Tag: fear

The Darkest Night 

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The Darkest Night 

I always knew this day would come. Nothing would prepare me for it though. The nightmare that awaited me, brought on by both time, and the corruption of this time, we call it sin. Many years ago, I adopted a tiny little pup, with big ears, big paws, and floppy ears. The shelter called her a shepherd mix. This little pup would grow up and she would become something much more than I ever thought possible. For the first two years of her life she would do basic puppy training. Over time, she began to display an aptitude for emotional empathy. Her natural inclination was to respond when my mood or anxiety became heightened. Could she be a service dog? Once her skill set was noticed, the training intensified and by the age of two she started light service dog work, by the age of 3 she became a full-fledged service dog, my service dog. The shelter called her Sweet Potato Pie, I called her Riley. Within a couple years as she grew in maturity, communication with her became seamless. She’d respond quickly, and she grew beyond my expectations. I could speak plainly to her, and she knew and understood what I said. Over the years we would grow closer together and would become inseparable. I would come to rely on her for my darkest hours, and daily tasks. She would wake me during nightmares. She would wake others if she couldn’t wake me. She was my battle buddy, my security, my companion, my closest and best friend. 

A couple months ago, a lump appeared on her front right shoulder. She had a tiny limp if she walked for a way. After an X-Ray it revealed it was a tumor. Whether it was malignant or not wouldn’t matter. She was too told for surgery to remove the entire limb. No, the tumor was a slow death sentence. Time is cruel. This sin filled world is full of darkness, and in reality, the only thing we can do about it, is live in the light of truth. What is truth? Who’s truth? Jesus Christ, is the way the truth and the life, and no one comes to the father except through Him. 14 years Riley was with me. 14 years we lived life in a symbiotic relationship. Every day I relied on Riley in my life. On Saturday the 27th of September my dear sweet Riley fell off the bed, she couldn’t get herself up. She flailed around as I tried to help her. In her flailing, her fear, she peed on the floor. She had never done that, because I never saw her scared like that before. How long would I let her suffer? Her ability to walk was diminishing, along with her ability to get onto the bed, and more importantly go up and down stairs. Time, it seemed, was just about up, and the bill that comes for us all, was about to be placed before me. As it was said in Dr. Strange, “The Bill Comes Due, Always.” 14 years was more time than I could have expected. I was incredibly blessed to have her in my life so long. She truly became a blessing in my life, and now, a day and a half after her passing, her presence is missed beyond words. I have felt as if a part of myself was missing. I have felt a heaviness and an emptiness I’ve never felt with anyone’s passing. I have lost a great deal in my life, but never has it felt like this. 

Service dog’s and their handler, their person, have a bond unlike most can fathom. People rarely rely on other people to that level. What happens when someone relies on another creature for nearly every aspect of their life? Riley would depend on me since of course she doesn’t have opposable thumbs. I would depend on her to help me live a normal life. She was not a pet, she wasn’t just a companion, she was so much more. Now, here I am alone, and I have to try and find how to live life without her. Perhaps it is death, that is the sweet release, especially for the believer, that believes Heaven is just a missed heart beat away. Having had major heart surgery recently, Riley was there during my recovery. I was in the hospital for a couple weeks, and when I got home should could barely contain herself. Less than a year later she would leave me. Death is easy, it’s the ones left behind that suffer. 

For many, they look for a savior, to shield them from the fires and wrath of Hell. While Jesus is most assuredly my savior, for me He is so much more. For me Jesus is Lord, He is King. He is the one who bore my punishment, He took my scars so in Heaven I have none. He bore the righteous wrath of God the Father, so I’d never have to taste the sting of eternal death. He bore my sentence so I could have a room in the Fathers house. Jesus is Lord first, and because Jesus is my Lord, I am saved. One day every tongue will confess He is Lord. I confess He is Lord already. One day there will be no more pain, no more tears. Even through a broken heart, I look to Jesus and praise His Holy name! There is no other God, no other way, no other name that can save. Jesus my Lord, my King, my Savior, you’re the Truth, the only way, the righteousness I could never be. Jesus, you are friend to those who weep, Jesus I give you my heart, my broken heart.

My closest companion may be gone, but I know that Jesus sits at the right hand of the Father and is the intercession on my behalf. I know the Holy Spirit is here to comfort me, the broken hearted. Life goes on as the world continues to turn. I may be in pain, but I cannot allow that broken heart to stop me from living life. I need to continue to face the trials of this life, and I need to lean on God’s strength, not my own. It is no doubt I hurt, but I must go on. Riley isn’t in pain any longer. She isn’t struggling to breathe, or walk. I miss her so deeply, and I hurt, but I can’t quit. I know that this world, and all of time is corrupted by sin, and one day this pain will be a thing of the past. I pray for those who are broken. I pray for those who find themselves having hate in their hearts. I pray for the spirit to come and create revival. I pray for the lost, they may come to know God, and seek a relationship with Him. 

Riley, I miss you. Rest well my dear. Your absence has broken my heart. I miss you so much. 

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Fear

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Fear is not something I’ve experienced much of in my later life. Today, I am afraid. As my life is about to change forever, fear fills my heart. It isn’t that I don’t have faith, or not enough faith, as a friends message pointed out so eloquently recently, but I am mostly human. That’s a cyborg joke since I now have a mechanical upgrade keeping my heart pacing. I have faced death and been shot at, blown up, jumped out of airplanes, and have moved across the world many times. My life, has not been an easy road, but my life longs for peace, and I’ve not had it since heart surgery. It’s amazing how much heart surgery forces us to face our mortality. It’s amazing to think that just a couple months ago, I nearly died. Our hearts are so tender at a funeral. The emotions right at the surface, like a live wire to be plucked by life. In a way, while no one has died recently in my life, death is not just the living body. I have in other ways, experienced loss, and grief. My dearly beloved cat has passed. My body has experienced a grave trauma. I am about to move to a new home after eight years. I feel as if I am not going to find peace any time soon in my life. In fact, simultaneously peace and not peace. While life is beyond stressful, and my plate is full, life is not of peace, but my heart knows the Lord. The Lord grants peace, we know this from scripture. We aren’t robots, or at least I’m not all robot. 

Paul is offering the Lords peace be upon the readers of his letter. 

Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!

— 2 Thessalonians 3:16

John notes the words of Jesus. 

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

— John 14:27

Our peace is found in the Lord. We face the worlds struggles, and while we do these things as faithful Christians, we know many faithful struggled. 

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.”

— 1 Kings 19:4

Elijah suffered long, David suffered, Peter suffered, and many, many more. The Christ’s church cannot be stopped by the gates of Hell. More important than any others, Jesus suffered for us. 

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

— 1 Peter 5:10

What is life but a vapor? A short while we are here, and in this life, Jesus promised hard times, but also promised that in those times, we would not be tempted more than any other person, 

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

— 1 Corinthians 10:13

Jesus is our way, Jesus is the way. Jesus shows us the escape. When we are suffering, and when we are struggling, Jesus is our God, who saves us, who removes our ledge of crimson, and makes it white as snow. May we repent of our sins, and Jesus makes straight our path. No one said the path would be easy, but we must ask if we are doing as He commands us. I am but a mere human, struggling to walk the path. I read, I study, I listen, and yet lo, I struggle.

For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

— Psalm 13:1-3

Jesus comforts us and is near to the broken hearted. Am I broken hearted? Yes. Do I struggle? Yes. My brokenness runs deep right now. In my prayers I ask God to grant me His peace. I ask God grants me serenity to let go of what I need to let go of, fix what i can fix, and in all ways accept God’s path, that I will not lean upon my own understanding. My heart breaks apart this day, but one day, it shall be made new and I shall see God. 

Having fear is human. When the Word says I have not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of courage, we really have to continue to grow. Sanctification is a process. We have to spend time in the word to grow in the spirit of Christ. I have spent years dealing with this topic. When I was in Iraq I was forced to face fear. After you face evil directly, fear is something that starts to fade. When I began growing in the Lord, my fear of death disappeared. When I consider fear, I consider that most if not all fears generally when you travel down the road of that fear, it ends with a fear of one’s own mortality. Once you can eliminate your fear of dying, many other fears will disappear. That being said, there are some fears, such as the fear of failure, fear of change, that must also be concurred. As I am faced with some of these fears, I am not accustomed to feeling fear. When I was facing heart surgery, I did not have a fear of dying, but rather, more concerned about what the surgery would do to my loved ones. While I do not have the same fear that many people do, my loved ones have a great fear of dying, and a fear of losing me. It’s this fear, that I have been cognoscente of. How can I, the man of the house, lift up those who remain in their fear? When I am afraid of the upcoming change in my life, that I will fail, and fall into hard times? I don’t have an answer, except to continue to grow in your walk with Christ. We must face our fears, and we do that by reading the Word of God. We study, we grow, we allow the word to change who we are. We must be ready to defend our faith, and we cannot do that if we are not growing in Christ. For some, maybe you haven’t accepted Christ yet. First, acknowledge you are a sinner. We are dead in our sins, not worthy of Heaven. We must see ourselves as sinners, and know that Jesus is the savior for our sins. He handed himself over, and laid down his life to reconcile the repentant sinner to God the Father. We must surrender to Christ, and know He is both Savior, and Lord. We must accept Him as our sacrifice for sins, and therefore, we must trust in faith, and obey His commandments. There is no sin so great that God cannot forgive. We do however need to feel that sorrow over sin, and truly repent of our sins. Jesus is worth your heart. Let us continue to grow in Him. 

May God grant me peace, and understanding, and love. God shows me His way. I pray for mercies as I navigate these troubled waters. May I step out of the boat, and trust in Him.

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

I’m 9 weeks out from heart surgery. A major open heart, valve replacement surgery, with an added pacemaker. Heartbreak comes to many, and it can look different when it does. I can remember my first heartbreak. Most people, it comes from their first love, for me, it came much earlier. Don’t get me wrong, I remember the heartbreak from my first love also. They aren’t the same. Scripture tells us Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” For many, and even for me, this response was once a hallow one. When I would be given scripture in response to my internal suffering, I was often annoyed, and frustrated. Sadly, during my first heart break, my true heart break, I watched as my home was crumbling before my very eyes. Not much different than now. During that event I didn’t have anyone giving me anything, not even a ray of hope, not one single iota of advice, not even scriptural advice. This lack of biblical, and for lack of a better term, ‘spiritual’ guidance, left me vulnerable to attack. When I was a kid, I was often seen as an outsider, and in reality, I was. There was always something about my life, something different from the other kids. Some kids are born into two parent homes, some into one, where one parent works hard, but is a loving, compassionate, and invested parent. For me, my situation was different. Heartbreak would be a feeling I’d experience on a regular basis.

Now, life is a series of disappointing events, one after another, that puts into place the most difficult of trust issues. Betrayal is a hard place to be. When a lifetime of hope comes crashing down, moving forward is something challenging. I look to God for my answers. Sadly, questions have come up in my life that haven’t gotten those answers. A single lie can do irrevocable damage. Not because forgiveness isn’t involved, but because a relationship is based on trust, and once it’s gone, it can take a long time to regain it, sometimes, trust is never earned again. How do we face life when it seems the world, or at least the world according to my own orbit, is flying apart? It’s hard to face life when nothing looks like it once was, when familiar is now so far removed from what it was just a few months ago. 

Faith, faith is one of those things that comes easy to some, difficult for others. For some people when heartbreak comes, it pushes someone to reject the god they think they know. In reality, for those who chose to walk the path of an apostate, faith was never something they truly had. No, in fact, I believe, since we cannot lose our salvation, those who walk away from God, do so because they never truly understood who God is. Many I’ve seen who graced the doors of the church and then walked away, did so when things didn’t go their way, or the way they wanted it too. Our lives are not our own. Our lives are dictated by a very real God. When we experience real hardships, and the devil attacks, we as people like to blame God for the troubles we experience. This isn’t new of course, this has been going on since the Jews left Egypt and immediately complained about their circumstances. After seeing what God could do, they did not trust Him with even the smallest of things, such as food and water. Today, we blame God for everything bad and good that happens to us. Truth is, we don’t need to blame God for what we experience, because, in reality, our very sin nature causes most of our problems. If we are truly honest, between the sin nature we have within us, and the devil attacking us, God wouldn’t need to bring forth bad things, even if that was who God is, but He’s not. 

My recent loses have taught me the need to turn to God, rather than away from. Relying on people can be detrimental sometimes. We put our hopes in people sometimes, and we shouldn’t. For years I continued to hope and pray someone in my life would be the person I always wanted them to be. Faith, is not easy sometimes, especially when the forge is hot, and we are put to the flame. What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to move? What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to grow? For those who follow God, no matter how badly someone may hurt us, that hurt can be used to point us in a different direction. In my life, have I become to sedimentary? God saved me for something. I have recently looked at my life and wondered what was it that God gave me the opportunity to survive for. Going through some of the worst experiences, after having major heart surgery, and after my heart being crushed by it’s own blood, I find myself questioning much about God’s plan. It’s that plan, I wonder what must I do. Faith is not blind when you believe in God, and trust and obey. Our faith is rewarded by God’s faithfulness to us. Even when we are not faithful ourselves, we are never alone. God is always with us, even when we stray. One of the hardest things we can do is chose to live. As I’ve said recently, dying is easy, living is hard. I mean that with every ounce of who I am. Lately the question, is why? As I wrote recently, why do I keep fighting? Love, love is always the answer. Why did Jesus fight the pain, the torture, the mockery, the wrath of the father? Love. Love is the reason we do much in our lives. Why does a soldier fall upon a grenade tossed in his foxhole? Love of the brothers next to him. Love makes people do a lot of incredibly brave things. Love, also can have the opposite effect and make people forsake friends, family, and do a lot of stupid things. Love is most definitely a strong emotion that can remove all rational thought from the brain. Throwing ones self upon a grenade to save the lives of others, while heroic, is almost certain death. Why is it love can send people down all kinds of different paths? Why can love move people to pick up, pack up, and leave their family members behind? Why can love (or at least love by name alone) move people to forsake marriages? Sadly the human mind, and emotions are complex, and to answer that truly, this would become a deep written psych paper. 

When I was growing up, the first girl I fell in love with, I would have done anything for her. I felt we had an amazing relationship. There were many of the foundations of an wonderful relationship. Then, one day, without warning, it ended. One by one in my life, I would love, none like the first, but different in their own way. Each love would fall, and it was in my mind, why be hostile just because the relationship ended. Why couldn’t two people, once in a relationship be friends? For some, this was not the case, and over the years, more and more people, more and more friends, more and more relationships, have died, and disappeared. The amount of people that have ghosted me in my life, people I deeply cared for, is staggering. Thinking about them often, and I wonder, why they left. I question why someone would leave when I offer so much of myself. I offer assistance, an ear, respect, love, truth, and much more, yet they leave. I am not a perfect man, but I have found, the type of love I have always offered in my life is that similar to what the Lord offers to us. A lesson I have learned is this, why do people, who have been given an amazing gift, still decide to turn and walk away from it? Even though God never forces anyone to love Him, people chose not to take His gift of eternal salvation, and they chose the path that takes them straight to Hell. Sometimes, no matter how nice the gift, people will still reject it. No matter how sincere my love was, people would still reject it. No matter how much I tried to put a relationship back together, people would still reject it. For a long time, I blamed myself. For a long time, I asked if it was me, that they were rejecting. The answer, is both yes, and no. Pride is an important factor in this equation. While, all of those people left me, and I am the common denominator to that equation, there is one other factor, pride. To this day, I don’t know why some I’ve been in relationships with have stayed my friend, while others have moved on with their lives, leaving me behind. We as prideful people look out for just ourselves. We don’t care the hurt we may cause others, or the damage done to them. How easy it is for some people to cut ties with another person, despite once sharing great feelings or supposed respect for them. It would be understandable if I were a mean, uncaring, unloving, selfish, abusive person, but as far as I am aware, that isn’t the case. When I wasn’t dating my ex, because she needed it, I bought her a car, and I looked for nothing in return. A different ex, I paid off her collage tuition. The same applied, I wanted nothing in return. All I wanted to do was share love, and help those I care about. What I have learned is, no matter how much you do for a person, how much you’re there for them, heartbreak is always a possibility. 

Even though heartbreak can happen to anyone, at any time, that doesn’t mean don’t share your heart. Even those closest to you may break your heart, you should still venture into love, because love is what we are called to do. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. We are called to love our wives as Christ loved and died for the church. We are called to love God with everything we are. We are called to love our enemies and treat them with a kind hand. How can we love, if all we do is look out for ourselves? How can we love if we are always thinking in our minds, ‘I’ll love as long as I’m treated nicely and with respect, and I’m happy.’ So often the moment we become unhappy, that switch in our brains that tells us we love someone, is turned off, and we begin to seek someone else to love. The moment the marriage gets hard often we see, especially today, couples crumble and fall apart. Love means very little in peoples lives today. We say it sure, in fact we over saturate the world with the word, but we don’t do what love is. We say it, but we don’t live it out. We say it, but we don’t let the true meaning sink into our hearts, and take root, allowing our lives to withstand the storms, without the love burning out. 

I’ve experienced true heartbreak in my life. I have experienced heartbreak in my childhood, my first girlfriend ripped out my heart and tapped danced on it for a while, and two ex-wives made sure my heart wasn’t just a little broken, but paid extra attention to maximizing the pain I would go through. We tend to hurt others most when we know deep down we are wrong. We tend to try to justify why we are doing what we are doing, and we turn the innocent into the problem, and then, that turns to bitterness, and vileness. We turn our own selfish desires into our truth, and anything that goes against that is a direct attack, and we then defend our own sinful, and selfish actions, no matter how badly it may hurt the loved ones around us. Yes, indeed, I have experienced heartbreak. 

As i wrote recently I fight for love. “I fight because of love. I fight because Jesus loved me enough to die for me on the cross. I endure hardships because Christ endured hardships. I take the beating because the Apostles, like Christ, took the beatings. I fight the war, because Paul said “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/31/why-do-you-keep-fighting/ I fight because I choose to fight. I was given a choice to have the surgery or not. I chose to endure the surgery, to keep me in the fight longer. Sure, I could have just waited it out, and let the heart fail, whenever it would have failed, but that’s not what I chose to do. Continue to fight, even though I have endured great heartbreak, and I am enduring great hardships, I know there are people around me who would not want me to leave. Loved ones that while I do believe they would be fine without me, wish for me to stay. So even though I have endured so much, I decide every day to stay, to continue the work the Lord has given me. I pray every day the Lord would allow me to create “Christs Cantina” and make a Star Wars themed Christian ‘coffee house style’ place, for both nerds and veterans to go, to hear about God’s word, and maybe try to do some community outreach to make our home a better place to be. Even though I feel current heartbreak, and struggles for the events that have occurred over the last few months, I know that God’s plan is perfect. Even if I don’t see His plan, I know that my heart will mend, and it will beat again. We cannot allow heartbreak to turn us into cold, bitter, resentful, angry people. We must overcome, and through the act of forgiveness allow ourselves to heal. We must be able to push through the pain, not ignoring it, but knowing that people are sinful, and sinful people will undoubtedly hurt others. Sin does not happen within a bubble, but rather, spreads out and affects everyone around us. Sin is the most destructive force on the planet, and we often as a society say it’s stuff like global warming, global cooling, or the lump sum of racism, hate speech, but in reality it’s sin. Sin destroys  more lives than any fire, any flood, anything else we can imagine. Our sin, our pride, our idols bring forth destruction on a scale that far surpasses any other disasters. Just the last year alone, I’ve seen several marriages fall to ruin. I’ve seen families destroyed. I’ve seen lies destroy trust, and I’ve seen pride damage relationships. 

One day, every knee shall bow, every tongue shall confess, and the Lord will purge the world of sin. One day a new heaven and a new earth shall be made, and in heaven there are no more tears, or sorrow. We are but a vapor in this life, and our God almighty is eternal. We cannot fathom the true nature of God, but I know that it’s not long, until my body will pass away, and to be absent from the body is to be with the Lord. I know when that day comes, I will be safe in my Fathers arms. I know that Jesus has given me many miracles in the recent months, and I know that I cannot waist them. Despite the struggles since I chose life on earth, and I chose not to go home just yet. The physical pain I feel that brings me to my knees, and the emotional pain I have endured, will not be the end of me. While the tears fall from my face, and the hardships feel more than I can bare, I remember these words from scripture, 1 Corinthians 10:13 “13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” I trust my Lord that my armor will hold. I trust my Lord that the shield I carry will protect me from all the arrows launched at me. I trust my Lord that the breastplate will guard my heart from the Devils schemes. I trust the Lord that my helmet will protect my mind from the lies and whispers of Satan. The Lord my God, Jesus Christ, will show me the path from this trial. Yes, my heart is in pieces, but the Lord is faithful. My heart crushed, my head down in sorrow. I know however the Lord is with me, and one day, I shall find peace. One day, I will have respite from the battle I’m in. Beyond this life though, one day I know I will reside in the kingdom of God, and I will never know pain again. One day, beyond this journey, lays a new state of being, one of perfection, with no more scars. As Casting Crowns said Scars In Heaven, “The only scars in heaven wont belong to me and you, the’ll be no such thing as broken.” The only scars in heaven will belong to our savior Jesus. Oh what a day that will be to be able to go home. What a day that’ll be to say goodbye to this lifelong trial. What a day that’ll be till Jesus welcomes me home after my marathon is over. What a day that’ll be when my broken heart is renewed and there will be no more pain. Till that day, I fight the fight. Till that day I’ll do my job, sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ. Till that day, I will continue to proclaim the one that saved my soul. I will continue to tell anyone I can the amazing miracles I’ve witnessed in recent days. Jesus is the way the, the truth, and the life, and no one gets to the father except by Him. (John 3:16) One must believe in Jesus Christ, and Obey his commandments. (John3:36). We must repent of our sins, turn from the world, and pick up our cross daily and follow Christ. Jesus told us in Matthew 4:17, to repent. We are all sinners, saved by grace, but we must accept Jesus, accept His word without adding our own interpretations, or ideals into scripture. Our opinion do not matter, and as I have often said, as one of my favorite quotes, “The Word of God is the anvil upon which the opinions of men are smashed.” (Charles Spurgeon) My opinion means nothing. The Word of God is everything. It destroys my idea of what life might be, by showing me the nature of my sin. It shows me the nature of man, and the trickery of the Devil. It shows me how to live a Godly life. It shows me how to resit the Devil. It shows me how to be a man of God, righteousness, holiness, and the depravity in which mankind lives. God’s word is the truth, I shall not devise my own ‘truth’ and allow sin to rule over me. The holy scripture of God, shows me what true strength is. It shows me how to be strong, yet meek. It shows me how to extend mercy to those who hurt me. It shows me how to bring peace to my home, even when the Devil steps inside. God’s word has changed me into a man who desires peace, to live in peace, to resit gossip, to stand up against injustice, but to live in the truth of the almighty God. We must stand firm on God’s word. We must not forsake one another in the trials of life, but come together in loving kindness in accordance to God’s word. 

Despite the hardships faced, and the heartbreak, life goes on. The darkness rises all around us, but a glimmering light shines to keep us reminded of the hope, that Christ is the light of the world. Even in the darkest of nights, the dawn always rises. The heart does heal, it just takes time. Scars often remain from hardships, but in our scars we learn, and we grow. Let us not allow our scars to leave behind the bitterness, and hatred that caused them to begin with. Let us seek to live life according to the wishes of our Lord God. 

Ashes to Ashes

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Ashes to Ashes

We often don’t think much about the draw of time on our bodies, or about time itself. I’ve been taking some time to think about what it was God said to Adam in the Garden of Eden just prior to his exile: 

By the sweat of your face

You will eat bread,

Till you return to the ground,

Because from it you were taken;

For you are dust,

And to dust you shall return.”

— Genesis 3:19

You must work, and work hard all the days of your life. You will eat the product of your work till your days end. This is the curse on which the human race is forced to live. Our lives are bound to the linear decay, a beginning, and an end of time. We face tomorrow with optimism, even though we have seen the perpetual onslaught of unanticipated trials and tribulations. While some people may plan for the future to have some struggles, it’s the reality that life will throw untold amount of struggles our way that we will never truly be able to plan for, or avoid. How do we handle life’s day to day struggles? We must face our lives with dignity and strength. How though is this done? When our struggle is the nature of time itself, we must understand our lives are truly only in the present. 

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, that it would worry for itself. Our lives are the moments in which we live. Sure, we can plan for tomorrow, but it’s the here and now, we must truly focus on. The little muscle in your mouth, what is said, how does it make others feel? What kinds of hurt does the tongue cause, and the damage does it do once those words are sent into the air. We cannot undo, nor can we live in the past. We often get stuck in a moment in time of the past. When I was a younger man, I experienced trauma, after trauma, after trauma, and in my own way, unbeknownst to those around me, I too remained trapped in moments of time. As a child, I learned how to use compartmentalization for every incident I faced. In a moment of weakness, a total loss of control, I faced my own mortality. A moment in time, when for a second, time seemed to stop. In that moment, the culmination of my failures tumbled down like castles built on sand, drowning in a tidal wave of regret, disappointment, and pictures of the trauma running through my mind. My world fell apart in a moment in time. But, since then, small moments have built upon one, and then another, and eventually life changed, and we rest upon today, this very moment where I am typing one word after another. I have survived trauma, after trauma, and several life changing events. I have overcome some pretty big obstacles as I have faced death head on, and God pulled me through, not myself. I do not have the power to beat death, but God has the power, that in me, He overcame the death of a soul, and as far as my physical body, God has seen fit to bring me through the brink of death, now many times over. A few weeks ago, my heart stopped as I lay in bed, aware the pacemaker would stop, and aware the inevitable outcome would likely be my heart stopping, and I would feel it slow, the world around me would fade, and black would surround me. The brink of death was upon me, and I had no control over it. When the time comes in our lives, the end of that verse will play out, from dust we came, from dust we shall return. God knows the date each of us will be conceived, and He knows the date we will draw our final breath. It’s this knowledge we must face the truth, there are only two things that truly matter in this life, our faith in Christ, and the people in our lives. 

On a regular basis we neglect the people in our lives by the things we say, the things we do, or more aptly, the things we don’t do. In reality, do we love others the way we should? Do we show that love to the people we care about? Do we show up when they need us the most? How do we spend our days, and what do we spend our days doing? What is it we focus on? What is it we put our time and effort into? These things often not only take our gaze off of our so called loved ones, but our Lord also. We have so little precious time with our loved ones, and yet we are derelict in our affections. Not only do we have sin in our lives against a Holy God, that sin goes out against those in our lives. Is the idol in our lives appointments? Is the idol in our lives, sports, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, or something else? We often fill our lives with stuff, and it’s that stuff that takes our focus from God, and the people in our lives. We let these many distractions of the world remove us from the lives of the people we once cared for. Days turn to weeks, turn to years, and we’ve all of a sudden lost track of people we once loved. The years creep in between, and before you know it, a car accident, an illness, something makes all the stuff we filled our lives with seem worthless and meaningless. How did we let so much time go by before we reached out? How did we let so much time go by before we told that person how we felt? How do we let that much time go by without talking to God? Time is not an ally, it’s an enemy. We can neither reason with it, or do anything to buy more of it. When time is up, it’s up. What did we do with the time that was given to us? Did we use it wisely, or did we waist it? Did we use the time God gave to us to glorify Him, and to share His gospel, to grow the kingdom? If we are evaluated on our time management, how well do we score? When sharing the love of Christ is the card in which we are judged. 

This is not a new perspective of mine, but rather one that has presented itself to me multiple times in my life. Having so many near death experiences tends to do that to a person. The difference now, rather than in my past, is in my past, I was the victim of hardships, rather than the survivor of hardships. My surviving, is not of my own doing, but the will of God. The will of God in my life is that He be glorified in my trials. Much like Steven, or Paul, Joseph, or Moses, praising God in the storm is how they got through it. Today, in this time, many people only praise God when life is good, but the moment something takes away that good feeling, God becomes the enemy. The reality is, we face a very real enemy in our lives, and it isn’t God. We are in a battle, just one we cannot see. All around us there’s a battle for our souls, and our lives. Demons roam this world sewing chaos, deception, and dissension among the mortal men. Angels go around nurturing those in need, bringing peace, and comfort, wisdom, and guidance. The war for our souls is won in Jesus Christ, because the end of time is already written, but today, here and now, we are still in the battle. Do we stand ready to fight in the here and now, or do we allow the world to dictate terms? Do we fight for what God told us to do, by loving one another thus fulfilling the Law? We are to love, and love takes effort. Love takes nurturing a baby fire, or a raging fire, but always tending to its needs. If the fire is left unattended, just like my fireplace, the fire will go out. Love takes action, and when we love the people in our lives, it takes action to show them love. How do we show up for them? Is it a text, or a call, a visit, or a card in the mail? With today’s technology, we have never been able to reach out to someone more easily to keep in touch, yet we have never been more distant from one another. Our own brilliance has been used as a tool by the Devil to separate us. Sadly, it worked. 

If heart surgery has taught me nothing else, it’s to cherish every moment. I myself am not afraid to die, in fact, in many ways, I long for it. That is not me wishing it would come today, but knowing what my tomorrow brings is something I long for. To have a glorified body, without the pain, without the tears, or the suffering of this world, but to live in paradise with the creator of the universe. The problem with death for a believer, is the hardships your absence brings to those who loved you and those you love. Sadly, I have seen it too often where the death of a friend is the catalyst that brings people together. It’s death that brings friends and family together who haven’t seen one another in years, who haven’t talked in that time. Death reminds us for a fleeting moment, that we haven’t talked in forever. Yet, in our day to day, we do nothing to change it. My wish for you is to look at your life and seek after those whom you love. Do not take time for granted because it isn’t your friend. Time slows, nor stops for anyone, and it bends it’s will to only our creator. What are you doing with the time given to you? One day we will return to the dust in which we were created. We cannot fight our expiration date. We may be able to extend life, or even push death back a little, but even those things are predestined by a Holy God. My open-heart surgery did not take God by surprise, and it is not lost on me that given this happened 30 years ago, I would likely have died. I was predestined to experience everything over the last few weeks, and how I handled them, do my actions highlight Christ, yes, or no? This is the biggest question I must answer for. Am I showing, and sharing love? Are people my focus, or is it other things? All these things I will answer for, along with my sins upon the day of judgment. Today is not the day I die, but perhaps, it’s the day I die to myself. Scripture tells us to die to one’s self, pick up thine cross and follow Christ. Carry that cross for all the world to see. Let the world know that you die to yourself, allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell inside you. Bringing your soul to life from the dead man/woman, you were. Being born again, and realizing the true bondage is that of sin, and that through sin, the world has a hold on you. The world tells you a load of lies, and we live according to them. What it means to be successful, to be beautiful, to be liked, or respected, but the biblical replies do not match with that of the world. Following Christ means we live different, we look different, we act different, we become different then the world. Our priorities change, and with that change, our relationships begin to change. Let us never forget why we are to love, and let us never forget what it means to love. Love is to lay down ones life for a friend. Love is to love like Christ loved and died for the church. Love is to be patient and kind, never jealous, never bragging or being arrogant. It never acts unbecomingly, and does not seek to lift up ones self, but lifting up others. It is not provoking, nor is it provoked. It does not keep track of the wrongs done, but washes away the wrong as our sins are washed away as if the slate was made new. Love, loves and rejoices in the truth, as it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Do we truly have the guile to say we love others like this? Many cannot say they truly love their own spouses like this. Yet, this is what we are called to do. This is how scripture defines love. This is the love we are called to love one another and our enemies, yet the smallest argument ends friendships. We face an enemy that is crafty like no other, and he wants to destroy you, to break you, to separate you, and ultimately, to devour your spirit, separating you from God. Satan uses time as his ally, and a weapon against humanity. While he cannot control time and space, he can entice us to forsake friends and family, and ignore our responsibilities. Sadly, we allow this to happen time and time again. 

I hope you read this and you find the time for old friends, and existing ones. I hope you find the time for your family, your spouse, your kids, but most importantly, that you find the time for God. My prayer is that you will seek God daily, and you give God the time He deserves. I pray you let go of worldly things that do little for your life, but does a lot to pull you away from important things. I’m not saying it isn’t okay to have hobbies like bowling, or fishing, hunting, or other things, but use those things to grow your relationships, or use those things to grow closer to God. While you’re fishing do you talk with God? While your bowling, do you share Jesus with your team, or the team next to you? While your kids are at soccer, do you let Jesus flow from your behavior? Let us use the time we have better. Let us continue to seek Jesus, and then share Jesus. Let us love others like we are truly called to love one another. Let us remember who the true enemy is, and focus on preparing for battle, because make no mistake, the next battle is right around the corner. Those who do not prepare, will be unequipped to handle it. We must be ready to fight, to hold fast, and know the word, so when the temptation comes, you can be ready with the word of God. Whole Armor of God, a soldier ready for the battle and never out of the fight. We fight till the day the Lord calls us home. Till that day comes, may God bless you, and may the Holy Spirit fill you, and let your cup fillith over.  

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Abba

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Abba

The days come and go, and while they do, all I can do is manage my actions in each instance. In my life as I have experienced one major trial after another, I have grown closer to God. I have no control over tomorrow, all I have control over is how I respond. Is the way I respond glorifying to God? Does how I respond bring pleasure to my Abba Father? When I face Christ at the judgment seat, I have no excuse to give. While I am preparing for the biggest surgery of my life, I have to face the truth up front. 

I have often looked back in the recent days, at my life. My days of military service has been on my mind. I look back at my injuries and wonder if they are the result of a gene that caused this bicuspid valve. My knee injury in 2005, was this a result in a weakened muscle group? What about the three hernias I’ve had; are they a result of this gene? While I will not likely get an answer to this, I know that regardless of the cause, I must handle and manage my emotions, my responses and actions, in the midst of these trials. 

I was told recently that my relentless positivity is enjoyed. I have not felt very positive recently due to the amount of tears I have shed. I have tried to maintain a positive outlook, and while I stumble, I am picking myself up. My emotions have been intense recently. As i get older I find myself more accepting of Gods plan. Tomorrow is already written, and I cannot alter God’s plan. Yes we have our free will as far as how we respond to stimuli. God gives power, God gives opportunity, God gives us choices. Do we take the fruit or not. Do we scream, or talk in a calm edifying voice? Because I am becoming more aware of myself, and where I fit in to this world, I find myself more at peace. 

Peace in life despite the absolute hardships I have endured, is not due to my own actions, but a change within my heart, a gift from the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is where true Godly change comes from. While I was in Iraq, during the ambush on September 12th, while being shot at and attacked, I felt peace. Explosions were going off around me, RPG’s flying all over, barely missing my truck, I felt peace. When the Mk-19 failed and my gunner had to use his M-16, with no cover, I was at peace. When it looked like we may be stopped, and if we stopped we’d be an easy target, I was at peace. This peace resembles what I feel today. Where does this peace come from? It’s either the Holy Spirit, or an angel by my side, or both. We know that God sends the angels to minister to believers. We also know that the Holy Spirit rests within the hearts of believers. How can I be at peace? No matter what I’m going through, I know God is still on His throne, and in control over my life. I just have to relinquish control to God. I need to let Him take the wheel and sit back and do what I’m commanded to do. My life, I must focus on God first. Then, I must take care of my family, and friends. I must do my blog, and podcast, because God has given me a platform to share the Gospel. So, what is the Gospel? 

The Gospel is the good news of Jesus Christ. The Gospel is we are sinners and we must recognize this. We must look to Jesus and believe. We must look to Jesus, believe, and obey his commandments. What is the first commandment? Mark 12:30-31 30 and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” We must recognize the need for a savior because our heart is wicked. Our souls are filthy, and there is nothing we can do to fix or change this. Jesus, is the only one capable of cleansing our hearts. We are sinners, and the wages of sin is death. Romans 6:23 “23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” We are not forced into this decision, and therefore, God sends no one to Hell. Our nature does that, and there are no repentant or sorrowful people in Hell. They continue to hate God, and like I have used in the past, they are like Anakin on the edge of the lava field, yelling at his friend, his brother, “I hate you”. We are wicked, and our nature is total depravity. We are born this way, and the proof is found within young children. We do not have to teach them to hit their parents. We do not have to teach them to lie about simple things. We do not have to teach them not to share. We can see the nature of a child is to be rebellious. As a prominent pastor once said, “vipers in diapers.” Our sin nature is on display in children, and we must teach them to tell the truth, to share, not to hit. We are blessed that God is merciful and does not cast down judgment right away for our transgressions. We are blessed that God’s love gives us a chance to believe in Jesus as savior. 

Growing up I found peace in God’s house. I went to a Catholic Church and while I now disagree with much of the Catholic church’s teaching today, I had a strong feeling about God, and feeling comfortable in the church, I often didn’t want to go home. Church was my safe space. I attended the adult sessions, and I found myself fascinated by Jesus, and I wanted to know everything I could. As I got older I drifted a little, but still held my faith in Jesus and God. I considered myself a good Christian, in fact for a while I called myself a good Catholic. In reality, I wasn’t, but at the time, I didn’t know that. When I returned to the US, I found myself going to an Episcopal church. I felt like I fit in at church. Within a year I moved to North Carolina and eventually found myself a small town Baptist church. In reality this small town church saved my life. My eternal soul was on the line, and what I was missing was actual biblical teaching. I couldn’t see it, but I had a head knowledge of Jesus, but not a heart knowledge. At the time I would have probably fit in with the Matthew 7 crowd, where Jesus says depart from me. I grew up with Catholic beliefs and it was works based. I completed my communion, I completed my confession, and I thought that meant I was good, and I was saved. Sadly, I believe many think this and may be eternally doomed because of it. Over time I learned it wasn’t about what I had done, but rather, it would be something the spirit does within me. I must have repented and believed in Jesus. Only then would the spirit change my heart from stone, a dead man, to a heart of flesh, a living man, reborn in Christ. It wasn’t that the Baptist church was superior, but it merely taught the Bible. It was never about the things I had done, it was always about my heart and where I placed my hope. I can remember the day. I was in crisis as my home was falling apart. I had continued to try and do things my own way, and I was never worried about asking God, or even doing it His way. It wasn’t till I had reached rock bottom in my life, that I realized I needed God. I didn’t just need Him for that particular Crisis, no, I needed God for everything I do in my life. I needed God’s forgiveness, His sovereignty, His grace, and Mercy. I needed to learn to be like Christ and the only way to do that was to surrender my life to Him. It was then, I found my path, and what God wanted me to do. I would preach and teach His word. I would dive in and stay swimming in the holy scripture. I would focus on God in my life in every aspect of it. Whatever you eat or drink, what ever you do, do for the glory of God. I found my purpose in this world, and it’s to praise the Lord, to worship the Lord, and to share His Holy Gospel every chance I get. Even though my life has been difficult, and especially difficult since 2016, my living in a tent full time, my needing open heart surgery, the loss of friends, I am more at peace than ever before in my life. My belief in Jesus isn’t just a blind belief, but one based on incontrovertible evidence. All the evidence points to Jesus Christ being who he said he was. No one, not one single person dies for what they know to be a lie. If it were a lie, and Jesus didn’t rise from the dead, one the few people who followed him would have stopped if he didn’t rise. Two, the people who followed him, would not have knowingly, and willingly died gruesome deaths. The miracles that came from Christ, and then those from his closest followers, would have been ousted as a lie, and Rome would have destroyed the movement. Because what Jesus did was true, and he was the Son of God, the long awaited messiah, the movement known as “the way” survived, and now thrives. Jesus fulfilled every prophecy and the odds of one man doing that is impossible, but because he is who he said he is, it’s truth. No one, not even his enemies refuted the miracles he performed. Only that he claimed to be God. And if he hadn’t performed the miracles, and claimed to be God they would not have been able to crucify him under the law, but because he is who he said he is, he indeed died on the cross, was buried, and indeed rose again, since his body was no longer in the tomb. For which, the Romans searched for, attempted to ascertain the truth. But, Jesus was gone, no longer buried in a cold, rock tomb, but risen. Christ would show himself risen to the world. He would make himself seen to over 500 people. No one could deny what they saw at the time. The once fearful apostles, that hid from everyone, stood bold in the town square and preached the name of Jesus to everyone. They were put in jail and still preached. They were beaten and still preached. One by one, they were murdered, and yet, they still preached. This does not happen, if Jesus died and they were lying the whole time. The risen Christ galvanized the 11 followers of Jesus, and then the rest to come. Jesus, the Lord of Lords, had risen, just as he predicted and promised he would. 

As my surgery approaches, it is this truth that has given me hope. I am a character living in God’s story. History, is His Story. I am just a character in His story, and my hope for my life is simply this, in all I do, do to please and glorify God. I just want to make my Abba proud of me. I cannot control tomorrow; all I can control is how I respond today. Let us go and keep our focus on God. Let us seek first the kingdom of God. Let us put our hope in the Lord Jesus, and have faith that He is with us. Even as he was with those three brave men in the fiery furnace, and he was with Daniel in the lions den, he is with us. As he was with David fighting a giant, and of course the promise from Jesus himself. I am with you always, even to the end of the age. We may not always like what approaches us, but in reality we don’t know the truth behind good and bad. Our perception of good and bad is based on the outward stimuli in our lives. Our sense of good and bad is based on how this stimuli affects us. We want to be happy, and we expect a certain sense of homeostasis. Anything that makes us uncomfortable, or anything that provides us pain. Anything that gives us grief, or goes against what we want in our life, we deem as bad. Is my needing heart surgery bad? While most would say, having a spouse have an affair is bad, but in reality, sometimes God uses such things to point us in a different path. Years later we often look back and what once was the worst thing that had every happened to us, became the best thing. God’s sovereignty, and omnipresence, and not just omnipresence, but that God is everywhere and every when. Whatever we’re going through God already knows the outcome. Does that not give you a sense of relief? The God of the universe cares about your well being, and because of that, you can go about your day free from worry about the details of your tomorrow. If tomorrow is already written, all we must do as Christians, is face tomorrow with an attitude that Abba has you in his hands, and we just respond with whatever would please God. We are free to enjoy the beauty of this world. We are free to experience God’s wonderful creation, and love people the way Christ loves us. We respond to hardships with joy, and peace. We respond to people with love and edification. We lift them up in prayer, we show them scripture, or we show them Christ depending if they are a believer or not. We must face the day with a knowledge of what scripture tells us, and we live our lives within the confines of the Word of God. Find peace in His name. Find comfort in God’s word. Find joy in the trials. Never give up and never quit. Never stop doing good. Never give in to the temptation of this world, but hold fast within the Armor, and be the Christian that puts a smile on Gods face, that makes him proud of you, so when the day comes, we will hear, “Well done my good and faithful one.” 

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At Years End 2022

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The world isn’t a place for everyone. For some, the world is only paradise they will ever know. The price of darkness may never feel the need to attack you. See, this world can be like a prison. For some, they will stay inside their walls freely, never seeking to escape, never reaching for the open door. For others, the prison like those in the matrix, they can feel something is wrong with the world. “It is all around you, even in this very room. You can see it when you look out the window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.” (The Matrix) so many people are content eating their steak, and going about their day to day lives without care for the truth. People die young, cancer attacks a child, the wife has an affair and destroys everything. There is betrayal, and lies, and hardships beyond imagining. When was the last time you saw public outcry against Muslims, against their belief that homosexuality is a sin? Or that in Muslim countries there are strict laws against it. When was the last time you heard the outcry against Buddhism? Why is the world not attack other faith? I believe the answer is clear, why would Satan put time attacking something that isn’t true? Satan doesn’t see the others as a threat so there is no need to put his forces against falsehoods.

Sin does not need to be taught. Sin comes naturally in this world. We often cry out to God upset at the Father because of calamity that befalls us. How much of our struggle is of our own making? How much is caused by our own actions, our own lust of the selfishness and narcissistic behavior that lives in sin? When we are not walking with God we get mad at God for allowing disaster. Judgment comes in many ways to those who mock Gods commandments. When we are silent in our hearts about the sin that infiltrates and destroys our communities, judgment is imminent. We have spit in the face of God. We have turned our backs on His teachings. We have neglected his commands and commissions. Now as the world turns to darkness we cry out asking for salvation.

The path to destruction is wide and the way to salvation is narrow. The struggle in which we find ourselves can be seen as tests, or as a forge. In the military we train as we fight. We prepare for battle by simulating battle. We seek knowledge, and stamina by continually training. In a world clouded in darkness, those who wish to fight back, to stand firm against the enemy, must be forged into something new. You must be born again, for only those born again will enter the Kingdom of God. (John 3) If we are born again don’t we need to be trained for our new selves? Don’t we need to be taught and prepare for the obstacles we face in our new lives?

2022 was a rough year. From injuries, to illness, to setbacks in personal areas in my life, to kidney stones, to infections. After all the injuries and sickness, disappointment set in. On top of everything else, the longest run of depression i’ve ever had, had turned an already difficult year, into a battle of battles. What else would make for a truly awful year? Chronic pain. Chronic pain often brings forth and exasperates depression, fatigue, and of course pain. The hardships faced this year, for some would turn them a way from God. For me, it draws me near to Him. Does this mean, life isn’t full of frustration, or hardships of emotions. Of course this journey is hard, and full of emotions, but Jesus knows our difficulties. It’s precisely why the hope He offers is so much more important. What is it we fear? “Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. (Matthew 10:28)” In Jesus we not only find our hope, but our peace. “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. (John 14:27)”

Have I not seen Jesus in my life? Have I not felt his presence rest upon me as the enemy bared down to murder me? Have I not heard the voice of the Father, breathe new life into my lungs as life drifted away from my body? Faith, is an essential and interesting thing. What was it Jesus said to Thomas? “Jesus said to him, “Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed. (John 20:29)” I have seen, and I have believed. This does not make the journey less difficult, or even emotionally easier, but it does mean I have hope. It means there is rest at the end of this long race I run. Jesus overcame Sin, broke the chains that held us. We will have hardships, and trials, and even at times, we will be broken hearted. Faith in Jesus, and the path set before us is one many will endeavor to walk, but will fall away, run away, or stay away from. Jesus through the word, the Logos, has given us everything we need to traverse the difficult road ahead. We have his Word, the Helper (Holy Spirit) to be our guide. We do not travel alone but the brotherhood (sisterhood) of those who also follow the way. We have the testimony of those who walked before us and left us the eyewitness statements. We have the martyrs who gave up everything for the truth. We have our fellow believers who walk with us today. We have all the tools to manage through this struggle, and the Lord our God, prepares the called, he does not call the equipped. Blessed are the meek, the poor, the gentle, those who mourn, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, merciful, pure of heart, the peacemakers, the persecuted, and those insulted and persecuted because thy follow Christ. We must have faith in our path and lean not of our own understanding. We must trust the Father in the hardships we face. We must learn from our mistakes and be honest of our sinful actions and deeds. We must hold ourselves accountable and responsible to Gods law, not the law of Man which spits in the face of the Father. As darkness spreads and becomes all the more intense, allow Christ to shine through you ever more brightly. Snuff out the darkness, not of our own doing but that of the Lords work through us. We never know whom watches us, or the purpose of a thing, but we know, through Lord all things are possible. All hope resides in Him. For it is in Him miracles still happen. It is in Him, the lost see the light. It is in Him our actions may bring glory and honor to His name.

Let us lift up the Lord Jesus name and praise him in the storm. Let us worship Him in the rain, the sunshine, the coldest of nights, and the hottest of days. Be of good cheer and rejoice and sing Hallelujah, for even now Emanuel, Emanuel on the highest. Worry not about today, nor tomorrow. Trust in the Lord your God and fight the good fight, till He calls you home.

Silence Shattered

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The silence shattered by the sound of silence. The raindrops of thoughts and feelings hitting the tin roof inside your mind. The quiet shattered with no peace. The lost, the pull of the world, teasing and tempting medicine. What makes the pain go away? What makes the cold bearable? The eyes that burn with what the world offers. How can one fight? How can one turn their backs on so much? The sounds of the self medicated ? The sounds of the drugs that pull at your veins. The sounds of your tongue craving the drink. How do we turn from the cold loneliness of the empty bed? Just one night of lust, just one night of puffs. Just one jacket from the store, just one more hand of cards, just one more. The lies planted in the brain, still remains, within the sounds of lies. In the cold and damp, the shiver in the night.

Do you not know the lies grows, the cancer spreads, it cannot be contained. The hurt, the pain, the suffering we self medicate turns to rot we leave inside us. The darkness, a cancer grows.

I am dead in my darkness. I am dead with no hope. The darkness spreads suffocating me. The waves crashing over me. The hope is gone, the solitude inside my mind filled by voices, the world calling at my cravings. The screams bellow inside my mind suffocated, the air taken from my lungs. On the outside calm and cool, who would know? Who’s gonna know the turmoil inside? Fear, doubt, disbelief, weights that hold. What if there is no God, or Jesus? What if this is all there is? I don’t need that God, the god of rules. I don’t need anyone. I walk alone, I need no one.

The serpent whispers the lies, the temptation seems like good fruit to eat. The waves crash upon me, lie after lie. Worse the lies I tell myself. I cannot swim, I cannot feel, I cannot see my way out.

So many lost in their sins. So many lost in doubts and the path they walk. How can we escape? How can we find a better way? Jesus. Jesus is not just a way of life but the only way to the father. Jesus is the replacement who took our punishment for our imperfect sinful nature. He gave up his life for us. He paid the ransom for our souls. The whole inside our hearts we try to fill, the pain we have, the hopelessness we feel, Jesus heals. We need not walk alone if we let Jesus in. We can have hope, and we can have the one true light, to shine upon the monsters inside. We need not suffer for nothing, but rather allow Jesus in to make us better, to show us a different way, a better way not within the sick and diseased darkness of this world. Jesus, the only way to the father, the path to our father in Heaven, rather than the prince of darkness. The struggles are real, the pain of sin is real, but there is real hope. Jesus, the friend of sinners, the light of the world, the great physician, the perpetuation of our wretchedness. Let go of the fear, doubts, and disbelief for the truth of Christ. Trade pain for hope. Hate for love. Anguish, for peace.

The Journeyman

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The Journeyman 

I don’t know exactly where I am, or where I am going. As I have been reflecting on my life, I find myself stumbling. The road has been long, and now that the high of graduating is wearing off, the holidays are here, and I guess you could say I have the holiday blues. Do we trust ourselves? Do we trust how we feel? Is what we feel the truth, or is it a momentary stumbling block? 

I think Christianity is a journey and on that journey someone discovers many truths. I’m not referring to the truth of Christ being the one and only way to the Father, but rather the truths that stream from the ebb and flow of who we are. Our selves are determined by the cells and genes that make up the physical aspects, but the environment shapes our minds. On this journey I have fallen down, and as of late, the depressive struggle has been very real for me. The days have come and gone since the many years ago I started down this road. In all reality I have looked to the world for answers, I have looked to scripture for answers, and still I find myself seeking something, and I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. There’s something to be said for not knowing who you are. When you don’t know who you are that means you can be molded. So many years ago I looked into the mirror and I didn’t know who I was. Many years ago I wrote a paper and I recalled writing this “You’re not worth anything. Why do you even get up in the morning?” (Fateful Night). I truly believed I wasn’t worth anything, and in all this time I have wondered who am I? I am the clay and Jesus is the potter. If Jesus is that interested in me, then I must be someone. Jesus has the whole universe at his disposal and billions of people, trillions of lifeforms, and out of all of that, Jesus loves and is still working on me. Head knowledge and heart knowledge don’t always talk to one another in the most reasonable of ways. 

There’s so much in life that is complicated, and yet, simple at the same time. I’ve been looking for my place in the world since my wife left me three years ago. I’ve been trying to figure out what it was God was calling me to do. Over the years I’ve had my ups and downs, but I know that God is working with me. Is my place to help others? IS my place to preach the good word to others? Is my place to help others find their path? Is my place being a photographer, a writer, both? Is my place counseling other people? 

If you’ve wondered where your place is in this world, have no fear, Jesus is near. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall [a]direct your paths.” 

While I have no idea where God is leading me I know that the Lord will direct my path. Sometimes the path is long, because it takes time to make our courage strong. (hard love) 

Psalm 37:23-24 “The steps of a good man are [a]ordered by the Lord,

And He delights in his way. 24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;

For the Lord upholds him with His hand.” 

Just because we don’t know the destination doesn’t mean we need to know right now. Just because we might seem lost, doesn’t mean we have anything to fear. We should not fear the destination, or the journey. Scripture teaches us that we are not given a spirit of fear, but one of hope and courage. 

Isaiah 41:10 NKJV “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” 

2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) 7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 

In this journey we will face trials, we face hardships, and sometimes we face a measure of uncertainty, but in every day, we know that we have a place to send our fearful thoughts. 

Psalm 56:3 (NKJV) 3 “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.” 

Who am I? I’m a child of the King, I am wonderfully made and I know that in my times of fear, I know where I can put it. It’s okay to not know where we are headed, but we should not be afraid of the journey. This is a long journey, one with many ups and downs, and even when the storms come, shelter under the wings of the Angels. 

Who am I supposed to be, and what am I supposed to do? I think perhaps I am a hiker, and instead of worrying about the destination, I spend some time to take a look around where I’m at and enjoy the scenery right here where I am. What about you? Where are you, where are you going, and who do you want to be? Enjoy the adventure of life, and try not to stress over the things we can’t control, which is just about everything. Control what you can, let go of the rest, and enjoy the ride. 

My Heart Breaks

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My Heart Breaks

The sadness overwhelms me as the Nation is yet again divided in a major question over life. As the abortion question is brought up yet again in our country, the time I guess has come to draw a line in the sand and hold fast. I find it hard to understand how once a heartbeat is detected someone could not view that as a life. I find it hard to understand how a person who kills a pregnant women can be charged with a double homicide, but a choice of a women is not homicide. I find it hard to understand how a life can be terminated in the 7th, 8th, or 9thmonth, but a woman cannot ‘throw her baby into a river’ (recent news) is a crime but not the prior. I don’t understand how we scientifically judge life yet once life is detected we can choose out of convenience to terminate that life, that living thing to prevent it from ever growing into a person. How are we to consider ourselves evolved and leaders of the free world if we don’t accept what is or is not life? As I found myself scrolling through Facebook, I ran across one post after another chastising states that have chosen to ban abortions. 

Scripture is very clear what is life, and I have failed to understand how we justify the concept of murder in this country. The concept that whatever happens within a body is not something I understand. Recently in the news a mother who had given birth not long ago threw her baby into a river. The baby was saved, and the mother is facing court and medical mental health exams. How can a baby outside of the womb be a person, but a person, a baby that can be viable in the womb at six months isn’t. How can a mother kill a baby because she doesn’t want it, but a person can kill a pregnant women and be charged with a double homicide? How can we judge life by a heartbeat, but we can end one without provocation. 

If a mother has birth and places her newborn in a dumpster and leaves it for dead, they are charged with murder, but in the 9thmonth when a child is just as viable a choice is a choice and yet, I believe we are overlooking the most important aspect of all, being responsible to begin with to avoid pregnancy. 

Americans pay millions if not more to help subsidize Planned Parenthood to help women get contraceptives. While of course scripture says not to have sex before marriage, understanding that may not always happen, being safe and responsible is something we aren’t talking about. Condoms, all manner of birth control pills, inserts, etc. More often then not, abortion isn’t a matter of rape or incest. I have heard that it’s better to abort a pregnancy then to allow an unwanted child to wade through the murky waters of foster care. Or about the kids who live in extreme poverty, that some believe it’s better to prevent that kind of life from happening. 

I don’t understand how anyone can say this is a church and state issue, or a man telling a women what to do with her body. We are talking about a human life and we are saying that life isn’t worth anything. How can we charge anyone with a double homicide, but a women is praised for making a hard choice. Psalm 127:3“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.”Scripture refers to murder in the 10 commandments. Murder of someone innocent in cold blood. An unborn baby who is alive as a heartbeat beats, we judge life by the beating of that heart. We judge death by the heart that stops beating. Have we become so progressive we feel nothing for the life of babies? We care more about the rights of animals then the life of unborn children. 

It truly breaks my heart to see how loose we’ve gotten in on our moral path. I am thankful for all those who’ve chosen to adopt children, and that even parents who can’t take care of a child trying to give that child the best chance at life. I am blessed to have had many family members who were adopted. I’m blessed that the women in my life, a dear sweet lady was also adopted. Psalm 139:13-14 (NKJV) 13 “For You formed my inward parts; You [a]covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, for [b]I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.”

It truly breaks my heart to think about all the babies that haven’t been born. On the flip side, it also breaks my heart all those kids who’ve gone without a loving home. There are so many families in need, it’s important we as the church find ways to support families in need. I am proud of my church for the missions they do to help mothers in need, mothers to be, families in need, and widows in need. I am proud of the giving nature and responsible Christians I call my family. It isn’t our place to try and predict the future. It’s not our place to say it’s better to not live then to be raised in poverty, or in a loveless home. We see people living like Dave Pelzer who grew up and broke through the life he was given. We aren’t god’s and many people raised in poverty grow up to be great, and to do great things. We are to cherish life, not destroy it, and not snuff it out before it has the chance to do great things. 

Feel Better

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Feel Better

How do you make yourself feel better when you’re feeling blue? For me, especially lately, I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping. Small stuff mostly, but even little stuff adds up. Usually I would build a Lego set, but since running out of viable space, and not having an abundance of time, Lego has been put on the back burner for now. How do we handle stress in our lives? How do we face another day when stress and life build up? For that, I turn to Psalm 23

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

The verse starts off with I shall not what. This shows being content with what he had. David writes this with an understanding that God’s grace and presence is enough to sustain him. Paul writes a similar passage in Philippians 4:11“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content” Have we learned to not be so ridged in our life? Have we learned to stop worrying about tomorrow and focus on today? When Paul was in prison he was often found singing praises to God. Prison was dirty, dark, and inhospitable and yet here he is singing praises to God. Before finding Christ Paul knew nothing of that kind of misery, and yet, here he is, finding peace in horrible situations. Can we say we show the same amount of grace in our every day life? 

When we truly look at scripture and we see what horrible things happened to people all throughout, why then do we not take the hint ourselves? God is in control, and no matter what happens to us in this life, we have something far better waiting for us. We need to find ways to be more content where we are, and stop trying to fill our lives with meaningless things to make ourselves feel better. There will be seasons of pain, of frustrations in our lives, but through them all is Jesus, and we need to be able to focus our energy on that. This world will tell you, you need x y z to make you feel better, but those things are temporary, Christ is eternal. Have faith in Christ, and learn how to not want, and no matter where God puts you, you’re fearing no evil, and your cup overflows with joy for the Lord.

There will always be things in our life that come up, and sometimes they are pretty awful. When a spouse cheats, or your in a horrible car accident, or you loose someone to alcohol or cancer, no matter what it is, bad things happen. Do we allow those things in our past to be moved along to others? Do we truly leave the past behind us only taking the important lessons with us? It’s easy to hold onto that weight, that extra baggage, but are we called to leave it and forgive, then move forward. Are we doing that? Are we living in peace, or are we living in fear?