Tag: personal

The world fractured.

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The world fractured.

The life live and breaks,

You cry allowed for heaven sakes.

The life you have and it all changes so fast,

No matter how much you want to change the past,

All you can do cry out at last.

The lovers lost, the feel, the sight, the touch,

No matter the time, you miss so much.

 

We can’t go back, but even if we could,

The biggest question is if we should.

The broken mug can’t be undone,

It seems cliché but what’s done is done.

 

When the heart is shattered and it feels broken into a thousand pieces, sometimes all you can do is take a step back and have faith. It’s hard after going through tragedy to learn to pick yourself up and move forward. Once broken your heart will never be the same. The more it happens the harder it is to put the pieces back together, over and over again. No matter how hard you try, there are always residual scars left behind. Humpty Dumpty will never look the same even if you glue everything back together just right. The fact is, we must learn to live with our scars, we must learn to live with the idea that in some way, we may be broken.

The nature of heart break, and baggage is something most adults have some degree of experience with. It’s important to face your demons head on and come to grips with them. God uses broken things, no matter how broken we think we are, God if given the opportunity can and will use us for the greater good. We must remember to have and keep the faith. It may be hard, but we have to have trust in Jesus, and that trust must over power the pain of what’s left behind after the storms blows through.

Try to keep in mind that just because something breaks, doesn’t mean it can’t be built back up better and brighter then it was before. Have faith that the end of one thing is the beginning of another.

 

Not a victim, but a Survivor

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Not a victim, but a survivor

I’ve been considering what it means to go through a divorce you didn’t ask for. I’ve been considering what it means to suffer through it twice. For many, divorce can be devastating, for some it can be like being set free from Hell. For me, I’d say both times it was the first. I didn’t want, nor did I ask for this to happen. What I do know, is I will not be considered a victim, I will a survivor. The pain felt deep within my very soul has affected me profoundly. As I have traveled this world I have seen many men and women in need, I have seen many and in my time I have happened upon much I have found it in myself to stop and provide aid. I have been so many times the Good Samaritan.

As a survivor I have had my brushes with death, more then most. I have seen the evil in man’s heart; I have witnessed it first hand. I have watched good men die; I have had them die in front of me as I stood by powerless to stop it. I have seen the cruelty and the lies others will tell to their own selfish natures and desires. I have seen those stand idly by and do nothing, I have seen those who support the ill intent that has befallen me and even with all the bad that’s happened, I have emerged from the filth and the mud, and I have been blessed by God. I know that there will be trials ahead, and I know that there will be troubled waters. As I navigate through the blackest of nights, I know that there are those out there who support me, who love me for me, who believe in what I’m doing.

There’s a whole wide world out there for me to explore. There’s a whole lot of hurt I’d like to be able to make a little better for those whom I care about. As I revisit the Good Samaritan, where are we and what are we? Are we the priest, the Levite, the Samaritan, or the ill intent that left the man on the side of the road half dead? Are we the innkeeper that was paid to aid the man? Where we fall in the spectrum and why? I have often found myself questioning where have all the good men gone, and where are all the good women. I have often found myself questioning the business of our society today that we are on the go from dawn till dusk. We see ourselves running and running, and as our priorities are set, what then is left out of our 24 hour day?

No I’m not a victim of ill intent, I am a survivor. I have survived more then my fair share, and I continue to fight the fight every day. I one day want to be able to look my loved ones in the eye and tell them I too have fought the good fight, I have kept the course, and I too have finished the race. I want to leave behind a legacy for my family to be proud of. I was not born into a world that is so fallen there is no hope. I believe in the Hope of Jesus Christ, and I believe that those who follow Him, those who believe in the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, that those who follow that in their hearts and show the world that’s where hope is born, that there are still good people out there, and that my God is a living God living in us every day. I believe that as we put our faith in God, that the people who believe in God are bound to find others, that attract others in the name of the Lord.

We can see the hope around us, we can see the small spark even in the darkest of night if we keep our eyes open. Although man will fail you, and man will disappoint you, knowing that the Holy Spirit can and does wonders for the human heart, that tomorrow as doom and gloom as it appears, is only one day in the vastness of forever. Find yourself the light in the darkness, and you too may be able to say one day who you are in the story. Define yourself by the content of your heart, and allow yourself to be defined by what you do, and how you treat others along the path. The Ill Intent, The Samaritan, The Traveler, The Priest, or the Levite. The Choice is yours.

Don’t Give Into Fear

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Don’t Give Into Fear

It’s easy to walk away, or run away from something that frightens us. We all speak of fear especially in terms of the obvious, heights, spiders, enclosed spaces, etc, but the fear I want to talk about is something deeper, much more important then trivial fears. When we are afraid of failing, afraid of death, afraid of what people think about us, afraid to face our very own mistakes, especially when those mistakes fill us with guilt, remorse, and shame. We may be afraid to act because of the fear we may fail, or we may be afraid to act because we might be afraid of doing more damage then we already have.

When we hurt someone by our actions badly and we are still in their lives we may often feel our mistake was so bad the only way to make it right is to run away, leave as fast as we can, and never look back. That person is better off without us because how can they ever look at me, or love me again? The truth is, as legitimate as this fear is, it often blinds us from the truth that stands in front of us staring us down like a cobra ready to strike. When we spiral downward we often can’t see what truth is any longer because truth is blurred by our own skewed perspective. It’s important that we have faith and trust in our Godly guidance, those in our lives who follow Christ, and want only what’s best in our life.

As difficult as it can be to follow Godly counsel it’s even tougher when our desires are not what the advice is we get. We as people often lash out at those around us trying to give us Godly Christian advice. We put self before God more often then not, and in doing so our spiral often gets more muddied, and we fall farther down the seemingly inescapable rabbit hole.

I often think of truth this way. In the Matrix Neo is given the choice to take the Red, or the Blue pill. The Red pill allows you to continue on with the journey to discover the truth about The Matrix, and more. The Blue pill you wake up in your bed and forget about all of The Matrix stuff. The thing with truth is we don’t always accept it for face value. When Neo woke up and he was finally shown, his first reaction was, “I don’t believe it,” and “I want out.” Even though he spent most of his life searching for the truth, when faced with it, his mind had a hard time letting go. Isn’t our faith in Christ the same? We may believe that the Lord and Savior, the God who created the vastness of our universe, the heavens, and the earth, and plays a part in every single one of our lives, and yet, when we struggle with life’s little problems, or even the big ones, we often can’t possibly see a way out. We don’t see a solution so we make up one ourselves. We don’t put the trust in God to help us figure it out. We allow fear to dictate terms in our lives, and we can’t seem to reconcile that life is only in part chance, and mostly guiding stars to follow. People are the wild card. As people we have free will and that free will can change the plan, alter the plan, and sometimes throws the plan off the rails, but no matter the course we find ourselves on, whether it’s of our own doing, or that of someone else, God, and this is the important part, God is always with us, walking side by side, deep in the trench warfare, taking the punches, right along side us. God will always be with us, and when we need God He will always be there for us, helping us. The thing about fear is it’s easier to be afraid, then to have the kind of faith to step out of that boat in the storm. It’s easy to be afraid of the details when you’re moving across country with little to no plan. It’s easy to give into fear when you’ve made a mistake and you can’t see a way back. To have faith, and to truly live by the Word, and trust is God, is to believe that God is apart of even the smallest of details, and we only need to search The Book, for the answers. If we’re like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole, maybe we should just follow the white rabbit, Jesus is our white rabbit.

No matter what your question is, the Bible will have the answers you seek, you just need to open it and read. I believe that’s the challenge to be placed on all of you. How often do you pray before making a choice? How often do you listen to God before deciding on a course of action, or what to say? No matter the conundrum you find yourself in, the path is always Jesus.

It Ain’t How You Hit The Mat, It’s How You Get Up

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It Ain’t How You Hit The Mat, It’s How You Get Up

Sometimes in life, sometimes depending on who you are, you might feel like you’ve been hit and kicked an awful lot in your life. Someone once told me you can only get kicked so many times before you don’t want to get back up anymore. The person who told that to me means more to me then anyone else on the planet. She’s seen more then her fair share of hurt and suffering, and over the last few years she’s had way more then her fair share. It breaks my heart to see her suffering. Recently I was watching one of my favorite Netflix shows and in the show Matt Murdock and his dad are talking about his boxing career. One thing Jack Murdock was known for was how to take a punch. Is that the same for Christians? How well do we take the punch when we fall under attack by the Devils temptations? The song by Chumbawamba famous in it’s own right. Getting knocked down in life happens, but how we get back up defines us.

Tubthumper By: Chumbawamba

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down

No matter the fight, the hits will come, and we know the greats within the Bible suffered the most. David persecuted and chased for 20 years a mark on his head bigger then the one for Han Solo. Jesus, well, we all know what happened to him. Paul, persecuted, tortured, shipwrecked, beaten, stoned twice, and he wrote some of the greatest books within the Bible. Job, well, Job had a sad story for sure, and yet he emerged victorious because of his faith to the Lord. What about our favorite comic book superhero’s? Pick the greatest of them and look into their back-story. Spiderman, lost his parents young, then his Uncle Ben was shot down on the street. His first real love, Gwen Stacy died awfully because he couldn’t save her. Batman, both parents killed as a child right in front of him. Matt Murdock, blinded as a child, and after a lifetime of training finally became Daredevil. Danny Rand, both parents killed, taken in by a bunch of hidden temple monks, beaten, and tortured as part of his training to eventually become the Iron Fist. Almost every superhero back-story will involve tons of pain and suffering.

For some people trauma can have a huge positive affect on their lives. This is of course after the trauma is faced and dealt with. In Psychology Today this is said “They found that, for many of these people, dealing with this trauma was a powerful spur for personal development. It wasn’t just a question of learning to cope with or adjust to negative situations; they actually gained some significant benefits from them. In Tedeschi and Calhoun’s terms, they experienced ‘positive life changes.’ They gained a new inner strength, and discovered skills and abilities they never knew they possessed. They became more confident and appreciative of life, particularly of the ‘small things’ that they used to take for granted. They became more compassionate for the sufferings of others, and more comfortable with intimacy, so that they had deeper and more satisfying relationships.” Some however have the opposite affect, and that they withdrawal, they become angry, they blame God, or disavow the existence of a higher power all together. The fact of the matter it doesn’t matter what the cause of the pain, it’s how we handle that will define us for the rest of the world to see. Do we want to be considered a strong, good person, or do we want to be considered weak and cruel?

 What does the bible say about getting back up? 2 Chronicles 15:7 “But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” The good we do in the name of the Lord through our hearts and not for adulation will be brought back to us in the grace of the Heavens and we will be blessed for it. Galatians 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” We don’t know how long our harvest will be, how long it will take to go through the fire, but we know, we are promised by God, our sufferings are not in vein. Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” When we are down and we feel like we just got the beating of a lifetime, that’s when we need to turn to God the most, that’s when we need to ask God to help us, take away the pain, help us through, because it’s in that pain that God wants us to be closer to Him, not draw back, not flee from God, but praise God, allow God to work in our lives, and show us our suffering isn’t for nothing.

No matter the pain, the hits, the suffering, the kicks, the fear, the attacks, God is always with us, we hurt, God hurts, we suffer, God suffers, and knowing our Savior is in the trenches with us fighting the fight, battaling to win the war, we can take comfort that in our greatest time of need God will provide, by gifts, but positive things, and sometimes the people put in our lives, but always in all things, God is with us, watching us, and loving us.

References:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/out-the-darkness/201111/can-suffering-make-us-stronger

Ready to Pounce

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Ready to Pounce

Recently after my surgery I was looking out at my youngest dog. He was sitting in the backyard perched tall, and proper, but I realize what he was doing, he was keeping a watchful eye for intruders. He has always done that no matter what yard he’s in. He will find a place to sit, and he’ll watch for anything he perceives as a threat. I started to think about the difference between predators and pray. We know this is the circle of life, and we know that in the wild life is often a wild card. When you watch movies or shows on animal planet, or discovery, Disney’s Earth day movies, or any other kind of wildlife documentary, we always see the hunt, the fight for survival. We as people, as human beings are gifted with intelligence and that’s what puts us at the top of the food chain. When we used our smarts to avoid being killed from a wild thing we skyrocketed to the top of the chain. We are inferior in so many other ways to our animal counterparts. A gorilla for instance could literally rip a person to shreds with its bare hands. Lions could devour us in a matter of seconds, and even a small spider like the black widow or brown recluse could kill a human with one or two bites. Death is inevitable for everyone, a certainty that no one but one has ever been able to overcome.

The Bible depicts Satan in many different ways, a roaring lion, a sly slithering serpent, and a monster from the deep. When the days of our lives move on as the sun rises and sets, where do you fit into the great circle of life? As a child one of my favorite movies was The Lion King. I loved the lions, and the idea of the circle, how nature kept itself in a delicate balance. When Scar took over Pride Rock the balance shifted and the entire eco system failed. The animal’s left, plants began to die off, and it became a desolate place. When we don’t take care of our lives we too can upset the balance and watch as our eco system falls to rubble. One bad day, one wrong choice, one selfish act can upset the delicate balance and can potentially destroy not only your own life, but the lives of those around you. Proverbs 6:16-19 “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: 17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil,
19 a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.” The Devil pulls at us to fall within this passage. The Devil will tempt us, He will push us, He will put anyone in our path the try and get us to walk away from Christ. Further into Proverbs 6:20-35 “20 My son, keep thy father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother: 21 Bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about thy neck. 22 When thou goest, it shall lead thee; when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee; and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee. 23 For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: 24 To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman. 25 Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids. 26 For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adultress will hunt for the precious life. 27 Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? 28 Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? 29 So he that goeth in to his neighbour’s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent. 30 Men do not despise a thief, if he steal to satisfy his soul when he is hungry; 31 But if he be found, he shall restore sevenfold; he shall give all the substance of his house. 32 But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. 33 A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away. 34 For jealousy is the rage of a man: therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance. 35 He will not regard any ransom; neither will he rest content, though thou givest many gifts.” Satan wants us to cheat on our spouses, He wants us to fall to jealousy, He wants us to commit murder, he wants us to give into the hate we try so hard to push out. It is in that moments when we become pray to the predator. We become weak and frail, and we loose our strength to stand and fight back. When we forsake our oaths, our promises, when our word no longer holds any merit because we’ve lied often, we’ve deceived many, and we’ve broken those closest to us, that’s when the great deceiver, the first fallen Angel, Lucifer Morningstar Himself, has grabbed a hold of you, and has tricked you into forsaking God in exchange for the pleasure of the flesh, the world, and you’ve become a petri-dish for sin to continue to metastasize because sin breeds sin.

For every broken marriage, for every broken bond, for every broken promise and oath, Satan wins by watching those God loves get hurt in so many different ways. The troubles we find ourselves in whether it be of our own doing, or that of something else, Satan is the puppet master and we who are weak allow Him to play us like marionettes. We do not have to be enslaved to sin if we choose to walk in the light of the Lord, but when we choose a life of sin, when we choose selfish desires, and our own wants over that which the Lord deems as good for us, we loose the freedom to break the bonds of sin, and instead hand over the controls to Satan. Sin can be an addiction. Once we start down the road of the feel good phase, we loose site of the fact just because it feels good, doesn’t mean it’s good for us.

For those who are walking in the darkness, allowing Satan to use you for evil purposes, it’s never too late to cut those strings and give the wheel back to God. You can never go so far that the road to redemption is blocked. God always gives us the choice to change our ways, always gives us the ability to make amends and right our wrongs. We can never be too far gone, or cause so much pain that God will turn His back on us, because that’s just not scriptural. If we are to consider ourselves true Christians, we must always choose scripture over what we want, even when it’s hard to do. I hear so often, someone doesn’t deserve forgiveness, or why would you let someone back into your life, or I’m not ready to forgive them just yet. I challenge anyone to show me in the Bible where it says forgiveness must be earned, must be worked for, must be given but only if certain criteria are met. Forgiveness is not an option, it’s not something that’s earned it’s something that we are scripturally told to do, because if we do not, we will not be forgiven by God. Giving forgiveness is mandatory, Colossians 3:13 “13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” We also see this passage in Matthew 6:14-15 “14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: 15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Don’t allow yourself to be used by the Devil. Fight the sin urges that come along. Love your spouses, love your siblings, and love your neighbors. Shower those around you with love even those whom are perceived to be an enemy. Love can and does concur all. Don’t allow yourself to worship false idols and don’t allow yourself to destroy homes by committing atrocious sins. Don’t let the Devil stalk you like helpless pray. Show the Devil you belong to the Lord, and in your every day walk with Jesus show the world where you stand. If someone sins do not pass judgment upon them, do not spread gossip, instead love them, pray for them, accept them with open arms, and lead them by Godly examples. God will bless those who are faithful, and God wants the fallen to be picked up and protected by Angels wings.

One Step Away by Casting Crowns.

It doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone, mercy says you don’t have to keep a running down the road you’re on.

Jesus died so we may live. His blood spilt so our sins would be forgiven and we could be redeemed. Live your life in a way that would be pleasing to God for a gift we could never deserve.

 

 

 

 

Content with Weaknesses

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Content with Weaknesses

I’ve been pondering the sunrise and what it means to me. I’ve been pondering what I’m supposed to learn and what I’m supposed to do. I’ve been pondering why I’m here, and what this situation can teach me. I ask God for guidance, for blessings. I have come to realize in my so many years of living that the blessings I may have gotten are not necessarily blessings I’ve come to realize are actually good things for me. As I’ve questioned all of this and now I’m 1 week after surgery I find myself in a very different place then I have been in the past. I’ve been looking at my scars I’ve accumulated and it’s hard not to travel down memory lane.

One year ago I was on a trip that would ultimately change my life forever. It would start a turn of events that would forever change and alter life as I knew it. I would loose my wife, I would nearly loose my life, I would loose my job, I would eventually loose my home, and in the end my body would finally give up, and give out, and thus where I am 10 months later. As I now find myself living with my mother something that hasn’t been for 17 years. It’s a change to get used to for sure. As I’m sure there are reasons for everything that’s happened it’s difficult to take a step back from how different things are, the hope that things could go back, and even sometimes pray they would. As I’ve become more familiar with the change that’s going on around me, and even in my yearning to not give in to the ever changing life around me, I believe I’m finally starting to succumb to the change, and as parts of me are excited for the change, other parts hold onto the past.

As I am now stranded and not allowed to drive, I can’t lift, and bend, and stretch. I don’t have my things unpacked, and as I’m looking at the future, the 5 weeks I have left seem like an eternity. I find some things I once enjoyed doing, now seem like so much work or effort I can’t seem to put my finger on why I no longer feel the enjoyment I used too. I find myself missing things I once had that now seem like such a past memory that I’m forgetting the finer things in life.

For 10 years I lived my life with the comfort of a woman in my life. For 10 years I knew the touch of love, the smell of perfume, and the feel of soft lips on mine. Being single now since September and having absolutely no luck in the dating seen, the online dating seen, or anywhere in between, I find myself more and more frustrated. I can hear my pastor now, “you’ve got to learn to be comfortable with yourself, and in God’s time you will be knocked off your feet by the blessings you’ll get when it’s the right time, and when you AREN’T LOOKING FOR IT!” Yes, yes, I hear you.

I’m sure the good Lord has something planned for me, whether I know or understand it myself, and the truth is that’s the defining feature of faith. We may not ever see the direction, the plan, the lessons, but knowing they are there and knowing that God is in the drivers seat.

While I cannot for the life of me fully understand how my life’s taken such a turn to mirror Job’s life, I must remain in the faithful that my life will one day be restored to a glorious state that I can look back on this last year and hold it up as a bad dream. While we never know what the sunrise will bring, what we know is there’s a greater plan then what we could possibly ever know.

One thing I’ve been forced to see and something I’ve struggled with especially after the way in which my marriage ended was my own self worth, my own self-esteem, why was I not loveable, why was I disposable, expendable. For months after I questioned myself, I thought so poorly of myself the bottom of the barrel was actually looking pretty high. I’ve prayed day in and day out that somehow, someway, I’d be able to move forward. What I have wanted may not be what’s best for me, but as I fractured into two people 10 months ago, there’s the man that was the past, and the man that was the future. That fractured self has been at war, at odds now for all that time, and the war still rages on, an internal fight for the very future and when I look into the mirror I don’t know who I’m looking at anymore. I question God every day and in all that time I still haven’t come up with the answers I seek. Did I not love enough? Did I hold on to tightly? Did I give too many freedoms? Was I too trusting? What I not trusting enough? Did I just grow old and wasn’t important anymore? What would cause so many in my life to leave me high and dry, quit on me, and leaves? Looking at the math I’ve questioned how 415 Facebook friends, an entire church, several friendships from other jobs who either have nurse friends or are married to nurse’s who work in larger hospitals, yet with all my connections, and 10 months later on several dating apps and reaching out myself I find myself no closer to finding a date or anyone that a legitimate relationship would be possible. After so long and so many failures it’s easy to start to question ones self.

No matter how much we start to doubt ourselves there’s something we should remember. In all things remember 2 Corinthians 12:5-10 “5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses—6 though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Do not be prideful, do not be afraid to look in the mirror and smile at the creation God made. I have to believe that while I am alone now, and have been for a while, there’s a reason. I have to believe that God’s perfect plan is to make things better for me. No matter the fractured self, in time that fracture will mend, and the scars that are left behind, and there are scars, will be a reminder of the life of old, and the future that remains, a fresh canvas in which to pain a new work of art for the glory of God.

 

The Bullet

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The Bullet

The warm handle, the textured grip, the smooth trigger, and the textures of the Smith & Wesson he holds in his hand. He looks up to see his world crumbling in front of his very eyes. The true loves, the lies and beliefs gone up in smoke. Smoke is a funny term to describe the situation my friend was in. He holds the 9mm in his hand and waits till no ones in front of him. He looks down at the gun one last time, he watches himself lift the gun to his shoulder, and he takes a breath, and holds while he squeezes the trigger. The blood splatters away from the wound as he sees it gushing from the hole in his shoulder. The oxygen leaves his body quicker then an exhale. The scream in the distance is a loud shriek that would curdle anyone’s blood. The blood from his shoulder is warm, and thick as it coats his hand that’s trying to cover the hole. He starts to see dark, and the world around him fades away. Death he thinks is warm, and gentle. Slowly drifting to a new world. The females hand covers over his chest and his eyes close, he looses everything he knew. He didn’t recognize himself anymore, and as the bullet passed through his flesh, the fire washed away the old him, and a new person would be born.

He would claim to hear the voice of God in the ambulance. He would claim to have apologized for his mistakes, and God he claims forgave him and sent him back. He claims the voice was loud and thunderous and brought forth feelings of hope and terror at the same time. He gasped for air as the life returned to his body. The stabbing pain in his back was that of the ribs that had fractured by the bullets exit. He’d later find out that the severely deformed the 3rd rib, fractured the 2nd and damaged the 7th before it exited his shoulder blade. Along with the collar bone being chipped the bullet would leave shrapnel behind in the lung as it worked its way out. The bullet punctured the lung deflating it right away, which is why he lost consciousness so quickly. He would beg for death in the ambulance hoping to return to the warmth and peace he just felt. His request to die would go unheard as the valiant paramedics worked diligently to stop the bleeding. He would end up loosing 6/8 units of blood before the ER was able to stabilize his wounds.

The remainder of the night was a blur for him as visitors came in two at a time. He doesn’t remember much, just quick images, glimpses, vague memories somewhere between reality and imaginary. The pain he would feel during recover would have him begging for death. The morphine drip in his arm would get blocked for several hours and his pain levels would hit a 10 and stay there for hours. He’d beg for relief and the nurse kept telling him for over an hour he needed to breath, the problem was every breath he would take would be sharp stabs into his lungs, every rise and fall of his chest would beg for relief of unconsciousness. It was over an hour before the care team found the medication wasn’t working in the bloodstream.

The days after would leave him learning about himself. His actions would leave him questioning everything he knew about himself. He would spend the next several months combing over his bible, combing through scripture, learning about himself and Gods plan for him. He hopes to one day change the world and if not the world his only little corner of it.

Recently he would be reminded a few times over of his mistakes. The pain everyday would be a constant reminder of his mistakes. The truth that he survived and was forced to live with the images of his mistakes every single day, yet some people in his life would bring it up, remind him in hurtful ways regularly. James 5:16 “Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” The lack of faith from the people that used to care for him is the hardest part. The truth between good and evil, the truth between right and wrong, the truth between selfish and selfless is somewhere in between.

He’s asked me to pray for his life, his goal to reach out and stop this from happening to anyone else. He knows he can’t ever take it back, but he wants to at least right his wrongs. He created his own nightmares; his own demons when he pulled that trigger and he prays God will use him to prevent any tragedy from happening like this again.

“If you wanna make the world a better place,

Take a look at yourself and make a change,

Hooo” Michael Jackson/ Batman

Throat punched

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Throat punched
So as I sit here with my neck in a brace, when I talk not only do I sound it, I feel like I’ve been throat punched. Yes that’s what happens when you have surgery. But let me tell you. I couldn’t be more lucky. Gods grace and perfect timing all the time. 
There were complications in surgery. My disc ruptured and fluid went into my spinal column. They cleaned it up but I needed to be closely watched. There may have been some hematoma around my incision. 
Thankfully the rupture was found and didn’t do permanent damage. In all the CT’s, the risky MRI (because of shrapnel in my lung) not one of these scans showed the disk had ruptured. As I’m not a doctor I cannot obviously speak clearly of the dangers of that fluid where it doesn’t belong. But I do know it’s BAD! 
Because Gods perfect in His timing and love everything went well even with the complications. Even the new raspier voice I have just plays into effect when I wear the mask. All things considered I’m pretty darn happy. 
Yesterday I couldn’t squeeze my ball and now I can squeeze it with all my might and it’s beautiful. I can walk with my head held high and arms swinging. Gods touched my body through the hands of my surgeons and have given me my life back. I may have some troubles the rest of my life but for now, it seems all of that is within acceptable limits. 
Believe in the power of prayer and love. From the prayer shawl I received from my church, the love of my Associate Pastor, my mom, and everyone near and far that prayed for me before during and after my surgery. All this prayer I have felt the reward. I know I live on to fight the Devil for another day. 
For you all wary souls like my one was, take heart knowing the Lord of all the wonders of this world is with you, right there suffering your sufferings. Believe and know the faithful, the just, the kind, will be rewarded. We may not always say or do the right things to one another but we must know it and apologize for it. Own up to our mistakes and ask for the forgiveness we should. 
Stay connected to God and be blessed by his touch. God bless all of you! 

Starting the day, Ending the day 

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Starting the day, Ending the day 

You wake up one morning and the day starts off all wrong. Murphy’s law kicks in and everything that can go wrong does? Perhaps that’s an exaggeration but I know you get the picture. So a little while ago one night I only got a few hours of sleep before I had to get up and head to work. I knew I didn’t feel well and before I got to work on my hour drive my stomach started to do summersaults. When I got to work I realized I didn’t have my badge to get myself in. Upset stomach and at least 40 minutes before I could get into the building I was miserable. I felt awful. I could start feeling beads of sweat on my forehead. I honestly felt like I was going to pass out, and I started feeling sick to my stomach. Thankfully all that eventually worked out and I started to feel better. But, of course the day I feel awful is the day that everything’s going on. Several meetings, a complaint, packages, and all the while I just want to return to my bed.

The day continued on, and I received a phone call from an unexpected source. I hesitated to decide what to do with it. Eventually I reached out to the caller. That’s when my entire day started to change. The air changed, and I had no idea how much my life would change by the end. When I got home I knew I needed to work out a problem so I called each one of my credit cards and asked for a $200 increase to cover an unexpected bill that came up. Sadly, each of them declined the increase. Over the last year the battle for a medical bill with the VA, and other unfortunate financial situations may have damaged my credit a great deal. Finances and biblical teaching on them is another blog for another time. I had no idea what I was going to do, or how I was going to pay that bill, and I needed to figure it out in less then an hour.

I went to dinner and my guest actually picked up the tab. Dinner was my idea, but they were very gracious to pay for it. We talked and as the conversation continued to grow, I could feel the work ahead to that particular relationship was going to be both heartbreaking and rewarding at the same time. Either way, talking was a positive direction I couldn’t do anything else but praise God. The day would continue to have a few positive surprises. The unexpected bill was only half of what originally thought so the extra coverage on the credit card wasn’t actually needed. The conversation continued for a while and it seemed positive albeit full of pain, it was still better then not at all.

By the end of the day I felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The future was still unclear as ever, but it was clear that God was working in my life, and allowing things to happen that would set a new path. We must continue to have faith in what we can’t see and understand that our path is never set in stone. One thing I’ve learned though is no matter how long the storm last no matter how long it rains, no matter how wet we are, God’s right there beside us looking up to the storm clouds. I recently heard a song for the first time by Casting Crowns; Praise you in this storm

 I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.

 I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.

 I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone how can I carry on
If I can’t find you

 No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

 This is only small cut of that song, but you can see how powerful the lyrics are. I have often felt like the cloud was following me day-to-day, month-to-month, but even as the storm rages on around me and in my heart, God’s always there with us. Isaiah 43:2 “2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.” The faith to truly walk with the Lord and cast our fears and doubts aside is not an easy road and it’s one few will walk. To truly trust in the lord to see us through, to give up the fear and doubt and disbelief is something most will never manage to achieve. The truth is though a God that created the heavens and the earth, a God that created such a perfect creation, that same God that can cast down plagues, can also provide great comfort and ease the suffering of the sick. Psalm 91:1-6 “He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. 3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. 4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. 5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; 6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.” In our battles we will be protected by God’s shield, the Angels Wings, we shall have light in the night to scare away the things that creep in the dark. We will have the protection we need because that protection is promised to the faithful. We will undergo tribulations, but in those trials the protection of the lord can give up to the hopeless, give peace to the restless.

In all things God is in the trenches with us. In those time where we just barely escape unharmed, or we realize a situation could have been worse, or we start to see the blessings, the beautiful things that remain even in the most dismal of situations, we see signs everywhere we look that God is still with us. The Apostle Peter was imprisoned and one night an Angel visited him in the cell and placed him in a trance. The Angel had Peter follow as each gate was opened and each guard was removed from the path to have a clear exit from the prison. Acts 12:5-17

We may not get the Angel treatment every day, but I’m sure everyone myself included has felt the presence of one before.

September 12th 2004 the mission started bright and early. The convoy departed and as my Humvee was second in line it was game time. The plan went off the rails less then 10 minutes into it. The IED (Improvised Explosive Device) would be sure to change that. Without going into the whole story the important part was when the bullet first hit my door and both hands flung to the steering wheel the calm that came over me, the peace, the reassurance that things were going to be fine was undeniable. The RPG’s fired; the countless IED’s the sheer number of insurgents guiding us through an elaborate ambush none of them would make a solid hit to do enough damage to stop either of the two Humvee’s involved. The wings of an Angel were protecting us, the hands of the Angel was guiding my hands to keep up and go where I needed to, to avoid being struck by a direct impact from an RPG, take too much damage from bullets, or even a devastating IED to stop the truck. We took a great deal of damage, no fluids where left in the engine except gas, 3 of 4 tires were blown out by bullets and RPG shrapnel, power steering was gone, but despite all the bullets to the engine we still kept running, right up till my foot came off the gas after we reached safety. As soon as we were towed into the base and we were able to get out of the Humvee the realization of what just happened hit me. I felt like Peter during the jailbreak, in a daze, not fully away, but aware of what was going on around me. I was calm, at peace, confident in my actions. Facing over 100 insurgents and taking that much damage the odds were not in our favor, yet we managed to overcome them anyway, and made it out alive.

I love movies where the odds are so bad, so unrealistic that even the main characters things their chances are bad, but reading scripture and seeing how often the odds weren’t in the victors favor yet God was with them I realize that Odds are just that Odds, that’s not a sure thing, and it doesn’t predict the outcome. We will never be able to know for sure how our day will go after it starts. Even in the most trying of times and the worst of days, it only takes an instant to turn all that around. God has a plan, God’s working on the plan even when we can’t or don’t see it. The faith we need to get through our day is that of trust in what we can’t see. Hebrews 11:6 “But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.” No matter what our day looks like we must trust that in the right time the faithful shall be rewarded. Luke 1:37 “For with God nothing shall be impossible.” It’s in that time we must understand that we don’t’ have to understand. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Praise God for answered and unanswered prayers. We must have faith in and out of the storms. We must understand that the puzzle isn’t complete and we see only a piece at a time. The future can be so much more then we can ever imagine if we trust that our future will be what God wants it to be if we trust in Him.

 

 

 

 

 

Love Unconditional

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Love Unconditional

I’ve been putting a lot of thought into the word love. What does it mean to love something? When we think of love we think of our parents, siblings, closest friends, but we also think of our favorite show, our favorite food, our favorite pass time activity. The truth is in our society today the word just gets tossed around flippantly. The truth is, I think love is something that when we loose the object of our affection it breaks us apart inside. When we are dating in school we often throw the word around love and sure I don’t want to downplay those emotions, but the proof is in the pudding, often times that’s just puppy love and something we get over pretty quick once it’s gone. True love however is something a little more difficult to come by. The Bible has a pretty air tight description of love, and when we look at our lives, and we compare it to this, the comparisons are often going to leave you realizing, maybe it’s not love after all. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 “4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.” Now I know what you’re thinking, yes I am talking about love, and yes so is 1 Corinthians. “Charity is the epitome of perfection in the Christian life. It is the “greatest” of the three abiding virtues” (http://www.learnthebible.org/charity-or-love.html) If we look at the definition of love, and compare it to what we say to others, are we actually in line with scripture, or just a word we use because we don’t know anything better to say?

Lets make it easier to understand a little. When you look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” How often in our own lives do we drudge up mistakes our partner made 2 years ago? How often do we hold a grudge, and for how long? How often do we love but only so long as we are worldly happy? There is so much in our lives today that draw us away from love. So much today that we don’t understand, but if we go to Scripture, if we study, we can finally unravel the strongest of lies, and the strongest of truths. John 15:13 “13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” Jesus, Jesus laid down His perfect life as a perfect blemish less, sinless man that chose to be tortured, ridiculed, and murdered for us, for every single last one of us that in no way by our daily actions deserve such grace and mercy. The truth is, that’s LOVE. When we think about that kind of love, makes what we say about love look silly. How often do we see now in our world today divorce is a cancer on our society, and it runs unchecked destroying homes left and right. We see marriage as expendable, as an option that so long it benefits me, so long as I am getting something out of it, I’ll stay married. THE QUESTION I ASK TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU, WHAT ARE YOU GIVING IN YOUR MARRIAGE? If we look a little deeper we see what the definition of love is, we see what is says in John, but what about husbands and wives? Ephesians 5:25 “25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,” Yes that means you are supposed to love your wives so much that you sacrifice unconditionally to her. You sacrifice yourself to give her everything she needs. Note I said need, not want. The difference between need and want is an entirely separate blog.

Husbands, need to sacrifice worldly things, worldly desires, worldly distractions for his wife. Ephesians 5:22-24 “22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” Many people look at this section of scripture and scoff, and I really question why that is. I get the feminist movement, and women can do anything a man can do and all that stuff, and that’s great, but the truth is, women and men aren’t the same. We are wired differently in the brains, we have different strengths and weaknesses, and this isn’t talking about slavery this is talking about letting go of ones worldly self. Letting go of the fleshy desires, and allowing yourself to be completely taken in by your husband. As the husband loves the wife as he died for us, so shall the husband die for his wife. Think about this, when we get married, we often think of it as the old ball in chain, the tying of the knot, the end or death of an era. Well, in some parts yes, that’s exactly what it is. But if we look at death as a bad thing, a negative thing, sure we will be going into that marriage under negative premise and then that’s where the problems start to set in. Death is a glorious thing, a wonderful thing, because as a Christian we believe that death of us is the gateway to an eternal life of perfection and love. If we are to truly love our wives, love our husbands we must allow the old part of us to die off. Think of love and marriage like a butterfly. The caterpillar is you before you get married. The marriage is the cocoon. When you emerge married that fuzzy old caterpillar is gone, fundamentally changed into a beautiful creature no longer bound to crawl around, but to soar, to fly, to be a wonder of nature.

How wonderful it would be if we actually saw marriage that way. How wonderful it would be if we as a people were able to see ourselves and combining our selves into one body and actually selflessly giving up our selves and wanting only to please our partner. To those who are struggling in your marriages, I offer this, in all things God can heal, and with work, and saying it a hundred times, a thousand times, I forgive you, forgive the wrongs your partner has done. Remember the way you felt the day you got married and realize if both of you, if both the Husband and the Wife learn to forgive, learn to accept, learn to change because marriage is a fundamental change. You are no longer you, you become y’all. When we loose sight of the togetherness, the us in the marriage and we start to focus on the me, start to focus on the what does Arrow Preacher want, we loose sight of the (what) can I do for my spouse? What can I do to bring happiness to my beloved today? Human greed is one of the strongest sins to pull us back into the world, but two are stronger then one. Pouring of sand of two different colors into a jar that sand can never be completely separated. There’s reason sand if often used in marriage ceremonies. It’s a constant visual reminder that once together, you shall never break apart, bonded into one entity, one jar, and as rope is stronger when woven together, so shall you be stronger when you come to realize the true definition of love, the true understanding of what Scripture is talking about, and let go of your worldly sins, those desires that draw you away from your spouse. The Devil wants to break up marriage because he’s been doing it since the beginning. Marriage was the plan, for man to not be alone, and he knows that separated the divide and concur makes for an easier target. Don’t take the bait. Don’t allow Satan to ruin your union. Fight back, and fight for each other.