Tag: jesus christ

Sufficient Is Gods Grace

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Sufficient Is Gods Grace

Today I wake and sore is my body. The work of the day prior has left muscles aching, the rice Krispie’s snap in my body as things crackle and pop. The pain is real but as I slowly get out of bed, I begin to ponder and be mindful of my body. I consider the life of Paul, and I consider his aches and pains in his life. When he was a young man he was adorned in the highest quality clothing, he ate the highest quality of foods, but how quickly that changed for him. 

Acts 22:20 “And when the blood of Your martyr Stephen was shed, I also was standing by consenting to his death, and guarding the clothes of those who were killing him.’

For what it was worth, Saul had a life of peace, and wealth. He would have access to the best doctors and healthcare of the time. It would seem to me that he would have had a nice house, and all the creature comforts money could buy. How quickly that changed for him. 

Acts 9:19-22 (ESV) For some days he was with the disciples at Damascus. 20 And immediately he proclaimed Jesus in the synagogues, saying, “He is the Son of God.” 21 And all who heard him were amazed and said, “Is not this the man who made havoc in Jerusalem of those who called upon this name? And has he not come here for this purpose, to bring them bound before the chief priests?” 22 But Saul increased all the more in strength, and confounded the Jews who lived in Damascus by proving that Jesus was the Christ.

We see Saul, converted to Paul, speaking to the Jews, and not only doing a good job, but was proving to them that Jesus was the Christ. His discomfort in life started right away after his conversion. He was once a beloved Jewish leader, and how quickly he went from loved, to having a bounty put on his head, as in verse 23 is says the Jews plotted to kill him. Now Paul manages to escape this death plot, but only a short time later Paul in Acts 14:19-23 shows he would not be able to run forever, and he would indeed be stoned. An event that would kill most people. This would have left his body, bruised, battered, likely bleeding, if not broken. Next we see Paul placed in prison in 16:16-24. This would have likely led to Paul being beaten not only in Prison, but during that section of scripture we see they are dragged, and likely here, beaten also. 

Acts 18:8 Paul is again attacked and brought to a tribunal. After being attacked by the crowd Paul would be released. 

Acts 21:27- Paul is imprisoned again, brought before the tribunal, and offers his testimony. Yet another plot to kill him is born in Acts 23. Paul is still imprisoned making his plea to take his case before Cesar, but in the mean time he is kept in bondage. While on his way, he is shipwrecked on Malta. While on the island he is bitten by a viper that by all means should have killed him. 

Paul is imprisoned several times, stoned, beaten, bitten by a viper, ship wrecked, and I can only assume his body hurt. I can only picture the beatings, and the whippings he received. During his time it wasn’t like there was Acetaminophen, or Ibuprofen to help the pain. Infections, and poorly healed bones were very common in those days. Even with the pain, and the trials, and the suffering God had promised, Paul remained steadfast in his beliefs. Paul gave up his comfortable life for what he knew to be the truth. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

God’s grace is sufficient. What are we looking for in life? Are we looking for the nice house, the fast car, the money, or women? Are we looking for power, and fame? Are you hurt in some way and in that pain you cry foul? Do you think your infirmities are unfair? I have often looked to soldiers whos lives were changed during the war. I look to see them missing a leg, or an arm, or worse. I have seen people with mental disorders, autism, cerebral palsy, or other. I look around the world and see the suffering of people every day. Our sinful worldly mind says “that’s not fair.” As Severous Snape would say to Harry Potter, “Life isn’t fair.” Now you may find this surprising but the term fair in the Bible never refers to fair as in equitable, but rather fair as in beautiful. If we were to get what’s fair, meaning equitable we would be doomed to face the fate of death forever. Romans 6:23 ESV “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 

Paul knew this, and even though he suffered, as we see in James 1:2-3 ESV 2 Count it all joy, my brothers,when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” Paul and the others knew suffering in the name of the Lord was an accepted reality. They did not cry that it was unfair, but rather, if anything was unfair, it would have been the need for Jesus to die because of my filthy sins. We do not get in this life what is equitable, or fair, but instead we are saved by grace, through faith, in Jesus Christ alone. IF we got what was fair we would all burn in the lake of fire for all eternity. Is physical pains and aches, fair? Sure it is, because we live in the world of sin, and nothing we face would be as bad as Job, or Jesus. WE see in scripture everything Job went through, and never blames God for it, but remains faithful. We stub our toe on the bed and blame God for putting the bed in our life. We get hurt in relationships and like Adam, “the woman YOU gave me, forced me to do it.” We blame God. We have such short and ungrateful memories that if we’d truly get what we deserve we’d get swallowed up by the Earth and forgotten to the sands of time. 

I’m not saying being in pain is fun, both physical or emotional, but I am saying it’s a part of this life. Can you be in hope that in Heaven there is no more pain, no more suffering? If you are looking towards Heaven and think how wonderful it would be, make sure you know that Jesus will be there. Make sure the Heaven you want is the one with Jesus because if not, the heaven you think you will get too will not be anything you were expecting. The one and only way to Heaven is to know Jesus Christ. The realize you are a wretched sinner, dead in your sins, and we are nothing without Christ. That Christ died on the Cross as an atonement for our sins, and took our place. He rose on the 3rd day fulfilling prophecy, and comes to Judge the living and the dead. Jesus bore our sins, so we wouldn’t get what was coming to us. Jesus who knew no sin, who was perfect in the full sense of the word, took on God’s righteous wrath to punish sinners, and in his death and resurrection, we see that His grace is truly sufficient for us. Our life here in this world is a hard one, but nothing compared to what Jesus bore for us. Our life here is but a vapor, and for those who truly know Christ, will pass through this world, that is not our own, that we are born again, and given citizenship of Heaven, a place of perfection, with no pain, or suffering. A place, where with Jesus we will experience endless Joy. So, is the pain you feel worth it, for just a little while? Does it mold you and guide you to Christ, and to live a more sanctified life? If I suffer in pain for 40 years, it’s a small price to pay to even remotely suffer in this life as Christ did. Paul suffered for the Lord, and did so with a glad heart. Most of us, even those who have seen combat and divorce, and physical and emotional struggles, most of us wouldn’t know true suffering if it bit us on the rear. Go through this life without complaint, without murmuring, and as James said, count it all joy to suffer for Christ. 

A Christians Walk Through Depression

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A Christians Walk Through Depression

First, I guess the important thing to point out is Mental Health is a real thing. Mental health can be anything from stress, to addictions, to schizophrenia, to PTSD, Bipolar, and so many more illnesses. We have in today’s current society begun to baby and over diagnose people for things like PTSD, but for those who truly have it, and those who truly have other illnesses’, let me say there is hope. I am a combat survivor. I am a survivor of childhood trauma, and years of bullying which also left its mark. I can remember having wounds that stuck going all the way back to early childhood. This is not a complaint, nor is this me playing the victim, it’s just a fact. We know, that certain events in our life, especially early on as the brain is developing, can often cause particular pathways to form which can cause a certain susceptibility to long term effects such as Major Depressive Disorder or MDD. These trauma’s first and foremost do not make you weak. These traumas form you through external nurture to the person you are, good and bad. I’d like to talk about some of these issues. 

Nurture, a real thing, and a question that has plagued us since the dawn of science, why are we the way we are, is it nature or nurture? And simply put the answer is yes. Both things play a role into who we are, and who we become. There’s no shame in being born a certain way, or through events in our life, becoming a certain way. No matter who you are, or what you’ve experienced, you will have faced both the inherited sin nature, and influenced by the sin nature of the world. This does not give us a license, or free range to use that as an excuse to sin however we want. If you were abused as a child, that no more gives you the right to abuse your own children, or worse, than saying you witnessed drugs, and alcohol and sex growing up, so that’s how you’ll live your life. Grace, does not give you any right to violate God’s laws. Just because we have a forgiving grace, doesn’t mean you can say “I was born like this” so you can live a life drawn to your sin nature. We as a society see the alteration within our moral compass, and the danger that comes with that, is when does it stop? Recently we have seen the over sexualization of our kids as young as kindergarten. Homosexuality and transgenderism is potentially something you are born with, but, that as I said, is not a reason to live freely with sin as your roommate. Scripture says this about sin. 

Romans 7:19-25

New King James Version

19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.

21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.

Even Paul shows us how much we wrestle with our sins, but there is hope in Christ to continue the fight. Paul says this in Ephesians, 

Ephesians 4:31-32 New King James Version

31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, [a]clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

In short, to put off the sinful nature with all malice. We must actively and daily try to kill off the sin within. We must go to the Lord on our knees daily and pray for repentance, pray for our hearts, pray for our actions, and help us to be sanctified daily. Now, that being said, what about the issues like depression and other mental health issues? 

Having lived a lifetime with depression I can tell you the road doesn’t get easier. There are days when it’s all I can do to ask God to help me get out of bed and put on a smile, as I just nod that I’m doing okay. I’ve learned that even among believers, many don’t want to know the truth, but merely ask out of politeness. That being said, it’s important to have those in your life whom you can actually open up too, and share the weight on your heart. We are all sinners, and people will let you down, people will make mistakes, but knowing who you can trust is important. Depression doesn’t make you less of a Christian than anyone else, it just something you have to carry. There is evidence to show that King David, a man after God’s own heart, suffered with depression, and likely some PTSD. Did this make him less of a man after God? No, of course not. We are born into a sinful world full of pain, heartache, heartbreak, and suffering. We are born into a world with corrupted genes. We are born into a world with corrupted and evil ideologies, and all of these things play a role in who we are, and who we become. We suffer in this world, but our hope is not here, it’s in the beyond. For those who truly know Christ, who surrender to Him, to his sovereignty, the Lord and Savior, become citizens of Heaven. We are grafted into the family of Heaven, and in this vaper of a life, we may deal with earthly pains and sufferings. 

I have seen so many pass on from cancer, accidents, drugs, alcohol, suicide, and murder, that I have truly lost count. I have seen first-hand what happens when mental illness is placed on a back burner and ignored. The outcome can be and often is disastrous. Self-injury, the result of a hurting mind is the result of lost and wayward soul. I was lost and wayward, and when the time came the Devil took hold of me, and convinced me of his lies. I fell for the lie that you surely won’t die, yet my life was nearly taken. Jesus, the King of Kings pulled me from the edge of death and saved my wretched self. Jesus stepped in at the moment in my life where I lost it all, and pulled me from the brink of death. A new life was put into my lungs, my damaged lungs and I was given a second chance to life. Does this mean that every day would be easy? Does this mean that I would never suffer from future episodes of depression, or self-doubt? No, of course not. This world is unforgiving, and sin is powerful. Sanctification isn’t something that happens once when you walk an isle and say a prayer. It’s something that takes effort, and sometimes, it’s painful. We must go through the forge, the heat, the smelting process to burn away everything that makes us sinners. We must continue daily to seek the face of God, and repent, understanding the nature of sin, and moving to become righteous. Prayer and what we surround ourselves with are big parts of that process. Are we in God’s word? Are we filling our minds, and our hearts of things that would be pleasing to the Lord? If we fail in this, we open ourselves to the likely possibility of Satan using the world to influence us and create poor decisions, pulling us away from God. 

There is always pain in this life. There is always suffering from others, from loss, from disappointment, and from failure, but this is something to overcome, and push forward. We never, ever have to do this alone. When we are following Jesus we must know that there will always be those to help us bare our crosses. Jesus said we would never be forsaken, and thus we are never left alone. There is a Holy Spirit in us taking up residence in our hearts, if we clean away the clutter and give God a home in our hearts. We have to accept and welcome God into our hearts, and turn ourselves into the Temple God wants to dwell within. This doesn’t mean that he won’t see the dust on the floor, or the sin bouncing around the shadows of the house, but this is God with us as our guide, our confidant, our advisor, our savior, our physician, our Lord. Depression can be debilitating sometimes, but if you picture God by your bedside in your worst of times, God with us in the passenger seat on our way to work, or kids soccer practice, we realize God is with us even in our deepest of struggles. 

There are days that I struggle to get out of bed. There are days when I struggle to sleep. There are days when I feel like a failure. There are days when I know I have failed. There are days when I don’t know what I’m doing. There are days when I let Him down. There are days I believe I put a smile on His face. Scripture, prayer, and Godly friends are what we are given to keep us going. As I’ve heard often recently, the “Owner’s manual” (The Bible) has everything we’d ever need. We are told to gather. We are told to bare one another’s burdens. We are told to pray. We are told to study and take scripture into our hearts. We are told we will suffer. We are told that our suffering will never be in vain. We are told there is hope. If you suffer from mental illness there is hope, in a time when all those illnesses will be washed away and a glorified body awaits you. This life isn’t about living your best life now, it’s about serving God the best we can and building the kingdom of Heaven by sharing his word, and sharing his love to others. Becoming a Christian doesn’t mean your life will be better, and you’ll live on easy street, on the contrary. Living a Christian life is hard. We have hope and Joy, and we continue to get up, and we continue to fight the good fight in the name of Jesus. We never give up fighting for what’s right in the eyes of the Lord, not our own eyes. Satan can cloud our judgment and skew the facts and we must be cautious to what we believe is truth. The lies of Satan are all around us, and we cannot succumb to them. Scripture is the authority we must fall upon. By scripture alone we must see what’s right. Scripture tells us who we are. Scripture tells us where our hope is, and what we must count as joy. Jesus did not climb to the top of Golgotha hill for us to pity ourselves. He did not climb up that long road, for us to give in to the lies Satan will tell. He bled so we would have hope, forgiveness, and a chance of a rebirth. Jesus showed the greatest gift in a choice, a choice to sacrifice himself, his body, his blood, for a bunch of unrighteous sinners. We are not worthy of his sacrifice being enemies of the throne. We deserve death, and we deserve Hell, but we are given grace which is freely given a gift we don’t deserve. Mercy keeping us from death, that we deserve. We may face depression, and bipolar disorder, but you cannot stop love. You cannot bury it, and the Devil himself couldn’t stop love from being triumphant on that third day. Hate and other sins killed Jesus that day, love overcame. We carry our cross, the weight of so much of this world, but one day we can put down that cross and truly live. There is abounding hope in the love of Christ, assuming we accept Him as Lord and Savior. Assuming we repent and put away with all malice our sinful self. 

What’s it like being a Christian living with MDD and PTSD? It’s a journey. God is with me in my greatest of days, and the days I struggle to get out of bed. Jesus is there to listen when I struggle, and he’s there to hear about my greatest of days. Being a Christian isn’t about living this life, it’s about thriving in this life. Thriving for the world looks like being wealthy and powerful. Thriving in this life as a Christian is about being filled with Joy for the Lord and no matter what trials may come, you count it all joy to suffer in the name of Christ. We get one life to live to take that life before the Father and kneel before the judgment seat. Every day we have a choice how we want to live, but the moment our heart stops, no matter how or why, we must answer for everything we’ve done. Jesus gave us himself, and the word, to equip us with everything we would ever need. 

John 10:10 New King James Version

10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

Let us live life in abundant joy knowing that we do not suffer in vain, and that all things the Devil means for evil, Christ will make for the good. Keep living life for the Lord, and do not judge your Joy based on if you’re ‘happy’, but rather knowing in faith what comes next. A life in everlasting peace before God, for those who know Jesus. I am nothing without Jesus, I am dead in my sins, destined to suffer for my crimes against the throne, an enemy of God. In Jesus I find life, in Jesus I find hope, in Jesus I find love, and in Jesus I find the Joy in this life. 

War On The Horizon 

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War On The Horizon 

It’s been over a month since Russia invaded the sovereign country of Ukraine. I have had so many feelings about this, and as my heart breaks for the innocent people of Ukraine, I cannot help but have concern for my own nation and the potential fallout from what may come. Since the dawn of nuclear weapons there has been many who have written about a post-apocalyptic nuclear world. The entire series “Fallout” is based on what happens to the world after people come out of their fallout shelters to find what’s left of their world. The movie “The Book Of Eli” also based on what happens in a post-apocalyptic world. One thing they all have in common is how people treated other people that led up to the destruction of the planet and most of its inhabitance. While I’m not saying we are on the brink of nuclear war, what I am saying is I believe we are a few steps closer today than we were two months ago. 

I have seen the horror unfold on the news as many of you have as well, of all the refugees running, fleeing their country for their lives as Russian forces destroy homes, and non-military targets. I have seen as the Russian forces are being pointed to attack refugee convoys, and civilians. It has broken my heart, and as I continue to find a way to help, I find myself praying daily for this war to end, and those responsible are brought to justice. What would justice be? I honestly feel mans’ justice would be a trial at the world court for war crimes and imprisonment of those held responsible for committing war crimes. I fear justice from the Lord because I think, we are all guilty and complicit. I don’t feel Russia shares complete blame in this. We have sat idol while those who wish harm upon others reigned and grew in strength and power. We have offered deals and money and continued to allow those in power to get rich and build their weapons of destruction. No, we are not innocent in the sufferings of the Ukrainian people. Justice, true justice if delt by our Lord would significantly affect us here at home, and I fear, much like the days of Jeremiah, and Habakkuk, the outcome would not be favorable, for us. 

It’s true that we are on the brink of world change, what that change looks like, and what will it be like when the dust settles, I wish I knew, but sadly I don’t have the gift of prophesy. I will however continue to pray, and continue to go about my day doing the best I can with the time the Lord has given me. Jesus said this, Matthew 6:34 NKJV “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” I know that the day tomorrow will worry for itself, and I remind myself every day that while prudent to plan for the future as we have been taught. You cannot grow food without planning for the harvest. You cannot build a tower without first planning for its construction. While of course we have little control over the future, we have the ability to consider it and plan for it. Planning for the future and doing so blindly is not what we are called to do. In fact, while we plan for the future, plant the seed, tend the grounds, tend the crops, we must pray for rain. Planning for war and having assets to protect ones self is prudent, but expecting events to unfold as we think, is folly. James 4:13-16 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow [a]we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; 14 whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” 16 But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.

It’s not certain what tomorrow will bring. While President Putin may launch a full-scale attack on the US, or a cyber-attack, or some other incident, as we were ill prepared for the attacks on 9/11, I say it’s prudent to prepare for yet not worry about tomorrow. We all have an expiration date. We cannot stay in this world one moment longer than our appointed time. Are we liken to the virgins in Matthew 25, that poorly planned? Do we expect the gates of Heaven be opened for us, yet we have not truly counted the cost and given Christ our hearts? Do we have just enough oil to make it look good, to just get by, or do we fill our hearts with the oil, the light of the world, the Gospel, preparing us for tomorrow, as well as today. We must not just prepare our hearts with the oil to fuel us beyond today, but plan for the toils ahead. Jesus told us there will be hardships in the world, and we must prepare ourselves for them. Mankind is a violent race, cruel, and sinful, and when unleashed, justice comes such as the Babylonians to Israel. We must be ready for the coming judgments and while this is not to cause fear or panic, Justice is what we deserve. True justice is our death, and Grace is being saved despite what we deserve. Mercy is saving us from what we deserve, while Grace is the gift freely given that we don’t deserve. Do we understand the difference? Do we understand the gifts given to us by Jesus, and the gift of Jesus from the Father? We have squandered them, and let those of idol worship, heathens, take over and run freely in the land, as Sadam before us, as Israel before us as seen in Judges 21: 25 In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes. We are at a dangerous tipping point I fear. Will judgment come today, or years and years for now, I do not know, but I do know, it is better to be prepared, storing up grain for the famine, preparing the soldiers to defend the castle, preparing for the inevitable hardships. If left unprepared those who have squandered their time will not manage crisis well. Those who do not study and know scripture will not have a full lantern for the day the Bridegroom comes. Who are we? Are we ready for war on our doorstep? Are we ready to serve with our full hearts? We want a savior, but do we want the Lord? We are comfortable being saved, but are we comfortable being surrendered to Jesus? There is a time for peace, and a time for war, a time to live and a time to die, and in all these things is the Lords time. The United States may not always be the United States if we are not vigilant and protect this land and hold to the principles in which we were founded. Whether we are, or are not the US of old, whether we fall to a foreign power, or those from within, we Christians have a duty, and an obligation to stand upon the Word, and hold fast the principles given to us by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Do we have faith like Daniel in the Lions Den? Do we bravely go to the Furnace in defiance of Mans laws? Are we going to stand on God’s word, or kneel, bow down in fear of man? Sin is not something in a vacuum. Sin ripples through our lives, and through time. Sin affects not only ourselves, and those around us, but those in our future. Sin can very possibly affect our children, and our children’s children. We cannot go on sinning like we have a license to do so. Sins carry weight and dire consequences. Are we ready for what may come because of them? 

Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. And as I have stated in the past, the philosophy to live by, “Make a plan, execute the plan, expect the plan to go off the rails, throw away the plan.” (Snart, The Flash)  Go forth and be bold in the word of God. 

The Truth Is

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The days tick by since I heard from you last. I check in because I know, I know the struggles you’ve had. I send a message, then another. I finally realize you’d seen them, but still, I wait for what seems to be forever, and still no reply. How many times must I wait? How many times will we talk about how it makes me feel? How many times will I wait and wonder, wait and question, wait and think it was me? How many times will I be made to feel it’s my fault? How many times will I be made to think I expect too much? I have spent a lifetime being made to feel I wasn’t good enough. I have spent a lifetime being left behind, tossed aside. I have spent a lifetime being told I just wasn’t good enough. 

The truth is…. The truth is, I have spent so much time thinking the worst of myself. While it’s true I deserve Hell, and I have never and will never be good enough to grace the gates of Heaven, the truth is, while I am not worth saving, I am saved by grace, not of my own value for the sake of having value, but I am valued because God the Father values me. If God can see my value, and see my heart, and you, all of you, cannot, the problem is not with me, but sadly with your own hearts. How many hours have I devoted to sharing love with you, to share God’s grace, and hope with you? How many times have I watched the self-destructive path? How many times have I heard the apology and the promise of change? How many broken promises have I heard? How many times have I cried over loss, one after another? How many times have I beat myself down over feeling I was never good enough? 

The truth is…. The truth is, it’s been too often. I have forgotten the nature of our hearts. I have forgotten the true place we belong, and the true master in which we worship. Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” We fall upon the worlds stage and we give in to the lusts of our heart. We follow the world and we obey the master the Devil in such things. Those who do not know Christ serve the Devil in his ways. Some people want to use you. Some people want nothing to do with you. Some want power over you. What comes from within? What lives within us all? Mark 7:21-22 21”For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, 22Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:” We are foolish creatures, we are selfish creatures, we are blind sinful creatures. 

The truth is…. The truth is, it isn’t your fault. Sinners gonna sin, and for me to expect so much from someone still plugged in to this wretched world, I cannot expect change. I cannot expect behavior that is against that which is born out of evil and wickedness to change. See, it isn’t you, no, not just you reading this, but so, so many people. This message goes out to all. How do we treat others? How do we send messages without sending messages/ Do we give one excuse after another? Perfection is not what’s asked for. Apologies are no longer being sought. Forgivness is what I offer here. I can’t sit around and hope and wait for change while I am the one hurt over and over, expecting this next time will be different. I can’t sit around wondering why I wasn’t good enough. I can’t sit and wonder what I had done wrong for you to not want me around anymore. I have been broken so many times I wonder what it is I feel now. I can remember feeling so deeply about things in my life, and now the scar tissue, the wounds surrounding my heart and mind make even the most obvious responses seem strange, far from me. The person I was seems gone, and lost forever, but my hope is in Jesus, and one day, I will be healed from years of neglect. I have a long way to go before I recognize myself, but I cannot hold on to friendships that aren’t trying to hold on to me. I shall not burn a bridge, and my door will always be available, but like a busy party, I shall quietly let myself out. I will walk away, and I shall attempt to hold my head high. The Holidays are hard, and feelings are like a live wire, sensitive to the touch. I turn my collar to the cold, as I walk away from the frigid feeling deep within. The bright son awaits to warm me, to touch my heart, and heal the wounds within. No longer can I be held captive to the lies of the Devil. No longer can I listen to the voice of fear deep within. The Devil has lied to me my whole life. The trials I faced, the hurt inflicted upon me, the hurt that is still being inflicted, I cannot allow. I cannot voluntarily take upon more cuts that are not mine to bare. A fool I have been thinking I can fix all those whom I encounter, that walk-in darkness. A fool I thought I could be a hero, a white knight. Thankless, and indeed pride, I shall let go of, and humble myself before the Lord of Lords, and beg for a sentence deserved to be commuted. In the light I saw tomorrow, a future not what I deserve, but rather one of hope, and not the darkness all around. The cancer grew deep inside, and I seek the physician to remove this sickness from me, and replace it with a new heart. 

The truth is… The truth is, I forgive the hurt, the pain, the careless neglect. The truth is, I let it go, and I forgive, not because we are deserving of forgiveness, but I trust as Jesus said “forgive them for they do not know what they do.” So, as my Lord has forgiven me, as I shall forgive you. Peace and love be upon you, and I pray for the light to find you, and pull you from the dark hold you are in. I pray Satan’s grasp upon you is broken, and the light of the Son, Jesus, makes the demons retreat in terror, and you are set free. I pray, and I pray, in love. The truth is… The truth is Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. 

A collection

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Busy:

Busy busy our lives are

So fast goes the clock, so fast the sun moves till it’s dark.

Where did the time go, all the work, the day slips by.

We run and run, appointments, and clean, eat, and work.

Ding goes the phone, a message to glance at. But busy busy, no time.

Sleep comes, and flies by.

Jingle jingle goes the alarm. Check the phone, and off we go.

No time to reply, we must go go go.

Days go by, and busy still, so so busy.

Scrolling through facebook, post this, post post that.

Bills, and work, cook, and sleep.

Buzz buzz, the phone says a message. A glance, but to busy to reply.

Tick Tock:

The time tick by, work, and t-ball, lunch, and laundry, post post to Facebook, online for a bit, then off to sleep. Days days, and weeks to months. How quickly it goes, but all the days, and nights, who’s over there? Who’s on the other end? Tick-tock we can’t go back, the time goes by, who’s there? Ring ring, goes the phone, no answer, no answer. Too busy, or unimportant….. ring ring, but silent, empty, no answer, no nothing.

PSA: Please remember that not everyone is vocal about their struggles. Some struggle in silence. As a nation we don’t like to talk about mental health very much. We don’t like to talk about depression, bi-polar, anxiety, etc. Some people truly suffer in silence. They may go to work, go to their kids games, even have a social media presence, but please know, millions truly do suffer in silence. Be kind, tell your friends you love them. Tell your family how much you appreciate them. Keep showing up and speaking love into the lives of those you interact with. Life’s far too short for us to simply stay in our lane with blinders on.

Faith:

Faith doesn’t always come easily. When times are good, it’s simple to be thankful and happy. When times are bad however, how quickly do we loose our faith in God. We faultier when relationships end, when sickness comes, or when a loved one is taken from us. It is in these times I myself have fallen short of the cross. I have lost sight of who the Father is. Anger, frustration, confusion, and so many other emotions can cause us to forget that Gods will is perfect. God is sovereign. Will we understand? No probably not. But we live in a fallen world. We live in a place that was corrupted and remains corrupted by the blackness of sin. Jesus lost his earthly father at a young age, so we know he understands our pains. Jesus was forced to leave home at the age of two. He lived abroad away from his people in a land not of his own. He understands our sufferings. Faith built on Jesus is built on the rock. It’s foundation should be strong. Do not let this world, do not let Satan, fracture your foundation or tear you away from God the father. Hold strong through the storms. You are not alone in your struggles.

Sometimes:

Sometimes people move on, they don’t call anymore, or write, or text. Sometimes this comes gradually, or all at once. Does this hurt? Sure it does. Sometimes people change, they change their views, their priorities, their opinions, their faith, does it hurt? Sure. Sometimes people you once knew, turn their backs and walk away. Sometimes people talk behind your back. But, sometimes there are friends who stick by you through thick and thin. Sometimes a friend calls out of the blue to just see how you’re doing. Sometimes a friend sends a card, or a text just to say hello. No matter where you are, on any of these things, remember that while we were but sinners, enemies to God, Jesus gave his life to pay the ransom for our sins, our transgressions. WE cannot hope to be perfect, and nor can we expect sinful people to be so. People hurt people because we are hurting. Our sin drives us to make horrible choices, sinful, selfish, dark choices. It is in our sins we find the failings in others, but also in ourselves. While we will be hurt by others, it is vital to our own spiritual health, to forgive those who trespass against us. We must forgive as our savior asked for our forgiveness to what we had done. In our short comings we must fall on our knees, repent, turn from our sinful ways, and beg God for forgiveness. We must never forget what was done on the cross for us, and as such, the next time someone turns from you, walks away, or just isn’t the friend they should be, forgive, and be gracious. Love all, and pray for your enemies. Never loose sight of the one relationship that matters most, Jesus loves you, and was a willing sacrifice so we might live.

Starving:

I eat and yet I am hungry. I drink, and yet I thirst. The addict gets their fix but a hunger, a craving that comes back, time and time again. We are driven by our sin, the lusts of the flesh. We want the worldly things, from women, to power, money, toys, fame, and whatever else you can think of. But it’s more than that isn’t it? It’s wanting to be liked. It’s wanting to be accepted. It’s not wanting to be alone. There is so much of this world we hold onto, but it leaves us what? Wanting more. It reminds of the pirates from “Pirates of the Caribbean” and in it Barbossa says this “But the more we gave them away, the more we came to realize. The drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, nor the company in the world would harm or slake our lust. We are cursed men, Miss Turner. Compelled by greed, we were. But now, we are consumed by it.” Aren’t we consumed by our very sin? In fact, Jesus says this John 4:13-14 “13 Jesus answered, Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” Let us never grow weary of taking in the Holy Spirit. Let us never forget what and who is with us every day. Let us never forget what the world has to offer is but temporary, but that from God is eternal.

Silence Shattered

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The silence shattered by the sound of silence. The raindrops of thoughts and feelings hitting the tin roof inside your mind. The quiet shattered with no peace. The lost, the pull of the world, teasing and tempting medicine. What makes the pain go away? What makes the cold bearable? The eyes that burn with what the world offers. How can one fight? How can one turn their backs on so much? The sounds of the self medicated ? The sounds of the drugs that pull at your veins. The sounds of your tongue craving the drink. How do we turn from the cold loneliness of the empty bed? Just one night of lust, just one night of puffs. Just one jacket from the store, just one more hand of cards, just one more. The lies planted in the brain, still remains, within the sounds of lies. In the cold and damp, the shiver in the night.

Do you not know the lies grows, the cancer spreads, it cannot be contained. The hurt, the pain, the suffering we self medicate turns to rot we leave inside us. The darkness, a cancer grows.

I am dead in my darkness. I am dead with no hope. The darkness spreads suffocating me. The waves crashing over me. The hope is gone, the solitude inside my mind filled by voices, the world calling at my cravings. The screams bellow inside my mind suffocated, the air taken from my lungs. On the outside calm and cool, who would know? Who’s gonna know the turmoil inside? Fear, doubt, disbelief, weights that hold. What if there is no God, or Jesus? What if this is all there is? I don’t need that God, the god of rules. I don’t need anyone. I walk alone, I need no one.

The serpent whispers the lies, the temptation seems like good fruit to eat. The waves crash upon me, lie after lie. Worse the lies I tell myself. I cannot swim, I cannot feel, I cannot see my way out.

So many lost in their sins. So many lost in doubts and the path they walk. How can we escape? How can we find a better way? Jesus. Jesus is not just a way of life but the only way to the father. Jesus is the replacement who took our punishment for our imperfect sinful nature. He gave up his life for us. He paid the ransom for our souls. The whole inside our hearts we try to fill, the pain we have, the hopelessness we feel, Jesus heals. We need not walk alone if we let Jesus in. We can have hope, and we can have the one true light, to shine upon the monsters inside. We need not suffer for nothing, but rather allow Jesus in to make us better, to show us a different way, a better way not within the sick and diseased darkness of this world. Jesus, the only way to the father, the path to our father in Heaven, rather than the prince of darkness. The struggles are real, the pain of sin is real, but there is real hope. Jesus, the friend of sinners, the light of the world, the great physician, the perpetuation of our wretchedness. Let go of the fear, doubts, and disbelief for the truth of Christ. Trade pain for hope. Hate for love. Anguish, for peace.

Ticktock

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Ticktock ticktock goes the clock. Time inches ever closer. What will they find, when they look inside? Narrowing narrowing. The curve is wrong, it’s all wrong. Big bulge little bulge, pushing through. It tingles and hurts, but what will they find? A needle here, and some fluid there. Big risks, little risks, but what will they find? So many thoughts, today, tomorrow. How to manage the storm inside. Ticktock ticktock goes the clock. The clock of time, time stalking it’s pray. I hear it now, the clock, the shuddered footsteps creeping behind. Look what you’ve done to me, you all corrupted time. The fall into sin, the broken, the pain. Stalking me down the hall, just waiting for me to fall. Ticktock ticktock, matches with my body, a little snap, crackle, pop. Run the race, endurance, it never stops. Run run, faster, it comes for us. Number my days, to grow in wisdom, the mind sharp, the body frail. Oh Lord help me today, and tomorrow. Faith I have, a purpose for me. We all expire, today, tomorrow, we never know. Run run towards the light. Ticktock ticktock, I won’t give up the fight.

I Lost Myself

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I lost myself

We all struggle sometimes. Struggle of the heart, struggle of temptations, struggle with the breaking of the body. Struggle with sin. The world is dark, but we have forgotten. The world seems lost, but again we forget. 

I have wandered in faith, unsure where to go. The world attacks, a never ending, relentless barrage of catapulted rocks, and arrows, sent from the dark army of the Devil. My armor holds, the shield deflects and absorbs the arrows. 

The Devil is cunning, swimming around, stalking His prey. As strong as we think we are, it is an illusion. We are nothing without Christ. We are nothing without the protection of the Holy Spirit. We only remain strong, as long as we are with Christ. Christ said, 

Matthew 7:24-27 “24 Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: 25 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.

26 “But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: 27 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”

We mustn’t build our foundation on sand. When the Devil finds a crack or weakness in the Armor, he exploits it expertly. How there have been so many who’ve been swallowed and devoured by false teaching, fake doctrine, imposters, who have infiltrated and begun to spread like the darkness they are from. 

From attacks over all the land, there is not just spiritual attacks, but those of a physical nature. If Satan cannot attack a person’s faith, shall he not then attack your body? When your body is struck, the pain comes, and drags you down. Does a depression set down upon you? 

Psalm 91:1-4 “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;

My God, in Him I will trust.”

3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the [a]fowler

And from the perilous pestilence.

4 He shall cover you with His feathers,

And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and [b]buckler.

The Lord is gracious. The Lord is sovereign, The Lord is Love. Depression falls upon me as my body breaks down. The Lord shall restore me, not in this life, but in a body renewed. I shall not fear tomorrow, but yes, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. The physical pain is a constant, as so is prayer to the Lord Almighty. I shall take refuge under his protection, and trust his will, will be done. Pain in this life is temporary, faith, abounds a new body, a body to come. 

Isaiah 41:10 New King James Version

10 Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

We all have struggles and pain, some different than others, but nevertheless, we all endure the storms. No one said being a Christian was easy, no, in fact, we were told the opposite. The church tends to believe if you have some kind of depression or other, that you just don’t have enough faith. This could not be further from the truth. The church of today is starting to put away stigma’s of old. We mustn’t forget that the mind is something we don’t truly understand. How does a physical injury affect the mind? 

When I ruptured the disc in my back I maintained a fairly positive attitude. In recent months however, as pain has begun to affect everything I do, I find myself harboring ill feelings. I find myself struggling to stay positive. I find myself trying to not be frustrated. I would not say I am without hope, but the thought of being my age, and having long term mobility and pain, does not stir positive feelings. 

We know that characters from scripture struggled with both physical and emotional conditions. While it’s easy to lose one’s self in those dark places, we must remember that as Christians, our hope lays beyond death. Our hope is not to live our best life today, but that our rewards wait for us in Heaven. I am by no means saying this to make lite of someone’s depression, or physical detriments, instead, that we may have hope. 

Just because we get lost in ourselves, doesn’t mean we are lost. God knows where we are, and all we have to do is turn to the Father, and he will guide us out of the darkness. We must not build our foundations upon the sand in hopes it will never sink. We must build our foundation upon the rock. As Christ said to Peter this is the rock I will build my church. We can deny, and doubt, and turn away, but that doesn’t mean God won’t use us. Have faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, and he will shine brightly for you. 

Good Thing God Loves Me

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Good thing God loves me.

I’ve spent quite a while praying about this, and I keep coming back to the same thought process. It’s something I’ve spent time praying over and I have come to realize, I’m blessed to have Gods grace and love. Scripture tells us we are dead in our sin. That means we are in a coffin and not drowning out at sea looking for a safety ring to be thrown to us. We don’t often like to think of ourselves as dead but in reality we are serving a life sentence. In the end comes our judgment, our sentence. Do we die, or live. See, justice was dealt and Jesus took the punishment for those who would seek him. For everyone else, well, the future doesn’t look so bright for them. The thing that I have struggled with is the works because of faith. Scripture tells us that we will be recognized as those who follow Christ by the fruit of our works. Not that we are saved in works, but the new creation in Christ we are compelled to do works in the name of Jesus. The thing that gets me is how fickle we humans are. Let me give you a scenario and I’ll let you decide. I will preface this by saying this is only one side of the story.

Here’s a young man, who meets a young lady. They fall in love and have a wonderful relationship. That relationship though romantically fades over time, the friendship lasts. The young boy goes into the military and becomes a man. Through the time spent serving he would buy the lady a car, pay off bills, and through the years be as close a friend as possible. Even so much as becoming a godfather to her first born.

Now, you would think or at least I would think, that would create a strong bond, and a desire to keep a friendship alive? Well, I was wrong.

This adds to a long line of people coming and going. The sad truth is we all fall short of the glory of God, but that doesn’t change the hurt. It isn’t that faith was placed in people, but more like the expectation that your car will start in the morning. Scripture tells us to never grow weary of doing good, but I say, sometimes that’s incredibly difficult to do. Love is one of those things that If we could truly do it, than we wouldn’t have conflict. Scripture tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. That being the case, If we truly loved we wouldn’t hurt people nearly as much. But alas we are lowly, wretched sinners. It’s hurtful to see people you care about leave. I’m not sure what’s worse knowing why someone leaves, or being ghosted. Sadly, as this event plays out over and over in my life, I’m left watching this rerun over and over again. It never gets easier. The one saving grace is where I am with my faith. I turn to the father in prayer and ask for their peace. Not knowing the why, all I can do is pray for them, and pray for healing. As I eluded to earlier, it’s hard not growing bitter. It’s even harder not to press these feelings onto new friendships. I don’t believe that eventually everyone leaves, I can’t, because truthfully that would be emotionally taxing, draining, and cruel.

I’m not sure why I’ve had so many people walk out of my life. I’m not sure if it’s me, or if I attract a certain type of person. Either way, all I can do is drop to my knees and pray about it. Pray for peace of mind, and a healing heart. I can’t and won’t lie and say I’m alright, but I can say I will be, perhaps someday. It’s one thing to say that I’m used to being hurt by people leaving, and the feeling of abandonment goes away, but that would not be true. While I am used to it, the pain doesn’t get any better. And it takes everything I have plus some to fight the urge to put up walls around my heart and mind, to protect myself from people. Why get close to people, or let anyone in, if they are just going to leave? It’s a valid question but one that cannot sit on my heart. I cannot place the sins of others, upon people I’ve never met before. It is not right to place a burden upon someone for the acts of another. Sadly people do this all the time.

I know I am a sinner, and I know I’m saved by grace through faith in Christ. Ultimately it’s love. The love of God that shines down on me, even though I don’t deserve it. I can only hope one day, I’ll find my life was worth something. My love language, one of them is affirmation. Something we don’t often get in our lives. This is a driving factor for me I’d say, that if I can arrive in Heaven, and find that my works in the name of Christ were pleasing, that the Father will one day look at me and say well done, that would make all of the pain worth while. My heart today is heavy. This I cannot deny. Peace is found in the love of Christ and that’s where I must turn.

I’m Shameless

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I’m Shameless

Growing up, I often kept my faith to myself. I was already facing constant discrimination and bullying because of my economic class, I didn’t want to face more degradation, and belittling. I spent many years secretly praying, and worshiping without friends knowing. I placed so much emphasis on what others thought, that I hid what should have been most important. I concealed what I should have been screaming from the hilltops for all the world to hear. 

The sad truth is, for much of my young life, I prayed not of Gods glory, but rather his mistake. I prayed to God to let me die for a long time. I was miserable for so many years I couldn’t see anything else. I couldn’t understand why Jesus would allow me to be in such misery. I couldn’t understand why I was created the way I was. I often cried myself to sleep just wishing I wouldn’t wake up again. I prayed that the Lord would take me home, and I didn’t care how. After 1997 I renewed my cries to end my suffering. God it seemed had something else in mind. 

Starting in 1995 I began bouncing around where I lived, and as God would have it, I would eventually find myself and my path, but not one of smooth trails, but rather thistles, twists, turns, and more heartache I ever thought I could face. The truth is, I was a very broken person, and not knowing or understanding the true nature of God, I had no idea how to manage what I was feeling. It wasn’t till my adult years, and after a significant, life threatening trauma, that I would learn the true love of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

After a life threatening gunshot wound, I would nearly die in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. I would be somewhere between life and death, and in that moment, hearing the words of God, “YOU’RE FORGIVEN!” I came to understand. This life is a journey, one that prepares us, forges us, for what’s to come. This life is about loving Jesus, and loving the other humans that are also on their own journey. Scripture tells us ““Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.” If the gate to Heaven is so narrow, then every moment in this life matters. How much do we have to truly hate our neighbors, that we shall not share the saving grace of Jesus. As the Apostles before us died for their faith, what will we lose for Jesus? Do we keep the light of eternity hidden under a bushel? If we are afraid of the world, and what they may say, or do, should we not be more afraid of standing before the Judgment Seat of the Father? What can the world do to us, when eternity is on the line? Who should come to the father who has denied his Love for others and the teaching we have at our fingertips? Do we prefer the acceptance of the world over that of an Eternal Hell? I call to you my brothers and sisters, do not sit in this life upon the word of God, but rather, stand boldly and share it. 

As my life nearly ended in my own sorrow, I found reformed perception, and we cannot be ashamed of our faith. We cannot deny Christ as Peter did. Peter saw the error of his ways, and going from denying Christ three times as prophesied by his Lord, he was crucified upside down, as not to die in the same manner as his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Are we willing to stand up and be bold in our faith? 

Going through so much as a child, and seeing war as a young adult, and then surviving two marital affairs that came with tremendous heart break, being forced to rebuild multiple times, I have had my life compared to that of Job. Didn’t the Lord restore Job and I have seen in my own life the Lord restored to me more than I had before. The Lord restored my faith, rebuilt me, gave me meaning in this life. The Lord saved a wretch like me, and gave me direction. While the struggles in life will assuredly continue, I can face tomorrow with assurance that I am not alone in my fight. As Paul said, he ran the race, and fought the good fight. Paul who gave up everything for the name of Christ, who gave up wealth, prestige, peace, notoriety, friends, and family, he couldn’t be silent in the truth. See, we often look at truth in today’s society as fluid, but Paul shows us, that it isn’t a fluid truth, but rather one truth. To give up a lush life, for one of pain, suffering, struggles, and ultimately death, one does not do this lightly or for a lie. Paul could not stay in his sinful ways, hunting and murdering those who followed the way of Jesus. Paul had to acknowledge the truth, and knowing what it would mean, he would stand before man and boldly proclaim the name of Christ. He would take the beatings, the stoning’s, the jailing’s, and ultimately beheading, for the name of Christ. We stand here today afraid of being mocked and ridiculed, but what is true persecution. Jesus tells us we will be persecuted, but I call to you Christian, do not be blind to the world, but open your eyes to see where we are, and where we are going. Jesus shows us that persecutions will come, and while here in the U.S. we are headed towards persecution, in many parts of the world persecution means certain death. Here we hide because we want to be accepted, but accepted into what? 

We are so afraid to share our testimony, or our experiences of how Jesus has changed us, we are not glorying Jesus as we should. Having been there myself, surrounded by those who would laugh, and point fingers, I spent years running from the truth. Do not be afraid my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ. Stand tall, and stand firm on the truth, and do not be conformed to this world. Do not allow this world to influence, to change, or alter scripture. Do not change the word of Christ to fit into the world. Scripture is clear that we are not to be conformed to the world. We must stand firm on the Word of God, which needs no alterations. Everything we do, needs to be through the lens of Christ. Everything we do must be held to scripture. Everything we say and do will be held accountable before the only Judge, and we will have no excuse. When the world says one thing, point to your Bible which is truth. As Garth Brooks once said, “Son, it ain’t what you’re drivin’, or the clothes that you wear, material possessions won’t matter up there. Someday in heaven when the angels all sing, these rags that I’m wearin will be fit for a king.” It isn’t the material possessions, the fame, the prestige, the acceptance of the world, that will save you. It’s better to be on the outs with the world, than to be on the outs with Jesus. 

This world is changing, and moving into a dangerous direction. If you’re going to change the world, start with the person in the mirror. Follow truth, and realize the blessings God has done for you. Do not stray from scripture, the truth, but instead accept it, that needs no changing. My heart was set free from this world, and has been grafted with the Holy Spirit. Mend your broken heart with the Blood of Christ. Take that transfusion, and let his Blood heal you, replacing the disease we know as sin. Let Christ be your great physician, and let us heal this world, by sharing the TRUE love of Jesus Christ, and his infallible, unwavering, words of truth. If 12 nobody’s can change the world, who stood tall in their faith, imagine what we can do, if we stand on His truth. God Bless.