Tag: The Truth

Good Thing God Loves Me

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Good thing God loves me.

I’ve spent quite a while praying about this, and I keep coming back to the same thought process. It’s something I’ve spent time praying over and I have come to realize, I’m blessed to have Gods grace and love. Scripture tells us we are dead in our sin. That means we are in a coffin and not drowning out at sea looking for a safety ring to be thrown to us. We don’t often like to think of ourselves as dead but in reality we are serving a life sentence. In the end comes our judgment, our sentence. Do we die, or live. See, justice was dealt and Jesus took the punishment for those who would seek him. For everyone else, well, the future doesn’t look so bright for them. The thing that I have struggled with is the works because of faith. Scripture tells us that we will be recognized as those who follow Christ by the fruit of our works. Not that we are saved in works, but the new creation in Christ we are compelled to do works in the name of Jesus. The thing that gets me is how fickle we humans are. Let me give you a scenario and I’ll let you decide. I will preface this by saying this is only one side of the story.

Here’s a young man, who meets a young lady. They fall in love and have a wonderful relationship. That relationship though romantically fades over time, the friendship lasts. The young boy goes into the military and becomes a man. Through the time spent serving he would buy the lady a car, pay off bills, and through the years be as close a friend as possible. Even so much as becoming a godfather to her first born.

Now, you would think or at least I would think, that would create a strong bond, and a desire to keep a friendship alive? Well, I was wrong.

This adds to a long line of people coming and going. The sad truth is we all fall short of the glory of God, but that doesn’t change the hurt. It isn’t that faith was placed in people, but more like the expectation that your car will start in the morning. Scripture tells us to never grow weary of doing good, but I say, sometimes that’s incredibly difficult to do. Love is one of those things that If we could truly do it, than we wouldn’t have conflict. Scripture tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. That being the case, If we truly loved we wouldn’t hurt people nearly as much. But alas we are lowly, wretched sinners. It’s hurtful to see people you care about leave. I’m not sure what’s worse knowing why someone leaves, or being ghosted. Sadly, as this event plays out over and over in my life, I’m left watching this rerun over and over again. It never gets easier. The one saving grace is where I am with my faith. I turn to the father in prayer and ask for their peace. Not knowing the why, all I can do is pray for them, and pray for healing. As I eluded to earlier, it’s hard not growing bitter. It’s even harder not to press these feelings onto new friendships. I don’t believe that eventually everyone leaves, I can’t, because truthfully that would be emotionally taxing, draining, and cruel.

I’m not sure why I’ve had so many people walk out of my life. I’m not sure if it’s me, or if I attract a certain type of person. Either way, all I can do is drop to my knees and pray about it. Pray for peace of mind, and a healing heart. I can’t and won’t lie and say I’m alright, but I can say I will be, perhaps someday. It’s one thing to say that I’m used to being hurt by people leaving, and the feeling of abandonment goes away, but that would not be true. While I am used to it, the pain doesn’t get any better. And it takes everything I have plus some to fight the urge to put up walls around my heart and mind, to protect myself from people. Why get close to people, or let anyone in, if they are just going to leave? It’s a valid question but one that cannot sit on my heart. I cannot place the sins of others, upon people I’ve never met before. It is not right to place a burden upon someone for the acts of another. Sadly people do this all the time.

I know I am a sinner, and I know I’m saved by grace through faith in Christ. Ultimately it’s love. The love of God that shines down on me, even though I don’t deserve it. I can only hope one day, I’ll find my life was worth something. My love language, one of them is affirmation. Something we don’t often get in our lives. This is a driving factor for me I’d say, that if I can arrive in Heaven, and find that my works in the name of Christ were pleasing, that the Father will one day look at me and say well done, that would make all of the pain worth while. My heart today is heavy. This I cannot deny. Peace is found in the love of Christ and that’s where I must turn.

I’m Shameless

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I’m Shameless

Growing up, I often kept my faith to myself. I was already facing constant discrimination and bullying because of my economic class, I didn’t want to face more degradation, and belittling. I spent many years secretly praying, and worshiping without friends knowing. I placed so much emphasis on what others thought, that I hid what should have been most important. I concealed what I should have been screaming from the hilltops for all the world to hear. 

The sad truth is, for much of my young life, I prayed not of Gods glory, but rather his mistake. I prayed to God to let me die for a long time. I was miserable for so many years I couldn’t see anything else. I couldn’t understand why Jesus would allow me to be in such misery. I couldn’t understand why I was created the way I was. I often cried myself to sleep just wishing I wouldn’t wake up again. I prayed that the Lord would take me home, and I didn’t care how. After 1997 I renewed my cries to end my suffering. God it seemed had something else in mind. 

Starting in 1995 I began bouncing around where I lived, and as God would have it, I would eventually find myself and my path, but not one of smooth trails, but rather thistles, twists, turns, and more heartache I ever thought I could face. The truth is, I was a very broken person, and not knowing or understanding the true nature of God, I had no idea how to manage what I was feeling. It wasn’t till my adult years, and after a significant, life threatening trauma, that I would learn the true love of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

After a life threatening gunshot wound, I would nearly die in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. I would be somewhere between life and death, and in that moment, hearing the words of God, “YOU’RE FORGIVEN!” I came to understand. This life is a journey, one that prepares us, forges us, for what’s to come. This life is about loving Jesus, and loving the other humans that are also on their own journey. Scripture tells us ““Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.” If the gate to Heaven is so narrow, then every moment in this life matters. How much do we have to truly hate our neighbors, that we shall not share the saving grace of Jesus. As the Apostles before us died for their faith, what will we lose for Jesus? Do we keep the light of eternity hidden under a bushel? If we are afraid of the world, and what they may say, or do, should we not be more afraid of standing before the Judgment Seat of the Father? What can the world do to us, when eternity is on the line? Who should come to the father who has denied his Love for others and the teaching we have at our fingertips? Do we prefer the acceptance of the world over that of an Eternal Hell? I call to you my brothers and sisters, do not sit in this life upon the word of God, but rather, stand boldly and share it. 

As my life nearly ended in my own sorrow, I found reformed perception, and we cannot be ashamed of our faith. We cannot deny Christ as Peter did. Peter saw the error of his ways, and going from denying Christ three times as prophesied by his Lord, he was crucified upside down, as not to die in the same manner as his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Are we willing to stand up and be bold in our faith? 

Going through so much as a child, and seeing war as a young adult, and then surviving two marital affairs that came with tremendous heart break, being forced to rebuild multiple times, I have had my life compared to that of Job. Didn’t the Lord restore Job and I have seen in my own life the Lord restored to me more than I had before. The Lord restored my faith, rebuilt me, gave me meaning in this life. The Lord saved a wretch like me, and gave me direction. While the struggles in life will assuredly continue, I can face tomorrow with assurance that I am not alone in my fight. As Paul said, he ran the race, and fought the good fight. Paul who gave up everything for the name of Christ, who gave up wealth, prestige, peace, notoriety, friends, and family, he couldn’t be silent in the truth. See, we often look at truth in today’s society as fluid, but Paul shows us, that it isn’t a fluid truth, but rather one truth. To give up a lush life, for one of pain, suffering, struggles, and ultimately death, one does not do this lightly or for a lie. Paul could not stay in his sinful ways, hunting and murdering those who followed the way of Jesus. Paul had to acknowledge the truth, and knowing what it would mean, he would stand before man and boldly proclaim the name of Christ. He would take the beatings, the stoning’s, the jailing’s, and ultimately beheading, for the name of Christ. We stand here today afraid of being mocked and ridiculed, but what is true persecution. Jesus tells us we will be persecuted, but I call to you Christian, do not be blind to the world, but open your eyes to see where we are, and where we are going. Jesus shows us that persecutions will come, and while here in the U.S. we are headed towards persecution, in many parts of the world persecution means certain death. Here we hide because we want to be accepted, but accepted into what? 

We are so afraid to share our testimony, or our experiences of how Jesus has changed us, we are not glorying Jesus as we should. Having been there myself, surrounded by those who would laugh, and point fingers, I spent years running from the truth. Do not be afraid my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ. Stand tall, and stand firm on the truth, and do not be conformed to this world. Do not allow this world to influence, to change, or alter scripture. Do not change the word of Christ to fit into the world. Scripture is clear that we are not to be conformed to the world. We must stand firm on the Word of God, which needs no alterations. Everything we do, needs to be through the lens of Christ. Everything we do must be held to scripture. Everything we say and do will be held accountable before the only Judge, and we will have no excuse. When the world says one thing, point to your Bible which is truth. As Garth Brooks once said, “Son, it ain’t what you’re drivin’, or the clothes that you wear, material possessions won’t matter up there. Someday in heaven when the angels all sing, these rags that I’m wearin will be fit for a king.” It isn’t the material possessions, the fame, the prestige, the acceptance of the world, that will save you. It’s better to be on the outs with the world, than to be on the outs with Jesus. 

This world is changing, and moving into a dangerous direction. If you’re going to change the world, start with the person in the mirror. Follow truth, and realize the blessings God has done for you. Do not stray from scripture, the truth, but instead accept it, that needs no changing. My heart was set free from this world, and has been grafted with the Holy Spirit. Mend your broken heart with the Blood of Christ. Take that transfusion, and let his Blood heal you, replacing the disease we know as sin. Let Christ be your great physician, and let us heal this world, by sharing the TRUE love of Jesus Christ, and his infallible, unwavering, words of truth. If 12 nobody’s can change the world, who stood tall in their faith, imagine what we can do, if we stand on His truth. God Bless. 

Grief out of Love

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“What is Grief, but love persevering.” Vision

There is no question that life can be hard. Life can leave us broken, battered on the floor. We ask why, why God? We find ourselves alone, lost, in a world full of pain. We lose people we love. Betrayed and sold out by those we cherished. Ignored by friends. Passed over for a promotion at work. Watch a child pass away. Bury a parent after years fighting dementia. We ask why God. We need God, we cannot make it through this alive without God. It is said that God never puts more on us than we can handle. This is utterly not true. God allows us to go through trials and tribulations because his will is perfect. We are not to rely on our own faulty strength but rather, we are to turn to our Abba Father to deliver us from evil. Philippians 4:13 ESV “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” If we relied on our own strength we would fail. Isaiah 41:10 ESV “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” It is Gods strength that sees us through. When left to our own path, our own desires, we often make our situation worse. Life hurts sometimes. Heartbreak happens. This life we live surrounded by the very presence of sin, we are often caught in the sights of sin, or collateral damage to sin, or the origin of the sin impact. This world leaves battle scars. No one gets out of this life without them. No matter who you are, where you come from, you’re going to end up with scars. Fear not says the Lord. Jesus says when you face tribulations, John 16:33 33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you [a]will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Face the world daily and turn to God for everything. Do not pity yourself or the dead, for if they knew the Lord they have not died, but are truly alive. It’s okay to grieve, to miss someone’s presence. Turn to God and find peace.

THE SILENCE GROWS

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The silence grows

I write to you, even pour out feelings, but met with silence. I took the time, I write and write. Day after day, I take my time to beak the silence as I reach out to you. So many out, and nothing in return. Years of building relationships. Years of extensive, extending a hand in friendship. Picking up the phone from every call and message. I extended my wallet, my ear, my trust, my heart, and now it’s silence. A fool I’ve been, I couldn’t see, because I didn’t want too perhaps, my kindness used and abused. In my own time of need you were no where to be found. How could I have been so blind. The years of darkness I felt, suddenly creeps back in. The seeds fall and grow choking the life and happiness from my life. Abandoned yet again, the flash in my mind, as history repeats itself. Broken on the floor the tears just won’t flow. I do not know why, or how I got here. The color fades to black and white, the hurt a crushing feeling that buries in shame. The darkness settles in like an old friend. Must I say goodbye? Must I feel such loss yet again? Is this natures pruning? Did I mean so little to so many? Was I a convenience at the time, and without warning or word, expendable? History it seems repeated again. What have I learned? How to break, how to hurt. I’ve learned so much and yet again, here I am. The lessons seem to fade to mist. What can I do, when I reach for you, I reach and reach, into the darkness. I reach and lunge but like casting the fishing line, it comes up empty, every time. I see you there, you’re always around, but my hand you don’t take, a reach into the folly.

You’re not my enemy, I pray for you, I drop

to my knees and wish happiness upon you. I ask nothing of you except friendship. I have heard your tears. I’ve listened to your screams. You even once, heard mine. So close, but now ships passing on a fog filled night. Should I let go? Should I call out louder? Will my cries be heard? If you wanted to talk wouldn’t you reach out? What should I do? A broken heart makes poor choices. But, it isn’t just broken, but angry. Years and years of open roads. The pouring out of memories, feelings, thoughts, and now the road ends, the road I’d taken for years, can no longer be traveled. An absence, and yet a carrot dangled in front of me, teasing me, a sign, or is it?

I place so much in all the wrong places. I crave acceptance. I crave being wanted, and needed by others. I crave feeling important. I place that up high, an endless race I could never win. How many must I loose before I see the truth? How many must walk away before I find my value elsewhere? I walk miles upon miles seeking what I could never have. A hollow hole, unable to be filled. Jesus set me free from this cycle I find myself in. Jesus set me free from this pain. These shackles bind me and break me. Jesus be my chain breaker and show me a better way. Heal these wounds of the ages, and heal my broken heart. Jesus heal me and light my way home. Jesus my heart hurts, broken from saying goodbye. Jesus you pieced me together atom by atom, cell by cell. You’ve watched me grow, suffer, laugh and cry. Jesus you know my heart is breaking to pieces. Jesus lift me up and dry my tears. Take me out of this place and show me my value in you. Jesus show me that there’s more then this. Jesus my light on the hill, my shepard come find me, a lost sheep in the wilderness. I cannot do this on my own. I am fragile but strong. My heart breaks but I am not broken. I hurt, but I do not crumble to the ground. Jesus my rock, the rock, my foundation, my anchor in the storm, you save me when my sails are torn, and the keel creaks in the rough waters of this storm. Jesus my Lord, Jesus my light, dry my tears and guide me back, guide me to safety, my Lord. I cannot do this without you. I cannot stay in the darkness. I cannot stay in the silence. I long for Harold of the angels. I crave the sound of the choir of Heaven. I seek your face my Lord, I seek you in the darkness, lift me up, save me, save me from myself, this world, this hurt. Show me the blessings, so many abound around me. Teach me to number my days, so I may grow a heart of wisdom. Teach me to manage when I’m at the still waters, the green meadows, or the shadow of death. In you I trust my Lord. You hear my cries, deliver me from this toil.Free me. To you I pray.

The Truth

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The Truth

Being a Christian doesn’t mean I have it together all the time. It doesn’t mean someone is ok all the time. It doesn’t mean you’re never depressed. It doesn’t mean you can’t have other mental illnesses like bipolar or anxiety disorder. It means we realize we cannot possibly make it through this journey alone. We rely on our Lord and Savior to help us through and that we are nothing without Jesus Christ with us.

I am woefully insecure. My mind seeks human approval and acceptance. My mind is wrought with loneliness and self doubt. My insecurities make me question much about myself. I’ll give some examples.

“Hey how are you?”(message seen) two days later still no reply…

(Brain: what did I do? Are they upset with me? They don’t like talking to me. Am I not important to them?)

If I go too long without hearing from someone I question if I matter to that person. Do I cross their mind? Why don’t they say hello. Why don’t they ever check on me? Ultimately years of abandonment have culminated into a fear of such things, along with a deep seated question of self value and a desire for friendships that won’t scatter when the light reveals my imperfections.

As years pass by it seems I have become more and more isolated, not by choice, but by world events. My recent bout with Covid, left me seeking and searching both inside myself and outside for answers. While some people came to my aid, others whom I expected to be there weren’t. It produces a mix of feelings associated with my personal value. Of course the caveat to all of this is both simple and immensely complex. I am a child of God, a follower of Jesus Christ, and God don’t make trash. I have value because I am loved by God. On the flip side, feeling as I do are feelings of the world. The feeling and desire of wanting human contact is powerful. My soul and mind are at odds with one another and with a history of depression, a fierce battle.

The desires that comes and goes to reach out to people, is one that often seems to get me into trouble. It seems the thought of checking on loved ones and friends regularly, even if it’s just to show I care, is often met with feelings of anxiety, and messages left unanswered. Of course, in this age of digital communication, it’s too easy to ignore, and simply vanish in an event now called ghosting, is far too common in my life. Ghosting happens regularly in my life. And on top of that, those whom I had been friends with for years, have up and vanished, leaving me to hold on tight to those relationships I value most. Sometimes creating a catch 22. The desire to keep people close often has the adverse effect of pushing them away. Finding balance has not been my forte’.

Living with this kind of fear of loss is not easy, but there is hope out there to find. When I’m at my lowest, I remember my eternal Father. I remember that Jesus died for me, and that’s something I can’t ever let go of. In order to manage lows, anyone, anytime has to be proactive. In order for me to manage my way through the dark times, I have to create a mix of time with God but also time with people. It’s hard going sometimes, but knowing there’s light at the end of the tunnel is vastly important. Making my way through Covid, and the isolation it created has been a challenge. Many days of long periods of silence, left me in time of study in Gods word. I think back to Paul and the times of solitude in prison. How much less of a man am I, that I should not suffer also? If Paul can do it, I shall also. Paul suffered yet endured. He had a couple people he could always count on, as do I.

Managing these things doesn’t have to be completely debilitating, even though it proves a challenge, life moves on. Finding ways to manage the loneliness, and dealing with the depression that comes with, the lack of motivation, is a cyclical problem to deal with, but one that is nothing beyond what God can manage, and get me though. Time keeps moving forward and so shall I. God gets all the glory, and provides me everything I need. Never keep from moving forward, and never stop fighting the good fight.

Hope In The Covid Storm

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The darkness is not powerful enough to withstand the light. The night lingers on, the shadows dance and cause a fright. The boogeyman hides behind every corner. The trees dance causes you to quiver and shake. The wolves howl at the moon. The nights wind chills to the bone.

The sky turns a deep crimson as the sun cracks the horizon. The ghosts and goblins made up by our own imagination recoils into the recesses of our minds. The light uncovers the truth, revealing the secrets the darkness tried to keep. The hopeless found in the night shattered by the light.

The failures that replay in our heads, a glimpse of the past, reminders of Satans chains not that bind us, but that Christ broke for us. The darkness is no more, only in our minds. The light shines and makes us free. The heart aches and hard knocks come yet go, with Christ a brighter future exists you’ll see.

Covid brings fear, brings panic, with no TP to find. We wear masks and stay at home. We see each other through our mobile phones. We see everything going wrong. With no sports, or shows. With no trips, or concerts. With no church, or events. We find ourselves deep in our imagination of darkness, but the light shines.

The future we had has slowly faded away. The storm came and covered the globe. The war against a virus. Something so small we could not see what was lurking round every corner. But in this storm we see hope. In this storm we come together to protect and serve. In the eye of the storm, we know Jesus, our Lord and Savior is in control. Jesus love surrounds us and shines our way home, guarding our souls. Let Jesus shine through you for others to find their way out of the darkness. Be the little Christ we are called to be. You’re not alone in the Storm. We have hope because Jesus is the chain breaker, the way maker, the healer, the miracle worker, and in him we must put our faith and under the wings of eagles we must rest.

By Jacob K.