Tag: marriage

The Road Less Traveled 

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The Road Less Traveled 

I woke up and the pain was worse than it was the night before. Throughout the day the pain medication just wasn’t working anymore. A call to the hospital nurse on duty led to the decision to visit the local bed and breakfast. That’s what I like to call the local VA. One, two and then three scans later, all I was expecting to find was some gas build up in my right shoulder, a residual from the surgery. What happened next is still difficult for me to talk about. When I do, I choke down my tears, stiffen that upper lip, and keep moving forward. While yes, there was gas in my shoulder, what the scans found was far more ominous. A ticking time bomb, For years I’ve been walking around, living my life, as if there were nothing wrong. How wrong could I have been? That’s how we live our life though isn’t it? Do we ever wake up and consider our own mortality? Is today the day we are to die? No one looking to the future thinks about all the hardships they will endure. People generally consider the future in a positive light, even though our lives are testament to the hardships we endure, our futures in our minds are bright and full of life. Scripture tells us the dangers of making claims of what we might do tomorrow. James 4:13-15. After hearing probably the hardest news of my life, aside from my ex-wife’s affair, I have been faced with the realization that life never goes the way we intend. Instead of traveling this holiday, I will be recovering from a life altering surgery. Who wakes up one morning from routine surgery only to find out the life they’ve been given is in danger of ending because of a silent killer inside their chest? The scans showed that I have an inflamed aorta in my heart. Unfortunately there is only one way to fix it, and that’s to have open heart surgery. The blow to one’s psyche is beyond anything I have faced. Learning of this heart defect has been the hardest emotional battle of my life. The enormous amounts of feeling I have felt is nothing I’ve experienced. Even having gone through two affairs, this emotional trial is not the same. I have felt responsible for causing hardship upon my family. I have felt weak. I have felt scared, and even worthless. I have felt as if my faith is weak, but I know it is not. Heart surgery will not be the end of me. God provided the scans to find it now, rather than me dying one random day from an aorta rupture. Five months ago I engaged in a foot race with one of the youth from church. The hernia on my right side bulged. It put me in the hospital to lead to surgery to repair not one but two hernias. Here in November I have surgery and a week later I have complications which put me in the emergency room. Doing scans to find out if there was gas in my shoulder from the surgery, something unusual showed up, an enlarged aorta. God it seems has spared me, but for what, I do not know. 

In the last few days I have experienced random bouts of crying for reasons unknown. Even though I have accepted what is to come, my mind seems to be working through the heaviness I feel. While I have the utmost faith in God, and trust His plan, the weight is still heavy, and at times feels crushing. How does one reconcile their faith, and the flesh feelings that flood my mind? The enigma of my mind does not escape my attention. “Why, am I crying?” has been a statement I’ve often said recently. What has years of therapy done for me? I believe it has prepared me for this day. What has years of hardship done for me? I believe it has prepared me for this day. While people often say, “God never gives you more than you can handle,” is not actually true. That’s not what the scripture says. 1 Corinthians 10:13 “13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” The way to escape, what does that mean? The way to escape is putting your hope and faith in Christ, Jesus. Growing closer to the spirit and allowing the spirit to dwell within you. By placing your joy upon Jesus Christ, so nothing can take it from you.

While I have experienced many hardships in my life, and I have felt strongly about some of them, this particular issue has affected me differently than those before. While my broken heart during my divorce was real, and I had very strong emotions, this literal broken heart is a different kind of emotion. While I do not know the future, I have attempted to make plans after heart surgery. This has allowed me the opportunity to control some of the emotions by building hope into the equation. When we have something to look forward to, it often gives us a positive outlook on the negative event. The silver lining perhaps. 

It has amazing, the apathetic nature of people today. Do we truly not feel anymore? I have been doing what I thought was right, and inform people who might care about me, that I have to have this open-heart surgery. The replies I have received have shocked and baffled me. Most of them, “Okay, praying for you.” Just, okay? Is open heart surgery routine now? There have been little to know follow ups, to ask any other questions. Is this a lack of care about me? Is this a sign of the times that we just grow so distant that apathy is now the rally cry for people? This has solidified a few things in my mind about where I stand with others. Little to no priority. While this may be the truth, or it may not be, it’s the way it looks. I am reminded to keep my focus on the Lord because to Him, I am someone. “You can come to Him just as you are, let him have your broken heart.” (Casting Crowns) 

Feeling welcome or apart of something has always been hard for me. I have often felt like the outcast, that I didn’t fit in. In God’s Heaven, I will fit in. I will find a place I belong. Jesus chose me before the foundations of the world. In him I have hope where he raised my heart from death to life. I walked in darkness without him. I walked by my own set of rules. I walked by my own desires. I was a dead man walking. Jesus changed my heart. Jesus opened my dull, blind eyes to see the truth. Jesus changed my mind to see through the lies of the world, the lies of the deceived, Satan. The faith that can move mountains, and the hope that can withstand the battle waged all around. The greatest miracle of all is the raising of the dead. The changing of a single heart from dead to life. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, no one gets to the father but through Him. While people will fail you, and oh believe me, they will fail you, Jesus never will. We think people should act a certain way. Say certain things, but in reality, people are fallen creatures. It may be, I don’t mean to people what they mean to me. Or it may mean people just don’t know what to say. Either way, all I can do is inform people I think want to know, and let the chips fall where they may. 

There are words from another casting crowns: (Just Be Held)

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There’s freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

I feel this song is what I’m going through right now. Since 2016, God has given me the right music to provide comfort when I needed it. Today is no different. I cannot sit here angry. Jesus is on the throne, and I cannot control the outcome of tomorrow. I can only control my actions in this moment. I may not be able to control every thought, but my focus being on the Lord minimizes the flesh. Jesus is always enough, and in all things, glory to the one who deserves our prayers, and worship. The one who calmed the storm, healed the blind man, turned water to wine, and defeated death, my praise and worship, into his hands I give my heart. Jesus is always enough. No matter what I’m going through and endure here in this life, Heaven is on the horizon. In a short while, I will join Him in paradise, and all my tears, all my pain, all my sorrow will be a distant past, and eternity is my future. Jesus is all there is. My heart is literally broken, but one day, a new heart will beat within my chest, and today, I will rejoice in being set free from the life I lived. I have faith, and I have hope, and the devil will never take that from me. Jesus is always enough. Let us pray. 

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Two Worlds Collide

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Two Worlds Collide

A while back I met someone who was a different denomination as myself. While I never put much thought into the many denominations of Christianity, it wasn’t long before I started noticing a lot of differences in the way we worshipped. She had said something to me that caught me off guard one day, she said, ‘so you’re going to stop talking to me now aren’t you?’ I was taken aback when I heard that. I had never known anyone to be so worried about how others saw them based on their personal worship choice. That was a couple months ago and I’m happy to announce we are still friends despite significant differences in worship style.

A few months ago I met someone else, but instead of being a different denomination, they were a different religion all together. Come to find out they were a practicing Pagan. Much to my surprise it’s more common then I thought it was. I had decided I wanted to judge them by the content of their personality and their character not by the faith they chose to follow. (Not that we should be judging anyone) I found they were sweet, and kind, and caring, and generous, and an all around lovely human being. We should never be so quick to judge someone because when we do, when we judge based on their faith, or the way they look, we take away the possibility to learn, to witness and to truly meet wonderful people in this world. (Disclaimer: Satan worshipers truly do frighten me.)

It’s important for us as Christians to understand something; we are not to spend all of our time just hanging out and fellowshipping with other Christians. We cannot evangelize, we cannot minister, we cannot witness to unbelievers if we never go out of our own church. The Great Commission was very clear, “Go Forth to ALLthe nations of the world and baptize.” Given the opportunities in my life I’ve been able to share the gospel to many different faiths in my life. I have witnessed to Pagan’s, Muslims, Atheists, and while I don’t know if I’ve ever had an impact on their salvation, what I do know is it’s not my job to convert people. My job is to share the Gospel and the Truth of Jesus Christ, and to witness and love my neighbor. Once I do that the rest is in God’s hands. We can’t pick and choose who we want to talk about the Gospel to, we must understand that it’s never our place to judge others, and it’s important to know that while we may not be the direct link in the chain that causes someone’s heart to change, we must trust in God’s will, and God’s plan, and leave it up to faith.

In the past year however, I have also met a few different couples that their marriage is in trouble. It always hurts my heart knowing that marriages suffer, largely because I have been married twice, and both times I have been left standing alone trying to pick up the pieces of both a broken heart, and a broken life. The first time I got married, I married into a family that was completely non-religious. They weren’t atheists but I wouldn’t exactly call them Christian either. Sadly, at that time in my life, I was less concerned about differences in faith, than I was with being alone in life. When that marriage ended with an affair, and then the following destruction of everything I had I soon realized how important it was to not get into a relationship with someone who had a completely different set of morals than myself. My next marriage would be to a woman who’s family were devout Christians. I spent time getting to know them, watching them at church, seeing how they lived their lives, and even though no one’s perfect, I saw enough faith to determine I shouldn’t base someone’s past mistakes on their current standing with God. While that marriage also ended due to an affair, I have to acknowledge we as humans do become lost and walk on poor paths. I have learned my vetting process needs to be a lot more stringent and I need to focus more on how they worship, how they behave, and truly dive into their moral compass. That leads me to the next major point, the marriages that I have witnessed recently have been very unequally yoked.

Scripture tells us it’s not good for believers to be with unbelievers. 2 Corinthians 6:14“14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what [a]fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what [b]communion has light with darkness?” I am a firm believer that a persons faith is strongly tied into their moral compass. While this isn’t always the case, it will undoubtedly always create conflict. A persons faith will always come into play later in life, when it comes to children, or going to church, or even how we choose to treat one another. Generally when worlds collide it isn’t as epic as say a DC-Marvel cross over. While sometimes people of different faiths and religions, and cultures can get along great, that isn’t always the case. It’s important to be a united front in your life concerning your spouse. If you’re not on the same page it can cause a great deal of conflict, but even more so, if you’re not in the same book at all. I have often been a firm believer that you can “Love” someone, but that doesn’t mean they are right for you in a relationship. Love is a strange thing and while we may fall in love with someone of a different faith, or even someone whom we share nothing in common, we must realize that it takes more then LOVE to make a marriage work. Marriages that work are built from commonality, meaning similar interests, beliefs, goals, etc. Take out to many similarities and you may still love, but problems generally arise as cracks in the foundation become apparent. So what I’m trying to say is this, love everyone because it’s what we’re told to do. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Learn and observe and always be respectful of those people you meet, even if they come from a different walk of life. Be careful of love that isn’t built on a well balanced foundation because if you jump into a marriage before the foundation is inspected, you may find that there are cracks and an uneven slab. You can’t build a house on a bad foundation. It’s okay to be friends with people of different faiths because it always gives us an opportunity to witness, so long as everyone is respectful and willing to listen. But most importantly, don’t sacrifice your own faith and love of Jesus Christ to try and make a relationship work. Our lives always have to love God first, then the rest follows. Jesus Christ always has to be our first love no matter how low we get, or how lonely. Always put your faith and trust in Christ and never sacrifice that belief for anyone.

 

 

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Rainbows

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Rainbows

Genesis 9:13-14 “13 I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth. 14 It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud;”

I’ve always thought rainbows were beautiful, but not till I started reading Genesis did I realized they were mentioned very early in scripture. Now we know that science can explain what a rainbow is, light refracting through raindrops, but at this point in Scripture Noah and his family are just leaving the Ark after the flood. As this represents the covenant between God and mankind, I also look at it another way. It doesn’t always happen of course, but usually a rainbow signifies the end of the storm. Even in the movie the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy wishes she could go to a magical place, over the rainbow. We sometimes think of rainbows as somehow magical, of beautiful happenings in nature that are quite the spectacle to see.

No matter how we look at a rainbow, they bring joy, or happiness, even if it’s just the spectacle of them being in the sky. Rainbows are a reminder of Gods love and grace for us. No matter how bad the storm was, if we look to the sky and see a bright rainbow we know the storm is over. While the rainbow is a symbol of the covenant with man to never again flood the whole of the earth, we are lucky enough to have a new covenant with God. After the fall from Eden, mankind could not be in the presence of God. We were no longer pure, but worst then a dirty diaper before our Lord. God set forth a plan that would take hundreds of years. When we think God moves too slowly for us, we truly don’t realize how God works. God doesn’t play the short game, and while on occasion he may answer our prayers in the here and now, more often then not God is working things out for the future.

God spent 400 years in silence between the Old and New Testament. In that time there were moving pieces on the board, and God is patient while we are not. We are a people of wanting change right now. We want fast food prayers, you order, God delivers. But that doesn’t work and God just laughs at our foolishness. When I think back at Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, she was dreaming of being anywhere other then on the farm. While things on the farm weren’t perfect, she was trying to escape her woes instead of putting forth the effort to fix them. We do the same thing in many different ways. In the last year, I have been a part of a social app and during my time there I have found a new escape I hadn’t really considered, on line roll playing. These roll playing conversations often consume someone’s life. There is no desire to talk to the person you’re roll playing with about real life, it’s always just the fantasy world. This is a person’s ‘over the rainbow’. So many people today find escape in drugs, or alcohol, on line roll playing, or video games. Addictions of all kinds have popped up on this planet all because fiction for many is better then reality. It’s a sad state of affairs we find our selves in when we no longer want to face any problems but instead turn to means to deaden the internal pain, dull our minds, and kick the can down the road for yet another day.

Sadly it isn’t just reality people are hiding from, it’s all negative feelings or emotions. We’ve become a society that at the first sign of trouble, or the first time someone’s brings up negative emotions, or ‘vibes’ as it’s called today, people run away. I have watched several people personally leave our ‘acquaintanceship’ because I had a bad day and wanted to talk about it. People only want to hear positive things; they don’t want to be bothered with reality. So long as life is rainbows and puppies they are happy, and anyone who threatens that is expendable. Because of this people no longer build relationships, they build acquaintances, and barely that. In the last 7 years I have been to several weddings, and I’m sad to say that all but two have already ended in divorce. During the wedding the rainbow seemed so bright and vibrant, and sometime over the course of their incredibly short marriages, that rainbow became gray and disappeared. It’s sad to think about how many people end their marriages these days. While I don’t know all the details of their divorces, those details are irrelevant. People have stopped living their lives in the way God says we should live, and we have stopped putting God first in our marriages. Sadly those kinds of relationships are about self, and not about the other person. When we ask what’s in it for me, or how does this make me feel, and we no longer ask ourselves what we can do for our spouse, we will grow in resentment, and heartache. We cannot continue wishing for what’s over the rainbow. We must face reality and live according to God’s will for us.

 

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I’m not saying you can’t dream, but especially when it comes to relationships, focus on what those relationships are really supposed to be. Find some happiness in your life the way it is and make that flourish. No the grass is not always greener on the other side. Stop taking for granted the gifts you have right now. Embrace them, and enjoy them. You don’t want your life to become stagnant though, so balance tomorrow and today. Enjoy your sunshine, enjoy the rainbow, and remember God’s always with us each and every day. Give thanks for another sunrise, and the many, many blessings we have. Hope in Jesus Christ came slower then the Jews wanted, but it wasn’t their timetable, it’s God’s. Trust in God, and focus on what you can change, and pray for the things you can’t.

 

Bullies

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Bullies

Sometimes in life you will encounter a person in power and they will be more or less a bully. I’ve been in situations where I’ve had bosses or supervisors that no matter what I’ve done or tried to do, nothing was ever good enough. I think we’ve all encountered people in our professional lives that just made the work experience near unbearable. A friend recently told me, “you don’t quit jobs, you quit managers.” I had never thought of leaving a job like that before. When I put a little thought into it, I realize that most of the time when I have not liked a job, it turned out to be the boss that made it the worst.

The Devil is a bully. He will push you, lie to you, and attempt to break you. The Devil hates you for all that you are. Isn’t it wonderful though that we have a God that loves us for who we are? We never have to work for that love. We’re not judged with how much we work, or how many brownie points we can get. God is fully aware of what’s in our heart and our motives. It’s the love that matters.

When you encounter a bully in your life there are millions of ways people will tell you to handle them. In my own life I have heard the, ‘just ignore them.’ Advice. I have heard the, ‘make fun of yourself right along with the bully,’. I have heard ‘stand up for yourself, by any means necessary.’ While each one of these is very popular, I would suggest turning to the bible to find your true good advice Matthew 5:43-48“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers,[a] what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” We cannot allow ourselves to loose sight of God. We must not allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness. Anger, and hate lead to the dark side. We must stand firm. We must never loose control in anger. 2 Timothy 1:7“7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

It’s easy to get wrapped up in our anger and that anger can blind us to the path that’s best for us. That anger and rage that can bubble up from years of torment, or physiological torture, can be hard to control. We must never set out to find our own vengeance though. Violence always begets violence. We cannot expect to change the world by physical means. Romans 12:19-20 “19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it[a] to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” If your bully attacks you, ask if you can pray for them. If they attack you, ask if everything’s okay at home. Bullies often have misguided anger or rage. Do not hate the bully nor pass judgment upon them. We never know someone’s circumstances, and while it never excuses their actions, it may provide some incite. Generally, hurting people hurt others. We cannot allow ourselves to let our tormentors to breach our heart with hate. We must not allow hate to take route in our souls. 1 John 2:9 “Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness.”

We must stand firm on love. Let love be our war cry and in everything we do, and everything we experience trust in the Lord to save you, and pull you through. Psalm 18:3 I ” call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” We have to trust in the Lord to deliver us from evil. There will always be bullies for as long as there is anger and hate in this world. Bullies feel the need to be in power. Bullies feel the need to be in control and those in control often feel they have to force their subordinates into submission. Matthew 5:38-41“I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” The bullies we have will beat you and hurt you emotionally. They will continue to try to break you down and look forward to seeing you breaking.

We have all encountered these people in our lives. Many have experienced bullying in school, and some in the adult world. Those difficult people are everywhere and in our struggle we must pray to be delivered from the hands of the enemy. Psalm 82:4 “Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” No matter the trials that befall you, you get back up and never let your own worth reside by the hands of your enemies. We must remain strong, and trust that we are worth more then what others can make us feel. Proverbs 24:16“for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.” We must always get back up. We know that for every fall we rise in strength, and we can be stronger then before if we learn a lesion with each fall. Finally I will say do not attack your attacker. We must learn and I must reiterate the importance to not attack your attacker. I am not saying do not defend yourself in the event there is a physical altercation, but what I am saying is never attack out of anger. If you are being physically assaulted you should leave that situation and find help, or defend yourself and at the first chance remove yourself from your situation and again go find help. Stand firm in your faith and with love and compassion live your life. 1 Peter 3:8-9“8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.”

Tough Changes

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Tough Changes

Have you ever been in a situation where you dreaded to face changes? I recently experienced the need to change my cell phone case. It wasn’t allowing me to use the functions as they should have been and it became more of an inconvenience then the protection it added. I think tough changes are hard for many people to go through. Changes at your job can be tough, and stressful. Changing schools can be tough for many. Moving out of your parents house and getting your own place can be an incredibly hard change to go through. All of these things are easy or difficult depending on each individual person. While for each situation everyone’s reaction is drastically different, and while some love change, and others loath it, one of the biggest things to change is our actions.

A popular saying is “some people never change.” Another popular saying is “once a cheater, always a cheater.” While both of these are very popular, how true do you personally think these sayings are? From my personal experience I believe they are right on the money. I think the hardest thing we will ever do is change our personality to change our actions. I’ve always said humanity would never change without a major outside force. I always figured a global extinction event such as asteroid, or drought, or contagion would be the most likely just behind nuclear war. Alien invasion (less likely) could potentially bring humanity together to face a common enemy. That being said, most people do not change without something big, and life changing occurring within their life or someone very close to them. Cancer, or a near death accident has a way to change someone’s perspectives. While we often see a spiritual change in some during these times, it doesn’t always stick. The biggest change most will ever experience is the coming to the savior Jesus Christ. It’s the change in the heart that can change a man completely.

Romans 12:1-2“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” In the Lord we are born anew. In the Holy Spirit the soul is reborn in fire. When the Lord takes hold of our hearts, we cannot not be changed. We must push forward in the Lord and we must face that like the Phoenix, we are reborn in the burning fires of the Lord, and in our new selves we are compelled to repulse the desire of the sinful flesh. 2 Corinthians 5:17“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Change isn’t always easy, and even when you begin the following of the Lord, change isn’t always easy even after choosing the Lord. In our struggles though we should turn to our siblings in Christ and ask for them to help keep us accountable and true. We grow and we sprout from seeds in Christ and grow into a wonderful flower. The beauty in this world is only limited by our own stubborn selves. We often want to stay in our struggles because we are unwilling to change our own actions. We must change our lifestyles if we are ever expecting to change our own lives. I have watched my life grow and change in my financial walk with the Lord, my spiritual walk with my God, and even how I treat my friends. While life is full of tough challenges, changing our hearts to follow the Lord, and living in love, and denouncing hate shouldn’t be so hard, but the draw of sin is strong. Keep your faith, and keep your eyes on Jesus and always strive to change yourself to better please the Lord to what we see in scripture. Never give up hope on those around you who may be stuck in sin, and who don’t treat others with respect or love. It

Who Are You?

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Who Are You?

I’ve been putting a lot of thought into labels. “Please Lord Help Me Get One More!” (Pvt Doss) Who are we in the Lord? I have gone one day after another moving through life, and from one day to the next I have gone from one label to the next. I have searched for my place in this world, and growing up I felt lonely. I felt hallow year after year. As time went on I would find myself in labels. I became a vice president of SADD, a boyfriend, an actor, and as time went on a soldier, and a veteran, and a husband. One by one those labels would pass away into memory and would no longer hold any significance in my life. As time moved on and as one by one the label that once defined me became meaningless, just a memory. After my first divorce I never imagined I would ever have to go through that kind of pain or suffering again. As I fell in love and moved towards marriage again, I trusted I wouldn’t be forced to relive that kind of pain. The label I most relate to now, is broken. I’m a two time divorced thirty something year old man, physically broken, emotionally broken, and in between my own moments of clarity, a reminder of how fragile that peace truly is. A lie here, a deceit there, and a broken heart, a hole ripped open and not filled. A wound that heals, and before it’s done, it’s ripped open again. So, who am I, the truth, I don’t know. I don’t honestly know who I am anymore. I’ve been in this fire, this crucible for so long now I don’t know how to get out.

I’ve struggled a long time with heartbreak; I have struggled a long time with a point in time where I got stuck. Some days I feel like I’ve taken such great steps forward, and then without warning, I’m right back there. A record scratched unable to play through the song. I know my pain is real, and yet, I feel like I am weak because I haven’t been able to move forward and radically accept the world as it is, accept my new path, and accept to move forward. I pray daily to the Lord on high to take my pain away, but here I am, so many months later, crying, unable to face the pain I feel deep inside. I feel as if I will break apart over and over if I let myself go. I am afraid of myself, and I’m afraid of what my future might hold if I let the gates open.

The world isn’t a fair and just place. The world is governed by sin, led by the Devil to break us down, to push us and try to sway us away from God. What happens when we suffer in pain? What people go through is horrific, it’s unimaginable, it’s a struggle sometimes just to breath, but what is that pain really mean? Pain is the result of something upsetting the balance of our lives in a negative way. Pain is a change from our comfort forcing to manage an event that is horrible. What happens to people that causes pain is the work of evil. There is no promise to a pain free life. As long as there is free will in the world evil will find a way. Bad things happen to a lot of people, a lot of good people who perhaps the evil things happening is unfair, but we live in a world fallen from grace, and this life, for better or worse is our test. Evil exists in the world because free will allows us to follow our own path, and deviate from the path of God. God is with us every moment of every day in our walk, and yet, when the pain happens the emotions we feel is still very real. We cannot expect to turn them off and pretend like the traumas didn’t happen. There’s something we need to do, something we all must do in order to bring balance, to bring closure, and to move forward.

Who are we? We are men, women, children, fathers, and mothers. We are cooks, and poets, painters, and singers. Craftsman of all kinds whether it be of young minds as a teacher, or protectors of others as military, or police. Whatever we are as a profession, that’s not the label we should identify with. We are children of the king. We are sinners, and we are royalty to paradise. Some choose a path that does not include God. Some choose a path that includes a false idol. We are all judged equally at the foot of the cross, the very spot where blood was spilt to redeem us of our sinful nature. The blood that was spilt bridged the chasm that had existed for so long with a bridge of light and love. Jesus was the sacrifice for the world to break the chains that held us to damnation. I was asked recently how God could make Jesus die on the cross for our sins; God didn’t make anyone do anything. Free will has existed and if Jesus wanted to rule the world as an overlord, he could have. God was Jesus, and took the punishment for sins in a moment of divine separation from God to man. The blood spilt from the cross to the ground covered the earth and released us of the ramifications that sin forever separated the Father and us. Sin remains but we have the choice to follow Christ and allowing the Holy Spirit, which rose from death to cover the world in light. We were bought at a high price, a sacrifice from our father to take upon the punishment needed for sin, instead of having us take that punishment on ourselves. We would never be able to pay the debt needed to wipe away sin. Jesus Christ died for us, to give us a chance at paradise, but we have to make the choice ourselves. One thing with choice, and this may be the hardest thing we will ever do, forgive those who’ve hurt us. Forgive those who have brought pain like we wouldn’t believe is possible. Forgiveness is never excusing someone for his or her actions. It’s never absolving them of the justice that is due, but it brings balance to our hearts when we give up our own selves, and allow God to be the judge of the sinner not us. Sinners cannot judge other sinners. At the foot of the cross each of us is guilty, none of us is deserving of the grace and mercy that was bestowed upon us, but in that grace and mercy comes trust. We go through life with our pain, our struggles, and the only way for us to find true healing and peace is to give it up to God. We were never meant to carry such burdens in our lives and that’s why God wants us to come to him and give them to him. Forgiveness is the hardest thing some of us will ever have to do in our lives. Facing such deep pain, deep anger, deep resentment towards a person or people for the actions that have in some way hurt or wronged us is quite possibly the hardest thing a person can do. Forgiveness is about healing. It’s about finding closure and learning how to move forward with our lives. Vengeance is mine sayath the Lord. We cannot understand how one sin is just as bad as the next, and in our own pain we are faced with a choice, one that we must make every day, move forward with forgiveness in our hearts. “Nobody gets away with anything. Everything here has consequences.”(The Shack) “I’m not asking you to excuse what he did, I’m asking you to trust me to do what’s right, and to know what’s best… ‘then what’ ‘forgiveness doesn’t establish a relationship, it’s just about letting go of his throat.” We get stuck in our pain because we won’t, not because we can’t.

In our walk of forgiveness we don’t have to do it alone. Every day we must learn to say it out loud. We must look at our pain and focus on the grace of God and believe that God is working even in the midst of the worst tragedies of our lives. “I’m still angry.’ Of course you are, no one lets go all at once. You might have to do it a thousand times before it gets any easier, but it will.” (The Shack)

The who is a child of the King. We are blessed with a God who loves each and every one of us in an individual way. We are more then the failures we make, or the wrongs we have done. We are more then whatever labels we have put on ourselves, and we are more then the pain we’ve endured. Don’t let that pain keep your from experiencing love, and joy again. Don’t allow your anger and pain, and guilt to rob you of a life in the love of Christ and others. Find yourself in the grace and love of Jesus. In all things good, and bad, and ugly Jesus said he would always be with us. When we suffer, we do not suffer alone. This life is the test for eternal life. The saying goes, you only live once, and while that’s true, it’s in this life we make choice after choice that will determine where we spend it. Every tear I cry God holds my tears as He’s always by my side. When my strength is almost gone and I wonder how I will carry on, I know, I remember that God is with me, side by side. Though I can’t feel the hand of God, I trust that it’s on my shoulder when I cry alone in a dark room. Having faith when you are broken isn’t easy. Having faith that those who’ve wronged you will be dealt with by Abba, it’s hard to not turn our focus to vengeance. Philippians 3:14“14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” We are called to give ourselves freely to Jesus. We are called to love our neighbors and in that love we are connected.

Every day you wake up is a blessing and a gift. It’s an opportunity to go out into the world and share the good new of Christ with people you meet. Some days, you may wake up and the pain you feel makes your legs led weights and it’s all you can do to get out of bed. When those days happen, just remember that God has chosen you for a purpose. We are many things in this life, but the one that stands above the rest is a warrior for Christ. To be a Christian is to be a soldier for the Lord. As the Lord has chosen different people from all walks of life, it’s sometimes hard to accept that we of all people are chosen for the tasks God has set out for us, but as those before us, God equips us for the mission and we must trust in the Lord to see us through. Judges 6:14“And the Lord turned to him and said, “Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?” The Lord chose a young man named Gideon and as it happens nearly every time, Gideon told God he’s got the wrong guy. Much like those before me, I have often said God had the wrong guy, that I was a nobody, I wasn’t fit to fill this position, but God sees the whole picture, while we only see a small puzzle piece. We are to inherit the royal kingdom of Heaven, so we are groomed from conception to be a champion.

Never stop believing in yourself. Never stop trusting in the Lord, and believing you are who God see’s you as. We all make mistakes, but if we are a champion, then we can make it through any challenge, we can survive any obstacle, and we will always come out on top because we have the strongest force around, the almighty father. We will all fall into many labels through our life, but the only one that truly matters is the champion for Christ. When we find ourselves low, and questioning who we are, where we have fallen to, or when we are trying to dig ourselves out of the rubble that is our life, we know that the storm is temporary. Heaven is eternity. God’s love and grace is never ending and we need to have faith in the plan we cannot see. Do not listen to the lies of the Devil who will try to make you believe you’re something you’re not. You’re not a looser, you’re not a failure, you’re not worthless. These things are not to be believed. We all fail sometimes, we all fall short of expectations, but that doesn’t mean we are forever in that position. In time we shall rise above, and knowing that Jesus is with us, holding our hand, guiding us, we need to listen to the spirit. Follow the guidance and rise and thrive. That’s who we are, we are warriors, and we never quit.

 

 

 

The Fear He Can Smell

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The Fear He Can Smell

The lion that stalks you in the darkest hours of the night. The storm that springs up from nowhere and tosses you around the sea. But how do you feel when life explodes all around you? The scent that emanates from the deepest parts of your heart when despair is all you know. The snake that slithers around, waiting and watching patiently for that scent to be strong. The Devil, much like the ParaDeomons from Justice League can smell fear. “Fear, they can smell it!” (Justice League) If we are to fight this spiritual war, we must first acknowledge something important, we must face our deepest fears. “You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.” (Morpheus, Matrix) We cannot allow our fears, or our doubts to cloud the truth of Jesus Christ. So many people want concrete proof with their own eyes to believe in a higher power. We can’t give in to our own fears and doubts. We must find our courage to stand tall, and continue to carry on.

“The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one’s crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain.” (Spock, Star Trek, 09) We will experience fear in our life. There are things we won’t be prepared to face, but the catch is we can turn to God for strength. God will never leave us to make it through on our own. Every day in our life is a test of some kind, and if we are to be the best Christians we can be, we have to learn how to face our fears, and to control them, not let them control us.

I can remember a few times when I was in Iraq I was scared. I remember the fear that would sweep over my body, and the question if I’d make it out alive or not would always creep into my mind. While my training allowed me to stay focused on the task at hand, I always reminded myself that if it was my time, God would take me home, and there wasn’t anything I could do about that. I became comfortable in the knowledge I may not make it home. When you get to the point where you’re comfortable with the idea of death, far less things will make you afraid. In my life today I find I am more fearless when it comes to myself, but when it comes to others fear still makes an appearance. I find now my biggest fears are that of abandonment, a fear of walking this journey alone without a companion. I think for me, this has been my weakness that the Devil has picked up on, and now uses as often as he can. My fear of being alone seems to be something I just haven’t been able to shake. As I watch friends get married, engaged, or have children, I now find myself longing for those things. My life hit a snag and the reset button was hit. Now I am starting over again, and the fear of tomorrows fate scares me. I know through my life as I’ve watched one love after another move on without me, now I’m left fearful of my fate. I do not desire to be alone, and my fear is that I have somehow deserved this fate. I know that my fear is strong in this area of my life. That fear trickles to other parts in my life. The lies whispered to me from the Devil playing on my insecurities my own self worth. I have always questioned my looks, my personality, and wondered why I’ve been alone so often. I have wondered why so many have left me, and while I realize I’m not perfect, I’m not in control of others and their own moral compass. My fears have plagued me for many years, and if I’m ever going to be happy with myself, and if I’m going to find that happiness while on my own, I must acknowledge my fears, and then learn to face them.

We all have fears, but the catch of living this life following Christ is not allowing that fear to dictate our actions. We must walk by faith, not sight. We must trust in the one who gives us our strength, our courage, and trust in the Lord and lean not unto our own understanding. We must believe that the turbulent waters are just temporary, and just around the river bend the calm straight is waiting for us. Do not fall for the lies the Devil will feed us. Fear is a liar, one designed to rob you from your happiness. I’m not talking about the fear that keeps you alive in the face of danger; I’m talking about the fear of moving forward. Trust in the Lord and believe that your salvation is the most important thing, and the rest, if part of the plan, and faithfulness will fall into place. We often want what we want, and if we live in the past, we are telling God you don’t trust him. You’re telling God you’re going to do it your way, and his timing isn’t good for you. Stop letting fear rule your emotions and your actions. Face your fears and come out on top. You are in control, not fear. God is with you always, and for that, there is nothing to fear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Light or Dark

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Light or Dark

The darkest night covers me and I need you

The sun fuels my heart and gives me warmth and strength. I need you then too.

Because of you I’m alive.

No matter where I am, or the season I’m in, my Lord I need you.

Who am I without you, I am no one.

The Lord of all knows my name.

 

The Lord who created in love not because of what I do, just because I am. I am a sinful man, but love saved me. Never because of what I’ve done, just because of what you are. No matter my of praise, or my day of prayer your grace comforts me. Today the flowers bloom, and tomorrow the ice shall come, but in all my day, and in all my ways I am yours. Because you are with me I shall not fear the night. The night was so dark without you, but your glory so bright the single ray of light when the sun peaks the horizon, the darkness breaks. Jesus Christ the pure light that would forever push the darkness away rose.

What do I have to offer the king of the universe, my heart, my everything, and yet I will never be worthy of the gift bestowed upon me. I can surrender all and even up to my life it would never cover the debt. But it is grace, and love my bill was covered by Christ. I was so loved before I was born that for me my sins and the sins of billions of others, a blood debt freely given, ransomed for my freedom of death. If my debt was paid when I’m knocked down, who then do I fight for? Christ got back up and his strength became my strength. I will get back up and continue to fight till my dying breath. I owe it to Christ to never give up and never surrender to the darkness.

God’s word has withstood the test of time, and even now as we can see the darkness covering the land, we will watch, as God’s will, will be done. Those who criticize the word and those who push to remove God’s presence from the public will one day stand in judgment. The light of the word may be pushed away but in time the raging tide will again be tamed by the Lord. God’s word will stand firm, and the darkness will be pushed back, snuffed out by the light. No matter how far we fall it’s never to late to change our course. We cannot stop praying, or hoping for God to save us. We cannot stop worshiping the Lord no matter if things are great, or if everything has been blown to a million pieces. Yesterday is gone and we don’t live there anymore. We must learn to say goodbye to the past, and live in today. The heart may have been broken yesterday, but every day we breath is a new day of growing, a new day of healing. We must tell ourselves every day that Jesus is still with us, and in his love we are healed. You cannot expect to have an answer for every tragedy that happens, and in our walk we must learn to focus on Jesus. This world is not the end, and one day the end will come on this life and the walls that kept us confined will be no more. This is not where we belong forever, and we can count on the promise made by Jesus to one day sit before the King and be accepted into the light. This life is but a fleeting speck of dust in the wind, and if we want to go home, know that this world will one day wash away.

Praise the Lord for success, and praise the Lord in failure. In every chance we get, both good and bad, fix your eyes on the one and only thing that will satisfy your heart and that’s Jesus. Life can be hard, and we are told to expect the trials that come, and the persecutions that come with following Christ, but “If you can take it, you can make it.” (Unbroken) I am a broken man, and I fail every day to live up to what God expects of me. I know I fail, and I know I fall, but I know that because of grace, and I know what true love means, I still stand here knowing God is with me. I know I have the power of the Holy Spirit with me and I’m called to be more. I’m called to push myself, and to stand toe to toe with the darkness. Every day I stand and pray to protect me from the attacks. Every day I praise my God for the blessings I have. I know I am protected and I know that for Jesus saves my soul every day. I know that every day I wake hope is here. Every day I see the hope all around me, and I know that it’ll be all right. I’ve experienced the darkness, and I’ve seen the light. I’ve felt the cold, but the warmth always triumphs. In every tear that falls God holds them. In every heart that breaks God feels our pain, and yet healing begins with Christ.

Light or dark, we decide where to stand. We can choose to stay in the darkness avoiding the light if we wish, but when it gets cold, or the demons come to creep, know the light will always accept you. You can choose to live in fear of the unknown, or you can choose to trust in Jesus and know that there is a brighter future waiting for you. You can choose to walk in the darkness, but no matter where you choose to walk, Jesus Christ is always there with you. If you choose to walk in the darkness, you have to expect to stub your toe on the furniture. Who then will you blame, God for not removing the obstacle, or yourself for not turning on the light? We as people will always learn more from hardships then a life of ease and calm rivers. If you are to be truly tested we must first be pushed to the limits to know what we are truly capable of. It’s in these times we need to turn to Christ more then ever, because we do not truly grow otherwise. We often pray for things we think are good for us, but we only see two feet ahead, but God sees a mile. We are but children clamoring around the house trying to place our finger in a light socket. God tries to warn us what not to do, but we are a stubborn people, and if we truly wish for a smoother ride we must learn to trust in the Lord and stop being so resistant to what we are told. God’s grace and love is unyielding, but our acceptance of it into our hearts is purely voluntary. Jesus loves you more then you know, and we should praise the Lord in all things, each and every day. Because our savior lives we must pray. We overcome by the power of His blood, and we are alive because he lives. Prayer is the absolute least we can do, and for the gift of life, shouldn’t we do at least that? We would be dead without Christ. Sin and shame would be all we are without the blood, and we’re alive because He lives. The light that would forever be the voice over the shadow, my life was and is held in His hands. So I pray to you Lord, thank you for my life, thank you for my pain, thank you for your love, and thank you for your gracious sacrifice for me. In your Holy Name, Amen.

Broken and a year of penance September 18th

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Broken and a year of penance September 18th

We feel broken and battered. The days that pass feel like an eternity and the weeks that pass are a struggle to rationalize the life lived, and why so much pain has befallen the young man. All his life he wanted to feel needed. A life that till then he had been left, he had been hurt, and he had been betrayed by those who were closest to him. His fear would get the better of him. The day came when the women he loved would walk away, she would choose another over him and the life he had worked so hard to build would fracture and crumble to the ground like a sand castle against the waves.

The fear and panic that took hold of him that fateful day would reverberate through his entire life and just like a ripple in the water, every single corner of his life would become distorted. He would loose the girl, he’d loose his job, he’d loose his closest friends, he’d loose his credibility, he’d loose his house, and when the dust settled even a year later his life would still be in shambles. He would struggle to gain ground, but the whole he dug himself would be slick and the mud soaked hole would swallow him whole.

He panicked and in a moment of weakness his fight would finally come to an end. He panicked at the thought of loosing his love. He couldn’t see a happy life without her. It was his fault and he screwed up. The judgment and punishment for that he decided for himself was beyond anything anyone would ever have dreamt for him. He faced the punishment in the wake of his devotion and couldn’t stand to loose someone else he loved with all his heart. Every day he relives the horrible tragedy. Every day he begs for forgiveness for what she saw, for what she heard. Every day he asks for forgiveness, but the truth is, he wonders if he’s been able to forgive himself. How could he live with himself for the pain he caused. Just like the stone into the water sent out the waves in his own life, so does the stone affect those close to him also. The tragedy touched the lives of his friends, his family, his church, his job, everyone that knew him now faced the unfortunate truth. He was weak. His weakness had no valid excuse. His need for punishment, his desire to endure the hardships in the wake of his own admission of guilt for everything that had transpired, he became the very thing he fought so hard against, Sin. In an act of pure cowardice, he became the sin eater for not only himself but for the women he loved.

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Could he suffer enough for the both of them and take that pain to the grave? While on the surface he played out the exact moment in his head, and in his head he saw survival, deep down beneath the surface he had to know, even if only in the subconscious that his life could end right there on those very steps. The truth didn’t matter at the time. He felt nothing but hallow, nothing but despair, and in that moment without hope all sense of rationalism, all sense of hope, of worth, ripped through him in the symbolism of the bullet. The hole physically made symbolized the struggle within. The near total blood loss, the breaking of bone, the damage done by something so small, so innocent looking, would be the agent of death. The agonizing pain, the sharpness of fractured bones, the suck of air from his lungs, the energy that gives life now laying in a pool on the ground. No longer just a symbol he had given up all he was for all of her. How could one man feel so much for one woman? The answer was in Christ for the church. Perverted as it may have been, he loved her so much, his failure, his punishment, his taking the sins he had committed, all the sins she had committed upon himself, and in a moment of sheer emptiness the bullet symbolized the self-Flagellant: “a person who scourges himself or herself as a public penance” A self display of pain as penance for wrong doing. An old archaic practice that in a moment of desperation became as prevalent as it once was in the 14th century. No longer bound by reason the sum of a life hidden, expunged from history, directed the storm to the cross through the heart and leave nothing left in it’s wake but destruction.

Sadly time cannot be undone, and the decisions made are cemented in horror and tragedy. Memories can be haunting and painful but they don’t have to destroy us. Psalms 34:18 “The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” No matter the struggle we face we have to keep the faith. The faith is all he has when the world beat him down to the brink of death. When a man would choose a fate worse then death to take on the pain and suffering of himself and loved ones, he has no where to go but up. When looking at the end the only end we can consider is that of Revelation 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” The end of our day is the end of our own pain. The end of time is also the end of suffering. As in all things the truth is often the most obvious. “Living is not for the weak.” (Anatoli, Arrow)

He’s not forgiven by those he hurt, and still the shot rings loudly in the dark at night. The mistakes made cannot be undone, and as he wishes every day he could take it back, every day he can’t a little piece of him suffers from the fate he brought upon himself. Every day the scars itch and the leg tingles as a daily reminder of the mistake that will haunt him forever. Every day he must wake with the aches and pains in the shoulder that remind him he’s still alive. The screams at night still haunt him, and the blood that still clings to the dog tags he wore that day. His blood, the blood that was spilt to take upon the wrongs of the world he knew, and so desperately clung too. The reminders every day of his failures hold most evident the new and daily truth, he has the power to intervene in others lives. Does this tragedy have to end with nothing but pain or suffering or can he use it to reach out to others? Can one man make a difference in the lives of others? Every day he lives to try and do one thing, to pay his penance. He can’t do it as himself so he turned himself into someone else, something else. He became a symbol. He doesn’t hide behind the mask, he embraces the darkness that was within, and he uses it in a force to enact change in others. Perhaps one day that mask may come off and he’d do enough good to make up for all the bad. The works to craft an identity to focus the thoughts, influenced by life, influenced by the light, a penance to right the wrongs.

 

 

 

 

Content with Weaknesses

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Content with Weaknesses

I’ve been pondering the sunrise and what it means to me. I’ve been pondering what I’m supposed to learn and what I’m supposed to do. I’ve been pondering why I’m here, and what this situation can teach me. I ask God for guidance, for blessings. I have come to realize in my so many years of living that the blessings I may have gotten are not necessarily blessings I’ve come to realize are actually good things for me. As I’ve questioned all of this and now I’m 1 week after surgery I find myself in a very different place then I have been in the past. I’ve been looking at my scars I’ve accumulated and it’s hard not to travel down memory lane.

One year ago I was on a trip that would ultimately change my life forever. It would start a turn of events that would forever change and alter life as I knew it. I would loose my wife, I would nearly loose my life, I would loose my job, I would eventually loose my home, and in the end my body would finally give up, and give out, and thus where I am 10 months later. As I now find myself living with my mother something that hasn’t been for 17 years. It’s a change to get used to for sure. As I’m sure there are reasons for everything that’s happened it’s difficult to take a step back from how different things are, the hope that things could go back, and even sometimes pray they would. As I’ve become more familiar with the change that’s going on around me, and even in my yearning to not give in to the ever changing life around me, I believe I’m finally starting to succumb to the change, and as parts of me are excited for the change, other parts hold onto the past.

As I am now stranded and not allowed to drive, I can’t lift, and bend, and stretch. I don’t have my things unpacked, and as I’m looking at the future, the 5 weeks I have left seem like an eternity. I find some things I once enjoyed doing, now seem like so much work or effort I can’t seem to put my finger on why I no longer feel the enjoyment I used too. I find myself missing things I once had that now seem like such a past memory that I’m forgetting the finer things in life.

For 10 years I lived my life with the comfort of a woman in my life. For 10 years I knew the touch of love, the smell of perfume, and the feel of soft lips on mine. Being single now since September and having absolutely no luck in the dating seen, the online dating seen, or anywhere in between, I find myself more and more frustrated. I can hear my pastor now, “you’ve got to learn to be comfortable with yourself, and in God’s time you will be knocked off your feet by the blessings you’ll get when it’s the right time, and when you AREN’T LOOKING FOR IT!” Yes, yes, I hear you.

I’m sure the good Lord has something planned for me, whether I know or understand it myself, and the truth is that’s the defining feature of faith. We may not ever see the direction, the plan, the lessons, but knowing they are there and knowing that God is in the drivers seat.

While I cannot for the life of me fully understand how my life’s taken such a turn to mirror Job’s life, I must remain in the faithful that my life will one day be restored to a glorious state that I can look back on this last year and hold it up as a bad dream. While we never know what the sunrise will bring, what we know is there’s a greater plan then what we could possibly ever know.

One thing I’ve been forced to see and something I’ve struggled with especially after the way in which my marriage ended was my own self worth, my own self-esteem, why was I not loveable, why was I disposable, expendable. For months after I questioned myself, I thought so poorly of myself the bottom of the barrel was actually looking pretty high. I’ve prayed day in and day out that somehow, someway, I’d be able to move forward. What I have wanted may not be what’s best for me, but as I fractured into two people 10 months ago, there’s the man that was the past, and the man that was the future. That fractured self has been at war, at odds now for all that time, and the war still rages on, an internal fight for the very future and when I look into the mirror I don’t know who I’m looking at anymore. I question God every day and in all that time I still haven’t come up with the answers I seek. Did I not love enough? Did I hold on to tightly? Did I give too many freedoms? Was I too trusting? What I not trusting enough? Did I just grow old and wasn’t important anymore? What would cause so many in my life to leave me high and dry, quit on me, and leaves? Looking at the math I’ve questioned how 415 Facebook friends, an entire church, several friendships from other jobs who either have nurse friends or are married to nurse’s who work in larger hospitals, yet with all my connections, and 10 months later on several dating apps and reaching out myself I find myself no closer to finding a date or anyone that a legitimate relationship would be possible. After so long and so many failures it’s easy to start to question ones self.

No matter how much we start to doubt ourselves there’s something we should remember. In all things remember 2 Corinthians 12:5-10 “5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses—6 though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Do not be prideful, do not be afraid to look in the mirror and smile at the creation God made. I have to believe that while I am alone now, and have been for a while, there’s a reason. I have to believe that God’s perfect plan is to make things better for me. No matter the fractured self, in time that fracture will mend, and the scars that are left behind, and there are scars, will be a reminder of the life of old, and the future that remains, a fresh canvas in which to pain a new work of art for the glory of God.