Tag: hardship

Years End 2023

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Years End 2023

This has been a year of ups and downs. This year I have had some wonderful memories, but also deep hurt. I am happy to say that in April I was married to my best friend. I had the most memorable wedding I could have ever dreamt of. It was full of all things nerd, from Star Trek, to Star Wars, Power Rangers, Lord of The Rings, light saber fights, Titanic, a little Renaissance and elves. It was pretty amazing if I do say so myself, having planned the whole thing. I know, weird for a guy to plan a wedding, but we all have to step up sometimes. The honeymoon was amazing and different to say the least. 

While it has been amazing to have my wife here from the Philippines, I wish I could say this year has been a honeymoon type year, but it has not. From troubles over the summer, to health issues, to financial struggles, to troubles with the tent (that we live in) and then planning for a surgery, it has been a tough year. 

Just a week ago I received a call from my surgeon and the surgery was canceled, and not for a good reason. The surgery would be far more extensive, but because of that, it has to wait, likely for several or more years. Meaning there is nothing we can do to fix the problem now. I have to face the fact my neck is really messed up, and the only fix is not something we can do now. 

Then, there’s the loss of my beloved Cooper. He was 11 years old, and trained as a service dog. While he dropped out of training, he became an amazing therapy dog. He was beloved by the whole family. He was the gentlest, and soft, squishy dog out there. He was very similar to a Squishmellow. His loss has been devastating to me above everyone else. His loss has hurt me more than the rest of the family. While it’s only been a few weeks since his loss, it’s still very near to my broken heart. 

While there have been hardships, I can say God has shown up in a mighty way. God works things out, and while I don’t understand much of what’s transpired this year, I know that God is in control, God is sovereign and as scripture says, Psalm 24:18 “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit.”

It seems fitting that today of all days, I am sick. While this year has had some great moments, sadly it has been far outweighed by the hardships. That being said, that’s not always a bad thing. Trials are tough, but it is in these times we need to turn to God. James 1:2-4 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” I can say with absolute certainty, I have not missed anything this year. While I have often struggled on my veteran’s income to make ends meet, the Lord has provided. I have struggled with a great many things this year, but I have never gone without shelter, or food, friends, and most importantly I have not gone without my lovely wife, my beautiful Filipina bride. She has been such a blessing in my life, a beautiful gift of God’s perfect will for my life. 

I have a great many prayers for this upcoming 2024, and the biggest of those prayers is that my wife continues to grow with the Holy Spirit. It’s that she knows God more, and has a closer relationship to Him. I pray that my family remains safe, happy and healthy. I pray that my wife and I continue to grow together as we put God first and as we get closer to God, we shall grow closer in our marriage. Scripture is clear that God is always the priority. We know as a God-fearing couple, that God comes first before each other. I know that may sound strange to some, but when you look at a triangle if God is at the top, and her and I are each of the bottom points, as we grow closer to God, the distance between us grows closer also. I cannot speak highly enough of my wife and how wonderful and amazing and caring she is. 

In recent months I have worked with Wounded Warrior Project, and I am thankful that I was selected to be a peer mentor for the male Project Odyssey. I have also begun to spend a great deal of time with a local veterans group that does a ton of projects and outreach for our community. I pray that 2024 allows me more time to reach out to more people, share the gospel, and my prayer is to continue to serve, to take the time God has given me and serve more faithfully. I pray that my wife and I study together more, and I can be faithful in my own personal studies. I pray the Lord uses me to grow His kingdom. I pray that the Lord blesses me with a positive outcome for my fight to get my social security benefits so I may better provide for my family. I pray that as things change, I may be able to find a home that isn’t a canvas one, as I still nearly 3 years now, live in a tent. I also pray the Lord continues grow my blog, and I pray the Lord will bless me with the money to get the podcast equipment I need to work on it. Most of all, I just ask that the Lord be with me. I am thankful for Jesus and the sacrifice He made on Cavalry for me. In a whisper thousands of angels were at his disposal and he could have chosen to wipe out the entirety of the earth. Considering how poorly the creator of the universe was treated when he came to this place, when he stepped out of eternity, and came into time. Jesus humbled himself to be born of a woman. He humbled himself to step out of glory and put on flesh. He was born not in an Inn, or at home, or in a palace, but rather in a place where the animals laid, and he himself was laid in a manger, a feeding trough, and covered in swaddling cloth, just simple pieces of cloth ripped from clothing to cover him. Jesus showed us grace and mercy we did not deserve then, and do not deserve now. Jesus was rejected in his own home town of Nazareth. He was rejected by the same people he came to save, and he hung on that agonizing tree he created, to be the spotless lamb for us. He took our place, a sentence of death and Hell we deserved. He did not give us what we deserve and as such, we need to do what is right, and that is to commit ourselves to the Lord. Not just as fire insurance in a savior, but in Lord over all creation. 

Have we humbled ourselves to Jesus as Lord? Have we taken down our selfish pride and need to be in control, and replaced it with selfless service to the Lord Jesus? As we step from 2023 to 2024, the change in the calendar doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, but let us start the year off right. Let us remember the reason we are here and that is to worship and serve a rightness and Holy God. To follow Jesus if he is a lie, you lose nothing. BUT if he is the TRUTH, which he is, and there is plenty of evidence to prove he is, if you do not follow Jesus, you lose everything. Consider the evidence, consider the nature of the Bible, the truth of the life of Jesus, the testimony of lives changed through the work of Christ, and know that He is the Way, the Truth, the Life, and no one gets to the father but through Him. Jesus did not come to be a way to the Father. He did not come so you could live a life your own way, covered in your own sin, and think of God’s law as mere guidelines. If scripture says it’s a sin, then no amount of time or cultural change, will alter the fact that sin is the same yesterday, as it is today, as it will be tomorrow. Sin is treason against a Holy and Righteous God, and must be treated as such. Grace is not justification to sin, and no amount of feelings, will change what sin is. Scripture says to reject sin, so hate your own sin, and flee from it, not get comfy with it and just accept it as normal or right. There is no justification for living in sin. Jesus came to fulfil the law of Moses, to be the substitution for our sins, to rule from the right hand of the father, being our mediator, our high priest, and when Satan goes before the throne, the great accuser and points out our failings, Jesus’s blood covers us, and the father only sees the blood of his son.  Let us start off this next year on the right foot. Let us know Jesus, and more importantly, let us live a life in which Jesus knows and sees us. There will be many people in Hell who knew scripture, who said they knew Jesus, but their heart was in the wrong place. Let us know who He is as Lord, and what can we do to serve Him, not to receive anything in return, but to worship Him because He deserves worship. We do not worship and give so that we may be blessed in return. It is not if you are faithful God will give you everything you want, and if you tithe you will receive bountiful wads of cash in return. If you pray and are faithful enough you will be healed, because none of that is scriptural. 

I leave you with this, 

The FIVE SOLA’s

Sola Gratia- Saved by Grace Alone

Sola Fida – Through Faith Alone

Solus Christus- In Christ Alone

Sola Scriptuara – According to Scripture Alone

Soli Deo Gloria – For the Glory of God Alone 

We are not saved by works, or traditions, or how much we tithe. We are saved by grace, through faith, in the finished works of Christ, according to the word of God (Scripture) and in the Glory of God alone. Have a glorious new year and may God bring blessings upon you, may he create in you a new heart made of flesh. May you be a new creation, and may the Holy Spirit come to you so you may worship and know God. 

Happy New Year 2024. 

September 1, the Month of Hell

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September 1, the Month of Hell

No matter the time that goes by some memories stay engrained. There are times in our lives when the world seems foreign, days that defy what we know to be true. We have our normal days where the small things that happen still fall within ‘normal’. We have so few days in our lives that are so far out in left field that no matter if we want to or not we remember. For those people who survived 9/11 in New York City they will never forget. For those who survived Boston, San Bernardino, Paris, the list goes on, they will forever have those images in their heads. As for me, my month, the month where it seems everything goes wrong, is September. September is the month of so much death, destruction, loss, and hopelessness it’s tough to see beyond the 30 days. The 30 days pain that come every year, makes the tears flow to the floor.

The only thing we can do sometimes is count the breaths from our chest. Sometimes the world is so heavy we can’t take a step, but we can take a breath. How we make it through anniversaries of such pain, of such destruction is to find support, find friends to be with, find distractions, but take a moment to recount the event, remember it, but focus on the fact you made it through. That horrible car accident, that loss of a loved one, that near death experience, or loss of your dream job, whatever the case may be just remember God got you through it. Whatever your going through right now just remember if you aren’t through it yet, God is pulling you through as we speak.

We may love to take a whole month and hibernate, forget it ever happened, sadly we all know that’s not at all possible. As the song goes, if we wanna make a change, take a look at yourself in a mirror. How can we make a change when we can’t see the light? How can we make a change when we can’t feel the hope? How do we make a change when we can’t get up? There’s no easy answer. Some days the world is going to feel too strong. All you can do is hold on tight. The pain hurts us deep into our very bones, but when we can’t see the light, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Recently I watched a movie for the second time and as I thought about it I couldn’t help but draw similarities to an actual event and how I was feeling. The Finest Hours a story about a tanker out in the Atlantic that broke in half during a horrible snowstorm. The Coast Guard was not equipped to have two tankers break apart in the same day. While the crew of the SS Pendleton struggled to find a way to keep the ship from sinking, Bernie Webber takes just 3 men on little more then a lifeboat out to try and find and rescue the abandoned crew. The story is based on the actual event that occurred on February 18th 1952. In what seemed like impossible odds the grace of God was present. So many things went wrong and yet most the survivors and Webber’s crew made it back alive. The biggest thing was Webber’s little boat lost the compass. In the middle of the ocean with no compass in the middle of the storm they still managed to find their way back. What do we do when we can’t seem to find our compass?

Battling the memories of the past, nightmares that like clockwork start to take numbers to invade my mind. When we don’t have the compass to point our path, and when the darkness isn’t lit by a single light what’s left to walk by? Faith is sometimes all we have. Faith is not always easy to have but if we are to trust in the Lord walking by faith even when we can’t see, our broken hearts, our broken spirits can be lifted up and healed by the Lord. In the month of September throughout my life I’ve lost my best friend who died unexpectedly, I’ve nearly died in an ambush in Iraq, I was shot and nearly died, I watched the love of my life walk away from our marriage and didn’t look back, I lost my job I worked so very hard for, I watched friends walk away and never looked back, and as I’ve lived only a short while on this planet, I have lived this life growing ever more afraid of what the month of September had to offer. Other tragedies have befallen me in this tragic month, and the fear I have of the month seems more and more justified. Every year the month starts to come around and I fear what lies in my path that will try to destroy me. After 33 years the only thing I can say is I’m still here, I’m still fighting the fight, I’m still standing albeit battered and bruised, broken in some ways, but I’m not down for the count, not yet.

As September will mark the 1-year mark that my wife left me, that she left our family, and I struggle to hear anything through the storm. I have watched this year as bad turned worse, and continued to spiral downward towards the spikes at the very bottom. As my strength would allow me to climb, claw my way up the mud and the muck. Barely able to see my next point to grab, I reach out and dig in, fingers bleeding, I continued to reach out and climb. When I made progress I would get hit with falling rocks, the handgrips would fail and I’d slide backwards not to the spikes, but I’d loose a lot of ground. No matter the traps, the attacks, the setbacks, I never stop climbing. Praying to God every inch climbed, and praying to God in every inch lost, I praised God through the entire storm. Some days the war seemed like it would take me, and there were days I prayed it would. There’s no doubt that this last year has been a struggle. And there’s been days when I prayed to God to take me home. There were days I cursed God for not taking me home last September. I cursed God for not putting me out of my misery. I questioned God why am I so important to keep me here? No matter how much I wanted to I never got my answer, and even today, as I consider where I am, where I’ve been, where I’m going, I question the why. I have learned that my only hope is to trust in the Lord. Trust in the lord in the middle of the war, in the middle of the storm, because Gods love like angles wings protect maybe not our body, but our soul. Isn’t that what the war is all about? Isn’t the war for souls and not for the bodies? Genesis 3:19 “19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.” Our bodies came from dust, and will one day return to the dust. Our souls, our essence of who we are is what survives, what the world is actually fighting for, the only thing worth fighting for.

Romans 7:14-25 “14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.” While lengthy this verse talks about the war we face within. The battle between good and evil on the inside, and the battle between the righteous and the sinner on the outside isn’t a war that’s easy to see the sides in black and white. No matter what war you face, no matter what side you find yourself on whether it be the side of the angels, or the side of the demons, the fog of war makes life difficult sometimes. We may trust people who come into our path, and sometimes that trust is misplaced. In the last few months, I’ve struggled a great deal with this. I’ve met a few people who’ve come into my life, and seemingly they were there as a potential relationship, but as quickly as they came into my life and they made me believe I was special, and their interest was high, they up and vanished without a trace, actually it was more like they decided to cut contact, block every communication we had, and never, or as it seemed, never looked back. There is always an explanation and although I don’t have one, and as I spent time reviewing the conversations, going over what happened again and again in my head, I would never find answers. 1 John 4:1 “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” Not every person who comes into your life is a gift from God. Sometimes they are wolves in sheep’s clothing that are actually sent by the Devil to test you, to pull you away from the path. In each of our lives aspects of our path will be tested, and we see that in Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

While the constant attacks on our lives may be the occasional test of God, it may also be attacks from the Devil to pull us away from God. The more attacks someone may go through the more likely they are to abandon ship. Someone once told me, ‘the more you get kicked while you’re down, the less likely you are to get back up.’ While I completely understand, we must try to remember the essence of faith. As September is my month of Hell, there are millions around the world who have their own September. As each of us has our own battles to face, we must learn to find other soldiers in Christ. We must learn that we are not to fight these battles apart, instead we fight these battles with God as our General, and soldiers in Christ as our small squad, we can fight and face any challenge or crisis we may see in our days. 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” We should choose our friends wisely. Choose our partners the love of our life even more wisely. My bad choices helped to lead me down a bad path. A path that would gift me with nothing but pain and while I do not wish ill will upon anyone, either of my ex-wives, any of the friends who have left me, any of the others that I’ve talked to who built my trust just to watch me fall when they where done. Finally I leave with this last verse, 2 Peter 2:9 “Then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment,” We will be rescued from our trials when we have stayed par for the course. Every trial we face is like a grade in school. We cannot move forward to the next until we’ve completed the pre-requisite. Moving us forward too soon would only result in our failure. And while we may fail in our day to day lives, it’s important to know how to pick ourselves up, and continue to push through, punch through, never quit and never surrender to the darkness. We must never allow the darkness to overtake us because falling to the darkness comes at too high of a price. Our very souls, to live in eternal bliss, or damnation, we choose how we want to live our lives, every second of every day, with every person we meet, and every action we take. “I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.” —Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

 

 

 

The Cage

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The Cage

You lied to me and then you left. My heart was cracked and broken, and all this time it feels like it’s still held captive behind a cage. Unable to be free, unable to heal, the barbed wire tears it apart with each attempt to escape the torture. For how long will you have the power over my heart? For how long will you break my heart again and again?

The day has to come when the power breaks. Nothing can last forever. Once upon a time I thought you were my angel sent to me by God, the reward for a life of hardship. Once upon a time I thought you were my sign that life would forever be a blessing and I foolishly believed that love, the love we had would be the forever kind. I believed with all my heart that no matter what came our way I wouldn’t have to worry. But I underestimated the devils cry. I didn’t see the attack before it was too late, and then, you were gone.

I didn’t fight in time. The Trojan horse got in, and I watched it come. I took the horse for a horse not a trap. I rose no defense, I sounded no alarm, and when the night came the true nature of the horse was revealed and by then the fight was over.

My love was all I had to give. I gave the world I could, but that love wasn’t strong enough. Without that love I questioned everything in my life. I fell into a caged despair. I gave my everything, but like some soldier going toe to toe with Hercules I was swatted away like a fly, not chance at all. I stood no chance against the giant and I fell easily.

There’s nowhere to run, there’s no place to go, I can only surrender what’s left within me to the alter of the one above. I beg and plead to put the pieces back together. I beg and plead to make me whole. The one above is powerful and through the grace of His love and peace, the pieces can be made whole again. God above will mend the heart, but the scars will remain. As Christ rose from the dead for the defeat of eternal death, the scars remained, proof of the past, so thus we must keep our scars.

I question my past and my present yet no answers come. I never thought the day would come when the world would crack in two, but on the day it did I cried to the heavens I was sorry for any mistakes I made, I was sorry for my part in the tragedy. The Lord above forgives the repenting heart. The Lord above feels what we feel, sees what we see, and when we break He breaks.

With my still broken heart, the good Lord heals, but the mending of a broken heart takes time. We feel so deeply sometimes and it takes time to mend, to fix the broken code in the programming. When you feel like you’re crashing make sure you reach towards the Lord. When my day came, when I crashed, I hit Cnt-Alt-Del, and watched as the lights went out.

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified, kept thinkin’ I could never live without you by my side, but then I spent so many nights how you did me wrong, I grew strong, and I learned how to get along.” (I Will Survive)

I will survive. One day my prison will crumble and I will yet again have freedom. When that day comes it will be a sigh of relief. Remember that the true freedom is the freedom over sin, the blood that was paid for, for our sin by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. While we are told we will face our own trials, we will have to take up our own cross, we too our promised our battled and our own scars. The scars will always be there as a reminder of where we came, and what we’ve survived. Embrace the scars because no matter how bad it was, you survived and now have a story to tell.

One day I will tell my story, and while it will have its ups, it’ll have its downs, it’ll have it’s laughs, and it’ll have it’s tears, but it will always have God at the center. The day will come when the morning comes and the chains will burn away and the pain won’t be able to keep you bound anymore. “All I know is I’m not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong.” (Building 429)

My heart shattered that day, the world shook and went dark, the blood was spilt, the tears flooded the ground, but the hand of Jesus was there reaching down towards me and lifted me up. Never stop fighting the fight, never stop healing, and never stop moving forward. The power of the Lord can heal any wound and we need that healing touch.

Lord you made me feel so shiny and new, you picked me up, dusted me off and stood me up. While I may be within my own cage, while I am still watching from behind these chains, I know that one day they will fall away. Faith, it’s what we have, it’s what I have. One day the Son will return and when the day comes, I will be ready to return home.

 

 

Lift up Don’t Tear Down

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Lift up Don’t Tear Down

Brothers and sisters in Christ we have a commandment we often fall short on. John 13:34-35“34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” I have been listening to a song lately I know was not meant to be a Christian song, but I hear it as such. God Gave Me You, the version I have is Dave Barnes. “God Gave me you for the ups and downs.” When I think of who that is I think of Christ. I know that Christ above all else is there for me no matter what situation I’m in, where I am, or how far off the path I’ve gotten. Something I’ve struggled with as of late is how individuals have been treating me. I have had several friends turn their backs on me, and walk away for one reason or another. I have put a lot of thought and self-reflection as to why that might be. I often think back to Job. As Job looses everything one by one he asks his good buddies to come over to his house. We all want to be around people to just lean on when things are tough. We expect our friends to help us bare our crosses, help us get through. When you’re single you expect your friends to get you out of the house. When you’re grieving for the loss of loved ones you expect your friends to be there as a shoulder to cry on. We expect people to be there for us not just because we feel it’s the right thing to do, but it’s actually what they are supposed to do. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.” Why is this so difficult for some to do?

I know a doctor trained in Dialectible Behavior Therapy, and I asked why as a people do we focus so much on the negative rather then the positive. The answer was fairly straight forward, she said, our brains have a natural response to negative because that’s what keeps us alive. The negative actions stand out because it goes against the grain. Driving along going home you pass by a dozen cars doing the right thing, but then a car cuts you off. You won’t remember the 12 cars doing the right thing, that 1 car however will be what stands out. The more I thought about what she said the more it made sense.

I have been using Facebook lately to spread the word of this blog. I post once or twice a day, and as I have felt my blog has been doing well, I’ve noticed amongst my Facebook friends it’s not really picked up. I went about 2 months without posting anything except the auto post of my blog. I had a rough day and I posted something about manners, how some people will just leave you high and dry and how rude I felt that was. My page exploded with angry posts about how people are busy, and I shouldn’t be shaming my friends, and how I should keep those types of posts to myself. I was in shock to see such feedback. I post some beautiful pieces of writing, highly uplifting, and scripturally based, and I don’t get more then maybe 1 thumb up 4-5 if I’m truly lucky. Of all things to get noticed this one factual and understandable frustration gets all the attention. I thought to myself, what about everything else I’ve done? The fact is that it matters to the people who read it, and those who don’t see only what they want to see.

Love is harder then hate. Thinking positive is harder then negative, and those who do think positive have to work harder. If it’s true that our brains are naturally wired to focus on the negative things for whatever reason, being negative is the easy way out. Learning to focus on God, and do Gods will is a difficult road. As many of my so called friends have abandoned ship, I find it interesting that they do so when I fully devote my life to Jesus. It seems my life is going through a process of cleansing, weeding out those who are of little use to my ministry. The ones left in my life will be the ones who’ve helped me bare my cross when it was too heavy to carry. We must learn to walk with patience and love for our brothers and sisters who’ve yet to realize the true power of the Holy Spirit. The Cross is heavy for us all to bare and for some the cross can be so heavy we collapse under the weight of it. We have to have more patience with our loved ones, and understand that how we treat someone when they are going through a hard time is going to be remembered. How do you want to be treated with your life is in shambles? Make the choice to lift up your neighbors and help them in their time of need. No they may not take your advice, but if you just offer an ear, just be there to let them know you care, that itself will go a long way. We aren’t always there to fix their problems, often just to be a listening post, and a shoulder. Be kind because it only takes a moment without hope to watch the candle be extinguished. Remind people by your actions that good people still exist. Remind them that love is still stronger then hate. And if you ever have a problem you just can’t carry, lean on me.

A Multitude of Sins

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A Multitude of Sins

Here I sit alone in almost complete silence. The teal glow on the wall from the lava lamp, and the glow from the computer screen are the only lights on in the house. There’s no music on, no television, just a fan in the dining room I can hear. The sounds of the keys being clicked own is loud in the silence of the house. Occasionally I can hear one of the dogs yawning, or licking their paw, but it’s quiet.

What do we do when we are alone in the dark, no sounds, just the sound of our own thoughts? Where does your mind take you? Mine takes me to a place darker then that of my home right now, a multitude of sins and mistakes. How did I get here my mind asks. How has my life turned out this way, and where the heck do I go form here? The truth is I don’t know. People ask me every day what’s the plan, where are you going to go, what are you going to do? You see, people that know me best know me as the planner. In an earlier post I talked about your emergency preparedness kit and some of what’s in my hiking bag. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. I haven’t had a plan since September 18th 2016. That day all of my sins came to the surface, they came with a reckoning, a force strong enough to knock me off my balance and shake the very foundation in which I built my life. Up till that point in my life I had found myself to be relatively successful. I was happily married, doing well at work, doing great in school, working towards a baby, everything I wanted in life. I had the greatest in-laws anyone could ever hope for, a great sister in law, but fate it seems follows it’s own course, not what we want. In just a matter of a short bit of time everything I loved, the life I spent years building would crumble around me and I would loose everything. The foundation cracked and a cavern opened up under me and swallowed me whole. At the time I felt as if I’d never get out. At the time I felt that my pain, my suffering was the end of me and sadly, wrongly, I felt as if I deserved it. I felt as if my sins were coming back and I had to pay for them. I felt as if I deserved to suffer, to undergo pain and suffering.

A life of trauma built up and tucked away in a nice tidy little closet, away from the world so no one would see. The pain inside buried so deep that the mask I wore every day was good enough to fool even those closest to me. So many times I felt the sorrow the shame bubbling up from the deepest pits within myself, and as skillfully as a superhero beats down a lowly thug, I put that stop in the rising pain, and forced it to return back to the darkest places of my very soul. Compartmentalization is such a wonderful tool when dealing with pain. It can be very helpful as a short term coping mechanism but when used for trauma, the idea is to revisit the trauma soon after the crisis is over, and face the memory head on to come to grips with it. The trouble with that is when the day never comes to revisit, it’s locked away, never forgotten, but never addressed either.

What do we do when the foundation we built our very existence crumbles and falls apart? When our foundation is not as solid as we thought it was, and our deepest fears come true? When everything we’ve ever wanted is taken away, when our deepest fear is realized, and every trauma we’ve ever buried breaks out of prison with an angry vengeance the perfect storm is realized and bad terrible things happen to our minds.

When the hurricane hit me I wasn’t able to maintain my footing. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to handle, the one and only thing I knew was the word STOP. I knew it had to stop. I felt I deserved what happened to me. I felt I had a right to the pain because I had sinned. I had never lived up to be what I should have, and I earned my place. The memory slipped away after actions were taken. What happened to me? What was going to happen to me? So quickly control was fleeting, a wild chaos was quickly snapped back to a hazy reality but not without consequence. No one ever warned us this might happen. No one ever taught us the repercussions of a lifetime of running. You can’t run forever, sooner or later the past will catch up to you and when it does, it wants its payment with interest.

It would take months to realize the new reality, which was my life. It would take only days to realize how bad of a decision that had been made without conscious control. We all have to answer for our sins, and we all have to pay for them. The hard part about dealing with what we’ve done is forgiving ourselves. For me it’s always been easier to forgive others for the bad things they’ve done, but to forgive myself, you’d have better luck pulling a tooth from a T-Rex. I can never take back what happened that day, but to understand more then just the surface problem, to see beyond the facts of that day, it takes a deeper look into the human soul.

As we walk in our lives we see those around us who get caught in addiction, self-harm, physical disorders such as eating disorders, but do we ever try to address the problem? The problem on the surface is the immediate issue, but the problem I’m talking about is that below, the root of the problem. When people suffer for a long time even when we cannot see it, it can often manifest itself in ways to run and hide from the source. Eventually running is all we know. Eventually that life becomes a new reality a safe comfortable reality in our own minds. Even if from the outside it looks destructive and harmful, no doubt it is destructive and harmful, but life itself is often through the eyes of the beholder.

Survivors of alcoholism, or self-harm, suicide attempts, addictions to sleeping bills or other drugs, they know the route, but it’s everyone around that becomes the new problem. How many spectators become judgmental of the victim? Let’s use suicide as an example. If someone tries to end their life, what is the normal reaction from those around? Some are in shock and disbelief, others flock to the person showering with love and sympathy, but there are others who feel anger and distain. Suicide is often looked to as the coward’s way out, the easy way out. The anger comes from the idea that it hurts the ones who are left behind. So suicide is often known as selfish. The problem with today’s society is a lack of education on various mental health problems. There are a lot of assumptions and negative connotations that exist that doesn’t make them true. As a society we need to learn to answer pain with Love, answer hurt with Love. We’ve become so quick to push people away who cause pain, but never ask if the pain was intentional. Let me tell you, if someone’s facing addiction, or suicide, you are the last person on his or her minds. Some may leave a note behind, but the idea is never to inflict harm on others, albeit the end result is pain and suffering. Ironic that the idea to end ones own pain and suffering it will inflict that upon others, and yet that thought never crosses the victims mind. Colossians 3:12 “12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” We know that when there is pain doctors are compassionate towards the victims, EMS have a bedside manner of caring and love, but when someone in our family or friends harms themselves anger, and venomous reactions take the stage. Isaiah 49:13 “13 Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” God knows when to be compassionate and when to be hard on his children. Psalm 51:1 “1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.” Is it so hard to forgive others? Is it so hard to realize we all make mistakes and we all harm one another at some point in our lives? Forgiveness isn’t something that is supposed to take time, (realizing this is the reality) it’s something that is supposed to come from the heart. Luke 23:34 “34 Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.”

We must learn to dig deeper to see the why and not just assume. We must learn to Love first and have compassion to those in pain. We must learn to forgive and understand the sinful nature of mankind. These things are not easy, but are necessary. No matter what the world says about some stigmas the facts remain in scripture. Education is the key to being a compassionate person, understanding the driving forces behind a particular mindset can not only give you incite, but help when you come face to face with it yourself. We all know someone who’s tried to commit suicide, became addicted to something, had some sort of mental health crisis, but do we really ever know the why, or the how? How did we treat them when the initial crisis had passed? Our jobs as a Church body is to love, have compassion, not to tare down someone after they already hit rock bottom. Love not hate, it really isn’t that hard with practice.

If you are the surviver of such an addiction, or suicide attempt, know that tomorrow the day can be brighter. As the Book of Job teaches us no matter how bad a situation may look at the time, tomorrow, God can bless us and change our future in an instant. We must maintain love and faith in God, in both or blessings, and our hardships.