The Lover After You
I was in love, and I was loyal, you took my heart, and you broke it. I took the blame, it was all my fault. What did I do, that was so very wrong? Time went on, and time began to heal, God saw fit to send me to you. Years go by, and the love grew strong, till one day, something was wrong. You decided to leave, you found someone knew, despite the promises between me and you. I watched you leave, as my heart shattered, what could I do, a life without you?
It’s been two years now since my wife left, two years this month. As September is known in my life as the month of Hell, I find it fitting I have started trauma therapy in the month of September. There’s been a lot of emotions lately that have sprung forth from the deepest depths of my psyche, and I often don’t know what to do with them. I find myself longing for companionship now two years later. With very little activity in that department, I have found myself becoming discouraged. The advice I was given recently pointed out that my relationship and trust in God might not be as strong as it should be. I have been thinking about how complete my life would be if I found someone special, but the truth is, God it seems has other plans for me right now. I can’t help but wonder why God’s seen it fit to keep me alone, but in this time of separation, I need to be reminded of the power of the Holy Spirit and trust that God’s grace is sufficient for me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)9 “And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
It’s not an easy thing feeling alone and isolated. It’s not an easy thing to desire something with all your fiber of your being, and being told no over and over again. It’s not easy seeing so much happiness come from so much pain. Knowing that God works in every situation, and knowing that in ever instance we have a choice to work to bring glory to God in our actions, or to let opportunities pass us by. I can never be whole without God, and there’s a hole in my heart. It’s likely I’ve been trying to fill it and pack it full of hopes for the future and not actually asking God what His plan is for me. While God will sometimes give you the desires of your heart, God always answers prayers in His time, not our own. Sometimes unanswered prayers are the blessing, and we need to realize that God can not only see the present, but our future also. We must learn to turn to God and allow God’s love to fill us up. We must trust in the love of our Father and crawl into his lap when we feel sorrow. We must learn to trust in Him, and we must learn to be patient in our wait for prayers to be answered. We must learn to continue moving forward and continue running the race even while we wait for the Lord to grant us our desires. It’s not an easy thing waiting on the Lord but we must wait with faith, and know that in God’s time things are perfect for us, and we must be bold, we must be confident because that trust in the Lord must be absolute. We don’t have to like everything God does, but we have to respect it. We can argue with God all we want but we will always loose.
I wait for a new love to find me. I wait for the new tomorrow I have longed so much for. I wait, but I must learn to do so with more patience and more understanding. More importantly, I must remember that it’s not me that’s the problem. I must learn to treat myself with more respect. I must learn that I am worthwhile, and I am worthy of love. I must learn that I am not what I have believed for many years. I am not worthless, and I am worthy of someone’s love. I am special and I have a lot to offer someone that may come into my life. I cannot let the Devil tell me otherwise. I must keep my heart clean from the lies I’m told every day in my life. For so many years I’ve believed the lies that were told to me, and now I’m trying to rewrite a lifetime of beliefs that are harmful. It’s not easy to move forward after you loose something so precious to you. It’s not easy fighting back against the constant rejection and testing of your faith, but in all things Christ will overpower the lies of the Devil. Know in your heart that when someone leaves you, or when someone cheats, cheating isn’t about you it’s about them. It’s about their own personal gratification and what they will do to feel good, no amount of pain they cause others will stop them. You will find a new love someday, have faith in God, and trust in the plan.
The Arrow Preacher 