Tag: family

Service With Honor

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Service With Honor

In life sometimes there is one person we will connect with on a very special level. Ever since my time in this world I haven’t had a connection more then that I feel with my service dog. Riley has been with me for the last 6 years and in that time a connection has grown. Every day I go out she goes with me. That time together we have spent a relationship has grown for the both of us. She has never left me, she has never not been there watching out for me. She knows when I hurt and she does everything within her power to make that better. Her training has taught her to alert me when anxiety levels are high. She knows to watch my six anytime we are out in town. She alerts me if people walk up behind me, she protects me by passively standing in between someone and myself. She can walk with me while I’m using both hands to push a shopping cart and always knows just where to be. She doesn’t like when I’m not around just as much as I don’t like it when she’s not. I’ve grown to depend on her and she depends on me. In our life we will often have pets throughout our life. Riley isn’t my pet, she’s my best friend. When I come home if she’s not been with me she’s super excited to see me. She can’t wait to give me hugs and kisses. Yes I taught my service dog how to hug people. I will be her entire life, and even though she will only be apart of my life for a short while, the impact she’s had on me will be forever.

Riley has seen me through my darkest days. When I returned home from my injury last year she was there to help me when the quiet was banging on my eardrums. She was there for me when I cried. She laid in my lap, and she’d lick my face when I cried. She curls up with me at night providing warmth and comfort. While she’s incapable in stopping every nightmare I have, she’s always a constant presence for me when I wake up. Riley’s ability to take hand signals from me, her ability to listen to simple instruction, and then complex instructions. Her being out with me every day prevents me from falling into a situation where I could potentially be taken to the hospital. Though she’s not been able to prevent every anxiety attack, she’s certainly tried.

I was recently asked what to military dogs do? I’ve heard people say what a service dog is not, and say what a service dog doesn’t do. I’ve heard that a service dog would never ‘sniff’ anyone. I’ve heard service dogs shouldn’t need ‘spoken direction’. This couldn’t be further from the truth. While not every service dog requires focus like diabetes alert dogs, or seizure dogs, the ignorance of our society astounds me. Recently I learned that a local hospital I frequent often has a policy that only a small particular group is covered under the rule, Amputee, Seeing Eye, Hearing Impaired, are the only dogs officially covered. However the policy is all dogs are to be accepted so long as the dog isn’t causing any issues, and is behaving. The problem with this policy is the liberty it gives the employees to discuss services dogs. Recently I heard an argument between two employees about the definition of what service dogs do or don’t do. It was loud enough to interrupt my conversation with someone about my service dog. Military dogs are trained extensively prior to going into war. The military trains its dog to detect explosive materials and weapons. Military dogs can also detect drugs and other contraband. These dogs require direction, just like any other service dog. Even the best-trained dogs can have their issues. I recently saw a movie about a military bomb dog, and as you watch, you’ll see that no matter what a dog’s trained to do, a dog is still a dog. They will suffer from the same things people do. My dog for instance doesn’t like elevators or bridges. I’ve never understood why she doesn’t like walking bridges, but her fear is what it is. I have learned to work around her fear understanding we all have them.

 

Service with honor

If my verbal direction sounds like a problem, to that I say ‘Stay in your lane.’ People in our society have to have an opinion. People have to not just have an opinion they have to state their opinion, and instead of directing the appropriate questions to people who know, they argue and bicker. Another thing I’ve noticed is how some people will ask ‘why do they need a service dog, I don’t see anything wrong with them?’ This question upsets me a great deal. While I’ve studied mental illness, the affects of PTSD, and the cause of anxiety, if that person as a panic/anxiety attack, you hope they have their dog. Feeling that way is horrible, speaking from experience. Panic attacks cause an increase in heart rate, blood pressure, trouble breathing, and can often manifest dizziness. The calming affect from animals is evident through science. Trained service animals still take some kind of commands. Bomb dogs need direction, even hearing and other kinds of dogs all take commands.

All I ask is if you’re going to make assumptions on service dogs, perhaps you need to do some research first, or ask someone with a service dog. Please don’t pass judgment on those with service animals, and please don’t assume just because you can’t see any disability doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

service with honor 3

For those of us who’ve served we serve with Honor. We allow those who have served our country to suffer with PTSD, with the nightmares from the life we’ve lived. From today as we remember 9/11 we remember the fallen, and the survivors. We can only hope that we have learned from our mistakes, and remember service comes in many ways. The years after tragedy the ones who are left should be honored, the ones that have fallen are lost but never forgotten. No matter the season, no matter the day, those who serve write a blank check in the act of that service. Firefighters in New York, Police, and the New York Port Authority, wrote a blank check on this day 16 years ago. Soldiers have been writing that check for generations past, and generations to come. People who work in the services put themselves in harms way and we take off our hats to remember them. We learn to pick ourselves up, and we united in the months following 9/11. We’ve fallen wayside in the following years, and we ought to remember to slow down in our lives and we need to remember the simple truth, we are all human, not black, not white, not any other race, we are humans. We are also all Americans. We have a commonality far greater then what we live today. We all have Jesus Christ and in front of the cross we are judged the same. We are always on equal footing in front of God All Mighty, and thus we must remember to set our personal differences aside and join on equal footing to fight and defend this nation. We honor the dead by fighting, and we are not done fighting.

My service dog

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My service dog

I believe that in life God doesn’t want his children to be alone. I believe we are our best selves when we have someone special in our lives. While we have come a long way in our understanding of science and medicine we are a long way from being able to fully understand the workings of the human brain. Sometimes when someone is faced with PTSD there are many different symptoms to various degrees that someone may face. A particular service dog will be able to assist by doing particular jobs to prevent someone with PTSD from facing any number of symptoms alone. “A Specially Trained PTSD Dog can provide a sense of security, calming effects, and physical exercise that can make a positive difference in the life of those that suffer with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Like all assistance dogs, a psychiatric service dog is individually trained to do work or perform tasks that mitigate their handler’s disability. Training may include providing environmental assessment (in such cases as paranoia or hallucinations), signaling behaviors (such as interrupting repetitive or injurious behavior reminding the handler to take medication, retrieving objects and guiding the handler from stressful situations. PTSD Service Dogs can literally change the life of a Veteran or other persons with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD Service dogs can help a Veteran remain calm by preventing people from crowding around or rushing up behind in public places which will provide a comfortable space for the Veteran or PTSD sufferer.

PTSD Service Dogs can:

  • help adjust serotonin levels
  • help lower blood pressure
  • help with episodes of depression
  • provide companionship
  • calm their handler
  • preventing people from crowding around or rushing up on their handler

The above tasks represent what a PTSD service dog is capable of performing. Each PTSD service dog is specifically trained to their owners personal needs based on their medical condition and may or may not include the above tasked described.” (http://www.canines4hope.com/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-dogs-ptsd-dog-training-florida.htm)

Each and every day thousands of people to include veterans and non-veterans suffer from the symptoms of PTSD. It can be difficult to let go of the traumas of war. There are particular things that are a constant struggle for me. Going into a public place alone causes high anxiety. Having my back to a room, an entrance causes undue tension. My service dog Riley, provides 360 security for me. When I am standing at a counter she sits next to or behind me but always watching my back. When I am sitting someplace she is my vigilance, my battle buddy. She knows when stress and anxiety rises and she alerts me of that. My service dog has been my companion for 6 years now. She’s my rock when I need comfort, she’s my protector within the house, and she is my first line of defense.

You never know what someone may be facing under the surface. In recent months I have faced push back from a lot of different places regarding the need for a service dog. While this world understand a great deal of things, it’s lagging behind the service dog presence. While our understand of PTSD has grown in the last 10 years, we are finding the benefits of what service animals can do. While dogs have been used for many physical disabilities for years and years, the use for dogs to help treat PTSD symptoms is relatively new. Sadly the general publics understand is limited. Thus the problem it creates for those who have PTSD service dogs. While the misconception in the difference between therapy dogs and service dogs plagues our society. Many people who have therapy dogs contaminate the ideals of service dogs by misusing the terminology. Therapy dogs that provide a comfort to the owner while great doesn’t actually provide a medical purpose. Everyone can use a little extra comfort, but that doesn’t mean the dog has the same rights as a service dog. The issue isn’t the dog, the issue is the lack of knowledge about mental illness. Recently I was told people often see someone out in public and when they don’t look like they have a physical disability it’s assumed they don’t have a disability. The assumption that all disabilities are physical is a stigma in our world that must change. While there can be many uses for a service dog from diabetes, to seizures, to panic/anxiety attacks. All of these are very real and having a service dog can save their life.

The moral of the story is don’t be so quick to judge others. Stay within your lane and just because you don’t understand a situation doesn’t mean you need to. Just because you can’t see something wrong with someone doesn’t mean there isn’t. Don’t judge others and make sure before you jump to a snap decision you just don’t. Always have patience and respect for others around you. You can’t always see or measure a person’s pain because it’s not physical. While there are plenty of people who abuse the laws regarding service animals the same can be said about a great deal of other laws, i.e. social welfare services, social disability, insurance fraud, and many other ways people get around the system. Just because people abuse a system doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary. We must have faith that the greater good is being served. Education is the key, and we need to understand that things aren’t always as simple as they seem to be.

As for me, my service dog Riley is my closest friend. She goes with me everywhere I can manage to take her. She’s always with me and helps in ways people could never know or understand. Once more unto the breach. The fight for the rights regarding service dogs is continuing on. Dealing with the backlash of what people don’t understand is a daily constant when the wounds can’t be seen.

We never know what the future holds but what we know is we can only make decisions based on what we know when the time comes. The due diligence is on us to make sure we have as many facts as possible before coming to a decision. Snap decisions, or decisions without all the info can have major backlash. Pushing a viewpoint without expanding what we may know could have dire repercussions. Make sure we get the facts, it’s at the very least the right thing to do. James 1:19-20 “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Even when people make poor or snap judgments about you, always try to maintain a reasonable and rational response. Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

 

I SIT ALONE

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I SIT ALONE

I sit alone, so alone, the pain inside aches and pains that make taking a breath sometimes the most difficult thing I do. I never know what my tomorrow brings because everything I had and everything I knew was pulled away, ripped from me in the most violent way. No pain so emotional has ever hurt so bad, has ever crippled me, but this pain brought me to my knees.

Why I cried out, why me, why again? The past has a hold of me and I just can’t quite let it go. Is it the thought of loosing the woman I loved, or is it being alone? Is it that it didn’t happen once but twice? I don’t truly know what the answer is for myself.

I have done everything I can with what I’ve have at my disposal. The experts say there are a few things that have to happen to allow healing to happen naturally, and in a healthy way. Since then, I haven’t yet found my footing on my path to a new me. A new me, I don’t even know what that truly means. As I’ve struggled to look within to find the man I want to be I haven’t been able to figure that out because I don’t know who I am anymore. The last year of my life has put into question every notion I had about the world and my place in it. I haven’t been able to make headway in moving forward with my life and perhaps that’s the reason I feel like I’m moving in slow motion, I feel like I’m not just moving in slow mo, but I in quicksand. The realistic point of view is things just haven’t worked out yet. The man I am to become is still a work in progress.

While I truly don’t know what my future holds, or what I’m supposed to do, or the life I’m to live, I have to believe that God has a plan for me. A plan to succeed not to fail, not to fall. When someone you love hurts you in that way it can make you question everything about yourself. The darkness can be overwhelming but at some point you must learn to let it go. We must let ourselves heal, and to do that we must tell ourselves we are worth more then our failures. We are worth more then the sum of those who have hurt and abandoned us. We are worth more then the way we have been treated. We can be treated like garbage and thrown away like a beat up used toy. While divorce can cause a whole hurricane of negative feelings, all sorts of traumas happen to people that can cause all sorts of problems. And while I’ve spent a lifetime fighting the fight, I know that sometimes we just need to rest.

We can’t be angry all the time. At some point we have to let go of what fuels our fire and allow the healing to begin. No matter the time that goes by, the ability to start healing, to start letting go is always a possibility. While the pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the guilt and fear rage on in our heads like a CD stuck on repeat, we must somehow learn to break the cycle. We all need someone to help us bare that cross when it’s too heavy. We all need someone in our lives to help us along the way.

While I sit alone I wonder where I go from here. While I sit alone I question my place in this world. While I sit alone I miss so much in life. While I sit alone I miss the comforts of companionship. It’s almost like a drug, you have it for so long and it’s gone all of a sudden, gone in the blink of an eye. How could someone you care for, care for you, and betray you like the years prior didn’t matter at all. The truth is, the answers as much as I’ve wanted them done matter. The why isn’t going to change the past, and no matter how hard we may want to, the inevitable realization, life still continues. While I may be alone in my walk without someone, I know that God, my God is with me always. While I can only see a small baby step ahead of me, the future is still left wide open. God will help guide me on my way, and one can only hope that when the time is right, I won’t be alone anymore. That I may be gifted with the family I’ve tried so hard for, only to have them ripped away from me. I’ve never in my life been more disappointed by my loved ones, and as this lesson has been a difficult one to learn, I have learned that even those in our lives we look up too, even then, they can turn out to be someone completely different, someone we don’t recognize. While people come and go out of our life for better or worse we must learn that as there’s a season for everything and we must learn to accept that. If someone value’s you, you will be a priority to them, and if you have someone important to you, you can’t take that for granted. I’ve been close to death a few times and if I’ve learned anything in all that time it’s life is short, and we must value the gift of time we have, and cherish the people you love. We never know when that time may run out.

I live this life

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I live this life

I walked down the street just to see where my feet would take me. The darkness surrounded the alleys and the fog rose from the ground with an unstoppable force, and before you could blink the world was a damp gray in which you couldn’t see yourself. We walk our lives in a fog sometimes. We walk because we must, we breathe because of necessity. We all have cravings and some understand the nature of them, while others do not.

When we run, what are we running to or from? The life I’ve lived has been one of hardships, of pain, of suffering, of loss, but also of great joy. I’ve had the privilege of being married to two wonderful women. God gave me both to live my life with. The ending of both marriages has been described as awful and disappointing, but the truth is, as much as God hates divorce, we cannot control the path of other people. God gave me those lovely women for something in my life, and now it’s about time I stiffen my upper lip, and move forward. I look back and I see the mistakes written on the walls. I look to the future and like the street I walk it’s full of fog and darkness. I don’t know where I’m going because I cannot see. I feel around the dark blindly. I can feel the walls around me, I can feel the texture, and I can feel what my gut is telling me, but as I move forward my past although defines me, it has shaped me in the clay, and I now move forward every day to show myself what I am capable of. I wondered the wilderness for a year now the air feels crisper. The change of the hills, the trees, the air, and the wind shows me that my scars and my story are far from finished. As I walk through life I know that Jesus is still with me. A scream in the dark and followed by an answer, a journey not yet done, but a broken man who Jesus has wrapped in the healing love of the Lord and although the wounds start to heal, the scars are left behind to remind us of the hell we’ve battled through.

As I look to my future I know, I now understand that I’m not alone. Your love my God has seen me through. Your love my God has protected me from the darkness that’s surrounded me for so long. The fear of tomorrow and what pitfalls may be lurking in the terrifying darkness, are subdued by your love. Jesus my savior has promised to never leave me, and no matter what I endure for the cross on this Earthly plain will be rewarded in the next life. You know my heart, my effort, you know the price I’ve paid, and my Love for the cross, my heart that has fluttered yes, but remained true, will one day be rewarded with piece. My God is hope we all must need. When the fog of war surrounds us and we just cannot see, call to the God above and let the Angels, the Warriors of the Heavens come down with sword in hand and battle the very demons that threaten us. “Tonight I’m gonna fix my eyes, on the only hope that satisfies, my heart.” (The One I’m Running To, 7eventh Time Down) As my hope and my life has stretched me to the max, and when I’ve felt as if I’ve reached my breaking point, God is still with me no matter what battle I face. When we reach for an understanding to what we just can’t grasp, the answer is always the same. Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father died for our sins, giving up eternal hope, overcoming death itself. To believe in Christ is to live a life where there is no more sorrow, and no more pain. What’s a life worth that we can say when this life ends we can live again?

As one song reminds me:

Where my heart will take me, Russell Watson

 It’s been a long road
Getting from there to here
It’s been a long time
But my time is finally near
And I can feel the change in the wind right now
Nothing’s in my way
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more
No, they’re not gonna hold me down

‘Cause I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got faith to believe
I can do anything
I’ve got strength of the soul
And no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I’ve got faith
I’ve got faith, faith of the heart

We must allow God to continue to give us hope, that no matter how long our road may seem, how dark it is, or how much pain we endure along the way, believe that faith in Abba, that we can’t be broken, because we know who’s in our corner. Have faith in your heart in the one King, the maker of all. Have faith that one day the fog will lift, the sun will rise, and a new day dawns.

 

Loss

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Loss

The losses I’ve seen have been immeasurable. The battle always wages on inside us. The sights and sounds of the war still rage on. You close your eyes and the weapons flash, the sounds of explosions and the feel of the blast vibrate through your chest. The sights of burnt pieces of metal, a whole so deep in the ground you picture men placing the objects of death in the hole dug. No matter how hard you try the faces never leave you. The smells invade the memory and create a feeling of nausea you just can’t fight. The heart pumping quickly ever memory of explosions along with the fear from the RPG’s flying over head, the bullets ricocheting off the driver door, the, and the weight of the wheel when you can barely fight the truck your driving. The dead haunt me, and the living spites me.

The air is warm, and the sun shines down to the world below. The feeling of the pistol the handgrips textured, the trigger smooth and light. The black smooth slide almost reflective the last things seen before the flash. The blood pools and drains down the shirt. The air sucked from the lungs as the world turns black. To see the blackness of nothing, a voice slips between the lips. ‘God I’m sorry.’ As the thunder struck, the voice shook the world, ‘You’re forgiven.’ Waking in pain so bad death would be a release. The weight of the world now crushing down, the future bleak and dark, but is that a light at the end of the tunnel?

A divorce rips apart a life. The feeling of betrayal, the aching of emotions feels physical. The lowness of the barrel, only to be repeated twice, twice the pain, and no the second time wasn’t easier. Loosing loves twice by way of affairs hurts down into the pit of your stomach like nothing I ever felt. But sad to say this wasn’t the only pain I would feel.

Growing up, I experienced a couple traumatic events, I won’t go into detail now. Just know that the pain felt as a child was confusing, and difficult. The only truth was God was always there watching over me, helping me through it, even if God was the farthest thing from my mind at the time. The struggles of an 11 year old trying to understand the cruelty of the world is difficult, and harsh. Why would a loving God allow such pain and suffering upon the innocents of a child?

Between watching loved ones die, loosing family, loosing friends, being close to death myself, the truth remains that in the vastness of loss and heartache the Lord is still on the throne. Every situation both good and bad that forces us down a path, we must remember to thank God for everything we have no matter what it is. God is not evil, and God doesn’t bring hardships unless we need the lessons. No matter the cost we must endure the hardships in front of us. Our lives can be the ice storm, or the thaw after, if we focus on the right path.

Being displaced, and having everything ripped away, everything one would hold most dear in life is something no one should have to endure, especially twice. While we all will face grief and suffering the difference is the sheer number of events, and the intensity of each one. While the truth is plain no matter who we are pain and suffering are bound to happen. We were promised pain, and suffering, trials, and we were promised the thorns and thistles, but in all of that we were also promised grace, peace, and love. Gods grace is sometimes all we have, and that grace in the wake of loss has to be enough, because if it’s not, we are left with no hope, and if we have no hope, life is lost.

Do you know what time it is?

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Do you know what time it is?

The clock ticks and we take our breaths. The time we have a predator that stalks us, the invisible enemy that we cannot see. We are born and from the first breath we take that day life begins we never know when our last breath will be on our last day. As our days are numbered we are always racing the clock. Our salvation is only good if we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and savior. The key is doing it before your end comes, because of our limited time we cant waist what time we have. Our salvation is a precious jewel that must be cherished, and we must respect the gift given to us, and never take that time for granted.

Ecclesiastes 7 “A good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death than the day of birth.2 It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.3 Sorrow is better than laughter, or by sadness of face the heart is made glad.4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. 5 It is better for a man to hear the rebuke of the wise than to hear the song of fools. 6 For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fools; this also is vanity.[a] 7 Surely oppression drives the wise into madness, and a bribe corrupts the heart. 8 Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. 9 Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart[b] of fools.10 Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?” For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.11 Wisdom is good with an inheritance, an advantage to those who see the sun.12 For the protection of wisdom is like the protection of money, and the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom preserves the life of him who has it. 13 Consider the work of God: who can make straight what he has made crooked?”

Living a life in the moment and not taking them for granted is part of the recipe for a happy life. Allowing God to be in every moment, every tick of the clock of your life, and making choices that fit the Holy Spirit. Sometimes we look at our life and we find joy in the worst of circumstances. We look to things to make our lives better, often to make us feel good, or replace heartache with bad choices. Those choices are only temporary. The hardships we face should point us towards God like a loaded gun. When we are happy how often do we go to God in prayer? How often do those sick and dying turn to God for help, for comfort? When we are in sorrow or hurt, we must remember that all bad things are either to teach or push us. All things are allowed by God no matter if it comes from others, or ourselves. Bad choices may be avoidable if we use our time wisely and give glory to God. Don’t allow ones self to waist the precious time we have. Instead use our time to glorify God we never know the day of our last breath, so don’t watch the hands tick by in front of you. Have faith even when we don’t understand the pain, or the plan.

September 1, the Month of Hell

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September 1, the Month of Hell

No matter the time that goes by some memories stay engrained. There are times in our lives when the world seems foreign, days that defy what we know to be true. We have our normal days where the small things that happen still fall within ‘normal’. We have so few days in our lives that are so far out in left field that no matter if we want to or not we remember. For those people who survived 9/11 in New York City they will never forget. For those who survived Boston, San Bernardino, Paris, the list goes on, they will forever have those images in their heads. As for me, my month, the month where it seems everything goes wrong, is September. September is the month of so much death, destruction, loss, and hopelessness it’s tough to see beyond the 30 days. The 30 days pain that come every year, makes the tears flow to the floor.

The only thing we can do sometimes is count the breaths from our chest. Sometimes the world is so heavy we can’t take a step, but we can take a breath. How we make it through anniversaries of such pain, of such destruction is to find support, find friends to be with, find distractions, but take a moment to recount the event, remember it, but focus on the fact you made it through. That horrible car accident, that loss of a loved one, that near death experience, or loss of your dream job, whatever the case may be just remember God got you through it. Whatever your going through right now just remember if you aren’t through it yet, God is pulling you through as we speak.

We may love to take a whole month and hibernate, forget it ever happened, sadly we all know that’s not at all possible. As the song goes, if we wanna make a change, take a look at yourself in a mirror. How can we make a change when we can’t see the light? How can we make a change when we can’t feel the hope? How do we make a change when we can’t get up? There’s no easy answer. Some days the world is going to feel too strong. All you can do is hold on tight. The pain hurts us deep into our very bones, but when we can’t see the light, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Recently I watched a movie for the second time and as I thought about it I couldn’t help but draw similarities to an actual event and how I was feeling. The Finest Hours a story about a tanker out in the Atlantic that broke in half during a horrible snowstorm. The Coast Guard was not equipped to have two tankers break apart in the same day. While the crew of the SS Pendleton struggled to find a way to keep the ship from sinking, Bernie Webber takes just 3 men on little more then a lifeboat out to try and find and rescue the abandoned crew. The story is based on the actual event that occurred on February 18th 1952. In what seemed like impossible odds the grace of God was present. So many things went wrong and yet most the survivors and Webber’s crew made it back alive. The biggest thing was Webber’s little boat lost the compass. In the middle of the ocean with no compass in the middle of the storm they still managed to find their way back. What do we do when we can’t seem to find our compass?

Battling the memories of the past, nightmares that like clockwork start to take numbers to invade my mind. When we don’t have the compass to point our path, and when the darkness isn’t lit by a single light what’s left to walk by? Faith is sometimes all we have. Faith is not always easy to have but if we are to trust in the Lord walking by faith even when we can’t see, our broken hearts, our broken spirits can be lifted up and healed by the Lord. In the month of September throughout my life I’ve lost my best friend who died unexpectedly, I’ve nearly died in an ambush in Iraq, I was shot and nearly died, I watched the love of my life walk away from our marriage and didn’t look back, I lost my job I worked so very hard for, I watched friends walk away and never looked back, and as I’ve lived only a short while on this planet, I have lived this life growing ever more afraid of what the month of September had to offer. Other tragedies have befallen me in this tragic month, and the fear I have of the month seems more and more justified. Every year the month starts to come around and I fear what lies in my path that will try to destroy me. After 33 years the only thing I can say is I’m still here, I’m still fighting the fight, I’m still standing albeit battered and bruised, broken in some ways, but I’m not down for the count, not yet.

As September will mark the 1-year mark that my wife left me, that she left our family, and I struggle to hear anything through the storm. I have watched this year as bad turned worse, and continued to spiral downward towards the spikes at the very bottom. As my strength would allow me to climb, claw my way up the mud and the muck. Barely able to see my next point to grab, I reach out and dig in, fingers bleeding, I continued to reach out and climb. When I made progress I would get hit with falling rocks, the handgrips would fail and I’d slide backwards not to the spikes, but I’d loose a lot of ground. No matter the traps, the attacks, the setbacks, I never stop climbing. Praying to God every inch climbed, and praying to God in every inch lost, I praised God through the entire storm. Some days the war seemed like it would take me, and there were days I prayed it would. There’s no doubt that this last year has been a struggle. And there’s been days when I prayed to God to take me home. There were days I cursed God for not taking me home last September. I cursed God for not putting me out of my misery. I questioned God why am I so important to keep me here? No matter how much I wanted to I never got my answer, and even today, as I consider where I am, where I’ve been, where I’m going, I question the why. I have learned that my only hope is to trust in the Lord. Trust in the lord in the middle of the war, in the middle of the storm, because Gods love like angles wings protect maybe not our body, but our soul. Isn’t that what the war is all about? Isn’t the war for souls and not for the bodies? Genesis 3:19 “19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.” Our bodies came from dust, and will one day return to the dust. Our souls, our essence of who we are is what survives, what the world is actually fighting for, the only thing worth fighting for.

Romans 7:14-25 “14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.” While lengthy this verse talks about the war we face within. The battle between good and evil on the inside, and the battle between the righteous and the sinner on the outside isn’t a war that’s easy to see the sides in black and white. No matter what war you face, no matter what side you find yourself on whether it be the side of the angels, or the side of the demons, the fog of war makes life difficult sometimes. We may trust people who come into our path, and sometimes that trust is misplaced. In the last few months, I’ve struggled a great deal with this. I’ve met a few people who’ve come into my life, and seemingly they were there as a potential relationship, but as quickly as they came into my life and they made me believe I was special, and their interest was high, they up and vanished without a trace, actually it was more like they decided to cut contact, block every communication we had, and never, or as it seemed, never looked back. There is always an explanation and although I don’t have one, and as I spent time reviewing the conversations, going over what happened again and again in my head, I would never find answers. 1 John 4:1 “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” Not every person who comes into your life is a gift from God. Sometimes they are wolves in sheep’s clothing that are actually sent by the Devil to test you, to pull you away from the path. In each of our lives aspects of our path will be tested, and we see that in Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

While the constant attacks on our lives may be the occasional test of God, it may also be attacks from the Devil to pull us away from God. The more attacks someone may go through the more likely they are to abandon ship. Someone once told me, ‘the more you get kicked while you’re down, the less likely you are to get back up.’ While I completely understand, we must try to remember the essence of faith. As September is my month of Hell, there are millions around the world who have their own September. As each of us has our own battles to face, we must learn to find other soldiers in Christ. We must learn that we are not to fight these battles apart, instead we fight these battles with God as our General, and soldiers in Christ as our small squad, we can fight and face any challenge or crisis we may see in our days. 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” We should choose our friends wisely. Choose our partners the love of our life even more wisely. My bad choices helped to lead me down a bad path. A path that would gift me with nothing but pain and while I do not wish ill will upon anyone, either of my ex-wives, any of the friends who have left me, any of the others that I’ve talked to who built my trust just to watch me fall when they where done. Finally I leave with this last verse, 2 Peter 2:9 “Then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment,” We will be rescued from our trials when we have stayed par for the course. Every trial we face is like a grade in school. We cannot move forward to the next until we’ve completed the pre-requisite. Moving us forward too soon would only result in our failure. And while we may fail in our day to day lives, it’s important to know how to pick ourselves up, and continue to push through, punch through, never quit and never surrender to the darkness. We must never allow the darkness to overtake us because falling to the darkness comes at too high of a price. Our very souls, to live in eternal bliss, or damnation, we choose how we want to live our lives, every second of every day, with every person we meet, and every action we take. “I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.” —Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

 

 

 

The Wages of Sin

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The Wages of Sin

Since the fall from grace and Sin entered the world people have lived under the influence of Sin. Genesis 3:3-4 “3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Mankind was tricked into allowing Satan to pull us from God’s grace. Ever since mankind has made one bad call after another. We consistently have moved in bad directions, we treat our neighbors horribly, we even treat our loved ones with disdain.

If we live our lives in a manner that is not pleasing to the Lord, a life that is against the simple commandments, we are forced to face the ramifications of our ignorance, or blatant disregard. Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Each of us gambles with our souls when we choose sin over life. Each of us puts our trust in something we will never see first hand. We believe that God is sovereign and on the throne over all. The flip side of course is what happens when we sin on purpose. Romans 5:12 “Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:” When we sin when we turn our backs on Christ and walk a path of wrongdoing, we can look forward to the words in Revelation 21:8 “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”

The joys of the world, the draws of sinful nature can be enticing and often pulls us from the graces of Christ. We must remember that Christ paid for our sins under the condition we follow Him. Every one of us is given a choice. John 3:36 “He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.” We can’t negotiate at the foot of the cross. All sin is created and judged equally to God. We must answer for our sins regardless of our beliefs, and yet on our best day we sin, we fall short, and sometimes we hurt those closest to us. We will always hurt those closest to us by accident, but it’s when we do it on purpose that has a particular rank. When we knowingly sin in the efforts to gain our own selfish desires, we risk it all. We never know when the end will come for us. We never know when the good Lord will end our lives. It may be when we are old and gray in our beds, or it may be the next time we go walking outside our door, either way, we wager our eternal lives on the pursuit that the Devil promised all those years ago. We know good and evil, and the world is surly evil. We see people doing good works in the name of the Lord, but even those who do good works can fall from grace. Don’t turn your back on the Lord when times get tough. Don’t believe the lies of Lucifer, and don’t let go of your salvation just for the joys of Sin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you have your passport?

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Do you have your passport?

John 14:6 “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” We know that the only way to heaven is to believe in the Son Jesus Christ. I have traveled over a large portion of the world and during those travels I had to use my passport to do so. When we die we have a choice of where we want to travel next. When we live our lives our actions will dictate where we go. Just like our passport to travel abroad, our passport doesn’t always give us the ability to travel to any country they want. Parts of China, Russia, and North Korea for instance are not permissible with a passport alone.

In Romans 10:9 it reconfirms the point that you cannot travel to Heaven without the relationship with Jesus Christ. “Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” The point is simple, we have straightforward rules to follow and if we do that, if we give our lives to Christ and accept that we are small in the grand scheme of life.

When we think about eternity why are we so stubborn to face the facts of life like a good honorable person? Sometimes in life it’s difficult to keep ourselves focused on the big picture. We often want the feel good medicine. We give up our morals, our compass that points to God for the things that give us worldly gratification. We often fall short in our walk with Christ, but thankfully the gatekeeper of Heaven is an understanding guy. Heaven is a place for those who are proclaimed sinners, people who know they’ve done wrong, and in the midsts of those mistakes try to pay the penance for them, they try to redeem themselves, and ask God for forgiveness for the sins committed, a person who tries to do the works for the pleasure of God. We cannot get to heaven through good works, but in our love of Christ, we are compelled to do good works because we are the hands and feet of Christ Jesus.

Make sure that as you live your life just like your drives license and your passport, you keep your faith renewed. Knowing Jesus and knowing that through Him is the only way into heaven that’s your passport. Make sure you keep it with you in your daily walk. Make sure you keep it updated by reading your bible, spending time with other Christians, loving your neighbors, and doing the works God has placed on your heart. Have faith in the Lord and you will be rewarded with a one way trip to eternal grace.

 

 

The Good, The Bad, The Ouch

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The Good, The Bad, The Ouch

No matter how nice you may be, no matter how much you do for someone, sometimes people just suck. Yes that’s my official position. Sometimes people are just mean. Sometimes there isn’t a reason for the good and the bad people do. Sometimes people just want to watch the world burn, even if it’s just a small corner of it. Satan loves chaos, he’s the prince of darkness, and the stain of that chaos rings throughout the entire world.

t’s a sad day when some people’s humanity seemed to be stripped away. Some people change and when they do it’s not for the better. When I returned home from Iraq I knew I had changed. The way I looked at the world was different, the way I looked at relationships and love where all different. I came so close to death I gravitated to people and when I cared for someone I cared deeply because I had realized I never knew when the end would come. Because of that I often held on much tighter then those around me. I don’t know if that’s why I’ve struggled to find and keep the love of another in my life, but the heartache and heartbreak that have plagued my life keep things very difficult for me to continue moving forward.

No matter how far someone falls we must always keep hope that redemption is possible. We must always remember that God is always working on every situation and one-day justice will prevail. Patience is something we all struggle with from time to time. As the struggles come to keep the wound sewed shut on my pieced together Frankenstein Monster looking heart, the day will come when the blessing of the Lord will make the wait worthwhile.

While patience of the heart may be the toughest thing we face, we often don’t have a choice. The day will come when the blessings of the Lord will be gifted to the faithful. Proverbs 10:22 “The blessing of the LORD makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it.” We may suffer but it can’t be forever. As much as the pain hurts, you must remember to reach out and continue to reach out until the pain is bearable again. Every day I wake I feel the sharp stabbing pain in my chest. I feel the burden of my cross so heavy I feel like it’s dragging me to my knees. No matter how hard I’ve tried this last year I still feel like the wound is fresh and not healing at all. I’ve attempted, but I feel as if I’m floating in stagnant water, barely keeping my head above the murky water. I feel like I’m drowning every day of my life, and every attempt I’ve made at making my life better, and every attempt to improve my path have failed and have left me searching for answers, searching for an absolution.