Tag: suffering

Parasite

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Parasite

Are you allowing people to stay in your life who only come around for encouragement, or when they need something? These people drain your emotional resource but never replenish it. These people will never or rarely be there for you. I have had many difference parasites live in my life. I’ve had people who only come around when it’s convenient for them. These people come around to refill their supply of good vibes and then when they are full, they move forward again. Most of my life I’ve had people seem to use me for whatever they wanted, and then when it no longer suited them, they left. I’ve been host to many parasites over the years. One of my faults is not knowing that I’m being taken advantage of. Even people I’ve cared about have used me for their personal gain and once their goals were achieved, again, thrown away. People can truly be parasites and latch on and just like a leach, suck away your passion, your joy, your love, and leave you with next to nothing.

Recently I had a situation come up that really got me thinking about how others think.

About seven weeks ago I started talking to this seemingly nice lady online. We’d been talking on and off for that whole time, and finally the question came up ‘are we compatible’? I took a long look at what was on my list, and what I believe in, and what she believed in, and my answer was no, we aren’t. However, I felt that there was plenty of good qualities to maintain a friendship. When I told her I didn’t think a relationship would work, she abruptly said goodbye. I had a few minutes to talk with her about why she was leaving and no matter how I reasoned for a friendship, she was insistent on an all or nothing relationship. This struck me as odd because she would be willing to move into a relationship based on the last seven weeks but felt nothing about leaving a friendship. How can you talk to someone for seven weeks and be okay with a romantic relationship but you’re so quick to leave a friendship. I always thought you must have a good solid foundation of friends before the relationship can really flourish.

This situation has prompted me to ask a very important question, ‘if we aren’t compatible for a relationship are you willing to be friends?’ The question seems simple enough, but it’s led me to wonder what people s true motives are, and what drives them. There was no thought to how I would feel in this particular situation, only what was in it for her. Now, on the flip side I can hear some of you thinking ‘maybe she really liked you and she couldn’t just be friends.’ While yes, this is always a possibility, I didn’t get that impression at all in the conversation. With everything she had said, she really couldn’t see a benefit to being friends. This of course triggered an emotional response from me, as I questioned yet again my self-worth. It’s not easy feeling that kind of rejection. I’m sure she felt some form of rejection also, but she knew our beliefs weren’t the same and weren’t compatible so she also said no in a way, but the rejection was a friendship. I wonder what I failed to do in those seven weeks to show myself as a worthy friend. I wonder why I wasn’t good enough to be a friend. The thing is, and this is easy to say, hard to believe, it wasn’t about me at all. This was about what I could be for her, and that was her only thought. She too, thrives on taking from others, and cares little about what she gives in return.

Scripture talks about those who would take from you, use you, abuse you, and yet, I think it’s often overlooked. So many relationships are symbiotic and while sometimes this is a good thing, there are forms of symbiotic relationships that are harmful to one or both of the symbiont. The four types are mutualism, commensalism, parasitism, and competition. The one we’re going to discuss is parasitism. This is where one of the symbiotes is gaining something by taking it from the other relationship. In essence, calling someone a parasite in your life is not only accurate, but it happens in nature quite often, and people are no different. Remember though, you have a choice, you have a choice to live a life in love, or hate.

An article I found https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/one-sided-relationship/1269161gives a good account of the warning signs to look for if you think you may be in one of these relationships. It’s pretty clear these relationships are harmful, and must not be a long-term relationship. I encourage you to turn to scripture when you think you may be in this situation. Luke 8:17 (NKJV)17 “For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light” Remember that people aren’t going to be up front about their intentions, and they may not even realize what they are doing is harmful. It’s important to approach with love, and show concern towards the relationship and attempt to get your partner to change their ways. However, if this doesn’t happen, you need to have a long conversation with God about what’s best for you to do. You will be surrounded by opinions, and those may be good, they may be bad, but no matter what surrounds you, it’s important to followHebrews 12:1 (NKJV)“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,”

Remember that if you are abundant with love, and a giving nature you are wealthy in spirit. People will want this, and it’s not just a wealth of money people seek, but anything that can be given is an object of affection. People sometimes want to have someone to serve them, or be their punching bag. People in abusive relationships are also in that symbiotic relationship, and as you give up your self to stay in that relationship, you are giving the other person power, control, by giving up your own. They thrive on that, and as long as you’re willing to stay, they will continue to feed on that. Proverbs 19:4“Wealth maketh many friends; but the poor is separated from his neighbour.”

Fear not though, because there is always a way out, and if you don’t know what that may be, or you need help figuring out the best course of action, or if you just need someone to talk to about it, I urge you to seek Godly counsel. I urge you to take a long hard look at what’s going on in your life. If your resource is being drained, perhaps counseling is needed, couples counseling, or individual at the very least. James 1:5“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” Seek God first in every situation, and trust that there is still hope. If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, I urge you to seek help right away. I urge you to stand up for yourself by removing yourself from a dangerous situation. Second is an emotionally abusive relationship, I urge you to seek counsel right away. Attempt to get into counseling, and see if you can change the statuesque.

No matter where you are in your life, always proceed with love. You can love someone, but that doesn’t mean they are healthy for you. As such you can love an addiction, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you. You must have discernment with who you give abundantly too. Trust in the Lord to watch over you, and protect you. This doesn’t mean the Lord will snap his fingers and your abuser will stop abusing, but more, the Lord will give you a way out, people that will help you, but only if you seek. I’ve heard before “why did God let my ______ to abuse me?” See, God doesn’t let anyone get away with anything. Those things happen, but God doesn’t forget. You always have the ability to leave. It may not be easy, but you can leave. You will have to make a choice in your life, and trust in God to be there with you no matter what you choose to do.

If any who reads find yourselves in any of these situations, please pray about what you need to do, and please be sure to seek Godly counsel and help. Make sure you are safe and not in a dangerous situation. God will be with you, and God will be there to comfort your spirit. You don’t have to stay in those kinds of relationships. If you are a person who gives and gives and people take advantage over your kindness, your generosity, pray about what you are doing. What you have is a gift from God and we are told in scripture to use our gifts wisely and for what is edifying of the Holy Spirit. Love everyone, but don’t enable bad behavior. Use your gifts on those who truly need and appreciate them. Don’t waist your energy, your hard work, or even your own hard-earned money in some cases on those who aren’t willing to work for themselves. Use discernment in all you do.

I am praying for all of you that this post may touch in a special way, and I pray God gives you what you need to a better tomorrow.

Encouragement

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Encouragement

You might be going through so much today, broken hearted, jobless, health issues, family problems, no matter what you’re going through know that Psalm 118:24“Today is the Lord has made so be glad and rejoice in it.” We can worry ourselves sick, and we can stress over everything going on in our lives, but and I get it, it’s easy to forget the most important thing to remember, God is still on the Throne. I know what it’s like to see the worst humanity has to offer. I know what it’s like to face unknown health problems. I have been through two horrible divorces, so I know that there are days when the world seems like its going to fall down on your head. Rest assured it isn’t, and no matter how dark it may seem today, Jesus is always with you. If you feel you can’t make it, just start with baby steps. Realize that tomorrow is a tomorrow problem. If you can’t face tomorrow, face today. You are a child of the King, and you are royalty, made for a purpose. Jesus loves you, and as you are known before you took your first breath, know that God knows every hair on your head, and you are just the way He wants you to be. Tomorrow might look scary, and you may think there’s no way out of your current situation but there always is. God never sends us into a problem without the tools to fix it. God always equips us to handle any situation we may face. Sometimes that’s the people God puts in our path, sometimes it’s a song on the radio, but He always gives us what we need. It’s our job to go through life with an open heart, and a love of Jesus Christ, and trusting and having faith in our place with the Lord. No matter if our path is to beautiful streams, green pastures, or the valley of death, the Lord is with you always.

I have had my share of ups and downs, and lately the struggle of depression has been very real for me. I have questioned if I’d be alone for the foreseeable future, and I’ve wondered if my living situation would ever change. I have doubted my self worth, and I have questioned my place in this world. You aren’t weak if you ask yourself these things, or if you feel these things, you’re normal. Dealing with life can be difficult, but when you truly understand that Jesus is the Truth, The way, the life, we know that there is hope on the horizon. It can be hard to see sometimes, and through the pounding of the storm, it can most certainly be hard to hear, but know that Christ is walking next to you every step of the way. When we are at our lowest we often search for meaning, we want answers to why we’re suffering, and it’s simple, sinful world. Our suffering is caused by our own sin, the sin of others, or just nature. Christ overcame sin, and gave us something to look forward to. Remember though even in our salvation, is a story of pain and sacrifice. Jesus bore the cross, took the beating, faced the pain, and the ridicule so we wouldn’t die without hope. Who are we to think we won’t suffer a little along the way if our own savior suffered for us? The Apostles were without hope in this days and nights after Christ’s crucifixion. They were lost and discouraged, but the morning came on the third day and Christ returned. The doubts were laid to rest as they found he was truly resurrected. After that they went with hope, with love, and with confidence to face the world in which they would most surely die for what they would preach. They didn’t fear what would come, so why should we? We may not have been able to walk with Jesus, but Jesus walks with us, and is in our hearts if we only let Him change our lives. Jesus can heal a broken heart, can give us peace in the storms, and show us the way through the fire. All we are asked is not to be afraid, and be courageous. Find your strength in Christ, and never give up the fight.

Snap, Crackle, What?

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Snap, Crackle, What?

Have you ever been in physical pain? I’m betting most of you have been at some point. Yesterday, I was at my physical therapy appointment and we were working on a spot of pain in my mid back. The likely suspect was a rib that wasn’t quite in place. It seems between a fractured rib, and a damaged lung, two years ago it may not have set quite right. It occurs to me that one of the things we rarely understand is why we are afflicted with physical ailments, and how those pains can be used to glorify God. When I think about the passion of Christ, I think about pain, suffering beyond anything I could ever imagine. I think about the flesh being torn from bone, the lacerations, the tearing of muscle, and how agonizing that must have been. I don’t think I would be able to endure that kind of pain. I think about the drive one must have had to go through that voluntarily. I don’t think I would volunteer for the pain I have right now. But the love Christ showed us, knowing he could have stopped at any time, is truly showing grace upon humanity. Romans 8:18“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” The suffering we have today is nothing compared to what we will have in Heaven IF we know God, and know our savior Jesus Christ. While our physical pain may be an inconvenience, I give you this, do not let it become a roadblock, merely a speed bump. Pain doesn’t mean the end, it simply means different. While I’ve never watched the movie, much to my shame, the movie Soul Surfer comes to mind. A young woman, an amazing surfer was attacked by a shark and lost part of her arm. Instead of letting that destroy her hopes and dreams, she rose up, and learned to surf with only one arm. I have a friend who loves to surf, he lost his leg in Iraq and he surfs regularly with his prosthesis. While there are days he hurts, he doesn’t let it stop him from doing what he loves.

It occurs to me that we have a choice when it comes to getting older. We can complain about our physical pains, or we can find a way to overcome them. We can choose whether or not to let that pain be the victor over us. While some pain may be debilitating, I believe even then we can somehow use that situation to still glorify God. The whole idea is knowing Christ suffered, and we will too. We aren’t going to live a perfect pain free life, but we should truly be honored to know that when we follow Christ we are going to share in eternal blessing. 1 Peter 2:21“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.” Knowing we follow in Christ’s steps is humbling. Knowing that we are given the opportunity to be with the King of the Universe and that we are loved so much that even though we are filthy sinners, that we will be made clean, that we will transform, and one day enter the gates of perfection for all eternity, is simply beautiful. The wonders of Heaven are far greater then our minds can comprehend, but when we think of it, we must grasp even a little so we may appreciate what we have here.

The pain we have now, is only for a little while in the scales of life eternal, so don’t loose hope. We know what awaits us, and we know that somehow the pain we have can be used to adore God, used to praise God, and we should never pass an opportunity to do so. There is a message to be shared in every situation if we take the time to examine scripture and our current condition and circumstance. Don’t loose hope, there is a better tomorrow ahead.

Temptations

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Temptations

What do you struggle with? I think everyone suffers with some kind of temptation. Temptations can be difficult to ignore or fight. In scripture we see Jesus tempted by Satan after 40 days in the desert. Those temptations were to appeal to Jesus’s physical pain, his power, and his pride. These are often 3 things we see tempt us every day. The 4this physical satisfaction. Often times we can be tempted by things that on the surface seem to make physical or emotional pain going away, by making our bodies or our minds feel good, but it’s only masking the symptom. Much like modern day pain relievers, you can take an Advil for pain, and while it will help with the pain, once it wears off the pain comes right back. You must find the cause and deal with the cause. We cannot get bit by a spider and put a Band-Aid over it and expect that’s going to make it all better. You can cover it all you want, but left untreated some spider bites can be fatal.

We see in Matthew 4:1-11 the temptation of Jesus. Matthew 4:1-11“4 Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. 2 And when He had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry. 3 Now when the tempter came to Him, he said, “If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.” 4 But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’ ” 5 Then the devil took Him up into the holy city, set Him on the pinnacle of the temple, 6 and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down. For it is written: ‘He shall give His angels charge over you,’ and, ‘In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone.’ ” 7 Jesus said to him, “It is written again, ‘You shall not [a]tempt the Lord your God.’ ” 8 Again, the devil took Him up on an exceedingly high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. 9 And he said to Him, “All these things I will give You if You will fall down and worship me.” 10 Then Jesus said to him, [b]“Away with you, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only you shall serve.’ ” 11 Then the devil left Him, and behold, angels came and ministered to Him.”

 In scripture we see Jesus repel Satan each time. Jesus turned to scripture and at each temptation repelled Satan’s advances. When we are tempted do we drop to our knees in prayer? Demons cannot stand before Christ. I have found in my walk when I am tempted if I pray, and I mean really pray, my temptations subside and I’m able to carry on with my day. If temptations such as drug use, alcohol, online pornography, gambling or other addictions plague you, first and foremost seek help. Second, pray and talk to God about finding the piece of your hearts that’s missing that you’re ultimately trying to fill. We all struggle, and we will all fall, but that doesn’t mean you have to allow that temptation to have power over you. We cannot allow ourselves to bend a knee to be controlled by substance, or addiction, or poor decisions. We must learn how to repel these attacks, and focus on our walk with the Lord. When the Apostle Paul wrote to the city of Ephesus he explained the protections from Satan’s fiery attacks would need to be the whole set of Armor. Ephesians 6:10-18 tell us from head to toe we must be covered by the Holy Spirit. We must not allow our minds to be corrupted. We must protect our heart, and never allow our heart to be deceived by sinful matters. We must allow our feet to dig in and never loose ground to the oncoming attacks. We must hold up the word as our shield to repel the flaming arrows. We must poise the buckler and ready ourselves for battle. No matter what the attack is, or where it comes from, we must learn to stand tall as a warrior. We have the power because we know, if we are with God, no one can stand against us. No matter what happens to us in this life, we are promised salvation to all those who believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the father, that he was crucified and was buried. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of scripture. He is seated at the right hand of the father. He watches over all of us from Heaven and we are never alone as the Holy Spirit is always with us.

Stand firm against sin and temptation. Don’t fall victim to the lies and never allow your heart to be tempted to harden. Anger and hatred are powerful, and as sin can tempt you to do bad things, you can be tempted to anger just as easily. Fight back with the only true weapon we have, and that’s the Word of God. Rise above the sinful worldview and know that just because the world deems something is okay, doesn’t mean it is. Don’t allow sin to control you, and don’t allow your power to be taken away but it. You have the power of the Holy Spirit inside you, and when you are with God, nothing can truly break you. Find your foundation in the Lord and build your life from there. Always put God first and the rest will fall into place. I’m not saying there won’t be hardships and trials, but you will find your purpose when you walk with the Lord. Temptations will have no power over you.

 

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You Wanna Know How I Got These Scars?

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You Wanna Know How I Got These Scars?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and noticed the scars you have? I have scars I see every day when I look in the mirror. My body is covered with scars from years of unfortunate accidents, injuries, and just a result of a rough life. I don’t just see the physical scars in the mirror but the emotional ones also. I was told recently that the traumas and trials I’ve faced are enough for maybe 3 peoples lifetimes. I had never really thought about it like that before. All I think about is how horrible it’s been sometimes, if I think about them at all. One of the things I was very good at was not dealing with my emotional pain. I tried to bury it and run away forgetting where I put it. Sadly, when it comes to grief and pain, you can’t outrun it. What you bury will come back to haunt you, and it’s usually pretty angry when it does. I recently wrote a blog post talking about running from grief. https://thearrowpreacher.wordpress.com/2018/05/29/man-on-the-run/ I won’t be rehashing an old topic. Instead in this post, I’ll be discussing how to use those scars to your advantage.

In 34 ish years I’ve seen a lot of things, and I’ve been to a lot of places. I’ve seen the world from the 3rdworldview, and I’ve seen the world from a luxury hotel downtown Chicago. No matter where I’ve gone one thing has been certain, the Holy Spirit has been right there with me the whole time. From the age of a little kid I have felt the Holy Spirit with me. I have moved through life feeling the Holy Spirit, yet running from an obvious calling within my life. Most of my life I have felt as if something were missing. I have felt a sense of lacking and never quite feeling useful. I have lacked purpose in my life. I thought my purpose was to be a good friend, a good husband, but although in my biased opinion, I am a good friend, and I am a good husband, or more accurately was a good husband, I now realize something new. For each scar I have a story. Each story is a chance to reach out to someone in need. Purpose will always be, where God is sending you. Today, I sit here thinking about each one of my scars mental and physical, and I have slowly started to realize what the purpose after all these years may have been.

When I think back to a man with scars I am reminded of the Apostle Paul. He suffered a great deal of physical torment throughout his ministry. Through the book of Acts you see Paul’s struggles. You see him get beaten, shipwrecked, stoned, hunted, imprisoned, and yet as he talks about how far he’s come. Galatians 6:17“17 From now on let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.” I for one cannot imagine the pain he must have been in every day. In a time where most serious injuries would likely cripple or kill someone, he managed to keep going despite his injuries. It wasn’t as if they could go to the nearest CVS or Walmart and get Tylenol. Not being able to set broken bones, or take anti inflammatory, or even penicillin must have made healing very difficult. Here’s a man that literally took beatings and  torture for God, never once throwing up his hands and saying, ‘Nope, I made it all up, Jesus was a nobody.’ Even till Paul’s dying day, scars and all, he maintained his position that Jesus Christ was the Son of God, the truth the way the light. His scars were his testimony and what a testimony he had! I have spent a lifetime wondering why I’ve been through so much. I’ve often sat in the dark, yelling to God to answer my questions. After 34 years I may have finally gotten the answer I have been waiting for.

When you pick up your cross you will find persecution. In persecutions you will find both physical and emotional scars are part of the journey. Scars are sometimes badges of honor when we are a blessing to Jesus. Our scars are a reminder of where we’ve been, and a lesion learned no matter what caused the scar. Sometimes a scar is gained by playing with friends. Sometimes a scar is from someone doing unspeakable things to you. No matter where your scars are from, either good or bad, we can always take away some kind of lesson. I’ve seen many people after a trauma turn cold and bitter towards the people around them. I can’t say I’m innocent either. I have become angry when I’ve been hurt. I’ve seen people destroy lives, destroy families after suffering from loss. We will always have scars, but as a sword in the fire, we will either become brittle and break, or become strong and sharp. True courage is to face the pain, and face the troubled waters with honor and dignity and above all else, faith that God will use that pain for good, not for more suffering.

I have scars from surgeries, everything from knee, to hernia, to tonsillectomy, to cervical spine fusion, and more. I have emotional scars from death, from relationships, from war, and much more. When I look in the mirror I see a man who’s endured much, and yet I still stand. I face the world with hope, and with agape (love) in my heart for those around me. Even as I was going through a horrible divorce with my ex wife, and while there were things said and done that were beyond awful, I stood by her side and endured the pain and hardships. Now after all that time, we are talking, we spend time together, and we have a pretty amazing friendship. All the pain that was endured has allowed me to be there for her, now when she needs it. Living with Christ in your heart, loving deeply and not just what this world considers love anymore, is not an easy venture but God is watching and he will bless you for it. Pain is a hard thing to be stuck with, especially if you don’t know why, and you don’t know what to do with it. But I say to you, there is hope, and there is purpose. You will have to turn to God with love and prayer, and surrender in your heart. You will have to allow God to hold you up, and you will have to surrender over a piece of your self. Jesus Christ can heal your heart if you let Him. Jesus is always with you, and you just need to ask, and accept that without Christ we are nothing, but with Christ we are royalty to paradise. We are all soldiers, and with our scars of battle, we choose to surrender to the Devil, or fight for the throne in Heaven.

I was thinking back to an old post I wrote, and an old Sermon by Dr. David Chambers of my church. Why was our savior brought into this world as a baby? It was so that he would grow, and live among us, so we could relate to Him on a deep intimate level. His life had pain, and losses, and poverty, just like many of us. He survived the baby massacre, and then lost his Dad Joseph early in his life. He would grow to preach and teach God’s word, and when the time came he was tortured horribly, to just an inch of his life, and then he carried a heavy tree for a few miles, just to be placed on that tree and hung for all the world to see. Christ suffered horribly for each and every one of us, so we may one day live to live in eternal salvation. “Living is not for the weak.” (Arrow)It takes great courage to live with pain. It takes courage to find a path where you can use your pain for good rather then evil. How many stories have you seen or heard that started off with the villain saying ‘I was done wrong, so I’m going to make them pay.’ Or something along those lines anyway. Emotional pain is a strong motivator and it can cause good people to do awful things. Every one of us is capable of great things, or completely evil things. When we use our pain to heal from the truth written on those pages in scripture, then we are on the path to enlightenment.

Under the right situations your pain and suffering may be used to inspire and help others. I for one am starting to realize that all my life has been training. All the hardships I’ve faced and it being mostly traumatic incidences has given me the unique perspective to understand the nature of that kind of pain. I understand the pain of loosing a loved one to divorce. I’ve lost people in my life before, but my marriage this time was one of the hardest. The unfortunate event that occurred the day I found out my wife was leaving would forever be a day of great tragedy for me. That fateful day I succumbed to the pain and suffering that I spent so much effort running from. I’m ashamed of myself, and I still have a hard time believing it was me that day, but I have the scar to show for it. Today when I think back at my scars, I think now, how can I help others? How can I help prevent what happened to me, happen to anyone else? As I have been looking into my future since my security job imploded I have been led to believe ministry is my true calling. For years I looked at the ministry to be for someone much smarter, much braver, and much more people friendly. God uses the most unlikely of people sometimes to do His work. I have heard from many in ministry about running from their calling and how miserable their life was the whole time. Ministry is perhaps one of the hardest things to do, with some of the most stress in any job. Ministry comes with some of the most emotional drain out there, but people are genuinely happier, despite the level of stress that comes with.

I realized my traumas have been preparing me to help others get through theirs. Through most of my incidences I didn’t have a therapist, or a chaplain there to help me through. I was left to navigate the minefield, and as it became more and more dense with each passing trauma, I was bound to step on a landmine. When I finally stepped on one, and I ended up in the hospital, I was faced with a fundamental change in my life. It was the beginning of the end of a path I had been on for 7 years of a career, and 32 years of my life. Through it wasn’t easy for me to face facts, eventually, that closure would come from God as my job in security would end abruptly and with finality. I know many of you have endured great pain and suffering, and you can’t see any reason why you were made to suffer. First off let me say that there are a lot of reasons we are hurt. Sin is the most likely for most. Health is next in line. Then lastly personal choice to make bad decisions causes many of our struggles. No matter what flavor of pain you have, know that it is up to you to find a scriptural purpose for it. I have decided that my vast knowledge of all kinds of different pain and trauma makes Christian Crisis Counseling a perfect job for me. I can use my pain and suffering to inspire and guide others through their crucibles. I have chosen to embrace my pain instead of running from it. I have chosen to use my pain instead of burying it. If I can use my experience to help God’s people, it would be a sin not to.

I have run from God’s calling into ministry my whole life, and there’s always been something missing. I’ve always struggled with depression, and even though I’m not perfect and sometimes I still have my bad days, I am driven to continue my growth in the Lord. I pray to God to continue to show me my path, and to give me grace and mercy along the way. I fully expect the Devil to try and break me down during my journey, and any journey towards chaplaincy or pastoral ministry is going to fall under attack by the Devil. If we are going to follow in Christ we must live differently, so we can show others a different way to live. We must be productive in our faith, and not squander our experiences. I think of the things a father teaches a son. A father teaches their child how to treat others, how to be a responsible person, and how to love. They teach them how to do things around the house, how to hunt, and fish, and throw a baseball. But more importantly a Christian father will teach their kids, rather train their kids to be in Christ. I didn’t have a father growing up and I missed out on a lot of important lesions and experiences, but now I look to my Heavenly father for guidance and love, and approval. I have hidden behind my scars for so long, now I have to learn to embrace them and use them to help others. It won’t be an easy road, and I suspect there will be days when I will feel the weight of my decisions, but as Paul said to Timothy, I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. I too shall join that fight in ministry as I start my path to chaplaincy, and God willing maybe more.

There are days when my scars hurt, but I know God won’t ever leave me, He won’t ever forsake me, and I know now, my scars were not in vein. We must learn to see beyond our own pain, and trust that in all things we go through God is working it out so we may find peace, not sorrow. We live in a fallen world so pain and trials will come, but we don’t have to let it destroy us. I challenge each and every one of you to go out there and find your purpose in Gods plan. It’s likely your scars are for a purpose and that you can use them for good. Your scars can give you strength and understanding in areas perhaps others cannot. I challenge you to stop running from God and embrace your gifts and your life experiences. Pass on what you have learned, and remember failure is the greatest teacher you will ever have. Use your failures to help others see. Never give up on yourself because Christ wont’ ever give up on you.

 

 

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The Thorn

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The Thorn

We all have something I hope that keeps us grounded to not boast of ourselves being conceited. I hope we all have something that keeps us in our place and reminds us that we are nothing without Christ. For me, I do not know what my thorn in, but I know what I loose, and every time I think I’ve begun to gain, I loose again, and again, and again, friendships. I have struggled with my loneliness, and my self worth that has been reliant on the approval and acceptance of others. The problem I had faced was not realizing when I had actually been accepted. I set my standards so high, even I’m not sure anyone was able to reach them. I think growing up I put so much weight on the friendships I saw on TV. I think back to the show ‘Boy Meets World’, where I put so much on the friendship between Cory and Shawn. Two peas in a pod, and yet I don’t know if I ever felt that kind of friendship with anyone. Now, looking back, I consider the relationship between Cory and Tapanga, and though I’ve been married twice, I don’t know if either wife has ever felt for me the same as I did them. I don’t believe, now I’m looking back, that anyone has felt for me the devotion perhaps they should have in order to get married. The thorn in my side is my faith in people and being let down over and over by the failures of those people in my life. It isn’t about the small mistakes people make, it’s how easily people walk away like the relationship, or me in particular didn’t mean anything to them. This of all things has been my biggest struggle, my biggest reminder of where I am. 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 “7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

 I’ve been held in the grasp of fear, and loss, and rejection for far too long. I have given time, effort, and energy on people who have shown little respect for me. I have considered my life and experience to teach me how important close bonds are. I have had so many near death experiences I have figured out I view life and friendships and even more important, relationships as being so important in our life. I have always viewed that first thing in your life is God, and then second is those around you. With good friends and a good significant other you can actually achieve almost anything. It’s not about the quantity but the quality of the people you keep in your circle. For me, I have spent a lifetime trying to feel like I belong someplace. I have spent a lifetime feeling like an outsider, like I never fit in. To be honest I felt like young Hercules in the Disney film. The song ‘Go The Distance’ has been my theme song for many, many years. It’s kept me grounded to this world, and has kept me in perpetual agony all these years. Why couldn’t I find my place in this world? Why would everyone up and abandon me when the road got a little bumpy? I found the silence in my life to be defining, loud in my ears. The silence allowed my thoughts to be heard at a mile a minute. I couldn’t find how to silence them. The quiet turned my thoughts into a barrage of noise I couldn’t block out. The silence was a constant attack that would force me to listen to something, anything, just to drown out my own thoughts. The truth is though, it’s up for me to slow down, to focus, and pick and choose what I allow in. While I can’t say for sure if we can control our thoughts, we can control how we let them affect us.

Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” The whispers in our ear might be one of two things, the Devil’s lies and temptations, or the Holy Spirit guiding you. We often let our imagination run wild, and allow the worst thoughts to flood our minds. Those thoughts bring horrible feelings and anxiety, and with that it can bring depression, self-doubt, and a spiral downward we may not be able to stop. It’s in those moments I would implore you to focus on the moment. Proverbs 4:25 “Let your eyes look directly ahead And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.” Do not be fooled by the thoughts of tomorrow for you cannot control life moment to moment, only your own actions. We have two ways we can set our intentional focus. We can set them in the words of Mark 7:21 “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries,” Or we can focus on the words found in, Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Each is a choice of constant effort in perspective. Do not allow the thorn to be stuck in your side as a negative thing. Instead remember it keeps you grounded and humble in front of the Lord. Praise God for all things, the good and the bad. Praise God for the successes we have, and also the failures, which bring us to our knees. Do not be made a victim of the lies of this world, instead be a light that shines above the darkness. Use that thorn to push you, to drive you to be better, not to succumb to its effects. I am moving in a positive direction with my own struggles, and I know with time, energy, and lots of prayer, you can too. Never give up hope, and never stop trying to focus on the positive lessons we can learn.

 

I’m Not Weak

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I’m Not Weak

It’s not that I am weak if I fall. It’s not that I feel low, it’s about getting back up. I have fallen, and I feel like I’m laying on the ground. I feel battered and bloody. Am I weak because I took a hit and I fell? What is strength? Is strength that we never get it, or that when we do we find the ability to stand back up? While I’ll admit this has been the longer I’ve been down on the mat, I feel like I am making progress. I often feel that others have looked down upon me in judgment and have placed little thought about where I’ve come from. I often look to myself and place an unreasonable goal on myself. I look to myself and call myself weak for not being able to stand back up. While there’s no doubt I am trying, and there’s no doubt I have made progress, I don’t feel it’s been fast enough. I feel much of the time I’ve been on my own dealing with these feelings I have little experience with. Failure is not a stranger to my lips, but to this magnitude, to this extent, I have no frame of reference. The clock ticks and it’s maddening in my ears. The hours feel like years, and I watch as the civil war wages on inside my mind.

For years I watched men around me. Why didn’t I feel like I fit in? What was so different about me then others? I wrestled with my place for years. In school I didn’t fit in with the guys. I was an outcast, an anomaly. I watched the world move around me and I felt like a spectator instead of a player, I found the longer the status quo stayed the same, the wider the chasm grew. I was the friend to the ladies but rarely more. I was the annoying tag along for the guys, so I chose to walk the path of the lesser pain. I sat with the girls at lunch, I hung out with the girls out of school, and as I grew I was the one guy in the crowd of the girls. Not a bad place to be in my own mind, I was with the girls, but only as their friend. I found in time it was a place I could live to be. I learned to share my emotions, to communicate with the female persuasion, but in time the thing that once was a blessing seemed to become a curse.

How quickly innocence can be taken away. It’s funny how much some people change going through military training, and how some never let go of their old selves. During my training I dove into it. Mind body and soul I gave my all to learning all I could. I kept my innocence, I kept my core, I remained me. Through graduation I became more then I was. I was a soldier and I was proud of it. I left for a country foreign to me, to be the best soldier I could be. I grew, and I absorbed what I could. In my walk I kept a hole of my faith. Then the night we got the news, Lt. Brown was KIA. The war became real, and it was hard to imagine, he was gone. The morning my truck was ambushed, a well sought plan to kill the Americans. The memories from that day have stuck with me all these many years later. The facts were the fact, and I talked about the facts about what happened, but rarely have I discussed how I felt. How does anyone feel knowing someone tried to murder them? How does anyone feel in the face of so much hatred? We were trained to always put the mission first. We were trained to act, react, plan, and execute, but never did we talk about how to handle the emotions we would feel. For a year those emotions were buried, and rarely talked about. The mission tempo kept us busy, and we fought to stay alive every day. Even when we were on the base, our guard was never down because of the constant barrage of incoming mortars and rockets. We were such a hot bed of activity the USO couldn’t come to our base because it wasn’t safe enough. I remember going to Camp Anaconda and they had a pool, and movies, and a Burger King. The Green Zone obviously, a safe enough place to be. After all these years the memories have surfaced and after the events of September of 2016, it feels like all of a sudden the flood gates opened, and I’ve been trying to manage all of these incidences, all of these traumas and while I’m trying to put labels on the emotions, I feel as if I’ve shut down and I only take out some emotions per day. Am I weak, or the product of years of neglect?

I have found in my walk in the last year with this ministry I have grown. I can see the growth within myself, and even if I was a little biased, I have heard recently how much others have seen the growth within me. The fact is, we don’t know the pain someone’s in. We don’t know how strongly something has affected them, and it’s not for us to judge that pain. Instead it’s our place to be there to help them grow in Christ, and to offer mercy and grace to console them. In all our times we must learn there is a time for everything, and importantly, there’s a time to feel. Ecclesiastes 3:4 “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;” We don’t know how long it takes to heal. We don’t know how long it takes to feel. We don’t know what it’s like to loose, and to get back up and keep pressing on. We try to extend an olive branch by sharing our own experiences, and to that I say, there’s also a time and place. We need to learn when to listen, and when to speak. We need to learn when it’s the right time and place, and we need to find what we can do to help those who are suffering. Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” I don’t want to be told it’ll get better soon. I don’t want to be told things will get better. For over a year now I’ve heard the same cliché’ answers, and the broken record plays, and I don’t want to hear it anymore. We as people think we are in control but we aren’t. God’s in control, and all we can do is react to the situations we find ourselves in. We make our choices based on the good or bad in our hearts. In my time I’ve chosen to love and have faith in God despite my calamity. I have chosen to stand firm on the Word of God and have faith that when my time for prosperity comes, I will be blessed, whether it be in this life or the next. I trust in the Lord and put my faith in Him. This day shall pass, and when the storm passes I shall rebuild.

It’s not weak to take time to weep for a life lost. It’s not weak to struggle with the emotions from war. War changes people, and for me, I left something in the sand in that country so far away. It takes time to process, and to manage. I’m not weak because I have taken time for myself. I’m not weak for the tears I’ve shed for lost friends. I’m not weak, I’m human. My flesh is weak, but my faith is strong. I’ll never be the same as I was before all of this. I’ve seen so much, and I’ve lived through so much, all I can do now is share my experience and try to help someone else in need. I hope no one gets to the point I was. Let Jesus pick you up and give you shelter when you are in sorrow. Trust in the Lord when you’re in danger. Put all your hope in the Lord and believe that whatever hell you face here, paradise is waiting for you there. No matter if you are hurt, or angry, sad, or happy, in all things, try to uphold yourself in a dignified way pleasing to the Lord. Every one of our emotions is valid, it’s just a matter of how we manage them, how we face them. There’s a time and place, but if you have feelings you’ve not dealt with, it’s better to face them early, then wait till they have created other problems in your life. Don’t wait, act now. Face the pain, and face the day.

 

 

The Separate Path

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The Separate Path

We found one another and fell in love. We grew together and a life we made. The life we made was a house of cards, the wind came and it blew it down. Now looking at the wake of devastation, I watched in horror as the world didn’t make sense anymore. The tsunami that tore down everything in its path, it was a nightmare come to life. The blast from the atomic blast blinded me and left me helpless as I stood there frozen within my own mind. My body moved but my mind was trapped in a prison unable to escape. Failure was imminent and nothing would be able to stop the flood from coming.

Journey’s song Separate Ways sums up the last year pretty well for me. Having faith in the plan that isn’t my own is perhaps the hardest thing I’ve done. The horrible things we survive can either destroy us or it can propel us forward. When something happens to us in the past how does it affect us in the present? The nightmare that is left behind can play at any time during the day, find us in our sleep, and haunt us. But what if the demons of the past could be controlled? What if we could tame the beast and learn how to no longer allow it to control us? There may be hope if we but turn on the light to see in the dark.

Someone once asked me why I believed in God with so much pain and horrible things in this world. If God was so good then why are babies killed, why do innocent people get hurt? The answer is very simple. Free Will. Free will gives people the choice to decide their own path. We choose who we become friends with, and we choose the way we handle each and every event that comes to our life. Sometimes we make great choices, and other times we make choices that are self destructive. Sometimes our path’s are determined by the subconscious mind that wants what we know we shouldn’t have, but follow it anyway. Other people free will can harm people as innocent bystanders or out of cruelty or malice. God can interfere and sometimes does, but to put a stopper on free will in a fallen world of Sin would defeat the purpose of wanting His children to come to him freely. While miracles do happen, and God can play on someone’s heart, bad things are bound to happen.

I myself have been taken to the woodshed a few times. I’ve suffered at the hands of others, and I have caused suffering when I didn’t mean too. I’ve been brought to my knees and I’ve watched the world crumble and make no sense to what is up or down. While I’ve lost sight of the truth from time to time I always find my way back to the path. The Devil has tried to take me out of the game, to remove me from the board, but God’s plan for me is not yet finished. I can never apologize enough for the pain I have caused, and I can’t ever make it right. All I can do is try to atone for my mistakes. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and hope I get it. All I can do is try to make sure it never happens again and raise awareness for the perfect storm that hit me. While my path has diverged from that of those I love the most deeply in this life, I know that my love is not confined to my little part of this world, but that they know how I feel. I can never undo the past, but as I have fought to survive this last year, I keep in mind, there’s a reason to the pain. There’s a reason for the separate ways in my life, and I thank God for the blessings I do have.

Even though you’re gone I love you. Even though the end came I still care. God doesn’t abandon his Children. God never stops loving, and thus nor will I. Love in the deepest meaning of the word doesn’t die. Love always remains, and one-day love will concur all. Love isn’t weak; it’s the strongest thing in the universe. God will always provide, and even when we walk away from the path God will go off road with us. He may not approve of our choices, but he will always want us to come back. Faith in the truth, faith in the light, and the rest comes when you get your hands dirty with hard work. We may not think we’re strong enough, but when our strength runs low, we lift our eyes, and hands to the Lord and ask for help. We have faith that our needs will be provided for and in our hour of need, God will always provide. He provides every minute of every day, even if we don’t see the working of the little stuff. We don’t have to be strong enough, we just have to have faith. We can be broken, we can be lost, we can be afraid, but in God all things will be made right, and we can do all things because in Christ we are given strength, courage, love. Don’t loose sight of what’s important, and more importantly who. We only get a few people in our life that stay and make big impacts, don’t forget their face, don’t forget their name. Love can overcome anything. God’s love for us and the blood of our Savior shed for us was done in love freeing us from our eternal death, so if we could just love more like God, wouldn’t we be able to be happier too? Perhaps this Christmas you can start to love a little deeper.

Back To Life

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Back to life

The return to my normal life came back like a kick in the face. Less then 24 hours after my return I find myself right back in the war. My first appointment was supposed to be easy and straight forward and yet the VA’s propensity for failure is never without a small sense of irony.

While the appointment wasn’t a total loss, it was a quick reminder I’m no longer in paradise and I needed to be ready to pick up arms again and be ready for the impending fight.

When you return from a vacation, or in my case an intense clinic of physical and psychological exorcises designed to push, motivate, and rejuvenate your soul, it’s a challenge returning to life and watching as the difficulty continues.

It’s important to stay focused and realize that just because there are hiccups in the road doesn’t mean all is lost. I’m finding myself in a struggle to manage the emotional roller coaster, but as far as frustrations go, breaking out in chronic hives is high on my list. Breathing and trying to recall the serenity prayer is a big step for me to remaining focused on the big picture.

Heart On Fire

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Heart On Fire

The word kismet is a strange word is it not? In simple forms it means destiny or fate. We know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reasons are more important then we could ever realize. Sometimes we meet someone and it seems like they are cut from the very same cloth as ourselves. Just because two people may be from the same cloth, doesn’t mean the timing is right for those two people. One thing I’ve been thinking about looking back is what the bible says about timing. One thing I have grown to understand is patience in laying the foundation of something important to us. Galatians 6:9 “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

I’ve been watching as the tobacco fields have been plucked and loaded on trucks and taken to the possessing facilities. This year the fields didn’t go so well. The crop had a ton of water early on, and then drought set in, and then cold nights hit early. When farming there is a measure of patience, and it’s something us non-farmers have a hard time with. My biggest struggle is patience when it comes to love or matters of the heart. I’m not one to get angry easily, and I’m not one to blow my top quickly, but when it comes to love I don’t always know how and when to take a step back. 1 Corinthians 13:4 “Charity suffereth long, [and] is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,”

We must learn to have patience, Romans 8:25 “But if we hope for that we see not, [then] do we with patience wait for [it].” While loving the girl might be easy, knowing she doesn’t feel the same way is a struggle. Knowing that there are reasons I have to force myself to accept the reasons given, even if I don’t understand. Love is a fickle thing. Sometimes love can be there but it’s just not the right time. Romans 12:12 “Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;”

 While my heart burns, longing for a special lady, the truth hits me between the eyes. What once looked like a matter of certainty, what if I was wrong? What if I didn’t see what was in front of me because I didn’t want too? Hopefully I can find it in myself to be patient, be understanding, and push forward. While I know parts of the truth, the important part is my presence is wanted even if it’s not how I would want. I think in life all we can do is take it one day at a time, and hope for the outcome we want. All we can do is pray, and pray that our prayers are answered. We never know what God has in store for us, and all we can do truly, is either complain about it, or face it head on.

While my prayers are that she comes to me when she’s ready, but if not, that someone will come into my life and I will once again have a happy family. In the mean time, I will continue to do what I feel God wants me to do, and hope for the best outcome. Who Knows, maybe I’ll enter the exciting career of vigilante.