Tag: Overcomer

Surviving 

thearrowpreacher4 Comments

Surviving 

How have I survived and kept my heart? I didn’t. I let hurt bury deep inside like a black sludge, and unchecked it spread like Venom the symbiont which took over spiderman causing him to be someone he wasn’t. I became that black spiderman, wanting to do good, but not. I was harsh, ill tempered, and while most of the time I could hide the suit under my clothes, sometimes the sludge won the day. 

A low song turned to a beautiful voice of what seemed like a hundred in sync voices singing to just me. I see faces, could this be the face of Jesus in each one? How many are there? So many in this late hour. Showing me the face of Jesus. He loves me this much, perhaps I never really knew, or at least I’d never seen it before. I began to see. The voices broke and stopped. Soon I’m left in the candlelight. The fight began, the sludge fought me. I wanted it gone, I tried to rip it off, and expel it, but it’s grip on me was strong. I knelt down at the cross and prayed like I’d never prayed before. “Lord Help ME! I need YOU!” I knelt there and cried. So many years. I hurt, and I felt the place in my heart that the black sludge was coming from. I felt abuse, I felt bullying, I felt heart break, I felt loss, I felt death, I felt war, I felt divorce, I felt more loss, and I felt lying, and more divorce, betrayal, and darkness that nearly took my life. And a spoonful of self-loathing to top it off. I could see it spewing from my broken heart like a rancher who struck oil. “Lord I need YOU! I need you Now.” “Lord please take this from me. Clean me Lord, please, I beg you.” The tears that fell that night were thick. I thought perhaps I’d never stop. Then a hand settled upon my shoulder. Power flew through the connection. I felt power rush into me. I looked up and saw my friend, my sponsor who brought me here. Could it be that easy? Yes and no. While the black sludge was removed, the broken heart still needed a bit of work. 

More events, like WWP’s Project Odyssey, A sailing clinic in Hawaii, a Soldier Ride in Cape Cod, all laid before me by God to start the healing process for different areas in my life. The brokenness within the heart while filled with scars, but were no longer spewing the black sticky, intrusive sludge. Different therapies I’d push myself into, and through, would help stitch up brokenness within me. One by one, and a lot of time. 

While I held onto the sweet boy the best I could, there was much hurt that he masked. His favorite superhero embodied that hurt. Batman who lost his parents, for the boy, that would almost have been easier. But Batman learned to harness that anger, and turned it into a force for good. The man in his life, Captain Jean-Luke Picard, once abducted by the Borg and forcefully changed to do their will, faced the anger and hardship to return to himself. Their intrusive attack left Him changed. But if a man could go through that, and still return to the Enterprise and show love and kindness, diplomacy, and embody the heart of a gentleman, I could do it too. Then, the real-life Hero, Dave Pelzer. He survived not having a name, torture, and the life he built and became a man with forgiveness in his heart. I would become a writer because of his works on “Child Called IT”. I met him once, and talked, the inspiration for my own book. I would be giving small inspirations in my life, and I would look to them, and see the goodness of people, and I wanted to be good too, and I wanted to fight evil. I dreamt of being a superhero. I dreamt that one day I would fight bullies, fight injustice, fight those who tried to do wrong. I would be hurt, but then there was Matt Murdock, Daredevil. He was blind, gifted with extraordinary talents, he would become blind justice. Why couldn’t I find a way to fight back against the evil? I didn’t know it back then, but I would get my chance. 

After the darkness nearly took me in 2016, I felt the lighting, the power of God surge through my body, giving me the strength to survive, to fight back against the darkness that tried to take me, but God saved me. Those experiences led me to write, as I write this day. The darkness did try to take me, but I would be brought back from the brink. I fell into the blackest of shadows, but God wasn’t done with me and He brought me back. I fight from my desk in my words I put out there for the world to see. I fight from my service in the Wounded Warrior Project as a peer mentor. I fight from my service to God and serve in the Lamplighter community. I fight from my service to those who are lost seeking direction, as I give the Lords words to those willing to hear my Podcast. I fight the darkness by sharing the Light that saved me. The Lord stayed with me, and never gave up on me. I was once infected by that black sludge, but no more. Once in a while it tries to grab on to my wrists and while sometimes it’s tight, the Lord always steps in and cuts off the source, freeing me from it’s dark grasp. I could have become a villain, but Jesus stepped in. I could feel that darkness rising within me, that sludge wanting me to give in, but the Light of the World said No. The light of the world gave me purpose, gave me value, because of His Love, I was given value in this world. The light saved me. That lonely boy who sat in the room as the darkness surrounded him, wanting to entomb him, the light dispelled that darkness. Through the years the Light kept the darkness at bay. Then one night, that light expelled the darkness once and for all. One night the light became an ember within Him, and that ember turned into a spark, and that spark turned into a flame, and that flame became a torch, for Him. The darkness would be defeated. 

Sure, there’s still pain and questions that go unanswered to this day, but that young boy grew up, the man was saved, and the ember that was fighting for survival from childhood was given fuel to ignite. No longer did the darkness live inside, but now, only attacks from the outside. Free was the Man. Freedom came from a night of candles and love, showing Him more of Jesus than he ever knew. The Light of the world. The light shines within me now. The battles comes, but I am equipped with the full armor of God. I am covered in His love. He is faithful. I may go into the fiery furnace but He protects me. I may be tossed to the lions, but His Holy Angels cover me from the attacks of the great deceiver. I went from a luke warm Christian to a soldier, prepared for battle. My fingers strengthened for the war, to wield the Sword of Truth. I am shod with His sandals of the Gospel of Peace. I am covered in prayers, and the Spirit is always with me. I am strengthened as to keep me strong, and to run and not grow weary. I am held up so I do not stumble. I know that there will be a day when I no longer have tears, but my Lord God, maker of Heaven and earth, sought me, and snatched me from the depths of hell. I was rescued by my Lord, and now I fight. I gladly face the army of Satan and with God’s strength behind me, I have nothing to fear while I try to reach souls for salvation. I can face down the army of demons and the Lord as my general I have been given a spirit of courage, not of fear. I continue to grow in strength, and my prayer is this, “My hope is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.” – Unknown. Lord, give me faith like Daniel. A heart like David, and Hope like Moses. Lord give me your strength to face the enemy with confidence that no matter what your will, will be done. I have been cleaned by your forgiving grace, and I pray your righteousness shines through me, that your justice and gospel emanate from all I do in my life. To you be the Glory, and may I be forgotten, but your words are not. Amen…

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Persevering with Perseverance 

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Persevering with perseverance 

In recent weeks, or months, I have felt that I have failed in life. With the changes in my health, which put me in the hospital for a couple weeks, the fundamental breakdowns within important relationships in my life, and the lackluster direction of my eldest half-sibling relationship. I have felt heart broken, betrayed, sad, lost, and angry, plus perhaps a few more emotions I haven’t discussed yet with myself. The flood of emotions that comes with open-heart surgery are many and extensive. I’ve been trying to face and manage all that’s happened but truthfully, while in some areas I’ve excelled, in others I’ve failed a bit. I’ve asked recently how so much has gone so wrong. I’ve asked God how much He thinks I can handle. I know many say “God will never give you more than you can handle”, but in reality, that’s not at all what the scripture says. That scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:13 says this “13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” Our way out is putting our trust and faith in Jesus. We find comfort in Jesus and he see’s us through the storm. It’s the truth, when i say I’ve been under constant attack by the enemy. Satan, has been putting in a great deal of hours making my life miserable these last several months. The truth is, God will allow us to go through all the world throws at us, because we are to rely on His strength, not our own. We are to turn to God and follow “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

— Matthew 11:28-30. We fight daily, and go from one battle to the next. Our faith tells us that we have been given a spirit of courage, and not of fear, and if we are to be soldiers, we must learn to hone that courage, and face our fears. We must face them till we have control over it. When I was in the military we go through extensive desensitization training, so when we actually get shot at, or blown up, our flight-fight response honed, and not easily triggered. We trained, and we trained, and we prepared knowing the fight was going to come. As Christians, we know that the fight is going to come, because the Lord told us as much, but we rarely prepare for anything. 

Preparing for the fight, and actively learning, and growing in the Lord is as important as breathing. If we are to live, and live well, we must learn to fight well, and be prepared for anything that may come our way. When we consider the nature of our enemy, we must consider the supernatural aspect of it. The Angels do not need to sleep, and because they don’t, Satan doesn’t. As a fallen angel, Satan and his demons never sleep. We mere mortals, have lives, our attention divided in many directions. Satans army of demons have but one goal, destroy our lives, and cause as much problems as they can. With an enemy like that, how can we afford not to prepare our hearts and minds for the inevitable attacks that come? When we fail to build ourselves up, we face the dangers of the war going on all around us evermore. Complacency kills not only our own spirit, but can and does destroy our families, and other relationships. 

FIGHTING BACK

It’s always important to know how to study, so here are some basic tips needed to know for preparing your minds for battle. 

First: Picking the right bible. It’s important to know that not all bibles are the same. Some are a more faithful word for word translation, while others attempt to portray the thought and meaning behind the scripture. I for one, have gone through a process when it comes to scripture. I started off with two primary translations, the ESV or English Standard Version, the NKJV, which is the New King James Version, and now, while I sometimes still use the other two, the NASB95 is my go-to translation. It is generally thought that the NASB95 is the closest word for word bible we have. This of course does not include the newly printed Legacy bible. When you chose your bible, just because it’s ‘easier’ to read, doesn’t mean is the better bible. Words matter, and I always recommend having a tool to allow you the ability to see the original wording as part of your bible study. 

Second: Study bible, and study tools. I would recommend a study bible so you can read a short commentary verse by verse about what a studied individual has to say about a verse. This also comes with a caveat. Not all study bible commentaries are considered reputable. I would recommend someone like John MacArthur, RC. Sproul, JC Ryle, and such for commentaries. One of my favorite study bibles is the ESV Reformation Study Bible by RC. It’s massive, with a ton of extra information. 

Third: A daily devotional. While this doesn’t ever replace study, I do believe it gives us bits of God’s message. I personally have several devotionals; my favorite is the Hobbit Devotional. Not all devotionals are written by those who are reputable either. Be careful who you listen to on social media, YouTube, and in writing. Not all those who claim the name of Christ are of Christ. 

Lastly: Personal Study. This does not mean you just read scripture, but that you study the verse. Find the deeper connections, dig for gold verse by verse. Look up the original language to ensure the English words are truly the meaning we find in scripture. Cross reference verses. Learn how the bible fits together. Dig deep and train your mind to see God’s word inside your heart. We must bury scripture deep into our hearts, so it begins to sprout with deep roots, and the tree of God is evident in the fruit we produce. How do we handle and manage situations? Can Christ be seen in our actions? We must study to allow the tree to grow inside us. To fight back against the schemes of the Devil. We must learn and grow so me can properly live Christlike before the world, but most importantly, before our families. 

Hardships come to all who live in this world. This is an incontrovertible fact, one we must come to expect, and not shy or hide away from. Knowing these hardships will come, why then do we not prepare for them? Do we not board up windows and fill sandbags when storms like hurricanes come? Do we not seek shelter when the tornado sirens blare in the night? Do we not batten down the hatch when the winds billow? Why then do we not prepare for the fight we know is coming? We as Christians are lazy. We have a pseudointellectual understanding of the bible, but it’s barely even a surface level understanding because we take verses out of context, or cant decipher a scripture verse, verses a movie quote. Let me give you an example. How many wise men were there at the manger with Jesus when he was born? If you said three you were wrong. First, it’s likely there were many, many more than three. Second, they were not there the night our savior was born. Instead when we read scripture, we see he was likely closer to two years old when they found him. We now this because when we read scripture, we see it’s both separated, and the time gap can be seen when Harod doesn’t murder just the babies, but the infants as old as two years old. Because we often see in culture these misconceptions, we in essence believe these things, and it hurts the name of Christ. 

Scripture tells us we will have trials, we will have tribulations, we will face hardships, and heartbreaks, and if we don’t know how to manage life’s difficulties, it will destroy us. It’s interesting that if you take a child and that child goes through hardships, that warm, loving child will often change. We lose something as we get older, but while scripture tells us we need to mature, we are also called to have the wonderment, the faith of a child. We let life get the better of us, so much so, we hold on to unforgiveness, we become hard, we become jaded. I look back at myself, and often wonder what went wrong? Where did things change for me? How did I go from an optimistic, fun loving, positive kid, to what I am today? It’s almost as if life stole something from me, and I never got it back. 

The truth is, no one gets out of this world without scars. Our scars can define us. If we chose to, the scars can be a negative reminder, keeping us in our pain, and suffering. Or, the scars can be seen as a battle in which we emerged victorious. I had open heart surgery recently, and I have many scars now. I have constant pain and struggle from things that have happened after surgery. How should I go about handling it? Should I face my every day with a poor attitude, be angry at the world? Or, should I look to these challenges, and be grateful for the miracles I experienced which kept me alive? While our minds are preset to look at life in a negative way, we have the power to change the programming, and face life with a different set of eyes. We may not be able to change or have control over the events that happen to us, but we do have the ability to change how we act and respond to these events. What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? Recently I was asking some question about my deceased father. I’ve gotten a mixed bag of feedback. The things I heard in some ways made me very sad. In some ways, I now wonder if I was better off not knowing all these years. Was I protected by God by being separated my whole life? I don’t know. What I do know is this, we will make mistakes, and we will do stupid things, but it’s our jobs as Christians to do our best to mitigate those mistakes. It’s our job to try and look like Christ in everything we do. Every interaction we have, both good and bad, how do we respond? The more scripture is buried into your heart, we respond better. We can chose to live our lives in despair, or we can persevere, push through the pain, and suffering, and see the light of God the Father in our lives. Focus on the positive things God is doing. Focus on how God is blessing you, and taking away only that which makes you stronger. Take away what you need in the traumas you face, and leave the rest behind. Don’t live in your review mirror, but look forward instead. Glance behind once in a while, but only to see what you’ve overcome, what God has brought you through. But, then, focus on today, right in front of you, then look out to the horizon as you look forward to tomorrow. Never quit, never surrender, and always seek God’s wisdom, and truth, and be grace, and mercy, forgiveness, but most importantly, don’t forget to be love. This is how you persevere in life. This is how you excel in the trials of this world. You seek first the kingdom of God, and in all you do, do for the glory of the Lord. 

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Fear

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Fear is not something I’ve experienced much of in my later life. Today, I am afraid. As my life is about to change forever, fear fills my heart. It isn’t that I don’t have faith, or not enough faith, as a friends message pointed out so eloquently recently, but I am mostly human. That’s a cyborg joke since I now have a mechanical upgrade keeping my heart pacing. I have faced death and been shot at, blown up, jumped out of airplanes, and have moved across the world many times. My life, has not been an easy road, but my life longs for peace, and I’ve not had it since heart surgery. It’s amazing how much heart surgery forces us to face our mortality. It’s amazing to think that just a couple months ago, I nearly died. Our hearts are so tender at a funeral. The emotions right at the surface, like a live wire to be plucked by life. In a way, while no one has died recently in my life, death is not just the living body. I have in other ways, experienced loss, and grief. My dearly beloved cat has passed. My body has experienced a grave trauma. I am about to move to a new home after eight years. I feel as if I am not going to find peace any time soon in my life. In fact, simultaneously peace and not peace. While life is beyond stressful, and my plate is full, life is not of peace, but my heart knows the Lord. The Lord grants peace, we know this from scripture. We aren’t robots, or at least I’m not all robot. 

Paul is offering the Lords peace be upon the readers of his letter. 

Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!

— 2 Thessalonians 3:16

John notes the words of Jesus. 

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

— John 14:27

Our peace is found in the Lord. We face the worlds struggles, and while we do these things as faithful Christians, we know many faithful struggled. 

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.”

— 1 Kings 19:4

Elijah suffered long, David suffered, Peter suffered, and many, many more. The Christ’s church cannot be stopped by the gates of Hell. More important than any others, Jesus suffered for us. 

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

— 1 Peter 5:10

What is life but a vapor? A short while we are here, and in this life, Jesus promised hard times, but also promised that in those times, we would not be tempted more than any other person, 

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

— 1 Corinthians 10:13

Jesus is our way, Jesus is the way. Jesus shows us the escape. When we are suffering, and when we are struggling, Jesus is our God, who saves us, who removes our ledge of crimson, and makes it white as snow. May we repent of our sins, and Jesus makes straight our path. No one said the path would be easy, but we must ask if we are doing as He commands us. I am but a mere human, struggling to walk the path. I read, I study, I listen, and yet lo, I struggle.

For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

— Psalm 13:1-3

Jesus comforts us and is near to the broken hearted. Am I broken hearted? Yes. Do I struggle? Yes. My brokenness runs deep right now. In my prayers I ask God to grant me His peace. I ask God grants me serenity to let go of what I need to let go of, fix what i can fix, and in all ways accept God’s path, that I will not lean upon my own understanding. My heart breaks apart this day, but one day, it shall be made new and I shall see God. 

Having fear is human. When the Word says I have not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of courage, we really have to continue to grow. Sanctification is a process. We have to spend time in the word to grow in the spirit of Christ. I have spent years dealing with this topic. When I was in Iraq I was forced to face fear. After you face evil directly, fear is something that starts to fade. When I began growing in the Lord, my fear of death disappeared. When I consider fear, I consider that most if not all fears generally when you travel down the road of that fear, it ends with a fear of one’s own mortality. Once you can eliminate your fear of dying, many other fears will disappear. That being said, there are some fears, such as the fear of failure, fear of change, that must also be concurred. As I am faced with some of these fears, I am not accustomed to feeling fear. When I was facing heart surgery, I did not have a fear of dying, but rather, more concerned about what the surgery would do to my loved ones. While I do not have the same fear that many people do, my loved ones have a great fear of dying, and a fear of losing me. It’s this fear, that I have been cognoscente of. How can I, the man of the house, lift up those who remain in their fear? When I am afraid of the upcoming change in my life, that I will fail, and fall into hard times? I don’t have an answer, except to continue to grow in your walk with Christ. We must face our fears, and we do that by reading the Word of God. We study, we grow, we allow the word to change who we are. We must be ready to defend our faith, and we cannot do that if we are not growing in Christ. For some, maybe you haven’t accepted Christ yet. First, acknowledge you are a sinner. We are dead in our sins, not worthy of Heaven. We must see ourselves as sinners, and know that Jesus is the savior for our sins. He handed himself over, and laid down his life to reconcile the repentant sinner to God the Father. We must surrender to Christ, and know He is both Savior, and Lord. We must accept Him as our sacrifice for sins, and therefore, we must trust in faith, and obey His commandments. There is no sin so great that God cannot forgive. We do however need to feel that sorrow over sin, and truly repent of our sins. Jesus is worth your heart. Let us continue to grow in Him. 

May God grant me peace, and understanding, and love. God shows me His way. I pray for mercies as I navigate these troubled waters. May I step out of the boat, and trust in Him.

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