Tag: faithful

Akula, kotorya Ne plavayet, Ne tonet. “The shark that does not swim, drowns.” (Part 2)

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Akula, kotorya Ne plavayet, Ne tonet. “The shark that does not swim, drowns.” (Part 2) 

Many years ago, I wrote this post, and it has been a timeless piece. Before the start of 2025 it had 11,666 views. Since 2025 so far it’s had another 49 views equaling 11,715 views. Since at the time of this writing the first of the year was 42 days. Which means this old post has been seen at least once a day since then. One of the most popular posts I ever made. Perhaps it was the name, that it was written partially in Russian, perhaps it shows up when people search it because it was seen in the CW show Arrow. I decided since it was so popular, and still is, that I would revisit it and perhaps update it. 

The Old Post 

{ In our walk with Christ it’s important that we never stop moving. The call of the Great Commission was one that would continue till the day we are called home. Philippians 3:12-14“12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”In life it’s hard to not live in the past. It’s hard to have faith and live in the present. We must always continue to move forward but remember to do so in accordance with God’s plan for you. If your plans are just and faithful then perhaps God will allow for your plans to come to pass.

Joshua 1:7“7 Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success[a] wherever you go.” Some kinds of sharks will drown if they do not continue to move. As such we too must continue moving. Isaiah 43:18-19“18 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”We must learn from the past, but do not stay in the past. We must not allow ourselves to be consumed by grief, by despair, by fear, or by hatred. We must not allow ourselves to relive our past over and over again.

Galatians 2:20-21 “20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” Our savior died for us, to wipe away the sins of old to free us to move forward in the new light.

As we move forward to Easter Sunday remember what the past is. The past was sin and death. Christ took that from us, he set our new path. Don’t loose sight of the meaning behind Easter. Don’t loose sight of our journey forward. Follow Christ and never turn around. }

Akula, kotorya Ne plavayet, Ne tonet. “The shark that does not swim, drowns.”

Now, let us look at this. Our walk is not an easy one. In fact, when we look to Jesus, and to see what He called on for His disciples we see a few things, first: He called us to count the cost. 

Luke 14:25-33

25 Now large crowds were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them, 26 “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. 27 Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. 28 For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? 29 Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him, 30 saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ 31 Or what king, when he sets out to meet another king in battle, will not first sit down and consider whether he is strong enough with ten thousand men to encounter the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32 Or else, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. 33 So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.

Lets break this down, first we see that although we love our parents, they should never be exalted higher than Jesus. In fact, nothing is higher than Jesus. We love our wives, we love our children, but Jesus must always come first. Let us look at what we know. Jesus calls Simon to him, from the shore where he was fishing. Simon, later named Peter, was the only Apostle married that we know about. Peter would follow Christ, and would later be martyred for Christ. Peter, knew the cost of continuing to follow Christ, and left a wife, and maybe kids, to follow Christ. One who loves his own life so much that he or she chases worldly things, over Christ, is not a true disciple of Jesus. There is a true cost to following Christ, but worth everything worldly we may lose to do it. 

Jesus told us in scripture that He did not come to bring peace to this world, but that He came with a sword, to divide. 

Luke 12:49-53

49 “I have come to cast fire upon the earth; and how I wish it were already kindled! 50 But I have a baptism to undergo, and how distressed I am until it is accomplished! 51 Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? I tell you, no, but rather division; 52 for from now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. 53 They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”

It is not an easy thing when you come to Christ, and are faced with the response from others close to you. Perhaps you’ve experienced this, where you came to Christ and all of a sudden there are those around you who turn hostile towards you. Or, perhaps there were people in your life who had been trying for years to turn your attention towards Christ. Jesus here is telling the people, that his mission was not what they expected. It was not to become King, and overthrow Rome, but rather to build the bridge for us back to Heaven. For us to have repentance and in that repentance the forgiveness of sins. To bridge the gap of the gentiles, to complete His flock. Jesus is the salvation for our sins, but also the King of kings. As a Christian, we must remember that the cost of following the Lord is a high price, but one that is always worth it. The apostle Paul speaks on this, 

I have been in this very situation, where as some of you know, I had the choice to undergo open heart surgery recently (At the time of this writing). I did not have to do the surgery, and at some point the aorta would rupture, or the valve would fail, and I would die, going home to Christ. However, after prayer, I decided to do the surgery. 

Philippians 1:21-26

21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again.

Paul, having been to prison multiple times, and having been beaten, and mocked, it can be understood that he was physically tired. I am by no means saying I am anything close to the greatness that the Apostle Paul was, but I do understand the tired. I understand the desire to go home to Christ. But, in that breath, I understand the need to keep moving forward. We as Christians are always being attacked by the deceiver. We are always being hunted and stalked by Satan and his demons. There’s a secular song, that I listen to called “Unsinkable” By: SailNorth. He does sea shanty style music, and this particular song resonates with me. 

Аіm high, ѕwing hаrd

Lеave it оut there

No regrets

Му blood is in the water and the sharks are takin’ bеts

Тhey сircle in, waitіng for my final breath

Вut they won’t see me drown

*** 

Lightning strikes, calling demоns from the deep

The thunder’s throwin’ punches, tryin’ to knock me off my fеet

But I won’t bow when their shadows cover me

My cоurse iѕ carved in stone

When the wind rips the tide

I will sail

Reaсh the other sіde

Let the storm roll on wild

І wаs born for this

The chorus says he’s unsinkable. When the sail is torn, he’d still reach the other side. The resilience of a man determined not to die. 

I see it as my determination not to let Satan get the better of me. I realize that living the life of a Christian is incredibly hard, but to give up one’s life is to gain Christ. Dying is easy, but living is hard, I have looked back at my choice to remain in this world, and sometimes, I have regretted that decision. However, I have my loved ones to think about, and I ask God, what He wants me to do. I wish I could afford a large house with an empty upstairs so I could start the canteena mission. I feel God has laid a great desire upon my heart, and I hope one day, I’ll be able to see it fulfilled. God has spared my life many times by way of miracle, and I know that I have to keep moving forward, or else I’ll drown. We as Christians must continue to grow in the word. We must be able to make a defense for our faith. We must continue to grow so we know what the word says on how to combat the devil’s attacks in temptation and sin. We must know what to do about the draw of the world, and how to resist Satan and his lies, and the sin that plagues our hearts. We cannot remain baby Christians forever. We cannot stay on the milk, but rather graduate to solid foods. Each and every day, we must be sanctified by Christ, seeking to be more and more like Him with each passing day. While we are justified once, (Just as if I have never sinned) we cannot stay where we were yesterday. So how do we do this? 

First, we must come to Christ. We must realize we are sinners, and doomed for Hell. Once we acknowledge the need for a savior, we seek Christ Jesus. We go to Jesus and ask for Him in our hearts. We repent of our sins and believe in Jesus, and put our faith in Him. This is the day of our justification. From this day forth we must grow in Jesus. We must allow the Holy Word of God to infiltrate our hearts, and let us grow closer to God. We must seek first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33). We must desire and be thirsty for the Word. We must desire to know God, and the only way to truly know God, is to read the Bible. IF we stop reading the Bible, essentially, we stop growing. If we stop growing, essentially, we stop swimming, and of course we know that, the shark that does not swim, drowns. Let us not stop swimming, let us not stop craving the Word of God. Let us continue to grow closer to Him, and lean not upon our own understanding, for the Lords ways are not our ways. (Proverbs 3:5 – Isaiah 55:8-9) 

Go, seek first the kingdom, continue to grow in the Lord, do not grow stagnant, or complacent, for that is when the attacks of the Devil will come and breach the walls of your home, will find the cracks in your armor, and will wreak havoc in your life. Do not become a broken home because you allowed evil to permeate your life. Be ever vigilant, because the devil doesn’t take a day off, and neither can you. 

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Wake UP

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Wake UP 

As most of you know, well, maybe not most, but anyone who knows me, knows I love the movie the Matrix, and not just the movie, but the whole series. The women in the red dress speech, speaks to the reality that is repentant sinners, verses, unrepentant sinners. I have said before, the only difference between myself, and Hitler, is that I am a repentant sinner, and he was not. Sure, I’m not a homicidal madman bent on world conquest, but I am a sinner, and at the foot of the cross, our sins have the same equal heavenly punishment; eternal damnation in Hell. I saw someone post recently, why does God allow animals to suffer since they have no sin. That’s a fantastic question, but simple to answer; animals were the care of Adam and Eve, along with the plants in the Garden of Eden. Sin, is not just what we do, but a corrupting force that affected not just Adam and Eve, but the plants and animals also. There was no death in the garden, but an animal had to die to for God to make garments of skin. I think many people believe they had tree branches for clothing, but scripture is clear. An animal suffered the first physical death because of what Adam and Eve had done. Time also entered the Earth. The decay of time begun, and since then, we are all slaves to it, and we are all victims to the sad decay that time brings. Sin, brings this upon us, and sadly animals while innocent, have a new nature in the world of sin. As a friend and pastor once said, in the Garden you could have had a pet raptor, now that raptor would eat you. But in today’s current world, you see a lion is no longer tame, but a predator. Sin has wide reaching effects upon this fallen world. 

I have been looking at my life and have thought recently, I would wake up from this nightmare. Finding out just a couple short weeks ago, that my Aorta is dangerously large, and would require immediate surgery, has been a waking nightmare. I have, in that short time, experienced many emotions and have lost an untold number of tears. How could this be happening to me? As a friend told me recently, “I’ve never seen anyone with a worse hand delt to them.” That same friend years ago said, “IF it wasn’t for bad luck bro, you wouldn’t have any luck at all.” I have begun thinking about what he said, and while on the surface it looks true, I think there’s more going on than that. It wasn’t luck that we found the Aorta; it was God. It wasn’t luck that I had the hernia that led to the surgery, that led to the gas in my chest, that led to us finding the Aorta, it was God. Lucky, or God? If I had only bad luck, would I have not just died some random time? There is no denying, I have endured more hardships than most people, but God has seen me through each of them. At no point was I ever alone, and going all the way back to my childhood, God has placed the right people in my life, to help me through hardships. Bad luck, or Godly providence? It wasn’t luck we (My squad) survived the ambush in Iraq, it was God’s providence. What does providence mean? I’m glad you asked, Providence means: the protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power. (Dictionary.com) It was not luck I survived the GSW in 2016, but God’s providence. In that lowest time of my life, I found myself looking up, and there was the Lord’s hand, to grab me and bring me to life. I had been trying my whole life to keep one foot in the bible, and the other in the world. I was trying to live both lives, and eventually a battle had to happen in my life, and forced me to kill off one side. That bullet, for all intense in purposes, that bullet killed the other side of me. The saving grace from God, and the forgiving nature, was supernaturally experienced, as I lay there dying in the ambulance, I was hearing the voice of God, in a thunderous reply to my sincere apology for my actions and wrong doings, “You’re Forgiven.” I awoke a new man. Today, I am now 48 hours from life changing surgery. Through all these hardships, it is not luck that has allowed me to survive, but God’s grace, and His divine plan. My hardships have not been to punish me, but rather to forge me in the fires of trials, so that I may have a glorious divine testimony. God works out the details, and if we just take a moment to seek His face, we would see Him working in our lives. But, it requires trust, and faith. 

The life I have lived, while difficult, has left me with a great understanding of God’s grace, and sovereignty. It is this sovereignty that gives me hope, because I know, that no matter what happens to me in this life, my soul is His. I am merely a clay pot for God’s choosing and purpose. No matter what happens to me in this life, I know that into his hands, my soul is His, and one day this broken body, will be upgraded to one of glory, adorned with a crown. I long for home, but know that as long as I draw breath, God’s plans for me are to continue to share the Love of Christ, the Holy Scripture in which He has left us, to live our lives by. My whole purpose is to be the hands and feet of God. What an honor it is to serve the Lord on high. What an honor it is to be given the opportunity to teach about Jesus, and His life, and for myself to learn and grow closer to God. I am nobody without God, but because of God, I have value. My value comes from God dwelling within me, otherwise I am a dead sinner. God didn’t come to earth because I have value, God came to earth so I would have value. God has shown me the nature of humanity, the depravity that curses our actions, our thoughts, the blackness upon our souls. But with the blood of Jesus, we see that blackness washed away. We see the change in a person as they are born again, when they accept the name of Jesus, repent of their once wicked ways, and takes up their cross daily to follow Jesus. What an honor it is to be chosen by God, to be predestined, to be counted among the few, to worship, honor, and bring Him glory. How can I complain about a heart surgery, when I cannot say with certainty what is good or bad in this life. I do not mean what is good or bad regarding sin nature, but that which happens to us, from breaking ones arm, to getting into a firefight in Iraq, to losing a wife to an affair. There is certainly difficulty in these things, but for us to say if something is good or bad, we cannot. Things direct our path, and we cannot say if one event is bad, because if that “bad” event pushes us towards a new path, one of peace, and prosperity, or even a sinner repenting and coming to Jesus, then, those things are not bad, they are just, things. Sin is bad. How we respond can be good or bad. Do we respond in a way that is of this world? Things like yelling, throwing tantrums, saying or doing hurtful things to people. Being selfish, or prideful. These things are bad because they are not of God. Good, is being patient, listening before speaking, being faithful, edifying and lifting up with our words. Allowing ourselves to do good works in the name of Christ, so He is glorified, not so we may receive credit, but that God gets the glory. These things are good. 

I have come to find, that even though I am a faithful follower of Christ, that does not mean my mind always cooperates the way I think it should. I have found myself struggling with emotions leading up to this surgery. Some fear, not of death, but that I will be a burden for others to take care of. Even being a burden for someone else to take care of, allows others to be the hands and feet of Christ. Things like this, allows others to be the hands and feet of Christ, through mercy, and grace, love; by ways of sending cards, food, gifts, messages, etc. What looks bad, may be a way for us to show our faithfulness to a Holy God. Following Jesus is not an easy thing, in fact, it’s darn hard sometimes. Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength I have to say Hallelujah. Sometimes the storm shakes and breaks me down, but even when the storm rips the sails, and I’m at the mercy of the waves, I say Hallelujah. When Satan’s attacks are more than I can take, and I’m down on the ground, bleeding, tired, that’s when even my whisper brings the legion of Angels sent by God to surround me and pick me back up. God is always faithful, and no matter what happens in this life to us, God deserves our praise, our worship, our song of Hallelujah. When it isn’t easy, and life truly is pounding upon your Armor of God, may the Holy Spirit, and the legion of Angels come to minister to you, the reinforcements waiting for the word from God to come to your side, if they aren’t already there. It may be the hardest thing in the world to go through, but what is a few 70-90 years of hardships to an eternity of Heaven? Do we think Christ didn’t go through hardships? Let us seek scripture; John 12:27- “Now My soul has become troubled; and what shall I say, ‘Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify Your name.” Then a voice came out of heaven: “I have both glorified it, and will glorify it again.” So the crowd of people who stood by and heard it were saying that it had thundered; others were saying, “An angel has spoken to Him.” Jesus answered and said, “This voice has not come for My sake, but for your sakes. Now judgment is upon this world; now the ruler of this world will be cast out. And I, if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to Myself.” But He was saying this to indicate the kind of death by which He was to die. The crowd then answered Him, “We have heard out of the Law that the Christ is to remain forever; and how can You say, ‘The Son of Man must be lifted up’? Who is this Son of Man?” So Jesus said to them, “For a little while longer the Light is among you. Walk while you have the Light, so that darkness will not overtake you; he who walks in the darkness does not know where he goes. While you have the Light, believe in the Light, so that you may become sons of Light.”       These things Jesus spoke, and He went away and hid Himself from them.

— John 12:27-36

Jesus became burdened knowing His time was soon to come, the purpose of his human life was nearly at hand. A burden we can know nothing of since we have never tasted Heaven. A burden of leaving perfection for this sinful place. Jesus, a perfect person, lived among hardships, illness, suffering, and He Himself, knowing Heaven, it must have been difficult to live in such conditions. Knowing he would undergo a death so hard, we cannot fathom the pain he endured. For an infinite being to taste death, the first time the forever trinity would see just what death was like, is more than any mortal being can understand. Our time is linier, but Jesus would be both God and man at the same time. Jesus would later bleed through His pours as he would sweat blood from the stress He was preparing to endure. Our savior Jesus Christ, knows our struggles. He has endured them as well, so here we are, preparing for hardships in our own lives, let us focus on Him. 

The struggle keeps us focused on God, so we would not become too prideful, or self-focused. Hardships build character, and perseverance. Let us seek God and I can think of no better way to say this than which has already been said. 

Hard Fought Hallelujah. 

I’ll bring my hard-fought heartfelt

Been-through-hell hallelujah

I’ll bring my storm-tossed, torn-sail

Story to tell hallelujah

God, You’ve been patient

God, You’ve been gracious

Faithful whatever I’m feeling or facing

So I’ll bring my hard-fought, heartfelt

It is well hallelujah

I’ve wrestled with the darkness

But I’m trying to reach for the light

Yeah, the struggle keeps me honest

And it breaks down the walls of my pride

‘Cause faith isn’t proven like gold

‘Til it’s been through the fire

Yeah, yeah

My head, heart and hands are feeling heavy

And that’s when I lift them just a little higher

Let us remember that no matter what we endure, what is this trouble when heaven is forever? 

1 Peter 5:10 “10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” We are being refined daily, sanctified to purify us like the gold, placed in the fire, to separate the world, from the Holy. It is well, with my soul, that these hardships, the fire I endure, the storms that rage on around me, should bring me to God, to seek his Glory, to seek His face, to let him continue to forge me like a beautiful sword, needing to be heated, beaten, shaped, forged in the fires of trials, to be prepared for the war waging all around me. I may shed tears, but God holds them in His hands. I may struggle at times, but His strength raises me up. I may fall, but His hand pulls me out of the water. I may be in the middle of the fire, but His presence stops me from being burned. I may be a prisoner to my sinful self, but His angels comfort me, and break the bonds that once kept me captive to this world. So, let us seek God, and know that our tomorrow is not of this world, but a beautiful place where there is no sin, no tears, no suffering. So, in leu of this hardship, it is well, with my soul. My heart beats, and will beat again. I will have a story to tell, to share, and I shall not allow the Devil to lie to me, to sway me, to belittle me, to bully me into feeling sorry for myself. I am a child of God, and I am a warrior for Christ. I will stand tall, I will heal, and I will carry on the fight. I will hold my ground, even if I’m battered, and bruised, even if my body is broken, I will dig in and hold fast this line, because God is in my corner, and if God is for me, who than can be against me? I’ve been through hell, but to Jesus I say Hallelujah. Thank You, Jesus for my hardships, and for being Lord in and over my life. It is well, with my soul. 

Let us wake up and see the nature of this life and though there is sin in this world, it is those we seek who seek answers in this life. Those willing to be unplugged from the world, let us share the Gospel so the truth may find those who Jesus has chosen. Let us be warriors for Jesus, to wake up those asleep, for it is only God’s word that can wake the sleepers. God’s word is power, and let us share the Gospel of peace, and know that Jesus overcame death, so we would live in his resurrection. This world is a minefield, but the word of God never returns void, so let us be warriors, soldiers for the Lord. Change comes from the Spirit. We cannot remain the same when the spirit awakens our hearts and it beats again. We cannot live in sin and Jesus at the same time. Wake up, oh sleeper, wake up and see your breath Jesus has given to you. With all malice put away your sinful self. Cut that sin out of your life, and be at peace in the Lord. Wake up and feel the change within your heart. Wake up, and know it is well, with your soul. 

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I’m Shameless

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I’m Shameless

Growing up, I often kept my faith to myself. I was already facing constant discrimination and bullying because of my economic class, I didn’t want to face more degradation, and belittling. I spent many years secretly praying, and worshiping without friends knowing. I placed so much emphasis on what others thought, that I hid what should have been most important. I concealed what I should have been screaming from the hilltops for all the world to hear. 

The sad truth is, for much of my young life, I prayed not of Gods glory, but rather his mistake. I prayed to God to let me die for a long time. I was miserable for so many years I couldn’t see anything else. I couldn’t understand why Jesus would allow me to be in such misery. I couldn’t understand why I was created the way I was. I often cried myself to sleep just wishing I wouldn’t wake up again. I prayed that the Lord would take me home, and I didn’t care how. After 1997 I renewed my cries to end my suffering. God it seemed had something else in mind. 

Starting in 1995 I began bouncing around where I lived, and as God would have it, I would eventually find myself and my path, but not one of smooth trails, but rather thistles, twists, turns, and more heartache I ever thought I could face. The truth is, I was a very broken person, and not knowing or understanding the true nature of God, I had no idea how to manage what I was feeling. It wasn’t till my adult years, and after a significant, life threatening trauma, that I would learn the true love of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

After a life threatening gunshot wound, I would nearly die in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. I would be somewhere between life and death, and in that moment, hearing the words of God, “YOU’RE FORGIVEN!” I came to understand. This life is a journey, one that prepares us, forges us, for what’s to come. This life is about loving Jesus, and loving the other humans that are also on their own journey. Scripture tells us ““Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.” If the gate to Heaven is so narrow, then every moment in this life matters. How much do we have to truly hate our neighbors, that we shall not share the saving grace of Jesus. As the Apostles before us died for their faith, what will we lose for Jesus? Do we keep the light of eternity hidden under a bushel? If we are afraid of the world, and what they may say, or do, should we not be more afraid of standing before the Judgment Seat of the Father? What can the world do to us, when eternity is on the line? Who should come to the father who has denied his Love for others and the teaching we have at our fingertips? Do we prefer the acceptance of the world over that of an Eternal Hell? I call to you my brothers and sisters, do not sit in this life upon the word of God, but rather, stand boldly and share it. 

As my life nearly ended in my own sorrow, I found reformed perception, and we cannot be ashamed of our faith. We cannot deny Christ as Peter did. Peter saw the error of his ways, and going from denying Christ three times as prophesied by his Lord, he was crucified upside down, as not to die in the same manner as his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Are we willing to stand up and be bold in our faith? 

Going through so much as a child, and seeing war as a young adult, and then surviving two marital affairs that came with tremendous heart break, being forced to rebuild multiple times, I have had my life compared to that of Job. Didn’t the Lord restore Job and I have seen in my own life the Lord restored to me more than I had before. The Lord restored my faith, rebuilt me, gave me meaning in this life. The Lord saved a wretch like me, and gave me direction. While the struggles in life will assuredly continue, I can face tomorrow with assurance that I am not alone in my fight. As Paul said, he ran the race, and fought the good fight. Paul who gave up everything for the name of Christ, who gave up wealth, prestige, peace, notoriety, friends, and family, he couldn’t be silent in the truth. See, we often look at truth in today’s society as fluid, but Paul shows us, that it isn’t a fluid truth, but rather one truth. To give up a lush life, for one of pain, suffering, struggles, and ultimately death, one does not do this lightly or for a lie. Paul could not stay in his sinful ways, hunting and murdering those who followed the way of Jesus. Paul had to acknowledge the truth, and knowing what it would mean, he would stand before man and boldly proclaim the name of Christ. He would take the beatings, the stoning’s, the jailing’s, and ultimately beheading, for the name of Christ. We stand here today afraid of being mocked and ridiculed, but what is true persecution. Jesus tells us we will be persecuted, but I call to you Christian, do not be blind to the world, but open your eyes to see where we are, and where we are going. Jesus shows us that persecutions will come, and while here in the U.S. we are headed towards persecution, in many parts of the world persecution means certain death. Here we hide because we want to be accepted, but accepted into what? 

We are so afraid to share our testimony, or our experiences of how Jesus has changed us, we are not glorying Jesus as we should. Having been there myself, surrounded by those who would laugh, and point fingers, I spent years running from the truth. Do not be afraid my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ. Stand tall, and stand firm on the truth, and do not be conformed to this world. Do not allow this world to influence, to change, or alter scripture. Do not change the word of Christ to fit into the world. Scripture is clear that we are not to be conformed to the world. We must stand firm on the Word of God, which needs no alterations. Everything we do, needs to be through the lens of Christ. Everything we do must be held to scripture. Everything we say and do will be held accountable before the only Judge, and we will have no excuse. When the world says one thing, point to your Bible which is truth. As Garth Brooks once said, “Son, it ain’t what you’re drivin’, or the clothes that you wear, material possessions won’t matter up there. Someday in heaven when the angels all sing, these rags that I’m wearin will be fit for a king.” It isn’t the material possessions, the fame, the prestige, the acceptance of the world, that will save you. It’s better to be on the outs with the world, than to be on the outs with Jesus. 

This world is changing, and moving into a dangerous direction. If you’re going to change the world, start with the person in the mirror. Follow truth, and realize the blessings God has done for you. Do not stray from scripture, the truth, but instead accept it, that needs no changing. My heart was set free from this world, and has been grafted with the Holy Spirit. Mend your broken heart with the Blood of Christ. Take that transfusion, and let his Blood heal you, replacing the disease we know as sin. Let Christ be your great physician, and let us heal this world, by sharing the TRUE love of Jesus Christ, and his infallible, unwavering, words of truth. If 12 nobody’s can change the world, who stood tall in their faith, imagine what we can do, if we stand on His truth. God Bless. 

My Care Factor

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My Care Factor

If you don’t like the truth that’s not my fault. I didn’t choose the rules, or do I pretend to understand why, but the evidence is tallied up and it’s undeniable. The anger that has filled this world and the attacks that fly in the dark, guess what, I’m not getting into the ring with you anymore. I’m not going to be your punching bag all because you can’t handle your own life. I am sick and tired of being the bag and I’m not going to continue to duct tape my leaks. I’m going to move on and pray for the souls of the lost. Hatred, anger, even ignorance isn’t an excuse, and I’m not going to allow you to sit in my life and say my faith is “B**********”. I’m not going to allow someone to disrespect my faith and think that’s ever okay. I have far too much respect for God then to sit back and be okay with that. I didn’t write the rules; I didn’t decide what was okay, and what wasn’t. I won’t allow myself to give up. I won’t allow my night to fade away without fighting back. I will stand and fight, and no matter the chains I’m tied in, I will push myself harder, I will push myself farther, and my God is my faith, my strength, my joy, and no one can steal that from me. When my care factor runs to empty, my Lord restore my cup, fill my chalice till it overflows, for you are great, you are holy, and I am your faithful servant.

As I’ve been considering my position in this life I am realizing I’ve allowed people to sit in it, and talk to me however they want, and I overlook it. I am a human being and I have feelings. I sit here looking at my life and realizing “I would rather stand with God and be judged by the world, than to stand with the world, and be judged by God” It can be a lonely place dealing with the fallout, but as I have come to understand what’s going on in my life, a wildfire purge has started and though I don’t know when it’ll end, I have to have faith that the ground will be fertile and spring forth new relationships, and they will flourish. Romans 12:2 (NKJV)2 “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Trusting in the Lord and having faith that all things will work out and people are always going to fail you is something one cannot forget. Scripture is clear about putting your faith in the hands of man.

Knowing the reality of this world and facing the real consequences are two different things. The cuts come deep when feelings are dismissed, when words are thrown, and you are no longer a person, but something expendable. I feel lost and discouraged, and I try to shut my feelings off but they come and come, and I face the day one moment at a time. I know God is good to me, and as my frustrations boil over, I trust that God has plans for this time. I will not allow this world to defeat me. I will not back down, and I will say goodbye to any who things I can be disrespected and do nothing. I will not be that person any longer. I will have respect for myself for the first time in my life. I will hold myself higher because no one else will. Today I am weak, but I know I will overcome. I have God on my side, and I will fight these demons that rise up against me.

If you have people who come to use you, to treat you as a punching bag, to only take parts of you and ignore others, then it’s time to set healthy boundaries. It’s time to have respect for yourself, and treat yourself better by not allowing yourself to be beaten down by others. I have open wounds and one by one salt is poured in. I call to my Father to save me, to deliver me from the evil that surrounds me. I call upon my Lord to strengthen me, to show me the sun in the darkness. I will not give in because I have a reason to fight. The darkness will fall and I must wait for the third day for the sun to rise on the East. Things are changing all around me, and I am not sure what to expect tomorrow. As I say goodbye, I know that my Father will never say goodbye to me. The exodus continues, as God has started the wildfire burning down the old. Faith, is all I have.

They All Leave

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They All Leave

It has dawned on me that in the last two weeks I have watched people who have left my life as quickly as they entered. I have found a hidden talent in m life to somehow push everyone away. I haven’t been able to figure out if it’s what I say, how I say it, or some other combination. It’s hard not to feel as if somehow I am at fault. Time is a constant for us, but sometimes we can get stuck reliving a moment in the past. The past can define our thoughts about ourselves and create unrealistic expectations. The expectations we place on others, or how we see ourselves when something goes wrong can be a place in history that we never left.

When we consider life and it’s ups and downs, the biggest thing we must learn, and the sooner the better, our value, our worth, our joy must all start and end with Jesus Christ. We have received the best gift ever in any lifetime, the gift of grace and love in the blood of Christ. Christ so loved the world that He willingly sacrificed himself for us, whom He clearly loved. No matter what we face in our lives the direction we must always turn is Christ. That’s not to say there won’t be times when you need a doctor for your mental health, no different then if you were to break your arm, or something else. At the center of every storm is an anchor that keeps you grounded, the anchor knowing that Jesus is with you. Feeling alone is something we all have, some more then others, and in reality some people truly are alone. We are given only so many chances to tell the people we love that we love them. We have become a people intolerant, quick to snap, swift to anger, abrupt to leave people in our lives at the slightest cause. With no accountability, no feeling of the hurt inflicted upon others, a new social norm has entered into the world.

We have forgotten how to treat others. We have forgotten the love that Jesus taught, and we have forgotten what love is. We are to love our brothers and sisters. We are to treat others with respect and with love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NKJV)4 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not [a]puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, [b]thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” If love is endured through all things, and it’s patient, why are we so quick to turn our backs on someone we called friend, or worse, someone we told we loved. Hebrews 10:24-2524 “And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, 25 not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.” How often do we gather to lift up someone else up? How often do we put our own needs aside for those of someone else?

In the instruction we are given by Paul Ephesians 4:1-3 (NKJV) “I, therefore, the prisoner [a]of the Lord, [b]beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, 2 with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, 3 endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” We are to humble ourselves, giving ourselves up to Christ, and in our humble state, going forth to lift up others, to pass on the love that was shared for each and every one of us.

It’s not an easy thing loosing so much and keeping the faith. It’s not an easy thing loosing the love you had and trying to understand and find purpose in it. It’s not easy telling yourself you’re special when you feel you’re not. It’s not easy facing pain and loss and telling yourself that Jesus loves you and that love is never ending. It’s hard facing life every day feeling used, abused, worthless, and as I often felt in my past, a piece of used up garbage thrown away with yesterday’s trash. There is a brighter tomorrow but it has to start with your heart. It has to start with the forgiveness to those who’ve done harm to you, and let go of the pain you feel inside. Even though the past is behind you it can feel like it still has a hold of you. The battles you may face could turn to those of the past that seem to hold you as the months and years continue to pass by. People don’t define who you are. People are fickle, judgmental, emotional creatures, and the only opinion you can truly count on is that of the Lord. We must build our confidence trusting in the Lords work, knowing that we were created for a purpose, and that purpose is not to be worthless. God never makes mistakes and in His perfection, created each and every one of us for an intention of love, change, and hope we can bring by living in Christ’s love. Do you want to be remembered as the person who loved, or the person who left? Do you want to be remembered as someone who was patient and caring, or do you want to be remembered as the person as rash, and harsh? We all have choices to make in our lives, and no one can make them for us. We choose who we want to be, and how we want to be remembered. The instructions to living a good life, an honorable life is right there in the scripture of the Holy Bible, but so few ever truly take the time to read it. So few ever take the time to study and understand the meaning of life that’s spelled out in those pages. Instead we want to go our own way, walk our own path, and try to do things the way we want, that we rarely care who we hurt along the way, so long as ‘I’ am happy. What is your happiness worth? Is happiness worth sacrificing others for it? Is a difference of opinion so horrible that we can abandon all hope of friendship? Do we not owe one another an honest explanation to why we hurt them? It’s so easy to have a conversation but we have become cowardly in this life. We run from anything that might be hard, or even perceived as difficult. We forsake the meaning of friendship, and dishonor the meaning of love. At least Jesus didn’t give up on us. At least our savior knew how sinful, and awful we could be, and in the dying breaths still forgave us of our sins, our trespasses, our constant ability to fall short of what we ought to be. No matter how awful we can be, Christ loved us enough to give everything for us, so we could make a simple choice, to follow, or not. No one will ever make our choices for us, but our actions will speak for our character. As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, that his dream was for his “four little children will one day be judged not by the color of the of their skin, but by the content of their character.”  We now live in a world where people no longer care about the content of their character, so what is it we care about? The answer is sad, we care about self. We no longer care about the bonds of friendship, or the bond of holy matrimony, instead we care about our own happiness, we care only about what makes us feel good, and at a tiny drop of anything unpleasant we now abandon anything, and anyone. How far we’ve come from the teachings of Christ. How far we’ve fallen into the hands of Satan, and the only way out is the truly take a deep, long, hard look in the mirror and ask, who do I serve, is it God above, or is it the person staring back at you in the mirror?

 

 

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My God

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My God

I just wanted to take a moment to tell people about me. As many of you may or may not know, I have experienced a great many tragedies in my life. I’m not a perfect man, and I’ve struggled sometimes. I have watched as those I loved the most betrayed me, turned on me, and followed the ways of lust, anger, and hate. No matter the pain I’ve experienced being in the military, or in my childhood, and now into my adulthood, the thing I’ve tried to do is not let anger and hate flood into my heart. I’ve been seen through the storm time and time again. I’m alive, and I continue to breathe even though I should have died from a gun shot wound a year and a half ago. I have suffered a great many times, but in all of that suffering I have found peace in knowing God is still with me, still in control, and knowing that Jesus friend of man, savior and the defeater over death, is holding my hand walking with me.

Many people have scoffed at my belief, but I have felt the presence, heard the voice, and lived when I should have died. My God is faithful and has never abandoned me. Who am I to deserve this kind of grace and mercy? I am no one, my works are trash, my mistakes are many, my sins run deep, and yet through it all, God’s grace and love have never stopped flowing towards me. Every day I walk in the Lord I hope to be better then I was the day before. Every day I walk in the Lord I need to ask for guidance, and forgiveness. Every day I struggle with sin, and I struggle with my own wants in life. Every day for a while now I struggle with loneliness, and I wish for companionship. My God tells me to be patient and trust in his plan for me. Some day I don’t know which way to go, and some days I don’t think I can make it through, but when I feel lost, I close my eyes, and I focus on getting back to God. The path to darkness is slow and can go unnoticed, but those who give themselves to the evil ways of sin, make choices and the price to be paid is high. Because I’m not willing to pay that price, I’m not willing to wait around for that bill to be due, I turn back to Christ everyday, who waits for me, who accepts me with open arms, and I know that my sins are washed away.

Jesus changes my life every day. Even when I feel lost and saddened by my day, I know that Jesus is there with me. Even when I feel low and depressed, knowing that Jesus is with me helps. I may never know or understand why I have been forced to go through some of my struggles, or endured some of my heartbreak, but I trust my God. Everything I go through I learn from. Every struggle I’ve faced has prepared me for the battles I will face tomorrow. Every lesson we experience is an opportunity to take something positive away from it. We must go into each challenge with an open mind and an expectation that life won’t always be what we want. Life won’t always be easy, but my God promises me that my struggles won’t be in vein. My God promises me this suffering is only but a fleeting moment in the path towards eternity. I shall live my life and then as dust to dust my body shall parish, but my soul will ascend into heaven and I will sit with Jesus. My suffering today is nothing compared to what will happen if I don’t trust in the Lord. Jesus said I am the way the truth and the light, no one gets to the father except through me. Where is your heart, as for me, I trust in the Lord.

Letting Go

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Letting Go

Life isn’t always the way we have planned. Sometimes things happen and it hurts us. Friends leave or hurt our feelings, loved ones abandon us, someone insults us, all number of things can do damage to our sometimes-sensitive psyches. The thing is, pain is all part of life. When it happens it isn’t fun at all, and it can leave a lasting mark on our hearts. It can turn to scars and those scars if not careful can harden your heart. We need to remember that for every ounce of pain we endure, there may be something greater coming in the future we are being prepared for. “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. “You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” – C.S. Lewis. 1 Peter 5:10 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” Suffering happens to everyone, but as a Christian we expect to endure great hardships. 1 Peter 4:12-13 “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” Being a Christian isn’t always easy. It often takes great strength and fortitude to manage the trials day in and day out. People can be callused in their heart and they may say and do things that hurt and cut us deeply. We must know this and find ways to manage, and see this from a different perspective. Isaiah 48:10 “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”

Set your eyes to the lord

 When we are down and stressed, when we are joyful and blissful, we should always look to the Lord. When our eyes are set on the Lord our lives are closer to being on the right path. Proverbs 4:25-27 “Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: remove thy foot from evil.” We must look, but we must see beyond the surface. We must have faith and trust that our trials come with a purpose. When hardships happen are we taking them to the Lord? Colossians 3:2 “Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.” The only true ways out of the fire is the Lord. When we realize we need the Lord we are one step closer to a healthy relationship with our Father.

Looking forward not back

We must have the strength to take our steps forward. We must always move forward and never go backwards. The horizon isn’t some place to ponder; it’s a place to venture towards. As the days begin with the rising sun remember that every day is a painting. Every day is a new fresh canvas for the Lord to paint our lives. Like a drop in the water, the ripples of our life from the smallest things could always move us into position for great things. Isaiah 43:18 “Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.” All things happen for a reason and in those reasons we must have faith. We will be strengthened by our pain, and like a sword in the forged, it takes time, it takes fire, it takes the hammer, and the anvil to shape the beautiful steel sword. When sharpened we can cut through the enemy because we were forged by the Holy Spirit. Philippians 3:13-14 “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” The prize for us is eternal salvation. We mustn’t allow our past to hold us back. We mustn’t get stuck in the pain and force ourselves to relive it daily. While it’s not easy to move past the pain, but if we use the pain, harness it’s raw power and effect, we can believe in our hearts it’s for a purposes. Job 17:9 “The righteous also shall hold on his way, and he that hath clean hands shall be stronger and stronger.” Kneel in prayer taking only a moment to physically stop moving, but allowing your spirit to fly and thrive in the light of the world. In the darkest of storms when we have the Holy Spirit inside us, we may be going through our own struggles, but as a Godly person remember you may be going through your own storms, and you may be looking for your own light in the darkness, but think about it this way, what if you’re someone else’s light in the darkness? What if how you manage your pain is the strength and inspiration someone else needs? 1 Corinthians 13:12 “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” The reflection we see may not always be what we expect, but as we continue to grow in our faith, that reflection will reveal more of our true image, the image that was created by God to be loved by God, and when we look in the mirror one day we will see God standing with us.

 Don’t Dwell on the past

We can’t get stuck, we must move forward, and if we ever do get caught worrying about our past, we must remember Matthew 6:27 “Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?” Worrying about yesterday, and focusing on what we did wrong, or what was done wrong to us doesn’t add a single moment to our life. Now I’m not saying don’t reflect, don’t review the past to make your tomorrow better but don’t worry about it, don’t forget to move past it. When we do that, when we finally figure out how to do an affective After Action Review, we can adjust and overcome, and make tomorrow a better day.

Giving your hurt to God

Every day we have choices to be made. We choose to get out of bed, we choose to go to the bathroom, to eat breakfast, to look at your phone, or to turn on the TV. We make choices about what to wear, where to go, to go to work, to stop at the gas station on the way, or wait till later. So in our every day choices, are we choosing to let God into our hearts? Are we choosing to be mad at someone for what they said to us? Are we choosing to forgive or not? Are we choosing to remain in the fire of our own making? Are we choosing to remain in our own prison? We need to learn to choose to give our pain our suffering, our struggles to God. We need to choose to let God into our hearts, and have the faith to let go of what we cannot control. When we learn to take the hands off the wheel and let God take over, we realize that we weren’t ever in control anyway. Loving God is a choice, and letting go of the pain inside is also a choice. It’s not one that’s easy, and it takes practice, and time, but in those it takes and requires effort. Facing our fears, and our pain is hard, and we need to handle that just like we walk to the refrigerator. It’s one step, one moment at a time, and before we know it we start to feel a little less pain, a little less grief. Philippians 4:6-7 “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” The pain may never go away but it won’t define us. The betrayal of close friends, loved ones, may always stay with us, but we can learn to trust again. We can learn to love again. People are fickle creatures, and can be motivated by a million different things in their own life. The pain we have can be the forging fire and we can become stronger if we grow, or if not heat-treated right a sword may become brittle. We don’t want to be the brittle steel broken at the first blow, we want to be strong and dependable. If every moment is more then you can take, and you have troubles and you need strength the one place to find refuge is Matthew 11:28-30 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Remember that the phrase “God will never give you more then you can take.” Is not scriptural at all. When you feel like you can’t take anymore the refuge you seek is Jesus Christ. God may not pull up on the rains to slow things down, but whatever you ‘need’ God will provide to you. You will always have the tools to get through the pain, and the suffering if you just look to God and pray for the help you need.

In every day life we will have friends come and go. We will have days of great joy, and days of great sorrow. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to just cry some days. Don’t get stuck in the misery, but remember God gave us our feelings for a reason and it’s important to remember some days you just need the sweet release of tears. Some days you need a good belly laugh, and in all these things beauty can be found. No matter what emotion you’re going through, you’re never alone. You may walk in the snow and see only one set of footprints, but that doesn’t mean Jesus is right there with you. The important thing is to find ways to handle those emotions. We cry to the Lord and even if we are crying the Lord is pleased because we are coming to our Savior, but sad that we are in pain. Forward always, and never backwards, because Jesus is always in front of us, hand extended to pull us through the day. Not for one moment in this life are we forsaken and forgotten.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Fog

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The Fog

Waking up from a fog unsure of where I’ve been for so long. The day rings in with sun and a new understand of how the world works. Learning the truth sometimes is hard and brutal. Tearing down the walls built up for so long, now realizing the cage I’ve been in. So my Lord give me your eyes for just one second. I’ve missed so much, and I’ve been hurting so long I allowed the pain to define me. The road is new and the path is fresh so forgive me when I stumble. Forgive me when I fall, but pick me up when I’m weak and help me along the way. I have faith and I know I can’t stay in that prison any longer. It’s time to move on, move forward, and let go of the past. The future isn’t beyond my reach if you are in my heart. Together today, always together and I know I can make it after all.

It can be hard living with pain every day. Physical pain is hard enough to manage, but when you add emotional on top if it, it can be debilitating. Pain is something that is different for everyone. Everyone by the time they reach adulthood has found ways to manage their pain in their own special way. This isn’t saying it’s in healthy productive ways, but that’s why this is so important. When we live our lives running from our pain, never finding ways to face it and understand it, it can be fester inside of us, and when left unchecked it can cause damage to other areas of our lives.

When pain takes rout inside our heart we may forget how to love in a healthy way. We may look for love in the wrong places, either in the bottom of a bottle ie. Alcohol or pills. We may look for love in the way of meaningless sex, or gambling, or even stuff like extreme sports. The problem is pain affects the way in which we have relationships. Pain affects our ability to make Godly, rational, healthy decisions, and we often end up pushing away those who care for us most. Anything in our lives that reminds us our behavior is bad for us we get rid of because we are comfortable in our pain and we found ways that make us feel good. The problem is that feel good sensation isn’t real, and inside the pain is crushing. We see this a lot in addicts. People who become addicted to something unhealthy often display irrational mood swings. They will do whatever they can to stay in their addiction, even if it’s an addiction to a particular behavior. When we are faced with a question of conviction while running from our faith, we will lash out at those who want to help get us back on track. Eventually as the spiral downward continues, eventually rock bottom comes up quick, and splat onto the concrete.

We can only hope if we are the ones in the fog we allow the Holy Spirit to guide us, to help us heal. We need to pray for guidance, and forgiveness, and love. We should rely on God to show us how to escape the hell we are living in. Allow God to give us the means, the knowhow to be free of the pain we hold. Letting friends help, and getting guidance from a pastor or priest, allowing yourself to get into therapy and begin the healing process. We must learn to peal back the pain layer by layer till we find the route of the problem, and slowly face that pain till it no longer defines who we are. Don’t live in the fog anymore. Let God burn that fog away and reveal the clear skies ahead. When we let God in, the hope we needed all along will be right there waiting for us.

A Miracle for my Heart

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A Miracle for my Heart

It’s been so long now, and while I feel beaten, I feel bloody, I feel broken, I know that you still want me my Lord. I know that while in this life my body may fail, my heart may be broken, and the scars I have may not make me attractive to others, but to you, I am beautiful. I trust in you my God to use me how I am. I trust in you that you want me for the man I am, and if I am obedient, if I am faithful to you, you will bless me when my day comes.

My God, it’s been so long now and I feel lost some days. I feel as if I am trapped in a dark room unable to find my way out. I sing praises to you my Holy King of all Kings. I know that the sun dawns every day, the darkness falls, and I am still here on this earth breathing. I trust in you and trust there is just cause for my unanswered prayers. You’re rich in love my Lord, and I must remember to trust no in my own understanding, but to trust in you alone. While I feel like I am walking in the shadows, I know I have walked in the valley of death, and here I stand. I have lain in green pastures, which you have blessed and allowed my life, my love the flourish. I have seen so much death, and yet lived so little.

The darkness tries to lie to me. It tries to cheat me, and promise me so much, but I know the truth. It’s been so long since I felt the light, and I fear I’ve forgotten the warm of love. The path seems so dark and with the fog of war covering my eyes, I close them to trust in you my Lord. I know that my decisions of old haunt me. All I can say is I know my Sins are forgiven, and I’ve been set free from the mistakes of yesterday. I’ve been stuck and I pray to be set free. I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to be in the purgatory of my own mind. I trust in you my Lord, and let this new upcoming year be something special. I pray to put this behind me and move forward, new, washed clean, and unburdened.

I know I’m not strong enough to be everything I need to be. I know that I am nothing without you my Lord because I’m weak on my own. I know that through Christ I can do all things. I don’t have to be alone in this world and I pray you my Lord would see it fit to end that period in my life. I pray you give me the guidance to better my life, to find a better purpose. I don’t know what else I can do, but I know you have the power to change things for me. My God my God, please change my life.

Back To Life

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Back to life

The return to my normal life came back like a kick in the face. Less then 24 hours after my return I find myself right back in the war. My first appointment was supposed to be easy and straight forward and yet the VA’s propensity for failure is never without a small sense of irony.

While the appointment wasn’t a total loss, it was a quick reminder I’m no longer in paradise and I needed to be ready to pick up arms again and be ready for the impending fight.

When you return from a vacation, or in my case an intense clinic of physical and psychological exorcises designed to push, motivate, and rejuvenate your soul, it’s a challenge returning to life and watching as the difficulty continues.

It’s important to stay focused and realize that just because there are hiccups in the road doesn’t mean all is lost. I’m finding myself in a struggle to manage the emotional roller coaster, but as far as frustrations go, breaking out in chronic hives is high on my list. Breathing and trying to recall the serenity prayer is a big step for me to remaining focused on the big picture.