Tag: Crying

The Man Who Cries

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The Man Who Cries

Years ago, if you were to ask me, ‘when was the last time you cried?’ I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. If you were to ask me today in my life, I could tell you, it was just the other day. I’m sure many of you have seen those last day since incident signs in a workplace, for me, I rarely get beyond a week. After my GSW in 2016, I began multiple therapies. Over the last 8 years, I have done one or two therapies a year, both from the VA and WWP (Wounded Warrior Project). Even though the therapies today are not required, I have chosen to continue to grow, and add tools to my toolbox. Some of these tools are effective communication, emotion regulation, a wholistic approach to self-care, interpersonal relationships, biblical relationships, and more. One side effect however is, some of my emotions stay pretty close to the surface. For years I felt like I was walking along a desert road with no water, no shelter, and no help in sight. I felt like a broken man, in a broken land, and behind me the shadow crept nipping at my heels, waiting for the right time to strike. When it caught up to me in 2016, I was nearly destroyed. In an instant thought, I experienced a miracle, and I was forgiven. I was no longer a man constrained by my fear, my doubts, or my trauma. I’d begin to learn from new eyes, how to heal. Now, I live, with the power of the cross behind me, in front of me, and side by side with me. Jesus saved my soul, and began to put the pieces of my broken heart back together. Since then, I’ve experienced a slew of more miracles, which have unlocked a new character trait. I now cry pretty easily. My tears are not always tears of sadness, but also of joy, or empathy. 

Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” 

Here the Apostle Paul is teaching us how to be Christians with other Christians and the world around us. How do we serve a mighty God? We each have gifts and those gifts are used differently for the Lord. We are told to learn our gifts and use them. We are told much in Chapter 12. 

12 Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and [e]acceptable and perfect.

3 For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. 4 For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly: if prophecy, according to the proportion of his faith; 7 if service, in his serving; or he who teaches, in his teaching; 8 or he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; 11 not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, 13 contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. 17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

We see how to use our gifts, we are told to persevere, to rejoice in the hope of Christ, to not be wise of our own estimation, how to treat our enemies, and more. I have learned much in my 8 years, and have a long way to go. If I’m honest, these last few months have been some of the most challenging of my life. In reality, the song ‘Hard Fought Hallelujah’, truly feels like my theme song right now. There’s a line, “there’s days when a praise come out easy, there’s days it takes all the strength I got.” The heart, a little object inside the body, that keeps us alive. The heart of the mind however, when it’s broken, boy does that affect so much of our life. A broken heart can do so much damage to our lives. In May of 2024 I wrote a post called “The Best Captain”, and it in I wrote a line “Sometimes I can hear the darkness beckon to me, it tells me all is lost.” The darkness gripped me that day in 2016, and I was smashed by the tidal wave. Today, the hardship, the heartbreak is different, but strong. 

“The storm is raging on, the lighting cracks in the sky, and I can barely hear Captain’s orders. The darkness surrounds the ship, as she creaks and groans in the treacherous waves. Fear of the ship running aground, or breaking up, or worse, I get tossed over, leaves me trembling with worry. The waves crash over the rail, and I take the full force of the wall of water. I’m wet, and cold, fear grips me, and I fall to my knees and begin to cry. Just as I do a hand touches my shoulder. “‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your CAPTAIN. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Cap knows just what to say when I need it.” (The Best Captain)

The Best Captain 

I know that Jesus has never left my side. I know that the demons flee before Him, quiver at the sound of His voice. I know that in this life we have trouble, and I know that it’s okay to cry. I know that what I’ve endure is not an easy thing, and not just the surgery, but other things added to it, have given just cause to cry. In my life today, I often ask questions, even from secular songs, how could this apply to me? LeAnn Rimes performed a song ‘How Do I Live’  and in that song: 

How do I

Get through one night with you

If I had to live without you

What kind of life would that be

Indeed, how do I live without Jesus? How could I get through one night with Him the King of the universe? If I had to live without Jesus by my side, what kind of life would that be? I would be nowhere without my Lord and Savior. I would be lost to travel this life on a rotten tub of a ship in the rough seas, where I’d likely sink and join Davy Jones Locker. Without Christ to save us, we are dead men. We are dead in our sins, with no hope. Without Christ we are still plugged into the Matrix. We are still blind. 

I’ve found that in my walk with Christ I have become more sensitive to the emotions of righteousness. I have found that I feel more deeply, but also hurt more deeply when I see injustice. I find that I no longer hide the feelings within, but wear them on my sleeve. Now, don’t misunderstand, if I need to, I am well adept to hide my emotions, if needed. I wonder, in my life, what Jesus would say or do if He witnessed what I have. How would it make Him feel. I have tried to have empathy, understanding, but always stand upon the truth. I’ve often found myself connecting with Captain America’s character, the hero boy scout. I abhor bullies, and injustice. It makes me both angry and broken at the same time. I feel God has given me the mission to stand up with my voice and speak out against injustice. I have spoken about the human trafficking. I have spoken against the mutilation of boys and girls happening in our world. I have spoken out against racism. I have spoken out against the evils of socialism and communism. I have spoken out against the attack on God’s people in the persecuted church. I have spoken out about the evil of killing our unborn children. I have recently felt I need to talk about spousal violence in our society, and will likely do a podcast for this subject. I indeed, feel deeply about these types of injustices, and will continue to speak out. Even though my own life is full of heartbreak, this does not mean the world stops. It doesn’t mean I don’t continue to do the work, even if it means I must drop to my knees, and cry to my Lord, to save my nation. I pray for a great awakening in my land, that we turn from our wicked ways, and seek God. I pray for the stay of the Lord’s judgment, even though I believe we are in His judgment now. Sometimes the Lord’s judgment doesn’t come as a sword, but the turning of His back. I pray we as Christians continue to seek the Lord, and continue to grow in His Word. I pray we treat one another better. I pray we do not take the Lord righteous name in vain, as we wear His holy name and yet we do awful things. These things bring tears to my eyes. My hardships bring tears to my eyes, as the stress on my shoulders is mighty. I have felt like the Greek God Atlas recently, the world on my shoulders. I have been praying the Lord lighten my burden, and I know He will when the time is right. I pray for His help to hold up the burden upon my shoulders. The King, the mighty Lord Jesus, is greatest of all. 

Jesus changed my life, and changed me. Jesus brought me to life, taking my life and giving me new purpose, He has never left my side. Jesus showed me a better way, His way, of living life. Jesus has given me His grace and mercy, and all I can do is try my best to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him. I cannot live in fear, and even though my tears may fall, I have hope that in the end of this journey, the moment I step into glory, I shall have no more tears. I will have no more scars. I shall no more hurt. I will finally be able to rest. I long for that day, I long to be in the presence of my Lord, and finally, meet Him face to face, though I will never be worthy of it. I will never be able to work enough, or do enough, to be worthy of it, but the Lord’s blood washed me clean, and He promised to never leave me, so I’m never alone. I do not cry alone, but the Lord cries with me. Now, and till the day I reach the shores of the far distant land I journey too. 

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A Heart In Pieces 

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A Heart In Pieces 

The world has done a pretty good job at telling me I’m a nobody. Even the military tells us we are nobody in basic training. When I was a kid I was bullied to the point I wished I was dead. I believed God had made a mistake in creating me. I felt like I had done something wrong. Why would I have to grow up without a father, why would I grow up with a broken mother, and why would I be abandoned in my greatest times of need? As Dax said, “I can’t hide myself, I don’t expect you to understand.” In recent years I had many people come and go out of my life and after a while I found, the only reason they kept me in their life, was the money I could provide. Was I just an ATM, there for everyone’s withdrawal? To me, it seemed like it. The moment I said no they’d leave. When I was in absolute crisis and chose to end the mental anguish by putting a 9mm hallow point through my shoulder, and nearly dying in the process, on accident, while there were some that came to my bedside, I had more get mad at me and left. Instead of showing love I was shown the door. I was broken, and I didn’t know how to put myself back together. I was disregarded as a human, I couldn’t complain, I had to just accept the cards I was dealt and move on, I wasn’t allowed to feel. I wasn’t allowed to hurt, instead I had to be positive and smile through the tears. 

What good am I today? I have questioned God and I have asked why He would put a mission on my heart, but I wouldn’t have any means to make it so. I have looked around my life and I see chaos everywhere. What am I providing? Am I still just a wallet? Am I just a waist of space taking up air? I feel in my heart that I am broken. I feel my body failing me, and the chronic pain wears on me. I feel the world beating me down, and I feel tired. I have looked for help, but I’m left with crickets. Why is life so hard for me? Why is it that when anyone who enters into my orbit their life seems to turn to hell? Is it my fault? Is it something about me that attacks the attacks from the evil one? I feel the thunderous waves crashing down upon me. I feel like the walls are closing in and I am tired. I can’t provide for my family, I can’t afford a home, I can barely afford anything. This moldy tent is all I have to show for my years of service and sacrifice. 

Lord I know you are the strength giver. You are the light. You are the great Alpha and Omega. You are the great physician; you are the Lord of Lords and the King of Kings. You are the merciful, and the author of patience, but I need your peace. You are the God of miracles. Your truth tells me to hold on, and those who are yours, no one will ever pluck from your hand. I do not know why I am here to watch as so many face such hardships. The war wages on all around me, and I feel so deeply as I watch lives fracture and crumble, it’s more than I can bare. 

Lord, you are the lighthouse guiding me home. Lord your love surrounds me. Lord your angels are near to comfort my broken heart. Lord your mercy gives me another day. Lord your grace shows me tomorrows opportunities. Lord your faithfulness lifts me up to remember the promise kept. Lord, my hope, my only hope, is to trust you. To know you are in control, to know you are guiding me home, and you guard my soul. 

Lord, my prayer is that in the midst of so much despair. So much fear, and so much anger, you protect me. The storm outside is nothing compared to the turmoil I feel inside. I know Lord, one day I will be with you in glory. Lord, I know one day my body will no longer be broken. Lord, my wounds will only hurt for a short time left. Lord, I know one day you will call me home, and I will be made new. Lord, I know you took the stripes for me. Lord, I know that the only scars in Heaven will be the scars on you, my Lord. You tasted death so one day I wouldn’t have too. Lord, you faced this world, stepped out of glory for me. Lord, my world is broken, but you will make all the old new. Lord, you catch my tears and you hold them. Lord, you feel my tears I cry for this world, in all it’s brokenness. Lord, you give strength to face the day when I don’t know how I will make it one more step. Lord, you take my fear and you turn it to courage to hold the line for you. As the arrows of the enemy fly all around me, you keep me protected, hidden behind your shield. Your sandals on my feet dig in as the enemy pushes down upon me. Amen Lord, while the thunder rolls, you are there with me. Lord, hold fast this Armor, remind me Lord, you are there, you have never left my side, and while I am broken, and bloody, I am still here. Lord, take my broken heart, piece it back together, and let me be a light for others. Let others look upon me and see you. Let me continue to fight the good fight for your praise, your glory, your purpose. 

Lord, forgive me for my shortcomings. Forgive my sins, and show me the path. Show me how I can do more to serve you. I will praise you in this storm, and I’ll lift my hands. Please watch over my family and be with them in their storms. Please protect them from the evil that means to do them harm. Please as I lift my eyes to you, please look down and protect them. Let your spirit comfort their worries, and turn their fear into courage. Lord you are worthy of praise, and worship. Your will be done. Amen. 

Lord, as Casting Crowns put it, 

I don’t know why you chose me, but you chose 12 nobodies and you changed the world. I don’t know why you chose me, but I’m just a nobody, tryin’ to tell everybody, all about somebody who saved my soul. 

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Tears On My Pillow

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Tears On My Pillow

I’ve spent many nights since my life was flipped upside down more than two years ago crying, tears staining my pillow. I hide my face in shame, shame for where I am, shame for what I’ve done. Shame for being a failure, and for not being any further along in my life. It’s a rough time but faith in God has gotten me through many nights. Even great men of faith cry. No matter what you’re told it’s okay to cry. Ecclesiastes 3:4“A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance;” We have been given tears for a reason, tears allow the strong emotions we have to be shed in a physical way. Much like laughter it’s important we allow our bodies to feel. If David himself went to the Lord with tears in his eyes, who are we to say men don’t cry?

 

Psalm 6:6“I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears.” It’s perfectly normal to cry when you’re sad, or feeling hopeless. It’s important to know that there is always hope. Crying is a way to relieve the pressure that builds up inside. It is part of the array of emotions we feel, and it’s important to know that while the stigma can be that grown men don’t cry, that’s a bunch of societal crap.

 

John 11:35“Jesus wept.”  Our Lord and savior cried and in front of others. Don’t be afraid to cry, and please don’t tech your children, especially your boys that it’s not okay to cry. This world is full of young people who don’t know how to express their emotions and the damage it’s causing is severe. We must learn to have a healthy range of emotions. Crying does not mean you’re weak, and it does not mean you have no hope. Jesus is the hope, the one way, the truth, and the everlasting life. Trust in Him, pray to Him, and know that when you cry, Christ cries with you.

I SIT ALONE

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I SIT ALONE

I sit alone, so alone, the pain inside aches and pains that make taking a breath sometimes the most difficult thing I do. I never know what my tomorrow brings because everything I had and everything I knew was pulled away, ripped from me in the most violent way. No pain so emotional has ever hurt so bad, has ever crippled me, but this pain brought me to my knees.

Why I cried out, why me, why again? The past has a hold of me and I just can’t quite let it go. Is it the thought of loosing the woman I loved, or is it being alone? Is it that it didn’t happen once but twice? I don’t truly know what the answer is for myself.

I have done everything I can with what I’ve have at my disposal. The experts say there are a few things that have to happen to allow healing to happen naturally, and in a healthy way. Since then, I haven’t yet found my footing on my path to a new me. A new me, I don’t even know what that truly means. As I’ve struggled to look within to find the man I want to be I haven’t been able to figure that out because I don’t know who I am anymore. The last year of my life has put into question every notion I had about the world and my place in it. I haven’t been able to make headway in moving forward with my life and perhaps that’s the reason I feel like I’m moving in slow motion, I feel like I’m not just moving in slow mo, but I in quicksand. The realistic point of view is things just haven’t worked out yet. The man I am to become is still a work in progress.

While I truly don’t know what my future holds, or what I’m supposed to do, or the life I’m to live, I have to believe that God has a plan for me. A plan to succeed not to fail, not to fall. When someone you love hurts you in that way it can make you question everything about yourself. The darkness can be overwhelming but at some point you must learn to let it go. We must let ourselves heal, and to do that we must tell ourselves we are worth more then our failures. We are worth more then the sum of those who have hurt and abandoned us. We are worth more then the way we have been treated. We can be treated like garbage and thrown away like a beat up used toy. While divorce can cause a whole hurricane of negative feelings, all sorts of traumas happen to people that can cause all sorts of problems. And while I’ve spent a lifetime fighting the fight, I know that sometimes we just need to rest.

We can’t be angry all the time. At some point we have to let go of what fuels our fire and allow the healing to begin. No matter the time that goes by, the ability to start healing, to start letting go is always a possibility. While the pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the guilt and fear rage on in our heads like a CD stuck on repeat, we must somehow learn to break the cycle. We all need someone to help us bare that cross when it’s too heavy. We all need someone in our lives to help us along the way.

While I sit alone I wonder where I go from here. While I sit alone I question my place in this world. While I sit alone I miss so much in life. While I sit alone I miss the comforts of companionship. It’s almost like a drug, you have it for so long and it’s gone all of a sudden, gone in the blink of an eye. How could someone you care for, care for you, and betray you like the years prior didn’t matter at all. The truth is, the answers as much as I’ve wanted them done matter. The why isn’t going to change the past, and no matter how hard we may want to, the inevitable realization, life still continues. While I may be alone in my walk without someone, I know that God, my God is with me always. While I can only see a small baby step ahead of me, the future is still left wide open. God will help guide me on my way, and one can only hope that when the time is right, I won’t be alone anymore. That I may be gifted with the family I’ve tried so hard for, only to have them ripped away from me. I’ve never in my life been more disappointed by my loved ones, and as this lesson has been a difficult one to learn, I have learned that even those in our lives we look up too, even then, they can turn out to be someone completely different, someone we don’t recognize. While people come and go out of our life for better or worse we must learn that as there’s a season for everything and we must learn to accept that. If someone value’s you, you will be a priority to them, and if you have someone important to you, you can’t take that for granted. I’ve been close to death a few times and if I’ve learned anything in all that time it’s life is short, and we must value the gift of time we have, and cherish the people you love. We never know when that time may run out.

Broken Sky

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Broken Sky

The pain inside caused by you shattered like a mirror to the floor all around.

God protect me so I can put the peaces back together.

God give me your eyes so I can see the reasons why.

The tears that fall, fall like bricks to the ground. The flood all around now from tears I’ve spent.

Why would you do this I scream, why oh why I cry.

Nothing’s all right, nothings okay, I’m fine I say, but the lie that lies.

I’m broken hearted and I feel fractured inside, torn to which way to go.

A second chance, a third and forth, but nothing helps.

God tells me I’m more than what I feel. Tears drench my shirt, my desk, my everything.

I’m not who I once was, I am afraid, and I don’t know what else to do.

God hurts too, or so the Bible tells me so.

God am I being punished for my mistakes, is this only path?

God says no, no punishment, free will makes the heart break.

We are more than the mistakes we make. We are remade in the light, washed by the waters.

God stay with me tonight, God hold me tonight, Abba I need you today. I’m broken.

God my pain is deep and I feel like I’ll never be whole again. Abba save me from my sorrow.

God my God please save me tonight. Help me fight what I feel, help me feel today I can be saved.

God please bless me, please don’t make me wait. God my God help me, I need to feel you here.

God my God I know that I’ll be stronger in the end.

God my Abba please stand with me in this fire, please help me not feel the pain as the fire burns away the old.

God my God please help my heart, please hold me tonight. God my God don’t forsake me tonight.

What don’t kill ya makes ya stronger I know, but I can’t do it alone. My God my God don’t let me fall tonight.

The Hard Love I feel, the pain inside, fractured and broken, I am shattered in the mirror on the ground.

God my God, my Father, please piece me back together better than I was before.

My God my God please allow me to be rid of the rocky road, protect me from the Devil, please I beg of thee.