Tag: Near Death

Ashes to Ashes

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Ashes to Ashes

We often don’t think much about the draw of time on our bodies, or about time itself. I’ve been taking some time to think about what it was God said to Adam in the Garden of Eden just prior to his exile: 

By the sweat of your face

You will eat bread,

Till you return to the ground,

Because from it you were taken;

For you are dust,

And to dust you shall return.”

— Genesis 3:19

You must work, and work hard all the days of your life. You will eat the product of your work till your days end. This is the curse on which the human race is forced to live. Our lives are bound to the linear decay, a beginning, and an end of time. We face tomorrow with optimism, even though we have seen the perpetual onslaught of unanticipated trials and tribulations. While some people may plan for the future to have some struggles, it’s the reality that life will throw untold amount of struggles our way that we will never truly be able to plan for, or avoid. How do we handle life’s day to day struggles? We must face our lives with dignity and strength. How though is this done? When our struggle is the nature of time itself, we must understand our lives are truly only in the present. 

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, that it would worry for itself. Our lives are the moments in which we live. Sure, we can plan for tomorrow, but it’s the here and now, we must truly focus on. The little muscle in your mouth, what is said, how does it make others feel? What kinds of hurt does the tongue cause, and the damage does it do once those words are sent into the air. We cannot undo, nor can we live in the past. We often get stuck in a moment in time of the past. When I was a younger man, I experienced trauma, after trauma, after trauma, and in my own way, unbeknownst to those around me, I too remained trapped in moments of time. As a child, I learned how to use compartmentalization for every incident I faced. In a moment of weakness, a total loss of control, I faced my own mortality. A moment in time, when for a second, time seemed to stop. In that moment, the culmination of my failures tumbled down like castles built on sand, drowning in a tidal wave of regret, disappointment, and pictures of the trauma running through my mind. My world fell apart in a moment in time. But, since then, small moments have built upon one, and then another, and eventually life changed, and we rest upon today, this very moment where I am typing one word after another. I have survived trauma, after trauma, and several life changing events. I have overcome some pretty big obstacles as I have faced death head on, and God pulled me through, not myself. I do not have the power to beat death, but God has the power, that in me, He overcame the death of a soul, and as far as my physical body, God has seen fit to bring me through the brink of death, now many times over. A few weeks ago, my heart stopped as I lay in bed, aware the pacemaker would stop, and aware the inevitable outcome would likely be my heart stopping, and I would feel it slow, the world around me would fade, and black would surround me. The brink of death was upon me, and I had no control over it. When the time comes in our lives, the end of that verse will play out, from dust we came, from dust we shall return. God knows the date each of us will be conceived, and He knows the date we will draw our final breath. It’s this knowledge we must face the truth, there are only two things that truly matter in this life, our faith in Christ, and the people in our lives. 

On a regular basis we neglect the people in our lives by the things we say, the things we do, or more aptly, the things we don’t do. In reality, do we love others the way we should? Do we show that love to the people we care about? Do we show up when they need us the most? How do we spend our days, and what do we spend our days doing? What is it we focus on? What is it we put our time and effort into? These things often not only take our gaze off of our so called loved ones, but our Lord also. We have so little precious time with our loved ones, and yet we are derelict in our affections. Not only do we have sin in our lives against a Holy God, that sin goes out against those in our lives. Is the idol in our lives appointments? Is the idol in our lives, sports, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, or something else? We often fill our lives with stuff, and it’s that stuff that takes our focus from God, and the people in our lives. We let these many distractions of the world remove us from the lives of the people we once cared for. Days turn to weeks, turn to years, and we’ve all of a sudden lost track of people we once loved. The years creep in between, and before you know it, a car accident, an illness, something makes all the stuff we filled our lives with seem worthless and meaningless. How did we let so much time go by before we reached out? How did we let so much time go by before we told that person how we felt? How do we let that much time go by without talking to God? Time is not an ally, it’s an enemy. We can neither reason with it, or do anything to buy more of it. When time is up, it’s up. What did we do with the time that was given to us? Did we use it wisely, or did we waist it? Did we use the time God gave to us to glorify Him, and to share His gospel, to grow the kingdom? If we are evaluated on our time management, how well do we score? When sharing the love of Christ is the card in which we are judged. 

This is not a new perspective of mine, but rather one that has presented itself to me multiple times in my life. Having so many near death experiences tends to do that to a person. The difference now, rather than in my past, is in my past, I was the victim of hardships, rather than the survivor of hardships. My surviving, is not of my own doing, but the will of God. The will of God in my life is that He be glorified in my trials. Much like Steven, or Paul, Joseph, or Moses, praising God in the storm is how they got through it. Today, in this time, many people only praise God when life is good, but the moment something takes away that good feeling, God becomes the enemy. The reality is, we face a very real enemy in our lives, and it isn’t God. We are in a battle, just one we cannot see. All around us there’s a battle for our souls, and our lives. Demons roam this world sewing chaos, deception, and dissension among the mortal men. Angels go around nurturing those in need, bringing peace, and comfort, wisdom, and guidance. The war for our souls is won in Jesus Christ, because the end of time is already written, but today, here and now, we are still in the battle. Do we stand ready to fight in the here and now, or do we allow the world to dictate terms? Do we fight for what God told us to do, by loving one another thus fulfilling the Law? We are to love, and love takes effort. Love takes nurturing a baby fire, or a raging fire, but always tending to its needs. If the fire is left unattended, just like my fireplace, the fire will go out. Love takes action, and when we love the people in our lives, it takes action to show them love. How do we show up for them? Is it a text, or a call, a visit, or a card in the mail? With today’s technology, we have never been able to reach out to someone more easily to keep in touch, yet we have never been more distant from one another. Our own brilliance has been used as a tool by the Devil to separate us. Sadly, it worked. 

If heart surgery has taught me nothing else, it’s to cherish every moment. I myself am not afraid to die, in fact, in many ways, I long for it. That is not me wishing it would come today, but knowing what my tomorrow brings is something I long for. To have a glorified body, without the pain, without the tears, or the suffering of this world, but to live in paradise with the creator of the universe. The problem with death for a believer, is the hardships your absence brings to those who loved you and those you love. Sadly, I have seen it too often where the death of a friend is the catalyst that brings people together. It’s death that brings friends and family together who haven’t seen one another in years, who haven’t talked in that time. Death reminds us for a fleeting moment, that we haven’t talked in forever. Yet, in our day to day, we do nothing to change it. My wish for you is to look at your life and seek after those whom you love. Do not take time for granted because it isn’t your friend. Time slows, nor stops for anyone, and it bends it’s will to only our creator. What are you doing with the time given to you? One day we will return to the dust in which we were created. We cannot fight our expiration date. We may be able to extend life, or even push death back a little, but even those things are predestined by a Holy God. My open-heart surgery did not take God by surprise, and it is not lost on me that given this happened 30 years ago, I would likely have died. I was predestined to experience everything over the last few weeks, and how I handled them, do my actions highlight Christ, yes, or no? This is the biggest question I must answer for. Am I showing, and sharing love? Are people my focus, or is it other things? All these things I will answer for, along with my sins upon the day of judgment. Today is not the day I die, but perhaps, it’s the day I die to myself. Scripture tells us to die to one’s self, pick up thine cross and follow Christ. Carry that cross for all the world to see. Let the world know that you die to yourself, allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell inside you. Bringing your soul to life from the dead man/woman, you were. Being born again, and realizing the true bondage is that of sin, and that through sin, the world has a hold on you. The world tells you a load of lies, and we live according to them. What it means to be successful, to be beautiful, to be liked, or respected, but the biblical replies do not match with that of the world. Following Christ means we live different, we look different, we act different, we become different then the world. Our priorities change, and with that change, our relationships begin to change. Let us never forget why we are to love, and let us never forget what it means to love. Love is to lay down ones life for a friend. Love is to love like Christ loved and died for the church. Love is to be patient and kind, never jealous, never bragging or being arrogant. It never acts unbecomingly, and does not seek to lift up ones self, but lifting up others. It is not provoking, nor is it provoked. It does not keep track of the wrongs done, but washes away the wrong as our sins are washed away as if the slate was made new. Love, loves and rejoices in the truth, as it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Do we truly have the guile to say we love others like this? Many cannot say they truly love their own spouses like this. Yet, this is what we are called to do. This is how scripture defines love. This is the love we are called to love one another and our enemies, yet the smallest argument ends friendships. We face an enemy that is crafty like no other, and he wants to destroy you, to break you, to separate you, and ultimately, to devour your spirit, separating you from God. Satan uses time as his ally, and a weapon against humanity. While he cannot control time and space, he can entice us to forsake friends and family, and ignore our responsibilities. Sadly, we allow this to happen time and time again. 

I hope you read this and you find the time for old friends, and existing ones. I hope you find the time for your family, your spouse, your kids, but most importantly, that you find the time for God. My prayer is that you will seek God daily, and you give God the time He deserves. I pray you let go of worldly things that do little for your life, but does a lot to pull you away from important things. I’m not saying it isn’t okay to have hobbies like bowling, or fishing, hunting, or other things, but use those things to grow your relationships, or use those things to grow closer to God. While you’re fishing do you talk with God? While your bowling, do you share Jesus with your team, or the team next to you? While your kids are at soccer, do you let Jesus flow from your behavior? Let us use the time we have better. Let us continue to seek Jesus, and then share Jesus. Let us love others like we are truly called to love one another. Let us remember who the true enemy is, and focus on preparing for battle, because make no mistake, the next battle is right around the corner. Those who do not prepare, will be unequipped to handle it. We must be ready to fight, to hold fast, and know the word, so when the temptation comes, you can be ready with the word of God. Whole Armor of God, a soldier ready for the battle and never out of the fight. We fight till the day the Lord calls us home. Till that day comes, may God bless you, and may the Holy Spirit fill you, and let your cup fillith over.  

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The Best Captain 

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The Best Captain 

In the middle of a storm now, the ship tossed by the waves. Daylight isn’t on the radar right now, but this ship’s strong. It’s got the best captain guiding it. The ship creaks as the waves pound against her hull. I look up and see the mast groans as the waves crash over the deck. The sky’s been dark for many nights now. No stars to guide, but somehow the captain knows. We’ve all wondered how He knows, where are we going and how do we get there, when we can’t see? He tells us all He knows the way, and it’ll be okay. The ship’s old, but she’s not done yet. Her bones are tough, as the waves break upon her hull. Aye, the Captain tells us all to be of good cheer in the midst of the storm. “It build’s good character”, He yells from the helm. 

I’ve been on ship for 30 years now, and He’s not driven to land yet. He’s avoided disaster more times than I could count. The deep calls us all, and desires us to break apart in the storms. The deep has a mind of its own, but the Captain’s to resolved and maintains the course to prosperous seas. Sometimes I can hear the darkness beckon to me, it tells me all is lost. The Captain seems to always know, as it happens, Captain shouts encouragement to me. Many years ago, the dark nearly took me. I fell overboard when a rogue wave hit the ship so hard it jeered and I flew overboard. I thought for sure the waters would take me, but somehow, the Captain dove in and pulled me up. He said, ‘Your sailing days aren’t done yet.’ No more words were ever spoken about it, but I knew the Captain saw something in me that day. Didn’t have to risk Himself for me, but ever since, it’s felt like He’s kept a special eye on me. 

The sharks can be seen circling the ship. Do they smell blood in the water? Do they look forward to me being tossed overboard again? Minions of the dark they are. They seem scared of the Captain though. I swear sometimes I can hear the Captain say, ‘not today!’, and they flee from sight. I don’t know or understand the power the Captain has over the seas, but it’s like it bows to His commands. Even though the sea doesn’t always calm, we navigate through the storms and often in the darkest of nights, Captain’s always watchful. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the Captain never sleeps. Sometimes I take the helm, but as soon as I do it seems another storm billows in, and He’s right back on the wheel. He just says, “have faith”. So I let go of the wheel, and give her back over to the Captain.

The storm is raging on, the lighting cracks in the sky, and I can barely hear Captain’s orders. The darkness surrounds the ship, as she creaks and groans in the treacherous waves. Fear of the ship running aground, or breaking up, or worse, I get tossed over, leaves me trembling with worry. The waves crash over the rail, and I take the full force of the wall of water. I’m wet, and cold, fear grips me, and I fall to my knees and begin to cry. Just as I do a hand touches my shoulder. “‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your CAPTAIN. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Cap knows just what to say when I need it. 

In the eye of the storm, you are in the control. Captain my Captain, I follow you. The sails rip and tear, but you don’t worry. I can’t see beyond the bow of the ship, but you say, “In me have faith. I will steer you home.” I worry about much, but my Captain knows. The tears pour down my face, but I find peace in the word Cap gives me. When the sails are torn, it seems Cap’s love surrounds me even more. I look to the East and I can see a glint of light. I tremble to my feet, and I say, “I trust you, Captain.” Cap looks to me and says, “The son rises, so you should have hope.” 

I sought after my Captain, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. With the Captain on my side; I will not fear. What can this storm do to me?  The Captain looks down and yelled to me, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” I stumbled up the stairs to the wheel, and said, “Cap, I’ve been following for a while, and I don’t even know your name.” 

He replied, “I am who I am. I am the way, the truth the life. I am the alpha and the omega. I am the Good Shepherd whom you’ve heard my voice. I am the Lion, and the Lamb. I am Emmanuel, I am Jesus, your Captain. And I’ve got you. Trust in me, and I will see you through to the end of the age, when I welcome you home, when we reach the shores of my Kingdom. You will then have rest. Till then, we’ve got work to do.” 

I fell to my knees and kissed the feet of my salvation. I arose, and grabbed hold of the rope as the ship teetered in the continued waves.

“Fear Not” Jesus said, and peace fell over me, yet while still in the storm. And I was not afraid. 

Jesus may not stop the storms from happening, but He’s right there with us in the midst of them. We cannot face the dark, and face the demons in the dark with fear. Jesus goes before us, and He is with us. The demons tremble and fear him, and if we lose our lives then life is gained. We must trust He knows which way to go, and we must not try to continue to take the wheel from Him. Let us let go, and Let God. The sun rises in the East, and some day, He’ll return from the East. Faith, we must put our faith in Him. 

Written By: 

Rev. Jacob Keiffer

Fallen

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Fallen

(Warning Graphic Material)

The world can be a dark place, and sometimes we fall. The men we are shaped by our past. We bleed green, we fight to protect those around us. We fight because we must, because we draw breath. We live to honor our brothers who didn’t. We are trained to carry on in the fight. We are trained to survive and we are trained to push down the pain, to see the next step at all costs. We train for war, we train to live, we train to kill, but most of all we are trained to protect our brothers and sisters of our country.

When the fight is over and we return home for some the fight never quits. We struggle to connect. My fight is no longer the enemy of flesh and blood, but the enemy of darkness. In the last year I have found it harder and harder to connect with people. Not for a lack of trying on my part, I just haven’t had very many connect with me. I’ve struggled to make and keep friends this year. I’ve watched as old friends have moved on, and for reasons unknown have decided I was no longer needed in their life. As this unfortunately feeds into my deepest fear, that of abandonment, it also fuels the darkness that nearly overtook me just over a year ago.

When the world seems darkest and when it appears to be no hope, that’s when one enters dangerous waters. The whispers and lies that wade around the ankles of unsuspecting waders in the waters ready to drag you under. When one bad thing happens after another, it’s easier and easier to get pulled into the muck. When everything you hold most dear falls away how can one survive so much pain? How can someone survive the worst terrors of mankind, loose ones family, and believe there may still be hope? It’s simple, the Devil whispers lies in our ears and sometimes it gets the better of us. Sometimes it takes hold, and what once seemed like an unthinkable response seems to be the most reasonable. The perfect storm that leads us down the dark path, and sadly, a fallen one.

Can you imagine yourself in the mists of loosing everything you cherished most in life? As I watched my life falling apart I couldn’t breath. The life I was living didn’t seem like my own any longer. The air seemed to be sucked from my very lungs. The crushing feeling in my chest as it fell apart. The woman I loved and the family I thought had accepted me for so long in fact, only kept me around because of my wife, who at that very moment was packing to leave. A second time I watched as my wife would leave me. Two marriages, two affairs, and two divorces, and the second time sadly would be more then I could take. As I watched the packing and moving I saw myself as an entire failure. My ability to see reason, to think rationally had been dangerously compromised. A dangerous and unfortunate turn of events that would cause my personal battles to no longer stay hidden, stay buried as they once were. The crashing waves crushed my spirit, the breaking of the dam that would allow the dirty laundry that remained safely tucked away, to flood every inch of what I protected most. The burier that had been built carefully over many years of constant vigilance would be destroyed and years of built up pain, of every wrong step, of every trauma, every set back, every mistake, and every loss would rush down upon me like a tsunami that would be stopped by nothing. A whirlwind of nothing but negative feelings sucked the hope and the things we fight for to stay alive every day, out of my chest, my heartbeat, but hollow. I couldn’t reconcile my failure, my loss, my hopelessness, so it seemed as if there were only one thing to do.

Not every action taken is thought out. Not every action taken offers the comfort or the desired outcome we hope for. Sometimes the mind plays tricks on us, and in times of great stress, great sorrow, those tricks can be equal to the level of pain. Isn’t pain an interesting thing? How we grieve for the loss of a beloved pet. How we feel badly when our favorite TV show ends. How we feel when a best friend parts ways for the last time. Or how we grieve when we loose the ones we love most dearly. There are all manner of ways we grieve but sometimes that grief is so powerful it literally takes hold and we cannot bear to take one more step, take one more breath, and we honestly forget how. How that grief can feel when it’s a lifetime of loss, and how the grief turns to pain that cannot be reconciled. Now what do you do with that pain when you are alone? How do you channel the thoughts from the Devil when there’s no one there to reach out too? Pain can be a powerful motivator, pain of a physical nature, the odd satisfaction of physical pain. Some people use this pain by getting tattoos, they use it to handle the stress of life, the dealing of hard times. People also use another form of pain as a self regulated therapy and that’s cutting. The act of cutting one’s self and using that pain as a release, the endorphins created to mask the physical pain is a drug in the brain that allows a sense of calm. Cutting while frowned upon is actually widely used by young adults and adolescence. Years ago there was another form of pain used by Priests to be used a form of punishment for sin. Self-flagellation, this practice largely used within the Catholic Church ended in the 14th century. It is still used today in some extent. What would you do if the pain inside was more then you could bare? What would you do if the trauma you suffered was a lifetime’s worth all at once?

It’s a strange thing looking back at ones life in an instant. The term seeing your life flashed before your eyes isn’t so farfetched. For some they get flashes of happy times, of loved ones, of things they cared for in life. But what if in that moment, that split second, failure, self loathing, self disgust was all you saw? What if what you saw in the blink of an eye was that you were what was wrong with your life? How would you feel? While I don’t begrudge my wife for leaving, she did what she felt was best for her, I will ever hold love in my heart for her. I have tried to remain faithful to the feelings of forgiveness, understanding, and above all love. She will forever hold a special place in my heart, and even if she may never be a part of my life anymore, I will love her always.

I failed once, the poorly executed plan, I didn’t even check to see if the stupid thing was loaded. Standing on the back porch, a deep breath, and squeezing the trigger while standing on the stairs, the hammer fell, but no bullet. Screaming how much of a failure I was I threw the gun across the yard. I went cursing at myself on the way to pick it up. There my sister in law, not sure what she just saw, I handed her the gun and told her to hold onto that. I stormed back in the house, went to the bedroom and grabbed the black Smith & Wesson 9mm that was loaded, and I stormed out to the front porch. This time I sat down and watched as my wife finished packing the car. She was leaving, and I knew she’d be gone for good. I told her I was sorry for everything, and that she should just pretend like none of it ever happened. I don’t recall if she actually said anything, but she walked out of sight. I was alone, in that no one was within line of sight of me, and that was the moment. I put the pistol to my shoulder, looked at it, and with just a flicker of hesitation, squeezed the trigger. The round ripped through the flesh, the blood splattered out onto my hand and the gun. Everything I saw was dark, hopeless, endless amounts of pain, and I deserved to suffer in physical pain equal to that of my emotional pain because I was the common denominator, I was the center of it all, and I must have been at fault, so therefore, I must be the one to suffer and be punished for my failings. The air left my lungs quickly. The scream from my wife would be etched into my memory like a diamond etching into stone, forever leaving it’s mark. I reached up to hold the hole in my shoulder, but something went wrong, something wasn’t right. Everything was going black, it was supposed to just go straight through, I didn’t understand. I felt someone grab me, but blackness covered my eyes. I no longer heard anything, I was no longer in the world.

Seconds turned to hours as I remained in the world of black. A lifetime in nothingness, no thoughts, no fears, no hopes, nothing at all that connected me to the world of the living. That’s when I heard myself say it, “God I’m sorry!” I never expected to hear a response, but what I heard couldn’t be explained by reason or logic. The booming nature was like a shaking thunder reverberating all over my body, down into the very cells of what I was made up of. My ears pounded with the shaking of the words I was able to make out and understand perfectly even as loud and thunderous as it was. “You’re forgiven!” The jolt forced my eyes open and I could see someone above me. The pain shot through my back and my shoulder, the shooting through my body with each and every breath. “No, let me go, let me die!” I begged the paramedics. They refused, but it was to their surprise I woke up at all. The amount of time I was unconscious was about 30 minutes. Second hand information I would find out later the amount of blood loss should have killed me. I would end up loosing around 6 units of blood out of the average 8. The paramedics fought to keep me alive, and every time I would try to close my eyes, to go back to the blissful darkness, they would bring me back, sternum rubs, tapping me, anything they could to keep me with them. The only thing I actually said that made any sense was to take me to the VA, which they responded almost jokingly, they couldn’t because they weren’t equipped for it, and if they did I’d die. At the time, it didn’t sound so bad. Death wasn’t my intention, but the thought of dying seemed okay.

The thing with not thinking clearly, and being overcome by grief and pain, is the cause and effect of such actions. The bullet didn’t travel straight through, instead it chipped the clavicle, and went down through the left lung, leaving a large 9mm hole and particles of the bullet, before traveling onto the 2nd, 3rd, and 7th ribs before exiting my lower shoulder blade. I apparently pulled the trigger and jumped and the gun was too high. Not that, that’s any kind of good excuse, what I did was beyond reckless, beyond stupid, it was as it turns out, irredeemable in the eyes of some, but not to the Lord.

Here’s the trouble in a nutshell. There are always consequences to poor decisions. In the wake of such a choice, I watched as countless friends jumped ship and swam away as fast as they could. My love of firearms would end as my privileges would be revoked, and every firearm I had sold. I would loose my position at my job, a job I had worked very hard to get. I would loose the respect of those around me, and with the respect, I would loose any and all credibility I had. I would forever have shoulder pain, and troubles with the lung from the shrapnel left behind. Any chance I may have had with my wife vanished with the shot and the scream. I would undergo over a year of therapy, and even with that, more to come. I would eventually loose my job, and my career, and as more and more friends left, the full ramifications would come, and I would once again be standing cross in hand as I would be forced to bare the pain.

Over a year later, I have watched as the majority of my closest friends and allies would leave. I would be left with no direction, no sense of earthly worth, and a seemingly bleak future. Less then a year after the gunshot I would suffer a major neck injury and would require emergency fusion surgery. With the severe rupture of the C5 disc, the possibility of infection became more likely with every passing day, and although I would avoid infection, the lasting affect would cost me my job, and my plans for the future. From all standards of living, the outcome looks bleak. The hits never stopped coming, the wins were few, and the losses were many. How does one overcome such adversity?

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 “8 [We are] troubled on every side, yet not distressed; [we are] perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;”

A part of me died that day on those stairs. What I heard that day is why I came back, and no matter how dark it gets, how much it hurts, how far you fall, we can remember only one thing, God loves us. I was a soldier, and I swore an oath to never quit, never surrender, and until the day comes when the Good Lord calls me home, we can never fall so far that we can’t pick ourselves up. While we will always have our bad days, and no matter the struggles we may face, we have to keep picking ourselves up. If anything can come from such a tragic year, perhaps my story can touch the life of someone struggling. Hero’s are not born, but made. The hero’s in my life are the men and women of the 2nd ID combat team that served with me in Iraq and found the need to be at a brothers side. The loving support of my pastors, and the brave first responders that fought diligently to keep me alive is in part why I fight. I would have my brothers and sisters standing with me fighting, and because they fight for me, I shall always fight. No matter how dark the days, no matter how far I fall, I shall learn how to crawl again, I will learn how to walk, and I will one day learn how to soar above the clouds. I shall never quit because God didn’t quit on me. I shall never fall without knowing God is with me to help me. Yes apart of me died that day, but I also lived. The struggle shall always stay with me, and the ramifications of what’s left in the wake of disaster will perhaps take years to repair, but I shall continue to fight and try. While on this very day I have no idea where my life is going, what I will do, where I will live, how I will survive, if I’ll ever find love again, if I’ll ever be accepted, if I’ll ever make new friends to replace those who’ve left, what I do know, is it’s in God’s capable hands.

Having faith in the middle of the storm is hard. Being able to close your eyes and trust in the leap, knowing that God will catch you, that’s faith. We worry because we are human. We question because we are inflicted with sin nature. We survive because we have God. We thrive because we know Jesus. We all stumble, we all fall, but we cannot learn without it. We will never be perfect in this world, and if there’s anything I hope more then anything in this world, is to not be judged for a moment of weakness for the rest of my life. I don’t know why my friends jumped ship afterwards. I don’t know why I was made to suffer through all I have. I don’t have the answers, and while I still breath on this world, perhaps I never will.

I know I let my brothers and sisters down with my weakness, but I know I have an obligation to live, and to never forget, to spread the word of the Lord, and fight to help those who suffer. We will suffer at the hands of the Devil, we will suffer at the hands of man as it was foretold by Christ. 2 Timothy 3:12 “Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.” Forever will the scar remain on my chest a reminder of the fall of man, and the momentary triumphs of the Devil. I will forever have a scar to remind me of the fight we fight every day. A scar from the battles that are waged in the shadows and we are pawns in a larger picture. We are the soldiers in which the war is waged for souls on this worldly plane. No one ever said you’d make it through life without scars. No one ever said it would be easy. 1 Peter 4:16 “Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.” As Job before me, suffering is not new under the sun. The suffering of man, testing ones resolve, forging steel, and pushing one to their limits, all comes with the territory of picking up the cross and following Jesus.

No one ever said the cross wouldn’t be heavy, and no one ever said it didn’t come at a cost, but what cost could we ever pay to be worthy of the gift of Heaven? Jesus paid the price and a little suffering now, or in some cases, a lot of suffering now, will be worth it when we sit with Jesus in paradise for all eternity.

When my day comes I hope to regain some of my dignity and self-respect I left on those stairs. I fell, and fell harder then I ever imagined I could have. I have lived with the knowledge of my fallen spirit, and I face the battle to redemption every day. But I say to you, it’s not if we fall, but how we pick ourselves up. So if you’ve fallen pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on. There will be dark days ahead, and even the most faithful will be put to the test. When your day comes and you’re facing your last breath, a hope for you is this, may it be of peace and at a time of God’s own choosing. Breathe until the Lord calls you home. Raise no hand to your enemies, instead raise open arms. Bring no harm upon yourself, instead remember that you are a child of the one true King and God loves you despite your faults. God’s love is pure and everlasting. When the days last number comes and you go home, remember 2 Timothy 4:6-8 “For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing”

 I was a soldier once for this country, now I’m a soldier for Christ. The days are long, and we may grow weary, but eternity is longer, and it’s worth the wait.

 

Ride the Rapids

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Ride the Rapids

A river can be calm, it can be treacherous and we never know what could be lurking just around the bend. I have had the pleasure of white water rafting, canoeing, and tubing down different rivers. Each experience is as vastly different from the next, thus chancing the experience each and every time. They say you can never go down the same river twice because as time moves with the water, bits and pieces erode, and change, the depth may change, and the fish and other wild life could also change.

Life is often the same as a river, it flows, as the current of time drags us along. Some days the river moves is a nice calm peaceful pace, and others it’s wicked and dangerous, fast, and often unforgiving. Once when I was a younger lad, I was wading across a river near where my Grandfather lived. The water lever was low, but the tide was swift. As I was a little more then halfway across I was headed to a small island, the tide was strong and as long as I had my footing I could withstand the push of the water. I stepped in a large hole and as I sunk and loosing my balance I was whisked away grasping at any weed and grass, any branch I could, but I wasn’t able to stop from being swept down river. My uncle at the time swam out and saved me from being swept down river.

The following year, my cousin who was 4 years younger then me, found herself in a similar situation, but this time, I’d be the one to save her. If anything this taught me to be a strong swimmer in the current, strong because I had to be. Life is often the same as the river, it forces you to be strong and swim because if you don’t, you get swept away and you might not make it. Life can be cruel, and merciless, but as a river can be those things it can also bring great peace and joy. Laying on an inner tube and drifting down the way under the sun laughing and joking with friends, is a gift to be cherished.

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A couple years ago I went white water rafting. We spent the first 20-30 minutes learning how to take commands, and learning how to react as a team in the raft/boat. The rapids would come and it would be important to be able to navigate and manage the rapids that come. A 20 foot drop was just one of the class 5 rapids we’d face. Not much for an experienced rafter, but as we were all novices we had to work together. Isn’t life the same way? When the rapids are small we can handle life just fine, but when it gets so rough we must learn to lean on those around us and help us ride the rapids. We must learn to lean on the one that has the power to calm any storm. Jesus Christ calms the true storms, Matthew 8:23-27 “And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?” Later in Matthew 14:28-33 “And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[e] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

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 Jesus Christ is the only true way for us to make it through the rapids. We cannot do it on our own. When we try we will always get swept up in the rapids and we will always get overwhelmed. Eventually the waves will be to much, the current too strong, and if we stay in the water too long we will get tired, and the waves will overcome us. Fatigue will take over, and if not careful bring an end to life. Jesus is the only protection we have against the storm. Christ is our anchor, our shelter, and without Christ we may be able to withstand the pull of the current for a little while, but eventually, yes, we will all loose. Have faith in the word of Christ and allow that to be your life jacket. Don’t drown in the waters of life. Have faith and know that if you are not freed from the waters, know that you will be pulled through. Don’t loose sight and keep swimming, always keep swimming.

 

 

 

Broken and a year of penance September 18th

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Broken and a year of penance September 18th

We feel broken and battered. The days that pass feel like an eternity and the weeks that pass are a struggle to rationalize the life lived, and why so much pain has befallen the young man. All his life he wanted to feel needed. A life that till then he had been left, he had been hurt, and he had been betrayed by those who were closest to him. His fear would get the better of him. The day came when the women he loved would walk away, she would choose another over him and the life he had worked so hard to build would fracture and crumble to the ground like a sand castle against the waves.

The fear and panic that took hold of him that fateful day would reverberate through his entire life and just like a ripple in the water, every single corner of his life would become distorted. He would loose the girl, he’d loose his job, he’d loose his closest friends, he’d loose his credibility, he’d loose his house, and when the dust settled even a year later his life would still be in shambles. He would struggle to gain ground, but the whole he dug himself would be slick and the mud soaked hole would swallow him whole.

He panicked and in a moment of weakness his fight would finally come to an end. He panicked at the thought of loosing his love. He couldn’t see a happy life without her. It was his fault and he screwed up. The judgment and punishment for that he decided for himself was beyond anything anyone would ever have dreamt for him. He faced the punishment in the wake of his devotion and couldn’t stand to loose someone else he loved with all his heart. Every day he relives the horrible tragedy. Every day he begs for forgiveness for what she saw, for what she heard. Every day he asks for forgiveness, but the truth is, he wonders if he’s been able to forgive himself. How could he live with himself for the pain he caused. Just like the stone into the water sent out the waves in his own life, so does the stone affect those close to him also. The tragedy touched the lives of his friends, his family, his church, his job, everyone that knew him now faced the unfortunate truth. He was weak. His weakness had no valid excuse. His need for punishment, his desire to endure the hardships in the wake of his own admission of guilt for everything that had transpired, he became the very thing he fought so hard against, Sin. In an act of pure cowardice, he became the sin eater for not only himself but for the women he loved.

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Could he suffer enough for the both of them and take that pain to the grave? While on the surface he played out the exact moment in his head, and in his head he saw survival, deep down beneath the surface he had to know, even if only in the subconscious that his life could end right there on those very steps. The truth didn’t matter at the time. He felt nothing but hallow, nothing but despair, and in that moment without hope all sense of rationalism, all sense of hope, of worth, ripped through him in the symbolism of the bullet. The hole physically made symbolized the struggle within. The near total blood loss, the breaking of bone, the damage done by something so small, so innocent looking, would be the agent of death. The agonizing pain, the sharpness of fractured bones, the suck of air from his lungs, the energy that gives life now laying in a pool on the ground. No longer just a symbol he had given up all he was for all of her. How could one man feel so much for one woman? The answer was in Christ for the church. Perverted as it may have been, he loved her so much, his failure, his punishment, his taking the sins he had committed, all the sins she had committed upon himself, and in a moment of sheer emptiness the bullet symbolized the self-Flagellant: “a person who scourges himself or herself as a public penance” A self display of pain as penance for wrong doing. An old archaic practice that in a moment of desperation became as prevalent as it once was in the 14th century. No longer bound by reason the sum of a life hidden, expunged from history, directed the storm to the cross through the heart and leave nothing left in it’s wake but destruction.

Sadly time cannot be undone, and the decisions made are cemented in horror and tragedy. Memories can be haunting and painful but they don’t have to destroy us. Psalms 34:18 “The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” No matter the struggle we face we have to keep the faith. The faith is all he has when the world beat him down to the brink of death. When a man would choose a fate worse then death to take on the pain and suffering of himself and loved ones, he has no where to go but up. When looking at the end the only end we can consider is that of Revelation 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” The end of our day is the end of our own pain. The end of time is also the end of suffering. As in all things the truth is often the most obvious. “Living is not for the weak.” (Anatoli, Arrow)

He’s not forgiven by those he hurt, and still the shot rings loudly in the dark at night. The mistakes made cannot be undone, and as he wishes every day he could take it back, every day he can’t a little piece of him suffers from the fate he brought upon himself. Every day the scars itch and the leg tingles as a daily reminder of the mistake that will haunt him forever. Every day he must wake with the aches and pains in the shoulder that remind him he’s still alive. The screams at night still haunt him, and the blood that still clings to the dog tags he wore that day. His blood, the blood that was spilt to take upon the wrongs of the world he knew, and so desperately clung too. The reminders every day of his failures hold most evident the new and daily truth, he has the power to intervene in others lives. Does this tragedy have to end with nothing but pain or suffering or can he use it to reach out to others? Can one man make a difference in the lives of others? Every day he lives to try and do one thing, to pay his penance. He can’t do it as himself so he turned himself into someone else, something else. He became a symbol. He doesn’t hide behind the mask, he embraces the darkness that was within, and he uses it in a force to enact change in others. Perhaps one day that mask may come off and he’d do enough good to make up for all the bad. The works to craft an identity to focus the thoughts, influenced by life, influenced by the light, a penance to right the wrongs.

 

 

 

 

The Bullet

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The Bullet

The warm handle, the textured grip, the smooth trigger, and the textures of the Smith & Wesson he holds in his hand. He looks up to see his world crumbling in front of his very eyes. The true loves, the lies and beliefs gone up in smoke. Smoke is a funny term to describe the situation my friend was in. He holds the 9mm in his hand and waits till no ones in front of him. He looks down at the gun one last time, he watches himself lift the gun to his shoulder, and he takes a breath, and holds while he squeezes the trigger. The blood splatters away from the wound as he sees it gushing from the hole in his shoulder. The oxygen leaves his body quicker then an exhale. The scream in the distance is a loud shriek that would curdle anyone’s blood. The blood from his shoulder is warm, and thick as it coats his hand that’s trying to cover the hole. He starts to see dark, and the world around him fades away. Death he thinks is warm, and gentle. Slowly drifting to a new world. The females hand covers over his chest and his eyes close, he looses everything he knew. He didn’t recognize himself anymore, and as the bullet passed through his flesh, the fire washed away the old him, and a new person would be born.

He would claim to hear the voice of God in the ambulance. He would claim to have apologized for his mistakes, and God he claims forgave him and sent him back. He claims the voice was loud and thunderous and brought forth feelings of hope and terror at the same time. He gasped for air as the life returned to his body. The stabbing pain in his back was that of the ribs that had fractured by the bullets exit. He’d later find out that the severely deformed the 3rd rib, fractured the 2nd and damaged the 7th before it exited his shoulder blade. Along with the collar bone being chipped the bullet would leave shrapnel behind in the lung as it worked its way out. The bullet punctured the lung deflating it right away, which is why he lost consciousness so quickly. He would beg for death in the ambulance hoping to return to the warmth and peace he just felt. His request to die would go unheard as the valiant paramedics worked diligently to stop the bleeding. He would end up loosing 6/8 units of blood before the ER was able to stabilize his wounds.

The remainder of the night was a blur for him as visitors came in two at a time. He doesn’t remember much, just quick images, glimpses, vague memories somewhere between reality and imaginary. The pain he would feel during recover would have him begging for death. The morphine drip in his arm would get blocked for several hours and his pain levels would hit a 10 and stay there for hours. He’d beg for relief and the nurse kept telling him for over an hour he needed to breath, the problem was every breath he would take would be sharp stabs into his lungs, every rise and fall of his chest would beg for relief of unconsciousness. It was over an hour before the care team found the medication wasn’t working in the bloodstream.

The days after would leave him learning about himself. His actions would leave him questioning everything he knew about himself. He would spend the next several months combing over his bible, combing through scripture, learning about himself and Gods plan for him. He hopes to one day change the world and if not the world his only little corner of it.

Recently he would be reminded a few times over of his mistakes. The pain everyday would be a constant reminder of his mistakes. The truth that he survived and was forced to live with the images of his mistakes every single day, yet some people in his life would bring it up, remind him in hurtful ways regularly. James 5:16 “Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” The lack of faith from the people that used to care for him is the hardest part. The truth between good and evil, the truth between right and wrong, the truth between selfish and selfless is somewhere in between.

He’s asked me to pray for his life, his goal to reach out and stop this from happening to anyone else. He knows he can’t ever take it back, but he wants to at least right his wrongs. He created his own nightmares; his own demons when he pulled that trigger and he prays God will use him to prevent any tragedy from happening like this again.

“If you wanna make the world a better place,

Take a look at yourself and make a change,

Hooo” Michael Jackson/ Batman