In 2016 that bullet changed everything. In the spring of 2018 I embarked on a journey to find something. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I knew I wanted friends, and I thought if I journeyed into the unknown, that friends would be what I’d find. I was wrong. I didn’t find friends at all on my odyssey, instead what I found was pain inside that needed to come out. While not all odysseys are the same, this one had a fire. I didn’t know it at the time, but when I was asked to make the fire, make it large, I didn’t know just how impactful the next few hours would be. See, I had been diagnosed with PTSD in the military. The memories I had were on two lines of track. The facts on one line of track, while the emotions on the other, but they didn’t connect. I could go through an event so robotically, so methodically, that it seemed as if I were a hardened police officer giving just the facts of the case to the press, but not showing a glimpse of emotion. The problem with this of course was the occasions in which the emotional side was triggered and I was left a pile of wet, soggy mess from a pool of tears, in which I sat. I didn’t know it at the time, but God had put me exactly where I needed to be.
The night cool, but clear. The stars shown, and while there was some light pollution, the smell of spring was in the air, and the night sky illuminated the ground. We had an event, that, for the protection of others who may embark on this journey, I will leave to the imagination, but ultimately, what I left next to that bon-fire that night was a whole bunch of pain and heartache. What I found was self-worth. I went to that odyssey a broken man. I hurt from my wife’s affair, and divorce. I hurt from years of abuse and betrayals. I was carrying everything with me, all the good, the bad and the ugly. I kept it in a ruck sack of my own making, and I was trying to journey up the mountain being over encumbered by so much extra weight. I had no idea I was carrying so much. I had no idea that much of my unhappiness stemmed from the hurt that all that was baring me down with. No wonder I wasn’t happy. No wonder I had so much pain and self-loathing. I truly hated myself for who I was. I saw myself as weak for crying. I saw myself as broken for having two wives cheat on me and leave me. I saw myself as unlovable. I saw myself as the common denominator for either choosing women who weren’t good for me, or pushing them to do awful things. Why was I so broken? Why did everyone leave me who I cared about? Everyone from my mother, my first love (For the sake of privacy let’s call her Sam). Sam would leave me and it would create in me a standard of women who wouldn’t stay. Every girlfriend I had after that, and two wives would leave me. That night by the fire, I realized something, sometimes people come and go in your life. Sometimes people fall to their own desires, and sometimes paths just diverge. Instead of carrying every bit of everything I would go through, I needed to be more selective about what it was I, with intention carried with me on my journey.
Isaiah 43:18-19 says this:
18 “Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
19 “Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.
We must learn to be more like the Sword of Griffandor. Be strong, be forged in the sanctification of our Lord Jesus Christ. Allow Him to shape our hearts, and our lives to look like Him. We cannot be forged like this though if we hold onto everything of the past. We cannot see clearly God’s kingdom if we are constantly looking for it through the eyes of pain, hurt, heartbreak, jealousy, pride, and sin. Much like our vision becomes unreliable when we are drunk, to seek the kingdom of God we must be sober minded, and we must recognize these hurts, and face them. We must begin putting down on our journey up the mountain, all that does not make you better. All the hurt, the mistrust, the heartbreaks, the regrets, the doubts, the fear, the anger, the shame, the sadness, all must be dropped. Those giant boulders cannot remain in your pack for the journey.
Standing next to the fire I saw something different. I could survive. I could move forward, with a lighter pack. Does this mean that in one instant everything is magically better? No, but it’s a start. I had a ways to go in my recovery, but during my Odyssey, I found the start of my new path. I went through my gear, and shed the weight I didn’t need for the journey. Now, many years later, I am a peer mentor for the odyssey program. Years later I still partake in many Wounded Warrior events, and I help serve that community the best I can. Finding my worth, and having self-value all started next to that fire so many years ago. Today, no matter where you are, you can find that in yourself also. This life is a journey, and offers the opportunity for the Lord to forge you. In order to make a beautiful sword, we must be heated, placed into the fire, and then we must allow the Lord to pound on us. Remove our impurities. Remove all that makes us weak and brittle. We must be placed into the fire over, and over again. We must go through the forging process and eventually be so clean, shiny, that the Lord can see Himself in us. We must train and become proficient in the word if we are to be swords in this life. We must hone our skills, and continue to keep the sword sharp and clean. We must continue our daily sanctification process, and allow the Lord to prepare us for battle. Do not allow rust to build up and destroy the once beautiful blade. Find faith in the Lord. Find your truth in His word, and be willing to let the Lord, King of the universe, to be Lord over your life. This life is a long journey, let us shed what we don’t need, the things that slow us down, the things that hurt us, and focus on the Lord, seek first the kingdom of God. How do we find the cure for anxiety?
Matthew 33:25-34 The Cure for Anxiety
25 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Go my friends, go seek God. Go, continue to climb that mountain, and lighten your burden. Go, and love God, love your neighbors, and without the sin of pride, love yourself. You are loved and valued by God. Let go of the sin that binds you. Let go of the hurt that binds you. Let go, and let God break those bonds, those chains that have kept you down. Start the healing today, and together, God and you will grow closer together, and you will find beautiful healing. Together, you can face tomorrow a different person. Together you can conquer that mountain.
With recent events affecting my recovery, I have been inundated with emotions. We think I may have something called Diaphragmatic stimulation. This could be caused by one of the leads for my pacemaker. It not only causes spasms of the diaphragm, but breathing issues, and the spams cause pain in my ribs. It’s quite painful. On top of that, after a 15 hour stay in the emergency department, three days later, and I am sick. Coincidence? I think not. Now, I can add coughing to the list of things causing me distress. However, while this is part of the emotions I’m feeling at the moment, there is something else, siblings. I have recently found one of the two of my siblings, and have attempted to open a dialog with them. Not everyone communicates as I do, and I often have unrealistic expectations of people. This, has led me to having feelings, that I really cannot verify as realistic, or based on facts. During DBT one of the things that kept with me was the ‘Check the Facts’ sheet. We had to match our feelings to facts. And if they were facts, do the level of feelings, match the situation. While, in part the feelings I have right now are legit, the question is what is the cause? Obviously, the cause of my feelings is the lack of reciprocal conversation, but realistically, what is causing the lack of reciprocal conversation? That’s the point where my investigation ends. In my mind, I have been distressed that this is being caused because they don’t care. They want nothing to do with me. Why hasn’t my sister reached out? Does she not want to talk? Why doesn’t she want to talk? Things aren’t always as they appear to be.
One of the things I have struggled with in my life is trusting in God’s timing. When I was younger, I struggled with relationships. I was kind of the ugly duckling, except I stayed the ugly duckling. In middle school while people where pairing off and I developed my first crush, she was the beauty of the school. I fell ‘in love’ with her. It was a crush, a heavy heartfelt crush, but still a crush. She however wanted nothing to do with me. How could anyone care for someone who looked like me. I was a nerd also, I was never going to find anyone. Then, when I did, it took me moving to a new school, three hours away. There, my relationship life flourished. I did date, and I did fall in love, the real kind of love where it was reciprocated. But, there were times when I didn’t wait for God, and I made my own choices, which eventually led to destruction, and despair. I once again experienced these feelings in Korea, when I couldn’t hardly get a woman to talk to me, let alone go on a date. I felt discouraged. Eventually things would turn around, but as one relationship ended after another, me being the one getting dumped, I had a realization… I was the common denominator. I would rush to get married to a woman who was in reality, broken. We had a great relationship for a little while, till we moved to Germany. Then slowly but surely that relationship turned sour, and she’d have an affair. Then a few years later I’d get married again, and that one lasted seven years, before, she’d have an affair also. The second one I held on to for a long time. I wasn’t going to go through divorce again. I was left a broken man, so much so, it put me in the hospital. I was impatient, and it showed in the types of relationships I got into. I have often had a problem where I don’t wait for God to give me the green light on something, or I want God to move faster.
Psalm 13:1 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
I have used this verse a few times in recent weeks to highlight the normal reaction to call out to God, but specifically, the ‘how long’. We often want God to move today. Israel waiting 400 years before God broke the silence. Could you imagine going 400 years without hearing from God? We often don’t want to wait a few weeks, or even a couple years, but 400? While I’ve been waiting for my brother to reach out, and I’ve been littered with thoughts, I can only guess, that Satan is the one whispering in my ears. The helmet while it may protect my mind from many things, the Devil is cunning. The truth is, I don’t know much about my brother, and I cannot say if he’s willfully ignoring me, or if it’s something else. The Devil would have me believe he’s ignoring me, but is that because in time, I may be able to share God’s word with him? Or, in reality, the Devil is my enemy, and I fight with him on a daily basis. I don’t know who wrote it, some have claimed C.S. Lewis, but regardless this quote has stuck with me, “My prayer is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.” Obviously there is some theological questions here, such as does hell rejoice, but the point of the quote to me, is that when I die the demons and Satan will be glad I am no longer here on this battlefield. I need to take a moment to pray though, and not come to snap conclusions in which I have no evidence to support it.
We cannot always know what God’s plan is, or how something fits into the grand scheme of things. We cannot know what someone is thinking all the time, especially when you don’t know them. You don’t know what someone is going through, unless they’ve told you. There’s a common phrase going around, ‘everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Many people fight, and keep it to themselves. It’s important to not see yourself on an island. If you put yourself on an island, you are essentially putting yourself in your own version of purgatory. In 2017 I wrote this, and oddly enough, it’s just as valid today, as it was them.
We must not get stuck in our feelings, and one thing I have noticed about myself recently, is that I am using compartmentalization again in my life. Thankfully, this time around, I know that my trauma, or hardships cannot stay in that box for long. It’s important that we seek God and trust in His power and sovereignty to see us through hardships. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.” This isn’t an easy thing, and takes a lot of effort and practice, but I assure you, the more you dive into scripture, and the more you get closer to God, the easier troubled waters become to navigate. We must take time and just like practicing a sport, we must put effort into growing closer to God. IF we do not seek Him, then how do we get to know Him? If we do not study and grow within His Holy Bible, then how do we know what’s right or wrong for our lives? We must not make assumptions about God, just as we must not make assumptions about people. Grow in the Lord and bury His word to the roots of your heart, so it would spring forth a beautiful tree of God’s attributes. Let your faith produce good works, and let your love in God produce beautiful faith. Go in peace, and in love, and face those demons with the Lords word as your shield, and as your two edged sword, cutting deep like a scalpel. Let the Lords will be done in your life, seek patience in your ways, your path, and your thoughts. Be calm and give the benefit of the doubt where you can.
Sometimes in our life, things happen that move us from one place to another. In ancient days, Jesus, was moved for His safety from Nazareth, to Egypt. Today, in my life, I moved from one place, rural, to the urban city. Personally, I’m not a city boy, so living in the city, is always a challenge for me. Moving into the city has stressed and challenged my personal life like little has in a long time. Not only has my life turned upside down, heart surgery, moving, now, I have new relationships, which challenge my emotions. My battle zone has changed, and now, I find myself learning to fight in a far distant land.
The Apostles, after the day of Pentecost, began to spread themselves to share the gospel. They left the comfort of their homes, and found themselves in hostile territory. Missionaries of today are the most like the Apostles of old. Even though we don’t always pick up our stuff and carry on wherever we need to go for God, we are called wherever we go, to share the gospel. The life of those who are followers of Christ, will find themselves in battles, and those battles will vary in difficulty. Recently the battles I’ve faced have been different than anything I’ve faced in the past. All the experience of the past however, the good and the bad, have prepared me for such battles.
How can we know we are ready for the battles to come? The answer is fairly simple, but difficult to master. We must study. We must spend time in the word of God, and in that word, we must understand the message being delivered to us. Reading scripture is fine, but if we don’t take the time to truly dive in, seek the meaning behind the words, the language, and the people it was written to, we often miss the nuances of scripture. How scripture builds upon what was written, how the past points to the future, and the future points backwards to the past, and the sheer number of seamless cross references shows us the impossibility that scripture was simply man-made. Knowing and growing in the word of God, allowing those words to seep into our hearts, and most importantly, not letting the words get stuck in our minds, but rather, allowing the words to penetrate into our hearts, and changing who we are. If we read scripture and it doesn’t change us, we are essentially no different than the demons of the enemy’s army. The demons know scripture, and we cannot just know it, but we must live it.
I have found my patience being tested and having major revelations coming to my attention, I am dealing with a major change, a change in the dynamic of my family. How does one deal with discovering truth, which is opposed to the truth of an entire life? When new truths become evident, and one is left to deal with the emotions of it, and we have to face those truths, it can be a challenge. I have found it difficult to put into words the emotions I have felt. How am I supposed to feel? What are the normal feelings for this kind of situation? I have been seeking God for answers and asking for prayers to find the answers I seek. My world has changed, forever changed, and a title I have had my whole life, something I felt was part of my identity, is no longer true, and now I must face the truth, learn about my new family, and discover a new dynamic. God does nothing by mistake, and it is my responsibility to wear the name of Christ, to be the ambassador, marching into this situation, wearing the full Armor of God, and above all standing against the prince of the air, the ruler of this world. Even though I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I must endure, I must try my hardest to be the example, and point those whom I encounter to a very real Christ. Jesus is not just a story in some ancient book, but the son of God who rose from the dead, overcame death, and with that same resurrection power, those who believe in him, obey him, seek him, acknowledge their own sinful nature, turn from that sin, and see Christ as the only way to the father, the forgiver of sins, the blood spilt for us, so it would bridge the chasm between us and Heaven. We must believe and spend our days serving the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords. No matter the storm I find myself in, Jesus is the captain of my ship, and I shall always keep Him at the helm, and I will go where He takes me. I will fight the good fight, and continue to hold the line. I may be in the storm by Jesus my Lord is with me. I may be in the fire, but Jesus my King is with me. I will never face my trials alone, for my Savior is with me. Forever, till the end of the age.
As my battlefield has changed recently, the battle remains the same. As a Christian, we fight against power well beyond our weight category. Ephesians 6:12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” When we consider any sport that involves fighting, we should look at the weight class, and on our own, we are outclassed every time. We cannot stand against demons who are bred, created for war and service. We don’t have all the information on angels and demons, simply because God didn’t give us that much information. We know that there are angels, like Michael that can fight. An angel can stand toe to toe with a demon because a demon is a corrupted angel. We are a human, what chance do we have? We have the armor of God. The armor gives us the protection we need against demons. Another thing we have on our side, is the word of God. In fact, I would suggest, the word of God is the most effective thing we have. Demons tremble at the voice of Christ, and while we don’t have His voice, we have his words. When we are in scripture, and we are seeking God, we learn about our armor, we learn about how to protect our minds, our hearts, and learn how to walk with Christ using the sandals of the gospel of peace. We hone our armor, and our skills, by reading and growing in scripture.
As my battlefield has changed, and I’m having surprises come into my life I could have never expected, it’s tested my emotions. I have found myself questioning myself, wondering if my continued rocky path, isn’t of my own making. I have questioned if I was worth anything, and if I was worth saving. In reality, this is spiritual warfare, but nevertheless, it’s the emotions and feelings I’ve been having. I’ve experienced major changes in my life over the last 3 months, and those changes often play with your emotions. Very little of what I’ve wanted to do has worked out the way it was supposed to. Even the simple things, that were given thought, haven’t worked out. Changes to my family have left me facing some long past hurts. Changes to my living space, has left me frustrated, and trying to find peace. Peace in my years, is all I’ve been seeking. While I realize I would have no peace in this world as long as I was a soldier for Christ, I long for peace in my home. The psalm of David rings in my ears,
Psalm 13 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
4 And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.
I ask the same question today. My enemy is not a man, or men, but rather the demons that seek to destroy me, and who I am. How long oh Lord, how long? With my physical pain keeping me from doing basic things, to the family, to the living space, I am met with much in the way of fodder for the devil to use. There are many areas right now under construction for him, the father of lies to use against me. The battle is being waged, and my prayers mirror the prayers of David. I will fight, and continue to fight the good fight. I will continue to serve, and be of service. I am the Lords, and I will do what I must to keep moving forward, relying not upon my own strength, but the strength of God within me. I do not fight the demons alone, for God is on my side. I know, either in this life or the next, Jesus is victorious.
Today, March 4th, 2025, I remember my fallen brothers. 20 years today, they fell in battle. While on mission in Ar-Ramadi, the explosion ripped through the truck, almost everyone was dead in an instant. One survived, but would die of his injuries shortly after. 20 years, has gone in the blink of an eye. We survive on, keeping their memory alive. Our battlefield has changed, but we still fight. Each of us fight in our own way now, 20 years and some of us are still close. It’s hard to believe it’s been 20 years, but here we are. This time 20 years ago, I was reeling from the explosion, and the horrific aftermath. The things I would see that day would haunt my eyes, and mind to this very day. You can take the man away from the battle, but the battle will always live inside the man. The battle continues, but let us remember the fallen today. Let us remember their lives, and their sacrifice.
I can remember the day, September 11th 2006, one week before I put a 9mm hallow-point through my shoulder. I had just learned about my wife’s affair, and I was a devastated mess. My mind raced, and I was far from free. My mind was becoming a prison, one that would take a long time to be free from. It took years for me to be able to sit in a quiet car without worrying about my mind racing, full of negative thoughts. The day you surrender your life to Christ isn’t a magic wand that makes everything else fade away. Just because you give your life to Christ, the healing process of past hurts, still takes time. For me, the day I gave my life to Christ, was the most freeing moment of my life. I grew up in the Catholic Church, and knew Jesus, and assumed I had a relationship with Him because I had gone to church growing up. I assumed because I had gone through the sacraments, first communion, baptism, confirmation, confession, that I would be allowed into Heaven. It was not till I was older that I realized, the demons know Jesus also. Knowing Jesus does not mean you have a relationship with Him. Even scripture tells us this,
Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’
— Matthew 7:22-23
There are those who follow Jesus because they believe it will make their life better, such as the prosperity gospel. Jesus wants you to live your best life now. If you follow Jesus because you believe, He will grant you the desires of your wicked, selfish heart, then you may be a believer of the prosperity gospel, but that is not the gospel of scripture. I realized later in my life that it wasn’t about what Jesus could do for me in this life. Jesus already did the most important thing in my life, one, sacrificed Himself for me, and the second changed my heart from a heart of stone, to flesh. I’ve found many people follow Christ not because they truly believe in His teachings, but rather the fire insurance. In reality to be a follower of Jesus, we must seek Jesus, and the gift of Heaven is secondary, an added bonus if you will. Many want the gift of Heaven; they just don’t want God to be there. It’s the surrender part that really gets most people, and stops them from being a true follower of Christ. People enjoy the savior part, but are put off by the Lord part. We cannot have salvation without both. We cannot have Heaven without God. We, as a fallen sinful race, have trouble letting go. We want to be plugged into the system of this world, because we love it. We love the freedom to sin, to do whatever we want. We love the pleasures of this world, the money, wealth, and power we may get to have here in this life. Sadly, as a whole, people tend to think this life is all about the money, and stuff, power, prestige, etc. When we follow Jesus, we have to give up much of our old lives, and we have to obey His commands, because if we love Jesus, then we are to love His commands as well. Jesus tells us in Luke 9:23-25 “And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself?”
To live for Christ is to die to one’s self. to live for Christ is to sacrifice one’s life to serve Christ. It isn’t about being saved; it’s about following Christ because He is the truth. We don’t follow Christ because of what we benefit, we follow Christ because His words are true, and the eyewitness testimony of His life and resurrection are the truth. His miracles which were never refuted by anyone, not the Jews, or the Romans, were done by the only Son of God. How could we not follow him?
In reality, the thing we must do is surrender ourselves to the Lord. The day I surrendered to the Lord I realized my way was folly. I think of what Boromir said in the Fellowship of the Ring, “it is folly.” Boromir discusses the trouble of taking the one ring to Mordor. Not with an army, could it be done. He made a decision based on his understanding of the world as a soldier. Unable to see the world in a different perspective, he truly believed it couldn’t be done. We are very similar as a people. To follow Jesus is just folly to the atheist. The people of the world, reject Christ, because in reality, they want to be their own god. The sin that snared Eve in the Garden, was pride. The snake said “You’d be like God’. Eve jumped at the opportunity to be like God, and we sinful creatures jump at the opportunity to be hostile to the one true God. No other religion in the world is treated with such hostility as Christianity. I myself am not a follower of Christ because I was raised too, or even because of culture, I am a believer because it’s the truth. When you follow the evidence to its logical conclusion, Christianity is the truth. To get there though, one must free their mind, let go of what the world tells them to think and believe. Christ showed us the truth through His signs and wonders. He showed us the truth in His eye witnesses. As J. Wallace talks about in His book “Cold Case Christianity” one piece of evidence may be circumstantial, but when you begin to add up all the evidence, it’s impossible to be a coincidence anymore. I had to let go of wanting to do this life on my own. I had to realize the phrase “I got this” was not true at all. In fact, the ideal that I had it, got me to the dangerous side of the long-distance whole puncher. When I look at today’s life, I realized I, in fact, don’t got it. My way often led me to more trouble. When I try to fix anything on my own accord, I tend to screw everything up. Our way is not Holy, and when we do it our way, we, in our hubris, think we are just as good as God. We must reject ourselves and follow Christ, and we must reject the world, and follow Christ.
In this life, we have a choice, to answer the call of the Holy Spirit upon our hearts. Do we unplug from the world, forsaking this life, to allow God, allowing Jesus to take up our life? If Christianity is not true, we lose nothing in this life. If it is true, and we do not follow it, we lose everything. Jesus is the WAY, the TRUTH, and THE LIFE, NO ONE GETS TO THE FATHER BUT THROUGH JESUS. Jesus gave us all the evidence we’d ever need to justify what scripture said, that we may look upon the cross and believe, that we have hope by looking at the empty tomb. Let us let go of the world, for those who let go of the world, shall inherit the kingdom of God. For it is our faith in Jesus, and we are saved by His grace, and His mercy. The truth will set us free. The truth will unplug us from the world, and we are adopted as citizens of Heaven, and we become ambassadors in this world. We have a mission to set more minds free, and share the gospel with everyone. We are to study to show ourselves approved. We are to understand and share the Word of God, with those around us. We are to make disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ. We must help unplug more and more people from the world, share with them the truth, and show them the way.
Years later, I was driving in the car and I realized I had not turned on the radio. I realized I had not turned-on music from my phone. I realized I was sitting in absolute silence. I no longer had the intrusive thoughts I once had. I realized, in that moment, years of studying God’s word, going to church, and different therapies to help with the past trauma, led me to a point where I saw healing in my life. The day you give your life to Christ and become unplugged is the day you start a new journey. Just like Neo in the ‘Matrix’, he didn’t know everything about the Matrix, that took time for him to learn, to grow. Our day of Justification (Just as if I never sinned) happens one time. But, the growing in the Lord, the becoming more like Christ, takes time, a lifetime in fact. We never stop growing, and never reach our full potential till the day we breathe our last here on Earth, and open our eyes in Heaven. Just because we are followers of Christ doesn’t mean we don’t struggle, or have trials. On the contrary, we will have trials, and we will struggle, and we will be forged in fire. We must see through the eyes of Christ and see the world for what it is, the devils playground. We must face the ever-growing threat of darkness all around us, and prepare for the battle that looms ahead. Now we’re unplugged from the world, we face an army of sentinels, and agents, demons, and humans still plugged in to the system Satan has control over. Our job, is to continue to grow in our strength for the Lord, study to show ourselves approved, put scripture in our hearts to not sin against God, but to also resist the lies of the world. Let us face the army of Satan together, as brothers and sisters of Christ. Let us be the resistance, as we resist the attacks, the army that wages war against us. The truth, Jesus Christ, will set you free.
April 3, AD 33, is the date we now have come to believe Jesus of Nazareth was murdered on the Cross. I would submit to you, that while we do celebrate Easter, I would say the willing sacrifice of Jesus is the great act of love the world has ever seen. How much God loves us, that shows us not only how to love, but what love is. So, lets break that down, and ask the question, what is love?
Love Is:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
In today’s world, the moment things get hard, people are leaving their spouses, or when things get hard, they themselves are acting poorly. We do not show compassion, we do not show patience, and sadly, much that I hate to say this, we don’t control our own actions. How far we have fallen, when the name of Christ is worn by so many, yet act so poorly. Thankfully, Christ is our example, not other professed Christians. So, let us dive in to what LOVE actually is.
As I usually like the NASB95, this is one time, I don’t love it. Pun intended. Love, or charity, is patient. One other translation uses the phrase long suffering instead of patient. I prefer this. Why do I prefer this? We don’t often have a good understanding of patience. We as Americans generally think five minutes for our McDonalds order is too long. We think two-day shipping on Amazon is too long. We think a few days waiting for our partner to do the “right” thing, is too long. We don’t have an understanding that the term here for patient in the Greek is, makrothumeō. This means to be long-tempered. Passively, long-suffering. We are certainly not long-suffering in our patience are we?
When love is each of these things, long-suffering, kind, it does not give way to jealousy, it does not brag, or become arrogant, it does not ACT UNBECOMINGLY. Let us stop at that one. Just what’s public news, a Christian official in my town did a lot of stupid things and there’s plenty of evidence to prove it. We as Christians have not been looking like Christians, we do not act like Christians, we do not behave like Christians, we do not love like Christians. This shows that we are merely Christian by name and not within our heart. The wearing of the name Christian comes with much more weight than people realize. Thou shalt not take the Lord name in vain. When you wear the name of Christ, and then do stupid, you are taking the Lords name in vain. When you do these things and people say, ‘didn’t that person go to this church?’ We are hurting God, hurting the name of Christian, and hurting ourselves and those around us. What kind of love are we showing when we cannot control our own actions? Love is not about it’s own interests, but rather what we can do to show love to others. In a marriage, we should never say, ‘if they do this, than I will respond in kind.’ Love is an action word, love is doing something for others. It’s not easily provoked, keep score of wrongs suffered. It doesn’t rejoice when someone falls or fails. It always rejoices when the truth is being spoken, not to be prideful in ourselves. How many refuses to acknowledge when their partner is right standing in the truth? We hold on to that pride. Love bares the burdens and endures through hardships. It doesn’t leave at the sign of trouble.
Jesus, knowing He was about to die, and knowing what He was about to endure, the pain that would be inflicted about Him as an innocent man, a sinless man, said in John 10:18 18 No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This commandment I received from My Father.” What a beautiful gift God gives to us. God gives us a gift we don’t deserve. He loved us so much, that we are God’s valentine. God loved the world so much He gave us His son, so we would be reconciled to Him. That we in our sin, would be bought and paid for, the ransom for our souls would be fulfilled. God gives us His son, Jesus, who willingly came to the cross, because no one else could do it. No one’s blood was so pure, so precious, that in fact, it would never be without blemish. In order to restore the chasm between God and man created at the fall, a spotless lamb without blemish would have to shed its blood. No person would have ever been spotless. Yet, Jesus in His love for us, came to earth, lived a sinless life, left the purity and perfection of Heaven, to live in a dismal, dirty, sinful world, full of evil, and hatred, and selfishness, bitterness and disease. Jesus knowing what was going to happen that day on Cavalry, in his foreknowledge sweat blood from the shear stress of it. Yet, at no point did He not continue to travel down the road planned before the foundations of the Earth. An act of Love by the Son of Man.
Jesus said in scripture, John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” Indeed, how great a love, then Jesus laying down His life for the chosen sheep. How blessed am I to be a part of His flock, and my hope is that you also are a member of His flock. On this Valentine’s Day, which in reality celebrates the workings of a man, I submit to you, let us remember the workings of a sinless man today. Let us remember the love of our savior Jesus Christ who laid down His life for us, so He could take it up again defeating the grave, showing power over death, giving us everlasting hope. Saint Valentine did great things, and I have no problem remembering those great deeds, but the greatest act of love didn’t come from a sinner like you and me, it came from our Lord of Lords. Let us remember Jesus on this day of love, and with His love as our example, let us go out and love others, and share with them the greatest act of love, the death and resurrection of our savior, Jesus Christ.
Happy Valentine’s Day, may God bless you this day.
Akula, kotorya Ne plavayet, Ne tonet. “The shark that does not swim, drowns.” (Part 2)
Many years ago, I wrote this post, and it has been a timeless piece. Before the start of 2025 it had 11,666 views. Since 2025 so far it’s had another 49 views equaling 11,715 views. Since at the time of this writing the first of the year was 42 days. Which means this old post has been seen at least once a day since then. One of the most popular posts I ever made. Perhaps it was the name, that it was written partially in Russian, perhaps it shows up when people search it because it was seen in the CW show Arrow. I decided since it was so popular, and still is, that I would revisit it and perhaps update it.
The Old Post
{ In our walk with Christ it’s important that we never stop moving. The call of the Great Commission was one that would continue till the day we are called home. Philippians 3:12-14“12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”In life it’s hard to not live in the past. It’s hard to have faith and live in the present. We must always continue to move forward but remember to do so in accordance with God’s plan for you. If your plans are just and faithful then perhaps God will allow for your plans to come to pass.
Joshua 1:7“7 Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success[a] wherever you go.”Some kinds of sharks will drown if they do not continue to move. As such we too must continue moving. Isaiah 43:18-19“18 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”We must learn from the past, but do not stay in the past. We must not allow ourselves to be consumed by grief, by despair, by fear, or by hatred. We must not allow ourselves to relive our past over and over again.
Galatians 2:20-21“20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”Our savior died for us, to wipe away the sins of old to free us to move forward in the new light.
As we move forward to Easter Sunday remember what the past is. The past was sin and death. Christ took that from us, he set our new path. Don’t loose sight of the meaning behind Easter. Don’t loose sight of our journey forward. Follow Christ and never turn around. }
Now, let us look at this. Our walk is not an easy one. In fact, when we look to Jesus, and to see what He called on for His disciples we see a few things, first: He called us to count the cost.
Luke 14:25-33
25 Now large crowds were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them, 26 “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. 27 Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. 28 For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? 29 Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him, 30 saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ 31 Or what king, when he sets out to meet another king in battle, will not first sit down and consider whether he is strong enough with ten thousand men to encounter the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32 Or else, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. 33 So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.
Lets break this down, first we see that although we love our parents, they should never be exalted higher than Jesus. In fact, nothing is higher than Jesus. We love our wives, we love our children, but Jesus must always come first. Let us look at what we know. Jesus calls Simon to him, from the shore where he was fishing. Simon, later named Peter, was the only Apostle married that we know about. Peter would follow Christ, and would later be martyred for Christ. Peter, knew the cost of continuing to follow Christ, and left a wife, and maybe kids, to follow Christ. One who loves his own life so much that he or she chases worldly things, over Christ, is not a true disciple of Jesus. There is a true cost to following Christ, but worth everything worldly we may lose to do it.
Jesus told us in scripture that He did not come to bring peace to this world, but that He came with a sword, to divide.
Luke 12:49-53
49 “I have come to cast fire upon the earth; and how I wish it were already kindled! 50 But I have a baptism to undergo, and how distressed I am until it is accomplished! 51 Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? I tell you, no, but rather division; 52 for from now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. 53 They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”
It is not an easy thing when you come to Christ, and are faced with the response from others close to you. Perhaps you’ve experienced this, where you came to Christ and all of a sudden there are those around you who turn hostile towards you. Or, perhaps there were people in your life who had been trying for years to turn your attention towards Christ. Jesus here is telling the people, that his mission was not what they expected. It was not to become King, and overthrow Rome, but rather to build the bridge for us back to Heaven. For us to have repentance and in that repentance the forgiveness of sins. To bridge the gap of the gentiles, to complete His flock. Jesus is the salvation for our sins, but also the King of kings. As a Christian, we must remember that the cost of following the Lord is a high price, but one that is always worth it. The apostle Paul speaks on this,
I have been in this very situation, where as some of you know, I had the choice to undergo open heart surgery recently (At the time of this writing). I did not have to do the surgery, and at some point the aorta would rupture, or the valve would fail, and I would die, going home to Christ. However, after prayer, I decided to do the surgery.
Philippians 1:21-26
21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again.
Paul, having been to prison multiple times, and having been beaten, and mocked, it can be understood that he was physically tired. I am by no means saying I am anything close to the greatness that the Apostle Paul was, but I do understand the tired. I understand the desire to go home to Christ. But, in that breath, I understand the need to keep moving forward. We as Christians are always being attacked by the deceiver. We are always being hunted and stalked by Satan and his demons. There’s a secular song, that I listen to called “Unsinkable” By: SailNorth. He does sea shanty style music, and this particular song resonates with me.
Аіm high, ѕwing hаrd
Lеave it оut there
No regrets
Му blood is in the water and the sharks are takin’ bеts
Тhey сircle in, waitіng for my final breath
Вut they won’t see me drown
***
Lightning strikes, calling demоns from the deep
The thunder’s throwin’ punches, tryin’ to knock me off my fеet
But I won’t bow when their shadows cover me
My cоurse iѕ carved in stone
When the wind rips the tide
I will sail
Reaсh the other sіde
Let the storm roll on wild
І wаs born for this
The chorus says he’s unsinkable. When the sail is torn, he’d still reach the other side. The resilience of a man determined not to die.
I see it as my determination not to let Satan get the better of me. I realize that living the life of a Christian is incredibly hard, but to give up one’s life is to gain Christ. Dying is easy, but living is hard, I have looked back at my choice to remain in this world, and sometimes, I have regretted that decision. However, I have my loved ones to think about, and I ask God, what He wants me to do. I wish I could afford a large house with an empty upstairs so I could start the canteena mission. I feel God has laid a great desire upon my heart, and I hope one day, I’ll be able to see it fulfilled. God has spared my life many times by way of miracle, and I know that I have to keep moving forward, or else I’ll drown. We as Christians must continue to grow in the word. We must be able to make a defense for our faith. We must continue to grow so we know what the word says on how to combat the devil’s attacks in temptation and sin. We must know what to do about the draw of the world, and how to resist Satan and his lies, and the sin that plagues our hearts. We cannot remain baby Christians forever. We cannot stay on the milk, but rather graduate to solid foods. Each and every day, we must be sanctified by Christ, seeking to be more and more like Him with each passing day. While we are justified once, (Just as if I have never sinned) we cannot stay where we were yesterday. So how do we do this?
First, we must come to Christ. We must realize we are sinners, and doomed for Hell. Once we acknowledge the need for a savior, we seek Christ Jesus. We go to Jesus and ask for Him in our hearts. We repent of our sins and believe in Jesus, and put our faith in Him. This is the day of our justification. From this day forth we must grow in Jesus. We must allow the Holy Word of God to infiltrate our hearts, and let us grow closer to God. We must seek first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33). We must desire and be thirsty for the Word. We must desire to know God, and the only way to truly know God, is to read the Bible. IF we stop reading the Bible, essentially, we stop growing. If we stop growing, essentially, we stop swimming, and of course we know that, the shark that does not swim, drowns. Let us not stop swimming, let us not stop craving the Word of God. Let us continue to grow closer to Him, and lean not upon our own understanding, for the Lords ways are not our ways. (Proverbs 3:5 – Isaiah 55:8-9)
Go, seek first the kingdom, continue to grow in the Lord, do not grow stagnant, or complacent, for that is when the attacks of the Devil will come and breach the walls of your home, will find the cracks in your armor, and will wreak havoc in your life. Do not become a broken home because you allowed evil to permeate your life. Be ever vigilant, because the devil doesn’t take a day off, and neither can you.
Fear is not something I’ve experienced much of in my later life. Today, I am afraid. As my life is about to change forever, fear fills my heart. It isn’t that I don’t have faith, or not enough faith, as a friends message pointed out so eloquently recently, but I am mostly human. That’s a cyborg joke since I now have a mechanical upgrade keeping my heart pacing. I have faced death and been shot at, blown up, jumped out of airplanes, and have moved across the world many times. My life, has not been an easy road, but my life longs for peace, and I’ve not had it since heart surgery. It’s amazing how much heart surgery forces us to face our mortality. It’s amazing to think that just a couple months ago, I nearly died. Our hearts are so tender at a funeral. The emotions right at the surface, like a live wire to be plucked by life. In a way, while no one has died recently in my life, death is not just the living body. I have in other ways, experienced loss, and grief. My dearly beloved cat has passed. My body has experienced a grave trauma. I am about to move to a new home after eight years. I feel as if I am not going to find peace any time soon in my life. In fact, simultaneously peace and not peace. While life is beyond stressful, and my plate is full, life is not of peace, but my heart knows the Lord. The Lord grants peace, we know this from scripture. We aren’t robots, or at least I’m not all robot.
Paul is offering the Lords peace be upon the readers of his letter.
Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!
— 2 Thessalonians 3:16
John notes the words of Jesus.
Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
— John 14:27
Our peace is found in the Lord. We face the worlds struggles, and while we do these things as faithful Christians, we know many faithful struggled.
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.”
— 1 Kings 19:4
Elijah suffered long, David suffered, Peter suffered, and many, many more. The Christ’s church cannot be stopped by the gates of Hell. More important than any others, Jesus suffered for us.
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
— 1 Peter 5:10
What is life but a vapor? A short while we are here, and in this life, Jesus promised hard times, but also promised that in those times, we would not be tempted more than any other person,
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.
— 1 Corinthians 10:13
Jesus is our way, Jesus is the way. Jesus shows us the escape. When we are suffering, and when we are struggling, Jesus is our God, who saves us, who removes our ledge of crimson, and makes it white as snow. May we repent of our sins, and Jesus makes straight our path. No one said the path would be easy, but we must ask if we are doing as He commands us. I am but a mere human, struggling to walk the path. I read, I study, I listen, and yet lo, I struggle.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.
How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
— Psalm 13:1-3
Jesus comforts us and is near to the broken hearted. Am I broken hearted? Yes. Do I struggle? Yes. My brokenness runs deep right now. In my prayers I ask God to grant me His peace. I ask God grants me serenity to let go of what I need to let go of, fix what i can fix, and in all ways accept God’s path, that I will not lean upon my own understanding. My heart breaks apart this day, but one day, it shall be made new and I shall see God.
Having fear is human. When the Word says I have not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of courage, we really have to continue to grow. Sanctification is a process. We have to spend time in the word to grow in the spirit of Christ. I have spent years dealing with this topic. When I was in Iraq I was forced to face fear. After you face evil directly, fear is something that starts to fade. When I began growing in the Lord, my fear of death disappeared. When I consider fear, I consider that most if not all fears generally when you travel down the road of that fear, it ends with a fear of one’s own mortality. Once you can eliminate your fear of dying, many other fears will disappear. That being said, there are some fears, such as the fear of failure, fear of change, that must also be concurred. As I am faced with some of these fears, I am not accustomed to feeling fear. When I was facing heart surgery, I did not have a fear of dying, but rather, more concerned about what the surgery would do to my loved ones. While I do not have the same fear that many people do, my loved ones have a great fear of dying, and a fear of losing me. It’s this fear, that I have been cognoscente of. How can I, the man of the house, lift up those who remain in their fear? When I am afraid of the upcoming change in my life, that I will fail, and fall into hard times? I don’t have an answer, except to continue to grow in your walk with Christ. We must face our fears, and we do that by reading the Word of God. We study, we grow, we allow the word to change who we are. We must be ready to defend our faith, and we cannot do that if we are not growing in Christ. For some, maybe you haven’t accepted Christ yet. First, acknowledge you are a sinner. We are dead in our sins, not worthy of Heaven. We must see ourselves as sinners, and know that Jesus is the savior for our sins. He handed himself over, and laid down his life to reconcile the repentant sinner to God the Father. We must surrender to Christ, and know He is both Savior, and Lord. We must accept Him as our sacrifice for sins, and therefore, we must trust in faith, and obey His commandments. There is no sin so great that God cannot forgive. We do however need to feel that sorrow over sin, and truly repent of our sins. Jesus is worth your heart. Let us continue to grow in Him.
May God grant me peace, and understanding, and love. God shows me His way. I pray for mercies as I navigate these troubled waters. May I step out of the boat, and trust in Him.
Since becoming a true Christian, something I’ve heard in that time is “You Can’t Outgive God.” I’d say that’s beyond true. When I became a Christian, not that I didn’t grow up knowing who Christ was, but when I truly understood and surrendered to Him, the creator of the universe, I found a new understanding. In recent years I have found myself fighting for every inch on the football field of life. In the last several years I have struggled financially, living paycheck to paycheck, barely scrapping the bottom of the barrel every month. See, I live in a tent in the back yard of my mother’s house. I’ve lived in a tent for three years now. It isn’t a small camping tent, but it is still at the heart of it, a tent. It’s hot in the summer, and cold in the winter. Until recently the winters could be rough. Having power but not fire, I was able to only heat a maximum of 30 degrees at great financial cost. 30* each night would raise my bill nearly 200-$300 dollars. Thankfully this year someone donated a pellet stove but came at the end of winter and was no use to me, so far anyway. Summers are hot, with no shade, and the temperature inside the tent can become upwards of 130*F. A bit hot, I’d say. While, I’m not complaining at all, this is the life that I had been handed, and I have been making the best of my situation. Recently I was about to leave the house and before I did, I checked my bank account and saw $68 left. While of course it was enough for the end of the month, it wasn’t enough to buy any groceries. Money has been the bane of my existence for some time now.
Years ago, I remember asking God for patience. I had undergone hardship and loss. Having such a small income, and worsening health, my ability to work became less likely. Somehow, the Lord has supplied every need I’ve had over the last several years. In times of absolute need the Lord would supply me with the means to manage a problem, even from as far away as a longtime friend who sent me money to help. Though she did not know what my need was, she sent money anyway, because she felt I needed help. The amount she sent was the exact amount I needed to fix my car. And of course, we cannot forget the winter stove which was anonymously donated. That stove will change my life in this upcoming winter. While those are only two examples, there are many more over the last 8 years. The Lord saved my life in the back of an ambulance when all those in the ambulance thought my days were done, the Lord had other plans for me. How magnificent is the Lord and His ability to take the most awful things, and turn them into blessings. Not knowing how the bills would be paid, and certainly not knowing how I’d be able to put food on the table, or fix things when needing to be fixed, the Lord has taught me patience, by immersing me in situations where patience was needed. There has been another virtue the Lord has taught me along with patience, and that’s been trust, and faith. Faith in Him, and knowing in that faith that He will work things out. Not that I won’t have trouble, but He is with me in that trouble.
Over the last several years as I mentioned, my health has been deteriorating. Not a day goes by I am not in a tremendous amount of pain. I have done my best to try and enjoy life, and to do things with the youth at my church, go for hikes, and walks, do my own yard work, but as I said recently and many times before, “everything I do comes at a cost.” The key is whether or not I am able and willing to pay the cost. As a famous line in a marvel film once said, “The bill comes due, always.” Thankfully Jesus paid the ultimate bill for me, a bill I could have never paid for. Having very little chance to work and make any significant amount of money, I have found myself concerned about my future. Would I ever be able to take care of my family? It is no secret inflation has risen in the United States, but sadly the veteran income does not equal a living wage. Where I live the average rent in around $1200 a month, and that’s recently just the bad neighborhoods. Sad to say, that’s what I used to pay for a pretty nice apartment back in the day. Now, it’s just the crime ridden places, that this is the cost of rent alone. Now, with the average being 12-1500 a month, let’s take a look at veteran pay. For a 100% the average income (Which is public record) is around $3900. It doesn’t take a budget expert to see where this could become a problem. After you take rent, and add insurance, and other exploding bill cost, you can see where even an apartment would be very tight. Sadly, for me, a few years back, I was faced with several very large bills in which I couldn’t pay for, and it left me with credit card debt I couldn’t get out from under. I was facing a fire, one that I could not put out, but only mildly control. A few more emergencies and those balances would nearly max the account. Again, am I complaining, no, it’s just the facts. In order for us to understand the enormity of the Lords blessings we must understand the enormity of our situations. Much like my debt problem, that I couldn’t pay off, we have a debt problem we couldn’t pay off either. Jesus paid that debt. Jesus willingly came to earth, placed himself in harm’s way, took himself out of safety and perfection to come to this dismal little planet, live a sinless but difficult life, and then hang on a tree he created for himself to be crucified and buried for our transgressions. He paid a bill for not just one person, but the entirety of the worlds transgressions, but why?
We are sinners by birth, a curse passed down from Adam to the rest of humanity. We are born with a debt, a mark we cannot hope to pay. We in our sin nature reject God. You do not have to teach a child to hit someone when they get angry, they do that on their own. You do not have to teach a child to lie, they do that on their own. You do not need to teach a child not to share, they do that all on their own. As Voddie Baucham once said, “Vipers in Diapers”. By our very nature we are born with sin, born with an innate sense of pride, and we want things our way. Have you ever seen a child throw a tantrum in a store because they didn’t get what they wanted? That’s the natural behavior of a child, and yet somewhere along the line we have people teaching that we are innately good. It is only by God’s grace and mercy are we good, and only good by earthly standards. By holy standards, none are good, nor are they righteous, no, not one. Jesus paid for our sins, He paid the debt we could not, by his own life. I heard it said once, if you scratch a car in a junkyard no one cares. But if you scratch a Ferrari or some other nice car, you’d likely go to jail for it. The story came with a point, it’s the value of a thing that makes it so special. Jesus was valuable which is why his life was enough to pay for the rest of humanity. He was perfect, God incarnate, and thus His sacrifice, to be the spotless lamb, would be enough to pay the debt, to be the propitiation, the substitution on our behalf. We are sinners, in need of a savior, and Jesus was that sacrifice so we may have restitution with the Father.
In the last few years, I had become increasingly aware of the mounting debt I couldn’t get out from underneath. Having realized I’d never work again, I didn’t know how I would manage. I didn’t know how I could take care of my family. If I was ever blessed with a child, I didn’t know how I would ever be able to provide. The nights of stress kept me awake. In recent months my car had begun making strange sounds in the front tire area, and in recent days that sound turned from bad to worse as metal on metal could be heard. Needless to say, my concern for a major repair cost was on my mind. Why would God place this physical burden upon me, but not change anything else? Why wouldn’t God heal me so I could go to work to take care of my family? In recent years, especially this year, teaching and ‘preaching’ the word of God has become my primary job, yet one I do not make a single penny for. Years of telling God I wouldn’t do well as a pastor, or preacher, God it seems thought I was funny. I continued to tell God what I wouldn’t do, and here I am, writing about God’s grace, and sovereignty. A few months back the Lord provided me the way to get a mic and a cheap camera for my computer. I resumed my podcast, and now I do two podcasts a week and I still write. While I don’t get paid for what I do, the Lord has called me to do this ministry, and I have obeyed His call. Having not worked now for over 20 months, I have found I enjoy putting together lessons and being in His word. Very few days go by when I am not opening the Bible and learning something new. The days I do not get a chance to dive in, at the very least I am reading a devotional. Very recently I have started a prayer journal, and keep up daily with prayers and praises to the Lord. As my car’s looming repair was over my head, (and at the time of this writing, has not been repaired) I knew I was in trouble. The Lord’s timing is perfect.
Over the last several months I have been preparing for a social security trial in which I would go before a judge and plead my case, with the help of a lawyer. I was under no illusions my case, while strong, wasn’t a sure thing. Patience has been the keyword in my life for a while. Waiting several months on end for a decision, only to be rejected, and having to move forward to the next phase, has taught me valuable lessons. Through our entire life we often try to feebly make our way through life, using our own idea to fix things on our own volition. We often think we know what’s best and we try to fix things on our own. When we try to fix things on our own apart from God, we most frequently screw it up. Thankfully, patience, and trust have left me with a new respect for God, and to trust His plan. I have learned to trust God and to do so with His timing, and not my own. God has shown me He is greater than all my own understanding, and by trusting in Him, I believe I am being, for lack of a better term, rewarded. My continued faith through adversity and strife, has brought me here, where the Lord in His mercy and grace, has shown me favor, and thus providing me ‘a way out’. It is said the Lord will not put more on you then you can handle, but the true statement is the Lord will not allow you to undergo temptation without a way out. Jesus is the way out of temptations. I believe my situation has given me insight to the difficulty in life itself. I am, thankfully seeing a change in situation, a change in the winds upon my face, and the seas ahead.
As I am expected to see significant changes in my life, I am left knowing that all my struggles, and time have not been in vain. All my strife has not been for nothing. The Lord uses everything we go through, from the traumas of living in a broken world, to the test He himself may bring upon us to discipline us, or to strengthen our resolve. What the devil uses for evil, the Lord will use it for good. While I do not know the reason for the years of struggle, and now the sudden reversal of fortune, one thing has stood out to me, it will not be an easy transition. I am very aware of my concerns of returning to a life of poverty, and worse my failing to provide for my family. I believe that while it has yet to dawn on my brain the nature of what’s about to change, I will, in time adapt, albeit keep a close eye on the devil and his desire to destroy me. I have spent years trying to rebuild my life, and while I will remain in this beautiful white, canvas tent, I will be able to pay forward the blessings the Lord has given to me. While I do not know what that looks like, the Lord’s people are never shy of need. Years ago it brought me great joy, and I believe a greater joy to the Lord, for me to provide a car for a friend. Paid for by my hard work in the military. How I have wished to be able to be there like that, for people again. I do not know what my future holds, nor am I brazen enough to say all my worries will end, but Lord willing, I will have some time to breathe, and perhaps enjoy a little of God’s beautiful creation. God blesses each of us in different ways. The biggest blessing I have been blessed with, is not a change of fortune financially, but that of love. I was brought to this place, and not by chance was I introduced to those whom I would now call family. The Lord’s providence is at work, even when we do not see it, He’s working.
I think back to the 400 years of silence between the Old and New Testaments. Was God sitting down playing games, not paying attention to us little people? No, he was moving pieces, working in the world, setting up governments, they would rise and fall, and change the landscape of the world. Eventually Rome would take over and through Rome, roads, and pathways, cities, and trade were established. These things made the way for the Gospel to be moved throughout the known world. Why was Christ born when he was? So that he would die on the cruelest torture device ever created by man. So His disciples would go and spread His Gospel to the known world. God was working then, and He’s still working now. We cannot ever know just how many tragedies He’s saved us from, or how many wrong choices we’ve avoided because of His intervening. We just don’t know what He’s actually doing. What we do know is God is good and wants good for us. Do we put ourselves aside to do His work? Do we bring Christ into every aspect of our lives, or do we just say hello on Sunday and Wednesday? Do others know we are a Christian because we always talk about it, or show Christ in our daily actions? Or would you die and no one would have known one way or another? Life is short, a vaper in the cosmos, and we have a great opportunity to seek God, because if you have the desire, it means He’s calling you. No one comes to the father unless He calls them first. Sheep do not come unless they are called. Our blessings are beyond measure; beyond anything we could comprehend. Our blessings far exceed our wildest imaginations, considering what treason, what being an enemy of the throne would bring as punishment. Death, certain death, but not a death outside of existence, but the soul survives the death of the body, therefore leaving an eternal punishment of the soul. No one is sent to Hell from God, but rather, in our obstinance, in our defiance, in our own lust for power and control, we walk the wide path straight to the fires of Hades, Hell. Christ’s gift to us, his freely given gift of grace and mercy every moment of every day, that we are not wiped from existence, but rather a gift of salvation, or being made clean of our sins, so that we may through our faith in him, enter into Heaven. Sadly, in this life, we are seeing nations falling to their desires, their lusts of power. While the Lord may hand people over to their own demise, some will remain who chose to accept the Lords’ gift, and will lay everything aside to follow Him. The rewards are beyond measure, but for me, I’d do it without the rewards. I seek no rewards, other than one sentence. “Well done, my good and faithful son.” I want to please my Lord, I want to know He’s proud of me in what I’ve become, and what I’ve fought through to be. I want to be known as a servant for Christ, and have him be pleased and proud of me. All I want is his hug and acceptance of me. I don’t wish to have bobbles, or jewels, or mansions, just to be with my Abba Father for all eternity is reward for me. It’s a gift beyond measure, so no matter the hardships faced, and those I’ve yet to endure, I pray for the Lords strength to replace my own, as I try to be a good man in the sight of the Lord. A man who God loves, and a man He’s proud of. God’s in control, He’s the good captain, and I’m just trying to do my best, and follow His commands. God has not made me a rich man of money, but a man rich in love. God has shown me favor in His love, and perhaps someday, I will no longer call this beautiful white tent home, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll have a real home, made of brick and mortar. Lord willing. The greatest gift the Lord has ever given was the gift of life through his Son Jesus dying on the cross. He created us for a relationship to Himself, and redeemed us in his Son.
The Arrow Preacher 