Tag: loss

The Grass Ain’t Greener

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The Grass Ain’t Greener      

Recently as some of you who read my blogs have already figured out I suffered a horrible separation. Because of that this topic’s been weighing on my mind. Often when we look across the yard and things look pretty good. We look at other peoples lives, we look at what others have, we look to other people and we often think how good they have it, or how great it would be to own that, or even how good it would be to be with someone else. We usually call this the grass is greener phase. The thing about this phase is, it’s a lie. The Devil has been perpetrating this lie since the original day of sin. The day in the garden Satan convinced Eve that life would be better after eating from the tree of knowledge. He convinced her that living a life with open eyes would be better then that which God had created for them. The Devil made it sound like the grass was greener on the other side. The sad part was once Eve stepped over to the other side and realized how wrong she was the damage was done and it couldn’t be fixed. The fall from grace had happened and now the beautiful grass she once had died, and she could never have that life back again.

When we pursue the greener grass we are looking through a distorted keyhole lens that only shows us what we want to see, not what we need to see. How often do we hear the stories about people crossing over to the other side just to find out it’s not great at all, and they wish they could go back. The sad part is when you cross over and then in doing so you destroy not only your life but also others around you. Recently in my life I knew a couple that had been together for about 10 years or so. The father had gone through a horrible divorce because his first wife had an affair and destroyed the marriage. After a while of healing he met a new woman who’d become his second wife. They would have a great life, a great house, their children became a family, and at least from the spectator point of view their life looked pretty good. OF course there are things we never see from the outside, but I know I was a bit envious of everything they had. I found out rather suddenly that she had an affair, lied about it, continued the affair, and it quickly fell apart. She destroyed her own career, she broke the hearts of the kids, broke her husbands heart and as he suffered this kind of loss now for the second time his pain now unimaginable. I’ve not talked to her since then but the question is ‘was it worth it?’ Though I’ll never have the answer I have to imagine at some point the rose goggles will be removed and the beauty will turn to ash.

In my own life I have suffered something very similar. Two wives, two affairs, and as with the first time, the second time has left me broken and displaced. This time around my faith is guiding me. This time around I am stronger than I was before. This time I know I have more to offer. I heard a saying once a few years ago, “The grass is greener where you water it.” Marriage isn’t easy sometimes, and sin pulls at our hearts and all manner of earthly desires but when you get married it’s for life, it’s not for as long as it’s convenient. The idea of sin in the marriage such as divorce is repugnant to God. The old saying is you can look but don’t touch apparently is more of a guideline these days. Even looking can be a pitfall if it becomes envy or lust. There are so many people out there who have spouses who became cheaters, so many relationships fail because of infidelity. God’s heart breaks watching so many relationships crumble because of such things. Genesis 2: 21:22 “So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made[h] into a woman and brought her to the man.” Woman was made to be of one flesh. Woman was made so man wouldn’t be alone, and vise versa. When two people marry they become one flesh. They are devoted and when there is infidelity the heartbreak that’s caused can be deeper then some can handle. I wish we could have the eyes of God to see what God see’s within the hearts of those broken by infidelity, by lies, by deceits. I wish those who do such evil things knew how it feels to be on the receiving end. I wish I knew or understood the minds and hearts of those who do this to others. I wish that we could receive Gods love for humanity. I wish we loved as God loves.

Much like the man from my story earlier I feel the pain he feels, I have seen through his eyes, and I know the pain of the knife, the pain of betrayal, the sting of lies. Was the grass greener, I may never know, but I know my future looks bright. For every tragedy we face in our lives there is a potential for great redemption. In every tragedy God is working to use it for the betterment of our lives. No matter how much pain we face, no matter how much sorrow or anger that’s in our hearts letting go of that poison and finding a new pasture to raise your home is the first step. Forgiveness and letting go of that anger and hate, saying it a thousand times over, letting yourself weep and feel, ‘I forgive you.’ You must learn to believe in the goodness of people. You must learn that each person you encounter is not the last. Holding onto anger and holding onto hatred are chains for your very soul that leave you stuck in the place that, that wound first happened and you can’t break free till you face the pain head on. You must fight the urge to stay angry, you must fight the urge to hate. We are not the judge and we are not the jury. Deuteronomy 32:35 “To me belongeth vengeance, and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.” We are not to hold onto the cancer that holds us back.

When our worlds fall down because of someone else and it looks like our grass is dying, and we feel we’ll never be whole again remember that tears of healing may fall and will water your grass. Let them flow, let the healing begin and watch as God uses the miraculous to change your life. Every day you must learn to take care of your own yard, tend to your garden, tend to your flock and watch as the healing waters sprout new life into your life and sooner than you think your grass will be green and full of life. The glory of our lives and our calamities all belong to the grace of God. God sees the pain, feels the pain, and endures the pain. God was with Jesus on that Cross, and as we fight to bare our own cross Christ our Lord, one with the Father Abba is with us on our cross. The whips that strike us strike God. The words that cut our hearts cut the heart of God. Nothing we go through in this life affects only us. As I have grown a great deal I have found that the wounds I’ve endured over these last 8 months are not mine alone, and I wouldn’t be standing if it weren’t for God. I myself broke Gods heart 8 months ago, and I have to pray and ask for that forgiveness. I asked God to forgive me as I was dying in that ambulance and hearing the voice of God “You’re forgiven” I woke and new life was breathed into my chest. The only grass that’s greener in our lives we won’t find here. It’s only when we go home, when we finally reach our place in paradise will the grass ever be greener. Don’t loose sight of the promise made and remember God’s promise to us is not empty, it’s full of truth and life.

When the world tries to lure you away from your own piece of grass, when you are being tempted to cross over that fence, remember not only will your grass die where you were, there will be no blessing on the land where you are headed. Have faith that if you are on the fence and you are thinking of crossing over because you feel life would be better on the other side, think of Matthew 4:29-31 “He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Much like Peter we must trust in the Lord will not let us be consumed by the storm. When you are struggling in your relationship there’s always a better way. Fight for your relationship, fight with everything you’ve got and trust in the Lord to save you when times are darkest.

 

 

 

 

 

A Past Long Forgotten, The Dangers of Compartmentalization

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A Past Long Forgotten, The Dangers of Compartmentalization

I’m sure most people have had at least one trauma in their life that sticks with them, if not more than one. If you’re like me, the Devil just loves to stick around and try to make life a tad harder than it needs to be. One thing I’ve noticed is the minute changes that come about after every trauma takes place. When you’ve become so consumed with the trauma that you are forced to find anyway you can handle it, a common way for kids to handle, or at least myself was compartmentalization. When it comes to trauma big and small this is a safe way to handle it in the moment. However, if not revisited this method of handling can be very dangerous. Websters defines compartmentalized as “to separate into isolated compartments or categories” In many cases this is the event, and the emotion surrounding the event and are stored inside the brain as separate memory engrames. Once the memory is separated it’s difficult to reconnect the two, and it’s more so when the laps of time is greater. So what happens when you do this throughout a lifetime, say, 30 years? Lets think of memories as boxes, now think about each box as a memory, but the painful ones divide into two boxes and sit them on the shelf in the closet. Over time that closet is going to start to get full. When the closet reaches a certain point, all it takes is one massive event, and everything in that closet can come bursting down on top of you burying you in all the negative feelings you tried so hard to subdue or hide. So now you are lying on the floor, you have boxes everywhere, the emotions are like a zoo full of escaped wild animals, how do you plan on wrangling them up, and putting them back? The truth is, you don’t. The time at this point has past and now a new way of storing them is needed.

Often times when the emotions from traumas are released in such an uncontrolled manner the outcome is less than desirable. The effects can be quite frankly catastrophic. Often we see this as the beginning to self-destruction. An individual can go through several possible outcomes to include, self harm, harming others, drugs or substance abuse, addictions of other kinds such as work, gambling, adrenalin seekers, or other forms of risky behaviors. This is the common way for someone who’s accidently had Pandora’s box opened who didn’t have the right guidance to handle it. People don’t usually ask for the box to be pried open, sadly, it’s just one of life’s unfortunate circumstances. The key, once it’s opened is to know what to expect, and hopefully have someone around who can help guide you through the path of recovery. There are 4 basic paths to dealing with trauma. They can be found and studied here.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200111/recovering-trauma

The example that best correlates with compartmentalization is the Tsunamis. During the time you have lived on by not feeling, as it’s described in the Psychology Today article your nervous system is a circuit bored and in the event of a catastrophic traumatic event your system shuts down. There’s a dangerous time frame here between the event, and the waters receding. It’s in that short period of time that some will fall into the self-harm stage. It happens so fast that spectators rarely realize there’s a problem until it’s too late.

The truth is, as a Christian nation it needs to be better about standing with our brothers and sisters in times of great struggle. It’s sometimes hard to do especially when we don’t always know or understand the nature of what’s going on underneath the water. Some people, myself included often look like a duck on a pond. Floating around, no cares in the world, however if you look under the water, those little flipper feet are going a mile a minute. The iceburg is much larger underneath than what we see on the surface. Since we never know someone’s breaking point we must assume that during events that are hard to handle we look at them objectively and try to remain unbiased. A few life changing events that some would seem as bad things but not traumas are what we will look at for a moment. Loosing your job, loosing a spouse to either death or an unwanted divorce, loosing a loved one, car accidents, and sometimes slightly worse events. These things to some people may seem horrible, but to others, they can be the straw to break the camels back. As that may often be the case it’s better to error on the side of caution and overly loving in the hopes there are no residual feelings that could move this into a catastrophic event.

The dangers of being wrong: What if your friend or spouse goes through one of these events and notices you aren’t there for them, or you downplay how they are feeling. If we don’t show them that we care, and if we pass a negative judgment on their situation we may actually be contributing to the further decline of their mental stability. It’s important to always try and be supportive. We all handle situations and stress differently based on the culmination of our backgrounds and what we’ve learned in the past. If you are a young man and you get harassed every day by the police, eventually you will grow to fear them, hate them, avoid them, even though they are only there to help, the behavior is a learned trait. If you are bullied your whole life and you grow up and have self-esteem issues, self loathing, fear of rejection, or abandonment, those fears, those traits are learned traits. They come from a lifetime of experiences that tells us how the world is, even if it’s only our version of the truth. Getting back to the point, when bad things happen, we don’t honestly know how someone will react. That’s why it’s so important to follow Galatians 6:2 “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” We shouldn’t hesitate to help even with the small stuff. Show compassion and be there if someone needs you. Ephesians 4:32 “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” We’ve been given such grace and love and forgiveness by God we are asked to pass that along to our fellow brothers and sisters of humanity. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.”

If you’re struggling through tough times, if you have old trauma’s that are weighing you down, or if you just feel you need to talk, seek out Godly and or professional advice. Don’t try to get through this life on your own. There’s no shame in asking for help. Not asking for help is prideful, arrogant, and perhaps even a hair selfish. By not dealing with the issue when it’s small, it can grow inside you like a cancer, spreading throughout your thoughts and feelings, until one day it’s beyond repair. Seek help, trust in the Lord that you will be watched over no matter how light, or heavy the storm is.

When The Sun Sets, Resetting for Tomorrow

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When The Sun Sets, Resetting for Tomorrow

Have you ever sat and watched a sunset? How does the sun setting make you feel? I have always loved it because of the colors it creates on the clouds, watching it change almost every minute. The sight of the stars coming out, the moon shining, the vastness of the night sky reminds me of how vast God is, and how small we really are. When I say small I don’t mean insignificant. I have come to realize that every life is extremely valuable and significant. There is so much to be thankful for by the end of every day. Even when we’ve had a horrible day the blessings that continue to flow through our path is immeasurable.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying ‘never go to bed angry.’ That’s great advice. Usually when we go to bed angry we sleep horribly. There is merit to the thought process of not doing this. There are a few things to keep in mind. First, what is there to be gained by continuing the fight with whoever you’re arguing with? Second, is the argument something you’d argue with yourself? Lets start with the 2nd one. If you are with someone and you argue, and yell and scream you’re really only hurting yourself. The Devil wants to create a wedge in your happiness and when you cannot have a reasonable conversation anymore you’ve gotten to the point where you are not just hurting yourself, but your significant other, and God. When you marry you become one flesh. You must remember how important it is to be that united body under God. Now onto the 1st point, negotiation is a lost art it seems. Why do we not learn to negotiate and compromise earlier in a fight? Why do we not find a way to prevent the argument from occurring in the first place? People will always disagree that’s the nature of individuality and opinions, but that doesn’t mean arguments can’t be avoided. We need to remember that God brings us together to better ourselves.

What about when we are having a bad day, a string of bad luck, we feel like we can’t just catch a break? Life isn’t a video game, there’s not reset button, there’s no saving and picking it up later, but what we do have is sleep, rest, and a new day. What a crazy idea it would be if we could actually let go of our troubles, and start the next day with a fresh perspective, a fresh start, and actually allowing yourself to actually hit the reset button. Really, it’s not so far fetched. If we learn to pray and meditate every night before bed when we pray for peace, pray for wisdom, and pray for the answers to whatever situation you find yourself in. No matter the situation we can use a few simple tools on our tool belt. First, allow yourself to decide what mindset you’re in. Are you in wise mind, or emotion mind? We can often find ourselves in a predicament where we are stuck. We’ve lost the ability to rationalize and be more self aware of the feelings and emotions that are activated in our times of stress. Learning to radically accept, changing your mindset, negotiating, compromising, and in general learn how to be reasonable without passing harmful judgments, time and again making things worse.

The new day gives us a ability to attack a problem differently. The new day gives us a fresh start and when we trust in the Lord to take away or lighten our load nothing is too difficult for our God. 2 Corinthians 4:16 “For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward [man] is renewed day by day.” We pray to God every night for renewed spirit and we shall have it. Luke 1:77-80 “77 To give knowledge of salvation unto his people by the remission of their sins, 78 Through the tender mercy of our God; whereby the dayspring from on high hath visited us, 79 To give light to them that sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace.” We must understand that every day we pray and we as for the Spirit to bless us, its just a matter of letting yourself have faith that God is in control. You may wake up in the morning and find yourself continuing to deal with the same situation you were when you went to bed. If the problem still persists try to change your perspective. Try to find the lesson you are to learn. Try to solve the problem using scripture, finding the solution God would be most pleased with. Allow your soul to catch fire with Christ. Allow yourself to embrace your cross with zeal. With every sun rise is a new page, a new chapter and since we never know what our future holds, why not try to embrace the sunrise and see where the wind takes you.

No matter the situation, the hardships, the horrors you may be facing in your life, there’s always hope. Proverbs 24:14 “Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.” This sentiment is echoed again in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. “ We may have troubles, but if Christ suffered during the crucifixion a little suffering on our own is nothing. 1 Corinthians 15:19 “If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.” As Christians we know we will endure persecution and hardships. We know because we’re told we would time and time again throughout the New Testament. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18  “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” This is not an easy thing to do, and it will take time to learn. Because Christ lives we know that we can overcome the toils of the world and reach for the sky every day. We can face tomorrow with fresh tenacity because our God says Christ died so we could live. With each new sunrise we have a fresh start to reach others, minister the word, preach the Gospel, and make the world a better place. Proverbs 27:1 “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.” When we take each day by it’s appropriate action we find that we put to much stock in our own plans. We try to plan every detail of our lives and how rarely are we correct. James 4:14 “Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”

In closing let the night wash away the mistakes of the day. Let the sleep and rest you find renew your spirit for the Lord. As the sun rises the next morning and wipes away the stars, so shall it wipe away your tears and worries. Have faith in the dawn, and have faith that in and through God all things remain possible.

 

 

The Fallen

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The Fallen

Riding into battle with swords raised the cavalry charged. For freedom they fight, or so they say, the brothers beside is why they stay. No ribbons, no parade, no heroes welcome, just a quiet house. The ones who live survive with guilt, the battle rages and never sleeps. The truth in the horrors are no fiction to see.

The fallen we miss and tears we cry. The family’s loss will leave them empty inside. The truth is held, but few will hear. The fallen at peace, the end was there. The memories are trapped for those who remain he love and loss for those who were slain.

We grill the food, and drink the beer, the music and friends to gather around. Let’s not forget the ones who are gone. John 15:13 “13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” We remember the fallen and the families left behind. The ones who hold the nightmares of the lost remember them as well. Pray for them and never forget.

War is hell and never leaves those who experience it. ‘Only the dead have seen the end of war’ Plato. Pray for peace, and pray for comfort. Pray for the remembrance of and pray for resolute to support. What does it mean to give up ones life for his friends? Mark 10:45 “45 For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.” We were held captive by our sins. We were forever hopeless until the sacrifice of Christ for all of us. The price of eternal salvation was a steep one. Romans 5:6-8 “6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. 8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

 If we have no hope in our lives what do we fight for? The question begs for the answers. Where does our compass point if there is not moral judgments that are cement. When anything is based on societies rules, which change through the generations, what do we fight for? If there is nothing to hope for then why give up anything for anyone else? Christ gave us hope. The promise of God to eternal salvation was paid for in full. Hope was then restored to all of us. Matthew 16:24-26 “24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. 26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?” Today we celebrate the fallen and remember that they fought and died for what the believed in. The freedoms of this country have been paid for at a high price. Don’t let those lives have died in vein.

Surrender ones self to the Lord and you shall live. When we surrender to something higher then ourselves we let go of our selfish wants, we may live and actually live, and for the ones who’ve died we live. We live with the horrors and nightmares from war. We remember what it takes to keep and maintain peace. Let us never forget.

The Search For a Unicorn

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The Search For a Unicorn 

Have you ever considered what you may be looking for or hoping for just isn’t out there? Waiting it seems is a constant throughout the world, one that we all despise but all must learn to live with. Some of us do this with more flair then others, some of us do this poorly. What is it about waiting we don’t like. Speaking from experience I don’t like to wait for long. I think I have a bit longer then some, but far shorter fuse then others. I’m not as short as to say I am a part of the instant gratification group, but I don’t think I’m that far off either. I’ve heard a great many people tell me I need to be patient, I need to just give it time, I need to stop looking because when you stop that’s when what you will show up, when you least expect it too.

 

It’s been 8 months of healing, of recovery, of self-reflection, life reflection, and rebuilding. 8 months may not seem like a lot to some people, but to me it’s been an eternity. My particular situation has been of isolation (not entirely by choice) and loneliness. I have found that the quiet of the house isn’t as bad as it used to be. Early in the process I felt as if I would never again be happy, that I would never again see the light at the end of the tunnel, but as time moved on, and I continued to breathe, wake up in the morning, and go about my day to day responsibilities the loneliness became a bit more tolerable. Fast forward 8 months, and that forward momentum and progress seems to be slowing down. Now 8 months later as I’ve continued to improve myself, spending more time in my Bible, making new friends (albeit internet friends) I find myself struggling to find tangible friendships, or even, the ever elusive date.

 

Dating it seems has become something of a skilled endeavor. I was listening to K-Love the other day and they said that the number 1 way to meet new members of the opposite sex for dating was still the old fashioned way, through mutual friends. The number 2 way was now online dating. The online dating world isn’t news to me. As I found early on in my 8 month journey my friends in this instance weren’t likely to provide any fruit. So I turned to the online dating apps and as I am now moving into my 8 month mark, I can safely say I have very little to show for it. The results of 8 months’ worth of exploration has been a few online friends, but nothing that has led to dating. I have estimated sending out over a thousand messages of greetings over several dating platforms, and sadly have come up with the big bubkus. Why has it been so difficult to find even a single date? As I have continued to reflect on this I haven’t been able to come up with very many reasons, and most of the reasons aren’t looking too favorable for myself as far as self-esteem is concerned. Is it me? Is it my looks, or my approach? For the vast majority of my life, my looks have been something of a rough topic for me. All my years I was told I wasn’t handsome enough, and many have gone further to say I’m just plan ugly. While I don’t strictly think this is true, I have come to the mindset that I am not all that attractive in the grand scheme of things. This however doesn’t prevent me from trying. I have not reclused myself and given up hope. The next possibility is that God doesn’t want me to right now. As this line of thought brings up a dozen questions, the basic answer is, it doesn’t matter. God’s design is far beyond our understanding and thus the rest is just a formality.

 

I have put lots of thought into the last part of that and have questioned why God wouldn’t want me to date. Could it be that there hasn’t been 100% resolution between me and my ex? Could it be because where I’m living isn’t where I’m meant to be? Could it be that I am somehow not ready for something, someone else to come along? It seems my search for a companion, or even just a friend to go out and spend time with has become a hunt for the elusive unicorn. As I have now been the victim of, or rather the survivor of 2 horrible affairs leading to being treated horribly in divorce, I now question if the person out there for me is there, or some mysterious unicorn that I may spend a lifetime looking for.

 

There are several verses I consider when I think about the amount of time I’ve had to wait and it seems still have to wait. 2 Samuel 5:4 “David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned forty years.” David was promised the throne early in life. He waited nearly 20 years before God gave to him what was promised. Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” We struggle with this concept, especially in America because of everything we have to receive instant gratification. Romans 8:25 “But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” No matter how long we wait, we must understand there is purpose to it. There is purpose to our waiting, to our suffering, to or tribulations, but in that we can always have faith that God will never forsake us, and God always hears our prayers and knows our suffering. Philippians 4:6 ”Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” We may think but God already knows what we want, knows our hearts, knows our desires, knows our suffering, and while that is true, the concept here is prayer. We must always pray, always keep that line of communication open with God. You may not always feel as if God is listening, but He is. We may not always hear our path, but no matter what we think or feel, God is right there next to us.

 

It’s a hard concept for sure, and one I myself have daily struggles with. When life is going well and it seems we have everything we want it’s easy to move along and forget about anything about our joy. It’s in our struggles we wish for more, we wish for the time of suffering to be as little as possible. Sure, no one likes to be miserable or hurting especially when it’s matters of the heart. The only thing we can do is keep trying, keep moving forward, and never allow the Devil to influence us to take the easy way out. Instant gratification is not the prescription for long term relief. In fact, that instant gratification will likely be the cause of more hardships later on in life. Keep moving forward, keep praying to God, and if you’re like me, if you’re lonely and you feel as if your loneliness will never go away, have faith, and someday your prince, or princess will come. Your unicorn may seem like a myth right now, but keep your ear to the ground, and your faith strong with Christ, and some day, your fairytale will come true.

The Empty Cup

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The Empty Cup

The world is full of people. Wasn’t sure if you knew that yet, so now that the obvious is out of the way let’s continue. Generally the world is made up of people who are optimistic, pessimistic, or somewhere in between. So for the sake of today’s entry, the people in between likely won’t be touched on much.

Optimistic: hopeful and confident about the future.

Pessimistic: tending to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen.

Realist: a person who accepts a situation as it is and is prepared to deal with it accordingly.

Idealist: a person who is guided more by ideals than by practical considerations.

So, now we have that out of the way, where are you? I myself would fall more into the optimistic realist. I’m usually the one planning for a disaster just in case (living in NC you have hurricanes) and because of that I did well for the little time I worked on emergency management policies. I’ve always wanted to try and give people the benefit of the doubt, even to the extent of giving people more chances then they probably deserve and forgiving the horrible things people do quickly and putting it behind me. Sadly I often find myself in a conundrum of allowing someone to overstay their welcome in my life. Generally I get hurt more often by continuing that policy.

If you were the cup where do you stand? If you’ve answered that question let me ask another. In regards to the same cup using it as a source of measurement, where do you place yourself in regards to how much you can take before you bite someone’s head off? I heard it explained this way (if you’re a veteran and you’ve gone through some life events you might be more susceptible to having your cup be half full all the time verses someone else who has had less to deal with in life.)

It is my opinion we should all try to be the empty cup. Allow the Holy Spirit to fill your cup. Being hopeful for a Gods grace gives us the ability to be an optimist. Being a realist gives us the standing of bracing for trouble because you know it’s coming. No matter what happens in your life scripture tells us to rejoice in our suffering. Do not be troubled by worries of tomorrow. Have faith in Gods plan for you. Be slow to anger and slow to speak, swift to listen. When you truly read and study scripture it seems God wants us to be the optimistic realist. We must understand the nature of our trials. We must understand the reason we go through hardships and loss. We must understand the virtue of failure, and the glory that awaits us in success.

Without failure how do you ever grow and learn? Without loss how do you ever appreciate what you have? Our experience both good and bad shape who we are. If you take a set of twins, identical, and put them in several situations, then separate them and place them in the exact same situations, they will react differently. Each perspective over time teaches us different ways to handle situations. The problem we often face is when handling our problems are we doing it in a way that would be pleasing no to God? For most the answer is probably a resounding no. It’s amazing how different we would handle life if we were to just take a moment, pray about it, ask God for guidance, and question if our actions would be pleasing to God. A simple question and most people, myself included, fail to do this more often than not.

What a simple solution to a lot of problems, prayer and counsel. If we learned how to do that, our fuses would be longer, we wouldn’t start with so much in our cup, and the world would be an overall better place. I know many of my past burdens stay with me. As I’ve tried to let go, that burden takes up space in my cup. I don’t start with more room then a lot of people. It’s not something that would happen over night. The path to a solid faith takes time. If we put even a half of the time towards God that we do with other worldly objectives, we as a people would be much better off. Sadly there are idols that stand in our way. Things that have our attention, our lust, often they take our priority.

We don’t want to be angry all the time. We don’t want to be negative all the time. Those mind sets often put people off and you create a natural barrier. We need to remember the teachings in Christ, and follow that example. We must find the good in every situation, find the reasonable course of action and we must pray, and be calm. Don’t let your cup start with water in it. Don’t let your cup always be half empty. Learn to focus your energies and when people start to see the positivity, the slow to wrath within you, only then will people begin to ask “What keeps you so calm?” That’s when you can always reply… “Jesus”

The Lost Toy

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The Lost Toy

The toy was new and shiny. The girl who first got this toy love it, treasured it, played with it and kept it for many years. The toy felt loved and needed. The toy noticed over the years it was played with a little less as time continued on. The toy would sit on the shelf longer, until eventually the toy couldn’t remember the last time it had even been touched. The toy felt sad wondering what happened. Why didn’t she come around anymore, why didn’t she play with me anymore. The toy felt horrible just sitting on the shelf gathering dust. The amount of time the toy spent alone went on with no attention was incalculable.

Lonely and alone the toy began to feel nothing. The emptiness the toy felt drifted from emptiness to darkness, and eventually nothing at all. Years would go by and the toy motionless now covered with years of dust the memory of being loved was now almost a dream. Had it actually happened, had the toy actually been played with ever, or was it all just an illusion? The toy wrestled with itself for a long time about its purpose, it’s self worth. The questions would plague the poor forgotten little toy for another few years.

One day the toy found itself in a box, the box was in a car. Where am I going the toy asked? What’s going on the toy said afraid of knowing the truth. The box was taken from the car and placed in the intake room of the local thrift store. There the box lay and the toy waited in the darkness. The toy didn’t wait too long before the light shined through and soon the toy was picked up by a nice older lady. She cleaned the toy up, got the years of dust off and the toy was placed on a shelf right out in front.

It wasn’t more then a day or so before the toy was found by a nice little girl. She picked it up and hugged it close. She begged her mom for it and finally her mom acquiesced. The little girl quickly fell in love with the toy. The toy felt new, revived, and full of joy. Finally the toy thought a fresh life, a new life. It was great to be loved again. The toy no longer felt worthless, the toy no longer felt alone and abandoned. Why didn’t the first little girl want me anymore the toy thought. What happens when this girl doesn’t want me anymore? Will I be abandoned by this girl too? Quickly the toy felt sad. The girl played with the toy every day, yet the toy wasn’t ever satisfied with its new life. Sad and guarded the toy remained.

The girl still loved the toy very much even after several more years. The toy never felt as happy as it once did. Once hurt, once betrayed, once left for dead and forgotten the toy never fully recovered. It enjoyed the time with the little girl. The toy was carried through elementary, kept up and cleaned, adored through the time in high school, and even brought onto college. The toy held on waiting still for day the girl would leave it. The day however never came. The girl loved the toy so much that one day the toy was passed on to the girl’s daughter. The toys care was continued through the daughter. A long happy life the toy should have had.

When we don’t let go of our past what is to be done with you? Proverbs 17:22 “A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” We must learn to let go of our pain, never to hold onto the anger and fear it leaves behind. The pain will never leave completely, but the scars on our hearts can be used as a reminder not of the pain, but that of survival. No matter the good and bad we face we must understand that our story isn’t done being written. We mustn’t pretend to know and understand the workings of God behind the curtain. Romans 12:12 “Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;” We must always rejoice in the grief and the bliss we feel because in all times the God of all watches over us and all we care about. John 16:22 “And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.” Even though the now might feel forever, the now might feel crushing, we must always remember God will never leave us nor forsake us. If someone decides to leave you, or abandon you, do not put your faith in other people. Put your faith in Christ only. Your self worth must never rely on others. Your happiness should be with God and God only. It is in God that today’s suffering can be removed, and more importantly the suffering of this life when it’s time will pass away. The love of Christ and his perfect Passover sacrifice ensured for us to be able to live a Holy Happy life in eternity. No one can take that from you. Not a parent, not a wife, or husband, not your children, no one but Satan can take away your joy, and Satan can only take away what you allow to be taken. Do not allow Satan to tempt you or pull you away from love. Trust in your Lord the giver of all, and trust that when one love falls away, open your heart to love again. Nothing happens without purpose or reason. I’m sure at some point we’ve all felt alone and lost, forgotten, abandoned by those whom we’ve loved the most. Don’t let your heart be hardened by the decision of another. Don’t let yourself be drawn into the lies of Satan that no one will ever love you as much, want you as much, or give you as much pleasure in your life. Do not find meaning in the hands of others. Satan wants you to doubt yourself, He wants you to question your worth. Once those thoughts take hold there’s no telling how much damage the Devil can do. You are special because God says you are. Praise God because if someone doesn’t want you, know God does, and it’s that person’s loss. For each Yin there is a Yang. For each Bonny there is a Clide. For each Romeo there is a Juliet. When Satan starts to gain ground fall back on one of the greatest fictional characters of all time. Captain Picard. “We’ve made too many compromises already to many retreats. They invade our space and we fall back, they assimilate entire worlds and we fall back. Not again, the line must be drawn here, this far, no farther.” Give the Devil an inch, he’ll take a mile. Don’t fall for the tempters tricks and deceptions. Have faith that God may allow someone to walk away from your life, but in God’s time His will, will be done. We must love ourselves and when we show God what we can handle,  only then when we show God we are worthy of such gifts, when it’s the right time, God will grant us our desires, when and if it’s for our good. Don’t let heartache hold you back from living. Don’t let anything hold you back from living and loving for God!

A Multitude of Sins

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A Multitude of Sins

Here I sit alone in almost complete silence. The teal glow on the wall from the lava lamp, and the glow from the computer screen are the only lights on in the house. There’s no music on, no television, just a fan in the dining room I can hear. The sounds of the keys being clicked own is loud in the silence of the house. Occasionally I can hear one of the dogs yawning, or licking their paw, but it’s quiet.

What do we do when we are alone in the dark, no sounds, just the sound of our own thoughts? Where does your mind take you? Mine takes me to a place darker then that of my home right now, a multitude of sins and mistakes. How did I get here my mind asks. How has my life turned out this way, and where the heck do I go form here? The truth is I don’t know. People ask me every day what’s the plan, where are you going to go, what are you going to do? You see, people that know me best know me as the planner. In an earlier post I talked about your emergency preparedness kit and some of what’s in my hiking bag. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. I haven’t had a plan since September 18th 2016. That day all of my sins came to the surface, they came with a reckoning, a force strong enough to knock me off my balance and shake the very foundation in which I built my life. Up till that point in my life I had found myself to be relatively successful. I was happily married, doing well at work, doing great in school, working towards a baby, everything I wanted in life. I had the greatest in-laws anyone could ever hope for, a great sister in law, but fate it seems follows it’s own course, not what we want. In just a matter of a short bit of time everything I loved, the life I spent years building would crumble around me and I would loose everything. The foundation cracked and a cavern opened up under me and swallowed me whole. At the time I felt as if I’d never get out. At the time I felt that my pain, my suffering was the end of me and sadly, wrongly, I felt as if I deserved it. I felt as if my sins were coming back and I had to pay for them. I felt as if I deserved to suffer, to undergo pain and suffering.

A life of trauma built up and tucked away in a nice tidy little closet, away from the world so no one would see. The pain inside buried so deep that the mask I wore every day was good enough to fool even those closest to me. So many times I felt the sorrow the shame bubbling up from the deepest pits within myself, and as skillfully as a superhero beats down a lowly thug, I put that stop in the rising pain, and forced it to return back to the darkest places of my very soul. Compartmentalization is such a wonderful tool when dealing with pain. It can be very helpful as a short term coping mechanism but when used for trauma, the idea is to revisit the trauma soon after the crisis is over, and face the memory head on to come to grips with it. The trouble with that is when the day never comes to revisit, it’s locked away, never forgotten, but never addressed either.

What do we do when the foundation we built our very existence crumbles and falls apart? When our foundation is not as solid as we thought it was, and our deepest fears come true? When everything we’ve ever wanted is taken away, when our deepest fear is realized, and every trauma we’ve ever buried breaks out of prison with an angry vengeance the perfect storm is realized and bad terrible things happen to our minds.

When the hurricane hit me I wasn’t able to maintain my footing. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to handle, the one and only thing I knew was the word STOP. I knew it had to stop. I felt I deserved what happened to me. I felt I had a right to the pain because I had sinned. I had never lived up to be what I should have, and I earned my place. The memory slipped away after actions were taken. What happened to me? What was going to happen to me? So quickly control was fleeting, a wild chaos was quickly snapped back to a hazy reality but not without consequence. No one ever warned us this might happen. No one ever taught us the repercussions of a lifetime of running. You can’t run forever, sooner or later the past will catch up to you and when it does, it wants its payment with interest.

It would take months to realize the new reality, which was my life. It would take only days to realize how bad of a decision that had been made without conscious control. We all have to answer for our sins, and we all have to pay for them. The hard part about dealing with what we’ve done is forgiving ourselves. For me it’s always been easier to forgive others for the bad things they’ve done, but to forgive myself, you’d have better luck pulling a tooth from a T-Rex. I can never take back what happened that day, but to understand more then just the surface problem, to see beyond the facts of that day, it takes a deeper look into the human soul.

As we walk in our lives we see those around us who get caught in addiction, self-harm, physical disorders such as eating disorders, but do we ever try to address the problem? The problem on the surface is the immediate issue, but the problem I’m talking about is that below, the root of the problem. When people suffer for a long time even when we cannot see it, it can often manifest itself in ways to run and hide from the source. Eventually running is all we know. Eventually that life becomes a new reality a safe comfortable reality in our own minds. Even if from the outside it looks destructive and harmful, no doubt it is destructive and harmful, but life itself is often through the eyes of the beholder.

Survivors of alcoholism, or self-harm, suicide attempts, addictions to sleeping bills or other drugs, they know the route, but it’s everyone around that becomes the new problem. How many spectators become judgmental of the victim? Let’s use suicide as an example. If someone tries to end their life, what is the normal reaction from those around? Some are in shock and disbelief, others flock to the person showering with love and sympathy, but there are others who feel anger and distain. Suicide is often looked to as the coward’s way out, the easy way out. The anger comes from the idea that it hurts the ones who are left behind. So suicide is often known as selfish. The problem with today’s society is a lack of education on various mental health problems. There are a lot of assumptions and negative connotations that exist that doesn’t make them true. As a society we need to learn to answer pain with Love, answer hurt with Love. We’ve become so quick to push people away who cause pain, but never ask if the pain was intentional. Let me tell you, if someone’s facing addiction, or suicide, you are the last person on his or her minds. Some may leave a note behind, but the idea is never to inflict harm on others, albeit the end result is pain and suffering. Ironic that the idea to end ones own pain and suffering it will inflict that upon others, and yet that thought never crosses the victims mind. Colossians 3:12 “12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” We know that when there is pain doctors are compassionate towards the victims, EMS have a bedside manner of caring and love, but when someone in our family or friends harms themselves anger, and venomous reactions take the stage. Isaiah 49:13 “13 Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” God knows when to be compassionate and when to be hard on his children. Psalm 51:1 “1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.” Is it so hard to forgive others? Is it so hard to realize we all make mistakes and we all harm one another at some point in our lives? Forgiveness isn’t something that is supposed to take time, (realizing this is the reality) it’s something that is supposed to come from the heart. Luke 23:34 “34 Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.”

We must learn to dig deeper to see the why and not just assume. We must learn to Love first and have compassion to those in pain. We must learn to forgive and understand the sinful nature of mankind. These things are not easy, but are necessary. No matter what the world says about some stigmas the facts remain in scripture. Education is the key to being a compassionate person, understanding the driving forces behind a particular mindset can not only give you incite, but help when you come face to face with it yourself. We all know someone who’s tried to commit suicide, became addicted to something, had some sort of mental health crisis, but do we really ever know the why, or the how? How did we treat them when the initial crisis had passed? Our jobs as a Church body is to love, have compassion, not to tare down someone after they already hit rock bottom. Love not hate, it really isn’t that hard with practice.

If you are the surviver of such an addiction, or suicide attempt, know that tomorrow the day can be brighter. As the Book of Job teaches us no matter how bad a situation may look at the time, tomorrow, God can bless us and change our future in an instant. We must maintain love and faith in God, in both or blessings, and our hardships.

 

 

 

To Find Where I Belong!

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To find where I belong!

Wandering aimlessly through the voidless desert of the hustle and bustle but to you it’s full of emptiness. Where do I belong, something’s wrong with the world, or is something wrong with me? God doesn’t make mistakes so this has to be right. Me being here is by a greater design that I don’t have clearance to see the whole plan. Fear engulfed emotions run wild. Dreaming of a place where I would find a warm welcome, a place to call home. Where can I plant my flag and finally find peace and rest in life. The constant barrage of cannon fire from the Deceiver has left me cowering for cover for too long.

A day will come when I’ll be on my way. I’ll be strong and this suffering will be a faded memory, and a scar to remind me of what I’m capable of. With God I can overcome anything. The first step is looking deep inside yourself. Start any new journey with the self-check. Be the man, the woman Jesus wants you to be.

Sometimes where you are or where you thought you were supposed to be was only temporary. The way the world can change in less then a heartbeat is powerful and scary at the same time. What does it mean to have faith? To trust in something beyond our control. To trust in the plan even when we can’t see it. To step out of your comfort zone and onto the stormy waters no mater the lies being whispered to you. The voice of God, Jesus will never leave you alone in the dark. For the Glory, the journey begins.

The walking sticks to help your trek made easier, the pack you carry to prepare for life’s challenges is no different the filling that canteen with the Holy Spirit. We may not be where we belong but that doesn’t mean we aren’t headed there. As long as you keep fighting and never give up, the lessons learned along the way will be forever useful. On the dangerous journey of life pass on the struggles, pass on the hardships, be a leader and a roll model for others struggling on their road. Be a guiding light, let people see Christ in you. There may be pain but there is grace also. The darkest sky can be darker. The waters could be higher. The tests could be harder. When we quiet ourselves and take a moment to educate ourselves on what’s going on in our world we can see worse everyday. We can always look out our cloudy window and see the more disenfranchised, the homeless, the countries with less then the least have here. Those who suffer from illness and poverty and those who have tragedy and more importantly those who parish not knowing the Lord.

This may not be where I belong but I know that God is in control. I know that God is on my side. I may not belong but my battle isn’t over. I will find my way if I am calm and listen. I will not be alone and I will find a love that will love God and me. I have faith in the Lord that I will not be forsaken. I will not be forgotten in the billions on this planet.

There is none like you oh Lord. You’ve created all, you’ve saved us all. We are so imperfect and yet so loved. We turn our backs, we don’t believe, we curse you, and still we have your grace. You oh God believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You see my importance, my worth even when others don’t. My God to you goes all the glory. I stumbled along the way but you kissed my boo boos and made it okay. You brushed me off and helped me up. Even without an earthly Father I had you, the greatest of all the Fathers anyone can hope for.

I am weak, I am a sinner and even when punished for my sins for my wrong doing I am forgiven and Loved endlessly. God’s on the move in every way, in every life even if they don’t see it. Be not afraid of what we don’t know because Gods not dead and we will live. The perfect lamb sacrificed for all of us so we may live without fear, and live to the glory of the one true King. We are free and we have a choice how to use that freedom. I have been wounded, hated, beaten and betrayed but I know the love that matters.

No I may not be home, I may be moving forward to a future unseen, a blind destiny, but I will take the leap of faith and I know God will catch me.

Hallelujah my God saves me

Hallelujah my God looks after me

Hallelujah my God never forsakes me

Hallelujah my God loves me

Hallelujah my God protects me

Hallelujah my God forgives me

Hallelujah my God died for me so I may live!

Pushing Buttons

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Pushing Buttons

Do you ever push someone’s buttons just to see where it goes? Do you ever try to get under their skin because you can? Do you ever get them aroused because you can? What about someone you aren’t close to anymore. Do you try to hurt someone out of spite? When you love someone how does that love turn to contempt? What happens to someone to create so much anger or hatred or contempt?

Ephesians 4:22 “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;”

Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

Anger breeds from sin. Anger can also come from your own dislike or hatred for yourself. Being miserable in your own life can cause you to lash out at others. James 1:20 “Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”

 Proverbs 16:7 “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” No matter the buttons that are pressed or the anger that it may bring, conduct yourself with honor and a manner pleasing to God. Remember to love thy enemies, and take no vengeance for yourself. Romans 12:10 “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Loving your enemies is possibly the hardest things you will ever do. Luke 6:27 “But I say to you people who are listening to me, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you.” Matthew 5:44 “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

 No matter the pain inflicted, as much as we can love one another, forgive like Jesus asked to have us forgiven. As we did not deserve the forgiveness of our Father we received it just the same. Never give up on love, and never give up on those who hurt us. A lifetime is a long occasion, and through God all things are possible. People can change through Christ. Have faith, and pray. All our life will be accounted for and we must answer to the Lord for everything we do, every word spoken. Be right with God for we never know when the day of judgement will arrive.