Tag: self-respect

The Past Hurts, Tomorrow The Green Grass Grows

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The Past Hurts, Tomorrow The Green Grass Grows 

The changes in life sometimes come quickly. It’s hard to sit back and accept the changes going from a river to a waterfall and falling over the edge. Scripture offers a wonderful passage, Psalm 91:4 (NKJV) 4 He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and [a]buckler.” In the recent days I have found need of this shelter. I have found need of God’s grace, to cover me, and protect me. I have found myself under the attack of spiritual warfare, and I have needed Holy protection. While I cannot, or nor should I go into specifics of what’s happened, what I can say is my life is forever changed. 

Deuteronomy 31:8 (ESV) “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” When I sit back and spend some time with the Lord, I find myself helpless in circumstances. While I don’t feel like my current situation is of my doing (exactly), I am helpless to change what is, so all I can do now is choose how to manage the changes I’m experiencing. 

What do we do when the world as we know it has been flipped upside down? As easy as it is to say, Romans 12:14-19  14 Wish good for those who harm you; wish them well and do not curse them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and be sad with those who are sad. 16 Live in peace with each other. Do not be proud, but make friends with those who seem unimportant. Do not think how smart you are. 17 If someone does wrong to you, do not pay him back by doing wrong to him. Try to do what everyone thinks is right. 18 Do your best to live in peace with everyone. 19 My friends, do not try to punish others when they wrong you, but wait for God to punish them with his anger. It is written: “I will punish those who do wrong; I will repay them,”[a] says the Lord.

We know that in life bad things will happen. We know that in life, we will face hardships, and we will face struggles, but we will always have God’s blessing every day. God gives us amazing grace filled opportunities, and sometimes those things come when we least expect it, and after the rain comes the rainbow. I think back to the life of Paul and look at everything he endured. When life is thrown into a tailspin, Paul often said that God’s Grace is sufficient. Paul also said in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NKJV) 18 “in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” No matter the storm, or the mountain top, the deepest or darkest valley, the calm babbling brook, no matter where you find yourself God is with you. 

As hard has this has been for me, I know that God will show me a new path. Facing these setbacks, these downfalls, and yet knowing that Jesus is the light of my world, that shines brightly, guiding me where I need to go. He will mark my path, and give me what I need to succeed. Much like the uncertainty of Moses, the questioning Gideon, and doubting Thomas who was there to see the works of Christ and yet doubted anyway, we all struggle. It’s not the struggle, it’s the growth of faith that comes from being knocked down. Strength is born out of weakness. Strength grows through pain. Romans 5:3-4 (NKJV) 3 “And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces [a]perseverance; 4 and perseverance, [b]character; and character, hope.” 

So when you are hurting. When you are lost. When you are left with confusion as to why something bad happened to you. When you feel you’ve been treated wrongly. When you feel the world is met with injustice. Just remember that people are all sinners. No matter the title someone may have, or the position they fill, everyone is subject to sin and we must remember that while it hurts, and you may go through the gambit of emotions, God is still on the throne. Jesus still loves you. Your true value comes from the Lord, and not what other people think of you. All we can do in this life is pray for those who trespass against us. Pray we are not led into our own temptation. Remember that the love of Christ is not always represented by the actions of others. God so loved the world for he gave us his only Son Jesus to die on the cross so we would have the possibility of eternal life with him. (John 3:16). When you feel like your world is fractured beyond repair, remember with Jesus, anything is possible.

I don’t Have Time to Beef With You

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I don’t Have Time to Beef With You

I’m dealing with my own demons. Don’t pick a fight with me, Satan that means you. I have suffered long, and wondered why. I have struggled over the years wondering what I was going to do with the pain and anger I had pent up for over two decades. I started to realize recently that I had been living my life a certain way, and I wasn’t treating myself with very much respect. I think when you allow people to treat you a certain way, and when you allow people to disrespect you, shame on them for what they do, but when you allow them to do it shame on you. I was disrespecting myself by standing by and watching the cycle repeat over and over again. Now I look around me and I start to question where I stand with others, but I find I no longer want to fight what I believe is to be a loosing battle. I do not want to split my time by trying to keep alive what I should probably let die.

 

I cannot say for certain what exactly I’m meant to learn in this season, but if I had to take a guess I’m meant to be more fruitful with my time. If time is a resource and if I’ve been wasting it on others, it begs to reason God is removing my distractions from my life by force since I seemed unwilling to do that on my own. Regardless of the purpose I have found I no longer feel the drive to turn my attention to those that willfully disregard my feelings. Romans 8:28 ESV“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

 

I know that Satan has been coming and going for a while in my life, and has been causing many negative feelings, and doubts. I have decided I do not want to feel the way I do anymore. I find myself hurt and sometimes angry with those whom I gave my love and affection, my attention, and my time, when I didn’t get the same in turn. I know that a part of me is angry, but I know scripture tells me to put those feelings away, to get rid of them with hatred of the negative feelings. Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Struggling is a natural thing for us sinful creatures, but we must continue to work on our feelings, and to try and rid ourselves of bitterness, wrath, and anger. I will not be baited into a beef with Satan, or anyone else for that matter. I will follow the Lord, and if someone doesn’t like who I’ve become, or cannot support me in my endeavors, I will walk away, and pray for those who choose to walk away from me. Time will tell who is left when the dust settles.

Why Won’t You Change For Me?

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Why Won’t You Change For Me?

(Spoilers Batman & Robin)

Recently I was thinking about my life and my old relationships. When I think changing for others I think back to when Dick Grayson left Wayne Manor. Dick ends up leaving because of differences. Dick didn’t like Batman’s methods of getting information from criminals. Eventually Bruce, displeased with Dick’s decision to lead the Titans, he would be forced to retire as Robin. This caused Dick to leave Wayne Manor. A long feud because both viewed their ways as right neither willing to change. We often look to our friends, but more importantly our spouses to change to fit our expectations. The thought process of trying to get someone to change for you or because of you will undoubtedly create strife and resentment. When we assume or try to change someone we are the ones with unrealistic expectations.

 Galatians 6:4-5“4 But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. 5 For each one shall bear his own load.” In life there is one person we are truly responsible for (excluding parents) and that’s ourselves. We must learn to understand people cannot be forcibly changed. We cannot live our lives expecting everyone to do things our way, or do what we want. We cannot expect everyone to believe in the same thing we do. I have struggled in my life trying to understand why I was never ‘good’ enough for people in my life. I have always tried extremely hard to please my significant other and yet I would fail. I would not only carry my own problems, but I would take on every one else’s around me also. I would give everything I could and wonder why I never received as much in return. That should have raised a red flag for me, but sadly it never did. I ignored so much in my life and ultimately it would leave me broken hearted and let down. It would take me years to finally realize the lesson in front of me. God creates a person as half of a whole. When we find our half we will fit together, but if we try to force two pieces together that aren’t quite the right shapes they may ‘work’ but it’s not the perfect fit. There’s a reason love is never keeping score, never boasting, never rejoicing in faults. When the right two people are right for one another they will both lift each other up and not tear down. When the right two people are together they becomes their best selves. The problem then is finding that other half.

In the Lord Of The Rings Series we see Faramir one of two children of Steward Denethor II of the Relm of Gondor. Denethor resented Faramir and in the eyes of his father he was never worthy of his love. The eldest son Boromir would hold his fathers love and Faramir would be sent on a suicide mission just to please his father. To please his father he nearly sacrificed his own life. This is an extreme lesson but I believe it serves a purpose. Denethor couldn’t see his youngest sons worth because he had a particular opinion and instead of treating them as individuals, he wanted his youngest son to be more like the eldest. Sadly after his sons near death (mistakenly killed) Denethor in an act of self destructive grief, he dies after plunging off the top of Minis Tirith.

Fixer upper relationships might work when dealing with an old house, or maybe even an old car, but in a relationship it should be taken on with extreme caution. In every relationship I have entered where I could be there for them, and I could help the damsel in distress has ended horribly for me. Come to find out the fairytale of being the night in shining armor is just that, a fairytale. Once the self-esteem has been boosted, or they’ve gotten all they needed they would end up leaving. I didn’t consider myself the fixer upper man, but as I have taken it upon myself to help fix broken hearts, or wayward souls, the end result would never go well for me. It would take two divorces for me to finally realize the type of woman I would need in my life would be one who loves themselves. I would need to find someone who did not have a broken self-esteem. I would need to find someone who was strong and who’s faith in God was not in question. I would need to find someone who actually had similar passions and hobbies as myself. Moral of the story I would need to find someone completely different then the women I’ve had in my life.

The biggest thing in a relationship is understanding the only true change, positive change comes from Jesus Christ. We must always put Christ first, then our relationship. We must first learn to love who we are, rely on Christ and ourselves before we can expect to be something for someone else. We must also never expect someone else to fix us. We cannot be fixed by anyone but ourselves. And even with ourselves we cannot truly fix anything with Christ by our side. We must trust in the Lord in all of our days. 1 John 4:8“8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” If we do not know God we cannot truly understand love. If we do not believe in the Love of Christ’s Sacrifice we may never know what real love is. There are days when love isn’t easy and it might take everything you have to stick in it, but Love is Patient. But most importantly, love suffers long. Ephesians 4:2“2 with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love,” We must always be patient and understand that we need to not just be patient for others, but also ourselves. People will fall, and people will fail, it’s a nature of life. The thing with love though is we must stand by someone and not fail them by walking out. When we abandon love we are guilty of sin also for not living up to what love is. 1 Peter 4:8“8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” Sin is with us every day, and the only thing we can do about someone else’s sin is tell them how we feel, but most importantly pray for them.

One thing I have found is a need to fight someone’s insecurities. I have always felt I could fix what they felt was wrong with themselves. Really what I was doing was enabling them, and covering the wound with a Band-Aid, and that Band-Aid was me.  I covered the wound for so long that eventually I did offer healing, but as most wounds go when the wound is healed the dressing is discarded and thrown away. What I didn’t realize then, that I do now, is it wasn’t me they loved, it was how I made them feel. Eventually they would realize they didn’t need me anymore to feel that way, so I wouldn’t be needed any longer. I failed to evaluate my own relationships to scripture and thus when they ended in disaster ultimately I had only myself to blame. 1 John 4:18“18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” I have always been trusting in my relationships. I have always believed that if I needed to peek over someone’s shoulder, or invade privacy something was seriously wrong in the relationship. Jealousy and insecurity have no place in a relationship because ultimately they are fears. If you’re with someone who has a propensity for lying, or cheating, there is a deeper problem to face. I dare say with someone who’s a liar or a cheater is not walking with Christ.

While we are all sinners those who are not of the faith are different then those who’ve fallen in sinful ways. We must not forsake our own faith and be unequally yoked with non-believers. We must also remember to follow scripture. 1 Corinthians 15:33“Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” This is not saying do not pray for those in need, and try to guide and minister to those in need, but rather not to be influenced by bad behavior. Remember, no matter how much you may ‘love’ someone that does not mean they are good for you. It’s best to learn early what your current situation is, and always review scripture and compare your life to the word of God.

 

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I’m not going back

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I’m not going back

 We can’t live our lives in the past. We can’t focus on the shoulda’s, the coulda’s, the woulda’s. When the bad things in life come and go we can’t stay in the past. We can’t focus on the negatives; we can’t focus on why things happened, or the how. We can evaluate the problem and create a solution to prevent it from happening again, but once created you have to implement, and move forward. Living in the past is unhealthy, and dangerous. When we live in the past we never live in our present, and damage our future. When we put the past in a box and never deal with it, like the left over’s in the box in the fridge the past will come back to haunt you with a vengeance.

When you find Jesus in your life it’s like the veil has been removed, taken off forever. Why would you want to go back? Why would you want to live under the thumb of Satan? When your heart opens to God, you can’t put that gene back in the box. When you are convicted with the Holy Spirit it changes everything about you, the who you are, the what you do, the why you do it, the how you do it, everything, every cell in your body feels supercharged and altered forever.

When the past is gone, and you wish you go back to an event, a time, a long lost love, a last conversation with a friend before he died, a loved one before she left on a trip and that was the last happy day, we all feel this way. When we have our ghosts in the past, and we can’t seem to move forward, we can’t seem to breath, we need to remember that the past is gone, but we can choose to turn around and move back to God.

We can never take back the things we say, the things we do, but we can repent for them. I will never go back to the old me. I will never fall victim to pain and suffering like I did again. I know where my home is now, and I know that His love won’t ever let me fall again. I know I’m not alone. I know my blessings are many and the Lord is my Savior, my one true King. I know that God has given to me the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I’ve got the best pastors a man could ever have for spiritual guidance. I have what’s important in my life and I won’t ever sacrifice my self-respect again. When someone hurts you, you don’t stick around for him or her to do it gain. No future is without pain, no future is without trials but the world can only do so much when we have faith.

With my eyes and heart open to Jesus I know that my soul is safe. I am the most humble, the most stable, the most clear-headed I’ve ever been, and with this being the toughest trials in my life, I’m free. I would choose the “red” pill every time. I want to see how deep this rabbit hole goes, and I absolutely don’t want to take the “blue” pill “wake up in my bed and believe whatever I want to believe.” (matrix) It’s true though. God cannot be kicked out once in. Once that connection is made it can be pushed out but the damage is severe. Our father is a loving God, but sometimes loving your children takes punishing them for being bad. Feel free to try and go head to head with God…. Pretty sure you’ll loose.

I can’t go back to where I was before, I wish I could some days, but had I not gone through that crucible I wouldn’t be where I am today, I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I wouldn’t be reaching lives, preaching the good wood, and teaching. The path behind me is closed and moving forward is the only way. Put it into high gear and watch as the lights fly by you. Jump onto this one way street.