How have I survived and kept my heart? I didn’t. I let hurt bury deep inside like a black sludge, and unchecked it spread like Venom the symbiont which took over spiderman causing him to be someone he wasn’t. I became that black spiderman, wanting to do good, but not. I was harsh, ill tempered, and while most of the time I could hide the suit under my clothes, sometimes the sludge won the day.
A low song turned to a beautiful voice of what seemed like a hundred in sync voices singing to just me. I see faces, could this be the face of Jesus in each one? How many are there? So many in this late hour. Showing me the face of Jesus. He loves me this much, perhaps I never really knew, or at least I’d never seen it before. I began to see. The voices broke and stopped. Soon I’m left in the candlelight. The fight began, the sludge fought me. I wanted it gone, I tried to rip it off, and expel it, but it’s grip on me was strong. I knelt down at the cross and prayed like I’d never prayed before. “Lord Help ME! I need YOU!” I knelt there and cried. So many years. I hurt, and I felt the place in my heart that the black sludge was coming from. I felt abuse, I felt bullying, I felt heart break, I felt loss, I felt death, I felt war, I felt divorce, I felt more loss, and I felt lying, and more divorce, betrayal, and darkness that nearly took my life. And a spoonful of self-loathing to top it off. I could see it spewing from my broken heart like a rancher who struck oil. “Lord I need YOU! I need you Now.” “Lord please take this from me. Clean me Lord, please, I beg you.” The tears that fell that night were thick. I thought perhaps I’d never stop. Then a hand settled upon my shoulder. Power flew through the connection. I felt power rush into me. I looked up and saw my friend, my sponsor who brought me here. Could it be that easy? Yes and no. While the black sludge was removed, the broken heart still needed a bit of work.
More events, like WWP’s Project Odyssey, A sailing clinic in Hawaii, a Soldier Ride in Cape Cod, all laid before me by God to start the healing process for different areas in my life. The brokenness within the heart while filled with scars, but were no longer spewing the black sticky, intrusive sludge. Different therapies I’d push myself into, and through, would help stitch up brokenness within me. One by one, and a lot of time.
While I held onto the sweet boy the best I could, there was much hurt that he masked. His favorite superhero embodied that hurt. Batman who lost his parents, for the boy, that would almost have been easier. But Batman learned to harness that anger, and turned it into a force for good. The man in his life, Captain Jean-Luke Picard, once abducted by the Borg and forcefully changed to do their will, faced the anger and hardship to return to himself. Their intrusive attack left Him changed. But if a man could go through that, and still return to the Enterprise and show love and kindness, diplomacy, and embody the heart of a gentleman, I could do it too. Then, the real-life Hero, Dave Pelzer. He survived not having a name, torture, and the life he built and became a man with forgiveness in his heart. I would become a writer because of his works on “Child Called IT”. I met him once, and talked, the inspiration for my own book. I would be giving small inspirations in my life, and I would look to them, and see the goodness of people, and I wanted to be good too, and I wanted to fight evil. I dreamt of being a superhero. I dreamt that one day I would fight bullies, fight injustice, fight those who tried to do wrong. I would be hurt, but then there was Matt Murdock, Daredevil. He was blind, gifted with extraordinary talents, he would become blind justice. Why couldn’t I find a way to fight back against the evil? I didn’t know it back then, but I would get my chance.
After the darkness nearly took me in 2016, I felt the lighting, the power of God surge through my body, giving me the strength to survive, to fight back against the darkness that tried to take me, but God saved me. Those experiences led me to write, as I write this day. The darkness did try to take me, but I would be brought back from the brink. I fell into the blackest of shadows, but God wasn’t done with me and He brought me back. I fight from my desk in my words I put out there for the world to see. I fight from my service in the Wounded Warrior Project as a peer mentor. I fight from my service to God and serve in the Lamplighter community. I fight from my service to those who are lost seeking direction, as I give the Lords words to those willing to hear my Podcast. I fight the darkness by sharing the Light that saved me. The Lord stayed with me, and never gave up on me. I was once infected by that black sludge, but no more. Once in a while it tries to grab on to my wrists and while sometimes it’s tight, the Lord always steps in and cuts off the source, freeing me from it’s dark grasp. I could have become a villain, but Jesus stepped in. I could feel that darkness rising within me, that sludge wanting me to give in, but the Light of the World said No. The light of the world gave me purpose, gave me value, because of His Love, I was given value in this world. The light saved me. That lonely boy who sat in the room as the darkness surrounded him, wanting to entomb him, the light dispelled that darkness. Through the years the Light kept the darkness at bay. Then one night, that light expelled the darkness once and for all. One night the light became an ember within Him, and that ember turned into a spark, and that spark turned into a flame, and that flame became a torch, for Him. The darkness would be defeated.
Sure, there’s still pain and questions that go unanswered to this day, but that young boy grew up, the man was saved, and the ember that was fighting for survival from childhood was given fuel to ignite. No longer did the darkness live inside, but now, only attacks from the outside. Free was the Man. Freedom came from a night of candles and love, showing Him more of Jesus than he ever knew. The Light of the world. The light shines within me now. The battles comes, but I am equipped with the full armor of God. I am covered in His love. He is faithful. I may go into the fiery furnace but He protects me. I may be tossed to the lions, but His Holy Angels cover me from the attacks of the great deceiver. I went from a luke warm Christian to a soldier, prepared for battle. My fingers strengthened for the war, to wield the Sword of Truth. I am shod with His sandals of the Gospel of Peace. I am covered in prayers, and the Spirit is always with me. I am strengthened as to keep me strong, and to run and not grow weary. I am held up so I do not stumble. I know that there will be a day when I no longer have tears, but my Lord God, maker of Heaven and earth, sought me, and snatched me from the depths of hell. I was rescued by my Lord, and now I fight. I gladly face the army of Satan and with God’s strength behind me, I have nothing to fear while I try to reach souls for salvation. I can face down the army of demons and the Lord as my general I have been given a spirit of courage, not of fear. I continue to grow in strength, and my prayer is this, “My hope is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.” – Unknown. Lord, give me faith like Daniel. A heart like David, and Hope like Moses. Lord give me your strength to face the enemy with confidence that no matter what your will, will be done. I have been cleaned by your forgiving grace, and I pray your righteousness shines through me, that your justice and gospel emanate from all I do in my life. To you be the Glory, and may I be forgotten, but your words are not. Amen…
I’ve talked about faith a lot on this website. Faith is something we each have, even if we don’t realize it. Those who talk against the Christian walk, in support of the sciences have faith. Those who claim to be atheists have faith. Those who claim to be agnostic have faith. Faith is the believing in something without all the proof. Merriam Webster says this “belief and trust in and loyalty to God”, “firm belief in something for which there is no proof”, “Complete Trust”, “something that is believed especially with strong conviction”. You see, faith, is had by everyone, it’s simply a matter of defining what they believe.
Many believe a Christians faith is misplaced, or it’s based on poor evidence. Sadly, this assertion is simply far from the truth. It’s been said that the faith needed for the big bang, or evolution is far greater than that of the Christian walk. There is less evidence for those things, than there is of the Christian faith. Even the other religions pale in comparison to evidence, and some have little to no evidence at all. I will not be getting into each of these things and why they lack evidence, but I encourage you to do some deep dives. For Christians, there are a few people who’ve done extraordinary work on this and I will be talking about some of them.
The Bible expresses faith is this, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the [Evidence]conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1
We do not walk blindly into the night, or at least many of us don’t. When I say us, I mean those who do this for a living. Those who study the faith, study scripture, and preach it and teach it regularly, have usually done deep dives into the, testing the integrity of the Bible, the dependability of the scriptures, the trustworthiness of the eyewitnesses that spoke on Christ. These things lend to our faith being strengthened, and in many cases fortified in its indwelled truth of what is written in God’s word. Simply put, the Bible is reliable, and has stood up to scrutinizing people for centuries, in fact, for a little over 2000 years now.
My personal faith: Growing up in the Catholic church, I felt a strong connection to church. I didn’t have some of the usual catholic ideals pushed on me, so it wan’t till older in life I heard of such things. I did not hardly ever touch my rosary. I very seldom heard the ‘Hail Mary’. I did however do the other sacraments, of confession, confirmation, and first communion. One other thing I heard growing up was praying to the saints for intercession of our needs. When I got older, I became confused. The Bible says this, Romans 8:34 34 “who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.” And in 1 John 2:1 “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous;” and in Hebrews 7:25 25 “Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them.”
I didn’t understand, so, was I supposed to pray to the saints? Was I supposed to pray to Mary? The more I studied my Bible, the more I became convicted, some of the things I thought were right, didn’t seem right anymore. As I got back into church, the first church was an Episcopal church, where women were priests. This raised another slew of questions for me. I had often wondered if the Catholic church was correct forcing celibacy on priests, but this was something entirely different. This, allowing women to preach, was this in scripture? Scripture says this 1 Timothy 2:12 “But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.” It seems women were not supposed to be priests, or for that matter preach the word to a room of men. The caveat of course is we know Pricilla helped in the teaching of a prominent teacher (Apollos). This shows us that woman can teach kids, and even help evangelize for Christ. But not to have a role preaching from the pulpit.
As I got older and continued to grow, a few men came into my life that helped me study scripture. They did not just give me their opinion; in fact, it was quite the opposite. “The opinions of man are smashed on the anvil of the Word of God” Charles Spurgeon. What was taught was pure scripture. As I grew in understanding, my faith also grew. The more into the word I got, the greater and stronger my faith became. I began to see where my old opinions began to die, along with my old assertions to what was true. The more into scripture I got, the more the idea that I grew up sorely lacking crept into my life. IF that Catholics had it wrong, what was right? The answer was actually pretty simple. Ephesians 2:8-9 “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” For I, me, the Arrow Preacher, is saved by grace, through faith. Like the serpent held high by Moses to allow the Israelites to be saved, they must look upon it and have faith. We must look up to our Christ Jesus on the cross and have faith of who He was, and what He died for. Our messiah, Our Lord. It was in that moment I realized there was a doctrine that lined up with scripture, and as I was taught, this doctrine would become the hill I’d be willing to die on. This doctrine is called “The Five Solas”:
Sola Gratia – Grace Alone
Sola Fide – Faith Alone
Solus Christus – Christ Alone
Soli Deo Gloria – Glory of God Alone
Sola Scriptura – Scripture Alone
Made easy, we are saved by Grace, in Faith, through Christ, for the Glory of God, and our only source of knowledge and truth is in scripture. For more on this you can read here at Ligonier Ministries.
My faith grew because I was learning from the Bible alone, and because I was reading God’s truth, I began to see many of the doctrines I was taught growing up had actually led me astray. But my faith having been put to the test in 2016 came out stronger, and continued to grow in strength.
In 2016, a couple days after I discovered my ex-wife was having an affair, I was sitting in church alone. I was sitting in a spot I never sat before, I was sitting in the pew a broken man. My everything was shattered. I heard the preacher talk, and the Holy Spirit rested over me, convicting me of my brokenness. Showing me that I had but one thing to do. The question came into my mind, “What if I gave everything, what if I gave you everything, what if I stopped holding back everything from you?” I walked the isle that day, tears flowing from my face before I got to the pastor. I was ready to surrender and give it all to Jesus. I was ready to lay my shame out there and walk out of that sanctuary a new man. That broken man, broke down upon the alter, tears flowing uncontrollably from his face. Crying out to the Lord to take over, to change him. He didn’t want to be that many anymore. A week later I had a brush with death. My wife was leaving, taking with her half of everything. She was taking with her 100% of our family. In my loss, and added a little liquid death (alcohol), I sat on the front porch and watched her and her sister pack the car. In my despair I put a pistol to my shoulder and pulled the trigger. I was experiencing a major break in the internal walls I had built to hold all my traumas. Everything passed by my internal eye like movie clips, showing me each of my traumas and failures. I was experiencing a tsunami effect, years of compartmentalization coming back to haunt me. I couldn’t take the failure in my brain, and the pain I felt, needed to be matched with an equal amount of physical pain. I was not looking to die, but to feel, to stop the emotional pain, to reset the onboard computer. I thought my fate was sealed, and that pistol sat upon my shoulder for just a few seconds before I pulled the trigger. What I saw that day stays in my mind, vividly. The blood splatter, the screams, the oxygen leaving my body, and in less than a few moments, nothing. The world was black, it was a void, nothing above me, or below me, nothing I could see, and no light but just a bit from myself. In my fear, in my despair, I cried out to God, “God, I’m sorry.” I expected nothing. I looked for nothing. I expected to die and this was the end of my life, a void of nothing. But that’s when I heard it. A voice came from the darkness shaking the very bones of my body. “You’re forgiven” was all the words said. It felt like being inside a lightning bolt. How much the ground shakes when a bolt is close, was nothing in compare to what I felt. My whole-body shook, as what felt like a lightning bolt hit me. I awoke in the ambulance surprising the paramedics, who believed I’d die before reaching the hospital. The pain my body was in, I wanted to return to what I knew was God. But, much like the words of Gandalf in “Two Towers” “I’ve been sent back, at the turn of the tide.” Why had God sent me back and not just taken me home?
While I was justified that Sunday September 11th, 2016, my sanctification process would come in a very real metaphorical dumpster fire. I would have to rely on my faith and what little scripture I knew to start getting me through the next 10 months. The divorce and separation were messy to say the least. My faith however was growing in the Lord. It was not a blind faith, but one built upon the Lord’s truth. The Apostles would die, die horrible deaths fueled by hatred and torture, they died never once recanting their eyewitness accounts. Who dies for a lie? People die all the time for a lie, but not one they know for sure is a lie. Jesus could not be a good man, if He wasn’t who He said He was. If He lied, He’d not be a good man, because good men don’t lie. When we see the Apostles were all in hiding at His crucifixion, why the sudden change? Why did they go from petrified cowards, to be willing to get put into jail over and over again, and even horrible deaths. What did they see? They saw the very real risen Christ. Why did Jesus have 12 Apostils? Representing the 12 tribes from the Old Testament. Jesus chose men, no one would choose to change the world. Their eye witness counts would stand the scrutiny of those who truly study it. Men like J. Werner Wallace, Lee Strobel, and Josh McDowell, Sean H. McDowell, have given us the work, the unbiased, or rather, atheist bias, of the scriptures, and the truth of the scriptures turned Wallace, and Strobel into believers. From atheist to believer in the process of disputing and attempt to disprove the scriptures, yet, now, they believe Jesus was who He said He was.
Myself, I grew up believing parts of the Bible but not all of it. I very much believed in Theistic evolution (also known as theistic evolutionism or God-guided evolution), alternatively called evolutionary creationism, is a view that God acts and creates through laws of nature. I tried to mix the science I grew up with, and the faith I had. This was folly however, as I would come to believe, I had been wrong my whole life. Through my studies with my mentors, and even the Christian University I attended, I found, I was wrong. I truly had been broken down to the bedrock, and rebuilt in Christ. I did not know why Jesus saved me that day, but it wasn’t an easy road. Truly, I laid all my hopes on the table and all my sins were forgiven. I had been washed by the blood, and Jesus saw to rebuild me. My faith in Jesus that September 11th would change my life forever. The day I put that 9mm through my shoulder, I would truly be reborn, because the life I was living had been touched by the hand of God. In my investigation, I found I was never shocked by the paddles, so the electricity I felt, could not have been the defibrillator, but the hand of God. God saw fit, to drastically and dramatically alter my life.
Over the next year God would put me where He wanted me. I’d have emergency neck surgery and God would bring me through that as well. I’d go through (WWP) Project Odyssey, which began to help with the trauma I had experienced in my life. I’d go through DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy), which is a structured therapy that helps people learn to manage their emotions and change their behaviors. I’d go to another (WWP) Wounded Warrior Project, a Soldier Ride, in which I met a man that changed my path. He expressed his opinion, my path was that of ministry. I laughed at him. I was to broken, too lost in my life to get into ministry. My faith, was tainted by my own self-doubts, my own self-loathing, that hadn’t been purged from me completely yet. I’d later experience a weekend with God, in a program called Lamplighter, and that was the last major even that would change my course, to, you guessed it, ministry. My faith, which was being shown, my life was meant to trust in God, not just during the good times, the easy times, but the hardest of times. My faith was being forged in the trials of life. My walk with God was being shaped through many hardships, and my faith was growing in strength.
Since then, I have experienced many hardships in my life. I’ve experienced loss, and heartbreak. I recently had yet another brush with death, but many consecutive miracles. For those I would like to have you read
These posts highlight what I went through. They highlight the events I believe to be miracles in my life. This doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. What it does mean, is the path of a Christian is not an easy one. I have grappled with tough things, just in the last couple months. I was not convinced having open heart surgery, or even the pacemaker surgery, was the right decision. It would have been easy for me to say I was ready to go home. It would have been easy for me to give up this life, but I needed to lean upon my faith to justify staying here longer. I highlight this fight in the blog post,
In reality, I fight for those I care about. I fight to continue spreading the Gospel of Christ to as many people as I can. My faith, while strong, doesn’t mean I haven’t questioned my choices. It doesn’t mean I haven’t spoken to God about this, but in the end, I am still here, and I’m still leaning upon that faith, not of my own understanding. I don’t exactly know why God saved me, so all I have is my faith. I trust in the Lord, and I expect He will guide my path. He will walk with me, and if He chooses to reveal any details about why I’m still here, I’m sure He will. When I doubt, I know it’s the liar, the deceiver, whispering in my ear. I recognize his vial speech within my deep thoughts of denial, and strife. The power that raised Jesus is the same power that lives within me. The same faith that made David step out onto that battle field with a few smooth stones, the same faith that Gideon had when he fought the Midianites. The same faith Daniel had to pray openly, and face the lions. The same faith Peter felt when he stepped out of the boat in the storm. The same faith that Paul had that led him through various trials, but most important was the first choice to go from hunting Christians to being one of them. This is the faith that rests within me.
I am not a perfect man, and my faith isn’t perfect. I am not a finished product, and in my weakness He is strong. I do however sin, and I must repent of those sins. I need to seek forgiveness when I do sin, and believe the blood of Christ will wash me clean. I do not mean to sin, my faith does not give me a free license to sin, but when I do, I know Jesus picks me up, puts me back together. See…. The truth is, when I am shattered, and I’m broken, and I know I have wronged a Holy God; when I am hurting, I do not want to be put back together the same. I want God to change me through these experiences. When I go through these things, I have faith that God is using it to bring me closer to Himself. I want my life to be sanctified in Christ, and therefore I do not want be the same today as I was yesterday. I pray to God that my yesterday is gone, and today is a new opportunity for me to get closer to Him. My faith has never come back empty. While I don’t always get what I want, I get from God exactly what I need. Faith in Christ is not a blind faith, and we see in scripture the truth, that this life will not be easy for a Christian. It is not meant for wealth, and fame, and peaceful living. The truth is, we are soldiers on the battlefield for Christ, and our faith is, we know we are fighting for good. Everything we experiences forges us into a stronger soldier. We can resist Satan because we have faith and trust in the one true King, Jesus Christ. Jesus gives us all we need, and in our faith in Him, we can rejoice when we are beaten, rejoice when we reach the mountain top, and rejoice when we are laid by the peaceful streams. Our faith tells us that the battle is won, and we can trust in Christ in all we do. My faith tells me that one day I will be called home, but till that day comes, my faith will remain true.
Let us not put our faith in the wrong places. Let us be careful and cautious with whom and what we place our faith. Let us not put faith in our heart, for it is deceitfully wicked. Let us not put our faith in idols, or even people. Let us test everything, and ensure it comes from the Lord. Have faith in Jesus. Let us go, and make disciples, showing them why our faith is true. Let our faith guide us to dig deep in scripture, learning, growing, and let our faith teach us how to fight for the truth. Let us understand apologetics (the defense of our faith), and be able to know scripture, to withstand the external scrutiny. Not everything you read on the internet is true. Not everything on Instagram or TikTok is true and accurate, and it’s yours and my job as a Christian to decern the truth. The only truth that matters is what’s in scripture. Hold fast to your faith, and don’t let the world deceive you. Go in the peace and love of Jesus Christ.
Hello everyone, it’s a pleasure to be back and I look forward to hearing from all of you. As you probably noticed I was gone for a few days, and let me tell you why. I am a combat Army veteran. I served in Iraq where I was wounded in a non-combat incident. Since that time however we learned I suffered a spinal injury and I was slowly watching my discs degrade and the curvature change in my C-Spine (neck). Last year I suffered a major spinal injury when a disc ruptured nearly ending in Meningitis. Since that time I have gotten involved with different veteran organizations and the one that’s been the most helpful to date is Wounded Warrior Project. In February I talked about going on a Project Odyssey, and this last week I attended a Soldier Ride up in Cape Cod Massachusetts. I’d like to take a moment to talk about how impactful these types of events are, and what they’ve done for me.
A soldier ride is a semi long distance bicycle ride designed to push your challenge level, but also give you time to connect with other wounded warriors. It’s designed to build comradery. For me being a wounded warrior with an upper back injury I was put on a Recumbent trike. I was able to ride in comfort as far as my back was concerned but found that the bike is unforgiving on any up grade hills. It was a challenge not to be understated.
I had the privilege of leading the way the first day. I was able to set the pace, and leading from the front I can’t tell you how much of an honor it was for me to finish strong. The weather conditions weren’t favorable for this ride, but that was alright with me. “What’s life without a little challenge. We can never reach our potential without adversity.“ (Arrow Preacher) I found the challenge to be just enough. The hills, the distance, the rain, all pushed the mental challenges as well as the physical. For many, being on a bike after so many years they found challenges in other areas, such as riding on that upright bike seat for instance. For many this seat pushed their physical challenges (leaving their bottoms back on the trail) and their mental state, as they tried to overcome their discomfort. Although everyone faced challenges of their own, no one quit, no one gave up, and everyone finished strong. I was able to watch as everyone behind me crossed that finish line faster then any group had before on that particular trail. We as warriors lived the warrior code. Every single person was positive, they were encouraging their brothers and sisters, and never did anyone ever quit the fight. To me this embodied 2 Timothy 4:7“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” Even at the end for me, as I struggled, I found help from my brothers and sisters as they were literally giving me a push to help me keep pace. I cannot thank those warriors enough for the encouragement, the physical sacrifice as they put their hard energy into helping me keep up the fight. But everyone contributed in their own way, and every single veteran should hold their head with pride and honor for what they accomplished this week.
A soldier ride isn’t just about two days of 20 plus miles for bike rides equaling just more then 40 miles total, it’s also about the connection with other veterans who’ve seen trials and tribulations in the name of service to their country. A soldier ride allows us to connect with one another building our support structure, and building relationships that will hopefully stay with us the rest of our lives. It’s no wonder the name for a group of cyclers is called a peloton because as we warriors embraced the suck in this ride, we also embraced one another building our own peloton for life. We have been given a blessing from God to meet people from all walks of life that share a common bond, and that bond of service can never be broken. We will all move forward in our lives and find ourselves facing the world again, but it is up to us if we choose to face those challenges alone. From this event, and hopefully many more to follow, we will continue to grow, continue to heal, and continue to overcome the many demons we face every single day. Military life isn’t for the faint of heart, and it can leave scars that we carry with us the rest of our lives. These scars are physical, emotional, and sometimes spiritual, but in everything we do now, we have a peloton to lean back on. No matter if you are the soldier on top, or the soldier on bottom as the wounded warrior logo represents, at some point in our lives we will either have been one or the other, or we will be again in the future. It’s never to late to ask for help, and it’s never to late to give help. God has given us the chance to grow, to come together, and to fight a battle together. It’s up to us to use what we’ve learned, and pay it forward to other veterans who haven’t started their recovery yet. Share your experiences, and keep fighting the good fight. Never quit, never surrender, never leave a fallen comrade behind.
The Arrow Preacher 