Tag: peace

A Multitude of Sins

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A Multitude of Sins

Here I sit alone in almost complete silence. The teal glow on the wall from the lava lamp, and the glow from the computer screen are the only lights on in the house. There’s no music on, no television, just a fan in the dining room I can hear. The sounds of the keys being clicked own is loud in the silence of the house. Occasionally I can hear one of the dogs yawning, or licking their paw, but it’s quiet.

What do we do when we are alone in the dark, no sounds, just the sound of our own thoughts? Where does your mind take you? Mine takes me to a place darker then that of my home right now, a multitude of sins and mistakes. How did I get here my mind asks. How has my life turned out this way, and where the heck do I go form here? The truth is I don’t know. People ask me every day what’s the plan, where are you going to go, what are you going to do? You see, people that know me best know me as the planner. In an earlier post I talked about your emergency preparedness kit and some of what’s in my hiking bag. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. I haven’t had a plan since September 18th 2016. That day all of my sins came to the surface, they came with a reckoning, a force strong enough to knock me off my balance and shake the very foundation in which I built my life. Up till that point in my life I had found myself to be relatively successful. I was happily married, doing well at work, doing great in school, working towards a baby, everything I wanted in life. I had the greatest in-laws anyone could ever hope for, a great sister in law, but fate it seems follows it’s own course, not what we want. In just a matter of a short bit of time everything I loved, the life I spent years building would crumble around me and I would loose everything. The foundation cracked and a cavern opened up under me and swallowed me whole. At the time I felt as if I’d never get out. At the time I felt that my pain, my suffering was the end of me and sadly, wrongly, I felt as if I deserved it. I felt as if my sins were coming back and I had to pay for them. I felt as if I deserved to suffer, to undergo pain and suffering.

A life of trauma built up and tucked away in a nice tidy little closet, away from the world so no one would see. The pain inside buried so deep that the mask I wore every day was good enough to fool even those closest to me. So many times I felt the sorrow the shame bubbling up from the deepest pits within myself, and as skillfully as a superhero beats down a lowly thug, I put that stop in the rising pain, and forced it to return back to the darkest places of my very soul. Compartmentalization is such a wonderful tool when dealing with pain. It can be very helpful as a short term coping mechanism but when used for trauma, the idea is to revisit the trauma soon after the crisis is over, and face the memory head on to come to grips with it. The trouble with that is when the day never comes to revisit, it’s locked away, never forgotten, but never addressed either.

What do we do when the foundation we built our very existence crumbles and falls apart? When our foundation is not as solid as we thought it was, and our deepest fears come true? When everything we’ve ever wanted is taken away, when our deepest fear is realized, and every trauma we’ve ever buried breaks out of prison with an angry vengeance the perfect storm is realized and bad terrible things happen to our minds.

When the hurricane hit me I wasn’t able to maintain my footing. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to handle, the one and only thing I knew was the word STOP. I knew it had to stop. I felt I deserved what happened to me. I felt I had a right to the pain because I had sinned. I had never lived up to be what I should have, and I earned my place. The memory slipped away after actions were taken. What happened to me? What was going to happen to me? So quickly control was fleeting, a wild chaos was quickly snapped back to a hazy reality but not without consequence. No one ever warned us this might happen. No one ever taught us the repercussions of a lifetime of running. You can’t run forever, sooner or later the past will catch up to you and when it does, it wants its payment with interest.

It would take months to realize the new reality, which was my life. It would take only days to realize how bad of a decision that had been made without conscious control. We all have to answer for our sins, and we all have to pay for them. The hard part about dealing with what we’ve done is forgiving ourselves. For me it’s always been easier to forgive others for the bad things they’ve done, but to forgive myself, you’d have better luck pulling a tooth from a T-Rex. I can never take back what happened that day, but to understand more then just the surface problem, to see beyond the facts of that day, it takes a deeper look into the human soul.

As we walk in our lives we see those around us who get caught in addiction, self-harm, physical disorders such as eating disorders, but do we ever try to address the problem? The problem on the surface is the immediate issue, but the problem I’m talking about is that below, the root of the problem. When people suffer for a long time even when we cannot see it, it can often manifest itself in ways to run and hide from the source. Eventually running is all we know. Eventually that life becomes a new reality a safe comfortable reality in our own minds. Even if from the outside it looks destructive and harmful, no doubt it is destructive and harmful, but life itself is often through the eyes of the beholder.

Survivors of alcoholism, or self-harm, suicide attempts, addictions to sleeping bills or other drugs, they know the route, but it’s everyone around that becomes the new problem. How many spectators become judgmental of the victim? Let’s use suicide as an example. If someone tries to end their life, what is the normal reaction from those around? Some are in shock and disbelief, others flock to the person showering with love and sympathy, but there are others who feel anger and distain. Suicide is often looked to as the coward’s way out, the easy way out. The anger comes from the idea that it hurts the ones who are left behind. So suicide is often known as selfish. The problem with today’s society is a lack of education on various mental health problems. There are a lot of assumptions and negative connotations that exist that doesn’t make them true. As a society we need to learn to answer pain with Love, answer hurt with Love. We’ve become so quick to push people away who cause pain, but never ask if the pain was intentional. Let me tell you, if someone’s facing addiction, or suicide, you are the last person on his or her minds. Some may leave a note behind, but the idea is never to inflict harm on others, albeit the end result is pain and suffering. Ironic that the idea to end ones own pain and suffering it will inflict that upon others, and yet that thought never crosses the victims mind. Colossians 3:12 “12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” We know that when there is pain doctors are compassionate towards the victims, EMS have a bedside manner of caring and love, but when someone in our family or friends harms themselves anger, and venomous reactions take the stage. Isaiah 49:13 “13 Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” God knows when to be compassionate and when to be hard on his children. Psalm 51:1 “1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.” Is it so hard to forgive others? Is it so hard to realize we all make mistakes and we all harm one another at some point in our lives? Forgiveness isn’t something that is supposed to take time, (realizing this is the reality) it’s something that is supposed to come from the heart. Luke 23:34 “34 Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.”

We must learn to dig deeper to see the why and not just assume. We must learn to Love first and have compassion to those in pain. We must learn to forgive and understand the sinful nature of mankind. These things are not easy, but are necessary. No matter what the world says about some stigmas the facts remain in scripture. Education is the key to being a compassionate person, understanding the driving forces behind a particular mindset can not only give you incite, but help when you come face to face with it yourself. We all know someone who’s tried to commit suicide, became addicted to something, had some sort of mental health crisis, but do we really ever know the why, or the how? How did we treat them when the initial crisis had passed? Our jobs as a Church body is to love, have compassion, not to tare down someone after they already hit rock bottom. Love not hate, it really isn’t that hard with practice.

If you are the surviver of such an addiction, or suicide attempt, know that tomorrow the day can be brighter. As the Book of Job teaches us no matter how bad a situation may look at the time, tomorrow, God can bless us and change our future in an instant. We must maintain love and faith in God, in both or blessings, and our hardships.

 

 

 

To Find Where I Belong!

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To find where I belong!

Wandering aimlessly through the voidless desert of the hustle and bustle but to you it’s full of emptiness. Where do I belong, something’s wrong with the world, or is something wrong with me? God doesn’t make mistakes so this has to be right. Me being here is by a greater design that I don’t have clearance to see the whole plan. Fear engulfed emotions run wild. Dreaming of a place where I would find a warm welcome, a place to call home. Where can I plant my flag and finally find peace and rest in life. The constant barrage of cannon fire from the Deceiver has left me cowering for cover for too long.

A day will come when I’ll be on my way. I’ll be strong and this suffering will be a faded memory, and a scar to remind me of what I’m capable of. With God I can overcome anything. The first step is looking deep inside yourself. Start any new journey with the self-check. Be the man, the woman Jesus wants you to be.

Sometimes where you are or where you thought you were supposed to be was only temporary. The way the world can change in less then a heartbeat is powerful and scary at the same time. What does it mean to have faith? To trust in something beyond our control. To trust in the plan even when we can’t see it. To step out of your comfort zone and onto the stormy waters no mater the lies being whispered to you. The voice of God, Jesus will never leave you alone in the dark. For the Glory, the journey begins.

The walking sticks to help your trek made easier, the pack you carry to prepare for life’s challenges is no different the filling that canteen with the Holy Spirit. We may not be where we belong but that doesn’t mean we aren’t headed there. As long as you keep fighting and never give up, the lessons learned along the way will be forever useful. On the dangerous journey of life pass on the struggles, pass on the hardships, be a leader and a roll model for others struggling on their road. Be a guiding light, let people see Christ in you. There may be pain but there is grace also. The darkest sky can be darker. The waters could be higher. The tests could be harder. When we quiet ourselves and take a moment to educate ourselves on what’s going on in our world we can see worse everyday. We can always look out our cloudy window and see the more disenfranchised, the homeless, the countries with less then the least have here. Those who suffer from illness and poverty and those who have tragedy and more importantly those who parish not knowing the Lord.

This may not be where I belong but I know that God is in control. I know that God is on my side. I may not belong but my battle isn’t over. I will find my way if I am calm and listen. I will not be alone and I will find a love that will love God and me. I have faith in the Lord that I will not be forsaken. I will not be forgotten in the billions on this planet.

There is none like you oh Lord. You’ve created all, you’ve saved us all. We are so imperfect and yet so loved. We turn our backs, we don’t believe, we curse you, and still we have your grace. You oh God believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You see my importance, my worth even when others don’t. My God to you goes all the glory. I stumbled along the way but you kissed my boo boos and made it okay. You brushed me off and helped me up. Even without an earthly Father I had you, the greatest of all the Fathers anyone can hope for.

I am weak, I am a sinner and even when punished for my sins for my wrong doing I am forgiven and Loved endlessly. God’s on the move in every way, in every life even if they don’t see it. Be not afraid of what we don’t know because Gods not dead and we will live. The perfect lamb sacrificed for all of us so we may live without fear, and live to the glory of the one true King. We are free and we have a choice how to use that freedom. I have been wounded, hated, beaten and betrayed but I know the love that matters.

No I may not be home, I may be moving forward to a future unseen, a blind destiny, but I will take the leap of faith and I know God will catch me.

Hallelujah my God saves me

Hallelujah my God looks after me

Hallelujah my God never forsakes me

Hallelujah my God loves me

Hallelujah my God protects me

Hallelujah my God forgives me

Hallelujah my God died for me so I may live!

Empty shell (Behind The Mask)

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Empty shell (Behind the mask) 

I hate the way I feel, I hate the way that the world doesn’t quite seem as bright and shiny as it once used to. I hate that now I feel like something’s been taken away from me and I question if I’m ever going to get that back. I hate the way you’re happy at least on the surface. I hate what I’ve lost in myself. I hate that I’ve lost the reassurance that the world itself wasn’t such a horrible place. I hate the fact that I’m alone or at least on the surface feel alone. I hate that I feel lost. It feels like my world is crumbling around me and I hate the way I have memories for something, that I’ll never have again. I hate the feeling that I failed and I question if I’ll ever succeed again. I question how long I have to wait before my test is over. I question where I’m going to live, what I’m going do. I question the questions and if they are even appropriate to ask. What made it so bad that made it so hard to stay with me. I question what I did that was so bad that you could hurt someone to the point you’ve hurt me. I feel like you have to shell that’s been cracked and can’t be put back together again. I feel like all the joy that I had has been torn away and replaced with sadness and sorrow, shame, guilt and regret. I feel hallow like I don’t feel real. I feel like an old toy, thrown away when it’s been out grown. I feel sorrow. I feel abused.

God feels so far away. I know the teacher doesn’t interfere during the test, but I feel so abandoned. I know the faith it takes, I know the love that’s there for me, from God and from my friends but I don’t feel it right now. I poured everything I had, everything I was, but too little too late. I have been good and bad, and I know that one day this storm will pass and I will look back and know that faith got me through. Faith doesn’t mean you won’t hurt, doesn’t mean you won’t have negative feelings, it doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t be heart broken, but that when the storm comes you’re ready for it. There’s no time limit on how long you’ll be in the storm. No rules as to how much can be taken from you. No promise to an easy life. The only promise is to be loved by God, and that God will never abandon you.

John Blake: “Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be angry, in your bones. I mean, they understand, foster parents, everybody understands, for awhile. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can’t do, move on. So after awhile they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boys home. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It’s like putting on a mask.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-11 “8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 11 For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.”

 Everyday is a battle after heartbreak. Everyday is a baby step forward, and although there may be good days, excellent days, there can also be days where it feels you’ve been knocked back 10 steps. The healing process for me hasn’t been an easy one. The days that have ticked by seconds as minutes, minutes as hours, and what hours seemed like days, those are the days when the mind can play cruel tricks on you. The healing process of heartbreak, of loss, of betrayal can be helped or hindered by many factors. A healthy job, a healthy social life, and eventually a healthy dating life can all assist in the therapeutic repair. Sadly things don’t always go according to our own plan. We may not understand and can have a hard time accepting why so many things can hurt us when all we want to do is heal, move forward, feel better. The truth is, the world may judge you on how you handle a major tragedy in your life. Just as Blake stated sometimes you just have to put on that mask. The world isn’t whom you have to get to accept you, it’s Christ. When you know in your heart that even if you aren’t healing as fast or as well as your friends or family would like, are you doing everything you can to live your life according to scripture? As I never claim to be an expert, I don’t recall ever seeing anything that gives a timeline to grief, or sorrow. We may not always have the friends and family readily available as often as we’d like to spend time with, to go out with and socialize with, but what matters is when times are toughest know they are there for you.

I have been blessed with the best Church family anyone could ever ask or hope for. Through everything I’ve endured they have been there for me. They have held me when I’ve cried, picked me up when I was injured, helped me financially when I couldn’t work, and have provided the most moral, and Godly support any man could ever dream of having.

I have some of the best friends a man could hope for. They’ve rallied to my bedside when I was hurt, and have also helped me financially when times got tough. They are spread thin throughout the entire country, and although this means I don’t have a budding, effective social life to get me out of the house as much as I should, I know they are always there.

God will answer my prayers when the time is right. The time isn’t when I think it should be, but when it needs to be. Having faith that the faithful will be rewarded and blessed in this life according to our demeanor of deserving it. We cannot be given a gift we are not ready for. We cannot be given blessings we would most certainly abuse. We may not always know why we have unanswered prayers, but we must remain faithful that it’s just not according to the plan.

As empty as I have felt the last few weeks, I know that great things are coming even if I can not see them just yet. All my years in theater I understand what the crowd sees on stage is only a fraction of what’s going on during the play. The hard work, the majority of the work is being done off stage, what can’t be seen. We don’t know what God is doing behind the scenes, preparing for our futures, that’s the hard part about patience.

In short I leave you this final quote of my own making. “The beauty about being an empty shell is that it means it’s completely open for it to be refilled with something new.”

Why I became The Arrow Preacher

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Why I became the Arrow Preacher

A question I’ve been asking myself is why this path? Why have I chosen to dawn the hood, teach myself to be an archer, learn the Bible and teach others. I don’t know the path I live on, or where it will take me. All my life I’ve felt out of place, I have felt like something was wrong. The only part of my life that makes sense, the only part of my life that seems to be going well, knowing that I am writing and making a difference. It feels good knowing that I am in some small way doing God’s work.

For so long in my life I wished I could be someone else, anyone other then who I was. I dreaded every day I would wake up and head out into the world. I never cared for what I saw in the mirror, or the pain and suffering I had in my heart every day. I had always had a love for archery and characters that were archers. One in particular the Green Arrow became a quick favorite of mine. For years I would dress as the character for Halloween. I continued to train myself with my bows and as time went on, more and more people started to call me the Arrow.

During the time I spent under the hood it became clearer I was more comfortable under the hood then that everyone saw me as every day. As I began to write on Facebook the more I wrote the more people started to gravitate to it. In time the suggestion would start to come that I create my own blog, separate from Facebook, A place where my voice could and would be heard. Eventually I would be told by the right people, at just the right time in my life to start this blog.

Over the last few months as I’ve seen my blog take flight, I now find myself evaluating where I’m going. I find myself comfortable in my reasonable success with my blog and finding a sense of pride with each new country my blog is viewed from.

These days my persona feels more real then my life. I feel I am doing my best work when I am writing and reaching out to others. God has blessed me with some wonderful abilities, and I am thankful every day for them. To allow my pain to reach others and not let that pain destroy me I can only praise God. My pain the suffering I’ve endured has taught me much it will not be in vein. If I can reach others in similar pain, those who’ve gone through depression, anxiety, divorce, self loathing, the thoughts and feelings we all have at some point. God has blessed me with a great deal over the years. As I have survived on setback after another in my life, it is always God who’s lifted me out of the shadows, brought me back into the light, brought me back to life. The war is far from over, and as I see myself a warrior for Christ I will not give up till my last breath is taken to bring others unto his flock.

I will continue to use my gifts, use this hood and this mask, and to use my bow to reach others any way I can. This blog is an outlet for the daily struggles I face, along with things I know others have and are facing. I can only hope to reach as many people as possible. For all of my followers, THANK YOU! I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I am honored so have such wonderful followers.

Bat signal in the sky

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Bat signal in the sky

How do you know Jesus is next to you? Is it the warm feeling in your heart when something special happens, when something works out despite all odds? What if you could look to the sky, and see the signal to let you know God was still watching over you, would that give you comfort? When the disciples where walking with Jesus for 3 years even after all the miracles He preformed they still doubted the true nature of who He was. Even if there was some sort of Jesus symbol in the sky just as the Bat signal didn’t stop all crime, there would still be doubters in the world.

In my life there’s been enough evidence for me to believe that Christ not only existed, but also was the Son of God. John 20:29 “Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.” Even Thomas who had followed for 3 years didn’t believe without actually feeling the holes in Jesus’s hands and side. If someone who lived with Jesus for that long could doubt, it’s understandable how we could doubt even today. James 1:6 “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” When we feel lost and feel like we cannot go on any further we must look to the sky and pray. Even if the signal in the sky isn’t there, we must know that God is always watching.

Let’s people know he’s still out there, let those who are weary know that Jesus is with them. Be there for those who need help. Take comfort in knowing that no matter the circumstances you find yourself in Christ our God is still with us. Find your own signal, find something you can grasp onto to remind yourself He’s watching. The bat signal in the sky was a way to tell Batman there was trouble, but also to remind criminals the Bat was still there. We too can find and keep our own signal. When I was in Iraq I kept a small Gideon’s Bible in the breast pocket of my uniform under my body armor. This was a constant reminder to me that God was always with me. As beat up as that bible is now I no longer carry it, but I have found other things to remind me. Now I wear a ring with the Armor of God passage. Every time I look down I am reminded of how precious my time is here, and how every step I take God is always with me. It’s not always easy to have faith, but we need to know, when we really need it God will always be there for us, because even when we don’t need His help, Gods with us. Pray earnestly always and have faith even when you cannot see.

Leap of Faith

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Leap of Faith

Sometimes in life you have to take a leap without looking where you may land. We don’t always know why God leads us down a particular path, but one thing is certain, there is most certainly a plan.

It’s been over 30 days now since I have been back to work. Just when I thought all hope was lost I get a call out of the blue asking if I’d like to go to work for a new account manager. Without hesitation and without knowing all the details I agreed. “God” I asked, “This is obviously part of the plan, if this is what you want me to do, I will follow your path.” I don’t know where my future will take me, but I have faith, and that faith no matter where the river takes me, I’ll not fight it.

What would you do if you had to take a leap of faith? What would you do if Jesus asked you to drop everything, leave everything and follow? Would you do it? 1 Peter 2:21 “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.” Christ asks us to pick up our cross and follow. This is noted more then once in scripture. When Christ gathered his 12 disciples he asked them to take a leap of faith, giving up their jobs, their wives, their families, to follow the Lord. Matthew 4:19-22 “19 And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. 20 And they straightway left their nets, and followed him. 21 And going on from thence, he saw other two brethren, James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, in a ship with Zebedee their father, mending their nets; and he called them. 22 And they immediately left the ship and their father, and followed him.”

 As I move forward into my new life and I watch the old fade away, I too must decide what am I willing to give up, what am I willing to leave in order to follow my calling. The incontrovertible fact is I cannot, I will not stay stagnant in my walk with Christ. I know that many may think I’m crazy for pursuing the life style I am working towards and even hated by some, I know that I would rather be judged and hated by them, then judged by God. Matthew 10:22 “And you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Nothing this world can do to us is worse then the fate we face if we don’t follow the Lord. Ephesians 6:16 “In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;” Don’t let fear be what stops you.

 The Devil will lie to you to keep you from taking that leap. The Devil will try to persuade you by giving you all the reasons not to. The voices telling you, you aren’t good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, are all the lies because the voice of truth is anything in God is possible. Our path isn’t always the path we are meant to be on, and we must learn to discern the difference. Have faith and take a leap out of that plane, onto that path, make the move, make the change. Make a difference.

GRACE

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Grace

I spent my life thinking we had a special connection. I worshiped you, and knew you were with me, but I resisted in so many ways. I kept and held onto resentments. I was so angry even though I held it all in. In my youth I felt your presence but I was an angry kid. I spent all my time going from one trauma to the next, one school day to the next, putting all the bad in a box, a box on a shelf in a closet and closing the door. I kept believing that couldn’t be what life was about. There was more to life and there was more to you oh God.

I didn’t know much about the Old Testament in those days. I didn’t know about the hardships of Job, the trials of David. I never understood the reason for trials, I never understood the paradox of the more you suffer, the more you needed to lift your heart to God. Even now into my adult life I have questioned the why, I’ve wondered the reason to take everything I held dear. That was right up till recently. 1 Peter 5:10 “But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle [you].” We will always have to suffer a little while. Perhaps the reason for it is simple. How do we face adversity? How do we react under horrible situations? James 1:12 “Blessed [is] the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.” Are we tempted not just in the ways of the world, but tempted in anger? Of course we are. Every trial is a test of our faith, our character.

Look at Judy Hopps from Zootopia. Here’s a bunny in the big world where bunnies were good for only carrot farms and making other little bunnies. One bunny chose to overcome the world, push beyond, and achieve greatness in those trials. There will be times when you want to turn back and run home. There will be times when you feel the world is too much, but that’s when we need to lift our needs, our hearts higher to the Lord. Romans 5:3 “And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;” For all our trials, for all our misery on this world there is hope. Romans 8:18 “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” We are never alone even if we feel like we are. We may not always have someone sitting with us, we may not feel like our friends and family are there for us, but the truth is as nice as it is to have those things, having and knowing God is with us is more important.

We cannot serve two masters. We cannot serve the world and the Lord at the same time. We must not hold onto idles, we must reach for our God, and live according to the Lord above. No matter how bad this world may treat you the end goal is far greater. Any mountain worth climbing is worth the work to get to the summit. Any goal worth having is worth working for, so work for the goal of Heaven. Believe in your God with all thine heart, and have faith that pain is temporary. Do not be angry about your trials instead embrace them. Turn them to your advantage, and you shall be rewarded with Glory. Give your whole heart to the Lord. The top of the mountain you can see for miles. We are amongst the trees, so we only see a little, God sit upon the mountaintop and can see all. One day we too may understand the why. Have faith, have love, have compassion, have empathy, and love thy neighbors to include your enemies.

Life in the Fast Lane

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Life in the Fast Lane

As Americans we devote almost every minute of our day focusing on trivial pursuits. We are busy so much in our day we often wish for more time, just to do more. The problem with more time is we never use the time we are given wisely. We squander it in our own pursuits, but not in ways that would be pleasing to God. We may not be a bad person, but are we really doing Gods work? Proverbs 21:5 “5 The thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenteousness; but of every one that is hasty only to want.” When we rush through life and we react from one day to the next it’s easy to get swept up and carried away with the world. Do we take the time to have silent reflection? Do we take the time to talk to God through prayers? Do we hastily make decisions without putting thought to them? Do we make those decisions based on feelings or are those decisions based on what would be pleasing to God?

The world tells us all of the feel good things that we should try, or experience. The world expects us to always be full throttle, from dawn till dusk work, push yourself to the limit, sleep and get up and do it again. If we are running around so much where are the moments of clarity, where are the moments of peace, where is the time for prayer? Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 “3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. 9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? 10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. 11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. 12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life. 13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God. 14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.” I firmly believe that working hard is a Christian’s duty. I also believe however that working hard and enjoying the fruits of that labor is important. God wants us to enjoy our lives. We only get one of them. We need to make a difference with the time we have. There is a time for everything and we must be able to know the difference.

Americans it seems have a hard time taking the time to slow down. Do parents slow down and spend the quality time with their children? Do married couples take the time to truly love one another? Do we take the time to speak to our friends when they are in need? When we are so busy in our lives we forget the common decencies we have failed. Do we get so busy in our lives we can’t respond, take 10 seconds to send a text to let them know we are busy and that we will get back to them. We don’t return calls, we don’t send letters, we don’t do the smallest simplest things the let someone know we care.

Some people on the flip side of the coin do pay attention. Some people make the time to make sure their closest friends and loved ones are taken care of. Some people are so generous it’s unbelievable. Some people even as busy as there life is, they take the time to love and be generous, and live life, live a Godly life.

For me, from an early age I found it easy to take time for others. Sadly I failed in other areas. I’ve had more then enough life altering events. The day our life ends we forever loose the ability to make things right. What happens if the day it ends is also the same day it begins? If you were given a second chance to change the way you live your life, would you? How quickly do we forget what’s important in this one life we get? If we woke up one morning and found out someone we neglected wasn’t there anymore would you feel you did everything you could for that person, be there, talk to, signs of caring? Sadly in life we often miss out on the small opportunities we have to make a difference. It’s not just the big things that matter; it’s the same things also. Everyday we have the chance to reinvent ourselves, to be a better person then we were the day before, if only we realized and respected how short of a time we have, or how short of a time our loved ones have. Do not take the gifts we are given for granted. Do not underestimate the time we have. Be a joy in someone’s life. Love your life and love your friends and family. Don’t take them for granted.

Take your life out of the fast lane and slow down. See the beauty in the world around you. See the trees, the grass, the flowers, the animals, and the wonderful creation God has made for us. It only takes a few moments a day to make a difference. How will you make a difference today?

Slow down and listen.

Survivors Guilt

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Survivors Guilt

It’s been 12 years since the day it happened. 12 years ago the way I perceived time and life, the way I viewed my enemies, and the day I questioned my own self worth all changed. I don’t recall the time of day, or even the day of the week, but in Iraq none of that really matters unless you have a mission briefing, or a start time for the mission. The mission itself was simple, Early morning sunrise our mission started. Due to my injury I was a dismount during the mission. I was moved from my normal truck to dismount for someone else. We where looking for ways insurgents might be smuggling weapons into Ramadi. Our mission was to travel along the railroad tracks, and mark on GPS possible points small cars could fit through, and bypass our checkpoints. My knee killing me, and still slightly swollen I sat in back of the Humvee looking out the window. We where coming up to the railroad tracks, and the dirt cross over when a sinking gut feeling came over me. I’d never had a feeling like this before, but I felt I had to say something. I told my driver to look out for wires. He responded “Are you afraid of IED’S?” My feeling in my gut wouldn’t go away. The mission continued as normal. We went from point to point logging them, and noting them on the GPS. On our way back we stopped at a house to talk to the owner. Waiting outside and keeping watch I could hear the discussion going on at the front door. He had a single AK, but several magazines. According to law he could have 1 rifle, and 2 magazines. He argued they where for alibaba, or thiefs. Regardless, the man was forced to give up the rest of his mags. It was about that time I was looking over toward the railroad tracks. I didn’t know what I was looking at, at the time. I saw the plume of smoke first, and then the sound wave hit me. The biggest boom I’d ever heard, and the biggest bloom of smoke I’d ever seen. In the midst of the black smoke I could see a tan object 200 feet in the air. I refused to believe I saw what I thought I saw. Then our squad leader yelled IED. That’s when I realized what was had happened.

 

                                    NOTE THE FOLLOWING IS VERY GRAFIC

 We all raced back to the truck, and before the doors where shut we where hauling our butts back up to the tracks. We rounded the corner at what seemed like 60 mph. It came over the radio that Saber 4 was the truck hit. Coming up the hill we could see the truck. It looked to be in two pieces. (Out of respect of the families I’ll be keeping their names private.) I jumped out and went to the back of the truck to grab the Aid bag. Running as fast as I could with my knee still swollen, I came to the first person I could see. I recognized the mangled body instantly. A close friend of mine lay there lifeless, pale, and unresponsive. His wounds where extensive, he had massive lacerations on both legs, cuts on his neck and arms. He had a very low pulse, but before starting compressions I wanted to tie off his legs. If he where to survive I knew he’d loose his legs. I tied the tunicate as tight as I could, but it didn’t seem to matter how tight I pulled. The rope just wasn’t getting the job done. I did the best I could with it, and moved on to compressions. I check again for a pulse but this time I felt nothing. I started compressions. I pushed hard over and over. I counted each thrust, and then felt for a pulse again. I felt a low pulse, and waited for a medic. A medic I thought, our medic was in this truck! Where was he? Again feeling for a pulse and there wasn’t one. I needed to keep his heart going. I started compressions again, this time I wouldn’t stop. I pushed and pushed. I don’t know how long I pushed but eventually one of the other medics came up to me, and knelt down next to me. He reached for a pulse and said there wasn’t one. Based on how soft his chest was, and the lack of blood, Doc called him gone KIA, killed in action. I screamed at him that he wasn’t gone, but doc told me I had to let him go. I screamed no at him again, that I felt a pulse. He said something to me again, but I wasn’t listening, I was doing compressions again. Doc grabbed me from behind and pulled me off and held me in his arms. “He’s gone (My Name) .” He said softly in my ear. He held me while I struggled to get free. “(My Name) he’s gone.” He said again. I relaxed my muscles and he let me know. I leaned back to my friend. I closed his eyes, and covered his face with his fractured vest. I stood up in a fog. I looked around for our medic. Where was he? I was still unsure at what all was happening. I asked my squad leader. He was still missing. Looking around I saw a tan object about 40 meters away in the water. I asked if that was him, and was told it was too far. Leaving my rifle behind by my fallen friend I walked the road looking for my missing medic friend. He had to be in the water. He was driving. He was on that side, but wasn’t on the hill. I slid down the side of the hill, and left my vest aside. I slipped into the freezing cold water. Another buddy got in on the other side of the pond and swam to the same tan colored object I saw. I looked at his face when he got there. It told me everything I needed to know. He was gone, but I just didn’t know how bad, or the images that would haunt my dreams. He swam to me to get our friend out of the water. Lifting him out I saw how bad the injuries where. The explosion severed everything from belly button down. By this time several of the guys met us at the top of the hill to help lift our fallen medic out of the water. The side of the hill was mud, and while lifting my footing slipped, and I fell forward. I landed face first on doc’s stomach. Barely holding it together I pushed myself up and after they got Doc up and on the stretcher, a few of the guys went back to the water to look for more remains. I was helped out of water and up the hill. I grabbed my vest, my rifle, and still in a haze made my way back to my truck. I put my vest back on, and stood there looking around with a fog over my head. The captain who looked at my knee just days before was in critical, the only survivor. Our platoon Sergeant was also killed. We mounted up to escort our friend back to camp to get him off on a helicopter to Baghdad. In the 5 minute drive back radio traffic told us Doc didn’t make it. The first physician assistant to be killed during the war in Iraq. By the time we got back the Charlie med we were greeted with two of our great female medic friends. Getting down from the humvee they asked who. I didn’t realize how I said it till it came out of my mouth, but it was cold, and blunt. I couldn’t feel anything, I was still processing. All the medics much like the scouts where close friends. The girls cried, and us guys where angry. My truck commander crabbed me and swore we’d find um and kill um. I nodded in agreement. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to think.

Since then I have found myself replaying that day over in my head from time to time. The days where my anxiety is higher, or something happens to remind myself of worse times. I was then and occasionally now suffer from what’s known as survivor’s guilt. Along with the events of that dreadful day, I have an abundance of other trauma’s and my own run ins with Hell on Earth. I felt guilty for years that my gut was telling me something was wrong that day. Even though I did say something, it didn’t matter though the outcome was the same. 12 years later I still feel guilty and ashamed. I know in my heart there was nothing more I could have done to save anyone, or prevent the tragedy from happening, but my head lies to me. Now I have gone through my own physical traumas and I am faced with a new problem every day. I do hope and pray that one day I might find myself more at peace, not just from my time in Iraq, but times from before, and after.

It’s not easy loosing loved ones to cheating, or other means. The first thing is to evaluate reasonably the level of guilt that is owed to you. No one is innocent when a relationship ends, but to what level is the culpability of guilt. When we look at the Gospel we see a man Crucified that was innocent of any wrongdoing. He died to free us from eternal damnation. His death left us with hope. It is in that hope that I find comfort. No matter how hard my day, no matter how badly I feel I remember that I am a faithful child of the King. I will one day take up my place in the Kingdom and live in peace and harmony. I will not only see my loved ones who’ve died before me, but all my friends from Iraq, not just the 4 from that day, but everyone we lost. I will also see my friends who’ve died over the years. With as many people as I’ve lost close to me you’d think I was in my 60’s or 70’s. Sadly that’s not the case.

There are several lies the Devil tells to us and it’s our job to fight them.

Lie #1 You were supposed to die.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. If it were your time God would have taken you. If you’ve survived it was for a purpose, a greater meaning. We never know what our worth is, and what our part to play is. We may not always be directly responsible for something great, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t have a role to play.

LIE #2: YOU OWE A DEBT TO THE DEAD.

You don’t owe the dead anything. You owe it to yourself and those around you to honor the deads memory. You must continue to live so the memory of your friends or those you couldn’t save can live on in our hearts.

LIE #3: YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THE DEAD FROM DYING.

Unless you’re God, which you aren’t, you cannot control if someone lives or dies. Firefighters can’t save everyone. Police can’t save everyone. Paramedics can’t save everyone, and it’s not practical to think we have the power to alter the plan. We may not always know why God takes a little child, or the honor roll student and not the drug dealer, but again the big picture we can’t see. We must have faith in God.

LIE #4: YOU ARE LESS WORTHY THAN THE PEOPLE WHO DIED.

This is just utter nonsense. Feeling down about your own self worth, thinking they were a better man, or woman then you, thinking the world would have been a better place without you and have them instead is just nonsense. Even if we could see into the future, we are all special. We’ve all overcome great odds just to be born. The Lord doesn’t make mistakes. When the world is hard, and we feel low and discouraged, that’s when it’s most important to turn to the Lord and ask for help. Seek Godly counsel from close friends who live for the Lord.

LIE #5: YOU ARE DEFINED BY YOUR PAST.

This is the one I struggle with most. In my past I am worried that telling people of my past they judge me on it. That somehow everything I’ve gone through will one day come back to haunt me. My past is what has molded me to be the man I am. I wouldn’t be here Blogging, or helping others, getting involved with ministry, had it not been for the horrible things that happened. Why was I bullied as a child, why did I move around so much, why did I loose so many friends, why have I lost two loves in my life? The answer is never simple, but it was part of the plan. We must not be our own worst critics in defining our future by our past. Make every day a new day and believe in yourself. It’s hard for others to believe in us if we don’t show ourselves the same amount of respect. Don’t let your past define you future. Put your past behind you, and focus on the good you can pull from it. Focus on the stories the testimony you can offer to those struggling through similar times.

After loosing two loves from my life I often feel similar symptoms to a death in the family. Someday my princess will come into my life. Someday I will find a place to build my castle to call Camelot. Someday I’ll find my peace in this world. Someday the battle will be over and God wiling I will be able to make and have my own family. Patience if seems is my biggest fight. I have faith.

Don’t let go, don’t give up because you may have lived to leave behind a great legacy. Don’t stunt your own growth by living in the past. When you live in the past you miss your present, and destroy your future. We only get one shot at this life, and because of it, we need to have fun. Enjoy life, and God will provide for us the fruits of our labor, and replace the suffering with adulation and love.

 

Pushing Buttons

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Pushing Buttons

Do you ever push someone’s buttons just to see where it goes? Do you ever try to get under their skin because you can? Do you ever get them aroused because you can? What about someone you aren’t close to anymore. Do you try to hurt someone out of spite? When you love someone how does that love turn to contempt? What happens to someone to create so much anger or hatred or contempt?

Ephesians 4:22 “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;”

Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

Anger breeds from sin. Anger can also come from your own dislike or hatred for yourself. Being miserable in your own life can cause you to lash out at others. James 1:20 “Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”

 Proverbs 16:7 “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” No matter the buttons that are pressed or the anger that it may bring, conduct yourself with honor and a manner pleasing to God. Remember to love thy enemies, and take no vengeance for yourself. Romans 12:10 “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Loving your enemies is possibly the hardest things you will ever do. Luke 6:27 “But I say to you people who are listening to me, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you.” Matthew 5:44 “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

 No matter the pain inflicted, as much as we can love one another, forgive like Jesus asked to have us forgiven. As we did not deserve the forgiveness of our Father we received it just the same. Never give up on love, and never give up on those who hurt us. A lifetime is a long occasion, and through God all things are possible. People can change through Christ. Have faith, and pray. All our life will be accounted for and we must answer to the Lord for everything we do, every word spoken. Be right with God for we never know when the day of judgement will arrive.