Tag: faith

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? 

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WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? 

Growing up I wanted to be nothing but a soldier. In fact, I wanted to be a fighter pilot, but early in my life I found myself pushing to be a soldier. The day before I graduated from high school I received a letter from the Marine Corps, denying my entry to the Corps. The following day I went to graduation not knowing what my future would bring. I found myself listing like a ship upon the rough sea. The storm bellowed around me, not knowing what my tomorrow would hold. After the death of my dear friend, I found myself even more at odds with my future, and after a few poor life choices, I found myself home. After several months back home, I ran into a military recruiter at Meijer grocery store. Re-apply he said. So, within a few weeks, that’s what I did. After walking into the recruiting office, the first place I found myself was the Air Force. I set up my date to go to MEPS, and while there I had a great day and night. I did decently well, but I was not happy with the possible job opportunities. I didn’t feel any of them where my calling. I did not want to be a police officer for the military, (at that time). So, when I got back to town, my recruiter didn’t meet me there. Frustrated, and upset, I marched right into the Army Recruiting office, and spoke to them. On the 15-minute drive home I had narrowed down the jobs I wanted. Within a day on the internet, I narrowed down to one, Cavalry Scout. I was determined to make this a reality in my life. I went back to MEPS, and having to write an essay why I felt I would make a good scout, and why i deserved it, I won my position. I would be a soldier, and a cavalry scout, reconnaissance and surveillance, counter intelligence on the battle field, and a shadow. 

I made it through training, with a few bumps and bruises. I traveled to S. Korea where I wanted my first duty station. Then I deployed to Iraq, which was a surprise to us all. A warfighter, a protector of those who couldn’t protect themselves. Everything I learned in basic training was put to the test on the battle field, the combat theater of Ar-Ramadi, Iraq. I was not doing advanced recon, instead, I was kicking in doors, doing raids, snatch and grabs, intel gathering, observation posts, and sniper/ambush missions, among other things. My dream was being fulfilled. I was a combat soldier, and I had a long future in the military, (if I survived deployment). Sadly, my knee didn’t survive deployment and my 20-year plan was shattered, along with the cartilage in my knee. That knee injury, and subsequent surgery would eventually get me medically discharged. Leaving me with the question, what did I want to be when I grew up. 

After years of searching, living abroad in Germany, being a cashier at the on base gas station, then working in retail again, I would eventually become a security officer. I worked extraordinarily hard at it, and would be given the security officer of the year award for both the district and state. The pinnacle of my successful career. Yet, a year later, I would be let go after having a major trauma in my life. The loyalty was gone, a thank you for saving the life of a student, would mean nothing, a year later. Losing everything in the divorce, I found myself once again asking, since my FBI career would be over before it ever began, what did I want to be when I grew up. 

I listed again, tossed upon the waves, uncertain of my future. I found myself finishing my degree, still working in security, doing good work, but not where I wanted to be. Security was coming to a close in my life as I just, didn’t want to do it anymore. But, i went to work as an assessment counselor at an assessment center for at risk juveniles. The job was hard, but I was struck down by a difficult supervisor, and then later, physically struck by a youth. I was seriously injured and I had decided after the injury’s recovery time, not to return, thus ending my working career. Medical retirement seemed to be my future. I was making enough on my disability; work was something I was doing because I wanted to help people. So, I suffered through the emotional abuse at work, until, the job ended in my serious injury from one of the kids. What would I do when I grew up. 

After a while, I begun getting connected to Wounded Warrior Project. The Odyssey program would lay the foundation to what would eventually have saved my life. The first brick laid on my path, and shortly after, I would go to Cape Cod on a Soldier Ride. During the event we had a nice dinner on a train. While having conversations with one of the other soldiers, we discussed my path. He was a chaplain in the military and during our conversation he made the remark, ‘Have you ever thought of going to school for ministry?’ I laughed and adamantly said no. He just smiled and said OKAY. He went on to explain there were lots of job in ministry, not just the pastor, after i said I didn’t want to be a pastor, and I knew God didn’t want me to be one either. It wasn’t long after that I began having conversations with a friend of mine, and I would have the next large step laid before me during a ‘Lamlighter’ event. God was speaking to me, I, at the time, wasn’t listening very well. 

Within 6 months I begun training with the associate pastor at my church, and by October of 2020 I would become an Ordained Reverend by a counsel of both pastors and deacons from my church and others in the area. I knew by that point that I wanted to help others, and to disciple, and minister to the niche groups, nerds and veterans. Since then, while my dream location has yet to come to pass, I continue to reach out to the veteran community and the nerd community to offer my support. I have also continued to grow both this outreach, the blog, and the YouTube channel in which I speak twice a week. Currently on the channel at the time of this writing, I am preaching/teaching through the book of John. I had no idea ministry was what God had planned for me. Even though I’m retired, and I do not get paid for what I do, I love what I am doing. I love preaching and teaching God’s word, and I love studying it. While I often wish the channel would get more attention, I know that those who read or watch my content, hopefully are being blessed by the word of God. I feel as long as I continue to preach and teach faithfully, the Lord will continue to protect, and bless me and my family. 

Finding what you are meant to do isn’t always easy. Using your gifts, and talents, and passions, God has given to you, for your work is vital to your overall happiness in life. Joy is found in the Lord, and through the selfless service we offer to God, we may find our place that God wants for us. I had never thought about being in ministry, except for the priest in my young life making a comment about it once, that he felt I was destined for ministry, even if it wasn’t being a priest. While my life is one of poverty, physical hardships, and sometimes lonely, I do have joy in the Lord. I may not always get what I want, but the Lord always provides what I need. In just the recent months the Lord’s presence has shown brightly. Having saved my life through multiple miracles, then providing enormous financial assistance, and being with me while I experienced immense spiritual warfare, God is truly the all-powerful, all knowing, all sovereign, all loving God. How could God save a wretch like me? How could God ordain me, a sinner, a fallen creature, grace. God always knew where He wanted me, I just ran from the calling He had for me. I couldn’t face the life He wanted for me, it wasn’t glamorous, it didn’t pay well (I’m still not getting paid), but the rewards are beyond comprehension. When you have joy because of what you do, and you know you are serving a very big God, you have what you need. God provides my needs, and sometimes my wants, rewarding me for my service. I do not do this for what I’ve been given. This is by no means a prosperity gospel, because if the Lord were to take it all away today, I’d still preach because of what He’s done for me. He saved me, and that’s all there is. Going from a dead man in my wretched sins, to saved, to living, to now being headed for a very real heaven, a place I do not deserve to go, and a place I can’t work to get into, is something I could never deserve. What I deserve is Hell. I deserve to go to a very real Hell, because of my sins. I have committed cosmic treason, breaking the commandments set forth for us. I could never wash off that mud myself, but the blood of a Holy Jesus Christ, could. When those who set foot before God, before Jesus say, look what we did for you, and He replies be gone with you, the motive of why you were doing such things is laid bare for all of Heaven to see. We would never deserve Heaven, and therefore it’s not about what we did, but rather, “I am not worthy to be here oh Holy one.” “I am a sinner, and I deserve death.” Acknowledging our sins, and asking for mercy and forgiveness is all we should say. Jesus is King, He is the Lord of Lords, and we must believe, repent, and obey His commands. I want to be a good Christian when I grow up. I want to put a smile upon God’s face, and know that I am doing what the Lord wants of me. It was a long road to get here, but I am nowhere near where I thought I would be in my teenage years. My father died early in life, he was in his 40’s. I never knew him, and I wish he could see the man his son turned out to be. I wish I knew if my father would have been proud of me, proud of the man I became. Sadly, I will never know, and finding anyone who knew him has been hard. I don’t know what it’s like to have someone be proud of me, to hear it growing up was not part of my life. I only hope, that where I am right now, and what I’m doing right now, my Lord, Jesus Christ is proud of me. Am I serving well? Am I sharing the truth as He would want me too? My ABBA Father, I just hope I am doing what my Lord requires of me. I want my father to be proud of me when I grow up. I want to serve my Lord God when I grow up. I want to continue to be a vocal Christian when I grow up.

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

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Heartbreak In The Battle 

I’m 9 weeks out from heart surgery. A major open heart, valve replacement surgery, with an added pacemaker. Heartbreak comes to many, and it can look different when it does. I can remember my first heartbreak. Most people, it comes from their first love, for me, it came much earlier. Don’t get me wrong, I remember the heartbreak from my first love also. They aren’t the same. Scripture tells us Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” For many, and even for me, this response was once a hallow one. When I would be given scripture in response to my internal suffering, I was often annoyed, and frustrated. Sadly, during my first heart break, my true heart break, I watched as my home was crumbling before my very eyes. Not much different than now. During that event I didn’t have anyone giving me anything, not even a ray of hope, not one single iota of advice, not even scriptural advice. This lack of biblical, and for lack of a better term, ‘spiritual’ guidance, left me vulnerable to attack. When I was a kid, I was often seen as an outsider, and in reality, I was. There was always something about my life, something different from the other kids. Some kids are born into two parent homes, some into one, where one parent works hard, but is a loving, compassionate, and invested parent. For me, my situation was different. Heartbreak would be a feeling I’d experience on a regular basis.

Now, life is a series of disappointing events, one after another, that puts into place the most difficult of trust issues. Betrayal is a hard place to be. When a lifetime of hope comes crashing down, moving forward is something challenging. I look to God for my answers. Sadly, questions have come up in my life that haven’t gotten those answers. A single lie can do irrevocable damage. Not because forgiveness isn’t involved, but because a relationship is based on trust, and once it’s gone, it can take a long time to regain it, sometimes, trust is never earned again. How do we face life when it seems the world, or at least the world according to my own orbit, is flying apart? It’s hard to face life when nothing looks like it once was, when familiar is now so far removed from what it was just a few months ago. 

Faith, faith is one of those things that comes easy to some, difficult for others. For some people when heartbreak comes, it pushes someone to reject the god they think they know. In reality, for those who chose to walk the path of an apostate, faith was never something they truly had. No, in fact, I believe, since we cannot lose our salvation, those who walk away from God, do so because they never truly understood who God is. Many I’ve seen who graced the doors of the church and then walked away, did so when things didn’t go their way, or the way they wanted it too. Our lives are not our own. Our lives are dictated by a very real God. When we experience real hardships, and the devil attacks, we as people like to blame God for the troubles we experience. This isn’t new of course, this has been going on since the Jews left Egypt and immediately complained about their circumstances. After seeing what God could do, they did not trust Him with even the smallest of things, such as food and water. Today, we blame God for everything bad and good that happens to us. Truth is, we don’t need to blame God for what we experience, because, in reality, our very sin nature causes most of our problems. If we are truly honest, between the sin nature we have within us, and the devil attacking us, God wouldn’t need to bring forth bad things, even if that was who God is, but He’s not. 

My recent loses have taught me the need to turn to God, rather than away from. Relying on people can be detrimental sometimes. We put our hopes in people sometimes, and we shouldn’t. For years I continued to hope and pray someone in my life would be the person I always wanted them to be. Faith, is not easy sometimes, especially when the forge is hot, and we are put to the flame. What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to move? What in our life needs to be removed in order for us to grow? For those who follow God, no matter how badly someone may hurt us, that hurt can be used to point us in a different direction. In my life, have I become to sedimentary? God saved me for something. I have recently looked at my life and wondered what was it that God gave me the opportunity to survive for. Going through some of the worst experiences, after having major heart surgery, and after my heart being crushed by it’s own blood, I find myself questioning much about God’s plan. It’s that plan, I wonder what must I do. Faith is not blind when you believe in God, and trust and obey. Our faith is rewarded by God’s faithfulness to us. Even when we are not faithful ourselves, we are never alone. God is always with us, even when we stray. One of the hardest things we can do is chose to live. As I’ve said recently, dying is easy, living is hard. I mean that with every ounce of who I am. Lately the question, is why? As I wrote recently, why do I keep fighting? Love, love is always the answer. Why did Jesus fight the pain, the torture, the mockery, the wrath of the father? Love. Love is the reason we do much in our lives. Why does a soldier fall upon a grenade tossed in his foxhole? Love of the brothers next to him. Love makes people do a lot of incredibly brave things. Love, also can have the opposite effect and make people forsake friends, family, and do a lot of stupid things. Love is most definitely a strong emotion that can remove all rational thought from the brain. Throwing ones self upon a grenade to save the lives of others, while heroic, is almost certain death. Why is it love can send people down all kinds of different paths? Why can love move people to pick up, pack up, and leave their family members behind? Why can love (or at least love by name alone) move people to forsake marriages? Sadly the human mind, and emotions are complex, and to answer that truly, this would become a deep written psych paper. 

When I was growing up, the first girl I fell in love with, I would have done anything for her. I felt we had an amazing relationship. There were many of the foundations of an wonderful relationship. Then, one day, without warning, it ended. One by one in my life, I would love, none like the first, but different in their own way. Each love would fall, and it was in my mind, why be hostile just because the relationship ended. Why couldn’t two people, once in a relationship be friends? For some, this was not the case, and over the years, more and more people, more and more friends, more and more relationships, have died, and disappeared. The amount of people that have ghosted me in my life, people I deeply cared for, is staggering. Thinking about them often, and I wonder, why they left. I question why someone would leave when I offer so much of myself. I offer assistance, an ear, respect, love, truth, and much more, yet they leave. I am not a perfect man, but I have found, the type of love I have always offered in my life is that similar to what the Lord offers to us. A lesson I have learned is this, why do people, who have been given an amazing gift, still decide to turn and walk away from it? Even though God never forces anyone to love Him, people chose not to take His gift of eternal salvation, and they chose the path that takes them straight to Hell. Sometimes, no matter how nice the gift, people will still reject it. No matter how sincere my love was, people would still reject it. No matter how much I tried to put a relationship back together, people would still reject it. For a long time, I blamed myself. For a long time, I asked if it was me, that they were rejecting. The answer, is both yes, and no. Pride is an important factor in this equation. While, all of those people left me, and I am the common denominator to that equation, there is one other factor, pride. To this day, I don’t know why some I’ve been in relationships with have stayed my friend, while others have moved on with their lives, leaving me behind. We as prideful people look out for just ourselves. We don’t care the hurt we may cause others, or the damage done to them. How easy it is for some people to cut ties with another person, despite once sharing great feelings or supposed respect for them. It would be understandable if I were a mean, uncaring, unloving, selfish, abusive person, but as far as I am aware, that isn’t the case. When I wasn’t dating my ex, because she needed it, I bought her a car, and I looked for nothing in return. A different ex, I paid off her collage tuition. The same applied, I wanted nothing in return. All I wanted to do was share love, and help those I care about. What I have learned is, no matter how much you do for a person, how much you’re there for them, heartbreak is always a possibility. 

Even though heartbreak can happen to anyone, at any time, that doesn’t mean don’t share your heart. Even those closest to you may break your heart, you should still venture into love, because love is what we are called to do. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. We are called to love our wives as Christ loved and died for the church. We are called to love God with everything we are. We are called to love our enemies and treat them with a kind hand. How can we love, if all we do is look out for ourselves? How can we love if we are always thinking in our minds, ‘I’ll love as long as I’m treated nicely and with respect, and I’m happy.’ So often the moment we become unhappy, that switch in our brains that tells us we love someone, is turned off, and we begin to seek someone else to love. The moment the marriage gets hard often we see, especially today, couples crumble and fall apart. Love means very little in peoples lives today. We say it sure, in fact we over saturate the world with the word, but we don’t do what love is. We say it, but we don’t live it out. We say it, but we don’t let the true meaning sink into our hearts, and take root, allowing our lives to withstand the storms, without the love burning out. 

I’ve experienced true heartbreak in my life. I have experienced heartbreak in my childhood, my first girlfriend ripped out my heart and tapped danced on it for a while, and two ex-wives made sure my heart wasn’t just a little broken, but paid extra attention to maximizing the pain I would go through. We tend to hurt others most when we know deep down we are wrong. We tend to try to justify why we are doing what we are doing, and we turn the innocent into the problem, and then, that turns to bitterness, and vileness. We turn our own selfish desires into our truth, and anything that goes against that is a direct attack, and we then defend our own sinful, and selfish actions, no matter how badly it may hurt the loved ones around us. Yes, indeed, I have experienced heartbreak. 

As i wrote recently I fight for love. “I fight because of love. I fight because Jesus loved me enough to die for me on the cross. I endure hardships because Christ endured hardships. I take the beating because the Apostles, like Christ, took the beatings. I fight the war, because Paul said “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/31/why-do-you-keep-fighting/ I fight because I choose to fight. I was given a choice to have the surgery or not. I chose to endure the surgery, to keep me in the fight longer. Sure, I could have just waited it out, and let the heart fail, whenever it would have failed, but that’s not what I chose to do. Continue to fight, even though I have endured great heartbreak, and I am enduring great hardships, I know there are people around me who would not want me to leave. Loved ones that while I do believe they would be fine without me, wish for me to stay. So even though I have endured so much, I decide every day to stay, to continue the work the Lord has given me. I pray every day the Lord would allow me to create “Christs Cantina” and make a Star Wars themed Christian ‘coffee house style’ place, for both nerds and veterans to go, to hear about God’s word, and maybe try to do some community outreach to make our home a better place to be. Even though I feel current heartbreak, and struggles for the events that have occurred over the last few months, I know that God’s plan is perfect. Even if I don’t see His plan, I know that my heart will mend, and it will beat again. We cannot allow heartbreak to turn us into cold, bitter, resentful, angry people. We must overcome, and through the act of forgiveness allow ourselves to heal. We must be able to push through the pain, not ignoring it, but knowing that people are sinful, and sinful people will undoubtedly hurt others. Sin does not happen within a bubble, but rather, spreads out and affects everyone around us. Sin is the most destructive force on the planet, and we often as a society say it’s stuff like global warming, global cooling, or the lump sum of racism, hate speech, but in reality it’s sin. Sin destroys  more lives than any fire, any flood, anything else we can imagine. Our sin, our pride, our idols bring forth destruction on a scale that far surpasses any other disasters. Just the last year alone, I’ve seen several marriages fall to ruin. I’ve seen families destroyed. I’ve seen lies destroy trust, and I’ve seen pride damage relationships. 

One day, every knee shall bow, every tongue shall confess, and the Lord will purge the world of sin. One day a new heaven and a new earth shall be made, and in heaven there are no more tears, or sorrow. We are but a vapor in this life, and our God almighty is eternal. We cannot fathom the true nature of God, but I know that it’s not long, until my body will pass away, and to be absent from the body is to be with the Lord. I know when that day comes, I will be safe in my Fathers arms. I know that Jesus has given me many miracles in the recent months, and I know that I cannot waist them. Despite the struggles since I chose life on earth, and I chose not to go home just yet. The physical pain I feel that brings me to my knees, and the emotional pain I have endured, will not be the end of me. While the tears fall from my face, and the hardships feel more than I can bare, I remember these words from scripture, 1 Corinthians 10:13 “13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” I trust my Lord that my armor will hold. I trust my Lord that the shield I carry will protect me from all the arrows launched at me. I trust my Lord that the breastplate will guard my heart from the Devils schemes. I trust the Lord that my helmet will protect my mind from the lies and whispers of Satan. The Lord my God, Jesus Christ, will show me the path from this trial. Yes, my heart is in pieces, but the Lord is faithful. My heart crushed, my head down in sorrow. I know however the Lord is with me, and one day, I shall find peace. One day, I will have respite from the battle I’m in. Beyond this life though, one day I know I will reside in the kingdom of God, and I will never know pain again. One day, beyond this journey, lays a new state of being, one of perfection, with no more scars. As Casting Crowns said Scars In Heaven, “The only scars in heaven wont belong to me and you, the’ll be no such thing as broken.” The only scars in heaven will belong to our savior Jesus. Oh what a day that will be to be able to go home. What a day that’ll be to say goodbye to this lifelong trial. What a day that’ll be till Jesus welcomes me home after my marathon is over. What a day that’ll be when my broken heart is renewed and there will be no more pain. Till that day, I fight the fight. Till that day I’ll do my job, sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ. Till that day, I will continue to proclaim the one that saved my soul. I will continue to tell anyone I can the amazing miracles I’ve witnessed in recent days. Jesus is the way the, the truth, and the life, and no one gets to the father except by Him. (John 3:16) One must believe in Jesus Christ, and Obey his commandments. (John3:36). We must repent of our sins, turn from the world, and pick up our cross daily and follow Christ. Jesus told us in Matthew 4:17, to repent. We are all sinners, saved by grace, but we must accept Jesus, accept His word without adding our own interpretations, or ideals into scripture. Our opinion do not matter, and as I have often said, as one of my favorite quotes, “The Word of God is the anvil upon which the opinions of men are smashed.” (Charles Spurgeon) My opinion means nothing. The Word of God is everything. It destroys my idea of what life might be, by showing me the nature of my sin. It shows me the nature of man, and the trickery of the Devil. It shows me how to live a Godly life. It shows me how to resit the Devil. It shows me how to be a man of God, righteousness, holiness, and the depravity in which mankind lives. God’s word is the truth, I shall not devise my own ‘truth’ and allow sin to rule over me. The holy scripture of God, shows me what true strength is. It shows me how to be strong, yet meek. It shows me how to extend mercy to those who hurt me. It shows me how to bring peace to my home, even when the Devil steps inside. God’s word has changed me into a man who desires peace, to live in peace, to resit gossip, to stand up against injustice, but to live in the truth of the almighty God. We must stand firm on God’s word. We must not forsake one another in the trials of life, but come together in loving kindness in accordance to God’s word. 

Despite the hardships faced, and the heartbreak, life goes on. The darkness rises all around us, but a glimmering light shines to keep us reminded of the hope, that Christ is the light of the world. Even in the darkest of nights, the dawn always rises. The heart does heal, it just takes time. Scars often remain from hardships, but in our scars we learn, and we grow. Let us not allow our scars to leave behind the bitterness, and hatred that caused them to begin with. Let us seek to live life according to the wishes of our Lord God. 

Rest

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Rest

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed with life, so bogged down, so beaten down, we are either forced to rest, or we must get ahead of the game, and rest before we’re forced too. Now is one of those times. Since the hernia surgery in October, life has been fast and furious. The hernia surgery came, then the day later the gas was so overwhelming in my chest and shoulder, to find out about the enlarged aorta, to scheduling heart surgery, to all the appointments prior, and in less than a month the heart surgery. Once the heart surgery was over, the pacemaker, a nine day stay in the hospital, and then more to come. The infection that came, then the rear flank pain, that led to another ED visit, to find the fluid around the heart. The fluid turned out to be blood, meaning my heart was bleeding into the thin sack around the heart, which led to another five days in the hospital. Home life wasn’t restful either. The fireplace in the tent was not ready when I got home from heart surgery, due to a part delay. But then in reality the house itself wasn’t ready for my arrival. To top it off the day I went home from heart surgery, the car broke down and cost almost three thousand dollars to fix. Then the chimney had issues on the fireplace that needed to be fixed. Of course after heart surgery most of that I cannot do myself. in total, of course, none of which is restful. The God of the universe teaches us an important lesson in Genesis, and on the seventh day, God rested. We must take time to rest, to reflect, to give reverence to an almighty God who created the universe and us in it. Each of us, is created by God for a purpose. We are special because God ordained our birth. While we are cursed through sin to work and till the earth, we must also remember that God gave us a time to rest. In the Old Testament we read the Jews had rest on the sabbath. Today, we recognize Sunday as our day of rest. Sometimes though, we need more. So, this very day, I find rest. Rest, that is so needed, my body exhausted, my mind and heart heavy, rest is the cure for what ales me. 

I know for some, rest is hard. Even now, I find myself awake in the middle of the night. What prompts this? Many things I suppose, but the biggest is my minds inability to shut down, and simply rest. I think back to everything I’ve gone through, and truly, there is only one bible chapter that comes to mind, Psalm 23 A Psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd,

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

— Psalm 23:1-6

Finding rest in a battle is a difficult thing. When I was in Iraq, sleep was never deep. When I was on mission, and on the longer ones when sleep was necessary, on the battle field, I would sleep with my rifle sling wrapped around my arms. The rifle held tight, and my Kevlar on, or nearby. The slightest sound would rouse me awake. My body was always in a state of vigilance and it’s what likely kept me alive. Home isn’t much different really. My vigilance is like a switch stuck in the on position. True rest comes seldom, but when it does, how sweet it is. We as a society don’t take rest seriously. One source shows 120,000 work related stress deaths per year, in the United States. It’s sad really, when you consider that, if we would just take better care of ourselves, many of our health issues wouldn’t be a problem. If we found a better home/work balance, we would see a drastic drop in illnesses. 

How do we rest, and relax? Decompression is such an important part of life, yet, at least here in America, it is not something taught in school. We’re taught nothing but work, and work hard. We are taught to test, and every question has only one right answer. We are taught that downtime is bad, and nearly every minute of the day must be filled with something. Even today, we teach kids, that to keep themselves occupied, they watch screens. If you were to ask someone, how long do you sit outside, just to watch the sunset, I would presume the number of people who do, would be low. We don’t sit in nature without a task. Even though some may find it relaxing and decompressive, watching TV is not a great stress release, and here’s why. While I do this myself, we are constantly stimulated by whatever it we watch. The mind, doesn’t rest when we watch TV, or movies. So, in reality, while it may feel like we are decompressing, we truly aren’t. For me, I enjoy building Lego sets, or hiking, photographing very small things in macro settings. I enjoy picnics, and time with friends. I find writing to be fairly relaxing and therapeutic. The key, is to do something relaxing, without having to much stimulus for the mind to be ramped up. Some people enjoy knitting, or crochet. Other’s may enjoy coloring, or drawing. Another thing I enjoy is listening to music, but not with words, unless it’s something like Enya, but instrumental, calming music. Music from James Horner, who composed Titanic, and Braveheart, Beethoven, and other similar artists. When I need to rest, this is what I listen to, or Lofi-Cat on YouTube. I am also a fan of bon-fire’s, or looking into a flame, such as a candle. 

Some people drink warm tea, and others have many different things they do. Some like bubble bath’s with candles. Some like to go for a run, or go to the gym. No matter what it is you do, that’s a healthy release of stress, we need to normalize taking time for ourselves. This is not a selfish thing to do, but rather one of physical necessity. Stress is a very real killer in our society, and we don’t do a good job, especially as men, in finding ways, healthy ways, to rest, and relax. If we do not relax, stress not only kills us, but shortens our natural life. We need to remove things from our life if we need to, but it’s important we find and make the time to rest and relax. We must take time to pray, and be in prayer to our almighty Heavenly Father. We must take time for ourselves, because if we don’t, the alternative could be disastrous. 

In the New Testament we often see Jesus taking naps. I imagine the effort and energy that flows through a human body, would make him tired. I don’t know what it felt like to be fully God, and fully man, but I can understand him wanting to take naps. After everything I’ve been through since Oct, I feel my body weighing me down. There is no time during the day something doesn’t hurt. My shoulder, my neck, my back, and most recently pain in my stomach right under my ribs. Resting is what’s needed. If we do not take time to take care of ourselves, no one will. Our bodies age, and as we get older, sometimes require a bit more thought and care. We must take time for ourselves. We must put down the world, lay the cell-phones down, and relax. We cannot expect our bodies to heal, and recover if we run them to the ground, yet we don’t take time apart. Don’t underestimate how important it is to rest. So, from me to you, rest. I hope, and pray you find peace and rest this 2025. Lets start off strong, and continue the fight. Rest when you can, and know peace in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. May His peace be with you. May His strength be with you. May His joy be your joy. Rest well my friends. Rest well. 

Why Do You Keep Fighting? 

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Why Do You Keep Fighting? 

“Matrix Revolutions”

Agent Smith: Why Mr Anderson, Why, Why, Why do you do it? Why, why get up? Why keep fighting? You believe your fighting for something, for more than your survival, can you tell me what it is, do you even know? Is it freedom or truth, perhaps peace, could it be for love? Illusions Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception, temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them is as artificial as the Matrix itself. Although, only a human mind could invent something as incipit as love. You must be able to see it Mr Anderson, you must know it by know, you can’t win, it’s pointless to keep fighting. WHY MR ANDERSON, WHY DO YOU PERSIST?” 

Neo: Because I choose too. 

“Pilgrims Progress”

As Christian journeys to the beautiful Celestial City, he first must pass through the valley of humiliation. There he meets the evil prince Apollyon. He said “I have given him my faith, and sworn my allegiance to him; how then can I go back from this, and not be hanged as a traitor?” 

After a long battle, Apollyon delivered a near fatal blow to Christian. There, Christian lay beaten to the ground. As Apollyon was about to deliver the final, fatal blow, “Christian nimbly reached out his hand for his sword, and caught it saying “Rejoice not against me, O mind enemy; when I fall, I shall arise” (Micah 7:8) 

In these two stories, an over arching question is raised. In the Matrix, it’s why do you fight. In Pilgrims Progress, its why do you give your loyalty to the King of the celestial city? Much like the two questions raised, we also face this exact question in our own life. After becoming a Christian, it’s one of the first things you are met with, an onslaught of attacks from a cunning, and powerful enemy. In my life, I have often found myself beaten to the ground like Christian was in his fight against Satan/Apollyon. It’s in this moment, I often think of Satan asking me that very question, “Why Jacob, why do you persist?!” That’s the question we must all answer in our long fight in this war. When times are hard, and we’ve been beaten to the ground by illness, addiction, sinful pleasures, or just life’s hardships, life can be pretty hard on us sometimes. Some, obviously more than others, but the reality is, all who chose to pick up their cross and follow Christ, will find themselves as soldiers in this war. The phrase used commonly in todays military, attributed to General William Sherman of the American Civil War, “War is hell.” Having been to war, I whole heartedly agree. 

As I wrote recently, “One day I will be recalled from this duty station. One day, the Lord will say my watch is over. One day Jesus will tell me, well done soldier, now rest. One day I will take up residence where I truly belong. One day, I will see what I’ve been fighting for this whole time. I long for that day, but for now, I will serve God faithfully here.” (The Week My Heart Stop, By The Arrow Preacher, https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/07/the-week-my-heart-stopped/) I fight because of love. I fight because Jesus loved me enough to die for me on the cross. I endure hardships because Christ endured hardships. I take the beating because the Apostles, like Christ, took the beatings. I fight the war, because Paul said “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Eph 6:11-12) We were given a promise that at the end of our fight we would be given a crown, but we fight not for a crown, or a mansion in Heaven, we fight because it’s the right thing to do. We fight because the powers of darkness spread like that of Mordor upon Middle Earth. We fight because we have loved ones in harms way. We fight because we do not wish to see those whom we love perish to the darkness of the pit, where fire and brimstone reign, where no water exists to quench the thirst, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. We fight for love, and this love is eternal. We fight because we love, because Jesus first loved us. Poor Christian was beaten down to the ground, about to be ended with one final blow, but it was in his darkest hour the miracle occurred. That sword ended up in his hand, between his fingers, and he plunged the blade into the beasts belly, forcing the foul creature to flee. Christian, even though he fought the devil and nearly lost, he was victorious, by the power of Christ in him. We too have that same power flowing through us, and to quote the genie from ‘Aladdin’, “You’ve got some power in your corner now.” (Aladdin, 1992) When we are surrendered to Christ, and allow the Holy Spirit to dwell within us, the true nature of “I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13. This doesn’t mean you can score 100 points in a basketball game, or catch the winning touchdown throw with zero left on the clock. Sadly this verse is the most taken out of context verses in all of scripture. When you are Joshua storming the gates of Jerico and the odds are against you, it’s the Lords strength and decree that win the day. When you are Gideon and you face an army far larger than yourself, and God said to go, in Him all things are possible. When the Lord tells you to do something, it’s then you are given the strength to endure and accomplish what the Lord sent you to do. I fight not of my own strength, but of the Lords. I endure not of myself, but because the Lord has permitted me to endure. If it were left in my hands, I would fall, and not get back up. If it were left in my own hands, I would fail. 

Life is one of hardships, but for a baby Christian it can be confusing. A baby Christian is someone who is either new to the faith, or someone who’s been stagnant in their growth of the faith and are stuck at the baby phase. The baby Christian knows very little scripture. They do not have a strong relationship with God, and can easily be swayed by the word, and heretics preaching false gospel. These babies, often experience attacks early in their faith, and much like Christian’s friend in ‘Pilgrims Progress’, Pliable leaves Christian, abandons the path just as soon as he stepped onto it, at the first sign of trouble. Sadly in my own walk as a Christian, I have known many like Pliable, where they do not make up their mind, and at the first sign of difficulty, they abandon their walk with Christ. Largely the question comes up, “why would a loving God create so much darkness?” “Why would a loving God force me to go through so much hardship?” To that question, I answer this, God allows us to go through hardships because we don’t know what’s truly ‘good, or bad’. Anything that we believe changes our own plans, or makes us uncomfortable is considered bad. James writes, James 1:2-8 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.” The Author of James, the half brother of Jesus, understood hardships. When he was writing the book of James, Christians were already being persecuted, and murdered. He writes this knowing that when he says trials, what he’s really saying here is when our friends are murdered, and you become persecuted also, count it joy to die for Christ. How can someone so calmly say, it’s alright to die for a belief. Why do you still fight? Why did the Apostles continue to preach day after day, and endure the beatings, endure the prison, and eventually endure the death that befell nearly all of them? They believed because of what they had seen and witnessed. It’s this witness that leaves me to the why. Why do I, personally, as the Arrow Preacher, why do I fight? 

Early in my life I found myself different from those around me. I found myself struggling with being an outsider, and being different from my friends. Early on in my life I heard the call from Jesus, though I wouldn’t fully understand till I was older. The hardships I endured, and even the betrayals I endured early in my life set me on a path, and shaped my personality. Before I went to basic training I had many tell me, I wouldn’t make it through training, I would fail. The last day of our training we endured a 20+ K ruck march, where we endured both hills named “Heartbreak” and “Misery”, which are both perfectly named. This march would be conducted with our 60-80 pound rucksack on our backs, along with our helmets, and rifles. We would endure venturing into this march, incredibly sleep, and rest deprived. At the time of basic training I was a mere 120 pound tiny fella. I struggled from around half way, till the end. A soldier had fallen to the rear of the formation, struggling with an Achilles injury. I chose to make sure he didn’t march alone. I fell back to ensure he wouldn’t quit. If I wasn’t going to quit, I didn’t want him to quit either. We marched together, both struggling, both falling further behind, and in danger of the drill sergeant calling it, forcing us into the truck. We endured the pain, and continued to march ahead. It was in that moment, when I felt like my hope was lost, we turned a corner, and there two football fields away, I saw it, I saw our barracks. The end was so close, and I couldn’t contain my joy. Tears fell from my eyes, as I knew that while so many had quit, so many were forced by injury onto the trucks, I had endured, I had defied the odds, and I had proven to both myself, and others, that I had what it took to serve as a Cavalry Scout in the United States Army. It’s that same strength and determination that allows me today, to continue to defy the devil when he asks me, “Why do you persist?!” I persist because I choose to. I persist because I have faith. I persist because I love Jesus, and those around me, and the fight is worth it. When I look around, and much like the Matrix, I see people all around me who are still plugged into to the system of this world, it breaks my heart. When I see people who have turned from Jesus, or have rejected Him outright, I hurt in the knowledge they may forever face damnation. I fight for them. I fight so I may share the love of Christ, as He commanded me to, to make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them. I fight because I know that somehow, or some way, Jesus will use what I have gone through in my life as a part of my testimony. I know that God waist’s nothing, and He will use what I have gone through later on down the road. Or, what I have endured, is the forging process, to heat me, to make be shapable, to then allow the world to heat me, but always being the master forge, He pounds me into a beautifully crafted, battle ready, and battle hardened sword. Out of hardships the armor is born, at least for me. All the hardships I endured have culminated in who I am, a man seeking after God, knowing I am not alone in this fight. But, I am ready to fight. 

Part II The Journey

Years ago, when I was a child, I faced intense bullying. This was not just verbal, but I was battered on a regular basis. I received swirleys; I had my shoes thrown into urinal stalls, while they were being used; I was beat up in the halls; hit in the back of the head on the bus; tripped as I walked down the halls; my clothes stolen in the locker room; I was targeted in gym, and worse I was targeted for thieving, such one time I was walking home from the bus stop when someone came up behind me and grabbed the gold chain I was wearing, breaking it but stealing it. When I turned around to confront my assailant, I was met with a fist to the side of my head, instantly knocking me to the ground, my ears ringing, and my eyes immediately blurred. Another time I was battered because someone didn’t understand my meaning of something I said. I was beaten badly, punch after punch to my head and face. I didn’t fight back. The worst part was after my mother’s attempted suicide, which I was present for, having saved her life from bleeding to death. From that day forth, people would say stuff like, ‘you’re so worthless even your mother had to try and kill herself to get away from you.’ This went on for years of my young life. I had often attempted to avoid school so I wouldn’t be subjected to this torture. I would avoid the bus so I wouldn’t be beat up. Sadly, in those days we didn’t have noise canceling headphones to just ignore them. 

Then, there was home. At home, my mother’s ex-boyfriend was a hoarder of car parts and tools. In the home we had boxes from floor to ceiling, only carving small pathways to places like rooms, the couch, but every nook and cranny, every bit of floor space was covered with boxes. The only refuge I had was my own room. But, with it being a trailer, the walls were thin, so when mom and her boyfriend argued I would hear them. Mom would often come to my room crying, waking me up, even if it was late on a school night. 

The first time I moved out I was 10 years old. I moved for a summer, and by the end of summer, I was given the option for the family I was with to formally adopt me. In my mind, I couldn’t bring that pain to mom, and I knew that me being away for the summer would have given mom time to change. But, as I would find out as time went on, and one move after another, she didn’t change. When I moved to Massachusetts from Michigan for another summer, with the intent to stay and go to school there, my return home didn’t change anything. This went on for six different moves, and each ended the same way. It wasn’t till my 15th birthday that I finally decided enough was enough. Within a year, I was given the opportunity to in essence be emancipated, and choose the guardian I wished to stay with. I would move in with my grandfather, and that’s when life began to change for me. 

My trauma would follow me however, and it always created doubt in myself, a poor image of myself, and fear of losing the people I cared for. The first woman I loved; I would have done anything for her. Even after we broke up, I bought her a car, and helped her anytime I could. In that time I couldn’t imagine life without her. I went to war and again, broken up, she was the person I was fighting for, fighting to return home. 

War trauma is a very real, and difficult thing to overcome. During my time in Ramadi, Iraq, I faced battle. I would experience my first miracle during a well-organized ambush, designed to kill Americans. This miracle, had several little miracles, one after another, as we beat the odds, 100:2. A hundred or more insurgents against two Humvees. As Winstin said from John Wick, “Fourteen-million-dollar bounty on his head, and every interested party in this city wants a piece of it, I’d say the odds were about even.” In a way, this was the ambush we experienced. We survived several RPG’s, small arms fire, IED’s, a failure in the main gun on the truck, a loss of communication with our partner truck, three blown out tires, a loss of combustion in the truck leaving it to limp out of the combat zone at a whopping five miles per hour. It truly was a miracle we survived. We also lost friends, several from outside the platoon would not make it home, but also from within our platoon. We experienced a traumatic loss as a truck would be destroyed, killing all four people on board. I was there that day, and witnessed the horror of what an explosive device can do to the human body. I will spare you the blood and gore, but it’s severe. 

Having survived two very nasty divorces, even finding myself in jail twice, because of them, not for anything violent, but regardless, having lived my life as much like Captain America, like a boy scout, as I could, being placed in handcuffs, being booked and charged with a crime, was extraordinarily painful, and traumatic. Thankfully those charges never stuck, and I became a free man. 

My own trauma, where I put a 9mm hallow point through my left shoulder, and nearly dying, left me with enough trauma for three lifetimes. Nearly dying will always have an effect on you. My own experience hearing the voice of God, would forever shape my future. One week prior to the gunshot wound I realized I was going about life the wrong way. I realized that I believed in Jesus as my savior, but I had not surrendered to Him as Lord. It was this realization that brought me to my knees in repentance. Just because you surrender to Christ doesn’t mean life will go the way you think it should. While I am not harboring ill will towards anyone, I believe now, that divorce was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. I don’t believe that we would have made a good couple for my role in ministry. God indeed works in mysterious ways. 

In recent days, as some of you already know, I had a series of miracles in my life, from finding the damage to my aorta in the most unusual way, requiring immediate medical intervention to save my life, to the failure in my heart, necessitating a pacemaker be installed. Even after that, random pain in my left lower back, led me to believe I had a kidney stone. Upon scans, there was no stone, and the next day I felt fine, but the scan revealed fluid around my heart. After a more direct scan they found the fluid was affecting my heart’s ability to pump. This prompted an immediate intervention, which had me admitted to the hospital. In total nearly 400 ML of blood were removed. For perspective the amount pulled out of my heart was nearly as much as one would give, when they give blood. For more information on my heart surgery recovery, please read “The Week My Heart Stopped” https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/07/the-week-my-heart-stopped/ and “One Month Later” https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/12/22/one-month-later/

Living in a tent under these conditions provides many challenges. Even recently, a strong wind storm came to town, and continued time after time, to pull the chimney free from its elbow connection. With a limited amount of both mobility and strength, to fix any problems that come, would add extreme tasks. The same day, the elastic guideline connection came untied. It took me 20 minutes, in the rain, to figure out how the knot was tied. It took a great deal of effort and strength to complete the mission. While technically living in a tent is choice, it’s the better of two choices. Once again I find myself in the midst of challenges, I do not have the ability to fix. Every day is a challenge, one I feel unprepared to handle. I know that one battle we must face is that of patience. We often want things our way, in our timeline. The greatest display of patience or rather, lack thereof, is in scripture is that of Abraham and his handmaiden giving birth to Ishamael. Sarah and Abram at the time lost sight of God’s plan, and did not wait for the Lord. They took matters into their own hands, and thus disobeying God. We should take this as our cautionary tale about what happens when we become impatient and try to fix a problem in our own way and time. God’s ways are above our ways, His timing is not our timing. Fighting the urge to go out on our own, is the sin flesh nature that highlights our pride. Often times, pride is a battle all on its own. Pride pulls us as sin pulls us. We don’t always fight large problems, sometimes in our life we fight our feelings. We fight depression, we fight anxiety, we fight doubts, we fight the sins that make us feel good, and temporarily satisfied. One more level of the battlefield that makes the war a complicated one. 

The point is, we all have trials, we have traumas, we have hardships, and heartaches, but it’s these things in our life that truly do mold and shape us. They shape us, but it’s what we do with them that define us. What does your character look like? Do these things make you bitter? Do these things make you cold? Do these things make you angry? How is it we are to take these things and have joy in our heart? Jesus tells us to take heart because He overcame the world. And He is with us till the end of the age. We have joy that cannot be taken, no matter what happens because we have faith in Christ, and this life, this world is temporary. How to overcome these things is simple, we place them at the foot of the cross, and we never pick them up again. We let go of the baggage that holds us back. As I have often used a rucksack as my example. When you’re walking up a hill, you take with only what you need. Much like the sword of Griffendor, it takes in only what makes it stronger. We must take in only what makes us stronger, and anything that is weighing us down, doubt, fear, regret, sorrow, anxiety, we set these down, and continue the fight. We cannot win the war if we have carried so much we are over encumbered. 

I have experienced so much, and the work it has taken to get to where I am, is not of my own power, but rather the changing power of the Holy Spirit in me. I am nothing, a dead man, without the Spirit in my heart. My works are nothing, they are but filthy rags before the Lord. Works without faith are nothing, and faith without works are nothing. It is our faith, that produces the works. We are never saved by our works, but our repentance of our sins, and our faith in Jesus Christ as He is the way the truth and the life. He is the only way to the father, and no one, not one person gets to the father except through Christ. Jesus told us the path to destruction is wide, but the path to glory is a narrow one, and few will follow it. I fight for the truth. There is but one truth, and that’s God’s truth. Nothing begets nothing. Intelligent design points to an intelligent designer. Life does not come from nothing. I fight for the truth because I believe people don’t willingly die for a lie. I fight for the truth because I know the apostles wrote the truth, they described themselves as cowards. They described themselves as afraid during the crucifixion of their supposed Lord. The moment they saw their Lord risen from the dead they became bold, so bold that they withstood great pressure from Rome, and the Jews, that they went to their deaths in horrible ways. No one goes to their death for something they know to be a lie. People don’t give up power, wealth and prestige, but a ranking member of the Sanhedrin, “Paul”, gave up everything to follow Christ, even after he persecuted them, and sent them to their deaths. I fight for truth because I believe scripture to be true. 

What do you fight for? Why do you fight? What are you willing to do, or how far are you willing to go? I have found it’s easy to die, it’s a hard thing to live, and continue to fight the good fight. For whatever reason, after all my near-death circumstances, the Lord wants me on this earth. I will obey my Lord, and I will fight. I will fight till I draw no more breaths. I will fight injustice; I will fight against wrong. I will fight to keep my family safe. I will fight to preach and teach the truth to all who will listen. I fight because I love. I love my family, and I love my enemies. I wish for no one to perish, and the time we have is precious. What we do with it, is important. Do we maximize our efforts to share the name of Jesus to all, or do we squander it? Do we fight to look like Christ daily, fighting our sin nature? Living amongst the world as a non-believer is easy. Living among those who hate you, and want you to not be a part of their society is hard. Fighting for the Love of Christ is hard. Picking up your cross out of love and carrying it, dying to yourself, dying to society, and walking a very different path than your neighbors is tough, perhaps the toughest thing you will ever do. But the rewards for doing so, are beyond our earthly comprehension. The gift to spend eternity with our Lord and Savior, is the greatest gift we could ever receive. The most significant miracle I’ve ever experienced is the Lord changing my heart. I went from being apathetic to the word of God, to all in. The moment I heard the Lord’s voice, and life was breathed back into my dying chest, was like God imprinted something on my heart and mind. A purpose, a guiding star to place my compass and embark on the hardest journey of my life. I fight because the Lord asked me to fight. Am I a threat to Satan and his kingdom? I do believe so, and thus why I have experienced such hardships in the recent years. I am sharing the gospel when I am able, I write, I do my podcast on YouTube, and I preach and teach to anyone who will listen. I am unshaken, I am unbreakable, I am forged in the fires of this world, and I will fight till my last breath, because I love the Lord, and I love the people of this fallen, sick world. I fight because I love what the Lord loves, and I fight to serve. The Lord saved me by giving me a new heart valve, and a pacemaker to run my heart. I survived open heart surgery; I survived my heart stopping, and beating again. I survived blood crushing down upon my heart, and I will continue to survive whatever the world sends at me, till the day, the Lord recalls me. I will fight the good fight till Jesus calls me home and says well done. Will you fight with me? Will you be zealous for the word of God? Will you choose to follow Christ? Let us fight this war together. Let us never quit, and never surrender. Let us fight in love because we choose too. 

Ashes to Ashes

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Ashes to Ashes

We often don’t think much about the draw of time on our bodies, or about time itself. I’ve been taking some time to think about what it was God said to Adam in the Garden of Eden just prior to his exile: 

By the sweat of your face

You will eat bread,

Till you return to the ground,

Because from it you were taken;

For you are dust,

And to dust you shall return.”

— Genesis 3:19

You must work, and work hard all the days of your life. You will eat the product of your work till your days end. This is the curse on which the human race is forced to live. Our lives are bound to the linear decay, a beginning, and an end of time. We face tomorrow with optimism, even though we have seen the perpetual onslaught of unanticipated trials and tribulations. While some people may plan for the future to have some struggles, it’s the reality that life will throw untold amount of struggles our way that we will never truly be able to plan for, or avoid. How do we handle life’s day to day struggles? We must face our lives with dignity and strength. How though is this done? When our struggle is the nature of time itself, we must understand our lives are truly only in the present. 

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, that it would worry for itself. Our lives are the moments in which we live. Sure, we can plan for tomorrow, but it’s the here and now, we must truly focus on. The little muscle in your mouth, what is said, how does it make others feel? What kinds of hurt does the tongue cause, and the damage does it do once those words are sent into the air. We cannot undo, nor can we live in the past. We often get stuck in a moment in time of the past. When I was a younger man, I experienced trauma, after trauma, after trauma, and in my own way, unbeknownst to those around me, I too remained trapped in moments of time. As a child, I learned how to use compartmentalization for every incident I faced. In a moment of weakness, a total loss of control, I faced my own mortality. A moment in time, when for a second, time seemed to stop. In that moment, the culmination of my failures tumbled down like castles built on sand, drowning in a tidal wave of regret, disappointment, and pictures of the trauma running through my mind. My world fell apart in a moment in time. But, since then, small moments have built upon one, and then another, and eventually life changed, and we rest upon today, this very moment where I am typing one word after another. I have survived trauma, after trauma, and several life changing events. I have overcome some pretty big obstacles as I have faced death head on, and God pulled me through, not myself. I do not have the power to beat death, but God has the power, that in me, He overcame the death of a soul, and as far as my physical body, God has seen fit to bring me through the brink of death, now many times over. A few weeks ago, my heart stopped as I lay in bed, aware the pacemaker would stop, and aware the inevitable outcome would likely be my heart stopping, and I would feel it slow, the world around me would fade, and black would surround me. The brink of death was upon me, and I had no control over it. When the time comes in our lives, the end of that verse will play out, from dust we came, from dust we shall return. God knows the date each of us will be conceived, and He knows the date we will draw our final breath. It’s this knowledge we must face the truth, there are only two things that truly matter in this life, our faith in Christ, and the people in our lives. 

On a regular basis we neglect the people in our lives by the things we say, the things we do, or more aptly, the things we don’t do. In reality, do we love others the way we should? Do we show that love to the people we care about? Do we show up when they need us the most? How do we spend our days, and what do we spend our days doing? What is it we focus on? What is it we put our time and effort into? These things often not only take our gaze off of our so called loved ones, but our Lord also. We have so little precious time with our loved ones, and yet we are derelict in our affections. Not only do we have sin in our lives against a Holy God, that sin goes out against those in our lives. Is the idol in our lives appointments? Is the idol in our lives, sports, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, or something else? We often fill our lives with stuff, and it’s that stuff that takes our focus from God, and the people in our lives. We let these many distractions of the world remove us from the lives of the people we once cared for. Days turn to weeks, turn to years, and we’ve all of a sudden lost track of people we once loved. The years creep in between, and before you know it, a car accident, an illness, something makes all the stuff we filled our lives with seem worthless and meaningless. How did we let so much time go by before we reached out? How did we let so much time go by before we told that person how we felt? How do we let that much time go by without talking to God? Time is not an ally, it’s an enemy. We can neither reason with it, or do anything to buy more of it. When time is up, it’s up. What did we do with the time that was given to us? Did we use it wisely, or did we waist it? Did we use the time God gave to us to glorify Him, and to share His gospel, to grow the kingdom? If we are evaluated on our time management, how well do we score? When sharing the love of Christ is the card in which we are judged. 

This is not a new perspective of mine, but rather one that has presented itself to me multiple times in my life. Having so many near death experiences tends to do that to a person. The difference now, rather than in my past, is in my past, I was the victim of hardships, rather than the survivor of hardships. My surviving, is not of my own doing, but the will of God. The will of God in my life is that He be glorified in my trials. Much like Steven, or Paul, Joseph, or Moses, praising God in the storm is how they got through it. Today, in this time, many people only praise God when life is good, but the moment something takes away that good feeling, God becomes the enemy. The reality is, we face a very real enemy in our lives, and it isn’t God. We are in a battle, just one we cannot see. All around us there’s a battle for our souls, and our lives. Demons roam this world sewing chaos, deception, and dissension among the mortal men. Angels go around nurturing those in need, bringing peace, and comfort, wisdom, and guidance. The war for our souls is won in Jesus Christ, because the end of time is already written, but today, here and now, we are still in the battle. Do we stand ready to fight in the here and now, or do we allow the world to dictate terms? Do we fight for what God told us to do, by loving one another thus fulfilling the Law? We are to love, and love takes effort. Love takes nurturing a baby fire, or a raging fire, but always tending to its needs. If the fire is left unattended, just like my fireplace, the fire will go out. Love takes action, and when we love the people in our lives, it takes action to show them love. How do we show up for them? Is it a text, or a call, a visit, or a card in the mail? With today’s technology, we have never been able to reach out to someone more easily to keep in touch, yet we have never been more distant from one another. Our own brilliance has been used as a tool by the Devil to separate us. Sadly, it worked. 

If heart surgery has taught me nothing else, it’s to cherish every moment. I myself am not afraid to die, in fact, in many ways, I long for it. That is not me wishing it would come today, but knowing what my tomorrow brings is something I long for. To have a glorified body, without the pain, without the tears, or the suffering of this world, but to live in paradise with the creator of the universe. The problem with death for a believer, is the hardships your absence brings to those who loved you and those you love. Sadly, I have seen it too often where the death of a friend is the catalyst that brings people together. It’s death that brings friends and family together who haven’t seen one another in years, who haven’t talked in that time. Death reminds us for a fleeting moment, that we haven’t talked in forever. Yet, in our day to day, we do nothing to change it. My wish for you is to look at your life and seek after those whom you love. Do not take time for granted because it isn’t your friend. Time slows, nor stops for anyone, and it bends it’s will to only our creator. What are you doing with the time given to you? One day we will return to the dust in which we were created. We cannot fight our expiration date. We may be able to extend life, or even push death back a little, but even those things are predestined by a Holy God. My open-heart surgery did not take God by surprise, and it is not lost on me that given this happened 30 years ago, I would likely have died. I was predestined to experience everything over the last few weeks, and how I handled them, do my actions highlight Christ, yes, or no? This is the biggest question I must answer for. Am I showing, and sharing love? Are people my focus, or is it other things? All these things I will answer for, along with my sins upon the day of judgment. Today is not the day I die, but perhaps, it’s the day I die to myself. Scripture tells us to die to one’s self, pick up thine cross and follow Christ. Carry that cross for all the world to see. Let the world know that you die to yourself, allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell inside you. Bringing your soul to life from the dead man/woman, you were. Being born again, and realizing the true bondage is that of sin, and that through sin, the world has a hold on you. The world tells you a load of lies, and we live according to them. What it means to be successful, to be beautiful, to be liked, or respected, but the biblical replies do not match with that of the world. Following Christ means we live different, we look different, we act different, we become different then the world. Our priorities change, and with that change, our relationships begin to change. Let us never forget why we are to love, and let us never forget what it means to love. Love is to lay down ones life for a friend. Love is to love like Christ loved and died for the church. Love is to be patient and kind, never jealous, never bragging or being arrogant. It never acts unbecomingly, and does not seek to lift up ones self, but lifting up others. It is not provoking, nor is it provoked. It does not keep track of the wrongs done, but washes away the wrong as our sins are washed away as if the slate was made new. Love, loves and rejoices in the truth, as it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Do we truly have the guile to say we love others like this? Many cannot say they truly love their own spouses like this. Yet, this is what we are called to do. This is how scripture defines love. This is the love we are called to love one another and our enemies, yet the smallest argument ends friendships. We face an enemy that is crafty like no other, and he wants to destroy you, to break you, to separate you, and ultimately, to devour your spirit, separating you from God. Satan uses time as his ally, and a weapon against humanity. While he cannot control time and space, he can entice us to forsake friends and family, and ignore our responsibilities. Sadly, we allow this to happen time and time again. 

I hope you read this and you find the time for old friends, and existing ones. I hope you find the time for your family, your spouse, your kids, but most importantly, that you find the time for God. My prayer is that you will seek God daily, and you give God the time He deserves. I pray you let go of worldly things that do little for your life, but does a lot to pull you away from important things. I’m not saying it isn’t okay to have hobbies like bowling, or fishing, hunting, or other things, but use those things to grow your relationships, or use those things to grow closer to God. While you’re fishing do you talk with God? While your bowling, do you share Jesus with your team, or the team next to you? While your kids are at soccer, do you let Jesus flow from your behavior? Let us use the time we have better. Let us continue to seek Jesus, and then share Jesus. Let us love others like we are truly called to love one another. Let us remember who the true enemy is, and focus on preparing for battle, because make no mistake, the next battle is right around the corner. Those who do not prepare, will be unequipped to handle it. We must be ready to fight, to hold fast, and know the word, so when the temptation comes, you can be ready with the word of God. Whole Armor of God, a soldier ready for the battle and never out of the fight. We fight till the day the Lord calls us home. Till that day comes, may God bless you, and may the Holy Spirit fill you, and let your cup fillith over.  

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Christmas 2024

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Christmas 2024

This Christmas has been like none I’ve ever experienced. I have spent this beautiful holiday in far distant lands of sand, where there were enemies that wanted nothing more but to kill Americans. I was in a humvee that was struck by an IED on the 22nd of December. I’ve spent many Christmas’s away from home, from being in Europe, to distant states, but this year being away from home is completely different. This year I’m away from home because I sit in an CICU bed in my local VA hospital. Even though I’m here, and even though I find myself in considerable pain, I know that it’s still worth saying Hallelujah.

On Friday the 20th I was reading through my CT and X-Ray reports. I saw something in the report that raised a question. Hemopericardium- is a condition where blood accumulates in the pericardial sac around the heart. I sent a message on Friday, knowing I wouldn’t hear back till Monday. Sunday afternoon came and while a friend was visiting me at the house I begun feeling pain in the lower left flank of my back. Pain like this usually has equated to a kidney stone. After the pain got worse, the decision was made to go to the ED for tests and scans. I went back to the hospital where they began running urinalysis tests, but also a CT. The CT showed no kidney stone at all. The only thing it showed was an increase in the fluid around the heart. After several long hours I was sent home with the plan to take some meds for constipation.

Monday morning came and the phone rang early, it was a familiar voice, Alison, from my cardiac team. She was calling with some bad news. I needed to go to the VA immediately for more scans. To be specific it was an echocardiogram, to look at how much fluid there was around my heart. Was the heart being impeded? After an hour or so, I received a call back from Allison, the emergency department was ready for me, and so was a bed. I would be admitted right away. As the tears flowed from my eyes in the cafeteria, I found myself heart broken for my family, not for myself as much, but upset for them I wouldn’t be home for Christmas. How difficult it had been after heart surgery, and now this.

Later that evening I was prepped to have a drain tube installed on my heart. I’m no stranger to these tubes, for back in 2016 I had one placed for my lung to drain. With every breath the tube rubs on the ribs. With this particular tube it also rubs on the inside near the heart. This hurts to move, to breathe, and eat. Even with the IV medication to take the edge off, it still hurts all the time. I am unable to stand up, or move much, due to the risks to my heart being damaged by the tube. This has made for a long few days.

Today: is Christmas Day. What can we do when we are in the face of danger? What can we do when we don’t get what we want in this life? We rejoice, rejoice that our savior came as an innocent baby. Our savior grew to be a strong man, strong in wisdom, and faith, and lived a perfect life. That man willingly went to the grave, even though at the wave of a hand He could have summoned a legion of heavenly angels. He could have destroyed all those who would do him harm. At his own voice, those seeking to arrest him were knocked off their feet. The power that was sheathed that day, so we may have everlasting peace, is something we know very little about. We cannot truly fathom the power the prince of piece actually has. We do not know or understand the true nature of God’s power. We saw some of it displayed in the OT. But in reality, that’s still vailed.

Today on Christmas, I lay here in my bed, unable to move much, but I am thankful that a miracle came to me, and yet again saved my life. I’ve had a few miracles in just a short time, I cannot help but feel gratitude to a Holy God for his gracious and loving presence in my life. I have deserved none of this. God has shown up in my life while I have been unworthy of it. How could I repay a righteousness and Holy God? My works are filthy rags to the Lord, and yet, faith without works is nothing. James 2:17 We are saved by our faith, not by our works, but the works in our life is the fruit of our lives. We must continue to fight the good fight while we still have breath in our lives. We must continue to grow and be sanctified in the Lord. My life is spared, again, and here I am. There is no better Christmas gift than the gift of life. While my heart was silently being crushed by the blood in which that very heart was pumping, a random pain, and a random CT, saved my life. “In my experience there’s no such thing as luck” (Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars- A New Hope, 1977). What most people would see as luck I see as God’s providence, God’s sovereignty.

God has a plan for each of us, and for some people it’s to allow us to live the lives we want on this earth. Our earthly possessions, and aspirations are the only thing we’ll ever achieve. For others, who seek God’s face, and seek the kingdom of God, this world is fleeting, and only the mission field for an ambassador for the Lord. We who seek the Lord are soldiers on the front lines. We fight His fight and we never give up. Is this where I would have chosen to spend my Christmas? No, of course not. But I hope that while I was here I brought some smiles, and some Christmas joy to those around me. I hope I was able to show a little Jesus to those whom I encountered. Ultimately, no matter where we find ourselves, we must do our best to please the Lord. We must try our best to serve the Lord and put a smile on his face. Let us remember what the true meaning of Christmas is, and that’s the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. But while He was born, He didn’t stay a baby, He was raised by earthly parents, He lived, He grew, and when He reached His 30’s, He began His earthly ministry. He was crucified and died, was buried, and rose again on the 3rd day. Our hope rests in the fact that over 500 people saw the resurrected Jesus Christ. He was not some madman, or just some nice guy, He was certainly, no liar. He didn’t lie, and the Apostles who witnessed what happened didn’t die for a lie, they died for the truth. Let us see the truth, and let us live for the truth. Let us spread the truth, and know that nothing Satan can try to do will ever destroy what the Lord made.

Today let us celebrate Christmas, and let us say Happy Birthday Jesus.

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One Month Later 

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One Month Later 

It’s been a month since my open-heart surgery. Not yet a month for the pacemaker, but we’re coming up on that in a week. I can’t say with honesty that the recovery has gone very well. With the initial severe pain in my neck and shoulders, then the pacemaker, and the severe pain in the left shoulder, then the infection, the pain from the lead left behind over my stomach, it’s been difficult. The drive home from the hospital was marred with trouble, when the car broke down smoking. This later cost me almost three thousand dollars to repair, funds I don’t have. Even now I’m still on antibiotics fighting an infection. After getting home I started to sleep in the recliner, because I could get in and out easier than a bed. Then there was a problem with the fireplace chimney, which only just got fixed yesterday the 20th. Now, were finding the heater isn’t quite as efficient as consumers are led to believe. The amount of pellets it takes in just a few hours is staggering. So much so, that in the middle of the night, I woke to 30* temperatures, because the heater ran out of pellets. Let us not forget the sprained ankle from walking laps in the house without shoes. Let’s say the recovery, and rest I was hoping for has been far off from me. If I had to take a guess, I’d say Satan was playing with me, causing issues to see what I’d do. Am I as strong as I say? Where is my breaking point? To be honest, I don’t know. I’d like to think I’m strong, but I know my flesh is often weak. To say I have not been frustrated would be to speak falsely. I have struggled with my cough, with my limitations of not being able to take care of myself. It’s not an easy thing to go from independent, to dependent overnight. It’s also a difficult thing when you are in chronic pain after surgery for a long period of time. While I have hopes that this pain will eventually dissipate, in the back of my mind, I am preparing myself for the possibility it does not go away and get better. Right now, simple things like walking, hurt my shoulder. If walking hurts, how will I go hiking, or photography, or lightsaber dueling? Will I be able to work around the house without having pain in my shoulder and chest? I already have to deal with the cervical spine pain I often feel, adding to it would be fairly miserable.

Jesus tells us to take heart, that He has overcome the world, and in this life we would have troubles, but to know there is better for us. I know that I will endure troubles, even if it’s not in the way of religious persecution, I know there will be difficult waters ahead. A few months ago I wrote this “Many years ago, the dark nearly took me. I fell overboard when a rogue wave hit the ship so hard it jeered and I flew overboard. I thought for sure the waters would take me, but somehow, the Captain dove in and pulled me up. He said, ‘Your sailing days aren’t done yet.’ No more words were ever spoken about it, but I knew the Captain saw something in me that day. Didn’t have to risk Himself for me, but ever since, it’s felt like He’s kept a special eye on me.” (The Best Captain, The Arrow Preacher, May 28,2024: https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/05/28/the-best-captain/ ) 

I went on to say “He replied, “I am who I am. I am the way, the truth the life. I am the alpha and the omega. I am the Good Shepherd whom you’ve heard my voice. I am the Lion, and the Lamb. I am Emmanuel, I am Jesus, your Captain. And I’ve got you. Trust in me, and I will see you through to the end of the age, when I welcome you home, when we reach the shores of my Kingdom. You will then have rest. Till then, we’ve got work to do.” ((The Best Captain, The Arrow Preacher, May 28,2024: https://thearrowpreacher.com/2024/05/28/the-best-captain/ )

We must take each day as a gift, and while things may not be smooth sailing, trust that Jesus is still in control. He’s still at the right hand of the father interceding on your behalf, on my behalf. Satan is the real enemy, and he very much wants to destroy you, and damage your relationship with the father. What better way to make you so comfortable that you would give up Jesus for your comfort. Satan gives those what their heart desires, and sometimes God allows you to have what you truly want, and it looks like, and taste like the world. This is the only happiness some people will ever have, and they trade eternity, for comfort in this life. Would you still praise God with a gun to your head in an African country where the rebels seek to kill all Christians? Some people should think long and hard about where they truly place their heart. Me, as I said recently, I’m ready to go meet Jesus, but I know He’s kept me on earth for a purpose, and I’ll continue to fight the fight as His soldier, till the day I am called home.

Life is not easy, and it’s not meant to be easy. Jesus tells us it’s only by the narrow way, and few would enter it, to find salvation. The sad reality is not everyone will be saved, because they chose to follow their hearts flesh desires, and remain dead on the inside. They do not hear the calling of Jesus. What is it Jesus says? On that day many will come to me saying Lord, Lord, have we not prophesized in your name, and cast out demons in your name, done many works in your name? And Jesus replies, depart from me, you who practice lawlessness, I never knew you. What is your motive for preaching Jesus? Is it so people would look at you? Is it so you would get rich? Is it so you would have an ‘easy’ life? Indeed, the first thing you should say to Jesus upon facing Him, is Lord I am not worthy to be here, please forgive me, you are most high, and holy. It should be about the Lord, because it isn’t about us, it’s about what God does through us. It’s not about your pride, or my own pride, but rather what God works through your life, so HE gets the GLORY, not you. 

God has done such a mighty work in my life, it’s hard not to talk about it. There was a plan this fall to travel to the Philippines for Christmas. Had I gone, it was very possible my aorta could have ruptured and I die. Or my valve failed, and I died. Did God spare my family and friends the hardships of my death? See, I am not afraid of dying. I’m not opposed to it, and to be rid of this broken body, that’s always in pain. I’m not opposed to being set free from this life of poverty. I know however, my family and friends would be upset if something happened to me. God has a purpose in my life, and while I don’t know what that is, I know that I am to serve Him. I have a broad idea of what He wants me to do, and in part it’s this, writing, and doing my YouTube podcast. I have a place as head of my household to continue to be the spiritual leader. I have friends I minister to, and I help them navigate life in a Godly way. I may not be rich, or famous, and I may struggle financially, and I may live in a tent, but I know as long as I’m doing the Lords work, I will remain in His blessings, and my needs will be provided for. Make no mistake, while I do live in poverty, I do live in a tent, I make very little money in this economy, I cannot buy a new car, or purchase a home, I am still richly blessed. I may not live in a mansion somewhere, but I know that I have joy in my heart, for the Lord has blessed me with the miracle of life this Christmas. Can you count your blessings in your own life? Can you see what gifts God has given to you, that you could use to glorify Him? Are you seeking God with everything you are? Or, are you lazy, and apathetic about your walk with the Lord? We must rid ourselves of the worldly distractions, and focus on the Lord. So few of us read our bibles daily. So few of us pray without ceasing. When was the last time you prayed for others, and nothing for yourself? When was the last time you told anyone about Jesus? Do you adhere to the command to fulfill the great commission? To go and make disciples of all the nations and to baptize them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit? When was the last time you messaged your ‘friend’ you haven’t spoken to or checked on in months? We each have our own gifts, and we must learn to use those gifts to share Jesus with others. Why would we want to keep silent, knowing millions of people are headed for Hell when they die? Why wouldn’t we want to do what God has told us to do, and share the Gospel, the Good News, with anyone we can. I believe we can all do better doing this. I believe we must merely ask God to give us the spirit of courage we need, and to remove the fear we experience, to give us the strength to share Jesus with others. 

I have been saved many times by God, but this last one hits different. The path laid out nearly a year ago, that led me from one incident, to another, and another, and finally to open heart surgery is more than several coincidences. Remove any one of those stepping stones, and I don’t wind up at open heart surgery, and I could easily have died. One incident may be considered coincidence, but when you stack several in a row, that becomes a statistical improbability, so logic would dictate that there is a loving God, who looks after His sheep. There is a creator that designed this universe with care, and precision. There is an intelligent designer that is:

Omnipotence: God’s power to do anything

Omniscience: God’s knowledge of everything

Omnipresence: God’s existence in every place and time

We may not understand God’s ways, but He sees the entire photo, while we only see one small piece of the mosaic. We must learn to not only to obey God’s commands, but to trust in His plan, even when we don’t understand it. I do not know God’s plan for me, other than right now, I continue what I’m doing, but I do know, the more I walk with Him, the closer I’ll get, the better off I am, and the easier I’ll hear his message for me. I need to trust that if He wants me to do something, I must be willing to hear it. I do have faith in Jesus, that no matter if I’m in the middle of the storm, or if I’m lying on a beaching next to the ocean, or if I’m in the valley fighting for my life, Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to be right there with me. I also believe that we have Angels around us, invisible to us, to help minister to us. We cannot live our lives shaking our fist to the heavens asking why all the time. We cannot spend our lives angry at God, because some how we didn’t get our way. We cannot say what is good or bad, only how we act to stimuli. We must be faithful to God, and push away our temptation to sin. We must push away our lust of the flesh, and want of earthly treasures. We cannot allow money, or things, to become idols in our lives. We must not forsake our marriages for temporary flings. We must not forsake our family for work. The list of idols is long and could go on, but I think you get the point. We are to put away all our hate, and love of the flesh, with all malice. We must focus on God, and seek first His Kingdom. Are you ready and willing to make changes in your life to better serve God? Are you willing to take a look in the mirror and acknowledge your short comings, your sins? Are you willing to seek forgiveness in those you’ve wronged? Are you willing to ask forgiveness of a Holy God, whom you’ve sinned against? We must do more than just believe in God, for even the demons believe in God. We must obey God; we must love and seek God with all we are and all we have. We must study the bible without placing yourself in the story. We must properly study the Word of God, and do what’s called exegesis, rather than Eisegesis: the practice of interpreting a text by inserting one’s own ideas, biases, or agendas into it. We must be willing to forsake all other things, if He asked it of us. What are you willing to do to serve an all mighty and holy God? At the very least, are you ready to praise and worship the king of kings, and the lord of lords? Emmanuel with us, the Lion of Judah, the Prince of Peace, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. I am grateful to have been given life, and in the midst of the storm, the hard, long road, it truly is a hard fought hallelujah. 

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The Week My Heart Stopped

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The Week My Heart Stopped

First of, I’m a 40 year old male, with no history of heart problems. My story is one that highlights the power and sovereignty of God. I suppose to understand, one must venture to the beginning, as to fully grasp the situation. The details are an important part of the story. June 19th was the last day of VBS (Vacation Bible School) at church. One of the youth, and a kid I’ve known for many years approached me with a challenge, a foot race. Having a bad knee, and knowing I’m not supposed to run, it’s odd that I accepted his challenge to begin with. A few months prior I had found out I had a hernia on the right side of my groin. One more reason to say no, but I didn’t. Against what would have been better judgement, I said okay. The foot race commenced and I won. A victory over someone, someone so young, was short lived as the next day I was in the hospital. That hernia decided to bulge, leaving me unable to walk. When the doc came in to ‘fix’ it, I was grateful. The conversation ended with me going along with what turned out to be double ingroinal hernia surgery. Not one but two hernias. This would not take place till October however, so I had the rest of the summer to enjoy.

The hernia surgery came on the 28th of October. It was a quick surgery and a success. That is, till a single day later when the gas from the surgery migrated up to my right shoulder, causing significant pain. During the CT scan, something odd was seen, not of the gas but with my heart. My Aorta was not the right size. I was sitting in my room waiting for the doctors and when one came in, it would quickly become a whole ordeal. Several more doctors from different departments would grace my bedside. A plan was being formulated for priority open heart surgery. How did I go from hernia surgery to open heart surgery in a day? It turned out, that my aorta root was a bit larger than it should. Surgery threshold is 5.5 cm, but my root measured around 6.3. As it turned out, I had what is known as a ‘Bicuspid’ valve. When someone has this defect, their muscles, and ligaments can sometimes be super stretchy. Could this be the problem with my neck and my knee? Perhaps. Surgery would be set for Nov 22nd. Just less than a month later after hernia surgery. The amount of scans and tests I had to do in the meantime kept me very busy. Unfortunately I was not able to prepare everything for the heart surgery as I had attempted to do for the hernia surgery. Being the man of the house meant I did the heavy lifting. Planning for two months was not only expensive, but took a great deal of thought. Going into hernia surgery I felt prepared to be limited for a while. Going into heart surgery left me feeling wholly unprepared.

The 22nd came, and my nervousness showed in all my blood pressure tests. The morning was early, and I had once again found myself in surgery safety prep on the fourth floor of the VA hospital in Durham NC. Some familiar faces graced my bedside as I was shaved from my shoulders to my feet. I had already had to shave my beared the night before which was difficult, and I shaved my head as well, completely changing the way I looked just 24 hours prior. Long thin hair, and a long beard, now gone. Surgery prep seemed to go pretty quick this time. Before I knew it, most of my team was at my bedside for one final walkthrough of my case. The heart model I took for them to sign was signed, my last will and testament was submitted, and i was as ready as I could be.

Four hours was all the time the doc needed to replace my aorta root, the valve, and stem. A rock star of the aorta valve replacement world. A surgery that would normally take 8 hours he did in 4. That night they would start to wake me up, and I remember still having the ventilator tube down my throat. At first I was okay, but the longer they took to remove it, while I was awake, the more I began to panic. My mind said get it out, even though it was doing the breathing for me, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. The tube was removed, and my memory foggy. I remember family being at my bedside, and a friend. The meds I was on, quickly put me back to sleep, till I was awoken the next morning to walk. Having multiple chest tubes, and an external temporary pacemaker, It took everything I had to get out of bed. I gripped my heart pillow with all the minuscule strength I had. Finally they got me up, I walked, and then I was back to the chair. In reality, I don’t remember much except being silly with my friend who was there, and my supportive bride. The medication they had me on was pretty strong and kept me in a fairly high state. By Tuesday, it seemed there might be something wrong. My heart wasn’t responding to being woken up. Test after test showed my heart was not responding and not functioning on it’s own without the pacemaker. Wednesday came, and the test was a 12 lead EKG, while they turned off the pacemaker. Essentially, they needed to see what was wrong, and what my heart was doing.

Wednesday, five days after heart surgery. The room was cleared so no one would see what happened, at my request. The leads were attached, and the nurse held my hand. The EKG started. Then, the countdown began, 3…2…1… and the pacemaker was turned off. My eyes couldn’t stay open, as I lost consciousness. My heart stopped. The test only kept the pacer off for 3 seconds, but for those 3 seconds, my heart stopped, and I was aware of it. I could feel the lightheadedness, the lack of oxygen flowing through my body. I could feel my body giving up the fight to stay awake. Within moments, I regained semi consciousness, and a few moments later it was better, but tears flowed down my face. How could life had come to this? By Friday I was scheduled to have a pacemaker installed. I am only 40 years old, and I have an artificial heart valve, and a device keeping my heart pumping. How could life have come to this? The answer is simple really, and can be found in scripture.

As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

— John 9:1-3

This wasn’t something God was doing to me, but something God saved me from. After a talk with one of my surgeons, I would find that the valve could have failed at any time. The valve description used was ‘gnarly’. So, in reality, both the valve, and the root were ticking time bombs. The root could have dissected, split open at any time. My plans were to be in the Philippines for Christmas this year. Instead I found myself having this surgery. God, has been in the details all year. From the original finding of the hernia, to the foot race, forcing my hand for surgery, to the gas going into the chest, which was fairly uncommon, to the incidental finding of my aorta on a scan not looking specifically at my heart. These things are too many coincidences to be considered coincidences. If the universe were truly chaos and random, then the odds of this many events culminating in life saving surgery, would be unlikely. But, that’s not how an Almighty God works. God saved my life, again. While my recovery has been difficult, and having the pacemaker adds extra challenges, the truth is, I was given the gift of life for Christmas.

This revelation of God’s sovereignty and grace, does not take away the hardships of heart surgery. It doesn’t take away the emotions left behind in it’s wake. When your body feels foreign, and broken, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Yes, I am bored at home, and walking is a challenge because there is no place good to walk inside. Being too cold outside, has made recovery a challenge. Having to put my car in the shop the day after being released from the hospital, and having a $3000 dollar car repair, right before Christmas, has left me feeling a bit down. The Devil has thrown much at me since my time home from the hospital. It isn’t just the body that needs to heal after this kind of surgery, but the mind as well. I have found myself struggling needing help with everything I do. I have felt like a burden, a waist of time, weak. I have felt sorry for myself a time or too also. The struggle to do what is necessary for the recovery of mind and body is not one easily found where I live. I live too far from the local mall to walk. We have no recreation centers with indoor tracks. We have no large stores other than a small Walmart and a Lowe’s which neither sound appealing to walk. I have some ideas I may implement soon, money though is the question. I know the Lord provides all we need, I question if something is a need or a want.

I am slowly recovering physically, but I do believe the recovery is still a long ways away. God being in the details gives me hope that there is a reason for His saving my life yet again. The time bomb in my chest was diffused, and I now have time to do whatever the Lord wishes. Both the valve and the root could have given way at any moment, but God stopped me from going across the world, to have this surgery, and I know there has to be a reason. I don’t know why God gave me this pace maker, but this too is part of the Lords plan. I have said before, ‘all we can do with the time given to us is choose how we reply to each moment of our lives.’ We don’t have a say in what happens to us much of the time. We can’t change what people say or do in our lives, except try to live as Godly as possible. Living for Christ, and making decisions based on what we think would be pleasing to Him is truly all we can do.

It astounds me to think just a few weeks ago my entire chest was cracked open, exposed to the world. My heart was in the hands of a stranger. The gift of life this Christmas came at the hands of God. God didn’t have to give us warning something was wrong. God could have just taken me home. For whatever reason, God saw fit to save my earthly life, and here I am fighting the good fight for the Lord of Lords still. God works in mysterious ways for sure, and while I do not know why it is God has seen fit to save my life, yet again, I will continue to serve the best I can. Sometimes it’s hard to raise a hallelujah. Sometimes it’s all we can do do get out those words to praise a Holy God. Sometimes the world has done a number on us, and we’re down on our knees for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the voice of God through the noise of the world. Sometimes it’s a storm tossed ship, wrecked and ravaged by the nature of this world. It’s in these moments, that we must raise the hallelujah. It’s these times we must praise God even more, and turn to Him for guidance and peace. Sometimes it’s a hard fought hallelujah, but in the battle we know it doesn’t belong to us. We know that Jesus already won the battle. The mighty victory cry he cried on the cross, ‘tetelestai’, or it is finished. This single word is more than just it is finished, but rather, the contract is complete, the battle is completely won, the bill is completely paid for. This was used in business, the debt is fully paid, judgment in court, sentence fully served, and the battle is fully won. How great is it to know that Jesus won our battles. The battle today is not of my own, or your own. We bare the cross yes, but Jesus already won the battle. The story we are in is already complete and will one day end. We see the battle, but Jesus sees our victory. When we see the deep valley, Jesus sees the triumph at the end of the road. We must take our troubles, and sorrows to the one who can do something about it, our Lord, our Savior, Jesus the Christ. We fight not against flesh and blood but in the spiritual realm of our souls. The Devil may break our bodies, he may attack our stuff, but what remains behind is our souls. Prayer is often underutilized. We often forget we have the ability to talk directly to the sovereign of the universe. We will suffer in this world, this was promised. Being a Christian, being a member of ‘the way’ is not one for the faint of heart. Jesus told us in scripture, it would take everything we have. Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.” To pick up your cross meant to die to yourself. To do so publicly as the world would see you carry your cross. It meant to be ostracized by society. It meant to kill away your sins inside yourself daily. To give up your own pride, and your own selfish ambitions, to give your life to the Lord, and to do so publicly, unafraid. We are told the path to the Father is a narrow one, and many would rather chose or walk the wide path of destruction.

Life is going to be full of hardships, and despite those hardships, Jesus won our battle. Jesus fought the fight, and won. He defeated sin, and we have eternal hope. People want to talk about love is love, but true love is telling someone the truth. Jesus said he didn’t come to unite, but to divide us. The truth is, 2000 years ago, the Devil lost his fight when Christ became victorious over death. We have not seen the last of the war, but we know that Christ wins the war. People often think of Jesus as sweet baby Jesus, or hippy Jesus. The truth is, when Christ comes back, it will not be for earthly peace. When Jesus returns, it’ll be to bring righteous war upon the world that has rejected Him, in His perfect judgment for the sins of the world. We do not know the time of His return, but we are called to be ready for it. Jesus will return, sword in hand, and with the legions of Angels He commands, will fight to destroy the remaining evil in the world. The bowl judgments will pour out upon humanity, the trumpets will sound, and eventually God will reverse creation, wiping out all what we know, and He will rebuild. Jesus, the Lion of Judah, is not a hippy love is love Jesus. Jesus said, if you love me you will follow my commandments, so we are to love God’s commandments, and not just the ones we like. Is this life hard? It sure is, but we have a God who understands. We have a God that put on flesh to understand our sufferings. Count it all joy my brethren when you endure trials. Swords must be tempered in fire. Gold purified in the fiery furnace. Steel for everything we use is forged. Why would we be any different? Jesus told us the truth, that this life is hard. He loved us enough to show us the truth in His sacrifice. It would be easy if Jesus said, ‘you’re life would be a piece of cake’. That however wouldn’t be the truth. Some so called pastors say this, but it’s a lie from the Devil. We are soldiers, so let us soldier up, and get back into the fight. When the Devil starts shooting those arrows at you, cover behind the shield God gave you. Then when the time is right, spring forward, sword raised high, and push forward. We are soldiers on the battlefield, and it’s full of death, destruction, hardships, but we have the might of God, and the Angels on our side. Keep fighting, because inside you is a roaring lion. The spirit of God, the spirit of courage, bravery, and a spirit of hope, we are soldiers in this life. Fight on, and never quit. The truth of God is all around us, we just have to look around. We see His truth in the complexity of the plants, animals, our own bodies, the universe. We will emerge victorious, because Jesus is victorious.

God saved my life, and I know that I’ve been saved by the blood. I’ve been given life, and I will not let the Devil win. I will not let the demons whispering in my ear to quit, win. I will not stop preaching and teaching His mighty word. I will crawl if I have to, but I’ll keep going. My life is in God’s hands, and I was a soldier in this earthly life, I am a soldier for God, and my family I will keep my Armor tight, and show them, not my strength, but the strength God has given to me. I am saved, born again, washed by the water. Hallelujah to my Lord, this is a long hard fought Hallelujah. Let God have the Glory in my life. Why am I going through these hardships? So God would be glorified through it. Let us turn to God and show him the praise and worship, only He deserves. One day I will be recalled from this duty station. One day, the Lord will say my watch is over. One day Jesus will tell me, well done soldier, now rest. One day I will take up residence where I truly belong. One day, I will see what I’ve been fighting for this whole time. I long for that day, but for now, I will serve God faithfully here. I will fight for my family. I will be the spiritual head of my home. I will fight back against the Devil, I will resist with all my might, and protect my family. My service isn’t over yet, and God saving my life, not once, not twice, but three times or more, tells me He still has plans for me. Into the battle, He’s prepared my fingers for war. Let us pick up the shield, the sword, and let us go do some work. Fight the good fight soldiers of Christ, your not done yet.

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Wake UP

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Wake UP 

As most of you know, well, maybe not most, but anyone who knows me, knows I love the movie the Matrix, and not just the movie, but the whole series. The women in the red dress speech, speaks to the reality that is repentant sinners, verses, unrepentant sinners. I have said before, the only difference between myself, and Hitler, is that I am a repentant sinner, and he was not. Sure, I’m not a homicidal madman bent on world conquest, but I am a sinner, and at the foot of the cross, our sins have the same equal heavenly punishment; eternal damnation in Hell. I saw someone post recently, why does God allow animals to suffer since they have no sin. That’s a fantastic question, but simple to answer; animals were the care of Adam and Eve, along with the plants in the Garden of Eden. Sin, is not just what we do, but a corrupting force that affected not just Adam and Eve, but the plants and animals also. There was no death in the garden, but an animal had to die to for God to make garments of skin. I think many people believe they had tree branches for clothing, but scripture is clear. An animal suffered the first physical death because of what Adam and Eve had done. Time also entered the Earth. The decay of time begun, and since then, we are all slaves to it, and we are all victims to the sad decay that time brings. Sin, brings this upon us, and sadly animals while innocent, have a new nature in the world of sin. As a friend and pastor once said, in the Garden you could have had a pet raptor, now that raptor would eat you. But in today’s current world, you see a lion is no longer tame, but a predator. Sin has wide reaching effects upon this fallen world. 

I have been looking at my life and have thought recently, I would wake up from this nightmare. Finding out just a couple short weeks ago, that my Aorta is dangerously large, and would require immediate surgery, has been a waking nightmare. I have, in that short time, experienced many emotions and have lost an untold number of tears. How could this be happening to me? As a friend told me recently, “I’ve never seen anyone with a worse hand delt to them.” That same friend years ago said, “IF it wasn’t for bad luck bro, you wouldn’t have any luck at all.” I have begun thinking about what he said, and while on the surface it looks true, I think there’s more going on than that. It wasn’t luck that we found the Aorta; it was God. It wasn’t luck that I had the hernia that led to the surgery, that led to the gas in my chest, that led to us finding the Aorta, it was God. Lucky, or God? If I had only bad luck, would I have not just died some random time? There is no denying, I have endured more hardships than most people, but God has seen me through each of them. At no point was I ever alone, and going all the way back to my childhood, God has placed the right people in my life, to help me through hardships. Bad luck, or Godly providence? It wasn’t luck we (My squad) survived the ambush in Iraq, it was God’s providence. What does providence mean? I’m glad you asked, Providence means: the protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power. (Dictionary.com) It was not luck I survived the GSW in 2016, but God’s providence. In that lowest time of my life, I found myself looking up, and there was the Lord’s hand, to grab me and bring me to life. I had been trying my whole life to keep one foot in the bible, and the other in the world. I was trying to live both lives, and eventually a battle had to happen in my life, and forced me to kill off one side. That bullet, for all intense in purposes, that bullet killed the other side of me. The saving grace from God, and the forgiving nature, was supernaturally experienced, as I lay there dying in the ambulance, I was hearing the voice of God, in a thunderous reply to my sincere apology for my actions and wrong doings, “You’re Forgiven.” I awoke a new man. Today, I am now 48 hours from life changing surgery. Through all these hardships, it is not luck that has allowed me to survive, but God’s grace, and His divine plan. My hardships have not been to punish me, but rather to forge me in the fires of trials, so that I may have a glorious divine testimony. God works out the details, and if we just take a moment to seek His face, we would see Him working in our lives. But, it requires trust, and faith. 

The life I have lived, while difficult, has left me with a great understanding of God’s grace, and sovereignty. It is this sovereignty that gives me hope, because I know, that no matter what happens to me in this life, my soul is His. I am merely a clay pot for God’s choosing and purpose. No matter what happens to me in this life, I know that into his hands, my soul is His, and one day this broken body, will be upgraded to one of glory, adorned with a crown. I long for home, but know that as long as I draw breath, God’s plans for me are to continue to share the Love of Christ, the Holy Scripture in which He has left us, to live our lives by. My whole purpose is to be the hands and feet of God. What an honor it is to serve the Lord on high. What an honor it is to be given the opportunity to teach about Jesus, and His life, and for myself to learn and grow closer to God. I am nobody without God, but because of God, I have value. My value comes from God dwelling within me, otherwise I am a dead sinner. God didn’t come to earth because I have value, God came to earth so I would have value. God has shown me the nature of humanity, the depravity that curses our actions, our thoughts, the blackness upon our souls. But with the blood of Jesus, we see that blackness washed away. We see the change in a person as they are born again, when they accept the name of Jesus, repent of their once wicked ways, and takes up their cross daily to follow Jesus. What an honor it is to be chosen by God, to be predestined, to be counted among the few, to worship, honor, and bring Him glory. How can I complain about a heart surgery, when I cannot say with certainty what is good or bad in this life. I do not mean what is good or bad regarding sin nature, but that which happens to us, from breaking ones arm, to getting into a firefight in Iraq, to losing a wife to an affair. There is certainly difficulty in these things, but for us to say if something is good or bad, we cannot. Things direct our path, and we cannot say if one event is bad, because if that “bad” event pushes us towards a new path, one of peace, and prosperity, or even a sinner repenting and coming to Jesus, then, those things are not bad, they are just, things. Sin is bad. How we respond can be good or bad. Do we respond in a way that is of this world? Things like yelling, throwing tantrums, saying or doing hurtful things to people. Being selfish, or prideful. These things are bad because they are not of God. Good, is being patient, listening before speaking, being faithful, edifying and lifting up with our words. Allowing ourselves to do good works in the name of Christ, so He is glorified, not so we may receive credit, but that God gets the glory. These things are good. 

I have come to find, that even though I am a faithful follower of Christ, that does not mean my mind always cooperates the way I think it should. I have found myself struggling with emotions leading up to this surgery. Some fear, not of death, but that I will be a burden for others to take care of. Even being a burden for someone else to take care of, allows others to be the hands and feet of Christ. Things like this, allows others to be the hands and feet of Christ, through mercy, and grace, love; by ways of sending cards, food, gifts, messages, etc. What looks bad, may be a way for us to show our faithfulness to a Holy God. Following Jesus is not an easy thing, in fact, it’s darn hard sometimes. Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength I have to say Hallelujah. Sometimes the storm shakes and breaks me down, but even when the storm rips the sails, and I’m at the mercy of the waves, I say Hallelujah. When Satan’s attacks are more than I can take, and I’m down on the ground, bleeding, tired, that’s when even my whisper brings the legion of Angels sent by God to surround me and pick me back up. God is always faithful, and no matter what happens in this life to us, God deserves our praise, our worship, our song of Hallelujah. When it isn’t easy, and life truly is pounding upon your Armor of God, may the Holy Spirit, and the legion of Angels come to minister to you, the reinforcements waiting for the word from God to come to your side, if they aren’t already there. It may be the hardest thing in the world to go through, but what is a few 70-90 years of hardships to an eternity of Heaven? Do we think Christ didn’t go through hardships? Let us seek scripture; John 12:27- “Now My soul has become troubled; and what shall I say, ‘Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify Your name.” Then a voice came out of heaven: “I have both glorified it, and will glorify it again.” So the crowd of people who stood by and heard it were saying that it had thundered; others were saying, “An angel has spoken to Him.” Jesus answered and said, “This voice has not come for My sake, but for your sakes. Now judgment is upon this world; now the ruler of this world will be cast out. And I, if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to Myself.” But He was saying this to indicate the kind of death by which He was to die. The crowd then answered Him, “We have heard out of the Law that the Christ is to remain forever; and how can You say, ‘The Son of Man must be lifted up’? Who is this Son of Man?” So Jesus said to them, “For a little while longer the Light is among you. Walk while you have the Light, so that darkness will not overtake you; he who walks in the darkness does not know where he goes. While you have the Light, believe in the Light, so that you may become sons of Light.”       These things Jesus spoke, and He went away and hid Himself from them.

— John 12:27-36

Jesus became burdened knowing His time was soon to come, the purpose of his human life was nearly at hand. A burden we can know nothing of since we have never tasted Heaven. A burden of leaving perfection for this sinful place. Jesus, a perfect person, lived among hardships, illness, suffering, and He Himself, knowing Heaven, it must have been difficult to live in such conditions. Knowing he would undergo a death so hard, we cannot fathom the pain he endured. For an infinite being to taste death, the first time the forever trinity would see just what death was like, is more than any mortal being can understand. Our time is linier, but Jesus would be both God and man at the same time. Jesus would later bleed through His pours as he would sweat blood from the stress He was preparing to endure. Our savior Jesus Christ, knows our struggles. He has endured them as well, so here we are, preparing for hardships in our own lives, let us focus on Him. 

The struggle keeps us focused on God, so we would not become too prideful, or self-focused. Hardships build character, and perseverance. Let us seek God and I can think of no better way to say this than which has already been said. 

Hard Fought Hallelujah. 

I’ll bring my hard-fought heartfelt

Been-through-hell hallelujah

I’ll bring my storm-tossed, torn-sail

Story to tell hallelujah

God, You’ve been patient

God, You’ve been gracious

Faithful whatever I’m feeling or facing

So I’ll bring my hard-fought, heartfelt

It is well hallelujah

I’ve wrestled with the darkness

But I’m trying to reach for the light

Yeah, the struggle keeps me honest

And it breaks down the walls of my pride

‘Cause faith isn’t proven like gold

‘Til it’s been through the fire

Yeah, yeah

My head, heart and hands are feeling heavy

And that’s when I lift them just a little higher

Let us remember that no matter what we endure, what is this trouble when heaven is forever? 

1 Peter 5:10 “10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” We are being refined daily, sanctified to purify us like the gold, placed in the fire, to separate the world, from the Holy. It is well, with my soul, that these hardships, the fire I endure, the storms that rage on around me, should bring me to God, to seek his Glory, to seek His face, to let him continue to forge me like a beautiful sword, needing to be heated, beaten, shaped, forged in the fires of trials, to be prepared for the war waging all around me. I may shed tears, but God holds them in His hands. I may struggle at times, but His strength raises me up. I may fall, but His hand pulls me out of the water. I may be in the middle of the fire, but His presence stops me from being burned. I may be a prisoner to my sinful self, but His angels comfort me, and break the bonds that once kept me captive to this world. So, let us seek God, and know that our tomorrow is not of this world, but a beautiful place where there is no sin, no tears, no suffering. So, in leu of this hardship, it is well, with my soul. My heart beats, and will beat again. I will have a story to tell, to share, and I shall not allow the Devil to lie to me, to sway me, to belittle me, to bully me into feeling sorry for myself. I am a child of God, and I am a warrior for Christ. I will stand tall, I will heal, and I will carry on the fight. I will hold my ground, even if I’m battered, and bruised, even if my body is broken, I will dig in and hold fast this line, because God is in my corner, and if God is for me, who than can be against me? I’ve been through hell, but to Jesus I say Hallelujah. Thank You, Jesus for my hardships, and for being Lord in and over my life. It is well, with my soul. 

Let us wake up and see the nature of this life and though there is sin in this world, it is those we seek who seek answers in this life. Those willing to be unplugged from the world, let us share the Gospel so the truth may find those who Jesus has chosen. Let us be warriors for Jesus, to wake up those asleep, for it is only God’s word that can wake the sleepers. God’s word is power, and let us share the Gospel of peace, and know that Jesus overcame death, so we would live in his resurrection. This world is a minefield, but the word of God never returns void, so let us be warriors, soldiers for the Lord. Change comes from the Spirit. We cannot remain the same when the spirit awakens our hearts and it beats again. We cannot live in sin and Jesus at the same time. Wake up, oh sleeper, wake up and see your breath Jesus has given to you. With all malice put away your sinful self. Cut that sin out of your life, and be at peace in the Lord. Wake up and feel the change within your heart. Wake up, and know it is well, with your soul. 

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Abba

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Abba

The days come and go, and while they do, all I can do is manage my actions in each instance. In my life as I have experienced one major trial after another, I have grown closer to God. I have no control over tomorrow, all I have control over is how I respond. Is the way I respond glorifying to God? Does how I respond bring pleasure to my Abba Father? When I face Christ at the judgment seat, I have no excuse to give. While I am preparing for the biggest surgery of my life, I have to face the truth up front. 

I have often looked back in the recent days, at my life. My days of military service has been on my mind. I look back at my injuries and wonder if they are the result of a gene that caused this bicuspid valve. My knee injury in 2005, was this a result in a weakened muscle group? What about the three hernias I’ve had; are they a result of this gene? While I will not likely get an answer to this, I know that regardless of the cause, I must handle and manage my emotions, my responses and actions, in the midst of these trials. 

I was told recently that my relentless positivity is enjoyed. I have not felt very positive recently due to the amount of tears I have shed. I have tried to maintain a positive outlook, and while I stumble, I am picking myself up. My emotions have been intense recently. As i get older I find myself more accepting of Gods plan. Tomorrow is already written, and I cannot alter God’s plan. Yes we have our free will as far as how we respond to stimuli. God gives power, God gives opportunity, God gives us choices. Do we take the fruit or not. Do we scream, or talk in a calm edifying voice? Because I am becoming more aware of myself, and where I fit in to this world, I find myself more at peace. 

Peace in life despite the absolute hardships I have endured, is not due to my own actions, but a change within my heart, a gift from the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is where true Godly change comes from. While I was in Iraq, during the ambush on September 12th, while being shot at and attacked, I felt peace. Explosions were going off around me, RPG’s flying all over, barely missing my truck, I felt peace. When the Mk-19 failed and my gunner had to use his M-16, with no cover, I was at peace. When it looked like we may be stopped, and if we stopped we’d be an easy target, I was at peace. This peace resembles what I feel today. Where does this peace come from? It’s either the Holy Spirit, or an angel by my side, or both. We know that God sends the angels to minister to believers. We also know that the Holy Spirit rests within the hearts of believers. How can I be at peace? No matter what I’m going through, I know God is still on His throne, and in control over my life. I just have to relinquish control to God. I need to let Him take the wheel and sit back and do what I’m commanded to do. My life, I must focus on God first. Then, I must take care of my family, and friends. I must do my blog, and podcast, because God has given me a platform to share the Gospel. So, what is the Gospel? 

The Gospel is the good news of Jesus Christ. The Gospel is we are sinners and we must recognize this. We must look to Jesus and believe. We must look to Jesus, believe, and obey his commandments. What is the first commandment? Mark 12:30-31 30 and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” We must recognize the need for a savior because our heart is wicked. Our souls are filthy, and there is nothing we can do to fix or change this. Jesus, is the only one capable of cleansing our hearts. We are sinners, and the wages of sin is death. Romans 6:23 “23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” We are not forced into this decision, and therefore, God sends no one to Hell. Our nature does that, and there are no repentant or sorrowful people in Hell. They continue to hate God, and like I have used in the past, they are like Anakin on the edge of the lava field, yelling at his friend, his brother, “I hate you”. We are wicked, and our nature is total depravity. We are born this way, and the proof is found within young children. We do not have to teach them to hit their parents. We do not have to teach them to lie about simple things. We do not have to teach them not to share. We can see the nature of a child is to be rebellious. As a prominent pastor once said, “vipers in diapers.” Our sin nature is on display in children, and we must teach them to tell the truth, to share, not to hit. We are blessed that God is merciful and does not cast down judgment right away for our transgressions. We are blessed that God’s love gives us a chance to believe in Jesus as savior. 

Growing up I found peace in God’s house. I went to a Catholic Church and while I now disagree with much of the Catholic church’s teaching today, I had a strong feeling about God, and feeling comfortable in the church, I often didn’t want to go home. Church was my safe space. I attended the adult sessions, and I found myself fascinated by Jesus, and I wanted to know everything I could. As I got older I drifted a little, but still held my faith in Jesus and God. I considered myself a good Christian, in fact for a while I called myself a good Catholic. In reality, I wasn’t, but at the time, I didn’t know that. When I returned to the US, I found myself going to an Episcopal church. I felt like I fit in at church. Within a year I moved to North Carolina and eventually found myself a small town Baptist church. In reality this small town church saved my life. My eternal soul was on the line, and what I was missing was actual biblical teaching. I couldn’t see it, but I had a head knowledge of Jesus, but not a heart knowledge. At the time I would have probably fit in with the Matthew 7 crowd, where Jesus says depart from me. I grew up with Catholic beliefs and it was works based. I completed my communion, I completed my confession, and I thought that meant I was good, and I was saved. Sadly, I believe many think this and may be eternally doomed because of it. Over time I learned it wasn’t about what I had done, but rather, it would be something the spirit does within me. I must have repented and believed in Jesus. Only then would the spirit change my heart from stone, a dead man, to a heart of flesh, a living man, reborn in Christ. It wasn’t that the Baptist church was superior, but it merely taught the Bible. It was never about the things I had done, it was always about my heart and where I placed my hope. I can remember the day. I was in crisis as my home was falling apart. I had continued to try and do things my own way, and I was never worried about asking God, or even doing it His way. It wasn’t till I had reached rock bottom in my life, that I realized I needed God. I didn’t just need Him for that particular Crisis, no, I needed God for everything I do in my life. I needed God’s forgiveness, His sovereignty, His grace, and Mercy. I needed to learn to be like Christ and the only way to do that was to surrender my life to Him. It was then, I found my path, and what God wanted me to do. I would preach and teach His word. I would dive in and stay swimming in the holy scripture. I would focus on God in my life in every aspect of it. Whatever you eat or drink, what ever you do, do for the glory of God. I found my purpose in this world, and it’s to praise the Lord, to worship the Lord, and to share His Holy Gospel every chance I get. Even though my life has been difficult, and especially difficult since 2016, my living in a tent full time, my needing open heart surgery, the loss of friends, I am more at peace than ever before in my life. My belief in Jesus isn’t just a blind belief, but one based on incontrovertible evidence. All the evidence points to Jesus Christ being who he said he was. No one, not one single person dies for what they know to be a lie. If it were a lie, and Jesus didn’t rise from the dead, one the few people who followed him would have stopped if he didn’t rise. Two, the people who followed him, would not have knowingly, and willingly died gruesome deaths. The miracles that came from Christ, and then those from his closest followers, would have been ousted as a lie, and Rome would have destroyed the movement. Because what Jesus did was true, and he was the Son of God, the long awaited messiah, the movement known as “the way” survived, and now thrives. Jesus fulfilled every prophecy and the odds of one man doing that is impossible, but because he is who he said he is, it’s truth. No one, not even his enemies refuted the miracles he performed. Only that he claimed to be God. And if he hadn’t performed the miracles, and claimed to be God they would not have been able to crucify him under the law, but because he is who he said he is, he indeed died on the cross, was buried, and indeed rose again, since his body was no longer in the tomb. For which, the Romans searched for, attempted to ascertain the truth. But, Jesus was gone, no longer buried in a cold, rock tomb, but risen. Christ would show himself risen to the world. He would make himself seen to over 500 people. No one could deny what they saw at the time. The once fearful apostles, that hid from everyone, stood bold in the town square and preached the name of Jesus to everyone. They were put in jail and still preached. They were beaten and still preached. One by one, they were murdered, and yet, they still preached. This does not happen, if Jesus died and they were lying the whole time. The risen Christ galvanized the 11 followers of Jesus, and then the rest to come. Jesus, the Lord of Lords, had risen, just as he predicted and promised he would. 

As my surgery approaches, it is this truth that has given me hope. I am a character living in God’s story. History, is His Story. I am just a character in His story, and my hope for my life is simply this, in all I do, do to please and glorify God. I just want to make my Abba proud of me. I cannot control tomorrow; all I can control is how I respond today. Let us go and keep our focus on God. Let us seek first the kingdom of God. Let us put our hope in the Lord Jesus, and have faith that He is with us. Even as he was with those three brave men in the fiery furnace, and he was with Daniel in the lions den, he is with us. As he was with David fighting a giant, and of course the promise from Jesus himself. I am with you always, even to the end of the age. We may not always like what approaches us, but in reality we don’t know the truth behind good and bad. Our perception of good and bad is based on the outward stimuli in our lives. Our sense of good and bad is based on how this stimuli affects us. We want to be happy, and we expect a certain sense of homeostasis. Anything that makes us uncomfortable, or anything that provides us pain. Anything that gives us grief, or goes against what we want in our life, we deem as bad. Is my needing heart surgery bad? While most would say, having a spouse have an affair is bad, but in reality, sometimes God uses such things to point us in a different path. Years later we often look back and what once was the worst thing that had every happened to us, became the best thing. God’s sovereignty, and omnipresence, and not just omnipresence, but that God is everywhere and every when. Whatever we’re going through God already knows the outcome. Does that not give you a sense of relief? The God of the universe cares about your well being, and because of that, you can go about your day free from worry about the details of your tomorrow. If tomorrow is already written, all we must do as Christians, is face tomorrow with an attitude that Abba has you in his hands, and we just respond with whatever would please God. We are free to enjoy the beauty of this world. We are free to experience God’s wonderful creation, and love people the way Christ loves us. We respond to hardships with joy, and peace. We respond to people with love and edification. We lift them up in prayer, we show them scripture, or we show them Christ depending if they are a believer or not. We must face the day with a knowledge of what scripture tells us, and we live our lives within the confines of the Word of God. Find peace in His name. Find comfort in God’s word. Find joy in the trials. Never give up and never quit. Never stop doing good. Never give in to the temptation of this world, but hold fast within the Armor, and be the Christian that puts a smile on Gods face, that makes him proud of you, so when the day comes, we will hear, “Well done my good and faithful one.” 

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