Tag: trauma

Be The Lion

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Be The Lion:

It took me a long time to be able to find my faith, the faith that Jesus called and calls us too. While in truth, I have to be honest, the last several months have been in some ways, the hardest I’ve experienced in my life. 10 months ago (from the writing of this publication) I had open heart, aorta reconstructive surgery. My aorta was replaced from the root, to the stem, to include the valve, which is now artificial. The recovery time has been long, and difficult is not a strong enough word to describe the challenges I’ve faced. The physical recovery has only been a small portion of the recuperation. Mental health has always been an uphill battle for me. When I joined the military, I was told up front by many who knew me best, that I would fail. When I was a couple months into my training, I caught MRSA. It nearly killed me because of how quick it spread. I swore I wasn’t going to let that be the end of me, and I fought. Unfortunately, I missed vital training, and was recycled one rotation. I pushed myself, and after a long 25k ruck, hurting, my ruck cutting off the circulation in my left arm, I turned the corner, and there it was, freedom. I had accomplished what many thought I couldn’t. Not only would I graduate but I’d do so with my head held high and achieve what many could not. I would perform my duties well, and with honor and distinction till a training accident caused my career to end prematurely. I ended my career voluntarily and on my own terms, with the hand I was dealt, but not before a successful posting in Korea, a deployment to Iraq, and continued service in Colorado. With everything I’ve gone through and been handed to me, the undeniable truth remains, God is GOOD. 

         Faith is built on the trust of who Jesus is. The truth that He Himself claimed, that He is “The Way The Truth and The Life, and No One Gets To the Father Except Through Him.” The linchpin of Christianity is just that, was Jesus who he claimed to be? The answer, in emphatically yes. This is what gives a Christian his strength. The Lord chose his soldiers before the foundations of the earth. Jesus told us that we would face trials in this life, but to take heart that He overcame the world. We do not store up treasures in this life, but in Heaven. We face these trails as Job faced his. On our knees, in prayer to the Lord of all creation. Does this mean in this life we do not despair, or weep? No. Jesus wept (John 11:35) for the sin that befell upon the perfection of creation. The untold sorrow of sin over our lives, and the destruction that sin brings to the lives of those of us still alive in the realm of time. We cannot let fear dictate terms, when we are told we were given a spirit of courage, not fear (2 Tim 1:7)

         Feelings of despair come to all who walk this world. Struggle is the life of a soldier. No matter how hard we fight, we will always face the bitter truth, life is full of heartache, disappointment, and pain. Why would God allow such things? God is not the author of evil, pride, and sin, is the author of evil. Satan, began his rebellion, believing the created was more powerful than the creator. The lie that fell to Eve was the same, “you can be like God.” Eve, seemingly without hesitation took of the fruit, then gave it to Adam. Their eyes opened, and they knew of evil. Who is the enemy? The enemy is crafty, and has been described as a great many things. A lion waiting to devour you. The father of lies. The accuser.  The great deceiver. The Dragon. This is our adversary, whom we are called to battle against. The enemy spreads lie after lie, and tries to convince us things we are not. Things like, worthless, failure, broken, you’re alone, you’re not good enough. We wage war against an enemy we cannot see. Having been a soldier in combat, I understand all too well the deceptive nature of the enemy. In Iraq we rarely saw our enemy. They hid in the shadows, using deception, and cover to attack, and detonate explosives without ever being seen. How can someone fight what they can’t see? We are called to resist Satan, and only because of the blood of Christ do we stand a chance to be able to hold our ground in the face of overwhelming odds. Satan when he fell, he took a third of the angels with him (Rev 12:4). Our enemy is trained in the art of deception and lies, perfect beings corrupted by pride and sin. An invisible enemy bent on destroying the creation of God. The Armor of God shrouds us, equips us for battle (Eph 6:10-18). What the armor doesn’t do is prepare us. For that, we need the word of God, and the word of God being the sword, does nothing if we don’t use it, learn from it, and grow closer to the God that wrote it. We cannot fight an enemy we don’t understand. We cannot fight an enemy that knows the word of God better than we do. Our enemy has been in the presence of God, and knows us perhaps better than we know ourselves. While he cannot implant thoughts, he can whisper in our ears. Satan can bring untold horrors down upon our lives, and feed us the lie that it’s God that hates us, God that brings these horrors and tragedies into our lives. Satan tells us that God is the author of all our troubles. I have stated and written before that if we do not train our minds, and our souls for battle, the Devil will increase that advantage over us, and win the day. We must realize one thing, scripture and the Holy Spirit on our side are force multipliers that gives us all what we need to win the day. We do not actually fight Satan, but rather resist his attacks. We dig in, the armor covering our mind, our heart, girded for battle, the sandals dug into the dirt, shield protecting us from the flaming arrows from the enemy, and the Sword of God’s Holy Word raised high, unleashing a battle cry heard in the Heavens, “Jesus Is KING”. The undeniable fact is this, if Jesus is the Lion of Judah, and we are little Christ, then there’s a lion within us as well. We must learn to harness the power within us, and dig deep, and face tomorrow with courage and dignity. 

         God has shown us what He will do to fight for His chosen people. In story after story in scripture we see God’s people overcoming incredible odds and emerging victorious. Moses fleeing through the Red Sea. Gideon fought for God. David took down Goliath with a sling and a stone. There is a lion within us waiting to be awoken. I have struggled for a while, believing I was anything more than garbage, a waist of space. I have questioned why God would save my life in such an obvious way; a miracle multiplied. My story of survival holds too many coincidences to be coincidence. In 2016 God spoke to me while I was bleeding out in the back of an ambulance. While in a pitch black void, I said “God I’m sorry!” In reply God said “You’re forgiven” and I snapped awake in the ambulance, where I was believed to give give up the ghost any minute. Instead, God breathed life into me, sending a shock wave through my body. Note: I had not coded and thus what I experienced was not the defibrillator. Early 2024, I found out I had a hernia, somewhere around March. By July, on the last day of VBS (Vacation Bible School), one of the youths of the church challenged me to a race. God, it seems, removed every ounce of caution and I raced the kid. Aside from the pride of winning the race, it came at a cost. The next day I couldn’t walk, as one of the two hernias bulged. This sent me to surgery in October, and the day after that surgery I was back in the hospital from the Gas migrating to my shoulder. A CT was called for, and while it was confirmed Gas was indeed the culprit, a time bomb was found, ticking away. My aorta was ready to explode. A birth defect left me at the mercy of time, and my aorta was well beyond the limit for surgery. I had emergency surgery, which led to heart block, which led to the pacemaker. Months of setbacks, and therapy, have left me with scars both physical and emotional. I have scars deep into my soul and the Devil has used every dirty tactic and trick in the book to continue his assault on me. I have spoken recently how I have wondered if my choosing the heart surgery was indeed the correct course of action. I have wondered if it would have been better for me to let time run out whenever the clock hit zero, I’d go home. The devil has used so much of my past to convince me I am not worth anything. I have questioned and wondered if the pain I’ve been feeling since surgery has been putting myself through an untold number of years left on my timer, an unnecessary amount of trouble I brought upon myself. The devil has convinced me that it isn’t worth it, that I should have lived out the rest of my days, and gone home. The devil got me to forget one of my favorite quotes of unknown origins, “My hope is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.” (The internet says C.S. Lewis said this, but that is unconfirmed.) The trusting of God’s plan is where I have to hold my ground. The last thing I want to be is a sheep being led to the slaughter. How can I protect my family if I can’t protect myself? God does nothing by accident, and while I don’t know why God has spared my life over the years, I know one thing, God has a purpose. I don’t expect the world around me to become fairy tales and unicorns. I expect the battle to continue to rage on. There must be peace of mind, and I must have my head in the game if I am going to continue to be a gears up, high speed, locked and loaded, and good to go as a soldier for the Lord. 

         A lion is what I must be. I have to keep my head on a swivel, and trust that no matter where the Lord sends me, or the mission ahead of me, He prepares my hands for battle. Scripture gives us this, 2 Timothy 2:3-4 “3 Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.” We are citizens of Heaven, ambassadors, soldiers on foreign territory. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, 4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. 5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” Our fight, summed up in a single verse. Our adversary seeks to destroy us, to pull us away from our Heavenly Father. Satan seeks to divide us from our brothers and sisters in Christ, and it’s this reason we must once again turn to scripture. 1 Peter 1:13 13 “Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” As a soldier we train as we fight. We train by repetition, getting better with each passing day. As a soldier we train to be proficient with many weapons, the M4, knives, machine guns, heavy weapons and vehicle’s, radios, and more. We do this by hours and days of practice and training. Likewise, we must be in scripture daily. We must not just read scripture, but study it, and become proficient with the Word of God. We must train our minds in this war against Satan, the same way we soldiers train in the military. In the military we have a saying that sheep dogs protect the flock. We soldiers for Christ must be the sheep dogs. Lions are apex predators, top of the food chain, we too must realize, while we are not lions by ourselves, our Lord and Savior is the creator of the food chain. Our battles must be fought with the remembrance that the blood of Christ signifies a violent death. A death that Jesus laid down his life so He may give His life, to raise it up again, and the greatest of all miracles, to save us, to turn our dead hearts into alive beating hearts for the Lord. While we are here fighting this fight, for the short time in this plain of existence, we must remember that if “God is for us, who then can be against us?” (Rom 8:31) The Lion of Judah is on our side in this fight, we have nothing to fear. The roll of a soldier is to fight for the one that sends you. While I’m not saying the fight is easy, nor am I saying I have it all together, the fight is the most important thing we’ll ever do after we give our lives to Christ. 

         Depression has gripped me hard over the last several months. With my service dog in her last days, the isolation, the physical pains I’ve endured, have all left me wondering how long till I am out of the valley, and I am laying near a peaceful stream. I cannot say what God’s plan is for me, nor can I say what God’s plan is for you, but I know that we cannot gain one single moment in our life by worrying about it. We cannot worry for tomorrow, for it will worry for itself (Matt 6:34). Our life is but a vapor, here one moment and gone the next (James 4:14) and it’s our duty to use the time we have wisely. We fight the good fight, for the men and women, the children that do not know Christ. We fight for those whom we fight alongside. We face the demons in the dark, and we light up the darkness by spreading the light of Christ. We will run the race with endurance (Heb 12:1), and we will dig in and hold the line when things get hard. I know what it’s like to feel the waves crash around you. I know what it likes to hurt and be hurt by people I loved. I know what it’s like to experience the horrors of war, and it’s because of these, that I believe I see the world a little different. We must be the warriors Christ called you to be. Be the lion, the apex predator that stands its ground, and protects the pride. My struggles recently have beaten me to the ground, and while I feel broken, and bloody, and in some ways, I am broken and bloody, Jesus, I know will continue to use me. In other ways I have not a single clue what it could be, but I know that I have to trust in the Lord, even if I don’t know what He’s doing. I hurt, and my losses in the last year, to include the recent death of my brother have left me broken hearted, and beaten to the ground. If my life does not return like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I know that while we may suffer but a little while, Heaven is eternal. We were given a promise that heaven would remove the tears, remove the pain, and in reality, to quote a famous song “The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you” (Scars in heaven : Casting Crowns). We must remain strong in the midst of battle, never quit, and never surrender. I am trying my hardest to live my life in a manner pleasing the King. Recent events have broken me down and backed me into a corner. The writing of this post is more for myself, reminding myself that Jesus is Lord, Jesus is the commander and chief over the Host of Angels, and we play a part in this war as soldiers, ambassadors, evangelists, and more. Whenever the Lord calls me home, I am ready. When the Lord calls me home, I pray I hear “Well done, my good and faithful son.” I’ve lived my life seeking the favor of the Lord, and I can only hope I’ve done well, not that we are saved by works, merely that my service pleased the Lord. Time is short, and we never know when we may lose a loved one, but while losing a loved one is tragic; we must not lose ourselves in the process. We must fight the same way we give our lives to the Lord, with all our heart, mind, and soul. Seek first the kingdom of God (Mt 6:33), and no matter what we eat or drink, do all things for the glory of the Lord. (1 Cor 10:31) Go in peace, go in love, this is the way. 

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WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? 

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WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? 

Growing up I wanted to be nothing but a soldier. In fact, I wanted to be a fighter pilot, but early in my life I found myself pushing to be a soldier. The day before I graduated from high school I received a letter from the Marine Corps, denying my entry to the Corps. The following day I went to graduation not knowing what my future would bring. I found myself listing like a ship upon the rough sea. The storm bellowed around me, not knowing what my tomorrow would hold. After the death of my dear friend, I found myself even more at odds with my future, and after a few poor life choices, I found myself home. After several months back home, I ran into a military recruiter at Meijer grocery store. Re-apply he said. So, within a few weeks, that’s what I did. After walking into the recruiting office, the first place I found myself was the Air Force. I set up my date to go to MEPS, and while there I had a great day and night. I did decently well, but I was not happy with the possible job opportunities. I didn’t feel any of them where my calling. I did not want to be a police officer for the military, (at that time). So, when I got back to town, my recruiter didn’t meet me there. Frustrated, and upset, I marched right into the Army Recruiting office, and spoke to them. On the 15-minute drive home I had narrowed down the jobs I wanted. Within a day on the internet, I narrowed down to one, Cavalry Scout. I was determined to make this a reality in my life. I went back to MEPS, and having to write an essay why I felt I would make a good scout, and why i deserved it, I won my position. I would be a soldier, and a cavalry scout, reconnaissance and surveillance, counter intelligence on the battle field, and a shadow. 

I made it through training, with a few bumps and bruises. I traveled to S. Korea where I wanted my first duty station. Then I deployed to Iraq, which was a surprise to us all. A warfighter, a protector of those who couldn’t protect themselves. Everything I learned in basic training was put to the test on the battle field, the combat theater of Ar-Ramadi, Iraq. I was not doing advanced recon, instead, I was kicking in doors, doing raids, snatch and grabs, intel gathering, observation posts, and sniper/ambush missions, among other things. My dream was being fulfilled. I was a combat soldier, and I had a long future in the military, (if I survived deployment). Sadly, my knee didn’t survive deployment and my 20-year plan was shattered, along with the cartilage in my knee. That knee injury, and subsequent surgery would eventually get me medically discharged. Leaving me with the question, what did I want to be when I grew up. 

After years of searching, living abroad in Germany, being a cashier at the on base gas station, then working in retail again, I would eventually become a security officer. I worked extraordinarily hard at it, and would be given the security officer of the year award for both the district and state. The pinnacle of my successful career. Yet, a year later, I would be let go after having a major trauma in my life. The loyalty was gone, a thank you for saving the life of a student, would mean nothing, a year later. Losing everything in the divorce, I found myself once again asking, since my FBI career would be over before it ever began, what did I want to be when I grew up. 

I listed again, tossed upon the waves, uncertain of my future. I found myself finishing my degree, still working in security, doing good work, but not where I wanted to be. Security was coming to a close in my life as I just, didn’t want to do it anymore. But, i went to work as an assessment counselor at an assessment center for at risk juveniles. The job was hard, but I was struck down by a difficult supervisor, and then later, physically struck by a youth. I was seriously injured and I had decided after the injury’s recovery time, not to return, thus ending my working career. Medical retirement seemed to be my future. I was making enough on my disability; work was something I was doing because I wanted to help people. So, I suffered through the emotional abuse at work, until, the job ended in my serious injury from one of the kids. What would I do when I grew up. 

After a while, I begun getting connected to Wounded Warrior Project. The Odyssey program would lay the foundation to what would eventually have saved my life. The first brick laid on my path, and shortly after, I would go to Cape Cod on a Soldier Ride. During the event we had a nice dinner on a train. While having conversations with one of the other soldiers, we discussed my path. He was a chaplain in the military and during our conversation he made the remark, ‘Have you ever thought of going to school for ministry?’ I laughed and adamantly said no. He just smiled and said OKAY. He went on to explain there were lots of job in ministry, not just the pastor, after i said I didn’t want to be a pastor, and I knew God didn’t want me to be one either. It wasn’t long after that I began having conversations with a friend of mine, and I would have the next large step laid before me during a ‘Lamlighter’ event. God was speaking to me, I, at the time, wasn’t listening very well. 

Within 6 months I begun training with the associate pastor at my church, and by October of 2020 I would become an Ordained Reverend by a counsel of both pastors and deacons from my church and others in the area. I knew by that point that I wanted to help others, and to disciple, and minister to the niche groups, nerds and veterans. Since then, while my dream location has yet to come to pass, I continue to reach out to the veteran community and the nerd community to offer my support. I have also continued to grow both this outreach, the blog, and the YouTube channel in which I speak twice a week. Currently on the channel at the time of this writing, I am preaching/teaching through the book of John. I had no idea ministry was what God had planned for me. Even though I’m retired, and I do not get paid for what I do, I love what I am doing. I love preaching and teaching God’s word, and I love studying it. While I often wish the channel would get more attention, I know that those who read or watch my content, hopefully are being blessed by the word of God. I feel as long as I continue to preach and teach faithfully, the Lord will continue to protect, and bless me and my family. 

Finding what you are meant to do isn’t always easy. Using your gifts, and talents, and passions, God has given to you, for your work is vital to your overall happiness in life. Joy is found in the Lord, and through the selfless service we offer to God, we may find our place that God wants for us. I had never thought about being in ministry, except for the priest in my young life making a comment about it once, that he felt I was destined for ministry, even if it wasn’t being a priest. While my life is one of poverty, physical hardships, and sometimes lonely, I do have joy in the Lord. I may not always get what I want, but the Lord always provides what I need. In just the recent months the Lord’s presence has shown brightly. Having saved my life through multiple miracles, then providing enormous financial assistance, and being with me while I experienced immense spiritual warfare, God is truly the all-powerful, all knowing, all sovereign, all loving God. How could God save a wretch like me? How could God ordain me, a sinner, a fallen creature, grace. God always knew where He wanted me, I just ran from the calling He had for me. I couldn’t face the life He wanted for me, it wasn’t glamorous, it didn’t pay well (I’m still not getting paid), but the rewards are beyond comprehension. When you have joy because of what you do, and you know you are serving a very big God, you have what you need. God provides my needs, and sometimes my wants, rewarding me for my service. I do not do this for what I’ve been given. This is by no means a prosperity gospel, because if the Lord were to take it all away today, I’d still preach because of what He’s done for me. He saved me, and that’s all there is. Going from a dead man in my wretched sins, to saved, to living, to now being headed for a very real heaven, a place I do not deserve to go, and a place I can’t work to get into, is something I could never deserve. What I deserve is Hell. I deserve to go to a very real Hell, because of my sins. I have committed cosmic treason, breaking the commandments set forth for us. I could never wash off that mud myself, but the blood of a Holy Jesus Christ, could. When those who set foot before God, before Jesus say, look what we did for you, and He replies be gone with you, the motive of why you were doing such things is laid bare for all of Heaven to see. We would never deserve Heaven, and therefore it’s not about what we did, but rather, “I am not worthy to be here oh Holy one.” “I am a sinner, and I deserve death.” Acknowledging our sins, and asking for mercy and forgiveness is all we should say. Jesus is King, He is the Lord of Lords, and we must believe, repent, and obey His commands. I want to be a good Christian when I grow up. I want to put a smile upon God’s face, and know that I am doing what the Lord wants of me. It was a long road to get here, but I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in my teenage years. My father died early in life, he was in his 40’s. I never knew him, and I wish he could see the man his son turned out to be. I wish I knew if my father would have been proud of me, proud of the man I became. Sadly, I will never know, and finding anyone who knew him has been hard. I don’t know what it’s like to have someone be proud of me, to hear it growing up was not part of my life. I only hope, that where I am right now, and what I’m doing right now, my Lord, Jesus Christ is proud of me. Am I serving well? Am I sharing the truth as He would want me too? My ABBA Father, I just hope I am doing what my Lord requires of me. I want my father to be proud of me when I grow up. I want to serve my Lord God when I grow up. I want to continue to be a vocal Christian when I grow up.

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Ashes to Ashes

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Ashes to Ashes

We often don’t think much about the draw of time on our bodies, or about time itself. I’ve been taking some time to think about what it was God said to Adam in the Garden of Eden just prior to his exile: 

By the sweat of your face

You will eat bread,

Till you return to the ground,

Because from it you were taken;

For you are dust,

And to dust you shall return.”

— Genesis 3:19

You must work, and work hard all the days of your life. You will eat the product of your work till your days end. This is the curse on which the human race is forced to live. Our lives are bound to the linear decay, a beginning, and an end of time. We face tomorrow with optimism, even though we have seen the perpetual onslaught of unanticipated trials and tribulations. While some people may plan for the future to have some struggles, it’s the reality that life will throw untold amount of struggles our way that we will never truly be able to plan for, or avoid. How do we handle life’s day to day struggles? We must face our lives with dignity and strength. How though is this done? When our struggle is the nature of time itself, we must understand our lives are truly only in the present. 

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, that it would worry for itself. Our lives are the moments in which we live. Sure, we can plan for tomorrow, but it’s the here and now, we must truly focus on. The little muscle in your mouth, what is said, how does it make others feel? What kinds of hurt does the tongue cause, and the damage does it do once those words are sent into the air. We cannot undo, nor can we live in the past. We often get stuck in a moment in time of the past. When I was a younger man, I experienced trauma, after trauma, after trauma, and in my own way, unbeknownst to those around me, I too remained trapped in moments of time. As a child, I learned how to use compartmentalization for every incident I faced. In a moment of weakness, a total loss of control, I faced my own mortality. A moment in time, when for a second, time seemed to stop. In that moment, the culmination of my failures tumbled down like castles built on sand, drowning in a tidal wave of regret, disappointment, and pictures of the trauma running through my mind. My world fell apart in a moment in time. But, since then, small moments have built upon one, and then another, and eventually life changed, and we rest upon today, this very moment where I am typing one word after another. I have survived trauma, after trauma, and several life changing events. I have overcome some pretty big obstacles as I have faced death head on, and God pulled me through, not myself. I do not have the power to beat death, but God has the power, that in me, He overcame the death of a soul, and as far as my physical body, God has seen fit to bring me through the brink of death, now many times over. A few weeks ago, my heart stopped as I lay in bed, aware the pacemaker would stop, and aware the inevitable outcome would likely be my heart stopping, and I would feel it slow, the world around me would fade, and black would surround me. The brink of death was upon me, and I had no control over it. When the time comes in our lives, the end of that verse will play out, from dust we came, from dust we shall return. God knows the date each of us will be conceived, and He knows the date we will draw our final breath. It’s this knowledge we must face the truth, there are only two things that truly matter in this life, our faith in Christ, and the people in our lives. 

On a regular basis we neglect the people in our lives by the things we say, the things we do, or more aptly, the things we don’t do. In reality, do we love others the way we should? Do we show that love to the people we care about? Do we show up when they need us the most? How do we spend our days, and what do we spend our days doing? What is it we focus on? What is it we put our time and effort into? These things often not only take our gaze off of our so called loved ones, but our Lord also. We have so little precious time with our loved ones, and yet we are derelict in our affections. Not only do we have sin in our lives against a Holy God, that sin goes out against those in our lives. Is the idol in our lives appointments? Is the idol in our lives, sports, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, or something else? We often fill our lives with stuff, and it’s that stuff that takes our focus from God, and the people in our lives. We let these many distractions of the world remove us from the lives of the people we once cared for. Days turn to weeks, turn to years, and we’ve all of a sudden lost track of people we once loved. The years creep in between, and before you know it, a car accident, an illness, something makes all the stuff we filled our lives with seem worthless and meaningless. How did we let so much time go by before we reached out? How did we let so much time go by before we told that person how we felt? How do we let that much time go by without talking to God? Time is not an ally, it’s an enemy. We can neither reason with it, or do anything to buy more of it. When time is up, it’s up. What did we do with the time that was given to us? Did we use it wisely, or did we waist it? Did we use the time God gave to us to glorify Him, and to share His gospel, to grow the kingdom? If we are evaluated on our time management, how well do we score? When sharing the love of Christ is the card in which we are judged. 

This is not a new perspective of mine, but rather one that has presented itself to me multiple times in my life. Having so many near death experiences tends to do that to a person. The difference now, rather than in my past, is in my past, I was the victim of hardships, rather than the survivor of hardships. My surviving, is not of my own doing, but the will of God. The will of God in my life is that He be glorified in my trials. Much like Steven, or Paul, Joseph, or Moses, praising God in the storm is how they got through it. Today, in this time, many people only praise God when life is good, but the moment something takes away that good feeling, God becomes the enemy. The reality is, we face a very real enemy in our lives, and it isn’t God. We are in a battle, just one we cannot see. All around us there’s a battle for our souls, and our lives. Demons roam this world sewing chaos, deception, and dissension among the mortal men. Angels go around nurturing those in need, bringing peace, and comfort, wisdom, and guidance. The war for our souls is won in Jesus Christ, because the end of time is already written, but today, here and now, we are still in the battle. Do we stand ready to fight in the here and now, or do we allow the world to dictate terms? Do we fight for what God told us to do, by loving one another thus fulfilling the Law? We are to love, and love takes effort. Love takes nurturing a baby fire, or a raging fire, but always tending to its needs. If the fire is left unattended, just like my fireplace, the fire will go out. Love takes action, and when we love the people in our lives, it takes action to show them love. How do we show up for them? Is it a text, or a call, a visit, or a card in the mail? With today’s technology, we have never been able to reach out to someone more easily to keep in touch, yet we have never been more distant from one another. Our own brilliance has been used as a tool by the Devil to separate us. Sadly, it worked. 

If heart surgery has taught me nothing else, it’s to cherish every moment. I myself am not afraid to die, in fact, in many ways, I long for it. That is not me wishing it would come today, but knowing what my tomorrow brings is something I long for. To have a glorified body, without the pain, without the tears, or the suffering of this world, but to live in paradise with the creator of the universe. The problem with death for a believer, is the hardships your absence brings to those who loved you and those you love. Sadly, I have seen it too often where the death of a friend is the catalyst that brings people together. It’s death that brings friends and family together who haven’t seen one another in years, who haven’t talked in that time. Death reminds us for a fleeting moment, that we haven’t talked in forever. Yet, in our day to day, we do nothing to change it. My wish for you is to look at your life and seek after those whom you love. Do not take time for granted because it isn’t your friend. Time slows, nor stops for anyone, and it bends it’s will to only our creator. What are you doing with the time given to you? One day we will return to the dust in which we were created. We cannot fight our expiration date. We may be able to extend life, or even push death back a little, but even those things are predestined by a Holy God. My open-heart surgery did not take God by surprise, and it is not lost on me that given this happened 30 years ago, I would likely have died. I was predestined to experience everything over the last few weeks, and how I handled them, do my actions highlight Christ, yes, or no? This is the biggest question I must answer for. Am I showing, and sharing love? Are people my focus, or is it other things? All these things I will answer for, along with my sins upon the day of judgment. Today is not the day I die, but perhaps, it’s the day I die to myself. Scripture tells us to die to one’s self, pick up thine cross and follow Christ. Carry that cross for all the world to see. Let the world know that you die to yourself, allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell inside you. Bringing your soul to life from the dead man/woman, you were. Being born again, and realizing the true bondage is that of sin, and that through sin, the world has a hold on you. The world tells you a load of lies, and we live according to them. What it means to be successful, to be beautiful, to be liked, or respected, but the biblical replies do not match with that of the world. Following Christ means we live different, we look different, we act different, we become different then the world. Our priorities change, and with that change, our relationships begin to change. Let us never forget why we are to love, and let us never forget what it means to love. Love is to lay down ones life for a friend. Love is to love like Christ loved and died for the church. Love is to be patient and kind, never jealous, never bragging or being arrogant. It never acts unbecomingly, and does not seek to lift up ones self, but lifting up others. It is not provoking, nor is it provoked. It does not keep track of the wrongs done, but washes away the wrong as our sins are washed away as if the slate was made new. Love, loves and rejoices in the truth, as it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Do we truly have the guile to say we love others like this? Many cannot say they truly love their own spouses like this. Yet, this is what we are called to do. This is how scripture defines love. This is the love we are called to love one another and our enemies, yet the smallest argument ends friendships. We face an enemy that is crafty like no other, and he wants to destroy you, to break you, to separate you, and ultimately, to devour your spirit, separating you from God. Satan uses time as his ally, and a weapon against humanity. While he cannot control time and space, he can entice us to forsake friends and family, and ignore our responsibilities. Sadly, we allow this to happen time and time again. 

I hope you read this and you find the time for old friends, and existing ones. I hope you find the time for your family, your spouse, your kids, but most importantly, that you find the time for God. My prayer is that you will seek God daily, and you give God the time He deserves. I pray you let go of worldly things that do little for your life, but does a lot to pull you away from important things. I’m not saying it isn’t okay to have hobbies like bowling, or fishing, hunting, or other things, but use those things to grow your relationships, or use those things to grow closer to God. While you’re fishing do you talk with God? While your bowling, do you share Jesus with your team, or the team next to you? While your kids are at soccer, do you let Jesus flow from your behavior? Let us use the time we have better. Let us continue to seek Jesus, and then share Jesus. Let us love others like we are truly called to love one another. Let us remember who the true enemy is, and focus on preparing for battle, because make no mistake, the next battle is right around the corner. Those who do not prepare, will be unequipped to handle it. We must be ready to fight, to hold fast, and know the word, so when the temptation comes, you can be ready with the word of God. Whole Armor of God, a soldier ready for the battle and never out of the fight. We fight till the day the Lord calls us home. Till that day comes, may God bless you, and may the Holy Spirit fill you, and let your cup fillith over.  

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20 Years 

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20 Years 

We were taking fire, and we were cut off from any support, we two trucks were alone, against the city. Any notion I had of being there to make a difference disappeared in an instant. When the bullet ricocheted off my door next to my head, I knew we were in trouble. That was the first miracle. There would be many more miracles to come. The RPG wouldn’t get fired, because of a well aimed .50 cal volley. The IED’s wouldn’t breach the cab. The second, third, and fourth RPG wouldn’t make direct contact with the truck. Neither gunner would be hit. The truck which tried to block our way would be an annoyance more than a hinderance, and both in the truck would meet Jesus that day. Along with the truck driver, and his friend, more would meet Jesus that day, by our hands. The gunner on my truck would have to abandon clearing the jam on the Mk-19 and use him M-16. Nearly going black on ammo, he never stopped returning fire with his small rifle. The final miracle would be my truck, which had lost all its fluids except gas. When I removed my foot from the pedal the truck died and wouldn’t start for nearly 6 weeks. There was so much damage to the engine from bullets it would take weeks to repair. 

         It’s an odd thing surviving such a well laid out trap. We walked right into it, and yet, we survived and many of them did not. While direct contact like that would be rare for our platoon, it was something I wouldn’t easily forget. I would also not forget the feeling I had during the attack. The bullet hit my door and both hands flung to the wheel. A calm rested upon me, and as chaos erupted inside the cab, I was at ease. Screaming, and bullets flying, along with explosions, and that young 20-year-old was not phased, not till the truck died and we were back with the other trucks. Once the truck died that’s when the peace I felt went away revealing the terrified, and very shook, kid. Was that the Holy Spirit resting upon me? I believe now, it was. I believe God sent a circle of protection around us, and saw us out to safety. Nothing else explains how we survived. When the insurgent had us dead to right and yet the gunner in the truck ahead of us made an impossible shot. Or the RPG that somehow flew just overhead, but close enough to sever the antenna of the truck in front of us. Or the other RPG that just barely missed either truck, but close enough to explode taking out my front right tire. How were they unable to stop either vehicle even when they blocked the path with a pickup truck. God was with us, protecting us. 

While I am aware that this following verse is for Israel, not for a small scout unit, I believe in my heart, this is what we experienced.

Deuteronomy 20:1-4 20 “When you go out to battle against your enemies and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt, is with you. 2 When you are approaching the battle, the priest shall come near and speak to the people. 3 He shall say to them, ‘Hear, O Israel, you are approaching the battle against your enemies today. Do not be fainthearted. Do not be afraid, or panic, or tremble before them, 4 for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.’

I cannot say what our odds were of survival, but it was not in our favor. And other than modern technology of our armored trucks, we still had little odds of both trucks making it out that day. What are the odds that not one of us would get hurt, not even the gunners? No, I say the Lord was with us, and his protection rested upon us, his Spirit guided me and kept me calm. We were not just lucky, we were blessed. 

2 Corinthians 10:3-4 3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, 4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.

I march in the battle with the sword raised high. I’m still a soldier today, fighting a new enemy. The fight, the war for not our lives, but our souls. I’m a soldier, ready to deploy, all of my enemies, they tremble at the name of my general. I fought for the Red, White, and the Blue, and nearly died there. I lost part of myself in the hot desert, but the Lord of all found me broken and pieced me back together for a greater purpose. I fight for Him, I fight for a purpose greater than any on this earth. I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. I fight for those who don’t know him, that they may have a chance. I fight and if necessary pay the ultimate price, to share one name, one single name above all names, my Lord, my Savior, Jesus Christ. If you knew him, you’d understand. See, He, the Lord of all, paid the ultimate price for you and me. Jesus laid down his life so we would know he was and is Lord. 

Fallen Soldiers, we stand on your shoulders. How many have died for us to know the name of Christ today. How many have died to have the Bible in English. The church is built on the blood of others. Starting first with Christ and his Apostles, and thousands of others. Even now brothers and sisters in Nigeria are shedding their blood for their faith. We must stand together, and stand tall, ready yourselves, and may we continue to sing praises for our savior. Let us lift up the name of Jesus so the darkness itself cries out in fear. 

It’s been twenty years since I saw evil face to face on the battlefield. But for me the battle isn’t over. My enemy is both the same and different, as it is against the father of lies, and his myriad of demons. While the projectiles that come my way are no longer bullets, bombs, or rockets, I am still under constant spiritual attack. While I survived the battle, only to come home to a foreign place. I recall it took me six months to find a job, and to do that I was forced to rely on a temp agency. The only work I could find was very difficult manual labor. It wasn’t even skilled work. In the years that followed, it seemed the best I had to offer was not worth much. 

One afternoon working my post I was flagged down by some students at the university I worked at. A student was going into anaphylactic shock. He ingested a cookie with something he was allergic too. I took off running down the hall as fast as I could to my bag. I grabbed my epinephrin pen and ran back, to quickly administer the life saving injection. Not long after the paramedics arrived and took over. In less than six months I had been given officer of the year for the district, which covered thousands of officers. I worked for the company for six years, but in my time of need, I was let go, forgotten like yesterday’s trash. Is that all I was, all that time? Just a body filling a space? Over the next couple years I would move into a more skilled position. Sadly, that position, although I loved it, would be marred by conflict. Eventually I would be injured on the job and during my recovery I would not hear from the company at all. All the talk about being a family, the company being more than a job, and yet once I was injured, that family was nowhere to be seen. Again, is that all I was, just a warm body filling a vacant position? 

Truth be told, in recent years I have struggled with the concept of relevance. While I don’t strictly have an answer for this, I am doing my best, to do my best. It hasn’t been an easy few years. Going from working to early medical retirement. As my body degrades and the cost of doing just about anything becomes more costly, I find it difficult to navigate the slew of emotions that are left behind. My desire to serve remains, but it seems the use for what I have to offer is lacking. Being retired is fun, being retired with no money is just boring. I have dreams and things I’d like to do, but the reality is without funds, most of it doesn’t get done. I have things I’d like to do, but ultimately it comes to this, what does God want me to do? In 2016, God spared my life, and saved me. Now, I’m living my life, trying to serve Him, and do the best I can. I keep searching for some grand plan He has for me, but now eight years later, I still don’t know His plan. While, I am waiting to hear from God on what my purpose is, I continue to write, and teach from behind this keyboard. I continue to bring the word to anyone who would listen from my podcast. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCV3r024gS2FRDIbpqnsDwWA

Living with chronic pain is not an easy journey. Often confused with pain from old age, this is not that. As I said, it’s been 20 years. It surprises me what we were willing to put our bodies through in the service of our country. I served in a time when patriotism was still high from the 9/11 attacks. I wouldn’t trade my service for anything though. Do I pay for it now? Sure I do, my body often struggles with just basic tasks, and seeing as if I’m only 40 years old, it’s a challenge. Life isn’t an easy road, and when you add in the life of a Christian, it adds significant challenge. We must face the reality of where we find ourselves, and not get stuck. While I don’t know what God wants from me, nor where am I intended to be, all I can do is serve the best I can one day at a time. Perhaps that’s all we can ever truly do. As scripture said, worry not for tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry for itself. Maybe the lesson to be gleaned is this, do the best you can today, with what you’ve been given. While I’m sure there is always a bigger picture, we have opportunities today. I guess the saying is true, ‘Today needs you, tomorrow can wait.’ Twenty years ago I survived, and although I can still see it clearly, I must remain focused on the needs of this day. Faith is what I live by today, and it’s that faith that tells me to keep going, keep pushing forward, keep fighting the good fight. I was a soldier once, fighting for a nation, and today I’m a soldier, fighting for the kingdom of God. May we never forget our battles, for they give the fight meaning, what we learn, what we experience, we may grow from. Never grow weary, and never surrender the fight. 

Today I remember the fight, the details remain in my mind, and I am thankful for God’s protection. There would be many more days of fight ahead, and some far removed from my time in the desert. A part of me is still there, even after all these years. A part of me died there I think. The young kid, full of life, and laughter is not the adult that left the desert behind. The last day in Iraq I remember sitting on the ground, my bag for a pillow, waiting for the helicopters to come pick us up. It seemed surreal at the time. Were we really leaving? That was it, just one day, the war was over for me. The ambush came so early in the deployment but it set the tone for the remainder time in Camp Ramadi. I would never view life the same. The constant awareness would become second nature. The constant threat assessment would be commonplace for me. The losses we feel every day in our hearts would not go away as easily as us flying from the base in a helicopter. The weight we carry has been with us ever since. War changes a person, and unless you experience it, it’s hard to explain. The battle for Iraq lasted more than 15 years and I have often wondered what did we gain? When I arrived there I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to free the Iraqi people from a régime that threatened their way of life, and held them hostage under the thumb of a ruthless dictator and his sons. Looking back, and experiencing the hurt, and the betrayal as I watched on TV. As ISIS took control of Ramadi. Why were we there, if it was just going to be given to a new enemy? Answers sadly would not come as the hurt funneled into my heart. What was a soldiers life worth? The scars left behind by that place are much like the wound Frodo wound experience on Weathertop, a wound that would never fully heal. 

I am still a soldier, albeit broken, and slower than I used to be. I still rise every day ready to fight the good fight, and know that war while we live might be inevitable, are only battles in the grand scheme of things. But Jesus will win the war. Jesus will return with a mighty army and slay the enemies of the throne. I a soldier in His grand army, continue to fight, but instead of bullets, and tanks, I fight with the Holy Word of God. I do not fear death, for death comes for us all. I believe when death comes I would welcome it as a release from my time in service, and allowed to finally go home, and finally rest. Jesus paid the price for my sins, and one day he will grant my leave. That day may not be today, or tomorrow, but till then, I soldier on, and I continue to fight the good fight, and I continue to stand my ground against all my enemies, the chief enemy, the father of lies, Satan. I shall continue to pick up my sword, tighten the straps of the Armor of God I so willingly wear, and prepare for battle today, the next day, the next battle, each and every day, I fight. 

To those who came home still in the fight, I pray for you. 

To those who didn’t come home, I fight to honor your sacrifice. 

To those who serve or served I salute your service. 

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Four Years Now

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Four Years Now

It’s been four years now, and when I look in the mirror the person isn’t the same looking back. For a long time the silence was terrifying because for me, the internal dialog was startling. For years the darkness was when the voices were the loudest. For a long time I couldn’t drive in the car in silence without that void being filled with the lies of the voices. Anytime when I knew I would be surrounded by the absence of sound, I knew the lies would start, and I knew I would hear their voices telling me I was worthless. I knew the voices would tell me to relive my horrors. I knew I’d see the events play through again and again in my minds eye. 

The fear would stay with me, and then not long ago I was driving and realized the radio had been off for a while. How long I asked myself? How long had the radio been off, and as I considered it, I realized it had been off for days? Weeks? When did the silence stop being a warzone? When did I no longer fear, but instead embrace the silence? As I pondered back I recall nights in the tent where the silence was filled by nature and I found myself at peace. The darkness it seems had finally been pushed away. 

The darkness overtook me in grief, suffering, guilt, shame, loss, and an overall feeling of worthlessness. Even feeling the touch of the Almighty God, and the electricity run through my body, the voice that echoed in my head, quickly became attacked by the lies of the enemy. This was perpetuated by the further loss of those around me. The exodus I experienced, all alone with my demons in the night, I found myself quieting the voices with medication and alcohol. The days turned to weeks and the medicated numbing kept the voices at bay, but at a cost. I was losing myself, and my witness. I was adding to the chains that held me down, that were crushing me and I couldn’t see beyond my own pain. 

Nights of delirium, blackouts that left social media, text messages, and phone calls of a person with no idea what was said, or done, but that of a man who consistently made a complete fool of himself. While this lasted but a few weeks and the wakeup call came from a concerned, and trusted advisor, thankfully no permanent damage was done. But who am I now? Isn’t that the question? Four years later, who am I? Where have I gone in all those years? I have been thinking about the challenges that shape us, that mold us to who we are. What happens when pressure is applied to a sword? Of course if enough is applied it breaks, but of normal usage it’s strong able to withstand blows and beatings of battle after battle. This of course is after the sword is forged and heat treated. When a sword is forged it goes through a rigorous process of beating the steal, shaping it, molding the hot metal into the desired shape, one prepared for war. 

I look at the four years, but realize that while it’s been a long time, I’ve got faith. I realize that it’s that faith and strength that is not of my own, but given to me, bestowed upon me by my Almighty Abba Father. The four years it seemed, or rather felt, as if it were a long night, and finally the sky lights with the rising sun. Out of the ashes of a life, rises a new existence, as scripture says “a new creation.” I’ve been through the fire and God took those hardships and used every bit of it, to strengthen my very soul. 

After losing my marriage and watching that fall to ashes, and then the ‘incident’, a short stay at a bed and breakfast, then losing my job, rupturing the disc and then the house, and watching my future plans go up in smoke, I was left lost at sea. I spent years trying to find my way, but floundered in the darkness. I started school, but merely felt as if I were going through the motions. I started writing and there I found focus. There I found purpose. Was God showing me how to focus my thoughts, and feelings? Was God showing me that there was reason for what I was going through? School would come to a close and be completed. All of that would lead me to where I am today. Of course there were ups and downs in there. There was someone who came into my life two years into the journey who would become a reminder to stay on track. Covid of course through everyone’s life a curveball, but of course, what is the point of all this? 

The point is, we never know how long the storms will last, or even the darkness. The hardships come and go, but what remains is the kind of person we want to be, shown in how we handle those hardships. Are we going to make mistakes? Sure, we all do, but our actions are truly what defines us. When we make a mistake, we need to swallow our pride, and own up to it. David, a man after God’s own heart, ran from his obligations, and in doing so, created turmoil for him the rest of his life. From avoiding war, to Bathsheba, to conspiracy to commit murder, to coverup, to failure in maintaining the law. David would be punished for his mistakes, but in the end, he would acknowledge them, and repent of his sins. Make no mistake though, the bill comes due. When we error, there are repercussions for those mistakes, even when we are forgiven. Let me explain this. Scripture tells us that when we ask for forgiveness, a deep heart felt plea for forgiveness, God wipes our slate clean, white as snow. While we are forgiven, we must still be held accountable for our sins. For every action there is a reaction. Our actions while here on this Earth have repercussions, and we must know that, our sins create a ripple effect to all those around us. Everything we do, from Sins such as adultery, to stealing, to lying, to murder, even idolatry, all have massive ripple effects to the world around us. No sin just effects ‘you’, but it truly does affect everyone around you. 

At my lowest point I found myself alone, and desperate to feel something else. Mistakes will happen, but we must learn from them. We must ask for wisdom to see the error in our ways, but the chance to learn and grow, and be better today than we were yesterday. Failure is often viewed as a negative thing, but I argue that without failure we do not truly grow. We must study our failures to learn why we failed, how we failed, and then take those lessons. Much like the Sword of Gryffindor, we must be forged by what makes us stronger, what makes us better. Far too often we hold onto shame, guilt, regrets, and we become stuck. Instead we must take what makes us better, what lessons we need for tomorrow, and leave behind the rest. The scars remain but a reminder of the struggle, the survival, not to be victim, but to thrive in life, knowing how fragile it truly is. Scripture tells us we are but a vapor in the wind. James 4:14 “whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” We cannot stay in the past, nor can we stay worrying about the future, but we need to have a broad view. We must be able to analyze the past, live in the moment, and lay the foundation for tomorrow. We must trust that the Lord will establish our steps, but we must keep our compass fixed on Jesus. We must walk with Jesus allowing him to be within us. We must not allow the world to pull us astray, because it’s easy to do. Satan wants to tempt us away, ever so slowly at a time till we are so far away, when we look up, we have no idea how we got so lost. We must continuously stop and check our azimuth, and do a spiritual check-up. 

We can’t live in the past, chained in bondage, but we should focus on our tomorrow in Christ, Jesus. Every day we make the choice how we behave, how we think, what we watch, what we say, what we do. Traumas, and heartbreak are difficult to overcome, but there are ways to do so. We can heal and move forward and beyond the hurt. In my life, I have seen horrific things, dealt with traumas, and have even failed miserably in handling them. In those failures lessons have been learned, and God usually gives us a chance to make things right, when we ask for them. Never lose sight of the big picture, and that’s Christ. Don’t be conformed to the world. Be the change you want to see, and live your life in love, knowing we know how to love, because Christ loved us first. 

I cannot say where my next four years will have led me, but right now, my future is bright. I am cautiously optimistic. It’s easy to get caught in the excitement of the new, the joy in the planning, but I am fully aware, there is a storm brewing on the horizon. When you are doing the Lords work, Satan doesn’t sleep. He wishes to destroy everything built in the name of Christ. He wishes to demoralize every positive thing we do. We must always be aware, and ready for the storms coming. So while I see a future in front of me, it’s not yet in focus. Whatever my future holds, I know that the last four years have prepared me for tomorrow, and I cannot, I will not allow these four years to have been in vein. To new adventures. 

It’s All Laid Out On The Table

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It’s All Laid Out On The Table

I’ve wasted a lot of time on people who would not consider giving me that same amount of time. I’ve spent a lot of time pursuing people in hopes they would one day return that interest. I’ve loved others but rarely received that affection in return. I’ve given nearly everything I was for a marriage, two marriages, in which I was discarded as little more then used trash. It’s not easy going through life getting so little from others, whom you’ve given so much. The fatal flaw however lies with me and my inability to evacuate from relationships that became toxic for me.

I think we have a negative idea of toxic, and sometimes I feel it’s such a twisted idea of what toxic really is. I would argue toxic is anything that causes a divide between you and God. Recently I discussed how things in our lives could be benign to one person but detrimental to others. Someone who bowls on a league may not have any problems with a healthy balance but someone else the league may consume their every thought. Food for some is the enemy even though it’s needed to survive. The same goes for alcohol. Some can consume responsibly, others it would or could destroy their lives. For me, I feel my need for human interaction, and my desire to not be alone, has led me to often loose focus on what’s really important. I have pursued so many and the constant rejection of love and even friendships has left me broken in my bed for many nights on end. My desire to want to feel needed, wanted, loved, has pushed me into darkness. That desire and ignoring obvious signs is what’s become toxic for me.

I don’t understand the desire to play hard to get, or the idea of being aloof. I don’t understand the flippant perspective of relationships in today’s society. I don’t understand how so much is taken for granted, or how little care or thought is placed on another human’s feelings. The pain we cause one another is truly beyond my emotional wheelhouse. I struggle to understand how easy it is to care about ones self so much that without a moment’s hesitation someone is at the bottom of your shoe and you walk on like nothing ever happened.

When people have walked away I try my best not to think the worst about someone leaving. I try to think the best of someone that there has to be a good explanation to why they have been quiet or unreachable for days or weeks on end. Sadly, the most common outcome is just a lack of desire to talk or have any kind or relationship. We are a lost people and our priorities have become completely revolved around sin. When we only care about self and others no longer mater, I assert this is the nature of sin. Sin is about the ‘I’, about self. See for me I have longed for a family, a love that was something special, something strong. I have searched the globe for such a love only to be broken down. All along while I was looking for love in people, I should have been looking for love in Christ. I am a child of God and that kind of love far surpasses anything found in this life. I am slowly realizing I cannot continue to pursue others. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s hard not too. I start my day by sending out a few text messages wishing those in my life a good morning and wishing them a good day. I have done experiments in which I haven’t sent out messages and there was silence for several hours, even days. I will send messages to people I know nearly all day checking on them, seeing how they are doing, offering prayers, but the return is few and far between. I have grown dependent on the communication with others, and now I don’t know how to be just me. I spend time with my thoughts, but often times they scare me. When I start to take time to ponder my life, to evaluate where I am, the silence becomes overwhelming. Somewhere a balance remains, yet it’s elusive. How do we manage the silence when the silence scares us? How do we walk a path when we don’t know if we can do it alone? The simple answer is we aren’t alone. I know many people who are estranged from their families. I know many who were abandoned and left behind from mothers, fathers, friends, spouses, but no matter who may have left you, I assure you the Lord will not. Psalm 27:10 (NKJV)10 “When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me.” What are your dreams, and what is your hearts desire? Have you taken them to the Lord in prayer? Have you given your all to service? Have you received your answer but turned your back on it? We often pray and expect to get what it is we pray for. I have found more often we do get an answer but it’s not what we wanted to hear. I know I have prayed over and over for someone to come my way to meet the desires of my heart. It’s pained me knowing that God has said not yet, or no. I have watched as friends have been alone far shorter then I, that have found someone wonderful for their lives, and I am left feeling like I’m standing still in my life. I have watched as many of my friends are pregnant about to have their child, or are celebrating their pregnancy. I have struggled with sinful envy wishing I had the happiness at least what’s seen on the surface. I know that my feelings and my faith are opposed. My faith tells me to be patient, to wait, to be content in whatever situation God has placed me. My feelings cry out in pain wishing I had someone to cuddle with watching a movie, eating popcorn. I feel like the enemy is at my door and I don’t know how to defend against this kind of attack. I feel the defenses weakening, and I struggle in my prayers not to cry every night. I have felt rejected so often lately that it feels like time itself is my enemy. I feel like my window is ticking by and my hope for a family may not find me. I wonder if I’d missed something in my past I was supposed to do, and catch myself falling down an unhealthy rabbit hole. When you feel all alone and you feel like the worlds turned it’s back on you, let me tell you, the relief is Jesus Christ. When darkness is upon your door and you feel you can’t take anymore, let Jesus be the one to catch you before you fall. (Crash and Burn, Savage Garden) The monsters in your head are the lies of Satan, and when you feel you can’t face the day, cry out to Jesus to save you. I listen to the song Crash and Burn and picture it’s Jesus singing to me.

The world is a cold place, and people can be cruel. I have always hoped to see the best in people and while most often in my life I’ve seen the worst in people, I always try to hold onto love. I know Jesus loves me, and when I reach out to Christ, I am never on hold, I never get a voicemail, and I never get the cold shoulder. I know that Christ always has time for me to listen to my problems, to help me when the days been tough. I know I never have to worry about being ghosted by Christ even though so many people have. I know that I am called to serve, and I have finally come to realize I cannot run forever. I have always wanted to make a difference, and though I didn’t expect it to be this way, I know that when people are in their most vulnerable states, I can be the difference for them. So many years ago in a night of sheer trauma I recall being left alone not sure what to do, where to go, or what to think. As I was a scared little boy left with so many questions, and fear that would go on for miles, I cannot imagine someone being left alone as I once was. I cannot imagine so many lives facing their absolute worst day, and not having anyone to be there with them. While today I reach out to fill a void in my life, I know that one day I might be the only person someone can reach out too. I will live my life differently being reachable and dependable. I will answer the call and I will allow Christ to place me where I am wanted, where I am needed, and I will trust in the plan. While I have a long way to go before I am ready, as Paul trained for 3 years after his encounter with Christ, I too shall go through my own sort of training. Paul trained his whole life for his calling, and when his conversion happened on Damascas Road that was just the graduation from undergrad to graduate. His training with the Apostles would be his masters, and I too walk a similar path. My life of trauma has trained me in a specific way, preparing me for a life of a trauma counselor, and my path to seminary, and God willing, the path to ordination will be the masters degree preparing me to do God’s work.

We can pick up the phone and call people who may or may not answer, but why don’t we pick up the phone and call Jesus for a chat? Why don’t we turn to the one who can truly make a difference in our life? It’s nice to have people around, but when the real problem rests within the heart, we must turn to Christ for the only true healing we will ever receive. I am finding that flooding my life with people, and talking, and distracting myself from the pain inside has only been placing a Band-Aid over my heart. My heart is still hemorrhaging and it’s time for me to wake up and face my pain like a man. I have spent my life either using compartmentalization, or distractions to hide from my responsibility. After my Ex-Wife’s affair the first thing I did was blame myself. The very thought of her being with another man forced my own thoughts to ask what I had done wrong. I completely believed I had done something to drive her there, and I beat myself up. I believed deep down I was a worthless piece of trash, and even two years later there are still remnants of that belief that linger in my heart. I often sit in a room wondering if I’m being judged by those around me. I often wish I would have been able to talk to a woman I saw in the store or a restaurant and fear forces me to leave without saying a word. Once upon a time I would have been able to talk to a stranger, but in my damaged state I find the fear of rejection overwhelming. As I have realized I’ve developed into Agoraphobic with a side order of Social Anxiety Disorder, I now find the result from years of PTSD never treated. Thankfully these combined fears are not debilitating for me. While raised blood pressure, elevated heart rate, a rise in anxiety, and on a very rare occasion a panic attack has occurred, knowing what I fight, I can now start to pray, and face the problems head on. (DSM-V) “Agoraphobia: Marked fear or anxiety about two (or more) of the following five situations:

  1. Using public transportation (e.g., automobiles, buses, trains, ships, planes.)
  2. Being in open spaces (e.g., parking lots, marketplaces, bridges.)
  3. Being in an enclosed placed (e.g., shops, theaters, cinemas)
  4. Standing in line or being in a crowd.
  5. Being outside of the home alone.”

While there is no doubt I fall into that category, I fully understand where those fears come from. The second fear is “Social Anxiety Disorder: Marked fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others. Examples include social interactions (e.g., having a conversation, meeting unfamiliar people), being observed (e.g., eating or drinking), and performing in front of others (e.g., giving a speech)” (DSM-V) Oddly my primary here is conversations and meting unfamiliar people. I can act in a play in front of others, or even give a speech in front of others. My fear is the one on one rejection from people. I think because of my fear being able to meet new people, and fear of being judged I struggle with meeting new people. Strangely this does not apply when I’m working. When I worked in security knowing I had partners, others who had my back in the event anything went bad, I was at ease. I could run towards fire, floods, fights, medical emergencies, with absolutely no negative emotion. I was sure of my ability, and my place in the world. I knew I was good at my job, and I knew I could handle any situation that came. I knew as security I was in control of the situation. When I meet people online I have some version of control over the situation. In person I am more exposed, like I’m holding onto a live wire. In my fear, I turn to scripture. Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)10 “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Christ is the great healer. We cannot expect to heal our hearts alone. We can place things over the wound and try to hope for the best, but under it all the wound festers, and becomes infected. The wound spread throughout the body causing more damage to other areas. In the event I could go back and comfort that little boy left alone, he would have been able to see love, and grace in the light of Christ. He could have heard an explanation and not been forced to make one up on his own. The feelings he faced that night and in the weeks to come would lay the foundation of how he would feel about his life for decades to come. It’s so important to understand our place in this world. Knowing and understanding that the throne of Satan is the earth itself while sin still exists, (Revelation 2:12:13) we are soldiers on the front line. We are faced with facing our fears and being courageous and not allowing our fears or feelings to control us.

“We were made to be courageous, we were made to lead the way!”… “We were warriors on the front lines, standing unafraid, now we’re watchers on the sideline.”  (Courageous by. Casting Crowns)

 I know I cannot stand here afraid of the silence. I know I must face my fears, and not allow the lies of Satan to overwhelm me. I know the only way I will ever stand is on my knees with lifted hands. I know the Lord did not make me to be afraid. I know the Lord did not make a mistake with me. I know I am worthwhile and if people don’t see that, I cannot base my self worth on their opinions. I must be honest about how I feel, but no longer can I sit and pretend I’m okay. It’s all right not to be okay, and in admitting there’s a problem we can face that problem. I trust that God will heal me and I know when I turn to Christ and place my future before my past I will one day truly put my past to bed. When I trust in Christ to heal my heart, I know that the raging sea within my heart, the storm that’s going on deep down in my soul, I know that Christ has the power to calm the storm. In my weakness, I know that God is my power, and I now realize my prayers have been wrong for so many years. So in the spirit of hopefully learning from my past, I propose a new prayer.

Heavenly Father:

I come to you with bended knee, and bowed head. You are the most high, holy, and gracious God. Your authority is absolute and I trust in your purpose. I have seen the light in the storm, and I trust the path. I am thankful for the past and the pain. I pray I may grow and take what I need from those situations, and let go of what I don’t. I hear you call me out my Lord, and I hear your voice clearly in my mind. I hear you say it’s okay, I hear you say my past is forgiven, and I know I don’t want to live in the pain of the past anymore. I pray you strengthen my faith, and give me the way to finally put this behind me. I pray for the fire to burn away the old me, the old me that doubted, that lived a life of fear. I pray the old me is wrapped in your cocoon of love, mercy, forgiveness and the man that walks away is a proud soldier of Christ who can stand tall knowing his worth, knowing who he is humbled before the Lord of the universe. I pray nothing of importance is wasted in that man’s life, and that the haunting that has afflicted me for so long cannot stand against the healing fires of the Holy Spirit. I have spent so much time worrying about how others saw me. I have spent so much afraid to feel because I was afraid how others would view me. I was afraid to come forward because I was afraid of being lashed out against. But my God, my God, you are with me today. My God as my season changes, I know and trust in you. My Lord of all creation, you have shown me truth, and you know my heart. You know my heart and the separation between my heart and my hard head. God I ask for your will be done in my life. I ask the guidance I need to bring you glory in all I do. I am a sinner and I know I’m not worthy and it’s in grace I am blessed. I asked myself so often why they didn’t want me anymore. I grew up my whole life begging for the answer of why people didn’t stick around in my life. I cried so often in my youth, and into my adult life, why people didn’t love me anymore. I cried to you so many nights begging to you to take me in my sleep. I begged you Lord for the answers I would never get. I prayed to you but your answer was always no. You refused to take me home, and even when I was on deaths door you still said not yet. All those years I begged for a father, all those years I begged for someone to love me, it was you all along. Your love is what kept me alive. Your love is why I kept moving forward. Your love was all I ever needed. I was afraid I wouldn’t ever truly know love, but your grace has shown me differently. I haven’t found that love on earth I have sought so long for, but I see now, it’s your love that matters most. Your love has saved, and it’s your love that heals. Your love is enough to push that scared little boys fears away. Your love is the comfort at night. Your love showers over me and you collect my tears. You’re my hope when I feel hopeless. You’re my courage when I’m afraid. I am nothing without you Lord, and I am everything because you have created me.

 I close my eyes and I remember your voice. I feel the jolt in my skin touching every nerve in my body. I feel your power surge through me, and I know I can never be worthy of such a beautiful gift, but as that’s just a small taste of the true power of the most High. Abba, you touched me that day, and now I can only imagine what it will be like when I am by your side. I prayed for a dad, and in my despair you were always there. I prayed for a family and you’ve given me my brother Glen, my brother David, and you’ve rebuilt the relationship with my mother. I am not worthy of these gifts, but I accept them humbly. My King, you watch over me and you bring me comfort, and I cannot express how grateful I am. I have asked for so long who I am. I have searched so long for the place I belonged, and now after so many years crying, feeling hopeless, you have shown me purpose. I see now how you’ve used tragedy to shape a future. Your plan is wonderful, with beautiful grace and strategic balance. Tomorrow the sun will shine, and I know you are Lord over all things. Your will, will be done, and I am thankful for all I have.

God is Good

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God is Good

This seems like such an easy message, but so few truly understand just how impactful it can be, God is good, and God is good all the time. I have been down and from the deepest pits of despair I have know that God is still there. I may not have always been on speaking terms with God for my own selfish, lost reasons, but God as Abba (Father), has never turned His Holy back on me. When we are upset and angry with God it’s us that walks away. We are children who storm off and slam the door to our rooms. I was an angry person for so long I ran from God. We would fight constantly. I felt like I was being taken out to the whipping shed so often I couldn’t sit down anymore. What I couldn’t understand was it wasn’t God, God wasn’t the source of my pain, the Devil was.

It’s easy to feel like you’re alone, but the truth is we are never alone. Romans 8:28 ESV“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” We know that no matter what we are going through God is there. Psalm 31:19 ESV“Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!”

Living life with depression isn’t easy. Living life with severe depression can be debilitating. Knowing God is there is sometimes the only hope people have that suffer from depression is trusting God is still there. I’ve spent time laid up in my bed and the only thought that’s gotten me up is knowing that I need to post a blog entry, or homework, or to go to church. Knowing these things are to bring glory to God is often the only thing that gets me moving. I can’t imagine how people who believe in nothing find anything hopeful when things in life don’t go very well. Worse, when people suffer traumas and if not one, or three, or even five traumas later if they believe in nothing, how they manage to keep moving forward is something I will never understand. Psalm 145:9 ESV“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” Knowing everything the light touches, and everything it doesn’t is all under the mercy of God is such a warm thought. Knowing that everything in my heart is touched by God, and every sorrow I feel Jesus Christ felt and took it for me. Knowing that the love of Jesus Christ is what lights up the darkness. The darkness that covers those with true horrors in their life is lit up by the grace of God.

Sometimes in life when you need to fix something, you have to make a mess before you build it back up and make it pretty. The human heart, and the psyche are sometimes the same way. In trauma therapy you often need to talk about the worst things in your life you you’ve ever experienced, and you talk about it some more, and then some more, and each time it feels like the wounds are fresh, just as painful as the first day it happened. Going over the events, and talking about them, and talking about the emotions in a particular way is how we slowly start to clean up the mess. Knowing that God is there keeping you safe, keeping me safe, has been a comfort. Knowing I am broken to pieces right now, is only a temporary thing because I know that one day God will use me to help others and bring precious glory to His holy name. Trusting in the Lord and that He has plans for me keeps me fighting and moving forward. Even when I don’t think much of myself, I know that the Lord loves me. Jesus Christ died for me, and I know that one day I will leave this broken life behind, and I will go home to where I truly belong, and why, is because God is good all the time. God is Love, God is Grace, God is Joy, and God uses broken things just like me. If God can use a broken man like myself to spread the Gospel, God can use anyone to show others hope and joy, and faith that tomorrow will be better because this life is only temporary. We have work to do in this world, and we can’t let the Devil win. We must hold strong, and never give up. If God never gives up on us, we can’t give up on ourselves either, and we certainly can’t give up on God. We are never alone.

Rehashing the Past

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Rehashing the Past

From the time that we are born, to the time that we die, there are both good and bad things we experience. We know from scripture why bad things happen, and simply put it’s because sin entered the world, and good and evil are present every day. But what happens if we experience the bad and we do nothing about it? In the past, I’ve talked about the dangers of compartmentalization for coping techniques, for further read you can follow this link. https://thearrowpreacher.wordpress.com/2017/06/16/a-past-long-forgotten-the-dangers-of-compartmentalization/

Years later after I believed everything was tucked away in a nice box, sitting on a shelf somewhere inside my mind, where a closest door remained locked, bolted, and guarded, never to be reopened, a foul evil creature grew inside that closet and it was hungry for revenge. I realize the symbolism is a bit out there, but in all reality the events of September 16thwill forever be etched in stone as a dark mark on my reputation and my ego. That day left me with shame, guilt, and fear. As I have tried to move on from that day, it’s hard to imagine I was ever so low in my life. The thing about being low and never dealing with it is when that hidden monster comes back to exact revenge for being put away in the closet. So how do you make peace with that angry monster? You must be brave enough to confront the beast, to face your fears, and don’t back down when it gets hard.

In the next week I will be started a series of therapy sessions designed to manage particular traumatic events in my past to deal with and manage those events so I control them and they do not control me. Those memories are difficult to think about and while on the surface it looks like everything is just fine, if I’m truly honest with myself there are feelings buried deep down that I have gotten pretty good at hiding and masking. After two years ago however it’s time to finally face the monsters and be rid of them once and for all.

It is in scripture and therapeutic techniques I will find peace. I have been praying to God to prepare me for the trials ahead, and calm my heart, and allow me to see the light in such a dark place. Psalm 107:13-16“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron.” It is in my heart the darkness rests, and for many years I have not allowed the pain to surface, but in an instant the defenses cracked and out came the monster angry and bitter, spreading lies and fear, and on that day, the monster won. Today however I am older, wiser, and more in control, I shall not fear the monster any longer, as I will fight the war on my terms. Psalm 91:4-6“He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.” Jesus comforts me, and protects me. I know I am protected as I go forward. The past cannot hurt me anymore, and I will not allow it to control me. Isaiah 41:10“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

 For all who deal with past traumas, hardships, and pain, there is always hope. Tomorrow doesn’t have to be full of darkness and pain. In order to be rid of it, we must first see our enemy and rise to the occasion to face it head on. God is with you, so if you have a past, face that past in a controlled and safe environment, don’t wait till tomorrow, live in peace today.

When the Struggles Comes

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When the Struggles Comes

Bad things happen to everyone, that’s a fact that is undeniable. The common saying is ‘why do bad things happen to good people?’ The fact is, no matter who you are, or how good of a person you are, no matter the good deeds you do, the lives you touch or save, you are not immune from the Devil, or the Devil’s impact or influence. Bad things happen because of Sin entering the world. People who sin affect those around them, and sin has a way of snowballing downhill. When the bad things happen there’s only a few ways to look at it, A: what did I do to bring this upon myself. If you were not the cause of the bad thing, then move onto B: What did someone else do around me to cause this? The final choice if neither A nor B is choice C: Usually medically related and we don’t have a good answer why babies get cancer, or why a mother dies early in life, we just don’t know the bigger plan or purpose. The simple fact is, we are always being bombarded by sin all around us, and at some point in our lives, just like the big earthquake, the big one will hit. What have you done to prepare for it, and how will you handle when it does?

Everyone has a story, and that story is unique and special. No matter what trials you’ve been through, what trauma’s, or even the joys and travels you’ve experienced, you are what your history has made you. No one person is less or more important. Everyone we encounter will have an effect on our lives, and everyone we encounter will have an equal affect. Though the effect we have changes with each person we meet, we need to realize not everyone will appreciate you, accept you, or even like you, but what really matter above all else, is that God accepts you. What can we learn from the experiences of others? I think we’ve become a society that shy’s away from embracing the suck. We shy away from our traumas because it hurts; it’s painful to think about, and sometimes even more so to talk about. What impact could we have on others if we shared our experiences instead of running away from them? I know for me reliving my trauma’s has never been a joy, and sometimes they keep me up at night. While I am still struggling to find my way, I realize that no matter how low I feel, I have to lift my worries, my concerns and my pain to the Lord.

We naturally shy away from things that make us uncomfortable, but I think the biggest tragedy is when we push people away who are the ones going through the tough time. There are instances I can understand when we walk away from someone, such as a person who takes and takes, who brings negativity by abuse or cruelty. Those kinds of people it can be unhealthy to keep them around. We never turn our backs on them, but we must also protect ourselves. The difference is when we push someone away who is legitimately going through a hard time in their life that isn’t of their own doing, or even if it is, someone who’s trying to make it right by actively trying to change their situation. When we cut contact or ties to rid ourselves of the negative vibe we are actively going against God’s command. Galatians 6:2 “2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” When we are in need, when we are enduring pain and suffering we should be able to turn to our brothers and sisters to be lifted up, to help us bare the weight of the cross we carry. Likewise we are told to bear those burdens, 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” A persons hardships are a blessing and when we survive the flame we will see the fruit that is made. When we realize there is always a bigger picture and when we can use our tragedies to lift up those who come after us, we will continue to spread the will and love of God.

We don’t want to be someone who always focuses on the negative, but we must understand that the negative does happen. We must learn to listen with the heart and embrace those who seek us to help carry their cross. Do we turn them away in their time of need? Do we lift them up with encouragement, or do we tear them down even further? Truth is truth and facts are facts, and we must learn to listen with open ears, and open hearts. We cannot push people away in need. We must respect the natural order of things and realize that hardships come to all. If your number hasn’t come up yet it will. Pain comes to all it’s just a matter of time. Who will be there for you when your number’s pulled?

When the struggle comes you will learn who your true friends are, and who’s a fair weather friend. You will find yourself struggling from time to time, but fear not, the Lord is always with you. Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” The Lord will never forsake us and even in the darkest of days, the fiercest of storms, we need to know and remember the God who created us and Loves us unconditionally. God who is always watching over us will always provide to us what we need, when we need it. God will also give to us the people who we can count on to be there for us. We may not see it sometimes, and we may not want to, but our will, our wish, or our own desires may not fall within the will of God. When we walk a different path from God we will often miss out on our blessings. Have faith and see the joys in the blessings we are given. Love and friendship are a rare thing sometimes. It’s so easy for us stupid humans to take that for granted. I know I have taken my blessings for granted and when they were taken away from me, it crushed me, nearly destroyed me, and rebuilding from nothing is far worse then realizing what’s there and embracing the joy of our beautiful gifts that come from our Abba (father). God will rebuild our lives when it crumbles, but we must remain faithful, and loyal to the word. Never give up hope for as long as you draw breath, as long as there is strength in your heart, hope is eternal. Tomorrow may be the change you were waiting for, and perhaps, if you’re lucky, that change may come today when you least expect it. Don’t let your pain rule over you. Don’t let your sorrow blind you from the truth in front of you. You’re not alone, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Love will always find you.

 

 

My service dog

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My service dog

I believe that in life God doesn’t want his children to be alone. I believe we are our best selves when we have someone special in our lives. While we have come a long way in our understanding of science and medicine we are a long way from being able to fully understand the workings of the human brain. Sometimes when someone is faced with PTSD there are many different symptoms to various degrees that someone may face. A particular service dog will be able to assist by doing particular jobs to prevent someone with PTSD from facing any number of symptoms alone. “A Specially Trained PTSD Dog can provide a sense of security, calming effects, and physical exercise that can make a positive difference in the life of those that suffer with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Like all assistance dogs, a psychiatric service dog is individually trained to do work or perform tasks that mitigate their handler’s disability. Training may include providing environmental assessment (in such cases as paranoia or hallucinations), signaling behaviors (such as interrupting repetitive or injurious behavior reminding the handler to take medication, retrieving objects and guiding the handler from stressful situations. PTSD Service Dogs can literally change the life of a Veteran or other persons with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD Service dogs can help a Veteran remain calm by preventing people from crowding around or rushing up behind in public places which will provide a comfortable space for the Veteran or PTSD sufferer.

PTSD Service Dogs can:

  • help adjust serotonin levels
  • help lower blood pressure
  • help with episodes of depression
  • provide companionship
  • calm their handler
  • preventing people from crowding around or rushing up on their handler

The above tasks represent what a PTSD service dog is capable of performing. Each PTSD service dog is specifically trained to their owners personal needs based on their medical condition and may or may not include the above tasked described.” (http://www.canines4hope.com/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-dogs-ptsd-dog-training-florida.htm)

Each and every day thousands of people to include veterans and non-veterans suffer from the symptoms of PTSD. It can be difficult to let go of the traumas of war. There are particular things that are a constant struggle for me. Going into a public place alone causes high anxiety. Having my back to a room, an entrance causes undue tension. My service dog Riley, provides 360 security for me. When I am standing at a counter she sits next to or behind me but always watching my back. When I am sitting someplace she is my vigilance, my battle buddy. She knows when stress and anxiety rises and she alerts me of that. My service dog has been my companion for 6 years now. She’s my rock when I need comfort, she’s my protector within the house, and she is my first line of defense.

You never know what someone may be facing under the surface. In recent months I have faced push back from a lot of different places regarding the need for a service dog. While this world understand a great deal of things, it’s lagging behind the service dog presence. While our understand of PTSD has grown in the last 10 years, we are finding the benefits of what service animals can do. While dogs have been used for many physical disabilities for years and years, the use for dogs to help treat PTSD symptoms is relatively new. Sadly the general publics understand is limited. Thus the problem it creates for those who have PTSD service dogs. While the misconception in the difference between therapy dogs and service dogs plagues our society. Many people who have therapy dogs contaminate the ideals of service dogs by misusing the terminology. Therapy dogs that provide a comfort to the owner while great doesn’t actually provide a medical purpose. Everyone can use a little extra comfort, but that doesn’t mean the dog has the same rights as a service dog. The issue isn’t the dog, the issue is the lack of knowledge about mental illness. Recently I was told people often see someone out in public and when they don’t look like they have a physical disability it’s assumed they don’t have a disability. The assumption that all disabilities are physical is a stigma in our world that must change. While there can be many uses for a service dog from diabetes, to seizures, to panic/anxiety attacks. All of these are very real and having a service dog can save their life.

The moral of the story is don’t be so quick to judge others. Stay within your lane and just because you don’t understand a situation doesn’t mean you need to. Just because you can’t see something wrong with someone doesn’t mean there isn’t. Don’t judge others and make sure before you jump to a snap decision you just don’t. Always have patience and respect for others around you. You can’t always see or measure a person’s pain because it’s not physical. While there are plenty of people who abuse the laws regarding service animals the same can be said about a great deal of other laws, i.e. social welfare services, social disability, insurance fraud, and many other ways people get around the system. Just because people abuse a system doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary. We must have faith that the greater good is being served. Education is the key, and we need to understand that things aren’t always as simple as they seem to be.

As for me, my service dog Riley is my closest friend. She goes with me everywhere I can manage to take her. She’s always with me and helps in ways people could never know or understand. Once more unto the breach. The fight for the rights regarding service dogs is continuing on. Dealing with the backlash of what people don’t understand is a daily constant when the wounds can’t be seen.

We never know what the future holds but what we know is we can only make decisions based on what we know when the time comes. The due diligence is on us to make sure we have as many facts as possible before coming to a decision. Snap decisions, or decisions without all the info can have major backlash. Pushing a viewpoint without expanding what we may know could have dire repercussions. Make sure we get the facts, it’s at the very least the right thing to do. James 1:19-20 “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Even when people make poor or snap judgments about you, always try to maintain a reasonable and rational response. Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”