Tag: anxiety

The Week My Heart Stopped

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The Week My Heart Stopped

First of, I’m a 40 year old male, with no history of heart problems. My story is one that highlights the power and sovereignty of God. I suppose to understand, one must venture to the beginning, as to fully grasp the situation. The details are an important part of the story. June 19th was the last day of VBS (Vacation Bible School) at church. One of the youth, and a kid I’ve known for many years approached me with a challenge, a foot race. Having a bad knee, and knowing I’m not supposed to run, it’s odd that I accepted his challenge to begin with. A few months prior I had found out I had a hernia on the right side of my groin. One more reason to say no, but I didn’t. Against what would have been better judgement, I said okay. The foot race commenced and I won. A victory over someone, someone so young, was short lived as the next day I was in the hospital. That hernia decided to bulge, leaving me unable to walk. When the doc came in to ‘fix’ it, I was grateful. The conversation ended with me going along with what turned out to be double ingroinal hernia surgery. Not one but two hernias. This would not take place till October however, so I had the rest of the summer to enjoy.

The hernia surgery came on the 28th of October. It was a quick surgery and a success. That is, till a single day later when the gas from the surgery migrated up to my right shoulder, causing significant pain. During the CT scan, something odd was seen, not of the gas but with my heart. My Aorta was not the right size. I was sitting in my room waiting for the doctors and when one came in, it would quickly become a whole ordeal. Several more doctors from different departments would grace my bedside. A plan was being formulated for priority open heart surgery. How did I go from hernia surgery to open heart surgery in a day? It turned out, that my aorta root was a bit larger than it should. Surgery threshold is 5.5 cm, but my root measured around 6.3. As it turned out, I had what is known as a ‘Bicuspid’ valve. When someone has this defect, their muscles, and ligaments can sometimes be super stretchy. Could this be the problem with my neck and my knee? Perhaps. Surgery would be set for Nov 22nd. Just less than a month later after hernia surgery. The amount of scans and tests I had to do in the meantime kept me very busy. Unfortunately I was not able to prepare everything for the heart surgery as I had attempted to do for the hernia surgery. Being the man of the house meant I did the heavy lifting. Planning for two months was not only expensive, but took a great deal of thought. Going into hernia surgery I felt prepared to be limited for a while. Going into heart surgery left me feeling wholly unprepared.

The 22nd came, and my nervousness showed in all my blood pressure tests. The morning was early, and I had once again found myself in surgery safety prep on the fourth floor of the VA hospital in Durham NC. Some familiar faces graced my bedside as I was shaved from my shoulders to my feet. I had already had to shave my beared the night before which was difficult, and I shaved my head as well, completely changing the way I looked just 24 hours prior. Long thin hair, and a long beard, now gone. Surgery prep seemed to go pretty quick this time. Before I knew it, most of my team was at my bedside for one final walkthrough of my case. The heart model I took for them to sign was signed, my last will and testament was submitted, and i was as ready as I could be.

Four hours was all the time the doc needed to replace my aorta root, the valve, and stem. A rock star of the aorta valve replacement world. A surgery that would normally take 8 hours he did in 4. That night they would start to wake me up, and I remember still having the ventilator tube down my throat. At first I was okay, but the longer they took to remove it, while I was awake, the more I began to panic. My mind said get it out, even though it was doing the breathing for me, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. The tube was removed, and my memory foggy. I remember family being at my bedside, and a friend. The meds I was on, quickly put me back to sleep, till I was awoken the next morning to walk. Having multiple chest tubes, and an external temporary pacemaker, It took everything I had to get out of bed. I gripped my heart pillow with all the minuscule strength I had. Finally they got me up, I walked, and then I was back to the chair. In reality, I don’t remember much except being silly with my friend who was there, and my supportive bride. The medication they had me on was pretty strong and kept me in a fairly high state. By Tuesday, it seemed there might be something wrong. My heart wasn’t responding to being woken up. Test after test showed my heart was not responding and not functioning on it’s own without the pacemaker. Wednesday came, and the test was a 12 lead EKG, while they turned off the pacemaker. Essentially, they needed to see what was wrong, and what my heart was doing.

Wednesday, five days after heart surgery. The room was cleared so no one would see what happened, at my request. The leads were attached, and the nurse held my hand. The EKG started. Then, the countdown began, 3…2…1… and the pacemaker was turned off. My eyes couldn’t stay open, as I lost consciousness. My heart stopped. The test only kept the pacer off for 3 seconds, but for those 3 seconds, my heart stopped, and I was aware of it. I could feel the lightheadedness, the lack of oxygen flowing through my body. I could feel my body giving up the fight to stay awake. Within moments, I regained semi consciousness, and a few moments later it was better, but tears flowed down my face. How could life had come to this? By Friday I was scheduled to have a pacemaker installed. I am only 40 years old, and I have an artificial heart valve, and a device keeping my heart pumping. How could life have come to this? The answer is simple really, and can be found in scripture.

As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

— John 9:1-3

This wasn’t something God was doing to me, but something God saved me from. After a talk with one of my surgeons, I would find that the valve could have failed at any time. The valve description used was ‘gnarly’. So, in reality, both the valve, and the root were ticking time bombs. The root could have dissected, split open at any time. My plans were to be in the Philippines for Christmas this year. Instead I found myself having this surgery. God, has been in the details all year. From the original finding of the hernia, to the foot race, forcing my hand for surgery, to the gas going into the chest, which was fairly uncommon, to the incidental finding of my aorta on a scan not looking specifically at my heart. These things are too many coincidences to be considered coincidences. If the universe were truly chaos and random, then the odds of this many events culminating in life saving surgery, would be unlikely. But, that’s not how an Almighty God works. God saved my life, again. While my recovery has been difficult, and having the pacemaker adds extra challenges, the truth is, I was given the gift of life for Christmas.

This revelation of God’s sovereignty and grace, does not take away the hardships of heart surgery. It doesn’t take away the emotions left behind in it’s wake. When your body feels foreign, and broken, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Yes, I am bored at home, and walking is a challenge because there is no place good to walk inside. Being too cold outside, has made recovery a challenge. Having to put my car in the shop the day after being released from the hospital, and having a $3000 dollar car repair, right before Christmas, has left me feeling a bit down. The Devil has thrown much at me since my time home from the hospital. It isn’t just the body that needs to heal after this kind of surgery, but the mind as well. I have found myself struggling needing help with everything I do. I have felt like a burden, a waist of time, weak. I have felt sorry for myself a time or too also. The struggle to do what is necessary for the recovery of mind and body is not one easily found where I live. I live too far from the local mall to walk. We have no recreation centers with indoor tracks. We have no large stores other than a small Walmart and a Lowe’s which neither sound appealing to walk. I have some ideas I may implement soon, money though is the question. I know the Lord provides all we need, I question if something is a need or a want.

I am slowly recovering physically, but I do believe the recovery is still a long ways away. God being in the details gives me hope that there is a reason for His saving my life yet again. The time bomb in my chest was diffused, and I now have time to do whatever the Lord wishes. Both the valve and the root could have given way at any moment, but God stopped me from going across the world, to have this surgery, and I know there has to be a reason. I don’t know why God gave me this pace maker, but this too is part of the Lords plan. I have said before, ‘all we can do with the time given to us is choose how we reply to each moment of our lives.’ We don’t have a say in what happens to us much of the time. We can’t change what people say or do in our lives, except try to live as Godly as possible. Living for Christ, and making decisions based on what we think would be pleasing to Him is truly all we can do.

It astounds me to think just a few weeks ago my entire chest was cracked open, exposed to the world. My heart was in the hands of a stranger. The gift of life this Christmas came at the hands of God. God didn’t have to give us warning something was wrong. God could have just taken me home. For whatever reason, God saw fit to save my earthly life, and here I am fighting the good fight for the Lord of Lords still. God works in mysterious ways for sure, and while I do not know why it is God has seen fit to save my life, yet again, I will continue to serve the best I can. Sometimes it’s hard to raise a hallelujah. Sometimes it’s all we can do do get out those words to praise a Holy God. Sometimes the world has done a number on us, and we’re down on our knees for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the voice of God through the noise of the world. Sometimes it’s a storm tossed ship, wrecked and ravaged by the nature of this world. It’s in these moments, that we must raise the hallelujah. It’s these times we must praise God even more, and turn to Him for guidance and peace. Sometimes it’s a hard fought hallelujah, but in the battle we know it doesn’t belong to us. We know that Jesus already won the battle. The mighty victory cry he cried on the cross, ‘tetelestai’, or it is finished. This single word is more than just it is finished, but rather, the contract is complete, the battle is completely won, the bill is completely paid for. This was used in business, the debt is fully paid, judgment in court, sentence fully served, and the battle is fully won. How great is it to know that Jesus won our battles. The battle today is not of my own, or your own. We bare the cross yes, but Jesus already won the battle. The story we are in is already complete and will one day end. We see the battle, but Jesus sees our victory. When we see the deep valley, Jesus sees the triumph at the end of the road. We must take our troubles, and sorrows to the one who can do something about it, our Lord, our Savior, Jesus the Christ. We fight not against flesh and blood but in the spiritual realm of our souls. The Devil may break our bodies, he may attack our stuff, but what remains behind is our souls. Prayer is often underutilized. We often forget we have the ability to talk directly to the sovereign of the universe. We will suffer in this world, this was promised. Being a Christian, being a member of ‘the way’ is not one for the faint of heart. Jesus told us in scripture, it would take everything we have. Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.” To pick up your cross meant to die to yourself. To do so publicly as the world would see you carry your cross. It meant to be ostracized by society. It meant to kill away your sins inside yourself daily. To give up your own pride, and your own selfish ambitions, to give your life to the Lord, and to do so publicly, unafraid. We are told the path to the Father is a narrow one, and many would rather chose or walk the wide path of destruction.

Life is going to be full of hardships, and despite those hardships, Jesus won our battle. Jesus fought the fight, and won. He defeated sin, and we have eternal hope. People want to talk about love is love, but true love is telling someone the truth. Jesus said he didn’t come to unite, but to divide us. The truth is, 2000 years ago, the Devil lost his fight when Christ became victorious over death. We have not seen the last of the war, but we know that Christ wins the war. People often think of Jesus as sweet baby Jesus, or hippy Jesus. The truth is, when Christ comes back, it will not be for earthly peace. When Jesus returns, it’ll be to bring righteous war upon the world that has rejected Him, in His perfect judgment for the sins of the world. We do not know the time of His return, but we are called to be ready for it. Jesus will return, sword in hand, and with the legions of Angels He commands, will fight to destroy the remaining evil in the world. The bowl judgments will pour out upon humanity, the trumpets will sound, and eventually God will reverse creation, wiping out all what we know, and He will rebuild. Jesus, the Lion of Judah, is not a hippy love is love Jesus. Jesus said, if you love me you will follow my commandments, so we are to love God’s commandments, and not just the ones we like. Is this life hard? It sure is, but we have a God who understands. We have a God that put on flesh to understand our sufferings. Count it all joy my brethren when you endure trials. Swords must be tempered in fire. Gold purified in the fiery furnace. Steel for everything we use is forged. Why would we be any different? Jesus told us the truth, that this life is hard. He loved us enough to show us the truth in His sacrifice. It would be easy if Jesus said, ‘you’re life would be a piece of cake’. That however wouldn’t be the truth. Some so called pastors say this, but it’s a lie from the Devil. We are soldiers, so let us soldier up, and get back into the fight. When the Devil starts shooting those arrows at you, cover behind the shield God gave you. Then when the time is right, spring forward, sword raised high, and push forward. We are soldiers on the battlefield, and it’s full of death, destruction, hardships, but we have the might of God, and the Angels on our side. Keep fighting, because inside you is a roaring lion. The spirit of God, the spirit of courage, bravery, and a spirit of hope, we are soldiers in this life. Fight on, and never quit. The truth of God is all around us, we just have to look around. We see His truth in the complexity of the plants, animals, our own bodies, the universe. We will emerge victorious, because Jesus is victorious.

God saved my life, and I know that I’ve been saved by the blood. I’ve been given life, and I will not let the Devil win. I will not let the demons whispering in my ear to quit, win. I will not stop preaching and teaching His mighty word. I will crawl if I have to, but I’ll keep going. My life is in God’s hands, and I was a soldier in this earthly life, I am a soldier for God, and my family I will keep my Armor tight, and show them, not my strength, but the strength God has given to me. I am saved, born again, washed by the water. Hallelujah to my Lord, this is a long hard fought Hallelujah. Let God have the Glory in my life. Why am I going through these hardships? So God would be glorified through it. Let us turn to God and show him the praise and worship, only He deserves. One day I will be recalled from this duty station. One day, the Lord will say my watch is over. One day Jesus will tell me, well done soldier, now rest. One day I will take up residence where I truly belong. One day, I will see what I’ve been fighting for this whole time. I long for that day, but for now, I will serve God faithfully here. I will fight for my family. I will be the spiritual head of my home. I will fight back against the Devil, I will resist with all my might, and protect my family. My service isn’t over yet, and God saving my life, not once, not twice, but three times or more, tells me He still has plans for me. Into the battle, He’s prepared my fingers for war. Let us pick up the shield, the sword, and let us go do some work. Fight the good fight soldiers of Christ, your not done yet.

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This Old Elf

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This Old Elf

Four decades, or forty years. Time slips by in what seems like an instant, but as anyone can see just by looking around them, time is better for some people than others. If I was not a faithful, God-fearing man, I would say time hated me. As one friend put it, ‘if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.’ Time has been hard on me all these years. I have spent much time recently looking back and reviewing my four long decades on this earth. The passage of time is a strange thing, since sometimes it goes slow, and others we seem to miss it in the blink of an eye. But in reality, time moves the same speed today, as it did in the 80’s, 90’s and even the time just after Adam and Eve were banished from Eden. If I was a betting man, I would say, what I’m feeling is fairly common for a newly turned 40-year-old. I’m not sure if most people do this, but in the recent days I’ve been reflecting over my life.

I don’t believe anyone would say I’ve had an easy life. I have been blessed, and am currently blessed, but that does not mean life is without issues. There is certainly something to be said about a family member battling dementia, and the family left to help navigate the stormy waters. Some days are decent, while others are not. When the relationship is already tumultuous, turbulent, it makes that navigation like a first year Lieutenant on a land nav course. 

Are we ever where we thought we ‘d be? Generally, the answer to this question is no. I’d say the vast majority of people’s lives are so far off the track from what they originally attempted to navigate. This doesn’t mean life is all difficult, but I do think reflection can be both helpful and hurtful depending on the circumstances. Reflection is important so we can take a long hard look and perhaps gain some perspective. However, if we stair to long, we may get lost in the despair of rejection, heartache, and disappointment, that may come from looking back. I have a few big moments in my life I have considered what would have happened if I had just made a different choice. Some say our choices define us, and while that’s true, sometimes it feels they often condemn us. The last thing I want in my life is to forever be stuck. I look at my current situation and it’s hard not to feel stuck. It’s no secret that I live in a tent behind my mother’s house. Having needing a place to live after my back injury, my house was packed into boxes and while in need of a place to store it, mothers house was that place. What was meant to be a short stay, has now turned into seven years. In need of some privacy the tent was placed near the house to have power, a larger bed than a twin, a small place to put a desk to work, and some privacy. But it was in no way expected to be a long-term solution. Three years later. Now, when one looks at the current mortgage rates, I cannot pay half or more than half of my income to a house payment. A disabled veteran is hard pressed to own a home on their income alone. Am I a failure? At 40 years old, living in the back yard of their aging parent whose battling dementia, a house badly designed and laid out, making living very difficult, and stressful, and frustrating, I feel as if I have failed. It is my responsibility to take care of and provide for my family, and while yes, there is a roof over our heads, and food on the table, I am able to provide the bare minimum. Am I being too hard on myself? Perhaps.

I pray that in my current state in my life, that this is not a representation of me: 

Proverbs 13:4

4 The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing,

    while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.

Things aren’t always easy, and life hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would. The struggles I’ve faced are not easy, but nowhere near the worst they could be. Even with the recent and long-term struggles, I have to find my situation blessed. While I struggle every day with a slew of chronic issues, I know my situation could be worse. I have acknowledged at my current place; I am in no way of fixing or changing anything. It is for this reason, I know that all I can do is pray about where I am, and know that God is in control. Some have called this kind of acknowledgement the serenity prayer. While yes, I am aware of it, I will say, knowing and understanding, does not make the day-to-day choices any easier. 

As I turned forty, I’m not sure what I expected from the day, but I wish I could say it went well. Sadly, the day started off rough, and periodically went downhill. I found myself battling my own disappointments, strong negative emotions, and by the end of the night being hurt and disappointed by the words of others. A day that should have been happy and a celebration, did not turn out that way. I often wonder if people consider the amount of pressure a man has on his shoulders. I wonder if people truly consider how difficult it is for a man to have the weight and responsibility of his family’s spiritual walk, the financial responsibilities for the family, the maintenance and heavy lifting for the family. After all that, you add the man’s hopes and dreams, and know that he will often put those aside for the health, and welfare of his loved ones, he walks alone, silent in his struggle. 

But God, hears his cries. While he does not speak allowed his hurt, God knows and hears the cries coming from his broken heart. Turning 40 isn’t the end of the road, it’s merely the middle. One could say it’s the beginning, since every start around the sun is a new starting point. Every day waking up is a fresh start, as the sun rises over a blank canvas, we have the ability to let God paint us a new portrait. Today isn’t the end, and while it did not go as I hoped, and at the end of the day I am hurt, and disappointed, God knows and if it be His will, He will work it out. I started off the day whimsical and excited. As I end the day, I do so in silence, alone by candle light. How I wish I could boldly go on a starship and explore strange new worlds, and seek out new life. I find myself longing for life among the stars where the motivation of human society is no longer the accumulation of wealth but rather the betterment of all mankind. Where hunger, and homelessness is no longer a thing, and people have their needs and wants met, while exploring and growing humanity. Even being lost in the Delta Quadrant on Voyager doesn’t seem so bad. Perhaps one day. For now, look to one another and show kindness, respect, and above all, show love. We are to love our neighbor as God has loved us. Are we loving, and caring, sharing the truth of the Gospel? Hardships come and all we can do is trust in God, let go, and in all we do, all we say, do so to the Glory of the one who created it all, do so to bring a smile upon God’s face. Let’s release our selfishness and ask how we can serve others, and find joy in bringing happiness and love to a world around us that desperately needs it. 

Live Long and Prosper my friends. Go in Love. 

Chronic

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Chronic

Chronic pain is something that afflicts so many people. What is chronic pain? As defined by the Clevland Clinic “Chronic pain is pain that lasts for over three months. The pain can be there all the time, or it may come and go. It can happen anywhere in your body. Chronic pain can interfere with your daily activities, such as working, having a social life and taking care of yourself or others. It can lead to depression, anxiety and trouble sleeping, which can make your pain worse. This response creates a cycle that’s difficult to break.” (professional, C. C. medical. (n.d.). Chronic pain: What is it, causes, symptoms & treatment. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/4798-chronic-pain) Chronic pain is something according to the CDC “During 2021, an estimated 20.9% of U.S. adults (51.6 million persons) experienced chronic pain, and 6.9% (17.1 million persons) experienced high-impact chronic pain (i.e., chronic pain that results in substantial restriction to daily activities)” So what does this mean? What if you’re a veteran? According to the VA “1 in 5 Veterans report persistent pain • ~1 in 10 Veterans report severe persistent pain • ~1 in 3 Veterans have been diagnosed with a condition related to chronic pain” I’m a 40-year-old male combat veteran. I spent over a decade working in the security industry which is difficult on the body. I have a neck injury that now leaves me with severe chronic pain, and as it degrades, the pain worsens and makes life far more difficult. What does it say? It can lead to depression, anxiety, and trouble sleeping? On top of the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) the depression is very real. I’m used to feeling pain before I go to bed, and the pain medication I have is vital to take before I go to bed. The hard part, is when I wake up in the morning with pain, and there’s a need to start my day with medication. Sadly, some days are worse when the pain is more severe from the moment I wake. There are days when the act of getting out of bed is extremely challenging. There are days when all I want to do is cry because the struggle to do anything is so strong. 

As I am nearing 40 years old in just a few days, I find myself struggling with recent diagnosis of my neck, and knowing there is nothing I can do to take the pain away, it’s disheartening. The surgery that was planned was canceled due to a counsel of surgeons deciding the original plan would fail, and a much more severe and extensive surgery would be needed. However, regardless of the necessity, my age prevents the desire to do the surgery now. While the meds do help a little, the medication has a negative side. What happens when you are on a narcotic medication for years? The biggest issue is when the medication creates a tolerance and becomes less effective. The physical pain is bad, but it’s nothing compared to the emotional toll it takes. The inability to do daily activities because of pain makes simple and basic tasks like housework, and yardwork nearly impossible some days. When you don’t want to do activities with your significant other, or friends, it makes you feel bad, and for me, ashamed. At the age of 40 and looking at a major neck fusion surgery, that will remove 100% of my mobility, I have not been sure of my place in this world. 

Because of my chronic issues, I had to retire early, but have not received social security. Not receiving social security has affected my income. As a disabled veteran I do get veterans benefits, but it is certainly not enough to take care of a family financially. As a man, and head of the household, I feel shame for not feeling like I am doing a good job providing for my family. How does a man determine value? 

I’m not trying to drum up sympathy, on the contrary, I want to spread awareness. I by no means have everything figured out on how to manage severe chronic pain. I have attended VA chronic pain management groups and therapies. I have attended recreational therapies, and while most of it has not taken away the pain, but, some of the techniques on how to manage have proven slightly affective. What does help with chronic pain? A strong faith foundation. 

Psalm 13:5-6

“5 But I have trusted in Your mercy;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

6 I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

We may never know why there is so much suffering, except for knowing we live in a broken, fallen, sinful world. Suffering started the day Eve ate of the fruit, and Adam and Eve were exiled out of the garden. God told them they would face hardships, they would have to work hard, childbirth would be painful, and by the sweat of Adam’s brow he would till the earth. When we look at suffering in scripture, the book of Job is the height of this. After Job confronts God, and God replies in the most amazing and eloquent way, Job sees the truth. 

Job 42:1-6

Then Job answered the Lord and said:

2 “I know that You can do everything,

And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.

3 You asked, ‘Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?’

Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,

Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

4 Listen, please, and let me speak;

You said, ‘I will question you, and you shall answer Me.’

5 “I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear,

But now my eye sees You.

6 Therefore I abhor myself,

And repent in dust and ashes.”

Pain builds endurance. If we are faithful, our suffering should draw us near to God. This life is hard, and in it we will face an abundance of challenges. We will face hardships, and hurt. I do not necessarily believe when James talked of “whenever you face trials of many kinds,” he was referring to chronic pain. While I’m not sure he was referring to this particular trial, I will say, the lesson remains true. “3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4) Facing these hardships is not easy, and I find myself having difficulty in navigating life recently. I struggle with the day-to-day routine, as I am always in pain. I do not know why God has seen fit for me to go through this, but I know he has a reason. I have come to understand, we do not need to know the why, just know and understand God is sovereign, and no matter where we find ourselves, we need to know and believe God has a purpose. Assuming we did not put ourselves in the negative situation. I have often looked back and wondered if there was something I could have done differently to change things today. Should I have fought the VA for treatment and care for my neck from the beginning, instead of rolling over and taking the denial of responsibility. I didn’t fight for myself, and knowing there was a problem with my neck when I got out of the Army, my lack of treatment led to where I am today. It’s hard not to be angry about it, but knowing that anger won’t change anything, I have worked on letting it go. 

This life is short compared to eternity. For some people this life is full of more hardships, and letdowns, and heartache then others. Some people even Christians have an easier go of it than others. While everyone struggles, that struggle needs to build your endurance and faithfulness towards Jesus the Christ. We will never understand God’s plan this side of Glory. We will never see the fullness of the picture in which God sees. We will also never know the things God saved us from in this life. The ten second delay leaving the house saved us from a large car pileup. A delay in surgery kept us from dying on the table from a massive stroke. Paul says in scripture he prayed for God to remove a thorn in his side. We do not know what this was. Was it a physical ailment, this could very well be true from all the beatings, stoning, shipwreck, etc. Paul experienced. Without proper medical care, Paul may have developed significant physical pains. Was this a person or problem nonphysical, this too is a possibility. We don’t know. What we do know is Paul prayed, and God’s answer was no. He did not take it from him. 

2 Corinthians 12:7 “7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.”

While this could be a physical ailment, it could also be a person. We do not know, but no matter what it is, the takeaway is the same. Paul’s prayer went unanswered, and he was told that God’s grace is sufficient. 

Isaiah 48:10

Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;

I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

Do we believe in our heart of hearts, that God’s grace is sufficient, no matter what our affliction is? Do we trust that God’s plan is perfect and he is sovereign? I am in no way saying dealing with these things is easy, obviously it was not easy for Paul since he pleaded with God three times. We are being forged into something more, and that process is violent. In order to be forged into something battle worthy, something strong enough to endure the test of combat, we must undergo the extreme heat, and the pounding of steel on steel, to mold us into a weapon. God’s grace is sufficient, but he never leaves us defenseless. He has given to us His Armor, the Armor of God, made up on his attributes, we clothe ourselves with. We are given the sword, the shield, the breastplate, the helmet, the sandals, and the buckler. We do not battle alone, for God is with us. We face the challenges of this world, and no matter what we face, how we respond to it matters. How we respond to stimuli matters. We are to respond in all ways as God responds. We are to respond in a way that when we are judged by God, we are told ‘well done my good and faithful servant.’ The last thing any believer wants is to let down God the Almighty creator of Heaven and Earth, and everything in it. 

No one wants to be in pain every day. No one wants to have cancer, or experience loss. No one wants to feel like an outsider and feel like they are not welcomed. It’s hard when you feel these things. Growing up I was often an outsider wherever I found myself. My personality was always a bit different. My opinions of life were different, set apart. Today is no different. In recent months I have felt like an outsider, even unwelcomed in places I never thought I would feel I didn’t belong. Few people in my life know what it’s like to have this level of pain on a daily basis. Few people understand how bad it feels not to be well enough to work to bring home enough money to take care of your family. I say this in all sincerity, ‘show me all your scars, and I’ll show you the cross.’ Show you the Cross: Matty Mullins. Years ago, I found myself in the worst storm of my life, and I felt like I was on the worst sea, inflicted by a hurricane, and all my sails were broken. It was when I thought all hope was lost, Jesus showed up. Jesus was there with me, guiding me through the storm. Jesus showed me the light, and while it didn’t happen overnight, I found my peace in Jesus. I was in a war, and Jesus reminded me, he already won the battle. Jesus reminded me I was his, and nothing Satan could do would pluck me from his hands. Today, I feel like my wheels are spinning and I’m stuck in quicksand. I feel powerless to change anything in my life, and the hard truth is, maybe I’m not supposed too. Jesus is in control, and the hardest thing we can do when nothing is going right, let go, and let God. 

The Truth

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The Truth

Being a Christian doesn’t mean I have it together all the time. It doesn’t mean someone is ok all the time. It doesn’t mean you’re never depressed. It doesn’t mean you can’t have other mental illnesses like bipolar or anxiety disorder. It means we realize we cannot possibly make it through this journey alone. We rely on our Lord and Savior to help us through and that we are nothing without Jesus Christ with us.

I am woefully insecure. My mind seeks human approval and acceptance. My mind is wrought with loneliness and self doubt. My insecurities make me question much about myself. I’ll give some examples.

“Hey how are you?”(message seen) two days later still no reply…

(Brain: what did I do? Are they upset with me? They don’t like talking to me. Am I not important to them?)

If I go too long without hearing from someone I question if I matter to that person. Do I cross their mind? Why don’t they say hello. Why don’t they ever check on me? Ultimately years of abandonment have culminated into a fear of such things, along with a deep seated question of self value and a desire for friendships that won’t scatter when the light reveals my imperfections.

As years pass by it seems I have become more and more isolated, not by choice, but by world events. My recent bout with Covid, left me seeking and searching both inside myself and outside for answers. While some people came to my aid, others whom I expected to be there weren’t. It produces a mix of feelings associated with my personal value. Of course the caveat to all of this is both simple and immensely complex. I am a child of God, a follower of Jesus Christ, and God don’t make trash. I have value because I am loved by God. On the flip side, feeling as I do are feelings of the world. The feeling and desire of wanting human contact is powerful. My soul and mind are at odds with one another and with a history of depression, a fierce battle.

The desires that comes and goes to reach out to people, is one that often seems to get me into trouble. It seems the thought of checking on loved ones and friends regularly, even if it’s just to show I care, is often met with feelings of anxiety, and messages left unanswered. Of course, in this age of digital communication, it’s too easy to ignore, and simply vanish in an event now called ghosting, is far too common in my life. Ghosting happens regularly in my life. And on top of that, those whom I had been friends with for years, have up and vanished, leaving me to hold on tight to those relationships I value most. Sometimes creating a catch 22. The desire to keep people close often has the adverse effect of pushing them away. Finding balance has not been my forte’.

Living with this kind of fear of loss is not easy, but there is hope out there to find. When I’m at my lowest, I remember my eternal Father. I remember that Jesus died for me, and that’s something I can’t ever let go of. In order to manage lows, anyone, anytime has to be proactive. In order for me to manage my way through the dark times, I have to create a mix of time with God but also time with people. It’s hard going sometimes, but knowing there’s light at the end of the tunnel is vastly important. Making my way through Covid, and the isolation it created has been a challenge. Many days of long periods of silence, left me in time of study in Gods word. I think back to Paul and the times of solitude in prison. How much less of a man am I, that I should not suffer also? If Paul can do it, I shall also. Paul suffered yet endured. He had a couple people he could always count on, as do I.

Managing these things doesn’t have to be completely debilitating, even though it proves a challenge, life moves on. Finding ways to manage the loneliness, and dealing with the depression that comes with, the lack of motivation, is a cyclical problem to deal with, but one that is nothing beyond what God can manage, and get me though. Time keeps moving forward and so shall I. God gets all the glory, and provides me everything I need. Never keep from moving forward, and never stop fighting the good fight.

Isolated, But Not Alone

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Isolated, But Not Alone

Friends get scattered by the wind.

Loyalty means little to most. 

Truth is relative.

Morality is antiquated. 

So much change out there with how we view others. So much change with how we view even some of the simplest of beliefs and ideologies. We lose our way so easily. Moses was not gone long before the people forgot how God delivered them, yet found comfort in a golden café. How quickly do we move on from the good things we’ve had? How quickly the grass fades and the other side looks nice and lush. How quickly our spouse becomes old and no longer exciting so we seek the next best love of our lives. How fast do we get the newest gadget that the next is released and ours seems antiquated. And friends, how quickly do they disappear when you no longer have anything to offer. 

It’s easy to run towards to great sales in this life, but as scripture says, Matthew 6:19 “19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal;” 

I have been in quarantine now for a little while. I have enjoyed some nice messages, some thoughtful food drop off’s, and some calls. It’s made me consider, while I have received these things, there are a great many who after nearly two weeks have not returned my message. Those who say they’ll there, but never are. Those who claim to be there when it’s needed. And while I’m not complaining for the Lord has provided, it does force me to ask, if there were a time needed, isolation would probably be a good time to be available. Again, I’m not complaining, but if this is happening to me, I wonder how many people out there have less than I do. How many people go on suffering alone, wishing those would reach out, but never do. Indeed, it has become a time where we are the most accessible, but the least reachable. A time when a phone call is no longer the norm, but instead, hidden under the pillow. A time when messages can be seen day or night, but set to ignore. Indeed, a society so busy, our priorities are no longer each other, but something else entirely. 

There is a reason isolation is considered to be a psychological torture. We are not meant to be alone for long periods of time. The truth is, that time is different for everyone. Everyone has a threshold and sadly, in these dark times, the mental health crisis is worse than it has been in a long time. My own experience has not been as bad as it could have been, but while there were a few that I expected to be around, that weren’t, I know that others out there have a far different experience. Are we truly doing our best to bare one another’s burdens when needed? Are we letting down those friends when we say “lean on me.”? I am sure I’ve not been there as I should have, and while I cannot think of any times right off the top of my head, I would gladly own up to it, and attempt to make it right. 

If this experience has taught me anything, it’s some people, even those you would never expect, will not always be there for you when you need them to be. Certainly, as difficult as it may be to stomach, there is but one we can count on, rely on, in our time of need and crisis, and that’s Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine what life for Paul would have been like, going to prison after prison, beating after beating, stoning after stoning, all in the name of Christ. I cannot imagine how difficult those times would have been, but through it all, Paul says the Lord’s grace is sufficient. The Lord gives us everything we need to get through every situation. The great provider. He may not give us what we expect, or even in the manner in which we expect it, but we have everything we need. To those out there alone, I say this, keep reaching out. The Lord will provide to you someone who is willing to listen, able to help you bare that cross. Don’t lose hope. Friends, if you think you have let someone down, reach out to them. It’s never too late to remind someone you care. Keep pushing on in this tumultuous time. The Lord will see you though. 

The Climb

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The Climb

The dark cloud covers the land blotting out the sun. The wind blows, cold, cutting through to the bone. The masses gather and the whistle from the trees haunting the sky with echoed screams. The silence is broken by the cries of thousands. What’s left but shadows from millions marching aimlessly with no hope? A nightmare that rages on inside of so many, and for many it feels like Heaven is unobtainable. Darkness fills the air, and the sky gray and dismal devoid of any colors. The world washes away the reds, and blues, the yellows, and greens, and all that’s left is the grays and the blacks. Cold and uncaring are the thousands who march along the baron straights. The rage that boils inside hot as lava, but never breaking the surface. The tornado rages on inside every day and night, with no reprieve. The hope seems lost and days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months and eventually the light is lost. The perpetual storm that wakes the sleeping with nightmares. The callus heart full of scar tissue, and broken dreams beats reluctantly but doesn’t stop. With no feelings left, with no joy left, with no hope, what’s left when you can’t feel anything?

The brave stand a wall, the floodgates locked tight, not even a drop gets through. The masses begin the climb, the mountain of glass, and nails, and ice shards that cut deep to the bone. The reflections in the ice are unique to each climber’s thoughts. The climb taxes the climber, drawing the strength through the rock and ice like a magnet. A climber falls all the way down, the climb is over and they are lost to the icy depths they fought for so long. The thoughts betray the climbers, each stung with regret, with sorrow, with fear, and the anger boils the skin, but no release is found. The wind is choking with the frigid temperatures and the whispers heard of the past force the tears to well in the eyes, but clinging to the rock face for dear life, the voices say let go. Looking down and around thousands climb the walls, and 22 have fallen. The wind screams in your face and you just don’t know how much you can take. How long can you climb this forever wall in the cold, alone, lost, frozen to the bone with no joy and hope inside? What’s stopping you from just letting go and falling?

Hundreds of thousands feel this way every day of their lives. Each one sees something different when they close their eyes, and the cause is different for everyone, but the climb is the same nevertheless. For many years I felt that inside as I went through my day-to-day life. I would smile and laugh on the outside but inside I felt as if I were climbing the mountain. It took years to finally find peace, and even with the peace I have, what seemed like a straight upward climb now feels like a brisk walk up the hill. Some days the clouds return, the whispers in the wind taunt me, and the razor sharp spikes stick out of the wall. PTSD is a nightmare inside every person who has it. Combat PTSD for me has had its good years, and its bad, but it’s always there. PTSD affects hundreds of thousands of veterans and sadly 22 veterans a day fall from that wall. It’s important to know what the struggle looks like because from the outside sometimes you can’t ever tell. For me, most had no idea what I was going through, and my failure to articulate that made my fate even sadder. I didn’t put much out there for people to truly be concerned with because even at my worst days when I might have been down I never let it hold onto me that long. The whispers from the wind are the Devil telling you you’re not strong enough. You’re not brave enough to keep going, and you’ll never be worthy of love or forgiveness. Many people don’t understand the nature of combat PTSD because it’s so complex. For me personally I felt guilty for ‘letting’ a friend of mine die under my care, but the term ‘letting’ means I actually had some control, which logically I didn’t. The guilt and blame I feel for the premonition that the explosive was there, and yet I didn’t do enough to stop it from happening. The closest thing I could explain it to was final destination. A wave of knowing something was wrong, something I sensed and my voice wasn’t loud enough simply because it sounded crazy to everyone but myself. Despite not having any true control in my heart I maintained the blame and guilt, and sorrow for years. PTSD is that tiny thread that still hangs on despite all reason or rational thought, controlling the narrative and lying to my very soul. The Devils grasp is strong and once he finds the chink in the armor he never stops attacking. It’s so important to know where those feelings and thoughts come from, and once we understand that we are under spiritual attack, only then can we mount a defense. Jesus Christ is the first, last, and only line of defense against the worst scum of the universe, the Devil. 1 John 5:11-12“11 And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. 12 He who has the Son has [a]life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.” Jesus Christ is love, and grace, and hope all rolled into one. Jesus Christ is our redemption, our salvation, our truth, and it’s in the blood of Christ that our sins are washed away. It’s in Jesus Christ we don’t have to live for yesterday, but we have hope to look towards tomorrow. It’s Jesus Christ that forces those clouds to fall away to the sun, and the mountain turns to calm rolling hills. The ice turns into grassy meadows with calm streams beside it. Knowing who Jesus is on a personal level doesn’t stop the storms from ever coming, but it gives us the tools, the shelter, but most importantly the hope to survive the temporary storm that might come upon us. For this I offer this following scripture to offer peace with those suffering from trauma, or crisis, PTSD or otherwise.

Psalm 91 New King James Version (NKJV)

Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God

91 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;

My God, in Him I will trust.”

3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the [a]fowler

And from the perilous pestilence.

4 He shall cover you with His feathers,

And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and [b]buckler.

5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,

Nor of the arrow that flies by day,

6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,

Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,

And ten thousand at your right hand;

But it shall not come near you.

8 Only with your eyes shall you look,

And see the reward of the wicked.

9 Because you have made the Lord,who is my refuge,

Even the Most High, your dwelling place,

10 No evil shall befall you,

Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;

11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,

To keep you in all your ways.

12 In their hands they shall [c]bear you up,

Lest you [d]dash your foot against a stone.

13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,

The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;

I will [e]set him on high, because he has known My name.

15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With [f]long life I will satisfy him,

And show him My salvation.”

 

Find peace knowing that Jesus Christ loves us enough to never forsake us. Jesus is always with us no matter how much we hurt. We are never alone and even when it feels like, we only need to listen and Christ will show us and tells us where to go. We must surrender to Christ and accept his sovereignty over all things, and we must accept that we cannot do this alone. Do not be so proud than to ask for help. Do not be so proud that you’re willing to fall from that cliff without trusting in Jesus. Jesus will hold you tight in the storm, and you will make it to the plateau. Veterans with PTSD don’t quit, keep fighting and when it feels like you cannot hold on any longer, find a buddy. Don’t be afraid to open up.

I’ve talked about PTSD in the past, and as I am preparing for a new round of treatments for other traumas I never faced, the storm with the mountain is bound to come before me, so in preparation for that, I hold true to my promise I will never go it alone again.

When Your Heart Hurts

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When Your Heart Hurts

Today’s blog post will be dedicated to a very lovely lady I have had the pleasure to get to know. She’s the most empathetic, and loving woman I’ve ever be blessed to know. No matter the hardships that befall you, turn to the Father and place your trust in Him. He gives us gifts and sometimes it’s in the most unusual circumstances, but God always works in mysterious ways. It’s not our place to question, it’s just our place to smile, say thank you, and Love Jesus for everything we have. God Bless Alice, you’re never ever alone.

 

We’ve all be there, broken hearted, torn, crying, lost and not sure where to turn. After my ex left I was broken, and I felt as if I’d never be whole again. There are days even now two years later when I wonder what more my heart can take, what more hurt can I  endure. I have watched a great many tragedies, and have seen the revolving door of new people in and out of my life. What I have learned is to be sure my foundation is solid. I have wanted nothing more then to find myself someone special, but as I have moved forward I have now realized there’s a reason I hadn’t found the right person. It wasn’t so much as the right person for me, it was the right person for the path I am now on. It’s funny how just a year ago I never imagined the path I’d be on now. I still find myself surprised at each new path God places me on. It’s funny, after my near death experience back in 2016 for a while I was at ease with everything that was going on in my life. I was calm, and I was sure that I was so unsure of the future, but it was completely okay because no matter where I was, God would be in control. As time passed I slowly began to feel the doubts creep in, and I began to feel the pull of regret, doubts, and despair flood my heart, and I found myself being crushed by the weight I couldn’t carry alone.

In the months and now years of recovery of the worst heartbreak I’ve ever had, I have found clarity of faith that I have never had. I have become a pawn moving my way up the board, and one day hope to become a knight. The road to becoming a knight is a perilous one, and not to be undertaken lightly. The closer you get to God, and as you become one of his strongest tools, so shall you be subjected to more attacks, more scrutiny, and a bigger target on your chest. When you are broken hearted, do not fear the pain, instead accept it, and grow from it. When you are lost, turn to God to be your compass. When you are hurting turn to God to wipe your tears away. When you are sad and depressed turn to God for healing and trust that the gray skies will part. We are all down on our knees at some point, but always remember that our trials are for many purposes. We often think that when we go through a trial it’s because of us, something we are to learn, and while that’s quite possibly true, it’s also possible that it’s our witness that’s on trial. How we respond to depression, and anger, and heartbreak is just as important as any other day. We have the opportunity to show others the love of Jesus Christ in our lives. While this may not change our fear, or the hurt we feel, we should always hold onto the hope for tomorrow. God has made each and ever one of us important and it’s in scripture we find a hope that washes away all tears, washes away all doubts, and builds us stronger tomorrow then we are today. Luke 12:7“7 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” We don’t often think about Christ’s love for us as an individual love, but the truth is Jesus would have sacrificed himself for even just one soul, but as God planned we are each, every single one of us, worthy in God’s eyes of saving. We are God’s people and our Father loves us unconditionally. We have a father that wants us to join Him in Heaven, and that wants us to know him. We have a father we can call Abba, and we know that no matter how much we hurt, how much we cry, how lost we feel, our Abba is never not with us.

It doesn’t matter if you suffer from depression, anxiety, heartbreak, or addiction, there’s always hope on the horizon. The first thing to know is God never leaves us. Second, is God will always provide a solution to the problem. God loves us, and God wants us to succeed even if there’s a hard lesson to be learned. God often gives us the tools we need to make it through our hardships. God also gives us help along the way. We may not expect the help to come from where it does, but we must verify by testing the apparent gifts, but if they are truly gifts from God, we must always appreciate them, and treasure them. I haven’t always been the best at doing this, and I feel if perhaps I would have done something differently I wouldn’t have ended up divorced, but regardless where the blame is to be placed, if any, I am on this path now because of that event putting this timeline in motion. Trust in God that even when we screw things up, or when the Devil intervenes, God is still working things out. All things in our life will be used to glorify God, the good, bad, even the ugly. Don’t fear tomorrow, instead focus on God today and ask how you can glorify God with whatever your going through. Never doubt yourself for you’re a child of the King. We all have limitations, physical, emotional, mental, but in our weaknesses, God grows our faith and we must turn to God and give all the glory. Embrace the gifts God has placed in your life to include and most importantly Jesus Christ. Be strong, be courageous, and be willing to take a chance by trusting in God the Father.

Bullies

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Bullies

Sometimes in life you will encounter a person in power and they will be more or less a bully. I’ve been in situations where I’ve had bosses or supervisors that no matter what I’ve done or tried to do, nothing was ever good enough. I think we’ve all encountered people in our professional lives that just made the work experience near unbearable. A friend recently told me, “you don’t quit jobs, you quit managers.” I had never thought of leaving a job like that before. When I put a little thought into it, I realize that most of the time when I have not liked a job, it turned out to be the boss that made it the worst.

The Devil is a bully. He will push you, lie to you, and attempt to break you. The Devil hates you for all that you are. Isn’t it wonderful though that we have a God that loves us for who we are? We never have to work for that love. We’re not judged with how much we work, or how many brownie points we can get. God is fully aware of what’s in our heart and our motives. It’s the love that matters.

When you encounter a bully in your life there are millions of ways people will tell you to handle them. In my own life I have heard the, ‘just ignore them.’ Advice. I have heard the, ‘make fun of yourself right along with the bully,’. I have heard ‘stand up for yourself, by any means necessary.’ While each one of these is very popular, I would suggest turning to the bible to find your true good advice Matthew 5:43-48“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers,[a] what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” We cannot allow ourselves to loose sight of God. We must not allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness. Anger, and hate lead to the dark side. We must stand firm. We must never loose control in anger. 2 Timothy 1:7“7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

It’s easy to get wrapped up in our anger and that anger can blind us to the path that’s best for us. That anger and rage that can bubble up from years of torment, or physiological torture, can be hard to control. We must never set out to find our own vengeance though. Violence always begets violence. We cannot expect to change the world by physical means. Romans 12:19-20 “19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it[a] to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” If your bully attacks you, ask if you can pray for them. If they attack you, ask if everything’s okay at home. Bullies often have misguided anger or rage. Do not hate the bully nor pass judgment upon them. We never know someone’s circumstances, and while it never excuses their actions, it may provide some incite. Generally, hurting people hurt others. We cannot allow ourselves to let our tormentors to breach our heart with hate. We must not allow hate to take route in our souls. 1 John 2:9 “Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness.”

We must stand firm on love. Let love be our war cry and in everything we do, and everything we experience trust in the Lord to save you, and pull you through. Psalm 18:3 I ” call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” We have to trust in the Lord to deliver us from evil. There will always be bullies for as long as there is anger and hate in this world. Bullies feel the need to be in power. Bullies feel the need to be in control and those in control often feel they have to force their subordinates into submission. Matthew 5:38-41“I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” The bullies we have will beat you and hurt you emotionally. They will continue to try to break you down and look forward to seeing you breaking.

We have all encountered these people in our lives. Many have experienced bullying in school, and some in the adult world. Those difficult people are everywhere and in our struggle we must pray to be delivered from the hands of the enemy. Psalm 82:4 “Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” No matter the trials that befall you, you get back up and never let your own worth reside by the hands of your enemies. We must remain strong, and trust that we are worth more then what others can make us feel. Proverbs 24:16“for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.” We must always get back up. We know that for every fall we rise in strength, and we can be stronger then before if we learn a lesion with each fall. Finally I will say do not attack your attacker. We must learn and I must reiterate the importance to not attack your attacker. I am not saying do not defend yourself in the event there is a physical altercation, but what I am saying is never attack out of anger. If you are being physically assaulted you should leave that situation and find help, or defend yourself and at the first chance remove yourself from your situation and again go find help. Stand firm in your faith and with love and compassion live your life. 1 Peter 3:8-9“8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.”

Tough Changes

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Tough Changes

Have you ever been in a situation where you dreaded to face changes? I recently experienced the need to change my cell phone case. It wasn’t allowing me to use the functions as they should have been and it became more of an inconvenience then the protection it added. I think tough changes are hard for many people to go through. Changes at your job can be tough, and stressful. Changing schools can be tough for many. Moving out of your parents house and getting your own place can be an incredibly hard change to go through. All of these things are easy or difficult depending on each individual person. While for each situation everyone’s reaction is drastically different, and while some love change, and others loath it, one of the biggest things to change is our actions.

A popular saying is “some people never change.” Another popular saying is “once a cheater, always a cheater.” While both of these are very popular, how true do you personally think these sayings are? From my personal experience I believe they are right on the money. I think the hardest thing we will ever do is change our personality to change our actions. I’ve always said humanity would never change without a major outside force. I always figured a global extinction event such as asteroid, or drought, or contagion would be the most likely just behind nuclear war. Alien invasion (less likely) could potentially bring humanity together to face a common enemy. That being said, most people do not change without something big, and life changing occurring within their life or someone very close to them. Cancer, or a near death accident has a way to change someone’s perspectives. While we often see a spiritual change in some during these times, it doesn’t always stick. The biggest change most will ever experience is the coming to the savior Jesus Christ. It’s the change in the heart that can change a man completely.

Romans 12:1-2“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” In the Lord we are born anew. In the Holy Spirit the soul is reborn in fire. When the Lord takes hold of our hearts, we cannot not be changed. We must push forward in the Lord and we must face that like the Phoenix, we are reborn in the burning fires of the Lord, and in our new selves we are compelled to repulse the desire of the sinful flesh. 2 Corinthians 5:17“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Change isn’t always easy, and even when you begin the following of the Lord, change isn’t always easy even after choosing the Lord. In our struggles though we should turn to our siblings in Christ and ask for them to help keep us accountable and true. We grow and we sprout from seeds in Christ and grow into a wonderful flower. The beauty in this world is only limited by our own stubborn selves. We often want to stay in our struggles because we are unwilling to change our own actions. We must change our lifestyles if we are ever expecting to change our own lives. I have watched my life grow and change in my financial walk with the Lord, my spiritual walk with my God, and even how I treat my friends. While life is full of tough challenges, changing our hearts to follow the Lord, and living in love, and denouncing hate shouldn’t be so hard, but the draw of sin is strong. Keep your faith, and keep your eyes on Jesus and always strive to change yourself to better please the Lord to what we see in scripture. Never give up hope on those around you who may be stuck in sin, and who don’t treat others with respect or love. It

Expectations

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Expectations

There are things in this life I grew up knowing, believing with all my heart and soul. I believed in the Holy Spirit, I believed in the power of God, and the mercy of judgment that would one day befall me, and those I know. I spent my life wondering where I would be, and try to be the man God would see me be. I wanted to be a good Godly man. I wanted to be someone important to someone else. I wanted to be loved by someone as much as I loved them. I am the kind of man who expects myself to stand tall and firm that this life is precious and short. Our time here is not determined by our own making much of time, but that line is determined by God almighty. I can remember events in my life that shaped my understanding of life, and it quickly reminded me that this life is both short and important, and we as brothers and sisters in Christ must stand tall and be there for one another. I am the type of man that if a few days goes by that I don’t hear from a close friend I reach out to them. I am a man that I will send over a dozen hello’s to people just to let them know I was thinking of them and that they are important to me. All of God’s children are important, who are we to forget that it’s the fellowship, the relationships in this life that’s what’s truly important. We share the Gospel, and we rejoice the Lord with one another. Who are we if we forget our friends?

Proverbs 18:24 “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” We love Christ but we forsake our brothers. We should be ashamed of how we treat our friends. When we have so many ways in this generation to connect with others, we find ourselves busier and busier and no longer find or make the time for the important people in our lives. Luke 6:31“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” I don’t want to be remembered as the kind of man who let evil happen to my friends without ever stepping in to tell them they are loved by me and God. I want to be the man that reminds them they are loved as often as I can. This world is a cold place, and the least we can do is add a little love to those around us. The few seconds it takes to send a text, or a message, or a phone call, it’s truly a shame people have let life, let the Devil pull us apart. We must change our ways, and we must do better. We must be better because Jesus commanded us to strengthen your brothers. Luke 22:32“but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.” We are told over and over to stand watch, to help carry the cross. Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” We don’t truly know the hell someone’s going through, and we won’t know if we don’t make connections.

We must fervently love to bring light to a dark world. We must live in Christ and trust the Holy Spirit to guide us in the direction we must travel. While today I admit I truly struggle with the lies of the Devil, I find myself harassed with tears, and feeling lost in the woods by myself. I have cried now for two days straight as I have been assaulted and beaten down. I have felt abandoned and forsaken by those with whom I had given my heart. I trusted, and put my own heart on the line with someone and that heart is broken. Despite the time I’ve spent trying to heal, every now and then something happens to open that wound. I searched for over an hour to find someone to call, so I could hear a friendly voice. Sadly, after all my time searching, I eventually gave up hope on anyone taking the time to answer my request. No one would and two hours later I would fall asleep to my own tears, with just a prayer and my dogs to comfort me. Now I realize how far we’ve come away from the Lord. I realize now how the only true blessing we can count is that of Jesus Christ and the blood to renew us from sin. This life will end one day, and the tough lessons learned, Jesus is the only true place we can put our hope. Love people but understand they are human, and we all fall short to the glory of God. We all fail our brothers and sisters, and while we hope to be there, the truth is, the only true thing we can depend on is God’s love.