Tag: Changes

Loss

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Loss

The losses I’ve seen have been immeasurable. The battle always wages on inside us. The sights and sounds of the war still rage on. You close your eyes and the weapons flash, the sounds of explosions and the feel of the blast vibrate through your chest. The sights of burnt pieces of metal, a whole so deep in the ground you picture men placing the objects of death in the hole dug. No matter how hard you try the faces never leave you. The smells invade the memory and create a feeling of nausea you just can’t fight. The heart pumping quickly ever memory of explosions along with the fear from the RPG’s flying over head, the bullets ricocheting off the driver door, the, and the weight of the wheel when you can barely fight the truck your driving. The dead haunt me, and the living spites me.

The air is warm, and the sun shines down to the world below. The feeling of the pistol the handgrips textured, the trigger smooth and light. The black smooth slide almost reflective the last things seen before the flash. The blood pools and drains down the shirt. The air sucked from the lungs as the world turns black. To see the blackness of nothing, a voice slips between the lips. ‘God I’m sorry.’ As the thunder struck, the voice shook the world, ‘You’re forgiven.’ Waking in pain so bad death would be a release. The weight of the world now crushing down, the future bleak and dark, but is that a light at the end of the tunnel?

A divorce rips apart a life. The feeling of betrayal, the aching of emotions feels physical. The lowness of the barrel, only to be repeated twice, twice the pain, and no the second time wasn’t easier. Loosing loves twice by way of affairs hurts down into the pit of your stomach like nothing I ever felt. But sad to say this wasn’t the only pain I would feel.

Growing up, I experienced a couple traumatic events, I won’t go into detail now. Just know that the pain felt as a child was confusing, and difficult. The only truth was God was always there watching over me, helping me through it, even if God was the farthest thing from my mind at the time. The struggles of an 11 year old trying to understand the cruelty of the world is difficult, and harsh. Why would a loving God allow such pain and suffering upon the innocents of a child?

Between watching loved ones die, loosing family, loosing friends, being close to death myself, the truth remains that in the vastness of loss and heartache the Lord is still on the throne. Every situation both good and bad that forces us down a path, we must remember to thank God for everything we have no matter what it is. God is not evil, and God doesn’t bring hardships unless we need the lessons. No matter the cost we must endure the hardships in front of us. Our lives can be the ice storm, or the thaw after, if we focus on the right path.

Being displaced, and having everything ripped away, everything one would hold most dear in life is something no one should have to endure, especially twice. While we all will face grief and suffering the difference is the sheer number of events, and the intensity of each one. While the truth is plain no matter who we are pain and suffering are bound to happen. We were promised pain, and suffering, trials, and we were promised the thorns and thistles, but in all of that we were also promised grace, peace, and love. Gods grace is sometimes all we have, and that grace in the wake of loss has to be enough, because if it’s not, we are left with no hope, and if we have no hope, life is lost.

September 1, the Month of Hell

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September 1, the Month of Hell

No matter the time that goes by some memories stay engrained. There are times in our lives when the world seems foreign, days that defy what we know to be true. We have our normal days where the small things that happen still fall within ‘normal’. We have so few days in our lives that are so far out in left field that no matter if we want to or not we remember. For those people who survived 9/11 in New York City they will never forget. For those who survived Boston, San Bernardino, Paris, the list goes on, they will forever have those images in their heads. As for me, my month, the month where it seems everything goes wrong, is September. September is the month of so much death, destruction, loss, and hopelessness it’s tough to see beyond the 30 days. The 30 days pain that come every year, makes the tears flow to the floor.

The only thing we can do sometimes is count the breaths from our chest. Sometimes the world is so heavy we can’t take a step, but we can take a breath. How we make it through anniversaries of such pain, of such destruction is to find support, find friends to be with, find distractions, but take a moment to recount the event, remember it, but focus on the fact you made it through. That horrible car accident, that loss of a loved one, that near death experience, or loss of your dream job, whatever the case may be just remember God got you through it. Whatever your going through right now just remember if you aren’t through it yet, God is pulling you through as we speak.

We may love to take a whole month and hibernate, forget it ever happened, sadly we all know that’s not at all possible. As the song goes, if we wanna make a change, take a look at yourself in a mirror. How can we make a change when we can’t see the light? How can we make a change when we can’t feel the hope? How do we make a change when we can’t get up? There’s no easy answer. Some days the world is going to feel too strong. All you can do is hold on tight. The pain hurts us deep into our very bones, but when we can’t see the light, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Recently I watched a movie for the second time and as I thought about it I couldn’t help but draw similarities to an actual event and how I was feeling. The Finest Hours a story about a tanker out in the Atlantic that broke in half during a horrible snowstorm. The Coast Guard was not equipped to have two tankers break apart in the same day. While the crew of the SS Pendleton struggled to find a way to keep the ship from sinking, Bernie Webber takes just 3 men on little more then a lifeboat out to try and find and rescue the abandoned crew. The story is based on the actual event that occurred on February 18th 1952. In what seemed like impossible odds the grace of God was present. So many things went wrong and yet most the survivors and Webber’s crew made it back alive. The biggest thing was Webber’s little boat lost the compass. In the middle of the ocean with no compass in the middle of the storm they still managed to find their way back. What do we do when we can’t seem to find our compass?

Battling the memories of the past, nightmares that like clockwork start to take numbers to invade my mind. When we don’t have the compass to point our path, and when the darkness isn’t lit by a single light what’s left to walk by? Faith is sometimes all we have. Faith is not always easy to have but if we are to trust in the Lord walking by faith even when we can’t see, our broken hearts, our broken spirits can be lifted up and healed by the Lord. In the month of September throughout my life I’ve lost my best friend who died unexpectedly, I’ve nearly died in an ambush in Iraq, I was shot and nearly died, I watched the love of my life walk away from our marriage and didn’t look back, I lost my job I worked so very hard for, I watched friends walk away and never looked back, and as I’ve lived only a short while on this planet, I have lived this life growing ever more afraid of what the month of September had to offer. Other tragedies have befallen me in this tragic month, and the fear I have of the month seems more and more justified. Every year the month starts to come around and I fear what lies in my path that will try to destroy me. After 33 years the only thing I can say is I’m still here, I’m still fighting the fight, I’m still standing albeit battered and bruised, broken in some ways, but I’m not down for the count, not yet.

As September will mark the 1-year mark that my wife left me, that she left our family, and I struggle to hear anything through the storm. I have watched this year as bad turned worse, and continued to spiral downward towards the spikes at the very bottom. As my strength would allow me to climb, claw my way up the mud and the muck. Barely able to see my next point to grab, I reach out and dig in, fingers bleeding, I continued to reach out and climb. When I made progress I would get hit with falling rocks, the handgrips would fail and I’d slide backwards not to the spikes, but I’d loose a lot of ground. No matter the traps, the attacks, the setbacks, I never stop climbing. Praying to God every inch climbed, and praying to God in every inch lost, I praised God through the entire storm. Some days the war seemed like it would take me, and there were days I prayed it would. There’s no doubt that this last year has been a struggle. And there’s been days when I prayed to God to take me home. There were days I cursed God for not taking me home last September. I cursed God for not putting me out of my misery. I questioned God why am I so important to keep me here? No matter how much I wanted to I never got my answer, and even today, as I consider where I am, where I’ve been, where I’m going, I question the why. I have learned that my only hope is to trust in the Lord. Trust in the lord in the middle of the war, in the middle of the storm, because Gods love like angles wings protect maybe not our body, but our soul. Isn’t that what the war is all about? Isn’t the war for souls and not for the bodies? Genesis 3:19 “19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.” Our bodies came from dust, and will one day return to the dust. Our souls, our essence of who we are is what survives, what the world is actually fighting for, the only thing worth fighting for.

Romans 7:14-25 “14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.” While lengthy this verse talks about the war we face within. The battle between good and evil on the inside, and the battle between the righteous and the sinner on the outside isn’t a war that’s easy to see the sides in black and white. No matter what war you face, no matter what side you find yourself on whether it be the side of the angels, or the side of the demons, the fog of war makes life difficult sometimes. We may trust people who come into our path, and sometimes that trust is misplaced. In the last few months, I’ve struggled a great deal with this. I’ve met a few people who’ve come into my life, and seemingly they were there as a potential relationship, but as quickly as they came into my life and they made me believe I was special, and their interest was high, they up and vanished without a trace, actually it was more like they decided to cut contact, block every communication we had, and never, or as it seemed, never looked back. There is always an explanation and although I don’t have one, and as I spent time reviewing the conversations, going over what happened again and again in my head, I would never find answers. 1 John 4:1 “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” Not every person who comes into your life is a gift from God. Sometimes they are wolves in sheep’s clothing that are actually sent by the Devil to test you, to pull you away from the path. In each of our lives aspects of our path will be tested, and we see that in Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

While the constant attacks on our lives may be the occasional test of God, it may also be attacks from the Devil to pull us away from God. The more attacks someone may go through the more likely they are to abandon ship. Someone once told me, ‘the more you get kicked while you’re down, the less likely you are to get back up.’ While I completely understand, we must try to remember the essence of faith. As September is my month of Hell, there are millions around the world who have their own September. As each of us has our own battles to face, we must learn to find other soldiers in Christ. We must learn that we are not to fight these battles apart, instead we fight these battles with God as our General, and soldiers in Christ as our small squad, we can fight and face any challenge or crisis we may see in our days. 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” We should choose our friends wisely. Choose our partners the love of our life even more wisely. My bad choices helped to lead me down a bad path. A path that would gift me with nothing but pain and while I do not wish ill will upon anyone, either of my ex-wives, any of the friends who have left me, any of the others that I’ve talked to who built my trust just to watch me fall when they where done. Finally I leave with this last verse, 2 Peter 2:9 “Then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment,” We will be rescued from our trials when we have stayed par for the course. Every trial we face is like a grade in school. We cannot move forward to the next until we’ve completed the pre-requisite. Moving us forward too soon would only result in our failure. And while we may fail in our day to day lives, it’s important to know how to pick ourselves up, and continue to push through, punch through, never quit and never surrender to the darkness. We must never allow the darkness to overtake us because falling to the darkness comes at too high of a price. Our very souls, to live in eternal bliss, or damnation, we choose how we want to live our lives, every second of every day, with every person we meet, and every action we take. “I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.” —Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

 

 

 

The Wages of Sin

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The Wages of Sin

Since the fall from grace and Sin entered the world people have lived under the influence of Sin. Genesis 3:3-4 “3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Mankind was tricked into allowing Satan to pull us from God’s grace. Ever since mankind has made one bad call after another. We consistently have moved in bad directions, we treat our neighbors horribly, we even treat our loved ones with disdain.

If we live our lives in a manner that is not pleasing to the Lord, a life that is against the simple commandments, we are forced to face the ramifications of our ignorance, or blatant disregard. Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Each of us gambles with our souls when we choose sin over life. Each of us puts our trust in something we will never see first hand. We believe that God is sovereign and on the throne over all. The flip side of course is what happens when we sin on purpose. Romans 5:12 “Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:” When we sin when we turn our backs on Christ and walk a path of wrongdoing, we can look forward to the words in Revelation 21:8 “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”

The joys of the world, the draws of sinful nature can be enticing and often pulls us from the graces of Christ. We must remember that Christ paid for our sins under the condition we follow Him. Every one of us is given a choice. John 3:36 “He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.” We can’t negotiate at the foot of the cross. All sin is created and judged equally to God. We must answer for our sins regardless of our beliefs, and yet on our best day we sin, we fall short, and sometimes we hurt those closest to us. We will always hurt those closest to us by accident, but it’s when we do it on purpose that has a particular rank. When we knowingly sin in the efforts to gain our own selfish desires, we risk it all. We never know when the end will come for us. We never know when the good Lord will end our lives. It may be when we are old and gray in our beds, or it may be the next time we go walking outside our door, either way, we wager our eternal lives on the pursuit that the Devil promised all those years ago. We know good and evil, and the world is surly evil. We see people doing good works in the name of the Lord, but even those who do good works can fall from grace. Don’t turn your back on the Lord when times get tough. Don’t believe the lies of Lucifer, and don’t let go of your salvation just for the joys of Sin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you have your passport?

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Do you have your passport?

John 14:6 “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” We know that the only way to heaven is to believe in the Son Jesus Christ. I have traveled over a large portion of the world and during those travels I had to use my passport to do so. When we die we have a choice of where we want to travel next. When we live our lives our actions will dictate where we go. Just like our passport to travel abroad, our passport doesn’t always give us the ability to travel to any country they want. Parts of China, Russia, and North Korea for instance are not permissible with a passport alone.

In Romans 10:9 it reconfirms the point that you cannot travel to Heaven without the relationship with Jesus Christ. “Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” The point is simple, we have straightforward rules to follow and if we do that, if we give our lives to Christ and accept that we are small in the grand scheme of life.

When we think about eternity why are we so stubborn to face the facts of life like a good honorable person? Sometimes in life it’s difficult to keep ourselves focused on the big picture. We often want the feel good medicine. We give up our morals, our compass that points to God for the things that give us worldly gratification. We often fall short in our walk with Christ, but thankfully the gatekeeper of Heaven is an understanding guy. Heaven is a place for those who are proclaimed sinners, people who know they’ve done wrong, and in the midsts of those mistakes try to pay the penance for them, they try to redeem themselves, and ask God for forgiveness for the sins committed, a person who tries to do the works for the pleasure of God. We cannot get to heaven through good works, but in our love of Christ, we are compelled to do good works because we are the hands and feet of Christ Jesus.

Make sure that as you live your life just like your drives license and your passport, you keep your faith renewed. Knowing Jesus and knowing that through Him is the only way into heaven that’s your passport. Make sure you keep it with you in your daily walk. Make sure you keep it updated by reading your bible, spending time with other Christians, loving your neighbors, and doing the works God has placed on your heart. Have faith in the Lord and you will be rewarded with a one way trip to eternal grace.

 

 

The Good, The Bad, The Ouch

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The Good, The Bad, The Ouch

No matter how nice you may be, no matter how much you do for someone, sometimes people just suck. Yes that’s my official position. Sometimes people are just mean. Sometimes there isn’t a reason for the good and the bad people do. Sometimes people just want to watch the world burn, even if it’s just a small corner of it. Satan loves chaos, he’s the prince of darkness, and the stain of that chaos rings throughout the entire world.

t’s a sad day when some people’s humanity seemed to be stripped away. Some people change and when they do it’s not for the better. When I returned home from Iraq I knew I had changed. The way I looked at the world was different, the way I looked at relationships and love where all different. I came so close to death I gravitated to people and when I cared for someone I cared deeply because I had realized I never knew when the end would come. Because of that I often held on much tighter then those around me. I don’t know if that’s why I’ve struggled to find and keep the love of another in my life, but the heartache and heartbreak that have plagued my life keep things very difficult for me to continue moving forward.

No matter how far someone falls we must always keep hope that redemption is possible. We must always remember that God is always working on every situation and one-day justice will prevail. Patience is something we all struggle with from time to time. As the struggles come to keep the wound sewed shut on my pieced together Frankenstein Monster looking heart, the day will come when the blessing of the Lord will make the wait worthwhile.

While patience of the heart may be the toughest thing we face, we often don’t have a choice. The day will come when the blessings of the Lord will be gifted to the faithful. Proverbs 10:22 “The blessing of the LORD makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it.” We may suffer but it can’t be forever. As much as the pain hurts, you must remember to reach out and continue to reach out until the pain is bearable again. Every day I wake I feel the sharp stabbing pain in my chest. I feel the burden of my cross so heavy I feel like it’s dragging me to my knees. No matter how hard I’ve tried this last year I still feel like the wound is fresh and not healing at all. I’ve attempted, but I feel as if I’m floating in stagnant water, barely keeping my head above the murky water. I feel like I’m drowning every day of my life, and every attempt I’ve made at making my life better, and every attempt to improve my path have failed and have left me searching for answers, searching for an absolution.

 

Finding my Black Canary

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Finding my Black Canary

Do many of you often wonder where you other half is? As I have often wondered what the next step in my life may be, I question the range of relationships. While I’ve wondered why the women I have loved have decided to move on with their lives and leave the life built behind them, I consistently struggle with the reason for this particular path. While the why isn’t the focus here the focus is how do we move forward? Sometimes we love and loose, how do we begin to fix our broken hearts?

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 147: 3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Romans 8:39 “nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

1 John 4:10 “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

 When we are down and broken we know that the Lord is with us and our crushed spirits. We can only rely on the spirit to pick us back up. The Lord starts to heal us the instant the stab to our heart happens. Just because wrongs are done, and they may be done by us, or to us, neither wrong can separate us from the Lord. Jesus is hand in hand with us no matter what. The God above, the creator of heaven and earth, forgives our sins and it is the love of God that give us strength. We are nothing without God, and without God’s grace. Everything we have is a gift. Either God gives us our gifts, or sends us along our path. Either God sends us our pain, or allows our pain to happen. No matter what the case may be, all things happen with the blessing of God. God only allows us to travel a path as long as He deems fit. Sin will only be tolerated in our lives for so long before we will be punished by our Father. How long will we blatantly Sin in our lives before we realize we are wrong and fix it?

Psalm 71:20 “You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.” No matter how far we fall, no matter how deeply we hurt, God will lift us up again and help us heal. We aren’t meant to be alone. Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” No matter our situation we shouldn’t allow ourselves to become overwhelmed. We need to learn to let go of our sorrows and allow the Lord to take care of them. We must endure our crucibles to survive them. We must learn that our gifts will far outweigh our pain and suffering.

For me I believed I had found my Black Canary to my Green Arrow. I believed I had found the woman who completed me. I never wanted anyone else. I felt in my days like I was missing something, like I needed friends to complete what I perceived as missing. The fact was I wasn’t truly looking for friends the truth was I was still dealing with the ramifications of multiple posttraumatic events in my life. Loosing the woman I loved, the woman I would have done anything for and fought to give anything I could. There were many reasons she left, most of which I don’t know, and even to this day don’t understand. However, as broken as I am, I feel badly for her. As I pray one day she may remember the spark that led us together to start with, allow us to rekindle what was damaged. Anything is possible if you believe in Christ. While I have struggled with my ability to move on I have to have faith in the unknown. I believe that no matter the time that goes by if two people are meant to be together life will somehow draw them back together. Love is undying, love is forever, but everything is in God’s time. Some day I will find my woman in a mask to match my own. One day I will find a woman who will don the mask and put on the jacket. I will keep the faith as all of you out there have lived through loss and divorce. Divorce doesn’t have to be the end. Trust in the Lord and in Him your future will be, as the sun shall rise. We must learn patience and in that patience trust that in God’s time someone will come into your life. Remember to put God first, and always. Believe in the Lord and don’t forget to pray. I myself struggle with the patience of such things. Even with that struggle I pray and know that prayer is important in our daily relationship with the Lord our Father. 1 John 5:14-15 “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.” Have trust in our prayers being heard for Abba is with us always.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Promise

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The Promise

 You know what really bakes my noodle? It bothers me when people make promises and break them. As a young child people often made promises to me only to break them over and over again. As I got older it became very important to me to keep my promises. I’m not one to make a promise and not fulfill it or come through. However, it seems that’s not a very common trait for most. The Bible has scripture about keeping your word or promises. 1 John 2:5 “But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him.” The Lord does not take promises and oaths lightly. Matthew 5:33-37 “Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.” To break your word is a Sin. A promise and oath are forever. Your word is your bond. Your word and if you are a trustworthy person are important to image.

Psalm 89:34 “I will not violate my covenant or alter the word that went forth from my lips.” When we make a promise to someone it’s not to violate our word. Matthew 5:33 “Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.” When you make a promise to someone God looks on that promise like you’re making a promise to Him. James 5:12 “But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.” Do not condemn yourself into wickedness by allowing yourself to speak untruths. People who listen to you, do you want them to look at you with untrusting eyes? Do you want to be the type of person that no one believes a word you utter? Don’t hide behind excuses or lies, as sure as the seasons will pass and the snows will melt, the truth will always have it’s day.

It’s important to only make a promise if you are going to keep it. You must remember what you promise to do all you can to keep it. When you vow to do something you should do everything in your power to do it. When you make a vow you must remember that a vow in a bond, more then simple promise. An oath is a covenant unbreakable. Marriage for instance, how simple it’s become to marry, swear a vow to one another, create the covenant before God and yet not only do you break that before your spouse, but you break it before God as well. Do not allow yourself to be ruled by the wicked of the world. There is nothing OKAY with divorce. There’s nothing okay with breaking your promise to anyone. There’s nothing okay with breaking someone’s heart or turning yourself into a liar. What’s worse is when you become a habitual liar. To sin is bad, to sin habitually is worse. Do not allow the world to dictate what you do and the things you lie. Let your yay be yay, and your nay be nay. Speak from the heart and with truth. Don’t hide yourself behind lies. The truth will always set you free.

 

Why do I feel the way I do?

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Why do I feel the way I do?

I’ve been considering an awful lot about my future these last few weeks I’ve been in recovery. I’ve been wondering why it’s been so hard to meet new people. I’ve been wondering why every plan I’ve had since my separation started has blown up in my face. I’ve been wondering why every new potential lady I’ve met has ghosted me. What does that say about me? Am I being prepared for something more in the future, or something I’m supposed to learn right here and now? While of course I won’t ever have an answer the questions come regardless.

A verse that popped out at me today Hebrews 4:12 “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” While I have begged for a change of heart, a change in the way I feel in certain circumstances, I have yet to overcome a particular character flaw, or at least what I perceive as a flaw. God can see what is in our heart of hearts. He sees beyond the mask we wear and show those around us. God sees everything and knows our deepest thoughts, even the ones we may bury so deep we ourselves don’t see them. The truth in the word can often cut us deep to the bone. My personal experience has led me to feel the conviction on more then one occasion. There was a major event last year that touched me. There was a sermon on forgiveness that I needed to hear just one day after I found out about a serious wrong against me by someone I cared for.

Hebrews 4:13 “Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in his sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do.” God knows what we need and when we need it. The right message at the perfect time and when we don’t listen to the word the message is sent to us one way or another, and perhaps by force. The Father wants what’s best for us, and sometimes when the father wants to teach children a particular lesson you have to have a more stern teaching method. Though I’m not a father, and I never had a father, I pay attention to the fathers of my close friends. As I have often felt bitter about the way my life has gone, the hardships I’ve faced and I am forced to remind myself that scripture is full of those who went through so much pain prior to death. Moses, Joseph, Stephen, Paul, David (Prior to becoming King), and of course the suffering and crucifixion of Jesus Christ. If my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ could go through torture, relinquishing any pride, and knowing what was at stake, our immortal souls free from eternal damnation.

Knowing all of this, why do I still feel like I’m not good enough? Romans 7:14-20 “For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.” Knowing I am special and unique because I am of God’s creation does not stop my own self worth being in question. Perhaps the biggest issue is the built in flaw that we see as a flaw, but what if that flaw isn’t a flaw at all. 2 Corinthians 12:7 “So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.” While I am always willing to admit I’m wrong, and I may be on the built in flaw aspect, it would make sense to ensure we aren’t conceited. For me my biggest failing is my self worth, and the need for social interaction. I guess one of the biggest things to face is the problem, and admitting there is one, or at least something to work on. While it’s very possible that these flaws are there to give us something to always work on. None of us are perfect because we can’t be. Sin prevents perfection and the sooner we realize what our flaws are, accept them, and focus on fixing them to the best of our ability we can realize we are exactly as God created us.

Every waking day we fight because the battle doesn’t stop just because we don’t want to fight anymore. While I would love nothing more to drop off the grid, if I could manage the solitude I have often questioned if anyone would miss me. I have often questioned if I could get over my social requirements if I could actually survive out on my own. I have questioned if I could manage to live on a boat by myself on the sea, in a cabin in the woods, and just survive without the influence of the world. The world beats us down and some people have more struggles then others. The path and struggle although painful and full of sacrifice, the end result is something more. We can either embrace the fire or run from it. I feel the way I do because the world has been a cruel and unforgiving place full of pits and spikes, and flaming arrows that have burned down my life more then once. The house can always be rebuilt if the foundation is strong. A tree can be cut back and cut back, but with strong roots it can grow again. When the world burns down the house to the foundation rebuilding takes time. So long as we realize rebuilding can’t and won’t happen over night, we can be in the right mindset that rebuilding is a chance to change, a chance to fix mistakes, make things bigger and stronger then they were before. To purge the old and make way for the new, but there will be hardships along the way, there will be tests, but know that God never allows you to go through the tests until you’re ready to overcome them. Be brave and keep calm, buckle your armor and prepare for the next step, the next chapter and face the enemy head on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cage

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The Cage

You lied to me and then you left. My heart was cracked and broken, and all this time it feels like it’s still held captive behind a cage. Unable to be free, unable to heal, the barbed wire tears it apart with each attempt to escape the torture. For how long will you have the power over my heart? For how long will you break my heart again and again?

The day has to come when the power breaks. Nothing can last forever. Once upon a time I thought you were my angel sent to me by God, the reward for a life of hardship. Once upon a time I thought you were my sign that life would forever be a blessing and I foolishly believed that love, the love we had would be the forever kind. I believed with all my heart that no matter what came our way I wouldn’t have to worry. But I underestimated the devils cry. I didn’t see the attack before it was too late, and then, you were gone.

I didn’t fight in time. The Trojan horse got in, and I watched it come. I took the horse for a horse not a trap. I rose no defense, I sounded no alarm, and when the night came the true nature of the horse was revealed and by then the fight was over.

My love was all I had to give. I gave the world I could, but that love wasn’t strong enough. Without that love I questioned everything in my life. I fell into a caged despair. I gave my everything, but like some soldier going toe to toe with Hercules I was swatted away like a fly, not chance at all. I stood no chance against the giant and I fell easily.

There’s nowhere to run, there’s no place to go, I can only surrender what’s left within me to the alter of the one above. I beg and plead to put the pieces back together. I beg and plead to make me whole. The one above is powerful and through the grace of His love and peace, the pieces can be made whole again. God above will mend the heart, but the scars will remain. As Christ rose from the dead for the defeat of eternal death, the scars remained, proof of the past, so thus we must keep our scars.

I question my past and my present yet no answers come. I never thought the day would come when the world would crack in two, but on the day it did I cried to the heavens I was sorry for any mistakes I made, I was sorry for my part in the tragedy. The Lord above forgives the repenting heart. The Lord above feels what we feel, sees what we see, and when we break He breaks.

With my still broken heart, the good Lord heals, but the mending of a broken heart takes time. We feel so deeply sometimes and it takes time to mend, to fix the broken code in the programming. When you feel like you’re crashing make sure you reach towards the Lord. When my day came, when I crashed, I hit Cnt-Alt-Del, and watched as the lights went out.

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified, kept thinkin’ I could never live without you by my side, but then I spent so many nights how you did me wrong, I grew strong, and I learned how to get along.” (I Will Survive)

I will survive. One day my prison will crumble and I will yet again have freedom. When that day comes it will be a sigh of relief. Remember that the true freedom is the freedom over sin, the blood that was paid for, for our sin by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. While we are told we will face our own trials, we will have to take up our own cross, we too our promised our battled and our own scars. The scars will always be there as a reminder of where we came, and what we’ve survived. Embrace the scars because no matter how bad it was, you survived and now have a story to tell.

One day I will tell my story, and while it will have its ups, it’ll have its downs, it’ll have it’s laughs, and it’ll have it’s tears, but it will always have God at the center. The day will come when the morning comes and the chains will burn away and the pain won’t be able to keep you bound anymore. “All I know is I’m not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong.” (Building 429)

My heart shattered that day, the world shook and went dark, the blood was spilt, the tears flooded the ground, but the hand of Jesus was there reaching down towards me and lifted me up. Never stop fighting the fight, never stop healing, and never stop moving forward. The power of the Lord can heal any wound and we need that healing touch.

Lord you made me feel so shiny and new, you picked me up, dusted me off and stood me up. While I may be within my own cage, while I am still watching from behind these chains, I know that one day they will fall away. Faith, it’s what we have, it’s what I have. One day the Son will return and when the day comes, I will be ready to return home.

 

 

The Serenity Prayer

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The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

We in our life often have a hard time with many of our daily trials. I have often found comfort in the Serenity Prayer. First, what does serenity mean? The online definition is “he state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.” Even those who are devout Christians can have a hard time letting go of the stress and worry that come with tough situations. While we all have our day to day struggles, some people deal with ‘stress’ better then others. I’ve had my share of exemplary displays of problem solving, and I’ve had some very atrocious displays. We know that we will face trials, those trials will place us on a path to either teach us something, prepare us for something later on down the line, or alter our path. In some scientific circles there’s a theory that for every possible outcome that could happen, actually does happen. While this may or may not be true, if you are God, and you allow mankind to have free will, then there has to be some aspect of that, that might be true, even if God is the only one that can see every possible outcome. We have the opportunity every instance to make Godly decisions. No matter how far down a path, you can choose a different path. There are always options even if we don’t see all of them. Think about what God sees. He wants us to give us every opportunity to follow Him. He wants us to have a relationship with Him so envision every possibly action you may make, and consider the eyes of God seeing every path all at once. How big God is compared to us. I’ve often thought that God will always attempt to get you back on track by giving you chance after chance to get back on track, but with freedom of choice, multiple outcomes must be available, which means God can see every possible outcome, which means, every possible outcome must exist.

Now that I’ve gotten off on a major tangent, I’ll get back to my original point. I often hear people say I don’t have a choice, or I didn’t have a choice, and me myself have said and gone done that road more often then I would care to admit. One thing I’ve learned, even if I don’t always put it into practice is, just because we can’t see an outcome, or see the many paths in front of us, doesn’t mean they aren’t there. We can never know how every situation will end, and we never know truly what tomorrow will bring. We must learn to live our lives one day, one moment at a time. Be proactive sure, but always try to make your choices based on a Godly path. Surrender your worries, your doubts, and your troubles to the Lord. Ask constantly for guidance and believe that the path will illuminate before you when you are truly seeking a righteous path. The right path won’t always be the path of least resistance, but when we follow the Lord we will be given the compass to follow.

Getting rid of worries, and doubt, stress, and frustrations, isn’t easy. It helps to remind yourself daily of the serenity prayer like using the same muscle over and over again, you will eventually build muscle memory and it will become easier. Don’t live your life under a permanent cloud of misery. Allow yourself to be free from that and find the joy in life no matter what situation you find yourself in. Philippians 4:11 “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.”