Tag: loss

20 Years Later 

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20 Years Later: 

This year the heaviness is greater than that of the recent years. I’m amazed at how deeply emotions can run within us. Since my incident in 2016, and all the subsequent therapy that came after it, I am far more aware of the emotions inside. I can cry at a moment’s notice. I can feel deeply, and feel badly for someone, even connect to the emotions within a show or song. Sometimes it feels like when we were ‘fixing’ me, we may have overdone it a bit in the emotions department. Like turning the dial a bit too far. 

Over the last few days I have found some of the little things have been affecting me more than maybe they should. I have relationships in my life that I feel deeply about and worrying about their soul, crying when no one’s looking, hoping they know Christ. I have wondered what I’m fighting for. I have wondered what I survived for. I have wondered what we fought for. Why did God spare me, but not my friends. Why did those RPG’s miss my truck? Why did the IED’s not disabled the truck and make us easier to kill. Why did the bullet not take my life, but my friends are gone. Why am I here, but my friend doesn’t see his nephew and nieces? Why was I spared, but not them? Why am I writing this, when my friend doesn’t see his son grow up to be a wonderful man? 

All four men left families behind. Loved ones. I have gone over that day so many times. I have remembered it, the details, the sight, sounds, smells, the feelings. It is more vivid, more detailed, more real when this dreadful day comes around. Today I have loved ones in my life that support me, love me, and all I can do is thank God for the time I have been given. I look to my life and know it isn’t deserved. I know I have fallen, and failed more times than I can count, yet God’s grace and mercy are with me. That’s the thing about his mercy, and grace, they aren’t deserved, or earned. We should never be given such blessings, but the thing about God, he’s also love. 

I figured out a long time ago I would never be able to earn my way into God’s graces. I would never feel like I deserved it, and in fact, I would often look to my life asking why God would spend so much time on a wretched sinner like myself. I do not know my purpose, or why God has spared my life so many times, but all I can do is live. I can live and carry those memories with me, and sharing their story. All I can do is carry the memory with me and keep them in my heart. Freedom here is never free, it’s paid for in blood, and sadly, most will never know the depth of sacrifice it has taken for the freedoms of this country. 

Scripture tells us in John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” Jesus showed us what it means to love. Jesus’s actions and forgiveness laid the foundation of what our lives should look like. We love one another, but the way we love is a poor replica of the love given to us by God. We abuse the word love, and we misuse the love we share to others. The service rendered to this country comes at a cost. I heard recently “soldiering isn’t easy on the body.” For some, it’s the end of all things in this world. 

For me, soldiering has left me in Chronic pain, sometimes bad enough to keep me in bed all day. One memory I will forever take with me is that of women being allowed to vote for the first time in Iraq. Was it worth it? What’s the price tag for giving freedoms to someone? What’s the going rate for offering people a chance to write their own course? Sometimes it’s taken for granted, and sometimes it’s spit on. I for one and proud of the work we did in Iraq, but in my heart, I know the price was dear. Many people go about their March 4th, just another day. For me, it’s a day of somber remembrance. For me, it’s a day for tears. For me, it’s a day to remember the cost of those who paid the price for my freedoms in this country. Most take a split second on memorial day, or veterans day to remember, for me, it’s deeper than a long weekend, full of bbq. For me it’s personal. Losing my friends, my comrades, my brothers in arms, taught me that tomorrow is never promised. Scripture tells us that our lives are like a vapor (James 4:14). And we are to number our days, so we may grow in a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12). Our time on this earth is short, and all believers have a mission, a purpose. We have all been given spiritual gifts to use in the growth of the kingdom. Life isn’t about the work we do, or the appointments we keep, or the money we make. Life is about the connections. Life is about the relationship with God first, then the body of believers second. We have to look out for one another. In today’s busy fast passed world, people are the worst at keeping in touch. When keeping in touch has never been easier, or taken less effort. With just a few thumb strokes you can call and video chat with someone. A phone call as old fashioned as it is, or a text on some platform. A message takes 5 seconds. We often ignore messages, or “forget”, or didn’t have time. All are poor excuses for neglecting a friendship. 

People today are going through a great deal of pain, and yet there are so few willing to help carry that burden. It’s true we have a level of responsibility for our own cross we bear, and some of our responsibility is to let God handle much of what we deal with, but having those friendships, the people to talk to, not being on an island by yourself, is important. Having believers and friends there is to have iron sharpen iron, so does a sharpens another man. (Proverbs 27:17). From my own personal experience this is not happening as it should. I try not to complain much in my life, mostly because I have grown up thinking most people don’t care. When it comes to the larger things, I’ve become accustom to asking for prayers, but the day-to-day stuff, I usually keep to myself. I do however, on average, send out 15-30 messages a day, to check on people, see how they are, and see if there’s anything they need prayer wise. On a good day, I may receive 2-3 messages in return. Most of those 15-30 messages, I never get a response. From a human perspective, of course this hurts my feelings. From a Christian perspective this hurts my heart. How little do we care, that we cannot take 5 seconds to send any kind of reply. I’m not a fan of the thumbs up emoji, but that would be better than nothing at all. No, today it seems, we are full of neglectful laziness. For some, I can excuse, they saw it, forgot, etc. But never getting back to it, not only is that neglectful of your duties as a friend, but also, in my mind, a reflection of how you feel about the friendship. I may be wrong, but it’s how I feel after dealing with these particular issues for many years now, that it’s only continued to grow worse. 

Life is short, from car accidents, to random public violence, to health problems, we never know if there is a tomorrow. But in reality, what we need to focus on is, ‘is there a tomorrow for them?’ I don’t send the message for just myself, but for the recipient. I send it so they know they are thought of, that they are on someone’s mind, that they are cared for. How many of us feel like someone out there cares enough about us to send us something? I’d say most are few. Such a simple thing to do, a small simple message, a hello, a prayer, showing the love of Christ in such a small, easy, and quantifiable. Yet, we are too busy or just don’t care. 

20 years ago, I today I lost my friends in an attack in the city of Ar-Ramadi. Not a day goes by I don ‘t think of them, but this year has been heavier. Perhaps I see the results of a life left behind, that makes me have a bit more survivors’ guilt than usual. The families they were not here to see, the kids, the nieces, nephews, wives, that those people had to move on or grow up not knowing their fallen loved one. We don’t always know the why, know what God’s plan or purpose is. I learned very early in my life how important our time is, and how short it is. A few days ago I was driving home and there were almost 30 rescue vehicles at the gas station near my home. By the looks of it a car hit the center of a telephone pole. I don’t know exactly what happened, but regardless, that many emergency vehicles, something terrible happened. I don’t know if anyone was killed, but it was a reminder that life changes in an instant. We just don’t know how many days we have. Death is not something we want to think about, but it comes for us all, and not all of us are in our beds and die of old age. It’s just the simple truth. Do we know the Gospel of Jesus Christ? Do we know how our sins condemn us to Hell, a guilty verdict before the judge? Do we know that the only choice of not dying is by the sacrificed blood of Jesus, the Son of God, equal to God? Jesus died so we may live. Jesus died as a lamb for us, but rose as a triumphant King. He is Lord, and creator over all, and a day is coming when every knee will bow, every tongue shall confess he is Lord. Jesus is not just savior, not just the fire insurance, but he is Lord. He deserves our praise, and worship. He deserves our obedience to his commandments. We should want to do as he wishes and commands for us. His sacrifice is not a license to sin, and his grace and mercy are not those things either, but rather we test the waters to see how much we can get away with. Shame on us. We abuse his mercy, we abuse is love, and his grace. And in reality, we do not show the love to our neighbors as we should, when we forsake our friends. We ought to do better, for time is short, and the hour is nearer than it was. What do we need to be saved? Have faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Repent of your sinful ways, and be baptized. The path to destruction is wide, the way to the kingdom is by the narrow way. 

Be blessed, go and love one another as Christ loved and died for the church. 

Years End 2023

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Years End 2023

This has been a year of ups and downs. This year I have had some wonderful memories, but also deep hurt. I am happy to say that in April I was married to my best friend. I had the most memorable wedding I could have ever dreamt of. It was full of all things nerd, from Star Trek, to Star Wars, Power Rangers, Lord of The Rings, light saber fights, Titanic, a little Renaissance and elves. It was pretty amazing if I do say so myself, having planned the whole thing. I know, weird for a guy to plan a wedding, but we all have to step up sometimes. The honeymoon was amazing and different to say the least. 

While it has been amazing to have my wife here from the Philippines, I wish I could say this year has been a honeymoon type year, but it has not. From troubles over the summer, to health issues, to financial struggles, to troubles with the tent (that we live in) and then planning for a surgery, it has been a tough year. 

Just a week ago I received a call from my surgeon and the surgery was canceled, and not for a good reason. The surgery would be far more extensive, but because of that, it has to wait, likely for several or more years. Meaning there is nothing we can do to fix the problem now. I have to face the fact my neck is really messed up, and the only fix is not something we can do now. 

Then, there’s the loss of my beloved Cooper. He was 11 years old, and trained as a service dog. While he dropped out of training, he became an amazing therapy dog. He was beloved by the whole family. He was the gentlest, and soft, squishy dog out there. He was very similar to a Squishmellow. His loss has been devastating to me above everyone else. His loss has hurt me more than the rest of the family. While it’s only been a few weeks since his loss, it’s still very near to my broken heart. 

While there have been hardships, I can say God has shown up in a mighty way. God works things out, and while I don’t understand much of what’s transpired this year, I know that God is in control, God is sovereign and as scripture says, Psalm 24:18 “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit.”

It seems fitting that today of all days, I am sick. While this year has had some great moments, sadly it has been far outweighed by the hardships. That being said, that’s not always a bad thing. Trials are tough, but it is in these times we need to turn to God. James 1:2-4 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” I can say with absolute certainty, I have not missed anything this year. While I have often struggled on my veteran’s income to make ends meet, the Lord has provided. I have struggled with a great many things this year, but I have never gone without shelter, or food, friends, and most importantly I have not gone without my lovely wife, my beautiful Filipina bride. She has been such a blessing in my life, a beautiful gift of God’s perfect will for my life. 

I have a great many prayers for this upcoming 2024, and the biggest of those prayers is that my wife continues to grow with the Holy Spirit. It’s that she knows God more, and has a closer relationship to Him. I pray that my family remains safe, happy and healthy. I pray that my wife and I continue to grow together as we put God first and as we get closer to God, we shall grow closer in our marriage. Scripture is clear that God is always the priority. We know as a God-fearing couple, that God comes first before each other. I know that may sound strange to some, but when you look at a triangle if God is at the top, and her and I are each of the bottom points, as we grow closer to God, the distance between us grows closer also. I cannot speak highly enough of my wife and how wonderful and amazing and caring she is. 

In recent months I have worked with Wounded Warrior Project, and I am thankful that I was selected to be a peer mentor for the male Project Odyssey. I have also begun to spend a great deal of time with a local veterans group that does a ton of projects and outreach for our community. I pray that 2024 allows me more time to reach out to more people, share the gospel, and my prayer is to continue to serve, to take the time God has given me and serve more faithfully. I pray that my wife and I study together more, and I can be faithful in my own personal studies. I pray the Lord uses me to grow His kingdom. I pray that the Lord blesses me with a positive outcome for my fight to get my social security benefits so I may better provide for my family. I pray that as things change, I may be able to find a home that isn’t a canvas one, as I still nearly 3 years now, live in a tent. I also pray the Lord continues grow my blog, and I pray the Lord will bless me with the money to get the podcast equipment I need to work on it. Most of all, I just ask that the Lord be with me. I am thankful for Jesus and the sacrifice He made on Cavalry for me. In a whisper thousands of angels were at his disposal and he could have chosen to wipe out the entirety of the earth. Considering how poorly the creator of the universe was treated when he came to this place, when he stepped out of eternity, and came into time. Jesus humbled himself to be born of a woman. He humbled himself to step out of glory and put on flesh. He was born not in an Inn, or at home, or in a palace, but rather in a place where the animals laid, and he himself was laid in a manger, a feeding trough, and covered in swaddling cloth, just simple pieces of cloth ripped from clothing to cover him. Jesus showed us grace and mercy we did not deserve then, and do not deserve now. Jesus was rejected in his own home town of Nazareth. He was rejected by the same people he came to save, and he hung on that agonizing tree he created, to be the spotless lamb for us. He took our place, a sentence of death and Hell we deserved. He did not give us what we deserve and as such, we need to do what is right, and that is to commit ourselves to the Lord. Not just as fire insurance in a savior, but in Lord over all creation. 

Have we humbled ourselves to Jesus as Lord? Have we taken down our selfish pride and need to be in control, and replaced it with selfless service to the Lord Jesus? As we step from 2023 to 2024, the change in the calendar doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, but let us start the year off right. Let us remember the reason we are here and that is to worship and serve a rightness and Holy God. To follow Jesus if he is a lie, you lose nothing. BUT if he is the TRUTH, which he is, and there is plenty of evidence to prove he is, if you do not follow Jesus, you lose everything. Consider the evidence, consider the nature of the Bible, the truth of the life of Jesus, the testimony of lives changed through the work of Christ, and know that He is the Way, the Truth, the Life, and no one gets to the father but through Him. Jesus did not come to be a way to the Father. He did not come so you could live a life your own way, covered in your own sin, and think of God’s law as mere guidelines. If scripture says it’s a sin, then no amount of time or cultural change, will alter the fact that sin is the same yesterday, as it is today, as it will be tomorrow. Sin is treason against a Holy and Righteous God, and must be treated as such. Grace is not justification to sin, and no amount of feelings, will change what sin is. Scripture says to reject sin, so hate your own sin, and flee from it, not get comfy with it and just accept it as normal or right. There is no justification for living in sin. Jesus came to fulfil the law of Moses, to be the substitution for our sins, to rule from the right hand of the father, being our mediator, our high priest, and when Satan goes before the throne, the great accuser and points out our failings, Jesus’s blood covers us, and the father only sees the blood of his son.  Let us start off this next year on the right foot. Let us know Jesus, and more importantly, let us live a life in which Jesus knows and sees us. There will be many people in Hell who knew scripture, who said they knew Jesus, but their heart was in the wrong place. Let us know who He is as Lord, and what can we do to serve Him, not to receive anything in return, but to worship Him because He deserves worship. We do not worship and give so that we may be blessed in return. It is not if you are faithful God will give you everything you want, and if you tithe you will receive bountiful wads of cash in return. If you pray and are faithful enough you will be healed, because none of that is scriptural. 

I leave you with this, 

The FIVE SOLA’s

Sola Gratia- Saved by Grace Alone

Sola Fida – Through Faith Alone

Solus Christus- In Christ Alone

Sola Scriptuara – According to Scripture Alone

Soli Deo Gloria – For the Glory of God Alone 

We are not saved by works, or traditions, or how much we tithe. We are saved by grace, through faith, in the finished works of Christ, according to the word of God (Scripture) and in the Glory of God alone. Have a glorious new year and may God bring blessings upon you, may he create in you a new heart made of flesh. May you be a new creation, and may the Holy Spirit come to you so you may worship and know God. 

Happy New Year 2024. 

At Years End 2022

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The world isn’t a place for everyone. For some, the world is only paradise they will ever know. The price of darkness may never feel the need to attack you. See, this world can be like a prison. For some, they will stay inside their walls freely, never seeking to escape, never reaching for the open door. For others, the prison like those in the matrix, they can feel something is wrong with the world. “It is all around you, even in this very room. You can see it when you look out the window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.” (The Matrix) so many people are content eating their steak, and going about their day to day lives without care for the truth. People die young, cancer attacks a child, the wife has an affair and destroys everything. There is betrayal, and lies, and hardships beyond imagining. When was the last time you saw public outcry against Muslims, against their belief that homosexuality is a sin? Or that in Muslim countries there are strict laws against it. When was the last time you heard the outcry against Buddhism? Why is the world not attack other faith? I believe the answer is clear, why would Satan put time attacking something that isn’t true? Satan doesn’t see the others as a threat so there is no need to put his forces against falsehoods.

Sin does not need to be taught. Sin comes naturally in this world. We often cry out to God upset at the Father because of calamity that befalls us. How much of our struggle is of our own making? How much is caused by our own actions, our own lust of the selfishness and narcissistic behavior that lives in sin? When we are not walking with God we get mad at God for allowing disaster. Judgment comes in many ways to those who mock Gods commandments. When we are silent in our hearts about the sin that infiltrates and destroys our communities, judgment is imminent. We have spit in the face of God. We have turned our backs on His teachings. We have neglected his commands and commissions. Now as the world turns to darkness we cry out asking for salvation.

The path to destruction is wide and the way to salvation is narrow. The struggle in which we find ourselves can be seen as tests, or as a forge. In the military we train as we fight. We prepare for battle by simulating battle. We seek knowledge, and stamina by continually training. In a world clouded in darkness, those who wish to fight back, to stand firm against the enemy, must be forged into something new. You must be born again, for only those born again will enter the Kingdom of God. (John 3) If we are born again don’t we need to be trained for our new selves? Don’t we need to be taught and prepare for the obstacles we face in our new lives?

2022 was a rough year. From injuries, to illness, to setbacks in personal areas in my life, to kidney stones, to infections. After all the injuries and sickness, disappointment set in. On top of everything else, the longest run of depression i’ve ever had, had turned an already difficult year, into a battle of battles. What else would make for a truly awful year? Chronic pain. Chronic pain often brings forth and exasperates depression, fatigue, and of course pain. The hardships faced this year, for some would turn them a way from God. For me, it draws me near to Him. Does this mean, life isn’t full of frustration, or hardships of emotions. Of course this journey is hard, and full of emotions, but Jesus knows our difficulties. It’s precisely why the hope He offers is so much more important. What is it we fear? “Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. (Matthew 10:28)” In Jesus we not only find our hope, but our peace. “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. (John 14:27)”

Have I not seen Jesus in my life? Have I not felt his presence rest upon me as the enemy bared down to murder me? Have I not heard the voice of the Father, breathe new life into my lungs as life drifted away from my body? Faith, is an essential and interesting thing. What was it Jesus said to Thomas? “Jesus said to him, “Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed. (John 20:29)” I have seen, and I have believed. This does not make the journey less difficult, or even emotionally easier, but it does mean I have hope. It means there is rest at the end of this long race I run. Jesus overcame Sin, broke the chains that held us. We will have hardships, and trials, and even at times, we will be broken hearted. Faith in Jesus, and the path set before us is one many will endeavor to walk, but will fall away, run away, or stay away from. Jesus through the word, the Logos, has given us everything we need to traverse the difficult road ahead. We have his Word, the Helper (Holy Spirit) to be our guide. We do not travel alone but the brotherhood (sisterhood) of those who also follow the way. We have the testimony of those who walked before us and left us the eyewitness statements. We have the martyrs who gave up everything for the truth. We have our fellow believers who walk with us today. We have all the tools to manage through this struggle, and the Lord our God, prepares the called, he does not call the equipped. Blessed are the meek, the poor, the gentle, those who mourn, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, merciful, pure of heart, the peacemakers, the persecuted, and those insulted and persecuted because thy follow Christ. We must have faith in our path and lean not of our own understanding. We must trust the Father in the hardships we face. We must learn from our mistakes and be honest of our sinful actions and deeds. We must hold ourselves accountable and responsible to Gods law, not the law of Man which spits in the face of the Father. As darkness spreads and becomes all the more intense, allow Christ to shine through you ever more brightly. Snuff out the darkness, not of our own doing but that of the Lords work through us. We never know whom watches us, or the purpose of a thing, but we know, through Lord all things are possible. All hope resides in Him. For it is in Him miracles still happen. It is in Him, the lost see the light. It is in Him our actions may bring glory and honor to His name.

Let us lift up the Lord Jesus name and praise him in the storm. Let us worship Him in the rain, the sunshine, the coldest of nights, and the hottest of days. Be of good cheer and rejoice and sing Hallelujah, for even now Emanuel, Emanuel on the highest. Worry not about today, nor tomorrow. Trust in the Lord your God and fight the good fight, till He calls you home.

Finding Value

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You will never be able to please everyone. You will not always be valued by everyone. You may question your own value, your own place in this world. You may feel like you’re all alone in a sea of people. You may downplay your worth. You may feel ignored or pushed aside. The truth is, this isn’t uncommon. These attacks of spiritual warfare are designed to wedge between you and the Father. No matter how you feel, the reality is sinners cannot be the determining factor of your value. Sinners will always let you down, and fail you. Our value comes from Christ alone. We have value only because Christ values us. It’s the love Christ gives to us that makes us valuable. There is sentimental value on us even though we are enemies of God. It’s here we find ourselves. Not by which the world says we have value, which is selfish idol worship, but rather in the Love the Father gives knowing every intricate part of us, since He knitted us together and knew us before the formation of the universe. Do not fall victim to the fancy and shiny lure of the world, but understand what true love is, what true love looks like. That’s where you’ll find your real worth, your real value. That’s where you will find true love.

A collection

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Busy:

Busy busy our lives are

So fast goes the clock, so fast the sun moves till it’s dark.

Where did the time go, all the work, the day slips by.

We run and run, appointments, and clean, eat, and work.

Ding goes the phone, a message to glance at. But busy busy, no time.

Sleep comes, and flies by.

Jingle jingle goes the alarm. Check the phone, and off we go.

No time to reply, we must go go go.

Days go by, and busy still, so so busy.

Scrolling through facebook, post this, post post that.

Bills, and work, cook, and sleep.

Buzz buzz, the phone says a message. A glance, but to busy to reply.

Tick Tock:

The time tick by, work, and t-ball, lunch, and laundry, post post to Facebook, online for a bit, then off to sleep. Days days, and weeks to months. How quickly it goes, but all the days, and nights, who’s over there? Who’s on the other end? Tick-tock we can’t go back, the time goes by, who’s there? Ring ring, goes the phone, no answer, no answer. Too busy, or unimportant….. ring ring, but silent, empty, no answer, no nothing.

PSA: Please remember that not everyone is vocal about their struggles. Some struggle in silence. As a nation we don’t like to talk about mental health very much. We don’t like to talk about depression, bi-polar, anxiety, etc. Some people truly suffer in silence. They may go to work, go to their kids games, even have a social media presence, but please know, millions truly do suffer in silence. Be kind, tell your friends you love them. Tell your family how much you appreciate them. Keep showing up and speaking love into the lives of those you interact with. Life’s far too short for us to simply stay in our lane with blinders on.

Faith:

Faith doesn’t always come easily. When times are good, it’s simple to be thankful and happy. When times are bad however, how quickly do we loose our faith in God. We faultier when relationships end, when sickness comes, or when a loved one is taken from us. It is in these times I myself have fallen short of the cross. I have lost sight of who the Father is. Anger, frustration, confusion, and so many other emotions can cause us to forget that Gods will is perfect. God is sovereign. Will we understand? No probably not. But we live in a fallen world. We live in a place that was corrupted and remains corrupted by the blackness of sin. Jesus lost his earthly father at a young age, so we know he understands our pains. Jesus was forced to leave home at the age of two. He lived abroad away from his people in a land not of his own. He understands our sufferings. Faith built on Jesus is built on the rock. It’s foundation should be strong. Do not let this world, do not let Satan, fracture your foundation or tear you away from God the father. Hold strong through the storms. You are not alone in your struggles.

Sometimes:

Sometimes people move on, they don’t call anymore, or write, or text. Sometimes this comes gradually, or all at once. Does this hurt? Sure it does. Sometimes people change, they change their views, their priorities, their opinions, their faith, does it hurt? Sure. Sometimes people you once knew, turn their backs and walk away. Sometimes people talk behind your back. But, sometimes there are friends who stick by you through thick and thin. Sometimes a friend calls out of the blue to just see how you’re doing. Sometimes a friend sends a card, or a text just to say hello. No matter where you are, on any of these things, remember that while we were but sinners, enemies to God, Jesus gave his life to pay the ransom for our sins, our transgressions. WE cannot hope to be perfect, and nor can we expect sinful people to be so. People hurt people because we are hurting. Our sin drives us to make horrible choices, sinful, selfish, dark choices. It is in our sins we find the failings in others, but also in ourselves. While we will be hurt by others, it is vital to our own spiritual health, to forgive those who trespass against us. We must forgive as our savior asked for our forgiveness to what we had done. In our short comings we must fall on our knees, repent, turn from our sinful ways, and beg God for forgiveness. We must never forget what was done on the cross for us, and as such, the next time someone turns from you, walks away, or just isn’t the friend they should be, forgive, and be gracious. Love all, and pray for your enemies. Never loose sight of the one relationship that matters most, Jesus loves you, and was a willing sacrifice so we might live.

Starving:

I eat and yet I am hungry. I drink, and yet I thirst. The addict gets their fix but a hunger, a craving that comes back, time and time again. We are driven by our sin, the lusts of the flesh. We want the worldly things, from women, to power, money, toys, fame, and whatever else you can think of. But it’s more than that isn’t it? It’s wanting to be liked. It’s wanting to be accepted. It’s not wanting to be alone. There is so much of this world we hold onto, but it leaves us what? Wanting more. It reminds of the pirates from “Pirates of the Caribbean” and in it Barbossa says this “But the more we gave them away, the more we came to realize. The drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, nor the company in the world would harm or slake our lust. We are cursed men, Miss Turner. Compelled by greed, we were. But now, we are consumed by it.” Aren’t we consumed by our very sin? In fact, Jesus says this John 4:13-14 “13 Jesus answered, Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” Let us never grow weary of taking in the Holy Spirit. Let us never forget what and who is with us every day. Let us never forget what the world has to offer is but temporary, but that from God is eternal.

The Tears Fall

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I can’t help but let the tears fall.
The thoughts swirl in my mind.
I hear the explosion.
I see the smoke.
The scorched Earth.
The hole left behind, swallows much.
My mind jumps to the RPG’s, the bullets.
Jumping around from day to day,
The fear, the adrenalin high.
The good days and the bad.
So many memories,
So many lost.
The sights and sounds never leave me.
The tears fall.
Anger and sadness fill my heart.
The tears fall.
The bullets ping off the door.
The water is cool, but we’re exposed.
The sights stay in my mind, always there.
The tears fall.
A casket with a flag, the soldiers Cross in the sunset.
A country that forgets. The anger bubbles.
A government that falls short.
Friends lost.
The tears fall.
Too many dog tags.
68 gone, plus more over the years.
The tears fall…..

THE SILENCE GROWS

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The silence grows

I write to you, even pour out feelings, but met with silence. I took the time, I write and write. Day after day, I take my time to beak the silence as I reach out to you. So many out, and nothing in return. Years of building relationships. Years of extensive, extending a hand in friendship. Picking up the phone from every call and message. I extended my wallet, my ear, my trust, my heart, and now it’s silence. A fool I’ve been, I couldn’t see, because I didn’t want too perhaps, my kindness used and abused. In my own time of need you were no where to be found. How could I have been so blind. The years of darkness I felt, suddenly creeps back in. The seeds fall and grow choking the life and happiness from my life. Abandoned yet again, the flash in my mind, as history repeats itself. Broken on the floor the tears just won’t flow. I do not know why, or how I got here. The color fades to black and white, the hurt a crushing feeling that buries in shame. The darkness settles in like an old friend. Must I say goodbye? Must I feel such loss yet again? Is this natures pruning? Did I mean so little to so many? Was I a convenience at the time, and without warning or word, expendable? History it seems repeated again. What have I learned? How to break, how to hurt. I’ve learned so much and yet again, here I am. The lessons seem to fade to mist. What can I do, when I reach for you, I reach and reach, into the darkness. I reach and lunge but like casting the fishing line, it comes up empty, every time. I see you there, you’re always around, but my hand you don’t take, a reach into the folly.

You’re not my enemy, I pray for you, I drop

to my knees and wish happiness upon you. I ask nothing of you except friendship. I have heard your tears. I’ve listened to your screams. You even once, heard mine. So close, but now ships passing on a fog filled night. Should I let go? Should I call out louder? Will my cries be heard? If you wanted to talk wouldn’t you reach out? What should I do? A broken heart makes poor choices. But, it isn’t just broken, but angry. Years and years of open roads. The pouring out of memories, feelings, thoughts, and now the road ends, the road I’d taken for years, can no longer be traveled. An absence, and yet a carrot dangled in front of me, teasing me, a sign, or is it?

I place so much in all the wrong places. I crave acceptance. I crave being wanted, and needed by others. I crave feeling important. I place that up high, an endless race I could never win. How many must I loose before I see the truth? How many must walk away before I find my value elsewhere? I walk miles upon miles seeking what I could never have. A hollow hole, unable to be filled. Jesus set me free from this cycle I find myself in. Jesus set me free from this pain. These shackles bind me and break me. Jesus be my chain breaker and show me a better way. Heal these wounds of the ages, and heal my broken heart. Jesus heal me and light my way home. Jesus my heart hurts, broken from saying goodbye. Jesus you pieced me together atom by atom, cell by cell. You’ve watched me grow, suffer, laugh and cry. Jesus you know my heart is breaking to pieces. Jesus lift me up and dry my tears. Take me out of this place and show me my value in you. Jesus show me that there’s more then this. Jesus my light on the hill, my shepard come find me, a lost sheep in the wilderness. I cannot do this on my own. I am fragile but strong. My heart breaks but I am not broken. I hurt, but I do not crumble to the ground. Jesus my rock, the rock, my foundation, my anchor in the storm, you save me when my sails are torn, and the keel creaks in the rough waters of this storm. Jesus my Lord, Jesus my light, dry my tears and guide me back, guide me to safety, my Lord. I cannot do this without you. I cannot stay in the darkness. I cannot stay in the silence. I long for Harold of the angels. I crave the sound of the choir of Heaven. I seek your face my Lord, I seek you in the darkness, lift me up, save me, save me from myself, this world, this hurt. Show me the blessings, so many abound around me. Teach me to number my days, so I may grow a heart of wisdom. Teach me to manage when I’m at the still waters, the green meadows, or the shadow of death. In you I trust my Lord. You hear my cries, deliver me from this toil.Free me. To you I pray.

The Long Days Ahead

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The Long Days Ahead

Some days it’s hard not to feel lonely in these days. The constant drone of the same endless news. With no new TV shows, the same repeats flood the airways. When the sound is all turned off, the silence is just as loud. The effort to quiet the loud buzzing inside my mind is both physically and mentally exhausting. The only reprieve is the time I spend with the Lord which has been more and more often during this time of isolation. While the world is social distancing, it seems the social part has been taken literally by many. The masses are busier now than they were before, it’s just a different kind of busy. In the new normal, there’s so many changes, and while there are some wonderful changes, the weight of isolation is crushing. The hope however remains knowing that God’s Got This. Knowing that Jesus is here with me gives me comfort. Knowing that some day this will end, and while it may be weeks, or months, or Heaven forbid, years, I know that Jesus will stay with me during every wakeful night. I know that Jesus will be with me during every long and lonely day. I know that Jesus will remain with me as I have watched all my plans, all my hopes, all my dreams for this year have fallen in ash as it’s been burned like a wildfire. There is no going back, no way to salvage the losses, but knowing that a new plan will emerge from the ashes. 

We have all lost so much in these dark days. Businesses have closed. Jobs have been lost. Dreams have been crushed. Lives have been lost, and families destroyed. Some families have been so completely devastated by this dreadful virus, it’s hard to imagine. As I have remained in solitude to do my part to stop the spread, to slow the spread, to at the very least not be a part of the problem I have to acknowledge the struggles. I can’t be the only person feeling this way, in fact I know I’m not. On the flip side, I know that how I feel is not nearly as severe as others even in the sphere of knowledge. 

Lamentations 3:22-24

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

    his mercies never come to an end;

23 they are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

    “therefore I will hope in him.”

We know that the Lord is over all things, and while we may not know or understand the nature of God, why things are allowed, or why things happen, we know this His ways are perfect, beyond what we can understand, and we have to have faith and trust in His perfect will. 

Romans 5:2 (ESV) 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[a] into this grace in which we stand, and we[b] rejoice[c] in hope of the glory of God.

It’s so important in these days that we are there for one another. It’s so important that in our solitude we have people we can reach out too, and talk too. It’s so important to show the Love of Christ to one another. It’s easy to forget, but not everyone manages isolation well. Not everyone manages the silence well. Even the most introverted of people are struggling today. The loss of income and for some, the loss of hope will lead us in this country to record number of suicides, and mental health crises. We must do more as the Body of Christ and we need to be showing abounding love to everyone we can think of. A text, a message, an email, a card, anything helps right now. Please don’t think you reaching out doesn’t matter. Reaching out may be all the difference for someone. A simple act of kindness goes a long way right now with how people are feeling. 

Keep hoping in the Lord. Keep your faith, and plug in to be spiritually by watching a church service online. You can also find me on The Arrow Preacher on YouTube. Be safe, and be well. 

When The Call Is Made

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When The Call Is Made

Who are we when we say we are Christians? Who are we when we claim the love of Christ? What do we do when the call comes late at night? These are some of the questions I think we all need to answer. Recently I was in a situation when I didn’t know what to say, and I wasn’t sure how to answer, and I probably answered wrong. When I needed someone to talk to everyone I reached out too, or called was either too busy or not willing to talk. I sat alone in my head dealing with a multitude of emotions, and realized one very sad but real truth, God is the only friend I can count on day or night. When I needed someone there was no one, but God was still with me. 

2 Corinthians 1:4 (NKJV)4 “who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any [a]trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

When I started making calls I expected someone to answer, I expected someone would have thought of scripture Galatians 6:2 (NKJV)2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Yet no one came. Does that represent the kind of friend I’ve been? Have I failed as a friend to others, that when I was in need I would have no one head the call? I don’t know what more I can do for others but I surely have done all I know how. 

I have answered my phone day and night. 

I have bought someone a car. 

I have paid college bills. 

I have helped buy Christmas when needed. 

I have been there for others when they needed to cry. 

I have done so much, and yet I don’t feel it’s enough. I thought I was doing the right thing by helping people in need, but now I wonder if I was helping the wrong people all along. What have I done to others to earn so little respect? What have I done to face this kind of rejection in my time of need? 

I don’t really know what to say about it. I don’t know how to feel. I just know I hurt inside, and feel betrayed. I feel abandoned and hallow by those I thought I could count on. I am blessed to know that while so many flee, Jesus never has and he never will. 

***

It took hours for me to fall asleep, and longer to deal with the emotions I was feeling. After a deep, and long look inside, mixed with some communication with some good Christian loving friends, and a long hard cry, was feeling run down. Sleep later after church and I woke up feeling refreshed. While of course when I awoke there was no changes in the situation, but waking up more clear has left me static, caught between being okay, and not alright. 

One thing I’ve learned in the years past is we cannot place our faith in people. While I do believe most of the time people often mean well, I don’t think people are uncaring by nature, but perhaps self serving. I know that we are to love one another but I think we get caught up in life and forget that people, connections, relationships are vastly important. When I found myself empty handed from those I reached out too, I felt hurt and broken hearted. I reach out so seldomly I don’t understand how the importance was not considered and I was simply brushed aside. It seems I placed my faith in the wrong place, and I now realize, it’s my faith and trust in Jesus I need to place more focus on. I need spend more time in scripture. I need to get back to a healthy prayer life. I need to learn to place more trust in faith in my creator and less in those around me. I need to realize that I can count on only myself, and perhaps in time I will find people I can count on. 

The disclaimer to this is not a blanket statement, but regarding particular attempts at one particular time. While life is complicated and as things often get in the way, I understand that at most occasions there is perhaps at least one or two that might be able to help, however in this instance I was seeking a particular audience to talk with, and that’s where I was left alone. Life continues to move, and in the weeks ahead as I continue to face the current challenges, I know I will have to find a way to handle and manage the many feelings that come. I’ve made the call, but instead of people, I’ve now called upon Christ to raise me up, give me strength, and guide me. 

Ashes Ashes, They All Fall Down

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Ashes Ashes, They All Fall Down

The tongue is a powerful tool. So many people will come and go out of your life, but I think we’ve lost the ability to truly care for people. How I’ve seen friendships grow, and grow, and yet in the blink of an eye crumble like a house made of cards. The spark that lit the match and the whole of the friendship burnt down to ash all around. The tongue has the ability to lift up and do and say great things, but at the same time it can destroy, and tear down all manner of friendships. Scripture is very clear about the power of the tongue, and love. Both of which go hand in hand, but how often is the words in the Holiest of Holy books ignored. What does scripture say about the tongue and what we say? 

Proverbs 21:23 (NKJV)

23 “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue

Keeps his soul from troubles.”

Ephesians 4:29 (NKJV)

29 “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary [a]edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”

Proverbs 12:18 New King James Version (NKJV)

18 “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword,

But the tongue of the wise promotes health.”

When people are wounded they often justify the hurting of others. They say and do anything to make sure they don’t get hurt, and if that means they shut themselves off from the world and caring for others, the sad fact is, it happens all the time. 

In the last…. Well most of my life, I’ve watched my friendships, and relationships build up, and then in the blink of an eye topple over and burn to the ground in ash. In fact, it hasn’t just been friendships I’ve watched burn to the ground but nearly all relationships that I’ve held most dear. Not a day goes by when I don’t look to the future and wonder what my days will hold. Every day I walk is a day I have to put forth effort. Every day I watch my steps, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t wonder what relationship was going to burn to the ground on any given day. Some may call it cynical, but from my perspective, it’s more of a manner of time then anything else. Wounds made by the tongue are hard to get over sometimes. Wounds that are from the collapse of a relationship (friendship, marriage, etc.) are even harder to manage. It took me years to realize the hurtful nature of people, and even longer to realize the love and mercy of my Abba Father. Despite so many losses, through it all I know that my God is still by my side daily. It’s taken me years of hurt, and heartache to get to a point where I am no longer crushed under the waves of the sea. 

When we care for someone, or care for people, how must we act? We are told time and again how important our tongue is, and how damaging it can be. I myself am not free from sin in the matter. In my past I’ve often let things from my lips that I knew where hurtful, specifically because I was hurt, and in my vanity and in my pride, I wanted to send my pain right back at the other person. Love is the only way to fight evil. Love is the only way to return pain that can be inflicted. The old Axum is true “hurting people hurt others.” Love however, is not just love of a spouse but the love we must all share for one another. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NKJV)

“4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not [a]puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, [b Keeps no accounts of evil] Thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

If love suffers long, that means being first in line that suffering long is the most important aspect of love. It also keeps no record of wrong doing. If we are to love in this manner, that means we are to speak no ill words towards those we love. Sadly this is perhaps the most difficult thing people will face in their lives. This world hurts us deeply and that anger, and resentment quickly hardens the heart. Fear of being hurt can often turn outwards and instead of words being used to lift up, to show love, to show kindness, that fear sabotages friendships, or relationships and sinks ships. 

When words are thrown around, or even when actions against someone is taken, behind it all at the root of it all is self. Even if the root is self-preservation, the base is self, and self often leads to sin. Sin destroys everything it touches. Sin is cancer, it’s a disease, it’s the cause of evil in the world. Sin is what causes our lips to spew venom. The lips and the forked tongue behind them are the most powerful weapon on the planet, and sadly the amount of broken hearts, the amount of tears, the amount of pain that’s it caused far surpass the number of dead throughout all eternity. The tongue is such a small little thing, yet driven by the sinful heart, produces terrible amounts of pain. 

In my life I’ve been blamed for my own suffering. I’ve been told I was worthless. I have been told I should kill myself. I’ve bene told I was ugly. I’ve been told I would never find happiness. I’ve been told I deserved to be cheated on. I’ve been told I was so awful that anyone around me would want to kill themselves just to get away from me. The list could go on for miles, but I think the point has been made. Eminem once said “they can be great Or they can degrade, or even worse they can teach hate” (Sing for the moment, Eminem). How true, words have such power. In a life lived where there’s been so many words pointed in my direction, how have I managed to push forward? In some instances I’m still working on it. I’ve slowly come to realize just because someone says something doesn’t make it true. Even though the words hurt, there is power in love and forgiveness. Despite the failings, and the destruction of so many different relationships through the years, I try to maintain optimism that each and every new friendship will be different. This isn’t always the case, and I sometimes find myself being hurt, abandoned, or ‘ghosted’ in today’s society. It isn’t easy watching people leave, or have such a disregard for someone’s feelings, but we must remember that to put our faith in people is foolish. Placing your faith in God is the only absolute. People and their sin nature will let you down, they will hurt you, they will fail you, and you will be powerless to stop it. It’s not easy, or fair, but it’s the sad reality of living in a fallen world. I’ve watched helplessly as friendships fell to ruin, and I always blamed myself. I felt I was at fault, and it was me. Perhaps to some extent it was me, but what’s more likely is my taste in friends. If I choose friends who will speak ill, abandon me in a time of need, only come around when they need something, then apropos they are not the Christian friends I need or needed in my life. 

Hold onto the friendships you can, and those you can’t, let them go. Hold onto the relationships you can but the ones that will leave you, let them leave, and remember Jesus Christ will never leave, nor will he ever forsake you. Hope misplaced can be devastating, so we must hope in the Lord, and hope for the best in people, but prepare for the worst from them. The Lord’s love is never in question, nor is his presence in your life. There is only one cure for sin and that’s Jesus Christ, but so long as we live in this world, even those who know Christ are still subject to sin, and thus still subject to letting down those they care for. Don’t let a forked tongue burn down your relationships. Don’t let hateful speech flow from your lips. Don’t let words that do not build up break the sound waves. Don’t let your friendships turn to ash. Don’t let your relationship be damaged by words of hate or anger. Hold your tongue, hold your voice. Just because something is the truth doesn’t mean it has to be said. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it needs to be spoken. Remember that people have feelings and hurting someone is like hurting Jesus. We are one body in Christ and to hurt one is to hurt Christ. 

Hold yourself to a higher standard and really dive into scripture about how we are to talk to one another, behave towards one another, and how we expect God to behave towards us. We expect a different behavior from God, when we treat others badly. Don’t allow Satan to harden your heart with anger and hatred, and fear. God gives us a spirit of courage, not of fear. Don’t allow the song “ring around the rosy” to represent your friendships or relationships. As for me, I watch friendships dissolve to ash, and one by one they fall down.