Follow Christ as he picks his first apostles.
Tag: testing
Grief out of Love
“What is Grief, but love persevering.” Vision
There is no question that life can be hard. Life can leave us broken, battered on the floor. We ask why, why God? We find ourselves alone, lost, in a world full of pain. We lose people we love. Betrayed and sold out by those we cherished. Ignored by friends. Passed over for a promotion at work. Watch a child pass away. Bury a parent after years fighting dementia. We ask why God. We need God, we cannot make it through this alive without God. It is said that God never puts more on us than we can handle. This is utterly not true. God allows us to go through trials and tribulations because his will is perfect. We are not to rely on our own faulty strength but rather, we are to turn to our Abba Father to deliver us from evil. Philippians 4:13 ESV “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” If we relied on our own strength we would fail. Isaiah 41:10 ESV “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” It is Gods strength that sees us through. When left to our own path, our own desires, we often make our situation worse. Life hurts sometimes. Heartbreak happens. This life we live surrounded by the very presence of sin, we are often caught in the sights of sin, or collateral damage to sin, or the origin of the sin impact. This world leaves battle scars. No one gets out of this life without them. No matter who you are, where you come from, you’re going to end up with scars. Fear not says the Lord. Jesus says when you face tribulations, John 16:33 33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you [a]will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Face the world daily and turn to God for everything. Do not pity yourself or the dead, for if they knew the Lord they have not died, but are truly alive. It’s okay to grieve, to miss someone’s presence. Turn to God and find peace.
THE SILENCE GROWS
The silence grows
I write to you, even pour out feelings, but met with silence. I took the time, I write and write. Day after day, I take my time to beak the silence as I reach out to you. So many out, and nothing in return. Years of building relationships. Years of extensive, extending a hand in friendship. Picking up the phone from every call and message. I extended my wallet, my ear, my trust, my heart, and now it’s silence. A fool I’ve been, I couldn’t see, because I didn’t want too perhaps, my kindness used and abused. In my own time of need you were no where to be found. How could I have been so blind. The years of darkness I felt, suddenly creeps back in. The seeds fall and grow choking the life and happiness from my life. Abandoned yet again, the flash in my mind, as history repeats itself. Broken on the floor the tears just won’t flow. I do not know why, or how I got here. The color fades to black and white, the hurt a crushing feeling that buries in shame. The darkness settles in like an old friend. Must I say goodbye? Must I feel such loss yet again? Is this natures pruning? Did I mean so little to so many? Was I a convenience at the time, and without warning or word, expendable? History it seems repeated again. What have I learned? How to break, how to hurt. I’ve learned so much and yet again, here I am. The lessons seem to fade to mist. What can I do, when I reach for you, I reach and reach, into the darkness. I reach and lunge but like casting the fishing line, it comes up empty, every time. I see you there, you’re always around, but my hand you don’t take, a reach into the folly.
You’re not my enemy, I pray for you, I drop
to my knees and wish happiness upon you. I ask nothing of you except friendship. I have heard your tears. I’ve listened to your screams. You even once, heard mine. So close, but now ships passing on a fog filled night. Should I let go? Should I call out louder? Will my cries be heard? If you wanted to talk wouldn’t you reach out? What should I do? A broken heart makes poor choices. But, it isn’t just broken, but angry. Years and years of open roads. The pouring out of memories, feelings, thoughts, and now the road ends, the road I’d taken for years, can no longer be traveled. An absence, and yet a carrot dangled in front of me, teasing me, a sign, or is it?
I place so much in all the wrong places. I crave acceptance. I crave being wanted, and needed by others. I crave feeling important. I place that up high, an endless race I could never win. How many must I loose before I see the truth? How many must walk away before I find my value elsewhere? I walk miles upon miles seeking what I could never have. A hollow hole, unable to be filled. Jesus set me free from this cycle I find myself in. Jesus set me free from this pain. These shackles bind me and break me. Jesus be my chain breaker and show me a better way. Heal these wounds of the ages, and heal my broken heart. Jesus heal me and light my way home. Jesus my heart hurts, broken from saying goodbye. Jesus you pieced me together atom by atom, cell by cell. You’ve watched me grow, suffer, laugh and cry. Jesus you know my heart is breaking to pieces. Jesus lift me up and dry my tears. Take me out of this place and show me my value in you. Jesus show me that there’s more then this. Jesus my light on the hill, my shepard come find me, a lost sheep in the wilderness. I cannot do this on my own. I am fragile but strong. My heart breaks but I am not broken. I hurt, but I do not crumble to the ground. Jesus my rock, the rock, my foundation, my anchor in the storm, you save me when my sails are torn, and the keel creaks in the rough waters of this storm. Jesus my Lord, Jesus my light, dry my tears and guide me back, guide me to safety, my Lord. I cannot do this without you. I cannot stay in the darkness. I cannot stay in the silence. I long for Harold of the angels. I crave the sound of the choir of Heaven. I seek your face my Lord, I seek you in the darkness, lift me up, save me, save me from myself, this world, this hurt. Show me the blessings, so many abound around me. Teach me to number my days, so I may grow a heart of wisdom. Teach me to manage when I’m at the still waters, the green meadows, or the shadow of death. In you I trust my Lord. You hear my cries, deliver me from this toil.Free me. To you I pray.
The Truth
The Truth
Being a Christian doesn’t mean I have it together all the time. It doesn’t mean someone is ok all the time. It doesn’t mean you’re never depressed. It doesn’t mean you can’t have other mental illnesses like bipolar or anxiety disorder. It means we realize we cannot possibly make it through this journey alone. We rely on our Lord and Savior to help us through and that we are nothing without Jesus Christ with us.
I am woefully insecure. My mind seeks human approval and acceptance. My mind is wrought with loneliness and self doubt. My insecurities make me question much about myself. I’ll give some examples.
“Hey how are you?”(message seen) two days later still no reply…
(Brain: what did I do? Are they upset with me? They don’t like talking to me. Am I not important to them?)
If I go too long without hearing from someone I question if I matter to that person. Do I cross their mind? Why don’t they say hello. Why don’t they ever check on me? Ultimately years of abandonment have culminated into a fear of such things, along with a deep seated question of self value and a desire for friendships that won’t scatter when the light reveals my imperfections.
As years pass by it seems I have become more and more isolated, not by choice, but by world events. My recent bout with Covid, left me seeking and searching both inside myself and outside for answers. While some people came to my aid, others whom I expected to be there weren’t. It produces a mix of feelings associated with my personal value. Of course the caveat to all of this is both simple and immensely complex. I am a child of God, a follower of Jesus Christ, and God don’t make trash. I have value because I am loved by God. On the flip side, feeling as I do are feelings of the world. The feeling and desire of wanting human contact is powerful. My soul and mind are at odds with one another and with a history of depression, a fierce battle.
The desires that comes and goes to reach out to people, is one that often seems to get me into trouble. It seems the thought of checking on loved ones and friends regularly, even if it’s just to show I care, is often met with feelings of anxiety, and messages left unanswered. Of course, in this age of digital communication, it’s too easy to ignore, and simply vanish in an event now called ghosting, is far too common in my life. Ghosting happens regularly in my life. And on top of that, those whom I had been friends with for years, have up and vanished, leaving me to hold on tight to those relationships I value most. Sometimes creating a catch 22. The desire to keep people close often has the adverse effect of pushing them away. Finding balance has not been my forte’.
Living with this kind of fear of loss is not easy, but there is hope out there to find. When I’m at my lowest, I remember my eternal Father. I remember that Jesus died for me, and that’s something I can’t ever let go of. In order to manage lows, anyone, anytime has to be proactive. In order for me to manage my way through the dark times, I have to create a mix of time with God but also time with people. It’s hard going sometimes, but knowing there’s light at the end of the tunnel is vastly important. Making my way through Covid, and the isolation it created has been a challenge. Many days of long periods of silence, left me in time of study in Gods word. I think back to Paul and the times of solitude in prison. How much less of a man am I, that I should not suffer also? If Paul can do it, I shall also. Paul suffered yet endured. He had a couple people he could always count on, as do I.
Managing these things doesn’t have to be completely debilitating, even though it proves a challenge, life moves on. Finding ways to manage the loneliness, and dealing with the depression that comes with, the lack of motivation, is a cyclical problem to deal with, but one that is nothing beyond what God can manage, and get me though. Time keeps moving forward and so shall I. God gets all the glory, and provides me everything I need. Never keep from moving forward, and never stop fighting the good fight.
The lost and peace interview
During troubled times loss is always possible. An interview with a pastor who’s experienced his own loss.
Hiking With Jesus
Hiking with Jesus shows the relaxing way to get closer to Jesus and uses hiking to examine our walk with God.
Hope In The Covid Storm
The darkness is not powerful enough to withstand the light. The night lingers on, the shadows dance and cause a fright. The boogeyman hides behind every corner. The trees dance causes you to quiver and shake. The wolves howl at the moon. The nights wind chills to the bone.
The sky turns a deep crimson as the sun cracks the horizon. The ghosts and goblins made up by our own imagination recoils into the recesses of our minds. The light uncovers the truth, revealing the secrets the darkness tried to keep. The hopeless found in the night shattered by the light.
The failures that replay in our heads, a glimpse of the past, reminders of Satans chains not that bind us, but that Christ broke for us. The darkness is no more, only in our minds. The light shines and makes us free. The heart aches and hard knocks come yet go, with Christ a brighter future exists you’ll see.
Covid brings fear, brings panic, with no TP to find. We wear masks and stay at home. We see each other through our mobile phones. We see everything going wrong. With no sports, or shows. With no trips, or concerts. With no church, or events. We find ourselves deep in our imagination of darkness, but the light shines.
The future we had has slowly faded away. The storm came and covered the globe. The war against a virus. Something so small we could not see what was lurking round every corner. But in this storm we see hope. In this storm we come together to protect and serve. In the eye of the storm, we know Jesus, our Lord and Savior is in control. Jesus love surrounds us and shines our way home, guarding our souls. Let Jesus shine through you for others to find their way out of the darkness. Be the little Christ we are called to be. You’re not alone in the Storm. We have hope because Jesus is the chain breaker, the way maker, the healer, the miracle worker, and in him we must put our faith and under the wings of eagles we must rest.
By Jacob K.
But Did You Die
But Did You Die
A lot of people avoid church on the premise of ‘if they knew what I’ve done they wouldn’t let me in’. I’ve heard all kinds of excuses as to why people don’t go to church. Too busy, my only day off, no ride, to I need to get right before I go. None of which are valid excuses. Church is an hour out of the day. And you don’t get well before seeing the doctor. You go to church to get well. You go to church to have your spirit fed with the Holy Spirit. But then, there’s the flip side of the coin, and this part, this part will raise some eye brows. People who use the excuse of what they’ve been through, the struggles or the hardships, and hold on to them. How do I know? I was one of those people.
I’ve been through so much in my life, and I held onto those things with a death grip. I’m not saying letting go is easy, and I’m not saying those things don’t deserve attention. What I am saying is no matter how bad it was, “But did you die?” Since the answer to that is no, whatever it’s was is in the past. As Rafiki said “The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.” Simba experiences something awful in his life. He ran from it, and all his responsibilities. I’m dealing with our own traumas, are we running from our pain or are we embracing it, letting it fuel us, and moving forward with the important life lessons? Life can hurt, but running from those emotions can hurt even more. We as humans hold onto the past. We hold on to the regrets, the hurt, the doubts, and failures. During a movie called ‘The Hangover’ chow essentially is telling the group of guys, no matter how bad it was even one of them being shot ‘but did you die?’ No matter how bad we think life is, we still have breath, and as God has shown time and time again, He WILL see you through it. You can’t run from your emotions. You can’t ignore them. I made that mistake during a large part of my life, and the consequences of running where dire. During the post https://thearrowpreacher.wordpress.com/2018/04/29/run-barry-run/ I quoted Leonard Snart “You can’t outrun grief” and “If you don’t confront your feelings, your feelings will confront you.”(Leonard Snart).
We want to live a life free of pain and suffering but that’s not realistic. Those things will come, and since we know they will, we can prepare for them, and when they do, instead of holding on to them, confront them, and then take only what you need, and leave the rest at the foot of the cross. I’m by no means saying this is easy, and from my own personal experience, I know this can be difficult. What I also know from first hand experience is, holding onto those things of the past can spread like a cancer. So, once again, to those who use the past as a shield, “but did you die?” We live and living means another day to fight the good fight. We think we have struggles and we do, but scripture is full of those who struggled before us. Job, Isaiah, Daniel, David, Paul, and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who was tortured and hung on a cross as an innocent man. Our worst days, may equal that if Paul, or Daniel, (albeit I don’t think anyone’s been thrown into a lions den), or Job, but scripture is always clear, when we walk in Christ he will replace what we loose and even better than what was lost. (Even if that means eternal life in Heaven). This life is fleeting. We come from dust, and we shall return to dust. Our spirit will ascend to Heaven when we accept Christ. Gods grace is sufficient.
Let God be your guide and your healer. Push forward beyond the hardships and don’t let those things keep you from achieving the plan God has for you. As Gimley says “there’s one dwarf yet in Moria that still draws breath” (LOTR). Are we full of that kind of spirit for life? Are we full of that kind of strength with Christ with us to face the next day no matter what comes? We should be, because unless we die, we still draw strength from the Spirit of Christ, and Death is just the beginning. Don’t let the past spread in your life like a cancer. Let it go, and let God rule, not the past.
My Care Factor
My Care Factor
If you don’t like the truth that’s not my fault. I didn’t choose the rules, or do I pretend to understand why, but the evidence is tallied up and it’s undeniable. The anger that has filled this world and the attacks that fly in the dark, guess what, I’m not getting into the ring with you anymore. I’m not going to be your punching bag all because you can’t handle your own life. I am sick and tired of being the bag and I’m not going to continue to duct tape my leaks. I’m going to move on and pray for the souls of the lost. Hatred, anger, even ignorance isn’t an excuse, and I’m not going to allow you to sit in my life and say my faith is “B**********”. I’m not going to allow someone to disrespect my faith and think that’s ever okay. I have far too much respect for God then to sit back and be okay with that. I didn’t write the rules; I didn’t decide what was okay, and what wasn’t. I won’t allow myself to give up. I won’t allow my night to fade away without fighting back. I will stand and fight, and no matter the chains I’m tied in, I will push myself harder, I will push myself farther, and my God is my faith, my strength, my joy, and no one can steal that from me. When my care factor runs to empty, my Lord restore my cup, fill my chalice till it overflows, for you are great, you are holy, and I am your faithful servant.
As I’ve been considering my position in this life I am realizing I’ve allowed people to sit in it, and talk to me however they want, and I overlook it. I am a human being and I have feelings. I sit here looking at my life and realizing “I would rather stand with God and be judged by the world, than to stand with the world, and be judged by God” It can be a lonely place dealing with the fallout, but as I have come to understand what’s going on in my life, a wildfire purge has started and though I don’t know when it’ll end, I have to have faith that the ground will be fertile and spring forth new relationships, and they will flourish. Romans 12:2 (NKJV)2 “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Trusting in the Lord and having faith that all things will work out and people are always going to fail you is something one cannot forget. Scripture is clear about putting your faith in the hands of man.
Knowing the reality of this world and facing the real consequences are two different things. The cuts come deep when feelings are dismissed, when words are thrown, and you are no longer a person, but something expendable. I feel lost and discouraged, and I try to shut my feelings off but they come and come, and I face the day one moment at a time. I know God is good to me, and as my frustrations boil over, I trust that God has plans for this time. I will not allow this world to defeat me. I will not back down, and I will say goodbye to any who things I can be disrespected and do nothing. I will not be that person any longer. I will have respect for myself for the first time in my life. I will hold myself higher because no one else will. Today I am weak, but I know I will overcome. I have God on my side, and I will fight these demons that rise up against me.
If you have people who come to use you, to treat you as a punching bag, to only take parts of you and ignore others, then it’s time to set healthy boundaries. It’s time to have respect for yourself, and treat yourself better by not allowing yourself to be beaten down by others. I have open wounds and one by one salt is poured in. I call to my Father to save me, to deliver me from the evil that surrounds me. I call upon my Lord to strengthen me, to show me the sun in the darkness. I will not give in because I have a reason to fight. The darkness will fall and I must wait for the third day for the sun to rise on the East. Things are changing all around me, and I am not sure what to expect tomorrow. As I say goodbye, I know that my Father will never say goodbye to me. The exodus continues, as God has started the wildfire burning down the old. Faith, is all I have.
Expectations
Expectations
Do you ever ask yourself who you’re trying to please or why? People have so many expectations and it’s nearly impossible to meet them. You may meet or exceed them sometimes, maybe even most of the time, but how quickly we as a people judge more harshly in the failures and forget about the successes. We place unfair expectations on people and the moment they make even the slightest of errors they are ousted as friends, or even in marriage. We forget that we are all sinners, and we all make mistakes. Yes some mistakes are worse then others in our point of view, but in God’s eyes they are all equal. There is no sin greater then another. We forget the importance of forgiveness and grace in our lives. We place unfair expectations on people and then get mad when they don’t live up to what we want. How quickly a person will flip flop as the wind blows. Thankfully God doesn’t do that to us.
I can remember my time in security. We would go weeks or months without a single incident, but the moment anything bad happened security was the first to be blamed for not being around to stop it from happening. Weeks or months without any major incidences soon accounted for nothing, but how quickly things changed in the attitudes at work.
I’ve been putting some thought into what I want in a relationship. As I have watched people come and go, it’s dawned on me that this concept of expectations has become one of fragile eggshells. The slightest miss step and the egg breaks, people get angry and walk away. To that end it begs the question, are we loving one another like we are called to in scripture? We judge other so quickly, often without any background information, or even a moment to clarify what was said or meant. We find in scripture those who judge are actually wrong for doing so. Matthew 7:1-3“Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”
We as a society, if it weren’t enough to judge so quickly, and flippantly, we not only judge the smallest things, we’ve become a world of shallow physical judgments. While the argument can be made that attraction is important, I submit we have grown to an unhealthy idea of what attractive is and what it isn’t. From movie stars, models, and most others famous people, they now become the standard to what beautiful is. The truth is we are all beautiful. We are wonderfully created by the Lord of the universe. We are special and we must realize that as a pillar of our faith. Christ bled for, died for us, and if we are to be honest about what our expectations should be, it’s simply just to love like scripture commands. It’s time we start to treat people with respect again because we are all the body of Christ connected under the same cross, washed by the same blood.
We must be patient, understanding, and grow closer, not separating over small squabbles. We often miss such amazing blessings because we dismiss others for little to no good reason. Can you take a moment to think what would happen if Christ dismissed us at our slightest transgression? We would have no hope if it weren’t for grace. We are so consumed with “what’s going to work out best for me?” We do this instead of asking what we’re doing, delighting yourself in the Lord! We ought to give grace to others, and take time to truly get to know others, and we need to be patient and stop judging, and placing expectations someone could never live up too. If you’re willing to walk away over the smallest of things, what will happen when someone lets you down with the bigger issues? We are all sinners, we will always fall short, and we must ask ourselves how we would want others to treat us when we falter slightly. Do we want forgiveness, or do we want to be treated in the ways we treat others? Shame on us for being so judgmental that we waiver like a sail in the wind.
It’s so easy to have open and honest communication. It’s so easy to say how we feel when someone lets you down. We don’t live in love even though that’s what we seek. We want others to give us the benefit of the doubt. We want Jesus to show us mercy. Are we living with hearts of mercy, hearts of grace, hearts of love? We aren’t a perfect people, so before you pass judgment on someone quickly, take a moment to think about our expectations and if we are fair and just, or if we are wicked with a cold heart. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 “Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Grace is something we should all show more often. We must learn how to communicate our feelings rather than walking away. When our actions hurt another person, we must learn that even when Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” Speech is not the only form of communication. Body language is 70% of communication. When we turn and walk away we are saying a great deal. We must learn to trust in our faith, and we cannot pass judgments on others based on our own past experiences. One thing I see a lot in relationships is how someone brings baggage from their past and place their insecurities on others. We are told not to recluse ourselves, and it’s important to remember that because God wants us to fellowship with other brothers and sisters in Christ. Do not isolate yourself, and do not force isolation on others. Life up and do not tear down.
The Arrow Preacher 