Tag: the heart

Surviving 

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Surviving 

How have I survived and kept my heart? I didn’t. I let hurt bury deep inside like a black sludge, and unchecked it spread like Venom the symbiont which took over spiderman causing him to be someone he wasn’t. I became that black spiderman, wanting to do good, but not. I was harsh, ill tempered, and while most of the time I could hide the suit under my clothes, sometimes the sludge won the day. 

A low song turned to a beautiful voice of what seemed like a hundred in sync voices singing to just me. I see faces, could this be the face of Jesus in each one? How many are there? So many in this late hour. Showing me the face of Jesus. He loves me this much, perhaps I never really knew, or at least I’d never seen it before. I began to see. The voices broke and stopped. Soon I’m left in the candlelight. The fight began, the sludge fought me. I wanted it gone, I tried to rip it off, and expel it, but it’s grip on me was strong. I knelt down at the cross and prayed like I’d never prayed before. “Lord Help ME! I need YOU!” I knelt there and cried. So many years. I hurt, and I felt the place in my heart that the black sludge was coming from. I felt abuse, I felt bullying, I felt heart break, I felt loss, I felt death, I felt war, I felt divorce, I felt more loss, and I felt lying, and more divorce, betrayal, and darkness that nearly took my life. And a spoonful of self-loathing to top it off. I could see it spewing from my broken heart like a rancher who struck oil. “Lord I need YOU! I need you Now.” “Lord please take this from me. Clean me Lord, please, I beg you.” The tears that fell that night were thick. I thought perhaps I’d never stop. Then a hand settled upon my shoulder. Power flew through the connection. I felt power rush into me. I looked up and saw my friend, my sponsor who brought me here. Could it be that easy? Yes and no. While the black sludge was removed, the broken heart still needed a bit of work. 

More events, like WWP’s Project Odyssey, A sailing clinic in Hawaii, a Soldier Ride in Cape Cod, all laid before me by God to start the healing process for different areas in my life. The brokenness within the heart while filled with scars, but were no longer spewing the black sticky, intrusive sludge. Different therapies I’d push myself into, and through, would help stitch up brokenness within me. One by one, and a lot of time. 

While I held onto the sweet boy the best I could, there was much hurt that he masked. His favorite superhero embodied that hurt. Batman who lost his parents, for the boy, that would almost have been easier. But Batman learned to harness that anger, and turned it into a force for good. The man in his life, Captain Jean-Luke Picard, once abducted by the Borg and forcefully changed to do their will, faced the anger and hardship to return to himself. Their intrusive attack left Him changed. But if a man could go through that, and still return to the Enterprise and show love and kindness, diplomacy, and embody the heart of a gentleman, I could do it too. Then, the real-life Hero, Dave Pelzer. He survived not having a name, torture, and the life he built and became a man with forgiveness in his heart. I would become a writer because of his works on “Child Called IT”. I met him once, and talked, the inspiration for my own book. I would be giving small inspirations in my life, and I would look to them, and see the goodness of people, and I wanted to be good too, and I wanted to fight evil. I dreamt of being a superhero. I dreamt that one day I would fight bullies, fight injustice, fight those who tried to do wrong. I would be hurt, but then there was Matt Murdock, Daredevil. He was blind, gifted with extraordinary talents, he would become blind justice. Why couldn’t I find a way to fight back against the evil? I didn’t know it back then, but I would get my chance. 

After the darkness nearly took me in 2016, I felt the lighting, the power of God surge through my body, giving me the strength to survive, to fight back against the darkness that tried to take me, but God saved me. Those experiences led me to write, as I write this day. The darkness did try to take me, but I would be brought back from the brink. I fell into the blackest of shadows, but God wasn’t done with me and He brought me back. I fight from my desk in my words I put out there for the world to see. I fight from my service in the Wounded Warrior Project as a peer mentor. I fight from my service to God and serve in the Lamplighter community. I fight from my service to those who are lost seeking direction, as I give the Lords words to those willing to hear my Podcast. I fight the darkness by sharing the Light that saved me. The Lord stayed with me, and never gave up on me. I was once infected by that black sludge, but no more. Once in a while it tries to grab on to my wrists and while sometimes it’s tight, the Lord always steps in and cuts off the source, freeing me from it’s dark grasp. I could have become a villain, but Jesus stepped in. I could feel that darkness rising within me, that sludge wanting me to give in, but the Light of the World said No. The light of the world gave me purpose, gave me value, because of His Love, I was given value in this world. The light saved me. That lonely boy who sat in the room as the darkness surrounded him, wanting to entomb him, the light dispelled that darkness. Through the years the Light kept the darkness at bay. Then one night, that light expelled the darkness once and for all. One night the light became an ember within Him, and that ember turned into a spark, and that spark turned into a flame, and that flame became a torch, for Him. The darkness would be defeated. 

Sure, there’s still pain and questions that go unanswered to this day, but that young boy grew up, the man was saved, and the ember that was fighting for survival from childhood was given fuel to ignite. No longer did the darkness live inside, but now, only attacks from the outside. Free was the Man. Freedom came from a night of candles and love, showing Him more of Jesus than he ever knew. The Light of the world. The light shines within me now. The battles comes, but I am equipped with the full armor of God. I am covered in His love. He is faithful. I may go into the fiery furnace but He protects me. I may be tossed to the lions, but His Holy Angels cover me from the attacks of the great deceiver. I went from a luke warm Christian to a soldier, prepared for battle. My fingers strengthened for the war, to wield the Sword of Truth. I am shod with His sandals of the Gospel of Peace. I am covered in prayers, and the Spirit is always with me. I am strengthened as to keep me strong, and to run and not grow weary. I am held up so I do not stumble. I know that there will be a day when I no longer have tears, but my Lord God, maker of Heaven and earth, sought me, and snatched me from the depths of hell. I was rescued by my Lord, and now I fight. I gladly face the army of Satan and with God’s strength behind me, I have nothing to fear while I try to reach souls for salvation. I can face down the army of demons and the Lord as my general I have been given a spirit of courage, not of fear. I continue to grow in strength, and my prayer is this, “My hope is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.” – Unknown. Lord, give me faith like Daniel. A heart like David, and Hope like Moses. Lord give me your strength to face the enemy with confidence that no matter what your will, will be done. I have been cleaned by your forgiving grace, and I pray your righteousness shines through me, that your justice and gospel emanate from all I do in my life. To you be the Glory, and may I be forgotten, but your words are not. Amen…

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The Heart of the Matter

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The Heart of the Matter

The heart is a deceitfully wicked thing. In days of old it was not likely scripture was in every house. The Jews certainly did not have their own scrolls, and I dare say most, most likely could not write. Despite not being able to write, maybe not read, they knew scripture. They were able to, through practice memorize the stories, and laws written in their ancient texts. They knew the laws, and they knew God’s word. Today, we have the most access to scripture than any generation before us, yet we know the least about the word of God. 

In my youth, (before cell phones) I had no desire to read scripture. I knew some of the most basic stories, and I knew considerably more than those in my life, concerning scripture, but my own drive, my own longing to keep the word in my heart was sorely lacking. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to know the word of God, it’s more that I was lazy, or too interested in things of the world. As scripture says, “when I was a child, I thought at a child.” When I joined the military, we had a day that we spent at a church, I believe it was for thanksgiving. At the church I received a fairly basic King James Version bible. For the next several weeks, I began reading verses, finding verses I could store up in my heart, and I even highlighted verses to remember and make it easier to find later. Before long a good portion of the bible was highlighted. This wasn’t study however. While I was getting to know verses, I didn’t really know or understand what they meant, who they were written to, or why. I was gaining knowledge of scripture, but not the wisdom to know how to use it. 

While I was in Iraq, I ended up with a small camouflaged Gideons NT. Psalms and Proverbs Bible. It was small enough to fit it in my breast pocket of my uniform, and fit under my body armor. I took the red Bible from basic training, transferred over all the highlighted verses I could, and carried it with me. In the book it had a small section of verses by category, fear, anger, sadness, etc. It made it very easy for me to study while out on missions when I wasn’t getting shot at or kicking down doors. I still didn’t know that what I was doing wasn’t actually studying. Though I had learned a bit more during my time. Even to this day I still have both the Bibles. The Gideons Bible however was damaged when I was forced to jump in the water to retrieve my fallen friend. The highlighted sections bled, the pages forever damaged, but still legible if I needed to use it. It sits safely in my firesafe, for safe keeping. 

When I got out of the Military I spent years in Germany, and never went to church. The Bibles were put away, and I no longer spent time in the word. It’s odd really, God spared me multiple times in Iraq, and many times prior to Iraq, yet in my heart, I still did not desire, or long to be in His word. It’s easy to understand, that our hearts naturally deny God. Our hearts, naturally reject Him. As scripture says, before we are saved through the Blood of Jesus those who put their faith and love in Him, are enemies of God. Romans 5:10. While it’s still difficult for me to memorize verses verbatim, I am able to recall the gist of the verse, and again, difficult to remember the verse chapter and number, I am able to use today’s modern technology to find the verse I want in seconds. Some, like the Romans 5:10 verse I mentioned, have managed to stick in my head. This didn’t come easily though. 

After many years of not doing anything with my faith, no church, no Bible study, not even a daily devotional, I moved back home. When I moved, it was out of necessity, and trauma. I began attending an Episcopal church, and while I no longer do, it was a start for me. For the first time in a long time, my faith was being reignited. I began hearing God, and seeing his works in my life. After moving to the Bible Belt of the United States (North Carolina) I began attending a Baptist Church. After being there for a little while, I was asked if I would be willing to teach. To this day, I don’t know why out of all people I’d be asked, but I was honored to do so. I worked hard on my first lesson. I videoed it for both posterity’s sake, and educational purposes. Kind of like watching film from a football game. The study of scripture came not easily, but not as difficult as I imagined it would. I found I enjoyed the study, and the teaching of God’s word. Sadly, my stubbornness heart, still wanted to do things of the world. 

It wasn’t until 2017 that I began truly diving into the word. I had nearly died, and in September of 2016, I surrendered all to Christ. Once I was healed, I began writing in this very place. My blog was born from two people who supported me, loved me, and wanted me to have an outlet and place to share (my talents). Early on, I was in the word studying day and night. I was writing a minimum of one blog post a day, sometimes, two, sometimes three a day. I was, as they say, ‘on fire’ for the Lord. I wrote at that tempo for a long time. While the site in recent years has dwindled in pace, I would say the content improved. To date, including this publication, there has been a total of 836 posts. Why is this important? It’s certainly not to highlight myself, but rather what God does in us. I could not, not write. I had to study. I had to learn and to grow. Today my study looks much different than it used to. Instead of studying for my blog, I now study for my podcast or (Vlog) as it used to be called. I’m currently going through the book of John. 

https://www.youtube.com/@thearrowpreacher6920/streams

In my own time, I am going through the book of Luke. Satan has a way of distracting us though, even now, I find myself being drawn away. Finding excuses not to study. I’m in pain, or I’m tired, or just plain lazy. It’s easy to let Satan fill your head with excuses to not get into God’s word. But, that’s just the first step. It’s a slow fade. First you start skipping your devotional. Then you stop studying as often. Or you start skipping out on prayers. You may start to sleep in on Sunday and not go to church. Before you know it, it’s been weeks since you went to church, or longer. Satan won, and your relationship with God is now secondary, or worse, not even on a list of priorities. It’s important to recognize the slow drift, in order to course correct and get back on track. 

Let me ask this question for you, my devoted readers, when did you decide Christ was the way the truth and the life? 

Me, I grew up in church, so I always had the feeling God was real. If you recall, I said I surrendered in 2016, but I have always known God. Sadly, I don’t believe he truly knew me, in the ways of a two-way relationship. God, was seeking after me my whole life. That is apparent when reviewing my life. There was a pull from an early age. Questions I would ask in Catholic church while sitting in with the adult bible study, as a 10-year-old. Even though God saved my life on more than one occasion, even though, I felt God pulling at me from childhood, I resisted and wanted to do things my way. I knew God, but I didn’t know God. I didn’t know what he wanted for me, or what he expected of me. I had a pirate’s outlook on scripture. “They are more like guidelines.” (Pirates of the Caribbean) It wasn’t until my very real change of heart in 2016/2017 that I finally realized, just how depraved, and sinful I was. It was then I had realized how desperate I was for a relationship with Jesus and the Father, and allow the Holy Spirit to dwell within me. It was then I understood Psalm 119. 

Psalms 119:10-11 10 With my whole heart I have sought You;

Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!

11 Your word I have hidden in my heart,

That I might not sin against You.

How my life changed when I began to study. I started to understand how important it was for me to know my faith, so I may have a defense against the dark one who means to destroy me. I learned what it means to put on the whole armor of God. I learned what it means to put scripture in my heart so I might not sin against you. I learned what it meant to have a defense of my faith when others may ask me why I am a believer. Can you answer someone if they asked, why do you believe? 

2 Timothy 4:1-4 “I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: 2 preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. 3 For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, 4 and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.”

There is so much wickedness in the world, those who deny Christ and wish that the whole world would deny Christ. Then there are those who teach and preach the false gospel. Those who wish their ears to be tickled and find preachers to do that for them. I pray I am not he. My understanding is those who choose to preach the word of God are held to a higher standard. We must teach rightly scripture to those around us. How can I do that if I don’t study correctly. I must know what sound doctrine sounds like, and looks like. I must know Scripture so I can see the counterfeit before me. I must study to show myself approved not to man but before God. I must study if I am to understand what He wants of me, and what he expects of me. How am I to know God, if I don’t take time to read the love letter he left before me. Scripture is His word to us. It shows us and tells us who he is, and what he wants for us. Why don’t we want to read it? The heart is deceitfully wicked. It is depraved, and repugnant, in its birth state. It is not till the Holy Spirit puts in us a new heart that we finally understand, and I say, are driven to know Him. 

Let us not forsake our studies. Let us not look to scripture as guidelines, but instead, look at them as the commandments they are. Let us have a relationship with God and that starts through prayer and study of His Holy Word. Let us not be deceived into believing our relationship is fine with just Sunday and Wednesday services. Our relationship starts in our own homes, in our daily lives. If you are not doing this, pray that God ignite a spark in you to light the fire in your soul. Strive to learn, and grow, and have such an intimate relationship with God, that everyone around you notices the difference, because when you do, when you grow in your knowledge of what God expects of us, expects of you, you will be forever changed. Let us have the faith of Paul to tell the world, who is Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Messiah, Lord of Lords. 

When Your Heart Hurts

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When Your Heart Hurts

Today’s blog post will be dedicated to a very lovely lady I have had the pleasure to get to know. She’s the most empathetic, and loving woman I’ve ever be blessed to know. No matter the hardships that befall you, turn to the Father and place your trust in Him. He gives us gifts and sometimes it’s in the most unusual circumstances, but God always works in mysterious ways. It’s not our place to question, it’s just our place to smile, say thank you, and Love Jesus for everything we have. God Bless Alice, you’re never ever alone.

 

We’ve all be there, broken hearted, torn, crying, lost and not sure where to turn. After my ex left I was broken, and I felt as if I’d never be whole again. There are days even now two years later when I wonder what more my heart can take, what more hurt can I  endure. I have watched a great many tragedies, and have seen the revolving door of new people in and out of my life. What I have learned is to be sure my foundation is solid. I have wanted nothing more then to find myself someone special, but as I have moved forward I have now realized there’s a reason I hadn’t found the right person. It wasn’t so much as the right person for me, it was the right person for the path I am now on. It’s funny how just a year ago I never imagined the path I’d be on now. I still find myself surprised at each new path God places me on. It’s funny, after my near death experience back in 2016 for a while I was at ease with everything that was going on in my life. I was calm, and I was sure that I was so unsure of the future, but it was completely okay because no matter where I was, God would be in control. As time passed I slowly began to feel the doubts creep in, and I began to feel the pull of regret, doubts, and despair flood my heart, and I found myself being crushed by the weight I couldn’t carry alone.

In the months and now years of recovery of the worst heartbreak I’ve ever had, I have found clarity of faith that I have never had. I have become a pawn moving my way up the board, and one day hope to become a knight. The road to becoming a knight is a perilous one, and not to be undertaken lightly. The closer you get to God, and as you become one of his strongest tools, so shall you be subjected to more attacks, more scrutiny, and a bigger target on your chest. When you are broken hearted, do not fear the pain, instead accept it, and grow from it. When you are lost, turn to God to be your compass. When you are hurting turn to God to wipe your tears away. When you are sad and depressed turn to God for healing and trust that the gray skies will part. We are all down on our knees at some point, but always remember that our trials are for many purposes. We often think that when we go through a trial it’s because of us, something we are to learn, and while that’s quite possibly true, it’s also possible that it’s our witness that’s on trial. How we respond to depression, and anger, and heartbreak is just as important as any other day. We have the opportunity to show others the love of Jesus Christ in our lives. While this may not change our fear, or the hurt we feel, we should always hold onto the hope for tomorrow. God has made each and ever one of us important and it’s in scripture we find a hope that washes away all tears, washes away all doubts, and builds us stronger tomorrow then we are today. Luke 12:7“7 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” We don’t often think about Christ’s love for us as an individual love, but the truth is Jesus would have sacrificed himself for even just one soul, but as God planned we are each, every single one of us, worthy in God’s eyes of saving. We are God’s people and our Father loves us unconditionally. We have a father that wants us to join Him in Heaven, and that wants us to know him. We have a father we can call Abba, and we know that no matter how much we hurt, how much we cry, how lost we feel, our Abba is never not with us.

It doesn’t matter if you suffer from depression, anxiety, heartbreak, or addiction, there’s always hope on the horizon. The first thing to know is God never leaves us. Second, is God will always provide a solution to the problem. God loves us, and God wants us to succeed even if there’s a hard lesson to be learned. God often gives us the tools we need to make it through our hardships. God also gives us help along the way. We may not expect the help to come from where it does, but we must verify by testing the apparent gifts, but if they are truly gifts from God, we must always appreciate them, and treasure them. I haven’t always been the best at doing this, and I feel if perhaps I would have done something differently I wouldn’t have ended up divorced, but regardless where the blame is to be placed, if any, I am on this path now because of that event putting this timeline in motion. Trust in God that even when we screw things up, or when the Devil intervenes, God is still working things out. All things in our life will be used to glorify God, the good, bad, even the ugly. Don’t fear tomorrow, instead focus on God today and ask how you can glorify God with whatever your going through. Never doubt yourself for you’re a child of the King. We all have limitations, physical, emotional, mental, but in our weaknesses, God grows our faith and we must turn to God and give all the glory. Embrace the gifts God has placed in your life to include and most importantly Jesus Christ. Be strong, be courageous, and be willing to take a chance by trusting in God the Father.

Build Your Faith on a Solid Foundation

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Build Your Faith on a Solid Foundation

Masterpiece By; Danny Gokey

Heartbreaks a bittersweet sound
Know it well It’s ringing in my ears
And I can’t understand
Why I’m not fixed by now
Begged and I pleaded
Take this pain but I’m still bleeding

Heart trusts you for certain
Head says it’s not working
I’m stuck here still hurting
But you tell me

You’re making a masterpiece
You shaping the soul in me
You’re moving where I can’t see
And all I am is in your hands
You’re taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see you’re making a masterpiece

We can never be us without the Lord. We are a work in progress and how we are made is a long path of trials, blessings, and a little bit of everything sprinkled in there. Who are we without the Lord? We spend so much time trying to figure out the right thing to do, which way to go. We spend so much time arguing, and bickering over seemingly everything, but what’s truly important. When we suffer we have but one place to turn, the Rock of Salvation.Galatians 5:1-4 “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. 2 Look: I, Paul, say to you that if you accept circumcision, Christ will be of no advantage to you. 3 I testify again to every man who accepts circumcision that he is obligated to keep the whole law. 4 You are severed from Christ, you who would be justified[a] by the law; you have fallen away from grace.”

We cannot ever think our salvation is found in works. We cannot think that if we just do enough, or say the right prayers, or be a good enough person we’ll make it into Heaven. We expect that because we are basically good God understands. While God does understand, the law was simple. Love your God with all thine heart, and love your neighbor. Through Christ alone is the way to the Father. While we must understand a Lego set takes hours to build, but we can destroy it in a matter of seconds. We have rules to follow, but following the rules doesn’t equal salvation. Those rules were for a different covenant, a different time. The spirit alone is where we must put our hearts. Galatians 5:14“For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Of course after loving the father.

We must stay focused on the finish line. Stay focused on the Father and learn how to build your foundation on solid ground. Build up from God and watch as your true nature of God takes form. When we allow God into our hearts we will have a natural repulsion of making sinful decisions. We must run the race fair, and abide by God. The law will not save us, and we must not place our beliefs on following the law and arguing over what to wear on Sunday, what to say, what demonization to be, because none of that will save us. Don’t stand on quicksand and expect the law to save you.

Jesus Christ is the truth the way and the light. We are but fleeting sand under the waves of the ocean if we do not follow our Savior. We would be washed out to sea forgotten among the waves if we do not follow Christ. Do not allow the Devil to destroy what took years to build. Do not allow yourself to be pulled away from God. Do not believe the lies of the world, and the lusts of the flesh. Sin is a lie, and it wants you to betray your love for God. Find truth in history, and trust in the word. Do not let those 11 people who sacrificed themselves be in vein. Do not be lied to anymore by fear and doubts. Open your heart to the Lord and know that our sins are forgiven, and we are loved beyond anything we could ever find on this Earthly existence. Jesus Christ, Son of God, bled for you so that your sins would be forgiven. On the third day he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in fulfillment of the Scripture. He has gone to make a place for us, and we will one day pass away this vessel which holds our spirit and we to under the blood and by our hearts rise and join Him in eternal paradise.

 

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this post. Here is $ 200 shopping dollars for you to use. Follow the instructions on the freeclubtrial website found on the card. I hope everyone finds something they like with a wonderful discount. My deepest gratitude and thanks. 

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