Tag: Sorrow

Hardships Endure 

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Hardships Endure 

It’s no secret that my life has been one of hardships, heartache, and difficulties. Not saying I haven’t had good times, even great times, but as a friend once told me, ‘if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.’ From an early age I have experienced hardships most people at my age couldn’t imagine, and wouldn’t have known what those hardships were called. As I was told, before I was three years old I knew the word Anesthesiologist. By the time I was three years old I had undergone 4 surgeries. By the time I was 16, I had 7 surgeries, and by the time I was 18 I had 9 surgeries. Needless to say, I was familiar with doctors and hospitals. 

By the time I was 19 I had moved several times. One of those times was a move by myself from Michigan across the country to Massachusetts. Each of the times, minus one, I moved by myself away from family. With every move I was left with heartache, and struggle. For most of my life I didn’t feel I had a home, and even now, I don’t have a place to call my own. The feeling of failure has been and is quite real for me. In recent months I have been given a grave diagnosis, and while I have been attempting to manage the emotional fallout, I find myself fatigued. How can I take care of myself, if I am broken and in constant pain. Chronic pain takes a toll on the human mind, and can often cause frustration, sadness, depression, and anger. On a deeper level, the combined aspects of pain, physical issues, living situation, it often leaves me feeling inadequate, worthless. I don’t care much for the idea of self-esteem, simply because we should know and understand our place in this world as broken, sinful, enemies of God. However, on the flip side of that coin, we are also loved and grafted into the Kingdom of God, through the grace and mercy of Jesus. Needless to say finding a balance is important. A balance I have not been doing so well at, as of late. 

When I go through hardships I try to think of a few characters from scripture. The first and most notable is Job. Job’s hardships are quite obvious and extensive. His losses and trials stand testament to struggles for all people. I then consider the trials Paul faced. As a loyal servant of Jesus, Paul faced beatings, stoning, jail, poverty, and ultimately murdered by beheading. Recently however, the person I have been considering most is Elijah. In his pain, he cried out to the Lord to take his life. In his sorrow he did not want to be left alive, as he also felt his surviving was that of failure. 

Soldiers who lose others, lose comrades in battle often feel what’s known as survivors’ guilt. It is said that those who survive often wish their places be switched with those who died. Elijah it seems may have been dealing with some of this guilt and challenges. I have felt this way in the past. When I lost friends in combat, I was there, and witnessed what happened. I attempted to save my friend, and sadly failed to do so. I had intuition of an impending attack, and sadly that did nothing to prevent it from happening. In recent times, I have wondered what my purpose is, and as I have recently been given a difficult prognosis regarding my physical health, I have been put into a position where I’m not sure how to manage the emotional fallout. This recent revelation of difficult times ahead has left me with little recourse, and no control over what happens next. 

In hard times I have grown from a scared 11-year-old, an angry 30-year-old, to a seasoned, faithful servant of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In the past I would compartmentalize a trauma, and move on. This would leave me more broken than where I started and never truly dealt or handled the trauma. Today, I face these problems head on. I look to James who says, count it all joy when you fall into various trials. How can I look at where I am and be in Joy? I have often asked myself, if James were to have been diagnosed with cancer would he still have found joy in such diagnosis? The answer, is yes. James knew and understood who the Lord Jesus was, and in that understanding he knew that whatever we go through in this life, it is temporary. It isn’t why we are going through these things, but rather how we respond to them. With the world watching us in every situation we are in, how are we showing our faith to the people around us? I’m not saying cancer is easy, nor am I saying major life changing back surgeries are easy either, but what I am saying is that, people are looking to you because you may be a mentor to them. You may be someone’s inspiration, or even someone’s curiosity. Here’s an example: 

You go to work every day, and people at work know you’re a Christian. You have a smile on your face, and you talk about Jesus, but life is generally smooth for you. A bombshell hits, and you lose a child in a car accident. This tragedy leaves you devastated, and you become bitter with God, or worse, you walk away all together. Those whom you once shared your faith with, now see you walking away. How strong was your faith, that you would walk away, and what message does that send to those who may have been on the fence to follow Jesus or not? Someone is always watching you, whether it be a friend, family, coworker, or one of the kids from Church. Someone is always watching, and how we deal with trials and tribulations, is more important than the worship we give during times of still waters. It is easy to praise God when it’s smooth sailing, but when the going gets tough, that’s when a persons’ true nature is exposed. I’m not saying we don’t struggle during hardships, but ultimately, how strong is your faith? Are you like Peter on the water with Christ? Faithful for a few moments, until the waves crash around you, and you sink? What did Jesus say? “Oh ye of little faith.” Do we have little faith when times get tough? 

We must work on our faith and focus on our attitude and behaviors, and our emotions. I myself struggle with emotional positivity when things get hard. I struggle to stay away from the pity party I often throw for myself, albeit internally. I hide my feelings from many people, and perhaps share too little to others and sometimes too much to some. As I woke up this morning sore from head to toe after putting up the new tent, I find myself struggling to walk around the house. The pain I feel in my back is more than just sore, different from the sore in my legs and arms. While it’s a challenge to get around the house today, the Lord blessed me with the opportunity to work hard, and do something for my family. The replacement for the tent I have lived in for nearly three years arrived and was in need of being put up. A fresh, brand-new tent with no patches, or holes, no leaks, and no extra rope required. I could focus on the fact I am sore and hurting today, or I could focus on the gift from God, for a place to live. No one said following Jesus was easy, and as we see in scripture, hardships come to all who follow God. All of the prophets in scripture had challenges to overcome, David and Solomon had their own challenges, Daniel and Elijah, had their challenges. Peter, Paul, Matthew, and the others had their challenges, and even death. Do we face hardships like Steven does in the book of Acts? Steven in the face of death by stoning said this, Acts 7:60  “Then he knelt down and cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not charge them with this sin.” And when he had said this, he fell asleep. (Died)” Steven in the last moments of his life, didn’t curse his killers, but asked forgiveness from God to them. It isn’t easy, but we are called to have faith, not just in good times, but in the inevitable hard times. Some people think when you turn to Jesus and you follow him, those hard times will go away, and everything will be great, if you just have enough faith, and tithe. The truth is, this is a false gospel, this is a lie from Satan, that when the hard time does come you walk away from God because it wasn’t as you envisioned. Faith is not easy, and following Christ is hard. There’s a reason it says in scripture to pick up your cross and follow me (Jesus). There’s a reason Jesus tells you there will be trouble in the world, but have faith because He overcame the world. All these things are promised to the believer, and most importantly we know that the path to destruction is wide, while the path to the kingdom of God is narrow, few will enter into it. The path of a Christian is full of hardships and tears, but how great is the Kingdom of eternity, compared to the little while of hardships in this life? 

Today is one more day to do better than the last. Today is a day to rejoice because it is a day the Lord made. We are beautifully and wonderfully made for a purpose and we must turn to God, not to ask why, but in thanks for what we have been given. We have been given life, and an opportunity to Grow closer to Him, to turn to the Father in our time of need, and praise Him in the storm. We know Jesus has the power to calm the storm, but we can’t always expect He will. What we can expect is that Jesus is there with us. Jesus will lead us to the mountain top, or beside peaceful streams, and still waters. Jesus will hold our tears, and comfort us when we are in pain. He will rejoice with us when we rejoice. We do not travel this world alone, and since life is but a vapor compared to eternity with the Father, we should be thankful for the good times, and prepare for battle during the hard times. Face the trials with bravery and courage. Get up each day we are allowed to get up and be thankful for it. No matter where we are, thank God for the opportunity to live our lives worshiping Him and allowing others around us to see God in us. 

God knows what we are going through. God sees our heartache and our hurt. I implore you to bring it all to the table. I beg you, if you are sorrowful, and sad, and angry, bring your weight before the alter, bring it all before a loving and understanding God and put your baggage down. You are accepted before the alter as you are and when you leave everything there, when you lay it all down, and when you surrender to the Lord you leave a different person. The battle is not yours to win, but has already been won by Jesus, our Savior. The battle belongs to Jesus, and while we struggle with life, a place is promised where that hurt, and sorrow doesn’t exist. The burden we carry is not for us, for we are called to trust in the Lord. Psalm 55:22 “Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.” Trust in the Lord and surrender all. Do not carry your burdens alone, for you have been given a choice to trust in God, or try to do it on your own. When you cast your burdens upon the Lord, allow the Holy Spirit to come into your heart, and heal you, change you from the person dead in their sins, but reborn as a believer of Christ. Come as you are, leave changed. 

Lamentations 

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Lamentations 

I cannot think of the words to describe how I feel today. The disappointment, the discouraged, and defeated me, wants to drop to my knees and scream. The tears fallen today staining my shirt, and the thoughts that have flown with them, equally filled with the salty pain within an open wound. I am not the first to weep in the night, and I shall not be the last. Lord hears my cries, and some day I shall be restored. Some day I will live in the light, and not within this broken body. Someday I will be remade, perfect in my glorified body, no longer broken, no longer in pain, no longer suffering in the weakness of this frail flesh. That day may not come tomorrow, or in the coming years, but I am left with hope as Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. We are given these ailments for a reason, and though I like Paul have asked the Lord to remove this thorn in my flesh, I remain with it. As the prophets cried out in the night, I too have hope, hope in tomorrow. 

Lamentations 2: 22-24

22 Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not.

23 They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“Therefore I hope in Him!”

My heart breaks, but Jesus restores. My cheeks drip with the tears falling, but Jesus counts each of them. It is not his will that I will be healed, and for that, I am trusting in his sovereignty, and I trust in his ways. The Lords ways are not my own, and as those have fallen asleep before me, and for what seemed before their time, know that all things happen within his time. All things happen according to his will. All things happen as he ordains. We take our tears to the Lord, and we cry to him, and he hears us. He knows us. He understands us. He sees us, more so than we could ever know. We do not know tomorrow, but Jesus is there. We do not face tomorrow alone. The tears fall and they fall, and the anger swells within. All I want to do is scream, and cry, and he hears and sees me, and in him, I have hope. I have hope because he raised the dead. I have hope because he made dead men walk, and not just those who had passed, but the resurrection of those dead in their sins. I have nothing to fear, for death did not hold him, and in his blood it shall not hold me. His love for me and sacrifice for me covers me, and gives me hope that this is not my best life now, but rather tomorrow with him in the sun. I shall walk with him in the streets of Gold. Peace…. Oh the peace sounds wonderful. 

Tears On My Pillow

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Tears On My Pillow

I’ve spent many nights since my life was flipped upside down more than two years ago crying, tears staining my pillow. I hide my face in shame, shame for where I am, shame for what I’ve done. Shame for being a failure, and for not being any further along in my life. It’s a rough time but faith in God has gotten me through many nights. Even great men of faith cry. No matter what you’re told it’s okay to cry. Ecclesiastes 3:4“A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance;” We have been given tears for a reason, tears allow the strong emotions we have to be shed in a physical way. Much like laughter it’s important we allow our bodies to feel. If David himself went to the Lord with tears in his eyes, who are we to say men don’t cry?

 

Psalm 6:6“I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears.” It’s perfectly normal to cry when you’re sad, or feeling hopeless. It’s important to know that there is always hope. Crying is a way to relieve the pressure that builds up inside. It is part of the array of emotions we feel, and it’s important to know that while the stigma can be that grown men don’t cry, that’s a bunch of societal crap.

 

John 11:35“Jesus wept.”  Our Lord and savior cried and in front of others. Don’t be afraid to cry, and please don’t tech your children, especially your boys that it’s not okay to cry. This world is full of young people who don’t know how to express their emotions and the damage it’s causing is severe. We must learn to have a healthy range of emotions. Crying does not mean you’re weak, and it does not mean you have no hope. Jesus is the hope, the one way, the truth, and the everlasting life. Trust in Him, pray to Him, and know that when you cry, Christ cries with you.

Keep On Keeping On

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Keep On Keeping On

Today is a mixed front day. While today is a somber day as crews start to assess the damage from the aftermath of Hurricane Florence, today is also the anniversary for the accident my best friend was in back in 2002. He would never wake up after the accident, but today was the Homecoming service for my church and the guest pastor played the song I Can Only Imagine, By, MercyMe This was the last song John sang at his church before he passed. I believe it was a message saying he was doing just fine in Heaven. Knowing John was a Christian and he loved Jesus has made his passing easier. Jesus talks to us often, we just have to quiet our lives to listen.

The days come and go with problems, with tragedy, with happiness, and with joy. No matter how good or bad things get in your life, all we can do is keep on keeping on. When we push forward in our lives following Jesus Christ that’s most we can do or ever hope for. When we walk with Christ are we doing so in trust? With so much destruction and pain just within the last few days as Hurricane Florence has pounded North Carolina, we can see people coming together and working to save those in need, praying together in times of sorrow, and watching over those who’ve lost everything. We understand that the storms may come, but when they finally arrived are we able to look to Jesus and say “okay, what’s next?” Christians must come to realize that no matter how bad things get, there is always something to gain.

While I was at church today and when the song I Can Only Imagine came on, I wasn’t filled with grief, or sadness, I was filled with Joy. I know my friend is in a better place, and I know he’s been watching over me since he got there. I trust in Jesus’s plan, and I believe that even in the midst of that tragedy some good was able to come of it. Sometimes the hardest thing we will ever do is face tragedies with an open mind. In the middle of this storm we find ourselves in there are acts of heroics, selflessness, courage, and love happening all around us. Emergency services, and civilians alike have taken to the streets to help their neighbors in treacherous conditions. Make no mistake this storm has taken many lives, and when dealing with flooded roads, any moment could be the last. We may face our final hours in this world, and while there is always a sadness by ones passing, with hope they know their savior Jesus Christ, the next moment will be without chains, without pain, without tears, and the flood of a new life rains down as the beautiful place of Heaven is now their home. I think of my God and the sacrifice for me, He laid down his life to save a wretch like me. I think of Amazing Grace, and how wonderful it is to see so much love and grace in these troubled times. When I see selfless acts of heroism I see Christ in this world. No one has to choose to go into the storm to save strangers from danger, but over and over we see it happening. How sweet the sound of love when the worst seems to be happening all around us, wherever I go I know that Christ is right beside me no matter the flood that comes.

No matter how dire a situation looks find peace knowing you are never alone. Your faithfulness will always reap rewards. 2 Chronicles 15:7 (NKJV)7 “But you, be strong and do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded!” No matter how bad the storm be strong and believe in yourselves because God believes in you. Do not let the Devil cause you to waiver in your faith. The walls may crumble around you, but you can always rebuild with your foundation set on Christ. Trust, and Love always.

I Am One With The Force, The Force Is With Me

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I Am One With The Force, The Force Is With Me

Being a child of the King I know where my worth is. Knowing I belong to God sets me free in so many ways from the bonds of darkness I once lived in. Being a child of the King gives us forever hope. No matter what happens to us in this life we will always have eternal salvation in the end. Romans 8:31 “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” No matter how bad things seem to be we have hope. Psalm 71:14 “But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.”

The Devil will try again and again to break you, and to bring you to your knees in defeat. The Devil wants us to fail, he wants us to step away from God, to blame Him for our sorrow. The Devil will try and sway us, to persuade us that the darkness is better then the light. The Devil wants to try and hide in the shadows, that our sin if no one knows is okay, and it’s better to indulge and be free of worry. That’s when you look at the Devil and respond “Every word that you just said – is wrong.” (Luke Skywalker) We have to have faith in the Lord. We have to have faith the lure of the Dark Side is not stronger, that we can overcome the pull and remain in the light. Ephesians 6:13 “Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.”

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As long as God is with me, I know I am one with the force for good. I cannot be defeated so long as I keep God in my heart. When you feel as if you’re about to crumble under the pressures of this world close your eyes, take a deep breath and feel the light of the world inside you. Feel it flowing through you. The Holy Spirit is all around us, it is inside of us, and when you open yourself to it, it can help guide you through any struggle you may encounter. There is no greater force in this universe, but the force and power of Christ. I know I am one with the force, and the force is with me.