Tag: life

Fear

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Fear is not something I’ve experienced much of in my later life. Today, I am afraid. As my life is about to change forever, fear fills my heart. It isn’t that I don’t have faith, or not enough faith, as a friends message pointed out so eloquently recently, but I am mostly human. That’s a cyborg joke since I now have a mechanical upgrade keeping my heart pacing. I have faced death and been shot at, blown up, jumped out of airplanes, and have moved across the world many times. My life, has not been an easy road, but my life longs for peace, and I’ve not had it since heart surgery. It’s amazing how much heart surgery forces us to face our mortality. It’s amazing to think that just a couple months ago, I nearly died. Our hearts are so tender at a funeral. The emotions right at the surface, like a live wire to be plucked by life. In a way, while no one has died recently in my life, death is not just the living body. I have in other ways, experienced loss, and grief. My dearly beloved cat has passed. My body has experienced a grave trauma. I am about to move to a new home after eight years. I feel as if I am not going to find peace any time soon in my life. In fact, simultaneously peace and not peace. While life is beyond stressful, and my plate is full, life is not of peace, but my heart knows the Lord. The Lord grants peace, we know this from scripture. We aren’t robots, or at least I’m not all robot. 

Paul is offering the Lords peace be upon the readers of his letter. 

Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!

— 2 Thessalonians 3:16

John notes the words of Jesus. 

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

— John 14:27

Our peace is found in the Lord. We face the worlds struggles, and while we do these things as faithful Christians, we know many faithful struggled. 

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.”

— 1 Kings 19:4

Elijah suffered long, David suffered, Peter suffered, and many, many more. The Christ’s church cannot be stopped by the gates of Hell. More important than any others, Jesus suffered for us. 

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

— 1 Peter 5:10

What is life but a vapor? A short while we are here, and in this life, Jesus promised hard times, but also promised that in those times, we would not be tempted more than any other person, 

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

— 1 Corinthians 10:13

Jesus is our way, Jesus is the way. Jesus shows us the escape. When we are suffering, and when we are struggling, Jesus is our God, who saves us, who removes our ledge of crimson, and makes it white as snow. May we repent of our sins, and Jesus makes straight our path. No one said the path would be easy, but we must ask if we are doing as He commands us. I am but a mere human, struggling to walk the path. I read, I study, I listen, and yet lo, I struggle.

For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

— Psalm 13:1-3

Jesus comforts us and is near to the broken hearted. Am I broken hearted? Yes. Do I struggle? Yes. My brokenness runs deep right now. In my prayers I ask God to grant me His peace. I ask God grants me serenity to let go of what I need to let go of, fix what i can fix, and in all ways accept God’s path, that I will not lean upon my own understanding. My heart breaks apart this day, but one day, it shall be made new and I shall see God. 

Having fear is human. When the Word says I have not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of courage, we really have to continue to grow. Sanctification is a process. We have to spend time in the word to grow in the spirit of Christ. I have spent years dealing with this topic. When I was in Iraq I was forced to face fear. After you face evil directly, fear is something that starts to fade. When I began growing in the Lord, my fear of death disappeared. When I consider fear, I consider that most if not all fears generally when you travel down the road of that fear, it ends with a fear of one’s own mortality. Once you can eliminate your fear of dying, many other fears will disappear. That being said, there are some fears, such as the fear of failure, fear of change, that must also be concurred. As I am faced with some of these fears, I am not accustomed to feeling fear. When I was facing heart surgery, I did not have a fear of dying, but rather, more concerned about what the surgery would do to my loved ones. While I do not have the same fear that many people do, my loved ones have a great fear of dying, and a fear of losing me. It’s this fear, that I have been cognoscente of. How can I, the man of the house, lift up those who remain in their fear? When I am afraid of the upcoming change in my life, that I will fail, and fall into hard times? I don’t have an answer, except to continue to grow in your walk with Christ. We must face our fears, and we do that by reading the Word of God. We study, we grow, we allow the word to change who we are. We must be ready to defend our faith, and we cannot do that if we are not growing in Christ. For some, maybe you haven’t accepted Christ yet. First, acknowledge you are a sinner. We are dead in our sins, not worthy of Heaven. We must see ourselves as sinners, and know that Jesus is the savior for our sins. He handed himself over, and laid down his life to reconcile the repentant sinner to God the Father. We must surrender to Christ, and know He is both Savior, and Lord. We must accept Him as our sacrifice for sins, and therefore, we must trust in faith, and obey His commandments. There is no sin so great that God cannot forgive. We do however need to feel that sorrow over sin, and truly repent of our sins. Jesus is worth your heart. Let us continue to grow in Him. 

May God grant me peace, and understanding, and love. God shows me His way. I pray for mercies as I navigate these troubled waters. May I step out of the boat, and trust in Him.

For more follow on YouTube

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Please follow also, my friend’s blog.

https://peacenotfear.wordpress.com

Faith

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Faith

I’ve talked about faith a lot on this website. Faith is something we each have, even if we don’t realize it. Those who talk against the Christian walk, in support of the sciences have faith. Those who claim to be atheists have faith. Those who claim to be agnostic have faith. Faith is the believing in something without all the proof. Merriam Webster says this “belief and trust in and loyalty to God”, “firm belief in something for which there is no proof”, “Complete Trust”, 
 “something that is believed especially with strong conviction”. You see, faith, is had by everyone, it’s simply a matter of defining what they believe. 

Many believe a Christians faith is misplaced, or it’s based on poor evidence. Sadly, this assertion is simply far from the truth. It’s been said that the faith needed for the big bang, or evolution is far greater than that of the Christian walk. There is less evidence for those things, than there is of the Christian faith. Even the other religions pale in comparison to evidence, and some have little to no evidence at all. I will not be getting into each of these things and why they lack evidence, but I encourage you to do some deep dives. For Christians, there are a few people who’ve done extraordinary work on this and I will be talking about some of them. 

The Bible expresses faith is this, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the [Evidence]conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

We do not walk blindly into the night, or at least many of us don’t. When I say us, I mean those who do this for a living. Those who study the faith, study scripture, and preach it and teach it regularly, have usually done deep dives into the, testing the integrity of the Bible, the dependability of the scriptures, the trustworthiness of the eyewitnesses that spoke on Christ. These things lend to our faith being strengthened, and in many cases fortified in its indwelled truth of what is written in God’s word. Simply put, the Bible is reliable, and has stood up to scrutinizing people for centuries, in fact, for a little over 2000 years now. 

My personal faith: Growing up in the Catholic church, I felt a strong connection to church. I didn’t have some of the usual catholic ideals pushed on me, so it wan’t till older in life I heard of such things. I did not hardly ever touch my rosary. I very seldom heard the ‘Hail Mary’. I did however do the other sacraments, of confession, confirmation, and first communion. One other thing I heard growing up was praying to the saints for intercession of our needs. When I got older, I became confused. The Bible says this, Romans 8:34 34 “who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.” And in 1 John 2:1 “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous;” and in Hebrews 7:25 25 “Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them.” 

I didn’t understand, so, was I supposed to pray to the saints? Was I supposed to pray to Mary? The more I studied my Bible, the more I became convicted, some of the things I thought were right, didn’t seem right anymore. As I got back into church, the first church was an Episcopal church, where women were priests. This raised another slew of questions for me. I had often wondered if the Catholic church was correct forcing celibacy on priests, but this was something entirely different. This, allowing women to preach, was this in scripture? Scripture says this 1 Timothy 2:12 “But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.” It seems women were not supposed to be priests, or for that matter preach the word to a room of men. The caveat of course is we know Pricilla helped in the teaching of a prominent teacher (Apollos). This shows us that woman can teach kids, and even help evangelize for Christ. But not to have a role preaching from the pulpit. 

As I got older and continued to grow, a few men came into my life that helped me study scripture. They did not just give me their opinion; in fact, it was quite the opposite. “The opinions of man are smashed on the anvil of the Word of God” Charles Spurgeon. What was taught was pure scripture. As I grew in understanding, my faith also grew. The more into the word I got, the greater and stronger my faith became. I began to see where my old opinions began to die, along with my old assertions to what was true. The more into scripture I got, the more the idea that I grew up sorely lacking crept into my life. IF that Catholics had it wrong, what was right? The answer was actually pretty simple. Ephesians 2:8-9 “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” For I, me, the Arrow Preacher, is saved by grace, through faith. Like the serpent held high by Moses to allow the Israelites to be saved, they must look upon it and have faith. We must look up to our Christ Jesus on the cross and have faith of who He was, and what He died for. Our messiah, Our Lord. It was in that moment I realized there was a doctrine that lined up with scripture, and as I was taught, this doctrine would become the hill I’d be willing to die on. This doctrine is called “The Five Solas”: 

Sola Gratia – Grace Alone

Sola Fide – Faith Alone 

Solus Christus – Christ Alone 

Soli Deo Gloria – Glory of God Alone

Sola Scriptura – Scripture Alone

Made easy, we are saved by Grace, in Faith, through Christ, for the Glory of God, and our only source of knowledge and truth is in scripture. For more on this you can read here at Ligonier Ministries. 

https://learn.ligonier.org/articles/what-are-the-five-solas

My faith grew because I was learning from the Bible alone, and because I was reading God’s truth, I began to see many of the doctrines I was taught growing up had actually led me astray. But my faith having been put to the test in 2016 came out stronger, and continued to grow in strength. 

In 2016, a couple days after I discovered my ex-wife was having an affair, I was sitting in church alone. I was sitting in a spot I never sat before, I was sitting in the pew a broken man. My everything was shattered. I heard the preacher talk, and the Holy Spirit rested over me, convicting me of my brokenness. Showing me that I had but one thing to do. The question came into my mind, “What if I gave everything, what if I gave you everything, what if I stopped holding back everything from you?” I walked the isle that day, tears flowing from my face before I got to the pastor. I was ready to surrender and give it all to Jesus. I was ready to lay my shame out there and walk out of that sanctuary a new man. That broken man, broke down upon the alter, tears flowing uncontrollably from his face. Crying out to the Lord to take over, to change him. He didn’t want to be that many anymore. A week later I had a brush with death. My wife was leaving, taking with her half of everything. She was taking with her 100% of our family. In my loss, and added a little liquid death (alcohol), I sat on the front porch and watched her and her sister pack the car. In my despair I put a pistol to my shoulder and pulled the trigger. I was experiencing a major break in the internal walls I had built to hold all my traumas. Everything passed by my internal eye like movie clips, showing me each of my traumas and failures. I was experiencing a tsunami effect, years of compartmentalization coming back to haunt me. I couldn’t take the failure in my brain, and the pain I felt, needed to be matched with an equal amount of physical pain. I was not looking to die, but to feel, to stop the emotional pain, to reset the onboard computer. I thought my fate was sealed, and that pistol sat upon my shoulder for just a few seconds before I pulled the trigger. What I saw that day stays in my mind, vividly. The blood splatter, the screams, the oxygen leaving my body, and in less than a few moments, nothing. The world was black, it was a void, nothing above me, or below me, nothing I could see, and no light but just a bit from myself. In my fear, in my despair, I cried out to God, “God, I’m sorry.” I expected nothing. I looked for nothing. I expected to die and this was the end of my life, a void of nothing. But that’s when I heard it. A voice came from the darkness shaking the very bones of my body. “You’re forgiven” was all the words said. It felt like being inside a lightning bolt. How much the ground shakes when a bolt is close, was nothing in compare to what I felt. My whole-body shook, as what felt like a lightning bolt hit me. I awoke in the ambulance surprising the paramedics, who believed I’d die before reaching the hospital. The pain my body was in, I wanted to return to what I knew was God. But, much like the words of Gandalf in “Two Towers” “I’ve been sent back, at the turn of the tide.” Why had God sent me back and not just taken me home? 

While I was justified that Sunday September 11th, 2016, my sanctification process would come in a very real metaphorical dumpster fire. I would have to rely on my faith and what little scripture I knew to start getting me through the next 10 months. The divorce and separation were messy to say the least. My faith however was growing in the Lord. It was not a blind faith, but one built upon the Lord’s truth. The Apostles would die, die horrible deaths fueled by hatred and torture, they died never once recanting their eyewitness accounts. Who dies for a lie? People die all the time for a lie, but not one they know for sure is a lie. Jesus could not be a good man, if He wasn’t who He said He was. If He lied, He’d not be a good man, because good men don’t lie. When we see the Apostles were all in hiding at His crucifixion, why the sudden change? Why did they go from petrified cowards, to be willing to get put into jail over and over again, and even horrible deaths. What did they see? They saw the very real risen Christ. Why did Jesus have 12 Apostils? Representing the 12 tribes from the Old Testament. Jesus chose men, no one would choose to change the world. Their eye witness counts would stand the scrutiny of those who truly study it. Men like J. Werner Wallace, Lee Strobel, and Josh McDowell, Sean H. McDowell, have given us the work, the unbiased, or rather, atheist bias, of the scriptures, and the truth of the scriptures turned Wallace, and Strobel into believers. From atheist to believer in the process of disputing and attempt to disprove the scriptures, yet, now, they believe Jesus was who He said He was. 

Myself, I grew up believing parts of the Bible but not all of it. I very much believed in Theistic evolution (also known as theistic evolutionism or God-guided evolution), alternatively called evolutionary creationism, is a view that God acts and creates through laws of nature. I tried to mix the science I grew up with, and the faith I had. This was folly however, as I would come to believe, I had been wrong my whole life. Through my studies with my mentors, and even the Christian University I attended, I found, I was wrong. I truly had been broken down to the bedrock, and rebuilt in Christ. I did not know why Jesus saved me that day, but it wasn’t an easy road. Truly, I laid all my hopes on the table and all my sins were forgiven. I had been washed by the blood, and Jesus saw to rebuild me. My faith in Jesus that September 11th would change my life forever. The day I put that 9mm through my shoulder, I would truly be reborn, because the life I was living had been touched by the hand of God. In my investigation, I found I was never shocked by the paddles, so the electricity I felt, could not have been the defibrillator, but the hand of God. God saw fit, to drastically and dramatically alter my life. 

Over the next year God would put me where He wanted me. I’d have emergency neck surgery and God would bring me through that as well. I’d go through (WWP) Project Odyssey, which began to help with the trauma I had experienced in my life. I’d go through DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy), which is a structured therapy that helps people learn to manage their emotions and change their behaviors. I’d go to another (WWP) Wounded Warrior Project, a Soldier Ride, in which I met a man that changed my path. He expressed his opinion, my path was that of ministry. I laughed at him. I was to broken, too lost in my life to get into ministry. My faith, was tainted by my own self-doubts, my own self-loathing, that hadn’t been purged from me completely yet. I’d later experience a weekend with God, in a program called Lamplighter, and that was the last major even that would change my course, to, you guessed it, ministry. My faith, which was being shown, my life was meant to trust in God, not just during the good times, the easy times, but the hardest of times. My faith was being forged in the trials of life. My walk with God was being shaped through many hardships, and my faith was growing in strength. 

Since then, I have experienced many hardships in my life. I’ve experienced loss, and heartbreak. I recently had yet another brush with death, but many consecutive miracles. For those I would like to have you read 

The Week My Heart Stopped

and 

One Month Later 

These posts highlight what I went through. They highlight the events I believe to be miracles in my life. This doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. What it does mean, is the path of a Christian is not an easy one. I have grappled with tough things, just in the last couple months. I was not convinced having open heart surgery, or even the pacemaker surgery, was the right decision. It would have been easy for me to say I was ready to go home. It would have been easy for me to give up this life, but I needed to lean upon my faith to justify staying here longer. I highlight this fight in the blog post, 

Why Do You Keep Fighting? 

In reality, I fight for those I care about. I fight to continue spreading the Gospel of Christ to as many people as I can. My faith, while strong, doesn’t mean I haven’t questioned my choices. It doesn’t mean I haven’t spoken to God about this, but in the end, I am still here, and I’m still leaning upon that faith, not of my own understanding. I don’t exactly know why God saved me, so all I have is my faith. I trust in the Lord, and I expect He will guide my path. He will walk with me, and if He chooses to reveal any details about why I’m still here, I’m sure He will. When I doubt, I know it’s the liar, the deceiver, whispering in my ear. I recognize his vial speech within my deep thoughts of denial, and strife. The power that raised Jesus is the same power that lives within me. The same faith that made David step out onto that battle field with a few smooth stones, the same faith that Gideon had when he fought the Midianites. The same faith Daniel had to pray openly, and face the lions. The same faith Peter felt when he stepped out of the boat in the storm. The same faith that Paul had that led him through various trials, but most important was the first choice to go from hunting Christians to being one of them. This is the faith that rests within me. 

I am not a perfect man, and my faith isn’t perfect. I am not a finished product, and in my weakness He is strong. I do however sin, and I must repent of those sins. I need to seek forgiveness when I do sin, and believe the blood of Christ will wash me clean. I do not mean to sin, my faith does not give me a free license to sin, but when I do, I know Jesus picks me up, puts me back together. See…. The truth is, when I am shattered, and I’m broken, and I know I have wronged a Holy God; when I am hurting, I do not want to be put back together the same. I want God to change me through these experiences. When I go through these things, I have faith that God is using it to bring me closer to Himself. I want my life to be sanctified in Christ, and therefore I do not want be the same today as I was yesterday. I pray to God that my yesterday is gone, and today is a new opportunity for me to get closer to Him. My faith has never come back empty. While I don’t always get what I want, I get from God exactly what I need. Faith in Christ is not a blind faith, and we see in scripture the truth, that this life will not be easy for a Christian. It is not meant for wealth, and fame, and peaceful living. The truth is, we are soldiers on the battlefield for Christ, and our faith is, we know we are fighting for good. Everything we experiences forges us into a stronger soldier. We can resist Satan because we have faith and trust in the one true King, Jesus Christ. Jesus gives us all we need, and in our faith in Him, we can rejoice when we are beaten, rejoice when we reach the mountain top, and rejoice when we are laid by the peaceful streams. Our faith tells us that the battle is won, and we can trust in Christ in all we do. My faith tells me that one day I will be called home, but till that day comes, my faith will remain true.

Let us not put our faith in the wrong places. Let us be careful and cautious with whom and what we place our faith. Let us not put faith in our heart, for it is deceitfully wicked. Let us not put our faith in idols, or even people. Let us test everything, and ensure it comes from the Lord. Have faith in Jesus. Let us go, and make disciples, showing them why our faith is true. Let our faith guide us to dig deep in scripture, learning, growing, and let our faith teach us how to fight for the truth. Let us understand apologetics (the defense of our faith), and be able to know scripture, to withstand the external scrutiny. Not everything you read on the internet is true. Not everything on Instagram or TikTok is true and accurate, and it’s yours and my job as a Christian to decern the truth. The only truth that matters is what’s in scripture. Hold fast to your faith, and don’t let the world deceive you. Go in the peace and love of Jesus Christ. 

For more content on faith you can read: 

Where is YOUR Faith?
Making the Leap of Faith
Build Your Faith on a Solid Foundation
Build Faithful Wealth
Leap of Faith
Simple Faith

For more content you can follow on YouTube: 

https://youtube.com/@thearrowpreacher6920?si=wvVC80iHWsSSkRY1

Currently going through the Gospel of John. 

If The War is Won, Why Do I Feel Like I’m Losing? 

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If The War is Won, Why Do I Feel Like I’m Losing? 

I am no stranger to defeat. I am no stranger to heart break. I am no stranger to physical pain. I am no stranger to major health problems. I am no stranger to hard feelings to express and share. I am no stranger to feeling beat down. I am no stranger to being lied too. I am no stranger to feeling guilty for just sharing my feelings. I am no stranger to the darkness, or loneliness. I am no stranger to the feelings of doubt. I am no stranger to the war, or the battles. 

But like the darkness rising again from the fires of mount doom, darkness threatens all of middle earth again. Over the last year the relationships in my life have gotten complicated, strained, and has left me broken hearted. I feel alone in the battle. When I stress how I feel the response is empty. When I express my concerns, or hard truths, I find myself in the midst of conversation by myself. It seems I walk this path alone. The moment the battle is tough, I look around to see those around me are gone. 

How does the messiah feel with his disciples fleeing for their own safety rather than follow Him to the cross? We know that Jesus knew everything. We know that He knows the hearts of those around Him. But when everyone who claimed they loved Him were gone, how does the Messiah feel? Alone, just His mother, Mary, and John. Does He feel betrayed? He went to the cross for the ungrateful. He went to the cross for the liars, and the broken promises. He went to cross for the murderers, and the cheaters. He went to the cross for the selfish. He went to the cross for me. He went to the cross for you. 

In this life I have often found myself facing the darkness without someone next to me to help me. I have often found myself alone, crying out to the Lord to not leave me. I have often said I’m not afraid of anything, but today I find myself realizing that’s not entirely accurate. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of the sin within. I’m afraid of the monster that wants out, that’s clawing at me to break free. I’m afraid of that monster busting through and showing the world the sinner within. The one thing I truly fight is the anger within. When outside forces push me, beat me, whip me, and the darkness rips and tears at my armor to get inside. When loved ones betray me, loved ones lie to me, loved ones abandon me, loved ones know the buttons to push, and push them, the monster breaks free. I’m afraid of myself because I know what I’m capable of. I’m afraid of myself because I know that while I usually have control over it, sometimes, it comes out to play, and when it does those around me see what I try so hard to conceal. God knows my monster, and has helped me keep the emotions in control, but sometimes my flesh is weak. They say that meekness is not weakness, but rather the strength to have power but to have it under control. After years of training and war, I was a changed man. I learned how to take that anger and direct it at my discipline and fierceness on the battlefield. In my civilian life, I put the monster away. But for a long time, it came out every argument, every disagreement, and I would yell and scream. Even if I was right, in the argument, I would get to the point where I’d yell and scream. Sometimes when I was younger, I’d punch and throw things in my anger. Today, that person is few and far between. Today it takes a lot to bring that monster out again. Today, the Lord has given me a spirit of calm, of control. But I am still a sinful fallen creature. While I am better today than I was yesterday, sometimes the monster within breaks through and wreaks havoc in my life. 

I feel like since heart surgery, the emotional part of me has not been comforted. I feel like, while my physical needs are being managed, my heart is being left alone. I cannot share my feelings, or my hardships without it being my fault. I cannot share, without major repercussions. It’s a lonely road, and how I feel doesn’t matter. 

Dax speaks the truth in his Song “To be a Man”

Yeah, I know this life can really beat you down, uh

You wanna scream but you won’t make a sound, uh

Got so much weight that you’ve been holdin’

But won’t show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken

That we can’t cry when life gets hard

Unconditional love for women, children and dogs

We know that we just have to play our parts

And don’t nobody give a damn about our broken hearts, yeah

As a man, we gotta pave our way

Our only function is to work and slave

There’s no respect for you if you ain’t paid

You’re disregarded as a human and you can’t complain

And if you ever make it up and actually reach that place

And find a woman that you love and give her your last name

You’ll feel the things that you provide is only why she stays

And when you try to explain, you’ll say

I can’t hide myself

I don’t expect you to understand

I just hope I can explain

What it’s like to be a man (what it’s like to be a man)

It’s a lonely road (it’s a lonely road)

And they don’t care ’bout what you know (care ’bout what you know)

It’s not ’bout how you feel

But what you provide inside that home

Don’t give up, keep fightin’

As a man, our son is our horizon

And our fathers’ actions play a role and we end up like him

So they can’t let us see them hurt

‘Cause we’ll embody what we do and start a generational curse

No wonder most men are so depressed

All the things that they can’t express

They go to war, get thrown on the shelf

Then go back to war with they mental health

Then grab that bottle and ask for help

Try to pull themselves out of hell

Then fall back down and then realize

That they gon’ have to do it themselves

It’s the circle of life, as a man, you provide

They don’t know what you’re worth ’til the day that you die

And that’s when they start cryin’

Then move on to a man to confide in

That’s why we feel

**

They don’t care what you feel. To be a man it seems today you have to hide it. Today you can’t share the hardships inside without them turning on you, and not showing you support or love, or empathy, or even some sympathy. 

Life is hard and it beats you down. Life isn’t fair, and in our struggles as a man, sometimes our walk is just You and Christ. Sometimes this world turns it’s back on good men, and all we can do in our brokenness, and loneliness is to turn to our Abba Father. Since no one, it seems cares about our broken hearts, we can only turn to our God. When I need to explain how I feel, and it falls upon deaf ears in this life, I turn to my Abba Father, and He understands my pain. My God tells me to don’t give up, and to keep fighting. My Abba Father tells me to put on that amor and stand tall. My Abba Father, tells me to look behind and I see my Savior Jesus in the midst of the battle with me. I look around and see the legion of Angels the Lord has sent to comfort me. I look around and see the demons fleeing before a mighty and Holy Jesus. How I feel may be broken, and sometimes I feel alone, but Jesus tells me not to listen to the lies of the Devil. The voice of truth tells me to get up. The voice of truth tells me I have been given a spirit of courage, not of fear. The voice of truth tells me to tighten that armor and continue to resist Satan and his lies. The voice of truth tells me I am a child of God. The voice of truth tells me not to be afraid. The voice of truth says to keep sharing the Gospel of Jesus. The voice of truth tells me to keep living for Him, the Holy one, the one worthy to open the seals. The voice of truth says a legion of angels is ready to fight for me. The voice of truth says I am not alone. I’m not alone in this fight and I never will be. People may fail me, family may forsake me. But my Lord will never leave me nor forsake me, for it is written Matthew 28:19-20 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” 

Jesus told us He will be with us. The Holy Spirit sent to guide us, comfort us, protect us, chastens us, corrects us, heals us. It may be dark, but Jesus is the healer of brokenness. For it is in my brokenness that God’s strength will shine through me. I am a cup hoping the Lord will fill us up. Jesus is who He said He was, and it is our faith that heals us in Christ. My hurting heart, my broken heart, cries out for my Lord and Savior, to come comfort me. To show me the way, and to hold me in His hands. My body is broken, and battered, I am here on the ground, praying for your guidance, your love, your mercy, your peace, your forgiveness, and your holiness. Jesus please walk with me, walk beside me and lift me when I fall. As I sink beneath these ways, please sanctify me, and please lift me up and put me on dry land. For your glory, for your will, will be done. God, you will never leave me nor forsake me, and I am grateful. Jesus, I’ll follow you till the end, till my last breath, I’ll walk this path you have me on. You’re close to the broken hearted, and you’ll make me new. I’ll follow you till the end. Your glory, and will. 

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

I’m 9 weeks out from heart surgery. A major open heart, valve replacement surgery, with an added pacemaker. Heartbreak comes to many, and it can look different when it does. I can remember my first heartbreak. Most people, it comes from their first love, for me, it came much earlier. Don’t get me wrong, I remember the heartbreak from my first love also. They aren’t the same. Scripture tells us Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” For many, and even for me, this response was once a hallow one. When I would be given scripture in response to my internal suffering, I was often annoyed, and frustrated. Sadly, during my first heart break, my true heart break, I watched as my home was crumbling before my very eyes. Not much different than now. During that event I didn’t have anyone giving me anything, not even a ray of hope, not one single iota of advice, not even scriptural advice. This lack of biblical, and for lack of a better term, ‘spiritual’ guidance, left me vulnerable to attack. When I was a kid, I was often seen as an outsider, and in reality, I was. There was always something about my life, something different from the other kids. Some kids are born into two parent homes, some into one, where one parent works hard, but is a loving, compassionate, and invested parent. For me, my situation was different. Heartbreak would be a feeling I’d experience on a regular basis.

Now, life is a series of disappointing events, one after another, that puts into place the most difficult of trust issues. Betrayal is a hard place to be. When a lifetime of hope comes crashing down, moving forward is something challenging. I look to God for my answers. Sadly, questions have come up in my life that haven’t gotten those answers. A single lie can do irrevocable damage. Not because forgiveness isn’t involved, but because a relationship is based on trust, and once it’s gone, it can take a long time to regain it, sometimes, trust is never earned again. How do we face life when it seems the world, or at least the world according to my own orbit, is flying apart? It’s hard to face life when nothing looks like it once was, when familiar is now so far removed from what it was just a few months ago. 

Faith, faith is one of those things that comes easy to some, difficult for others. For some people when heartbreak comes, it pushes someone to reject the god they think they know. In reality, for those who chose to walk the path of an apostate, faith was never something they truly had. No, in fact, I believe, since we cannot lose our salvation, those who walk away from God, do so because they never truly understood who God is. Many I’ve seen who graced the doors of the church and then walked away, did so when things didn’t go their way, or the way they wanted it too. Our lives are not our own. Our lives are dictated by a very real God. When we experience real hardships, and the devil attacks, we as people like to blame God for the troubles we experience. This isn’t new of course, this has been going on since the Jews left Egypt and immediately complained about their circumstances. After seeing what God could do, they did not trust Him with even the smallest of things, such as food and water. Today, we blame God for everything bad and good that happens to us. Truth is, we don’t need to blame God for what we experience, because, in reality, our very sin nature causes most of our problems. If we are truly honest, between the sin nature we have within us, and the devil attacking us, God wouldn’t need to bring forth bad things, even if that was who God is, but He’s not. 

My recent loses have taught me the need to turn to God, rather than away from. Relying on people can be detrimental sometimes. We put our hopes in people sometimes, and we shouldn’t. For years I continued to hope and pray someone in my life would be the person I always wanted them to be. Faith, is not easy sometimes, especially when the forge is hot, and we are put to the flame. What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to move? What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to grow? For those who follow God, no matter how badly someone may hurt us, that hurt can be used to point us in a different direction. In my life, have I become to sedimentary? God saved me for something. I have recently looked at my life and wondered what was it that God gave me the opportunity to survive for. Going through some of the worst experiences, after having major heart surgery, and after my heart being crushed by it’s own blood, I find myself questioning much about God’s plan. It’s that plan, I wonder what must I do. Faith is not blind when you believe in God, and trust and obey. Our faith is rewarded by God’s faithfulness to us. Even when we are not faithful ourselves, we are never alone. God is always with us, even when we stray. One of the hardest things we can do is chose to live. As I’ve said recently, dying is easy, living is hard. I mean that with every ounce of who I am. Lately the question, is why? As I wrote recently, why do I keep fighting? Love, love is always the answer. Why did Jesus fight the pain, the torture, the mockery, the wrath of the father? Love. Love is the reason we do much in our lives. Why does a soldier fall upon a grenade tossed in his foxhole? Love of the brothers next to him. Love makes people do a lot of incredibly brave things. Love, also can have the opposite effect and make people forsake friends, family, and do a lot of stupid things. Love is most definitely a strong emotion that can remove all rational thought from the brain. Throwing ones self upon a grenade to save the lives of others, while heroic, is almost certain death. Why is it love can send people down all kinds of different paths? Why can love move people to pick up, pack up, and leave their family members behind? Why can love (or at least love by name alone) move people to forsake marriages? Sadly the human mind, and emotions are complex, and to answer that truly, this would become a deep written psych paper. 

When I was growing up, the first girl I fell in love with, I would have done anything for her. I felt we had an amazing relationship. There were many of the foundations of an wonderful relationship. Then, one day, without warning, it ended. One by one in my life, I would love, none like the first, but different in their own way. Each love would fall, and it was in my mind, why be hostile just because the relationship ended. Why couldn’t two people, once in a relationship be friends? For some, this was not the case, and over the years, more and more people, more and more friends, more and more relationships, have died, and disappeared. The amount of people that have ghosted me in my life, people I deeply cared for, is staggering. Thinking about them often, and I wonder, why they left. I question why someone would leave when I offer so much of myself. I offer assistance, an ear, respect, love, truth, and much more, yet they leave. I am not a perfect man, but I have found, the type of love I have always offered in my life is that similar to what the Lord offers to us. A lesson I have learned is this, why do people, who have been given an amazing gift, still decide to turn and walk away from it? Even though God never forces anyone to love Him, people chose not to take His gift of eternal salvation, and they chose the path that takes them straight to Hell. Sometimes, no matter how nice the gift, people will still reject it. No matter how sincere my love was, people would still reject it. No matter how much I tried to put a relationship back together, people would still reject it. For a long time, I blamed myself. For a long time, I asked if it was me, that they were rejecting. The answer, is both yes, and no. Pride is an important factor in this equation. While, all of those people left me, and I am the common denominator to that equation, there is one other factor, pride. To this day, I don’t know why some I’ve been in relationships with have stayed my friend, while others have moved on with their lives, leaving me behind. We as prideful people look out for just ourselves. We don’t care the hurt we may cause others, or the damage done to them. How easy it is for some people to cut ties with another person, despite once sharing great feelings or supposed respect for them. It would be understandable if I were a mean, uncaring, unloving, selfish, abusive person, but as far as I am aware, that isn’t the case. When I wasn’t dating my ex, because she needed it, I bought her a car, and I looked for nothing in return. A different ex, I paid off her collage tuition. The same applied, I wanted nothing in return. All I wanted to do was share love, and help those I care about. What I have learned is, no matter how much you do for a person, how much you’re there for them, heartbreak is always a possibility. 

Even though heartbreak can happen to anyone, at any time, that doesn’t mean don’t share your heart. Even those closest to you may break your heart, you should still venture into love, because love is what we are called to do. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. We are called to love our wives as Christ loved and died for the church. We are called to love God with everything we are. We are called to love our enemies and treat them with a kind hand. How can we love, if all we do is look out for ourselves? How can we love if we are always thinking in our minds, ‘I’ll love as long as I’m treated nicely and with respect, and I’m happy.’ So often the moment we become unhappy, that switch in our brains that tells us we love someone, is turned off, and we begin to seek someone else to love. The moment the marriage gets hard often we see, especially today, couples crumble and fall apart. Love means very little in peoples lives today. We say it sure, in fact we over saturate the world with the word, but we don’t do what love is. We say it, but we don’t live it out. We say it, but we don’t let the true meaning sink into our hearts, and take root, allowing our lives to withstand the storms, without the love burning out. 

I’ve experienced true heartbreak in my life. I have experienced heartbreak in my childhood, my first girlfriend ripped out my heart and tapped danced on it for a while, and two ex-wives made sure my heart wasn’t just a little broken, but paid extra attention to maximizing the pain I would go through. We tend to hurt others most when we know deep down we are wrong. We tend to try to justify why we are doing what we are doing, and we turn the innocent into the problem, and then, that turns to bitterness, and vileness. We turn our own selfish desires into our truth, and anything that goes against that is a direct attack, and we then defend our own sinful, and selfish actions, no matter how badly it may hurt the loved ones around us. Yes, indeed, I have experienced heartbreak. 

As i wrote recently I fight for love. “I fight because of love. I fight because Jesus loved me enough to die for me on the cross. I endure hardships because Christ endured hardships. I take the beating because the Apostles, like Christ, took the beatings. I fight the war, because Paul said “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/31/why-do-you-keep-fighting/ I fight because I choose to fight. I was given a choice to have the surgery or not. I chose to endure the surgery, to keep me in the fight longer. Sure, I could have just waited it out, and let the heart fail, whenever it would have failed, but that’s not what I chose to do. Continue to fight, even though I have endured great heartbreak, and I am enduring great hardships, I know there are people around me who would not want me to leave. Loved ones that while I do believe they would be fine without me, wish for me to stay. So even though I have endured so much, I decide every day to stay, to continue the work the Lord has given me. I pray every day the Lord would allow me to create “Christs Cantina” and make a Star Wars themed Christian ‘coffee house style’ place, for both nerds and veterans to go, to hear about God’s word, and maybe try to do some community outreach to make our home a better place to be. Even though I feel current heartbreak, and struggles for the events that have occurred over the last few months, I know that God’s plan is perfect. Even if I don’t see His plan, I know that my heart will mend, and it will beat again. We cannot allow heartbreak to turn us into cold, bitter, resentful, angry people. We must overcome, and through the act of forgiveness allow ourselves to heal. We must be able to push through the pain, not ignoring it, but knowing that people are sinful, and sinful people will undoubtedly hurt others. Sin does not happen within a bubble, but rather, spreads out and affects everyone around us. Sin is the most destructive force on the planet, and we often as a society say it’s stuff like global warming, global cooling, or the lump sum of racism, hate speech, but in reality it’s sin. Sin destroys  more lives than any fire, any flood, anything else we can imagine. Our sin, our pride, our idols bring forth destruction on a scale that far surpasses any other disasters. Just the last year alone, I’ve seen several marriages fall to ruin. I’ve seen families destroyed. I’ve seen lies destroy trust, and I’ve seen pride damage relationships. 

One day, every knee shall bow, every tongue shall confess, and the Lord will purge the world of sin. One day a new heaven and a new earth shall be made, and in heaven there are no more tears, or sorrow. We are but a vapor in this life, and our God almighty is eternal. We cannot fathom the true nature of God, but I know that it’s not long, until my body will pass away, and to be absent from the body is to be with the Lord. I know when that day comes, I will be safe in my Fathers arms. I know that Jesus has given me many miracles in the recent months, and I know that I cannot waist them. Despite the struggles since I chose life on earth, and I chose not to go home just yet. The physical pain I feel that brings me to my knees, and the emotional pain I have endured, will not be the end of me. While the tears fall from my face, and the hardships feel more than I can bare, I remember these words from scripture, 1 Corinthians 10:13 “13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” I trust my Lord that my armor will hold. I trust my Lord that the shield I carry will protect me from all the arrows launched at me. I trust my Lord that the breastplate will guard my heart from the Devils schemes. I trust the Lord that my helmet will protect my mind from the lies and whispers of Satan. The Lord my God, Jesus Christ, will show me the path from this trial. Yes, my heart is in pieces, but the Lord is faithful. My heart crushed, my head down in sorrow. I know however the Lord is with me, and one day, I shall find peace. One day, I will have respite from the battle I’m in. Beyond this life though, one day I know I will reside in the kingdom of God, and I will never know pain again. One day, beyond this journey, lays a new state of being, one of perfection, with no more scars. As Casting Crowns said Scars In Heaven, “The only scars in heaven wont belong to me and you, the’ll be no such thing as broken.” The only scars in heaven will belong to our savior Jesus. Oh what a day that will be to be able to go home. What a day that’ll be to say goodbye to this lifelong trial. What a day that’ll be till Jesus welcomes me home after my marathon is over. What a day that’ll be when my broken heart is renewed and there will be no more pain. Till that day, I fight the fight. Till that day I’ll do my job, sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ. Till that day, I will continue to proclaim the one that saved my soul. I will continue to tell anyone I can the amazing miracles I’ve witnessed in recent days. Jesus is the way the, the truth, and the life, and no one gets to the father except by Him. (John 3:16) One must believe in Jesus Christ, and Obey his commandments. (John3:36). We must repent of our sins, turn from the world, and pick up our cross daily and follow Christ. Jesus told us in Matthew 4:17, to repent. We are all sinners, saved by grace, but we must accept Jesus, accept His word without adding our own interpretations, or ideals into scripture. Our opinion do not matter, and as I have often said, as one of my favorite quotes, “The Word of God is the anvil upon which the opinions of men are smashed.” (Charles Spurgeon) My opinion means nothing. The Word of God is everything. It destroys my idea of what life might be, by showing me the nature of my sin. It shows me the nature of man, and the trickery of the Devil. It shows me how to live a Godly life. It shows me how to resit the Devil. It shows me how to be a man of God, righteousness, holiness, and the depravity in which mankind lives. God’s word is the truth, I shall not devise my own ‘truth’ and allow sin to rule over me. The holy scripture of God, shows me what true strength is. It shows me how to be strong, yet meek. It shows me how to extend mercy to those who hurt me. It shows me how to bring peace to my home, even when the Devil steps inside. God’s word has changed me into a man who desires peace, to live in peace, to resit gossip, to stand up against injustice, but to live in the truth of the almighty God. We must stand firm on God’s word. We must not forsake one another in the trials of life, but come together in loving kindness in accordance to God’s word. 

Despite the hardships faced, and the heartbreak, life goes on. The darkness rises all around us, but a glimmering light shines to keep us reminded of the hope, that Christ is the light of the world. Even in the darkest of nights, the dawn always rises. The heart does heal, it just takes time. Scars often remain from hardships, but in our scars we learn, and we grow. Let us not allow our scars to leave behind the bitterness, and hatred that caused them to begin with. Let us seek to live life according to the wishes of our Lord God. 

Rest

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Rest

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed with life, so bogged down, so beaten down, we are either forced to rest, or we must get ahead of the game, and rest before we’re forced too. Now is one of those times. Since the hernia surgery in October, life has been fast and furious. The hernia surgery came, then the day later the gas was so overwhelming in my chest and shoulder, to find out about the enlarged aorta, to scheduling heart surgery, to all the appointments prior, and in less than a month the heart surgery. Once the heart surgery was over, the pacemaker, a nine day stay in the hospital, and then more to come. The infection that came, then the rear flank pain, that led to another ED visit, to find the fluid around the heart. The fluid turned out to be blood, meaning my heart was bleeding into the thin sack around the heart, which led to another five days in the hospital. Home life wasn’t restful either. The fireplace in the tent was not ready when I got home from heart surgery, due to a part delay. But then in reality the house itself wasn’t ready for my arrival. To top it off the day I went home from heart surgery, the car broke down and cost almost three thousand dollars to fix. Then the chimney had issues on the fireplace that needed to be fixed. Of course after heart surgery most of that I cannot do myself. in total, of course, none of which is restful. The God of the universe teaches us an important lesson in Genesis, and on the seventh day, God rested. We must take time to rest, to reflect, to give reverence to an almighty God who created the universe and us in it. Each of us, is created by God for a purpose. We are special because God ordained our birth. While we are cursed through sin to work and till the earth, we must also remember that God gave us a time to rest. In the Old Testament we read the Jews had rest on the sabbath. Today, we recognize Sunday as our day of rest. Sometimes though, we need more. So, this very day, I find rest. Rest, that is so needed, my body exhausted, my mind and heart heavy, rest is the cure for what ales me. 

I know for some, rest is hard. Even now, I find myself awake in the middle of the night. What prompts this? Many things I suppose, but the biggest is my minds inability to shut down, and simply rest. I think back to everything I’ve gone through, and truly, there is only one bible chapter that comes to mind, Psalm 23 A Psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd,

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

— Psalm 23:1-6

Finding rest in a battle is a difficult thing. When I was in Iraq, sleep was never deep. When I was on mission, and on the longer ones when sleep was necessary, on the battle field, I would sleep with my rifle sling wrapped around my arms. The rifle held tight, and my Kevlar on, or nearby. The slightest sound would rouse me awake. My body was always in a state of vigilance and it’s what likely kept me alive. Home isn’t much different really. My vigilance is like a switch stuck in the on position. True rest comes seldom, but when it does, how sweet it is. We as a society don’t take rest seriously. One source shows 120,000 work related stress deaths per year, in the United States. It’s sad really, when you consider that, if we would just take better care of ourselves, many of our health issues wouldn’t be a problem. If we found a better home/work balance, we would see a drastic drop in illnesses. 

How do we rest, and relax? Decompression is such an important part of life, yet, at least here in America, it is not something taught in school. We’re taught nothing but work, and work hard. We are taught to test, and every question has only one right answer. We are taught that downtime is bad, and nearly every minute of the day must be filled with something. Even today, we teach kids, that to keep themselves occupied, they watch screens. If you were to ask someone, how long do you sit outside, just to watch the sunset, I would presume the number of people who do, would be low. We don’t sit in nature without a task. Even though some may find it relaxing and decompressive, watching TV is not a great stress release, and here’s why. While I do this myself, we are constantly stimulated by whatever it we watch. The mind, doesn’t rest when we watch TV, or movies. So, in reality, while it may feel like we are decompressing, we truly aren’t. For me, I enjoy building Lego sets, or hiking, photographing very small things in macro settings. I enjoy picnics, and time with friends. I find writing to be fairly relaxing and therapeutic. The key, is to do something relaxing, without having to much stimulus for the mind to be ramped up. Some people enjoy knitting, or crochet. Other’s may enjoy coloring, or drawing. Another thing I enjoy is listening to music, but not with words, unless it’s something like Enya, but instrumental, calming music. Music from James Horner, who composed Titanic, and Braveheart, Beethoven, and other similar artists. When I need to rest, this is what I listen to, or Lofi-Cat on YouTube. I am also a fan of bon-fire’s, or looking into a flame, such as a candle. 

Some people drink warm tea, and others have many different things they do. Some like bubble bath’s with candles. Some like to go for a run, or go to the gym. No matter what it is you do, that’s a healthy release of stress, we need to normalize taking time for ourselves. This is not a selfish thing to do, but rather one of physical necessity. Stress is a very real killer in our society, and we don’t do a good job, especially as men, in finding ways, healthy ways, to rest, and relax. If we do not relax, stress not only kills us, but shortens our natural life. We need to remove things from our life if we need to, but it’s important we find and make the time to rest and relax. We must take time to pray, and be in prayer to our almighty Heavenly Father. We must take time for ourselves, because if we don’t, the alternative could be disastrous. 

In the New Testament we often see Jesus taking naps. I imagine the effort and energy that flows through a human body, would make him tired. I don’t know what it felt like to be fully God, and fully man, but I can understand him wanting to take naps. After everything I’ve been through since Oct, I feel my body weighing me down. There is no time during the day something doesn’t hurt. My shoulder, my neck, my back, and most recently pain in my stomach right under my ribs. Resting is what’s needed. If we do not take time to take care of ourselves, no one will. Our bodies age, and as we get older, sometimes require a bit more thought and care. We must take time for ourselves. We must put down the world, lay the cell-phones down, and relax. We cannot expect our bodies to heal, and recover if we run them to the ground, yet we don’t take time apart. Don’t underestimate how important it is to rest. So, from me to you, rest. I hope, and pray you find peace and rest this 2025. Lets start off strong, and continue the fight. Rest when you can, and know peace in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. May His peace be with you. May His strength be with you. May His joy be your joy. Rest well my friends. Rest well. 

Ashes to Ashes

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Ashes to Ashes

We often don’t think much about the draw of time on our bodies, or about time itself. I’ve been taking some time to think about what it was God said to Adam in the Garden of Eden just prior to his exile: 

By the sweat of your face

You will eat bread,

Till you return to the ground,

Because from it you were taken;

For you are dust,

And to dust you shall return.”

— Genesis 3:19

You must work, and work hard all the days of your life. You will eat the product of your work till your days end. This is the curse on which the human race is forced to live. Our lives are bound to the linear decay, a beginning, and an end of time. We face tomorrow with optimism, even though we have seen the perpetual onslaught of unanticipated trials and tribulations. While some people may plan for the future to have some struggles, it’s the reality that life will throw untold amount of struggles our way that we will never truly be able to plan for, or avoid. How do we handle life’s day to day struggles? We must face our lives with dignity and strength. How though is this done? When our struggle is the nature of time itself, we must understand our lives are truly only in the present. 

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, that it would worry for itself. Our lives are the moments in which we live. Sure, we can plan for tomorrow, but it’s the here and now, we must truly focus on. The little muscle in your mouth, what is said, how does it make others feel? What kinds of hurt does the tongue cause, and the damage does it do once those words are sent into the air. We cannot undo, nor can we live in the past. We often get stuck in a moment in time of the past. When I was a younger man, I experienced trauma, after trauma, after trauma, and in my own way, unbeknownst to those around me, I too remained trapped in moments of time. As a child, I learned how to use compartmentalization for every incident I faced. In a moment of weakness, a total loss of control, I faced my own mortality. A moment in time, when for a second, time seemed to stop. In that moment, the culmination of my failures tumbled down like castles built on sand, drowning in a tidal wave of regret, disappointment, and pictures of the trauma running through my mind. My world fell apart in a moment in time. But, since then, small moments have built upon one, and then another, and eventually life changed, and we rest upon today, this very moment where I am typing one word after another. I have survived trauma, after trauma, and several life changing events. I have overcome some pretty big obstacles as I have faced death head on, and God pulled me through, not myself. I do not have the power to beat death, but God has the power, that in me, He overcame the death of a soul, and as far as my physical body, God has seen fit to bring me through the brink of death, now many times over. A few weeks ago, my heart stopped as I lay in bed, aware the pacemaker would stop, and aware the inevitable outcome would likely be my heart stopping, and I would feel it slow, the world around me would fade, and black would surround me. The brink of death was upon me, and I had no control over it. When the time comes in our lives, the end of that verse will play out, from dust we came, from dust we shall return. God knows the date each of us will be conceived, and He knows the date we will draw our final breath. It’s this knowledge we must face the truth, there are only two things that truly matter in this life, our faith in Christ, and the people in our lives. 

On a regular basis we neglect the people in our lives by the things we say, the things we do, or more aptly, the things we don’t do. In reality, do we love others the way we should? Do we show that love to the people we care about? Do we show up when they need us the most? How do we spend our days, and what do we spend our days doing? What is it we focus on? What is it we put our time and effort into? These things often not only take our gaze off of our so called loved ones, but our Lord also. We have so little precious time with our loved ones, and yet we are derelict in our affections. Not only do we have sin in our lives against a Holy God, that sin goes out against those in our lives. Is the idol in our lives appointments? Is the idol in our lives, sports, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, or something else? We often fill our lives with stuff, and it’s that stuff that takes our focus from God, and the people in our lives. We let these many distractions of the world remove us from the lives of the people we once cared for. Days turn to weeks, turn to years, and we’ve all of a sudden lost track of people we once loved. The years creep in between, and before you know it, a car accident, an illness, something makes all the stuff we filled our lives with seem worthless and meaningless. How did we let so much time go by before we reached out? How did we let so much time go by before we told that person how we felt? How do we let that much time go by without talking to God? Time is not an ally, it’s an enemy. We can neither reason with it, or do anything to buy more of it. When time is up, it’s up. What did we do with the time that was given to us? Did we use it wisely, or did we waist it? Did we use the time God gave to us to glorify Him, and to share His gospel, to grow the kingdom? If we are evaluated on our time management, how well do we score? When sharing the love of Christ is the card in which we are judged. 

This is not a new perspective of mine, but rather one that has presented itself to me multiple times in my life. Having so many near death experiences tends to do that to a person. The difference now, rather than in my past, is in my past, I was the victim of hardships, rather than the survivor of hardships. My surviving, is not of my own doing, but the will of God. The will of God in my life is that He be glorified in my trials. Much like Steven, or Paul, Joseph, or Moses, praising God in the storm is how they got through it. Today, in this time, many people only praise God when life is good, but the moment something takes away that good feeling, God becomes the enemy. The reality is, we face a very real enemy in our lives, and it isn’t God. We are in a battle, just one we cannot see. All around us there’s a battle for our souls, and our lives. Demons roam this world sewing chaos, deception, and dissension among the mortal men. Angels go around nurturing those in need, bringing peace, and comfort, wisdom, and guidance. The war for our souls is won in Jesus Christ, because the end of time is already written, but today, here and now, we are still in the battle. Do we stand ready to fight in the here and now, or do we allow the world to dictate terms? Do we fight for what God told us to do, by loving one another thus fulfilling the Law? We are to love, and love takes effort. Love takes nurturing a baby fire, or a raging fire, but always tending to its needs. If the fire is left unattended, just like my fireplace, the fire will go out. Love takes action, and when we love the people in our lives, it takes action to show them love. How do we show up for them? Is it a text, or a call, a visit, or a card in the mail? With today’s technology, we have never been able to reach out to someone more easily to keep in touch, yet we have never been more distant from one another. Our own brilliance has been used as a tool by the Devil to separate us. Sadly, it worked. 

If heart surgery has taught me nothing else, it’s to cherish every moment. I myself am not afraid to die, in fact, in many ways, I long for it. That is not me wishing it would come today, but knowing what my tomorrow brings is something I long for. To have a glorified body, without the pain, without the tears, or the suffering of this world, but to live in paradise with the creator of the universe. The problem with death for a believer, is the hardships your absence brings to those who loved you and those you love. Sadly, I have seen it too often where the death of a friend is the catalyst that brings people together. It’s death that brings friends and family together who haven’t seen one another in years, who haven’t talked in that time. Death reminds us for a fleeting moment, that we haven’t talked in forever. Yet, in our day to day, we do nothing to change it. My wish for you is to look at your life and seek after those whom you love. Do not take time for granted because it isn’t your friend. Time slows, nor stops for anyone, and it bends it’s will to only our creator. What are you doing with the time given to you? One day we will return to the dust in which we were created. We cannot fight our expiration date. We may be able to extend life, or even push death back a little, but even those things are predestined by a Holy God. My open-heart surgery did not take God by surprise, and it is not lost on me that given this happened 30 years ago, I would likely have died. I was predestined to experience everything over the last few weeks, and how I handled them, do my actions highlight Christ, yes, or no? This is the biggest question I must answer for. Am I showing, and sharing love? Are people my focus, or is it other things? All these things I will answer for, along with my sins upon the day of judgment. Today is not the day I die, but perhaps, it’s the day I die to myself. Scripture tells us to die to one’s self, pick up thine cross and follow Christ. Carry that cross for all the world to see. Let the world know that you die to yourself, allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell inside you. Bringing your soul to life from the dead man/woman, you were. Being born again, and realizing the true bondage is that of sin, and that through sin, the world has a hold on you. The world tells you a load of lies, and we live according to them. What it means to be successful, to be beautiful, to be liked, or respected, but the biblical replies do not match with that of the world. Following Christ means we live different, we look different, we act different, we become different then the world. Our priorities change, and with that change, our relationships begin to change. Let us never forget why we are to love, and let us never forget what it means to love. Love is to lay down ones life for a friend. Love is to love like Christ loved and died for the church. Love is to be patient and kind, never jealous, never bragging or being arrogant. It never acts unbecomingly, and does not seek to lift up ones self, but lifting up others. It is not provoking, nor is it provoked. It does not keep track of the wrongs done, but washes away the wrong as our sins are washed away as if the slate was made new. Love, loves and rejoices in the truth, as it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Do we truly have the guile to say we love others like this? Many cannot say they truly love their own spouses like this. Yet, this is what we are called to do. This is how scripture defines love. This is the love we are called to love one another and our enemies, yet the smallest argument ends friendships. We face an enemy that is crafty like no other, and he wants to destroy you, to break you, to separate you, and ultimately, to devour your spirit, separating you from God. Satan uses time as his ally, and a weapon against humanity. While he cannot control time and space, he can entice us to forsake friends and family, and ignore our responsibilities. Sadly, we allow this to happen time and time again. 

I hope you read this and you find the time for old friends, and existing ones. I hope you find the time for your family, your spouse, your kids, but most importantly, that you find the time for God. My prayer is that you will seek God daily, and you give God the time He deserves. I pray you let go of worldly things that do little for your life, but does a lot to pull you away from important things. I’m not saying it isn’t okay to have hobbies like bowling, or fishing, hunting, or other things, but use those things to grow your relationships, or use those things to grow closer to God. While you’re fishing do you talk with God? While your bowling, do you share Jesus with your team, or the team next to you? While your kids are at soccer, do you let Jesus flow from your behavior? Let us use the time we have better. Let us continue to seek Jesus, and then share Jesus. Let us love others like we are truly called to love one another. Let us remember who the true enemy is, and focus on preparing for battle, because make no mistake, the next battle is right around the corner. Those who do not prepare, will be unequipped to handle it. We must be ready to fight, to hold fast, and know the word, so when the temptation comes, you can be ready with the word of God. Whole Armor of God, a soldier ready for the battle and never out of the fight. We fight till the day the Lord calls us home. Till that day comes, may God bless you, and may the Holy Spirit fill you, and let your cup fillith over.  

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Christmas 2024

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Christmas 2024

This Christmas has been like none I’ve ever experienced. I have spent this beautiful holiday in far distant lands of sand, where there were enemies that wanted nothing more but to kill Americans. I was in a humvee that was struck by an IED on the 22nd of December. I’ve spent many Christmas’s away from home, from being in Europe, to distant states, but this year being away from home is completely different. This year I’m away from home because I sit in an CICU bed in my local VA hospital. Even though I’m here, and even though I find myself in considerable pain, I know that it’s still worth saying Hallelujah.

On Friday the 20th I was reading through my CT and X-Ray reports. I saw something in the report that raised a question. Hemopericardium- is a condition where blood accumulates in the pericardial sac around the heart. I sent a message on Friday, knowing I wouldn’t hear back till Monday. Sunday afternoon came and while a friend was visiting me at the house I begun feeling pain in the lower left flank of my back. Pain like this usually has equated to a kidney stone. After the pain got worse, the decision was made to go to the ED for tests and scans. I went back to the hospital where they began running urinalysis tests, but also a CT. The CT showed no kidney stone at all. The only thing it showed was an increase in the fluid around the heart. After several long hours I was sent home with the plan to take some meds for constipation.

Monday morning came and the phone rang early, it was a familiar voice, Alison, from my cardiac team. She was calling with some bad news. I needed to go to the VA immediately for more scans. To be specific it was an echocardiogram, to look at how much fluid there was around my heart. Was the heart being impeded? After an hour or so, I received a call back from Allison, the emergency department was ready for me, and so was a bed. I would be admitted right away. As the tears flowed from my eyes in the cafeteria, I found myself heart broken for my family, not for myself as much, but upset for them I wouldn’t be home for Christmas. How difficult it had been after heart surgery, and now this.

Later that evening I was prepped to have a drain tube installed on my heart. I’m no stranger to these tubes, for back in 2016 I had one placed for my lung to drain. With every breath the tube rubs on the ribs. With this particular tube it also rubs on the inside near the heart. This hurts to move, to breathe, and eat. Even with the IV medication to take the edge off, it still hurts all the time. I am unable to stand up, or move much, due to the risks to my heart being damaged by the tube. This has made for a long few days.

Today: is Christmas Day. What can we do when we are in the face of danger? What can we do when we don’t get what we want in this life? We rejoice, rejoice that our savior came as an innocent baby. Our savior grew to be a strong man, strong in wisdom, and faith, and lived a perfect life. That man willingly went to the grave, even though at the wave of a hand He could have summoned a legion of heavenly angels. He could have destroyed all those who would do him harm. At his own voice, those seeking to arrest him were knocked off their feet. The power that was sheathed that day, so we may have everlasting peace, is something we know very little about. We cannot truly fathom the power the prince of piece actually has. We do not know or understand the true nature of God’s power. We saw some of it displayed in the OT. But in reality, that’s still vailed.

Today on Christmas, I lay here in my bed, unable to move much, but I am thankful that a miracle came to me, and yet again saved my life. I’ve had a few miracles in just a short time, I cannot help but feel gratitude to a Holy God for his gracious and loving presence in my life. I have deserved none of this. God has shown up in my life while I have been unworthy of it. How could I repay a righteousness and Holy God? My works are filthy rags to the Lord, and yet, faith without works is nothing. James 2:17 We are saved by our faith, not by our works, but the works in our life is the fruit of our lives. We must continue to fight the good fight while we still have breath in our lives. We must continue to grow and be sanctified in the Lord. My life is spared, again, and here I am. There is no better Christmas gift than the gift of life. While my heart was silently being crushed by the blood in which that very heart was pumping, a random pain, and a random CT, saved my life. “In my experience there’s no such thing as luck” (Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars- A New Hope, 1977). What most people would see as luck I see as God’s providence, God’s sovereignty.

God has a plan for each of us, and for some people it’s to allow us to live the lives we want on this earth. Our earthly possessions, and aspirations are the only thing we’ll ever achieve. For others, who seek God’s face, and seek the kingdom of God, this world is fleeting, and only the mission field for an ambassador for the Lord. We who seek the Lord are soldiers on the front lines. We fight His fight and we never give up. Is this where I would have chosen to spend my Christmas? No, of course not. But I hope that while I was here I brought some smiles, and some Christmas joy to those around me. I hope I was able to show a little Jesus to those whom I encountered. Ultimately, no matter where we find ourselves, we must do our best to please the Lord. We must try our best to serve the Lord and put a smile on his face. Let us remember what the true meaning of Christmas is, and that’s the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. But while He was born, He didn’t stay a baby, He was raised by earthly parents, He lived, He grew, and when He reached His 30’s, He began His earthly ministry. He was crucified and died, was buried, and rose again on the 3rd day. Our hope rests in the fact that over 500 people saw the resurrected Jesus Christ. He was not some madman, or just some nice guy, He was certainly, no liar. He didn’t lie, and the Apostles who witnessed what happened didn’t die for a lie, they died for the truth. Let us see the truth, and let us live for the truth. Let us spread the truth, and know that nothing Satan can try to do will ever destroy what the Lord made.

Today let us celebrate Christmas, and let us say Happy Birthday Jesus.

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One Month Later 

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One Month Later 

It’s been a month since my open-heart surgery. Not yet a month for the pacemaker, but we’re coming up on that in a week. I can’t say with honesty that the recovery has gone very well. With the initial severe pain in my neck and shoulders, then the pacemaker, and the severe pain in the left shoulder, then the infection, the pain from the lead left behind over my stomach, it’s been difficult. The drive home from the hospital was marred with trouble, when the car broke down smoking. This later cost me almost three thousand dollars to repair, funds I don’t have. Even now I’m still on antibiotics fighting an infection. After getting home I started to sleep in the recliner, because I could get in and out easier than a bed. Then there was a problem with the fireplace chimney, which only just got fixed yesterday the 20th. Now, were finding the heater isn’t quite as efficient as consumers are led to believe. The amount of pellets it takes in just a few hours is staggering. So much so, that in the middle of the night, I woke to 30* temperatures, because the heater ran out of pellets. Let us not forget the sprained ankle from walking laps in the house without shoes. Let’s say the recovery, and rest I was hoping for has been far off from me. If I had to take a guess, I’d say Satan was playing with me, causing issues to see what I’d do. Am I as strong as I say? Where is my breaking point? To be honest, I don’t know. I’d like to think I’m strong, but I know my flesh is often weak. To say I have not been frustrated would be to speak falsely. I have struggled with my cough, with my limitations of not being able to take care of myself. It’s not an easy thing to go from independent, to dependent overnight. It’s also a difficult thing when you are in chronic pain after surgery for a long period of time. While I have hopes that this pain will eventually dissipate, in the back of my mind, I am preparing myself for the possibility it does not go away and get better. Right now, simple things like walking, hurt my shoulder. If walking hurts, how will I go hiking, or photography, or lightsaber dueling? Will I be able to work around the house without having pain in my shoulder and chest? I already have to deal with the cervical spine pain I often feel, adding to it would be fairly miserable.

Jesus tells us to take heart, that He has overcome the world, and in this life we would have troubles, but to know there is better for us. I know that I will endure troubles, even if it’s not in the way of religious persecution, I know there will be difficult waters ahead. A few months ago I wrote this “Many years ago, the dark nearly took me. I fell overboard when a rogue wave hit the ship so hard it jeered and I flew overboard. I thought for sure the waters would take me, but somehow, the Captain dove in and pulled me up. He said, ‘Your sailing days aren’t done yet.’ No more words were ever spoken about it, but I knew the Captain saw something in me that day. Didn’t have to risk Himself for me, but ever since, it’s felt like He’s kept a special eye on me.” (The Best Captain, The Arrow Preacher, May 28,2024: https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/05/28/the-best-captain/ ) 

I went on to say “He replied, “I am who I am. I am the way, the truth the life. I am the alpha and the omega. I am the Good Shepherd whom you’ve heard my voice. I am the Lion, and the Lamb. I am Emmanuel, I am Jesus, your Captain. And I’ve got you. Trust in me, and I will see you through to the end of the age, when I welcome you home, when we reach the shores of my Kingdom. You will then have rest. Till then, we’ve got work to do.” ((The Best Captain, The Arrow Preacher, May 28,2024: https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/05/28/the-best-captain/ )

We must take each day as a gift, and while things may not be smooth sailing, trust that Jesus is still in control. He’s still at the right hand of the father interceding on your behalf, on my behalf. Satan is the real enemy, and he very much wants to destroy you, and damage your relationship with the father. What better way to make you so comfortable that you would give up Jesus for your comfort. Satan gives those what their heart desires, and sometimes God allows you to have what you truly want, and it looks like, and taste like the world. This is the only happiness some people will ever have, and they trade eternity, for comfort in this life. Would you still praise God with a gun to your head in an African country where the rebels seek to kill all Christians? Some people should think long and hard about where they truly place their heart. Me, as I said recently, I’m ready to go meet Jesus, but I know He’s kept me on earth for a purpose, and I’ll continue to fight the fight as His soldier, till the day I am called home.

Life is not easy, and it’s not meant to be easy. Jesus tells us it’s only by the narrow way, and few would enter it, to find salvation. The sad reality is not everyone will be saved, because they chose to follow their hearts flesh desires, and remain dead on the inside. They do not hear the calling of Jesus. What is it Jesus says? On that day many will come to me saying Lord, Lord, have we not prophesized in your name, and cast out demons in your name, done many works in your name? And Jesus replies, depart from me, you who practice lawlessness, I never knew you. What is your motive for preaching Jesus? Is it so people would look at you? Is it so you would get rich? Is it so you would have an ‘easy’ life? Indeed, the first thing you should say to Jesus upon facing Him, is Lord I am not worthy to be here, please forgive me, you are most high, and holy. It should be about the Lord, because it isn’t about us, it’s about what God does through us. It’s not about your pride, or my own pride, but rather what God works through your life, so HE gets the GLORY, not you. 

God has done such a mighty work in my life, it’s hard not to talk about it. There was a plan this fall to travel to the Philippines for Christmas. Had I gone, it was very possible my aorta could have ruptured and I die. Or my valve failed, and I died. Did God spare my family and friends the hardships of my death? See, I am not afraid of dying. I’m not opposed to it, and to be rid of this broken body, that’s always in pain. I’m not opposed to being set free from this life of poverty. I know however, my family and friends would be upset if something happened to me. God has a purpose in my life, and while I don’t know what that is, I know that I am to serve Him. I have a broad idea of what He wants me to do, and in part it’s this, writing, and doing my YouTube podcast. I have a place as head of my household to continue to be the spiritual leader. I have friends I minister to, and I help them navigate life in a Godly way. I may not be rich, or famous, and I may struggle financially, and I may live in a tent, but I know as long as I’m doing the Lords work, I will remain in His blessings, and my needs will be provided for. Make no mistake, while I do live in poverty, I do live in a tent, I make very little money in this economy, I cannot buy a new car, or purchase a home, I am still richly blessed. I may not live in a mansion somewhere, but I know that I have joy in my heart, for the Lord has blessed me with the miracle of life this Christmas. Can you count your blessings in your own life? Can you see what gifts God has given to you, that you could use to glorify Him? Are you seeking God with everything you are? Or, are you lazy, and apathetic about your walk with the Lord? We must rid ourselves of the worldly distractions, and focus on the Lord. So few of us read our bibles daily. So few of us pray without ceasing. When was the last time you prayed for others, and nothing for yourself? When was the last time you told anyone about Jesus? Do you adhere to the command to fulfill the great commission? To go and make disciples of all the nations and to baptize them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit? When was the last time you messaged your ‘friend’ you haven’t spoken to or checked on in months? We each have our own gifts, and we must learn to use those gifts to share Jesus with others. Why would we want to keep silent, knowing millions of people are headed for Hell when they die? Why wouldn’t we want to do what God has told us to do, and share the Gospel, the Good News, with anyone we can. I believe we can all do better doing this. I believe we must merely ask God to give us the spirit of courage we need, and to remove the fear we experience, to give us the strength to share Jesus with others. 

I have been saved many times by God, but this last one hits different. The path laid out nearly a year ago, that led me from one incident, to another, and another, and finally to open heart surgery is more than several coincidences. Remove any one of those stepping stones, and I don’t wind up at open heart surgery, and I could easily have died. One incident may be considered coincidence, but when you stack several in a row, that becomes a statistical improbability, so logic would dictate that there is a loving God, who looks after His sheep. There is a creator that designed this universe with care, and precision. There is an intelligent designer that is:

Omnipotence: God’s power to do anything

Omniscience: God’s knowledge of everything

Omnipresence: God’s existence in every place and time

We may not understand God’s ways, but He sees the entire photo, while we only see one small piece of the mosaic. We must learn to not only to obey God’s commands, but to trust in His plan, even when we don’t understand it. I do not know God’s plan for me, other than right now, I continue what I’m doing, but I do know, the more I walk with Him, the closer I’ll get, the better off I am, and the easier I’ll hear his message for me. I need to trust that if He wants me to do something, I must be willing to hear it. I do have faith in Jesus, that no matter if I’m in the middle of the storm, or if I’m lying on a beaching next to the ocean, or if I’m in the valley fighting for my life, Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to be right there with me. I also believe that we have Angels around us, invisible to us, to help minister to us. We cannot live our lives shaking our fist to the heavens asking why all the time. We cannot spend our lives angry at God, because some how we didn’t get our way. We cannot say what is good or bad, only how we act to stimuli. We must be faithful to God, and push away our temptation to sin. We must push away our lust of the flesh, and want of earthly treasures. We cannot allow money, or things, to become idols in our lives. We must not forsake our marriages for temporary flings. We must not forsake our family for work. The list of idols is long and could go on, but I think you get the point. We are to put away all our hate, and love of the flesh, with all malice. We must focus on God, and seek first His Kingdom. Are you ready and willing to make changes in your life to better serve God? Are you willing to take a look in the mirror and acknowledge your short comings, your sins? Are you willing to seek forgiveness in those you’ve wronged? Are you willing to ask forgiveness of a Holy God, whom you’ve sinned against? We must do more than just believe in God, for even the demons believe in God. We must obey God; we must love and seek God with all we are and all we have. We must study the bible without placing yourself in the story. We must properly study the Word of God, and do what’s called exegesis, rather than Eisegesis: the practice of interpreting a text by inserting one’s own ideas, biases, or agendas into it. We must be willing to forsake all other things, if He asked it of us. What are you willing to do to serve an all mighty and holy God? At the very least, are you ready to praise and worship the king of kings, and the lord of lords? Emmanuel with us, the Lion of Judah, the Prince of Peace, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. I am grateful to have been given life, and in the midst of the storm, the hard, long road, it truly is a hard fought hallelujah. 

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The Week My Heart Stopped

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The Week My Heart Stopped

First of, I’m a 40 year old male, with no history of heart problems. My story is one that highlights the power and sovereignty of God. I suppose to understand, one must venture to the beginning, as to fully grasp the situation. The details are an important part of the story. June 19th was the last day of VBS (Vacation Bible School) at church. One of the youth, and a kid I’ve known for many years approached me with a challenge, a foot race. Having a bad knee, and knowing I’m not supposed to run, it’s odd that I accepted his challenge to begin with. A few months prior I had found out I had a hernia on the right side of my groin. One more reason to say no, but I didn’t. Against what would have been better judgement, I said okay. The foot race commenced and I won. A victory over someone, someone so young, was short lived as the next day I was in the hospital. That hernia decided to bulge, leaving me unable to walk. When the doc came in to ‘fix’ it, I was grateful. The conversation ended with me going along with what turned out to be double ingroinal hernia surgery. Not one but two hernias. This would not take place till October however, so I had the rest of the summer to enjoy.

The hernia surgery came on the 28th of October. It was a quick surgery and a success. That is, till a single day later when the gas from the surgery migrated up to my right shoulder, causing significant pain. During the CT scan, something odd was seen, not of the gas but with my heart. My Aorta was not the right size. I was sitting in my room waiting for the doctors and when one came in, it would quickly become a whole ordeal. Several more doctors from different departments would grace my bedside. A plan was being formulated for priority open heart surgery. How did I go from hernia surgery to open heart surgery in a day? It turned out, that my aorta root was a bit larger than it should. Surgery threshold is 5.5 cm, but my root measured around 6.3. As it turned out, I had what is known as a ‘Bicuspid’ valve. When someone has this defect, their muscles, and ligaments can sometimes be super stretchy. Could this be the problem with my neck and my knee? Perhaps. Surgery would be set for Nov 22nd. Just less than a month later after hernia surgery. The amount of scans and tests I had to do in the meantime kept me very busy. Unfortunately I was not able to prepare everything for the heart surgery as I had attempted to do for the hernia surgery. Being the man of the house meant I did the heavy lifting. Planning for two months was not only expensive, but took a great deal of thought. Going into hernia surgery I felt prepared to be limited for a while. Going into heart surgery left me feeling wholly unprepared.

The 22nd came, and my nervousness showed in all my blood pressure tests. The morning was early, and I had once again found myself in surgery safety prep on the fourth floor of the VA hospital in Durham NC. Some familiar faces graced my bedside as I was shaved from my shoulders to my feet. I had already had to shave my beared the night before which was difficult, and I shaved my head as well, completely changing the way I looked just 24 hours prior. Long thin hair, and a long beard, now gone. Surgery prep seemed to go pretty quick this time. Before I knew it, most of my team was at my bedside for one final walkthrough of my case. The heart model I took for them to sign was signed, my last will and testament was submitted, and i was as ready as I could be.

Four hours was all the time the doc needed to replace my aorta root, the valve, and stem. A rock star of the aorta valve replacement world. A surgery that would normally take 8 hours he did in 4. That night they would start to wake me up, and I remember still having the ventilator tube down my throat. At first I was okay, but the longer they took to remove it, while I was awake, the more I began to panic. My mind said get it out, even though it was doing the breathing for me, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. The tube was removed, and my memory foggy. I remember family being at my bedside, and a friend. The meds I was on, quickly put me back to sleep, till I was awoken the next morning to walk. Having multiple chest tubes, and an external temporary pacemaker, It took everything I had to get out of bed. I gripped my heart pillow with all the minuscule strength I had. Finally they got me up, I walked, and then I was back to the chair. In reality, I don’t remember much except being silly with my friend who was there, and my supportive bride. The medication they had me on was pretty strong and kept me in a fairly high state. By Tuesday, it seemed there might be something wrong. My heart wasn’t responding to being woken up. Test after test showed my heart was not responding and not functioning on it’s own without the pacemaker. Wednesday came, and the test was a 12 lead EKG, while they turned off the pacemaker. Essentially, they needed to see what was wrong, and what my heart was doing.

Wednesday, five days after heart surgery. The room was cleared so no one would see what happened, at my request. The leads were attached, and the nurse held my hand. The EKG started. Then, the countdown began, 3…2…1… and the pacemaker was turned off. My eyes couldn’t stay open, as I lost consciousness. My heart stopped. The test only kept the pacer off for 3 seconds, but for those 3 seconds, my heart stopped, and I was aware of it. I could feel the lightheadedness, the lack of oxygen flowing through my body. I could feel my body giving up the fight to stay awake. Within moments, I regained semi consciousness, and a few moments later it was better, but tears flowed down my face. How could life had come to this? By Friday I was scheduled to have a pacemaker installed. I am only 40 years old, and I have an artificial heart valve, and a device keeping my heart pumping. How could life have come to this? The answer is simple really, and can be found in scripture.

As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

— John 9:1-3

This wasn’t something God was doing to me, but something God saved me from. After a talk with one of my surgeons, I would find that the valve could have failed at any time. The valve description used was ‘gnarly’. So, in reality, both the valve, and the root were ticking time bombs. The root could have dissected, split open at any time. My plans were to be in the Philippines for Christmas this year. Instead I found myself having this surgery. God, has been in the details all year. From the original finding of the hernia, to the foot race, forcing my hand for surgery, to the gas going into the chest, which was fairly uncommon, to the incidental finding of my aorta on a scan not looking specifically at my heart. These things are too many coincidences to be considered coincidences. If the universe were truly chaos and random, then the odds of this many events culminating in life saving surgery, would be unlikely. But, that’s not how an Almighty God works. God saved my life, again. While my recovery has been difficult, and having the pacemaker adds extra challenges, the truth is, I was given the gift of life for Christmas.

This revelation of God’s sovereignty and grace, does not take away the hardships of heart surgery. It doesn’t take away the emotions left behind in it’s wake. When your body feels foreign, and broken, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Yes, I am bored at home, and walking is a challenge because there is no place good to walk inside. Being too cold outside, has made recovery a challenge. Having to put my car in the shop the day after being released from the hospital, and having a $3000 dollar car repair, right before Christmas, has left me feeling a bit down. The Devil has thrown much at me since my time home from the hospital. It isn’t just the body that needs to heal after this kind of surgery, but the mind as well. I have found myself struggling needing help with everything I do. I have felt like a burden, a waist of time, weak. I have felt sorry for myself a time or too also. The struggle to do what is necessary for the recovery of mind and body is not one easily found where I live. I live too far from the local mall to walk. We have no recreation centers with indoor tracks. We have no large stores other than a small Walmart and a Lowe’s which neither sound appealing to walk. I have some ideas I may implement soon, money though is the question. I know the Lord provides all we need, I question if something is a need or a want.

I am slowly recovering physically, but I do believe the recovery is still a long ways away. God being in the details gives me hope that there is a reason for His saving my life yet again. The time bomb in my chest was diffused, and I now have time to do whatever the Lord wishes. Both the valve and the root could have given way at any moment, but God stopped me from going across the world, to have this surgery, and I know there has to be a reason. I don’t know why God gave me this pace maker, but this too is part of the Lords plan. I have said before, ‘all we can do with the time given to us is choose how we reply to each moment of our lives.’ We don’t have a say in what happens to us much of the time. We can’t change what people say or do in our lives, except try to live as Godly as possible. Living for Christ, and making decisions based on what we think would be pleasing to Him is truly all we can do.

It astounds me to think just a few weeks ago my entire chest was cracked open, exposed to the world. My heart was in the hands of a stranger. The gift of life this Christmas came at the hands of God. God didn’t have to give us warning something was wrong. God could have just taken me home. For whatever reason, God saw fit to save my earthly life, and here I am fighting the good fight for the Lord of Lords still. God works in mysterious ways for sure, and while I do not know why it is God has seen fit to save my life, yet again, I will continue to serve the best I can. Sometimes it’s hard to raise a hallelujah. Sometimes it’s all we can do do get out those words to praise a Holy God. Sometimes the world has done a number on us, and we’re down on our knees for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the voice of God through the noise of the world. Sometimes it’s a storm tossed ship, wrecked and ravaged by the nature of this world. It’s in these moments, that we must raise the hallelujah. It’s these times we must praise God even more, and turn to Him for guidance and peace. Sometimes it’s a hard fought hallelujah, but in the battle we know it doesn’t belong to us. We know that Jesus already won the battle. The mighty victory cry he cried on the cross, ‘tetelestai’, or it is finished. This single word is more than just it is finished, but rather, the contract is complete, the battle is completely won, the bill is completely paid for. This was used in business, the debt is fully paid, judgment in court, sentence fully served, and the battle is fully won. How great is it to know that Jesus won our battles. The battle today is not of my own, or your own. We bare the cross yes, but Jesus already won the battle. The story we are in is already complete and will one day end. We see the battle, but Jesus sees our victory. When we see the deep valley, Jesus sees the triumph at the end of the road. We must take our troubles, and sorrows to the one who can do something about it, our Lord, our Savior, Jesus the Christ. We fight not against flesh and blood but in the spiritual realm of our souls. The Devil may break our bodies, he may attack our stuff, but what remains behind is our souls. Prayer is often underutilized. We often forget we have the ability to talk directly to the sovereign of the universe. We will suffer in this world, this was promised. Being a Christian, being a member of ‘the way’ is not one for the faint of heart. Jesus told us in scripture, it would take everything we have. Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.” To pick up your cross meant to die to yourself. To do so publicly as the world would see you carry your cross. It meant to be ostracized by society. It meant to kill away your sins inside yourself daily. To give up your own pride, and your own selfish ambitions, to give your life to the Lord, and to do so publicly, unafraid. We are told the path to the Father is a narrow one, and many would rather chose or walk the wide path of destruction.

Life is going to be full of hardships, and despite those hardships, Jesus won our battle. Jesus fought the fight, and won. He defeated sin, and we have eternal hope. People want to talk about love is love, but true love is telling someone the truth. Jesus said he didn’t come to unite, but to divide us. The truth is, 2000 years ago, the Devil lost his fight when Christ became victorious over death. We have not seen the last of the war, but we know that Christ wins the war. People often think of Jesus as sweet baby Jesus, or hippy Jesus. The truth is, when Christ comes back, it will not be for earthly peace. When Jesus returns, it’ll be to bring righteous war upon the world that has rejected Him, in His perfect judgment for the sins of the world. We do not know the time of His return, but we are called to be ready for it. Jesus will return, sword in hand, and with the legions of Angels He commands, will fight to destroy the remaining evil in the world. The bowl judgments will pour out upon humanity, the trumpets will sound, and eventually God will reverse creation, wiping out all what we know, and He will rebuild. Jesus, the Lion of Judah, is not a hippy love is love Jesus. Jesus said, if you love me you will follow my commandments, so we are to love God’s commandments, and not just the ones we like. Is this life hard? It sure is, but we have a God who understands. We have a God that put on flesh to understand our sufferings. Count it all joy my brethren when you endure trials. Swords must be tempered in fire. Gold purified in the fiery furnace. Steel for everything we use is forged. Why would we be any different? Jesus told us the truth, that this life is hard. He loved us enough to show us the truth in His sacrifice. It would be easy if Jesus said, ‘you’re life would be a piece of cake’. That however wouldn’t be the truth. Some so called pastors say this, but it’s a lie from the Devil. We are soldiers, so let us soldier up, and get back into the fight. When the Devil starts shooting those arrows at you, cover behind the shield God gave you. Then when the time is right, spring forward, sword raised high, and push forward. We are soldiers on the battlefield, and it’s full of death, destruction, hardships, but we have the might of God, and the Angels on our side. Keep fighting, because inside you is a roaring lion. The spirit of God, the spirit of courage, bravery, and a spirit of hope, we are soldiers in this life. Fight on, and never quit. The truth of God is all around us, we just have to look around. We see His truth in the complexity of the plants, animals, our own bodies, the universe. We will emerge victorious, because Jesus is victorious.

God saved my life, and I know that I’ve been saved by the blood. I’ve been given life, and I will not let the Devil win. I will not let the demons whispering in my ear to quit, win. I will not stop preaching and teaching His mighty word. I will crawl if I have to, but I’ll keep going. My life is in God’s hands, and I was a soldier in this earthly life, I am a soldier for God, and my family I will keep my Armor tight, and show them, not my strength, but the strength God has given to me. I am saved, born again, washed by the water. Hallelujah to my Lord, this is a long hard fought Hallelujah. Let God have the Glory in my life. Why am I going through these hardships? So God would be glorified through it. Let us turn to God and show him the praise and worship, only He deserves. One day I will be recalled from this duty station. One day, the Lord will say my watch is over. One day Jesus will tell me, well done soldier, now rest. One day I will take up residence where I truly belong. One day, I will see what I’ve been fighting for this whole time. I long for that day, but for now, I will serve God faithfully here. I will fight for my family. I will be the spiritual head of my home. I will fight back against the Devil, I will resist with all my might, and protect my family. My service isn’t over yet, and God saving my life, not once, not twice, but three times or more, tells me He still has plans for me. Into the battle, He’s prepared my fingers for war. Let us pick up the shield, the sword, and let us go do some work. Fight the good fight soldiers of Christ, your not done yet.

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Abba

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Abba

The days come and go, and while they do, all I can do is manage my actions in each instance. In my life as I have experienced one major trial after another, I have grown closer to God. I have no control over tomorrow, all I have control over is how I respond. Is the way I respond glorifying to God? Does how I respond bring pleasure to my Abba Father? When I face Christ at the judgment seat, I have no excuse to give. While I am preparing for the biggest surgery of my life, I have to face the truth up front. 

I have often looked back in the recent days, at my life. My days of military service has been on my mind. I look back at my injuries and wonder if they are the result of a gene that caused this bicuspid valve. My knee injury in 2005, was this a result in a weakened muscle group? What about the three hernias I’ve had; are they a result of this gene? While I will not likely get an answer to this, I know that regardless of the cause, I must handle and manage my emotions, my responses and actions, in the midst of these trials. 

I was told recently that my relentless positivity is enjoyed. I have not felt very positive recently due to the amount of tears I have shed. I have tried to maintain a positive outlook, and while I stumble, I am picking myself up. My emotions have been intense recently. As i get older I find myself more accepting of Gods plan. Tomorrow is already written, and I cannot alter God’s plan. Yes we have our free will as far as how we respond to stimuli. God gives power, God gives opportunity, God gives us choices. Do we take the fruit or not. Do we scream, or talk in a calm edifying voice? Because I am becoming more aware of myself, and where I fit in to this world, I find myself more at peace. 

Peace in life despite the absolute hardships I have endured, is not due to my own actions, but a change within my heart, a gift from the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is where true Godly change comes from. While I was in Iraq, during the ambush on September 12th, while being shot at and attacked, I felt peace. Explosions were going off around me, RPG’s flying all over, barely missing my truck, I felt peace. When the Mk-19 failed and my gunner had to use his M-16, with no cover, I was at peace. When it looked like we may be stopped, and if we stopped we’d be an easy target, I was at peace. This peace resembles what I feel today. Where does this peace come from? It’s either the Holy Spirit, or an angel by my side, or both. We know that God sends the angels to minister to believers. We also know that the Holy Spirit rests within the hearts of believers. How can I be at peace? No matter what I’m going through, I know God is still on His throne, and in control over my life. I just have to relinquish control to God. I need to let Him take the wheel and sit back and do what I’m commanded to do. My life, I must focus on God first. Then, I must take care of my family, and friends. I must do my blog, and podcast, because God has given me a platform to share the Gospel. So, what is the Gospel? 

The Gospel is the good news of Jesus Christ. The Gospel is we are sinners and we must recognize this. We must look to Jesus and believe. We must look to Jesus, believe, and obey his commandments. What is the first commandment? Mark 12:30-31 30 and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” We must recognize the need for a savior because our heart is wicked. Our souls are filthy, and there is nothing we can do to fix or change this. Jesus, is the only one capable of cleansing our hearts. We are sinners, and the wages of sin is death. Romans 6:23 “23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” We are not forced into this decision, and therefore, God sends no one to Hell. Our nature does that, and there are no repentant or sorrowful people in Hell. They continue to hate God, and like I have used in the past, they are like Anakin on the edge of the lava field, yelling at his friend, his brother, “I hate you”. We are wicked, and our nature is total depravity. We are born this way, and the proof is found within young children. We do not have to teach them to hit their parents. We do not have to teach them to lie about simple things. We do not have to teach them not to share. We can see the nature of a child is to be rebellious. As a prominent pastor once said, “vipers in diapers.” Our sin nature is on display in children, and we must teach them to tell the truth, to share, not to hit. We are blessed that God is merciful and does not cast down judgment right away for our transgressions. We are blessed that God’s love gives us a chance to believe in Jesus as savior. 

Growing up I found peace in God’s house. I went to a Catholic Church and while I now disagree with much of the Catholic church’s teaching today, I had a strong feeling about God, and feeling comfortable in the church, I often didn’t want to go home. Church was my safe space. I attended the adult sessions, and I found myself fascinated by Jesus, and I wanted to know everything I could. As I got older I drifted a little, but still held my faith in Jesus and God. I considered myself a good Christian, in fact for a while I called myself a good Catholic. In reality, I wasn’t, but at the time, I didn’t know that. When I returned to the US, I found myself going to an Episcopal church. I felt like I fit in at church. Within a year I moved to North Carolina and eventually found myself a small town Baptist church. In reality this small town church saved my life. My eternal soul was on the line, and what I was missing was actual biblical teaching. I couldn’t see it, but I had a head knowledge of Jesus, but not a heart knowledge. At the time I would have probably fit in with the Matthew 7 crowd, where Jesus says depart from me. I grew up with Catholic beliefs and it was works based. I completed my communion, I completed my confession, and I thought that meant I was good, and I was saved. Sadly, I believe many think this and may be eternally doomed because of it. Over time I learned it wasn’t about what I had done, but rather, it would be something the spirit does within me. I must have repented and believed in Jesus. Only then would the spirit change my heart from stone, a dead man, to a heart of flesh, a living man, reborn in Christ. It wasn’t that the Baptist church was superior, but it merely taught the Bible. It was never about the things I had done, it was always about my heart and where I placed my hope. I can remember the day. I was in crisis as my home was falling apart. I had continued to try and do things my own way, and I was never worried about asking God, or even doing it His way. It wasn’t till I had reached rock bottom in my life, that I realized I needed God. I didn’t just need Him for that particular Crisis, no, I needed God for everything I do in my life. I needed God’s forgiveness, His sovereignty, His grace, and Mercy. I needed to learn to be like Christ and the only way to do that was to surrender my life to Him. It was then, I found my path, and what God wanted me to do. I would preach and teach His word. I would dive in and stay swimming in the holy scripture. I would focus on God in my life in every aspect of it. Whatever you eat or drink, what ever you do, do for the glory of God. I found my purpose in this world, and it’s to praise the Lord, to worship the Lord, and to share His Holy Gospel every chance I get. Even though my life has been difficult, and especially difficult since 2016, my living in a tent full time, my needing open heart surgery, the loss of friends, I am more at peace than ever before in my life. My belief in Jesus isn’t just a blind belief, but one based on incontrovertible evidence. All the evidence points to Jesus Christ being who he said he was. No one, not one single person dies for what they know to be a lie. If it were a lie, and Jesus didn’t rise from the dead, one the few people who followed him would have stopped if he didn’t rise. Two, the people who followed him, would not have knowingly, and willingly died gruesome deaths. The miracles that came from Christ, and then those from his closest followers, would have been ousted as a lie, and Rome would have destroyed the movement. Because what Jesus did was true, and he was the Son of God, the long awaited messiah, the movement known as “the way” survived, and now thrives. Jesus fulfilled every prophecy and the odds of one man doing that is impossible, but because he is who he said he is, it’s truth. No one, not even his enemies refuted the miracles he performed. Only that he claimed to be God. And if he hadn’t performed the miracles, and claimed to be God they would not have been able to crucify him under the law, but because he is who he said he is, he indeed died on the cross, was buried, and indeed rose again, since his body was no longer in the tomb. For which, the Romans searched for, attempted to ascertain the truth. But, Jesus was gone, no longer buried in a cold, rock tomb, but risen. Christ would show himself risen to the world. He would make himself seen to over 500 people. No one could deny what they saw at the time. The once fearful apostles, that hid from everyone, stood bold in the town square and preached the name of Jesus to everyone. They were put in jail and still preached. They were beaten and still preached. One by one, they were murdered, and yet, they still preached. This does not happen, if Jesus died and they were lying the whole time. The risen Christ galvanized the 11 followers of Jesus, and then the rest to come. Jesus, the Lord of Lords, had risen, just as he predicted and promised he would. 

As my surgery approaches, it is this truth that has given me hope. I am a character living in God’s story. History, is His Story. I am just a character in His story, and my hope for my life is simply this, in all I do, do to please and glorify God. I just want to make my Abba proud of me. I cannot control tomorrow; all I can control is how I respond today. Let us go and keep our focus on God. Let us seek first the kingdom of God. Let us put our hope in the Lord Jesus, and have faith that He is with us. Even as he was with those three brave men in the fiery furnace, and he was with Daniel in the lions den, he is with us. As he was with David fighting a giant, and of course the promise from Jesus himself. I am with you always, even to the end of the age. We may not always like what approaches us, but in reality we don’t know the truth behind good and bad. Our perception of good and bad is based on the outward stimuli in our lives. Our sense of good and bad is based on how this stimuli affects us. We want to be happy, and we expect a certain sense of homeostasis. Anything that makes us uncomfortable, or anything that provides us pain. Anything that gives us grief, or goes against what we want in our life, we deem as bad. Is my needing heart surgery bad? While most would say, having a spouse have an affair is bad, but in reality, sometimes God uses such things to point us in a different path. Years later we often look back and what once was the worst thing that had every happened to us, became the best thing. God’s sovereignty, and omnipresence, and not just omnipresence, but that God is everywhere and every when. Whatever we’re going through God already knows the outcome. Does that not give you a sense of relief? The God of the universe cares about your well being, and because of that, you can go about your day free from worry about the details of your tomorrow. If tomorrow is already written, all we must do as Christians, is face tomorrow with an attitude that Abba has you in his hands, and we just respond with whatever would please God. We are free to enjoy the beauty of this world. We are free to experience God’s wonderful creation, and love people the way Christ loves us. We respond to hardships with joy, and peace. We respond to people with love and edification. We lift them up in prayer, we show them scripture, or we show them Christ depending if they are a believer or not. We must face the day with a knowledge of what scripture tells us, and we live our lives within the confines of the Word of God. Find peace in His name. Find comfort in God’s word. Find joy in the trials. Never give up and never quit. Never stop doing good. Never give in to the temptation of this world, but hold fast within the Armor, and be the Christian that puts a smile on Gods face, that makes him proud of you, so when the day comes, we will hear, “Well done my good and faithful one.” 

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