Tag: testing

What Did Jesus Say? 

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What Did Jesus Say? 

God doesn’t love you just the way you are. God loves you enough to give you a chance. We all face judgment because of the sin we are born in. God loved you enough to send his only Begotten Son to this filthy rotten earth, so you may have a choice, to follow or not, to trust or not, to submit or not, to Jesus’s authority God the Father has given Him. There is only one verse where scripture says God loves the world, John 3:16. What does scripture actually say? Repent. Repent because you are facing judgment. We are born into a world that comes with a choice, and that choice is to accept God, or not. Hell is not full of people who are repented and sorrowful after death, 

Matthew 8:12 But the sons of the kingdom will be cast out into outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” Meaning the sons of the kingdom (earth) those who follow the prince of the power of the air (Satan) will not find nor see Jesus, but instead will be cast into darkness, and there they will not weep from sorrow, and not cry out in regret, instead will be like Anakin Skywalker burning alive on the side of the lava flow. “I hate you!” he cried out to Obi-Wan. Scripture does not say God loves you the way you are. God loves you and wants a relationship with you, but you have to repent and turn from the world, and embrace his Son Jesus. Only then, are you given a new heart, born a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” Scripture doesn’t say we can remain in our sins. Scripture doesn’t say that as long as you’re happy in your sin you can keep it. Or to turn a phrase, “if you like your old sin you can keep it.” Scripture is clear, we are to murder our sin, turn away from our sin with all malice. If it was a sin 2000 years ago, it’s still a sin today. While this notion is not a culturally popular outlook, homosexuality is indeed a sin still today, as it was 2000+ years ago. Abortion is a sin. Steeling is a sin. Rape, murder, incest, are all still sins today. While these are the sins we know of, a recent video I saw said the first sin was the lie from Satan. While that is the first visible sin, I disagree, the first sin is pride. Pride the sin of self, is the sin that leads to the first lie. Pride is what leads Eve to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Pride, the idea that we know more than God, that we can make better decisions than God, that we want what we want, and we will take what we want. In today’s fallen society, upside down society, indeed a mirror of the society found at the end of Judges 21:25 “In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.” We live in a world full of subjective truth. Objective truth is vilified, and society today tells us to live our best life now. Tells us to live our truth, and do what makes us happy and feel good. 

Jesus doesn’t ever tell us to follow our heart. 

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Meaning, when you follow God he changes your heart, and gives you new desires that line up with God. 

Jeremiah 17:9 

“The heart is deceitful above all things,

And desperately wicked; Who can know it?

Of course Jesus doesn’t want us to follow our hearts, Jesus wants us to follow him. As Paul says no one is righteous, no not one, lest any man should boast. All men have fallen short of the Glory of God. 

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.

Jesus did not say live your truth, John 14:6 “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”

Jesus doesn’t say do what makes you happy, instead he said this: 

John 15:10-11 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. 11 “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.

Joy comes from knowing the Lord. People these days are seeking joy and happiness in all the wrong places. People seek happiness in sex, drugs, people, stuff, money, all the things of this world, rather than God. Stuff and people pass away, they get old, the new wears off, and we are left seeking the next thing. True joy must be found in the Lord and only the Lord. 

Jesus never said believe in yourself. Instead he said this John 14:1 “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me.” 

Again, we see the pride in our life. We see this abundance of pride everywhere in our lives. People elevate self-esteem as the utmost importance but really the important thing to remember is we are dead in our sins. We are wretched sinners, and it’s in that sin we find the truth. We find who we are in Christ, and Christ alone, and it’s there we find that all our works, our best days, our accomplishments are gifts from God, not our own. 

And finally Be true to yourself, instead Jesus says this

Luke 9:23-27

23 Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. 24 For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it. 25 For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost? 26 For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels. 27 But I tell you truly, there are some standing here who shall not taste death till they see the kingdom of God.”

We have entered into a scary time in History. A time in which like in times of ancient days, things seem upside down. We know that God sees all things, and knows all things, and is in control of all things. This is the type of time that Paul warns young Timothy about. A time in which men will gather up those who will entertain and tickle their ears. A time in which people will not adhere to sound doctrine. We live in a time where people do and say what they want for they fear not the Lord. We live in a time where wrong is called right and right is called wrong. We live in a time where the peacemakers are the villains and the villains are the heroes. 

We are about to go into an election, and I hear people say, ‘vote your conscience’. I hear people say Jesus would be a republican, or a democrat. If we are to call ourselves Christians, we have to accept scripture as truth. We have to know what it is scripture actually says, so we are not to be lied to, or misdirected. How do we follow Christ if we don’t know what He and His word actually says? How can we vote for a sinful politician that best represents what we believe, if we don’t know what our faith actually says? We are called to pray for our leaders, our governments, and we cannot expect the world to change through any political party or person. The world changes through Christ, or Satan, one or the other. Either we trust Christ and we follow him, and we find leaders who follow Him, or, Satan’s people will be in charge. As God allowed Israel to be given over to their own reprobate mind, so shall God allow the U.S. to do the same. If we are not going to follow Him, a time will come, if it hasn’t already, that the U.S. will fall to its own sinful desires. Things will either get better because God allows it to get better, having people who follow him, or it will get worse because Satan has been given control and people who follow Satan. Make no mistake, you don’t have to be a worshiper of Satan to follow Satan. Anyone who denies Christ the true Christ, are children of Adam, and to be a child of Adam is to be in Darkness, one who is born into Sin, and the Sin nature is that of pride and self. 

We cannot live our lives in a perpetual state of misquoting scripture, taking scripture out of context, and thinking one man or political party is going to save the world. We cannot expect our taxes will save the world. We cannot expect the giving up of rights and freedoms will somehow save the world. We cannot expect those of the world to have the same respect for life and conscience a Christian has. Those who are still ‘plugged in to the Matrix’, are perfectly happy in their ignorance, and of course we know ‘ignorance is bliss.’ (The Matrix) What we can do is share the love of Christ. Show others love in everything we do. Live the life Christ calls us to live and be that Ambassador He expects us to be. We cannot stand on our Christian faith if we ourselves do not know what it says. We cannot expect to hold others accountable if again, we don’t know what the WORD OF GOD SAYS! 

Do not follow your own heart, nor follow your own understanding. Do not seek your own truth, instead seek God’s truth. Seek the heart of God, and know his purpose for us, know his Truth, and follow His word. We may not always like what scripture says, but we are not a Holy and Righteous perfect God. Also, consider this, God is merciful and patient. Thank God for not giving us what we deserve. We often find ourselves upset that God does not give us the desires of our hearts right away, or at all, but often fail to recognize we don’t get what we deserve right away from God either. What we deserve is death, righteous punishment for being enemies of God. We did not deserve Jesus, but instead we received love and mercy. 

We must turn from our wicked sinful ways and repent. We must turn to Jesus and know His words. We must go forward in our lives not keeping one foot in righteousness and one foot in the world. We cannot be of two worlds. Know God, and follow Jesus, or reject Jesus and face the consequences for following Satan. Jesus loves you and He desires a relationship with you, but He will never force you into that relationship. He will not force you to Hell, you will walk through the gates of Hell of your own choices and be consumed by your own Pride. We do not follow Jesus for the benefits. We follow Jesus because He created the world, and this is all His. We follow Him because He is Holy and we are not. We follow Him not for the benefits of health and wealth in this world, but rather that we are servants for a Holy God. We must have the servant heart, and put others before ourselves. For what is it worth to have the whole of the world, but give up your soul in the process? Do not wait till you face the Lord Jesus in the afterlife, for if you wait that long, you have made your choice and will face the consequences of those choices. Choose to follow Jesus now, and know His Love, and warmth, and peace, and find true Joy. 

Years End 2023

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Years End 2023

This has been a year of ups and downs. This year I have had some wonderful memories, but also deep hurt. I am happy to say that in April I was married to my best friend. I had the most memorable wedding I could have ever dreamt of. It was full of all things nerd, from Star Trek, to Star Wars, Power Rangers, Lord of The Rings, light saber fights, Titanic, a little Renaissance and elves. It was pretty amazing if I do say so myself, having planned the whole thing. I know, weird for a guy to plan a wedding, but we all have to step up sometimes. The honeymoon was amazing and different to say the least. 

While it has been amazing to have my wife here from the Philippines, I wish I could say this year has been a honeymoon type year, but it has not. From troubles over the summer, to health issues, to financial struggles, to troubles with the tent (that we live in) and then planning for a surgery, it has been a tough year. 

Just a week ago I received a call from my surgeon and the surgery was canceled, and not for a good reason. The surgery would be far more extensive, but because of that, it has to wait, likely for several or more years. Meaning there is nothing we can do to fix the problem now. I have to face the fact my neck is really messed up, and the only fix is not something we can do now. 

Then, there’s the loss of my beloved Cooper. He was 11 years old, and trained as a service dog. While he dropped out of training, he became an amazing therapy dog. He was beloved by the whole family. He was the gentlest, and soft, squishy dog out there. He was very similar to a Squishmellow. His loss has been devastating to me above everyone else. His loss has hurt me more than the rest of the family. While it’s only been a few weeks since his loss, it’s still very near to my broken heart. 

While there have been hardships, I can say God has shown up in a mighty way. God works things out, and while I don’t understand much of what’s transpired this year, I know that God is in control, God is sovereign and as scripture says, Psalm 24:18 “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit.”

It seems fitting that today of all days, I am sick. While this year has had some great moments, sadly it has been far outweighed by the hardships. That being said, that’s not always a bad thing. Trials are tough, but it is in these times we need to turn to God. James 1:2-4 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” I can say with absolute certainty, I have not missed anything this year. While I have often struggled on my veteran’s income to make ends meet, the Lord has provided. I have struggled with a great many things this year, but I have never gone without shelter, or food, friends, and most importantly I have not gone without my lovely wife, my beautiful Filipina bride. She has been such a blessing in my life, a beautiful gift of God’s perfect will for my life. 

I have a great many prayers for this upcoming 2024, and the biggest of those prayers is that my wife continues to grow with the Holy Spirit. It’s that she knows God more, and has a closer relationship to Him. I pray that my family remains safe, happy and healthy. I pray that my wife and I continue to grow together as we put God first and as we get closer to God, we shall grow closer in our marriage. Scripture is clear that God is always the priority. We know as a God-fearing couple, that God comes first before each other. I know that may sound strange to some, but when you look at a triangle if God is at the top, and her and I are each of the bottom points, as we grow closer to God, the distance between us grows closer also. I cannot speak highly enough of my wife and how wonderful and amazing and caring she is. 

In recent months I have worked with Wounded Warrior Project, and I am thankful that I was selected to be a peer mentor for the male Project Odyssey. I have also begun to spend a great deal of time with a local veterans group that does a ton of projects and outreach for our community. I pray that 2024 allows me more time to reach out to more people, share the gospel, and my prayer is to continue to serve, to take the time God has given me and serve more faithfully. I pray that my wife and I study together more, and I can be faithful in my own personal studies. I pray the Lord uses me to grow His kingdom. I pray that the Lord blesses me with a positive outcome for my fight to get my social security benefits so I may better provide for my family. I pray that as things change, I may be able to find a home that isn’t a canvas one, as I still nearly 3 years now, live in a tent. I also pray the Lord continues grow my blog, and I pray the Lord will bless me with the money to get the podcast equipment I need to work on it. Most of all, I just ask that the Lord be with me. I am thankful for Jesus and the sacrifice He made on Cavalry for me. In a whisper thousands of angels were at his disposal and he could have chosen to wipe out the entirety of the earth. Considering how poorly the creator of the universe was treated when he came to this place, when he stepped out of eternity, and came into time. Jesus humbled himself to be born of a woman. He humbled himself to step out of glory and put on flesh. He was born not in an Inn, or at home, or in a palace, but rather in a place where the animals laid, and he himself was laid in a manger, a feeding trough, and covered in swaddling cloth, just simple pieces of cloth ripped from clothing to cover him. Jesus showed us grace and mercy we did not deserve then, and do not deserve now. Jesus was rejected in his own home town of Nazareth. He was rejected by the same people he came to save, and he hung on that agonizing tree he created, to be the spotless lamb for us. He took our place, a sentence of death and Hell we deserved. He did not give us what we deserve and as such, we need to do what is right, and that is to commit ourselves to the Lord. Not just as fire insurance in a savior, but in Lord over all creation. 

Have we humbled ourselves to Jesus as Lord? Have we taken down our selfish pride and need to be in control, and replaced it with selfless service to the Lord Jesus? As we step from 2023 to 2024, the change in the calendar doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, but let us start the year off right. Let us remember the reason we are here and that is to worship and serve a rightness and Holy God. To follow Jesus if he is a lie, you lose nothing. BUT if he is the TRUTH, which he is, and there is plenty of evidence to prove he is, if you do not follow Jesus, you lose everything. Consider the evidence, consider the nature of the Bible, the truth of the life of Jesus, the testimony of lives changed through the work of Christ, and know that He is the Way, the Truth, the Life, and no one gets to the father but through Him. Jesus did not come to be a way to the Father. He did not come so you could live a life your own way, covered in your own sin, and think of God’s law as mere guidelines. If scripture says it’s a sin, then no amount of time or cultural change, will alter the fact that sin is the same yesterday, as it is today, as it will be tomorrow. Sin is treason against a Holy and Righteous God, and must be treated as such. Grace is not justification to sin, and no amount of feelings, will change what sin is. Scripture says to reject sin, so hate your own sin, and flee from it, not get comfy with it and just accept it as normal or right. There is no justification for living in sin. Jesus came to fulfil the law of Moses, to be the substitution for our sins, to rule from the right hand of the father, being our mediator, our high priest, and when Satan goes before the throne, the great accuser and points out our failings, Jesus’s blood covers us, and the father only sees the blood of his son.  Let us start off this next year on the right foot. Let us know Jesus, and more importantly, let us live a life in which Jesus knows and sees us. There will be many people in Hell who knew scripture, who said they knew Jesus, but their heart was in the wrong place. Let us know who He is as Lord, and what can we do to serve Him, not to receive anything in return, but to worship Him because He deserves worship. We do not worship and give so that we may be blessed in return. It is not if you are faithful God will give you everything you want, and if you tithe you will receive bountiful wads of cash in return. If you pray and are faithful enough you will be healed, because none of that is scriptural. 

I leave you with this, 

The FIVE SOLA’s

Sola Gratia- Saved by Grace Alone

Sola Fida – Through Faith Alone

Solus Christus- In Christ Alone

Sola Scriptuara – According to Scripture Alone

Soli Deo Gloria – For the Glory of God Alone 

We are not saved by works, or traditions, or how much we tithe. We are saved by grace, through faith, in the finished works of Christ, according to the word of God (Scripture) and in the Glory of God alone. Have a glorious new year and may God bring blessings upon you, may he create in you a new heart made of flesh. May you be a new creation, and may the Holy Spirit come to you so you may worship and know God. 

Happy New Year 2024. 

Be Steadfast

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Be Steadfast

1 Corinthians 15:58

“58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.”

Paul here is talking about the saved and the victory over death itself, not in the victory of what they have done, but the Christ’s victory we believers and followers have inherited. “O Death, where is your sting, O Hades, where is your victory.” 1 Cor. 15: 55. Our faith in Jesus is rewarded not so much in this life, but in that we have life, eternal life. Death is the final mystery, the finish line that while may be a scary thing to some, is much like the third brother in the Deathly Hallows story from harry potter. “And he met death like an old friend.” Those who are known by Christ, and know Christ should not fear death, but when our work here is finished, and we are called home, that we should embrace that time, and be ready to meet our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

The way is not an easy path. Jesus says this, 

Matthew 7:13-14 

13 “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. 14 Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

Because the gate is so narrow, and Christ himself said the narrow gate of life is a difficult path, we must therefore be steadfast (FIRM), immovable (NOT TO BE MOVED FROM ITS PLACE, UNMOVED). We are told to wear the sandals of the gospel of peace. We are to look at the sandals like Roman Armor. Studded cleats that allowed the soldier to dig in, to push into the dirt to hold ground and never lose it. The way is one of difficulty and challenge, and one with many adversaries, and yet we are given the tools to prevail against difficult times. That no matter what comes your way, to hold your ground, and not give an inch to the enemy who seeks to destroy you. 

“This hill, though high, I covet to ascend; 

The difficulty will not me offend. 

For I perceive the way to life lies here. 

Come, pluck up, heart; let’s neither faint nor fear. 

Better, though difficult, the right way to go, 

Than wrong, though easy, where the end is woe.” 

― John Bunyan, The Pilgrim’s Progress

We all have work to do while here on Earth. This life is one of purpose, and while many seek the meaning of life, it’s actually quite simple, “Love God with all your heart, mind and soul.” In this love, and faith, works are a byproduct. In this faith, it produces works, and your purpose or rather your mission, if your purpose is to love God, then your mission is one of mystery. Everyone has a different mission, or specific mission. The grand mission is to fulfill the great commission. To go and make disciples. 

Matthew 28:18-20

18 And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.

For each of this, this mission looks different. Some will be missionaries here at home, some will go overseas. Some will be pastors, some will be deacons, some will serve in the choir, or just be a good Christian at work and home. Everywhere we go, from home, to Wal-Mart, to the doctor’s office, is the mission field. The go is less relevant, than the do. Make is the action here, wherever you go, make disciples. The work of the Lord is given to every Christian, and the gifts and talents given to every person to help them fulfill this mission is important. Every gift comes from the Lord, and that includes the talents you have been given. Every person is beautifully, and wonderfully made. Crafted to be special, and unique. In my post, ‘Are you special’ I said this “We aren’t special because of the gifts we are given, simply because we are given those gifts to be used to bring glory to God, so before God the gifts he gave us aren’t what makes us special at all.” Our gifts are to be used to bring Glory to God and help us in our mission to share the good news, the hope and love of Jesus Christ. 

Are You Special?

We are special in that we are loved by Christ, but in our uniqueness, we are given gifts, talents to aid us in our quest. We all work in ministry of some way because as I said in ‘Find your ministry’

“Ministry is service to the Body of Christ. Every job, every works in the service to the Lord as according to your gifts is ministry.”

Find Your Ministry

We must never give up and grow wearing of doing these things. Let us recap: Be steadfast/firm, immovable from the path, the way of the truth, the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Against the attacks of the enemy stand firm having been given the Armor of God, the sandals of the Gospel of Peace, to dig into the dirt when the enemy pushes you, attacks you. The work you do is important, and the works we do while not what saves us, are the byproduct of our faith. It is the faith that produces good works in the name of Christ. We want to serve in His name, not for our own pride, nor is it working towards salvation, but we work because we want to share the good news that’s been shared to us. We are not saved by works lest any man should boast. (Ephesians 2:8-10), for we are saved by grace, through faith. 

It is the path of a Christian that is difficult, and sometimes along the way we may feel discouraged. We may feel broken down. The path is not an easy one, and just like a hike up the side of the mountain, there may come a time when you are tired, worn out, discouraged and wanting to quit. This is what the last part of the verse means. “knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord”. When we are walking the narrow path, the hard path, the path of righteousness, we know that no matter what comes our way, no matter the attacks from Satan and his minions, or just the hardships of living in the sinful world, that we know what we do will never be in vein. The Lord will use our works, He will use our efforts for His own Glory. When we want to give up, we must remember that We do not walk this path alone. We do not serve God in a bubble but are joined with the Body of Christ, the other believers we are to surround ourselves with. We are told to bare one another’s burdens. We know that we work, we toil for the Lord, and those works will be used by God to multiply the Kingdom. We may feel useless, or worthless, helpless, or just tired of doing good, but Paul says this: 

Galatians 6:9

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”

God will bless our works if done in Righteousness (Right standing with God). IF, and only if, our works are done for the right reasons, with the right heart, God will bless us, and no matter if we see that blessing on earth in this life or the next, we will see the blessing, but know this, we do not work for the blessings, but to be in the absence of the Lords blessing, would not be Ideal. We have endless choices in our lives, and when we choose to do good, let us do good for the sake of God. Let us do what is right before God and not our own hearts. Let us pick up the Cross, and die to ourselves every day, so we may be more Christlike. Let us put aside the things we love about our sin, but rather put it away with all malice, and choose to do what is right. Let us have faith in God and our Heavenly Father, knowing His way is righteous, and ours is that of death. Find peace inside yourself, not that peace is found in us, but prayer that His perfect peace is placed upon us. We are given His peace, when he said “27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27.” 

One day the journey in this life will end and for me, I have only one hope in that day, the day I meet my Lord and Savior, I hope to hear these words, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” 

Matthew 25:23 23 His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’

I want to know that in my life, while I will undoubtedly let down my God, I will break his heart in my sinfulness, and I will stray from the path, in the end I will bring a smile to His face. I want to know that while my works would never be good enough to earn my way into Heaven, that I would serve in a pleasing way. I want to know that in the end, He is proud of me. We are strong because He gives us his strength. We are powerful because He gives us His power. We are mighty because he gives us his Might. We are warriors for the faith because He is the general over the legion of Angels. We are nothing without Christ, and we find our worth because he values us. Let us humble ourselves and rid ourselves of the sinful Pride. Let us know that power but be full of meekness. Let us never stop the good fight, so one day we can say, I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race. 

Sufficient IS The Word

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Sufficient Is The Word

It’s been 19 years. 19 years since my life changed. I’m not sure why young men are so anxious to go to war. Between personal experience, and how it’s portrayed in movies, young men are all too excited to go to war and fight for what they believe in. The idea of going to war is also one of fear, and we think nothing of what is to come. 

Psalm 144:1 

144 Blessed be the Lord my Rock,

Who trains my hands for war,

And my fingers for battle—

I have told this story many times, the morning was beautiful. There was a quiet in the air. The streets empty, contrast to the normally busy, bustling city. The absence of people could only mean one thing… War. The explosions making trucks disappear, the sound of bullets ricocheting off of the truck, and RPG’s flying overhead and all around the truck, exploding nearby. War was upon us, and the well-coordinated ambush could be our last. But God, had a different plan for us. Early in the ambush my posture changed and I felt a warm feeling come over my body, it came with a strange peace. The feeling of something covering my hands, holding my body still, providing comfort and security, covered my whole body. When the conflict was over, the feeling disappeared, and the emotions flooded to the surface, my body shook, and anyone near me could tell. During the fifteen minutes of hell, the truck was a loud place, screaming and gunfire from the inside, explosions from the outside, and all the while I was at peace. Only upon stopping at the convoy had I learned the fate of my truck. The last mile, the truck would not go faster than around five miles per hour. After my foot came off the gas and the truck stopped running, it would not start again for many weeks. The truck took catastrophic damage, and upon further investigation, the truck had taken so much damage, the major fluids were not present. Oil began spraying the hood, and up onto the windshield. Grace, it seems, covered the truck in protection, and guided us to safety. 

Grace, in this instance, I believe whole heartedly was the Holy Spirit. If not the Holy Spirit, an Angel sent by God to guide us to safety. Either way, sent by God to protect us. God chose to save us, and it would be years before I came to understand the saying of Paul,

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Paul pleaded with God to remove the thorn in his flesh, a messenger of Satan, to buffet him. Why would it take me so long to reach the same conclusion? I had seen death and destruction, and knew it was the Lord that saw me through, but it would take me years to hear in my own head, “your grace is sufficient.” 

We love to live in our sins. We love to think we have control over our own lives. We think God is a cosmic Santa Clause there for our needs and our wants, but we don’t see Him as Lord, just savior. There is a saying, “there are no atheists in a fox hole.” There is so much of God’s beauty in this world, yet, we often ignore the creator, and we as a society have begun to worship the created. 

Isaiah 40:28-31

28 Have you not known?

Have you not heard?

The everlasting God, the Lord,

The Creator of the ends of the earth,

Neither faints nor is weary.

His understanding is unsearchable.

29 He gives power to the weak,

And to those who have no might He increases strength.

30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary,

And the young men shall utterly fall,

31 But those who wait on the Lord

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

If we are to walk in the faith, we must see the world, see the sin, see God in His creation. We must see that God created all, and His grace is what keeps us here. God keeps us here in his Mercy. God gives us these things day to day, and yet we turn to the creation, we turn to the stars, we turn to ourselves, and our idols, before we see an everlasting God. 

In recent years I have often felt weary, and tired. I look to the world to see what’s going on around me, and I find myself broken hearted. How far we, a once shining nation, a nation under God, a light on the hill, has now fallen. Other countries now look to the U.S. as morally bankrupt. A corrupt and leaderless nation, full of debauchery, a nation that now looks more “amoral: having no moral standards, restraints, or principles; unaware of or indifferent to questions of right or wrong: than ever before.” (Dictionary.com) During these times of personal struggle, I have tried to stay firm, and strong, despite the pushback I have experienced. I have been called names, I have been ridiculed, and I have seen people leave out of my life. I have come to realize, it isn’t just God’s grace that is sufficient, but God’s Holy Word also. Scripture is sufficient. Scripture is truth, and no other opinion matters. “The Word of God is the anvil upon which the opinions of men are smashed.” (Charles H. Spurgeon) 

Why did I survive 19 years ago? Why during all the close calls, did I make it home, when so many others did not. 68 combat deaths, and hundreds of purple hearts, and I made it home with just a few scratches, and some emotional scars. God is sovereign, his Will is perfect. 

Isaiah 40:31

31 But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

I cannot fathom today a life without Jesus. I know I would not be here times over, had it not been for Jesus being with me. Having been spared in Iraq, then many times since then, and as I approach yet another anniversary beyond today, I am reminded the power, and mercy, and love of the Father and Christ. I would not be here if it wasn’t for that grace, and I cannot call it luck either. Nothing happens outside of the will of God, so while we say lucky out of habit, in reality, it is God’s will. Perhaps some day I may know why God chose to spare me 19 years ago, along with my crew, but for today, I trust in Him. I remember that day, and find myself thankful. I am thankful for the hardships and the blessings that have come from it. I am thankful for where I am today, even if life today is far from easy. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, and I am thankful for all I have. Some days I break down and cry, hoping for an easier life, hoping for an easier time, but I know if it’s God’s will, He will bring me out of the valley, and I will be at peace. However, in my prayers, and in my hope, I find peace of spirit, even on the battle field today. The war for me in Iraq may be over, but the spiritual war is far from that. I have a new mission, and it’s to provide for my family, and be in constant prayer. Lead my family and pray always. As a man, I am to lead by example. Lead my family in worship at home. Be the spiritual head of the household. Today, and always the Lords grace is sufficient. His will, his love, his Holy word, is sufficient. 

Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

The Battle Continues 

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The Battle Continues: 

It’s been well over a decade since an excited and scared kid ended up in the Middle East. He was filled with honor and duty. He thought he could single handedly save the day, or die in a blaze of glory. The truth was much less glorious. The days were long and hot, and difficult to the core of his being. The time for training was over, and the realization that every day could be the last on Earth, didn’t escape him. The desert heat and the sand that came with was a constant reminder he wasn’t in Michigan anymore. The constant bang of outgoing artillery, along with the sound of helicopters, and then the not so occasional incoming mortars and rockets kept the adrenalin at an unhealthy but necessary high. Was he broken already, because his fight or flight seemed to be. He barely winced when the explosions occurred at random throughout the day. At one point several months in that dingy and dirty place, he was on the roof, the faint pops of incoming rounds and yet, he stood tall upon the building, watching the rounds fall from the sky and the impacts causing dust and debris to fill the air. What was wrong with him, that these things didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. Months prior less than a month into the deployment a well-planned ambush locked his crew in a dangerous game of surviving the maze. The enemy was ready and planned the route, a kill box. A few hundred to two. Two trucks against a couple hundred of well-armed insurgents. With IED’s *Road Side Bombs, set in wait, along with hundreds of armed men and even some women with shoulder fire rockets *RPG’s, and rifles. What hope could a couple trucks have against multiple city blocks of the house of terrors? The answer would come in the most unusual way. Psalm 144:1-2 “Blessed be the Lord my Rock,

Who trains my hands for war, And my fingers for battle— 2 My lovingkindness and my fortress,

My high tower and my deliverer, My shield and the One in whom I take refuge, Who subdues my people under me.” My fingers and hands were indeed trained for war, and in the middle of the battle I felt as if a presence had taken over my hands, guiding me, showing me how to get out of the kill zone. A sense of peace in the middle of the battle took hold of me. While there were screams of war surrounding me, and the sounds of weapons fire, explosions, and a dying truck, peace was with me. Holy Spirit, Angel sent by the Lord, I can’t say, but I know we were delivered by God from the midst of battle. The battle wages on in my head on a regular basis, but not so much as the fateful day when the world changed, the scars left behind would forever alter that kid who went to war as a kid, but would emerge something else. 

“War is Hell” (Sherman) This seems so simplistic yet, real. War never really leaves us. “War, it doesn’t leave you. It… It can, it can bury itself, but it’s, it’s always there.” (Christine Chapel, ST. SNW) 

War, leaves a mark, one that most cannot see. The things soldiers see in the course of their duty is that of nightmares, things we have become desensitized too in our lives due to Hollywood. Those who choose to wear the uniform bare the burdens of nightmares, and emotional scars, so that others may not have too. Freedom comes at a high price, and love it, or hate the politics involved, some bullies need to be stopped. Some battles must be waged by those who can, to protect those who can’t. The time to act was put before us, and no matter the truth as to why we were there, we were in fact there. The politics, and the reasons no longer mattered when the mission had become survive and to the best you can to impact your area in the most positive way possible. Attempt to bring peace and prosperity to where you were. Scripture says “18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18. Some days, the war comes to you, it hurts, it breaks you, and leaves you down on the floor, wondering how, why, did it all come to this? 

The destruction of one Humvee is always a risk, one that the higher ups deemed as an acceptable one. The missions came daily, and all we soldiers could do was hope they were worth it. The explosion rings in my mind every day. The sight of the plomb of black smoke, one tan door a hundred feet into the sky, and a soldiers worst nightmare became reality. Four dead. What happened in those hours would both destroy lives, and create a new family. Tragedy often brings people together in ways that still surprises me. How do we get through such gruesome and tragic endings? Time, prayer, and family. War leaves a mark, and it never leaves. Some days, something comes to mind and it picks at the wounds, causing it to bleed, to tear open, and there is often little comfort. 

Psalm 23

23 The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

We cannot change the past, and we cannot ignore it either. When the days come that the war comes back, we must give it, it’s due. We must acknowledge it, see it for what it is, and deal with it accordingly. Finding peace in tragedy is one of the hardest things a soldier will do. The training of a soldier is to change that person, train them to do the things that are opposite to human nature. Self-preservation is built into a personal DNA, yet a soldier will often run towards danger, stand tall, fight. A soldier will put those feelings into a box and put that box under lock and key in a closet with another door and lock, all to face the danger in front of them, and to be able to do so effectively. Soldiers, firefighters, police, doctors and nurses, all face these kinds of things. How does someone see their friends blown up, see the wreckage and sleep at night? Time, and effort, therapy, and prayer. There is no cure for the battle, but we can train ourselves to face the new type of warfare. The training to be a soldier takes a long time, sometimes years, but the truth is, you’ll never stop being a soldier, not really. Learning how to be something more when the soldering is done, takes a lot of time, and effort, but there is hope, because while you will never stop being a soldier, there is a way to be more. We are not defined by just one thing in our lives, parent, child, graduate, soldier, spouse, Christian. Psalm 23, a man, a soldier, a shepherd, a king, a husband, father, adulterer, murderer, judge, a man after God’s own heart, David held many tags for his life. How do we survive the trials and tribulations in life? Faith. We must have faith that God the Father is in control on the throne. We must have faith that our pain is not in vein. We must trust that while Satan often means things for our harm, for the Christian, God can and will use everything we go through for good. Will we stumble and fall? Sure we will. Will we have days when the PTSD hits us strong like a heavy weight punch to the face, absolutely. But through it all, scripture gives us all we need. Romans 5:1-5 5 “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” 

Life isn’t going to be an easy time as a Christian. Sometimes we must fight the good fight. Sometimes we must put on the war vest and do our best to bring peace. Sometimes we have to stand up for those who can’t stand for themselves. No matter the battles, the hardships, the trials, we know we have a King, a Lord, a Savior who understands, and is there with us. We know the vail was torn and we have a direct line to the God of the Universe and we can turn to seek his face any time, day or night. We know that he is with us, and we will never be alone. We know he will never leave, nor will He forsake us. And we know that when we seek his forgiveness in true repentance, we will be forgiven. While we were soldiers, we who follow Christ, are both soldiers of our country, but also soldiers for Christ, the General of the Fathers army of Angels and men. We are part of the war for souls, and we are called to go forth, make disciples, baptize in His *Jesus name. We are called to fight the good fight. How do we carry on from war, we realize that one war is over, and the next begins. We fight for Jesus, and he fights for us. We sacrifice for Jesus, because he sacrificed for us. We seek his face, because he sought ours. We are strong not of our own will, but the strength He gives to us. He gives us refuge when we need refuge. He corrects us when we are wrong, holds us when we weep. 

Take the battle one day at a time, and put your assurance upon the Lord of Lords. Cast your burdens upon him, and he will guide you. We were not given a spirit of fear, but one of Courage. Fight the good fight, and never give up, and never surrender. 

At Years End 2022

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The world isn’t a place for everyone. For some, the world is only paradise they will ever know. The price of darkness may never feel the need to attack you. See, this world can be like a prison. For some, they will stay inside their walls freely, never seeking to escape, never reaching for the open door. For others, the prison like those in the matrix, they can feel something is wrong with the world. “It is all around you, even in this very room. You can see it when you look out the window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.” (The Matrix) so many people are content eating their steak, and going about their day to day lives without care for the truth. People die young, cancer attacks a child, the wife has an affair and destroys everything. There is betrayal, and lies, and hardships beyond imagining. When was the last time you saw public outcry against Muslims, against their belief that homosexuality is a sin? Or that in Muslim countries there are strict laws against it. When was the last time you heard the outcry against Buddhism? Why is the world not attack other faith? I believe the answer is clear, why would Satan put time attacking something that isn’t true? Satan doesn’t see the others as a threat so there is no need to put his forces against falsehoods.

Sin does not need to be taught. Sin comes naturally in this world. We often cry out to God upset at the Father because of calamity that befalls us. How much of our struggle is of our own making? How much is caused by our own actions, our own lust of the selfishness and narcissistic behavior that lives in sin? When we are not walking with God we get mad at God for allowing disaster. Judgment comes in many ways to those who mock Gods commandments. When we are silent in our hearts about the sin that infiltrates and destroys our communities, judgment is imminent. We have spit in the face of God. We have turned our backs on His teachings. We have neglected his commands and commissions. Now as the world turns to darkness we cry out asking for salvation.

The path to destruction is wide and the way to salvation is narrow. The struggle in which we find ourselves can be seen as tests, or as a forge. In the military we train as we fight. We prepare for battle by simulating battle. We seek knowledge, and stamina by continually training. In a world clouded in darkness, those who wish to fight back, to stand firm against the enemy, must be forged into something new. You must be born again, for only those born again will enter the Kingdom of God. (John 3) If we are born again don’t we need to be trained for our new selves? Don’t we need to be taught and prepare for the obstacles we face in our new lives?

2022 was a rough year. From injuries, to illness, to setbacks in personal areas in my life, to kidney stones, to infections. After all the injuries and sickness, disappointment set in. On top of everything else, the longest run of depression i’ve ever had, had turned an already difficult year, into a battle of battles. What else would make for a truly awful year? Chronic pain. Chronic pain often brings forth and exasperates depression, fatigue, and of course pain. The hardships faced this year, for some would turn them a way from God. For me, it draws me near to Him. Does this mean, life isn’t full of frustration, or hardships of emotions. Of course this journey is hard, and full of emotions, but Jesus knows our difficulties. It’s precisely why the hope He offers is so much more important. What is it we fear? “Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. (Matthew 10:28)” In Jesus we not only find our hope, but our peace. “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. (John 14:27)”

Have I not seen Jesus in my life? Have I not felt his presence rest upon me as the enemy bared down to murder me? Have I not heard the voice of the Father, breathe new life into my lungs as life drifted away from my body? Faith, is an essential and interesting thing. What was it Jesus said to Thomas? “Jesus said to him, “Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed. (John 20:29)” I have seen, and I have believed. This does not make the journey less difficult, or even emotionally easier, but it does mean I have hope. It means there is rest at the end of this long race I run. Jesus overcame Sin, broke the chains that held us. We will have hardships, and trials, and even at times, we will be broken hearted. Faith in Jesus, and the path set before us is one many will endeavor to walk, but will fall away, run away, or stay away from. Jesus through the word, the Logos, has given us everything we need to traverse the difficult road ahead. We have his Word, the Helper (Holy Spirit) to be our guide. We do not travel alone but the brotherhood (sisterhood) of those who also follow the way. We have the testimony of those who walked before us and left us the eyewitness statements. We have the martyrs who gave up everything for the truth. We have our fellow believers who walk with us today. We have all the tools to manage through this struggle, and the Lord our God, prepares the called, he does not call the equipped. Blessed are the meek, the poor, the gentle, those who mourn, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, merciful, pure of heart, the peacemakers, the persecuted, and those insulted and persecuted because thy follow Christ. We must have faith in our path and lean not of our own understanding. We must trust the Father in the hardships we face. We must learn from our mistakes and be honest of our sinful actions and deeds. We must hold ourselves accountable and responsible to Gods law, not the law of Man which spits in the face of the Father. As darkness spreads and becomes all the more intense, allow Christ to shine through you ever more brightly. Snuff out the darkness, not of our own doing but that of the Lords work through us. We never know whom watches us, or the purpose of a thing, but we know, through Lord all things are possible. All hope resides in Him. For it is in Him miracles still happen. It is in Him, the lost see the light. It is in Him our actions may bring glory and honor to His name.

Let us lift up the Lord Jesus name and praise him in the storm. Let us worship Him in the rain, the sunshine, the coldest of nights, and the hottest of days. Be of good cheer and rejoice and sing Hallelujah, for even now Emanuel, Emanuel on the highest. Worry not about today, nor tomorrow. Trust in the Lord your God and fight the good fight, till He calls you home.

CHRISTmas Time Is Here

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CHRISTmas Time Is Here

As the clock ticks the time many boys and girls cannot wait for, Christmas. The songs of Christmas cheer fill homes across the world. Some places have bright Christmas lights glistening off the pure white snow. Some prepare for Christmas in the dark hidden places of their homes afraid for the world to know it’s Christmas time. Christmas is celebrated all over the world, a time for most is a joyous occasion, but sadly a bitter sweet, and sometimes bitter for others. While many will see a large fellow in a red jacket and a long white beard, yes I’m talking about Santa, others will see the manger and a baby laying in swaddling clothes. Christmas time, a confusing time, a time where capital, and faith collide. 

I was in Walmart recently and while I was there I noticed Santa Clause all over the place. I began to look for Jesus in the hustle and bustle, the noise of the store. It took me a while, but I found a small section in the Christmas Isle, that had the manger scene. Nothing fancy, just cheap wooden sets, sets that weren’t complete either. How sad I became that the real reason for the season, the only true cause to celebrate was buried and overlooked. While I don’t begrudge the idea of Santa, from his true origins, and I must admit some of my favorite movies involve the fat man in the long white beard, unless it’s Kurt Russel in “Christmas Chronicles”. Saint Nicolaus the real man, born probably around A.D. 280 was considered to be a sweet and benevolent man. While his legend grew, he was indeed just a man. The only magic he had was his belief in Jesus Christ, and the love he shared was indeed the commandment of “Love your Neighbor as yourself.” Only following behind “And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” Matthew 22:37. How quickly we forget, or choose to ignore the real meaning of Christmas. 

It’s easy to get swept up in the commercial of Christmas. Why, even back in 1947 when “Miracle on 34th St.” Aired, the theme was about bringing the spirit of Christmas back to the home, and getting away from the commercializing and capitalization of selling toys and goods. There’s nothing wrong with gifts, sure, it’s nice to receive, but for me, I love to give. I am a gift buying fool. I buy gifts not just at Christmas, but all year round. I find it to be a thrill to see the joy on someone’s face when they are shocked or surprised. Of course I enjoy getting gifts also, but for me, I remember Christmas, as in CHRISTmas. While not accurate, the story of the little drummer boy gifting all he had to Jesus was music from his Drum. How sweet a story, that in ways of worship we all have a special gift, something we can do for Jesus to celebrate his Birth. Yes, I know Jesus was not born on December 25th, but regardless, it’s the day we celebrate, and however we got here aside, it’s here, and we can chose to be a scrooge because of how we got here, or, we can choose to celebrate together in love , and in love, with love, for our Savior Jesus Christ. 

This Christmas Blue’s. Yes, the Christmas blue’s are a real thing. My family has lost members on Christmas eve, Christmas Day, and now as the family dwindles, the joyful noise of Christmas past, is now but a memory. This year, sickness came to my household, and it looks like Christmas day may be spent in separation. Saddened by this, I have found myself struggling to listen to Christmas music the last few days. Has the joy of Christmas failed me this year? It’s hard to remain positive when the world throws so much negativity your way. When you’re down, depressed, downtrodden, it’s easy pickings for the Lion, a ravaging, hunter of convenience to pounce on you. It is not beneath a lion to snack on a dead carcass brought down by another animal. Opportunity is key, and when you are low, Satan takes that opportunity to strike. There are many people around the world struggling with loss, sadness, hopelessness, and depression, illness, etc. These people may be alone, or even surrounded by family, but struggle to find Christmas cheer. Indeed, I say to you, let us lift them up in prayers. Let us pray earnestly for those struggling this year. Let us pray for the souls still lost, the souls heartbroken, and the souls in need of healing. Without Christmas there is no Easter, and without CHRIST, there is not CHRISTmas, and without that there is no hope, only darkness. It doesn’t matter when we celebrate, but that we do celebrate. Jesus is worth celebration, and I would say, keep Christmas in your heart year round. Keep Joy in your heart as told by Christ, because he overcame the world. He overcame the darkness, and gave us light. Let us look upon the beautiful Christmas lights this year and be reminded that even one tiny Christmas light can snuff out the darkness, so let us multiply the light, let us be the moon and reflect the light of Christ for all the world to see. Let us light up the darkness this Christmas. Joy to the world, the savior reigns. Emanuel came to be with us, and lives. Emanuel defeated death, bore the ugliness of sin, and cleansed the spirits for those who would follow him. The beautiful sound of Angels singing that glorious night as they lit up the sky with the wonders of Heaven proclaiming the long-awaited messiah had come. Let us not be silent, but cheer, and worship him. Let us remember that Christmas is here, the Christ has come, and the spirit lives on. Let us be like Saint Nick, spreading hope to those who have none. Let us be like the woman at the well, so excited to meet the messiah she left her belongings behind to share the good news with all who would listen. Let us have a fervor to rip open a roof for our friend, just at the chance to meet and see, and be healed by the savior of the universe. Let us not put the lantern under a basket, but instead rise high upon the mountain, and let not this world silence you. Fight the darkness, and fight for Jesus. For soon the Messiah comes and when he does, all the knees shall bow, and all the tongues shall confess, you are Lord. 

Merry CHRISTmas too all, and Happy Birthday Jesus. 

Merry CHRISTmas 2022

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This world Forges us. Shapes us. Tests us. Do we put our faith in God? Do we know and understand who the true enemy is? Do we understand the importance of spiritual warfare? Do we allow the fire to forge us into something else? Or do we come out cracked and brittle? Do we take up the armor of God daily, and withstand the attacks of the Devil and his legion of demons? Do we know God by the study of his word? Do we trust the world and false teachers pushing us to and fro by the wind in the waves? Do we have cheer for the child born unto a virgin, celebrated by the angels on high? Faith in what we did not see but trust those who did and wrote to tell us about the child born a King, who overcame the chasm between the Father and man, who forgave us in his dying breaths. A death that would not hold but in 3 days rose again as the scripture foretold. The sun rise in the East, giving the age of man hope and the curse of sin, broken, a sentence of death laid aside and sinner washed of their sin made perfect upon death, and moving straight to Heaven. A belief in the Sun, Jesus, mind, and body for being a whosoever the choice is clear. Love god, love your neighbor. Merry Christmas neighbor, let love shine as bright as the star the Magi followed to find the little King.

Path In The Dark

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Path In The Dark

Recently I was asked why it was I don’t write as much as I once had. Or, why I haven’t written lately. I must admit it was a fairly thought-provoking question. If I’m honest with myself, the reason I haven’t written, or filmed any new YouTube videos, isn’t very flattering. I suppose the biggest part of the question is being honest, and truly giving it thought. It’s always easy to make up something, and blow it off like it’s no big deal, but that’s not being honest, and worst of all it’s not being honest to myself. Sometimes the truth is painful, and it isn’t easy to say out loud. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit what’s been buried or kept deep down. So, what’s the truth? I’ve been afraid as Colonel Jessep once said, “You can’t handle the truth.” 

The truth is, after returning from the war, about a year after, I had a fairly significant break down, which led to me being diagnosed with PTSD. This led to me going into a therapy which at the time was fairly new and revolutionary. I went to the EMDR therapy for several weeks, working on my war time trauma. While this left me better, and in more control over the PTSD, I was left with long lasting issues, one of which was MDD, or Major Depressive Disorder. Not long after I would leave the military due to a knee injury. I would go through some significant problems in the years to come after the military, to include two very rough and hard divorces. So, what does all that mean for me now? Let us fast forward till 2022. This year I have been met with some significant challenges. In march I was assaulted at my job, and left me with a significant chest injury, and ankle injury. The ankle in October is still not back to what it was before March. March was the last time I would work. In June I would suffer a significant knee injury, which still is not healed. Within months of the Knee, I would have a major kidney stone that would take months to remove by surgery, which the healing time has been 5 weeks so far as of this writing. These injuries and illnesses have prevented me from doing most of the physical activities I would enjoy. In August of 2022 I would have a freak neck injury, which recently found out to be a worsening of a bulged disc in my neck, which has been problematic since my neck surgery in 2017. So, as you can see, this year has been one injury after another. 

The next part, I would like to preface, God works everything out. God’s plan is greater than our plans, and his understanding is beyond anything we could ever comprehend. In September I was passed over for a position I had applied for. Hindsight it was for the best due to my current disability status, but for me the hurt was real, and at the time I didn’t know I was going to see my disability status change. Regardless of the change in my status, the hardest part is feeling like I’m no longer needed. I guess I could say for several months I have felt like I’ve been fairly useless. Doing yard work has been such a challenge, that even when I do the work, the toll is very steep. The price I pay for a day’s worth of work around the yard, is two to three days of significant back and neck pain. The emotional toll is worse than the physical one. Feeling like I am useless at church, feeling like my contributions are small and not feeling needed anymore, to knowing how hard it is, and how little I can do around my own home is detrimental. My self-esteem has taken a major hit, and this year, for the vast majority of the year my emotional state has been fairly bad. In fact, my depression levels have been in the severe range for months (as of this writing). 

Depression these last several months has made it difficult for me to do even the most basic of tasks… Laundry, dishes, straightening clutter, vacuuming, dusting. Then there’s the more significant stuff, hanging out with friends, wanting to go do anything, exorcising what I can. There were several months I wouldn’t watch new shows because it required too much thought. Reruns were more comfortable and safer. My self-esteem has been so low I have not had many positive thoughts about myself in months. I looked at myself as being a failure. I questioned my value in life. I questioned my worth and my purpose. 

Most of my depression has been kept a secret. In public I smile, I laugh, I joke, and I say everything’s going fine. The only thing the average person knew was my physical issues, largely because I couldn’t hide them. My depression has been so bad I have had a hard time reading anything new, studying, and even listening to any new podcasts. The only thing that hasn’t been too affected is my prayer life, but even that isn’t where it should be. I have struggled so much, I haven’t been able to get myself to study to film my vlog. 

I have sat back and, on many days, I have had my phone next to me and it never rang. No text, no calls, no messages. I have sat up night after night suffering through insomnia with no one to talk too. I have felt useless, not needed, not wanted, broken, and lonely. 

I am very aware of the spiritual warfare I have been enduring this year. I have been in prayer about it, and I have asked for guidance and His strength to see me through. I have not given up hope, and I do not write because I look for pity, or sympathy. I have learned, sometimes writing is just good for the soul. Sometimes it’s good to put down what you feel to paper. I don’t know where my tomorrow goes, and what I’m supposed to do with it, but I know I trust God and His plan. I know I am not alone even though most of the time it feels like it. Two of the hardest things to deal with is having these new physical restrictions, and feeling like I am no longer needed, which in turn has made me question what my purpose was. Sadly, I am no closer to finding it than I was 3 months ago. Finding that I would be passed over for a job, was hard for me. The fact it happened and it didn’t seem like anyone cared about how it felt. No one asked if I was okay, or checked on me. The day the announcement was made, it was smiles, and laughs, and I was with everyone. It hurt deeply that no one, not one, said anything to me about how it must feel knowing how much I wanted that position. As I said, it’s a blessing now because I’m 100% disabled, but that’s only hind-sight. It was very emotionally painful to go through that. The following months my presence has felt more and more unnecessary.

I don’t know much these days, and watching as my health concerns get worse, and now getting to the point where I need help, I am left with financial concerns for how to take care of my family. I am left with physical concerns, how to take care of the home, emotional concerns, where I am meant to be and what to do. I am a late 30’s year old man, who lives in a tent, on a small fixed income, with a body that’s failing, a purpose that seems to be gone, in a place I feel useless. Whether this is true or not, it’s how I feel. As I said before, I know this is all spiritual warfare and I know God is in control, and I trust in Him, and I still have joy, and I look forward to the day I see Jesus in Heaven. I look forward to the day my body is restored and no longer broken. I look forward to the day when the hardships of my past are no longer a burden to carry. While there are things in this life I still want to experience, I cannot deny the daily hardships. Chronic pain is not easy to deal with, especially when it keeps you in bed. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I will continue to wake up every day the Lord has me in this world. I will continue to ask his grace and mercy, and forgiveness for my shortcomings. I will continue to ask for His guidance and will for my life. I will continue to ask his hand be put over me to give me courage, and strength to keep pushing forward and getting up every day. The mountain of stuff I’ve experienced this year have been considerable, I cannot deny the toll it’s taken on me both physically and emotionally. To say it’s been a struggle has been an understatement. While I still have new physical stuff to deal with, and a crushing weight of emotional hardships, I will keep up the fight and do the best I can. I guess, the moral of the story is, whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. My situation may not be the same is yours, but we all have our hardships to face. Keep seeking God and keep looking to him for guidance. You’re not alone out there, and while I cannot ever promise it’ll get better in this lifetime, I can promise heaven, the promise Jesus gave to us, that all who truly believe in him, repent of sins, and Love God with all your heart, will enter into the kingdom, a place of perfection. Hope is in Jesus, and knowing Him, and growing your relationship with him, well… That’s what’s kept me going. People will fail you. Struggles will befall you. Your body may grow frail, but Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is there, and his promise is stronger than anything known to man. Know Jesus, and let him into your heart. Let him transform you, so that even in the heart of the storm, you have peace, and joy. While I do live with major depressive disorder and other physical issues, I have maintained joy in my heart. Not for another day here on Earth, but that when my job here is done, whatever that may be, I’ll be able to go home. I’ll be able to leave this body, for a new one. I’ll be able to dance with the angels and rejoice over the King of Kings. I have prayed that when I get to Heaven, I’ll have a better singing voice so I can sing praises pleasing to the ear. Dance without pain for the Lord. Be at peace. 

Life was never going to be easy. Living in this world was going to come with trails and hardships, but through it all, Jesus gives us light and hope. You’re not alone and if you need help, reach out to someone. Find someone who can listen. Seek those who would give you Godly counsel. Seek those who will help you bear the burden and lift you up when you need it. Never stop seeking God and his guidance. Never stop the prayers and above all, don’t lose hope. May God bless you, and be with you, always. 

Finding Value

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You will never be able to please everyone. You will not always be valued by everyone. You may question your own value, your own place in this world. You may feel like you’re all alone in a sea of people. You may downplay your worth. You may feel ignored or pushed aside. The truth is, this isn’t uncommon. These attacks of spiritual warfare are designed to wedge between you and the Father. No matter how you feel, the reality is sinners cannot be the determining factor of your value. Sinners will always let you down, and fail you. Our value comes from Christ alone. We have value only because Christ values us. It’s the love Christ gives to us that makes us valuable. There is sentimental value on us even though we are enemies of God. It’s here we find ourselves. Not by which the world says we have value, which is selfish idol worship, but rather in the Love the Father gives knowing every intricate part of us, since He knitted us together and knew us before the formation of the universe. Do not fall victim to the fancy and shiny lure of the world, but understand what true love is, what true love looks like. That’s where you’ll find your real worth, your real value. That’s where you will find true love.