Why Won’t You Change For Me?

(Spoilers Batman & Robin)

Recently I was thinking about my life and my old relationships. When I think changing for others I think back to when Dick Grayson left Wayne Manor. Dick ends up leaving because of differences. Dick didn’t like Batman’s methods of getting information from criminals. Eventually Bruce, displeased with Dick’s decision to lead the Titans, he would be forced to retire as Robin. This caused Dick to leave Wayne Manor. A long feud because both viewed their ways as right neither willing to change. We often look to our friends, but more importantly our spouses to change to fit our expectations. The thought process of trying to get someone to change for you or because of you will undoubtedly create strife and resentment. When we assume or try to change someone we are the ones with unrealistic expectations.

 Galatians 6:4-5“4 But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. 5 For each one shall bear his own load.” In life there is one person we are truly responsible for (excluding parents) and that’s ourselves. We must learn to understand people cannot be forcibly changed. We cannot live our lives expecting everyone to do things our way, or do what we want. We cannot expect everyone to believe in the same thing we do. I have struggled in my life trying to understand why I was never ‘good’ enough for people in my life. I have always tried extremely hard to please my significant other and yet I would fail. I would not only carry my own problems, but I would take on every one else’s around me also. I would give everything I could and wonder why I never received as much in return. That should have raised a red flag for me, but sadly it never did. I ignored so much in my life and ultimately it would leave me broken hearted and let down. It would take me years to finally realize the lesson in front of me. God creates a person as half of a whole. When we find our half we will fit together, but if we try to force two pieces together that aren’t quite the right shapes they may ‘work’ but it’s not the perfect fit. There’s a reason love is never keeping score, never boasting, never rejoicing in faults. When the right two people are right for one another they will both lift each other up and not tear down. When the right two people are together they becomes their best selves. The problem then is finding that other half.

In the Lord Of The Rings Series we see Faramir one of two children of Steward Denethor II of the Relm of Gondor. Denethor resented Faramir and in the eyes of his father he was never worthy of his love. The eldest son Boromir would hold his fathers love and Faramir would be sent on a suicide mission just to please his father. To please his father he nearly sacrificed his own life. This is an extreme lesson but I believe it serves a purpose. Denethor couldn’t see his youngest sons worth because he had a particular opinion and instead of treating them as individuals, he wanted his youngest son to be more like the eldest. Sadly after his sons near death (mistakenly killed) Denethor in an act of self destructive grief, he dies after plunging off the top of Minis Tirith.

Fixer upper relationships might work when dealing with an old house, or maybe even an old car, but in a relationship it should be taken on with extreme caution. In every relationship I have entered where I could be there for them, and I could help the damsel in distress has ended horribly for me. Come to find out the fairytale of being the night in shining armor is just that, a fairytale. Once the self-esteem has been boosted, or they’ve gotten all they needed they would end up leaving. I didn’t consider myself the fixer upper man, but as I have taken it upon myself to help fix broken hearts, or wayward souls, the end result would never go well for me. It would take two divorces for me to finally realize the type of woman I would need in my life would be one who loves themselves. I would need to find someone who did not have a broken self-esteem. I would need to find someone who was strong and who’s faith in God was not in question. I would need to find someone who actually had similar passions and hobbies as myself. Moral of the story I would need to find someone completely different then the women I’ve had in my life.

The biggest thing in a relationship is understanding the only true change, positive change comes from Jesus Christ. We must always put Christ first, then our relationship. We must first learn to love who we are, rely on Christ and ourselves before we can expect to be something for someone else. We must also never expect someone else to fix us. We cannot be fixed by anyone but ourselves. And even with ourselves we cannot truly fix anything with Christ by our side. We must trust in the Lord in all of our days. 1 John 4:8“8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” If we do not know God we cannot truly understand love. If we do not believe in the Love of Christ’s Sacrifice we may never know what real love is. There are days when love isn’t easy and it might take everything you have to stick in it, but Love is Patient. But most importantly, love suffers long. Ephesians 4:2“2 with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love,” We must always be patient and understand that we need to not just be patient for others, but also ourselves. People will fall, and people will fail, it’s a nature of life. The thing with love though is we must stand by someone and not fail them by walking out. When we abandon love we are guilty of sin also for not living up to what love is. 1 Peter 4:8“8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” Sin is with us every day, and the only thing we can do about someone else’s sin is tell them how we feel, but most importantly pray for them.

One thing I have found is a need to fight someone’s insecurities. I have always felt I could fix what they felt was wrong with themselves. Really what I was doing was enabling them, and covering the wound with a Band-Aid, and that Band-Aid was me.  I covered the wound for so long that eventually I did offer healing, but as most wounds go when the wound is healed the dressing is discarded and thrown away. What I didn’t realize then, that I do now, is it wasn’t me they loved, it was how I made them feel. Eventually they would realize they didn’t need me anymore to feel that way, so I wouldn’t be needed any longer. I failed to evaluate my own relationships to scripture and thus when they ended in disaster ultimately I had only myself to blame. 1 John 4:18“18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” I have always been trusting in my relationships. I have always believed that if I needed to peek over someone’s shoulder, or invade privacy something was seriously wrong in the relationship. Jealousy and insecurity have no place in a relationship because ultimately they are fears. If you’re with someone who has a propensity for lying, or cheating, there is a deeper problem to face. I dare say with someone who’s a liar or a cheater is not walking with Christ.

While we are all sinners those who are not of the faith are different then those who’ve fallen in sinful ways. We must not forsake our own faith and be unequally yoked with non-believers. We must also remember to follow scripture. 1 Corinthians 15:33“Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” This is not saying do not pray for those in need, and try to guide and minister to those in need, but rather not to be influenced by bad behavior. Remember, no matter how much you may ‘love’ someone that does not mean they are good for you. It’s best to learn early what your current situation is, and always review scripture and compare your life to the word of God.

 

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