Tag: family

Consequences 

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Consequences 

Consequences: A result or effect of an action or condition. We as humans live here and now. We cannot predict the future, but we can in some ways be responsible for what happens. We are given the opportunity of free will to decide what we want to do. When we have a choice between two roads, one that leads to destruction, one that does not, we have a choice. Each choice has a consequence. We often want to blame others for the situation we are in. Sometimes our situation is caused by others, but in reality, we still have our own choices to make. How do we respond when things go wrong because of others? How do we respond when things go wrong because of ourselves? As Batman said “It’s not who I am underneath, but I do that defines me.” Who are you blaming for your woes? Who are you blaming for your own actions? And when the consequences come because of what you do, how are you behaving and how are you treating others? 

When a person who’s been a repeat offender gets mad when family or friends no longer help when time after time, wrong choices continue to be made. Who’s to blame? When someone continually puts themselves in harm’s way or in toxic relationships and environments when they have options not too, who’s to blame when things go bad? In the whole of human history, we have seen what happens when the bill comes due, and we have to then answer for our actions. Adam when confronted by God quickly turned the attention off of himself, and said, “The woman YOU gave me.” A bold statement, that in one foul swoop Adam blamed both the woman, and God for his actions. Now, let’s not forget that the actions of Eve cannot be undersold either. She had a choice, a chance, and in that moment of temptation from the snake, she thought in her mind, “I could be like God.” And perhaps even further, ‘if I could be like God, I don’t need God.’. Her actions and the subsequent lie that came, and behold, sin entered into paradise, eternity was fractured, and time began ticking, the slow decay of life and death. Cause and effect. This isn’t a new concept, and one, I do not feel the need to reinvent, so instead, I shall borrow what’s already been said. “Causality my love.” The Merovingian’s wife, she said this to her husband when she betrayed him and led Neo, and the others to the key maker. Unfortunately, even though cause and effect is often highlighted with high stakes in the movies, life can be more subtle. 

A wife is struck by her husband. She returns to him after leaving for a week. In time though she continues to return, even if the violence continues to escalate. The process inevitably repeats itself. Who is at fault? The man, of course, but unfortunately and as callous as it may be, the women who went back the first time, and then continued to return afterwards. Actions no matter how we may understand the want, the desire to overlook someone’s behavior, or even try to justify it, at the base root, actions have consequences. Someone picking up a syringe that first time, pressured by friends to shoot heroin. Is it the friend’s fault, sure, but the root again stems with a single starting choice, to be there, to pick up the needle, and not to say no. Everything after can be excused by the inevitable snowball as life gets away from us and we get trampled by the very snowball we ourselves created. Scripture tells us many warnings of such events. David is one. 

Here’s a king who was considered by many to be great, anointed by God. The kid who won a war, defeated the giant who made men quiver in their armor. The boy whose hand did not cut the head off the king who pursued him. David who chose not to go to war with his men, but to stay and be exactly in the wrong place. We all know the story, David and Bathsheba. Choices that led David to be on that roof, looking down at Bathsheba cleaning herself. David who didn’t look away. David who knew who she was after asking her identity. David who brought her to the palace. David who got her pregnant. Then, the man who at this point allowed the snowball to escalate tried to hide, to conceal the truth, and in doing so resorted to murder. That baby died because of David’s sin, and his choices. Only because he was king was his own life not forfeit. [(David is king. While the law states the offender should die, no one has the earthly authority to kill the king. David also has not had the baby Solomon, which is Gods plan for the line for Jesus to be born. We also see, only the King can affect or change how the law is the be carried out, when his son raped his sister. David does not act to pass the death sentence required by law, effectively pardoning his son. This leads to Absolom performing an effective coup against the throne and plunging the country into civil war. God spared David the earthly penalty for his crime, and chose a different punishment instead, the death of the child. Anyone else would have been stoned to death for the same crime.) Added after publication.] How far can a person be driven when our choices lead us along like the carrot on the end of a stick. 

GOD’S WARNING: 

1 Peter 5:8 8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 

We must keep our minds sober, for when we cloud our judgment sins often happen. When we are told to put on the full armor of God, this tells us we are soldiers. Ephesians 6 for the armor. In 2 Timothy 3 “3 Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.” As a soldier we must be prepared for the battle. As a soldier in Iraq, I often found myself on duty as something known as QRF (Quick Reaction Force). I needed to stay alert and ready to go on mission at any time. I cannot say how many QRF missions I went on as it was too many to count. As a soldier I knew and understood the need to be ready for the fight, and to be fit to fight. As a soldier I understand that if I do not practice with my rifle, I will not be mission ready. As such, if I do not read my bible and attend worship, I will not be fit to fight the forces of evil. I also understand that in Ephesians we are told that Eph 6:12 “12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” As a soldier having put on the sandals of the gospel of peace, how then do we hold fast when the Devil attacks? We get our answer in 1 Corinthians 10:13 “13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” Being like Christ is our choice and chance to resist the temptation of sin. Will we sin, sure, Paul reminds us that in Romans 7:15 “For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.” Scripture gives us what we need to live in the world that hates us so much, and in doing so resist the Devil with everything we have.

I’ve counseled a lot of people over the years, and one thing that has remained a constant was the person ignoring advice, and finding themselves in the same problem over and over again. In life, we must put our pride and ego aside to look at ourselves and see our actions do have consequences. While I do understand sometimes our situation is impacted by the choices of others, this is a reminder that sin doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Sin affects everyone around us, and we cannot do much about the actions of others, but we must stay vigilant to police our own actions. While we understand that sin happens, we must be ready for the wave occurs when it happens near us. A person’s actions will indeed hit us, and sometimes it’s a tsunami and it destroys relationships, and lives. As a Christian we must keep our wits about us and remember the words of Dumbledore, “Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy”. Being a Christian has never been, and will never be easy. This means we as Christians will face difficult choices along the way. Will we be swept up in the ways of the world, or will we maintain our choices to be that representation of Christ? It’s easy to want to help someone you feel sympathy for, but it’s also okay to forgive someone and set healthy boundaries. We do not want to accidentally enable continued bad behavior. There must be true repentance sometimes for us to be able to help someone in need who has, in the past abused the kindness and caring of others. It’s okay to say no.

Even when we know people who make bad, unhealthy choices, all we can do is pray for them continuously. We need to pray for people, pray for their choices and souls, and be kind in telling them the truth. We must be gentle but stern in our delivery, never resorting to our impulses to sin, but rather hold fast to our Christian faith, and our need to do our very best to be Christ like. 

We live in the present, and we can only control this very moment. Let us be in control of ourselves, and represent Christ the best we can in each moment of each day. 

Have a blessed day, please leave a like or comment, and if you’d like to message me you can email me, the email can be found in the about me page.

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

I’m 9 weeks out from heart surgery. A major open heart, valve replacement surgery, with an added pacemaker. Heartbreak comes to many, and it can look different when it does. I can remember my first heartbreak. Most people, it comes from their first love, for me, it came much earlier. Don’t get me wrong, I remember the heartbreak from my first love also. They aren’t the same. Scripture tells us Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” For many, and even for me, this response was once a hallow one. When I would be given scripture in response to my internal suffering, I was often annoyed, and frustrated. Sadly, during my first heart break, my true heart break, I watched as my home was crumbling before my very eyes. Not much different than now. During that event I didn’t have anyone giving me anything, not even a ray of hope, not one single iota of advice, not even scriptural advice. This lack of biblical, and for lack of a better term, ‘spiritual’ guidance, left me vulnerable to attack. When I was a kid, I was often seen as an outsider, and in reality, I was. There was always something about my life, something different from the other kids. Some kids are born into two parent homes, some into one, where one parent works hard, but is a loving, compassionate, and invested parent. For me, my situation was different. Heartbreak would be a feeling I’d experience on a regular basis.

Now, life is a series of disappointing events, one after another, that puts into place the most difficult of trust issues. Betrayal is a hard place to be. When a lifetime of hope comes crashing down, moving forward is something challenging. I look to God for my answers. Sadly, questions have come up in my life that haven’t gotten those answers. A single lie can do irrevocable damage. Not because forgiveness isn’t involved, but because a relationship is based on trust, and once it’s gone, it can take a long time to regain it, sometimes, trust is never earned again. How do we face life when it seems the world, or at least the world according to my own orbit, is flying apart? It’s hard to face life when nothing looks like it once was, when familiar is now so far removed from what it was just a few months ago. 

Faith, faith is one of those things that comes easy to some, difficult for others. For some people when heartbreak comes, it pushes someone to reject the god they think they know. In reality, for those who chose to walk the path of an apostate, faith was never something they truly had. No, in fact, I believe, since we cannot lose our salvation, those who walk away from God, do so because they never truly understood who God is. Many I’ve seen who graced the doors of the church and then walked away, did so when things didn’t go their way, or the way they wanted it too. Our lives are not our own. Our lives are dictated by a very real God. When we experience real hardships, and the devil attacks, we as people like to blame God for the troubles we experience. This isn’t new of course, this has been going on since the Jews left Egypt and immediately complained about their circumstances. After seeing what God could do, they did not trust Him with even the smallest of things, such as food and water. Today, we blame God for everything bad and good that happens to us. Truth is, we don’t need to blame God for what we experience, because, in reality, our very sin nature causes most of our problems. If we are truly honest, between the sin nature we have within us, and the devil attacking us, God wouldn’t need to bring forth bad things, even if that was who God is, but He’s not. 

My recent loses have taught me the need to turn to God, rather than away from. Relying on people can be detrimental sometimes. We put our hopes in people sometimes, and we shouldn’t. For years I continued to hope and pray someone in my life would be the person I always wanted them to be. Faith, is not easy sometimes, especially when the forge is hot, and we are put to the flame. What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to move? What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to grow? For those who follow God, no matter how badly someone may hurt us, that hurt can be used to point us in a different direction. In my life, have I become to sedimentary? God saved me for something. I have recently looked at my life and wondered what was it that God gave me the opportunity to survive for. Going through some of the worst experiences, after having major heart surgery, and after my heart being crushed by it’s own blood, I find myself questioning much about God’s plan. It’s that plan, I wonder what must I do. Faith is not blind when you believe in God, and trust and obey. Our faith is rewarded by God’s faithfulness to us. Even when we are not faithful ourselves, we are never alone. God is always with us, even when we stray. One of the hardest things we can do is chose to live. As I’ve said recently, dying is easy, living is hard. I mean that with every ounce of who I am. Lately the question, is why? As I wrote recently, why do I keep fighting? Love, love is always the answer. Why did Jesus fight the pain, the torture, the mockery, the wrath of the father? Love. Love is the reason we do much in our lives. Why does a soldier fall upon a grenade tossed in his foxhole? Love of the brothers next to him. Love makes people do a lot of incredibly brave things. Love, also can have the opposite effect and make people forsake friends, family, and do a lot of stupid things. Love is most definitely a strong emotion that can remove all rational thought from the brain. Throwing ones self upon a grenade to save the lives of others, while heroic, is almost certain death. Why is it love can send people down all kinds of different paths? Why can love move people to pick up, pack up, and leave their family members behind? Why can love (or at least love by name alone) move people to forsake marriages? Sadly the human mind, and emotions are complex, and to answer that truly, this would become a deep written psych paper. 

When I was growing up, the first girl I fell in love with, I would have done anything for her. I felt we had an amazing relationship. There were many of the foundations of an wonderful relationship. Then, one day, without warning, it ended. One by one in my life, I would love, none like the first, but different in their own way. Each love would fall, and it was in my mind, why be hostile just because the relationship ended. Why couldn’t two people, once in a relationship be friends? For some, this was not the case, and over the years, more and more people, more and more friends, more and more relationships, have died, and disappeared. The amount of people that have ghosted me in my life, people I deeply cared for, is staggering. Thinking about them often, and I wonder, why they left. I question why someone would leave when I offer so much of myself. I offer assistance, an ear, respect, love, truth, and much more, yet they leave. I am not a perfect man, but I have found, the type of love I have always offered in my life is that similar to what the Lord offers to us. A lesson I have learned is this, why do people, who have been given an amazing gift, still decide to turn and walk away from it? Even though God never forces anyone to love Him, people chose not to take His gift of eternal salvation, and they chose the path that takes them straight to Hell. Sometimes, no matter how nice the gift, people will still reject it. No matter how sincere my love was, people would still reject it. No matter how much I tried to put a relationship back together, people would still reject it. For a long time, I blamed myself. For a long time, I asked if it was me, that they were rejecting. The answer, is both yes, and no. Pride is an important factor in this equation. While, all of those people left me, and I am the common denominator to that equation, there is one other factor, pride. To this day, I don’t know why some I’ve been in relationships with have stayed my friend, while others have moved on with their lives, leaving me behind. We as prideful people look out for just ourselves. We don’t care the hurt we may cause others, or the damage done to them. How easy it is for some people to cut ties with another person, despite once sharing great feelings or supposed respect for them. It would be understandable if I were a mean, uncaring, unloving, selfish, abusive person, but as far as I am aware, that isn’t the case. When I wasn’t dating my ex, because she needed it, I bought her a car, and I looked for nothing in return. A different ex, I paid off her collage tuition. The same applied, I wanted nothing in return. All I wanted to do was share love, and help those I care about. What I have learned is, no matter how much you do for a person, how much you’re there for them, heartbreak is always a possibility. 

Even though heartbreak can happen to anyone, at any time, that doesn’t mean don’t share your heart. Even those closest to you may break your heart, you should still venture into love, because love is what we are called to do. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. We are called to love our wives as Christ loved and died for the church. We are called to love God with everything we are. We are called to love our enemies and treat them with a kind hand. How can we love, if all we do is look out for ourselves? How can we love if we are always thinking in our minds, ‘I’ll love as long as I’m treated nicely and with respect, and I’m happy.’ So often the moment we become unhappy, that switch in our brains that tells us we love someone, is turned off, and we begin to seek someone else to love. The moment the marriage gets hard often we see, especially today, couples crumble and fall apart. Love means very little in peoples lives today. We say it sure, in fact we over saturate the world with the word, but we don’t do what love is. We say it, but we don’t live it out. We say it, but we don’t let the true meaning sink into our hearts, and take root, allowing our lives to withstand the storms, without the love burning out. 

I’ve experienced true heartbreak in my life. I have experienced heartbreak in my childhood, my first girlfriend ripped out my heart and tapped danced on it for a while, and two ex-wives made sure my heart wasn’t just a little broken, but paid extra attention to maximizing the pain I would go through. We tend to hurt others most when we know deep down we are wrong. We tend to try to justify why we are doing what we are doing, and we turn the innocent into the problem, and then, that turns to bitterness, and vileness. We turn our own selfish desires into our truth, and anything that goes against that is a direct attack, and we then defend our own sinful, and selfish actions, no matter how badly it may hurt the loved ones around us. Yes, indeed, I have experienced heartbreak. 

As i wrote recently I fight for love. “I fight because of love. I fight because Jesus loved me enough to die for me on the cross. I endure hardships because Christ endured hardships. I take the beating because the Apostles, like Christ, took the beatings. I fight the war, because Paul said “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/31/why-do-you-keep-fighting/ I fight because I choose to fight. I was given a choice to have the surgery or not. I chose to endure the surgery, to keep me in the fight longer. Sure, I could have just waited it out, and let the heart fail, whenever it would have failed, but that’s not what I chose to do. Continue to fight, even though I have endured great heartbreak, and I am enduring great hardships, I know there are people around me who would not want me to leave. Loved ones that while I do believe they would be fine without me, wish for me to stay. So even though I have endured so much, I decide every day to stay, to continue the work the Lord has given me. I pray every day the Lord would allow me to create “Christs Cantina” and make a Star Wars themed Christian ‘coffee house style’ place, for both nerds and veterans to go, to hear about God’s word, and maybe try to do some community outreach to make our home a better place to be. Even though I feel current heartbreak, and struggles for the events that have occurred over the last few months, I know that God’s plan is perfect. Even if I don’t see His plan, I know that my heart will mend, and it will beat again. We cannot allow heartbreak to turn us into cold, bitter, resentful, angry people. We must overcome, and through the act of forgiveness allow ourselves to heal. We must be able to push through the pain, not ignoring it, but knowing that people are sinful, and sinful people will undoubtedly hurt others. Sin does not happen within a bubble, but rather, spreads out and affects everyone around us. Sin is the most destructive force on the planet, and we often as a society say it’s stuff like global warming, global cooling, or the lump sum of racism, hate speech, but in reality it’s sin. Sin destroys  more lives than any fire, any flood, anything else we can imagine. Our sin, our pride, our idols bring forth destruction on a scale that far surpasses any other disasters. Just the last year alone, I’ve seen several marriages fall to ruin. I’ve seen families destroyed. I’ve seen lies destroy trust, and I’ve seen pride damage relationships. 

One day, every knee shall bow, every tongue shall confess, and the Lord will purge the world of sin. One day a new heaven and a new earth shall be made, and in heaven there are no more tears, or sorrow. We are but a vapor in this life, and our God almighty is eternal. We cannot fathom the true nature of God, but I know that it’s not long, until my body will pass away, and to be absent from the body is to be with the Lord. I know when that day comes, I will be safe in my Fathers arms. I know that Jesus has given me many miracles in the recent months, and I know that I cannot waist them. Despite the struggles since I chose life on earth, and I chose not to go home just yet. The physical pain I feel that brings me to my knees, and the emotional pain I have endured, will not be the end of me. While the tears fall from my face, and the hardships feel more than I can bare, I remember these words from scripture, 1 Corinthians 10:13 “13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” I trust my Lord that my armor will hold. I trust my Lord that the shield I carry will protect me from all the arrows launched at me. I trust my Lord that the breastplate will guard my heart from the Devils schemes. I trust the Lord that my helmet will protect my mind from the lies and whispers of Satan. The Lord my God, Jesus Christ, will show me the path from this trial. Yes, my heart is in pieces, but the Lord is faithful. My heart crushed, my head down in sorrow. I know however the Lord is with me, and one day, I shall find peace. One day, I will have respite from the battle I’m in. Beyond this life though, one day I know I will reside in the kingdom of God, and I will never know pain again. One day, beyond this journey, lays a new state of being, one of perfection, with no more scars. As Casting Crowns said Scars In Heaven, “The only scars in heaven wont belong to me and you, the’ll be no such thing as broken.” The only scars in heaven will belong to our savior Jesus. Oh what a day that will be to be able to go home. What a day that’ll be to say goodbye to this lifelong trial. What a day that’ll be till Jesus welcomes me home after my marathon is over. What a day that’ll be when my broken heart is renewed and there will be no more pain. Till that day, I fight the fight. Till that day I’ll do my job, sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ. Till that day, I will continue to proclaim the one that saved my soul. I will continue to tell anyone I can the amazing miracles I’ve witnessed in recent days. Jesus is the way the, the truth, and the life, and no one gets to the father except by Him. (John 3:16) One must believe in Jesus Christ, and Obey his commandments. (John3:36). We must repent of our sins, turn from the world, and pick up our cross daily and follow Christ. Jesus told us in Matthew 4:17, to repent. We are all sinners, saved by grace, but we must accept Jesus, accept His word without adding our own interpretations, or ideals into scripture. Our opinion do not matter, and as I have often said, as one of my favorite quotes, “The Word of God is the anvil upon which the opinions of men are smashed.” (Charles Spurgeon) My opinion means nothing. The Word of God is everything. It destroys my idea of what life might be, by showing me the nature of my sin. It shows me the nature of man, and the trickery of the Devil. It shows me how to live a Godly life. It shows me how to resit the Devil. It shows me how to be a man of God, righteousness, holiness, and the depravity in which mankind lives. God’s word is the truth, I shall not devise my own ‘truth’ and allow sin to rule over me. The holy scripture of God, shows me what true strength is. It shows me how to be strong, yet meek. It shows me how to extend mercy to those who hurt me. It shows me how to bring peace to my home, even when the Devil steps inside. God’s word has changed me into a man who desires peace, to live in peace, to resit gossip, to stand up against injustice, but to live in the truth of the almighty God. We must stand firm on God’s word. We must not forsake one another in the trials of life, but come together in loving kindness in accordance to God’s word. 

Despite the hardships faced, and the heartbreak, life goes on. The darkness rises all around us, but a glimmering light shines to keep us reminded of the hope, that Christ is the light of the world. Even in the darkest of nights, the dawn always rises. The heart does heal, it just takes time. Scars often remain from hardships, but in our scars we learn, and we grow. Let us not allow our scars to leave behind the bitterness, and hatred that caused them to begin with. Let us seek to live life according to the wishes of our Lord God. 

Ashes to Ashes

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Ashes to Ashes

We often don’t think much about the draw of time on our bodies, or about time itself. I’ve been taking some time to think about what it was God said to Adam in the Garden of Eden just prior to his exile: 

By the sweat of your face

You will eat bread,

Till you return to the ground,

Because from it you were taken;

For you are dust,

And to dust you shall return.”

— Genesis 3:19

You must work, and work hard all the days of your life. You will eat the product of your work till your days end. This is the curse on which the human race is forced to live. Our lives are bound to the linear decay, a beginning, and an end of time. We face tomorrow with optimism, even though we have seen the perpetual onslaught of unanticipated trials and tribulations. While some people may plan for the future to have some struggles, it’s the reality that life will throw untold amount of struggles our way that we will never truly be able to plan for, or avoid. How do we handle life’s day to day struggles? We must face our lives with dignity and strength. How though is this done? When our struggle is the nature of time itself, we must understand our lives are truly only in the present. 

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, that it would worry for itself. Our lives are the moments in which we live. Sure, we can plan for tomorrow, but it’s the here and now, we must truly focus on. The little muscle in your mouth, what is said, how does it make others feel? What kinds of hurt does the tongue cause, and the damage does it do once those words are sent into the air. We cannot undo, nor can we live in the past. We often get stuck in a moment in time of the past. When I was a younger man, I experienced trauma, after trauma, after trauma, and in my own way, unbeknownst to those around me, I too remained trapped in moments of time. As a child, I learned how to use compartmentalization for every incident I faced. In a moment of weakness, a total loss of control, I faced my own mortality. A moment in time, when for a second, time seemed to stop. In that moment, the culmination of my failures tumbled down like castles built on sand, drowning in a tidal wave of regret, disappointment, and pictures of the trauma running through my mind. My world fell apart in a moment in time. But, since then, small moments have built upon one, and then another, and eventually life changed, and we rest upon today, this very moment where I am typing one word after another. I have survived trauma, after trauma, and several life changing events. I have overcome some pretty big obstacles as I have faced death head on, and God pulled me through, not myself. I do not have the power to beat death, but God has the power, that in me, He overcame the death of a soul, and as far as my physical body, God has seen fit to bring me through the brink of death, now many times over. A few weeks ago, my heart stopped as I lay in bed, aware the pacemaker would stop, and aware the inevitable outcome would likely be my heart stopping, and I would feel it slow, the world around me would fade, and black would surround me. The brink of death was upon me, and I had no control over it. When the time comes in our lives, the end of that verse will play out, from dust we came, from dust we shall return. God knows the date each of us will be conceived, and He knows the date we will draw our final breath. It’s this knowledge we must face the truth, there are only two things that truly matter in this life, our faith in Christ, and the people in our lives. 

On a regular basis we neglect the people in our lives by the things we say, the things we do, or more aptly, the things we don’t do. In reality, do we love others the way we should? Do we show that love to the people we care about? Do we show up when they need us the most? How do we spend our days, and what do we spend our days doing? What is it we focus on? What is it we put our time and effort into? These things often not only take our gaze off of our so called loved ones, but our Lord also. We have so little precious time with our loved ones, and yet we are derelict in our affections. Not only do we have sin in our lives against a Holy God, that sin goes out against those in our lives. Is the idol in our lives appointments? Is the idol in our lives, sports, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, or something else? We often fill our lives with stuff, and it’s that stuff that takes our focus from God, and the people in our lives. We let these many distractions of the world remove us from the lives of the people we once cared for. Days turn to weeks, turn to years, and we’ve all of a sudden lost track of people we once loved. The years creep in between, and before you know it, a car accident, an illness, something makes all the stuff we filled our lives with seem worthless and meaningless. How did we let so much time go by before we reached out? How did we let so much time go by before we told that person how we felt? How do we let that much time go by without talking to God? Time is not an ally, it’s an enemy. We can neither reason with it, or do anything to buy more of it. When time is up, it’s up. What did we do with the time that was given to us? Did we use it wisely, or did we waist it? Did we use the time God gave to us to glorify Him, and to share His gospel, to grow the kingdom? If we are evaluated on our time management, how well do we score? When sharing the love of Christ is the card in which we are judged. 

This is not a new perspective of mine, but rather one that has presented itself to me multiple times in my life. Having so many near death experiences tends to do that to a person. The difference now, rather than in my past, is in my past, I was the victim of hardships, rather than the survivor of hardships. My surviving, is not of my own doing, but the will of God. The will of God in my life is that He be glorified in my trials. Much like Steven, or Paul, Joseph, or Moses, praising God in the storm is how they got through it. Today, in this time, many people only praise God when life is good, but the moment something takes away that good feeling, God becomes the enemy. The reality is, we face a very real enemy in our lives, and it isn’t God. We are in a battle, just one we cannot see. All around us there’s a battle for our souls, and our lives. Demons roam this world sewing chaos, deception, and dissension among the mortal men. Angels go around nurturing those in need, bringing peace, and comfort, wisdom, and guidance. The war for our souls is won in Jesus Christ, because the end of time is already written, but today, here and now, we are still in the battle. Do we stand ready to fight in the here and now, or do we allow the world to dictate terms? Do we fight for what God told us to do, by loving one another thus fulfilling the Law? We are to love, and love takes effort. Love takes nurturing a baby fire, or a raging fire, but always tending to its needs. If the fire is left unattended, just like my fireplace, the fire will go out. Love takes action, and when we love the people in our lives, it takes action to show them love. How do we show up for them? Is it a text, or a call, a visit, or a card in the mail? With today’s technology, we have never been able to reach out to someone more easily to keep in touch, yet we have never been more distant from one another. Our own brilliance has been used as a tool by the Devil to separate us. Sadly, it worked. 

If heart surgery has taught me nothing else, it’s to cherish every moment. I myself am not afraid to die, in fact, in many ways, I long for it. That is not me wishing it would come today, but knowing what my tomorrow brings is something I long for. To have a glorified body, without the pain, without the tears, or the suffering of this world, but to live in paradise with the creator of the universe. The problem with death for a believer, is the hardships your absence brings to those who loved you and those you love. Sadly, I have seen it too often where the death of a friend is the catalyst that brings people together. It’s death that brings friends and family together who haven’t seen one another in years, who haven’t talked in that time. Death reminds us for a fleeting moment, that we haven’t talked in forever. Yet, in our day to day, we do nothing to change it. My wish for you is to look at your life and seek after those whom you love. Do not take time for granted because it isn’t your friend. Time slows, nor stops for anyone, and it bends it’s will to only our creator. What are you doing with the time given to you? One day we will return to the dust in which we were created. We cannot fight our expiration date. We may be able to extend life, or even push death back a little, but even those things are predestined by a Holy God. My open-heart surgery did not take God by surprise, and it is not lost on me that given this happened 30 years ago, I would likely have died. I was predestined to experience everything over the last few weeks, and how I handled them, do my actions highlight Christ, yes, or no? This is the biggest question I must answer for. Am I showing, and sharing love? Are people my focus, or is it other things? All these things I will answer for, along with my sins upon the day of judgment. Today is not the day I die, but perhaps, it’s the day I die to myself. Scripture tells us to die to one’s self, pick up thine cross and follow Christ. Carry that cross for all the world to see. Let the world know that you die to yourself, allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell inside you. Bringing your soul to life from the dead man/woman, you were. Being born again, and realizing the true bondage is that of sin, and that through sin, the world has a hold on you. The world tells you a load of lies, and we live according to them. What it means to be successful, to be beautiful, to be liked, or respected, but the biblical replies do not match with that of the world. Following Christ means we live different, we look different, we act different, we become different then the world. Our priorities change, and with that change, our relationships begin to change. Let us never forget why we are to love, and let us never forget what it means to love. Love is to lay down ones life for a friend. Love is to love like Christ loved and died for the church. Love is to be patient and kind, never jealous, never bragging or being arrogant. It never acts unbecomingly, and does not seek to lift up ones self, but lifting up others. It is not provoking, nor is it provoked. It does not keep track of the wrongs done, but washes away the wrong as our sins are washed away as if the slate was made new. Love, loves and rejoices in the truth, as it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Do we truly have the guile to say we love others like this? Many cannot say they truly love their own spouses like this. Yet, this is what we are called to do. This is how scripture defines love. This is the love we are called to love one another and our enemies, yet the smallest argument ends friendships. We face an enemy that is crafty like no other, and he wants to destroy you, to break you, to separate you, and ultimately, to devour your spirit, separating you from God. Satan uses time as his ally, and a weapon against humanity. While he cannot control time and space, he can entice us to forsake friends and family, and ignore our responsibilities. Sadly, we allow this to happen time and time again. 

I hope you read this and you find the time for old friends, and existing ones. I hope you find the time for your family, your spouse, your kids, but most importantly, that you find the time for God. My prayer is that you will seek God daily, and you give God the time He deserves. I pray you let go of worldly things that do little for your life, but does a lot to pull you away from important things. I’m not saying it isn’t okay to have hobbies like bowling, or fishing, hunting, or other things, but use those things to grow your relationships, or use those things to grow closer to God. While you’re fishing do you talk with God? While your bowling, do you share Jesus with your team, or the team next to you? While your kids are at soccer, do you let Jesus flow from your behavior? Let us use the time we have better. Let us continue to seek Jesus, and then share Jesus. Let us love others like we are truly called to love one another. Let us remember who the true enemy is, and focus on preparing for battle, because make no mistake, the next battle is right around the corner. Those who do not prepare, will be unequipped to handle it. We must be ready to fight, to hold fast, and know the word, so when the temptation comes, you can be ready with the word of God. Whole Armor of God, a soldier ready for the battle and never out of the fight. We fight till the day the Lord calls us home. Till that day comes, may God bless you, and may the Holy Spirit fill you, and let your cup fillith over.  

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The Week My Heart Stopped

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The Week My Heart Stopped

First of, I’m a 40 year old male, with no history of heart problems. My story is one that highlights the power and sovereignty of God. I suppose to understand, one must venture to the beginning, as to fully grasp the situation. The details are an important part of the story. June 19th was the last day of VBS (Vacation Bible School) at church. One of the youth, and a kid I’ve known for many years approached me with a challenge, a foot race. Having a bad knee, and knowing I’m not supposed to run, it’s odd that I accepted his challenge to begin with. A few months prior I had found out I had a hernia on the right side of my groin. One more reason to say no, but I didn’t. Against what would have been better judgement, I said okay. The foot race commenced and I won. A victory over someone, someone so young, was short lived as the next day I was in the hospital. That hernia decided to bulge, leaving me unable to walk. When the doc came in to ‘fix’ it, I was grateful. The conversation ended with me going along with what turned out to be double ingroinal hernia surgery. Not one but two hernias. This would not take place till October however, so I had the rest of the summer to enjoy.

The hernia surgery came on the 28th of October. It was a quick surgery and a success. That is, till a single day later when the gas from the surgery migrated up to my right shoulder, causing significant pain. During the CT scan, something odd was seen, not of the gas but with my heart. My Aorta was not the right size. I was sitting in my room waiting for the doctors and when one came in, it would quickly become a whole ordeal. Several more doctors from different departments would grace my bedside. A plan was being formulated for priority open heart surgery. How did I go from hernia surgery to open heart surgery in a day? It turned out, that my aorta root was a bit larger than it should. Surgery threshold is 5.5 cm, but my root measured around 6.3. As it turned out, I had what is known as a ‘Bicuspid’ valve. When someone has this defect, their muscles, and ligaments can sometimes be super stretchy. Could this be the problem with my neck and my knee? Perhaps. Surgery would be set for Nov 22nd. Just less than a month later after hernia surgery. The amount of scans and tests I had to do in the meantime kept me very busy. Unfortunately I was not able to prepare everything for the heart surgery as I had attempted to do for the hernia surgery. Being the man of the house meant I did the heavy lifting. Planning for two months was not only expensive, but took a great deal of thought. Going into hernia surgery I felt prepared to be limited for a while. Going into heart surgery left me feeling wholly unprepared.

The 22nd came, and my nervousness showed in all my blood pressure tests. The morning was early, and I had once again found myself in surgery safety prep on the fourth floor of the VA hospital in Durham NC. Some familiar faces graced my bedside as I was shaved from my shoulders to my feet. I had already had to shave my beared the night before which was difficult, and I shaved my head as well, completely changing the way I looked just 24 hours prior. Long thin hair, and a long beard, now gone. Surgery prep seemed to go pretty quick this time. Before I knew it, most of my team was at my bedside for one final walkthrough of my case. The heart model I took for them to sign was signed, my last will and testament was submitted, and i was as ready as I could be.

Four hours was all the time the doc needed to replace my aorta root, the valve, and stem. A rock star of the aorta valve replacement world. A surgery that would normally take 8 hours he did in 4. That night they would start to wake me up, and I remember still having the ventilator tube down my throat. At first I was okay, but the longer they took to remove it, while I was awake, the more I began to panic. My mind said get it out, even though it was doing the breathing for me, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. The tube was removed, and my memory foggy. I remember family being at my bedside, and a friend. The meds I was on, quickly put me back to sleep, till I was awoken the next morning to walk. Having multiple chest tubes, and an external temporary pacemaker, It took everything I had to get out of bed. I gripped my heart pillow with all the minuscule strength I had. Finally they got me up, I walked, and then I was back to the chair. In reality, I don’t remember much except being silly with my friend who was there, and my supportive bride. The medication they had me on was pretty strong and kept me in a fairly high state. By Tuesday, it seemed there might be something wrong. My heart wasn’t responding to being woken up. Test after test showed my heart was not responding and not functioning on it’s own without the pacemaker. Wednesday came, and the test was a 12 lead EKG, while they turned off the pacemaker. Essentially, they needed to see what was wrong, and what my heart was doing.

Wednesday, five days after heart surgery. The room was cleared so no one would see what happened, at my request. The leads were attached, and the nurse held my hand. The EKG started. Then, the countdown began, 3…2…1… and the pacemaker was turned off. My eyes couldn’t stay open, as I lost consciousness. My heart stopped. The test only kept the pacer off for 3 seconds, but for those 3 seconds, my heart stopped, and I was aware of it. I could feel the lightheadedness, the lack of oxygen flowing through my body. I could feel my body giving up the fight to stay awake. Within moments, I regained semi consciousness, and a few moments later it was better, but tears flowed down my face. How could life had come to this? By Friday I was scheduled to have a pacemaker installed. I am only 40 years old, and I have an artificial heart valve, and a device keeping my heart pumping. How could life have come to this? The answer is simple really, and can be found in scripture.

As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

— John 9:1-3

This wasn’t something God was doing to me, but something God saved me from. After a talk with one of my surgeons, I would find that the valve could have failed at any time. The valve description used was ‘gnarly’. So, in reality, both the valve, and the root were ticking time bombs. The root could have dissected, split open at any time. My plans were to be in the Philippines for Christmas this year. Instead I found myself having this surgery. God, has been in the details all year. From the original finding of the hernia, to the foot race, forcing my hand for surgery, to the gas going into the chest, which was fairly uncommon, to the incidental finding of my aorta on a scan not looking specifically at my heart. These things are too many coincidences to be considered coincidences. If the universe were truly chaos and random, then the odds of this many events culminating in life saving surgery, would be unlikely. But, that’s not how an Almighty God works. God saved my life, again. While my recovery has been difficult, and having the pacemaker adds extra challenges, the truth is, I was given the gift of life for Christmas.

This revelation of God’s sovereignty and grace, does not take away the hardships of heart surgery. It doesn’t take away the emotions left behind in it’s wake. When your body feels foreign, and broken, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Yes, I am bored at home, and walking is a challenge because there is no place good to walk inside. Being too cold outside, has made recovery a challenge. Having to put my car in the shop the day after being released from the hospital, and having a $3000 dollar car repair, right before Christmas, has left me feeling a bit down. The Devil has thrown much at me since my time home from the hospital. It isn’t just the body that needs to heal after this kind of surgery, but the mind as well. I have found myself struggling needing help with everything I do. I have felt like a burden, a waist of time, weak. I have felt sorry for myself a time or too also. The struggle to do what is necessary for the recovery of mind and body is not one easily found where I live. I live too far from the local mall to walk. We have no recreation centers with indoor tracks. We have no large stores other than a small Walmart and a Lowe’s which neither sound appealing to walk. I have some ideas I may implement soon, money though is the question. I know the Lord provides all we need, I question if something is a need or a want.

I am slowly recovering physically, but I do believe the recovery is still a long ways away. God being in the details gives me hope that there is a reason for His saving my life yet again. The time bomb in my chest was diffused, and I now have time to do whatever the Lord wishes. Both the valve and the root could have given way at any moment, but God stopped me from going across the world, to have this surgery, and I know there has to be a reason. I don’t know why God gave me this pace maker, but this too is part of the Lords plan. I have said before, ‘all we can do with the time given to us is choose how we reply to each moment of our lives.’ We don’t have a say in what happens to us much of the time. We can’t change what people say or do in our lives, except try to live as Godly as possible. Living for Christ, and making decisions based on what we think would be pleasing to Him is truly all we can do.

It astounds me to think just a few weeks ago my entire chest was cracked open, exposed to the world. My heart was in the hands of a stranger. The gift of life this Christmas came at the hands of God. God didn’t have to give us warning something was wrong. God could have just taken me home. For whatever reason, God saw fit to save my earthly life, and here I am fighting the good fight for the Lord of Lords still. God works in mysterious ways for sure, and while I do not know why it is God has seen fit to save my life, yet again, I will continue to serve the best I can. Sometimes it’s hard to raise a hallelujah. Sometimes it’s all we can do do get out those words to praise a Holy God. Sometimes the world has done a number on us, and we’re down on our knees for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the voice of God through the noise of the world. Sometimes it’s a storm tossed ship, wrecked and ravaged by the nature of this world. It’s in these moments, that we must raise the hallelujah. It’s these times we must praise God even more, and turn to Him for guidance and peace. Sometimes it’s a hard fought hallelujah, but in the battle we know it doesn’t belong to us. We know that Jesus already won the battle. The mighty victory cry he cried on the cross, ‘tetelestai’, or it is finished. This single word is more than just it is finished, but rather, the contract is complete, the battle is completely won, the bill is completely paid for. This was used in business, the debt is fully paid, judgment in court, sentence fully served, and the battle is fully won. How great is it to know that Jesus won our battles. The battle today is not of my own, or your own. We bare the cross yes, but Jesus already won the battle. The story we are in is already complete and will one day end. We see the battle, but Jesus sees our victory. When we see the deep valley, Jesus sees the triumph at the end of the road. We must take our troubles, and sorrows to the one who can do something about it, our Lord, our Savior, Jesus the Christ. We fight not against flesh and blood but in the spiritual realm of our souls. The Devil may break our bodies, he may attack our stuff, but what remains behind is our souls. Prayer is often underutilized. We often forget we have the ability to talk directly to the sovereign of the universe. We will suffer in this world, this was promised. Being a Christian, being a member of ‘the way’ is not one for the faint of heart. Jesus told us in scripture, it would take everything we have. Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.” To pick up your cross meant to die to yourself. To do so publicly as the world would see you carry your cross. It meant to be ostracized by society. It meant to kill away your sins inside yourself daily. To give up your own pride, and your own selfish ambitions, to give your life to the Lord, and to do so publicly, unafraid. We are told the path to the Father is a narrow one, and many would rather chose or walk the wide path of destruction.

Life is going to be full of hardships, and despite those hardships, Jesus won our battle. Jesus fought the fight, and won. He defeated sin, and we have eternal hope. People want to talk about love is love, but true love is telling someone the truth. Jesus said he didn’t come to unite, but to divide us. The truth is, 2000 years ago, the Devil lost his fight when Christ became victorious over death. We have not seen the last of the war, but we know that Christ wins the war. People often think of Jesus as sweet baby Jesus, or hippy Jesus. The truth is, when Christ comes back, it will not be for earthly peace. When Jesus returns, it’ll be to bring righteous war upon the world that has rejected Him, in His perfect judgment for the sins of the world. We do not know the time of His return, but we are called to be ready for it. Jesus will return, sword in hand, and with the legions of Angels He commands, will fight to destroy the remaining evil in the world. The bowl judgments will pour out upon humanity, the trumpets will sound, and eventually God will reverse creation, wiping out all what we know, and He will rebuild. Jesus, the Lion of Judah, is not a hippy love is love Jesus. Jesus said, if you love me you will follow my commandments, so we are to love God’s commandments, and not just the ones we like. Is this life hard? It sure is, but we have a God who understands. We have a God that put on flesh to understand our sufferings. Count it all joy my brethren when you endure trials. Swords must be tempered in fire. Gold purified in the fiery furnace. Steel for everything we use is forged. Why would we be any different? Jesus told us the truth, that this life is hard. He loved us enough to show us the truth in His sacrifice. It would be easy if Jesus said, ‘you’re life would be a piece of cake’. That however wouldn’t be the truth. Some so called pastors say this, but it’s a lie from the Devil. We are soldiers, so let us soldier up, and get back into the fight. When the Devil starts shooting those arrows at you, cover behind the shield God gave you. Then when the time is right, spring forward, sword raised high, and push forward. We are soldiers on the battlefield, and it’s full of death, destruction, hardships, but we have the might of God, and the Angels on our side. Keep fighting, because inside you is a roaring lion. The spirit of God, the spirit of courage, bravery, and a spirit of hope, we are soldiers in this life. Fight on, and never quit. The truth of God is all around us, we just have to look around. We see His truth in the complexity of the plants, animals, our own bodies, the universe. We will emerge victorious, because Jesus is victorious.

God saved my life, and I know that I’ve been saved by the blood. I’ve been given life, and I will not let the Devil win. I will not let the demons whispering in my ear to quit, win. I will not stop preaching and teaching His mighty word. I will crawl if I have to, but I’ll keep going. My life is in God’s hands, and I was a soldier in this earthly life, I am a soldier for God, and my family I will keep my Armor tight, and show them, not my strength, but the strength God has given to me. I am saved, born again, washed by the water. Hallelujah to my Lord, this is a long hard fought Hallelujah. Let God have the Glory in my life. Why am I going through these hardships? So God would be glorified through it. Let us turn to God and show him the praise and worship, only He deserves. One day I will be recalled from this duty station. One day, the Lord will say my watch is over. One day Jesus will tell me, well done soldier, now rest. One day I will take up residence where I truly belong. One day, I will see what I’ve been fighting for this whole time. I long for that day, but for now, I will serve God faithfully here. I will fight for my family. I will be the spiritual head of my home. I will fight back against the Devil, I will resist with all my might, and protect my family. My service isn’t over yet, and God saving my life, not once, not twice, but three times or more, tells me He still has plans for me. Into the battle, He’s prepared my fingers for war. Let us pick up the shield, the sword, and let us go do some work. Fight the good fight soldiers of Christ, your not done yet.

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The Arrow Preacher Podcast: The Truth Will Make You Free

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Jesus talks to the Pharisees and tells them the truth makes them free, but they have hardened hearts and do not see the Christ.

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John 8: 31-36
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A Godly life

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Follow me as we dive into living a Godly life.

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The Arrow Preacher Podcast: A Godly Life (Friday Edition)
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Protecting Our Witness (podcast)

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Join me as we do a short podcast; talking about our witness, and keeping forgiveness in our hearts.

The Arrow Preacher Podcast: Friday: Protecting Our Witness Podcast
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At Years End 2022

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The world isn’t a place for everyone. For some, the world is only paradise they will ever know. The price of darkness may never feel the need to attack you. See, this world can be like a prison. For some, they will stay inside their walls freely, never seeking to escape, never reaching for the open door. For others, the prison like those in the matrix, they can feel something is wrong with the world. “It is all around you, even in this very room. You can see it when you look out the window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.” (The Matrix) so many people are content eating their steak, and going about their day to day lives without care for the truth. People die young, cancer attacks a child, the wife has an affair and destroys everything. There is betrayal, and lies, and hardships beyond imagining. When was the last time you saw public outcry against Muslims, against their belief that homosexuality is a sin? Or that in Muslim countries there are strict laws against it. When was the last time you heard the outcry against Buddhism? Why is the world not attack other faith? I believe the answer is clear, why would Satan put time attacking something that isn’t true? Satan doesn’t see the others as a threat so there is no need to put his forces against falsehoods.

Sin does not need to be taught. Sin comes naturally in this world. We often cry out to God upset at the Father because of calamity that befalls us. How much of our struggle is of our own making? How much is caused by our own actions, our own lust of the selfishness and narcissistic behavior that lives in sin? When we are not walking with God we get mad at God for allowing disaster. Judgment comes in many ways to those who mock Gods commandments. When we are silent in our hearts about the sin that infiltrates and destroys our communities, judgment is imminent. We have spit in the face of God. We have turned our backs on His teachings. We have neglected his commands and commissions. Now as the world turns to darkness we cry out asking for salvation.

The path to destruction is wide and the way to salvation is narrow. The struggle in which we find ourselves can be seen as tests, or as a forge. In the military we train as we fight. We prepare for battle by simulating battle. We seek knowledge, and stamina by continually training. In a world clouded in darkness, those who wish to fight back, to stand firm against the enemy, must be forged into something new. You must be born again, for only those born again will enter the Kingdom of God. (John 3) If we are born again don’t we need to be trained for our new selves? Don’t we need to be taught and prepare for the obstacles we face in our new lives?

2022 was a rough year. From injuries, to illness, to setbacks in personal areas in my life, to kidney stones, to infections. After all the injuries and sickness, disappointment set in. On top of everything else, the longest run of depression i’ve ever had, had turned an already difficult year, into a battle of battles. What else would make for a truly awful year? Chronic pain. Chronic pain often brings forth and exasperates depression, fatigue, and of course pain. The hardships faced this year, for some would turn them a way from God. For me, it draws me near to Him. Does this mean, life isn’t full of frustration, or hardships of emotions. Of course this journey is hard, and full of emotions, but Jesus knows our difficulties. It’s precisely why the hope He offers is so much more important. What is it we fear? “Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. (Matthew 10:28)” In Jesus we not only find our hope, but our peace. “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. (John 14:27)”

Have I not seen Jesus in my life? Have I not felt his presence rest upon me as the enemy bared down to murder me? Have I not heard the voice of the Father, breathe new life into my lungs as life drifted away from my body? Faith, is an essential and interesting thing. What was it Jesus said to Thomas? “Jesus said to him, “Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed. (John 20:29)” I have seen, and I have believed. This does not make the journey less difficult, or even emotionally easier, but it does mean I have hope. It means there is rest at the end of this long race I run. Jesus overcame Sin, broke the chains that held us. We will have hardships, and trials, and even at times, we will be broken hearted. Faith in Jesus, and the path set before us is one many will endeavor to walk, but will fall away, run away, or stay away from. Jesus through the word, the Logos, has given us everything we need to traverse the difficult road ahead. We have his Word, the Helper (Holy Spirit) to be our guide. We do not travel alone but the brotherhood (sisterhood) of those who also follow the way. We have the testimony of those who walked before us and left us the eyewitness statements. We have the martyrs who gave up everything for the truth. We have our fellow believers who walk with us today. We have all the tools to manage through this struggle, and the Lord our God, prepares the called, he does not call the equipped. Blessed are the meek, the poor, the gentle, those who mourn, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, merciful, pure of heart, the peacemakers, the persecuted, and those insulted and persecuted because thy follow Christ. We must have faith in our path and lean not of our own understanding. We must trust the Father in the hardships we face. We must learn from our mistakes and be honest of our sinful actions and deeds. We must hold ourselves accountable and responsible to Gods law, not the law of Man which spits in the face of the Father. As darkness spreads and becomes all the more intense, allow Christ to shine through you ever more brightly. Snuff out the darkness, not of our own doing but that of the Lords work through us. We never know whom watches us, or the purpose of a thing, but we know, through Lord all things are possible. All hope resides in Him. For it is in Him miracles still happen. It is in Him, the lost see the light. It is in Him our actions may bring glory and honor to His name.

Let us lift up the Lord Jesus name and praise him in the storm. Let us worship Him in the rain, the sunshine, the coldest of nights, and the hottest of days. Be of good cheer and rejoice and sing Hallelujah, for even now Emanuel, Emanuel on the highest. Worry not about today, nor tomorrow. Trust in the Lord your God and fight the good fight, till He calls you home.

Path In The Dark

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Path In The Dark

Recently I was asked why it was I don’t write as much as I once had. Or, why I haven’t written lately. I must admit it was a fairly thought-provoking question. If I’m honest with myself, the reason I haven’t written, or filmed any new YouTube videos, isn’t very flattering. I suppose the biggest part of the question is being honest, and truly giving it thought. It’s always easy to make up something, and blow it off like it’s no big deal, but that’s not being honest, and worst of all it’s not being honest to myself. Sometimes the truth is painful, and it isn’t easy to say out loud. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit what’s been buried or kept deep down. So, what’s the truth? I’ve been afraid as Colonel Jessep once said, “You can’t handle the truth.” 

The truth is, after returning from the war, about a year after, I had a fairly significant break down, which led to me being diagnosed with PTSD. This led to me going into a therapy which at the time was fairly new and revolutionary. I went to the EMDR therapy for several weeks, working on my war time trauma. While this left me better, and in more control over the PTSD, I was left with long lasting issues, one of which was MDD, or Major Depressive Disorder. Not long after I would leave the military due to a knee injury. I would go through some significant problems in the years to come after the military, to include two very rough and hard divorces. So, what does all that mean for me now? Let us fast forward till 2022. This year I have been met with some significant challenges. In march I was assaulted at my job, and left me with a significant chest injury, and ankle injury. The ankle in October is still not back to what it was before March. March was the last time I would work. In June I would suffer a significant knee injury, which still is not healed. Within months of the Knee, I would have a major kidney stone that would take months to remove by surgery, which the healing time has been 5 weeks so far as of this writing. These injuries and illnesses have prevented me from doing most of the physical activities I would enjoy. In August of 2022 I would have a freak neck injury, which recently found out to be a worsening of a bulged disc in my neck, which has been problematic since my neck surgery in 2017. So, as you can see, this year has been one injury after another. 

The next part, I would like to preface, God works everything out. God’s plan is greater than our plans, and his understanding is beyond anything we could ever comprehend. In September I was passed over for a position I had applied for. Hindsight it was for the best due to my current disability status, but for me the hurt was real, and at the time I didn’t know I was going to see my disability status change. Regardless of the change in my status, the hardest part is feeling like I’m no longer needed. I guess I could say for several months I have felt like I’ve been fairly useless. Doing yard work has been such a challenge, that even when I do the work, the toll is very steep. The price I pay for a day’s worth of work around the yard, is two to three days of significant back and neck pain. The emotional toll is worse than the physical one. Feeling like I am useless at church, feeling like my contributions are small and not feeling needed anymore, to knowing how hard it is, and how little I can do around my own home is detrimental. My self-esteem has taken a major hit, and this year, for the vast majority of the year my emotional state has been fairly bad. In fact, my depression levels have been in the severe range for months (as of this writing). 

Depression these last several months has made it difficult for me to do even the most basic of tasks… Laundry, dishes, straightening clutter, vacuuming, dusting. Then there’s the more significant stuff, hanging out with friends, wanting to go do anything, exorcising what I can. There were several months I wouldn’t watch new shows because it required too much thought. Reruns were more comfortable and safer. My self-esteem has been so low I have not had many positive thoughts about myself in months. I looked at myself as being a failure. I questioned my value in life. I questioned my worth and my purpose. 

Most of my depression has been kept a secret. In public I smile, I laugh, I joke, and I say everything’s going fine. The only thing the average person knew was my physical issues, largely because I couldn’t hide them. My depression has been so bad I have had a hard time reading anything new, studying, and even listening to any new podcasts. The only thing that hasn’t been too affected is my prayer life, but even that isn’t where it should be. I have struggled so much, I haven’t been able to get myself to study to film my vlog. 

I have sat back and, on many days, I have had my phone next to me and it never rang. No text, no calls, no messages. I have sat up night after night suffering through insomnia with no one to talk too. I have felt useless, not needed, not wanted, broken, and lonely. 

I am very aware of the spiritual warfare I have been enduring this year. I have been in prayer about it, and I have asked for guidance and His strength to see me through. I have not given up hope, and I do not write because I look for pity, or sympathy. I have learned, sometimes writing is just good for the soul. Sometimes it’s good to put down what you feel to paper. I don’t know where my tomorrow goes, and what I’m supposed to do with it, but I know I trust God and His plan. I know I am not alone even though most of the time it feels like it. Two of the hardest things to deal with is having these new physical restrictions, and feeling like I am no longer needed, which in turn has made me question what my purpose was. Sadly, I am no closer to finding it than I was 3 months ago. Finding that I would be passed over for a job, was hard for me. The fact it happened and it didn’t seem like anyone cared about how it felt. No one asked if I was okay, or checked on me. The day the announcement was made, it was smiles, and laughs, and I was with everyone. It hurt deeply that no one, not one, said anything to me about how it must feel knowing how much I wanted that position. As I said, it’s a blessing now because I’m 100% disabled, but that’s only hind-sight. It was very emotionally painful to go through that. The following months my presence has felt more and more unnecessary.

I don’t know much these days, and watching as my health concerns get worse, and now getting to the point where I need help, I am left with financial concerns for how to take care of my family. I am left with physical concerns, how to take care of the home, emotional concerns, where I am meant to be and what to do. I am a late 30’s year old man, who lives in a tent, on a small fixed income, with a body that’s failing, a purpose that seems to be gone, in a place I feel useless. Whether this is true or not, it’s how I feel. As I said before, I know this is all spiritual warfare and I know God is in control, and I trust in Him, and I still have joy, and I look forward to the day I see Jesus in Heaven. I look forward to the day my body is restored and no longer broken. I look forward to the day when the hardships of my past are no longer a burden to carry. While there are things in this life I still want to experience, I cannot deny the daily hardships. Chronic pain is not easy to deal with, especially when it keeps you in bed. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I will continue to wake up every day the Lord has me in this world. I will continue to ask his grace and mercy, and forgiveness for my shortcomings. I will continue to ask for His guidance and will for my life. I will continue to ask his hand be put over me to give me courage, and strength to keep pushing forward and getting up every day. The mountain of stuff I’ve experienced this year have been considerable, I cannot deny the toll it’s taken on me both physically and emotionally. To say it’s been a struggle has been an understatement. While I still have new physical stuff to deal with, and a crushing weight of emotional hardships, I will keep up the fight and do the best I can. I guess, the moral of the story is, whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. My situation may not be the same is yours, but we all have our hardships to face. Keep seeking God and keep looking to him for guidance. You’re not alone out there, and while I cannot ever promise it’ll get better in this lifetime, I can promise heaven, the promise Jesus gave to us, that all who truly believe in him, repent of sins, and Love God with all your heart, will enter into the kingdom, a place of perfection. Hope is in Jesus, and knowing Him, and growing your relationship with him, well… That’s what’s kept me going. People will fail you. Struggles will befall you. Your body may grow frail, but Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is there, and his promise is stronger than anything known to man. Know Jesus, and let him into your heart. Let him transform you, so that even in the heart of the storm, you have peace, and joy. While I do live with major depressive disorder and other physical issues, I have maintained joy in my heart. Not for another day here on Earth, but that when my job here is done, whatever that may be, I’ll be able to go home. I’ll be able to leave this body, for a new one. I’ll be able to dance with the angels and rejoice over the King of Kings. I have prayed that when I get to Heaven, I’ll have a better singing voice so I can sing praises pleasing to the ear. Dance without pain for the Lord. Be at peace. 

Life was never going to be easy. Living in this world was going to come with trails and hardships, but through it all, Jesus gives us light and hope. You’re not alone and if you need help, reach out to someone. Find someone who can listen. Seek those who would give you Godly counsel. Seek those who will help you bear the burden and lift you up when you need it. Never stop seeking God and his guidance. Never stop the prayers and above all, don’t lose hope. May God bless you, and be with you, always. 

Finding Value

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You will never be able to please everyone. You will not always be valued by everyone. You may question your own value, your own place in this world. You may feel like you’re all alone in a sea of people. You may downplay your worth. You may feel ignored or pushed aside. The truth is, this isn’t uncommon. These attacks of spiritual warfare are designed to wedge between you and the Father. No matter how you feel, the reality is sinners cannot be the determining factor of your value. Sinners will always let you down, and fail you. Our value comes from Christ alone. We have value only because Christ values us. It’s the love Christ gives to us that makes us valuable. There is sentimental value on us even though we are enemies of God. It’s here we find ourselves. Not by which the world says we have value, which is selfish idol worship, but rather in the Love the Father gives knowing every intricate part of us, since He knitted us together and knew us before the formation of the universe. Do not fall victim to the fancy and shiny lure of the world, but understand what true love is, what true love looks like. That’s where you’ll find your real worth, your real value. That’s where you will find true love.