Tag: hurt

The Week My Heart Stopped

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The Week My Heart Stopped

First of, I’m a 40 year old male, with no history of heart problems. My story is one that highlights the power and sovereignty of God. I suppose to understand, one must venture to the beginning, as to fully grasp the situation. The details are an important part of the story. June 19th was the last day of VBS (Vacation Bible School) at church. One of the youth, and a kid I’ve known for many years approached me with a challenge, a foot race. Having a bad knee, and knowing I’m not supposed to run, it’s odd that I accepted his challenge to begin with. A few months prior I had found out I had a hernia on the right side of my groin. One more reason to say no, but I didn’t. Against what would have been better judgement, I said okay. The foot race commenced and I won. A victory over someone, someone so young, was short lived as the next day I was in the hospital. That hernia decided to bulge, leaving me unable to walk. When the doc came in to ‘fix’ it, I was grateful. The conversation ended with me going along with what turned out to be double ingroinal hernia surgery. Not one but two hernias. This would not take place till October however, so I had the rest of the summer to enjoy.

The hernia surgery came on the 28th of October. It was a quick surgery and a success. That is, till a single day later when the gas from the surgery migrated up to my right shoulder, causing significant pain. During the CT scan, something odd was seen, not of the gas but with my heart. My Aorta was not the right size. I was sitting in my room waiting for the doctors and when one came in, it would quickly become a whole ordeal. Several more doctors from different departments would grace my bedside. A plan was being formulated for priority open heart surgery. How did I go from hernia surgery to open heart surgery in a day? It turned out, that my aorta root was a bit larger than it should. Surgery threshold is 5.5 cm, but my root measured around 6.3. As it turned out, I had what is known as a ‘Bicuspid’ valve. When someone has this defect, their muscles, and ligaments can sometimes be super stretchy. Could this be the problem with my neck and my knee? Perhaps. Surgery would be set for Nov 22nd. Just less than a month later after hernia surgery. The amount of scans and tests I had to do in the meantime kept me very busy. Unfortunately I was not able to prepare everything for the heart surgery as I had attempted to do for the hernia surgery. Being the man of the house meant I did the heavy lifting. Planning for two months was not only expensive, but took a great deal of thought. Going into hernia surgery I felt prepared to be limited for a while. Going into heart surgery left me feeling wholly unprepared.

The 22nd came, and my nervousness showed in all my blood pressure tests. The morning was early, and I had once again found myself in surgery safety prep on the fourth floor of the VA hospital in Durham NC. Some familiar faces graced my bedside as I was shaved from my shoulders to my feet. I had already had to shave my beared the night before which was difficult, and I shaved my head as well, completely changing the way I looked just 24 hours prior. Long thin hair, and a long beard, now gone. Surgery prep seemed to go pretty quick this time. Before I knew it, most of my team was at my bedside for one final walkthrough of my case. The heart model I took for them to sign was signed, my last will and testament was submitted, and i was as ready as I could be.

Four hours was all the time the doc needed to replace my aorta root, the valve, and stem. A rock star of the aorta valve replacement world. A surgery that would normally take 8 hours he did in 4. That night they would start to wake me up, and I remember still having the ventilator tube down my throat. At first I was okay, but the longer they took to remove it, while I was awake, the more I began to panic. My mind said get it out, even though it was doing the breathing for me, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. The tube was removed, and my memory foggy. I remember family being at my bedside, and a friend. The meds I was on, quickly put me back to sleep, till I was awoken the next morning to walk. Having multiple chest tubes, and an external temporary pacemaker, It took everything I had to get out of bed. I gripped my heart pillow with all the minuscule strength I had. Finally they got me up, I walked, and then I was back to the chair. In reality, I don’t remember much except being silly with my friend who was there, and my supportive bride. The medication they had me on was pretty strong and kept me in a fairly high state. By Tuesday, it seemed there might be something wrong. My heart wasn’t responding to being woken up. Test after test showed my heart was not responding and not functioning on it’s own without the pacemaker. Wednesday came, and the test was a 12 lead EKG, while they turned off the pacemaker. Essentially, they needed to see what was wrong, and what my heart was doing.

Wednesday, five days after heart surgery. The room was cleared so no one would see what happened, at my request. The leads were attached, and the nurse held my hand. The EKG started. Then, the countdown began, 3…2…1… and the pacemaker was turned off. My eyes couldn’t stay open, as I lost consciousness. My heart stopped. The test only kept the pacer off for 3 seconds, but for those 3 seconds, my heart stopped, and I was aware of it. I could feel the lightheadedness, the lack of oxygen flowing through my body. I could feel my body giving up the fight to stay awake. Within moments, I regained semi consciousness, and a few moments later it was better, but tears flowed down my face. How could life had come to this? By Friday I was scheduled to have a pacemaker installed. I am only 40 years old, and I have an artificial heart valve, and a device keeping my heart pumping. How could life have come to this? The answer is simple really, and can be found in scripture.

As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

— John 9:1-3

This wasn’t something God was doing to me, but something God saved me from. After a talk with one of my surgeons, I would find that the valve could have failed at any time. The valve description used was ‘gnarly’. So, in reality, both the valve, and the root were ticking time bombs. The root could have dissected, split open at any time. My plans were to be in the Philippines for Christmas this year. Instead I found myself having this surgery. God, has been in the details all year. From the original finding of the hernia, to the foot race, forcing my hand for surgery, to the gas going into the chest, which was fairly uncommon, to the incidental finding of my aorta on a scan not looking specifically at my heart. These things are too many coincidences to be considered coincidences. If the universe were truly chaos and random, then the odds of this many events culminating in life saving surgery, would be unlikely. But, that’s not how an Almighty God works. God saved my life, again. While my recovery has been difficult, and having the pacemaker adds extra challenges, the truth is, I was given the gift of life for Christmas.

This revelation of God’s sovereignty and grace, does not take away the hardships of heart surgery. It doesn’t take away the emotions left behind in it’s wake. When your body feels foreign, and broken, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Yes, I am bored at home, and walking is a challenge because there is no place good to walk inside. Being too cold outside, has made recovery a challenge. Having to put my car in the shop the day after being released from the hospital, and having a $3000 dollar car repair, right before Christmas, has left me feeling a bit down. The Devil has thrown much at me since my time home from the hospital. It isn’t just the body that needs to heal after this kind of surgery, but the mind as well. I have found myself struggling needing help with everything I do. I have felt like a burden, a waist of time, weak. I have felt sorry for myself a time or too also. The struggle to do what is necessary for the recovery of mind and body is not one easily found where I live. I live too far from the local mall to walk. We have no recreation centers with indoor tracks. We have no large stores other than a small Walmart and a Lowe’s which neither sound appealing to walk. I have some ideas I may implement soon, money though is the question. I know the Lord provides all we need, I question if something is a need or a want.

I am slowly recovering physically, but I do believe the recovery is still a long ways away. God being in the details gives me hope that there is a reason for His saving my life yet again. The time bomb in my chest was diffused, and I now have time to do whatever the Lord wishes. Both the valve and the root could have given way at any moment, but God stopped me from going across the world, to have this surgery, and I know there has to be a reason. I don’t know why God gave me this pace maker, but this too is part of the Lords plan. I have said before, ‘all we can do with the time given to us is choose how we reply to each moment of our lives.’ We don’t have a say in what happens to us much of the time. We can’t change what people say or do in our lives, except try to live as Godly as possible. Living for Christ, and making decisions based on what we think would be pleasing to Him is truly all we can do.

It astounds me to think just a few weeks ago my entire chest was cracked open, exposed to the world. My heart was in the hands of a stranger. The gift of life this Christmas came at the hands of God. God didn’t have to give us warning something was wrong. God could have just taken me home. For whatever reason, God saw fit to save my earthly life, and here I am fighting the good fight for the Lord of Lords still. God works in mysterious ways for sure, and while I do not know why it is God has seen fit to save my life, yet again, I will continue to serve the best I can. Sometimes it’s hard to raise a hallelujah. Sometimes it’s all we can do do get out those words to praise a Holy God. Sometimes the world has done a number on us, and we’re down on our knees for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the voice of God through the noise of the world. Sometimes it’s a storm tossed ship, wrecked and ravaged by the nature of this world. It’s in these moments, that we must raise the hallelujah. It’s these times we must praise God even more, and turn to Him for guidance and peace. Sometimes it’s a hard fought hallelujah, but in the battle we know it doesn’t belong to us. We know that Jesus already won the battle. The mighty victory cry he cried on the cross, ‘tetelestai’, or it is finished. This single word is more than just it is finished, but rather, the contract is complete, the battle is completely won, the bill is completely paid for. This was used in business, the debt is fully paid, judgment in court, sentence fully served, and the battle is fully won. How great is it to know that Jesus won our battles. The battle today is not of my own, or your own. We bare the cross yes, but Jesus already won the battle. The story we are in is already complete and will one day end. We see the battle, but Jesus sees our victory. When we see the deep valley, Jesus sees the triumph at the end of the road. We must take our troubles, and sorrows to the one who can do something about it, our Lord, our Savior, Jesus the Christ. We fight not against flesh and blood but in the spiritual realm of our souls. The Devil may break our bodies, he may attack our stuff, but what remains behind is our souls. Prayer is often underutilized. We often forget we have the ability to talk directly to the sovereign of the universe. We will suffer in this world, this was promised. Being a Christian, being a member of ‘the way’ is not one for the faint of heart. Jesus told us in scripture, it would take everything we have. Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.” To pick up your cross meant to die to yourself. To do so publicly as the world would see you carry your cross. It meant to be ostracized by society. It meant to kill away your sins inside yourself daily. To give up your own pride, and your own selfish ambitions, to give your life to the Lord, and to do so publicly, unafraid. We are told the path to the Father is a narrow one, and many would rather chose or walk the wide path of destruction.

Life is going to be full of hardships, and despite those hardships, Jesus won our battle. Jesus fought the fight, and won. He defeated sin, and we have eternal hope. People want to talk about love is love, but true love is telling someone the truth. Jesus said he didn’t come to unite, but to divide us. The truth is, 2000 years ago, the Devil lost his fight when Christ became victorious over death. We have not seen the last of the war, but we know that Christ wins the war. People often think of Jesus as sweet baby Jesus, or hippy Jesus. The truth is, when Christ comes back, it will not be for earthly peace. When Jesus returns, it’ll be to bring righteous war upon the world that has rejected Him, in His perfect judgment for the sins of the world. We do not know the time of His return, but we are called to be ready for it. Jesus will return, sword in hand, and with the legions of Angels He commands, will fight to destroy the remaining evil in the world. The bowl judgments will pour out upon humanity, the trumpets will sound, and eventually God will reverse creation, wiping out all what we know, and He will rebuild. Jesus, the Lion of Judah, is not a hippy love is love Jesus. Jesus said, if you love me you will follow my commandments, so we are to love God’s commandments, and not just the ones we like. Is this life hard? It sure is, but we have a God who understands. We have a God that put on flesh to understand our sufferings. Count it all joy my brethren when you endure trials. Swords must be tempered in fire. Gold purified in the fiery furnace. Steel for everything we use is forged. Why would we be any different? Jesus told us the truth, that this life is hard. He loved us enough to show us the truth in His sacrifice. It would be easy if Jesus said, ‘you’re life would be a piece of cake’. That however wouldn’t be the truth. Some so called pastors say this, but it’s a lie from the Devil. We are soldiers, so let us soldier up, and get back into the fight. When the Devil starts shooting those arrows at you, cover behind the shield God gave you. Then when the time is right, spring forward, sword raised high, and push forward. We are soldiers on the battlefield, and it’s full of death, destruction, hardships, but we have the might of God, and the Angels on our side. Keep fighting, because inside you is a roaring lion. The spirit of God, the spirit of courage, bravery, and a spirit of hope, we are soldiers in this life. Fight on, and never quit. The truth of God is all around us, we just have to look around. We see His truth in the complexity of the plants, animals, our own bodies, the universe. We will emerge victorious, because Jesus is victorious.

God saved my life, and I know that I’ve been saved by the blood. I’ve been given life, and I will not let the Devil win. I will not let the demons whispering in my ear to quit, win. I will not stop preaching and teaching His mighty word. I will crawl if I have to, but I’ll keep going. My life is in God’s hands, and I was a soldier in this earthly life, I am a soldier for God, and my family I will keep my Armor tight, and show them, not my strength, but the strength God has given to me. I am saved, born again, washed by the water. Hallelujah to my Lord, this is a long hard fought Hallelujah. Let God have the Glory in my life. Why am I going through these hardships? So God would be glorified through it. Let us turn to God and show him the praise and worship, only He deserves. One day I will be recalled from this duty station. One day, the Lord will say my watch is over. One day Jesus will tell me, well done soldier, now rest. One day I will take up residence where I truly belong. One day, I will see what I’ve been fighting for this whole time. I long for that day, but for now, I will serve God faithfully here. I will fight for my family. I will be the spiritual head of my home. I will fight back against the Devil, I will resist with all my might, and protect my family. My service isn’t over yet, and God saving my life, not once, not twice, but three times or more, tells me He still has plans for me. Into the battle, He’s prepared my fingers for war. Let us pick up the shield, the sword, and let us go do some work. Fight the good fight soldiers of Christ, your not done yet.

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At Years End 2022

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The world isn’t a place for everyone. For some, the world is only paradise they will ever know. The price of darkness may never feel the need to attack you. See, this world can be like a prison. For some, they will stay inside their walls freely, never seeking to escape, never reaching for the open door. For others, the prison like those in the matrix, they can feel something is wrong with the world. “It is all around you, even in this very room. You can see it when you look out the window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.” (The Matrix) so many people are content eating their steak, and going about their day to day lives without care for the truth. People die young, cancer attacks a child, the wife has an affair and destroys everything. There is betrayal, and lies, and hardships beyond imagining. When was the last time you saw public outcry against Muslims, against their belief that homosexuality is a sin? Or that in Muslim countries there are strict laws against it. When was the last time you heard the outcry against Buddhism? Why is the world not attack other faith? I believe the answer is clear, why would Satan put time attacking something that isn’t true? Satan doesn’t see the others as a threat so there is no need to put his forces against falsehoods.

Sin does not need to be taught. Sin comes naturally in this world. We often cry out to God upset at the Father because of calamity that befalls us. How much of our struggle is of our own making? How much is caused by our own actions, our own lust of the selfishness and narcissistic behavior that lives in sin? When we are not walking with God we get mad at God for allowing disaster. Judgment comes in many ways to those who mock Gods commandments. When we are silent in our hearts about the sin that infiltrates and destroys our communities, judgment is imminent. We have spit in the face of God. We have turned our backs on His teachings. We have neglected his commands and commissions. Now as the world turns to darkness we cry out asking for salvation.

The path to destruction is wide and the way to salvation is narrow. The struggle in which we find ourselves can be seen as tests, or as a forge. In the military we train as we fight. We prepare for battle by simulating battle. We seek knowledge, and stamina by continually training. In a world clouded in darkness, those who wish to fight back, to stand firm against the enemy, must be forged into something new. You must be born again, for only those born again will enter the Kingdom of God. (John 3) If we are born again don’t we need to be trained for our new selves? Don’t we need to be taught and prepare for the obstacles we face in our new lives?

2022 was a rough year. From injuries, to illness, to setbacks in personal areas in my life, to kidney stones, to infections. After all the injuries and sickness, disappointment set in. On top of everything else, the longest run of depression i’ve ever had, had turned an already difficult year, into a battle of battles. What else would make for a truly awful year? Chronic pain. Chronic pain often brings forth and exasperates depression, fatigue, and of course pain. The hardships faced this year, for some would turn them a way from God. For me, it draws me near to Him. Does this mean, life isn’t full of frustration, or hardships of emotions. Of course this journey is hard, and full of emotions, but Jesus knows our difficulties. It’s precisely why the hope He offers is so much more important. What is it we fear? “Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. (Matthew 10:28)” In Jesus we not only find our hope, but our peace. “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. (John 14:27)”

Have I not seen Jesus in my life? Have I not felt his presence rest upon me as the enemy bared down to murder me? Have I not heard the voice of the Father, breathe new life into my lungs as life drifted away from my body? Faith, is an essential and interesting thing. What was it Jesus said to Thomas? “Jesus said to him, “Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed. (John 20:29)” I have seen, and I have believed. This does not make the journey less difficult, or even emotionally easier, but it does mean I have hope. It means there is rest at the end of this long race I run. Jesus overcame Sin, broke the chains that held us. We will have hardships, and trials, and even at times, we will be broken hearted. Faith in Jesus, and the path set before us is one many will endeavor to walk, but will fall away, run away, or stay away from. Jesus through the word, the Logos, has given us everything we need to traverse the difficult road ahead. We have his Word, the Helper (Holy Spirit) to be our guide. We do not travel alone but the brotherhood (sisterhood) of those who also follow the way. We have the testimony of those who walked before us and left us the eyewitness statements. We have the martyrs who gave up everything for the truth. We have our fellow believers who walk with us today. We have all the tools to manage through this struggle, and the Lord our God, prepares the called, he does not call the equipped. Blessed are the meek, the poor, the gentle, those who mourn, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, merciful, pure of heart, the peacemakers, the persecuted, and those insulted and persecuted because thy follow Christ. We must have faith in our path and lean not of our own understanding. We must trust the Father in the hardships we face. We must learn from our mistakes and be honest of our sinful actions and deeds. We must hold ourselves accountable and responsible to Gods law, not the law of Man which spits in the face of the Father. As darkness spreads and becomes all the more intense, allow Christ to shine through you ever more brightly. Snuff out the darkness, not of our own doing but that of the Lords work through us. We never know whom watches us, or the purpose of a thing, but we know, through Lord all things are possible. All hope resides in Him. For it is in Him miracles still happen. It is in Him, the lost see the light. It is in Him our actions may bring glory and honor to His name.

Let us lift up the Lord Jesus name and praise him in the storm. Let us worship Him in the rain, the sunshine, the coldest of nights, and the hottest of days. Be of good cheer and rejoice and sing Hallelujah, for even now Emanuel, Emanuel on the highest. Worry not about today, nor tomorrow. Trust in the Lord your God and fight the good fight, till He calls you home.

Good Thing God Loves Me

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Good thing God loves me.

I’ve spent quite a while praying about this, and I keep coming back to the same thought process. It’s something I’ve spent time praying over and I have come to realize, I’m blessed to have Gods grace and love. Scripture tells us we are dead in our sin. That means we are in a coffin and not drowning out at sea looking for a safety ring to be thrown to us. We don’t often like to think of ourselves as dead but in reality we are serving a life sentence. In the end comes our judgment, our sentence. Do we die, or live. See, justice was dealt and Jesus took the punishment for those who would seek him. For everyone else, well, the future doesn’t look so bright for them. The thing that I have struggled with is the works because of faith. Scripture tells us that we will be recognized as those who follow Christ by the fruit of our works. Not that we are saved in works, but the new creation in Christ we are compelled to do works in the name of Jesus. The thing that gets me is how fickle we humans are. Let me give you a scenario and I’ll let you decide. I will preface this by saying this is only one side of the story.

Here’s a young man, who meets a young lady. They fall in love and have a wonderful relationship. That relationship though romantically fades over time, the friendship lasts. The young boy goes into the military and becomes a man. Through the time spent serving he would buy the lady a car, pay off bills, and through the years be as close a friend as possible. Even so much as becoming a godfather to her first born.

Now, you would think or at least I would think, that would create a strong bond, and a desire to keep a friendship alive? Well, I was wrong.

This adds to a long line of people coming and going. The sad truth is we all fall short of the glory of God, but that doesn’t change the hurt. It isn’t that faith was placed in people, but more like the expectation that your car will start in the morning. Scripture tells us to never grow weary of doing good, but I say, sometimes that’s incredibly difficult to do. Love is one of those things that If we could truly do it, than we wouldn’t have conflict. Scripture tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. That being the case, If we truly loved we wouldn’t hurt people nearly as much. But alas we are lowly, wretched sinners. It’s hurtful to see people you care about leave. I’m not sure what’s worse knowing why someone leaves, or being ghosted. Sadly, as this event plays out over and over in my life, I’m left watching this rerun over and over again. It never gets easier. The one saving grace is where I am with my faith. I turn to the father in prayer and ask for their peace. Not knowing the why, all I can do is pray for them, and pray for healing. As I eluded to earlier, it’s hard not growing bitter. It’s even harder not to press these feelings onto new friendships. I don’t believe that eventually everyone leaves, I can’t, because truthfully that would be emotionally taxing, draining, and cruel.

I’m not sure why I’ve had so many people walk out of my life. I’m not sure if it’s me, or if I attract a certain type of person. Either way, all I can do is drop to my knees and pray about it. Pray for peace of mind, and a healing heart. I can’t and won’t lie and say I’m alright, but I can say I will be, perhaps someday. It’s one thing to say that I’m used to being hurt by people leaving, and the feeling of abandonment goes away, but that would not be true. While I am used to it, the pain doesn’t get any better. And it takes everything I have plus some to fight the urge to put up walls around my heart and mind, to protect myself from people. Why get close to people, or let anyone in, if they are just going to leave? It’s a valid question but one that cannot sit on my heart. I cannot place the sins of others, upon people I’ve never met before. It is not right to place a burden upon someone for the acts of another. Sadly people do this all the time.

I know I am a sinner, and I know I’m saved by grace through faith in Christ. Ultimately it’s love. The love of God that shines down on me, even though I don’t deserve it. I can only hope one day, I’ll find my life was worth something. My love language, one of them is affirmation. Something we don’t often get in our lives. This is a driving factor for me I’d say, that if I can arrive in Heaven, and find that my works in the name of Christ were pleasing, that the Father will one day look at me and say well done, that would make all of the pain worth while. My heart today is heavy. This I cannot deny. Peace is found in the love of Christ and that’s where I must turn.

WHO AM I?

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Who Am I? 

In retrospect I have often called myself something specific. I called myself a soldier, a Cavalry Scout, a husband, a security officer, a chaplain, but as one by one those things have faded away I have found myself asking ‘who am I’?  In retrospect I spent years defining myself since I left the military as one thing or another. As each position has faded into memory I have consistently found myself trying to reinvent myself over and over again. So, who am I now, truthfully I don’t really know. As tonight was my last night as a student seeking his undergraduate degree, it’s met with a bitter sweet night. 

While celebrating I reached out to someone, I thought would have been happy for me. I reached out to someone that, though there had been troubled times, I felt they would have been more enthusiastic and happy for me. I couldn’t have been further from the truth. In fact instead of congratulating me I was met with hostility, and hurtful words. I know I shouldn’t listen, but a part of me thinks I deserved it. So, what am I? 

Today, I see myself as a failed soldier, a failed husband, a failed chaplain, a failed security officer, and through all those failures I don’t know what I am today, except for broken. For years I knew there was something wrong, that something had gone awry. As I sit here listening to Christmas music, Silent Night by Lindsey Stirling I am reminded that Jesus the Son of God, born 2000 years ago came for the sinners, the saints, the wealthy, the poor, the healthy, and the dying. I realize that Jesus came for me. I am not a perfect man, and when I’ve made mistakes, I’ve tried to fix them. I have never intended to hurt someone, and I’ve never done so out of spite. Sadly, I have to admit I have been on the receiving end. 

Going forward I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m going to do. I don’t know where my path is, or what God has planned for me. A part of me wonders if what was said tonight is true, and if it is, I wonder if I should consider where that may take me. Christmas is coming and with it the new year. Can I wipe away all the wrongs this year and start fresh in 2020? I believe that with God nothing is impossible. I believe that God can break through the hardened of hearts. I believe that God can heal the brokenness of peoples hearts. I believe that God values someone who wants to redeem themselves. I believe that I am worth being redeemed. I believe I am valued if not by the person from earlier, then by Jesus. I believe there are people who value me. I believe there are people who love me and want me to succeed in this life. Who, am I? I don’t know, but I know I am a child of the King. Who am I? I’m royalty adopted by the blood of Christ to inherit an eternal Kingdom. I may not know my purpose in this life right now, and while my heart feels like it’s broken, and my feelings have been hurt, I trust in the healing power of Jesus. Who am I? I’m a broken man in need of fixing. I’m someone who has lived and survived through so much. I am a survivor and will continue to do so. I’m someone who’s experienced much hardships, much trauma and so much loss, but I am not a victim, I’m a survivor. I cannot loose faith in that love that Jesus gives to me. I may not know where I’m going but Jesus does. If I am to survive this, I need to trust Jesus and trust that he will take care of my tomorrow, my today, and he will guide me. No matter where I find myself “Psalm 23”, the river, the meadow, or the valley, I am protected by the Holy Spirt. I am loved and that’s who I am. 

The Past Hurts, Tomorrow The Green Grass Grows

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The Past Hurts, Tomorrow The Green Grass Grows 

The changes in life sometimes come quickly. It’s hard to sit back and accept the changes going from a river to a waterfall and falling over the edge. Scripture offers a wonderful passage, Psalm 91:4 (NKJV) 4 He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and [a]buckler.” In the recent days I have found need of this shelter. I have found need of God’s grace, to cover me, and protect me. I have found myself under the attack of spiritual warfare, and I have needed Holy protection. While I cannot, or nor should I go into specifics of what’s happened, what I can say is my life is forever changed. 

Deuteronomy 31:8 (ESV) “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” When I sit back and spend some time with the Lord, I find myself helpless in circumstances. While I don’t feel like my current situation is of my doing (exactly), I am helpless to change what is, so all I can do now is choose how to manage the changes I’m experiencing. 

What do we do when the world as we know it has been flipped upside down? As easy as it is to say, Romans 12:14-19  14 Wish good for those who harm you; wish them well and do not curse them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and be sad with those who are sad. 16 Live in peace with each other. Do not be proud, but make friends with those who seem unimportant. Do not think how smart you are. 17 If someone does wrong to you, do not pay him back by doing wrong to him. Try to do what everyone thinks is right. 18 Do your best to live in peace with everyone. 19 My friends, do not try to punish others when they wrong you, but wait for God to punish them with his anger. It is written: “I will punish those who do wrong; I will repay them,”[a] says the Lord.

We know that in life bad things will happen. We know that in life, we will face hardships, and we will face struggles, but we will always have God’s blessing every day. God gives us amazing grace filled opportunities, and sometimes those things come when we least expect it, and after the rain comes the rainbow. I think back to the life of Paul and look at everything he endured. When life is thrown into a tailspin, Paul often said that God’s Grace is sufficient. Paul also said in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NKJV) 18 “in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” No matter the storm, or the mountain top, the deepest or darkest valley, the calm babbling brook, no matter where you find yourself God is with you. 

As hard has this has been for me, I know that God will show me a new path. Facing these setbacks, these downfalls, and yet knowing that Jesus is the light of my world, that shines brightly, guiding me where I need to go. He will mark my path, and give me what I need to succeed. Much like the uncertainty of Moses, the questioning Gideon, and doubting Thomas who was there to see the works of Christ and yet doubted anyway, we all struggle. It’s not the struggle, it’s the growth of faith that comes from being knocked down. Strength is born out of weakness. Strength grows through pain. Romans 5:3-4 (NKJV) 3 “And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces [a]perseverance; 4 and perseverance, [b]character; and character, hope.” 

So when you are hurting. When you are lost. When you are left with confusion as to why something bad happened to you. When you feel you’ve been treated wrongly. When you feel the world is met with injustice. Just remember that people are all sinners. No matter the title someone may have, or the position they fill, everyone is subject to sin and we must remember that while it hurts, and you may go through the gambit of emotions, God is still on the throne. Jesus still loves you. Your true value comes from the Lord, and not what other people think of you. All we can do in this life is pray for those who trespass against us. Pray we are not led into our own temptation. Remember that the love of Christ is not always represented by the actions of others. God so loved the world for he gave us his only Son Jesus to die on the cross so we would have the possibility of eternal life with him. (John 3:16). When you feel like your world is fractured beyond repair, remember with Jesus, anything is possible.

Evidence Isn’t Fact

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Evidence Isn’t Fact

What is evidence? Evidence:“the available body of facts or information indicating whether a belief or proposition is true or valid.” While this is true, one must consider that in a crime scene everything is gathered as evidence, and it’s weeded through to determine what is part of the case, and what isn’t.

For many years I’ve looked at a series of situations and placed a verdict based on the evidence, however, recently a new perspective was given to those situations and it’s fundamentally changed my view that all these years, I may have been wrong. In the book Cold Case Christianity By, J Warner Wallace explains the need to be objective when looking at the evidence at a crime scene. He describes a homicide and the importance of having an objective mindset free of any preconceived dispositions. I was looking at only one piece of evidence and I wasn’t examining the big picture. While the one small piece of evidence alone could have given me the end conclusion, those facts with other facts however offer a different explanation of the events. How foolish I’ve been for so long, believing I was the total cause. I put so much weight on the fact that just because I was present in different situations that I was the cause for those things to happen. I believed my self worth was based on the outcome of these cumulative events. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I have spent years coming to a conclusion about myself, and while this new point of view is new, and exciting, change doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to retrain your brain to believe something. Overwriting the original code isn’t easy, but when you consider your brain being a computer, and you need to change an idea, or a behavior, you must first learn how to hack in to the brain, and then you must learn to write new code to overwrite the old. This isn’t easy, and it takes time, but if it’s important to you, you can do it.

When you need to know what truth is, if you’re questioning where you stand, and you’re not sure where you should stand, scripture is clear, Romans 8:31“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” God is always behind us, next to us, in front of us, protecting us and if we are listening guiding us to safety. We cannot stay in our pain or sorrow. We must not focus on the people that hurt us, or those who leave us. While it’s true, people may say things that are harmful, even walk away from a friendship because they are hurting, but all we can do is pray, try to realize it may not be at fault for their departure.

Having friends leave is absolutely heartbreaking, especially when there isn’t a clear reason. The pain felt as it feels that yet another person is abandoning what seemed to be a good relationship cannot be understated. While many may look at a departure as ‘their loss’ for me and my injuries over the years it’s harder for me to look at it that way because of the cumulative effect. Having to look back over the years and evaluate my part in failed friendships, relationships, marriages, I have to understand that that I may not be at fault in each instance. I need to understand that while there will be some culpability; it may not be more then 50%. The losses I’ve experienced just in the last seven days alone have been hurtful and have created a resurgence of a worthless stance of my self-esteem.

I’ve struggled a great deal with the wonder and question as to why so many have left. It’s been said that I feel more deeply than some, that I hold on tighter than others, and in that, I hurt so much more when people show I am not valued in their life. I turn to scripture for guidance and peace, and while wounds are fresh, it can be difficult to find comfort so quickly. But, as a faithful Christian, I know that God can heal, and help my soul, and mend my broken heart. Psalm 34:18 (NKJV)18 “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit.”  God is with me no matter the day, no matter the hour and it’s in His presence that peace will be given. 1 Chronicles 16:11 (ESV)“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!”

While I started writing about looking at the evidence as to why those have left my life, I was faced with that very thing in the writing of this post. I don’t know or understand why someone would leave when I thought my presence was actually wanted and appreciated in their life. I don’t believe I did anything harmful, or hurtful, or intrusive, but I cannot allow the actions of others to define who I am. I know I try to serve others by being there for them, by helping them, by being Godly counsel for them, and trying to be what I can to help. This help isn’t always wanted, and sometimes as I mentioned in yesterdays post https://thearrowpreacher.wordpress.com/2018/10/09/parasite/

Some people may come into your life and take all they can and leave when they’ve had their fill. This is an inevitable part of life as a counselor, pastor, or doctor. You won’t always be able to help everyone, you can’t always save everyone, and no everyone wants to be saved. All we can do is step back, and peal it off of our own hearts and give it up to God. This may be one of the hardest things to do as a Christian, and in a position where you are a giver and a protector to those in pain, hurting, and suffering. The evidence is, clear, and tallied, that sometimes you have done all you can and it wasn’t ever going to be enough because some things are just out of your control. A little boy left alone in a blood filled house, has no control over the actions of those around him. A girl who’s mother walked away and chose to have nothing to do with her daughter and the anger and resentment built over a lifetime, sometimes there’s nothing that little girl can do to fix anything when mom passes away unexpectedly. It hurts, and the pain and grief is very real. We all do things when we hurt, and sometimes we are just caught in the crossfire of life innocent and free from blame. Life up one another, and be there for one another. Don’t let time pass you by in anger because by the time you want to make amends, it may be too late. We may look at the evidence spread around us, but it takes a trained, unbiased eye to root out what is part of the incident, and what’s just there.

Go with God, and trust in God to see you through the darkest of storms. It’s hard to do, but seek Godly counsel, and friends who will help carry you through. God will always give us the tools we need to do any job, but we must look for them and put forth effort. No matter what happens, as time goes on, we will be faced with tough situations, and hard times, and it’s in those times when we are hurt we must forgive, and pray. We can’t allow the pain to build, along with the anger, to stay with us because it will affect every aspect of your lives, and mine as well. Walk in peace, and love, and forgiveness. Walk knowing we are forgiven for being sinners, as we will forgive others for sinning against us. We must ask for forgiveness for those we have wronged, and understand we aren’t always at fault for the things that happens to us. Don’t hold weight for things you aren’t responsible for, but be a Christian and take responsibility for what your actions have caused. Don’t get caught up in the past, and make sure you are looking at situations objectively.

 

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When Your Heart Hurts

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When Your Heart Hurts

Today’s blog post will be dedicated to a very lovely lady I have had the pleasure to get to know. She’s the most empathetic, and loving woman I’ve ever be blessed to know. No matter the hardships that befall you, turn to the Father and place your trust in Him. He gives us gifts and sometimes it’s in the most unusual circumstances, but God always works in mysterious ways. It’s not our place to question, it’s just our place to smile, say thank you, and Love Jesus for everything we have. God Bless Alice, you’re never ever alone.

 

We’ve all be there, broken hearted, torn, crying, lost and not sure where to turn. After my ex left I was broken, and I felt as if I’d never be whole again. There are days even now two years later when I wonder what more my heart can take, what more hurt can I  endure. I have watched a great many tragedies, and have seen the revolving door of new people in and out of my life. What I have learned is to be sure my foundation is solid. I have wanted nothing more then to find myself someone special, but as I have moved forward I have now realized there’s a reason I hadn’t found the right person. It wasn’t so much as the right person for me, it was the right person for the path I am now on. It’s funny how just a year ago I never imagined the path I’d be on now. I still find myself surprised at each new path God places me on. It’s funny, after my near death experience back in 2016 for a while I was at ease with everything that was going on in my life. I was calm, and I was sure that I was so unsure of the future, but it was completely okay because no matter where I was, God would be in control. As time passed I slowly began to feel the doubts creep in, and I began to feel the pull of regret, doubts, and despair flood my heart, and I found myself being crushed by the weight I couldn’t carry alone.

In the months and now years of recovery of the worst heartbreak I’ve ever had, I have found clarity of faith that I have never had. I have become a pawn moving my way up the board, and one day hope to become a knight. The road to becoming a knight is a perilous one, and not to be undertaken lightly. The closer you get to God, and as you become one of his strongest tools, so shall you be subjected to more attacks, more scrutiny, and a bigger target on your chest. When you are broken hearted, do not fear the pain, instead accept it, and grow from it. When you are lost, turn to God to be your compass. When you are hurting turn to God to wipe your tears away. When you are sad and depressed turn to God for healing and trust that the gray skies will part. We are all down on our knees at some point, but always remember that our trials are for many purposes. We often think that when we go through a trial it’s because of us, something we are to learn, and while that’s quite possibly true, it’s also possible that it’s our witness that’s on trial. How we respond to depression, and anger, and heartbreak is just as important as any other day. We have the opportunity to show others the love of Jesus Christ in our lives. While this may not change our fear, or the hurt we feel, we should always hold onto the hope for tomorrow. God has made each and ever one of us important and it’s in scripture we find a hope that washes away all tears, washes away all doubts, and builds us stronger tomorrow then we are today. Luke 12:7“7 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” We don’t often think about Christ’s love for us as an individual love, but the truth is Jesus would have sacrificed himself for even just one soul, but as God planned we are each, every single one of us, worthy in God’s eyes of saving. We are God’s people and our Father loves us unconditionally. We have a father that wants us to join Him in Heaven, and that wants us to know him. We have a father we can call Abba, and we know that no matter how much we hurt, how much we cry, how lost we feel, our Abba is never not with us.

It doesn’t matter if you suffer from depression, anxiety, heartbreak, or addiction, there’s always hope on the horizon. The first thing to know is God never leaves us. Second, is God will always provide a solution to the problem. God loves us, and God wants us to succeed even if there’s a hard lesson to be learned. God often gives us the tools we need to make it through our hardships. God also gives us help along the way. We may not expect the help to come from where it does, but we must verify by testing the apparent gifts, but if they are truly gifts from God, we must always appreciate them, and treasure them. I haven’t always been the best at doing this, and I feel if perhaps I would have done something differently I wouldn’t have ended up divorced, but regardless where the blame is to be placed, if any, I am on this path now because of that event putting this timeline in motion. Trust in God that even when we screw things up, or when the Devil intervenes, God is still working things out. All things in our life will be used to glorify God, the good, bad, even the ugly. Don’t fear tomorrow, instead focus on God today and ask how you can glorify God with whatever your going through. Never doubt yourself for you’re a child of the King. We all have limitations, physical, emotional, mental, but in our weaknesses, God grows our faith and we must turn to God and give all the glory. Embrace the gifts God has placed in your life to include and most importantly Jesus Christ. Be strong, be courageous, and be willing to take a chance by trusting in God the Father.

Snap, Crackle, What?

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Snap, Crackle, What?

Have you ever been in physical pain? I’m betting most of you have been at some point. Yesterday, I was at my physical therapy appointment and we were working on a spot of pain in my mid back. The likely suspect was a rib that wasn’t quite in place. It seems between a fractured rib, and a damaged lung, two years ago it may not have set quite right. It occurs to me that one of the things we rarely understand is why we are afflicted with physical ailments, and how those pains can be used to glorify God. When I think about the passion of Christ, I think about pain, suffering beyond anything I could ever imagine. I think about the flesh being torn from bone, the lacerations, the tearing of muscle, and how agonizing that must have been. I don’t think I would be able to endure that kind of pain. I think about the drive one must have had to go through that voluntarily. I don’t think I would volunteer for the pain I have right now. But the love Christ showed us, knowing he could have stopped at any time, is truly showing grace upon humanity. Romans 8:18“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” The suffering we have today is nothing compared to what we will have in Heaven IF we know God, and know our savior Jesus Christ. While our physical pain may be an inconvenience, I give you this, do not let it become a roadblock, merely a speed bump. Pain doesn’t mean the end, it simply means different. While I’ve never watched the movie, much to my shame, the movie Soul Surfer comes to mind. A young woman, an amazing surfer was attacked by a shark and lost part of her arm. Instead of letting that destroy her hopes and dreams, she rose up, and learned to surf with only one arm. I have a friend who loves to surf, he lost his leg in Iraq and he surfs regularly with his prosthesis. While there are days he hurts, he doesn’t let it stop him from doing what he loves.

It occurs to me that we have a choice when it comes to getting older. We can complain about our physical pains, or we can find a way to overcome them. We can choose whether or not to let that pain be the victor over us. While some pain may be debilitating, I believe even then we can somehow use that situation to still glorify God. The whole idea is knowing Christ suffered, and we will too. We aren’t going to live a perfect pain free life, but we should truly be honored to know that when we follow Christ we are going to share in eternal blessing. 1 Peter 2:21“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.” Knowing we follow in Christ’s steps is humbling. Knowing that we are given the opportunity to be with the King of the Universe and that we are loved so much that even though we are filthy sinners, that we will be made clean, that we will transform, and one day enter the gates of perfection for all eternity, is simply beautiful. The wonders of Heaven are far greater then our minds can comprehend, but when we think of it, we must grasp even a little so we may appreciate what we have here.

The pain we have now, is only for a little while in the scales of life eternal, so don’t loose hope. We know what awaits us, and we know that somehow the pain we have can be used to adore God, used to praise God, and we should never pass an opportunity to do so. There is a message to be shared in every situation if we take the time to examine scripture and our current condition and circumstance. Don’t loose hope, there is a better tomorrow ahead.

Bullies

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Bullies

Sometimes in life you will encounter a person in power and they will be more or less a bully. I’ve been in situations where I’ve had bosses or supervisors that no matter what I’ve done or tried to do, nothing was ever good enough. I think we’ve all encountered people in our professional lives that just made the work experience near unbearable. A friend recently told me, “you don’t quit jobs, you quit managers.” I had never thought of leaving a job like that before. When I put a little thought into it, I realize that most of the time when I have not liked a job, it turned out to be the boss that made it the worst.

The Devil is a bully. He will push you, lie to you, and attempt to break you. The Devil hates you for all that you are. Isn’t it wonderful though that we have a God that loves us for who we are? We never have to work for that love. We’re not judged with how much we work, or how many brownie points we can get. God is fully aware of what’s in our heart and our motives. It’s the love that matters.

When you encounter a bully in your life there are millions of ways people will tell you to handle them. In my own life I have heard the, ‘just ignore them.’ Advice. I have heard the, ‘make fun of yourself right along with the bully,’. I have heard ‘stand up for yourself, by any means necessary.’ While each one of these is very popular, I would suggest turning to the bible to find your true good advice Matthew 5:43-48“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers,[a] what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” We cannot allow ourselves to loose sight of God. We must not allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness. Anger, and hate lead to the dark side. We must stand firm. We must never loose control in anger. 2 Timothy 1:7“7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

It’s easy to get wrapped up in our anger and that anger can blind us to the path that’s best for us. That anger and rage that can bubble up from years of torment, or physiological torture, can be hard to control. We must never set out to find our own vengeance though. Violence always begets violence. We cannot expect to change the world by physical means. Romans 12:19-20 “19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it[a] to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” If your bully attacks you, ask if you can pray for them. If they attack you, ask if everything’s okay at home. Bullies often have misguided anger or rage. Do not hate the bully nor pass judgment upon them. We never know someone’s circumstances, and while it never excuses their actions, it may provide some incite. Generally, hurting people hurt others. We cannot allow ourselves to let our tormentors to breach our heart with hate. We must not allow hate to take route in our souls. 1 John 2:9 “Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness.”

We must stand firm on love. Let love be our war cry and in everything we do, and everything we experience trust in the Lord to save you, and pull you through. Psalm 18:3 I ” call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” We have to trust in the Lord to deliver us from evil. There will always be bullies for as long as there is anger and hate in this world. Bullies feel the need to be in power. Bullies feel the need to be in control and those in control often feel they have to force their subordinates into submission. Matthew 5:38-41“I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” The bullies we have will beat you and hurt you emotionally. They will continue to try to break you down and look forward to seeing you breaking.

We have all encountered these people in our lives. Many have experienced bullying in school, and some in the adult world. Those difficult people are everywhere and in our struggle we must pray to be delivered from the hands of the enemy. Psalm 82:4 “Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” No matter the trials that befall you, you get back up and never let your own worth reside by the hands of your enemies. We must remain strong, and trust that we are worth more then what others can make us feel. Proverbs 24:16“for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.” We must always get back up. We know that for every fall we rise in strength, and we can be stronger then before if we learn a lesion with each fall. Finally I will say do not attack your attacker. We must learn and I must reiterate the importance to not attack your attacker. I am not saying do not defend yourself in the event there is a physical altercation, but what I am saying is never attack out of anger. If you are being physically assaulted you should leave that situation and find help, or defend yourself and at the first chance remove yourself from your situation and again go find help. Stand firm in your faith and with love and compassion live your life. 1 Peter 3:8-9“8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.”

Tough Changes

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Tough Changes

Have you ever been in a situation where you dreaded to face changes? I recently experienced the need to change my cell phone case. It wasn’t allowing me to use the functions as they should have been and it became more of an inconvenience then the protection it added. I think tough changes are hard for many people to go through. Changes at your job can be tough, and stressful. Changing schools can be tough for many. Moving out of your parents house and getting your own place can be an incredibly hard change to go through. All of these things are easy or difficult depending on each individual person. While for each situation everyone’s reaction is drastically different, and while some love change, and others loath it, one of the biggest things to change is our actions.

A popular saying is “some people never change.” Another popular saying is “once a cheater, always a cheater.” While both of these are very popular, how true do you personally think these sayings are? From my personal experience I believe they are right on the money. I think the hardest thing we will ever do is change our personality to change our actions. I’ve always said humanity would never change without a major outside force. I always figured a global extinction event such as asteroid, or drought, or contagion would be the most likely just behind nuclear war. Alien invasion (less likely) could potentially bring humanity together to face a common enemy. That being said, most people do not change without something big, and life changing occurring within their life or someone very close to them. Cancer, or a near death accident has a way to change someone’s perspectives. While we often see a spiritual change in some during these times, it doesn’t always stick. The biggest change most will ever experience is the coming to the savior Jesus Christ. It’s the change in the heart that can change a man completely.

Romans 12:1-2“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” In the Lord we are born anew. In the Holy Spirit the soul is reborn in fire. When the Lord takes hold of our hearts, we cannot not be changed. We must push forward in the Lord and we must face that like the Phoenix, we are reborn in the burning fires of the Lord, and in our new selves we are compelled to repulse the desire of the sinful flesh. 2 Corinthians 5:17“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Change isn’t always easy, and even when you begin the following of the Lord, change isn’t always easy even after choosing the Lord. In our struggles though we should turn to our siblings in Christ and ask for them to help keep us accountable and true. We grow and we sprout from seeds in Christ and grow into a wonderful flower. The beauty in this world is only limited by our own stubborn selves. We often want to stay in our struggles because we are unwilling to change our own actions. We must change our lifestyles if we are ever expecting to change our own lives. I have watched my life grow and change in my financial walk with the Lord, my spiritual walk with my God, and even how I treat my friends. While life is full of tough challenges, changing our hearts to follow the Lord, and living in love, and denouncing hate shouldn’t be so hard, but the draw of sin is strong. Keep your faith, and keep your eyes on Jesus and always strive to change yourself to better please the Lord to what we see in scripture. Never give up hope on those around you who may be stuck in sin, and who don’t treat others with respect or love. It