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The Lost Toy

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The Lost Toy

The toy was new and shiny. The girl who first got this toy love it, treasured it, played with it and kept it for many years. The toy felt loved and needed. The toy noticed over the years it was played with a little less as time continued on. The toy would sit on the shelf longer, until eventually the toy couldn’t remember the last time it had even been touched. The toy felt sad wondering what happened. Why didn’t she come around anymore, why didn’t she play with me anymore. The toy felt horrible just sitting on the shelf gathering dust. The amount of time the toy spent alone went on with no attention was incalculable.

Lonely and alone the toy began to feel nothing. The emptiness the toy felt drifted from emptiness to darkness, and eventually nothing at all. Years would go by and the toy motionless now covered with years of dust the memory of being loved was now almost a dream. Had it actually happened, had the toy actually been played with ever, or was it all just an illusion? The toy wrestled with itself for a long time about its purpose, it’s self worth. The questions would plague the poor forgotten little toy for another few years.

One day the toy found itself in a box, the box was in a car. Where am I going the toy asked? What’s going on the toy said afraid of knowing the truth. The box was taken from the car and placed in the intake room of the local thrift store. There the box lay and the toy waited in the darkness. The toy didn’t wait too long before the light shined through and soon the toy was picked up by a nice older lady. She cleaned the toy up, got the years of dust off and the toy was placed on a shelf right out in front.

It wasn’t more then a day or so before the toy was found by a nice little girl. She picked it up and hugged it close. She begged her mom for it and finally her mom acquiesced. The little girl quickly fell in love with the toy. The toy felt new, revived, and full of joy. Finally the toy thought a fresh life, a new life. It was great to be loved again. The toy no longer felt worthless, the toy no longer felt alone and abandoned. Why didn’t the first little girl want me anymore the toy thought. What happens when this girl doesn’t want me anymore? Will I be abandoned by this girl too? Quickly the toy felt sad. The girl played with the toy every day, yet the toy wasn’t ever satisfied with its new life. Sad and guarded the toy remained.

The girl still loved the toy very much even after several more years. The toy never felt as happy as it once did. Once hurt, once betrayed, once left for dead and forgotten the toy never fully recovered. It enjoyed the time with the little girl. The toy was carried through elementary, kept up and cleaned, adored through the time in high school, and even brought onto college. The toy held on waiting still for day the girl would leave it. The day however never came. The girl loved the toy so much that one day the toy was passed on to the girl’s daughter. The toys care was continued through the daughter. A long happy life the toy should have had.

When we don’t let go of our past what is to be done with you? Proverbs 17:22 “A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” We must learn to let go of our pain, never to hold onto the anger and fear it leaves behind. The pain will never leave completely, but the scars on our hearts can be used as a reminder not of the pain, but that of survival. No matter the good and bad we face we must understand that our story isn’t done being written. We mustn’t pretend to know and understand the workings of God behind the curtain. Romans 12:12 “Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;” We must always rejoice in the grief and the bliss we feel because in all times the God of all watches over us and all we care about. John 16:22 “And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.” Even though the now might feel forever, the now might feel crushing, we must always remember God will never leave us nor forsake us. If someone decides to leave you, or abandon you, do not put your faith in other people. Put your faith in Christ only. Your self worth must never rely on others. Your happiness should be with God and God only. It is in God that today’s suffering can be removed, and more importantly the suffering of this life when it’s time will pass away. The love of Christ and his perfect Passover sacrifice ensured for us to be able to live a Holy Happy life in eternity. No one can take that from you. Not a parent, not a wife, or husband, not your children, no one but Satan can take away your joy, and Satan can only take away what you allow to be taken. Do not allow Satan to tempt you or pull you away from love. Trust in your Lord the giver of all, and trust that when one love falls away, open your heart to love again. Nothing happens without purpose or reason. I’m sure at some point we’ve all felt alone and lost, forgotten, abandoned by those whom we’ve loved the most. Don’t let your heart be hardened by the decision of another. Don’t let yourself be drawn into the lies of Satan that no one will ever love you as much, want you as much, or give you as much pleasure in your life. Do not find meaning in the hands of others. Satan wants you to doubt yourself, He wants you to question your worth. Once those thoughts take hold there’s no telling how much damage the Devil can do. You are special because God says you are. Praise God because if someone doesn’t want you, know God does, and it’s that person’s loss. For each Yin there is a Yang. For each Bonny there is a Clide. For each Romeo there is a Juliet. When Satan starts to gain ground fall back on one of the greatest fictional characters of all time. Captain Picard. “We’ve made too many compromises already to many retreats. They invade our space and we fall back, they assimilate entire worlds and we fall back. Not again, the line must be drawn here, this far, no farther.” Give the Devil an inch, he’ll take a mile. Don’t fall for the tempters tricks and deceptions. Have faith that God may allow someone to walk away from your life, but in God’s time His will, will be done. We must love ourselves and when we show God what we can handle,  only then when we show God we are worthy of such gifts, when it’s the right time, God will grant us our desires, when and if it’s for our good. Don’t let heartache hold you back from living. Don’t let anything hold you back from living and loving for God!

Breaking Beyond The Past

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Breaking Beyond The Past

A little boy grows up without a father. He’s different then other kids. He has a lot on his plate at a young age but manages to find a way to suppress it. As the kid grows up he suffers much and every day it feels as if the weight of the world is pressing onto his shoulders. What if that past was no longer the weights they once were?

A friend told me recently that a day will come when I can’t let the pain of the past dictate my future any longer. It’s ironic how many times I’ve seen something about someone’s past controlling them today. In my favorite show Arrow the main character Oliver Queen found out some disturbing information about his father. The main antagonist tries to drudge up the past and prove the past not only defines us, but also forces us to repeat the sins of our forbears. Later in an episode of The Flash, Barry Allen’s memories are wiped. He is found to be a happier guy because the pain and suffering of his past no longer haunt him. Joe his foster dad said something along the lines of, without his 28 years of experience he isn’t the same person. In the words of Captain Kirk “Damn it Bones, you’re a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with the wave of a magic wand. They’re the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. [to Sybok] I don’t want my pain taken away! I need my pain!” One thing I’ve learned is when you see those kinds of things they aren’t coincidental; they are the little things God puts into our path to help guide us. What does it mean to truly put the past behind you? What do we do when we have to push that pain and darkness behind us?

The darkness within our lives is just as important as the light. We cannot be who we are without the joys and pains in our lives. We cannot be who we are without both because it’s the trials we go through that teach us the most about who we are. Sometimes a tragic event can freeze us in time. Breaking out of that gelatin can be a struggle. Much like quick sand the more we struggle to get out the deeper into despair we sink. So what does it take to drastically alter a persons mindset? More often I’ve found it takes a drastic event to plunge us into despair and something drastic to bring us out. When the world seems at odds with us what gives us the hope and strength to keep moving forward. For me a major life altering event occurred and at the same time I had a come to Jesus moment. Romans 8:17-18 “17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. 18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” We suffer today because we are told we would. Knowing we are going to suffer on this world, doesn’t mean it’s easy to bare. 2 Corinthians 1:5-6 “5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.”

We often search for a higher understanding when we hit our lowest. The key to happiness is to search for that understanding even when things are good also. Ecclesiastes 7:14 “In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider: God also hath set the one over against the other, to the end that man should find nothing after him.” It doesn’t matter who are parents are, or who they aren’t. It doesn’t matter what horrible things our pasts represent or the horrors in our nightmares, what matters is what we choose to do with our tomorrow. We can choose today to let the past go, and make our tomorrow a wonderful new you. There’s no time like the present to drop the weights off your shoulders and let go of those chains that hold you back. That doesn’t mean that your past won’t always be with you, it just means you won’t let the past dictate terms for your future. In your life you may have encountered people who were naysayers, told you you’d never make it, told you you weren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and in every way taught you were weren’t enough. This is a lie and it doesn’t matter who says it, it’s the Devil speaking. Psalm 139:13-16 “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

 We may loose our Canary, but in time, perhaps a new one will take up the mantel of the mask. Lovers can become enemies and friends can become nothing. Strangers can become friends, and unlikely acquaintances can save our lives. In God all things are possible, and all things are possible in time if it’s Gods will. Never forget to pray before every decision and in all things give God the glory.

I Volunteer As Tribute.

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I Volunteer As Tribute.

One of the first things we are told in the military is never volunteer for anything. To volunteer in the military is usually a recipe for disaster. Usually to offer your time means some horrible thankless job that you’d regret being apart of. Luke 6:35 “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.” Even when it look rough, or horrible to give your personal time even when it looks like you won’t get anything out of it, to sacrifice for the greater good is something we’re called to do. Proverbs 11:24 “One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want.”

I heard a story recently of a love offering at my church for two families who were in dire need. While collecting the offering a member of one of the families put money into the offering plate. No matter the circumstance we should remember to give. I myself have struggled with that concept. I am always hesitant to give cash when I am not getting any. I can honestly say I have failed in my call to give. Giving is about loving. No matter if you give money, or time, or hospitality, follow 1 Corinthians 16:14 “Let all that you do be done in love.”

I can only hope that as time moves forward my unwillingness to give is forgiven and in time I can change my attitude about giving, and see what happens. As for giving there is more then one way to give. I may not have been overly giving as of late financially, but I do believe my willingness to give my time to teach the gospel accounts for something. A few months ago one of my subordinates didn’t have the funds needed to get himself lunch at work. At the time I knew I didn’t have the cash, or the money in my checking account so I chose to put it on my credit card. I got my officer lunch and even though I knew it meant I wouldn’t get anything, I was happy that my officer was fed and happy. My time in the service even though short taught me to always take care of your soldiers. As a follower of Christ I believe God is the same way. I believe God always takes care of his Children, especially the ones who fight for him. Back in September I swore to be a Soldier for Christ and to teach and preach the Gospel. As I have always had a soldiers mentality, I believe this has been my calling all along. I felt a calling towards the Bible all my life but I ran from it. It appears we are to go through training before we take our place. The Lord wants us to volunteer to be a soldier. It may take time but if God wants us to serve, He’ll have his way, one way or another. No real use fighting it, the pain and trials that we go through prepare us for our mission.

To serve the Lord is an honorable calling, and I feel honored yet not worthy to do so. I hope and pray at the very least this Blog is pleasing to Him. It doesn’t seem prudent to run away from a calling. I consider what would have been like had King David run away from his calling to be King. I consider the same for George Washington, or Neal Armstrong. How vastly different our history would be if any one of our influential individuals in history denied their calling.

So to wrap up, in the words of Katniss Everdeen “I Volunteer as Tribute” speaking to God of course. To volunteer for a cause greater then oneself is an honorable one. Ministry is no different then law enforcement and medical response services. To serve is to give.

A Multitude of Sins

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A Multitude of Sins

Here I sit alone in almost complete silence. The teal glow on the wall from the lava lamp, and the glow from the computer screen are the only lights on in the house. There’s no music on, no television, just a fan in the dining room I can hear. The sounds of the keys being clicked own is loud in the silence of the house. Occasionally I can hear one of the dogs yawning, or licking their paw, but it’s quiet.

What do we do when we are alone in the dark, no sounds, just the sound of our own thoughts? Where does your mind take you? Mine takes me to a place darker then that of my home right now, a multitude of sins and mistakes. How did I get here my mind asks. How has my life turned out this way, and where the heck do I go form here? The truth is I don’t know. People ask me every day what’s the plan, where are you going to go, what are you going to do? You see, people that know me best know me as the planner. In an earlier post I talked about your emergency preparedness kit and some of what’s in my hiking bag. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. I haven’t had a plan since September 18th 2016. That day all of my sins came to the surface, they came with a reckoning, a force strong enough to knock me off my balance and shake the very foundation in which I built my life. Up till that point in my life I had found myself to be relatively successful. I was happily married, doing well at work, doing great in school, working towards a baby, everything I wanted in life. I had the greatest in-laws anyone could ever hope for, a great sister in law, but fate it seems follows it’s own course, not what we want. In just a matter of a short bit of time everything I loved, the life I spent years building would crumble around me and I would loose everything. The foundation cracked and a cavern opened up under me and swallowed me whole. At the time I felt as if I’d never get out. At the time I felt that my pain, my suffering was the end of me and sadly, wrongly, I felt as if I deserved it. I felt as if my sins were coming back and I had to pay for them. I felt as if I deserved to suffer, to undergo pain and suffering.

A life of trauma built up and tucked away in a nice tidy little closet, away from the world so no one would see. The pain inside buried so deep that the mask I wore every day was good enough to fool even those closest to me. So many times I felt the sorrow the shame bubbling up from the deepest pits within myself, and as skillfully as a superhero beats down a lowly thug, I put that stop in the rising pain, and forced it to return back to the darkest places of my very soul. Compartmentalization is such a wonderful tool when dealing with pain. It can be very helpful as a short term coping mechanism but when used for trauma, the idea is to revisit the trauma soon after the crisis is over, and face the memory head on to come to grips with it. The trouble with that is when the day never comes to revisit, it’s locked away, never forgotten, but never addressed either.

What do we do when the foundation we built our very existence crumbles and falls apart? When our foundation is not as solid as we thought it was, and our deepest fears come true? When everything we’ve ever wanted is taken away, when our deepest fear is realized, and every trauma we’ve ever buried breaks out of prison with an angry vengeance the perfect storm is realized and bad terrible things happen to our minds.

When the hurricane hit me I wasn’t able to maintain my footing. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to handle, the one and only thing I knew was the word STOP. I knew it had to stop. I felt I deserved what happened to me. I felt I had a right to the pain because I had sinned. I had never lived up to be what I should have, and I earned my place. The memory slipped away after actions were taken. What happened to me? What was going to happen to me? So quickly control was fleeting, a wild chaos was quickly snapped back to a hazy reality but not without consequence. No one ever warned us this might happen. No one ever taught us the repercussions of a lifetime of running. You can’t run forever, sooner or later the past will catch up to you and when it does, it wants its payment with interest.

It would take months to realize the new reality, which was my life. It would take only days to realize how bad of a decision that had been made without conscious control. We all have to answer for our sins, and we all have to pay for them. The hard part about dealing with what we’ve done is forgiving ourselves. For me it’s always been easier to forgive others for the bad things they’ve done, but to forgive myself, you’d have better luck pulling a tooth from a T-Rex. I can never take back what happened that day, but to understand more then just the surface problem, to see beyond the facts of that day, it takes a deeper look into the human soul.

As we walk in our lives we see those around us who get caught in addiction, self-harm, physical disorders such as eating disorders, but do we ever try to address the problem? The problem on the surface is the immediate issue, but the problem I’m talking about is that below, the root of the problem. When people suffer for a long time even when we cannot see it, it can often manifest itself in ways to run and hide from the source. Eventually running is all we know. Eventually that life becomes a new reality a safe comfortable reality in our own minds. Even if from the outside it looks destructive and harmful, no doubt it is destructive and harmful, but life itself is often through the eyes of the beholder.

Survivors of alcoholism, or self-harm, suicide attempts, addictions to sleeping bills or other drugs, they know the route, but it’s everyone around that becomes the new problem. How many spectators become judgmental of the victim? Let’s use suicide as an example. If someone tries to end their life, what is the normal reaction from those around? Some are in shock and disbelief, others flock to the person showering with love and sympathy, but there are others who feel anger and distain. Suicide is often looked to as the coward’s way out, the easy way out. The anger comes from the idea that it hurts the ones who are left behind. So suicide is often known as selfish. The problem with today’s society is a lack of education on various mental health problems. There are a lot of assumptions and negative connotations that exist that doesn’t make them true. As a society we need to learn to answer pain with Love, answer hurt with Love. We’ve become so quick to push people away who cause pain, but never ask if the pain was intentional. Let me tell you, if someone’s facing addiction, or suicide, you are the last person on his or her minds. Some may leave a note behind, but the idea is never to inflict harm on others, albeit the end result is pain and suffering. Ironic that the idea to end ones own pain and suffering it will inflict that upon others, and yet that thought never crosses the victims mind. Colossians 3:12 “12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” We know that when there is pain doctors are compassionate towards the victims, EMS have a bedside manner of caring and love, but when someone in our family or friends harms themselves anger, and venomous reactions take the stage. Isaiah 49:13 “13 Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” God knows when to be compassionate and when to be hard on his children. Psalm 51:1 “1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.” Is it so hard to forgive others? Is it so hard to realize we all make mistakes and we all harm one another at some point in our lives? Forgiveness isn’t something that is supposed to take time, (realizing this is the reality) it’s something that is supposed to come from the heart. Luke 23:34 “34 Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.”

We must learn to dig deeper to see the why and not just assume. We must learn to Love first and have compassion to those in pain. We must learn to forgive and understand the sinful nature of mankind. These things are not easy, but are necessary. No matter what the world says about some stigmas the facts remain in scripture. Education is the key to being a compassionate person, understanding the driving forces behind a particular mindset can not only give you incite, but help when you come face to face with it yourself. We all know someone who’s tried to commit suicide, became addicted to something, had some sort of mental health crisis, but do we really ever know the why, or the how? How did we treat them when the initial crisis had passed? Our jobs as a Church body is to love, have compassion, not to tare down someone after they already hit rock bottom. Love not hate, it really isn’t that hard with practice.

If you are the surviver of such an addiction, or suicide attempt, know that tomorrow the day can be brighter. As the Book of Job teaches us no matter how bad a situation may look at the time, tomorrow, God can bless us and change our future in an instant. We must maintain love and faith in God, in both or blessings, and our hardships.

 

 

 

God Provides

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God Provides

Have you ever noticed how when you are faithful God provides exactly what you need when you need it? You may not have extra, but the need is provided.

I can’t help but feel a sense of gratitude towards God and all my friends who’ve helped me through this tempestuous time. As the time has gone on I began to question if the storm would ever subside. Galatians 6:9 “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” If I am not mistaken this verse tells us to continue to try and even when things are going well and we’ve poured our time and effort into the good and bad times, to not grow weary.

When times continue and our desires, the things we wish the most are not given to us it’s hard to be patient. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Being patient is hard for us little humans. Finding inner peace is not easy. I’ve spent the last 8 months searching for peace, and every time I think I’ve found it, every time I think I have made progress I stumble and fall backwards again. I try to follow John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

 The truth is I am afraid. I’m afraid I am not good enough for someone to make them happy. I am afraid I am meant for nothing more then a basic security officer never destined to amount to any kind of greatness. I have spent a lifetime judging my own success on what others think of me, my success within my relationships, and my career. In the last 8 months I have lost every bit of what I judged my own success, my own self worth. My biggest problem has always been my fear of being alone. I still fear being alone, and I still fear failing.

I know that God will provide what I need when it’s time, and I have faith that God will not want me to be alone forever, just for the time being. The hardest thing to do is to have faith especially when you’re hurting. As faithful when the sun rises, and the sun setting, knowing the world will still turn, and life will continue to move on, we must believe that the God of all things will not fail us. Surviving the desert was a miracle under the circumstances. While there however I saw some of the most beautiful sunsets and sun rises. It always reminded me that God was always there and in control.