Ashes To Ashes: We All Fall Down
For the vast majority of my life, I have been hunting, searching for, and pining for friendships. I grew up without a sibling, and spent a lot of time alone. I wanted nothing more than to have friends. After I moved to the trailer park when I was 5 years old, I found a friend after living there for a little while. It took years before I met other friends. I met the two others within a couple years of one another. I ended up having two groups of friends, Daniel my first, and Joe, and Josh my others. When I moved though, those friendships faded. Over the years the second group not only faded, but became ideologically opposed to me based on faith and politics. I was a Christian, they were not. I tried to keep in touch, but they stopped returning my calls. Though I was treated horribly in middle school, bullied, and eventually faced torture: the peeing on my shoes in stalls, the stealing of my clothes in gym, the theft of my personal property such as a gold necklace, the constant teasing, even so much as being told after my mothers attempted suicide, “even she hated you, she had to try and kill herself to get away from you.” I was in seventh grade when I felt the first major sting of betrayal. My mother told one of my newer friends mother personal things about my early childhood. His mother told him, and in the middle of the lunch line, he told everyone. I was standing two feet from him when he did it. I was mortified at the level of such a casual betrayal and how easy it was to betray his friend. He didn’t want to get picked on himself, so he gave his bullies something juicier, he gave them me. After I left lower Michigan after my emancipation, i moved in with my grandpa. I made some new friends, but over the years they too would largely disappear. My dating life would become difficult also. I would be heartbroken multiple times. One after another would break my heart and leave. It was often because of the way I looked and their lack of attraction to me, or they just felt I was too different. Could I have been feeling too deeply about them? Could I have been holding on too tight that I couldn’t see the warning signs? During my time in the military, while I was good at my job, I was different. I didn’t quite fit in. My personality was odd compared to everyone else. It wasn’t a lack of bravery, or skill, but something else, deeper into my personality. After I left the military, I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my life. Though some of my military friends stayed in touch once I left, I felt incredibly alone, and lost without a direction. Military friends are generally bad at keeping in touch. While there for serious matters, it took my 2016 incident for us to create a group chat to keep in touch. Before I discharged from the military I got married to a beautiful woman. I got married very fast. She had never been with a good guy, and I was her first. We had physical chemistry, but as we spent more and more time together, that wasn’t enough to hold the marriage together. Even though I was married, I was unable to make any lasting friendships. In reality, I made few friendships while living in Europe. Two years in Europe, and within a few months of leaving, the few connections I made vanished like a vapor. Nothing stuck, and while two of them can still be found on my social media, we don’t talk. After a while I moved back to the States. While there, I found myself at odds with who I was. Who am I that I cannot make or sustain any friendships? I would begin to struggle even more to find and make friends. Again, I got married, but that would offer me no help in making friendships, her friends thought I was odd and weird also.
For many years I was in a marriage where my true self was hidden, and suppressed. I was subjugated into suppressing who I was. For 15 years I lived in the same area, and you’d think I would have had plenty of opportunities to make friendships, but sadly opportunity and successfulness don’t always go hand in hand. I wonder what it is about me that’s led me to struggle with friendships? JI have often found myself time and again watching people leave out of my life and never look back. All the while these people have often claimed how important I am to them, how important our friendship is, and how much they care about me. In the end, they walked away, and several without a single word or explanation why they felt the need to leave. While I am considered to be friendly and personable by most, there’s something about me that has led countless people to leave unexpectedly, with no obvious cause. I often care very deeply for the people in my life, and to watch them leave, hurts a great deal. I was recently told that I “chase friendships”. The statement isn’t wrong. I have gone days without hearing from anyone in my contacts. I have gone months sometimes longer without hearing from individuals. When I left my home last year, next to no one reached out to check on me, and many still haven’t. And to head off any nay-sayers, yes communication goes both ways. For a long time I would send 40-70 text messages a day to contacts. Often I would just say hello, how are you, trying to make conversation. More often then not, I wouldn’t get a single response within hours, days, and sometimes never. Eventually when I didn’t hear from anyone, I stopped sending those initial texts. The people that smiled at me, talked to me, even claimed we were friends, nearly over night, stopped talking to me when I wasn’t in the same building any longer. This is simply a problem that sets up the greater question, what is the cause? Is there something about me that people don’t like, or grow to not liking? During those fifteen years I did not make any lasting friendships, even at the job I spent six years. I made limited friendships over the years, and the vast majority have since left, many without a single word as to why. I once viewed this as such: I am the common denominator. It’s me that must be the problem. I felt this way with my failed marriages as well. Perhaps in some ways that’s true, and for a long time I was incredibly harsh with myself. However, I have now come to realize, if someone leaves without a word, that’s more on them, than myself. Just because someone leaves doesn’t mean I did anything wrong. I am reminded of a quote from my childhood hero, Captain Jean-Luke Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise, NCC. 1701-D. He said this, “It is possible to commit no mistakes, and still lose… That is not a weakness, that is life.” (Star Trek: The Next Generation, ‘Peak Performance’) If I examine the loss of friends, it is possible they left, each with their own reason, that doesn’t mean I did anything wrong.
The Arrow Preacher: a pseudonym I created that highlights both sides of myself. On the one side a nerd, a nerd of nerds, a lover of all thing’s superhero, science fiction, to fantasy. I love Star Trek, Star Wars, Marvel, DC, Crime Thrillers like Bones, and Castle. Military Dramas like Seal Team. The Matrix. The other side of me is my faith. I was told recently that I hide behind my faith. While it was said to me in anger, and meant as an insult, the truth is, I have done my best to let my faith be the shield in front of me. For someone to say in anger I hide behind my faith, only strengthens my growth in my walk with God. Years ago, I just started a podcast, a VLOG, and I was attempting to create something new. I wanted to stand apart from the world, I wanted to be different, because I am different. I began doing Christian content in my Green Arrow suit. I was told I shouldn’t do that. Someone I know and trusted encouraged me to stop filming in the suit. Even though I was hurt, and I disagreed with the reasoning, I obliged and stopped filming in the suit. It’s now been almost six years and I haven’t filmed a single video in the suit. A part of me died that day. I was being made to conform to the ordinary. Stifel my unusual individuality. I’m a nerd, a Christian, and I wear things like cloaks, a tunic, and a kilt. I wear Boston Scallys. I collect swords, and Lego, Batman figures, Star Wars items, and Star Trek ships. I take photos in the snow wearing a cloak and brandishing a sword. I have battle ready light sabers around the house, just in case the power ever goes out, or I need a blunt object for intruders, or just for fun. I have come to realize I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I’ve witnessed a lot of people leave my life without a single word as to why. Did they ever actually care about me, because from my point of view, and I’ve asked this many times over, “how could they leave, didn’t they care about me at all?” When I was a child, I was confronted with the same problem from my mother. See… Mom had some personal stuff, and she couldn’t be the mother she should have been. I have come to understand that I have abandonment issues. Even though I have deep rooted childhood trauma, and I fear abandonment, I don’t display the standard “insecure attachment style”. As a kid I experienced abandonment. I experienced being left alone physically, and also years of being alone emotionally. I often said, if mom loved me, she would change. If she loved me, how could she do that? I didn’t understand psychology the way I do today. I hold on tight because I don’t want people to leave, but I am incredibly kind and understanding. I’m often willing to talk about all manner of things, but recently have discovered I rarely stood up for myself. I would allow people to talk down to me. I would allow people to step on me, and get everything they wanted from me. Married twice, I would often find myself hurt by something, and when I would bring it up, I would be the one apologizing for bringing it up. I was not allowed to feel hurt and moreover, I was not allowed to talk about it. People are flawed individuals. I am a flawed individual. What I am is a red blooded, emotion filled, Holy Spirit led Christian conservative. There are a great many people who don’t like that at all.
It’s been a long road for me, and as I continue to deal with those who have recently left my life, I have to come to grips with the fact that I matter. My feelings matter. I have control over my own actions in life. While I am not willing to say I am perfect because scripture clearly tells us we are not, and I know my shortcomings, what I am willing to say is I have often done very little to deserve how I have been treated. I have had a history of allowing people into my life who only used me for my kindness, what I could offer them, or people who were nice, just to be nice. Only a few have held me as more than just a casual friend, and even then, many of those who did see me as a close friend, have also left my life. I have watched as people I love have used me, then discarded me once I no longer offered anything useful to them. This may sound melodramatic, but in reality, emotions aside, these are the facts. After my emancipation, and moving to a new city, having to make new friends, after leaving everything behind, I tried to latch onto people. I tried to make very deep friendships. Over the years I have found very few people that have had the same feelings towards me, then I do them. How do I manage this hurt in my life going forward? Seek Jesus, and know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.
John 14:1-4 14 “Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. 3 If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. 4 And you know the way where I am going.”
My heart has been greatly troubled. Broken, shattered, and the only way to heel is to seek and find biblical counsel. Find answers in scripture. Seek what God’s word says on the matter.
John 14:18 18 “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”
Jesus comforted his future Apostles. The terminology of being called and described as orphans enters into my very soul. While I am not an orphan, I know what it’s like to be left alone. In one sense I have a small taste of what it’s like to be an orphan. My Lord Jesus giving His disciples comfort, comforts me 2000 plus years later. I have been told I chase friendships, and in reality, what I need to be chasing is Christ. If people will continue to fail me, what I need is to appreciate those in my life, even if they are few, who stay. I need to focus on my family, and most importantly I need to focus on my relationship with the Lord. This doesn’t remove the hurt in my heart that exists, but it does send me back to scripture. I must also remember that when Jesus was headed to the cross, after being betrayed by Judas, leaving 11 of the Apostles, 10 of the 11 would run, hide, flee from those who put Jesus in binds. John was the only one at the foot of the cross watching his Lord be crucified for our sins. That being said however, when Jesus returns, he shows love, kindness, and most importantly forgiveness towards his Apostles, most notably Peter, who didn’t just run, but denied knowing Jesus. Jesus shows us the model of what we should be, and who we should be.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I am crushed in spirit. I am brokenhearted. Losing someone recently, who was very close to me, and very influential in my life, has left me with a deep cut, a wound that has rattled me. While my foundation is solid in the Lord, I am 100 percent certain, because I have grown so close to the Lord I am better at withstanding the hurt and pain I feel. I am not sure how this will affect my life going forward, but in life we are creatures of the now. We cannot live in the past. We cannot know the future. All we can do is make one decision after another. We can only decide how to handle and manage each second of our lives. In those actions, we understand cause and effect. Our choices have consequences, and we must face those consequences both good and bad. We must do all these things to the Glory of God. We must make our choices based on what brings our Heavenly Father a smile upon his face. We are not saved by our works, but our works when done in the name of the Lord acquire treasure in heaven. That treasure is not for us, but for us to present to Jesus, our Lord and Savior. We all get hurt by people. What I need to ask myself, is if I’m going to allow someone so much influence over my life, that I give up who I am to please them, and try to get them to like me by hiding or changing who I am to get them to like me? Or, will I be myself? If someone likes me for who I am they will choose to want me in their life. I have to believe it is better to be myself, then to constantly try to please others by sacrificing myself to do it. I allowed the Arrow Preacher to die. I allowed my spirit to be crushed, and I allowed the happiness and joy I once had to bring both fun and education of Jesus to the world, to be suppressed to please others. Will I continue to hold back who I am, or will I rise above, rising like the phoenix from the ashes that was once my old self burned and buried?
We should never allow anyone so much power over us to tell us who we are, or who we should be, sometimes people telling us who we aren’t. Does this mean we can live in sin? No, not at all. If we are living in sin, we should accept the words of those who only want to help save our souls that scripture supports. But if our ways, our methods are just different than the normal, we should follow the Spirit. People have expectations and sometimes think, we must conform to what is regular or normal. That even if someone’s personality is not regular or normal, they must somehow contort their being to fit what is commonly accepted as ordinary. I have been passed over for positions, I have had friends leave me, I have had loved one’s stifle who I was underneath, all because I was different, and through it all, I allowed it. I retreated into the darkness whimpering, too afraid to fight. I can have all the feelings in the world, but truthfully, if I allow someone to tell me who I have to be, I am denying the person God made me to be. I must remember and face one of the deepest truths of my current time, God made me who I am. He formed me in my mother’s womb. God saved me from death multiple times over the last 10 years, and in that, I have grown into a position where I am the most free I’ve ever been. Today I must continue to learn and grow to be who I feel the most comfortable being. Now, I have a choice in my life, what do I do with it? Batman once said, “It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.” Am I willing to stand out on that ledge and let my actions define me? Or am I going to hide the true me deep inside, and one day be forced to answer to God why I buried my talents deep into the ground. The Arrow Preacher, the man I became cannot hide any longer. “The Arrow Preacher, after 9 years battling in this life, I have returned with only one goal, to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. To do this, I have been made into someone else, I became something else. I am the Arrow Preacher.” “The Arrow’s long-lasting symbolism in human society is so powerful, so beautiful, I cannot overlook something so important, so beautiful in my own life. “The arrow on a compass pointed north, symbolizing the direction of God, we must always keep our arrow in line, and we must always remember which way to go. Draw back your bow, take aim, and as you fly towards your next chapter in life, remember to let God be the one to set your glide path.”
(The Arrow Preacher: Alsahm السهم -(The Arrow), https://thearrowpreacher.com/2017/08/13/alsahm-السهم-the-arrow/)
Continue to grow in the Lord. Continue to find peace with who you are. We cannot ever be comfortable living in sin, but being different, being a little strange or weird is not something to be ashamed of. Yes, I wear cloaks in public. Yes, I dress funny, or sometimes use movie quotes in normal conversation, or have an odd office space, full of collectables, and art of my favorite characters in fiction. All of my time being forced to ‘grow up’, having my childhood taken from me, and having very little has left me embracing the desire to do now, what I never could before, collect. In my youth I was forced to skip over important years of my life enjoying being a kid, through it all however, I never became bitter, angry, or hostile towards anyone. I kept my childhood ‘self’ alive, and I never allowed the world to kill him completely, even if that kid was buried deep down. Yes, for a time that little boy was suppressed and hidden, but after I met the right woman, and after I moved onto the path of serving the Lord daily, that person, started coming back. The Lord uses tragedy in our lives to push us. The Lord uses hurtful things to continue to forge us into something else. “We must learn to be more like the Sword of Griffandor. Be strong, be forged in the sanctification of our Lord Jesus Christ. Allow Him to shape our hearts, and our lives to look like Him. We cannot be forged like this though if we hold onto everything of the past.” (The Arrow Preacher, The Forging Of My Soul. https://thearrowpreacher.com/2025/04/10/the-forging-of-my-soul/) Like the Sword of Griffandor we must only take in that which makes us better. We must face this world daily and not give in to the Devils desire to break you, or to separate you from God. The Devil desires you to abandon your quest, the path the Lord has set you on, and in many cases, getting a believer to turn their backs on God altogether. “We must learn to Love all, to remember not to allow ourselves to be burned by the fire, instead allow it to burn away anything and everything that isn’t used to live a Godly life. While fire can burn away a life, it can create wonderful pieces of art. A sword for instance is a beautiful creation, a hand-crafted piece of steal that is forged in fire. A sword can break under great pressure, or can withstand the persistent blows it may endure to be used in protecting ones self.” (The Arrow Preacher, Forging Steel. https://thearrowpreacher.com/2017/08/11/forging-steel/)
While I was serving as a chaperone to the youth in my church, there were three young ladies who were quite obviously different. You could see their nature in the clothing they wore. Every week they wore clothes that were not of the normal. Sometimes it was old fashioned colonial style clothes, or even a hint of gothic mid-evil style. Sometimes it was a hint of steampunk, but no matter what it was, it was not clothes from Walmart. They wore these clothes every week, and didn’t care what anyone thought of them. They wore them because it was who they were. They weren’t trying to wear them for attention, perhaps quite the opposite. They wore them because they liked them. I admired those young ladies, and it often led me to wear what I liked as well, even though what I wore was very different. All this to be said, my journey is far from over. My path is one of continued service to my Lord Jesus. I will no longer answer to anyone else about how I choose to serve my Lord. I don’t care about the views or attention, but I will do everything I can to reach the unreached. I will continue my journey to reach the nerds, to reach the cosplayers, to reach veterans. I will allow the old me to return, so I can put on my true face. I no longer want to hide who I am. I don’t want to live that lie anymore. Who I am is not a sin, I’m just different. So, ashes to ashes, we all fall down, but I will rise again, a phoenix from the fire, different than what I was before, stronger, and more confident. Back to the path, back to the mission I was set on so many years ago. Today, I am still meeting new people, and some of them while new, haven’t run for the hills as I’m more open about who I am. Today, I know who I am. I am a child of God, I am created and loved by God, I am a soldier for Christ. We must be pulled back, before we can be let lose to fly, be an arrow for Christ, fly, fly towards the target the Lord has given you. Never quit, never surrender. Go in peace, go in love, go in courage, go with the strength of God behind you.
“Live Long and Prosper”
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