Tag: life

Good Thing God Loves Me

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Good thing God loves me.

I’ve spent quite a while praying about this, and I keep coming back to the same thought process. It’s something I’ve spent time praying over and I have come to realize, I’m blessed to have Gods grace and love. Scripture tells us we are dead in our sin. That means we are in a coffin and not drowning out at sea looking for a safety ring to be thrown to us. We don’t often like to think of ourselves as dead but in reality we are serving a life sentence. In the end comes our judgment, our sentence. Do we die, or live. See, justice was dealt and Jesus took the punishment for those who would seek him. For everyone else, well, the future doesn’t look so bright for them. The thing that I have struggled with is the works because of faith. Scripture tells us that we will be recognized as those who follow Christ by the fruit of our works. Not that we are saved in works, but the new creation in Christ we are compelled to do works in the name of Jesus. The thing that gets me is how fickle we humans are. Let me give you a scenario and I’ll let you decide. I will preface this by saying this is only one side of the story.

Here’s a young man, who meets a young lady. They fall in love and have a wonderful relationship. That relationship though romantically fades over time, the friendship lasts. The young boy goes into the military and becomes a man. Through the time spent serving he would buy the lady a car, pay off bills, and through the years be as close a friend as possible. Even so much as becoming a godfather to her first born.

Now, you would think or at least I would think, that would create a strong bond, and a desire to keep a friendship alive? Well, I was wrong.

This adds to a long line of people coming and going. The sad truth is we all fall short of the glory of God, but that doesn’t change the hurt. It isn’t that faith was placed in people, but more like the expectation that your car will start in the morning. Scripture tells us to never grow weary of doing good, but I say, sometimes that’s incredibly difficult to do. Love is one of those things that If we could truly do it, than we wouldn’t have conflict. Scripture tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. That being the case, If we truly loved we wouldn’t hurt people nearly as much. But alas we are lowly, wretched sinners. It’s hurtful to see people you care about leave. I’m not sure what’s worse knowing why someone leaves, or being ghosted. Sadly, as this event plays out over and over in my life, I’m left watching this rerun over and over again. It never gets easier. The one saving grace is where I am with my faith. I turn to the father in prayer and ask for their peace. Not knowing the why, all I can do is pray for them, and pray for healing. As I eluded to earlier, it’s hard not growing bitter. It’s even harder not to press these feelings onto new friendships. I don’t believe that eventually everyone leaves, I can’t, because truthfully that would be emotionally taxing, draining, and cruel.

I’m not sure why I’ve had so many people walk out of my life. I’m not sure if it’s me, or if I attract a certain type of person. Either way, all I can do is drop to my knees and pray about it. Pray for peace of mind, and a healing heart. I can’t and won’t lie and say I’m alright, but I can say I will be, perhaps someday. It’s one thing to say that I’m used to being hurt by people leaving, and the feeling of abandonment goes away, but that would not be true. While I am used to it, the pain doesn’t get any better. And it takes everything I have plus some to fight the urge to put up walls around my heart and mind, to protect myself from people. Why get close to people, or let anyone in, if they are just going to leave? It’s a valid question but one that cannot sit on my heart. I cannot place the sins of others, upon people I’ve never met before. It is not right to place a burden upon someone for the acts of another. Sadly people do this all the time.

I know I am a sinner, and I know I’m saved by grace through faith in Christ. Ultimately it’s love. The love of God that shines down on me, even though I don’t deserve it. I can only hope one day, I’ll find my life was worth something. My love language, one of them is affirmation. Something we don’t often get in our lives. This is a driving factor for me I’d say, that if I can arrive in Heaven, and find that my works in the name of Christ were pleasing, that the Father will one day look at me and say well done, that would make all of the pain worth while. My heart today is heavy. This I cannot deny. Peace is found in the love of Christ and that’s where I must turn.

Grief out of Love

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“What is Grief, but love persevering.” Vision

There is no question that life can be hard. Life can leave us broken, battered on the floor. We ask why, why God? We find ourselves alone, lost, in a world full of pain. We lose people we love. Betrayed and sold out by those we cherished. Ignored by friends. Passed over for a promotion at work. Watch a child pass away. Bury a parent after years fighting dementia. We ask why God. We need God, we cannot make it through this alive without God. It is said that God never puts more on us than we can handle. This is utterly not true. God allows us to go through trials and tribulations because his will is perfect. We are not to rely on our own faulty strength but rather, we are to turn to our Abba Father to deliver us from evil. Philippians 4:13 ESV “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” If we relied on our own strength we would fail. Isaiah 41:10 ESV “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” It is Gods strength that sees us through. When left to our own path, our own desires, we often make our situation worse. Life hurts sometimes. Heartbreak happens. This life we live surrounded by the very presence of sin, we are often caught in the sights of sin, or collateral damage to sin, or the origin of the sin impact. This world leaves battle scars. No one gets out of this life without them. No matter who you are, where you come from, you’re going to end up with scars. Fear not says the Lord. Jesus says when you face tribulations, John 16:33 33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you [a]will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Face the world daily and turn to God for everything. Do not pity yourself or the dead, for if they knew the Lord they have not died, but are truly alive. It’s okay to grieve, to miss someone’s presence. Turn to God and find peace.

THE SILENCE GROWS

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The silence grows

I write to you, even pour out feelings, but met with silence. I took the time, I write and write. Day after day, I take my time to beak the silence as I reach out to you. So many out, and nothing in return. Years of building relationships. Years of extensive, extending a hand in friendship. Picking up the phone from every call and message. I extended my wallet, my ear, my trust, my heart, and now it’s silence. A fool I’ve been, I couldn’t see, because I didn’t want too perhaps, my kindness used and abused. In my own time of need you were no where to be found. How could I have been so blind. The years of darkness I felt, suddenly creeps back in. The seeds fall and grow choking the life and happiness from my life. Abandoned yet again, the flash in my mind, as history repeats itself. Broken on the floor the tears just won’t flow. I do not know why, or how I got here. The color fades to black and white, the hurt a crushing feeling that buries in shame. The darkness settles in like an old friend. Must I say goodbye? Must I feel such loss yet again? Is this natures pruning? Did I mean so little to so many? Was I a convenience at the time, and without warning or word, expendable? History it seems repeated again. What have I learned? How to break, how to hurt. I’ve learned so much and yet again, here I am. The lessons seem to fade to mist. What can I do, when I reach for you, I reach and reach, into the darkness. I reach and lunge but like casting the fishing line, it comes up empty, every time. I see you there, you’re always around, but my hand you don’t take, a reach into the folly.

You’re not my enemy, I pray for you, I drop

to my knees and wish happiness upon you. I ask nothing of you except friendship. I have heard your tears. I’ve listened to your screams. You even once, heard mine. So close, but now ships passing on a fog filled night. Should I let go? Should I call out louder? Will my cries be heard? If you wanted to talk wouldn’t you reach out? What should I do? A broken heart makes poor choices. But, it isn’t just broken, but angry. Years and years of open roads. The pouring out of memories, feelings, thoughts, and now the road ends, the road I’d taken for years, can no longer be traveled. An absence, and yet a carrot dangled in front of me, teasing me, a sign, or is it?

I place so much in all the wrong places. I crave acceptance. I crave being wanted, and needed by others. I crave feeling important. I place that up high, an endless race I could never win. How many must I loose before I see the truth? How many must walk away before I find my value elsewhere? I walk miles upon miles seeking what I could never have. A hollow hole, unable to be filled. Jesus set me free from this cycle I find myself in. Jesus set me free from this pain. These shackles bind me and break me. Jesus be my chain breaker and show me a better way. Heal these wounds of the ages, and heal my broken heart. Jesus heal me and light my way home. Jesus my heart hurts, broken from saying goodbye. Jesus you pieced me together atom by atom, cell by cell. You’ve watched me grow, suffer, laugh and cry. Jesus you know my heart is breaking to pieces. Jesus lift me up and dry my tears. Take me out of this place and show me my value in you. Jesus show me that there’s more then this. Jesus my light on the hill, my shepard come find me, a lost sheep in the wilderness. I cannot do this on my own. I am fragile but strong. My heart breaks but I am not broken. I hurt, but I do not crumble to the ground. Jesus my rock, the rock, my foundation, my anchor in the storm, you save me when my sails are torn, and the keel creaks in the rough waters of this storm. Jesus my Lord, Jesus my light, dry my tears and guide me back, guide me to safety, my Lord. I cannot do this without you. I cannot stay in the darkness. I cannot stay in the silence. I long for Harold of the angels. I crave the sound of the choir of Heaven. I seek your face my Lord, I seek you in the darkness, lift me up, save me, save me from myself, this world, this hurt. Show me the blessings, so many abound around me. Teach me to number my days, so I may grow a heart of wisdom. Teach me to manage when I’m at the still waters, the green meadows, or the shadow of death. In you I trust my Lord. You hear my cries, deliver me from this toil.Free me. To you I pray.

The Truth

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The Truth

Being a Christian doesn’t mean I have it together all the time. It doesn’t mean someone is ok all the time. It doesn’t mean you’re never depressed. It doesn’t mean you can’t have other mental illnesses like bipolar or anxiety disorder. It means we realize we cannot possibly make it through this journey alone. We rely on our Lord and Savior to help us through and that we are nothing without Jesus Christ with us.

I am woefully insecure. My mind seeks human approval and acceptance. My mind is wrought with loneliness and self doubt. My insecurities make me question much about myself. I’ll give some examples.

“Hey how are you?”(message seen) two days later still no reply…

(Brain: what did I do? Are they upset with me? They don’t like talking to me. Am I not important to them?)

If I go too long without hearing from someone I question if I matter to that person. Do I cross their mind? Why don’t they say hello. Why don’t they ever check on me? Ultimately years of abandonment have culminated into a fear of such things, along with a deep seated question of self value and a desire for friendships that won’t scatter when the light reveals my imperfections.

As years pass by it seems I have become more and more isolated, not by choice, but by world events. My recent bout with Covid, left me seeking and searching both inside myself and outside for answers. While some people came to my aid, others whom I expected to be there weren’t. It produces a mix of feelings associated with my personal value. Of course the caveat to all of this is both simple and immensely complex. I am a child of God, a follower of Jesus Christ, and God don’t make trash. I have value because I am loved by God. On the flip side, feeling as I do are feelings of the world. The feeling and desire of wanting human contact is powerful. My soul and mind are at odds with one another and with a history of depression, a fierce battle.

The desires that comes and goes to reach out to people, is one that often seems to get me into trouble. It seems the thought of checking on loved ones and friends regularly, even if it’s just to show I care, is often met with feelings of anxiety, and messages left unanswered. Of course, in this age of digital communication, it’s too easy to ignore, and simply vanish in an event now called ghosting, is far too common in my life. Ghosting happens regularly in my life. And on top of that, those whom I had been friends with for years, have up and vanished, leaving me to hold on tight to those relationships I value most. Sometimes creating a catch 22. The desire to keep people close often has the adverse effect of pushing them away. Finding balance has not been my forte’.

Living with this kind of fear of loss is not easy, but there is hope out there to find. When I’m at my lowest, I remember my eternal Father. I remember that Jesus died for me, and that’s something I can’t ever let go of. In order to manage lows, anyone, anytime has to be proactive. In order for me to manage my way through the dark times, I have to create a mix of time with God but also time with people. It’s hard going sometimes, but knowing there’s light at the end of the tunnel is vastly important. Making my way through Covid, and the isolation it created has been a challenge. Many days of long periods of silence, left me in time of study in Gods word. I think back to Paul and the times of solitude in prison. How much less of a man am I, that I should not suffer also? If Paul can do it, I shall also. Paul suffered yet endured. He had a couple people he could always count on, as do I.

Managing these things doesn’t have to be completely debilitating, even though it proves a challenge, life moves on. Finding ways to manage the loneliness, and dealing with the depression that comes with, the lack of motivation, is a cyclical problem to deal with, but one that is nothing beyond what God can manage, and get me though. Time keeps moving forward and so shall I. God gets all the glory, and provides me everything I need. Never keep from moving forward, and never stop fighting the good fight.

The Beautiful Cracks

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The Beautiful Cracks

The fall from the pedestal was long and bloody. The breaking of bone, the shedding of blood, the fall from grace. Not only the bloody and broken of flesh, but the breakdown of the spirit. The pride that once stood firm was broken and left shattered on the blood stained floor. The cracks were no longer hidden, but visible for all the world to see.

The sin that filled my life was kept neatly tucked away in the darkness. A hypocrite, perhaps, a sinner, absolutely. What I didn’t know back then was I didn’t really understand Jesus. I had a head knowledge, but the greatest gap to heaven is sometimes 12 inches. I didn’t understand because of ignorance, the breakdown that was coming was not only needed, but vital to my survival. The armor around my heart was able to separate the world and what I hadn’t figured out yet, was the separation from the world meant separation from my salvation also.

Laying in a hospital bed broken, and alone, I was forced to realize just how broken I was, even if I couldn’t see it. That healing was needed, but in order to heal, one must first understand the nature of their illness. My illness was simply put, sin. While many may scoff at that, the idea of sin is and has been given a reputation of control, or worse an excuse for and behavior. The truth of sin, is anything that separates self from the Father. Anything that comes between you and the Lord is sin. Living outside of Gods commandments is sin. Not all sins overtly hurt others, but all sins hurt others. My sins where wide open for the world to see, no longer hiding in the dark.

The broken you see allows the light of Jesus to shine in. Letting Jesus in to your heart is the breaking of the worlds hold on you. The light of Christ shines through the cracks and breaks, and once broken, the healing begins. We all have a disease, a terminal illness, whether we see it, or feel it, just like the matrix, it’s there. I felt early on something was wrong with the world, and I knew something needed to fix it. As I got older I found the answer was Christ, but I didn’t realize how one tiny little toe in the waters of the world would cause so much trouble later. Sin is everywhere in this fallen world. You can see it on the TV, at work, on the street, at the grocery store, even inside the walls of the church.

I am by no means a perfect man. My mistakes and my sins amount to a death sentence, but luckily, that’s not my fate. Jesus paid the price for me. Jesus blood ransomed the verdict of my execution. It takes time to be remade. The cracks were only the beginning. Once the cracks aloud the light in and the fracture was complete, the accepting of Jesus isn’t the end, but merely the beginning, the start of a new chapter. My brokenness aloud me to see my need for knowledge, a truth, the truth that there is only one way, Jesus, to the father. Learning about the Bible, and not just the words on some pages, but deeper than that. I needed to know how to trust scripture. I needed to know and dissect the words if I were to let that ‘doctor’ heal my heart. After I accepted Christ, I wouldn’t call it doubt, but that’s when I started to examine who Christ was. After I knew Jesus was truth, I wanted to trust but verify. My true study began. I began to study scripture more deeply, and I began finding others who had done what I was seeking to do.

The struggles came quickly after true conversion. Those 12 inches created a gap between myself and so many people I had once considered as friends. Then, the exodus happened. From a large amount of people leaving the friendship with me, to others attacking Christianity, I felt alone and hurt. I wanted to explain to people who Christ was and why Christ was the way. I found a man, J. Werner Wallace, author of ‘Cold Case Christianity’. A once professed Atheist, turned Christian apologetics author. From there I found Lee Strobel, author of ‘A Case for Christ.’ The cracks in my heart we’re healing, and I was beginning to truly trust the path I was on. I started to learn not to rely on the world for validation, but merely Christ’s.

I learned that it was going to take time for the healing to take place, that it wasn’t an automatic thing. Accepting Christ as healer would open my heart to his healing words. It would take time to make my faith strong, and it would take time for the wounds of old to heal. As for my sin, sin still creeps around, but the difference is now, there’s a conviction of the heart when sin takes place.

Accepting Crist is to die of your old self, and become a new creation. That new creation is based on a journey of a thousand steps, not a sprint to end a race. Accepting Christ is the start of your relationship with the Father and as such, you and as I was when I stated was a baby in faith. While I knew Christ in many ways my whole life, we all have our own journey to walk. My journey is far from over (Lord willing) but I hope that Christ finds favor in my heart, and that as I continue to grow in Christ my sins become less, and my works are more approving. Not that we are saved by works, because we absolutely are not, but faith begets works for the Glory of the Father.

I had to be broken for the Lord to truly grab a hold of my heart, and as I’ve spent years healing, I am still wounded by those who reject the cross and all it stands for. The heartbreak I feel as people I care for reject everything it is to be Christian, is very real. I know Jesus is Lord and Savior, and I am but a servant in his home. I am not worthy to unstrap His sandal, yet at the same time I know I am adopted into royalty. Because of my cracks I know who I am. Because of those beautiful broken pieces deep inside me, I know the light of Jesus. While I do not embrace the brokenness of my heart, I allow those to heal, it is the idea of God loving and using broken things I embrace. I am a work in progress, and I trust that the last will be first, and even though I am small before the Lord, I have a large roll to play. No one person is more important in Gods house, only more visible. From the person who sweeps the floor, to the pullpit, not one is more important. We are all broken and reborn anew in the Lord. Embrace the cracks and let God heal you. Embrace the hardships and the lessons you endure. Let God show you how great He is by working through the problems you face. Let God dry your tears, and heal your wounds. God did not remove the Red Sea, merely made a path through it. God will see you through your troubles and your sorrows. Praise him in the valley, and on the mountain top, the meadow, and the storms.

The problems will come and the joys too. No matter where we are, Jesus is there with us. Enjoy the peace when it comes. Prepare your hands for battle and trust in the Lord. Get up and get out there and share why Jesus is important to you. From a broken heart, to being a new Creation, let everyone know what makes you different by being different. Show the world what being a follower of Christ really looks like. Stand firm and trust Jesus has your back, beautiful cracks and all.

WHO AM I?

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Who Am I? 

In retrospect I have often called myself something specific. I called myself a soldier, a Cavalry Scout, a husband, a security officer, a chaplain, but as one by one those things have faded away I have found myself asking ‘who am I’?  In retrospect I spent years defining myself since I left the military as one thing or another. As each position has faded into memory I have consistently found myself trying to reinvent myself over and over again. So, who am I now, truthfully I don’t really know. As tonight was my last night as a student seeking his undergraduate degree, it’s met with a bitter sweet night. 

While celebrating I reached out to someone, I thought would have been happy for me. I reached out to someone that, though there had been troubled times, I felt they would have been more enthusiastic and happy for me. I couldn’t have been further from the truth. In fact instead of congratulating me I was met with hostility, and hurtful words. I know I shouldn’t listen, but a part of me thinks I deserved it. So, what am I? 

Today, I see myself as a failed soldier, a failed husband, a failed chaplain, a failed security officer, and through all those failures I don’t know what I am today, except for broken. For years I knew there was something wrong, that something had gone awry. As I sit here listening to Christmas music, Silent Night by Lindsey Stirling I am reminded that Jesus the Son of God, born 2000 years ago came for the sinners, the saints, the wealthy, the poor, the healthy, and the dying. I realize that Jesus came for me. I am not a perfect man, and when I’ve made mistakes, I’ve tried to fix them. I have never intended to hurt someone, and I’ve never done so out of spite. Sadly, I have to admit I have been on the receiving end. 

Going forward I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m going to do. I don’t know where my path is, or what God has planned for me. A part of me wonders if what was said tonight is true, and if it is, I wonder if I should consider where that may take me. Christmas is coming and with it the new year. Can I wipe away all the wrongs this year and start fresh in 2020? I believe that with God nothing is impossible. I believe that God can break through the hardened of hearts. I believe that God can heal the brokenness of peoples hearts. I believe that God values someone who wants to redeem themselves. I believe that I am worth being redeemed. I believe I am valued if not by the person from earlier, then by Jesus. I believe there are people who value me. I believe there are people who love me and want me to succeed in this life. Who, am I? I don’t know, but I know I am a child of the King. Who am I? I’m royalty adopted by the blood of Christ to inherit an eternal Kingdom. I may not know my purpose in this life right now, and while my heart feels like it’s broken, and my feelings have been hurt, I trust in the healing power of Jesus. Who am I? I’m a broken man in need of fixing. I’m someone who has lived and survived through so much. I am a survivor and will continue to do so. I’m someone who’s experienced much hardships, much trauma and so much loss, but I am not a victim, I’m a survivor. I cannot loose faith in that love that Jesus gives to me. I may not know where I’m going but Jesus does. If I am to survive this, I need to trust Jesus and trust that he will take care of my tomorrow, my today, and he will guide me. No matter where I find myself “Psalm 23”, the river, the meadow, or the valley, I am protected by the Holy Spirt. I am loved and that’s who I am. 

Pearl Harbor

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Pearl Harbor

December 7th1941, a date in which the Empire of Japan deliberately, and maliciously attacked the Pacific Naval Fleet on the island of Pearl Harbor. 77 years ago over 2000 were killed, over another 1000 wounded, and countless ships and aircraft destroyed. We remember today the sacrifice made by the men and women who served and gave everything on this morning 77 years ago. What does it mean to serve? What does it mean to sacrifice? 

Jesus said, John 15:13 (NKJV)13 “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” The end for so many is a scary time. For millions the end of their life whether it’s of old age, or taken by way of an accident is a terrifying ordeal. There are so many people who are lost in the end who never knew the love of Jesus Christ. I think of the over 2000 souls lost 77 years ago and wonder how many of them were saved. I think back of what that morning in Hawaii must have been like. The weather was beautiful and much like any other morning people were at work, and none of them knew it would be their last day, their last chance to know Jesus Christ. I think of those who died in the Arizona as the air slowly faded and the slow time it took to face the truth that it would be their last day. The sad, yet undeniable truth is that we never know when our time is up. The biggest question is what have we done, or what will we do with the time we have left, however long that may be? 

Psalm 90:12“So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom.”I remember when I was in the military and I never knew when the last day might come. I went on mission wondering if it would be my last, if my number were up that day. While the experience stuck with me for years, I can remember being both calm and terrified at the same time. I recall feeling at ease because I knew where I was going, but also I found it upsetting all the things I would never be able to do. It seems irrational thinking about all the things yet to experience in this life considered the perfection of Heaven, but the feelings I experienced were very real. I had been a Christian my whole life up till that point 20-21 years, but all things considered I was a baby in my faith. It wasn’t until many years later that I would have a much better and in depth view of what it truly means to be Christian. 

Today the thought of so many people in this world who don’t know Christ and who will never know the eternal life of Heaven breaks my heart. The evidence points to the Gospels being true accounts, the Non-Biblical accounts corroborate many of the Biblical facts. Even with that people choose to think of Jesus as a myth, a crazy man, or just a regular guy who did nice things for people. The facts are fairly plane when you put all the pieces together instead of picking and choosing what to focus on. While it’s true none of us saw what happened that day, the fact remains that there are eyewitness accounts of the acts of Jesus Christ, and the ‘facts’ point to a risen Christ with an empty tomb. The empty tomb shows Christ overcame death and promised we too who follow would also overcome death.

I think it’s important to use events like Pearl, Boston, 9/11, San Bernardino, even events like hurricanes, that we understand the end day is never promised to be after a long life. We must count our days, and to gain a heart of wisdom is to be blessed by God. We are blessed in salvation, but we must accept that salvation. We must place our hope in the Son, and accept the nature of life, and that it’s not told to us when or how the end comes. It’s better to be prepared and to know the savior and be at ease when the moment of death arrives no matter if it’s at a ripe old age, or a sudden accident. We need to count the blessings for each and every day, and understand tomorrow is never promised.

Your Cage

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Your Cage:

 We’ve all heard the term “Life’s Not Fair.” The truth is in the pudding, life isn’t fair. It doesn’t play by any set of rules. This fallen sinful world is full of people who the Devil has gotten his teeth into and live to watch the world burn. Some people in this life love the darkness so much so that they embrace it. Some people love to feel powerful and feel the need to take power from others. Some men rape, and murder, and steal and terrorize others. In my life I’ve seen some horrors and I’ve experienced evil. I’ve seen the depravity of man and I know the pain and anger that’s left in the aftermath. I know what it’s like to feel so angry it feels like you’re going to explode. I know what it’s like to take a baseball bat and hit an inanimate object over and over and over again. I know what it’s like to be afraid of the world. I remember when I got home from Iraq driving on the street terrified me. I was scared of trash on the road, and other cars being to close to me. I was scared to go into a crowded store alone. I was scared to sleep in my bed without a gun next to me. To this day, I struggle to sleep without a gun with me. I have a hard time going to the store by myself knowing I am defenseless. I am still uncomfortable if I’m ever boxed in on the road, or if I can’t be ahead of traffic. It terrifies me to be sitting still on the road. What does any of this really mean? It means I created a cage for myself and I have the key, but I refuse to leave.

When I left the comfort of my tent in Kuwait for the long road to Ar-Ramadi in Iraq I really didn’t know what to expect. I had anticipated being shot at on a regular basis. I expected to be hit with one IED (Improvised Explosive Device) after another. I expected to be hated and despised by the locals which whom our mission was to win the hearts and minds. The reality was far different then what my mind had concocted. Yes I saw combat, and yes every bit of trash was a danger, but the attacks didn’t come every day like I had imagined. Never the less after a year on edge that became so engrained in my fight or flight response that reprogramming the event has been difficult, near impossible to date. One major issue is my own mind not letting go of the past and allowing myself to walk out of my cell and leave the key behind me. My mind has made the cage seem safe, and I like where it’s safe, and I don’t want to venture to unknown places. There are dangers in the unknown, and I am not equipped to deal with them. Alone I am vulnerable, exposed, and even with a head on a swivel I am ill prepared to handle the attack when it comes. I look to the exits, I scan every person big or small, and I feel the adrenalin spiking as the crowds grow. Anyone is a robber, a thug, a terrorist, and at any moment the excrement can impact the oscillating device. The risk is just to high so I stay home.

That was me 12 years ago. I hated going anywhere because that’s what my mind did to control me. It’s taken years for me to break through that barrier and move forward. While I wouldn’t say I’m free of the cage, I am comfortable saying the cage has expanded. I am not longer a prisoner of my home. I have found many different ways to cope with my social anxiety, but there are days when it still affects me worse then others. One of the big things in therapy is finding what works, and to get there it takes trial and error. I’ve heard so many people tell me they got into therapy and because it didn’t work after a few weeks stopped going. People think therapy is a quick fix, that you go and you talk about your issue, or perceived issue, and after a few sessions you are all better. That’s not the way it works, that’s not the way the brain works, and sadly those kinds of fast food therapy ideas are why we as Americans struggle so much. We have lost our faith and we no longer believe in anything, and we are fly by night Christians, and we are really only Christians in name. We say the prayers, we identify with a social norm, and that’s what we are, but most Christians don’t ever open their own bibles and read or study. Most Christians don’t even go to church regularly, yet hold onto the name Christian. Many Christians act churchly when they are in the building with the cross on top, but as soon as the car door closes to go home, Mr. Hyde comes out and it’s an entirely different scene. In order for us to deal and manage with the traumas of life we must first repair the damage between Christ and us. We have walked so far away from the cross that we wouldn’t know scripture if it hit us in the face. We have allowed ourselves to conform to the ideas of this world, and we have removed God from our lives so now when things go bad we have no faith, nothing to believe in, and above all, or rather, worst of all, no hope for a brighter tomorrow.

After years and years of trauma I have my issues, but I have found ways to still live a normal life. I have faced my demons and while that fight ongoing, and slow, there’s still forward momentum. I know which direction I need to go, and while I would love to place blame, it’s a futile exercise in making excuses. The truth is I cannot change what happened to me, or why it happened, but I have a choice with how I live my life right now. I have a choice how I want to behave, how I want to feel, and I decide my frame of mind. I am under no disillusions that God is the one that either allows things to happen, or nudges us towards a particular direction. Every situation, good and bad is an opportunity for us to evangelize and praise God. It doesn’t matter what ‘bad’ thing happens to you, whether it be a death in the family, a murder, a rape, a sickness, a loss of a job, a loss of a spouse, nothing changes the ultimate outcome. One thing I hear so often is ‘you wouldn’t understand.’ While the flavor of the ice cream may be different I still know how to eat ice cream. Trauma is trauma no matter what flavor it is. There’s a time to love and a to hold. There’s a time to walk along side hand in hand, and eventually there’s a time to push or pull someone through. The biggest detriment for those who suffered trauma is when they get stuck in that incident. I know because I was there. After I watched my close friends die horrifically in an explosion, and while I did CPR and failed to save one, I relived that event for years. I became stuck and it took therapy for me to have a break through. Therapy is not something to be taken lightly, and it’s not a Genie in a bottle that can snap his fingers and make you all better. There is no cure for cancer in a day, and there’s no cure to repair damage done emotionally. There are ways to get over some anxieties. There are ways to manage fear. There are ways to overcome horrible cages that we place ourselves in. You have to want to do what is necessary, and you have to find yourself coming and letting Jesus back into your heart, or letting Jesus Christ in for the first time. Faith is the strongest medicine you can find, and faith mixed with professional help and a drive to actually fix the problem, will put you on the healing path.

While others may be able to teach us, show us the way, help pick us up, ultimately the door to recovery starts with us. We have to be ready to walk through the door and follow whatever path waits for us on the other side. While we sit in our cages unwilling to do what is necessary we are the ones who hold our own key. We must be willing to step foot out of our own comfort zone and take a chance in the big, bad, scary world. We may realize that the world although never truly safe, isn’t as scary as we once made it out to be. We can believe the lies fed to us by Mother Gothel, and we may keep ourselves trapped up in our towers forever, or we can escape and see the world as beautiful, and full of life. Sure is there risk? Of course there’s risk, but one day we have to look back over our lives, and we will have to decide if we are satisfied with how we lived. Living in fear is no way to live. Life’s to short to worry about it. If you know you’re saved, and you know that Heaven is where you will be, truly, this life is just a temporary holding pattern for the real life waiting for us. If one day I’m out and I am mugged and shot and killed getting money from the ATM, I know I lived my life as well as I could, and I know I’m happy with what I leave behind. Don’t let fear stop you from living, from going out and enjoying the blessings God has bestowed on our life.

 

The Life

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The Life

All my life I was bullied. I was teased, picked on, and even beat up. From being pushed in the halls, to the locker room. From my books being taken, and swirleys being given. From being punched or even my things being stolen, I would endure day after day, time after time. Growing up I wasn’t the biggest person in school. Growing up I wasn’t the smartest, or the fastest. Growing up I was average for most areas of my life. Perhaps looks which I was teased a lot about was slightly below average, but no matter what others thought, I was made by God just the way he wanted me. Faith for me has always been apart of my life. I wish I could say that it was faith that carried me through, and maybe on some level it was, but I cannot stand here and say I came through stronger for it. On the contrary, although I made it through, I came out with scars. My whole life I’ve been self conscious, and I’ve had a low self esteem. I never held my achievements in high esteem because I never felt they mattered. I argued with God every night about the life I was given, and why. I argued every night that He wouldn’t deliver me from my hell. I remember one night I was 10 years old and I had recently had surgery. There were complications and unexpected physiological changes, which caused tremendous amounts of pain. I cried harder that night then I think I had any other time in my life. The pain was unbearable and as I laid next to the toilet I begged God to just kill me already. I prayed for deliverance from this life because I knew God hated me, and I was being punished. At 10 years old I had endured so much emotional pain, and physical pain, and if that was all by the age of 10 what would my life be? I knew I didn’t want to be a punching bag my whole life. I was at a cross roads and I didn’t know where to turn.

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Not long after that surgery I returned to school where I would befriend a classmate. He was always quiet and reserved, but our friendship didn’t come of our own doing. No, it would come as a compromise to a problem we faced in class. We both wanted to do our report on Abraham Lincoln so our teacher proposed we do the report together. Agreeing to her terms, we set out to do the best report we could, and after a weekend at his house I foresaw a great friendship rise. All these years later me and him are still friends, and in fact after living with them on and off for 6 years, we became brothers. Had it not been for that relationship, at that time in my life, I cannot say where I’d be now. Looking back I realized God had answered my prayer, He just didn’t do it in a way I thought he would. The weeks turned to months, and then years, and now looking back 24 years later at everything I’ve endured, I have learned one simple truth. God does not choose the strongest, or the smartest, he chooses those he knows will endure the test of time. Look at the Apostle Paul for instance. Here’s a man that hated the Christians. He persecuted them, and in his hatred and rage hunted them and in some cases executed them. Christians knew his name and were in fear of him. I think we all have our own Damascus road. Paul was chosen I feel for many reasons. First was his unique citizenship, he was both Jewish, and a Roman citizen. He knew scripture front and back, and he came with a high education, and authority. Of all these things, Paul would be able to use his past to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He would be made to endure hardships beyond our dreams. He would face physical and emotional pain the rest of his life. God didn’t choose him to stand up to the Romans and fight an army. God chose him to build a legacy. God knew Paul could faithfully endure and in those hardships he showed as an example of how to live in Christ. His teaching changed the face of the Church forever, and even though he would be tortured and eventually murdered he shows us how much a man can take in the name of the Lord.

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When the bad things happen, trauma, death, sickness, economic hardships, we often ask the same question, “Why Me?” The bigger questions, is why not you? I know this doesn’t sound fair, but give me a moment, and I’ll explain. First, bad things happen for a few reasons, either A: Your own choices caused it to happen. B: Someone else close to you caused it to happen. C: God allowed something to happen. No matter the reason, it happened, and we have a choice on how much the why will bother us. We can ask God for an answer but if I have learned anything it’s the answer may not present itself for years or in some cases decades down the road.

We cannot expect an answer because if life is the test, what kind of test would it be if the professor gave you the answers? Sometimes we need to learn things for ourselves, and we have to do the one thing that’s stated over and over in scripture, and that’s to have faith. Growing up through so many hardships I know my faith was on rocky ground. I know for a long time I was angry with God for allowing me to go through so much pain and suffering. I was so furious that for many years I barely spoke to God. He became the estranged father and even though I was angry and we didn’t speak, I always knew he was still there. God let me be angry, but never left my side, and never stepped letting me know He was still there. When I moved in with my Grandpa life had turned around for me. School was good for the first time in forever, and even dating started for me. Life wouldn’t be without it’s ups and downs, but for the first time in as far back as I could remember I was genuinely happy.

As the years would move forward I would find myself going through horrible situations, but I never asked God why. It would be years before I would beg God for release and when he said no, and this time I heard him, I knew the power and grace of God. I finally got it, and would understand the purpose. I have spoke in depth about the process of sword making, and I have realized that even though I wasn’t the strongest physically, or even the smartest, I would have one quality that God wanted. I would be able to shoulder the responsibility and walk with Christ. I could carry my cross and preach and teach the Gospel, but only because all those years of suffering, of pushing through, I was being trained. Everyone has divine gifts but no matter what they are they must be used and practiced. We must put forth effort in order to have these gifts grow and become useful for God. The things I endured I would be able to look back and see how I can now use it to preach the Gospel. One thing I’ve learned is God waists nothing. Every hardship we face God can turn into a blessing for us to use to Glorify His name. God wants those who can fight the good fight and will shoulder the cross. Often times those who have been broken will be the ones to be remade in Christ and set forth as soldiers. If you think about it, it makes sense that if someone’s lived off the silver spoon and never had to work for anything; on what authority do they have to speak of hardships? Those who struggle and have made it through have experience on their sides. We can share our testimony and people can relate to hardships.

Psalm 118:6-9“The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.” Trusting in the Lord isn’t easy, and it takes a lot of work, but the rewards for that trust are beyond our imagining. I realize now that each and every one of my horrible things has been preparing me and guiding me down where I would be able to use those horrible things in my life to help others. Romans 8:28“28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” For all things God is working out the plan. I never would have dreamed my experiences as a child would be so useful as an adult, but now with my direction as a crisis chaplain I will undoubtedly encounter small children and I can put myself in their shoes. Have faith that just because you don’t know the reason today, doesn’t mean you’ll never know it. Trust in God’s big picture, and you will do just fine. Change your perspective from the negative to finding something positive. Remember your brain is like your body, if you put bad stuff in, that’s what you’re going to get out of it. If you put good stuff in you’ll be positive and healthier. Changing your focus isn’t easy but with hard work and practice you’ll do just fine. God Bless.