Tag: guilty

Ready to Deploy

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Ready to Deploy

You are a citizen of Heaven; and we are soldiers on the front lines of the battle for souls. Go forth and make disciples and baptize them in the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit. 

Never waiver in your faith. Be ready to deploy where the Lord sends you. The armor of God does not keep you from harm. The walk of a Christian is one of running into the fire. We face the darkness by sharing the Lords good news. We bring light to the darkness by reflecting dimly the light of God. We offer nothing but to be the hands and feet of God, and the soldiers willing to pay the ultimate price. The problem with America is we are so poor in spirit. We are weak in conviction. We tuck tail when the going gets tough, and we have let darkness rise, like the evil empire in Star Wars. How does democracy die? By thunderous applause. How do we fall for the lie? By sprinkling the lie in with the truth. ‘If you eat of the fruit you will not die.’ Satan tells this to Eve in the garden. You sprinkle poison in a drop at a time to make the victim sick, die slowly. Like a frog being boiled slowly, not a thought to jump out. We have lost our willingness to fight, to stand up. We won’t even stand up for the kids in schools being exposed to the alphabet communities’ pride of their own sins, or the countless books being thrown their way. A school district in California announced they will host a week long set of lessons for “National Coming Out Day.” This set of lessons is for elementary age kids. Why would we be exposing young kids to these kinds of things? This topic is sinful and subjective only to those living in their sin. Yet we allow this to happen. We don’t expose the villainizing of police officers, but exalt the criminals. We feminize men, and we pretend there is no difference between a woman and a man, in fact, we make up stories about there being more than the two sexes. We allow evil corporations and government to dictate right and wrong and ignore scripture. There is a desire to cripple people with fear and poverty, to allow some to seize power and control, for their love of the world. The strength that built this nation has produced an environment for the weak to make hard times. 

We don’t have to leave our towns to face the enemy in the streets. We don’t have to leave our house to face the Devil. He’s infiltrating your homes, jobs, churches, and for far too long we’ve sat idle. We are soldiers. We are citizens of heaven, and yet we shy away from the fight. 

John Bunyan imprisonment for 12 years because he refused to stop preaching Gods word. Bishop Latimer has been recorded saying this, ‘Be of good comfort, Master Ridley, and play the man. We shall this day light such a candle, by God’s grace, in England, as I trust shall never be put out.‘ Murdered at the stake by fire, for refusing to accept transubstantiation, the process by which the wine and bread offered during communion becomes the blood and body of Christ. Latimer among other things, supported translating Holy Scripture, the Bible into English. For this he was murdered. He stood up for what was right, and for doing so, he met a martyrs end. 

Going a bit further back Steven in the book of Acts was stoned to death for his belief and evangelism of Christ. There are thousands of martyrs for the faith, and even more that have been persecuted for their faith. And yet we are so comfortable with our lives, our creature comforts of this world, we are afraid to do what is necessary. 

I’m not innocent in this. I myself have not said something because of the impending aftermath. I have not said something because I didn’t want the fight to come to my door. I am guilty of complicity. In the same breath, I have stood up. I have been outspoken. I have stood my ground and watched many friends depart from me, for my faith. I have been on both sides of the difficult fence, but I need more faith. I cannot let fear dictate terms. I cannot allow my fear to stop me from sharing the gospel. We are not promised tomorrow and we are given the mission to share the gospel. We are not told to convert anyone; God will do that. He will tug on the hearts he desires and leave the rest. He knows his chosen; Jeremiah 1:5, and who will reject him. We cannot convince men of anything; the Gospel will do that all on its own. We need to be able to defend our faith, by being knowledgeable of scripture. We cannot go to battle with a dull sword, so we must have scripture in our hearts 2 Timothy 2:15 “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”. We must focus on our lives also and rid our lives of un-repented sin. We must be strong in our faith, our convictions, and resist the Devil and all the spiritual attacks. 

This may look like all talk, but what does scripture say about this? 

2 Timothy 2:3 3 You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. 

Paul goes on to say this: 

4 No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier. 

We are citizen soldiers, warriors on the front lines. We are given the full armor of God Ephesians 6, in order for us to be equipped to fight the war. We do not know the elect, but we know we are to share the gospel, and live our lives with honor and distinction for His perfect will. We are, and were chosen before the foundation of the earth. We were predestined to be His; Ephesians 1:4-5 “just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, 5 having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will,” and no one can snatch us from his hands. 

Soldiers train and we should be prepared to deploy at a moment’s notice. When I was in the Army I trained at Fort Knox, Kentucky. I learned how to do my job and what was expected of me. I learned the rules, and the ways of the Army. I went to Korea and after a short time there, deployment orders came through to go to Iraq. Do we think we know what our future holds? For the first time in over 50 years Korea, a hardship duty deployment would redeploy to a different combat zone. I had never thought my first deployment to Korea would be interrupted to go to a warzone. I chose Korea so I could train more before being in a unit that would deploy to Iraq. But God knows, and God has a plan. God is the commander and chief, along with being sovereign of the universe. Jesus (also God) is the General, which leads the Army into battle. 

When we are called are we willing to go? We are called every day, and most will not heed the call. We are called to share the Gospel wherever we go, and to do so shameless of the Gospel. We are to live The Way, share the Gospel and build the Kingdom. We gather the fish and Jesus sorts them out. I heard Voddie Baucham say this, obedience is a biproduct of the Gospel. I joined the Army because I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to serve my nation, fight for a good cause. I don’t like bullies and I have a calling to stand up to them. I feel Satan is a bully. He bullies people, he sow’s dissention, and destroys lives. I have found a calling in myself to fight the good fight. I’ve faced my share of enemies on and off the battlefield. I’ve lost my share of friends for my faith, but pales in comparison to those who’ve given their lives in the pursuit of sharing the Gospel. But in order for me to be a good soldier, as common in the Star Wars Clone Wars series, “Good soldiers follow orders.” We must follow orders, as soldiers in the military do. We cannot sit idly by while the Devil gains ground here in this great country. When I was in Iraq there was a sign posted that said “Complacency Kills” We have become so complacent in this fight, have we sacrificed our nation for it? Have we sacrificed our children’s futures because of our carelessness? We deploy wherever the Lord sends us, or wherever he places us. We all have our fight and place, whether it be a father or mother, a police officer, a school teacher, a janitor, or anything else, we have our fight. Yes, we are to go, but go is anywhere we go, and make disciples anywhere we go. Are we bold in our faith, strong in our convictions, unwavering in our fight? No matter if it’s your home, school, work, or public, we fight the good fight. We don’t need Jesus just in times of trouble, as the popular video said, ‘I need Jesus to go to Walmart’. We need Jesus to lead us in this war, to show us how to fight, and we must train mind, body and soul for this fight. We must hold fast to what the word says, and not wavering to the whims of culture or society. We are citizen soldiers, ambassadors of Heaven, and we owe Him our Allegiance.

I pledge allegiance to the Lord,

Ruler of all Creation,

And to His kingdom,

For which I shall stand,

One God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

Just in all His judgments,

Yet rich in mercy and grace.

I will love, serve and sacrifice my desires for His,

For he is the Savior of my soul and author of

All Truth. 

                                                                 By: Dr. M. David Chambers

Guilty Conscious

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Guilty Conscious

 Jude 1:13 “They are wild waves of the sea, foaming up their shame; wandering stars, for whom blackest darkness has been reserved forever.” We live this life and we can make mistakes and sometimes we make a mistake that is difficult to come back from. The shame we feel when we have wronged someone deeply can eat us up inside. The past can be heavier then the weight of the world. Like Atlas in the legends of old holding up the edge of the sky, the weight of our decisions on our shoulders weigh us down. We allow the guilt of our decisions to poison us and over time that guilt grows, it spreads like mold and cancer in our bodies. The decease in which there is only one cure. Ecclesiastes 1:8 “All things are full of labour; man cannot utter it: the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.” We can try to right our wrongs, we can try to do all manner of works, but the truth is nothing will ever be good enough. We must learn that in all things anything worth having comes from God. We must learn to allow the Holy Spirit into our hearts, and that’s where forgiveness starts. Forgiveness is only worth anything if we do it right from the start. We must forgive ourselves, and we must learn to let go of our own shame and guilt. Second, we must ask our Father in Heaven to forgive us for our wrongdoing. Lastly we must ask forgiveness from those whom we’ve wronged.

Asking forgiveness or even admitting wrongdoing is usually the result of one major issue, vanity. Ecclesiastes 1:2 “Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.” Vanity is tough, and can be very hard to overcome. Ecclesiastes 2:23 “For all his days are full of sorrow, and his work is a vexation. Even in the night his heart does not rest. This also is vanity.” The whole problem is not letting one’s self heal from grief, and mistakes. We can’t live our happy lives if we are stuck in the past. We cannot see the happiness in front of us when we are blinded by pain.

When our pain is no longer a filter for our perspective we can actually see the true meaning behind Ecclesiastes 9:9 “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.” While this verse states a wife, it truly goes beyond any of that, and all our blessings from the Lord are important and gifts. We must honor our gifts and not take them for granted. When we squander our gifts we shouldn’t be surprised if we don’t get them anymore. Treat every good things as a blessing, a gift from God and honor that gift.

 

 

 

 

Survivors Guilt

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Survivors Guilt

It’s been 12 years since the day it happened. 12 years ago the way I perceived time and life, the way I viewed my enemies, and the day I questioned my own self worth all changed. I don’t recall the time of day, or even the day of the week, but in Iraq none of that really matters unless you have a mission briefing, or a start time for the mission. The mission itself was simple, Early morning sunrise our mission started. Due to my injury I was a dismount during the mission. I was moved from my normal truck to dismount for someone else. We where looking for ways insurgents might be smuggling weapons into Ramadi. Our mission was to travel along the railroad tracks, and mark on GPS possible points small cars could fit through, and bypass our checkpoints. My knee killing me, and still slightly swollen I sat in back of the Humvee looking out the window. We where coming up to the railroad tracks, and the dirt cross over when a sinking gut feeling came over me. I’d never had a feeling like this before, but I felt I had to say something. I told my driver to look out for wires. He responded “Are you afraid of IED’S?” My feeling in my gut wouldn’t go away. The mission continued as normal. We went from point to point logging them, and noting them on the GPS. On our way back we stopped at a house to talk to the owner. Waiting outside and keeping watch I could hear the discussion going on at the front door. He had a single AK, but several magazines. According to law he could have 1 rifle, and 2 magazines. He argued they where for alibaba, or thiefs. Regardless, the man was forced to give up the rest of his mags. It was about that time I was looking over toward the railroad tracks. I didn’t know what I was looking at, at the time. I saw the plume of smoke first, and then the sound wave hit me. The biggest boom I’d ever heard, and the biggest bloom of smoke I’d ever seen. In the midst of the black smoke I could see a tan object 200 feet in the air. I refused to believe I saw what I thought I saw. Then our squad leader yelled IED. That’s when I realized what was had happened.

 

                                    NOTE THE FOLLOWING IS VERY GRAFIC

 We all raced back to the truck, and before the doors where shut we where hauling our butts back up to the tracks. We rounded the corner at what seemed like 60 mph. It came over the radio that Saber 4 was the truck hit. Coming up the hill we could see the truck. It looked to be in two pieces. (Out of respect of the families I’ll be keeping their names private.) I jumped out and went to the back of the truck to grab the Aid bag. Running as fast as I could with my knee still swollen, I came to the first person I could see. I recognized the mangled body instantly. A close friend of mine lay there lifeless, pale, and unresponsive. His wounds where extensive, he had massive lacerations on both legs, cuts on his neck and arms. He had a very low pulse, but before starting compressions I wanted to tie off his legs. If he where to survive I knew he’d loose his legs. I tied the tunicate as tight as I could, but it didn’t seem to matter how tight I pulled. The rope just wasn’t getting the job done. I did the best I could with it, and moved on to compressions. I check again for a pulse but this time I felt nothing. I started compressions. I pushed hard over and over. I counted each thrust, and then felt for a pulse again. I felt a low pulse, and waited for a medic. A medic I thought, our medic was in this truck! Where was he? Again feeling for a pulse and there wasn’t one. I needed to keep his heart going. I started compressions again, this time I wouldn’t stop. I pushed and pushed. I don’t know how long I pushed but eventually one of the other medics came up to me, and knelt down next to me. He reached for a pulse and said there wasn’t one. Based on how soft his chest was, and the lack of blood, Doc called him gone KIA, killed in action. I screamed at him that he wasn’t gone, but doc told me I had to let him go. I screamed no at him again, that I felt a pulse. He said something to me again, but I wasn’t listening, I was doing compressions again. Doc grabbed me from behind and pulled me off and held me in his arms. “He’s gone (My Name) .” He said softly in my ear. He held me while I struggled to get free. “(My Name) he’s gone.” He said again. I relaxed my muscles and he let me know. I leaned back to my friend. I closed his eyes, and covered his face with his fractured vest. I stood up in a fog. I looked around for our medic. Where was he? I was still unsure at what all was happening. I asked my squad leader. He was still missing. Looking around I saw a tan object about 40 meters away in the water. I asked if that was him, and was told it was too far. Leaving my rifle behind by my fallen friend I walked the road looking for my missing medic friend. He had to be in the water. He was driving. He was on that side, but wasn’t on the hill. I slid down the side of the hill, and left my vest aside. I slipped into the freezing cold water. Another buddy got in on the other side of the pond and swam to the same tan colored object I saw. I looked at his face when he got there. It told me everything I needed to know. He was gone, but I just didn’t know how bad, or the images that would haunt my dreams. He swam to me to get our friend out of the water. Lifting him out I saw how bad the injuries where. The explosion severed everything from belly button down. By this time several of the guys met us at the top of the hill to help lift our fallen medic out of the water. The side of the hill was mud, and while lifting my footing slipped, and I fell forward. I landed face first on doc’s stomach. Barely holding it together I pushed myself up and after they got Doc up and on the stretcher, a few of the guys went back to the water to look for more remains. I was helped out of water and up the hill. I grabbed my vest, my rifle, and still in a haze made my way back to my truck. I put my vest back on, and stood there looking around with a fog over my head. The captain who looked at my knee just days before was in critical, the only survivor. Our platoon Sergeant was also killed. We mounted up to escort our friend back to camp to get him off on a helicopter to Baghdad. In the 5 minute drive back radio traffic told us Doc didn’t make it. The first physician assistant to be killed during the war in Iraq. By the time we got back the Charlie med we were greeted with two of our great female medic friends. Getting down from the humvee they asked who. I didn’t realize how I said it till it came out of my mouth, but it was cold, and blunt. I couldn’t feel anything, I was still processing. All the medics much like the scouts where close friends. The girls cried, and us guys where angry. My truck commander crabbed me and swore we’d find um and kill um. I nodded in agreement. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to think.

Since then I have found myself replaying that day over in my head from time to time. The days where my anxiety is higher, or something happens to remind myself of worse times. I was then and occasionally now suffer from what’s known as survivor’s guilt. Along with the events of that dreadful day, I have an abundance of other trauma’s and my own run ins with Hell on Earth. I felt guilty for years that my gut was telling me something was wrong that day. Even though I did say something, it didn’t matter though the outcome was the same. 12 years later I still feel guilty and ashamed. I know in my heart there was nothing more I could have done to save anyone, or prevent the tragedy from happening, but my head lies to me. Now I have gone through my own physical traumas and I am faced with a new problem every day. I do hope and pray that one day I might find myself more at peace, not just from my time in Iraq, but times from before, and after.

It’s not easy loosing loved ones to cheating, or other means. The first thing is to evaluate reasonably the level of guilt that is owed to you. No one is innocent when a relationship ends, but to what level is the culpability of guilt. When we look at the Gospel we see a man Crucified that was innocent of any wrongdoing. He died to free us from eternal damnation. His death left us with hope. It is in that hope that I find comfort. No matter how hard my day, no matter how badly I feel I remember that I am a faithful child of the King. I will one day take up my place in the Kingdom and live in peace and harmony. I will not only see my loved ones who’ve died before me, but all my friends from Iraq, not just the 4 from that day, but everyone we lost. I will also see my friends who’ve died over the years. With as many people as I’ve lost close to me you’d think I was in my 60’s or 70’s. Sadly that’s not the case.

There are several lies the Devil tells to us and it’s our job to fight them.

Lie #1 You were supposed to die.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. If it were your time God would have taken you. If you’ve survived it was for a purpose, a greater meaning. We never know what our worth is, and what our part to play is. We may not always be directly responsible for something great, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t have a role to play.

LIE #2: YOU OWE A DEBT TO THE DEAD.

You don’t owe the dead anything. You owe it to yourself and those around you to honor the deads memory. You must continue to live so the memory of your friends or those you couldn’t save can live on in our hearts.

LIE #3: YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THE DEAD FROM DYING.

Unless you’re God, which you aren’t, you cannot control if someone lives or dies. Firefighters can’t save everyone. Police can’t save everyone. Paramedics can’t save everyone, and it’s not practical to think we have the power to alter the plan. We may not always know why God takes a little child, or the honor roll student and not the drug dealer, but again the big picture we can’t see. We must have faith in God.

LIE #4: YOU ARE LESS WORTHY THAN THE PEOPLE WHO DIED.

This is just utter nonsense. Feeling down about your own self worth, thinking they were a better man, or woman then you, thinking the world would have been a better place without you and have them instead is just nonsense. Even if we could see into the future, we are all special. We’ve all overcome great odds just to be born. The Lord doesn’t make mistakes. When the world is hard, and we feel low and discouraged, that’s when it’s most important to turn to the Lord and ask for help. Seek Godly counsel from close friends who live for the Lord.

LIE #5: YOU ARE DEFINED BY YOUR PAST.

This is the one I struggle with most. In my past I am worried that telling people of my past they judge me on it. That somehow everything I’ve gone through will one day come back to haunt me. My past is what has molded me to be the man I am. I wouldn’t be here Blogging, or helping others, getting involved with ministry, had it not been for the horrible things that happened. Why was I bullied as a child, why did I move around so much, why did I loose so many friends, why have I lost two loves in my life? The answer is never simple, but it was part of the plan. We must not be our own worst critics in defining our future by our past. Make every day a new day and believe in yourself. It’s hard for others to believe in us if we don’t show ourselves the same amount of respect. Don’t let your past define you future. Put your past behind you, and focus on the good you can pull from it. Focus on the stories the testimony you can offer to those struggling through similar times.

After loosing two loves from my life I often feel similar symptoms to a death in the family. Someday my princess will come into my life. Someday I will find a place to build my castle to call Camelot. Someday I’ll find my peace in this world. Someday the battle will be over and God wiling I will be able to make and have my own family. Patience if seems is my biggest fight. I have faith.

Don’t let go, don’t give up because you may have lived to leave behind a great legacy. Don’t stunt your own growth by living in the past. When you live in the past you miss your present, and destroy your future. We only get one shot at this life, and because of it, we need to have fun. Enjoy life, and God will provide for us the fruits of our labor, and replace the suffering with adulation and love.