Tag: struggles

Heartbreak and Sadness? 

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Heartbreak and Sadness? 

With recent events affecting my recovery, I have been inundated with emotions. We think I may have something called Diaphragmatic stimulation. This could be caused by one of the leads for my pacemaker. It not only causes spasms of the diaphragm, but breathing issues, and the spams cause pain in my ribs. It’s quite painful. On top of that, after a 15 hour stay in the emergency department, three days later, and I am sick. Coincidence? I think not. Now, I can add coughing to the list of things causing me distress. However, while this is part of the emotions I’m feeling at the moment, there is something else, siblings. I have recently found one of the two of my siblings, and have attempted to open a dialog with them. Not everyone communicates as I do, and I often have unrealistic expectations of people. This, has led me to having feelings, that I really cannot verify as realistic, or based on facts. During DBT one of the things that kept with me was the ‘Check the Facts’ sheet. We had to match our feelings to facts. And if they were facts, do the level of feelings, match the situation. While, in part the feelings I have right now are legit, the question is what is the cause? Obviously, the cause of my feelings is the lack of reciprocal conversation, but realistically, what is causing the lack of reciprocal conversation? That’s the point where my investigation ends. In my mind, I have been distressed that this is being caused because they don’t care. They want nothing to do with me. Why hasn’t my sister reached out? Does she not want to talk? Why doesn’t she want to talk? Things aren’t always as they appear to be. 

One of the things I have struggled with in my life is trusting in God’s timing. When I was younger, I struggled with relationships. I was kind of the ugly duckling, except I stayed the ugly duckling. In middle school while people where pairing off and I developed my first crush, she was the beauty of the school. I fell ‘in love’ with her. It was a crush, a heavy heartfelt crush, but still a crush. She however wanted nothing to do with me. How could anyone care for someone who looked like me. I was a nerd also, I was never going to find anyone. Then, when I did, it took me moving to a new school, three hours away. There, my relationship life flourished. I did date, and I did fall in love, the real kind of love where it was reciprocated. But, there were times when I didn’t wait for God, and I made my own choices, which eventually led to destruction, and despair. I once again experienced these feelings in Korea, when I couldn’t hardly get a woman to talk to me, let alone go on a date. I felt discouraged. Eventually things would turn around, but as one relationship ended after another, me being the one getting dumped, I had a realization… I was the common denominator. I would rush to get married to a woman who was in reality, broken. We had a great relationship for a little while, till we moved to Germany. Then slowly but surely that relationship turned sour, and she’d have an affair. Then a few years later I’d get married again, and that one lasted seven years, before, she’d have an affair also. The second one I held on to for a long time. I wasn’t going to go through divorce again. I was left a broken man, so much so, it put me in the hospital. I was impatient, and it showed in the types of relationships I got into. I have often had a problem where I don’t wait for God to give me the green light on something, or I want God to move faster. 

Psalm 13:1 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

I have used this verse a few times in recent weeks to highlight the normal reaction to call out to God, but specifically, the ‘how long’.  We often want God to move today. Israel waiting 400 years before God broke the silence. Could you imagine going 400 years without hearing from God? We often don’t want to wait a few weeks, or even a couple years, but 400? While I’ve been waiting for my brother to reach out, and I’ve been littered with thoughts, I can only guess, that Satan is the one whispering in my ears. The helmet while it may protect my mind from many things, the Devil is cunning. The truth is, I don’t know much about my brother, and I cannot say if he’s willfully ignoring me, or if it’s something else. The Devil would have me believe he’s ignoring me, but is that because in time, I may be able to share God’s word with him? Or, in reality, the Devil is my enemy, and I fight with him on a daily basis. I don’t know who wrote it, some have claimed C.S. Lewis, but regardless this quote has stuck with me, “My prayer is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.” Obviously there is some theological questions here, such as does hell rejoice, but the point of the quote to me, is that when I die the demons and Satan will be glad I am no longer here on this battlefield. I need to take a moment to pray though, and not come to snap conclusions in which I have no evidence to support it. 

We cannot always know what God’s plan is, or how something fits into the grand scheme of things. We cannot know what someone is thinking all the time, especially when you don’t know them. You don’t know what someone is going through, unless they’ve told you. There’s a common phrase going around, ‘everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Many people fight, and keep it to themselves. It’s important to not see yourself on an island. If you put yourself on an island, you are essentially putting yourself in your own version of purgatory. In 2017 I wrote this, and oddly enough, it’s just as valid today, as it was them. 

Lian Yu (Purgatory)

We must not get stuck in our feelings, and one thing I have noticed about myself recently, is that I am using compartmentalization again in my life. Thankfully, this time around, I know that my trauma, or hardships cannot stay in that box for long. It’s important that we seek God and trust in His power and sovereignty to see us through hardships. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.” This isn’t an easy thing, and takes a lot of effort and practice, but I assure you, the more you dive into scripture, and the more you get closer to God, the easier troubled waters become to navigate. We must take time and just like practicing a sport, we must put effort into growing closer to God. IF we do not seek Him, then how do we get to know Him? If we do not study and grow within His Holy Bible, then how do we know what’s right or wrong for our lives? We must not make assumptions about God, just as we must not make assumptions about people. Grow in the Lord and bury His word to the roots of your heart, so it would spring forth a beautiful tree of God’s attributes. Let your faith produce good works, and let your love in God produce beautiful faith. Go in peace, and in love, and face those demons with the Lords word as your shield, and as your two edged sword, cutting deep like a scalpel. Let the Lords will be done in your life, seek patience in your ways, your path, and your thoughts. Be calm and give the benefit of the doubt where you can. 


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New Battle Grounds 

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New Battle Grounds 

Sometimes in our life, things happen that move us from one place to another. In ancient days, Jesus, was moved for His safety from Nazareth, to Egypt. Today, in my life, I moved from one place, rural, to the urban city. Personally, I’m not a city boy, so living in the city, is always a challenge for me. Moving into the city has stressed and challenged my personal life like little has in a long time. Not only has my life turned upside down, heart surgery, moving, now, I have new relationships, which challenge my emotions. My battle zone has changed, and now, I find myself learning to fight in a far distant land. 

The Apostles, after the day of Pentecost, began to spread themselves to share the gospel. They left the comfort of their homes, and found themselves in hostile territory. Missionaries of today are the most like the Apostles of old. Even though we don’t always pick up our stuff and carry on wherever we need to go for God, we are called wherever we go, to share the gospel. The life of those who are followers of Christ, will find themselves in battles, and those battles will vary in difficulty. Recently the battles I’ve faced have been different than anything I’ve faced in the past. All the experience of the past however, the good and the bad, have prepared me for such battles. 

How can we know we are ready for the battles to come? The answer is fairly simple, but difficult to master. We must study. We must spend time in the word of God, and in that word, we must understand the message being delivered to us. Reading scripture is fine, but if we don’t take the time to truly dive in, seek the meaning behind the words, the language, and the people it was written to, we often miss the nuances of scripture. How scripture builds upon what was written, how the past points to the future, and the future points backwards to the past, and the sheer number of seamless cross references shows us the impossibility that scripture was simply man-made. Knowing and growing in the word of God, allowing those words to seep into our hearts, and most importantly, not letting the words get stuck in our minds, but rather, allowing the words to penetrate into our hearts, and changing who we are. If we read scripture and it doesn’t change us, we are essentially no different than the demons of the enemy’s army. The demons know scripture, and we cannot just know it, but we must live it. 

I have found my patience being tested and having major revelations coming to my attention, I am dealing with a major change, a change in the dynamic of my family. How does one deal with discovering truth, which is opposed to the truth of an entire life? When new truths become evident, and one is left to deal with the emotions of it, and we have to face those truths, it can be a challenge. I have found it difficult to put into words the emotions I have felt. How am I supposed to feel? What are the normal feelings for this kind of situation? I have been seeking God for answers and asking for prayers to find the answers I seek. My world has changed, forever changed, and a title I have had my whole life, something I felt was part of my identity, is no longer true, and now I must face the truth, learn about my new family, and discover a new dynamic. God does nothing by mistake, and it is my responsibility to wear the name of Christ, to be the ambassador, marching into this situation, wearing the full Armor of God, and above all standing against the prince of the air, the ruler of this world. Even though I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I must endure, I must try my hardest to be the example, and point those whom I encounter to a very real Christ. Jesus is not just a story in some ancient book, but the son of God who rose from the dead, overcame death, and with that same resurrection power, those who believe in him, obey him, seek him, acknowledge their own sinful nature, turn from that sin, and see Christ as the only way to the father, the forgiver of sins, the blood spilt for us, so it would bridge the chasm between us and Heaven. We must believe and spend our days serving the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords. No matter the storm I find myself in, Jesus is the captain of my ship, and I shall always keep Him at the helm, and I will go where He takes me. I will fight the good fight, and continue to hold the line. I may be in the storm by Jesus my Lord is with me. I may be in the fire, but Jesus my King is with me. I will never face my trials alone, for my Savior is with me. Forever, till the end of the age. 

As my battlefield has changed recently, the battle remains the same. As a Christian, we fight against power well beyond our weight category. Ephesians 6:12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” When we consider any sport that involves fighting, we should look at the weight class, and on our own, we are outclassed every time. We cannot stand against demons who are bred, created for war and service. We don’t have all the information on angels and demons, simply because God didn’t give us that much information. We know that there are angels, like Michael that can fight. An angel can stand toe to toe with a demon because a demon is a corrupted angel. We are a human, what chance do we have? We have the armor of God. The armor gives us the protection we need against demons. Another thing we have on our side, is the word of God. In fact, I would suggest, the word of God is the most effective thing we have. Demons tremble at the voice of Christ, and while we don’t have His voice, we have his words. When we are in scripture, and we are seeking God, we learn about our armor, we learn about how to protect our minds, our hearts, and learn how to walk with Christ using the sandals of the gospel of peace. We hone our armor, and our skills, by reading and growing in scripture. 

As my battlefield has changed, and I’m having surprises come into my life I could have never expected, it’s tested my emotions. I have found myself questioning myself, wondering if my continued rocky path, isn’t of my own making. I have questioned if I was worth anything, and if I was worth saving. In reality, this is spiritual warfare, but nevertheless, it’s the emotions and feelings I’ve been having. I’ve experienced major changes in my life over the last 3 months, and those changes often play with your emotions. Very little of what I’ve wanted to do has worked out the way it was supposed to. Even the simple things, that were given thought, haven’t worked out. Changes to my family have left me facing some long past hurts. Changes to my living space, has left me frustrated, and trying to find peace. Peace in my years, is all I’ve been seeking. While I realize I would have no peace in this world as long as I was a soldier for Christ, I long for peace in my home. The psalm of David rings in my ears, 

Psalm 13 How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

4 And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

6 I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

I ask the same question today. My enemy is not a man, or men, but rather the demons that seek to destroy me, and who I am. How long oh Lord, how long? With my physical pain keeping me from doing basic things, to the family, to the living space, I am met with much in the way of fodder for the devil to use. There are many areas right now under construction for him, the father of lies to use against me. The battle is being waged, and my prayers mirror the prayers of David. I will fight, and continue to fight the good fight. I will continue to serve, and be of service. I am the Lords, and I will do what I must to keep moving forward, relying not upon my own strength, but the strength of God within me. I do not fight the demons alone, for God is on my side. I know, either in this life or the next, Jesus is victorious. 

Today, March 4th, 2025, I remember my fallen brothers. 20 years today, they fell in battle. While on mission in Ar-Ramadi, the explosion ripped through the truck, almost everyone was dead in an instant. One survived, but would die of his injuries shortly after. 20 years, has gone in the blink of an eye. We survive on, keeping their memory alive. Our battlefield has changed, but we still fight. Each of us fight in our own way now, 20 years and some of us are still close. It’s hard to believe it’s been 20 years, but here we are. This time 20 years ago, I was reeling from the explosion, and the horrific aftermath. The things I would see that day would haunt my eyes, and mind to this very day. You can take the man away from the battle, but the battle will always live inside the man. The battle continues, but let us remember the fallen today. Let us remember their lives, and their sacrifice. 

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Free Your Mind 

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Free Your Mind 

I can remember the day, September 11th 2006, one week before I put a 9mm hallow-point through my shoulder. I had just learned about my wife’s affair, and I was a devastated mess. My mind raced, and I was far from free. My mind was becoming a prison, one that would take a long time to be free from. It took years for me to be able to sit in a quiet car without worrying about my mind racing, full of negative thoughts. The day you surrender your life to Christ isn’t a magic wand that makes everything else fade away. Just because you give your life to Christ, the healing process of past hurts, still takes time. For me, the day I gave my life to Christ, was the most freeing moment of my life. I grew up in the Catholic Church, and knew Jesus, and assumed I had a relationship with Him because I had gone to church growing up. I assumed because I had gone through the sacraments, first communion, baptism, confirmation, confession, that I would be allowed into Heaven. It was not till I was older that I realized, the demons know Jesus also. Knowing Jesus does not mean you have a relationship with Him. Even scripture tells us this, 

Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’

— Matthew 7:22-23

There are those who follow Jesus because they believe it will make their life better, such as the prosperity gospel. Jesus wants you to live your best life now. If you follow Jesus because you believe, He will grant you the desires of your wicked, selfish heart, then you may be a believer of the prosperity gospel, but that is not the gospel of scripture. I realized later in my life that it wasn’t about what Jesus could do for me in this life. Jesus already did the most important thing in my life, one, sacrificed Himself for me, and the second changed my heart from a heart of stone, to flesh. I’ve found many people follow Christ not because they truly believe in His teachings, but rather the fire insurance. In reality to be a follower of Jesus, we must seek Jesus, and the gift of Heaven is secondary, an added bonus if you will. Many want the gift of Heaven; they just don’t want God to be there. It’s the surrender part that really gets most people, and stops them from being a true follower of Christ. People enjoy the savior part, but are put off by the Lord part. We cannot have salvation without both. We cannot have Heaven without God. We, as a fallen sinful race, have trouble letting go. We want to be plugged into the system of this world, because we love it. We love the freedom to sin, to do whatever we want. We love the pleasures of this world, the money, wealth, and power we may get to have here in this life. Sadly, as a whole, people tend to think this life is all about the money, and stuff, power, prestige, etc. When we follow Jesus, we have to give up much of our old lives, and we have to obey His commands, because if we love Jesus, then we are to love His commands as well. Jesus tells us in Luke 9:23-25 “And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself?”

To live for Christ is to die to one’s self. to live for Christ is to sacrifice one’s life to serve Christ. It isn’t about being saved; it’s about following Christ because He is the truth. We don’t follow Christ because of what we benefit, we follow Christ because His words are true, and the eyewitness testimony of His life and resurrection are the truth. His miracles which were never refuted by anyone, not the Jews, or the Romans, were done by the only Son of God. How could we not follow him? 

In reality, the thing we must do is surrender ourselves to the Lord. The day I surrendered to the Lord I realized my way was folly. I think of what Boromir said in the Fellowship of the Ring, “it is folly.” Boromir discusses the trouble of taking the one ring to Mordor. Not with an army, could it be done. He made a decision based on his understanding of the world as a soldier. Unable to see the world in a different perspective, he truly believed it couldn’t be done. We are very similar as a people. To follow Jesus is just folly to the atheist. The people of the world, reject Christ, because in reality, they want to be their own god. The sin that snared Eve in the Garden, was pride. The snake said “You’d be like God’. Eve jumped at the opportunity to be like God, and we sinful creatures jump at the opportunity to be hostile to the one true God. No other religion in the world is treated with such hostility as Christianity. I myself am not a follower of Christ because I was raised too, or even because of culture, I am a believer because it’s the truth. When you follow the evidence to its logical conclusion, Christianity is the truth. To get there though, one must free their mind, let go of what the world tells them to think and believe. Christ showed us the truth through His signs and wonders. He showed us the truth in His eye witnesses. As J. Wallace talks about in His book “Cold Case Christianity” one piece of evidence may be circumstantial, but when you begin to add up all the evidence, it’s impossible to be a coincidence anymore. I had to let go of wanting to do this life on my own. I had to realize the phrase “I got this” was not true at all. In fact, the ideal that I had it, got me to the dangerous side of the long-distance whole puncher. When I look at today’s life, I realized I, in fact, don’t got it. My way often led me to more trouble. When I try to fix anything on my own accord, I tend to screw everything up. Our way is not Holy, and when we do it our way, we, in our hubris, think we are just as good as God. We must reject ourselves and follow Christ, and we must reject the world, and follow Christ. 

In this life, we have a choice, to answer the call of the Holy Spirit upon our hearts. Do we unplug from the world, forsaking this life, to allow God, allowing Jesus to take up our life? If Christianity is not true, we lose nothing in this life. If it is true, and we do not follow it, we lose everything. Jesus is the WAY, the TRUTH, and THE LIFE, NO ONE GETS TO THE FATHER BUT THROUGH JESUS. Jesus gave us all the evidence we’d ever need to justify what scripture said, that we may look upon the cross and believe, that we have hope by looking at the empty tomb. Let us let go of the world, for those who let go of the world, shall inherit the kingdom of God. For it is our faith in Jesus, and we are saved by His grace, and His mercy. The truth will set us free. The truth will unplug us from the world, and we are adopted as citizens of Heaven, and we become ambassadors in this world. We have a mission to set more minds free, and share the gospel with everyone. We are to study to show ourselves approved. We are to understand and share the Word of God, with those around us. We are to make disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ. We must help unplug more and more people from the world, share with them the truth, and show them the way. 

Years later, I was driving in the car and I realized I had not turned on the radio. I realized I had not turned-on music from my phone. I realized I was sitting in absolute silence. I no longer had the intrusive thoughts I once had. I realized, in that moment, years of studying God’s word, going to church, and different therapies to help with the past trauma, led me to a point where I saw healing in my life. The day you give your life to Christ and become unplugged is the day you start a new journey. Just like Neo in the ‘Matrix’, he didn’t know everything about the Matrix, that took time for him to learn, to grow. Our day of Justification (Just as if I never sinned) happens one time. But, the growing in the Lord, the becoming more like Christ, takes time, a lifetime in fact. We never stop growing, and never reach our full potential till the day we breathe our last here on Earth, and open our eyes in Heaven. Just because we are followers of Christ doesn’t mean we don’t struggle, or have trials. On the contrary, we will have trials, and we will struggle, and we will be forged in fire. We must see through the eyes of Christ and see the world for what it is, the devils playground. We must face the ever-growing threat of darkness all around us, and prepare for the battle that looms ahead. Now we’re unplugged from the world, we face an army of sentinels, and agents, demons, and humans still plugged in to the system Satan has control over. Our job, is to continue to grow in our strength for the Lord, study to show ourselves approved, put scripture in our hearts to not sin against God, but to also resist the lies of the world. Let us face the army of Satan together, as brothers and sisters of Christ. Let us be the resistance, as we resist the attacks, the army that wages war against us. The truth, Jesus Christ, will set you free. 

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

I’m 9 weeks out from heart surgery. A major open heart, valve replacement surgery, with an added pacemaker. Heartbreak comes to many, and it can look different when it does. I can remember my first heartbreak. Most people, it comes from their first love, for me, it came much earlier. Don’t get me wrong, I remember the heartbreak from my first love also. They aren’t the same. Scripture tells us Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” For many, and even for me, this response was once a hallow one. When I would be given scripture in response to my internal suffering, I was often annoyed, and frustrated. Sadly, during my first heart break, my true heart break, I watched as my home was crumbling before my very eyes. Not much different than now. During that event I didn’t have anyone giving me anything, not even a ray of hope, not one single iota of advice, not even scriptural advice. This lack of biblical, and for lack of a better term, ‘spiritual’ guidance, left me vulnerable to attack. When I was a kid, I was often seen as an outsider, and in reality, I was. There was always something about my life, something different from the other kids. Some kids are born into two parent homes, some into one, where one parent works hard, but is a loving, compassionate, and invested parent. For me, my situation was different. Heartbreak would be a feeling I’d experience on a regular basis.

Now, life is a series of disappointing events, one after another, that puts into place the most difficult of trust issues. Betrayal is a hard place to be. When a lifetime of hope comes crashing down, moving forward is something challenging. I look to God for my answers. Sadly, questions have come up in my life that haven’t gotten those answers. A single lie can do irrevocable damage. Not because forgiveness isn’t involved, but because a relationship is based on trust, and once it’s gone, it can take a long time to regain it, sometimes, trust is never earned again. How do we face life when it seems the world, or at least the world according to my own orbit, is flying apart? It’s hard to face life when nothing looks like it once was, when familiar is now so far removed from what it was just a few months ago. 

Faith, faith is one of those things that comes easy to some, difficult for others. For some people when heartbreak comes, it pushes someone to reject the god they think they know. In reality, for those who chose to walk the path of an apostate, faith was never something they truly had. No, in fact, I believe, since we cannot lose our salvation, those who walk away from God, do so because they never truly understood who God is. Many I’ve seen who graced the doors of the church and then walked away, did so when things didn’t go their way, or the way they wanted it too. Our lives are not our own. Our lives are dictated by a very real God. When we experience real hardships, and the devil attacks, we as people like to blame God for the troubles we experience. This isn’t new of course, this has been going on since the Jews left Egypt and immediately complained about their circumstances. After seeing what God could do, they did not trust Him with even the smallest of things, such as food and water. Today, we blame God for everything bad and good that happens to us. Truth is, we don’t need to blame God for what we experience, because, in reality, our very sin nature causes most of our problems. If we are truly honest, between the sin nature we have within us, and the devil attacking us, God wouldn’t need to bring forth bad things, even if that was who God is, but He’s not. 

My recent loses have taught me the need to turn to God, rather than away from. Relying on people can be detrimental sometimes. We put our hopes in people sometimes, and we shouldn’t. For years I continued to hope and pray someone in my life would be the person I always wanted them to be. Faith, is not easy sometimes, especially when the forge is hot, and we are put to the flame. What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to move? What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to grow? For those who follow God, no matter how badly someone may hurt us, that hurt can be used to point us in a different direction. In my life, have I become to sedimentary? God saved me for something. I have recently looked at my life and wondered what was it that God gave me the opportunity to survive for. Going through some of the worst experiences, after having major heart surgery, and after my heart being crushed by it’s own blood, I find myself questioning much about God’s plan. It’s that plan, I wonder what must I do. Faith is not blind when you believe in God, and trust and obey. Our faith is rewarded by God’s faithfulness to us. Even when we are not faithful ourselves, we are never alone. God is always with us, even when we stray. One of the hardest things we can do is chose to live. As I’ve said recently, dying is easy, living is hard. I mean that with every ounce of who I am. Lately the question, is why? As I wrote recently, why do I keep fighting? Love, love is always the answer. Why did Jesus fight the pain, the torture, the mockery, the wrath of the father? Love. Love is the reason we do much in our lives. Why does a soldier fall upon a grenade tossed in his foxhole? Love of the brothers next to him. Love makes people do a lot of incredibly brave things. Love, also can have the opposite effect and make people forsake friends, family, and do a lot of stupid things. Love is most definitely a strong emotion that can remove all rational thought from the brain. Throwing ones self upon a grenade to save the lives of others, while heroic, is almost certain death. Why is it love can send people down all kinds of different paths? Why can love move people to pick up, pack up, and leave their family members behind? Why can love (or at least love by name alone) move people to forsake marriages? Sadly the human mind, and emotions are complex, and to answer that truly, this would become a deep written psych paper. 

When I was growing up, the first girl I fell in love with, I would have done anything for her. I felt we had an amazing relationship. There were many of the foundations of an wonderful relationship. Then, one day, without warning, it ended. One by one in my life, I would love, none like the first, but different in their own way. Each love would fall, and it was in my mind, why be hostile just because the relationship ended. Why couldn’t two people, once in a relationship be friends? For some, this was not the case, and over the years, more and more people, more and more friends, more and more relationships, have died, and disappeared. The amount of people that have ghosted me in my life, people I deeply cared for, is staggering. Thinking about them often, and I wonder, why they left. I question why someone would leave when I offer so much of myself. I offer assistance, an ear, respect, love, truth, and much more, yet they leave. I am not a perfect man, but I have found, the type of love I have always offered in my life is that similar to what the Lord offers to us. A lesson I have learned is this, why do people, who have been given an amazing gift, still decide to turn and walk away from it? Even though God never forces anyone to love Him, people chose not to take His gift of eternal salvation, and they chose the path that takes them straight to Hell. Sometimes, no matter how nice the gift, people will still reject it. No matter how sincere my love was, people would still reject it. No matter how much I tried to put a relationship back together, people would still reject it. For a long time, I blamed myself. For a long time, I asked if it was me, that they were rejecting. The answer, is both yes, and no. Pride is an important factor in this equation. While, all of those people left me, and I am the common denominator to that equation, there is one other factor, pride. To this day, I don’t know why some I’ve been in relationships with have stayed my friend, while others have moved on with their lives, leaving me behind. We as prideful people look out for just ourselves. We don’t care the hurt we may cause others, or the damage done to them. How easy it is for some people to cut ties with another person, despite once sharing great feelings or supposed respect for them. It would be understandable if I were a mean, uncaring, unloving, selfish, abusive person, but as far as I am aware, that isn’t the case. When I wasn’t dating my ex, because she needed it, I bought her a car, and I looked for nothing in return. A different ex, I paid off her collage tuition. The same applied, I wanted nothing in return. All I wanted to do was share love, and help those I care about. What I have learned is, no matter how much you do for a person, how much you’re there for them, heartbreak is always a possibility. 

Even though heartbreak can happen to anyone, at any time, that doesn’t mean don’t share your heart. Even those closest to you may break your heart, you should still venture into love, because love is what we are called to do. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. We are called to love our wives as Christ loved and died for the church. We are called to love God with everything we are. We are called to love our enemies and treat them with a kind hand. How can we love, if all we do is look out for ourselves? How can we love if we are always thinking in our minds, ‘I’ll love as long as I’m treated nicely and with respect, and I’m happy.’ So often the moment we become unhappy, that switch in our brains that tells us we love someone, is turned off, and we begin to seek someone else to love. The moment the marriage gets hard often we see, especially today, couples crumble and fall apart. Love means very little in peoples lives today. We say it sure, in fact we over saturate the world with the word, but we don’t do what love is. We say it, but we don’t live it out. We say it, but we don’t let the true meaning sink into our hearts, and take root, allowing our lives to withstand the storms, without the love burning out. 

I’ve experienced true heartbreak in my life. I have experienced heartbreak in my childhood, my first girlfriend ripped out my heart and tapped danced on it for a while, and two ex-wives made sure my heart wasn’t just a little broken, but paid extra attention to maximizing the pain I would go through. We tend to hurt others most when we know deep down we are wrong. We tend to try to justify why we are doing what we are doing, and we turn the innocent into the problem, and then, that turns to bitterness, and vileness. We turn our own selfish desires into our truth, and anything that goes against that is a direct attack, and we then defend our own sinful, and selfish actions, no matter how badly it may hurt the loved ones around us. Yes, indeed, I have experienced heartbreak. 

As i wrote recently I fight for love. “I fight because of love. I fight because Jesus loved me enough to die for me on the cross. I endure hardships because Christ endured hardships. I take the beating because the Apostles, like Christ, took the beatings. I fight the war, because Paul said “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/31/why-do-you-keep-fighting/ I fight because I choose to fight. I was given a choice to have the surgery or not. I chose to endure the surgery, to keep me in the fight longer. Sure, I could have just waited it out, and let the heart fail, whenever it would have failed, but that’s not what I chose to do. Continue to fight, even though I have endured great heartbreak, and I am enduring great hardships, I know there are people around me who would not want me to leave. Loved ones that while I do believe they would be fine without me, wish for me to stay. So even though I have endured so much, I decide every day to stay, to continue the work the Lord has given me. I pray every day the Lord would allow me to create “Christs Cantina” and make a Star Wars themed Christian ‘coffee house style’ place, for both nerds and veterans to go, to hear about God’s word, and maybe try to do some community outreach to make our home a better place to be. Even though I feel current heartbreak, and struggles for the events that have occurred over the last few months, I know that God’s plan is perfect. Even if I don’t see His plan, I know that my heart will mend, and it will beat again. We cannot allow heartbreak to turn us into cold, bitter, resentful, angry people. We must overcome, and through the act of forgiveness allow ourselves to heal. We must be able to push through the pain, not ignoring it, but knowing that people are sinful, and sinful people will undoubtedly hurt others. Sin does not happen within a bubble, but rather, spreads out and affects everyone around us. Sin is the most destructive force on the planet, and we often as a society say it’s stuff like global warming, global cooling, or the lump sum of racism, hate speech, but in reality it’s sin. Sin destroys  more lives than any fire, any flood, anything else we can imagine. Our sin, our pride, our idols bring forth destruction on a scale that far surpasses any other disasters. Just the last year alone, I’ve seen several marriages fall to ruin. I’ve seen families destroyed. I’ve seen lies destroy trust, and I’ve seen pride damage relationships. 

One day, every knee shall bow, every tongue shall confess, and the Lord will purge the world of sin. One day a new heaven and a new earth shall be made, and in heaven there are no more tears, or sorrow. We are but a vapor in this life, and our God almighty is eternal. We cannot fathom the true nature of God, but I know that it’s not long, until my body will pass away, and to be absent from the body is to be with the Lord. I know when that day comes, I will be safe in my Fathers arms. I know that Jesus has given me many miracles in the recent months, and I know that I cannot waist them. Despite the struggles since I chose life on earth, and I chose not to go home just yet. The physical pain I feel that brings me to my knees, and the emotional pain I have endured, will not be the end of me. While the tears fall from my face, and the hardships feel more than I can bare, I remember these words from scripture, 1 Corinthians 10:13 “13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” I trust my Lord that my armor will hold. I trust my Lord that the shield I carry will protect me from all the arrows launched at me. I trust my Lord that the breastplate will guard my heart from the Devils schemes. I trust the Lord that my helmet will protect my mind from the lies and whispers of Satan. The Lord my God, Jesus Christ, will show me the path from this trial. Yes, my heart is in pieces, but the Lord is faithful. My heart crushed, my head down in sorrow. I know however the Lord is with me, and one day, I shall find peace. One day, I will have respite from the battle I’m in. Beyond this life though, one day I know I will reside in the kingdom of God, and I will never know pain again. One day, beyond this journey, lays a new state of being, one of perfection, with no more scars. As Casting Crowns said Scars In Heaven, “The only scars in heaven wont belong to me and you, the’ll be no such thing as broken.” The only scars in heaven will belong to our savior Jesus. Oh what a day that will be to be able to go home. What a day that’ll be to say goodbye to this lifelong trial. What a day that’ll be till Jesus welcomes me home after my marathon is over. What a day that’ll be when my broken heart is renewed and there will be no more pain. Till that day, I fight the fight. Till that day I’ll do my job, sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ. Till that day, I will continue to proclaim the one that saved my soul. I will continue to tell anyone I can the amazing miracles I’ve witnessed in recent days. Jesus is the way the, the truth, and the life, and no one gets to the father except by Him. (John 3:16) One must believe in Jesus Christ, and Obey his commandments. (John3:36). We must repent of our sins, turn from the world, and pick up our cross daily and follow Christ. Jesus told us in Matthew 4:17, to repent. We are all sinners, saved by grace, but we must accept Jesus, accept His word without adding our own interpretations, or ideals into scripture. Our opinion do not matter, and as I have often said, as one of my favorite quotes, “The Word of God is the anvil upon which the opinions of men are smashed.” (Charles Spurgeon) My opinion means nothing. The Word of God is everything. It destroys my idea of what life might be, by showing me the nature of my sin. It shows me the nature of man, and the trickery of the Devil. It shows me how to live a Godly life. It shows me how to resit the Devil. It shows me how to be a man of God, righteousness, holiness, and the depravity in which mankind lives. God’s word is the truth, I shall not devise my own ‘truth’ and allow sin to rule over me. The holy scripture of God, shows me what true strength is. It shows me how to be strong, yet meek. It shows me how to extend mercy to those who hurt me. It shows me how to bring peace to my home, even when the Devil steps inside. God’s word has changed me into a man who desires peace, to live in peace, to resit gossip, to stand up against injustice, but to live in the truth of the almighty God. We must stand firm on God’s word. We must not forsake one another in the trials of life, but come together in loving kindness in accordance to God’s word. 

Despite the hardships faced, and the heartbreak, life goes on. The darkness rises all around us, but a glimmering light shines to keep us reminded of the hope, that Christ is the light of the world. Even in the darkest of nights, the dawn always rises. The heart does heal, it just takes time. Scars often remain from hardships, but in our scars we learn, and we grow. Let us not allow our scars to leave behind the bitterness, and hatred that caused them to begin with. Let us seek to live life according to the wishes of our Lord God. 

The Week My Heart Stopped

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The Week My Heart Stopped

First of, I’m a 40 year old male, with no history of heart problems. My story is one that highlights the power and sovereignty of God. I suppose to understand, one must venture to the beginning, as to fully grasp the situation. The details are an important part of the story. June 19th was the last day of VBS (Vacation Bible School) at church. One of the youth, and a kid I’ve known for many years approached me with a challenge, a foot race. Having a bad knee, and knowing I’m not supposed to run, it’s odd that I accepted his challenge to begin with. A few months prior I had found out I had a hernia on the right side of my groin. One more reason to say no, but I didn’t. Against what would have been better judgement, I said okay. The foot race commenced and I won. A victory over someone, someone so young, was short lived as the next day I was in the hospital. That hernia decided to bulge, leaving me unable to walk. When the doc came in to ‘fix’ it, I was grateful. The conversation ended with me going along with what turned out to be double ingroinal hernia surgery. Not one but two hernias. This would not take place till October however, so I had the rest of the summer to enjoy.

The hernia surgery came on the 28th of October. It was a quick surgery and a success. That is, till a single day later when the gas from the surgery migrated up to my right shoulder, causing significant pain. During the CT scan, something odd was seen, not of the gas but with my heart. My Aorta was not the right size. I was sitting in my room waiting for the doctors and when one came in, it would quickly become a whole ordeal. Several more doctors from different departments would grace my bedside. A plan was being formulated for priority open heart surgery. How did I go from hernia surgery to open heart surgery in a day? It turned out, that my aorta root was a bit larger than it should. Surgery threshold is 5.5 cm, but my root measured around 6.3. As it turned out, I had what is known as a ‘Bicuspid’ valve. When someone has this defect, their muscles, and ligaments can sometimes be super stretchy. Could this be the problem with my neck and my knee? Perhaps. Surgery would be set for Nov 22nd. Just less than a month later after hernia surgery. The amount of scans and tests I had to do in the meantime kept me very busy. Unfortunately I was not able to prepare everything for the heart surgery as I had attempted to do for the hernia surgery. Being the man of the house meant I did the heavy lifting. Planning for two months was not only expensive, but took a great deal of thought. Going into hernia surgery I felt prepared to be limited for a while. Going into heart surgery left me feeling wholly unprepared.

The 22nd came, and my nervousness showed in all my blood pressure tests. The morning was early, and I had once again found myself in surgery safety prep on the fourth floor of the VA hospital in Durham NC. Some familiar faces graced my bedside as I was shaved from my shoulders to my feet. I had already had to shave my beared the night before which was difficult, and I shaved my head as well, completely changing the way I looked just 24 hours prior. Long thin hair, and a long beard, now gone. Surgery prep seemed to go pretty quick this time. Before I knew it, most of my team was at my bedside for one final walkthrough of my case. The heart model I took for them to sign was signed, my last will and testament was submitted, and i was as ready as I could be.

Four hours was all the time the doc needed to replace my aorta root, the valve, and stem. A rock star of the aorta valve replacement world. A surgery that would normally take 8 hours he did in 4. That night they would start to wake me up, and I remember still having the ventilator tube down my throat. At first I was okay, but the longer they took to remove it, while I was awake, the more I began to panic. My mind said get it out, even though it was doing the breathing for me, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. The tube was removed, and my memory foggy. I remember family being at my bedside, and a friend. The meds I was on, quickly put me back to sleep, till I was awoken the next morning to walk. Having multiple chest tubes, and an external temporary pacemaker, It took everything I had to get out of bed. I gripped my heart pillow with all the minuscule strength I had. Finally they got me up, I walked, and then I was back to the chair. In reality, I don’t remember much except being silly with my friend who was there, and my supportive bride. The medication they had me on was pretty strong and kept me in a fairly high state. By Tuesday, it seemed there might be something wrong. My heart wasn’t responding to being woken up. Test after test showed my heart was not responding and not functioning on it’s own without the pacemaker. Wednesday came, and the test was a 12 lead EKG, while they turned off the pacemaker. Essentially, they needed to see what was wrong, and what my heart was doing.

Wednesday, five days after heart surgery. The room was cleared so no one would see what happened, at my request. The leads were attached, and the nurse held my hand. The EKG started. Then, the countdown began, 3…2…1… and the pacemaker was turned off. My eyes couldn’t stay open, as I lost consciousness. My heart stopped. The test only kept the pacer off for 3 seconds, but for those 3 seconds, my heart stopped, and I was aware of it. I could feel the lightheadedness, the lack of oxygen flowing through my body. I could feel my body giving up the fight to stay awake. Within moments, I regained semi consciousness, and a few moments later it was better, but tears flowed down my face. How could life had come to this? By Friday I was scheduled to have a pacemaker installed. I am only 40 years old, and I have an artificial heart valve, and a device keeping my heart pumping. How could life have come to this? The answer is simple really, and can be found in scripture.

As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

— John 9:1-3

This wasn’t something God was doing to me, but something God saved me from. After a talk with one of my surgeons, I would find that the valve could have failed at any time. The valve description used was ‘gnarly’. So, in reality, both the valve, and the root were ticking time bombs. The root could have dissected, split open at any time. My plans were to be in the Philippines for Christmas this year. Instead I found myself having this surgery. God, has been in the details all year. From the original finding of the hernia, to the foot race, forcing my hand for surgery, to the gas going into the chest, which was fairly uncommon, to the incidental finding of my aorta on a scan not looking specifically at my heart. These things are too many coincidences to be considered coincidences. If the universe were truly chaos and random, then the odds of this many events culminating in life saving surgery, would be unlikely. But, that’s not how an Almighty God works. God saved my life, again. While my recovery has been difficult, and having the pacemaker adds extra challenges, the truth is, I was given the gift of life for Christmas.

This revelation of God’s sovereignty and grace, does not take away the hardships of heart surgery. It doesn’t take away the emotions left behind in it’s wake. When your body feels foreign, and broken, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Yes, I am bored at home, and walking is a challenge because there is no place good to walk inside. Being too cold outside, has made recovery a challenge. Having to put my car in the shop the day after being released from the hospital, and having a $3000 dollar car repair, right before Christmas, has left me feeling a bit down. The Devil has thrown much at me since my time home from the hospital. It isn’t just the body that needs to heal after this kind of surgery, but the mind as well. I have found myself struggling needing help with everything I do. I have felt like a burden, a waist of time, weak. I have felt sorry for myself a time or too also. The struggle to do what is necessary for the recovery of mind and body is not one easily found where I live. I live too far from the local mall to walk. We have no recreation centers with indoor tracks. We have no large stores other than a small Walmart and a Lowe’s which neither sound appealing to walk. I have some ideas I may implement soon, money though is the question. I know the Lord provides all we need, I question if something is a need or a want.

I am slowly recovering physically, but I do believe the recovery is still a long ways away. God being in the details gives me hope that there is a reason for His saving my life yet again. The time bomb in my chest was diffused, and I now have time to do whatever the Lord wishes. Both the valve and the root could have given way at any moment, but God stopped me from going across the world, to have this surgery, and I know there has to be a reason. I don’t know why God gave me this pace maker, but this too is part of the Lords plan. I have said before, ‘all we can do with the time given to us is choose how we reply to each moment of our lives.’ We don’t have a say in what happens to us much of the time. We can’t change what people say or do in our lives, except try to live as Godly as possible. Living for Christ, and making decisions based on what we think would be pleasing to Him is truly all we can do.

It astounds me to think just a few weeks ago my entire chest was cracked open, exposed to the world. My heart was in the hands of a stranger. The gift of life this Christmas came at the hands of God. God didn’t have to give us warning something was wrong. God could have just taken me home. For whatever reason, God saw fit to save my earthly life, and here I am fighting the good fight for the Lord of Lords still. God works in mysterious ways for sure, and while I do not know why it is God has seen fit to save my life, yet again, I will continue to serve the best I can. Sometimes it’s hard to raise a hallelujah. Sometimes it’s all we can do do get out those words to praise a Holy God. Sometimes the world has done a number on us, and we’re down on our knees for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the voice of God through the noise of the world. Sometimes it’s a storm tossed ship, wrecked and ravaged by the nature of this world. It’s in these moments, that we must raise the hallelujah. It’s these times we must praise God even more, and turn to Him for guidance and peace. Sometimes it’s a hard fought hallelujah, but in the battle we know it doesn’t belong to us. We know that Jesus already won the battle. The mighty victory cry he cried on the cross, ‘tetelestai’, or it is finished. This single word is more than just it is finished, but rather, the contract is complete, the battle is completely won, the bill is completely paid for. This was used in business, the debt is fully paid, judgment in court, sentence fully served, and the battle is fully won. How great is it to know that Jesus won our battles. The battle today is not of my own, or your own. We bare the cross yes, but Jesus already won the battle. The story we are in is already complete and will one day end. We see the battle, but Jesus sees our victory. When we see the deep valley, Jesus sees the triumph at the end of the road. We must take our troubles, and sorrows to the one who can do something about it, our Lord, our Savior, Jesus the Christ. We fight not against flesh and blood but in the spiritual realm of our souls. The Devil may break our bodies, he may attack our stuff, but what remains behind is our souls. Prayer is often underutilized. We often forget we have the ability to talk directly to the sovereign of the universe. We will suffer in this world, this was promised. Being a Christian, being a member of ‘the way’ is not one for the faint of heart. Jesus told us in scripture, it would take everything we have. Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.” To pick up your cross meant to die to yourself. To do so publicly as the world would see you carry your cross. It meant to be ostracized by society. It meant to kill away your sins inside yourself daily. To give up your own pride, and your own selfish ambitions, to give your life to the Lord, and to do so publicly, unafraid. We are told the path to the Father is a narrow one, and many would rather chose or walk the wide path of destruction.

Life is going to be full of hardships, and despite those hardships, Jesus won our battle. Jesus fought the fight, and won. He defeated sin, and we have eternal hope. People want to talk about love is love, but true love is telling someone the truth. Jesus said he didn’t come to unite, but to divide us. The truth is, 2000 years ago, the Devil lost his fight when Christ became victorious over death. We have not seen the last of the war, but we know that Christ wins the war. People often think of Jesus as sweet baby Jesus, or hippy Jesus. The truth is, when Christ comes back, it will not be for earthly peace. When Jesus returns, it’ll be to bring righteous war upon the world that has rejected Him, in His perfect judgment for the sins of the world. We do not know the time of His return, but we are called to be ready for it. Jesus will return, sword in hand, and with the legions of Angels He commands, will fight to destroy the remaining evil in the world. The bowl judgments will pour out upon humanity, the trumpets will sound, and eventually God will reverse creation, wiping out all what we know, and He will rebuild. Jesus, the Lion of Judah, is not a hippy love is love Jesus. Jesus said, if you love me you will follow my commandments, so we are to love God’s commandments, and not just the ones we like. Is this life hard? It sure is, but we have a God who understands. We have a God that put on flesh to understand our sufferings. Count it all joy my brethren when you endure trials. Swords must be tempered in fire. Gold purified in the fiery furnace. Steel for everything we use is forged. Why would we be any different? Jesus told us the truth, that this life is hard. He loved us enough to show us the truth in His sacrifice. It would be easy if Jesus said, ‘you’re life would be a piece of cake’. That however wouldn’t be the truth. Some so called pastors say this, but it’s a lie from the Devil. We are soldiers, so let us soldier up, and get back into the fight. When the Devil starts shooting those arrows at you, cover behind the shield God gave you. Then when the time is right, spring forward, sword raised high, and push forward. We are soldiers on the battlefield, and it’s full of death, destruction, hardships, but we have the might of God, and the Angels on our side. Keep fighting, because inside you is a roaring lion. The spirit of God, the spirit of courage, bravery, and a spirit of hope, we are soldiers in this life. Fight on, and never quit. The truth of God is all around us, we just have to look around. We see His truth in the complexity of the plants, animals, our own bodies, the universe. We will emerge victorious, because Jesus is victorious.

God saved my life, and I know that I’ve been saved by the blood. I’ve been given life, and I will not let the Devil win. I will not let the demons whispering in my ear to quit, win. I will not stop preaching and teaching His mighty word. I will crawl if I have to, but I’ll keep going. My life is in God’s hands, and I was a soldier in this earthly life, I am a soldier for God, and my family I will keep my Armor tight, and show them, not my strength, but the strength God has given to me. I am saved, born again, washed by the water. Hallelujah to my Lord, this is a long hard fought Hallelujah. Let God have the Glory in my life. Why am I going through these hardships? So God would be glorified through it. Let us turn to God and show him the praise and worship, only He deserves. One day I will be recalled from this duty station. One day, the Lord will say my watch is over. One day Jesus will tell me, well done soldier, now rest. One day I will take up residence where I truly belong. One day, I will see what I’ve been fighting for this whole time. I long for that day, but for now, I will serve God faithfully here. I will fight for my family. I will be the spiritual head of my home. I will fight back against the Devil, I will resist with all my might, and protect my family. My service isn’t over yet, and God saving my life, not once, not twice, but three times or more, tells me He still has plans for me. Into the battle, He’s prepared my fingers for war. Let us pick up the shield, the sword, and let us go do some work. Fight the good fight soldiers of Christ, your not done yet.

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Protecting Our Witness (podcast)

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Join me as we do a short podcast; talking about our witness, and keeping forgiveness in our hearts.

The Arrow Preacher Podcast: Friday: Protecting Our Witness Podcast
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The Burdens

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The Burdens

We all have our burdens. Some people will face burdens of the external kind, people, or things in their life. Some will face those from within, pain, or sickness. The challenge recently for me has been the internal. It’s been days now of pain in the 6-7 range. With only brief moments of relief, it’s easy to say, fatigue can set in. With fatigue comes the spiritual attacks. Whether it be thoughts brought on by the sin nature that dwells within, or the devil whispering in my ear, the struggle is real. 

I am reminded of Paul, who in an encouraging statement said he prayed three times to have a thorn in his side removed. God denied his request. Paul’s answer in 2 Corinthians 12:10 “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” God’s answer to Paul is “My grace is sufficient.” Do we have this mindset when we are going through something? Do we seek God first to remove our torment, and if he says no, do we settle in and take joy in those infirmities, persecutions, and hardships? 

Being in constant, chronic pain is not easy. It brings fatigue, irritability, frustration, and in many cases it can bring depression, and hopelessness. Despite the struggle, I find myself turning to God. While the sharks smell blood in the water, in my low points, I will not let the deep drag me down. 

There have been many great men who have endured years of hardships, so I may have the opportunity to do the same. Some comes in the way of persecution, but regardless, my Savior and King Jesus Christ was beaten, scourged, battered, a crown of thorns placed upon his head, and placed isn’t a strong enough word, crushed down upon his head, forcing the thorns to dig into his flesh, tearing it along the way, causing profuse bleeding into his face. My savior had flesh ripped down into the very sinews of his muscles. He was placed on a cross in which he had to raise himself up with a spike driven through his feet, and his torn open back scraping along the wood plank, just to breathe. He came to bare that burden for us. Not for all, but for the ones who accept his gift. What kind of character does it take to die for your enemy? What is our example? This, to lay down one’s life for someone who hates you, spit on you, just for the chance they may see their wicked ways changed, and follow you. Jesus knew that not everyone would follow him. In fact, he knew that few would choose to truly lay down the world, and pick up their own cross. 

The walk of a Christian is one of struggle, hardships, and battles. God gave us the command to be the church, and commands to the church on how to act, what to be. We as Christians are given the command to lay down our burdens at the foot of the cross. We are to lay them down at the feet of Jesus and let him be God and to let us trust in Him. While some burdens, like sickness may not go away, the pain may not go away, the renewing of strength may be given to us. Nights like today, I feel the need to feel his presence. I feel the need to cry out to the Lord to be with me tonight. I feel myself growing tired and in need of rest. The attacks of the devil start to swirl around me and in my own military mind, I request danger close call for fire. I cannot fight the fight against the demons circling round alone, but I know Jesus won’t let me fight alone. 

My hurt will never go away. My skeletal neck injuries will remain until I have reconstructive surgery. While I know my pain won’t be going anywhere, it’s not the pain I ask for healing for, but the renewal of my spirit. I don’t need the burden I’ve been given removed, only help to bare it. I have accepted my fate; I just need help getting up and fighting the good fight every day. I cannot do this without my Lord and Savior Jesus. My heart is heavy for the burden I create for my loved ones. Those who take care of me when I cannot get out of bed. Those who make a meal when I hurt too much to cook. To those who comfort me in my time of need. 

God has blessed me, and his will is perfect, and sovereign. All we can do is, no matter what we go through, is to tell the world Jesus. This dark world needs the light of Christ. The great rejection of Jesus is real today, and we need to stand firm on our faith. We worship not because we are healed, but in spite of not being healed, knowing Jesus is Lord. I know one day this broken shell will be remade. I know in one day I will be accepted into glory and this body will not hurt anymore. I know that day will be all the sweater, knowing I suffered for it. 

We may not be able to change our circumstances, but we can change our perspective. We may not be able to take away our pain and struggle, but we can embrace it, to build His kingdom. Let us look different when the world looks down upon us. Let us be so different it bewilders the unbeliever how we can have so much joy in the midst of so much pain. Let us praise our Jesus in the darkest of nights. And when the world hurts us, when the world spits on us, let us remember, 

“Father, give me grace to forgive them, for I feel like I’m the one loosing.” (Losing, By: Tenth Avenue North) 

No matter where you are in your walk, remember if you start to stray, remember, you’re one step away. Jesus is with you, waiting for you to accept him. His love has been with you, and you’ve never been alone. God’s grace and mercy show us, that no matter if you were a tax collector, or a murderer of the innocent, God’s grace is infinite. God’s mercy can transform hearts, and change even the most brutal of people. We are sinners, enemies of God and we’re saved by His grace. We are saved in Faith, and all we must do is repent of our sins, and let Jesus into our hearts, changing us, and becoming something new. Lay down those old rags, and pick up the cloth of a child of the King. Let Jesus break those old chains that bound you to your sin, and free you from that burden. Look to the empty tomb and know he is risen. The cross is empty, Jesus finished the work so we may live, so let us live for Him. 

Go in pace and continue to Love one Another. 

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20 Years Later 

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20 Years Later: 

This year the heaviness is greater than that of the recent years. I’m amazed at how deeply emotions can run within us. Since my incident in 2016, and all the subsequent therapy that came after it, I am far more aware of the emotions inside. I can cry at a moment’s notice. I can feel deeply, and feel badly for someone, even connect to the emotions within a show or song. Sometimes it feels like when we were ‘fixing’ me, we may have overdone it a bit in the emotions department. Like turning the dial a bit too far. 

Over the last few days I have found some of the little things have been affecting me more than maybe they should. I have relationships in my life that I feel deeply about and worrying about their soul, crying when no one’s looking, hoping they know Christ. I have wondered what I’m fighting for. I have wondered what I survived for. I have wondered what we fought for. Why did God spare me, but not my friends. Why did those RPG’s miss my truck? Why did the IED’s not disabled the truck and make us easier to kill. Why did the bullet not take my life, but my friends are gone. Why am I here, but my friend doesn’t see his nephew and nieces? Why was I spared, but not them? Why am I writing this, when my friend doesn’t see his son grow up to be a wonderful man? 

All four men left families behind. Loved ones. I have gone over that day so many times. I have remembered it, the details, the sight, sounds, smells, the feelings. It is more vivid, more detailed, more real when this dreadful day comes around. Today I have loved ones in my life that support me, love me, and all I can do is thank God for the time I have been given. I look to my life and know it isn’t deserved. I know I have fallen, and failed more times than I can count, yet God’s grace and mercy are with me. That’s the thing about his mercy, and grace, they aren’t deserved, or earned. We should never be given such blessings, but the thing about God, he’s also love. 

I figured out a long time ago I would never be able to earn my way into God’s graces. I would never feel like I deserved it, and in fact, I would often look to my life asking why God would spend so much time on a wretched sinner like myself. I do not know my purpose, or why God has spared my life so many times, but all I can do is live. I can live and carry those memories with me, and sharing their story. All I can do is carry the memory with me and keep them in my heart. Freedom here is never free, it’s paid for in blood, and sadly, most will never know the depth of sacrifice it has taken for the freedoms of this country. 

Scripture tells us in John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” Jesus showed us what it means to love. Jesus’s actions and forgiveness laid the foundation of what our lives should look like. We love one another, but the way we love is a poor replica of the love given to us by God. We abuse the word love, and we misuse the love we share to others. The service rendered to this country comes at a cost. I heard recently “soldiering isn’t easy on the body.” For some, it’s the end of all things in this world. 

For me, soldiering has left me in Chronic pain, sometimes bad enough to keep me in bed all day. One memory I will forever take with me is that of women being allowed to vote for the first time in Iraq. Was it worth it? What’s the price tag for giving freedoms to someone? What’s the going rate for offering people a chance to write their own course? Sometimes it’s taken for granted, and sometimes it’s spit on. I for one and proud of the work we did in Iraq, but in my heart, I know the price was dear. Many people go about their March 4th, just another day. For me, it’s a day of somber remembrance. For me, it’s a day for tears. For me, it’s a day to remember the cost of those who paid the price for my freedoms in this country. Most take a split second on memorial day, or veterans day to remember, for me, it’s deeper than a long weekend, full of bbq. For me it’s personal. Losing my friends, my comrades, my brothers in arms, taught me that tomorrow is never promised. Scripture tells us that our lives are like a vapor (James 4:14). And we are to number our days, so we may grow in a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12). Our time on this earth is short, and all believers have a mission, a purpose. We have all been given spiritual gifts to use in the growth of the kingdom. Life isn’t about the work we do, or the appointments we keep, or the money we make. Life is about the connections. Life is about the relationship with God first, then the body of believers second. We have to look out for one another. In today’s busy fast passed world, people are the worst at keeping in touch. When keeping in touch has never been easier, or taken less effort. With just a few thumb strokes you can call and video chat with someone. A phone call as old fashioned as it is, or a text on some platform. A message takes 5 seconds. We often ignore messages, or “forget”, or didn’t have time. All are poor excuses for neglecting a friendship. 

People today are going through a great deal of pain, and yet there are so few willing to help carry that burden. It’s true we have a level of responsibility for our own cross we bear, and some of our responsibility is to let God handle much of what we deal with, but having those friendships, the people to talk to, not being on an island by yourself, is important. Having believers and friends there is to have iron sharpen iron, so does a sharpens another man. (Proverbs 27:17). From my own personal experience this is not happening as it should. I try not to complain much in my life, mostly because I have grown up thinking most people don’t care. When it comes to the larger things, I’ve become accustom to asking for prayers, but the day-to-day stuff, I usually keep to myself. I do however, on average, send out 15-30 messages a day, to check on people, see how they are, and see if there’s anything they need prayer wise. On a good day, I may receive 2-3 messages in return. Most of those 15-30 messages, I never get a response. From a human perspective, of course this hurts my feelings. From a Christian perspective this hurts my heart. How little do we care, that we cannot take 5 seconds to send any kind of reply. I’m not a fan of the thumbs up emoji, but that would be better than nothing at all. No, today it seems, we are full of neglectful laziness. For some, I can excuse, they saw it, forgot, etc. But never getting back to it, not only is that neglectful of your duties as a friend, but also, in my mind, a reflection of how you feel about the friendship. I may be wrong, but it’s how I feel after dealing with these particular issues for many years now, that it’s only continued to grow worse. 

Life is short, from car accidents, to random public violence, to health problems, we never know if there is a tomorrow. But in reality, what we need to focus on is, ‘is there a tomorrow for them?’ I don’t send the message for just myself, but for the recipient. I send it so they know they are thought of, that they are on someone’s mind, that they are cared for. How many of us feel like someone out there cares enough about us to send us something? I’d say most are few. Such a simple thing to do, a small simple message, a hello, a prayer, showing the love of Christ in such a small, easy, and quantifiable. Yet, we are too busy or just don’t care. 

20 years ago, I today I lost my friends in an attack in the city of Ar-Ramadi. Not a day goes by I don ‘t think of them, but this year has been heavier. Perhaps I see the results of a life left behind, that makes me have a bit more survivors’ guilt than usual. The families they were not here to see, the kids, the nieces, nephews, wives, that those people had to move on or grow up not knowing their fallen loved one. We don’t always know the why, know what God’s plan or purpose is. I learned very early in my life how important our time is, and how short it is. A few days ago I was driving home and there were almost 30 rescue vehicles at the gas station near my home. By the looks of it a car hit the center of a telephone pole. I don’t know exactly what happened, but regardless, that many emergency vehicles, something terrible happened. I don’t know if anyone was killed, but it was a reminder that life changes in an instant. We just don’t know how many days we have. Death is not something we want to think about, but it comes for us all, and not all of us are in our beds and die of old age. It’s just the simple truth. Do we know the Gospel of Jesus Christ? Do we know how our sins condemn us to Hell, a guilty verdict before the judge? Do we know that the only choice of not dying is by the sacrificed blood of Jesus, the Son of God, equal to God? Jesus died so we may live. Jesus died as a lamb for us, but rose as a triumphant King. He is Lord, and creator over all, and a day is coming when every knee will bow, every tongue shall confess he is Lord. Jesus is not just savior, not just the fire insurance, but he is Lord. He deserves our praise, and worship. He deserves our obedience to his commandments. We should want to do as he wishes and commands for us. His sacrifice is not a license to sin, and his grace and mercy are not those things either, but rather we test the waters to see how much we can get away with. Shame on us. We abuse his mercy, we abuse is love, and his grace. And in reality, we do not show the love to our neighbors as we should, when we forsake our friends. We ought to do better, for time is short, and the hour is nearer than it was. What do we need to be saved? Have faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Repent of your sinful ways, and be baptized. The path to destruction is wide, the way to the kingdom is by the narrow way. 

Be blessed, go and love one another as Christ loved and died for the church. 

This Old Elf

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This Old Elf

Four decades, or forty years. Time slips by in what seems like an instant, but as anyone can see just by looking around them, time is better for some people than others. If I was not a faithful, God-fearing man, I would say time hated me. As one friend put it, ‘if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.’ Time has been hard on me all these years. I have spent much time recently looking back and reviewing my four long decades on this earth. The passage of time is a strange thing, since sometimes it goes slow, and others we seem to miss it in the blink of an eye. But in reality, time moves the same speed today, as it did in the 80’s, 90’s and even the time just after Adam and Eve were banished from Eden. If I was a betting man, I would say, what I’m feeling is fairly common for a newly turned 40-year-old. I’m not sure if most people do this, but in the recent days I’ve been reflecting over my life.

I don’t believe anyone would say I’ve had an easy life. I have been blessed, and am currently blessed, but that does not mean life is without issues. There is certainly something to be said about a family member battling dementia, and the family left to help navigate the stormy waters. Some days are decent, while others are not. When the relationship is already tumultuous, turbulent, it makes that navigation like a first year Lieutenant on a land nav course. 

Are we ever where we thought we ‘d be? Generally, the answer to this question is no. I’d say the vast majority of people’s lives are so far off the track from what they originally attempted to navigate. This doesn’t mean life is all difficult, but I do think reflection can be both helpful and hurtful depending on the circumstances. Reflection is important so we can take a long hard look and perhaps gain some perspective. However, if we stair to long, we may get lost in the despair of rejection, heartache, and disappointment, that may come from looking back. I have a few big moments in my life I have considered what would have happened if I had just made a different choice. Some say our choices define us, and while that’s true, sometimes it feels they often condemn us. The last thing I want in my life is to forever be stuck. I look at my current situation and it’s hard not to feel stuck. It’s no secret that I live in a tent behind my mother’s house. Having needing a place to live after my back injury, my house was packed into boxes and while in need of a place to store it, mothers house was that place. What was meant to be a short stay, has now turned into seven years. In need of some privacy the tent was placed near the house to have power, a larger bed than a twin, a small place to put a desk to work, and some privacy. But it was in no way expected to be a long-term solution. Three years later. Now, when one looks at the current mortgage rates, I cannot pay half or more than half of my income to a house payment. A disabled veteran is hard pressed to own a home on their income alone. Am I a failure? At 40 years old, living in the back yard of their aging parent whose battling dementia, a house badly designed and laid out, making living very difficult, and stressful, and frustrating, I feel as if I have failed. It is my responsibility to take care of and provide for my family, and while yes, there is a roof over our heads, and food on the table, I am able to provide the bare minimum. Am I being too hard on myself? Perhaps.

I pray that in my current state in my life, that this is not a representation of me: 

Proverbs 13:4

4 The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing,

    while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.

Things aren’t always easy, and life hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would. The struggles I’ve faced are not easy, but nowhere near the worst they could be. Even with the recent and long-term struggles, I have to find my situation blessed. While I struggle every day with a slew of chronic issues, I know my situation could be worse. I have acknowledged at my current place; I am in no way of fixing or changing anything. It is for this reason, I know that all I can do is pray about where I am, and know that God is in control. Some have called this kind of acknowledgement the serenity prayer. While yes, I am aware of it, I will say, knowing and understanding, does not make the day-to-day choices any easier. 

As I turned forty, I’m not sure what I expected from the day, but I wish I could say it went well. Sadly, the day started off rough, and periodically went downhill. I found myself battling my own disappointments, strong negative emotions, and by the end of the night being hurt and disappointed by the words of others. A day that should have been happy and a celebration, did not turn out that way. I often wonder if people consider the amount of pressure a man has on his shoulders. I wonder if people truly consider how difficult it is for a man to have the weight and responsibility of his family’s spiritual walk, the financial responsibilities for the family, the maintenance and heavy lifting for the family. After all that, you add the man’s hopes and dreams, and know that he will often put those aside for the health, and welfare of his loved ones, he walks alone, silent in his struggle. 

But God, hears his cries. While he does not speak allowed his hurt, God knows and hears the cries coming from his broken heart. Turning 40 isn’t the end of the road, it’s merely the middle. One could say it’s the beginning, since every start around the sun is a new starting point. Every day waking up is a fresh start, as the sun rises over a blank canvas, we have the ability to let God paint us a new portrait. Today isn’t the end, and while it did not go as I hoped, and at the end of the day I am hurt, and disappointed, God knows and if it be His will, He will work it out. I started off the day whimsical and excited. As I end the day, I do so in silence, alone by candle light. How I wish I could boldly go on a starship and explore strange new worlds, and seek out new life. I find myself longing for life among the stars where the motivation of human society is no longer the accumulation of wealth but rather the betterment of all mankind. Where hunger, and homelessness is no longer a thing, and people have their needs and wants met, while exploring and growing humanity. Even being lost in the Delta Quadrant on Voyager doesn’t seem so bad. Perhaps one day. For now, look to one another and show kindness, respect, and above all, show love. We are to love our neighbor as God has loved us. Are we loving, and caring, sharing the truth of the Gospel? Hardships come and all we can do is trust in God, let go, and in all we do, all we say, do so to the Glory of the one who created it all, do so to bring a smile upon God’s face. Let’s release our selfishness and ask how we can serve others, and find joy in bringing happiness and love to a world around us that desperately needs it. 

Live Long and Prosper my friends. Go in Love. 

Chronic

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Chronic

Chronic pain is something that afflicts so many people. What is chronic pain? As defined by the Clevland Clinic “Chronic pain is pain that lasts for over three months. The pain can be there all the time, or it may come and go. It can happen anywhere in your body. Chronic pain can interfere with your daily activities, such as working, having a social life and taking care of yourself or others. It can lead to depression, anxiety and trouble sleeping, which can make your pain worse. This response creates a cycle that’s difficult to break.” (professional, C. C. medical. (n.d.). Chronic pain: What is it, causes, symptoms & treatment. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/4798-chronic-pain) Chronic pain is something according to the CDC “During 2021, an estimated 20.9% of U.S. adults (51.6 million persons) experienced chronic pain, and 6.9% (17.1 million persons) experienced high-impact chronic pain (i.e., chronic pain that results in substantial restriction to daily activities)” So what does this mean? What if you’re a veteran? According to the VA “1 in 5 Veterans report persistent pain • ~1 in 10 Veterans report severe persistent pain • ~1 in 3 Veterans have been diagnosed with a condition related to chronic pain” I’m a 40-year-old male combat veteran. I spent over a decade working in the security industry which is difficult on the body. I have a neck injury that now leaves me with severe chronic pain, and as it degrades, the pain worsens and makes life far more difficult. What does it say? It can lead to depression, anxiety, and trouble sleeping? On top of the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) the depression is very real. I’m used to feeling pain before I go to bed, and the pain medication I have is vital to take before I go to bed. The hard part, is when I wake up in the morning with pain, and there’s a need to start my day with medication. Sadly, some days are worse when the pain is more severe from the moment I wake. There are days when the act of getting out of bed is extremely challenging. There are days when all I want to do is cry because the struggle to do anything is so strong. 

As I am nearing 40 years old in just a few days, I find myself struggling with recent diagnosis of my neck, and knowing there is nothing I can do to take the pain away, it’s disheartening. The surgery that was planned was canceled due to a counsel of surgeons deciding the original plan would fail, and a much more severe and extensive surgery would be needed. However, regardless of the necessity, my age prevents the desire to do the surgery now. While the meds do help a little, the medication has a negative side. What happens when you are on a narcotic medication for years? The biggest issue is when the medication creates a tolerance and becomes less effective. The physical pain is bad, but it’s nothing compared to the emotional toll it takes. The inability to do daily activities because of pain makes simple and basic tasks like housework, and yardwork nearly impossible some days. When you don’t want to do activities with your significant other, or friends, it makes you feel bad, and for me, ashamed. At the age of 40 and looking at a major neck fusion surgery, that will remove 100% of my mobility, I have not been sure of my place in this world. 

Because of my chronic issues, I had to retire early, but have not received social security. Not receiving social security has affected my income. As a disabled veteran I do get veterans benefits, but it is certainly not enough to take care of a family financially. As a man, and head of the household, I feel shame for not feeling like I am doing a good job providing for my family. How does a man determine value? 

I’m not trying to drum up sympathy, on the contrary, I want to spread awareness. I by no means have everything figured out on how to manage severe chronic pain. I have attended VA chronic pain management groups and therapies. I have attended recreational therapies, and while most of it has not taken away the pain, but, some of the techniques on how to manage have proven slightly affective. What does help with chronic pain? A strong faith foundation. 

Psalm 13:5-6

“5 But I have trusted in Your mercy;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

6 I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

We may never know why there is so much suffering, except for knowing we live in a broken, fallen, sinful world. Suffering started the day Eve ate of the fruit, and Adam and Eve were exiled out of the garden. God told them they would face hardships, they would have to work hard, childbirth would be painful, and by the sweat of Adam’s brow he would till the earth. When we look at suffering in scripture, the book of Job is the height of this. After Job confronts God, and God replies in the most amazing and eloquent way, Job sees the truth. 

Job 42:1-6

Then Job answered the Lord and said:

2 “I know that You can do everything,

And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.

3 You asked, ‘Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?’

Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,

Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

4 Listen, please, and let me speak;

You said, ‘I will question you, and you shall answer Me.’

5 “I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear,

But now my eye sees You.

6 Therefore I abhor myself,

And repent in dust and ashes.”

Pain builds endurance. If we are faithful, our suffering should draw us near to God. This life is hard, and in it we will face an abundance of challenges. We will face hardships, and hurt. I do not necessarily believe when James talked of “whenever you face trials of many kinds,” he was referring to chronic pain. While I’m not sure he was referring to this particular trial, I will say, the lesson remains true. “3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4) Facing these hardships is not easy, and I find myself having difficulty in navigating life recently. I struggle with the day-to-day routine, as I am always in pain. I do not know why God has seen fit for me to go through this, but I know he has a reason. I have come to understand, we do not need to know the why, just know and understand God is sovereign, and no matter where we find ourselves, we need to know and believe God has a purpose. Assuming we did not put ourselves in the negative situation. I have often looked back and wondered if there was something I could have done differently to change things today. Should I have fought the VA for treatment and care for my neck from the beginning, instead of rolling over and taking the denial of responsibility. I didn’t fight for myself, and knowing there was a problem with my neck when I got out of the Army, my lack of treatment led to where I am today. It’s hard not to be angry about it, but knowing that anger won’t change anything, I have worked on letting it go. 

This life is short compared to eternity. For some people this life is full of more hardships, and letdowns, and heartache then others. Some people even Christians have an easier go of it than others. While everyone struggles, that struggle needs to build your endurance and faithfulness towards Jesus the Christ. We will never understand God’s plan this side of Glory. We will never see the fullness of the picture in which God sees. We will also never know the things God saved us from in this life. The ten second delay leaving the house saved us from a large car pileup. A delay in surgery kept us from dying on the table from a massive stroke. Paul says in scripture he prayed for God to remove a thorn in his side. We do not know what this was. Was it a physical ailment, this could very well be true from all the beatings, stoning, shipwreck, etc. Paul experienced. Without proper medical care, Paul may have developed significant physical pains. Was this a person or problem nonphysical, this too is a possibility. We don’t know. What we do know is Paul prayed, and God’s answer was no. He did not take it from him. 

2 Corinthians 12:7 “7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.”

While this could be a physical ailment, it could also be a person. We do not know, but no matter what it is, the takeaway is the same. Paul’s prayer went unanswered, and he was told that God’s grace is sufficient. 

Isaiah 48:10

Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;

I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

Do we believe in our heart of hearts, that God’s grace is sufficient, no matter what our affliction is? Do we trust that God’s plan is perfect and he is sovereign? I am in no way saying dealing with these things is easy, obviously it was not easy for Paul since he pleaded with God three times. We are being forged into something more, and that process is violent. In order to be forged into something battle worthy, something strong enough to endure the test of combat, we must undergo the extreme heat, and the pounding of steel on steel, to mold us into a weapon. God’s grace is sufficient, but he never leaves us defenseless. He has given to us His Armor, the Armor of God, made up on his attributes, we clothe ourselves with. We are given the sword, the shield, the breastplate, the helmet, the sandals, and the buckler. We do not battle alone, for God is with us. We face the challenges of this world, and no matter what we face, how we respond to it matters. How we respond to stimuli matters. We are to respond in all ways as God responds. We are to respond in a way that when we are judged by God, we are told ‘well done my good and faithful servant.’ The last thing any believer wants is to let down God the Almighty creator of Heaven and Earth, and everything in it. 

No one wants to be in pain every day. No one wants to have cancer, or experience loss. No one wants to feel like an outsider and feel like they are not welcomed. It’s hard when you feel these things. Growing up I was often an outsider wherever I found myself. My personality was always a bit different. My opinions of life were different, set apart. Today is no different. In recent months I have felt like an outsider, even unwelcomed in places I never thought I would feel I didn’t belong. Few people in my life know what it’s like to have this level of pain on a daily basis. Few people understand how bad it feels not to be well enough to work to bring home enough money to take care of your family. I say this in all sincerity, ‘show me all your scars, and I’ll show you the cross.’ Show you the Cross: Matty Mullins. Years ago, I found myself in the worst storm of my life, and I felt like I was on the worst sea, inflicted by a hurricane, and all my sails were broken. It was when I thought all hope was lost, Jesus showed up. Jesus was there with me, guiding me through the storm. Jesus showed me the light, and while it didn’t happen overnight, I found my peace in Jesus. I was in a war, and Jesus reminded me, he already won the battle. Jesus reminded me I was his, and nothing Satan could do would pluck me from his hands. Today, I feel like my wheels are spinning and I’m stuck in quicksand. I feel powerless to change anything in my life, and the hard truth is, maybe I’m not supposed too. Jesus is in control, and the hardest thing we can do when nothing is going right, let go, and let God.