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Free Speech: The True Meaning

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Free Speech: The True Meaning

There has been a lot of talk in recent days about the freedom of speech, particularly recently of those being infringed upon, or allegedly infringed upon. Before we dive into this topic, let’s look at what the constitution says about free speech.  

Amendment I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech or of the press, or the right of the people to peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

There’s a lot to unpack in this paragraph but let’s take a simple quick look. Congress being the subject matter’s main character. Simply put, the who is congress. What, the what is fairly simple, cannot pass laws in violation to some simple thoughts, speech, press, assembly. In recent days, many people have become upset at the firing of Jimmy Kimmel over something he said on his show. Well, let’s look at what he actually said on his show. “We hit some new lows over the weekend with the MAGA gang desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it,” Obviously this has been found to be incorrect, as the kid by both family and eye witnesses was indeed radicalized by the left. Jimmy’s quote it would seem, came to control a narrative and purposefully muddy the water and mislead people into believing a lie. The biggest point is though, the FBI, and local law enforcement had already shed light on the idea that this was someone radicalized by the Left, as Kimmel’s show was September 15th. CK was shot on the 10th. Intentionally lying even after devises had been collected, and information given to the public, Kimmel lied and made up his own narrative, not as a joke, but as a political narrative. One thing I want to point out is this, ABC is a subsidiary company to Disney, which has been known to swing far left for many years. Also, I would like to point out that the TV show “The View” is also owned by ABC and have been hit with massive slander lawsuits against right leaning conservatives. Yet, the view and all of its hosts are still working for Disney (ABC). Remember this, Disney is a business, and businesses are in the business of making money. If the Kimmel late night show has had problems, or perceived problems, and wasn’t profitable, of course the show would get canceled. But, remember, at the root of the problem, Kimmel made a bold statement lying to the American people. His firing was from the network, not the government. 

The truth is this, Jimmy knowingly spread a lie, and lost his job. What is so different about Jimmy and the other hosts on the “View”? Honestly, I don’t know. The view has lost Disney a lot of money in court cases, and yet they are still around. Regardless, in the same breath, when Gina Corino was fired for speaking truth about Covid and the vaccine, no one said a word on the left about her right to free speech. Let us remember one other note, the former president when he was speaking his mind, was removed from twitter. Twitter and a network TV show are not the same thing, and yet like many others who were censored during that time period on social media, it was actually at the bequest of the Biden Administration that censored millions of people on social media, including the former president of the United States. This is actually against peoples 1st amendment rights, but nothing was done about this. Those in charge never faced accountability for their coercion of the tech companies to silences the voices of millions of Americans not happy with the covid-19 mandates. Even listening to old speeches from the left during the time of the Biden admin about censorship, and then the speeches given within the last 24 hours of this publication, the lack of empathy or sympathy is staggering. Let’s look at free speech though, and determine if either of these was in violation to their first amendment rights.

In a short answer, no, neither of these things is a violation of free speech. Free speech does not mean freedom from consequences of what you say. While we may disagree, Disney is a private company and they have the right to fire someone for what they say, if what they say goes against what the company wants for their image, or if they feel what’s being said will cause financial troubles. Now, yes, that seems like it may be a slippery slope, but even within the context of the two people we are referring too here, Gina’s comments turned out to be true. Her concerns over the way covid was being handled and her realistic concerns over the ‘vaccine’ turned out to be both reasonable, and accurate. Jimmy’s comments were neither, in fact, with just a hair bit of time, it turned out to be false. One lied, one told the truth. Jimmy was not fired by the right, or even because of anything the right had to say, he was fired by a left leaning organization, that has kept members of the view in place. Why the difference? Some have suggested his contract was about to be up, and there was no desire to re-up his contract. Instead, they found cause to remove him early. This is speculation, but if it’s true, it had very little to do with freedom of speech, nor Disney’s stand point on the Kirk assassination, but more about money and business. If Kimmel truly feels he’s being wronged, he has the right to take his firing before a court to see if a mistake was made in the eyes of the judicial system.

Since the Kirk assassination there have been many who have been fired from their jobs or expelled from schools because of social media posts, or their actions being filmed. Once again, I say this, the First Amendment does not guarantee anyone’s right to say whatever they want free of consequences. “In 1789, this meant that Congress was prohibited from engaging in the practice of “prior-censorship” – prohibiting a speech or publication without advance approval of an executive official. The courts today give a much broader interpretation to the clause.” (McClellan, J. 2000. Pg 418) This next session is what I want us to focus on. “This does not mean, however, that the First Amendment guarantees any absolute or perfect freedom to shout whatever one wishes, print whatever one likes, assemble in a crowd wherever or whenever it suits a crowd’s fancy, or present a petition to Congress or some other public body in a context of violence.” It goes on to say “The Constitution recognizes no “absolute” rights.” (McClellan, J. 2000. Pg 418) 

Members of the left side of the political spectrum had no problem when people were getting fired from their jobs for speaking truth about Covid during the 2020-2021 years. People were being censored on the right for their concerns over the vaccine, their unwillingness to take it, or opposing the ‘science’ that was being touted as absolute truth. Many disagreed with the closure of schools, or the effectiveness of masks, who would find themselves without a Facebook page, or worse, without a job. Later, it was revealed by Facebook and others that the government urged them to take down information referring to the Hunter Biden laptop, anything referring to covid that didn’t fit their narrative, even though those things were true. In fact, this was in absolute violation to the censorship the constitution referred too, as a violation of the rights of the people. Where was the outrage over government censorship? The first amendment does not protect speech that may be violent in nature, or even lying. 

I wrote this recently on a different platform: 

“I think people may have a misconception of what “Free Speech” means. Let me give you an example… If you go to work, and you tell your boss to “F” off, it’s likely you won’t have a job anymore. If you slander someone and ruin their reputation and damage their life in some way by telling a lie, you may face and be guilty of slander before the court. Same for libel (Slander in written form, Thank you Spider-Man). All of this to say, while we do protect free speech, such as going to a soldier’s funeral and protesting at the funeral (West-Boro Baptist Church in the early 2000’s). These things still come with consequences. I was very clear in my last message what I thought about this, but if you say things, your business has every right to decide if your words and actions represent the company or not. Words and actions still have consequences. Free speech does not mean no consequences, it means you have the right to say what you wish. You cannot yell fire in a crowded room. So, free speech does come with some common-sense exceptions. I would not feel safe, or comfortable seeing a doctor who cheered on the death of another human. If you have a business, you do not want to put off half the population of the US. Remember what they said in John Wick? Consequences. It’s important to pray for one another. It’s important to come together and cool the fire. As the famous Bob Marley once said, “Don’t worry, about a thing, every little thing’s gonna be alright.” Jesus is King. Jesus is Lord. And we shall continue to share the love and life of Christ with everyone. Seek first the kingdom of God and you shall be saved. Be in peace, and go in peace.” (Arrow Preacher, 2025) 

We must be knowledgeable about what we say, and the sheer number of the masses claiming their free speech has been violated, doesn’t understand the constitution. Private businesses, and organization have the right to let people go from their employ if what they say is violent or incendiary in nature. Free speech is not an absolute right with absolute immunity to whatever you want to say. While we must be cautious as a nation even within the private sector how we respond to someone’s comments, we should not be virtue signaling and cherry picking based on political sides. In this authors opinion it’s strange that Kimmel’s show would be canceled from the same network that allows the View to constantly get themselves in trouble for slander. It’s more likely that the ratings on Kimmel’s show were a major contributing factor to his firing. It also seems to me that the left are now seeing the swing, the turnaround, the uno reverse, to years of censorship and cancel culture finally coming back around. 

Free speech comes with responsibility. We must be careful with what we say because in the age of digital warfare, many people have chosen to be vicious and cruel, uncaring, and vile. We as Christians have the responsibility to share the gospel in a time when the hatred for the Christian is once again becoming publicly evident. In recent days the quote, unquote free speech has revealed that people are no longer just in disagreement, but are also callus and apathetic about the death of another person. When we begin to dehumanize people because of their beliefs we lose our humanity. When we as a people celebrate criminals or even murderers, over someone who simply and respectfully debated others in a public forum, we have lost something. Desecrating memorials or attacking people at a vigil, shows that the devil is in fact winning ground. Scripture teaches us that we must fight against the devil. “Ephesians 6:12 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” We have seen the continued attack and hatred towards Christians in recent years, and this will not stop any time soon. We must continue to speak the truth, even when we are hated because of it. We must continue to stand up and proclaim the name of Jesus, even when people attack us for it. We must continue to wear the full armor of God and prepare ourselves by keeping sober minded, “Romans 12:21 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Evil and violence will never be defeated by perpetuating more hate and more evil deeds. We must remember that while speech does come with a cost as I have afore mentioned, we must remember what scripture says. “James 3:6-8 6 And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. 7 For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race. 8 But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.” We will never be able to stop people from being evil, or their hatred, but what we can do is continue to pray for them. We must pray for our enemies and ourselves to focus on a Christ centered life. “Proverbs 15:28 The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” 

A few days ago I also wrote this. 

“It’s been a few days now. As I scroll social media, I find my heart swelling with emotion. Evil reigns here on earth. But our Lord Jesus reigns in Heaven over all.  What evil meant to destroy, Jesus will use it for good. I am filled with so much heart breaks from my brother whom I just met, passing, the anniversary of my father’s passing before I met him, my best friend’s death anniversary is approaching, my dear Riley my service dog nearing the end of her life, I am broken. Jesus is my Lord and I know he was Charlie’s Lord as well. Yes, tears continue to fall for my brother in Christs family, but I know CK was met by Jesus, a martyr’s welcome. A crown of glory was placed on his head and we here are left to pick up the pieces. We will continue to spread the gospel, unapologetically, but in love. It’s not loving to lie to someone, so we tell the inconvenient truth to the unbeliever. We will continue to fight against the powers of darkness here in this world. We will pick up the pieces of our broken hearts, and wipe away our tears, but we will fight. For those celebrating his death, and maybe some of you reading this, I preach and teach the same messages as CK did, should I also die for my beliefs. I am public about the gospel also. Should I be taken from my family? If you wonder why those are being fired from work for what they say, it’s this simple truth, when you celebrate violence, and you work for a company, work with kids, or the medical field, or other, how can you be expected to treat others whom you’re supposed to serve, if you so publicly hate those who might be conservative? How much is my life worth, when I believe many of the same things? In this time of brokenness, let us pray for those around the world who turn to violence. Those who threaten or propagate violence in their lives, let us pray for them. Church, be strong, courageous, but be firm. We may be broken, but we are not out of the fight. Jesus, thank you for being Lord over my life, for saving me and lifting me out of death. Bless this nation that I have sacrificed so much for. Turn hearts from the black sludge they are to heart of flesh, on fire for you. Thank you, Jesus, and watch over and protect us. Amen.” 

I pray that because I am conservative that others would not wish for my death. I pray that while I am a Christian, I am not marked for death by someone with evil intent. Those celebrating and trying to mislead the people about the ideologies of the Charlie Kirk assassin are doing so for a purpose of hiding the true nature that is befalling this country. Hatred, and violence are becoming the calling card for those who disagree and do not care to continue to have a reasonable, peaceful debate of ideas and thoughts. The perpetuation of hate and lies must stop. We can disagree about policies, and ideas all day long, but once we start lying to protect those ideas, or to mislead the people to believing in something that is not true, we risk the collapse of this Republic. We must be honest and truthful, and as Christians we are called to share that truth lovingly. We must not celebrate death, for each and every death of the innocent is still a tragedy. The celebration of the death of the unborn is a vile and evil thing. The celebration of a man taken from his family and children is tragic. It is quite possible that the perpetuation of hate speech is exactly how and why the CK killer turned to evil, as he became radicalized at school, from those who use inflammatory language to bring people to hate the other side. It’s interesting to see those call Charlie a racist, when he did a great deal for the black community. It’s interesting that the left, the side of tolerance, would attack him for him sticking to his beliefs as a Christian, and that being true to himself. How can you claim tolerance, and then attack a man who truly lived out his faith both publicly and privately. He didn’t do anything violent, or vile, and yet he is attacked as if he did. Not very tolerant if you ask me. 

I would like to point out a simple truth. The left has come to a point where they openly call themselves socialists, or in some cases support communism. This same side has gone to calling the President as bad as Hitler. They say the right is full of fascists. However, these tactics go back to Hitlers 1925 manifesto Mein Kampf. In the writing is something known as the ‘technique of repeating a big lie, to make it believable. The following is part of the ideal. 

  • The Big Lie: Stating a complete falsehood and repeating it often enough that people begin to accept it as fact. Hitler argued that “in the big lie there is always a certain force of credibility”.
  • Name-Calling: Attaching negative labels to opponents to bypass rational thought and incite an emotional reaction.
  • Creating a scapegoat: Blaming a specific group for a country’s problems to unify followers and justify aggression against that group. In Mein Kampf, Hitler blamed Jews for Germany’s woes.

The Truth: The truth is the left has become a party that hates religion. The party that wants population control and is doing so by devaluing human life including the life of the unborn baby. Devaluing the life of anyone who stands in its way to control. By calling the right Nazi, and fascist, if done enough people will begin to believe it. This while attempting to radicalize the kids of this nation to believe that socialism, and communism are far better options than freedom and capitalism. The socialist parties over the world have always started by limiting freedoms one by one and calling it safety. We are seeing this happen around the world. People being arrested for speech, and for prayer. The banning of simple items such as katana’s, machetes, firearms, mace, pepper spray, etc, in the name of safety. While the right is not innocent in all of this, the right is not calling for the murder of babies, and the right generally is also not or has not celebrated the death of a public figure such as Charlie Kirk. Both sides do need to come to a cooler point for us to be able to share ideas, and disagree. In this nation we are built as a nation by those who believed in God. While some where deists, some were Christian, some perhaps catholic, all believed we as a nation should be rooted in faith. John Adams said this, “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.” John Jay said this, “Providence has given to our people the choice of their rulers, and it is the duty as well as the privilege and interest of our Christian nation to select and prefer Christians for their rulers.” Many argue we are not a Christian nation, but over and over again, while the founders did not want to establish a set governmental religion, it was firmly believed that those who founded this country had a strong belief in the Christian Bible. 

Charles Spurgeon said this “Sin and Hell are married unless repentance proclaims the divorce.” We as Christians have a responsibility to point out sin in both our government, public figures, others around us, and within ourselves. We must seek to repent of our sin, at the same time sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ in a loving way to those who are still asleep in their sins. Spurgeon also said this “If you have no wish to bring others to heaven, you are not going there yourself.” We must share the gospel and do so from a point of kindness, but also loudly. I firmly believe we are seeing a shift within our country, where those who hate the Christian nature of America have been attacking her from within for many years. Water down Christianity, get generations to turn their back on the Christian faith, then watch as Satan begins to work. Spurgeon said this “Satan can make men dance upon the brink of hell as though they were on the verge of heaven.” Have we not seen the celebrations, and the heartless postings, and quotes from people that show the lack of humanity? Yes, indeed, I believe this shows us Christians, the nature of those whom we now fight against. The forces of darkness have risen and now cover the land. 

Those who hate you for your faith, who like the recently spoken words of the Dearborn Michigan mayor who told a Christian resident that he wasn’t welcome in the city anymore, simply for sharing his belief as a Christian, against a Muslim who killed many.  This in the heart seems to be a moral collapse. C.S. Lewis said this about moral collapse, “Moral collapse follows upon spiritual collapse.” In his recent book “Wimpy Weak and Woke- How Truth Can Save American From Utopian Destruction” John Cooper said this, “Today, truth is viewed as a matter of perspectives derived from experience. To deny someone’s experience is to deny ‘Their truth.’ To deny ‘their truth’ is not only a denial of their suffering, but of their very existence. This is because in postmodernism, the closest thing to ‘real’ is one’s experience.” We must focus on the truth. When lies are told, it doesn’t matter what side of the fence, we must remember we aren’t supposed to lie. Yet, when it came to Charlies “truth” house democrats slandered his memory on the house floor. Where is your tolerance for someone’s truth now? There is absolute truth, and scripture is our measure of what is true. Voddie Baucham said this, “The Ninth Commandment simply states, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16). However, this commandment carries more weight than one can imagine. Falsehood and lies are reprehensible because they not only harm those to and /or about whom they are told, but they also blaspheme the very character and nature of the God who is truth (John 14:6), whose very Word is truth (Psalm 119:43,160; John 17:17), and whose very essence is that of ‘the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change” (James 1:17). (Voddie Baucham, Fault Lines). In the heart of the matter, Jimmy Kimmel lied on national television. He knew he was lying when he said it, and yet for the click bait, or for the ratings, or just to rile people up, he said it. The consequence of his words was to be fired. It is not because of the right, it’s because of what he said. Words cannot go without consequence. Words carry weight, especially when you are a public figure. Both sides have been guilty of this, and we must remember that not everything said needs to carry this kind of response. For instance, J.K Rowling has often been highly critical of the left and its LGBTQ agenda and stance. This is her opinion. It does not cast a lie on a person who committed a public execution of a political and religious figure. They are not the same. If you do not like what she said, you don’t have to support her by buying her books. Stephen King recently lost his publisher because he lied about something Charlie Kirk had said. Without doing any research he made a claim that Charlie had said gay people should be stoned to death. For this blatant lie and slander about someone who was just killed, his publisher dropped him. The difference between J.K and Stephen was the slander. It was a false narrative that led to the decision to drop King from their platform. When Gina was fired from Disney for her statements about covid her thoughts and opinions turned out to be true, not a lie. As I stated before, if someone such as a doctor celebrated the death of another human, I as a conservative Christian, would not feel comfortable having that doctor as my doctor. Would I be safe in that situation? 

We must be careful that we protect the people’s right to free expression and speech, but this is not a blanket freedom. There are exceptions to the rule, and in the recent week, we have seen dozens of examples of people taking speech too far, and expecting to have no consequences for their actions.

In the book “The Christian Left” (By Lucas Miles), it highlights the ongoing problem where “Christians who have adopted (either knowingly or unknowingly) leftist, socialistic, and communistic thinking, ideals, values, and innovations.” This ongoing hijacking of Christians, leads me to one point, Satan is working hard to destroy. When someone on the right calls someone on the left a socialist, or communist, this isn’t actually slander, or hate speech. The left have now openly admitted to being socialist, and we know socialism is a cousin to communism. Both socialism and communism are anti religion. The government or leader is often deemed to be their ‘god’. In every version of socialism or communism religion is either banned, or controlled by the government. Free speech is also controlled by the government, and rights such as second amendment gun owning rights are often disbanded. While all Nazis were fascists, not all fascists were Nazis. The unusual truth is the left is moving more Marxist, socialist every day, however there is still a difference between what they believe and fascists. Many use this world flippantly, but the truth is the left is absolutely supporting socialism, and its ideals. All this to sum up, we must be careful what we as a people say. Words do come with consequences, and as my old law teacher once said, “It’s not slander if it’s the truth.” The key here, is that it must be true. The government is not forcing any company to fire employees over their beliefs. The government has recently leaned on schools to reign in some rhetoric that has led to violent protests. Going back to the 1st Amendment, you do have the right to your opinion, but your protest must be peaceful. Burning down buildings, attacking police officers, throwing bricks and stones onto police cars from overpasses, etc. does not constitute as peaceful. We all need to take a step back, and work together to live in this place peacefully. We must have peaceful dialogues and we must stop being so hateful towards one another. We as Christians must expect that the enemy will continue to gain ground if we do not stand up and without shame, proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ. Let us continue to speak the truth of Christ, and never water down the gospel. Let us be sober minded and prepared for the deceivers’ schemes and attacks. Let us love our neighbor as ourselves, and be in constant prayer for the enemy. Let us show love and compassion to those who are need of prayers. Let us pray for those who are anti-Christian, and who wish to be rid of the church. Let us pray for those whose eyes need to be opened to what Christ might have for them. Let us not rejoice in the consequences, but rather let us pray for them to seek and know Jesus as Lord. I wish no one would perish to the eternity of Hell, but that all would come to know the love of Jesus. This world as it falls further and further away from Christ is one step closer to its destruction and judgment. Let us continue to be the salt of the earth, and the light of Christ. Let our goal be to make heaven crowded. Let us take the gospel by the sandals of peace, and share the good news with all whom we encounter. Be at peace, and go in love. 

For more content please follow at:

https://youtube.com/@thearrowpreacher6920?si=wvVC80iHWsSSkRY1

Reference Citations: 

Baucham , V. T. (2021). Fault Lines The social justice movement and evangelicalism’s looming catastrophe. Salem Books. 

Cooper, J. L. (2023). Wimpy, weak and woke: How truth can save america from utopian destruction. John L. Cooper. 

McClellan, J. (2000). Liberty, order, and justice: An introduction to the constitutional principles of American government. Liberty Fund. 

Miles, L. (2021). The christian left: How liberal thought has hijacked the church. BroadStreet. 

Be The Lion

thearrowpreacher4 Comments

Be The Lion:

It took me a long time to be able to find my faith, the faith that Jesus called and calls us too. While in truth, I have to be honest, the last several months have been in some ways, the hardest I’ve experienced in my life. 10 months ago (from the writing of this publication) I had open heart, aorta reconstructive surgery. My aorta was replaced from the root, to the stem, to include the valve, which is now artificial. The recovery time has been long, and difficult is not a strong enough word to describe the challenges I’ve faced. The physical recovery has only been a small portion of the recuperation. Mental health has always been an uphill battle for me. When I joined the military, I was told up front by many who knew me best, that I would fail. When I was a couple months into my training, I caught MRSA. It nearly killed me because of how quick it spread. I swore I wasn’t going to let that be the end of me, and I fought. Unfortunately, I missed vital training, and was recycled one rotation. I pushed myself, and after a long 25k ruck, hurting, my ruck cutting off the circulation in my left arm, I turned the corner, and there it was, freedom. I had accomplished what many thought I couldn’t. Not only would I graduate but I’d do so with my head held high and achieve what many could not. I would perform my duties well, and with honor and distinction till a training accident caused my career to end prematurely. I ended my career voluntarily and on my own terms, with the hand I was dealt, but not before a successful posting in Korea, a deployment to Iraq, and continued service in Colorado. With everything I’ve gone through and been handed to me, the undeniable truth remains, God is GOOD. 

         Faith is built on the trust of who Jesus is. The truth that He Himself claimed, that He is “The Way The Truth and The Life, and No One Gets To the Father Except Through Him.” The linchpin of Christianity is just that, was Jesus who he claimed to be? The answer, in emphatically yes. This is what gives a Christian his strength. The Lord chose his soldiers before the foundations of the earth. Jesus told us that we would face trials in this life, but to take heart that He overcame the world. We do not store up treasures in this life, but in Heaven. We face these trails as Job faced his. On our knees, in prayer to the Lord of all creation. Does this mean in this life we do not despair, or weep? No. Jesus wept (John 11:35) for the sin that befell upon the perfection of creation. The untold sorrow of sin over our lives, and the destruction that sin brings to the lives of those of us still alive in the realm of time. We cannot let fear dictate terms, when we are told we were given a spirit of courage, not fear (2 Tim 1:7)

         Feelings of despair come to all who walk this world. Struggle is the life of a soldier. No matter how hard we fight, we will always face the bitter truth, life is full of heartache, disappointment, and pain. Why would God allow such things? God is not the author of evil, pride, and sin, is the author of evil. Satan, began his rebellion, believing the created was more powerful than the creator. The lie that fell to Eve was the same, “you can be like God.” Eve, seemingly without hesitation took of the fruit, then gave it to Adam. Their eyes opened, and they knew of evil. Who is the enemy? The enemy is crafty, and has been described as a great many things. A lion waiting to devour you. The father of lies. The accuser.  The great deceiver. The Dragon. This is our adversary, whom we are called to battle against. The enemy spreads lie after lie, and tries to convince us things we are not. Things like, worthless, failure, broken, you’re alone, you’re not good enough. We wage war against an enemy we cannot see. Having been a soldier in combat, I understand all too well the deceptive nature of the enemy. In Iraq we rarely saw our enemy. They hid in the shadows, using deception, and cover to attack, and detonate explosives without ever being seen. How can someone fight what they can’t see? We are called to resist Satan, and only because of the blood of Christ do we stand a chance to be able to hold our ground in the face of overwhelming odds. Satan when he fell, he took a third of the angels with him (Rev 12:4). Our enemy is trained in the art of deception and lies, perfect beings corrupted by pride and sin. An invisible enemy bent on destroying the creation of God. The Armor of God shrouds us, equips us for battle (Eph 6:10-18). What the armor doesn’t do is prepare us. For that, we need the word of God, and the word of God being the sword, does nothing if we don’t use it, learn from it, and grow closer to the God that wrote it. We cannot fight an enemy we don’t understand. We cannot fight an enemy that knows the word of God better than we do. Our enemy has been in the presence of God, and knows us perhaps better than we know ourselves. While he cannot implant thoughts, he can whisper in our ears. Satan can bring untold horrors down upon our lives, and feed us the lie that it’s God that hates us, God that brings these horrors and tragedies into our lives. Satan tells us that God is the author of all our troubles. I have stated and written before that if we do not train our minds, and our souls for battle, the Devil will increase that advantage over us, and win the day. We must realize one thing, scripture and the Holy Spirit on our side are force multipliers that gives us all what we need to win the day. We do not actually fight Satan, but rather resist his attacks. We dig in, the armor covering our mind, our heart, girded for battle, the sandals dug into the dirt, shield protecting us from the flaming arrows from the enemy, and the Sword of God’s Holy Word raised high, unleashing a battle cry heard in the Heavens, “Jesus Is KING”. The undeniable fact is this, if Jesus is the Lion of Judah, and we are little Christ, then there’s a lion within us as well. We must learn to harness the power within us, and dig deep, and face tomorrow with courage and dignity. 

         God has shown us what He will do to fight for His chosen people. In story after story in scripture we see God’s people overcoming incredible odds and emerging victorious. Moses fleeing through the Red Sea. Gideon fought for God. David took down Goliath with a sling and a stone. There is a lion within us waiting to be awoken. I have struggled for a while, believing I was anything more than garbage, a waist of space. I have questioned why God would save my life in such an obvious way; a miracle multiplied. My story of survival holds too many coincidences to be coincidence. In 2016 God spoke to me while I was bleeding out in the back of an ambulance. While in a pitch black void, I said “God I’m sorry!” In reply God said “You’re forgiven” and I snapped awake in the ambulance, where I was believed to give give up the ghost any minute. Instead, God breathed life into me, sending a shock wave through my body. Note: I had not coded and thus what I experienced was not the defibrillator. Early 2024, I found out I had a hernia, somewhere around March. By July, on the last day of VBS (Vacation Bible School), one of the youths of the church challenged me to a race. God, it seems, removed every ounce of caution and I raced the kid. Aside from the pride of winning the race, it came at a cost. The next day I couldn’t walk, as one of the two hernias bulged. This sent me to surgery in October, and the day after that surgery I was back in the hospital from the Gas migrating to my shoulder. A CT was called for, and while it was confirmed Gas was indeed the culprit, a time bomb was found, ticking away. My aorta was ready to explode. A birth defect left me at the mercy of time, and my aorta was well beyond the limit for surgery. I had emergency surgery, which led to heart block, which led to the pacemaker. Months of setbacks, and therapy, have left me with scars both physical and emotional. I have scars deep into my soul and the Devil has used every dirty tactic and trick in the book to continue his assault on me. I have spoken recently how I have wondered if my choosing the heart surgery was indeed the correct course of action. I have wondered if it would have been better for me to let time run out whenever the clock hit zero, I’d go home. The devil has used so much of my past to convince me I am not worth anything. I have questioned and wondered if the pain I’ve been feeling since surgery has been putting myself through an untold number of years left on my timer, an unnecessary amount of trouble I brought upon myself. The devil has convinced me that it isn’t worth it, that I should have lived out the rest of my days, and gone home. The devil got me to forget one of my favorite quotes of unknown origins, “My hope is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.” (The internet says C.S. Lewis said this, but that is unconfirmed.) The trusting of God’s plan is where I have to hold my ground. The last thing I want to be is a sheep being led to the slaughter. How can I protect my family if I can’t protect myself? God does nothing by accident, and while I don’t know why God has spared my life over the years, I know one thing, God has a purpose. I don’t expect the world around me to become fairy tales and unicorns. I expect the battle to continue to rage on. There must be peace of mind, and I must have my head in the game if I am going to continue to be a gears up, high speed, locked and loaded, and good to go as a soldier for the Lord. 

         A lion is what I must be. I have to keep my head on a swivel, and trust that no matter where the Lord sends me, or the mission ahead of me, He prepares my hands for battle. Scripture gives us this, 2 Timothy 2:3-4 “3 Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.” We are citizens of Heaven, ambassadors, soldiers on foreign territory. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, 4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. 5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” Our fight, summed up in a single verse. Our adversary seeks to destroy us, to pull us away from our Heavenly Father. Satan seeks to divide us from our brothers and sisters in Christ, and it’s this reason we must once again turn to scripture. 1 Peter 1:13 13 “Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” As a soldier we train as we fight. We train by repetition, getting better with each passing day. As a soldier we train to be proficient with many weapons, the M4, knives, machine guns, heavy weapons and vehicle’s, radios, and more. We do this by hours and days of practice and training. Likewise, we must be in scripture daily. We must not just read scripture, but study it, and become proficient with the Word of God. We must train our minds in this war against Satan, the same way we soldiers train in the military. In the military we have a saying that sheep dogs protect the flock. We soldiers for Christ must be the sheep dogs. Lions are apex predators, top of the food chain, we too must realize, while we are not lions by ourselves, our Lord and Savior is the creator of the food chain. Our battles must be fought with the remembrance that the blood of Christ signifies a violent death. A death that Jesus laid down his life so He may give His life, to raise it up again, and the greatest of all miracles, to save us, to turn our dead hearts into alive beating hearts for the Lord. While we are here fighting this fight, for the short time in this plain of existence, we must remember that if “God is for us, who then can be against us?” (Rom 8:31) The Lion of Judah is on our side in this fight, we have nothing to fear. The roll of a soldier is to fight for the one that sends you. While I’m not saying the fight is easy, nor am I saying I have it all together, the fight is the most important thing we’ll ever do after we give our lives to Christ. 

         Depression has gripped me hard over the last several months. With my service dog in her last days, the isolation, the physical pains I’ve endured, have all left me wondering how long till I am out of the valley, and I am laying near a peaceful stream. I cannot say what God’s plan is for me, nor can I say what God’s plan is for you, but I know that we cannot gain one single moment in our life by worrying about it. We cannot worry for tomorrow, for it will worry for itself (Matt 6:34). Our life is but a vapor, here one moment and gone the next (James 4:14) and it’s our duty to use the time we have wisely. We fight the good fight, for the men and women, the children that do not know Christ. We fight for those whom we fight alongside. We face the demons in the dark, and we light up the darkness by spreading the light of Christ. We will run the race with endurance (Heb 12:1), and we will dig in and hold the line when things get hard. I know what it’s like to feel the waves crash around you. I know what it likes to hurt and be hurt by people I loved. I know what it’s like to experience the horrors of war, and it’s because of these, that I believe I see the world a little different. We must be the warriors Christ called you to be. Be the lion, the apex predator that stands its ground, and protects the pride. My struggles recently have beaten me to the ground, and while I feel broken, and bloody, and in some ways, I am broken and bloody, Jesus, I know will continue to use me. In other ways I have not a single clue what it could be, but I know that I have to trust in the Lord, even if I don’t know what He’s doing. I hurt, and my losses in the last year, to include the recent death of my brother have left me broken hearted, and beaten to the ground. If my life does not return like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I know that while we may suffer but a little while, Heaven is eternal. We were given a promise that heaven would remove the tears, remove the pain, and in reality, to quote a famous song “The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you” (Scars in heaven : Casting Crowns). We must remain strong in the midst of battle, never quit, and never surrender. I am trying my hardest to live my life in a manner pleasing the King. Recent events have broken me down and backed me into a corner. The writing of this post is more for myself, reminding myself that Jesus is Lord, Jesus is the commander and chief over the Host of Angels, and we play a part in this war as soldiers, ambassadors, evangelists, and more. Whenever the Lord calls me home, I am ready. When the Lord calls me home, I pray I hear “Well done, my good and faithful son.” I’ve lived my life seeking the favor of the Lord, and I can only hope I’ve done well, not that we are saved by works, merely that my service pleased the Lord. Time is short, and we never know when we may lose a loved one, but while losing a loved one is tragic; we must not lose ourselves in the process. We must fight the same way we give our lives to the Lord, with all our heart, mind, and soul. Seek first the kingdom of God (Mt 6:33), and no matter what we eat or drink, do all things for the glory of the Lord. (1 Cor 10:31) Go in peace, go in love, this is the way. 

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The New Day Coming, The Weight of The World

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The New Day Coming, The Weight of The World:

         The ever-flowing waters of life, bringing change each day. Some days, the waters are slow, and calm, not a ripple in the river. Some days, it’s a raging surge of water flooding and destroying everything in its path. How then, do we handle such a turbulent array of emotions that come from a slew of difficult days? 

Having been no stranger to difficult days, the time of difficult days is not behind me, but the never-ending storm. I never expected that my heart surgery would be the last problem I’d have, but I didn’t expect the looming shadow of another surgery hanging overhead. Today the attacks of the ruler over this world (Satan) fall upon me like a giant beating me down. The bad news brought by two doctors, surgery. This will be surgery number twenty. The surgery I had was an Aorta root, valve, and stem replacement. After going into heart block, I required a pacemaker, thus turning me into a cyborg. When the temporary pacemaker wires were cut and left behind, it was supposed to be easy. Sadly, nothing with me is ever easy. Whatever can go wrong, usually does. The wire on the right side of my body began having issues when I’d bend or twist. I would experience pinching in my abdomen and it felt like deep stabbing. We are pretty sure it’s the lead, though not 100%. This upcoming surgery will require me to be in the hospital on a heparin drip leading up to the surgery, because of course I’m on blood thinners. The problem: Riley’s inoperable tumor is growing, and if the rate of speed we believe its growing at, I don’t want to leave her alone. I don’t want to spend a week or more in the hospital, if my time is coming to an end with her. 

Riley has been so integral to my recovery. Her continued presence and support as my service dog has left an immeasurable mark upon my life. I have found in my time on this earth, just how much we take time and life for granted. We often say, “I’ll call tomorrow.” Or, “I’ll reach out next week.” But sadly, days turn to weeks, and weeks turn to months, and eventually time has slipped past, and friendships drift away. Riley, on the other hand has stayed with me and has been a loyal companion all these years later. While I’d admit we had our days that were difficult, the positives far outweighed any bad. In the meantime, her and I will spend as much time together as we can, and enjoy our remaining days. My heart is heavy, and my body can tell. 

Sadly, we don’t take our friendships or relationships seriously. It’s become very apparent to me that our focus is not on our close friendships, and in my humble opinion, it’s barely on God either. I’ve seen so much tragedy in the last few weeks, from mass shootings, to the mass stabbing attack at Walmart, to a young adult being nearly fatally wounded in a motorcycle accident. The proof that our life is a vapor is all around us in the news. Yet, for some reason, either one of these facts is true, people are apathetic and the saying ‘out of sight, out of mind’ is true, or, it’s me, and people just aren’t good at being friends. With the recent diagnosis of Riley, I am finding myself mindful of the inevitable outcome and the reality that will come with her departure from this world. I will be without my closest ally, my best friend. 14 years while long for a large breed dog, is short to us. My heart is breaking with so much hatred in this world, so much evil spreading as fewer people have any regard for human life. 

Scripture tells us to “seek first the Kingdom of God”. We must remember that Jesus said we would have tribulations, and that we aren’t to feel hopeless or helpless, because He (Jesus) overcame the world. This life is temporary, and we are called to make the best of the time we have. People have long wondered what the meaning of life was, and I firmly believe that, that meaning is twofold, “Love God with all your heart, mind and soul.” And then when Jesus said to love our neighbors, that means we fulfill our mission, our meaning, to share the Gospel with all those we encounter. To live a life seeking God, and being an ambassador for our Lord Jesus Christ. We are to help make disciples of Jesus, and this is wrapped in the idea of worshiping the Lord. Life seems hard right now, and it seems unfair, and it seems like it may be more than one person can take. I feel as if the world is sitting on my shoulders, or I’m pushing it up a never-ending mountain. The truth is, in some ways, I am. I must remember that my strength within myself without Jesus won’t last long. With Christ, He renews my cup, so much so it fills over. Sometimes our cup is emptied to make room not of ourselves, but that Jesus can be the entire cup. This concept isn’t an easy one, but it’s the truth. Yes, life is difficult, and sometimes heart breaking, but that in the evident evil of this world, there must be a perfect Good to counter that evil. God must exist because the creation of this universe screams intelligent creator.

 Random chance is unlikely to make most creatures dependent upon a male and female gender to procreate. Random chance means, that alone would be a near statistical impossibility. While the idea of random chance being so precise, so exact, is laughable, many people still believe and hold on to the notion, God does not exist. Indeed, scripture tells us why. The deceiver of this world keeps them in blindness. This notion that ‘chance’ gives us these perfect things, one can look to DNA, the rotation and tilt of the earth, geometry or mathematics as a whole, to show that statistically random would not account for such perfection found in nature. If random was so precise, why did it stop once it achieved a stable foundation? IF we were all created by random, why don’t we see that kind of random behavior in nature anymore? Why does this matter? It tells us that God is thoughtful, caring, that not only does He care about humanity, but His other creation also. God cares for His universe, and thus if humanity is His most prized possession, then He infinitely cares for, and loves us, wishing none would perish, but that all would come and seek Him. If God loves me that much, and there’s so much incontrovertible evidence to show God’s love and care, how then can I allow this worlds overlord to deceive me and break me down. Satan the great adversary is attacking me, attempting to break me down. The spiritual warfare I’ve been under these last several months is hard. I feel broken, I feel beat down, I feel tired, and worn out. I have not quit, but I feel like my armor is failing and I’m losing this fight. I feel like Satan is winning the battle, and I have questioned how long can I hold on. The truth remains that Jesus told us we will have tribulations, and James told us to rejoice in tribulation that it builds character. 

         Unthinkable loss however comes as a shock. During the writings of this blog post, I learned while on my way to a prayer vigil, my brother, died. He was at work when he started to feel bad, and unfortunately suffered a heart attack, which then turned into cardiac arrest inside the ambulance. He coded, and sadly, they couldn’t get him back. He was only 44 years old. This loss comes as a surprise, and reminds me, that if something’s important to you, make the time. People are the second most important thing behind a great and mighty God. This loss comes after a 30 -year search for my father. The question always remained, ‘did I have siblings?’ Last year after I finally ended my search for my father (who passed in 2003), that I did have two half siblings. When I found my father, I was left with just a first name of my siblings, but the last names were not certain. I would continue my search, not to be swayed by the sheer lack of evidence, the seemingly impossible task. I found dad through a name and ancestry DNA. My siblings, wouldn’t be so ‘easy’. In just four months I had my first conversation with my brother Eddie, or as his sister called him (Andy). This hard truth has been laid upon my heart, we must know Christ as Lord, and we must seek the kingdom of God. There is nothing more important than this. Knowing the Lord because without him there is no hope. 

         Since I began writing this, not only did my brother pass, but the earth suffered an 8.8 magnitude earthquake. This earthquake triggered tsunami warnings over most of the pacific coast from Russia to Alaska, to Hawaii, to the east coast of the U.S.A. Life is a vapor, here one moment, gone the next. When I found out about Jake’s motorcycle accident, his near miss with death, and the cause for the prayer vigil, it reminded me that while we may think we are in control, we are not. We are in control of very little in this life, and our fate, or destiny, or whatever you may want to call it, lays very little with us. Yes, our actions have consequences, but we see so little of the puzzle that we cannot expect much to go the way we ‘think’ it will. The one thing we do have control over is accepting Jesus as Lord. We can call the Lord ABBA Father, and we can surrender our hearts to the creator of the universe. We can see our lives for what they are, sinful, and ourselves dead in our sins. We can see Jesus as Lord, and then the lamb of God which takes away the sins of the world. We can see Jesus as the Lion of Judah that defeated death, and gave us the same resurrection power. We can live because He died. We have hope, because death couldn’t hold Him. We have and know love, because He first loved us. Let us not waist one more second, and surrender all to the King of Kings. Let us no longer live in fear, but in assurance have the courage of the King. Go, and use the time He has given us. 

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A Mirror Dimly 

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A Mirror Dimly :

I have recently considered something about myself, who am I? As I have written before, I was a child in a broken home, in a broken school, full of bullies who tortured me for their daily dose of fun. I managed to move to sanctuary where I found peace, and happiness. Even though I would leave for the Army on the tail of heartbreak, from losing a friend, I kept my humor, and positive outlook. For a while in Iraq, I kept my light hearted personality, but within a year of returning home, I began seeing a change within myself. The loss and hardships I’d experienced began to change me. I began feeling quiet, isolated, even angry. For the next several years I found myself in one bad relationship after another, where my playful childlike personality was being repressed, and suppressed. I was unable to express that side of me for over a decade. I have the heart of a nerd, and I love nerd things, from science fiction, fantasy, games, history, and theology. I was unable to talk about such things, such desires. I was unable to truly be myself. The healing I needed after my time at war, was far from me. Upon leaving the military, I was forced to endure difficult times trying to find employment. I suffered one rejection after another. Only after seeking help from a temp agency was I able to find work, but it was just manual labor, in a factory. I was working 50 to 60 hours a week, and never realized there was no time for healing. I was a broken man; I just didn’t know it. 

While I have healed in many ways since then, I have felt the weight of life crushing down upon my shoulders. Now that I am disabled, and receiving social security and VA disability, my income is limited to whatever the government deems is worth that of a disabled veteran. On my income where I live, I can barely make ends meet. I struggle monthly on an incredibly tight budget. How can I take care of my family? Where can I find the means to do so? If I am the man of the house and I’m unable to do such things, what good am I? With my physical body a mere fraction of what I once was, I am faced with a harsh reality, what I make now, is what I will make for the rest of my life. Unless the government does something drastically different, or the economy is forever reset to a lower cost of living, my options are limited. These two things have affected the views I have for myself. While I know that Jesus loves me, I know that life is full of difficulty. I know that sometimes life isn’t fair. This doesn’t change the fact that every day I am reminded just how much of a failure I am. I look at myself in the mirror at how much weight I’ve gained, how little I am able to physically do and the mere fraction of the man I once was. It’s no wonder I struggle to find inner peace, I have internal turmoil raging like a hurricane. 

I have recently found it difficult to accept the truth. This is not me complaining, just pointing out the facts. While it’s rare for me to receive replies to text messages I send out, it’s far rarer to actually meet with anyone. Gone are the days of lunches and dinners and trips with friends. This has all made a perfect storm, that while my faith is strong, my self-worth is not. With the physical health situation, mixed with the friend’s situation, it seems the battle within this world is not just at my door step, but in the home as well. It seems the 8 months I’ve been recovering has left me a shadow of the man I once was. I am facing challenges at the age of 41 I never thought I’d face in my life. The one thing I’ve kept in my mind is what Paul said in “1 Corinthians 12:9 9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” While we do not know the thorn Paul is referring too, the message remains the same. Sometimes the Lord allows us to struggle to keep us where we are needed, or where He wants us to be. In Paul’s case, Paul saw this as keeping him from exalting himself. Paul goes on in verse 10 and states he’s content with weakness. Am I content where I am? What can I learn from Paul? I chose to have heart surgery, to stay in this life for years to come, not because it’s what I wanted, but it’s what my family wanted and needed. Now, I am left picking up the pieces, and still, I stare at my phone waiting for replies to my messages. Days, weeks and sometimes longer, I am left wondering, what did I do wrong? Why do I struggle so hard to make and keep friends? What is it about Americans that don’t spend time with friends anymore? Or, is it just me? It’s true my recent move has isolated me more than I thought it would. I expected to meet neighbors, and maybe friends. But, as we see, people in apartments don’t really chat much, sadly. So, I am left facing the sad truth. I may not be popular, and I may not have a tight, strong, circle of friends, but God’s grace is sufficient for me. I must rely on the strength of God to get me through these hard times. Make no mistake, I am in a fight, but I know that my God will see me through. I will continue to fight the good fight because I am a soldier for Christ. I know this life will be filled with heartbreak, heartache, disappointment, and yet, there will be beauty as well. We must force ourselves to train our minds to see and recognize the blessings God sends our way. We cannot become proficient in God’s word, proficient with the sword of the Armor of God unless we take time and train. If we are to fight against the prince of the power of the air, the evil over and within this world, we must be ready to do so. When the attacks come, we must be ready to defend ourselves. We must be prepared to resist the lies, the whiles of the devil and his demons. We must be willing to stand our ground, hold fast to the word of God, and never compromise to appease the world. The lies of the devil are not always blatantly obvious. Sometimes the lies are sprinkled with truth, and we must be ready and willing to be studied up, prayed up, and prepared to fight the good fight. 

I find myself being tempted, and attacked in the dark. The chronic pain, and insomnia weigh heavily upon me. The dozens of texts and messages that go unanswered. The lack of support for my work via my podcast and blog, weighs heavily on me. The isolation from moving away from where my church is located reminds of me of just how hard it is to make friends as a Christian in a secular world. Continuing to recover from heart surgery has been incredibly difficult as I face physical limitations daily. I have pain I never thought I’d have. I have daily struggles. The devil uses all of these things to probe my defenses, to shoot flaming arrows in my direction. Have I trained enough to avoid the impacts? Have I studied enough to fight back? Have I prepared enough to resist? I pray I am meek, ready to use what I have learned but keeping that power in check always. It’s difficult some days to find my value. It’s challenging to not let the dark days win. It’s hard for me to stay focused on the Lord sometimes. I often feel like Peter stepping out of the boat, standing on the water, with all the waves around him, but the moment the thunder and lightning crack, the waves crash all around him, he looks away from Jesus, and begins to plumet down to Davy Jones locker. Jesus grabs him and says “ye of little faith”. I also sometimes have too little faith. I am grateful for a King, and Savior that grabs me when I’m sinking. A Shepherd that shields me from the wolves. That is with me in the midst of the fire. That sends His angels to be with me and guide me, and protect me. That the Holy Spirit rests within me. Even when I make mistakes and sin, my heart breaks for the pain I have caused my God. I am weak, and sometimes frail, but I know that God is the God of forgiveness, and chances. I know that God watches me, and is with me, even when I don’t believe in myself, God has made me an heir to the Kingdom, a citizen of Heaven. Of course, it’s easier to say the words than to believe them in my heart. The Devil has done a great work with phycological warfare. A battle is being waged and I am in the middle of it. I know I need to stay firm on the Word of God, and always, seek first the kingdom of God. I pray you too continue to fight the good fight, and continue to do good for the Lord our God. Go in peace and my the Love of God abound upon you, and may His blessings be abundant and clear to you. 

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Surviving 

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Surviving 

How have I survived and kept my heart? I didn’t. I let hurt bury deep inside like a black sludge, and unchecked it spread like Venom the symbiont which took over spiderman causing him to be someone he wasn’t. I became that black spiderman, wanting to do good, but not. I was harsh, ill tempered, and while most of the time I could hide the suit under my clothes, sometimes the sludge won the day. 

A low song turned to a beautiful voice of what seemed like a hundred in sync voices singing to just me. I see faces, could this be the face of Jesus in each one? How many are there? So many in this late hour. Showing me the face of Jesus. He loves me this much, perhaps I never really knew, or at least I’d never seen it before. I began to see. The voices broke and stopped. Soon I’m left in the candlelight. The fight began, the sludge fought me. I wanted it gone, I tried to rip it off, and expel it, but it’s grip on me was strong. I knelt down at the cross and prayed like I’d never prayed before. “Lord Help ME! I need YOU!” I knelt there and cried. So many years. I hurt, and I felt the place in my heart that the black sludge was coming from. I felt abuse, I felt bullying, I felt heart break, I felt loss, I felt death, I felt war, I felt divorce, I felt more loss, and I felt lying, and more divorce, betrayal, and darkness that nearly took my life. And a spoonful of self-loathing to top it off. I could see it spewing from my broken heart like a rancher who struck oil. “Lord I need YOU! I need you Now.” “Lord please take this from me. Clean me Lord, please, I beg you.” The tears that fell that night were thick. I thought perhaps I’d never stop. Then a hand settled upon my shoulder. Power flew through the connection. I felt power rush into me. I looked up and saw my friend, my sponsor who brought me here. Could it be that easy? Yes and no. While the black sludge was removed, the broken heart still needed a bit of work. 

More events, like WWP’s Project Odyssey, A sailing clinic in Hawaii, a Soldier Ride in Cape Cod, all laid before me by God to start the healing process for different areas in my life. The brokenness within the heart while filled with scars, but were no longer spewing the black sticky, intrusive sludge. Different therapies I’d push myself into, and through, would help stitch up brokenness within me. One by one, and a lot of time. 

While I held onto the sweet boy the best I could, there was much hurt that he masked. His favorite superhero embodied that hurt. Batman who lost his parents, for the boy, that would almost have been easier. But Batman learned to harness that anger, and turned it into a force for good. The man in his life, Captain Jean-Luke Picard, once abducted by the Borg and forcefully changed to do their will, faced the anger and hardship to return to himself. Their intrusive attack left Him changed. But if a man could go through that, and still return to the Enterprise and show love and kindness, diplomacy, and embody the heart of a gentleman, I could do it too. Then, the real-life Hero, Dave Pelzer. He survived not having a name, torture, and the life he built and became a man with forgiveness in his heart. I would become a writer because of his works on “Child Called IT”. I met him once, and talked, the inspiration for my own book. I would be giving small inspirations in my life, and I would look to them, and see the goodness of people, and I wanted to be good too, and I wanted to fight evil. I dreamt of being a superhero. I dreamt that one day I would fight bullies, fight injustice, fight those who tried to do wrong. I would be hurt, but then there was Matt Murdock, Daredevil. He was blind, gifted with extraordinary talents, he would become blind justice. Why couldn’t I find a way to fight back against the evil? I didn’t know it back then, but I would get my chance. 

After the darkness nearly took me in 2016, I felt the lighting, the power of God surge through my body, giving me the strength to survive, to fight back against the darkness that tried to take me, but God saved me. Those experiences led me to write, as I write this day. The darkness did try to take me, but I would be brought back from the brink. I fell into the blackest of shadows, but God wasn’t done with me and He brought me back. I fight from my desk in my words I put out there for the world to see. I fight from my service in the Wounded Warrior Project as a peer mentor. I fight from my service to God and serve in the Lamplighter community. I fight from my service to those who are lost seeking direction, as I give the Lords words to those willing to hear my Podcast. I fight the darkness by sharing the Light that saved me. The Lord stayed with me, and never gave up on me. I was once infected by that black sludge, but no more. Once in a while it tries to grab on to my wrists and while sometimes it’s tight, the Lord always steps in and cuts off the source, freeing me from it’s dark grasp. I could have become a villain, but Jesus stepped in. I could feel that darkness rising within me, that sludge wanting me to give in, but the Light of the World said No. The light of the world gave me purpose, gave me value, because of His Love, I was given value in this world. The light saved me. That lonely boy who sat in the room as the darkness surrounded him, wanting to entomb him, the light dispelled that darkness. Through the years the Light kept the darkness at bay. Then one night, that light expelled the darkness once and for all. One night the light became an ember within Him, and that ember turned into a spark, and that spark turned into a flame, and that flame became a torch, for Him. The darkness would be defeated. 

Sure, there’s still pain and questions that go unanswered to this day, but that young boy grew up, the man was saved, and the ember that was fighting for survival from childhood was given fuel to ignite. No longer did the darkness live inside, but now, only attacks from the outside. Free was the Man. Freedom came from a night of candles and love, showing Him more of Jesus than he ever knew. The Light of the world. The light shines within me now. The battles comes, but I am equipped with the full armor of God. I am covered in His love. He is faithful. I may go into the fiery furnace but He protects me. I may be tossed to the lions, but His Holy Angels cover me from the attacks of the great deceiver. I went from a luke warm Christian to a soldier, prepared for battle. My fingers strengthened for the war, to wield the Sword of Truth. I am shod with His sandals of the Gospel of Peace. I am covered in prayers, and the Spirit is always with me. I am strengthened as to keep me strong, and to run and not grow weary. I am held up so I do not stumble. I know that there will be a day when I no longer have tears, but my Lord God, maker of Heaven and earth, sought me, and snatched me from the depths of hell. I was rescued by my Lord, and now I fight. I gladly face the army of Satan and with God’s strength behind me, I have nothing to fear while I try to reach souls for salvation. I can face down the army of demons and the Lord as my general I have been given a spirit of courage, not of fear. I continue to grow in strength, and my prayer is this, “My hope is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.” – Unknown. Lord, give me faith like Daniel. A heart like David, and Hope like Moses. Lord give me your strength to face the enemy with confidence that no matter what your will, will be done. I have been cleaned by your forgiving grace, and I pray your righteousness shines through me, that your justice and gospel emanate from all I do in my life. To you be the Glory, and may I be forgotten, but your words are not. Amen…

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Persevering with Perseverance 

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Persevering with perseverance 

In recent weeks, or months, I have felt that I have failed in life. With the changes in my health, which put me in the hospital for a couple weeks, the fundamental breakdowns within important relationships in my life, and the lackluster direction of my eldest half-sibling relationship. I have felt heart broken, betrayed, sad, lost, and angry, plus perhaps a few more emotions I haven’t discussed yet with myself. The flood of emotions that comes with open-heart surgery are many and extensive. I’ve been trying to face and manage all that’s happened but truthfully, while in some areas I’ve excelled, in others I’ve failed a bit. I’ve asked recently how so much has gone so wrong. I’ve asked God how much He thinks I can handle. I know many say “God will never give you more than you can handle”, but in reality, that’s not at all what the scripture says. That scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:13 says this “13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” Our way out is putting our trust and faith in Jesus. We find comfort in Jesus and he see’s us through the storm. It’s the truth, when i say I’ve been under constant attack by the enemy. Satan, has been putting in a great deal of hours making my life miserable these last several months. The truth is, God will allow us to go through all the world throws at us, because we are to rely on His strength, not our own. We are to turn to God and follow “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

— Matthew 11:28-30. We fight daily, and go from one battle to the next. Our faith tells us that we have been given a spirit of courage, and not of fear, and if we are to be soldiers, we must learn to hone that courage, and face our fears. We must face them till we have control over it. When I was in the military we go through extensive desensitization training, so when we actually get shot at, or blown up, our flight-fight response honed, and not easily triggered. We trained, and we trained, and we prepared knowing the fight was going to come. As Christians, we know that the fight is going to come, because the Lord told us as much, but we rarely prepare for anything. 

Preparing for the fight, and actively learning, and growing in the Lord is as important as breathing. If we are to live, and live well, we must learn to fight well, and be prepared for anything that may come our way. When we consider the nature of our enemy, we must consider the supernatural aspect of it. The Angels do not need to sleep, and because they don’t, Satan doesn’t. As a fallen angel, Satan and his demons never sleep. We mere mortals, have lives, our attention divided in many directions. Satans army of demons have but one goal, destroy our lives, and cause as much problems as they can. With an enemy like that, how can we afford not to prepare our hearts and minds for the inevitable attacks that come? When we fail to build ourselves up, we face the dangers of the war going on all around us evermore. Complacency kills not only our own spirit, but can and does destroy our families, and other relationships. 

FIGHTING BACK

It’s always important to know how to study, so here are some basic tips needed to know for preparing your minds for battle. 

First: Picking the right bible. It’s important to know that not all bibles are the same. Some are a more faithful word for word translation, while others attempt to portray the thought and meaning behind the scripture. I for one, have gone through a process when it comes to scripture. I started off with two primary translations, the ESV or English Standard Version, the NKJV, which is the New King James Version, and now, while I sometimes still use the other two, the NASB95 is my go-to translation. It is generally thought that the NASB95 is the closest word for word bible we have. This of course does not include the newly printed Legacy bible. When you chose your bible, just because it’s ‘easier’ to read, doesn’t mean is the better bible. Words matter, and I always recommend having a tool to allow you the ability to see the original wording as part of your bible study. 

Second: Study bible, and study tools. I would recommend a study bible so you can read a short commentary verse by verse about what a studied individual has to say about a verse. This also comes with a caveat. Not all study bible commentaries are considered reputable. I would recommend someone like John MacArthur, RC. Sproul, JC Ryle, and such for commentaries. One of my favorite study bibles is the ESV Reformation Study Bible by RC. It’s massive, with a ton of extra information. 

Third: A daily devotional. While this doesn’t ever replace study, I do believe it gives us bits of God’s message. I personally have several devotionals; my favorite is the Hobbit Devotional. Not all devotionals are written by those who are reputable either. Be careful who you listen to on social media, YouTube, and in writing. Not all those who claim the name of Christ are of Christ. 

Lastly: Personal Study. This does not mean you just read scripture, but that you study the verse. Find the deeper connections, dig for gold verse by verse. Look up the original language to ensure the English words are truly the meaning we find in scripture. Cross reference verses. Learn how the bible fits together. Dig deep and train your mind to see God’s word inside your heart. We must bury scripture deep into our hearts, so it begins to sprout with deep roots, and the tree of God is evident in the fruit we produce. How do we handle and manage situations? Can Christ be seen in our actions? We must study to allow the tree to grow inside us. To fight back against the schemes of the Devil. We must learn and grow so me can properly live Christlike before the world, but most importantly, before our families. 

Hardships come to all who live in this world. This is an incontrovertible fact, one we must come to expect, and not shy or hide away from. Knowing these hardships will come, why then do we not prepare for them? Do we not board up windows and fill sandbags when storms like hurricanes come? Do we not seek shelter when the tornado sirens blare in the night? Do we not batten down the hatch when the winds billow? Why then do we not prepare for the fight we know is coming? We as Christians are lazy. We have a pseudointellectual understanding of the bible, but it’s barely even a surface level understanding because we take verses out of context, or cant decipher a scripture verse, verses a movie quote. Let me give you an example. How many wise men were there at the manger with Jesus when he was born? If you said three you were wrong. First, it’s likely there were many, many more than three. Second, they were not there the night our savior was born. Instead when we read scripture, we see he was likely closer to two years old when they found him. We now this because when we read scripture, we see it’s both separated, and the time gap can be seen when Harod doesn’t murder just the babies, but the infants as old as two years old. Because we often see in culture these misconceptions, we in essence believe these things, and it hurts the name of Christ. 

Scripture tells us we will have trials, we will have tribulations, we will face hardships, and heartbreaks, and if we don’t know how to manage life’s difficulties, it will destroy us. It’s interesting that if you take a child and that child goes through hardships, that warm, loving child will often change. We lose something as we get older, but while scripture tells us we need to mature, we are also called to have the wonderment, the faith of a child. We let life get the better of us, so much so, we hold on to unforgiveness, we become hard, we become jaded. I look back at myself, and often wonder what went wrong? Where did things change for me? How did I go from an optimistic, fun loving, positive kid, to what I am today? It’s almost as if life stole something from me, and I never got it back. 

The truth is, no one gets out of this world without scars. Our scars can define us. If we chose to, the scars can be a negative reminder, keeping us in our pain, and suffering. Or, the scars can be seen as a battle in which we emerged victorious. I had open heart surgery recently, and I have many scars now. I have constant pain and struggle from things that have happened after surgery. How should I go about handling it? Should I face my every day with a poor attitude, be angry at the world? Or, should I look to these challenges, and be grateful for the miracles I experienced which kept me alive? While our minds are preset to look at life in a negative way, we have the power to change the programming, and face life with a different set of eyes. We may not be able to change or have control over the events that happen to us, but we do have the ability to change how we act and respond to these events. What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? Recently I was asking some question about my deceased father. I’ve gotten a mixed bag of feedback. The things I heard in some ways made me very sad. In some ways, I now wonder if I was better off not knowing all these years. Was I protected by God by being separated my whole life? I don’t know. What I do know is this, we will make mistakes, and we will do stupid things, but it’s our jobs as Christians to do our best to mitigate those mistakes. It’s our job to try and look like Christ in everything we do. Every interaction we have, both good and bad, how do we respond? The more scripture is buried into your heart, we respond better. We can chose to live our lives in despair, or we can persevere, push through the pain, and suffering, and see the light of God the Father in our lives. Focus on the positive things God is doing. Focus on how God is blessing you, and taking away only that which makes you stronger. Take away what you need in the traumas you face, and leave the rest behind. Don’t live in your review mirror, but look forward instead. Glance behind once in a while, but only to see what you’ve overcome, what God has brought you through. But, then, focus on today, right in front of you, then look out to the horizon as you look forward to tomorrow. Never quit, never surrender, and always seek God’s wisdom, and truth, and be grace, and mercy, forgiveness, but most importantly, don’t forget to be love. This is how you persevere in life. This is how you excel in the trials of this world. You seek first the kingdom of God, and in all you do, do for the glory of the Lord. 

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Fear

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Fear is not something I’ve experienced much of in my later life. Today, I am afraid. As my life is about to change forever, fear fills my heart. It isn’t that I don’t have faith, or not enough faith, as a friends message pointed out so eloquently recently, but I am mostly human. That’s a cyborg joke since I now have a mechanical upgrade keeping my heart pacing. I have faced death and been shot at, blown up, jumped out of airplanes, and have moved across the world many times. My life, has not been an easy road, but my life longs for peace, and I’ve not had it since heart surgery. It’s amazing how much heart surgery forces us to face our mortality. It’s amazing to think that just a couple months ago, I nearly died. Our hearts are so tender at a funeral. The emotions right at the surface, like a live wire to be plucked by life. In a way, while no one has died recently in my life, death is not just the living body. I have in other ways, experienced loss, and grief. My dearly beloved cat has passed. My body has experienced a grave trauma. I am about to move to a new home after eight years. I feel as if I am not going to find peace any time soon in my life. In fact, simultaneously peace and not peace. While life is beyond stressful, and my plate is full, life is not of peace, but my heart knows the Lord. The Lord grants peace, we know this from scripture. We aren’t robots, or at least I’m not all robot. 

Paul is offering the Lords peace be upon the readers of his letter. 

Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!

— 2 Thessalonians 3:16

John notes the words of Jesus. 

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

— John 14:27

Our peace is found in the Lord. We face the worlds struggles, and while we do these things as faithful Christians, we know many faithful struggled. 

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.”

— 1 Kings 19:4

Elijah suffered long, David suffered, Peter suffered, and many, many more. The Christ’s church cannot be stopped by the gates of Hell. More important than any others, Jesus suffered for us. 

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

— 1 Peter 5:10

What is life but a vapor? A short while we are here, and in this life, Jesus promised hard times, but also promised that in those times, we would not be tempted more than any other person, 

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

— 1 Corinthians 10:13

Jesus is our way, Jesus is the way. Jesus shows us the escape. When we are suffering, and when we are struggling, Jesus is our God, who saves us, who removes our ledge of crimson, and makes it white as snow. May we repent of our sins, and Jesus makes straight our path. No one said the path would be easy, but we must ask if we are doing as He commands us. I am but a mere human, struggling to walk the path. I read, I study, I listen, and yet lo, I struggle.

For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

— Psalm 13:1-3

Jesus comforts us and is near to the broken hearted. Am I broken hearted? Yes. Do I struggle? Yes. My brokenness runs deep right now. In my prayers I ask God to grant me His peace. I ask God grants me serenity to let go of what I need to let go of, fix what i can fix, and in all ways accept God’s path, that I will not lean upon my own understanding. My heart breaks apart this day, but one day, it shall be made new and I shall see God. 

Having fear is human. When the Word says I have not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of courage, we really have to continue to grow. Sanctification is a process. We have to spend time in the word to grow in the spirit of Christ. I have spent years dealing with this topic. When I was in Iraq I was forced to face fear. After you face evil directly, fear is something that starts to fade. When I began growing in the Lord, my fear of death disappeared. When I consider fear, I consider that most if not all fears generally when you travel down the road of that fear, it ends with a fear of one’s own mortality. Once you can eliminate your fear of dying, many other fears will disappear. That being said, there are some fears, such as the fear of failure, fear of change, that must also be concurred. As I am faced with some of these fears, I am not accustomed to feeling fear. When I was facing heart surgery, I did not have a fear of dying, but rather, more concerned about what the surgery would do to my loved ones. While I do not have the same fear that many people do, my loved ones have a great fear of dying, and a fear of losing me. It’s this fear, that I have been cognoscente of. How can I, the man of the house, lift up those who remain in their fear? When I am afraid of the upcoming change in my life, that I will fail, and fall into hard times? I don’t have an answer, except to continue to grow in your walk with Christ. We must face our fears, and we do that by reading the Word of God. We study, we grow, we allow the word to change who we are. We must be ready to defend our faith, and we cannot do that if we are not growing in Christ. For some, maybe you haven’t accepted Christ yet. First, acknowledge you are a sinner. We are dead in our sins, not worthy of Heaven. We must see ourselves as sinners, and know that Jesus is the savior for our sins. He handed himself over, and laid down his life to reconcile the repentant sinner to God the Father. We must surrender to Christ, and know He is both Savior, and Lord. We must accept Him as our sacrifice for sins, and therefore, we must trust in faith, and obey His commandments. There is no sin so great that God cannot forgive. We do however need to feel that sorrow over sin, and truly repent of our sins. Jesus is worth your heart. Let us continue to grow in Him. 

May God grant me peace, and understanding, and love. God shows me His way. I pray for mercies as I navigate these troubled waters. May I step out of the boat, and trust in Him.

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Faith

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Faith

I’ve talked about faith a lot on this website. Faith is something we each have, even if we don’t realize it. Those who talk against the Christian walk, in support of the sciences have faith. Those who claim to be atheists have faith. Those who claim to be agnostic have faith. Faith is the believing in something without all the proof. Merriam Webster says this “belief and trust in and loyalty to God”, “firm belief in something for which there is no proof”, “Complete Trust”, 
 “something that is believed especially with strong conviction”. You see, faith, is had by everyone, it’s simply a matter of defining what they believe. 

Many believe a Christians faith is misplaced, or it’s based on poor evidence. Sadly, this assertion is simply far from the truth. It’s been said that the faith needed for the big bang, or evolution is far greater than that of the Christian walk. There is less evidence for those things, than there is of the Christian faith. Even the other religions pale in comparison to evidence, and some have little to no evidence at all. I will not be getting into each of these things and why they lack evidence, but I encourage you to do some deep dives. For Christians, there are a few people who’ve done extraordinary work on this and I will be talking about some of them. 

The Bible expresses faith is this, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the [Evidence]conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

We do not walk blindly into the night, or at least many of us don’t. When I say us, I mean those who do this for a living. Those who study the faith, study scripture, and preach it and teach it regularly, have usually done deep dives into the, testing the integrity of the Bible, the dependability of the scriptures, the trustworthiness of the eyewitnesses that spoke on Christ. These things lend to our faith being strengthened, and in many cases fortified in its indwelled truth of what is written in God’s word. Simply put, the Bible is reliable, and has stood up to scrutinizing people for centuries, in fact, for a little over 2000 years now. 

My personal faith: Growing up in the Catholic church, I felt a strong connection to church. I didn’t have some of the usual catholic ideals pushed on me, so it wan’t till older in life I heard of such things. I did not hardly ever touch my rosary. I very seldom heard the ‘Hail Mary’. I did however do the other sacraments, of confession, confirmation, and first communion. One other thing I heard growing up was praying to the saints for intercession of our needs. When I got older, I became confused. The Bible says this, Romans 8:34 34 “who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.” And in 1 John 2:1 “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous;” and in Hebrews 7:25 25 “Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them.” 

I didn’t understand, so, was I supposed to pray to the saints? Was I supposed to pray to Mary? The more I studied my Bible, the more I became convicted, some of the things I thought were right, didn’t seem right anymore. As I got back into church, the first church was an Episcopal church, where women were priests. This raised another slew of questions for me. I had often wondered if the Catholic church was correct forcing celibacy on priests, but this was something entirely different. This, allowing women to preach, was this in scripture? Scripture says this 1 Timothy 2:12 “But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.” It seems women were not supposed to be priests, or for that matter preach the word to a room of men. The caveat of course is we know Pricilla helped in the teaching of a prominent teacher (Apollos). This shows us that woman can teach kids, and even help evangelize for Christ. But not to have a role preaching from the pulpit. 

As I got older and continued to grow, a few men came into my life that helped me study scripture. They did not just give me their opinion; in fact, it was quite the opposite. “The opinions of man are smashed on the anvil of the Word of God” Charles Spurgeon. What was taught was pure scripture. As I grew in understanding, my faith also grew. The more into the word I got, the greater and stronger my faith became. I began to see where my old opinions began to die, along with my old assertions to what was true. The more into scripture I got, the more the idea that I grew up sorely lacking crept into my life. IF that Catholics had it wrong, what was right? The answer was actually pretty simple. Ephesians 2:8-9 “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” For I, me, the Arrow Preacher, is saved by grace, through faith. Like the serpent held high by Moses to allow the Israelites to be saved, they must look upon it and have faith. We must look up to our Christ Jesus on the cross and have faith of who He was, and what He died for. Our messiah, Our Lord. It was in that moment I realized there was a doctrine that lined up with scripture, and as I was taught, this doctrine would become the hill I’d be willing to die on. This doctrine is called “The Five Solas”: 

Sola Gratia – Grace Alone

Sola Fide – Faith Alone 

Solus Christus – Christ Alone 

Soli Deo Gloria – Glory of God Alone

Sola Scriptura – Scripture Alone

Made easy, we are saved by Grace, in Faith, through Christ, for the Glory of God, and our only source of knowledge and truth is in scripture. For more on this you can read here at Ligonier Ministries. 

https://learn.ligonier.org/articles/what-are-the-five-solas

My faith grew because I was learning from the Bible alone, and because I was reading God’s truth, I began to see many of the doctrines I was taught growing up had actually led me astray. But my faith having been put to the test in 2016 came out stronger, and continued to grow in strength. 

In 2016, a couple days after I discovered my ex-wife was having an affair, I was sitting in church alone. I was sitting in a spot I never sat before, I was sitting in the pew a broken man. My everything was shattered. I heard the preacher talk, and the Holy Spirit rested over me, convicting me of my brokenness. Showing me that I had but one thing to do. The question came into my mind, “What if I gave everything, what if I gave you everything, what if I stopped holding back everything from you?” I walked the isle that day, tears flowing from my face before I got to the pastor. I was ready to surrender and give it all to Jesus. I was ready to lay my shame out there and walk out of that sanctuary a new man. That broken man, broke down upon the alter, tears flowing uncontrollably from his face. Crying out to the Lord to take over, to change him. He didn’t want to be that many anymore. A week later I had a brush with death. My wife was leaving, taking with her half of everything. She was taking with her 100% of our family. In my loss, and added a little liquid death (alcohol), I sat on the front porch and watched her and her sister pack the car. In my despair I put a pistol to my shoulder and pulled the trigger. I was experiencing a major break in the internal walls I had built to hold all my traumas. Everything passed by my internal eye like movie clips, showing me each of my traumas and failures. I was experiencing a tsunami effect, years of compartmentalization coming back to haunt me. I couldn’t take the failure in my brain, and the pain I felt, needed to be matched with an equal amount of physical pain. I was not looking to die, but to feel, to stop the emotional pain, to reset the onboard computer. I thought my fate was sealed, and that pistol sat upon my shoulder for just a few seconds before I pulled the trigger. What I saw that day stays in my mind, vividly. The blood splatter, the screams, the oxygen leaving my body, and in less than a few moments, nothing. The world was black, it was a void, nothing above me, or below me, nothing I could see, and no light but just a bit from myself. In my fear, in my despair, I cried out to God, “God, I’m sorry.” I expected nothing. I looked for nothing. I expected to die and this was the end of my life, a void of nothing. But that’s when I heard it. A voice came from the darkness shaking the very bones of my body. “You’re forgiven” was all the words said. It felt like being inside a lightning bolt. How much the ground shakes when a bolt is close, was nothing in compare to what I felt. My whole-body shook, as what felt like a lightning bolt hit me. I awoke in the ambulance surprising the paramedics, who believed I’d die before reaching the hospital. The pain my body was in, I wanted to return to what I knew was God. But, much like the words of Gandalf in “Two Towers” “I’ve been sent back, at the turn of the tide.” Why had God sent me back and not just taken me home? 

While I was justified that Sunday September 11th, 2016, my sanctification process would come in a very real metaphorical dumpster fire. I would have to rely on my faith and what little scripture I knew to start getting me through the next 10 months. The divorce and separation were messy to say the least. My faith however was growing in the Lord. It was not a blind faith, but one built upon the Lord’s truth. The Apostles would die, die horrible deaths fueled by hatred and torture, they died never once recanting their eyewitness accounts. Who dies for a lie? People die all the time for a lie, but not one they know for sure is a lie. Jesus could not be a good man, if He wasn’t who He said He was. If He lied, He’d not be a good man, because good men don’t lie. When we see the Apostles were all in hiding at His crucifixion, why the sudden change? Why did they go from petrified cowards, to be willing to get put into jail over and over again, and even horrible deaths. What did they see? They saw the very real risen Christ. Why did Jesus have 12 Apostils? Representing the 12 tribes from the Old Testament. Jesus chose men, no one would choose to change the world. Their eye witness counts would stand the scrutiny of those who truly study it. Men like J. Werner Wallace, Lee Strobel, and Josh McDowell, Sean H. McDowell, have given us the work, the unbiased, or rather, atheist bias, of the scriptures, and the truth of the scriptures turned Wallace, and Strobel into believers. From atheist to believer in the process of disputing and attempt to disprove the scriptures, yet, now, they believe Jesus was who He said He was. 

Myself, I grew up believing parts of the Bible but not all of it. I very much believed in Theistic evolution (also known as theistic evolutionism or God-guided evolution), alternatively called evolutionary creationism, is a view that God acts and creates through laws of nature. I tried to mix the science I grew up with, and the faith I had. This was folly however, as I would come to believe, I had been wrong my whole life. Through my studies with my mentors, and even the Christian University I attended, I found, I was wrong. I truly had been broken down to the bedrock, and rebuilt in Christ. I did not know why Jesus saved me that day, but it wasn’t an easy road. Truly, I laid all my hopes on the table and all my sins were forgiven. I had been washed by the blood, and Jesus saw to rebuild me. My faith in Jesus that September 11th would change my life forever. The day I put that 9mm through my shoulder, I would truly be reborn, because the life I was living had been touched by the hand of God. In my investigation, I found I was never shocked by the paddles, so the electricity I felt, could not have been the defibrillator, but the hand of God. God saw fit, to drastically and dramatically alter my life. 

Over the next year God would put me where He wanted me. I’d have emergency neck surgery and God would bring me through that as well. I’d go through (WWP) Project Odyssey, which began to help with the trauma I had experienced in my life. I’d go through DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy), which is a structured therapy that helps people learn to manage their emotions and change their behaviors. I’d go to another (WWP) Wounded Warrior Project, a Soldier Ride, in which I met a man that changed my path. He expressed his opinion, my path was that of ministry. I laughed at him. I was to broken, too lost in my life to get into ministry. My faith, was tainted by my own self-doubts, my own self-loathing, that hadn’t been purged from me completely yet. I’d later experience a weekend with God, in a program called Lamplighter, and that was the last major even that would change my course, to, you guessed it, ministry. My faith, which was being shown, my life was meant to trust in God, not just during the good times, the easy times, but the hardest of times. My faith was being forged in the trials of life. My walk with God was being shaped through many hardships, and my faith was growing in strength. 

Since then, I have experienced many hardships in my life. I’ve experienced loss, and heartbreak. I recently had yet another brush with death, but many consecutive miracles. For those I would like to have you read 

The Week My Heart Stopped

and 

One Month Later 

These posts highlight what I went through. They highlight the events I believe to be miracles in my life. This doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. What it does mean, is the path of a Christian is not an easy one. I have grappled with tough things, just in the last couple months. I was not convinced having open heart surgery, or even the pacemaker surgery, was the right decision. It would have been easy for me to say I was ready to go home. It would have been easy for me to give up this life, but I needed to lean upon my faith to justify staying here longer. I highlight this fight in the blog post, 

Why Do You Keep Fighting? 

In reality, I fight for those I care about. I fight to continue spreading the Gospel of Christ to as many people as I can. My faith, while strong, doesn’t mean I haven’t questioned my choices. It doesn’t mean I haven’t spoken to God about this, but in the end, I am still here, and I’m still leaning upon that faith, not of my own understanding. I don’t exactly know why God saved me, so all I have is my faith. I trust in the Lord, and I expect He will guide my path. He will walk with me, and if He chooses to reveal any details about why I’m still here, I’m sure He will. When I doubt, I know it’s the liar, the deceiver, whispering in my ear. I recognize his vial speech within my deep thoughts of denial, and strife. The power that raised Jesus is the same power that lives within me. The same faith that made David step out onto that battle field with a few smooth stones, the same faith that Gideon had when he fought the Midianites. The same faith Daniel had to pray openly, and face the lions. The same faith Peter felt when he stepped out of the boat in the storm. The same faith that Paul had that led him through various trials, but most important was the first choice to go from hunting Christians to being one of them. This is the faith that rests within me. 

I am not a perfect man, and my faith isn’t perfect. I am not a finished product, and in my weakness He is strong. I do however sin, and I must repent of those sins. I need to seek forgiveness when I do sin, and believe the blood of Christ will wash me clean. I do not mean to sin, my faith does not give me a free license to sin, but when I do, I know Jesus picks me up, puts me back together. See…. The truth is, when I am shattered, and I’m broken, and I know I have wronged a Holy God; when I am hurting, I do not want to be put back together the same. I want God to change me through these experiences. When I go through these things, I have faith that God is using it to bring me closer to Himself. I want my life to be sanctified in Christ, and therefore I do not want be the same today as I was yesterday. I pray to God that my yesterday is gone, and today is a new opportunity for me to get closer to Him. My faith has never come back empty. While I don’t always get what I want, I get from God exactly what I need. Faith in Christ is not a blind faith, and we see in scripture the truth, that this life will not be easy for a Christian. It is not meant for wealth, and fame, and peaceful living. The truth is, we are soldiers on the battlefield for Christ, and our faith is, we know we are fighting for good. Everything we experiences forges us into a stronger soldier. We can resist Satan because we have faith and trust in the one true King, Jesus Christ. Jesus gives us all we need, and in our faith in Him, we can rejoice when we are beaten, rejoice when we reach the mountain top, and rejoice when we are laid by the peaceful streams. Our faith tells us that the battle is won, and we can trust in Christ in all we do. My faith tells me that one day I will be called home, but till that day comes, my faith will remain true.

Let us not put our faith in the wrong places. Let us be careful and cautious with whom and what we place our faith. Let us not put faith in our heart, for it is deceitfully wicked. Let us not put our faith in idols, or even people. Let us test everything, and ensure it comes from the Lord. Have faith in Jesus. Let us go, and make disciples, showing them why our faith is true. Let our faith guide us to dig deep in scripture, learning, growing, and let our faith teach us how to fight for the truth. Let us understand apologetics (the defense of our faith), and be able to know scripture, to withstand the external scrutiny. Not everything you read on the internet is true. Not everything on Instagram or TikTok is true and accurate, and it’s yours and my job as a Christian to decern the truth. The only truth that matters is what’s in scripture. Hold fast to your faith, and don’t let the world deceive you. Go in the peace and love of Jesus Christ. 

For more content on faith you can read: 

Where is YOUR Faith?
Making the Leap of Faith
Build Your Faith on a Solid Foundation
Build Faithful Wealth
Leap of Faith
Simple Faith

For more content you can follow on YouTube: 

https://youtube.com/@thearrowpreacher6920?si=wvVC80iHWsSSkRY1

Currently going through the Gospel of John. 

If The War is Won, Why Do I Feel Like I’m Losing? 

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If The War is Won, Why Do I Feel Like I’m Losing? 

I am no stranger to defeat. I am no stranger to heart break. I am no stranger to physical pain. I am no stranger to major health problems. I am no stranger to hard feelings to express and share. I am no stranger to feeling beat down. I am no stranger to being lied too. I am no stranger to feeling guilty for just sharing my feelings. I am no stranger to the darkness, or loneliness. I am no stranger to the feelings of doubt. I am no stranger to the war, or the battles. 

But like the darkness rising again from the fires of mount doom, darkness threatens all of middle earth again. Over the last year the relationships in my life have gotten complicated, strained, and has left me broken hearted. I feel alone in the battle. When I stress how I feel the response is empty. When I express my concerns, or hard truths, I find myself in the midst of conversation by myself. It seems I walk this path alone. The moment the battle is tough, I look around to see those around me are gone. 

How does the messiah feel with his disciples fleeing for their own safety rather than follow Him to the cross? We know that Jesus knew everything. We know that He knows the hearts of those around Him. But when everyone who claimed they loved Him were gone, how does the Messiah feel? Alone, just His mother, Mary, and John. Does He feel betrayed? He went to the cross for the ungrateful. He went to the cross for the liars, and the broken promises. He went to cross for the murderers, and the cheaters. He went to the cross for the selfish. He went to the cross for me. He went to the cross for you. 

In this life I have often found myself facing the darkness without someone next to me to help me. I have often found myself alone, crying out to the Lord to not leave me. I have often said I’m not afraid of anything, but today I find myself realizing that’s not entirely accurate. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of the sin within. I’m afraid of the monster that wants out, that’s clawing at me to break free. I’m afraid of that monster busting through and showing the world the sinner within. The one thing I truly fight is the anger within. When outside forces push me, beat me, whip me, and the darkness rips and tears at my armor to get inside. When loved ones betray me, loved ones lie to me, loved ones abandon me, loved ones know the buttons to push, and push them, the monster breaks free. I’m afraid of myself because I know what I’m capable of. I’m afraid of myself because I know that while I usually have control over it, sometimes, it comes out to play, and when it does those around me see what I try so hard to conceal. God knows my monster, and has helped me keep the emotions in control, but sometimes my flesh is weak. They say that meekness is not weakness, but rather the strength to have power but to have it under control. After years of training and war, I was a changed man. I learned how to take that anger and direct it at my discipline and fierceness on the battlefield. In my civilian life, I put the monster away. But for a long time, it came out every argument, every disagreement, and I would yell and scream. Even if I was right, in the argument, I would get to the point where I’d yell and scream. Sometimes when I was younger, I’d punch and throw things in my anger. Today, that person is few and far between. Today it takes a lot to bring that monster out again. Today, the Lord has given me a spirit of calm, of control. But I am still a sinful fallen creature. While I am better today than I was yesterday, sometimes the monster within breaks through and wreaks havoc in my life. 

I feel like since heart surgery, the emotional part of me has not been comforted. I feel like, while my physical needs are being managed, my heart is being left alone. I cannot share my feelings, or my hardships without it being my fault. I cannot share, without major repercussions. It’s a lonely road, and how I feel doesn’t matter. 

Dax speaks the truth in his Song “To be a Man”

Yeah, I know this life can really beat you down, uh

You wanna scream but you won’t make a sound, uh

Got so much weight that you’ve been holdin’

But won’t show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken

That we can’t cry when life gets hard

Unconditional love for women, children and dogs

We know that we just have to play our parts

And don’t nobody give a damn about our broken hearts, yeah

As a man, we gotta pave our way

Our only function is to work and slave

There’s no respect for you if you ain’t paid

You’re disregarded as a human and you can’t complain

And if you ever make it up and actually reach that place

And find a woman that you love and give her your last name

You’ll feel the things that you provide is only why she stays

And when you try to explain, you’ll say

I can’t hide myself

I don’t expect you to understand

I just hope I can explain

What it’s like to be a man (what it’s like to be a man)

It’s a lonely road (it’s a lonely road)

And they don’t care ’bout what you know (care ’bout what you know)

It’s not ’bout how you feel

But what you provide inside that home

Don’t give up, keep fightin’

As a man, our son is our horizon

And our fathers’ actions play a role and we end up like him

So they can’t let us see them hurt

‘Cause we’ll embody what we do and start a generational curse

No wonder most men are so depressed

All the things that they can’t express

They go to war, get thrown on the shelf

Then go back to war with they mental health

Then grab that bottle and ask for help

Try to pull themselves out of hell

Then fall back down and then realize

That they gon’ have to do it themselves

It’s the circle of life, as a man, you provide

They don’t know what you’re worth ’til the day that you die

And that’s when they start cryin’

Then move on to a man to confide in

That’s why we feel

**

They don’t care what you feel. To be a man it seems today you have to hide it. Today you can’t share the hardships inside without them turning on you, and not showing you support or love, or empathy, or even some sympathy. 

Life is hard and it beats you down. Life isn’t fair, and in our struggles as a man, sometimes our walk is just You and Christ. Sometimes this world turns it’s back on good men, and all we can do in our brokenness, and loneliness is to turn to our Abba Father. Since no one, it seems cares about our broken hearts, we can only turn to our God. When I need to explain how I feel, and it falls upon deaf ears in this life, I turn to my Abba Father, and He understands my pain. My God tells me to don’t give up, and to keep fighting. My Abba Father tells me to put on that amor and stand tall. My Abba Father, tells me to look behind and I see my Savior Jesus in the midst of the battle with me. I look around and see the legion of Angels the Lord has sent to comfort me. I look around and see the demons fleeing before a mighty and Holy Jesus. How I feel may be broken, and sometimes I feel alone, but Jesus tells me not to listen to the lies of the Devil. The voice of truth tells me to get up. The voice of truth tells me I have been given a spirit of courage, not of fear. The voice of truth tells me to tighten that armor and continue to resist Satan and his lies. The voice of truth tells me I am a child of God. The voice of truth tells me not to be afraid. The voice of truth says to keep sharing the Gospel of Jesus. The voice of truth tells me to keep living for Him, the Holy one, the one worthy to open the seals. The voice of truth says a legion of angels is ready to fight for me. The voice of truth says I am not alone. I’m not alone in this fight and I never will be. People may fail me, family may forsake me. But my Lord will never leave me nor forsake me, for it is written Matthew 28:19-20 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” 

Jesus told us He will be with us. The Holy Spirit sent to guide us, comfort us, protect us, chastens us, corrects us, heals us. It may be dark, but Jesus is the healer of brokenness. For it is in my brokenness that God’s strength will shine through me. I am a cup hoping the Lord will fill us up. Jesus is who He said He was, and it is our faith that heals us in Christ. My hurting heart, my broken heart, cries out for my Lord and Savior, to come comfort me. To show me the way, and to hold me in His hands. My body is broken, and battered, I am here on the ground, praying for your guidance, your love, your mercy, your peace, your forgiveness, and your holiness. Jesus please walk with me, walk beside me and lift me when I fall. As I sink beneath these ways, please sanctify me, and please lift me up and put me on dry land. For your glory, for your will, will be done. God, you will never leave me nor forsake me, and I am grateful. Jesus, I’ll follow you till the end, till my last breath, I’ll walk this path you have me on. You’re close to the broken hearted, and you’ll make me new. I’ll follow you till the end. Your glory, and will. 

For More Follow and Watch

https://youtube.com/@thearrowpreacher6920?si=wvVC80iHWsSSkRY1

Why Do You Keep Fighting? 

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Why Do You Keep Fighting? 

“Matrix Revolutions”

Agent Smith: Why Mr Anderson, Why, Why, Why do you do it? Why, why get up? Why keep fighting? You believe your fighting for something, for more than your survival, can you tell me what it is, do you even know? Is it freedom or truth, perhaps peace, could it be for love? Illusions Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception, temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them is as artificial as the Matrix itself. Although, only a human mind could invent something as incipit as love. You must be able to see it Mr Anderson, you must know it by know, you can’t win, it’s pointless to keep fighting. WHY MR ANDERSON, WHY DO YOU PERSIST?” 

Neo: Because I choose too. 

“Pilgrims Progress”

As Christian journeys to the beautiful Celestial City, he first must pass through the valley of humiliation. There he meets the evil prince Apollyon. He said “I have given him my faith, and sworn my allegiance to him; how then can I go back from this, and not be hanged as a traitor?” 

After a long battle, Apollyon delivered a near fatal blow to Christian. There, Christian lay beaten to the ground. As Apollyon was about to deliver the final, fatal blow, “Christian nimbly reached out his hand for his sword, and caught it saying “Rejoice not against me, O mind enemy; when I fall, I shall arise” (Micah 7:8) 

In these two stories, an over arching question is raised. In the Matrix, it’s why do you fight. In Pilgrims Progress, its why do you give your loyalty to the King of the celestial city? Much like the two questions raised, we also face this exact question in our own life. After becoming a Christian, it’s one of the first things you are met with, an onslaught of attacks from a cunning, and powerful enemy. In my life, I have often found myself beaten to the ground like Christian was in his fight against Satan/Apollyon. It’s in this moment, I often think of Satan asking me that very question, “Why Jacob, why do you persist?!” That’s the question we must all answer in our long fight in this war. When times are hard, and we’ve been beaten to the ground by illness, addiction, sinful pleasures, or just life’s hardships, life can be pretty hard on us sometimes. Some, obviously more than others, but the reality is, all who chose to pick up their cross and follow Christ, will find themselves as soldiers in this war. The phrase used commonly in todays military, attributed to General William Sherman of the American Civil War, “War is hell.” Having been to war, I whole heartedly agree. 

As I wrote recently, “One day I will be recalled from this duty station. One day, the Lord will say my watch is over. One day Jesus will tell me, well done soldier, now rest. One day I will take up residence where I truly belong. One day, I will see what I’ve been fighting for this whole time. I long for that day, but for now, I will serve God faithfully here.” (The Week My Heart Stop, By The Arrow Preacher, https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/07/the-week-my-heart-stopped/) I fight because of love. I fight because Jesus loved me enough to die for me on the cross. I endure hardships because Christ endured hardships. I take the beating because the Apostles, like Christ, took the beatings. I fight the war, because Paul said “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Eph 6:11-12) We were given a promise that at the end of our fight we would be given a crown, but we fight not for a crown, or a mansion in Heaven, we fight because it’s the right thing to do. We fight because the powers of darkness spread like that of Mordor upon Middle Earth. We fight because we have loved ones in harms way. We fight because we do not wish to see those whom we love perish to the darkness of the pit, where fire and brimstone reign, where no water exists to quench the thirst, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. We fight for love, and this love is eternal. We fight because we love, because Jesus first loved us. Poor Christian was beaten down to the ground, about to be ended with one final blow, but it was in his darkest hour the miracle occurred. That sword ended up in his hand, between his fingers, and he plunged the blade into the beasts belly, forcing the foul creature to flee. Christian, even though he fought the devil and nearly lost, he was victorious, by the power of Christ in him. We too have that same power flowing through us, and to quote the genie from ‘Aladdin’, “You’ve got some power in your corner now.” (Aladdin, 1992) When we are surrendered to Christ, and allow the Holy Spirit to dwell within us, the true nature of “I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13. This doesn’t mean you can score 100 points in a basketball game, or catch the winning touchdown throw with zero left on the clock. Sadly this verse is the most taken out of context verses in all of scripture. When you are Joshua storming the gates of Jerico and the odds are against you, it’s the Lords strength and decree that win the day. When you are Gideon and you face an army far larger than yourself, and God said to go, in Him all things are possible. When the Lord tells you to do something, it’s then you are given the strength to endure and accomplish what the Lord sent you to do. I fight not of my own strength, but of the Lords. I endure not of myself, but because the Lord has permitted me to endure. If it were left in my hands, I would fall, and not get back up. If it were left in my own hands, I would fail. 

Life is one of hardships, but for a baby Christian it can be confusing. A baby Christian is someone who is either new to the faith, or someone who’s been stagnant in their growth of the faith and are stuck at the baby phase. The baby Christian knows very little scripture. They do not have a strong relationship with God, and can easily be swayed by the word, and heretics preaching false gospel. These babies, often experience attacks early in their faith, and much like Christian’s friend in ‘Pilgrims Progress’, Pliable leaves Christian, abandons the path just as soon as he stepped onto it, at the first sign of trouble. Sadly in my own walk as a Christian, I have known many like Pliable, where they do not make up their mind, and at the first sign of difficulty, they abandon their walk with Christ. Largely the question comes up, “why would a loving God create so much darkness?” “Why would a loving God force me to go through so much hardship?” To that question, I answer this, God allows us to go through hardships because we don’t know what’s truly ‘good, or bad’. Anything that we believe changes our own plans, or makes us uncomfortable is considered bad. James writes, James 1:2-8 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.” The Author of James, the half brother of Jesus, understood hardships. When he was writing the book of James, Christians were already being persecuted, and murdered. He writes this knowing that when he says trials, what he’s really saying here is when our friends are murdered, and you become persecuted also, count it joy to die for Christ. How can someone so calmly say, it’s alright to die for a belief. Why do you still fight? Why did the Apostles continue to preach day after day, and endure the beatings, endure the prison, and eventually endure the death that befell nearly all of them? They believed because of what they had seen and witnessed. It’s this witness that leaves me to the why. Why do I, personally, as the Arrow Preacher, why do I fight? 

Early in my life I found myself different from those around me. I found myself struggling with being an outsider, and being different from my friends. Early on in my life I heard the call from Jesus, though I wouldn’t fully understand till I was older. The hardships I endured, and even the betrayals I endured early in my life set me on a path, and shaped my personality. Before I went to basic training I had many tell me, I wouldn’t make it through training, I would fail. The last day of our training we endured a 20+ K ruck march, where we endured both hills named “Heartbreak” and “Misery”, which are both perfectly named. This march would be conducted with our 60-80 pound rucksack on our backs, along with our helmets, and rifles. We would endure venturing into this march, incredibly sleep, and rest deprived. At the time of basic training I was a mere 120 pound tiny fella. I struggled from around half way, till the end. A soldier had fallen to the rear of the formation, struggling with an Achilles injury. I chose to make sure he didn’t march alone. I fell back to ensure he wouldn’t quit. If I wasn’t going to quit, I didn’t want him to quit either. We marched together, both struggling, both falling further behind, and in danger of the drill sergeant calling it, forcing us into the truck. We endured the pain, and continued to march ahead. It was in that moment, when I felt like my hope was lost, we turned a corner, and there two football fields away, I saw it, I saw our barracks. The end was so close, and I couldn’t contain my joy. Tears fell from my eyes, as I knew that while so many had quit, so many were forced by injury onto the trucks, I had endured, I had defied the odds, and I had proven to both myself, and others, that I had what it took to serve as a Cavalry Scout in the United States Army. It’s that same strength and determination that allows me today, to continue to defy the devil when he asks me, “Why do you persist?!” I persist because I choose to. I persist because I have faith. I persist because I love Jesus, and those around me, and the fight is worth it. When I look around, and much like the Matrix, I see people all around me who are still plugged into to the system of this world, it breaks my heart. When I see people who have turned from Jesus, or have rejected Him outright, I hurt in the knowledge they may forever face damnation. I fight for them. I fight so I may share the love of Christ, as He commanded me to, to make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them. I fight because I know that somehow, or some way, Jesus will use what I have gone through in my life as a part of my testimony. I know that God waist’s nothing, and He will use what I have gone through later on down the road. Or, what I have endured, is the forging process, to heat me, to make be shapable, to then allow the world to heat me, but always being the master forge, He pounds me into a beautifully crafted, battle ready, and battle hardened sword. Out of hardships the armor is born, at least for me. All the hardships I endured have culminated in who I am, a man seeking after God, knowing I am not alone in this fight. But, I am ready to fight. 

Part II The Journey

Years ago, when I was a child, I faced intense bullying. This was not just verbal, but I was battered on a regular basis. I received swirleys; I had my shoes thrown into urinal stalls, while they were being used; I was beat up in the halls; hit in the back of the head on the bus; tripped as I walked down the halls; my clothes stolen in the locker room; I was targeted in gym, and worse I was targeted for thieving, such one time I was walking home from the bus stop when someone came up behind me and grabbed the gold chain I was wearing, breaking it but stealing it. When I turned around to confront my assailant, I was met with a fist to the side of my head, instantly knocking me to the ground, my ears ringing, and my eyes immediately blurred. Another time I was battered because someone didn’t understand my meaning of something I said. I was beaten badly, punch after punch to my head and face. I didn’t fight back. The worst part was after my mother’s attempted suicide, which I was present for, having saved her life from bleeding to death. From that day forth, people would say stuff like, ‘you’re so worthless even your mother had to try and kill herself to get away from you.’ This went on for years of my young life. I had often attempted to avoid school so I wouldn’t be subjected to this torture. I would avoid the bus so I wouldn’t be beat up. Sadly, in those days we didn’t have noise canceling headphones to just ignore them. 

Then, there was home. At home, my mother’s ex-boyfriend was a hoarder of car parts and tools. In the home we had boxes from floor to ceiling, only carving small pathways to places like rooms, the couch, but every nook and cranny, every bit of floor space was covered with boxes. The only refuge I had was my own room. But, with it being a trailer, the walls were thin, so when mom and her boyfriend argued I would hear them. Mom would often come to my room crying, waking me up, even if it was late on a school night. 

The first time I moved out I was 10 years old. I moved for a summer, and by the end of summer, I was given the option for the family I was with to formally adopt me. In my mind, I couldn’t bring that pain to mom, and I knew that me being away for the summer would have given mom time to change. But, as I would find out as time went on, and one move after another, she didn’t change. When I moved to Massachusetts from Michigan for another summer, with the intent to stay and go to school there, my return home didn’t change anything. This went on for six different moves, and each ended the same way. It wasn’t till my 15th birthday that I finally decided enough was enough. Within a year, I was given the opportunity to in essence be emancipated, and choose the guardian I wished to stay with. I would move in with my grandfather, and that’s when life began to change for me. 

My trauma would follow me however, and it always created doubt in myself, a poor image of myself, and fear of losing the people I cared for. The first woman I loved; I would have done anything for her. Even after we broke up, I bought her a car, and helped her anytime I could. In that time I couldn’t imagine life without her. I went to war and again, broken up, she was the person I was fighting for, fighting to return home. 

War trauma is a very real, and difficult thing to overcome. During my time in Ramadi, Iraq, I faced battle. I would experience my first miracle during a well-organized ambush, designed to kill Americans. This miracle, had several little miracles, one after another, as we beat the odds, 100:2. A hundred or more insurgents against two Humvees. As Winstin said from John Wick, “Fourteen-million-dollar bounty on his head, and every interested party in this city wants a piece of it, I’d say the odds were about even.” In a way, this was the ambush we experienced. We survived several RPG’s, small arms fire, IED’s, a failure in the main gun on the truck, a loss of communication with our partner truck, three blown out tires, a loss of combustion in the truck leaving it to limp out of the combat zone at a whopping five miles per hour. It truly was a miracle we survived. We also lost friends, several from outside the platoon would not make it home, but also from within our platoon. We experienced a traumatic loss as a truck would be destroyed, killing all four people on board. I was there that day, and witnessed the horror of what an explosive device can do to the human body. I will spare you the blood and gore, but it’s severe. 

Having survived two very nasty divorces, even finding myself in jail twice, because of them, not for anything violent, but regardless, having lived my life as much like Captain America, like a boy scout, as I could, being placed in handcuffs, being booked and charged with a crime, was extraordinarily painful, and traumatic. Thankfully those charges never stuck, and I became a free man. 

My own trauma, where I put a 9mm hallow point through my left shoulder, and nearly dying, left me with enough trauma for three lifetimes. Nearly dying will always have an effect on you. My own experience hearing the voice of God, would forever shape my future. One week prior to the gunshot wound I realized I was going about life the wrong way. I realized that I believed in Jesus as my savior, but I had not surrendered to Him as Lord. It was this realization that brought me to my knees in repentance. Just because you surrender to Christ doesn’t mean life will go the way you think it should. While I am not harboring ill will towards anyone, I believe now, that divorce was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. I don’t believe that we would have made a good couple for my role in ministry. God indeed works in mysterious ways. 

In recent days, as some of you already know, I had a series of miracles in my life, from finding the damage to my aorta in the most unusual way, requiring immediate medical intervention to save my life, to the failure in my heart, necessitating a pacemaker be installed. Even after that, random pain in my left lower back, led me to believe I had a kidney stone. Upon scans, there was no stone, and the next day I felt fine, but the scan revealed fluid around my heart. After a more direct scan they found the fluid was affecting my heart’s ability to pump. This prompted an immediate intervention, which had me admitted to the hospital. In total nearly 400 ML of blood were removed. For perspective the amount pulled out of my heart was nearly as much as one would give, when they give blood. For more information on my heart surgery recovery, please read “The Week My Heart Stopped” https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/07/the-week-my-heart-stopped/ and “One Month Later” https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/22/one-month-later/

Living in a tent under these conditions provides many challenges. Even recently, a strong wind storm came to town, and continued time after time, to pull the chimney free from its elbow connection. With a limited amount of both mobility and strength, to fix any problems that come, would add extreme tasks. The same day, the elastic guideline connection came untied. It took me 20 minutes, in the rain, to figure out how the knot was tied. It took a great deal of effort and strength to complete the mission. While technically living in a tent is choice, it’s the better of two choices. Once again I find myself in the midst of challenges, I do not have the ability to fix. Every day is a challenge, one I feel unprepared to handle. I know that one battle we must face is that of patience. We often want things our way, in our timeline. The greatest display of patience or rather, lack thereof, is in scripture is that of Abraham and his handmaiden giving birth to Ishamael. Sarah and Abram at the time lost sight of God’s plan, and did not wait for the Lord. They took matters into their own hands, and thus disobeying God. We should take this as our cautionary tale about what happens when we become impatient and try to fix a problem in our own way and time. God’s ways are above our ways, His timing is not our timing. Fighting the urge to go out on our own, is the sin flesh nature that highlights our pride. Often times, pride is a battle all on its own. Pride pulls us as sin pulls us. We don’t always fight large problems, sometimes in our life we fight our feelings. We fight depression, we fight anxiety, we fight doubts, we fight the sins that make us feel good, and temporarily satisfied. One more level of the battlefield that makes the war a complicated one. 

The point is, we all have trials, we have traumas, we have hardships, and heartaches, but it’s these things in our life that truly do mold and shape us. They shape us, but it’s what we do with them that define us. What does your character look like? Do these things make you bitter? Do these things make you cold? Do these things make you angry? How is it we are to take these things and have joy in our heart? Jesus tells us to take heart because He overcame the world. And He is with us till the end of the age. We have joy that cannot be taken, no matter what happens because we have faith in Christ, and this life, this world is temporary. How to overcome these things is simple, we place them at the foot of the cross, and we never pick them up again. We let go of the baggage that holds us back. As I have often used a rucksack as my example. When you’re walking up a hill, you take with only what you need. Much like the sword of Griffendor, it takes in only what makes it stronger. We must take in only what makes us stronger, and anything that is weighing us down, doubt, fear, regret, sorrow, anxiety, we set these down, and continue the fight. We cannot win the war if we have carried so much we are over encumbered. 

I have experienced so much, and the work it has taken to get to where I am, is not of my own power, but rather the changing power of the Holy Spirit in me. I am nothing, a dead man, without the Spirit in my heart. My works are nothing, they are but filthy rags before the Lord. Works without faith are nothing, and faith without works are nothing. It is our faith, that produces the works. We are never saved by our works, but our repentance of our sins, and our faith in Jesus Christ as He is the way the truth and the life. He is the only way to the father, and no one, not one person gets to the father except through Christ. Jesus told us the path to destruction is wide, but the path to glory is a narrow one, and few will follow it. I fight for the truth. There is but one truth, and that’s God’s truth. Nothing begets nothing. Intelligent design points to an intelligent designer. Life does not come from nothing. I fight for the truth because I believe people don’t willingly die for a lie. I fight for the truth because I know the apostles wrote the truth, they described themselves as cowards. They described themselves as afraid during the crucifixion of their supposed Lord. The moment they saw their Lord risen from the dead they became bold, so bold that they withstood great pressure from Rome, and the Jews, that they went to their deaths in horrible ways. No one goes to their death for something they know to be a lie. People don’t give up power, wealth and prestige, but a ranking member of the Sanhedrin, “Paul”, gave up everything to follow Christ, even after he persecuted them, and sent them to their deaths. I fight for truth because I believe scripture to be true. 

What do you fight for? Why do you fight? What are you willing to do, or how far are you willing to go? I have found it’s easy to die, it’s a hard thing to live, and continue to fight the good fight. For whatever reason, after all my near-death circumstances, the Lord wants me on this earth. I will obey my Lord, and I will fight. I will fight till I draw no more breaths. I will fight injustice; I will fight against wrong. I will fight to keep my family safe. I will fight to preach and teach the truth to all who will listen. I fight because I love. I love my family, and I love my enemies. I wish for no one to perish, and the time we have is precious. What we do with it, is important. Do we maximize our efforts to share the name of Jesus to all, or do we squander it? Do we fight to look like Christ daily, fighting our sin nature? Living amongst the world as a non-believer is easy. Living among those who hate you, and want you to not be a part of their society is hard. Fighting for the Love of Christ is hard. Picking up your cross out of love and carrying it, dying to yourself, dying to society, and walking a very different path than your neighbors is tough, perhaps the toughest thing you will ever do. But the rewards for doing so, are beyond our earthly comprehension. The gift to spend eternity with our Lord and Savior, is the greatest gift we could ever receive. The most significant miracle I’ve ever experienced is the Lord changing my heart. I went from being apathetic to the word of God, to all in. The moment I heard the Lord’s voice, and life was breathed back into my dying chest, was like God imprinted something on my heart and mind. A purpose, a guiding star to place my compass and embark on the hardest journey of my life. I fight because the Lord asked me to fight. Am I a threat to Satan and his kingdom? I do believe so, and thus why I have experienced such hardships in the recent years. I am sharing the gospel when I am able, I write, I do my podcast on YouTube, and I preach and teach to anyone who will listen. I am unshaken, I am unbreakable, I am forged in the fires of this world, and I will fight till my last breath, because I love the Lord, and I love the people of this fallen, sick world. I fight because I love what the Lord loves, and I fight to serve. The Lord saved me by giving me a new heart valve, and a pacemaker to run my heart. I survived open heart surgery; I survived my heart stopping, and beating again. I survived blood crushing down upon my heart, and I will continue to survive whatever the world sends at me, till the day, the Lord recalls me. I will fight the good fight till Jesus calls me home and says well done. Will you fight with me? Will you be zealous for the word of God? Will you choose to follow Christ? Let us fight this war together. Let us never quit, and never surrender. Let us fight in love because we choose too.