Tag: family

A Multitude of Sins

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A Multitude of Sins

Here I sit alone in almost complete silence. The teal glow on the wall from the lava lamp, and the glow from the computer screen are the only lights on in the house. There’s no music on, no television, just a fan in the dining room I can hear. The sounds of the keys being clicked own is loud in the silence of the house. Occasionally I can hear one of the dogs yawning, or licking their paw, but it’s quiet.

What do we do when we are alone in the dark, no sounds, just the sound of our own thoughts? Where does your mind take you? Mine takes me to a place darker then that of my home right now, a multitude of sins and mistakes. How did I get here my mind asks. How has my life turned out this way, and where the heck do I go form here? The truth is I don’t know. People ask me every day what’s the plan, where are you going to go, what are you going to do? You see, people that know me best know me as the planner. In an earlier post I talked about your emergency preparedness kit and some of what’s in my hiking bag. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. I haven’t had a plan since September 18th 2016. That day all of my sins came to the surface, they came with a reckoning, a force strong enough to knock me off my balance and shake the very foundation in which I built my life. Up till that point in my life I had found myself to be relatively successful. I was happily married, doing well at work, doing great in school, working towards a baby, everything I wanted in life. I had the greatest in-laws anyone could ever hope for, a great sister in law, but fate it seems follows it’s own course, not what we want. In just a matter of a short bit of time everything I loved, the life I spent years building would crumble around me and I would loose everything. The foundation cracked and a cavern opened up under me and swallowed me whole. At the time I felt as if I’d never get out. At the time I felt that my pain, my suffering was the end of me and sadly, wrongly, I felt as if I deserved it. I felt as if my sins were coming back and I had to pay for them. I felt as if I deserved to suffer, to undergo pain and suffering.

A life of trauma built up and tucked away in a nice tidy little closet, away from the world so no one would see. The pain inside buried so deep that the mask I wore every day was good enough to fool even those closest to me. So many times I felt the sorrow the shame bubbling up from the deepest pits within myself, and as skillfully as a superhero beats down a lowly thug, I put that stop in the rising pain, and forced it to return back to the darkest places of my very soul. Compartmentalization is such a wonderful tool when dealing with pain. It can be very helpful as a short term coping mechanism but when used for trauma, the idea is to revisit the trauma soon after the crisis is over, and face the memory head on to come to grips with it. The trouble with that is when the day never comes to revisit, it’s locked away, never forgotten, but never addressed either.

What do we do when the foundation we built our very existence crumbles and falls apart? When our foundation is not as solid as we thought it was, and our deepest fears come true? When everything we’ve ever wanted is taken away, when our deepest fear is realized, and every trauma we’ve ever buried breaks out of prison with an angry vengeance the perfect storm is realized and bad terrible things happen to our minds.

When the hurricane hit me I wasn’t able to maintain my footing. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to handle, the one and only thing I knew was the word STOP. I knew it had to stop. I felt I deserved what happened to me. I felt I had a right to the pain because I had sinned. I had never lived up to be what I should have, and I earned my place. The memory slipped away after actions were taken. What happened to me? What was going to happen to me? So quickly control was fleeting, a wild chaos was quickly snapped back to a hazy reality but not without consequence. No one ever warned us this might happen. No one ever taught us the repercussions of a lifetime of running. You can’t run forever, sooner or later the past will catch up to you and when it does, it wants its payment with interest.

It would take months to realize the new reality, which was my life. It would take only days to realize how bad of a decision that had been made without conscious control. We all have to answer for our sins, and we all have to pay for them. The hard part about dealing with what we’ve done is forgiving ourselves. For me it’s always been easier to forgive others for the bad things they’ve done, but to forgive myself, you’d have better luck pulling a tooth from a T-Rex. I can never take back what happened that day, but to understand more then just the surface problem, to see beyond the facts of that day, it takes a deeper look into the human soul.

As we walk in our lives we see those around us who get caught in addiction, self-harm, physical disorders such as eating disorders, but do we ever try to address the problem? The problem on the surface is the immediate issue, but the problem I’m talking about is that below, the root of the problem. When people suffer for a long time even when we cannot see it, it can often manifest itself in ways to run and hide from the source. Eventually running is all we know. Eventually that life becomes a new reality a safe comfortable reality in our own minds. Even if from the outside it looks destructive and harmful, no doubt it is destructive and harmful, but life itself is often through the eyes of the beholder.

Survivors of alcoholism, or self-harm, suicide attempts, addictions to sleeping bills or other drugs, they know the route, but it’s everyone around that becomes the new problem. How many spectators become judgmental of the victim? Let’s use suicide as an example. If someone tries to end their life, what is the normal reaction from those around? Some are in shock and disbelief, others flock to the person showering with love and sympathy, but there are others who feel anger and distain. Suicide is often looked to as the coward’s way out, the easy way out. The anger comes from the idea that it hurts the ones who are left behind. So suicide is often known as selfish. The problem with today’s society is a lack of education on various mental health problems. There are a lot of assumptions and negative connotations that exist that doesn’t make them true. As a society we need to learn to answer pain with Love, answer hurt with Love. We’ve become so quick to push people away who cause pain, but never ask if the pain was intentional. Let me tell you, if someone’s facing addiction, or suicide, you are the last person on his or her minds. Some may leave a note behind, but the idea is never to inflict harm on others, albeit the end result is pain and suffering. Ironic that the idea to end ones own pain and suffering it will inflict that upon others, and yet that thought never crosses the victims mind. Colossians 3:12 “12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” We know that when there is pain doctors are compassionate towards the victims, EMS have a bedside manner of caring and love, but when someone in our family or friends harms themselves anger, and venomous reactions take the stage. Isaiah 49:13 “13 Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” God knows when to be compassionate and when to be hard on his children. Psalm 51:1 “1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.” Is it so hard to forgive others? Is it so hard to realize we all make mistakes and we all harm one another at some point in our lives? Forgiveness isn’t something that is supposed to take time, (realizing this is the reality) it’s something that is supposed to come from the heart. Luke 23:34 “34 Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.”

We must learn to dig deeper to see the why and not just assume. We must learn to Love first and have compassion to those in pain. We must learn to forgive and understand the sinful nature of mankind. These things are not easy, but are necessary. No matter what the world says about some stigmas the facts remain in scripture. Education is the key to being a compassionate person, understanding the driving forces behind a particular mindset can not only give you incite, but help when you come face to face with it yourself. We all know someone who’s tried to commit suicide, became addicted to something, had some sort of mental health crisis, but do we really ever know the why, or the how? How did we treat them when the initial crisis had passed? Our jobs as a Church body is to love, have compassion, not to tare down someone after they already hit rock bottom. Love not hate, it really isn’t that hard with practice.

If you are the surviver of such an addiction, or suicide attempt, know that tomorrow the day can be brighter. As the Book of Job teaches us no matter how bad a situation may look at the time, tomorrow, God can bless us and change our future in an instant. We must maintain love and faith in God, in both or blessings, and our hardships.

 

 

 

God Provides

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God Provides

Have you ever noticed how when you are faithful God provides exactly what you need when you need it? You may not have extra, but the need is provided.

I can’t help but feel a sense of gratitude towards God and all my friends who’ve helped me through this tempestuous time. As the time has gone on I began to question if the storm would ever subside. Galatians 6:9 “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” If I am not mistaken this verse tells us to continue to try and even when things are going well and we’ve poured our time and effort into the good and bad times, to not grow weary.

When times continue and our desires, the things we wish the most are not given to us it’s hard to be patient. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Being patient is hard for us little humans. Finding inner peace is not easy. I’ve spent the last 8 months searching for peace, and every time I think I’ve found it, every time I think I have made progress I stumble and fall backwards again. I try to follow John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

 The truth is I am afraid. I’m afraid I am not good enough for someone to make them happy. I am afraid I am meant for nothing more then a basic security officer never destined to amount to any kind of greatness. I have spent a lifetime judging my own success on what others think of me, my success within my relationships, and my career. In the last 8 months I have lost every bit of what I judged my own success, my own self worth. My biggest problem has always been my fear of being alone. I still fear being alone, and I still fear failing.

I know that God will provide what I need when it’s time, and I have faith that God will not want me to be alone forever, just for the time being. The hardest thing to do is to have faith especially when you’re hurting. As faithful when the sun rises, and the sun setting, knowing the world will still turn, and life will continue to move on, we must believe that the God of all things will not fail us. Surviving the desert was a miracle under the circumstances. While there however I saw some of the most beautiful sunsets and sun rises. It always reminded me that God was always there and in control.

To Find Where I Belong!

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To find where I belong!

Wandering aimlessly through the voidless desert of the hustle and bustle but to you it’s full of emptiness. Where do I belong, something’s wrong with the world, or is something wrong with me? God doesn’t make mistakes so this has to be right. Me being here is by a greater design that I don’t have clearance to see the whole plan. Fear engulfed emotions run wild. Dreaming of a place where I would find a warm welcome, a place to call home. Where can I plant my flag and finally find peace and rest in life. The constant barrage of cannon fire from the Deceiver has left me cowering for cover for too long.

A day will come when I’ll be on my way. I’ll be strong and this suffering will be a faded memory, and a scar to remind me of what I’m capable of. With God I can overcome anything. The first step is looking deep inside yourself. Start any new journey with the self-check. Be the man, the woman Jesus wants you to be.

Sometimes where you are or where you thought you were supposed to be was only temporary. The way the world can change in less then a heartbeat is powerful and scary at the same time. What does it mean to have faith? To trust in something beyond our control. To trust in the plan even when we can’t see it. To step out of your comfort zone and onto the stormy waters no mater the lies being whispered to you. The voice of God, Jesus will never leave you alone in the dark. For the Glory, the journey begins.

The walking sticks to help your trek made easier, the pack you carry to prepare for life’s challenges is no different the filling that canteen with the Holy Spirit. We may not be where we belong but that doesn’t mean we aren’t headed there. As long as you keep fighting and never give up, the lessons learned along the way will be forever useful. On the dangerous journey of life pass on the struggles, pass on the hardships, be a leader and a roll model for others struggling on their road. Be a guiding light, let people see Christ in you. There may be pain but there is grace also. The darkest sky can be darker. The waters could be higher. The tests could be harder. When we quiet ourselves and take a moment to educate ourselves on what’s going on in our world we can see worse everyday. We can always look out our cloudy window and see the more disenfranchised, the homeless, the countries with less then the least have here. Those who suffer from illness and poverty and those who have tragedy and more importantly those who parish not knowing the Lord.

This may not be where I belong but I know that God is in control. I know that God is on my side. I may not belong but my battle isn’t over. I will find my way if I am calm and listen. I will not be alone and I will find a love that will love God and me. I have faith in the Lord that I will not be forsaken. I will not be forgotten in the billions on this planet.

There is none like you oh Lord. You’ve created all, you’ve saved us all. We are so imperfect and yet so loved. We turn our backs, we don’t believe, we curse you, and still we have your grace. You oh God believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You see my importance, my worth even when others don’t. My God to you goes all the glory. I stumbled along the way but you kissed my boo boos and made it okay. You brushed me off and helped me up. Even without an earthly Father I had you, the greatest of all the Fathers anyone can hope for.

I am weak, I am a sinner and even when punished for my sins for my wrong doing I am forgiven and Loved endlessly. God’s on the move in every way, in every life even if they don’t see it. Be not afraid of what we don’t know because Gods not dead and we will live. The perfect lamb sacrificed for all of us so we may live without fear, and live to the glory of the one true King. We are free and we have a choice how to use that freedom. I have been wounded, hated, beaten and betrayed but I know the love that matters.

No I may not be home, I may be moving forward to a future unseen, a blind destiny, but I will take the leap of faith and I know God will catch me.

Hallelujah my God saves me

Hallelujah my God looks after me

Hallelujah my God never forsakes me

Hallelujah my God loves me

Hallelujah my God protects me

Hallelujah my God forgives me

Hallelujah my God died for me so I may live!

There’s no need for that

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There’s no need for that

We never know how long someone’s a major part of our lives. We never know when things will drive a wedge and crumble. Smile and say goodbye. That’s about all we can do. People come and go and we don’t know why. We don’t know the roll they will play but for every trumpet solo another ensemble will pop up and take the new lead. Have faith and pray for them. Do not be mad or dismayed. It hurts for sure, but life keeps going, and it all works out according to Gods plan.

Sometimes we can make a life changing decision without thought of the consequences. The sad truth is sometimes we can feel so lost, so distraught, so alone, even if it’s just in our own minds, for some it’s near impossible to know the road that leads up to someone who’s either attempted or succeeded in suicide. Some consider suicide a coward’s way out. While I couldn’t disagree more, I know from personal experience how traumatic the experience is for everyone involved. There is a sense of betrayal and selfish thoughts that come from the ones left behind. I myself have both lost loved ones, and have almost lost loved ones. While suicide isn’t as simple as cowardice or weak, the truth is slightly different and as there is research upon research for suicide, one common theme is seen. “In general, people do not commit suicide because they are in pain, they commit suicide because they don’t believe there is a reason to live and the world will be better off without them. “ (PsychologyToday.com) Of course it’s not always as simple as a common road map. “By dealing with deep distress and emotional pain by harming yourself with acts such as cutting, burning, sticking objects in your skin, or intentionally preventing wounds from healing, you are becoming increasingly capable of suicide.” Just because there is not or has not been past evidence of harm, doesn’t mean that enough buried pain, enough buried guilt, and sorrow, can’t be enough to have someone take their own life, or inflict extreme harm upon one’s self.

Most people have a fight or flight response, a natural inclination for self-preservation. If life offers so much pain, so much suffering, so much despair to override a basic biological urge to preserve ones self from harm or death, why then is it so hard for people to realize the courage it takes, the passion it takes to do such things to ones self. No, when someone is feeling that much despair the thoughts of loved ones, consider how they would feel if you were gone, is not usually a thought, thought of. Quite honestly often times when someone kills himself or herself they believe they are doing the world a favor. Sometimes the act is brought on so quickly no warning signs are present.

Does this mean someone’s anger gives them right to do whatever they want to the victim of self-harm? Why do people recoil instead of showering the victim in love? Why do people choose to hate or anger over love? Instead of asking ‘how could you leave me?’ ask instead ‘why did you feel so alone and hopeless?’ When someone attempts self-harm it isn’t about narcissism. Sometimes when a person has a long history of bullying, quick and sudden relationship changes, traumatic experiences, loneliness, eating disorders, existential crisis, and more, can be reasons someone who undergoes an unexpected trauma can attempt self-harm.

We should not judge to harshly about those who suffer. Instead follow the teachings of Christ, to love. People who are going through enough pain and suffering need a loving embrace more so then most. The battle does not end when the victim is released from the hospital. The battle continues and can be a long-term continuation of care. A person who looses enough self respect to loose logic, and life needs to be held and loved, not treated with anger and hatred.

There is already too much hatred in this world. People are so quick to use foul language, quick to cause pain on people around us. It is often easier to let anger and loathing dictate our emotions when some emotions are already heightened. When we are stressed and aggravated why are some so easily provoked?

Yesterday while I work, I witnessed a coworker trying to be nice, and helpful, courteous and understanding and all he got in return was distain and swear words. Sadly it came from both a mother and her teenage daughter. So many other parents noted how well my colleague handled the situation and all who witnessed told me about how well he did and had nothing but high praise. Something so simple, something so simple yet others seem to have a hard time with it, nice, kindness, these things almost seem like a distant memory.

Sadly in my own life I’ve witnessed more hatred in others then I’d care to admit for this world. Recent events in my life point me to the Book of Job. A man who looses everything in his life, his wife, children, home, wealth, his own health, all taken from him. The thing that surprised me most about it was how his friends treated him. I never put much stock in that part until it happened to me. Through the trials I’ve been through, and the unfortunate ‘drama’ as of late, I always figured I could count on my friends. As we all do, mistakes were made on my part, but I never once thought a friend would use that as the catalyst to blame me for all of my ongoing pains in my life. My unfortunate circumstance is why that friend distanced themselves from me, because they didn’t want or need it in their life. A friend who isn’t directly involved decided to be more of a conditional friend to me. When the times get tough, call me later. As the conversation progressed I learned the sad truth, that friend holds a lot of anger towards me because of something that happened 8 months ago. It’s a sad day when you must say goodbye, when it’s best for all parties to bid adieu.

We all make mistakes in our life and some of them are big enough to haunt us the rest of our days. Let me tell you this, if a friend can’t see the pain inside you, can’t see how much suffering you’re in, it’s because they don’t want to. If a friend can’t forgive you for a mistake, something that would have changed the course of a life, it’s a sad day. You may loose friends because of these types of days, but God will never leave or forsake you.

One Step Away by: Casting Crowns

 

What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again

And unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away

From the you, you once knew

Now yesterday’s shame keeps saying that you’ll never get back on track

But what if I told you

You’re one step away from surrender

One step away from coming home, coming home

One step from arms wide open

His love has never let you go

You’re not alone

You’re one step away

 

You’re never too far-gone, never alone if you just lay down the old chains and pick up the cross and follow Christ. Don’t think for one second you’re alone. No matter what there are people who can help you. There are so many crisis lines, so many organizations who want to help. If you’re low and thinking about suicide or self harm pick up the phone. If you’re battling depression or anxiety, there are those who know that pain and are always willing to share and talk.

No matter the road you may be on, there’s always hope if that road is full of unhappiness. Don’t loose hope and never quit. God is bigger and better then we could ever hope or imagine. It’s not something that is easy, but with time and practice life gets better. Be proactive and take charge. Shed a life of negativity for one of hope and love. Live by faith, and understand Gods glory.

If you are bullied, picked on, teased, insulted, remember that as much as those things hurt, there’s a way out. Jesus Christ endured all of those things, until he was murdered brutally for us. He suffered torture that could only be described as the worlds hatred and malice in one long excruciating beating that nearly left him dead. He was mocked as he struggled to carry the cross to his final resting place. He was placed on a cross were breathing would be unbearable. He was mocked and yet while this was happening he had the strength to ask God to forgive us. Forgive one another for the things we do. Love one another and don’t keep score of the bad. Just love. Don’t let anger and hatred fill your soul like a cancer. Love and believe. Look to the heavens and see the light shine through the clouds and know the clouds will be burned away and all that’s left is the sun.

 

References:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/curious/201405/why-do-people-kill-themselves-new-warning-signs

http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2014/07/23/15-common-causes-of-suicide-why-do-people-kill-themselves/

The Embrace of God

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The Embrace of God

Have you have felt so lost and afraid you didn’t know where to turn or what to do next? The last 8 months of my life have been filled with plenty of those days. Thankfully for me there is plenty of scripture to help those in need. Isaiah 50:44 “The Lord God hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned.” There have been many players who’ve been important to continue to carry on the plot in our great story. There have been particular people along the way who’ve had a special relationship with God in order to give us the tools to reach salvation, the final stage in our story. Although God has been angry with humanity in the past, today, the covenant hold true. Psalm 86:15 “But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.” It’s the love of God that gives us our comfort. Psalm 33:22 “May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” No matter how big or small a mistake we make, God will always be with us, because there is always hope that before our last breath we can give our lives to the Lord. Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

When you need that proverbial hug from the big guy upstairs, may I suggest, Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” And John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

 Some day’s scripture may not provide the comfort we’d like or hope for, but never the less, I guarantee it would be better to have it then the alternative to not. When I was in Paris I fell in love with a particular sculpture Cupid and Psyche’s Embrace, or sometimes called Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss. Although this is from Roman mythology it always reminds me of the sweet tender nature of the one true God.

We may not always feel as if God is there with us, but fear not God isn’t going anywhere. James 1:2 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,” No matter how weary and low we get know that God will always be at the ready and by our side. Isaiah 40:28 “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.” Don’t get me wrong, I often feel weak and low, but that’s when I rely more on my faith to get me through. When my faith is low and I don’t feel like I can carry my own cross anymore, there’s only one thing I can do. I listen to

Lean On Me.

 Sometimes in our lives we all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you’re not strong

And I’ll be your friend

I’ll help you carry on

For it won’t be long

‘Til I’m gonna need

Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride

If I have faith you need to borrow

For no one can fill those of your needs

That you won’t let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand

We all need somebody to lean on

I just might have a problem that you’ll understand

We all need somebody to lean on

 As Great as this is when referring to a friend, think of it more if God is that friend to lean on. God will always be there to lighten our load. We can’t get help if we don’t ask. God will always put someone in our life for us to lean on. We just need to look in the right place.

Empty shell (Behind The Mask)

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Empty shell (Behind the mask) 

I hate the way I feel, I hate the way that the world doesn’t quite seem as bright and shiny as it once used to. I hate that now I feel like something’s been taken away from me and I question if I’m ever going to get that back. I hate the way you’re happy at least on the surface. I hate what I’ve lost in myself. I hate that I’ve lost the reassurance that the world itself wasn’t such a horrible place. I hate the fact that I’m alone or at least on the surface feel alone. I hate that I feel lost. It feels like my world is crumbling around me and I hate the way I have memories for something, that I’ll never have again. I hate the feeling that I failed and I question if I’ll ever succeed again. I question how long I have to wait before my test is over. I question where I’m going to live, what I’m going do. I question the questions and if they are even appropriate to ask. What made it so bad that made it so hard to stay with me. I question what I did that was so bad that you could hurt someone to the point you’ve hurt me. I feel like you have to shell that’s been cracked and can’t be put back together again. I feel like all the joy that I had has been torn away and replaced with sadness and sorrow, shame, guilt and regret. I feel hallow like I don’t feel real. I feel like an old toy, thrown away when it’s been out grown. I feel sorrow. I feel abused.

God feels so far away. I know the teacher doesn’t interfere during the test, but I feel so abandoned. I know the faith it takes, I know the love that’s there for me, from God and from my friends but I don’t feel it right now. I poured everything I had, everything I was, but too little too late. I have been good and bad, and I know that one day this storm will pass and I will look back and know that faith got me through. Faith doesn’t mean you won’t hurt, doesn’t mean you won’t have negative feelings, it doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t be heart broken, but that when the storm comes you’re ready for it. There’s no time limit on how long you’ll be in the storm. No rules as to how much can be taken from you. No promise to an easy life. The only promise is to be loved by God, and that God will never abandon you.

John Blake: “Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be angry, in your bones. I mean, they understand, foster parents, everybody understands, for awhile. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can’t do, move on. So after awhile they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boys home. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It’s like putting on a mask.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-11 “8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 11 For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.”

 Everyday is a battle after heartbreak. Everyday is a baby step forward, and although there may be good days, excellent days, there can also be days where it feels you’ve been knocked back 10 steps. The healing process for me hasn’t been an easy one. The days that have ticked by seconds as minutes, minutes as hours, and what hours seemed like days, those are the days when the mind can play cruel tricks on you. The healing process of heartbreak, of loss, of betrayal can be helped or hindered by many factors. A healthy job, a healthy social life, and eventually a healthy dating life can all assist in the therapeutic repair. Sadly things don’t always go according to our own plan. We may not understand and can have a hard time accepting why so many things can hurt us when all we want to do is heal, move forward, feel better. The truth is, the world may judge you on how you handle a major tragedy in your life. Just as Blake stated sometimes you just have to put on that mask. The world isn’t whom you have to get to accept you, it’s Christ. When you know in your heart that even if you aren’t healing as fast or as well as your friends or family would like, are you doing everything you can to live your life according to scripture? As I never claim to be an expert, I don’t recall ever seeing anything that gives a timeline to grief, or sorrow. We may not always have the friends and family readily available as often as we’d like to spend time with, to go out with and socialize with, but what matters is when times are toughest know they are there for you.

I have been blessed with the best Church family anyone could ever ask or hope for. Through everything I’ve endured they have been there for me. They have held me when I’ve cried, picked me up when I was injured, helped me financially when I couldn’t work, and have provided the most moral, and Godly support any man could ever dream of having.

I have some of the best friends a man could hope for. They’ve rallied to my bedside when I was hurt, and have also helped me financially when times got tough. They are spread thin throughout the entire country, and although this means I don’t have a budding, effective social life to get me out of the house as much as I should, I know they are always there.

God will answer my prayers when the time is right. The time isn’t when I think it should be, but when it needs to be. Having faith that the faithful will be rewarded and blessed in this life according to our demeanor of deserving it. We cannot be given a gift we are not ready for. We cannot be given blessings we would most certainly abuse. We may not always know why we have unanswered prayers, but we must remain faithful that it’s just not according to the plan.

As empty as I have felt the last few weeks, I know that great things are coming even if I can not see them just yet. All my years in theater I understand what the crowd sees on stage is only a fraction of what’s going on during the play. The hard work, the majority of the work is being done off stage, what can’t be seen. We don’t know what God is doing behind the scenes, preparing for our futures, that’s the hard part about patience.

In short I leave you this final quote of my own making. “The beauty about being an empty shell is that it means it’s completely open for it to be refilled with something new.”

Why I became The Arrow Preacher

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Why I became the Arrow Preacher

A question I’ve been asking myself is why this path? Why have I chosen to dawn the hood, teach myself to be an archer, learn the Bible and teach others. I don’t know the path I live on, or where it will take me. All my life I’ve felt out of place, I have felt like something was wrong. The only part of my life that makes sense, the only part of my life that seems to be going well, knowing that I am writing and making a difference. It feels good knowing that I am in some small way doing God’s work.

For so long in my life I wished I could be someone else, anyone other then who I was. I dreaded every day I would wake up and head out into the world. I never cared for what I saw in the mirror, or the pain and suffering I had in my heart every day. I had always had a love for archery and characters that were archers. One in particular the Green Arrow became a quick favorite of mine. For years I would dress as the character for Halloween. I continued to train myself with my bows and as time went on, more and more people started to call me the Arrow.

During the time I spent under the hood it became clearer I was more comfortable under the hood then that everyone saw me as every day. As I began to write on Facebook the more I wrote the more people started to gravitate to it. In time the suggestion would start to come that I create my own blog, separate from Facebook, A place where my voice could and would be heard. Eventually I would be told by the right people, at just the right time in my life to start this blog.

Over the last few months as I’ve seen my blog take flight, I now find myself evaluating where I’m going. I find myself comfortable in my reasonable success with my blog and finding a sense of pride with each new country my blog is viewed from.

These days my persona feels more real then my life. I feel I am doing my best work when I am writing and reaching out to others. God has blessed me with some wonderful abilities, and I am thankful every day for them. To allow my pain to reach others and not let that pain destroy me I can only praise God. My pain the suffering I’ve endured has taught me much it will not be in vein. If I can reach others in similar pain, those who’ve gone through depression, anxiety, divorce, self loathing, the thoughts and feelings we all have at some point. God has blessed me with a great deal over the years. As I have survived on setback after another in my life, it is always God who’s lifted me out of the shadows, brought me back into the light, brought me back to life. The war is far from over, and as I see myself a warrior for Christ I will not give up till my last breath is taken to bring others unto his flock.

I will continue to use my gifts, use this hood and this mask, and to use my bow to reach others any way I can. This blog is an outlet for the daily struggles I face, along with things I know others have and are facing. I can only hope to reach as many people as possible. For all of my followers, THANK YOU! I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I am honored so have such wonderful followers.

Pass On What You Have Learned

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Pass On What You Have Learned

 When we start in our faith we are but babies. As we grow in our faith we grow stronger in both our connection with God and our understanding of that faith, we mature in it. It is important that as we grow in our faith that we learn to pass on what we have learned. In order for us to live up to the commandment we have been given we must realize the importance of passing on the word of God to the next generation. Joel 1:3 “3 Tell ye your children of it, and let your children tell their children, and their children another generation.” This sentiment is shared again in Psalms 34:11 “Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.”

Although I’m not a father I can understand the opinion that a father wants his son to have a better life then his own. Proverbs 3:1 “My son, do not forget my teaching, But let your heart keep my commandments;” If we are to leave behind a legacy the most important legacy we can leave is the continued teachings of Christ. Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Fathers must be roll models. We were made to lead the household. We were made to be strong and courageous. We may not always know the right path to take, and we may not always get it right everyday, but praying everyday to God for the strength, wisdom and courage to be the best dad you can be is so essential.

Today there are too many kids who don’t have a father. Today there are to many sperm donors that abandon their kids and walk away from their responsibilities. What is it that makes a boy lay with a woman and walk away when there is a child involved? So many males in our society today think of themselves as men, they have how many kids, with how many women, that doesn’t make you a man, it makes you a boy with no regard for morals or responsibilities. It truly makes me sick how many close friends I have who are single mothers, trying to play the roll of mother and father, work full time and still barely making ends meet. It isn’t fair or right for a family to live like that. Sadly it’s becoming just the way it is. More to it though, how many people live such a morally gray life? How many people who are raised Christian turn their backs on it, or how many live a life of hypocrisy? We are all hypocrites and we are all sinners, but to what extent? Do we hurt people on purpose? Do we lie to the ones we love to their face? Do we treat the people we love with distain and loathing? What is the driving force to have affairs, to cheat on the ones we claim to love? Why can we not be happy with what we have? Why can we not separate like adults, and why do we have to tear someone down to the very bottom before we are satisfied with leaving well enough alone? Where does our hatred, our rampant antipathy come from? We decide to destroy the very foundation a life was built upon for what cause? The simple answer is sin, and most often a form of unhappiness from within. We often push outward what we are feeling within and we don’t always know how to focus that energy so it usually comes out as anger, hatred, words and actions towards the person we are usually closest too. Sadly that’s part of why so many marriages, so many relationships end today. We just don’t know how to handle. It’s easier to quit and run away then it is to face yourself in the mirror. It’s easier to turn your loved one into the bad guy so you can look at yourself and feel okay with your decisions. The sad part is, while you are making yourself feel better, we don’t care about the pain we inflict on someone else. We don’t care about how much our anger and hatred is destroying their world. The old saying is true, “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side.” (Yoda)

To love is hard; to love unconditionally is near impossible for so many. When you’re heart isn’t with the Lord, to love as Christ loves, to give as Christ gave, to sacrifice as Christ did, is beyond what most are comfortable doing, because that means putting your faith in something bigger then yourself. It means giving up that piece of yourself that must be in control, that must be held on to in order to protect yourself from harm. The truth is though if we are truly with someone, and trust them, and we give ourselves to someone to love them and want to make them happy with everything we are, if both people in a relationship would spend all their energy being their for the other person everyone’s needs would be met. This isn’t an easy thing to do, and it’s not without practice, but it can be done. How strong are you? How willing are you to merge to vials of sand together to become one inseparable bowl of sand? If nothing else is passed on in life, what does it mean to love, the greatest commission of all.

Love above all else, love your God, love your, neighbors, pass on Love.

 

 

 

Leap of Faith

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Leap of Faith

Sometimes in life you have to take a leap without looking where you may land. We don’t always know why God leads us down a particular path, but one thing is certain, there is most certainly a plan.

It’s been over 30 days now since I have been back to work. Just when I thought all hope was lost I get a call out of the blue asking if I’d like to go to work for a new account manager. Without hesitation and without knowing all the details I agreed. “God” I asked, “This is obviously part of the plan, if this is what you want me to do, I will follow your path.” I don’t know where my future will take me, but I have faith, and that faith no matter where the river takes me, I’ll not fight it.

What would you do if you had to take a leap of faith? What would you do if Jesus asked you to drop everything, leave everything and follow? Would you do it? 1 Peter 2:21 “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.” Christ asks us to pick up our cross and follow. This is noted more then once in scripture. When Christ gathered his 12 disciples he asked them to take a leap of faith, giving up their jobs, their wives, their families, to follow the Lord. Matthew 4:19-22 “19 And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. 20 And they straightway left their nets, and followed him. 21 And going on from thence, he saw other two brethren, James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, in a ship with Zebedee their father, mending their nets; and he called them. 22 And they immediately left the ship and their father, and followed him.”

 As I move forward into my new life and I watch the old fade away, I too must decide what am I willing to give up, what am I willing to leave in order to follow my calling. The incontrovertible fact is I cannot, I will not stay stagnant in my walk with Christ. I know that many may think I’m crazy for pursuing the life style I am working towards and even hated by some, I know that I would rather be judged and hated by them, then judged by God. Matthew 10:22 “And you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Nothing this world can do to us is worse then the fate we face if we don’t follow the Lord. Ephesians 6:16 “In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;” Don’t let fear be what stops you.

 The Devil will lie to you to keep you from taking that leap. The Devil will try to persuade you by giving you all the reasons not to. The voices telling you, you aren’t good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, are all the lies because the voice of truth is anything in God is possible. Our path isn’t always the path we are meant to be on, and we must learn to discern the difference. Have faith and take a leap out of that plane, onto that path, make the move, make the change. Make a difference.

GRACE

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Grace

I spent my life thinking we had a special connection. I worshiped you, and knew you were with me, but I resisted in so many ways. I kept and held onto resentments. I was so angry even though I held it all in. In my youth I felt your presence but I was an angry kid. I spent all my time going from one trauma to the next, one school day to the next, putting all the bad in a box, a box on a shelf in a closet and closing the door. I kept believing that couldn’t be what life was about. There was more to life and there was more to you oh God.

I didn’t know much about the Old Testament in those days. I didn’t know about the hardships of Job, the trials of David. I never understood the reason for trials, I never understood the paradox of the more you suffer, the more you needed to lift your heart to God. Even now into my adult life I have questioned the why, I’ve wondered the reason to take everything I held dear. That was right up till recently. 1 Peter 5:10 “But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle [you].” We will always have to suffer a little while. Perhaps the reason for it is simple. How do we face adversity? How do we react under horrible situations? James 1:12 “Blessed [is] the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.” Are we tempted not just in the ways of the world, but tempted in anger? Of course we are. Every trial is a test of our faith, our character.

Look at Judy Hopps from Zootopia. Here’s a bunny in the big world where bunnies were good for only carrot farms and making other little bunnies. One bunny chose to overcome the world, push beyond, and achieve greatness in those trials. There will be times when you want to turn back and run home. There will be times when you feel the world is too much, but that’s when we need to lift our needs, our hearts higher to the Lord. Romans 5:3 “And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;” For all our trials, for all our misery on this world there is hope. Romans 8:18 “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” We are never alone even if we feel like we are. We may not always have someone sitting with us, we may not feel like our friends and family are there for us, but the truth is as nice as it is to have those things, having and knowing God is with us is more important.

We cannot serve two masters. We cannot serve the world and the Lord at the same time. We must not hold onto idles, we must reach for our God, and live according to the Lord above. No matter how bad this world may treat you the end goal is far greater. Any mountain worth climbing is worth the work to get to the summit. Any goal worth having is worth working for, so work for the goal of Heaven. Believe in your God with all thine heart, and have faith that pain is temporary. Do not be angry about your trials instead embrace them. Turn them to your advantage, and you shall be rewarded with Glory. Give your whole heart to the Lord. The top of the mountain you can see for miles. We are amongst the trees, so we only see a little, God sit upon the mountaintop and can see all. One day we too may understand the why. Have faith, have love, have compassion, have empathy, and love thy neighbors to include your enemies.