Tag: life

The Truth Is

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

The days tick by since I heard from you last. I check in because I know, I know the struggles you’ve had. I send a message, then another. I finally realize you’d seen them, but still, I wait for what seems to be forever, and still no reply. How many times must I wait? How many times will we talk about how it makes me feel? How many times will I wait and wonder, wait and question, wait and think it was me? How many times will I be made to feel it’s my fault? How many times will I be made to think I expect too much? I have spent a lifetime being made to feel I wasn’t good enough. I have spent a lifetime being left behind, tossed aside. I have spent a lifetime being told I just wasn’t good enough. 

The truth is…. The truth is, I have spent so much time thinking the worst of myself. While it’s true I deserve Hell, and I have never and will never be good enough to grace the gates of Heaven, the truth is, while I am not worth saving, I am saved by grace, not of my own value for the sake of having value, but I am valued because God the Father values me. If God can see my value, and see my heart, and you, all of you, cannot, the problem is not with me, but sadly with your own hearts. How many hours have I devoted to sharing love with you, to share God’s grace, and hope with you? How many times have I watched the self-destructive path? How many times have I heard the apology and the promise of change? How many broken promises have I heard? How many times have I cried over loss, one after another? How many times have I beat myself down over feeling I was never good enough? 

The truth is…. The truth is, it’s been too often. I have forgotten the nature of our hearts. I have forgotten the true place we belong, and the true master in which we worship. Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” We fall upon the worlds stage and we give in to the lusts of our heart. We follow the world and we obey the master the Devil in such things. Those who do not know Christ serve the Devil in his ways. Some people want to use you. Some people want nothing to do with you. Some want power over you. What comes from within? What lives within us all? Mark 7:21-22 21”For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, 22Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:” We are foolish creatures, we are selfish creatures, we are blind sinful creatures. 

The truth is…. The truth is, it isn’t your fault. Sinners gonna sin, and for me to expect so much from someone still plugged in to this wretched world, I cannot expect change. I cannot expect behavior that is against that which is born out of evil and wickedness to change. See, it isn’t you, no, not just you reading this, but so, so many people. This message goes out to all. How do we treat others? How do we send messages without sending messages/ Do we give one excuse after another? Perfection is not what’s asked for. Apologies are no longer being sought. Forgivness is what I offer here. I can’t sit around and hope and wait for change while I am the one hurt over and over, expecting this next time will be different. I can’t sit around wondering why I wasn’t good enough. I can’t sit and wonder what I had done wrong for you to not want me around anymore. I have been broken so many times I wonder what it is I feel now. I can remember feeling so deeply about things in my life, and now the scar tissue, the wounds surrounding my heart and mind make even the most obvious responses seem strange, far from me. The person I was seems gone, and lost forever, but my hope is in Jesus, and one day, I will be healed from years of neglect. I have a long way to go before I recognize myself, but I cannot hold on to friendships that aren’t trying to hold on to me. I shall not burn a bridge, and my door will always be available, but like a busy party, I shall quietly let myself out. I will walk away, and I shall attempt to hold my head high. The Holidays are hard, and feelings are like a live wire, sensitive to the touch. I turn my collar to the cold, as I walk away from the frigid feeling deep within. The bright son awaits to warm me, to touch my heart, and heal the wounds within. No longer can I be held captive to the lies of the Devil. No longer can I listen to the voice of fear deep within. The Devil has lied to me my whole life. The trials I faced, the hurt inflicted upon me, the hurt that is still being inflicted, I cannot allow. I cannot voluntarily take upon more cuts that are not mine to bare. A fool I have been thinking I can fix all those whom I encounter, that walk-in darkness. A fool I thought I could be a hero, a white knight. Thankless, and indeed pride, I shall let go of, and humble myself before the Lord of Lords, and beg for a sentence deserved to be commuted. In the light I saw tomorrow, a future not what I deserve, but rather one of hope, and not the darkness all around. The cancer grew deep inside, and I seek the physician to remove this sickness from me, and replace it with a new heart. 

The truth is… The truth is, I forgive the hurt, the pain, the careless neglect. The truth is, I let it go, and I forgive, not because we are deserving of forgiveness, but I trust as Jesus said “forgive them for they do not know what they do.” So, as my Lord has forgiven me, as I shall forgive you. Peace and love be upon you, and I pray for the light to find you, and pull you from the dark hold you are in. I pray Satan’s grasp upon you is broken, and the light of the Son, Jesus, makes the demons retreat in terror, and you are set free. I pray, and I pray, in love. The truth is… The truth is Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. 

A collection

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

Busy:

Busy busy our lives are

So fast goes the clock, so fast the sun moves till it’s dark.

Where did the time go, all the work, the day slips by.

We run and run, appointments, and clean, eat, and work.

Ding goes the phone, a message to glance at. But busy busy, no time.

Sleep comes, and flies by.

Jingle jingle goes the alarm. Check the phone, and off we go.

No time to reply, we must go go go.

Days go by, and busy still, so so busy.

Scrolling through facebook, post this, post post that.

Bills, and work, cook, and sleep.

Buzz buzz, the phone says a message. A glance, but to busy to reply.

Tick Tock:

The time tick by, work, and t-ball, lunch, and laundry, post post to Facebook, online for a bit, then off to sleep. Days days, and weeks to months. How quickly it goes, but all the days, and nights, who’s over there? Who’s on the other end? Tick-tock we can’t go back, the time goes by, who’s there? Ring ring, goes the phone, no answer, no answer. Too busy, or unimportant….. ring ring, but silent, empty, no answer, no nothing.

PSA: Please remember that not everyone is vocal about their struggles. Some struggle in silence. As a nation we don’t like to talk about mental health very much. We don’t like to talk about depression, bi-polar, anxiety, etc. Some people truly suffer in silence. They may go to work, go to their kids games, even have a social media presence, but please know, millions truly do suffer in silence. Be kind, tell your friends you love them. Tell your family how much you appreciate them. Keep showing up and speaking love into the lives of those you interact with. Life’s far too short for us to simply stay in our lane with blinders on.

Faith:

Faith doesn’t always come easily. When times are good, it’s simple to be thankful and happy. When times are bad however, how quickly do we loose our faith in God. We faultier when relationships end, when sickness comes, or when a loved one is taken from us. It is in these times I myself have fallen short of the cross. I have lost sight of who the Father is. Anger, frustration, confusion, and so many other emotions can cause us to forget that Gods will is perfect. God is sovereign. Will we understand? No probably not. But we live in a fallen world. We live in a place that was corrupted and remains corrupted by the blackness of sin. Jesus lost his earthly father at a young age, so we know he understands our pains. Jesus was forced to leave home at the age of two. He lived abroad away from his people in a land not of his own. He understands our sufferings. Faith built on Jesus is built on the rock. It’s foundation should be strong. Do not let this world, do not let Satan, fracture your foundation or tear you away from God the father. Hold strong through the storms. You are not alone in your struggles.

Sometimes:

Sometimes people move on, they don’t call anymore, or write, or text. Sometimes this comes gradually, or all at once. Does this hurt? Sure it does. Sometimes people change, they change their views, their priorities, their opinions, their faith, does it hurt? Sure. Sometimes people you once knew, turn their backs and walk away. Sometimes people talk behind your back. But, sometimes there are friends who stick by you through thick and thin. Sometimes a friend calls out of the blue to just see how you’re doing. Sometimes a friend sends a card, or a text just to say hello. No matter where you are, on any of these things, remember that while we were but sinners, enemies to God, Jesus gave his life to pay the ransom for our sins, our transgressions. WE cannot hope to be perfect, and nor can we expect sinful people to be so. People hurt people because we are hurting. Our sin drives us to make horrible choices, sinful, selfish, dark choices. It is in our sins we find the failings in others, but also in ourselves. While we will be hurt by others, it is vital to our own spiritual health, to forgive those who trespass against us. We must forgive as our savior asked for our forgiveness to what we had done. In our short comings we must fall on our knees, repent, turn from our sinful ways, and beg God for forgiveness. We must never forget what was done on the cross for us, and as such, the next time someone turns from you, walks away, or just isn’t the friend they should be, forgive, and be gracious. Love all, and pray for your enemies. Never loose sight of the one relationship that matters most, Jesus loves you, and was a willing sacrifice so we might live.

Starving:

I eat and yet I am hungry. I drink, and yet I thirst. The addict gets their fix but a hunger, a craving that comes back, time and time again. We are driven by our sin, the lusts of the flesh. We want the worldly things, from women, to power, money, toys, fame, and whatever else you can think of. But it’s more than that isn’t it? It’s wanting to be liked. It’s wanting to be accepted. It’s not wanting to be alone. There is so much of this world we hold onto, but it leaves us what? Wanting more. It reminds of the pirates from “Pirates of the Caribbean” and in it Barbossa says this “But the more we gave them away, the more we came to realize. The drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, nor the company in the world would harm or slake our lust. We are cursed men, Miss Turner. Compelled by greed, we were. But now, we are consumed by it.” Aren’t we consumed by our very sin? In fact, Jesus says this John 4:13-14 “13 Jesus answered, Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” Let us never grow weary of taking in the Holy Spirit. Let us never forget what and who is with us every day. Let us never forget what the world has to offer is but temporary, but that from God is eternal.

Ticktock

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

Ticktock ticktock goes the clock. Time inches ever closer. What will they find, when they look inside? Narrowing narrowing. The curve is wrong, it’s all wrong. Big bulge little bulge, pushing through. It tingles and hurts, but what will they find? A needle here, and some fluid there. Big risks, little risks, but what will they find? So many thoughts, today, tomorrow. How to manage the storm inside. Ticktock ticktock goes the clock. The clock of time, time stalking it’s pray. I hear it now, the clock, the shuddered footsteps creeping behind. Look what you’ve done to me, you all corrupted time. The fall into sin, the broken, the pain. Stalking me down the hall, just waiting for me to fall. Ticktock ticktock, matches with my body, a little snap, crackle, pop. Run the race, endurance, it never stops. Run run, faster, it comes for us. Number my days, to grow in wisdom, the mind sharp, the body frail. Oh Lord help me today, and tomorrow. Faith I have, a purpose for me. We all expire, today, tomorrow, we never know. Run run towards the light. Ticktock ticktock, I won’t give up the fight.

The Tears Fall

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

I can’t help but let the tears fall.
The thoughts swirl in my mind.
I hear the explosion.
I see the smoke.
The scorched Earth.
The hole left behind, swallows much.
My mind jumps to the RPG’s, the bullets.
Jumping around from day to day,
The fear, the adrenalin high.
The good days and the bad.
So many memories,
So many lost.
The sights and sounds never leave me.
The tears fall.
Anger and sadness fill my heart.
The tears fall.
The bullets ping off the door.
The water is cool, but we’re exposed.
The sights stay in my mind, always there.
The tears fall.
A casket with a flag, the soldiers Cross in the sunset.
A country that forgets. The anger bubbles.
A government that falls short.
Friends lost.
The tears fall.
Too many dog tags.
68 gone, plus more over the years.
The tears fall…..

Good Thing God Loves Me

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

Good thing God loves me.

I’ve spent quite a while praying about this, and I keep coming back to the same thought process. It’s something I’ve spent time praying over and I have come to realize, I’m blessed to have Gods grace and love. Scripture tells us we are dead in our sin. That means we are in a coffin and not drowning out at sea looking for a safety ring to be thrown to us. We don’t often like to think of ourselves as dead but in reality we are serving a life sentence. In the end comes our judgment, our sentence. Do we die, or live. See, justice was dealt and Jesus took the punishment for those who would seek him. For everyone else, well, the future doesn’t look so bright for them. The thing that I have struggled with is the works because of faith. Scripture tells us that we will be recognized as those who follow Christ by the fruit of our works. Not that we are saved in works, but the new creation in Christ we are compelled to do works in the name of Jesus. The thing that gets me is how fickle we humans are. Let me give you a scenario and I’ll let you decide. I will preface this by saying this is only one side of the story.

Here’s a young man, who meets a young lady. They fall in love and have a wonderful relationship. That relationship though romantically fades over time, the friendship lasts. The young boy goes into the military and becomes a man. Through the time spent serving he would buy the lady a car, pay off bills, and through the years be as close a friend as possible. Even so much as becoming a godfather to her first born.

Now, you would think or at least I would think, that would create a strong bond, and a desire to keep a friendship alive? Well, I was wrong.

This adds to a long line of people coming and going. The sad truth is we all fall short of the glory of God, but that doesn’t change the hurt. It isn’t that faith was placed in people, but more like the expectation that your car will start in the morning. Scripture tells us to never grow weary of doing good, but I say, sometimes that’s incredibly difficult to do. Love is one of those things that If we could truly do it, than we wouldn’t have conflict. Scripture tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. That being the case, If we truly loved we wouldn’t hurt people nearly as much. But alas we are lowly, wretched sinners. It’s hurtful to see people you care about leave. I’m not sure what’s worse knowing why someone leaves, or being ghosted. Sadly, as this event plays out over and over in my life, I’m left watching this rerun over and over again. It never gets easier. The one saving grace is where I am with my faith. I turn to the father in prayer and ask for their peace. Not knowing the why, all I can do is pray for them, and pray for healing. As I eluded to earlier, it’s hard not growing bitter. It’s even harder not to press these feelings onto new friendships. I don’t believe that eventually everyone leaves, I can’t, because truthfully that would be emotionally taxing, draining, and cruel.

I’m not sure why I’ve had so many people walk out of my life. I’m not sure if it’s me, or if I attract a certain type of person. Either way, all I can do is drop to my knees and pray about it. Pray for peace of mind, and a healing heart. I can’t and won’t lie and say I’m alright, but I can say I will be, perhaps someday. It’s one thing to say that I’m used to being hurt by people leaving, and the feeling of abandonment goes away, but that would not be true. While I am used to it, the pain doesn’t get any better. And it takes everything I have plus some to fight the urge to put up walls around my heart and mind, to protect myself from people. Why get close to people, or let anyone in, if they are just going to leave? It’s a valid question but one that cannot sit on my heart. I cannot place the sins of others, upon people I’ve never met before. It is not right to place a burden upon someone for the acts of another. Sadly people do this all the time.

I know I am a sinner, and I know I’m saved by grace through faith in Christ. Ultimately it’s love. The love of God that shines down on me, even though I don’t deserve it. I can only hope one day, I’ll find my life was worth something. My love language, one of them is affirmation. Something we don’t often get in our lives. This is a driving factor for me I’d say, that if I can arrive in Heaven, and find that my works in the name of Christ were pleasing, that the Father will one day look at me and say well done, that would make all of the pain worth while. My heart today is heavy. This I cannot deny. Peace is found in the love of Christ and that’s where I must turn.

Grief out of Love

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

“What is Grief, but love persevering.” Vision

There is no question that life can be hard. Life can leave us broken, battered on the floor. We ask why, why God? We find ourselves alone, lost, in a world full of pain. We lose people we love. Betrayed and sold out by those we cherished. Ignored by friends. Passed over for a promotion at work. Watch a child pass away. Bury a parent after years fighting dementia. We ask why God. We need God, we cannot make it through this alive without God. It is said that God never puts more on us than we can handle. This is utterly not true. God allows us to go through trials and tribulations because his will is perfect. We are not to rely on our own faulty strength but rather, we are to turn to our Abba Father to deliver us from evil. Philippians 4:13 ESV “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” If we relied on our own strength we would fail. Isaiah 41:10 ESV “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” It is Gods strength that sees us through. When left to our own path, our own desires, we often make our situation worse. Life hurts sometimes. Heartbreak happens. This life we live surrounded by the very presence of sin, we are often caught in the sights of sin, or collateral damage to sin, or the origin of the sin impact. This world leaves battle scars. No one gets out of this life without them. No matter who you are, where you come from, you’re going to end up with scars. Fear not says the Lord. Jesus says when you face tribulations, John 16:33 33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you [a]will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Face the world daily and turn to God for everything. Do not pity yourself or the dead, for if they knew the Lord they have not died, but are truly alive. It’s okay to grieve, to miss someone’s presence. Turn to God and find peace.

THE SILENCE GROWS

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

The silence grows

I write to you, even pour out feelings, but met with silence. I took the time, I write and write. Day after day, I take my time to beak the silence as I reach out to you. So many out, and nothing in return. Years of building relationships. Years of extensive, extending a hand in friendship. Picking up the phone from every call and message. I extended my wallet, my ear, my trust, my heart, and now it’s silence. A fool I’ve been, I couldn’t see, because I didn’t want too perhaps, my kindness used and abused. In my own time of need you were no where to be found. How could I have been so blind. The years of darkness I felt, suddenly creeps back in. The seeds fall and grow choking the life and happiness from my life. Abandoned yet again, the flash in my mind, as history repeats itself. Broken on the floor the tears just won’t flow. I do not know why, or how I got here. The color fades to black and white, the hurt a crushing feeling that buries in shame. The darkness settles in like an old friend. Must I say goodbye? Must I feel such loss yet again? Is this natures pruning? Did I mean so little to so many? Was I a convenience at the time, and without warning or word, expendable? History it seems repeated again. What have I learned? How to break, how to hurt. I’ve learned so much and yet again, here I am. The lessons seem to fade to mist. What can I do, when I reach for you, I reach and reach, into the darkness. I reach and lunge but like casting the fishing line, it comes up empty, every time. I see you there, you’re always around, but my hand you don’t take, a reach into the folly.

You’re not my enemy, I pray for you, I drop

to my knees and wish happiness upon you. I ask nothing of you except friendship. I have heard your tears. I’ve listened to your screams. You even once, heard mine. So close, but now ships passing on a fog filled night. Should I let go? Should I call out louder? Will my cries be heard? If you wanted to talk wouldn’t you reach out? What should I do? A broken heart makes poor choices. But, it isn’t just broken, but angry. Years and years of open roads. The pouring out of memories, feelings, thoughts, and now the road ends, the road I’d taken for years, can no longer be traveled. An absence, and yet a carrot dangled in front of me, teasing me, a sign, or is it?

I place so much in all the wrong places. I crave acceptance. I crave being wanted, and needed by others. I crave feeling important. I place that up high, an endless race I could never win. How many must I loose before I see the truth? How many must walk away before I find my value elsewhere? I walk miles upon miles seeking what I could never have. A hollow hole, unable to be filled. Jesus set me free from this cycle I find myself in. Jesus set me free from this pain. These shackles bind me and break me. Jesus be my chain breaker and show me a better way. Heal these wounds of the ages, and heal my broken heart. Jesus heal me and light my way home. Jesus my heart hurts, broken from saying goodbye. Jesus you pieced me together atom by atom, cell by cell. You’ve watched me grow, suffer, laugh and cry. Jesus you know my heart is breaking to pieces. Jesus lift me up and dry my tears. Take me out of this place and show me my value in you. Jesus show me that there’s more then this. Jesus my light on the hill, my shepard come find me, a lost sheep in the wilderness. I cannot do this on my own. I am fragile but strong. My heart breaks but I am not broken. I hurt, but I do not crumble to the ground. Jesus my rock, the rock, my foundation, my anchor in the storm, you save me when my sails are torn, and the keel creaks in the rough waters of this storm. Jesus my Lord, Jesus my light, dry my tears and guide me back, guide me to safety, my Lord. I cannot do this without you. I cannot stay in the darkness. I cannot stay in the silence. I long for Harold of the angels. I crave the sound of the choir of Heaven. I seek your face my Lord, I seek you in the darkness, lift me up, save me, save me from myself, this world, this hurt. Show me the blessings, so many abound around me. Teach me to number my days, so I may grow a heart of wisdom. Teach me to manage when I’m at the still waters, the green meadows, or the shadow of death. In you I trust my Lord. You hear my cries, deliver me from this toil.Free me. To you I pray.

The Truth

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

The Truth

Being a Christian doesn’t mean I have it together all the time. It doesn’t mean someone is ok all the time. It doesn’t mean you’re never depressed. It doesn’t mean you can’t have other mental illnesses like bipolar or anxiety disorder. It means we realize we cannot possibly make it through this journey alone. We rely on our Lord and Savior to help us through and that we are nothing without Jesus Christ with us.

I am woefully insecure. My mind seeks human approval and acceptance. My mind is wrought with loneliness and self doubt. My insecurities make me question much about myself. I’ll give some examples.

“Hey how are you?”(message seen) two days later still no reply…

(Brain: what did I do? Are they upset with me? They don’t like talking to me. Am I not important to them?)

If I go too long without hearing from someone I question if I matter to that person. Do I cross their mind? Why don’t they say hello. Why don’t they ever check on me? Ultimately years of abandonment have culminated into a fear of such things, along with a deep seated question of self value and a desire for friendships that won’t scatter when the light reveals my imperfections.

As years pass by it seems I have become more and more isolated, not by choice, but by world events. My recent bout with Covid, left me seeking and searching both inside myself and outside for answers. While some people came to my aid, others whom I expected to be there weren’t. It produces a mix of feelings associated with my personal value. Of course the caveat to all of this is both simple and immensely complex. I am a child of God, a follower of Jesus Christ, and God don’t make trash. I have value because I am loved by God. On the flip side, feeling as I do are feelings of the world. The feeling and desire of wanting human contact is powerful. My soul and mind are at odds with one another and with a history of depression, a fierce battle.

The desires that comes and goes to reach out to people, is one that often seems to get me into trouble. It seems the thought of checking on loved ones and friends regularly, even if it’s just to show I care, is often met with feelings of anxiety, and messages left unanswered. Of course, in this age of digital communication, it’s too easy to ignore, and simply vanish in an event now called ghosting, is far too common in my life. Ghosting happens regularly in my life. And on top of that, those whom I had been friends with for years, have up and vanished, leaving me to hold on tight to those relationships I value most. Sometimes creating a catch 22. The desire to keep people close often has the adverse effect of pushing them away. Finding balance has not been my forte’.

Living with this kind of fear of loss is not easy, but there is hope out there to find. When I’m at my lowest, I remember my eternal Father. I remember that Jesus died for me, and that’s something I can’t ever let go of. In order to manage lows, anyone, anytime has to be proactive. In order for me to manage my way through the dark times, I have to create a mix of time with God but also time with people. It’s hard going sometimes, but knowing there’s light at the end of the tunnel is vastly important. Making my way through Covid, and the isolation it created has been a challenge. Many days of long periods of silence, left me in time of study in Gods word. I think back to Paul and the times of solitude in prison. How much less of a man am I, that I should not suffer also? If Paul can do it, I shall also. Paul suffered yet endured. He had a couple people he could always count on, as do I.

Managing these things doesn’t have to be completely debilitating, even though it proves a challenge, life moves on. Finding ways to manage the loneliness, and dealing with the depression that comes with, the lack of motivation, is a cyclical problem to deal with, but one that is nothing beyond what God can manage, and get me though. Time keeps moving forward and so shall I. God gets all the glory, and provides me everything I need. Never keep from moving forward, and never stop fighting the good fight.

The Beautiful Cracks

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

The Beautiful Cracks

The fall from the pedestal was long and bloody. The breaking of bone, the shedding of blood, the fall from grace. Not only the bloody and broken of flesh, but the breakdown of the spirit. The pride that once stood firm was broken and left shattered on the blood stained floor. The cracks were no longer hidden, but visible for all the world to see.

The sin that filled my life was kept neatly tucked away in the darkness. A hypocrite, perhaps, a sinner, absolutely. What I didn’t know back then was I didn’t really understand Jesus. I had a head knowledge, but the greatest gap to heaven is sometimes 12 inches. I didn’t understand because of ignorance, the breakdown that was coming was not only needed, but vital to my survival. The armor around my heart was able to separate the world and what I hadn’t figured out yet, was the separation from the world meant separation from my salvation also.

Laying in a hospital bed broken, and alone, I was forced to realize just how broken I was, even if I couldn’t see it. That healing was needed, but in order to heal, one must first understand the nature of their illness. My illness was simply put, sin. While many may scoff at that, the idea of sin is and has been given a reputation of control, or worse an excuse for and behavior. The truth of sin, is anything that separates self from the Father. Anything that comes between you and the Lord is sin. Living outside of Gods commandments is sin. Not all sins overtly hurt others, but all sins hurt others. My sins where wide open for the world to see, no longer hiding in the dark.

The broken you see allows the light of Jesus to shine in. Letting Jesus in to your heart is the breaking of the worlds hold on you. The light of Christ shines through the cracks and breaks, and once broken, the healing begins. We all have a disease, a terminal illness, whether we see it, or feel it, just like the matrix, it’s there. I felt early on something was wrong with the world, and I knew something needed to fix it. As I got older I found the answer was Christ, but I didn’t realize how one tiny little toe in the waters of the world would cause so much trouble later. Sin is everywhere in this fallen world. You can see it on the TV, at work, on the street, at the grocery store, even inside the walls of the church.

I am by no means a perfect man. My mistakes and my sins amount to a death sentence, but luckily, that’s not my fate. Jesus paid the price for me. Jesus blood ransomed the verdict of my execution. It takes time to be remade. The cracks were only the beginning. Once the cracks aloud the light in and the fracture was complete, the accepting of Jesus isn’t the end, but merely the beginning, the start of a new chapter. My brokenness aloud me to see my need for knowledge, a truth, the truth that there is only one way, Jesus, to the father. Learning about the Bible, and not just the words on some pages, but deeper than that. I needed to know how to trust scripture. I needed to know and dissect the words if I were to let that ‘doctor’ heal my heart. After I accepted Christ, I wouldn’t call it doubt, but that’s when I started to examine who Christ was. After I knew Jesus was truth, I wanted to trust but verify. My true study began. I began to study scripture more deeply, and I began finding others who had done what I was seeking to do.

The struggles came quickly after true conversion. Those 12 inches created a gap between myself and so many people I had once considered as friends. Then, the exodus happened. From a large amount of people leaving the friendship with me, to others attacking Christianity, I felt alone and hurt. I wanted to explain to people who Christ was and why Christ was the way. I found a man, J. Werner Wallace, author of ‘Cold Case Christianity’. A once professed Atheist, turned Christian apologetics author. From there I found Lee Strobel, author of ‘A Case for Christ.’ The cracks in my heart we’re healing, and I was beginning to truly trust the path I was on. I started to learn not to rely on the world for validation, but merely Christ’s.

I learned that it was going to take time for the healing to take place, that it wasn’t an automatic thing. Accepting Christ as healer would open my heart to his healing words. It would take time to make my faith strong, and it would take time for the wounds of old to heal. As for my sin, sin still creeps around, but the difference is now, there’s a conviction of the heart when sin takes place.

Accepting Crist is to die of your old self, and become a new creation. That new creation is based on a journey of a thousand steps, not a sprint to end a race. Accepting Christ is the start of your relationship with the Father and as such, you and as I was when I stated was a baby in faith. While I knew Christ in many ways my whole life, we all have our own journey to walk. My journey is far from over (Lord willing) but I hope that Christ finds favor in my heart, and that as I continue to grow in Christ my sins become less, and my works are more approving. Not that we are saved by works, because we absolutely are not, but faith begets works for the Glory of the Father.

I had to be broken for the Lord to truly grab a hold of my heart, and as I’ve spent years healing, I am still wounded by those who reject the cross and all it stands for. The heartbreak I feel as people I care for reject everything it is to be Christian, is very real. I know Jesus is Lord and Savior, and I am but a servant in his home. I am not worthy to unstrap His sandal, yet at the same time I know I am adopted into royalty. Because of my cracks I know who I am. Because of those beautiful broken pieces deep inside me, I know the light of Jesus. While I do not embrace the brokenness of my heart, I allow those to heal, it is the idea of God loving and using broken things I embrace. I am a work in progress, and I trust that the last will be first, and even though I am small before the Lord, I have a large roll to play. No one person is more important in Gods house, only more visible. From the person who sweeps the floor, to the pullpit, not one is more important. We are all broken and reborn anew in the Lord. Embrace the cracks and let God heal you. Embrace the hardships and the lessons you endure. Let God show you how great He is by working through the problems you face. Let God dry your tears, and heal your wounds. God did not remove the Red Sea, merely made a path through it. God will see you through your troubles and your sorrows. Praise him in the valley, and on the mountain top, the meadow, and the storms.

The problems will come and the joys too. No matter where we are, Jesus is there with us. Enjoy the peace when it comes. Prepare your hands for battle and trust in the Lord. Get up and get out there and share why Jesus is important to you. From a broken heart, to being a new Creation, let everyone know what makes you different by being different. Show the world what being a follower of Christ really looks like. Stand firm and trust Jesus has your back, beautiful cracks and all.