Tag: teaching

Empty shell (Behind The Mask)

thearrowpreacher7 Comments

Empty shell (Behind the mask) 

I hate the way I feel, I hate the way that the world doesn’t quite seem as bright and shiny as it once used to. I hate that now I feel like something’s been taken away from me and I question if I’m ever going to get that back. I hate the way you’re happy at least on the surface. I hate what I’ve lost in myself. I hate that I’ve lost the reassurance that the world itself wasn’t such a horrible place. I hate the fact that I’m alone or at least on the surface feel alone. I hate that I feel lost. It feels like my world is crumbling around me and I hate the way I have memories for something, that I’ll never have again. I hate the feeling that I failed and I question if I’ll ever succeed again. I question how long I have to wait before my test is over. I question where I’m going to live, what I’m going do. I question the questions and if they are even appropriate to ask. What made it so bad that made it so hard to stay with me. I question what I did that was so bad that you could hurt someone to the point you’ve hurt me. I feel like you have to shell that’s been cracked and can’t be put back together again. I feel like all the joy that I had has been torn away and replaced with sadness and sorrow, shame, guilt and regret. I feel hallow like I don’t feel real. I feel like an old toy, thrown away when it’s been out grown. I feel sorrow. I feel abused.

God feels so far away. I know the teacher doesn’t interfere during the test, but I feel so abandoned. I know the faith it takes, I know the love that’s there for me, from God and from my friends but I don’t feel it right now. I poured everything I had, everything I was, but too little too late. I have been good and bad, and I know that one day this storm will pass and I will look back and know that faith got me through. Faith doesn’t mean you won’t hurt, doesn’t mean you won’t have negative feelings, it doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t be heart broken, but that when the storm comes you’re ready for it. There’s no time limit on how long you’ll be in the storm. No rules as to how much can be taken from you. No promise to an easy life. The only promise is to be loved by God, and that God will never abandon you.

John Blake: “Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be angry, in your bones. I mean, they understand, foster parents, everybody understands, for awhile. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can’t do, move on. So after awhile they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boys home. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It’s like putting on a mask.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-11 “8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 11 For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.”

 Everyday is a battle after heartbreak. Everyday is a baby step forward, and although there may be good days, excellent days, there can also be days where it feels you’ve been knocked back 10 steps. The healing process for me hasn’t been an easy one. The days that have ticked by seconds as minutes, minutes as hours, and what hours seemed like days, those are the days when the mind can play cruel tricks on you. The healing process of heartbreak, of loss, of betrayal can be helped or hindered by many factors. A healthy job, a healthy social life, and eventually a healthy dating life can all assist in the therapeutic repair. Sadly things don’t always go according to our own plan. We may not understand and can have a hard time accepting why so many things can hurt us when all we want to do is heal, move forward, feel better. The truth is, the world may judge you on how you handle a major tragedy in your life. Just as Blake stated sometimes you just have to put on that mask. The world isn’t whom you have to get to accept you, it’s Christ. When you know in your heart that even if you aren’t healing as fast or as well as your friends or family would like, are you doing everything you can to live your life according to scripture? As I never claim to be an expert, I don’t recall ever seeing anything that gives a timeline to grief, or sorrow. We may not always have the friends and family readily available as often as we’d like to spend time with, to go out with and socialize with, but what matters is when times are toughest know they are there for you.

I have been blessed with the best Church family anyone could ever ask or hope for. Through everything I’ve endured they have been there for me. They have held me when I’ve cried, picked me up when I was injured, helped me financially when I couldn’t work, and have provided the most moral, and Godly support any man could ever dream of having.

I have some of the best friends a man could hope for. They’ve rallied to my bedside when I was hurt, and have also helped me financially when times got tough. They are spread thin throughout the entire country, and although this means I don’t have a budding, effective social life to get me out of the house as much as I should, I know they are always there.

God will answer my prayers when the time is right. The time isn’t when I think it should be, but when it needs to be. Having faith that the faithful will be rewarded and blessed in this life according to our demeanor of deserving it. We cannot be given a gift we are not ready for. We cannot be given blessings we would most certainly abuse. We may not always know why we have unanswered prayers, but we must remain faithful that it’s just not according to the plan.

As empty as I have felt the last few weeks, I know that great things are coming even if I can not see them just yet. All my years in theater I understand what the crowd sees on stage is only a fraction of what’s going on during the play. The hard work, the majority of the work is being done off stage, what can’t be seen. We don’t know what God is doing behind the scenes, preparing for our futures, that’s the hard part about patience.

In short I leave you this final quote of my own making. “The beauty about being an empty shell is that it means it’s completely open for it to be refilled with something new.”

Don’t Get Caught in Satan’s Web

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

Don’t Get Caught in Satan’s Web

 Many depictions of the Devil are that of a serpent slithering here and there to and fro. This is depicted in Genesis. He walks around the world as depicted in Job 1:7 “And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.” Satan cast out of heaven because of his jealousy of the Humans. Isaiah 14:12 “How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!” I however see Satan as more like a spider. The Devil wants us to forsake God. He wants us to give in to our earthly desires. The Devil’s jealousy of man because God loved man more then the Angels, is why He works so hard to break us.

The entire life of Job 1:6-12 was that of the Devil working to show God that man will sin against God. But that never happened. Job proved the Devil wrong. Satan has since continued to try and ensnare us in his web of deceit and lies. Satan tempts Jesus in Matthew 4:1-11. During this time Jesus resisted Satan and did it using only Scripture. Satan is like a Funnel-Web Spider. Caught in its web the spider’s bite is toxic to humans. Satan wants to catch us in that web and never let us go, eat us for dinner.

You have to be smart enough to see the web before you get caught in it. Don’t fall for the tricks of the Devil for you will forever be caught, snared in His web of lies. We must learn the weapons of warfare, 2 Corinthians 10:4 “(For the weapons of our warfare [are] not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)” Ephesians 6:12 “ For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].”

 Never in our lives will we face a greater threat then that for our soul. We must learn to protect ourselves. The enemies are trying to trick and trap us every minute of every day. We have the tools, and the weapons we need to fight back. Never be afraid of the darkness, light it up with the light of God. Psalm 23:4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

 

GRACE

thearrowpreacherLeave a comment

Grace

I spent my life thinking we had a special connection. I worshiped you, and knew you were with me, but I resisted in so many ways. I kept and held onto resentments. I was so angry even though I held it all in. In my youth I felt your presence but I was an angry kid. I spent all my time going from one trauma to the next, one school day to the next, putting all the bad in a box, a box on a shelf in a closet and closing the door. I kept believing that couldn’t be what life was about. There was more to life and there was more to you oh God.

I didn’t know much about the Old Testament in those days. I didn’t know about the hardships of Job, the trials of David. I never understood the reason for trials, I never understood the paradox of the more you suffer, the more you needed to lift your heart to God. Even now into my adult life I have questioned the why, I’ve wondered the reason to take everything I held dear. That was right up till recently. 1 Peter 5:10 “But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle [you].” We will always have to suffer a little while. Perhaps the reason for it is simple. How do we face adversity? How do we react under horrible situations? James 1:12 “Blessed [is] the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.” Are we tempted not just in the ways of the world, but tempted in anger? Of course we are. Every trial is a test of our faith, our character.

Look at Judy Hopps from Zootopia. Here’s a bunny in the big world where bunnies were good for only carrot farms and making other little bunnies. One bunny chose to overcome the world, push beyond, and achieve greatness in those trials. There will be times when you want to turn back and run home. There will be times when you feel the world is too much, but that’s when we need to lift our needs, our hearts higher to the Lord. Romans 5:3 “And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;” For all our trials, for all our misery on this world there is hope. Romans 8:18 “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” We are never alone even if we feel like we are. We may not always have someone sitting with us, we may not feel like our friends and family are there for us, but the truth is as nice as it is to have those things, having and knowing God is with us is more important.

We cannot serve two masters. We cannot serve the world and the Lord at the same time. We must not hold onto idles, we must reach for our God, and live according to the Lord above. No matter how bad this world may treat you the end goal is far greater. Any mountain worth climbing is worth the work to get to the summit. Any goal worth having is worth working for, so work for the goal of Heaven. Believe in your God with all thine heart, and have faith that pain is temporary. Do not be angry about your trials instead embrace them. Turn them to your advantage, and you shall be rewarded with Glory. Give your whole heart to the Lord. The top of the mountain you can see for miles. We are amongst the trees, so we only see a little, God sit upon the mountaintop and can see all. One day we too may understand the why. Have faith, have love, have compassion, have empathy, and love thy neighbors to include your enemies.

I’m not going back

thearrowpreacher11 Comments

I’m not going back

 We can’t live our lives in the past. We can’t focus on the shoulda’s, the coulda’s, the woulda’s. When the bad things in life come and go we can’t stay in the past. We can’t focus on the negatives; we can’t focus on why things happened, or the how. We can evaluate the problem and create a solution to prevent it from happening again, but once created you have to implement, and move forward. Living in the past is unhealthy, and dangerous. When we live in the past we never live in our present, and damage our future. When we put the past in a box and never deal with it, like the left over’s in the box in the fridge the past will come back to haunt you with a vengeance.

When you find Jesus in your life it’s like the veil has been removed, taken off forever. Why would you want to go back? Why would you want to live under the thumb of Satan? When your heart opens to God, you can’t put that gene back in the box. When you are convicted with the Holy Spirit it changes everything about you, the who you are, the what you do, the why you do it, the how you do it, everything, every cell in your body feels supercharged and altered forever.

When the past is gone, and you wish you go back to an event, a time, a long lost love, a last conversation with a friend before he died, a loved one before she left on a trip and that was the last happy day, we all feel this way. When we have our ghosts in the past, and we can’t seem to move forward, we can’t seem to breath, we need to remember that the past is gone, but we can choose to turn around and move back to God.

We can never take back the things we say, the things we do, but we can repent for them. I will never go back to the old me. I will never fall victim to pain and suffering like I did again. I know where my home is now, and I know that His love won’t ever let me fall again. I know I’m not alone. I know my blessings are many and the Lord is my Savior, my one true King. I know that God has given to me the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I’ve got the best pastors a man could ever have for spiritual guidance. I have what’s important in my life and I won’t ever sacrifice my self-respect again. When someone hurts you, you don’t stick around for him or her to do it gain. No future is without pain, no future is without trials but the world can only do so much when we have faith.

With my eyes and heart open to Jesus I know that my soul is safe. I am the most humble, the most stable, the most clear-headed I’ve ever been, and with this being the toughest trials in my life, I’m free. I would choose the “red” pill every time. I want to see how deep this rabbit hole goes, and I absolutely don’t want to take the “blue” pill “wake up in my bed and believe whatever I want to believe.” (matrix) It’s true though. God cannot be kicked out once in. Once that connection is made it can be pushed out but the damage is severe. Our father is a loving God, but sometimes loving your children takes punishing them for being bad. Feel free to try and go head to head with God…. Pretty sure you’ll loose.

I can’t go back to where I was before, I wish I could some days, but had I not gone through that crucible I wouldn’t be where I am today, I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I wouldn’t be reaching lives, preaching the good wood, and teaching. The path behind me is closed and moving forward is the only way. Put it into high gear and watch as the lights fly by you. Jump onto this one way street.