Tag: doubt

My Ledger

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My Ledger 

My sins add up and pile upon me like an avalanche. The ledger of my sins is long, and I hear the lies in the dark. I am bound in chains of my own creation. The darkness surrounds me as the hungry wolves lick their chops circling me ready to pounce. My hands are stained red in the blood of cosmic treason and my failures ring in my ears, the sound of Satan’s victory over the spirit. The ledger I carry weighs me down, and as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I hear the war drums all around me, the drums of Hell. The Devil and his demons cast shadows on the cavern walls in the shapes of my sins. I’m reminded of all my failures time and time again, and I wonder, I question who am I to be able to stand tall and speak with authority?

I have failed so often, and I know the word, but the world tells me something different. The world has pushed me, shoved me, beat me when I was down. I feel like my feet are buried in mounds of mud and I can’t take a step. Who am I to be able to stand and speak, who am I but a hypocrite, flawed, not worthy of a grain of salt from the Lord. I look deep in my life, and who am I but a two-time failure at marriage, a failure in a career, a financial failure, a failed businessman, and many would argue a failure as a friend. Who am I to stand up and preach the Gospel of our king when my ledger is flooded with so much?

I’ve stumbled and fallen, and I don’t know how I can carry on keeping on. A broken man with broken dreams, shattered on the floor, a life I don’t recognize. Simpler times before the scars appeared, a hope long gone. Broken and afraid, unable to see the sky. The Devil tells me I’m not good enough, he tells me I’m a failure, he tells me I’m a failure, and how can I ever be more, that I deserve Hell. My chains are heavy, and my pain is deep. What more can I say, but on this day, the Devil found a chink in the armor. I am no one important, this is truth, a truth beyond any measure, but what is truth in the absence of Christ, but a lie. The world’s truths are nothing to the Lord above.

No matter the power of Satan, there’s a power greater then any other, that of Christ. Christ’s blood wipes away my red, His blood frees me, sets me free from the bonds that hold onto me. I feel unqualified for what You want me to do my Lord. I feel weak in this task you’ve set before me. I feel small in a great big world, and I doubt myself. I feel fear that I am not worthy of this task, which I am nobody anybody would ever listen too. I don’t know why anyone would believe a word I say. I don’t know why you’d choose me, choose such a wretched sinner like me. My Lord my Savior you cover my wretched body in the reviving waters dissolving my chains.

I’m a sinner like any other man. My works and my deeds mean nothing. My voice is flat and all I am mean nothing without Jesus. Today I feel the weight of my shortcomings, but I know that I am worth more then I feel in my Fathers eyes. Today I don’t feel okay, and perhaps once in a while it’s okay not to be okay. Knowing that Jesus is still there at the right hand of the Father. Knowing that my sins are forgiven, and the Jesus is here by my side in the trenches. Maybe today, it’s okay for me to bend on knee and ask for God’s grace cover over me to give me strength.

When I look over my life I wonder, nah, I doubt if I’m worthy to stand up and proclaim the word of God, but I study, I pray, and even if I doubt my own ability, it is God that strengthens me.       2 Timothy 2:15 (NKJV) 15 “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”

Being fallible, being so full of doubt, and despite my personal feelings on the matter, I cannot help but be reminded of Gideon. Gideon was chosen by God to defeat the Midianites. Gideon was only one man, but the Angel of the Lord promised that he (Gideon) would defeat them as one man. Like any man would be, Gideon was skeptical of his own ability. One man verse an entire army. Not only was Gideon one man, but as scripture tells us he was the weakest in all of Manasseh, and the least of his fathers house. Who are we in this life without God? We are no one, but in Christ, with the blessings from our Father we can concur the wages of this world.

2 Corinthians 4:1-10 (NKJV)

4 Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. 2 But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. 3 But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, 4 whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them. 5 For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

We are called to proclaim the word of God, and even when we are stifled in our attempts, or silenced, or when our proclamations fall upon the deaf ears of those yet to unplug from this world, we will not be silenced. Even the weak can have a voice. Even the smallest voice rings with power, and truth, so long as it is proclaiming the word, the glorious word of our King on High Jesus Christ. We allow the Holy Spirit to speak through us, to flow through us, and even though we are yet sinners, we are not bound to this world. We are washed clean not once, but seventy times seven, which is boundless forgiveness from our Heavenly Father. Knowing that my Father forgives me for my sins, even when I don’t deserve is shows me God’s endless amounts of mercy. Forgiveness is a hard concept for some, but forgiving ones self is perhaps harder then forgiving others. While my ledger is always being rewritten, I constantly turn to Christ to forgive me of my earthly torments, my failings, my weaknesses. I fight this world, and while my spirit is willing, my flesh is weak. I am reminded that a sin does not start with an action, but within the heart. Who am I, I ask myself, that God would or could ever use a sinner like me? I am small in this world, without a voice, without stature, or status, but despite my own misgivings, God wishes to move me into the deeper waters. As I once dreamt of being a hero, dreamt of being more, being remembered for something great, now, I am full of doubt, but above all shame of an old life.

What did Paul feel I wonder, after his conversion, he was undoubtedly left with guilt for his actions as Saul. On the eve of change, I find myself facing off with the list of crimes against the cross. I find myself being reminded of all the reasons I am a failure, but worst of all, a hypocrite. I am a sinner like everyone else, and while my sins are equal to every else’s, it’s my own failure to forgive myself, allow myself to let go of yesterday, and remember that Jesus has washed away my crime and never dwells upon it. If Jesus can forgive and forget, why can I not do the same for myself? How can I teach love, and grace, and mercy, and forgiveness if I cannot do the same for myself? I read 2 Corinthians again and realize that I am struck down by the world, but I am still standing. I am tempted by the world, but am pulled back by the Holy Spirit. I am dying as a shell, but surviving as a spirit. I remember that I have a treasure deep within as I am saved by mercy. As Obi-Wan Kanobi once said “if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful then you can ever imagine.” This body is nothing by a vessel, a temporary housing for the spirit, which grows in Christ. I am reminded that like any plant to flourish it takes time, effort, water, light, and the grace of God. Our souls are very much like plants, and we need to remember to water our souls by Christ, and let the light of Jesus shine deep within us. The god of this world wants to keep you in darkness, and as I have heard the lies, heard the accusations against me, I know and trust that Jesus knows my heart, and yet still wants me to move forward on this path of light which is laid out before me. I trust my Father and know that if this is where He wants me who am I to argue with the creator of the universe?

My Ledger may always have something against the cross on it, but Jesus knows we are sinners, and loves us anyway. Jesus knows my faults, knows my shortcomings, but despite them, loves me anyway. Even when I cannot see the good within myself, even when I cannot see the man worth saving, Jesus sees me. Who am I? I am a child of the King, a servant of the Savior, a son of the Father.

Do You Doubt Yourself

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Do You Doubt Yourself? 

God, I can’t do what you ask of me; you’ve got the wrong person for the job. God, why am I not handsome enough? God, why am I so stupid I can’t figure out this math? God, I’m not good enough.

No matter what your doubt is, or your level of self-esteem, there’s one very important detail to remember, God loves you, and God has created you for a purpose. It’s hard to understand that we won’t be good at everything. Not everyone will like us, or even respect us. God knows our hearts, our strengths and weaknesses, and because of that God uses us to fit our skill set. I know God isn’t going to put me in a position to rely on math. I also know my gifts don’t rest within the nursery at church, however the youth, God thought it would funny to place me outside my comfort zone to get involved with the youth program at church, despite my comfort level. I have often wondered why me, and I’ve questioned what gives me the right to teach, or preach about our Lord and Savior. I’ve wondered what makes me the right person to start with. When it comes down to it though, am I questioning myself, or am I questioning God? Does God make mistakes? According to scripture, no, God’s plan is perfect, so then, we are the ones sinking in the water because of a little faith.

What do we think about ourselves with others? The Devil is the great divider. If Lucifer can divide us from inside paradise imagine what he can do to our marriages, our families, communities, etc. It’s hard thinking about how far divided we really are. We are divided in ideals, politics, even now the topic of biological sex identity. We have truly become lost in the ideas of the world. Even lost we have hope, a hope of tomorrow, a hope of eternal, and no longer the darkness reigns without a hope. We just need to see the red letters and know the truth. Galatians 3:26 NKJV“For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus.” For my God has breathed a breath of life, and I am reborn in it. I feel the spirit renew my faith everyday. I feel God by my side even in the darkest of nights. I feel God’s warmth in the coldest of days. Fear does not run my life as it once had. I came to the Father broken, and I was remade, re-forged, and built stronger. 

Colossians 3 speaks of being a new man/woman, a new creation in the spirit of the Lord. It calls for us to let go of the old self, to allow the old (you) to die away and be reborn. You aren’t who you were growing up or what side of the tracks you grew up on. We are made of God and in the Holy Spirit we are not divided in God’s house. We are all valued to why do we devalue others, or even ourselves? Just because we are different, and come from different places, doesn’t mean we don’t all add value to this life. Colossians 1:16 NKJV“For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or [powers. All things were created through Him and for Him.”We are all made of God, for God, and that means that each of us plays a roll, not a matter of big or small, God loves us all just the same. 

God I don’t know if I can teach that class. God I don’t know if I can go on that mission trip. God I don’t know if I can lead that ministry in my church. God chooses us because He knows we can handle it. God appoints us because we are the right person for the right job. We must learn to trust in that and be willing to submit, and not constantly push back. We are all Human beings and we bring differences but even in those differences we celebrate under one name, Jesus Christ. We are under our creator the one and only Father God.

We doubt if we can live together, or if we can coexist in this world, but the thing is, we must live in harmony together. Republican or Democrat we say “Oh I’ll never be friends with that someone who voted for that guy.” Even worse, is when the dissention becomes hostile and filled with anger and violence. We don’t have to agree but we are called to live together under one ozone layer. It’s time to put away the foolishness that’s ridden our planet in anger and hatred. It’s time to realize it’s time to make a change. Proverbs 17:27NKJV “He who has knowledge spares his words, And a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.”

God our father teaches a quiet answer that turns away wrath. Do not allow your insecurities to cause you to try and strong arm your opinion. Do not allow fear to dictate your actions. We all have our creator in common and even when I doubt who I am, what I can do in this world, God always says “I got this”.

Always speak the truth and we do that in love. All things are possible in Love. God gives us all a chance to do great things, or terrible things. We have the opportunity to spread love and at the same time if we doubt ourselves, trust that we are loved by the Father. No matter the opportunities God places in your lap, God chose you to be the one unique enough to handle the job. No matter if it’s a ministry class, a mission trip, a conflict at home or work, we have the power to change because we learn the truth in Jesus Christ. We may not be able to change others, but we can change ourselves. Don’t doubt who you are, instead grow in Christ. Don’t run from Christ’s calling for you, instead embrace it, and know that you are so loved by our creator that He wants a personal relationship with you. That means you’re important and needed and wanted. It doesn’t matter what man/women, says about you, all that matters is what we do and if it’s pleasing to God.

We are gifted with Grace, and blessed with Mercy, and we have our Faith that in Jesus Christ alone we are saved. We have Scripture to guide us, to teach us, and in all we do bring Glory to the father. These are the pillars in which we stand and if we are honest with ourselves, we have a blessing and we should all feel special and loved. Don’t let the world tell you you’re anything less then royalty under the blood of Christ. Don’t let the weight and sin of this world eclipse who you really are.

Insomnia

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Insomnia

I lay away at night, so much on my mind, the days, the weeks the months. Bitter sweet for the end, the signature and ink on the line, and that’s it, all that time just vanishes. Was I a failure? I ponder the days that draw near, the move, and even maybe someone. It’s 0100 and I’ve been up for an hour. I slept for an hour and awoke for no apparent reason.

It’s not often I can’t sleep at night. They say when you can’t sleep write down what’s on your mind and get it out. While for me it’s very clear what it is, I have to keep in mind that this is a season of change for me. While there’s plenty in my life that’s a mile beyond complicated I am trying to stay focused on the things I can change, and let go of the things I can’t.

The serenity prayer has been influential tonight, but sleep still eludes me. What do some of you do when you can’t sleep? Do you try the warm milk, count sheep, get out of bed and pace around? Do you turn on the TV, or read, or write in a journal? I’m generally curious.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks.  Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.”

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Proverbs 3:24 “When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.”

Psalms 4:8 “I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in safety.”

 A prayer for sleep: My God my God, I lay awake and worry has my mind. I ask for clarity and peace of mind to allow me to sleep tonight. I am thankful for the many blessings I have. I’m thankful for the new path in front of me, and I’m thankful for the special person you’ve put into my life. Even though I may be restless tonight, I am grateful for all I have. As tomorrow is the closing of an era, I pray strength to continue to move forward. While I will have more bad days to come, I know that peace can be found in knowing you’re still in control. For those who are broken and can’t find the strength to get up off the floor, I pray your peace finds them and me. The days come and go, and I know that though my road is long, the dawn will come and everything will be all right. We are more the choices that we make; we are more then the sum of our past mistakes. Through Christ we are forgiven and even when we don’t deserve that forgiveness, that grace, we are loved beyond anything we can ever understand. Don’t let worry and doubt, and regret keep you up at night. Breathe and let go. Now go get some sleep!

When the Flood Comes

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When the Flood Comes

When the waters rise and the world around you is being flooded what then shall you do? The beauty of the ocean, the serenity of the lakes, the peace that comes when you are out on the calm water, yet how quickly those water can turn deadly when the banks can no longer hold back the raging waves.

We fear the water at times, but in that what we fear is our solitude. The raging floodwaters are destructive, and beautiful at the same time. When you can watch safely from a bridge at the power, the sheer magnificence of waters rule over nature it’s amazing. The world’s problems can be like a flood. When so much happens all at once the flood isn’t necessarily the events, but the emotions caused by them. When the worlds spinning out of control and every emotion we feel seems to wash us further down the river and we get to a place we don’t recognize it’s like being swept into the undertow, or a raging river.

We must know that just as Noah before us we are given safety and refuge. Our God can save us from the waters just by extending a hand. 2 Corinthians 1:4 “Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” The Lord will always send us help when we need it, but we have to see the signs in front of us. The Lord will always try to get us off the destructive path we’re on if we only quiet our lives to hear what we are being told. Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,” Our success is never of our own doing. Our failures however are.

Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.” No matter the troubles we are in we must face our trials with dignity. As Moses split the Red Sea we know that in our own way, we have the ability to overcome our adversities. Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Do not fear the flood when it comes. Do not be afraid of the storms. John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Floods will come and go, and the waters can recede as quickly as they come. As I have often used as an example, God will save you, we just have to realize the gifts sent to us and embrace them. Fight to live, and don’t be afraid of the water when it rises, just build a bigger boat.

 

 

 

It’s Been A Long Road Getting From There To Here

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It’s Been A Long Road Getting From There To Here

Most of you probably don’t know the song that title is from, ‘Where my heart will take me’. The song speaks of a journey, a long one but finally after a long time a breakthrough, and following your heart, and faith to achieve anything because of strength of that faith and soul.

Do we have faith like that? Do we have faith in God to grant us peace in the storm? Do we have faith that God will be our light in the darkness? Do we have faith that when we are down on our knees with no where left to turn God will lift us on the wings of Angels and give us reprieve from our assorted sufferings?

There’s so much in my heart that is full of pain, it’s full of doubt, its full of fear. Multiple times over I’ve faced death. I’ve seen death in the eyes, and I’ve overcome. I’ve seen RPG’s just barely pass by me. I’ve been caught in explosions, I’ve been shot, I’ve been just seconds from death. Every step every turn I’ve been protected by Gods hands. Because Christ lives in me I have managed to overcome. No matter the long road, the destination is beyond the stars. I pray my soul to find peace. I pray that because Jesus lives I will be saved of this pain and tomorrow the day of our salvation will hold true in my heart.

As I struggle with myself, it’s my own weakness. Faith in the Lord is a hard thing to keep. It isn’t the Lord part that’s tough; knowing that because of God I am safe. Because of God I am a free man. Because of God I am alive and the only thing that matters is His love. The world may beat me, the world may torture me, but it’s the life of Jesus Christ, a high price, but I am saved in that love.

The road I’ve traveled has been a rocky road full of pain and suffering. Days like today I struggle to maintain my positive outlook, but the truth is there’s no reason I shouldn’t be positive. Christ has Risen for me. Knowing that if Christ had to die for just me, he would have. A love like that should never go to waist.

As I have lost so much, as I have had to sacrifice so much, it’s never as much as our Lord sacrificed for us. When life does me wrong, keep moving forward. When trouble knocks at the door be sure to raise to the Lord your hands in prayer, and lift our weary soul to our Almighty God. Lift higher and higher to the Lord. We may never be worthy of Gods love, but we have it anyway. Put your own ambitions aside, God will provide.

No matter the road I’ve traveled, here I am, by Gods purpose, and Gods design. I’m here typing to show there is hope. Hope for tomorrow; hope for today because in all things darkness cannot survive the light. The darkness cannot snuff out the light, but the light will always overtake the darkness. Embrace the change of the light inside you. Let the Light of Christ fill your heart and let it change you. Be born again of the light. Even in the darkest of nights the stars will shine, and will guide your path. Look to the sky and see what’s written in the stars. The Lord gives us a sign and we must follow. The Lord will always say “Trust in Me.” So in the starlight, even the words can be seen when you know how to look.

Hallelujah

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Hallelujah

I trusted and went with the flow.

I put my faith in all the wrong places.

Every breath I drew was that of lies.

No matter how far I went I couldn’t see what was there.

I ignored my God, and I fell to my knees and Cried.

Hallelujah My God, I am sorry for my sins.

Hallelujah My God, I’m sorry for my cries.

I’ve walked so far, and now I know I can’t see, can’t see my way out.

God you are Good, but I don’t understand. The storm wages on around me.

God you’re my God, you are keeping me safe even if I can’t see it.

God you loved me enough to save me.

God you owe me nothing, and I owe you everything.

No matter how my mistakes hold me in the mud.

No matter how deep I am, you save me.

God you are glory. God you hold me close when I can’t breath.

My God always has my life in his hands.

My God knows my heart and knows my pain.

Fear, doubt, and disbelief are only tools for the Devil.

Step out of the boat and reach for Gods hand.

Ye of little faith, me of little faith, at times.

Knowing I failed, watching myself fail, there’s only one course.

Be a warrior again, be a holder of the word.

Shield yourself and using the sword of courage pound your shield.

Stand tall against the Devil; stand tall against the demons that wish to bury you.

Take back the fight and rid yourself of those who wish to do you harm.

Fear nothing for The Lord Thy God is with you.

Justice not Vengeance, for vengeance is for God alone.

Love all, Faith in God, Pray, and fight the fight.

Hallelujah My God, I fall to my knees

Hallelujah for my Lord Saves me.

Cross the Bridge to the Lord,

Leave the life behind you’ve live.

Trade for a new life, a new Love.

Hallelujah for Gods love.

Hallelujah for the bridge to salvation.