Tag: Struggle

Wake UP

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Wake UP 

As most of you know, well, maybe not most, but anyone who knows me, knows I love the movie the Matrix, and not just the movie, but the whole series. The women in the red dress speech, speaks to the reality that is repentant sinners, verses, unrepentant sinners. I have said before, the only difference between myself, and Hitler, is that I am a repentant sinner, and he was not. Sure, I’m not a homicidal madman bent on world conquest, but I am a sinner, and at the foot of the cross, our sins have the same equal heavenly punishment; eternal damnation in Hell. I saw someone post recently, why does God allow animals to suffer since they have no sin. That’s a fantastic question, but simple to answer; animals were the care of Adam and Eve, along with the plants in the Garden of Eden. Sin, is not just what we do, but a corrupting force that affected not just Adam and Eve, but the plants and animals also. There was no death in the garden, but an animal had to die to for God to make garments of skin. I think many people believe they had tree branches for clothing, but scripture is clear. An animal suffered the first physical death because of what Adam and Eve had done. Time also entered the Earth. The decay of time begun, and since then, we are all slaves to it, and we are all victims to the sad decay that time brings. Sin, brings this upon us, and sadly animals while innocent, have a new nature in the world of sin. As a friend and pastor once said, in the Garden you could have had a pet raptor, now that raptor would eat you. But in today’s current world, you see a lion is no longer tame, but a predator. Sin has wide reaching effects upon this fallen world. 

I have been looking at my life and have thought recently, I would wake up from this nightmare. Finding out just a couple short weeks ago, that my Aorta is dangerously large, and would require immediate surgery, has been a waking nightmare. I have, in that short time, experienced many emotions and have lost an untold number of tears. How could this be happening to me? As a friend told me recently, “I’ve never seen anyone with a worse hand delt to them.” That same friend years ago said, “IF it wasn’t for bad luck bro, you wouldn’t have any luck at all.” I have begun thinking about what he said, and while on the surface it looks true, I think there’s more going on than that. It wasn’t luck that we found the Aorta; it was God. It wasn’t luck that I had the hernia that led to the surgery, that led to the gas in my chest, that led to us finding the Aorta, it was God. Lucky, or God? If I had only bad luck, would I have not just died some random time? There is no denying, I have endured more hardships than most people, but God has seen me through each of them. At no point was I ever alone, and going all the way back to my childhood, God has placed the right people in my life, to help me through hardships. Bad luck, or Godly providence? It wasn’t luck we (My squad) survived the ambush in Iraq, it was God’s providence. What does providence mean? I’m glad you asked, Providence means: the protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power. (Dictionary.com) It was not luck I survived the GSW in 2016, but God’s providence. In that lowest time of my life, I found myself looking up, and there was the Lord’s hand, to grab me and bring me to life. I had been trying my whole life to keep one foot in the bible, and the other in the world. I was trying to live both lives, and eventually a battle had to happen in my life, and forced me to kill off one side. That bullet, for all intense in purposes, that bullet killed the other side of me. The saving grace from God, and the forgiving nature, was supernaturally experienced, as I lay there dying in the ambulance, I was hearing the voice of God, in a thunderous reply to my sincere apology for my actions and wrong doings, “You’re Forgiven.” I awoke a new man. Today, I am now 48 hours from life changing surgery. Through all these hardships, it is not luck that has allowed me to survive, but God’s grace, and His divine plan. My hardships have not been to punish me, but rather to forge me in the fires of trials, so that I may have a glorious divine testimony. God works out the details, and if we just take a moment to seek His face, we would see Him working in our lives. But, it requires trust, and faith. 

The life I have lived, while difficult, has left me with a great understanding of God’s grace, and sovereignty. It is this sovereignty that gives me hope, because I know, that no matter what happens to me in this life, my soul is His. I am merely a clay pot for God’s choosing and purpose. No matter what happens to me in this life, I know that into his hands, my soul is His, and one day this broken body, will be upgraded to one of glory, adorned with a crown. I long for home, but know that as long as I draw breath, God’s plans for me are to continue to share the Love of Christ, the Holy Scripture in which He has left us, to live our lives by. My whole purpose is to be the hands and feet of God. What an honor it is to serve the Lord on high. What an honor it is to be given the opportunity to teach about Jesus, and His life, and for myself to learn and grow closer to God. I am nobody without God, but because of God, I have value. My value comes from God dwelling within me, otherwise I am a dead sinner. God didn’t come to earth because I have value, God came to earth so I would have value. God has shown me the nature of humanity, the depravity that curses our actions, our thoughts, the blackness upon our souls. But with the blood of Jesus, we see that blackness washed away. We see the change in a person as they are born again, when they accept the name of Jesus, repent of their once wicked ways, and takes up their cross daily to follow Jesus. What an honor it is to be chosen by God, to be predestined, to be counted among the few, to worship, honor, and bring Him glory. How can I complain about a heart surgery, when I cannot say with certainty what is good or bad in this life. I do not mean what is good or bad regarding sin nature, but that which happens to us, from breaking ones arm, to getting into a firefight in Iraq, to losing a wife to an affair. There is certainly difficulty in these things, but for us to say if something is good or bad, we cannot. Things direct our path, and we cannot say if one event is bad, because if that “bad” event pushes us towards a new path, one of peace, and prosperity, or even a sinner repenting and coming to Jesus, then, those things are not bad, they are just, things. Sin is bad. How we respond can be good or bad. Do we respond in a way that is of this world? Things like yelling, throwing tantrums, saying or doing hurtful things to people. Being selfish, or prideful. These things are bad because they are not of God. Good, is being patient, listening before speaking, being faithful, edifying and lifting up with our words. Allowing ourselves to do good works in the name of Christ, so He is glorified, not so we may receive credit, but that God gets the glory. These things are good. 

I have come to find, that even though I am a faithful follower of Christ, that does not mean my mind always cooperates the way I think it should. I have found myself struggling with emotions leading up to this surgery. Some fear, not of death, but that I will be a burden for others to take care of. Even being a burden for someone else to take care of, allows others to be the hands and feet of Christ. Things like this, allows others to be the hands and feet of Christ, through mercy, and grace, love; by ways of sending cards, food, gifts, messages, etc. What looks bad, may be a way for us to show our faithfulness to a Holy God. Following Jesus is not an easy thing, in fact, it’s darn hard sometimes. Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength I have to say Hallelujah. Sometimes the storm shakes and breaks me down, but even when the storm rips the sails, and I’m at the mercy of the waves, I say Hallelujah. When Satan’s attacks are more than I can take, and I’m down on the ground, bleeding, tired, that’s when even my whisper brings the legion of Angels sent by God to surround me and pick me back up. God is always faithful, and no matter what happens in this life to us, God deserves our praise, our worship, our song of Hallelujah. When it isn’t easy, and life truly is pounding upon your Armor of God, may the Holy Spirit, and the legion of Angels come to minister to you, the reinforcements waiting for the word from God to come to your side, if they aren’t already there. It may be the hardest thing in the world to go through, but what is a few 70-90 years of hardships to an eternity of Heaven? Do we think Christ didn’t go through hardships? Let us seek scripture; John 12:27- “Now My soul has become troubled; and what shall I say, ‘Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify Your name.” Then a voice came out of heaven: “I have both glorified it, and will glorify it again.” So the crowd of people who stood by and heard it were saying that it had thundered; others were saying, “An angel has spoken to Him.” Jesus answered and said, “This voice has not come for My sake, but for your sakes. Now judgment is upon this world; now the ruler of this world will be cast out. And I, if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to Myself.” But He was saying this to indicate the kind of death by which He was to die. The crowd then answered Him, “We have heard out of the Law that the Christ is to remain forever; and how can You say, ‘The Son of Man must be lifted up’? Who is this Son of Man?” So Jesus said to them, “For a little while longer the Light is among you. Walk while you have the Light, so that darkness will not overtake you; he who walks in the darkness does not know where he goes. While you have the Light, believe in the Light, so that you may become sons of Light.”       These things Jesus spoke, and He went away and hid Himself from them.

— John 12:27-36

Jesus became burdened knowing His time was soon to come, the purpose of his human life was nearly at hand. A burden we can know nothing of since we have never tasted Heaven. A burden of leaving perfection for this sinful place. Jesus, a perfect person, lived among hardships, illness, suffering, and He Himself, knowing Heaven, it must have been difficult to live in such conditions. Knowing he would undergo a death so hard, we cannot fathom the pain he endured. For an infinite being to taste death, the first time the forever trinity would see just what death was like, is more than any mortal being can understand. Our time is linier, but Jesus would be both God and man at the same time. Jesus would later bleed through His pours as he would sweat blood from the stress He was preparing to endure. Our savior Jesus Christ, knows our struggles. He has endured them as well, so here we are, preparing for hardships in our own lives, let us focus on Him. 

The struggle keeps us focused on God, so we would not become too prideful, or self-focused. Hardships build character, and perseverance. Let us seek God and I can think of no better way to say this than which has already been said. 

Hard Fought Hallelujah. 

I’ll bring my hard-fought heartfelt

Been-through-hell hallelujah

I’ll bring my storm-tossed, torn-sail

Story to tell hallelujah

God, You’ve been patient

God, You’ve been gracious

Faithful whatever I’m feeling or facing

So I’ll bring my hard-fought, heartfelt

It is well hallelujah

I’ve wrestled with the darkness

But I’m trying to reach for the light

Yeah, the struggle keeps me honest

And it breaks down the walls of my pride

‘Cause faith isn’t proven like gold

‘Til it’s been through the fire

Yeah, yeah

My head, heart and hands are feeling heavy

And that’s when I lift them just a little higher

Let us remember that no matter what we endure, what is this trouble when heaven is forever? 

1 Peter 5:10 “10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” We are being refined daily, sanctified to purify us like the gold, placed in the fire, to separate the world, from the Holy. It is well, with my soul, that these hardships, the fire I endure, the storms that rage on around me, should bring me to God, to seek his Glory, to seek His face, to let him continue to forge me like a beautiful sword, needing to be heated, beaten, shaped, forged in the fires of trials, to be prepared for the war waging all around me. I may shed tears, but God holds them in His hands. I may struggle at times, but His strength raises me up. I may fall, but His hand pulls me out of the water. I may be in the middle of the fire, but His presence stops me from being burned. I may be a prisoner to my sinful self, but His angels comfort me, and break the bonds that once kept me captive to this world. So, let us seek God, and know that our tomorrow is not of this world, but a beautiful place where there is no sin, no tears, no suffering. So, in leu of this hardship, it is well, with my soul. My heart beats, and will beat again. I will have a story to tell, to share, and I shall not allow the Devil to lie to me, to sway me, to belittle me, to bully me into feeling sorry for myself. I am a child of God, and I am a warrior for Christ. I will stand tall, I will heal, and I will carry on the fight. I will hold my ground, even if I’m battered, and bruised, even if my body is broken, I will dig in and hold fast this line, because God is in my corner, and if God is for me, who than can be against me? I’ve been through hell, but to Jesus I say Hallelujah. Thank You, Jesus for my hardships, and for being Lord in and over my life. It is well, with my soul. 

Let us wake up and see the nature of this life and though there is sin in this world, it is those we seek who seek answers in this life. Those willing to be unplugged from the world, let us share the Gospel so the truth may find those who Jesus has chosen. Let us be warriors for Jesus, to wake up those asleep, for it is only God’s word that can wake the sleepers. God’s word is power, and let us share the Gospel of peace, and know that Jesus overcame death, so we would live in his resurrection. This world is a minefield, but the word of God never returns void, so let us be warriors, soldiers for the Lord. Change comes from the Spirit. We cannot remain the same when the spirit awakens our hearts and it beats again. We cannot live in sin and Jesus at the same time. Wake up, oh sleeper, wake up and see your breath Jesus has given to you. With all malice put away your sinful self. Cut that sin out of your life, and be at peace in the Lord. Wake up and feel the change within your heart. Wake up, and know it is well, with your soul. 

For more find devotionals and bible lessons YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCV3r024gS2FRDIbpqnsDwWA

A Scream In The Car

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A recent night, things came to a head and I found myself about to leave the house on an emergency run to Walmart. Before leaving I had to let out the anger and frustration inside. I took a deep breath and let out the long scream from my lungs. Knowing hardships come and dealing with them does not free us of those frustrations or anger during hardships. Hardships come to all, and as Christians we expect it. Jesus faced unimaginable hardships, persecution, torture and death. James 1:2-4 2 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

The trials I have had these last couple weeks have tested my patience and have forced me to dig deep into my faith. It has been a challenge but I know the difficulties will pass, the storm shall calm, and I will have grown from the challenges and persevered against an enemy that means to destroy me. Have faith my brothers and sisters, and keep fighting the good fight.

Do we Trust 

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Do we Trust 

Hardships are simply part of this world. Some things we bring upon ourselves. Some things we face are due to other sinful people. And some things are acts of nature allowed by God. When we choose the wrong partner, quit a job for dumb reasons, turn to a substance for comfort, acts of crime or just do something stupid, those things we bring upon ourselves. When your house is burgled, someone spreads rumor or lies about you, these are products of living around sinners. When the person at the grocery store is rude towards you, or your significant other cheats, these things are things from sinful people. Acts of nature are storms, flat tire, water heater going bad, illness, etc. We must understand where hardships come from and why. 

It’s been 7 years since I was broken to the bedrock of my existence. Where I experienced a nuclear bomb exploding, and I watched my life turn from what looked like a good life from the outside, and even appeared that way to myself, to a broken down, foundation cracking, life altering experience. 

I think back to Paul riding to Damascus with orders to bring those of the way to “Justice”. Paul, a man of prestige, wealth, power, notoriety, a zealous man, bringing forth his version of Justice to those who follow “the way”. He was a persecutor of the church. So why then would he become one of them? God has a tendency to uproot our lives and set us on a different path. What I didn’t know at that time in my life 7 years ago, was, what Satan meant for evil, the Lord used for good. 

I have spoken about the specificity of what happened to me before, and debated whether to talk about it again, or not. I was angry, and lost, and couldn’t imagine why a loving God would bring me to the point I was at in my life. Why would he allow the sinful nature of someone else bring me to where I was. Why would he allow me to be hurt like that? The fact is, Sinful people hurt sinful people. We do not live our ‘best life now’, because God saves that for Heaven. We as Christians will face the bumpy road, the road of toil and troubles. Satan often tries to show us the easy, straight path, and in our nature, we want the path of ease, comfort, and peace. Sadly the kind of peace most seek is not the same peace scripture tells us to aspire to live in. We often take what Satan offers to us. We take the first step, we give in to the first temptation, and before we know it, we are neck deep in sinful thoughts, decisions, and despair. 

But God, will often use what we go through to help others. God will often use our past, post salvation, to help others walk the path. Our testimony is a powerful tool for sharing or providing an opening for the Gospel, but feelings do not equate to truth, so be careful not to confuse the two. While my testimony is a very emotional one, I would not want anyone to confuse my emotional testimony as proof the gospel is real. My testimony does not need to prove anything, except what the gospel and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has done for me. The gospel and holy scripture speaks for itself. There is proof in scripture, and evidence can be found in extra biblical sources if one truly seeks to find the truth. We as people often don’t want to know the truth. “The truth…All it did was anger those who preferred lies and confusion and backspinning in the hope of making themselves look better.” (Eli, pg. 288, Thrawn) We see the Pharisees in scripture look at truth in the face, and rejected it. The truth however can be powerful, as the saying goes, ‘no one knowingly dies for a lie.’ 

I would die for my faith if I had too, or at least I say I would. We never truly know what we would do until we are put in that situation. I’ve also heard, and as fitting as today is, ‘terrorists die for the faith they believe in all the time.’ And while yes this is also true, it is what they believe. Consider this however, if the conspiracy theory is actually true, that the apostles made up the Jesus story, why then, would they, who would have beyond a doubt known the truth, give up their lives for a lie? Scripture airs out the dirty laundry of the characters in the book. The highs and lows of every character is put out there for the world to see. The truth has remained the test of time because it is the truth. As I have posted before, women were chosen to be the first eye witnesses of the empty tomb. https://thearrowpreacher.com/2018/08/13/women-why-women/ The men in scripture who’s mistakes were written to show their imperfection, and the contrast, Jesus who became sin so those who believe and look upon Him in faith, may be saved from our sentence of eternal torment in Hell. There were so many eye witnesses to the risen Jesus, the Roman empire could not silence the movement. 

Risen For You

“When the Apostils watched in horror as their Lord was nailed to a cross after being brutally beaten, they were crushed in spirit. They were utterly without hope, but after 3 days the blood debt was paid, the victory lap had been made, and Christ would rise and make himself seen fulfilling the prophesy and destroying deaths hold over the sinner for all eternity.” (Arrow Preacher, ‘Peace’, https://thearrowpreacher.com/2018/04/06/peace/)

In 2018 I wrote and shared a paper about truth. 

Fighting Terrorism

Bad things happen all the time, and at the heart of all this is, do we trust God’s plan? As we look at today being the 9/11 anniversary, do we trust in God’s plan? When you hurt, do you trust God’s plan? When someone you care about is take from you, do you trust in God’s plan?

We don’t always get the answers to why, but we do have answers to why in a broad scope. We live in a fallen world, and sin runs abound. We look at the life of Job, Joseph, Jeremiah, Paul, and the martyrs that came after. Why did they suffer for their faith? God had a plan, and all we can do is trust in that plan. 

Why God?

Trusting in the plan may be one of the hardest things we do, perhaps even harder than accepting God as savior. I have seen so many walk away from the faith when things get hard, or when they lose family members. The hardships will come and keep coming. Hardships as I spoke of recently are sometimes thrust upon us, sometimes we bring these things upon ourselves. Our choices matters and we should live a cautious tale of blaming God for hardships we face. We are not the only ones that face hardships of our own making. The Israelites complained and sinned before a Holy God just days after being freed from the bondage of servitude in Egypt. Their complaints and actions caused the forty-year exodus. An entire generation doomed themselves to live out their days in the desert. 

Numbers 21:4-7

4 Then they journeyed from Mount Hor by the Way of the Red Sea, to go around the land of Edom; and the soul of the people became very discouraged on the way. 5 And the people spoke against God and against Moses: “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and our soul loathes this worthless bread.” 6 So the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and many of the people of Israel died.

7 Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, “We have sinned, for we have spoken against the Lord and against you; pray to the Lord that He take away the serpents from us.” So Moses prayed for the people.

To this point, the Lord God has taken care of His people, delivering them from Egypt, enemies, hunger, and thirst, yet they complain at the first sign of trouble. But God, sends a sign, 

Numbers 21:8-

8 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Make a fiery serpent, and set it on a pole; and it shall be that everyone who is bitten, when he looks at it, shall live.” 9 So Moses made a bronze serpent, and put it on a pole; and so it was, if a serpent had bitten anyone, when he looked at the bronze serpent, he lived.

Do we look upon the cross and have faith? We are told through scripture; we are saved by faith and faith alone. Mirroring Numbers, we look upon the cross and have faith because Jesus had to die for us. We are wretched sinners, who bring most of our troubles upon ourselves, and we must repent of those sins and trust in Jesus. The Father’s will is sovereign and we must trust his plan. I heard this recently, “Why y’all blamin’ God for your problems? Most of y’all’s problems came from not listening to Him to begin with.” (Unknown) 

When we choose not to live in God’s will, we cannot complain when things go badly. When we are out having unprotected sex with anyone we want, why do we blame God for getting pregnant, or sick? When we choose drugs instead of church, why do we blame God for our families falling apart? When we lie, cheat, steal, and live in our sexual immorality, knowing God cannot bless those things, why are we surprised when hardships come to our door? 

Years ago I wrote this “If we are to live our lives on our path, we need to focus on what kind of character in God’s game we want to be. We have our option to how we behave.” (Arrow Preacher, https://thearrowpreacher.com/2018/03/27/god-the-ultimate-dungeon-master/) While my understanding of God has changed since the writing of this post, and I have grown, I do still maintain, some things we bring on ourselves because of our actions, and some things are going to come our way no matter what we do. We must understand that troubles build character, and in all things, good and bad we must turn to the Lord. 

Romans 5:3-5

3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

On this anniversary of 9/11, have faith in the Lord. In the midst of troubles, in a sinful, and fallen world, we must turn our face to the Father, and trust no matter what comes our way, we are soldiers on the front lines, and we fight the good fight every day. We must trust in the Father, and know that Jesus is at the right hand of the father moderating for you and I. We must trust that the Holy Spirit is with us daily, and we are never alone in the fight. We must continue to grow in our faith, and in our knowledge of God’s Holy Word. Continue to learn, get off of the milk and onto the meat of scripture. 

Today, the seventh of anniversary that I gave my life to the Lord. I succumbed to my own sin, and having realized I cannot do anything without the Lord with me, I gave my life to Him, and finally listened to the call, God put upon my heart. I began to serve, and continue to serve. Since then, while my life is full of hardships, I have hope. I struggle with money, with food, with my living situation, with my health, and in no way did choosing to follow God, make my life easy. It did not. My problems did not magically disappear. Money did not begin flowing my way. I was not miraculously healed of my major infirmities. Choosing to follow and trust in Jesus does not mean everything will be easy. On the contrary, choosing Jesus is like grabbing a Kevlar, and joining the front lines of the war. Being a soldier on the front line is never easy, but knowing what the cost of not knowing Jesus is, there is no argument to not trust in Jesus. Jesus is “the way the truth and the life, no one gets to the father except through ‘me’.” Put your hope in him as I have. Sometimes life is still hard and full of pain, but through the pain, hope and peace are multiplied to you. It’s never too late to choose Jesus. It’s never too late to see the truth that scripture is real, it is truth, and we are wretched sinners in need of a savior. 

Path In The Dark

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Path In The Dark

Recently I was asked why it was I don’t write as much as I once had. Or, why I haven’t written lately. I must admit it was a fairly thought-provoking question. If I’m honest with myself, the reason I haven’t written, or filmed any new YouTube videos, isn’t very flattering. I suppose the biggest part of the question is being honest, and truly giving it thought. It’s always easy to make up something, and blow it off like it’s no big deal, but that’s not being honest, and worst of all it’s not being honest to myself. Sometimes the truth is painful, and it isn’t easy to say out loud. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit what’s been buried or kept deep down. So, what’s the truth? I’ve been afraid as Colonel Jessep once said, “You can’t handle the truth.” 

The truth is, after returning from the war, about a year after, I had a fairly significant break down, which led to me being diagnosed with PTSD. This led to me going into a therapy which at the time was fairly new and revolutionary. I went to the EMDR therapy for several weeks, working on my war time trauma. While this left me better, and in more control over the PTSD, I was left with long lasting issues, one of which was MDD, or Major Depressive Disorder. Not long after I would leave the military due to a knee injury. I would go through some significant problems in the years to come after the military, to include two very rough and hard divorces. So, what does all that mean for me now? Let us fast forward till 2022. This year I have been met with some significant challenges. In march I was assaulted at my job, and left me with a significant chest injury, and ankle injury. The ankle in October is still not back to what it was before March. March was the last time I would work. In June I would suffer a significant knee injury, which still is not healed. Within months of the Knee, I would have a major kidney stone that would take months to remove by surgery, which the healing time has been 5 weeks so far as of this writing. These injuries and illnesses have prevented me from doing most of the physical activities I would enjoy. In August of 2022 I would have a freak neck injury, which recently found out to be a worsening of a bulged disc in my neck, which has been problematic since my neck surgery in 2017. So, as you can see, this year has been one injury after another. 

The next part, I would like to preface, God works everything out. God’s plan is greater than our plans, and his understanding is beyond anything we could ever comprehend. In September I was passed over for a position I had applied for. Hindsight it was for the best due to my current disability status, but for me the hurt was real, and at the time I didn’t know I was going to see my disability status change. Regardless of the change in my status, the hardest part is feeling like I’m no longer needed. I guess I could say for several months I have felt like I’ve been fairly useless. Doing yard work has been such a challenge, that even when I do the work, the toll is very steep. The price I pay for a day’s worth of work around the yard, is two to three days of significant back and neck pain. The emotional toll is worse than the physical one. Feeling like I am useless at church, feeling like my contributions are small and not feeling needed anymore, to knowing how hard it is, and how little I can do around my own home is detrimental. My self-esteem has taken a major hit, and this year, for the vast majority of the year my emotional state has been fairly bad. In fact, my depression levels have been in the severe range for months (as of this writing). 

Depression these last several months has made it difficult for me to do even the most basic of tasks… Laundry, dishes, straightening clutter, vacuuming, dusting. Then there’s the more significant stuff, hanging out with friends, wanting to go do anything, exorcising what I can. There were several months I wouldn’t watch new shows because it required too much thought. Reruns were more comfortable and safer. My self-esteem has been so low I have not had many positive thoughts about myself in months. I looked at myself as being a failure. I questioned my value in life. I questioned my worth and my purpose. 

Most of my depression has been kept a secret. In public I smile, I laugh, I joke, and I say everything’s going fine. The only thing the average person knew was my physical issues, largely because I couldn’t hide them. My depression has been so bad I have had a hard time reading anything new, studying, and even listening to any new podcasts. The only thing that hasn’t been too affected is my prayer life, but even that isn’t where it should be. I have struggled so much, I haven’t been able to get myself to study to film my vlog. 

I have sat back and, on many days, I have had my phone next to me and it never rang. No text, no calls, no messages. I have sat up night after night suffering through insomnia with no one to talk too. I have felt useless, not needed, not wanted, broken, and lonely. 

I am very aware of the spiritual warfare I have been enduring this year. I have been in prayer about it, and I have asked for guidance and His strength to see me through. I have not given up hope, and I do not write because I look for pity, or sympathy. I have learned, sometimes writing is just good for the soul. Sometimes it’s good to put down what you feel to paper. I don’t know where my tomorrow goes, and what I’m supposed to do with it, but I know I trust God and His plan. I know I am not alone even though most of the time it feels like it. Two of the hardest things to deal with is having these new physical restrictions, and feeling like I am no longer needed, which in turn has made me question what my purpose was. Sadly, I am no closer to finding it than I was 3 months ago. Finding that I would be passed over for a job, was hard for me. The fact it happened and it didn’t seem like anyone cared about how it felt. No one asked if I was okay, or checked on me. The day the announcement was made, it was smiles, and laughs, and I was with everyone. It hurt deeply that no one, not one, said anything to me about how it must feel knowing how much I wanted that position. As I said, it’s a blessing now because I’m 100% disabled, but that’s only hind-sight. It was very emotionally painful to go through that. The following months my presence has felt more and more unnecessary.

I don’t know much these days, and watching as my health concerns get worse, and now getting to the point where I need help, I am left with financial concerns for how to take care of my family. I am left with physical concerns, how to take care of the home, emotional concerns, where I am meant to be and what to do. I am a late 30’s year old man, who lives in a tent, on a small fixed income, with a body that’s failing, a purpose that seems to be gone, in a place I feel useless. Whether this is true or not, it’s how I feel. As I said before, I know this is all spiritual warfare and I know God is in control, and I trust in Him, and I still have joy, and I look forward to the day I see Jesus in Heaven. I look forward to the day my body is restored and no longer broken. I look forward to the day when the hardships of my past are no longer a burden to carry. While there are things in this life I still want to experience, I cannot deny the daily hardships. Chronic pain is not easy to deal with, especially when it keeps you in bed. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I will continue to wake up every day the Lord has me in this world. I will continue to ask his grace and mercy, and forgiveness for my shortcomings. I will continue to ask for His guidance and will for my life. I will continue to ask his hand be put over me to give me courage, and strength to keep pushing forward and getting up every day. The mountain of stuff I’ve experienced this year have been considerable, I cannot deny the toll it’s taken on me both physically and emotionally. To say it’s been a struggle has been an understatement. While I still have new physical stuff to deal with, and a crushing weight of emotional hardships, I will keep up the fight and do the best I can. I guess, the moral of the story is, whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. My situation may not be the same is yours, but we all have our hardships to face. Keep seeking God and keep looking to him for guidance. You’re not alone out there, and while I cannot ever promise it’ll get better in this lifetime, I can promise heaven, the promise Jesus gave to us, that all who truly believe in him, repent of sins, and Love God with all your heart, will enter into the kingdom, a place of perfection. Hope is in Jesus, and knowing Him, and growing your relationship with him, well… That’s what’s kept me going. People will fail you. Struggles will befall you. Your body may grow frail, but Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is there, and his promise is stronger than anything known to man. Know Jesus, and let him into your heart. Let him transform you, so that even in the heart of the storm, you have peace, and joy. While I do live with major depressive disorder and other physical issues, I have maintained joy in my heart. Not for another day here on Earth, but that when my job here is done, whatever that may be, I’ll be able to go home. I’ll be able to leave this body, for a new one. I’ll be able to dance with the angels and rejoice over the King of Kings. I have prayed that when I get to Heaven, I’ll have a better singing voice so I can sing praises pleasing to the ear. Dance without pain for the Lord. Be at peace. 

Life was never going to be easy. Living in this world was going to come with trails and hardships, but through it all, Jesus gives us light and hope. You’re not alone and if you need help, reach out to someone. Find someone who can listen. Seek those who would give you Godly counsel. Seek those who will help you bear the burden and lift you up when you need it. Never stop seeking God and his guidance. Never stop the prayers and above all, don’t lose hope. May God bless you, and be with you, always. 

The Danger Zone

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The Danger Zone

When I accept Christ, that means I will have everything I want. When I accept Christ, life will be easy, and smell like roses, and rainbows will spring from my feet as I walk. God wouldn’t want me to suffer in this life. God wants me to have my best life now. 

This is not Christianity. Make no mistake, Christianity is not about the rewards of this life we live. Christianity is both easy and difficult at the same time. Christianity to many is about what we can do for God. How my good works, and being a good person allow me to make it into Heaven. Heaven, a place where everyone wants to go, but as Paul Washer once said, everyone wants to go to Heaven, not everyone wants God to be there. The beautiful thing about Christianity is the simplicity of it. We are born sinners, we are dead spiritually in our sins. We cannot be in Gods presence as a sinner, so Jesus, the Son of God came to lay down his life to take our place as a sacrifice for the repayment of our sins, which washes away our sentence of death. All we have to do is love God with all our heart mind and soul repent of our ways, and know Jesus is who he said he was, our savior, our sacrifice.

So, if all we need to do is to be a follower of Jesus to get to Heaven, why is that so hard? No works can earn you enough credits to pay the toll. No amount of good days, or good deeds can pay or bribe your way into the kingdom. We all deserve death. We all deserve to burn. Our feeble sentiments of what makes someone good is based on a human perspective, not that of a truly Holy God. We judge based on murder, rape, stealing, etc. But the truth is while here those hold different weighted punishments, before God, that lustful look, that little white lie, that tiny selfish idea, that thought of wanting what your neighbor has, all are punishable by death before a Holy God. Matthew 7:13-14 13 “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. 14 [a]Because narrow is the gate and [b]difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

Being a Christian is hard because the world hates you. Being a Christian is hard because when you are remade by the Holy Spirit, your sin becomes repugnant. You begin to hate the sinful nature of your wicked heart. You battle within yourself every day. You are shunned by the world, and you are called names, and in most countries you are hated to the point where you can be imprisoned or put to death. Being a Christian means moving out of the comfort of your home, the safety of your bed, and very possibly being in harms way. If you’re living a Christian life and you haven’t been called names, lost worldly friends, or even opportunities, living in the United States, I can say there’s a good chance you’re not doing it right. Today, within this country, if you follow scripture, and you put God as the final authority on what’s right and wrong, there’s a good chance half the country hates you. 

Some believe that living a Christian life comes with extra grace, and by grace they mean presents. Some believe that if you are a Christian and you plant that seed, you can be wealthy, free from disease, safe and happy in your warm bed. Let me show you what Christian means. Keep in mind, Christ said this, Mathew 16:18 18 And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it. Jesus is saying in this world there will be His church, and attacks will come from Satan and his entire army, but nothing Satan does will destroy the church. Meaning Christians are soldiers, we are soldiers in a war, not just of flesh and blood, but of souls, spiritual warfare. Satan would employ evil men to attack and kill Christians, but the church will emerge victorious by and through the power of Christ.  

Acts 7:59-60 “59 And they stoned Stephen as he was calling on God and saying, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” 60 Then he knelt down and cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not charge them with this sin.” And when he had said this, he fell asleep.”

Paul was beheaded in Rome after being stoned, imprisoned, shipwrecked, and more. 

It is written that James was beheaded along with one of his captorsto.

Legend says Matthew was beheaded in Ethiopia. 

James the Less was likely killed in one of two ways, he was killed by stoning, or tossed from the tower and when that didn’t kill him, he was pinned to the ground and killed by a fuller’s club. 

Matthias was said to be killed by stoning. 

Andrew was said to be killed by crucifixion on an X shaped cross. 

Mark was said to be dragged to pieces. 

Peter was said to be crucified upside down. 

Jude was crucified

Bartholomew was beaten and crucified 

Thomas was tortured, ran through with spears, then thrown into an oven. 

The number of those whos blood has been spilt in the name of Christ is beyond count. There are many more accounts of the brutality that has befallen the Christian. Christ said as many others have also stated, that troubles will come, and if they hate us, remember they hated Jesus first. How can we possible expect not to be in harms way? How can we expect life to be full of ease and worldly blessings, when everything we know of the attacks on the church show the exact opposite. 

Christ said they (the world) would know Christian by their fruits, and the love we show to others. What kind of fruit are you producing? Make no mistake, we are not saved by those fruits, but they are a biproduct of wanting to serve Christ. Are you willing to travel into the shadow of death? Are you willing to give it all up for Christ? Are you willing to fight the good fight? Are you willing to run the race, and go toe to toe with the best Satan has to throw at you? The road to heaven is not for the faint of heart, it’s not for those who want an easy road in this life. But I can assure you, that the reward of such a life is that of eternal paradise in perfection. Heaven is described a little in scripture, but more importantly there is no pain, no suffering, no tears. Mansions and an eternity with the creator of the universe. Life is but a vapor, a minuscule blip in the eternal. As scripture says, put on the full armor of God, and know how to protect yourself. As I say, cowboy up, and get ready for the fight. I may have been a United States Soldier, a Cavalry Scout, but the war in Iraq is nothing compared to the spiritual warfare I have encountered. We don’t know true persecution in this country, but I assure you, there is persecution that puts real Christians in harms way. In other countries they are put to death for their faith. 

This isn’t to scare you, but prepare you for the truth. To be a Christian is to jump onto that highway to the danger zone. To know that Christ suffered first, for us, so we would know the truth. Jesus is undefeated, will never be defeated, and as he overcame death and rose again on the third day, he saves us from death. Come fight this fight with me. Come and fight like those before us. Come and join the ranks of the minority, and trust in Christ. Christ did the hard work for us, he paid the price we couldn’t ever pay for. He will return and destroy evil. He will come again and every knee shall bow, every tongue will confess he is Lord. As for me, I would prefer to come to Christ and bow on my own, rather than wait till it’s too late. Choose life, choose eternal life with the Christ who loved us so much, he put on flesh, came, allowed his creation to spit, and torture, and slay his body. Christ said this, no one takes my life, but I lay it down freely, and I shall lift it up again. What kind of love must that be, to lay down ones life for their enemies. It’s easy to say you can lay down your life for someone you love, maybe even those you like, but to do so for someone that’s your enemy, that’s different. How about laying down your life for the murder on death row, or that child rapist, or the drunk driver that took away someone’s ability to walk, or even live. Would you give up your life for them? Jesus did. Jesus lived according to the scripture, he showed who he was, and the amount of evidence to prove he was who he claimed he was, is incontrovertible, when you actually take the time to look. So, I ask again, join me, fight the good fight, and lets face the wiles, the attacks of the Devil together, and lets go out and share the good news of Jesus Christ.