Tag: Spiritual War

A Mirror Dimly 

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A Mirror Dimly :

I have recently considered something about myself, who am I? As I have written before, I was a child in a broken home, in a broken school, full of bullies who tortured me for their daily dose of fun. I managed to move to sanctuary where I found peace, and happiness. Even though I would leave for the Army on the tail of heartbreak, from losing a friend, I kept my humor, and positive outlook. For a while in Iraq, I kept my light hearted personality, but within a year of returning home, I began seeing a change within myself. The loss and hardships I’d experienced began to change me. I began feeling quiet, isolated, even angry. For the next several years I found myself in one bad relationship after another, where my playful childlike personality was being repressed, and suppressed. I was unable to express that side of me for over a decade. I have the heart of a nerd, and I love nerd things, from science fiction, fantasy, games, history, and theology. I was unable to talk about such things, such desires. I was unable to truly be myself. The healing I needed after my time at war, was far from me. Upon leaving the military, I was forced to endure difficult times trying to find employment. I suffered one rejection after another. Only after seeking help from a temp agency was I able to find work, but it was just manual labor, in a factory. I was working 50 to 60 hours a week, and never realized there was no time for healing. I was a broken man; I just didn’t know it. 

While I have healed in many ways since then, I have felt the weight of life crushing down upon my shoulders. Now that I am disabled, and receiving social security and VA disability, my income is limited to whatever the government deems is worth that of a disabled veteran. On my income where I live, I can barely make ends meet. I struggle monthly on an incredibly tight budget. How can I take care of my family? Where can I find the means to do so? If I am the man of the house and I’m unable to do such things, what good am I? With my physical body a mere fraction of what I once was, I am faced with a harsh reality, what I make now, is what I will make for the rest of my life. Unless the government does something drastically different, or the economy is forever reset to a lower cost of living, my options are limited. These two things have affected the views I have for myself. While I know that Jesus loves me, I know that life is full of difficulty. I know that sometimes life isn’t fair. This doesn’t change the fact that every day I am reminded just how much of a failure I am. I look at myself in the mirror at how much weight I’ve gained, how little I am able to physically do and the mere fraction of the man I once was. It’s no wonder I struggle to find inner peace, I have internal turmoil raging like a hurricane. 

I have recently found it difficult to accept the truth. This is not me complaining, just pointing out the facts. While it’s rare for me to receive replies to text messages I send out, it’s far rarer to actually meet with anyone. Gone are the days of lunches and dinners and trips with friends. This has all made a perfect storm, that while my faith is strong, my self-worth is not. With the physical health situation, mixed with the friend’s situation, it seems the battle within this world is not just at my door step, but in the home as well. It seems the 8 months I’ve been recovering has left me a shadow of the man I once was. I am facing challenges at the age of 41 I never thought I’d face in my life. The one thing I’ve kept in my mind is what Paul said in “1 Corinthians 12:9 9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” While we do not know the thorn Paul is referring too, the message remains the same. Sometimes the Lord allows us to struggle to keep us where we are needed, or where He wants us to be. In Paul’s case, Paul saw this as keeping him from exalting himself. Paul goes on in verse 10 and states he’s content with weakness. Am I content where I am? What can I learn from Paul? I chose to have heart surgery, to stay in this life for years to come, not because it’s what I wanted, but it’s what my family wanted and needed. Now, I am left picking up the pieces, and still, I stare at my phone waiting for replies to my messages. Days, weeks and sometimes longer, I am left wondering, what did I do wrong? Why do I struggle so hard to make and keep friends? What is it about Americans that don’t spend time with friends anymore? Or, is it just me? It’s true my recent move has isolated me more than I thought it would. I expected to meet neighbors, and maybe friends. But, as we see, people in apartments don’t really chat much, sadly. So, I am left facing the sad truth. I may not be popular, and I may not have a tight, strong, circle of friends, but God’s grace is sufficient for me. I must rely on the strength of God to get me through these hard times. Make no mistake, I am in a fight, but I know that my God will see me through. I will continue to fight the good fight because I am a soldier for Christ. I know this life will be filled with heartbreak, heartache, disappointment, and yet, there will be beauty as well. We must force ourselves to train our minds to see and recognize the blessings God sends our way. We cannot become proficient in God’s word, proficient with the sword of the Armor of God unless we take time and train. If we are to fight against the prince of the power of the air, the evil over and within this world, we must be ready to do so. When the attacks come, we must be ready to defend ourselves. We must be prepared to resist the lies, the whiles of the devil and his demons. We must be willing to stand our ground, hold fast to the word of God, and never compromise to appease the world. The lies of the devil are not always blatantly obvious. Sometimes the lies are sprinkled with truth, and we must be ready and willing to be studied up, prayed up, and prepared to fight the good fight. 

I find myself being tempted, and attacked in the dark. The chronic pain, and insomnia weigh heavily upon me. The dozens of texts and messages that go unanswered. The lack of support for my work via my podcast and blog, weighs heavily on me. The isolation from moving away from where my church is located reminds of me of just how hard it is to make friends as a Christian in a secular world. Continuing to recover from heart surgery has been incredibly difficult as I face physical limitations daily. I have pain I never thought I’d have. I have daily struggles. The devil uses all of these things to probe my defenses, to shoot flaming arrows in my direction. Have I trained enough to avoid the impacts? Have I studied enough to fight back? Have I prepared enough to resist? I pray I am meek, ready to use what I have learned but keeping that power in check always. It’s difficult some days to find my value. It’s challenging to not let the dark days win. It’s hard for me to stay focused on the Lord sometimes. I often feel like Peter stepping out of the boat, standing on the water, with all the waves around him, but the moment the thunder and lightning crack, the waves crash all around him, he looks away from Jesus, and begins to plumet down to Davy Jones locker. Jesus grabs him and says “ye of little faith”. I also sometimes have too little faith. I am grateful for a King, and Savior that grabs me when I’m sinking. A Shepherd that shields me from the wolves. That is with me in the midst of the fire. That sends His angels to be with me and guide me, and protect me. That the Holy Spirit rests within me. Even when I make mistakes and sin, my heart breaks for the pain I have caused my God. I am weak, and sometimes frail, but I know that God is the God of forgiveness, and chances. I know that God watches me, and is with me, even when I don’t believe in myself, God has made me an heir to the Kingdom, a citizen of Heaven. Of course, it’s easier to say the words than to believe them in my heart. The Devil has done a great work with phycological warfare. A battle is being waged and I am in the middle of it. I know I need to stay firm on the Word of God, and always, seek first the kingdom of God. I pray you too continue to fight the good fight, and continue to do good for the Lord our God. Go in peace and my the Love of God abound upon you, and may His blessings be abundant and clear to you. 

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Shame

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Shame: 

Sometimes things come up in our life that takes us back to a darker time. Sometimes we are swallowed up in our shame, and when we think that shame is long behind us, Satan can bring it back unexpectedly. 

Spiritual warfare gives us questions we don’t always have answers for. Satan will use any and all things at his disposal to attack a Christian. The deceiver will use lies, partial truths, people, things, temptations, wealth, power, sex, all in the disguise of his true intentions, and that’s to destroy the life and walk, and witness of a Christian. “My hope is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight” (C.S. Lewis). We live with a target upon our faces, the mark of a Christian. 

When we are taken back to the days of old, when something from our past comes back, how do we manage? How do we face the darkness that fills up inside us? The darkness can feel suffocating, like a small cage, when the walls feel like they are closing in. Spiritual warfare can come at any time. Satan’s attacks can bring us to our knees. Battles are often depicted in movies as grand spectacles. Two movies in particular had fantastic visual battles. ‘Lord Of The Rings Two Towers’, and ‘Braveheart’. The battles are hard, bloody, and not without casualties. While these are fantastic renditions of a battle, it does not really depict the solitary fight of one person. Another film I think of is the allegory of John Bunyan’s ‘Pilgrims Progress’. We see Christian fighting Satan. Sword and shield in hand repelling his attacks. Christian, barely able to stand, draws strength of God, and temporarily repels Satan’s attack. He is bruised, battered, exhausted, and barely able to move, yet, he never gave up. Today, we are attacked in the same way, but instead of it being a physical battle, Christian’s battle is allegory for the spiritual battle we face. 

The song ‘Voice of Truth’ says this, 

But the waves are calling out my name

And they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times

I’ve tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again. “Boy, you’ll never win!”

“You’ll never win!”

… 

But the giant’s calling out my name

And he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times

I’ve tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

Time and time again. “Boy you’ll never win!”

“You’ll never win!”

Thankfully, while these are the lies Satan tells us, whispering in our ear, we know he does not speak for us. He does not fight for us; he does not tell us truth. Satan’s lies are designed for one thing, to destroy.

When I was in Iraq one of my many missions was to seek and capture or kill enemy combatants, and leaders of the enemy movement. While I do not know the exact number of arrest my platoon made, or even the number of attacks we stopped, I know that our fight was against an enemy that didn’t care about our beliefs, where we came from, those we helped, the outreach missions we accomplished, they wanted us dead. The scouts were targeted enemies specifically and they wanted us dead more than the others. Our banner flown was a target. When we are a Christian, our banner is raised high and proud, and Satan wants us dead and destroyed, more than any others. Are we a threat to Satan’s dominion by the way we talk about and preach the gospel? 

Difficult as it is, we must let our shame go, not holding on to it. We must not allow Satan to use these things, bringing us down. We cannot hold on to things for Satan to use them as weapons against us. We must wipe away the tears of the past and move forward with strength and purpose. We must not hold on to the failings or trauma of yesterday, because God doesn’t. When Jesus forgives us of our repentant sin, it is wiped away, covered white as now.

Isaiah 43:25 25 “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake;

And I will not remember your sins.”

Colossians 2:13-14 13 “And you, being dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He has made alive together with Him, having forgiven you all trespasses, 14 having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.”

Hebrews 8:12 12 “For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.”

IF God does not keep our transgression, we should not hold onto the guilt and shame of yesterday either. Let us not look back, but forward. ‘Progress not perfection.’ We will never be perfect this side of glory, and we cannot expect to find perfection here. While sin should bring us to our knees in our born-again conscience, we need to seek forgiveness, and repentance of that sin, but not allow it to crush us. Like Christian in Pilgrims Progress, when his sin is lifted off his back, we should not try to pick it back up and place it upon our backs. Let the sin fall away in the forgiveness of Christ’s blood, and let us keep moving along, doing a little better each and every day. Let us keep fighting the good fight, and stay strong, even when it’s raining down upon us. Let us see our sins washed away by the blood. God forgives us of our sins, let us forgive ourselves. What we place at the feet of Jesus, let us not pick up again. When we place our struggles, and shame, sins, and regret, let us never pick them up. 

I have often struggled with this. Having felt shame my entire childhood for things out of my control. As I wrestled with bullying of both my family status, and my physical appearance. This led to physical attacks upon me, targeted confrontations of my things being thrown into occupied urinals, swirleys (getting your head dunked in a toilet), beatings, being robbed, and insults. I was often afraid to walk alone from the bus stop because of these kinds of events. I became scared to ride the bus, or walk in the hallways at school. I was afraid to change in the locker room at school. I was afraid to sleep at night in fear of what may happen in my sleep. Fear gripped me tight and for many years, would not let go. I could not look at myself in the mirror without feeling shame, and disgust. I could not at the time, ever see my life filled with any kind of love, or joy for life. As a child, Satan had taken that from me. 

Today I live a life of service for the Lord. This brings attacks of a different nature. While I am still uncomfortable in my own skin, I no longer have a spirit of fear. That’s not to say I don’t still struggle with other areas of my confidence, and at times the deceiver reminds me of my former shame. I am human, and I wrestle with the flesh nature. Let us remember the spirit we are given of love, and courage, and joy in the risen Lord Jesus Christ. Let us look upon Christ in glorious hope that this world is but a fleeting moment, and eternity of praise and worship await us. Have faith my brothers and sisters in Christ. Have hope and do not despair my brethren. Let us put the past behind us, and continue to look towards the East. Our risen Lord shall return someday, and when we does, let us be ready. 

The Burdens

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The Burdens

We all have our burdens. Some people will face burdens of the external kind, people, or things in their life. Some will face those from within, pain, or sickness. The challenge recently for me has been the internal. It’s been days now of pain in the 6-7 range. With only brief moments of relief, it’s easy to say, fatigue can set in. With fatigue comes the spiritual attacks. Whether it be thoughts brought on by the sin nature that dwells within, or the devil whispering in my ear, the struggle is real. 

I am reminded of Paul, who in an encouraging statement said he prayed three times to have a thorn in his side removed. God denied his request. Paul’s answer in 2 Corinthians 12:10 “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” God’s answer to Paul is “My grace is sufficient.” Do we have this mindset when we are going through something? Do we seek God first to remove our torment, and if he says no, do we settle in and take joy in those infirmities, persecutions, and hardships? 

Being in constant, chronic pain is not easy. It brings fatigue, irritability, frustration, and in many cases it can bring depression, and hopelessness. Despite the struggle, I find myself turning to God. While the sharks smell blood in the water, in my low points, I will not let the deep drag me down. 

There have been many great men who have endured years of hardships, so I may have the opportunity to do the same. Some comes in the way of persecution, but regardless, my Savior and King Jesus Christ was beaten, scourged, battered, a crown of thorns placed upon his head, and placed isn’t a strong enough word, crushed down upon his head, forcing the thorns to dig into his flesh, tearing it along the way, causing profuse bleeding into his face. My savior had flesh ripped down into the very sinews of his muscles. He was placed on a cross in which he had to raise himself up with a spike driven through his feet, and his torn open back scraping along the wood plank, just to breathe. He came to bare that burden for us. Not for all, but for the ones who accept his gift. What kind of character does it take to die for your enemy? What is our example? This, to lay down one’s life for someone who hates you, spit on you, just for the chance they may see their wicked ways changed, and follow you. Jesus knew that not everyone would follow him. In fact, he knew that few would choose to truly lay down the world, and pick up their own cross. 

The walk of a Christian is one of struggle, hardships, and battles. God gave us the command to be the church, and commands to the church on how to act, what to be. We as Christians are given the command to lay down our burdens at the foot of the cross. We are to lay them down at the feet of Jesus and let him be God and to let us trust in Him. While some burdens, like sickness may not go away, the pain may not go away, the renewing of strength may be given to us. Nights like today, I feel the need to feel his presence. I feel the need to cry out to the Lord to be with me tonight. I feel myself growing tired and in need of rest. The attacks of the devil start to swirl around me and in my own military mind, I request danger close call for fire. I cannot fight the fight against the demons circling round alone, but I know Jesus won’t let me fight alone. 

My hurt will never go away. My skeletal neck injuries will remain until I have reconstructive surgery. While I know my pain won’t be going anywhere, it’s not the pain I ask for healing for, but the renewal of my spirit. I don’t need the burden I’ve been given removed, only help to bare it. I have accepted my fate; I just need help getting up and fighting the good fight every day. I cannot do this without my Lord and Savior Jesus. My heart is heavy for the burden I create for my loved ones. Those who take care of me when I cannot get out of bed. Those who make a meal when I hurt too much to cook. To those who comfort me in my time of need. 

God has blessed me, and his will is perfect, and sovereign. All we can do is, no matter what we go through, is to tell the world Jesus. This dark world needs the light of Christ. The great rejection of Jesus is real today, and we need to stand firm on our faith. We worship not because we are healed, but in spite of not being healed, knowing Jesus is Lord. I know one day this broken shell will be remade. I know in one day I will be accepted into glory and this body will not hurt anymore. I know that day will be all the sweater, knowing I suffered for it. 

We may not be able to change our circumstances, but we can change our perspective. We may not be able to take away our pain and struggle, but we can embrace it, to build His kingdom. Let us look different when the world looks down upon us. Let us be so different it bewilders the unbeliever how we can have so much joy in the midst of so much pain. Let us praise our Jesus in the darkest of nights. And when the world hurts us, when the world spits on us, let us remember, 

“Father, give me grace to forgive them, for I feel like I’m the one loosing.” (Losing, By: Tenth Avenue North) 

No matter where you are in your walk, remember if you start to stray, remember, you’re one step away. Jesus is with you, waiting for you to accept him. His love has been with you, and you’ve never been alone. God’s grace and mercy show us, that no matter if you were a tax collector, or a murderer of the innocent, God’s grace is infinite. God’s mercy can transform hearts, and change even the most brutal of people. We are sinners, enemies of God and we’re saved by His grace. We are saved in Faith, and all we must do is repent of our sins, and let Jesus into our hearts, changing us, and becoming something new. Lay down those old rags, and pick up the cloth of a child of the King. Let Jesus break those old chains that bound you to your sin, and free you from that burden. Look to the empty tomb and know he is risen. The cross is empty, Jesus finished the work so we may live, so let us live for Him. 

Go in pace and continue to Love one Another. 

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The Danger Zone

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The Danger Zone

When I accept Christ, that means I will have everything I want. When I accept Christ, life will be easy, and smell like roses, and rainbows will spring from my feet as I walk. God wouldn’t want me to suffer in this life. God wants me to have my best life now. 

This is not Christianity. Make no mistake, Christianity is not about the rewards of this life we live. Christianity is both easy and difficult at the same time. Christianity to many is about what we can do for God. How my good works, and being a good person allow me to make it into Heaven. Heaven, a place where everyone wants to go, but as Paul Washer once said, everyone wants to go to Heaven, not everyone wants God to be there. The beautiful thing about Christianity is the simplicity of it. We are born sinners, we are dead spiritually in our sins. We cannot be in Gods presence as a sinner, so Jesus, the Son of God came to lay down his life to take our place as a sacrifice for the repayment of our sins, which washes away our sentence of death. All we have to do is love God with all our heart mind and soul repent of our ways, and know Jesus is who he said he was, our savior, our sacrifice.

So, if all we need to do is to be a follower of Jesus to get to Heaven, why is that so hard? No works can earn you enough credits to pay the toll. No amount of good days, or good deeds can pay or bribe your way into the kingdom. We all deserve death. We all deserve to burn. Our feeble sentiments of what makes someone good is based on a human perspective, not that of a truly Holy God. We judge based on murder, rape, stealing, etc. But the truth is while here those hold different weighted punishments, before God, that lustful look, that little white lie, that tiny selfish idea, that thought of wanting what your neighbor has, all are punishable by death before a Holy God. Matthew 7:13-14 13 “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. 14 [a]Because narrow is the gate and [b]difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

Being a Christian is hard because the world hates you. Being a Christian is hard because when you are remade by the Holy Spirit, your sin becomes repugnant. You begin to hate the sinful nature of your wicked heart. You battle within yourself every day. You are shunned by the world, and you are called names, and in most countries you are hated to the point where you can be imprisoned or put to death. Being a Christian means moving out of the comfort of your home, the safety of your bed, and very possibly being in harms way. If you’re living a Christian life and you haven’t been called names, lost worldly friends, or even opportunities, living in the United States, I can say there’s a good chance you’re not doing it right. Today, within this country, if you follow scripture, and you put God as the final authority on what’s right and wrong, there’s a good chance half the country hates you. 

Some believe that living a Christian life comes with extra grace, and by grace they mean presents. Some believe that if you are a Christian and you plant that seed, you can be wealthy, free from disease, safe and happy in your warm bed. Let me show you what Christian means. Keep in mind, Christ said this, Mathew 16:18 18 And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it. Jesus is saying in this world there will be His church, and attacks will come from Satan and his entire army, but nothing Satan does will destroy the church. Meaning Christians are soldiers, we are soldiers in a war, not just of flesh and blood, but of souls, spiritual warfare. Satan would employ evil men to attack and kill Christians, but the church will emerge victorious by and through the power of Christ.  

Acts 7:59-60 “59 And they stoned Stephen as he was calling on God and saying, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” 60 Then he knelt down and cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not charge them with this sin.” And when he had said this, he fell asleep.”

Paul was beheaded in Rome after being stoned, imprisoned, shipwrecked, and more. 

It is written that James was beheaded along with one of his captorsto.

Legend says Matthew was beheaded in Ethiopia. 

James the Less was likely killed in one of two ways, he was killed by stoning, or tossed from the tower and when that didn’t kill him, he was pinned to the ground and killed by a fuller’s club. 

Matthias was said to be killed by stoning. 

Andrew was said to be killed by crucifixion on an X shaped cross. 

Mark was said to be dragged to pieces. 

Peter was said to be crucified upside down. 

Jude was crucified

Bartholomew was beaten and crucified 

Thomas was tortured, ran through with spears, then thrown into an oven. 

The number of those whos blood has been spilt in the name of Christ is beyond count. There are many more accounts of the brutality that has befallen the Christian. Christ said as many others have also stated, that troubles will come, and if they hate us, remember they hated Jesus first. How can we possible expect not to be in harms way? How can we expect life to be full of ease and worldly blessings, when everything we know of the attacks on the church show the exact opposite. 

Christ said they (the world) would know Christian by their fruits, and the love we show to others. What kind of fruit are you producing? Make no mistake, we are not saved by those fruits, but they are a biproduct of wanting to serve Christ. Are you willing to travel into the shadow of death? Are you willing to give it all up for Christ? Are you willing to fight the good fight? Are you willing to run the race, and go toe to toe with the best Satan has to throw at you? The road to heaven is not for the faint of heart, it’s not for those who want an easy road in this life. But I can assure you, that the reward of such a life is that of eternal paradise in perfection. Heaven is described a little in scripture, but more importantly there is no pain, no suffering, no tears. Mansions and an eternity with the creator of the universe. Life is but a vapor, a minuscule blip in the eternal. As scripture says, put on the full armor of God, and know how to protect yourself. As I say, cowboy up, and get ready for the fight. I may have been a United States Soldier, a Cavalry Scout, but the war in Iraq is nothing compared to the spiritual warfare I have encountered. We don’t know true persecution in this country, but I assure you, there is persecution that puts real Christians in harms way. In other countries they are put to death for their faith. 

This isn’t to scare you, but prepare you for the truth. To be a Christian is to jump onto that highway to the danger zone. To know that Christ suffered first, for us, so we would know the truth. Jesus is undefeated, will never be defeated, and as he overcame death and rose again on the third day, he saves us from death. Come fight this fight with me. Come and fight like those before us. Come and join the ranks of the minority, and trust in Christ. Christ did the hard work for us, he paid the price we couldn’t ever pay for. He will return and destroy evil. He will come again and every knee shall bow, every tongue will confess he is Lord. As for me, I would prefer to come to Christ and bow on my own, rather than wait till it’s too late. Choose life, choose eternal life with the Christ who loved us so much, he put on flesh, came, allowed his creation to spit, and torture, and slay his body. Christ said this, no one takes my life, but I lay it down freely, and I shall lift it up again. What kind of love must that be, to lay down ones life for their enemies. It’s easy to say you can lay down your life for someone you love, maybe even those you like, but to do so for someone that’s your enemy, that’s different. How about laying down your life for the murder on death row, or that child rapist, or the drunk driver that took away someone’s ability to walk, or even live. Would you give up your life for them? Jesus did. Jesus lived according to the scripture, he showed who he was, and the amount of evidence to prove he was who he claimed he was, is incontrovertible, when you actually take the time to look. So, I ask again, join me, fight the good fight, and lets face the wiles, the attacks of the Devil together, and lets go out and share the good news of Jesus Christ.