith having been put to the test in 2016 came out stronger, and continued to grow in strength. 

In 2016, a couple days after I discovered my ex-wife was having an affair, I was sitting in church alone. I was sitting in a spot I never sat before, I was sitting in the pew a broken man. My everything was shattered. I heard the preacher talk, and the Holy Spirit rested over me, convicting me of my brokenness. Showing me that I had but one thing to do. The question came into my mind, “What if I gave everything, what if I gave you everything, what if I stopped holding back everything from you?” I walked the isle that day, tears flowing from my face before I got to the pastor. I was ready to surrender and give it all to Jesus. I was ready to lay my shame out there and walk out of that sanctuary a new man. That broken man, broke down upon the alter, tears flowing uncontrollably from his face. Crying out to the Lord to take over, to change him. He didn’t want to be that many anymore. A week later I had a brush with death. My wife was leaving, taking with her half of everything. She was taking with her 100% of our family. In my loss, and added a little liquid death (alcohol), I sat on the front porch and watched her and her sister pack the car. In my despair I put a pistol to my shoulder and pulled the trigger. I was experiencing a major break in the internal walls I had built to hold all my traumas. Everything passed by my internal eye like movie clips, showing me each of my traumas and failures. I was experiencing a tsunami effect, years of compartmentalization coming back to haunt me. I couldn’t take the failure in my brain, and the pain I felt, needed to be matched with an equal amount of physical pain. I was not looking to die, but to feel, to stop the emotional pain, to reset the onboard computer. I thought my fate was sealed, and that pistol sat upon my shoulder for just a few seconds before I pulled the trigger. What I saw that day stays in my mind, vividly. The blood splatter, the screams, the oxygen leaving my body, and in less than a few moments, nothing. The world was black, it was a void, nothing above me, or below me, nothing I could see, and no light but just a bit from myself. In my fear, in my despair, I cried out to God, “God, I’m sorry.” I expected nothing. I looked for nothing. I expected to die and this was the end of my life, a void of nothing. But that’s when I heard it. A voice came from the darkness shaking the very bones of my body. “You’re forgiven” was all the words said. It felt like being inside a lightning bolt. How much the ground shakes when a bolt is close, was nothing in compare to what I felt. My whole-body shook, as what felt like a lightning bolt hit me. I awoke in the ambulance surprising the paramedics, who believed I’d die before reaching the hospital. The pain my body was in, I wanted to return to what I knew was God. But, much like the words of Gandalf in “Two Towers” “I’ve been sent back, at the turn of the tide.” Why had God sent me back and not just taken me home? 

While I was justified that Sunday September 11th, 2016, my sanctification process would come in a very real metaphorical dumpster fire. I would have to rely on my faith and what little scripture I knew to start getting me through the next 10 months. The divorce and separation were messy to say the least. My faith however was growing in the Lord. It was not a blind faith, but one built upon the Lord’s truth. The Apostles would die, die horrible deaths fueled by hatred and torture, they died never once recanting their eyewitness accounts. Who dies for a lie? People die all the time for a lie, but not one they know for sure is a lie. Jesus could not be a good man, if He wasn’t who He said He was. If He lied, He’d not be a good man, because good men don’t lie. When we see the Apostles were all in hiding at His crucifixion, why the sudden change? Why did they go from petrified cowards, to be willing to get put into jail over and over again, and even horrible deaths. What did they see? They saw the very real risen Christ. Why did Jesus have 12 Apostils? Representing the 12 tribes from the Old Testament. Jesus chose men, no one would choose to change the world. Their eye witness counts would stand the scrutiny of those who truly study it. Men like J. Werner Wallace, Lee Strobel, and Josh McDowell, Sean H. McDowell, have given us the work, the unbiased, or rather, atheist bias, of the scriptures, and the truth of the scriptures turned Wallace, and Strobel into believers. From atheist to believer in the process of disputing and attempt to disprove the scriptures, yet, now, they believe Jesus was who He said He was. 

Myself, I grew up believing parts of the Bible but not all of it. I very much believed in Theistic evolution (also known as theistic evolutionism or God-guided evolution), alternatively called evolutionary creationism, is a view that God acts and creates through laws of nature. I tried to mix the science I grew up with, and the faith I had. This was folly however, as I would come to believe, I had been wrong my whole life. Through my studies with my mentors, and even the Christian University I attended, I found, I was wrong. I truly had been broken down to the bedrock, and rebuilt in Christ. I did not know why Jesus saved me that day, but it wasn’t an easy road. Truly, I laid all my hopes on the table and all my sins were forgiven. I had been washed by the blood, and Jesus saw to rebuild me. My faith in Jesus that September 11th would change my life forever. The day I put that 9mm through my shoulder, I would truly be reborn, because the life I was living had been touched by the hand of God. In my investigation, I found I was never shocked by the paddles, so the electricity I felt, could not have been the defibrillator, but the hand of God. God saw fit, to drastically and dramatically alter my life. 

Over the next year God would put me where He wanted me. I’d have emergency neck surgery and God would bring me through that as well. I’d go through (WWP) Project Odyssey, which began to help with the trauma I had experienced in my life. I’d go through DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy), which is a structured therapy that helps people learn to manage their emotions and change their behaviors. I’d go to another (WWP) Wounded Warrior Project, a Soldier Ride, in which I met a man that changed my path. He expressed his opinion, my path was that of ministry. I laughed at him. I was to broken, too lost in my life to get into ministry. My faith, was tainted by my own self-doubts, my own self-loathing, that hadn’t been purged from me completely yet. I’d later experience a weekend with God, in a program called Lamplighter, and that was the last major even that would change my course, to, you guessed it, ministry. My faith, which was being shown, my life was meant to trust in God, not just during the good times, the easy times, but the hardest of times. My faith was being forged in the trials of life. My walk with God was being shaped through many hardships, and my faith was growing in strength. 

Since then, I have experienced many hardships in my life. I’ve experienced loss, and heartbreak. I recently had yet another brush with death, but many consecutive miracles. For those I would like to have you read 

The Week My Heart Stopped

and 

One Month Later 

These posts highlight what I went through. They highlight the events I believe to be miracles in my life. This doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. What it does mean, is the path of a Christian is not an easy one. I have grappled with tough things, just in the last couple months. I was not convinced having open heart surgery, or even the pacemaker surgery, was the right decision. It would have been easy for me to say I was ready to go home. It would have been easy for me to give up this life, but I needed to lean upon my faith to justify staying here longer. I highlight this fight in the blog post, 

Why Do You Keep Fighting? 

In reality, I fight for those I care about. I fight to continue spreading the Gospel of Christ to as many people as I can. My faith, while strong, doesn’t mean I haven’t questioned my choices. It doesn’t mean I haven’t spoken to God about this, but in the end, I am still here, and I’m still leaning upon that faith, not of my own understanding. I don’t exactly know why God saved me, so all I have is my faith. I trust in the Lord, and I expect He will guide my path. He will walk with me, and if He chooses to reveal any details about why I’m still here, I’m sure He will. When I doubt, I know it’s the liar, the deceiver, whispering in my ear. I recognize his vial speech within my deep thoughts of denial, and strife. The power that raised Jesus is the same power that lives within me. The same faith that made David step out onto that battle field with a few smooth stones, the same faith that Gideon had when he fought the Midianites. The same faith Daniel had to pray openly, and face the lions. The same faith Peter felt when he stepped out of the boat in the storm. The same faith that Paul had that led him through various trials, but most important was the first choice to go from hunting Christians to being one of them. This is the faith that rests within me. 

I am not a perfect man, and my faith isn’t perfect. I am not a finished product, and in my weakness He is strong. I do however sin, and I must repent of those sins. I need to seek forgiveness when I do sin, and believe the blood of Christ will wash me clean. I do not mean to sin, my faith does not give me a free license to sin, but when I do, I know Jesus picks me up, puts me back together. See…. The truth is, when I am shattered, and I’m broken, and I know I have wronged a Holy God; when I am hurting, I do not want to be put back together the same. I want God to change me through these experiences. When I go through these things, I have faith that God is using it to bring me closer to Himself. I want my life to be sanctified in Christ, and therefore I do not want be the same today as I was yesterday. I pray to God that my yesterday is gone, and today is a new opportunity for me to get closer to Him. My faith has never come back empty. While I don’t always get what I want, I get from God exactly what I need. Faith in Christ is not a blind faith, and we see in scripture the truth, that this life will not be easy for a Christian. It is not meant for wealth, and fame, and peaceful living. The truth is, we are soldiers on the battlefield for Christ, and our faith is, we know we are fighting for good. Everything we experiences forges us into a stronger soldier. We can resist Satan because we have faith and trust in the one true King, Jesus Christ. Jesus gives us all we need, and in our faith in Him, we can rejoice when we are beaten, rejoice when we reach the mountain top, and rejoice when we are laid by the peaceful streams. Our faith tells us that the battle is won, and we can trust in Christ in all we do. My faith tells me that one day I will be called home, but till that day comes, my faith will remain true.

Let us not put our faith in the wrong places. Let us be careful and cautious with whom and what we place our faith. Let us not put faith in our heart, for it is deceitfully wicked. Let us not put our faith in idols, or even people. Let us test everything, and ensure it comes from the Lord. Have faith in Jesus. Let us go, and make disciples, showing them why our faith is true. Let our faith guide us to dig deep in scripture, learning, growing, and let our faith teach us how to fight for the truth. Let us understand apologetics (the defense of our faith), and be able to know scripture, to withstand the external scrutiny. Not everything you read on the internet is true. Not everything on Instagram or TikTok is true and accurate, and it’s yours and my job as a Christian to decern the truth. The only truth that matters is what’s in scripture. Hold fast to your faith, and don’t let the world deceive you. Go in the peace and love of Jesus Christ. 

For more content on faith you can read: 

Where is YOUR Faith?
Making the Leap of Faith
Build Your Faith on a Solid Foundation
Build Faithful Wealth
Leap of Faith
Simple Faith

For more content you can follow on YouTube: 

https://youtube.com/@thearrowpreacher6920?si=wvVC80iHWsSSkRY1

Currently going through the Gospel of John. 

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? 

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WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? 

Growing up I wanted to be nothing but a soldier. In fact, I wanted to be a fighter pilot, but early in my life I found myself pushing to be a soldier. The day before I graduated from high school I received a letter from the Marine Corps, denying my entry to the Corps. The following day I went to graduation not knowing what my future would bring. I found myself listing like a ship upon the rough sea. The storm bellowed around me, not knowing what my tomorrow would hold. After the death of my dear friend, I found myself even more at odds with my future, and after a few poor life choices, I found myself home. After several months back home, I ran into a military recruiter at Meijer grocery store. Re-apply he said. So, within a few weeks, that’s what I did. After walking into the recruiting office, the first place I found myself was the Air Force. I set up my date to go to MEPS, and while there I had a great day and night. I did decently well, but I was not happy with the possible job opportunities. I didn’t feel any of them where my calling. I did not want to be a police officer for the military, (at that time). So, when I got back to town, my recruiter didn’t meet me there. Frustrated, and upset, I marched right into the Army Recruiting office, and spoke to them. On the 15-minute drive home I had narrowed down the jobs I wanted. Within a day on the internet, I narrowed down to one, Cavalry Scout. I was determined to make this a reality in my life. I went back to MEPS, and having to write an essay why I felt I would make a good scout, and why i deserved it, I won my position. I would be a soldier, and a cavalry scout, reconnaissance and surveillance, counter intelligence on the battle field, and a shadow. 

I made it through training, with a few bumps and bruises. I traveled to S. Korea where I wanted my first duty station. Then I deployed to Iraq, which was a surprise to us all. A warfighter, a protector of those who couldn’t protect themselves. Everything I learned in basic training was put to the test on the battle field, the combat theater of Ar-Ramadi, Iraq. I was not doing advanced recon, instead, I was kicking in doors, doing raids, snatch and grabs, intel gathering, observation posts, and sniper/ambush missions, among other things. My dream was being fulfilled. I was a combat soldier, and I had a long future in the military, (if I survived deployment). Sadly, my knee didn’t survive deployment and my 20-year plan was shattered, along with the cartilage in my knee. That knee injury, and subsequent surgery would eventually get me medically discharged. Leaving me with the question, what did I want to be when I grew up. 

After years of searching, living abroad in Germany, being a cashier at the on base gas station, then working in retail again, I would eventually become a security officer. I worked extraordinarily hard at it, and would be given the security officer of the year award for both the district and state. The pinnacle of my successful career. Yet, a year later, I would be let go after having a major trauma in my life. The loyalty was gone, a thank you for saving the life of a student, would mean nothing, a year later. Losing everything in the divorce, I found myself once again asking, since my FBI career would be over before it ever began, what did I want to be when I grew up. 

I listed again, tossed upon the waves, uncertain of my future. I found myself finishing my degree, still working in security, doing good work, but not where I wanted to be. Security was coming to a close in my life as I just, didn’t want to do it anymore. But, i went to work as an assessment counselor at an assessment center for at risk juveniles. The job was hard, but I was struck down by a difficult supervisor, and then later, physically struck by a youth. I was seriously injured and I had decided after the injury’s recovery time, not to return, thus ending my working career. Medical retirement seemed to be my future. I was making enough on my disability; work was something I was doing because I wanted to help people. So, I suffered through the emotional abuse at work, until, the job ended in my serious injury from one of the kids. What would I do when I grew up. 

After a while, I begun getting connected to Wounded Warrior Project. The Odyssey program would lay the foundation to what would eventually have saved my life. The first brick laid on my path, and shortly after, I would go to Cape Cod on a Soldier Ride. During the event we had a nice dinner on a train. While having conversations with one of the other soldiers, we discussed my path. He was a chaplain in the military and during our conversation he made the remark, ‘Have you ever thought of going to school for ministry?’ I laughed and adamantly said no. He just smiled and said OKAY. He went on to explain there were lots of job in ministry, not just the pastor, after i said I didn’t want to be a pastor, and I knew God didn’t want me to be one either. It wasn’t long after that I began having conversations with a friend of mine, and I would have the next large step laid before me during a ‘Lamlighter’ event. God was speaking to me, I, at the time, wasn’t listening very well. 

Within 6 months I begun training with the associate pastor at my church, and by October of 2020 I would become an Ordained Reverend by a counsel of both pastors and deacons from my church and others in the area. I knew by that point that I wanted to help others, and to disciple, and minister to the niche groups, nerds and veterans. Since then, while my dream location has yet to come to pass, I continue to reach out to the veteran community and the nerd community to offer my support. I have also continued to grow both this outreach, the blog, and the YouTube channel in which I speak twice a week. Currently on the channel at the time of this writing, I am preaching/teaching through the book of John. I had no idea ministry was what God had planned for me. Even though I’m retired, and I do not get paid for what I do, I love what I am doing. I love preaching and teaching God’s word, and I love studying it. While I often wish the channel would get more attention, I know that those who read or watch my content, hopefully are being blessed by the word of God. I feel as long as I continue to preach and teach faithfully, the Lord will continue to protect, and bless me and my family. 

Finding what you are meant to do isn’t always easy. Using your gifts, and talents, and passions, God has given to you, for your work is vital to your overall happiness in life. Joy is found in the Lord, and through the selfless service we offer to God, we may find our place that God wants for us. I had never thought about being in ministry, except for the priest in my young life making a comment about it once, that he felt I was destined for ministry, even if it wasn’t being a priest. While my life is one of poverty, physical hardships, and sometimes lonely, I do have joy in the Lord. I may not always get what I want, but the Lord always provides what I need. In just the recent months the Lord’s presence has shown brightly. Having saved my life through multiple miracles, then providing enormous financial assistance, and being with me while I experienced immense spiritual warfare, God is truly the all-powerful, all knowing, all sovereign, all loving God. How could God save a wretch like me? How could God ordain me, a sinner, a fallen creature, grace. God always knew where He wanted me, I just ran from the calling He had for me. I couldn’t face the life He wanted for me, it wasn’t glamorous, it didn’t pay well (I’m still not getting paid), but the rewards are beyond comprehension. When you have joy because of what you do, and you know you are serving a very big God, you have what you need. God provides my needs, and sometimes my wants, rewarding me for my service. I do not do this for what I’ve been given. This is by no means a prosperity gospel, because if the Lord were to take it all away today, I’d still preach because of what He’s done for me. He saved me, and that’s all there is. Going from a dead man in my wretched sins, to saved, to living, to now being headed for a very real heaven, a place I do not deserve to go, and a place I can’t work to get into, is something I could never deserve. What I deserve is Hell. I deserve to go to a very real Hell, because of my sins. I have committed cosmic treason, breaking the commandments set forth for us. I could never wash off that mud myself, but the blood of a Holy Jesus Christ, could. When those who set foot before God, before Jesus say, look what we did for you, and He replies be gone with you, the motive of why you were doing such things is laid bare for all of Heaven to see. We would never deserve Heaven, and therefore it’s not about what we did, but rather, “I am not worthy to be here oh Holy one.” “I am a sinner, and I deserve death.” Acknowledging our sins, and asking for mercy and forgiveness is all we should say. Jesus is King, He is the Lord of Lords, and we must believe, repent, and obey His commands. I want to be a good Christian when I grow up. I want to put a smile upon God’s face, and know that I am doing what the Lord wants of me. It was a long road to get here, but I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in my teenage years. My father died early in life, he was in his 40’s. I never knew him, and I wish he could see the man his son turned out to be. I wish I knew if my father would have been proud of me, proud of the man I became. Sadly, I will never know, and finding anyone who knew him has been hard. I don’t know what it’s like to have someone be proud of me, to hear it growing up was not part of my life. I only hope, that where I am right now, and what I’m doing right now, my Lord, Jesus Christ is proud of me. Am I serving well? Am I sharing the truth as He would want me too? My ABBA Father, I just hope I am doing what my Lord requires of me. I want my father to be proud of me when I grow up. I want to serve my Lord God when I grow up. I want to continue to be a vocal Christian when I grow up.

For more content follow:

The Arrow Preacher Youtube

https://youtube.com/@thearrowpreacher6920?si=wvVC80iHWsSSkRY1