Teasing – The Arrow Preacher

What I Gave Away

All my life I wanted to be accepted by my friends. All my life I wanted to be liked by those around me. For whatever reason I have always had the need to fit in, I just never felt like I have. I spent the first part of my life being tortured in school being told I was ugly, that I looked like particular animals. I was laughed at for things that would happen to me, I was picked on for things that were traumatic in my home life, and no matter what I did I never found a way out. Eventually the teasing became physical. I was beat up after school, I was shoved around in school. I was given a swirley. My shoes were taken and thrown into urinals, and in the hallways my books where kicked around the hallways. When I liked a girl and people found out I was teased because she was so far out of my league everyone thought I was crazy. That’s when the mean tricks started. I was told that she actually thought I was cute and wanted to kiss me. Obviously they lied, and well, getting slapped across the face was a good clue I was lied to. Ever since then I have gone out of my way to get people to like me. Sadly, even as I got older and the place from which my actions came where honest and sincere, I would find that I was still not part of the ‘in’ crowd’. I would never truly be accepted, and I would find in time that I gave away parts of me that were my self esteem, my self worth, my heart, and my generosity would be taken advantage of time and time again. What I gave away was the best parts of me, just to all the wrong people.

To this day I haven’t quite found where I fit in. I feel like I’m a million miles from everyone in a crowded room. I feel like everyone’s moving all around me, talking to one another while I’m listening, watching, just entirely unsure of what to say. I never found how to interact with people. I never became someone anyone wanted to be around. I never found myself as accepted. I’ve always been a little different. I’ve always been a little nerdy. I’ve always been a little quirky, and sadly, it’s never gotten me anywhere. When I was in High School I often helped out as a counselor for my fellow classmates. I would give advice, and I would be an ear to listen, and in some cases I was a shoulder to cry on. Always a friend, never more, but on the rare occasion I was more, I wasn’t for long. I became the guy people would leave behind. When it came time to get married I never thought that I would be left behind again, but I was. I was cheated on, and lied to, and humiliated. I was displaced and forced to leave an entire country with nothing. I gave the best part of me and it was thrown away like used trash. Years later I would find myself loving another, and it seemed like that love was something special. After four years of marriage she would cheat, and again I was left wondering what I had done. I felt like I had given my everything and I felt as if I had been understanding, respectful, loving, caring, and yet it wasn’t good enough. I asked myself what I had done wrong? I blamed myself, and with all that anger, all that rage, I pointed it literally at myself. I poured every bit of blame into a tiny punch. The pain I felt was amplified by my anger at failure in my life. Every hurt I felt, every promise broken. Every loss I watched in front of me, death, and abandonment, all wrapped into the same moment. Years of abandonment, years of suffering, years of anger built up and at the center of it all I was the common denominator thus I was the one to blame. My value had been given to others to define. I allowed others to tell me if I was worth it or not. I gave away the very part of myself that is supposed to stay with you, knowing that you are a child of the one true King. You’ve been saved, changed and set free from bondage. Yet I would believe the lies I was told and I fell for the Devils schemes.

How do you come back from all of that? How do you change the years of behavior built into your personality? How do you rid yourself of years of heart, and conditioning? Sadly, I don’t have the answer for you. What I do have is a direction. You are a child of the Lord and the Lord doesn’t do anything by accident. You are not an accident. You are beautifully created for a purpose and we know that each of us has gifts, and a roll to play in the big picture. We all have our reason for being here and that we must trust in the big plan. We may experience the worst that humanity has to offer. We may undergo pain, and suffering on a regular basis, more then our fair share it seems, but perhaps we have suffered long for a reason. Maybe you can make the difference in a life.

Hard Love, By: Needtobreathe

Hold on tight a little longer
What don’t kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, ’cause it’s a hard love
You can’t change without a fallout
It’s gon’ hurt, but don’t you slow down
Get back up, ’cause it’s a hard love

You know the situation can’t be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there’s a reason that the road is long
It takes some time to make your courage strong

It’s not easy being an outcast, but at the foot of the cross we are all the same. When it comes to the cross the bullies who lived a cruel life will have to answer for that cruelty. We cannot let the world stain or harden our hearts. We must learn to give because we are pulled in our heart to do so. We must help because we want to. We must love live Christ loved. We must treat others fairly, and never loose sight of the love we were given that fateful day 2000 years ago. Christ sacrificed himself because of His love for us. We were never deserving of it, but we have it anyway. Those bullies in our lives don’t deserve it, but perhaps they are one step away from seeing the error of their ways and they turn around from the path they were on. We never know how our love and kindness will make an affect, and we must keep loving no matter how much it hurts. We can’t give up on this life. We cannot give up on our commandments, and once we realize that those who treated us that way cannot define who we are, then we may start to realize that power we gave away, we can actually take it back. For all those who’ve been bullied, and tortured, and beat up, and treated badly, you’re something special. You’ve endured hardships and yet you are still loving. Keep loving others, and keep giving, but more importantly, never stop loving yourself. Love others and help others because it’s the right thing to do. Do this knowing you will likely never get anything in return for it, and you may never see it come back to you, but we don’t love for the return, we love because it’s right. Stop giving away your value to others. Stop giving your happiness when others don’t deserve to have it. Psalm 146:3 “Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help.” Scripture is clear about putting our trust in people. Isaiah 2:22 “Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?” God is faithful and never lies, never breaks a promise, and forever bares the truth. Numbers 23:19 “God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” The words of a man do not make them true. The cruel things someone says, even someone who claimed to love you isn’t necessarily the truth, so don’t allow the falsehoods spoken through a wicked tongue define you. It’s easier said then done of course, I myself haven’t gotten the hang of it, but the truth is the truth. Have faith in the word, and the word shall set you free.

The silence of the …..

I’ve been thinking about my life and how I’ve gotten form A to B to C over these years. I remember when I was in 5^th grade there was a lovely girl I was completely smitten with. The crush had lasted longer then just 5^th grade but that’s when the feelings grew stronger. The feelings were more of a detriment then a blessing, in fact, they weren’t a blessing at all. Late in the year someone found out about those feelings and as things went pre internet, the whole grade knew before the end of recess, and the teasing began. It wasn’t because of her though, she was beautiful and popular, and every guy liked her. No, sadly the teasing was because of me, who I was. The teasing came because I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t handsome, I was nerdy, and I didn’t fit in very well. The teasing continued the rest of the year, never relenting. I even fell for the cruel joke that she wanted me to kiss her on the playground. They talked me into it, and needless to say it didn’t go well.

Over the next few years in school I met another women, and she was different. Not so different that I actually stood a chance, but sadly by the middle of 7^th grade I would accidently let slip the woman who held my affection, and once again I became the laughing stock on the grade. I couldn’t catch a break. I was tortured for 3 years straight because I was different, because it was funny that I would like someone I stood no chance with, and when she was told, it brought her nothing but embarrassment. Of course though, who wouldn’t be? I wasn’t special in anyway, I wasn’t cool, I was more of an annoyance to those around me. Kids would hit me when I wasn’t looking, toss me around, push me and shove me into lockers and into people. I even experienced a swirly in my 7^th grade year. That was the epitome of becoming the laughing stock of the school. The stares from kids of all grades, the whispers as I passed by, the chuckles and laughter reminded me daily of the shame I felt stepping foot in that school, or even out of my house. To say I became self conscious would be an understatement, I became horrified to be seen out and about, and I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I believed I was an ugly person, I believed no one would ever love me, I believed I would be alone forever, not a simple belief, no, a belief that would make it’s home deep down in my heart, the place the deep most powerful feelings reside.

Over the years things would improve but only just slightly. When I would finally move away I’d find a new home, a new school, and new chances. Although it never would end well for me, I continued to try and continued to try and put myself out there. Success wouldn’t be measured all that well, and fast forwarding 15 years, I’d say my luck hasn’t improved at all. Although what few friends I have left constantly tell me to be patient, and they are always telling me when someone walks away from me, or blows me off it’s their loss. As I recently stated before I can’t stand that saying.

Knowing what we feel inside, and fighting that feeling we hold deep inside is never easy. All we can do is know that we are children of the King, and what matters most is what God thinks of us. Even though we cannot see or feel or touch God, and we may want the affections of another person more then anything in this world, we can only close our eyes, silent our mind and pray. Quieting our mind is difficult. It takes practice, and it takes training. Matthew 6:6 “But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” A truth is found in Psalm 1 “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. ²But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. ³And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. ⁴The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. ⁵Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. ⁶For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish.” It’s hard, but you have to remind yourself that the truth is not what others thing, or what you think, it’s what God the Almighty thinks of you. It’s a wonderful thing when we can let go of the pain in your heart. It’s special when you can feel the weight lifting off your shoulders. Even though I’m not there yet, I hope one day, I may be. I hope one day the demons that haunt me can finally be wiped away. The day may come, but sadly, the strength to do so escapes me today. Remember to always try and silence the negative feelings, try and put them away and look towards the sky and see the wonder of the stars, and remember that as infinite as the stars are, so are the possibilities. Just pray and pray, and work towards a brighter future.