Tag: forgiveness

It’s All Laid Out On The Table

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It’s All Laid Out On The Table

I’ve wasted a lot of time on people who would not consider giving me that same amount of time. I’ve spent a lot of time pursuing people in hopes they would one day return that interest. I’ve loved others but rarely received that affection in return. I’ve given nearly everything I was for a marriage, two marriages, in which I was discarded as little more then used trash. It’s not easy going through life getting so little from others, whom you’ve given so much. The fatal flaw however lies with me and my inability to evacuate from relationships that became toxic for me.

I think we have a negative idea of toxic, and sometimes I feel it’s such a twisted idea of what toxic really is. I would argue toxic is anything that causes a divide between you and God. Recently I discussed how things in our lives could be benign to one person but detrimental to others. Someone who bowls on a league may not have any problems with a healthy balance but someone else the league may consume their every thought. Food for some is the enemy even though it’s needed to survive. The same goes for alcohol. Some can consume responsibly, others it would or could destroy their lives. For me, I feel my need for human interaction, and my desire to not be alone, has led me to often loose focus on what’s really important. I have pursued so many and the constant rejection of love and even friendships has left me broken in my bed for many nights on end. My desire to want to feel needed, wanted, loved, has pushed me into darkness. That desire and ignoring obvious signs is what’s become toxic for me.

I don’t understand the desire to play hard to get, or the idea of being aloof. I don’t understand the flippant perspective of relationships in today’s society. I don’t understand how so much is taken for granted, or how little care or thought is placed on another human’s feelings. The pain we cause one another is truly beyond my emotional wheelhouse. I struggle to understand how easy it is to care about ones self so much that without a moment’s hesitation someone is at the bottom of your shoe and you walk on like nothing ever happened.

When people have walked away I try my best not to think the worst about someone leaving. I try to think the best of someone that there has to be a good explanation to why they have been quiet or unreachable for days or weeks on end. Sadly, the most common outcome is just a lack of desire to talk or have any kind or relationship. We are a lost people and our priorities have become completely revolved around sin. When we only care about self and others no longer mater, I assert this is the nature of sin. Sin is about the ‘I’, about self. See for me I have longed for a family, a love that was something special, something strong. I have searched the globe for such a love only to be broken down. All along while I was looking for love in people, I should have been looking for love in Christ. I am a child of God and that kind of love far surpasses anything found in this life. I am slowly realizing I cannot continue to pursue others. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s hard not too. I start my day by sending out a few text messages wishing those in my life a good morning and wishing them a good day. I have done experiments in which I haven’t sent out messages and there was silence for several hours, even days. I will send messages to people I know nearly all day checking on them, seeing how they are doing, offering prayers, but the return is few and far between. I have grown dependent on the communication with others, and now I don’t know how to be just me. I spend time with my thoughts, but often times they scare me. When I start to take time to ponder my life, to evaluate where I am, the silence becomes overwhelming. Somewhere a balance remains, yet it’s elusive. How do we manage the silence when the silence scares us? How do we walk a path when we don’t know if we can do it alone? The simple answer is we aren’t alone. I know many people who are estranged from their families. I know many who were abandoned and left behind from mothers, fathers, friends, spouses, but no matter who may have left you, I assure you the Lord will not. Psalm 27:10 (NKJV)10 “When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me.” What are your dreams, and what is your hearts desire? Have you taken them to the Lord in prayer? Have you given your all to service? Have you received your answer but turned your back on it? We often pray and expect to get what it is we pray for. I have found more often we do get an answer but it’s not what we wanted to hear. I know I have prayed over and over for someone to come my way to meet the desires of my heart. It’s pained me knowing that God has said not yet, or no. I have watched as friends have been alone far shorter then I, that have found someone wonderful for their lives, and I am left feeling like I’m standing still in my life. I have watched as many of my friends are pregnant about to have their child, or are celebrating their pregnancy. I have struggled with sinful envy wishing I had the happiness at least what’s seen on the surface. I know that my feelings and my faith are opposed. My faith tells me to be patient, to wait, to be content in whatever situation God has placed me. My feelings cry out in pain wishing I had someone to cuddle with watching a movie, eating popcorn. I feel like the enemy is at my door and I don’t know how to defend against this kind of attack. I feel the defenses weakening, and I struggle in my prayers not to cry every night. I have felt rejected so often lately that it feels like time itself is my enemy. I feel like my window is ticking by and my hope for a family may not find me. I wonder if I’d missed something in my past I was supposed to do, and catch myself falling down an unhealthy rabbit hole. When you feel all alone and you feel like the worlds turned it’s back on you, let me tell you, the relief is Jesus Christ. When darkness is upon your door and you feel you can’t take anymore, let Jesus be the one to catch you before you fall. (Crash and Burn, Savage Garden) The monsters in your head are the lies of Satan, and when you feel you can’t face the day, cry out to Jesus to save you. I listen to the song Crash and Burn and picture it’s Jesus singing to me.

The world is a cold place, and people can be cruel. I have always hoped to see the best in people and while most often in my life I’ve seen the worst in people, I always try to hold onto love. I know Jesus loves me, and when I reach out to Christ, I am never on hold, I never get a voicemail, and I never get the cold shoulder. I know that Christ always has time for me to listen to my problems, to help me when the days been tough. I know I never have to worry about being ghosted by Christ even though so many people have. I know that I am called to serve, and I have finally come to realize I cannot run forever. I have always wanted to make a difference, and though I didn’t expect it to be this way, I know that when people are in their most vulnerable states, I can be the difference for them. So many years ago in a night of sheer trauma I recall being left alone not sure what to do, where to go, or what to think. As I was a scared little boy left with so many questions, and fear that would go on for miles, I cannot imagine someone being left alone as I once was. I cannot imagine so many lives facing their absolute worst day, and not having anyone to be there with them. While today I reach out to fill a void in my life, I know that one day I might be the only person someone can reach out too. I will live my life differently being reachable and dependable. I will answer the call and I will allow Christ to place me where I am wanted, where I am needed, and I will trust in the plan. While I have a long way to go before I am ready, as Paul trained for 3 years after his encounter with Christ, I too shall go through my own sort of training. Paul trained his whole life for his calling, and when his conversion happened on Damascas Road that was just the graduation from undergrad to graduate. His training with the Apostles would be his masters, and I too walk a similar path. My life of trauma has trained me in a specific way, preparing me for a life of a trauma counselor, and my path to seminary, and God willing, the path to ordination will be the masters degree preparing me to do God’s work.

We can pick up the phone and call people who may or may not answer, but why don’t we pick up the phone and call Jesus for a chat? Why don’t we turn to the one who can truly make a difference in our life? It’s nice to have people around, but when the real problem rests within the heart, we must turn to Christ for the only true healing we will ever receive. I am finding that flooding my life with people, and talking, and distracting myself from the pain inside has only been placing a Band-Aid over my heart. My heart is still hemorrhaging and it’s time for me to wake up and face my pain like a man. I have spent my life either using compartmentalization, or distractions to hide from my responsibility. After my Ex-Wife’s affair the first thing I did was blame myself. The very thought of her being with another man forced my own thoughts to ask what I had done wrong. I completely believed I had done something to drive her there, and I beat myself up. I believed deep down I was a worthless piece of trash, and even two years later there are still remnants of that belief that linger in my heart. I often sit in a room wondering if I’m being judged by those around me. I often wish I would have been able to talk to a woman I saw in the store or a restaurant and fear forces me to leave without saying a word. Once upon a time I would have been able to talk to a stranger, but in my damaged state I find the fear of rejection overwhelming. As I have realized I’ve developed into Agoraphobic with a side order of Social Anxiety Disorder, I now find the result from years of PTSD never treated. Thankfully these combined fears are not debilitating for me. While raised blood pressure, elevated heart rate, a rise in anxiety, and on a very rare occasion a panic attack has occurred, knowing what I fight, I can now start to pray, and face the problems head on. (DSM-V) “Agoraphobia: Marked fear or anxiety about two (or more) of the following five situations:

  1. Using public transportation (e.g., automobiles, buses, trains, ships, planes.)
  2. Being in open spaces (e.g., parking lots, marketplaces, bridges.)
  3. Being in an enclosed placed (e.g., shops, theaters, cinemas)
  4. Standing in line or being in a crowd.
  5. Being outside of the home alone.”

While there is no doubt I fall into that category, I fully understand where those fears come from. The second fear is “Social Anxiety Disorder: Marked fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others. Examples include social interactions (e.g., having a conversation, meeting unfamiliar people), being observed (e.g., eating or drinking), and performing in front of others (e.g., giving a speech)” (DSM-V) Oddly my primary here is conversations and meting unfamiliar people. I can act in a play in front of others, or even give a speech in front of others. My fear is the one on one rejection from people. I think because of my fear being able to meet new people, and fear of being judged I struggle with meeting new people. Strangely this does not apply when I’m working. When I worked in security knowing I had partners, others who had my back in the event anything went bad, I was at ease. I could run towards fire, floods, fights, medical emergencies, with absolutely no negative emotion. I was sure of my ability, and my place in the world. I knew I was good at my job, and I knew I could handle any situation that came. I knew as security I was in control of the situation. When I meet people online I have some version of control over the situation. In person I am more exposed, like I’m holding onto a live wire. In my fear, I turn to scripture. Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)10 “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Christ is the great healer. We cannot expect to heal our hearts alone. We can place things over the wound and try to hope for the best, but under it all the wound festers, and becomes infected. The wound spread throughout the body causing more damage to other areas. In the event I could go back and comfort that little boy left alone, he would have been able to see love, and grace in the light of Christ. He could have heard an explanation and not been forced to make one up on his own. The feelings he faced that night and in the weeks to come would lay the foundation of how he would feel about his life for decades to come. It’s so important to understand our place in this world. Knowing and understanding that the throne of Satan is the earth itself while sin still exists, (Revelation 2:12:13) we are soldiers on the front line. We are faced with facing our fears and being courageous and not allowing our fears or feelings to control us.

“We were made to be courageous, we were made to lead the way!”… “We were warriors on the front lines, standing unafraid, now we’re watchers on the sideline.”  (Courageous by. Casting Crowns)

 I know I cannot stand here afraid of the silence. I know I must face my fears, and not allow the lies of Satan to overwhelm me. I know the only way I will ever stand is on my knees with lifted hands. I know the Lord did not make me to be afraid. I know the Lord did not make a mistake with me. I know I am worthwhile and if people don’t see that, I cannot base my self worth on their opinions. I must be honest about how I feel, but no longer can I sit and pretend I’m okay. It’s all right not to be okay, and in admitting there’s a problem we can face that problem. I trust that God will heal me and I know when I turn to Christ and place my future before my past I will one day truly put my past to bed. When I trust in Christ to heal my heart, I know that the raging sea within my heart, the storm that’s going on deep down in my soul, I know that Christ has the power to calm the storm. In my weakness, I know that God is my power, and I now realize my prayers have been wrong for so many years. So in the spirit of hopefully learning from my past, I propose a new prayer.

Heavenly Father:

I come to you with bended knee, and bowed head. You are the most high, holy, and gracious God. Your authority is absolute and I trust in your purpose. I have seen the light in the storm, and I trust the path. I am thankful for the past and the pain. I pray I may grow and take what I need from those situations, and let go of what I don’t. I hear you call me out my Lord, and I hear your voice clearly in my mind. I hear you say it’s okay, I hear you say my past is forgiven, and I know I don’t want to live in the pain of the past anymore. I pray you strengthen my faith, and give me the way to finally put this behind me. I pray for the fire to burn away the old me, the old me that doubted, that lived a life of fear. I pray the old me is wrapped in your cocoon of love, mercy, forgiveness and the man that walks away is a proud soldier of Christ who can stand tall knowing his worth, knowing who he is humbled before the Lord of the universe. I pray nothing of importance is wasted in that man’s life, and that the haunting that has afflicted me for so long cannot stand against the healing fires of the Holy Spirit. I have spent so much time worrying about how others saw me. I have spent so much afraid to feel because I was afraid how others would view me. I was afraid to come forward because I was afraid of being lashed out against. But my God, my God, you are with me today. My God as my season changes, I know and trust in you. My Lord of all creation, you have shown me truth, and you know my heart. You know my heart and the separation between my heart and my hard head. God I ask for your will be done in my life. I ask the guidance I need to bring you glory in all I do. I am a sinner and I know I’m not worthy and it’s in grace I am blessed. I asked myself so often why they didn’t want me anymore. I grew up my whole life begging for the answer of why people didn’t stick around in my life. I cried so often in my youth, and into my adult life, why people didn’t love me anymore. I cried to you so many nights begging to you to take me in my sleep. I begged you Lord for the answers I would never get. I prayed to you but your answer was always no. You refused to take me home, and even when I was on deaths door you still said not yet. All those years I begged for a father, all those years I begged for someone to love me, it was you all along. Your love is what kept me alive. Your love is why I kept moving forward. Your love was all I ever needed. I was afraid I wouldn’t ever truly know love, but your grace has shown me differently. I haven’t found that love on earth I have sought so long for, but I see now, it’s your love that matters most. Your love has saved, and it’s your love that heals. Your love is enough to push that scared little boys fears away. Your love is the comfort at night. Your love showers over me and you collect my tears. You’re my hope when I feel hopeless. You’re my courage when I’m afraid. I am nothing without you Lord, and I am everything because you have created me.

 I close my eyes and I remember your voice. I feel the jolt in my skin touching every nerve in my body. I feel your power surge through me, and I know I can never be worthy of such a beautiful gift, but as that’s just a small taste of the true power of the most High. Abba, you touched me that day, and now I can only imagine what it will be like when I am by your side. I prayed for a dad, and in my despair you were always there. I prayed for a family and you’ve given me my brother Glen, my brother David, and you’ve rebuilt the relationship with my mother. I am not worthy of these gifts, but I accept them humbly. My King, you watch over me and you bring me comfort, and I cannot express how grateful I am. I have asked for so long who I am. I have searched so long for the place I belonged, and now after so many years crying, feeling hopeless, you have shown me purpose. I see now how you’ve used tragedy to shape a future. Your plan is wonderful, with beautiful grace and strategic balance. Tomorrow the sun will shine, and I know you are Lord over all things. Your will, will be done, and I am thankful for all I have.

I Forgive All

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I Forgive All

My whole life I have faced abuse. My whole life I have run from the monsters that have been my tormentors. My struggle started early in my life. I faced bullies, and teasing that turned physical, and I never knew why. The teasing started around 1994-1995 fourth or fifth grades. I found myself being teased for the clothes I wore, or the way I looked. I was teased for the way I sounded, and even the girl I had a crush on, the sheer thought that she may actually like me in return. Obviously she didn’t, and I knew that, but to those who found out, it made for a good joke. I found myself imagining I was somewhere else, or someone else. I would let my imagination run wild in pretending I was a superhero saving the world, or a half elf chasing fame in Dungeons and Dragons quests. I would find anything I could do to pretend I was anyone else. Halloween was my favorite holiday because for one night a year I could be someone else. I could be something else. I would pray to God every night to save me from my situation. I would pray every day that I would be removed from my hell on earth and I would pray at times to just die, and be rid of all the pain I was in. Every day became a struggle for me to get out of bed and move forward. I found myself afraid of going to school as the teasing had turned physical by the time I was through middle school. Year after year as my bullies got bigger I struggled to get away from the constant pushing, taking my things, or even the swirly. And still I prayed, but it wasn’t till years later my prayers would finally be answered. By the point I would leave I would have moved out from home multiple times. I would suffer further life changing trauma’s and then to pour salt in the wounds I would be teased for nearly loosing my only parent. I was surrounded by pain everywhere I looked, and still I prayed. I can remember night after night dropping to my knees and praying for relief, but night after night my prayers went unanswered.

 

I can remember the first Christian song I’d learn, it was the song that would forever change my life and it wasn’t just the song that changed my life it was whom I learned the song from. His name was John, and he loved the Lord. We met on the track team my sophomore year of high school. I hadn’t been in my new school long before we met, and we quickly became good friends. It wasn’t long before he began to open up to me about his faith. I had always been a believer of God but I had never met anyone as passionate about Jesus as he was. As the months went by he would continue to tell me about Jesus and I would listen and I was amazed how much Christ had changed his life. See, the thing is, tragedy would befall John and me, and that tragedy would shape my life. The last thing we would ever say to each other were insults out of anger. John would die just two months later after a car accident. His last gift to me was a recording of him singing I can only Imagine by: MercyME at his church. His death haunted me for years. Even after learning my words changed his heart and he reconciled with his sister before he died, I couldn’t bring myself to do the one thing I needed to, forgive myself.

 

For years I would carry the weight of guilt along with me. I carried it into basic training with me, and then onto Iraq. There guilt would pile upon me like a bag of rocks. I carried it into my marriage and as that marriage would fail, I’d carry guilt from that marriage and everything before that into my next marriage. One thing after another I would take the blame, the guilt, and I would carry it from one time to the next. Instead of taking on peoples sins, I would take their guilt. I would carry it on my shoulders, and I would find a way to take the blame for every horrible thing that happened in my life. Somehow I found it was easier to take the blame then to explain how people were so cold and cruel. I couldn’t face that people were mean or cruel unless it was my fault and I deserved it. I began to believe that the pain I endured was because I wasn’t a good person. I believed that I was a mistake, and that no one would or could ever love me. I believed that I was a mistake at birth and remained that way in life. I believed that my conception was a mistake and I believed I would have been better off had I never been born. Since I was born my place was to be everyone’s mistake to learn what not to do. I believed I was worthless and that truly, no one could ever really love me, because who could love such a mistake. I ran, and continued to run away from the monsters that chased me in my dreams.

 

After my second marriage fell into ruin I allowed the Devil to whisper in my ear and I fell further then I ever imagined. I never imagined I would one day put a gun to myself. I couldn’t explain what I felt, and I still can’t. I felt like I deserved to be punished for my failures, and I couldn’t imagine a life where I wasn’t a failure. I saw everything from past, and I saw my sin in my face. I was surrounded by the echo’s of my old life and I was surrounded by the demons, the monsters I spent so long running from. The monsters I was so afraid of caught me and I felt like I could never get away. I stood there frightened, terrified because the monsters looked just like me. I was my monster, I was the creator of my pain, and I was the failure and sin that chased me over a lifetime. I couldn’t see a way out, and knowing deep down in my heart I didn’t owe a life, but I owed a level of pain. Pain for pain so I made a deal with myself to face physical pain in the place of the emotional pain I couldn’t handle anymore. I heard the whispers in my head to do it, to grab the gun, to put it to my chest, and I heard the whispers saying I was a coward, and that I deserved her leaving me, and I deserved everything I’d gone through. I wasn’t a coward, and I did deserve to suffer for my failures. I wasn’t a coward so I took a breath and squeezed the trigger.

 

I believed the cruelest lie from the pits of Hell. I believed my sins could be paid by self-sacrifice. I believed the lie my whole life, and I was weak, weak enough to step off that cliff and take one for the team. Even though death wasn’t what I sought, death had come for me. The lie I fell for was to be at the cost of my own life. I fell down into the deepest pit of Hell and though I couldn’t see anything but the sheer darkness of my decisions, I was caught. The fall ended and I said “God I’m sorry.” I don’t need to imagine anymore because I know, I have felt the power of the Holy Spirit, and as my senses would be overloaded I would hear the words that would change my life. “You’re FORGIVEN.” I felt the jolt, the electric shock run through my whole body and I would no longer be in darkness, but in an ambulance. I begged to go back, to be with Him, but my life was spared for a reason. My life was spared with a single word, forgiven. Why is it so hard for us to forgive those who hurt us? Why is it so hard for us to understand the true meaning of love and forgiveness? Could you imagine a world where we actually loved and forgave one another? I couldn’t imagine a God that would forgive me for believing the lie, but here I am. I’m living proof of the power of God, the love of God, the forgiveness of God.

 

I don’t have to imagine anymore what forgiveness looks like. My biggest struggle after my near death experience, believing I was ever that low. I would look at myself in the mirror and not know who I was. I would see the eyes looking back to me and I saw a stranger. I was able to forgive all those who had trespassed against me, but why couldn’t I forgive myself. I loathed myself, and I hated the man I had become. The struggle I faced was understanding why save a man like me? What was God thinking sparing my life? I kept telling myself there was a mistake and someone else was supposed to get saved. The truth is, God lives in you. God lives in me, and God watches over us. The Holy Spirit washed over all of us, and it’s in our reflection we should see beyond our own eyes and see Christ looking back. Luke 23:34“Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.” We never deserved the forgiveness from Jesus for what we did to him. We never deserved forgiveness for sacrificing ones self from the Father to take upon himself the full wrath of rage against sin, but forgiveness isn’t about the trespasser, it’s about the trespassed. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain caused by others, letting go of the sorrow that lives in our hearts. Forgiveness is about balance within ones self.

 

All those years I looked to the stars and I prayed to God to save me from my pain, the answer was right there all along, yet I was too blind to see. In the room I was in, or the field, or next to the fire as I looked to the sky, I was surrounded by God’s glory and I failed to see. It isn’t about the things done to you, it’s about the things you do to yourself. I imagined a day when my pain would go away because I would find someone to live my life with. I imagined a day when my pain would go away because I wouldn’t live in poverty anymore. I imagined a life free from the losses of my past. What I couldn’t imagine was my road to recovery, my road to peace started within myself. I couldn’t take the blame anymore for things I couldn’t control. I couldn’t continue allowing myself to be responsible for the actions of others, and myself. I had to learn to forgive myself because if God could forgive me, and if God saved me, there must have been something he saw, that I couldn’t.

 

Guilt of ones own actions is a powerful thing. We can often see our own guilt turning into rage and anger towards others. Guilt can manifest itself in a vast number of ways in our life, but at the root of it, is something toxic that if left untreated it will grow and infect every aspect of your life. Year after year I allowed my fear, my anger and my guilt to grow inside me till one day it took control. I lost sight of the truth, and I lost sight of the way. I believed a lie, and I was reminded of all the times I tried and failed, and all the times I was told I’d never be good enough, I couldn’t see the voice screaming at me, was me. We cannot go through life holding onto the baggage of our mistakes. We cannot go through life holding onto our failures, and forcing others to carry our baggage by the way we treat them. The truth is, we don’t need to hold onto our fear, our sorrow, our pain in order to learn from it. We don’t need to carry it with us to remind us of the past. If God can wipe away our sins as if they never existed at all, then we must shed that dark spot on our heart, and see the beating of a heart washed by the blood shed for us. We cannot move forward in our lives if we do not allow ourselves to forgive our greatest source of pain. For everyone this looks different. Were you abused physically, emotionally, sexually? Have you lost loved ones by the hands of someone else? Have you been the cause of pain in others lives? We must learn to forgive both others and ourselves. Forgiveness isn’t always easy, but it does start with a single step. ‘I Forgive You.’ If you have to say this to yourself, or if you have to say this in your head every day directed at someone, you have to start by allowing yourself to feel it. Let the heart lighten, let the heart soften by the touch of God. Jesus is the healer of all things, and in all things Jesus is the answer.

 

The day we face Jesus and we know our King, we know the Glory that awaits us, what will your heart feel? Stand in the presence of God knowing your sins have been wipped clean, and in the glory of the Holy Spirit you are loved. We are so loved and yet we struggle expressing that love to one another. Do not let your hearts be troubled with the memories of the past. Do not allow yourself to fall to sorrow any longer. Find healing in the light of God and close your eyes and see the face of Jesus. Close your eyes, and imagine the king’s hands wiping your tears away. Allow yourself to face the pain and grieve. Imagine the love of God and the true power, the true healing power of the glory of the Lord.

 

God gave us Jesus for the days of sorrow, and the days of triumph. God gave us Jesus to save us from ourselves, and to free us from our own darkness. God gave us Jesus to guide us when we loose our way. God gave us Jesus to know as both friend and King. God gave us Jesus for a personal relationship and there are no words we could say to ever give thanks to our creator. God gave us Jesus to heal our souls, and show us how to live. God gave us Jesus to show us how to love. God gave us Jesus to cure us of our fears, and reassure us when we doubt. God gave us Jesus to show us the way.

 

When we seek, Jesus will help us find it. When we hurt Jesus will help us heal it. We must learn to trust in Jesus and lift our eyes to the King when tears fall to the ground. Ephesians 4:32“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  Forgiveness can be the hardest thing we ever do in our life. When we hurt beyond belief, when we feel like there’s nothing left we can do to deal with our pain, there’s one word that will set you free, forgiveness. Jesus shows us how to love. Jesus shows us how to forgive. Jesus tells us we have to forgive. We cannot hold onto the pain others have caused, and we must forgive beyond our own pride. We must accept we’ve made a mistake, and we must set all that hurt free. Give the pain to God and forgiveness of others and ourselves. Jesus, show me how to do the impossible and forgive. Jesus show me how to forgive myself, and learn to move forward. Learn the grace and be set free. The power of forgiveness, because the only prisoner of the pain is you. Forgiveness is releasing your pain because that pain doesn’t define you. We expect forgiveness of our sins by the Father, so shall we learn to give forgiveness because it’s rarely deserved but that’s not why we forgive. Do not be slave to the pain inside. Do not let it consume you.

 

I allowed my self-loathing control me. I allowed my doubts to grow and I lost sight of my Lord. I lost sights of the truth that is Jesus Christ. I lost sight of so much, but on this day if you’re holding onto a grudge, if you’re holding onto pain in your heart, let it go by lifting it up to the Lord. Let Jesus wash away your pain, and begin to heal your damaged heart. Allow the Lord to peer into your heart, and opening your eyes to what you may have hidden even from yourself. Those who bully others are angry with themselves. Those who belittle others have wounded souls of their own. Hurting people hurt others, and we must offer forgiveness no matter how deeply our own pain runs. My Lord is more then enough to heal and in that healing I find hope. My heart is broken, but in Jesus it’s mended. My life should have ended in a moment of doubt, in a moment of pain, and in a moment of lie I now find forgiveness was the key all along.

 

My greatest legacy isn’t one thing, no, it’s the journey of my failures, and rising like a phoenix from the ashes into a man who finally understands the true meaning of love. I have said I love others and many I still do, but I never loved myself. I was a house built on the sand and when the waves came in, it knocked my foundation back to the sea. I wasn’t strong because I never saw myself as value. I realize I have value because Christ loves me. Jesus saved me and for that I now know it was self-forgiveness that was missing all along. We will fall, and we will stumble but Jesus loves us and will pick us up, wipe away our tears, heal our hearts, and move forward. Here and now be honest and forgive someone you’ve denied. Don’t let another day go by holding onto your bumps and bruises. You will be made flawless by the cross, no matter the scars held deep inside. Bring your shame, your tired, your guilt, your failures, bring them all to the Lord let yourself be redeemed by the spirit. When you look in the mirror instead of seeing your failures, see Christ looking back at you. You will be called many things by many people, but the one that matters is the Love of Jesus which is louder then anything that can be done to you in this world. Jesus lives in your heart, and if you make room for Jesus there is no room for the pain you hold onto. Forgive others, and forgive yourself. Today before the day comes when you may not be able to. Apologize to those you’ve hurt, and pray for forgiveness, and that goes for yourself. Let Jesus heal you, and be the light taking you out of the darkness you’ve been in. Just let it go, and love.

To those who’ve wronged me, to those who’ve hurt me, and to myself who’s made a number of big mistakes, forgive today and don’t wait another day.

 

 

 

Heart Beat

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Heart Beat

It hurts when someone you care about dismisses you and walks away. It hurts when it feels your hearts been shattered into a million pieces. I tell my heart to beat, and I pray for healing from the Lord. I have allowed my heart to be manipulated and I’ve felt as it’s been crushed under the cruelty of one person I’ve cared for. I’ve let them into my life, and I’ve let them hurt me time and again. What kind of fool am I to trust my heart and hope for a change in someone who obviously doesn’t want the warmth and conviction of the Lord. A life that was torn down in a single day, destroyed and buried under the rubble of the palace that once stood. A perfect place it was not, but a home nevertheless. I have tried to move forward, but my instincts were to be there when I was needed. My instincts were to forgive, and offer the benefit of the doubt. How wrong and foolish I was. I attempted to shield my heart, but just the sight of her would be enough to lower those defenses and I was left vulnerable to even the simplest of words. I failed myself, and I have been left with the knife still sticking out of my chest. I was foolish and like a fool who listened to no one, I am left with the shattered pieces crushed under a boot.

If you’re like me and trying to put your life back together after an affair, or divorce, or a loss of a loved one, rest assured though the path is long, the path is hard, there is light on that path. Psalm 34:18 “18 The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” In all things God can heal. We need to look to the one true King and never place our self worth on those around us. People aren’t perfect and they will fail you. Psalm 71:20 “20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.” No mater how far down you feel, no matter how muddy the waters, the mud and the muck can’t hold you forever. We must dig deep and pull the strength that God sees within us out. We must trust where our strength comes from, the true source of power, the Lord Jesus Christ. We must have faith that in all things God is working to shape us, to guide us, to show us the way. No matter the pain and suffering we may face, the pain won’t last forever.

God will start healing our broken selves as soon as we allow the Spirit into our hearts. God wants to help us, God wants to heal us, but we have to make the first steps. We have to be willing to let that pain go. We have to be willing to free ourselves of that pain. We as people often hold onto that pain, as if it becomes a part of us, who we are. We must learn to let God take our pain, give into that and release everything to God. Don’t hold onto that pain because it grows, and it spreads, and it infects everything. Don’t loose sight of what’s important. 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 “8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” Truly the only thing that matters is the Love of Jesus Christ who was tortured and hung on a rugged cross for the sins of you and me. He became separated from the God above to receive the full wrath of God and when you talk about that kind of sacrifice, that kind of Love, the pain inflicted by another person doesn’t seem so bad. People are sinful, they make mistakes, they are selfish, and if we are to understand the nature of love, the love of the Lord is a love that is never ending, and it will never fail us. We may never deserve it, and we should have to suffer for our sinful selves, but God’s love and forgiveness is more powerful then anything we could ever imagine. So when you feel as if you’re in pieces on the floor, let God wrap you up in the wings of the angels on high and find yourself being put back together. Have faith and trust in the love that rules on high.

Letting Go

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Letting Go

Life isn’t always the way we have planned. Sometimes things happen and it hurts us. Friends leave or hurt our feelings, loved ones abandon us, someone insults us, all number of things can do damage to our sometimes-sensitive psyches. The thing is, pain is all part of life. When it happens it isn’t fun at all, and it can leave a lasting mark on our hearts. It can turn to scars and those scars if not careful can harden your heart. We need to remember that for every ounce of pain we endure, there may be something greater coming in the future we are being prepared for. “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. “You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” – C.S. Lewis. 1 Peter 5:10 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” Suffering happens to everyone, but as a Christian we expect to endure great hardships. 1 Peter 4:12-13 “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” Being a Christian isn’t always easy. It often takes great strength and fortitude to manage the trials day in and day out. People can be callused in their heart and they may say and do things that hurt and cut us deeply. We must know this and find ways to manage, and see this from a different perspective. Isaiah 48:10 “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”

Set your eyes to the lord

 When we are down and stressed, when we are joyful and blissful, we should always look to the Lord. When our eyes are set on the Lord our lives are closer to being on the right path. Proverbs 4:25-27 “Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: remove thy foot from evil.” We must look, but we must see beyond the surface. We must have faith and trust that our trials come with a purpose. When hardships happen are we taking them to the Lord? Colossians 3:2 “Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.” The only true ways out of the fire is the Lord. When we realize we need the Lord we are one step closer to a healthy relationship with our Father.

Looking forward not back

We must have the strength to take our steps forward. We must always move forward and never go backwards. The horizon isn’t some place to ponder; it’s a place to venture towards. As the days begin with the rising sun remember that every day is a painting. Every day is a new fresh canvas for the Lord to paint our lives. Like a drop in the water, the ripples of our life from the smallest things could always move us into position for great things. Isaiah 43:18 “Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.” All things happen for a reason and in those reasons we must have faith. We will be strengthened by our pain, and like a sword in the forged, it takes time, it takes fire, it takes the hammer, and the anvil to shape the beautiful steel sword. When sharpened we can cut through the enemy because we were forged by the Holy Spirit. Philippians 3:13-14 “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” The prize for us is eternal salvation. We mustn’t allow our past to hold us back. We mustn’t get stuck in the pain and force ourselves to relive it daily. While it’s not easy to move past the pain, but if we use the pain, harness it’s raw power and effect, we can believe in our hearts it’s for a purposes. Job 17:9 “The righteous also shall hold on his way, and he that hath clean hands shall be stronger and stronger.” Kneel in prayer taking only a moment to physically stop moving, but allowing your spirit to fly and thrive in the light of the world. In the darkest of storms when we have the Holy Spirit inside us, we may be going through our own struggles, but as a Godly person remember you may be going through your own storms, and you may be looking for your own light in the darkness, but think about it this way, what if you’re someone else’s light in the darkness? What if how you manage your pain is the strength and inspiration someone else needs? 1 Corinthians 13:12 “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” The reflection we see may not always be what we expect, but as we continue to grow in our faith, that reflection will reveal more of our true image, the image that was created by God to be loved by God, and when we look in the mirror one day we will see God standing with us.

 Don’t Dwell on the past

We can’t get stuck, we must move forward, and if we ever do get caught worrying about our past, we must remember Matthew 6:27 “Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?” Worrying about yesterday, and focusing on what we did wrong, or what was done wrong to us doesn’t add a single moment to our life. Now I’m not saying don’t reflect, don’t review the past to make your tomorrow better but don’t worry about it, don’t forget to move past it. When we do that, when we finally figure out how to do an affective After Action Review, we can adjust and overcome, and make tomorrow a better day.

Giving your hurt to God

Every day we have choices to be made. We choose to get out of bed, we choose to go to the bathroom, to eat breakfast, to look at your phone, or to turn on the TV. We make choices about what to wear, where to go, to go to work, to stop at the gas station on the way, or wait till later. So in our every day choices, are we choosing to let God into our hearts? Are we choosing to be mad at someone for what they said to us? Are we choosing to forgive or not? Are we choosing to remain in the fire of our own making? Are we choosing to remain in our own prison? We need to learn to choose to give our pain our suffering, our struggles to God. We need to choose to let God into our hearts, and have the faith to let go of what we cannot control. When we learn to take the hands off the wheel and let God take over, we realize that we weren’t ever in control anyway. Loving God is a choice, and letting go of the pain inside is also a choice. It’s not one that’s easy, and it takes practice, and time, but in those it takes and requires effort. Facing our fears, and our pain is hard, and we need to handle that just like we walk to the refrigerator. It’s one step, one moment at a time, and before we know it we start to feel a little less pain, a little less grief. Philippians 4:6-7 “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” The pain may never go away but it won’t define us. The betrayal of close friends, loved ones, may always stay with us, but we can learn to trust again. We can learn to love again. People are fickle creatures, and can be motivated by a million different things in their own life. The pain we have can be the forging fire and we can become stronger if we grow, or if not heat-treated right a sword may become brittle. We don’t want to be the brittle steel broken at the first blow, we want to be strong and dependable. If every moment is more then you can take, and you have troubles and you need strength the one place to find refuge is Matthew 11:28-30 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Remember that the phrase “God will never give you more then you can take.” Is not scriptural at all. When you feel like you can’t take anymore the refuge you seek is Jesus Christ. God may not pull up on the rains to slow things down, but whatever you ‘need’ God will provide to you. You will always have the tools to get through the pain, and the suffering if you just look to God and pray for the help you need.

In every day life we will have friends come and go. We will have days of great joy, and days of great sorrow. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to just cry some days. Don’t get stuck in the misery, but remember God gave us our feelings for a reason and it’s important to remember some days you just need the sweet release of tears. Some days you need a good belly laugh, and in all these things beauty can be found. No matter what emotion you’re going through, you’re never alone. You may walk in the snow and see only one set of footprints, but that doesn’t mean Jesus is right there with you. The important thing is to find ways to handle those emotions. We cry to the Lord and even if we are crying the Lord is pleased because we are coming to our Savior, but sad that we are in pain. Forward always, and never backwards, because Jesus is always in front of us, hand extended to pull us through the day. Not for one moment in this life are we forsaken and forgotten.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Faced

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Two Faced

Some people hide away feelings, by burying them deep down. Some people run from their feelings. Other people live their life embracing their duality. They are kind to you to your face, and lie behind your back to anyone who will listen. I’ve seen this many times in my life but particularly meeting people online. Many people will talk to you like nothing’s wrong. I’ve watched as people would talk to me and smile, and seem interested, but quietly block me ending all conversations. I’ve also seen people tell me one thing, lie to my face, and go behind my back and break long standing trust. Sadly this is something that seems to be growing in popularity as time goes on. The Bible speaks on duel minded people. Psalm 28:3 “Draw me not away with the wicked, and with the workers of iniquity, which speak peace to their neighbours, but mischief is in their hearts.”

 We who are unstable in our faith, who waiver in our foundation of Christ, are easy moved. James 1:6“But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.” It’s hard being the ones on the receiving end. It’s hard being lied to, and figuring out who’s being true. James 1:8 “being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” People who live lives as hypocrites isn’t a new thing. It goes back all the way to biblical days and likely prior to that. Matthew 23:24 “Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess.”

In my life the pain that’s been caused from those who have chosen to live this life is difficult, but what’s worse is when it’s someone whose sworn a vow to be with you. Someone who’s promised their life to you, and has chosen to be an adulteress instead. James 4:4 “You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” All we can do is pray for them and try to mend a broken heart, and broken trust. We are all human, and we all fall pray to the Devils lies and false promises. The Devil wants us to fail so when temptation is offered sometimes it’s hard to resist. If there’s a chink in the armor the Devil will find a way in. He’s always testing the waters, always testing the boundaries, always looking for some weak point to exploit. People are flawed, and people make mistakes. Be sure when they do you open your arms in forgiveness. Just because someone falls pray to the Devils lies today, doesn’t mean it won’t be you tomorrow.

We will always find people who do this. It’s common in high school and middle school, but you would hope as you grow out of that adolescent time period that truth and honesty would be important. When we find ourselves face to face with someone who lies behind our back, or has a duel behavior, all we can do is pray. We must learn to make safe boundaries for those people. We don’t want to abandon our brothers and sisters in Christ, but we don’t want to set ourselves up for pain either. Do not be unequally yoked with the people you are close to. People who are in a marriage with should not be unequal in their beliefs.

While I am a firm believer in giving people more then one chance to make up for wrong doing, I have found in my own life I often give way to many chances. I have put myself in positions where I am hurt over and over because I am not careful with the trust I give to someone. I have let people back into my life after they have said and done very awful things to me. I have watched as my life has been destroyed by people I care for and have let me back into my life, only to watch them do more damage later on. We must remember to protect ourselves from harmful people. You have to keep yourself safe and therefore strong. We must not allow the wolves inside the walls. Wolves are cunning and when hunting they will test the boundaries to try and find a way inside. They thrive on that behavior. All we can do is hope one day they see the error and cruelty of their ways, but until then pray and hope God enters their heart.

 

The Power of Love

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The Power of Love

How does someone love through the pain? How does someone love through the betrayals? How does someone love after torture? How does someone love after immeasurable loss? How can someone endure so much, and still manage to see the sun rise and get up and continue walking? The cruelty of the world can beat us down like a prizefighter, one blow after another and when we hit the mat it’s easy to want to stay down and not get punched in the face again. The grace of God was given to man despite the torture, the ridicule, the murder of eternity. No matter what horrible things we’ve done as a society, the war, the slavery, the racism, the most important thing to remember is the truest of truths and that’s the power of love.

I was talking to someone once who had undergone an enormous amount of pain, she was raped, and she struggled with feeling safe and normal again. The key I told her was forgiveness. She asked me how I could forgive so many for the pain they had done to me, and my response was simple. Luke 23:34 “And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments.” We must remember that even after torture, and being hung on the cross, Christ new forgiveness was routed in love. That love supersedes all. We could never do enough to overcome our own sin. We could never do enough works to bribe our way into heaven. But through love we have been given the blessings of such, and the forgiveness to go along with it. Our forgiveness to others must come from our hearts. Forgiveness is never something someone can earn, never something they have to work towards. Forgiveness is about correcting the balance within ones self. If we are not just made to forgive those whom we know, it’s ever more important to know that love is not exclusive. Luke 6:35 “35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.” Even our greatest foe, our worst nightmare, the worst mankind has to offer must be loved.

When you are in love with someone, and your heart aches for them, when the time apart from them seems like an eternity, when just the sound of their voice, the flutter within your own heart at the text that comes from them, the smile you get from ear to ear is infectious. The joys of being in love with someone, and how the worry of the world fades away. One cannot be blinded by love in mistake for lust or infatuation, however the true art of loving someone beyond that will bring absolute beauty to ones life. The greatest thing we can feel in our life is love.

Jude 22-23 “22 And have mercy on those who doubt; 23 save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment[a] stained by the flesh.” The sins we make are because of our sin nature. The draw of the Devil pulling us to loose control and focus on our deepest desires even if they are despicable to what is right and wrong. We must love even the sinner, even the worst of the sinners. This isn’t an easy charge, but to love our neighbors isn’t just a suggestion, it’s a commandment. Matthew 22:36-40 “36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

 It’s never easy to do, but when we are hurt and our pain is eating us from the inside out, the pain we have, the sorrow that stains our heart, we must learn that love is the cure. Loving must come from within. Romans 12:9 “9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” In order for us to find peace, and to be at rest even in the hardest of times, we must learn to focus our thoughts on love. 1 Peter 4:8 “8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” No matter what the event, whether it’s murder, it’s rape, or war, or terrorism, or thievery, or just getting cut off in traffic, no matter what it is, forgiveness must start from within.

Christ set us free with love, and we must learn also to set ourselves free. We can’t just forgive those who harm us, but when we make mistakes, when we wrong others, we must first attempt to apologize and repent meaning make actual steps to right the wrongs we have done. We must also learn to forgive ourselves. We must learn to be at peace with our sinful mistake, and do all we can to make it right. We may not be granted forgiveness from those whom we hurt, but that’s between them and God. All we can ever do is attempt to repent for our mistake and hope it’s enough. If it’s not enough for the flesh, we must as the bigger question, was it enough to God’s standards? We have no one to please on this earth, only God is the judge that matters. While forgiving others may be easy for some, the forgiving of ones own faults and sins may be the hardest thing anyone ever does. Remember that God loves you no matter what, and that power of love is strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Love is strong enough to overcome hurtful words, hurtful actions, and hurtful beliefs. Not everyone will love the way they should, not everyone will love and be able to hold onto that love, but Love is still the greatest of all, and no matter what ‘people’ say, Love is the greatest of commandments. Again to use the motto of Hard Rock Café’ Love All, Serve All. In the words of Celine Dion:

We’re heading for something
Somewhere I’ve never been
Sometimes I am frightened
But I’m ready to learn
(‘Bout) Of the power of love

 

 

 

Stop Living In The Past

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Stop Living In The Past

I was recently talking to one of my very best friends and in the process I made note how much the month of September scared me, and for obvious reasons she understood. While I am absolutely terrified that something bad will happen this month, I have a hard time separating fear from reality. As each and every day is a new struggle coupled with a new attack, we must always be alert, and always learning new ways to defend against the attacks in the dark.

In our world no matter what time period you live in there’s always a war being waged. “There’s battle lines being drawn, nobodies right if every bodies wrong.” (Buffalo Springfield) As we move through life we are always running, running away from something, running away from someone, we are running to someone or something. The idea that we are running from something is a universal constant. Me in my life I’ve always run from my pain. I’ve always tried to hide it, to bury it, and keep it locked up so no one could ever see it, especially myself. I’ve found it difficult to move forward from my most recent trauma. I’ve known people that struggled to move past the death of a close loved one and I’ve seen as it’s taken it’s toll on relationships. I’ve seen people stay stuck on old relationships and even marriages that have ended badly, for a long time and sometimes several years.

If we are going to figure out a way to face this problem head on, we must go to scripture. Philippians 3:13-14 “13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” We know that there’s always a time for everything.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.”

 

While in every situation there’s a time for everything in life, we must not get stuck in a loop of any stage. We must grieve when we need to, and move forward. We must learn what season we are in verses the season we should be in. Obviously in life it’s never that simple. There can be many things that stunt or prevent us from being able to move to the next season, but as a Christian we must always try and overcome those obstacles.

Don’t let the Devil trick you in believing you can’t do something. Don’t let the Devil trick you to think you aren’t worth anything. After my wife left me, I felt like I was worthless and no one loved me. I felt like I deserved my fate. I didn’t think anyone would ever love me again. When I survived a horrible attack on my team in Iraq and I watched as my friends died, the gut feeling I had just 15 minutes prior left me with survivors guilt. I’ve spent the better part of the last year fighting every day to grow and face my fears. I’ve struggled day in and day out with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Within those feelings is the war between good and evil. The literal war being waged inside is a struggle some people face every day. God is King of Kings, and over the entire world we see and don’t see. When our life is ripped away and we feel as if nothing good remains the nature of the flesh is hard to overcome and face the darkness inside. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “ For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. 5 We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ” The war being waged inside we must understand that in a war there are casualties. Sometimes they are casualties seduced by the dark side and sometimes they are innocent people.

I’ve seen men who claimed to be men of God fall to the darkness. I’ve seen men I looked up to forsake me and make decisions that were a direct contradiction to scripture. For years I was told your witness to others was incredibly important as a Christian man. We must always conduct ourselves in a way that is pleasing to God, but also uphold ourselves according to the word. When we choose to support wrong doing over the wronged, or when we allow ourselves to let fear and anger dictate our actions in why we do something, we can easily make wrong decisions. When we abandon those in need, people we claim to care about we see what kind of person really is. It’s easy to praise God when things are great, and when we are dying we often pray to God to save us, but when about when things are just bad. Do we praise God, or do we curse his name? When things go bad and we walk away from someone who’s having a legitimate hard time, abandon them when they need family the most, how does your witness stand up then? The truth is, we all make mistakes, but once a mistake is made true Christians will attempt to right the wrong. We learn as Christians we cannot place our faith in people because beyond a doubt they will forsake you, they will turn on you, they will walk away from you. Mankind is fallen and we can and should only expect so much from others. We can hope for the best, but in accordance to scripture be prepared for them to let you down at some point. Sometimes people will leave you, walk out of your life and never return. People are full of worldly desires, and often make bad choices instead of returning to scripture and thinking about what the word says before moving forward. If you want to overcome this within yourself, you must constantly turn to scripture to help you through the toughest times you will face.

While in my own life I have lost people, and I’ve had people turn their backs on me, I’ve had people walk away, I’ve had those whom I loved betray me and my trust, the truth is, as much as it hurts, how surprised should I have truly been? When you loose father figures, spouses, or other loved ones it’s hard to create a reason to justify why someone did what they did. As Christians we can’t allow ourselves to stay in the past. We must learn to walk away from the negativity of the past and live in the present. Just like the ways of the Jedi we must learn to live in the present. “A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph! Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless!” (Empire Strikes Back, Yoda) Not saying of course we can’t enjoy life, and have love, we must learn to live in the now and not the past, and the future. While the past is where we are most negative, we look to the future with hope and optimism most of the time. We don’t look to the future with a negative perspective most of the time. We have grand plans, and we see the future we want, one full of rainbows and lollipops. In all actuality the future will have hardships and disappointment. We must learn to plan for the future and make sure we put our hands in the dirt, and boots on the ground. While we prepare for the future we must live in the moment. We cannot dwell on the past, instead study it, learn from it and use it to make better decisions in the future. In our daily walk with Christ we should always take a moment to think about scripture to see if our choices match up with the teachings of Jesus Christ. If you are a roll model to someone, a Christian roll model, it’s especially important to make sure that we are leading by example.

It can be difficult facing a life where people have left you, abandoned you, disappointed you, but we must always remember that the King of Kings is still sitting on the throne still in command of the forces of light in this world. Don’t fall prey to the darkness, don’t allow it to destroy your hope, or the light inside you. The draw of the dark side is strong, but we must learn to stop ourselves from succumbing to that feeling, and allow the light to snuff out the darkness. Even the slightest bit of light can keep the darkness at bay. We must learn to harness that goodness inside, allow the Love and Grace of Jesus Christ to fill our very souls and treat others with respect and love. No matter how much someone hurts you by their actions we must be able to forgive and accept that the nature of being human is to make mistakes. The nature of being Christian is to forgive and be there to love and help on a path towards Jesus. As a Christian when you make a mistake you should do everything in your power to make it better, to right the wrongs you’ve committed. Never allow pride or guilt to be the driving force in your decisions. Be a guiding light for someone, and live your life as a good witness towards others.

 

 

 

 

Do you have your passport?

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Do you have your passport?

John 14:6 “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” We know that the only way to heaven is to believe in the Son Jesus Christ. I have traveled over a large portion of the world and during those travels I had to use my passport to do so. When we die we have a choice of where we want to travel next. When we live our lives our actions will dictate where we go. Just like our passport to travel abroad, our passport doesn’t always give us the ability to travel to any country they want. Parts of China, Russia, and North Korea for instance are not permissible with a passport alone.

In Romans 10:9 it reconfirms the point that you cannot travel to Heaven without the relationship with Jesus Christ. “Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” The point is simple, we have straightforward rules to follow and if we do that, if we give our lives to Christ and accept that we are small in the grand scheme of life.

When we think about eternity why are we so stubborn to face the facts of life like a good honorable person? Sometimes in life it’s difficult to keep ourselves focused on the big picture. We often want the feel good medicine. We give up our morals, our compass that points to God for the things that give us worldly gratification. We often fall short in our walk with Christ, but thankfully the gatekeeper of Heaven is an understanding guy. Heaven is a place for those who are proclaimed sinners, people who know they’ve done wrong, and in the midsts of those mistakes try to pay the penance for them, they try to redeem themselves, and ask God for forgiveness for the sins committed, a person who tries to do the works for the pleasure of God. We cannot get to heaven through good works, but in our love of Christ, we are compelled to do good works because we are the hands and feet of Christ Jesus.

Make sure that as you live your life just like your drives license and your passport, you keep your faith renewed. Knowing Jesus and knowing that through Him is the only way into heaven that’s your passport. Make sure you keep it with you in your daily walk. Make sure you keep it updated by reading your bible, spending time with other Christians, loving your neighbors, and doing the works God has placed on your heart. Have faith in the Lord and you will be rewarded with a one way trip to eternal grace.

 

 

Dead or Alive

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Dead or Alive

The wanted poster nailed to the wall with your picture, it says Wanted Dead or Alive. We live our life some choose good, while some choose bad. We fight to move, we move to survive. While this world is a jungle with traps everywhere you look trying to drag you to your knees. We try to survive by doing what our conscious, our moral compass tells us is the right thing to do. Some people their compass allows them to hurt anyone around them. Some live to serve others, and others just want to get by and be left alone, but the jungle doesn’t discriminate, it lies and waits for anyone to fall into it’s trap, like quicksand it grabs you and pulls you down until you are covered and can no longer breathe. The world’s jungle doesn’t judge you, it tries to destroy everyone, and attempts to bring everyone down. The truth is the world doesn’t care if you’re dead or alive because the world is Sin. The Devil is like the Sheriff in Robin Hood. This is a character that always tries to trap and capture the good man Robin Hood and the Merry Men who only want to help those who can’t help themselves. The Devil wants to corrupt the hearts of man. The Devil wants to draw you away from the path of righteousness and doesn’t care how. You see the Devil wants you dead or alive. The Devil wants you to spread evil and hate, and if you won’t, the Devil doesn’t care how he breaks you. Either you spread the hate, or deny Christ, either way the Devil wants you to die doing one of the other that way you never enter the eternal gates of Heaven.

How do we overcome our death sentence, and how do we survive the jungle? God can save us and has saved us from the chains that once bound us to eternal damnation. The chains were broken when innocent blood was spilt, an innocent man was killed as an inadvertent sacrifice to the Lord above on Passover. The Pharisees who killed Jesus didn’t understand his purpose, they didn’t understand the very scripture they had spent a lifetime learning and teaching. The Lord of all went to trial and on trumped up charges accepted the sentence of torture and crucifixion. Jesus knew the sentence, he allowed the temptation to occur in the garden and still denying the Devil three times and then allowed the Roman soldiers to take action against him. Knowing he was going to die the most painful death, he found it in His heart to heal the very roman soldier that had come to take him to his death. He healed the soldier whose ear had been cut off. Forgiveness was still in His heart. The blood spilt that day before the sun had set fulfilled scripture. The eclipse and the earthquake that split the temple tapestry that symbolized the curtain between man and God was no more. While the Devil wanted mankind to die because of jealousy, because of hate, because of sin, the Devil wanted mankind to never have the relationship with God, never wanted mankind to be allowed to where the Devil was banished. Since the Devil wasn’t able to prevent the sacrificial lamb from His fate, now the Devil continues to fight for the souls of mankind.

While the Devil wants us dead or alive, Jesus promised life. We have the opportunity to live and avoid the death sentence the Devil would want for us. Salvation is simple yet difficult at the same time. Sin is strong and pulls at us always. Why does someone have a casual relationship with the truth and lies so easily and frequently? Why is murder so easy for some? Why is hate and bigotry so simple for some? Sin takes so many lives. There’s no real way to know the casualties of war. When we watch someone die we can only hope and assume they were saved. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? Are you lost because sadness and frustration is all you’ve ever known? We must learn to let it go, and see the light above the clouds. While the war rages on day in and day out, always know that just because you can’t see the sun through the clouds doesn’t mean it isn’t there. You’ve felt the cold and evil pull of Satan, but if you trust that one day the clouds will split because the Lord of the Universe has promised to defeat Sin, promised to cast the deceiver down into the vast pit of Hell and create a new Heaven and a New Earth where there will be no more sorrow, and no more tears. Let it go, let go of all the pain that stains your heart, let go of the hate that sits in your heart. Let go of your desperation and remember that just because you can’t see or feel God, doesn’t mean He isn’t with you always. Hope is a fragile thing, but scripture rings truth. Remember all the promises God has made to us. Don’t allow yourself to fall to the traps within this jungle. We never know when the end will come and we don’t want to fall into a trap before we accept Christ into our hearts. We know our salvation rests within Christ so be sure to keep your salvation packed away tucked in tight so you don’t loose it, but to have it means to use it, if you don’t use it you could loose it.

Exodus 14:14 “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Isaiah 40:29 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”

Isaiah 40:31 “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Psalm 23 “1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surelygoodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”

 Have faith in the Lord. Remember that just because charges may be brought against you that doesn’t mean you’re guilty. Remember that you will stand trial and the sins will be weighed at the foot of the cross. Never let Satan take your hope from you for as long as God is God, and God is still on the throne there is always hope. Let there be no mistake God is still in control, and just because the bad things that happen to us, and it seems like the end of the world God can and does always use every situation for a chance for us to bring Glory to His name. Never forget who the judge is. You and I aren’t it, and Satan certainly isn’t it even though he is the corrupt lawyer trying to get your death sentence sped up. Thee Judge on high sees right through Him. Jesus was our defense lawyer and no wicked sheriff or prosecutor will be able to get past the righteousness of our Father.

“Let mercy come and wash away what I’ve done. I’ll face myself to cross out what I’ve become.” “For what I’ve done I start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends I’m forgiving what I’ve done I’ll face myself to cross out what I’ve become Erase myself And let go of what I’ve done” (Linkin Park) Remember that asking God for forgiveness, asking others for forgiveness, is only part of it. We must learn to forgive ourselves also. We will make mistakes we’re human. If you’re going to be placed on trial be sure to only face the charges that are yours face. Forgiving one’s own mistakes is sometimes harder then accepting it from others so be sure to look inside and face the truth for what it is. Don’t accept responsibility for things you haven’t done, but be man enough to accept the things you have. We all face trial in the end. Do you want to die, or do you want to live? Eternal death, or eternal life, the choice is ours. The life we live is hard, but most of what life is, is just fluff anyway. Learn to tell the stuff that really matters and the stuff that doesn’t. Don’t let the small stuff in this life turn into big stuff at your trial. The little lies, the things like cheating, or stealing may not be big in your eyes but to God all sin is sin. Don’t let man’s laws on importance change your perspective. How you treat others, how you treat yourself, how you live the big and small, the good, the bad, and the ugly will all be presented at your trial and the Devil is just licking his chops waiting for you to sin and keep right on sinning. Do the right thing and have respect for yourself, and for others. You are responsible for your own actions, and what do you want, dead, or alive?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regret

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Regret

In our lives we make decisions that in hindsight weren’t so good. We also make great decisions that can change our lives forever. It’s the one moment where life has fallen apart around you, the moment you can’t see the next breath you take, you can’t take a single step forward, life has stopped and the world looks like it’s moving around you at near light speed. The moment when all hope is lost, and the decision you make seems like the right one, but what if there was a way to move that step forward, what if I told you there was hope, and there is a next breath, would that change your mind for the next catastrophe in your life?

For many veterans and civilians who’ve gone through trauma getting stuck in that moment is all too common. When we get stuck we go through our days only a shell of who we used to be. We eat, we work, we sleep, we may even contribute to the life around us, but we aren’t really there. The sludge of the weight of what we carry builds as we trek through the mud farther and farther. There will come a point when you have the black tar from your shoes up to your neck. At some point you won’t be able to move forward anymore. No matter what our event is, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the loss of a spouse, sexual assault, horrific car accident, fire, or even just a series of events that you have entered that hurts those around you. We often push away people we love because we don’t want them to see us in pain, we don’t want them to see us suffering. We push away to defend ourselves, and them, from potential damage. We don’t want to drag anyone down with us, and sometimes it’s because we just can’t see beyond our own pain.

Being pushed away by someone who’s going through a lot of pain is hard. Knowing you want to help, and feeling powerless is perhaps the most difficult position to ever be in. Seeing someone you care about in pain, seeing them walk down a dark path, and when all you want to do is take their pain away and shower them in love, yet you’re held away, and pushed and kicked out of their life, is heart breaking.

For each of our mistakes we see the other side of other peoples. When we know they are making a mistake all we can do is pray for them. All we can do is hope that one day they will turn around from the path they’re on and hopefully do so before anything to bad happens they can’t come back from. For me I gravitated to the song One Step Away by Casting Crowns:

 What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again
And unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away
From the you, you once knew
Now yesterday’s shame keeps saying that you’ll never get back on track
But what if I told you

You’re one step away from surrender
One step away from coming home, coming home
One step from arms wide open
His love has never let you go
You’re not alone
You’re one step away

It doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone
Mercy says you don’t have to keep running down the road you’re on
Love’s never met a lost cause
Your shame, lay it down
Leave your ghosts in the past ‘cause you know that you can’t go back
But you can turn around
You’ve never been more than

 We aren’t ever alone. This message goes out to my veteran brothers and sisters, we aren’t ever alone. We sit at home, we have the open bottle of beer or booze, and we seclude ourselves in the dark, thoughts screaming in our head. We can’t seem to get out of the way. This, is, torture. When we trained for war we trained as a team. When we get home we see that no one is there for us, no one understands, how could anyone, they weren’t there. The thing is, that’s all an elaborate lie by the Devil to separate us from the world, and break us down. It’s not true. There are plenty of other veterans out there struggling with their own replay of war. Something else I’ve learned is trauma is trauma no matter what kind. Sexual assault, loss of loved ones, fire, car accidents, none of that is exclusive to military. Sure firefights may be a bit more segregated, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t there for you. We have support groups, veterans groups, outreach programs, and so much more to help get us all back to a good healthy place.

We all have our regrets in life but one of the biggest battles we will ever face is facing those mistakes. Allowing ourselves to heal from them on the inside by forgiving ourselves, asking others to forgive us and showing true repentance for those mistakes. Philippians 3:13 “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,” We must go forth to God and ask for forgiveness, but we also need to make it right, we need to attempt to right our wrongs. 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” One thing that I am reminded of is how easy it is to get off track. How often do we do a wrong based on how someone else wrongs us? We as Christians should hold ourselves to a higher standard, and not fall into the world expectations. We cannot allow the world to dictate how we react, or how we treat others. We mustn’t let the world tell us the lies we often feel when dealing with life’s tragedies. Isaiah 43:18-19 “18 Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. 19 Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, [and] rivers in the desert.” We cannot know what our tomorrow brings, and we cannot know what surprises will be waiting for us just around the next bend in the road.

In all things in our life we should move forward with kindness in our hearts, forgiveness isn’t something to be earned, it’s something to be given freely. We can’t hold our forgiveness hostage like some kind of ransom is required to give it. If we are to live like Christ we must learn that people are sinful, people hurt others, we hurt them, and forgiveness isn’t always rebuilding the relationship if it’s lost. Christ forgave humanity for our sins despite the awful things we as a collective whole did to Him. We were not only forgiven for past and current sins, but future sins we might face in the future. 2 Corinthians 7:10 “10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.” When Judas betrayed Christ he could not get past his own grief and he took his own life by hanging. This is worldly sorrow. There is not repentance to be had, and no chance of redemption. We all Sin, we have make mistakes big and small. Even David a man of God’s own heart was not free from them. David was well known to be a fair man as a King, but he was a horrible husband and father. Psalm 51:1- 3 “51 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.”

 No matter how far we’ve fallen, there is always a way back. Even when it’s adulatory or other forms of betrayal. Proverbs 6:32-34 “He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself. He will get wounds and dishonor, and his disgrace will not be wiped away. For jealousy makes a man furious, and he will not spare when he takes revenge.” A man shall not take revenge for himself, for revenge is not bringing harmony. Justice is for the Lord. Forgiveness is for man, asking for it, and giving it freely. Do not allow your life to come to the end and regret a multitude of things. Make right your wrongs, make right the harm you’ve cause, the pain you’ve inflicted. Seek forgiveness in others, beg for forgiveness of the Lord. Let go of your own pain, and do not carry that weight with you. If you continue to carry a weight like that around you cannot continue to God’s work when you have so much on your shoulders already. Allow God’s grace to fill you, let yourself see through God’s eyes, let yourself feel with God’s heart, and learn to let go of judgments, let go of your own sorrow. Do not allow yourself to be weighed down any longer.

We all have things in our life we wish we could take back, things we could change. We can’t ever retrieve something we’ve let slip from out mouths, undo an action, but we can attempt to make right what we’ve done. Don’t wait for tomorrow, start healing today. Let the weight of the world fall from your shoulders, and find a new way, a better way, a Godly way of dealing with life, and facing the trials ahead of you. Our way is never the way even if it’s easier sometimes the easy way isn’t the right way, sometimes the right way is the path less traveled. It’s our job as Christians to figure out the path God wants us to be on. When we don’t know the path to take we must turn to the scripture and pray about our path. Proverbs 18:13 “13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” Don’t make a decision without knowing as much of the facts as possible so be sure to not make foolish decisions. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled by fake or false information. Proverbs 18:15 “15 The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge; and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge.” When you think you know something, don’t be quick to pass judgement without gaining other perspectives and complete the story. Don’t take a story as true just on face value. Proverbs 18:15 “15 The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge; and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge.”

Knowing what to expect when problems comes up is one thing. Knowing how to respond is the second side of that coin. We must know that in our lives we will face problems, we will face trials, and in all of those trials we know that we must accept and rejoice in those times. James 1:2-4 “2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; 3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” If anyone out there is like me the WHY ME question comes up sometimes. We know that patience is something we all need more of, and in our trials we are often tasked with growing in our faith, draw closer to God and growing in patience. IF we learn how to respond to issues, we could very well have fewer regrets in our life. John 16:33“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” When standing on the beach of the ocean we do not stand with our backs to the waves (generally) because when the big one hits us we get knocked own. Instead we face the wave head on, and we brace for it. Knowing what Christ expects of us on how to handle our troubles, knowing how to handle heartbreak, and betrayals, we can minimize the damage and we can help prevent us from getting into as much trouble.

We won’t always make all the right choices all the time, we won’t always handle every situation the best we can, we are human, we are driven by sin nature, and thus we will undoubtedly make mistakes. It’s in those mistakes however we know how to seek forgiveness, and seek repentance when they do occur. It’s in those mistakes, those hardships that our true character is placed on display. We find out more about ourselves through our trials then when things are always a batch of roses. Just remember that even the prettiest of roses have thorns. Seek God for the answers to your troubles, and seek God to the direction of your path. You may not be able to get rid of regret, but you can minimize its impact.