Tag: survivor

Ashes to Ashes

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Ashes to Ashes

We often don’t think much about the draw of time on our bodies, or about time itself. I’ve been taking some time to think about what it was God said to Adam in the Garden of Eden just prior to his exile: 

By the sweat of your face

You will eat bread,

Till you return to the ground,

Because from it you were taken;

For you are dust,

And to dust you shall return.”

— Genesis 3:19

You must work, and work hard all the days of your life. You will eat the product of your work till your days end. This is the curse on which the human race is forced to live. Our lives are bound to the linear decay, a beginning, and an end of time. We face tomorrow with optimism, even though we have seen the perpetual onslaught of unanticipated trials and tribulations. While some people may plan for the future to have some struggles, it’s the reality that life will throw untold amount of struggles our way that we will never truly be able to plan for, or avoid. How do we handle life’s day to day struggles? We must face our lives with dignity and strength. How though is this done? When our struggle is the nature of time itself, we must understand our lives are truly only in the present. 

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, that it would worry for itself. Our lives are the moments in which we live. Sure, we can plan for tomorrow, but it’s the here and now, we must truly focus on. The little muscle in your mouth, what is said, how does it make others feel? What kinds of hurt does the tongue cause, and the damage does it do once those words are sent into the air. We cannot undo, nor can we live in the past. We often get stuck in a moment in time of the past. When I was a younger man, I experienced trauma, after trauma, after trauma, and in my own way, unbeknownst to those around me, I too remained trapped in moments of time. As a child, I learned how to use compartmentalization for every incident I faced. In a moment of weakness, a total loss of control, I faced my own mortality. A moment in time, when for a second, time seemed to stop. In that moment, the culmination of my failures tumbled down like castles built on sand, drowning in a tidal wave of regret, disappointment, and pictures of the trauma running through my mind. My world fell apart in a moment in time. But, since then, small moments have built upon one, and then another, and eventually life changed, and we rest upon today, this very moment where I am typing one word after another. I have survived trauma, after trauma, and several life changing events. I have overcome some pretty big obstacles as I have faced death head on, and God pulled me through, not myself. I do not have the power to beat death, but God has the power, that in me, He overcame the death of a soul, and as far as my physical body, God has seen fit to bring me through the brink of death, now many times over. A few weeks ago, my heart stopped as I lay in bed, aware the pacemaker would stop, and aware the inevitable outcome would likely be my heart stopping, and I would feel it slow, the world around me would fade, and black would surround me. The brink of death was upon me, and I had no control over it. When the time comes in our lives, the end of that verse will play out, from dust we came, from dust we shall return. God knows the date each of us will be conceived, and He knows the date we will draw our final breath. It’s this knowledge we must face the truth, there are only two things that truly matter in this life, our faith in Christ, and the people in our lives. 

On a regular basis we neglect the people in our lives by the things we say, the things we do, or more aptly, the things we don’t do. In reality, do we love others the way we should? Do we show that love to the people we care about? Do we show up when they need us the most? How do we spend our days, and what do we spend our days doing? What is it we focus on? What is it we put our time and effort into? These things often not only take our gaze off of our so called loved ones, but our Lord also. We have so little precious time with our loved ones, and yet we are derelict in our affections. Not only do we have sin in our lives against a Holy God, that sin goes out against those in our lives. Is the idol in our lives appointments? Is the idol in our lives, sports, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, or something else? We often fill our lives with stuff, and it’s that stuff that takes our focus from God, and the people in our lives. We let these many distractions of the world remove us from the lives of the people we once cared for. Days turn to weeks, turn to years, and we’ve all of a sudden lost track of people we once loved. The years creep in between, and before you know it, a car accident, an illness, something makes all the stuff we filled our lives with seem worthless and meaningless. How did we let so much time go by before we reached out? How did we let so much time go by before we told that person how we felt? How do we let that much time go by without talking to God? Time is not an ally, it’s an enemy. We can neither reason with it, or do anything to buy more of it. When time is up, it’s up. What did we do with the time that was given to us? Did we use it wisely, or did we waist it? Did we use the time God gave to us to glorify Him, and to share His gospel, to grow the kingdom? If we are evaluated on our time management, how well do we score? When sharing the love of Christ is the card in which we are judged. 

This is not a new perspective of mine, but rather one that has presented itself to me multiple times in my life. Having so many near death experiences tends to do that to a person. The difference now, rather than in my past, is in my past, I was the victim of hardships, rather than the survivor of hardships. My surviving, is not of my own doing, but the will of God. The will of God in my life is that He be glorified in my trials. Much like Steven, or Paul, Joseph, or Moses, praising God in the storm is how they got through it. Today, in this time, many people only praise God when life is good, but the moment something takes away that good feeling, God becomes the enemy. The reality is, we face a very real enemy in our lives, and it isn’t God. We are in a battle, just one we cannot see. All around us there’s a battle for our souls, and our lives. Demons roam this world sewing chaos, deception, and dissension among the mortal men. Angels go around nurturing those in need, bringing peace, and comfort, wisdom, and guidance. The war for our souls is won in Jesus Christ, because the end of time is already written, but today, here and now, we are still in the battle. Do we stand ready to fight in the here and now, or do we allow the world to dictate terms? Do we fight for what God told us to do, by loving one another thus fulfilling the Law? We are to love, and love takes effort. Love takes nurturing a baby fire, or a raging fire, but always tending to its needs. If the fire is left unattended, just like my fireplace, the fire will go out. Love takes action, and when we love the people in our lives, it takes action to show them love. How do we show up for them? Is it a text, or a call, a visit, or a card in the mail? With today’s technology, we have never been able to reach out to someone more easily to keep in touch, yet we have never been more distant from one another. Our own brilliance has been used as a tool by the Devil to separate us. Sadly, it worked. 

If heart surgery has taught me nothing else, it’s to cherish every moment. I myself am not afraid to die, in fact, in many ways, I long for it. That is not me wishing it would come today, but knowing what my tomorrow brings is something I long for. To have a glorified body, without the pain, without the tears, or the suffering of this world, but to live in paradise with the creator of the universe. The problem with death for a believer, is the hardships your absence brings to those who loved you and those you love. Sadly, I have seen it too often where the death of a friend is the catalyst that brings people together. It’s death that brings friends and family together who haven’t seen one another in years, who haven’t talked in that time. Death reminds us for a fleeting moment, that we haven’t talked in forever. Yet, in our day to day, we do nothing to change it. My wish for you is to look at your life and seek after those whom you love. Do not take time for granted because it isn’t your friend. Time slows, nor stops for anyone, and it bends it’s will to only our creator. What are you doing with the time given to you? One day we will return to the dust in which we were created. We cannot fight our expiration date. We may be able to extend life, or even push death back a little, but even those things are predestined by a Holy God. My open-heart surgery did not take God by surprise, and it is not lost on me that given this happened 30 years ago, I would likely have died. I was predestined to experience everything over the last few weeks, and how I handled them, do my actions highlight Christ, yes, or no? This is the biggest question I must answer for. Am I showing, and sharing love? Are people my focus, or is it other things? All these things I will answer for, along with my sins upon the day of judgment. Today is not the day I die, but perhaps, it’s the day I die to myself. Scripture tells us to die to one’s self, pick up thine cross and follow Christ. Carry that cross for all the world to see. Let the world know that you die to yourself, allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell inside you. Bringing your soul to life from the dead man/woman, you were. Being born again, and realizing the true bondage is that of sin, and that through sin, the world has a hold on you. The world tells you a load of lies, and we live according to them. What it means to be successful, to be beautiful, to be liked, or respected, but the biblical replies do not match with that of the world. Following Christ means we live different, we look different, we act different, we become different then the world. Our priorities change, and with that change, our relationships begin to change. Let us never forget why we are to love, and let us never forget what it means to love. Love is to lay down ones life for a friend. Love is to love like Christ loved and died for the church. Love is to be patient and kind, never jealous, never bragging or being arrogant. It never acts unbecomingly, and does not seek to lift up ones self, but lifting up others. It is not provoking, nor is it provoked. It does not keep track of the wrongs done, but washes away the wrong as our sins are washed away as if the slate was made new. Love, loves and rejoices in the truth, as it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Do we truly have the guile to say we love others like this? Many cannot say they truly love their own spouses like this. Yet, this is what we are called to do. This is how scripture defines love. This is the love we are called to love one another and our enemies, yet the smallest argument ends friendships. We face an enemy that is crafty like no other, and he wants to destroy you, to break you, to separate you, and ultimately, to devour your spirit, separating you from God. Satan uses time as his ally, and a weapon against humanity. While he cannot control time and space, he can entice us to forsake friends and family, and ignore our responsibilities. Sadly, we allow this to happen time and time again. 

I hope you read this and you find the time for old friends, and existing ones. I hope you find the time for your family, your spouse, your kids, but most importantly, that you find the time for God. My prayer is that you will seek God daily, and you give God the time He deserves. I pray you let go of worldly things that do little for your life, but does a lot to pull you away from important things. I’m not saying it isn’t okay to have hobbies like bowling, or fishing, hunting, or other things, but use those things to grow your relationships, or use those things to grow closer to God. While you’re fishing do you talk with God? While your bowling, do you share Jesus with your team, or the team next to you? While your kids are at soccer, do you let Jesus flow from your behavior? Let us use the time we have better. Let us continue to seek Jesus, and then share Jesus. Let us love others like we are truly called to love one another. Let us remember who the true enemy is, and focus on preparing for battle, because make no mistake, the next battle is right around the corner. Those who do not prepare, will be unequipped to handle it. We must be ready to fight, to hold fast, and know the word, so when the temptation comes, you can be ready with the word of God. Whole Armor of God, a soldier ready for the battle and never out of the fight. We fight till the day the Lord calls us home. Till that day comes, may God bless you, and may the Holy Spirit fill you, and let your cup fillith over.  

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Four Years Now

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Four Years Now

It’s been four years now, and when I look in the mirror the person isn’t the same looking back. For a long time the silence was terrifying because for me, the internal dialog was startling. For years the darkness was when the voices were the loudest. For a long time I couldn’t drive in the car in silence without that void being filled with the lies of the voices. Anytime when I knew I would be surrounded by the absence of sound, I knew the lies would start, and I knew I would hear their voices telling me I was worthless. I knew the voices would tell me to relive my horrors. I knew I’d see the events play through again and again in my minds eye. 

The fear would stay with me, and then not long ago I was driving and realized the radio had been off for a while. How long I asked myself? How long had the radio been off, and as I considered it, I realized it had been off for days? Weeks? When did the silence stop being a warzone? When did I no longer fear, but instead embrace the silence? As I pondered back I recall nights in the tent where the silence was filled by nature and I found myself at peace. The darkness it seems had finally been pushed away. 

The darkness overtook me in grief, suffering, guilt, shame, loss, and an overall feeling of worthlessness. Even feeling the touch of the Almighty God, and the electricity run through my body, the voice that echoed in my head, quickly became attacked by the lies of the enemy. This was perpetuated by the further loss of those around me. The exodus I experienced, all alone with my demons in the night, I found myself quieting the voices with medication and alcohol. The days turned to weeks and the medicated numbing kept the voices at bay, but at a cost. I was losing myself, and my witness. I was adding to the chains that held me down, that were crushing me and I couldn’t see beyond my own pain. 

Nights of delirium, blackouts that left social media, text messages, and phone calls of a person with no idea what was said, or done, but that of a man who consistently made a complete fool of himself. While this lasted but a few weeks and the wakeup call came from a concerned, and trusted advisor, thankfully no permanent damage was done. But who am I now? Isn’t that the question? Four years later, who am I? Where have I gone in all those years? I have been thinking about the challenges that shape us, that mold us to who we are. What happens when pressure is applied to a sword? Of course if enough is applied it breaks, but of normal usage it’s strong able to withstand blows and beatings of battle after battle. This of course is after the sword is forged and heat treated. When a sword is forged it goes through a rigorous process of beating the steal, shaping it, molding the hot metal into the desired shape, one prepared for war. 

I look at the four years, but realize that while it’s been a long time, I’ve got faith. I realize that it’s that faith and strength that is not of my own, but given to me, bestowed upon me by my Almighty Abba Father. The four years it seemed, or rather felt, as if it were a long night, and finally the sky lights with the rising sun. Out of the ashes of a life, rises a new existence, as scripture says “a new creation.” I’ve been through the fire and God took those hardships and used every bit of it, to strengthen my very soul. 

After losing my marriage and watching that fall to ashes, and then the ‘incident’, a short stay at a bed and breakfast, then losing my job, rupturing the disc and then the house, and watching my future plans go up in smoke, I was left lost at sea. I spent years trying to find my way, but floundered in the darkness. I started school, but merely felt as if I were going through the motions. I started writing and there I found focus. There I found purpose. Was God showing me how to focus my thoughts, and feelings? Was God showing me that there was reason for what I was going through? School would come to a close and be completed. All of that would lead me to where I am today. Of course there were ups and downs in there. There was someone who came into my life two years into the journey who would become a reminder to stay on track. Covid of course through everyone’s life a curveball, but of course, what is the point of all this? 

The point is, we never know how long the storms will last, or even the darkness. The hardships come and go, but what remains is the kind of person we want to be, shown in how we handle those hardships. Are we going to make mistakes? Sure, we all do, but our actions are truly what defines us. When we make a mistake, we need to swallow our pride, and own up to it. David, a man after God’s own heart, ran from his obligations, and in doing so, created turmoil for him the rest of his life. From avoiding war, to Bathsheba, to conspiracy to commit murder, to coverup, to failure in maintaining the law. David would be punished for his mistakes, but in the end, he would acknowledge them, and repent of his sins. Make no mistake though, the bill comes due. When we error, there are repercussions for those mistakes, even when we are forgiven. Let me explain this. Scripture tells us that when we ask for forgiveness, a deep heart felt plea for forgiveness, God wipes our slate clean, white as snow. While we are forgiven, we must still be held accountable for our sins. For every action there is a reaction. Our actions while here on this Earth have repercussions, and we must know that, our sins create a ripple effect to all those around us. Everything we do, from Sins such as adultery, to stealing, to lying, to murder, even idolatry, all have massive ripple effects to the world around us. No sin just effects ‘you’, but it truly does affect everyone around you. 

At my lowest point I found myself alone, and desperate to feel something else. Mistakes will happen, but we must learn from them. We must ask for wisdom to see the error in our ways, but the chance to learn and grow, and be better today than we were yesterday. Failure is often viewed as a negative thing, but I argue that without failure we do not truly grow. We must study our failures to learn why we failed, how we failed, and then take those lessons. Much like the Sword of Gryffindor, we must be forged by what makes us stronger, what makes us better. Far too often we hold onto shame, guilt, regrets, and we become stuck. Instead we must take what makes us better, what lessons we need for tomorrow, and leave behind the rest. The scars remain but a reminder of the struggle, the survival, not to be victim, but to thrive in life, knowing how fragile it truly is. Scripture tells us we are but a vapor in the wind. James 4:14 “whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” We cannot stay in the past, nor can we stay worrying about the future, but we need to have a broad view. We must be able to analyze the past, live in the moment, and lay the foundation for tomorrow. We must trust that the Lord will establish our steps, but we must keep our compass fixed on Jesus. We must walk with Jesus allowing him to be within us. We must not allow the world to pull us astray, because it’s easy to do. Satan wants to tempt us away, ever so slowly at a time till we are so far away, when we look up, we have no idea how we got so lost. We must continuously stop and check our azimuth, and do a spiritual check-up. 

We can’t live in the past, chained in bondage, but we should focus on our tomorrow in Christ, Jesus. Every day we make the choice how we behave, how we think, what we watch, what we say, what we do. Traumas, and heartbreak are difficult to overcome, but there are ways to do so. We can heal and move forward and beyond the hurt. In my life, I have seen horrific things, dealt with traumas, and have even failed miserably in handling them. In those failures lessons have been learned, and God usually gives us a chance to make things right, when we ask for them. Never lose sight of the big picture, and that’s Christ. Don’t be conformed to the world. Be the change you want to see, and live your life in love, knowing we know how to love, because Christ loved us first. 

I cannot say where my next four years will have led me, but right now, my future is bright. I am cautiously optimistic. It’s easy to get caught in the excitement of the new, the joy in the planning, but I am fully aware, there is a storm brewing on the horizon. When you are doing the Lords work, Satan doesn’t sleep. He wishes to destroy everything built in the name of Christ. He wishes to demoralize every positive thing we do. We must always be aware, and ready for the storms coming. So while I see a future in front of me, it’s not yet in focus. Whatever my future holds, I know that the last four years have prepared me for tomorrow, and I cannot, I will not allow these four years to have been in vein. To new adventures. 

Not a victim, but a Survivor

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Not a victim, but a survivor

I’ve been considering what it means to go through a divorce you didn’t ask for. I’ve been considering what it means to suffer through it twice. For many, divorce can be devastating, for some it can be like being set free from Hell. For me, I’d say both times it was the first. I didn’t want, nor did I ask for this to happen. What I do know, is I will not be considered a victim, I will a survivor. The pain felt deep within my very soul has affected me profoundly. As I have traveled this world I have seen many men and women in need, I have seen many and in my time I have happened upon much I have found it in myself to stop and provide aid. I have been so many times the Good Samaritan.

As a survivor I have had my brushes with death, more then most. I have seen the evil in man’s heart; I have witnessed it first hand. I have watched good men die; I have had them die in front of me as I stood by powerless to stop it. I have seen the cruelty and the lies others will tell to their own selfish natures and desires. I have seen those stand idly by and do nothing, I have seen those who support the ill intent that has befallen me and even with all the bad that’s happened, I have emerged from the filth and the mud, and I have been blessed by God. I know that there will be trials ahead, and I know that there will be troubled waters. As I navigate through the blackest of nights, I know that there are those out there who support me, who love me for me, who believe in what I’m doing.

There’s a whole wide world out there for me to explore. There’s a whole lot of hurt I’d like to be able to make a little better for those whom I care about. As I revisit the Good Samaritan, where are we and what are we? Are we the priest, the Levite, the Samaritan, or the ill intent that left the man on the side of the road half dead? Are we the innkeeper that was paid to aid the man? Where we fall in the spectrum and why? I have often found myself questioning where have all the good men gone, and where are all the good women. I have often found myself questioning the business of our society today that we are on the go from dawn till dusk. We see ourselves running and running, and as our priorities are set, what then is left out of our 24 hour day?

No I’m not a victim of ill intent, I am a survivor. I have survived more then my fair share, and I continue to fight the fight every day. I one day want to be able to look my loved ones in the eye and tell them I too have fought the good fight, I have kept the course, and I too have finished the race. I want to leave behind a legacy for my family to be proud of. I was not born into a world that is so fallen there is no hope. I believe in the Hope of Jesus Christ, and I believe that those who follow Him, those who believe in the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, that those who follow that in their hearts and show the world that’s where hope is born, that there are still good people out there, and that my God is a living God living in us every day. I believe that as we put our faith in God, that the people who believe in God are bound to find others, that attract others in the name of the Lord.

We can see the hope around us, we can see the small spark even in the darkest of night if we keep our eyes open. Although man will fail you, and man will disappoint you, knowing that the Holy Spirit can and does wonders for the human heart, that tomorrow as doom and gloom as it appears, is only one day in the vastness of forever. Find yourself the light in the darkness, and you too may be able to say one day who you are in the story. Define yourself by the content of your heart, and allow yourself to be defined by what you do, and how you treat others along the path. The Ill Intent, The Samaritan, The Traveler, The Priest, or the Levite. The Choice is yours.

To the brink and back a survivors story

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To the brink and back a survivors story

A while back a guy I knew was going through a pretty rough time. He was depressed, and he was lonely with the whole world around him. His beautiful wife seemed to be going through a lot on her side of the fence also. See they’d been together for a while and there seemed to be some distance growing between them. He wanted to rush in and fix it, he wanted to be there and close the gap. She wanted space, and distance, and she started to grow attached to someone else. Eventually the affair would occur and he’d be left with trying to pick up the pieces of a broken home. When he realized there may be something deeper going on he decided to stay and fight. He devoted himself to doing things differently, hoping that she’d see the change and stay, but that’s not what happened. She left and with it taking the last bit of dignity he had. The day the gunshot rang out the world as he knew it changed. No hope, no belief that tomorrow would ever be better, he was overwhelmed and something snapped. His fight or flight response shut down and all he could see was his own pain. He wasn’t considering anyone else, or how his actions might affect them, and sadly, his actions would drastically hurt others. He chose the least vital place he could think of to cause pain but not death. He put a 9mm hallow through his shoulder. He knew it wouldn’t hit much because there’s not much there to hit. He was wrong though and the mistake nearly killed him. The bullet chipped his left clavicle when the gun jumped as he pulled the trigger. The bullet changed direction going down through his lung fracturing 3 ribs before going out his back. Ribs 2,3, and 7 each fractured and as the lung collapsed he lost consciousness. The pain he caused the loved ones around him was extensive. His blood loss should have killed him, but in the later weeks as he recovered he would tell the story how he apologized to God and God sent him back. Many people have been skeptical if what he heard and felt was just in his head, but it was strong enough to change who he is to this day.

While he still suffers from the injuries both physical and emotional the ones he’s most concerned with now are the people he hurt. His wife was traumatized by the incident. He told me once that he didn’t think she’d care one way or another. The problem is when we are consumed by our own pain it’s difficult, nay impossible to see or feel the pain from others. We can’t allow pain, and grief, and anger to fill us up to the point of absolute blindness to the people around us who love us and care for us. Even when there are arguments, or disagreements, that doesn’t mean the person hates you, it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. No matter the pain we feel we can’t let that push us to do crazy dangerous things. Tomorrow will always come, and it’s better to win the war than the battle. There’s so much anger towards him by his friends for what he did. For a long time he didn’t understand that anger, he felt like he was the victim. The truth is they are both right. In each perspective pain was dealt. Traumas were experienced by those who were there and took care of him lying on the ground bleeding, and friends felt as if he was leaving them all behind to fend for themselves. Suicide is often looked at as a coward’s way out, and to some that perspective may be their truth. We must understand the nature of a vantage point, and learn to see beyond our own ideals, our own feelings, and try to understand the feelings of others. Not to say truth isn’t truth because it is. There are things we must know are true and there’s no debate in that truth. But when there’s a feeling behind a thought we must not allow ourselves to degrade someone because feelings are powerful. We don’t want to inadvertently pass judgment and do more harm because we don’t know why they feel a particular way, what got them to that point.

This is particularly important in a marriage. We may disagree on particular areas but the biggest question is, is the fight worth it? As the old saying goes, learn to pick your battles. If my friend could do one thing it would be take away the pain he caused. He often comes to me for prayers and for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a tricky thing when it comes to forgiving yourself. When we walk through life every day and are reminded of the pain we caused, it’s difficult to forgive ourselves when we know others haven’t forgiven us. The best things we can do is pray, and hope for forgiveness someday. We can never take back our actions, our words, but we can try to be mindful of what we say and do because those things can have lasting repercussions. Self-forgiveness starts with repentance. We can apologize but something big like that, it’s important to show those within your orbit that you truly are sorry for it, and know that you are trying everything you can do to make it better. My friend’s told me time and again how badly he wishes he could go and take back what happened that day. As he starts going down that rabbit hole I remind him often of the song by Casting Crowns, “What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again, and unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away from the you, you once knew, now yesterday’s shame keeps saying that you’ll never get back on track.” The truth in that is you’ll never get back to the you, you once knew. You’re never too far gone, but even as you turn around you’ll never be the same. It’s not about being the same, you don’t want to be the same. You want to be stronger, you want to be confident, and embrace your mistakes so you’ll never have to relive them again. God’s always with us no matter how far off track we get, and if you believe that after one step in the right direction the rest of the steps will get easier over time. When you’re walking on that path walking through the fire you burn your old self away. Hard Love by NeedToBreath “It’s not enough to just feel the flame You’ve gotta burn your old self away.” Embrace the fire and allow yourself to undergo the transformation to follow Christ. It’s a hard love but it’s worth it in the end. Give up and fall under God’s grace.

If my friend can come back from such a near death experience and be showered in God’s love, God’s grace and God’s blessings you can to. He turned his life around and everything he’s suffered through he takes none of the credit for his continued survival. Everything he has now he knows came from God, and he knows he wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for Gods grace. He’s got some great opportunities coming up and he’s excited to see how he can use his life, his gifts for Christ. I hope many of you can see the power of Gods grace and love. Let his life and success story be an inspiration to all of you. God Bless.