Tag: Self-Esteem

You’re Worth More Then You Think You Are

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You’re Worth More Then You Think You Are

I reached for you, but you had another idea. You blew me off, and got mad when I didn’t understand. You decided you didn’t need me, nor did you want me around. I didn’t understand. You said you cared, and yet you slapped my hand away when you were in need. I reached out for you, and you told me, I don’t need you. What more can I say, except if you don’t want me around, I don’t want to chase after you anymore.

I have spent so much worrying about why someone didn’t want me. I’ve spent so much time chasing after friends, always being the first to say hello, always being the first to ask how they are, always being the first to check on them, and after all this time, what do I have to show for it? I have wasted so much time feeling like it was me that wasn’t wanted, that it was me that was worthless, but really, I’m the one with the conscious. I’m the one with the compassion in my heart, because I know the love of Jesus Christ. I spent so much time thinking if I loved enough someone would love me in return. I spent so much time thinking if I showed how much I cared, showed my love every day, and tried to live up to scripture in love that I would be loved in return. I was wrong.

Luke 6:32-36“But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. 35 But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. 36 Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.”

All this time I didn’t understand the nature of some people. I didn’t understand the sinful mentality, which sin in it self is about ‘I’ about the selfish desires of what is wanted for self. I missed out on knowing how selfish, and manipulative people could be. I failed to understand that I would give and give and never receive anything in return. I would give everything I had till there was nothing more for me to give, or someone would take their fill, and move on. What do I have if nothing anyone wants for a long hall? Learning how not to allow people to use and take advantage is a process for me. I don’t see the signs like most people do, so my blindness hinders me from finding healthy friendships/relationships. I can’t place my worth, or value in the hands of sinners. I must learn to focus on the love of Jesus Christ, and let go of the painful losses of friends, and loved ones. I am worth more than the brokenness I experience. I am valued by the words of scripture that say I am bought by blood to be accepted in Heaven, and I am a child of God.

Romans 12:9-21 (NKJV)“9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient[a] in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given[b] to hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.

17 Repay no one evil for evil. Have[c] regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 Therefore

 “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

If he is thirsty, give him a drink;

For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

 

I have approached relationships all wrong most of my life. I have thought the more I gave I would get back something, but when you give to people who have no respect for the relationship you will never see any return. It hasn’t been about what I would get back, but when you give and give, and receive nothing, that’s not a friendship. When you give your heart to someone and they don’t return that love, that’s not love. I have believed people loved me and in the end, I was only lying to myself. It’s time I don’t spend resources on those who would only squander it for their own purposes. God says to be good stewards of what we have, and if I am wasting my time and love on those who don’t truly care about it, it’s time for me to hold onto what I have till people truly come around and desire my time, my affections, my love. I cannot allow myself to fall into despair anymore when someone decides they are done with me. I cannot allow the pain to fill me up and cast me into the darkness of depression. I must learn to change my cognition to a more self promoting thought process, and remember that my value is found in Christ, and if I am working for the Lord, his approval is all I need.

Hello my name is Child of the one true King. His blood has saved me, I’m special and I am more than what people have done to me. I am more than how people have treated me, and I am more than I feel about myself. I have been bought by a pure sacrifice and if I weren’t worth anything, why then would Jesus lay his life down for me? I am worth more then I think I am, and it’s about time I start to see that. I am broken on the inside and Jesus Christ is the one mending my spirit and my heart. It won’t happen over night, but slowly, I’m starting to understand.

They All Leave

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They All Leave

It has dawned on me that in the last two weeks I have watched people who have left my life as quickly as they entered. I have found a hidden talent in m life to somehow push everyone away. I haven’t been able to figure out if it’s what I say, how I say it, or some other combination. It’s hard not to feel as if somehow I am at fault. Time is a constant for us, but sometimes we can get stuck reliving a moment in the past. The past can define our thoughts about ourselves and create unrealistic expectations. The expectations we place on others, or how we see ourselves when something goes wrong can be a place in history that we never left.

When we consider life and it’s ups and downs, the biggest thing we must learn, and the sooner the better, our value, our worth, our joy must all start and end with Jesus Christ. We have received the best gift ever in any lifetime, the gift of grace and love in the blood of Christ. Christ so loved the world that He willingly sacrificed himself for us, whom He clearly loved. No matter what we face in our lives the direction we must always turn is Christ. That’s not to say there won’t be times when you need a doctor for your mental health, no different then if you were to break your arm, or something else. At the center of every storm is an anchor that keeps you grounded, the anchor knowing that Jesus is with you. Feeling alone is something we all have, some more then others, and in reality some people truly are alone. We are given only so many chances to tell the people we love that we love them. We have become a people intolerant, quick to snap, swift to anger, abrupt to leave people in our lives at the slightest cause. With no accountability, no feeling of the hurt inflicted upon others, a new social norm has entered into the world.

We have forgotten how to treat others. We have forgotten the love that Jesus taught, and we have forgotten what love is. We are to love our brothers and sisters. We are to treat others with respect and with love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NKJV)4 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not [a]puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, [b]thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” If love is endured through all things, and it’s patient, why are we so quick to turn our backs on someone we called friend, or worse, someone we told we loved. Hebrews 10:24-2524 “And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, 25 not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.” How often do we gather to lift up someone else up? How often do we put our own needs aside for those of someone else?

In the instruction we are given by Paul Ephesians 4:1-3 (NKJV) “I, therefore, the prisoner [a]of the Lord, [b]beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, 2 with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, 3 endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” We are to humble ourselves, giving ourselves up to Christ, and in our humble state, going forth to lift up others, to pass on the love that was shared for each and every one of us.

It’s not an easy thing loosing so much and keeping the faith. It’s not an easy thing loosing the love you had and trying to understand and find purpose in it. It’s not easy telling yourself you’re special when you feel you’re not. It’s not easy facing pain and loss and telling yourself that Jesus loves you and that love is never ending. It’s hard facing life every day feeling used, abused, worthless, and as I often felt in my past, a piece of used up garbage thrown away with yesterday’s trash. There is a brighter tomorrow but it has to start with your heart. It has to start with the forgiveness to those who’ve done harm to you, and let go of the pain you feel inside. Even though the past is behind you it can feel like it still has a hold of you. The battles you may face could turn to those of the past that seem to hold you as the months and years continue to pass by. People don’t define who you are. People are fickle, judgmental, emotional creatures, and the only opinion you can truly count on is that of the Lord. We must build our confidence trusting in the Lords work, knowing that we were created for a purpose, and that purpose is not to be worthless. God never makes mistakes and in His perfection, created each and every one of us for an intention of love, change, and hope we can bring by living in Christ’s love. Do you want to be remembered as the person who loved, or the person who left? Do you want to be remembered as someone who was patient and caring, or do you want to be remembered as the person as rash, and harsh? We all have choices to make in our lives, and no one can make them for us. We choose who we want to be, and how we want to be remembered. The instructions to living a good life, an honorable life is right there in the scripture of the Holy Bible, but so few ever truly take the time to read it. So few ever take the time to study and understand the meaning of life that’s spelled out in those pages. Instead we want to go our own way, walk our own path, and try to do things the way we want, that we rarely care who we hurt along the way, so long as ‘I’ am happy. What is your happiness worth? Is happiness worth sacrificing others for it? Is a difference of opinion so horrible that we can abandon all hope of friendship? Do we not owe one another an honest explanation to why we hurt them? It’s so easy to have a conversation but we have become cowardly in this life. We run from anything that might be hard, or even perceived as difficult. We forsake the meaning of friendship, and dishonor the meaning of love. At least Jesus didn’t give up on us. At least our savior knew how sinful, and awful we could be, and in the dying breaths still forgave us of our sins, our trespasses, our constant ability to fall short of what we ought to be. No matter how awful we can be, Christ loved us enough to give everything for us, so we could make a simple choice, to follow, or not. No one will ever make our choices for us, but our actions will speak for our character. As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, that his dream was for his “four little children will one day be judged not by the color of the of their skin, but by the content of their character.”  We now live in a world where people no longer care about the content of their character, so what is it we care about? The answer is sad, we care about self. We no longer care about the bonds of friendship, or the bond of holy matrimony, instead we care about our own happiness, we care only about what makes us feel good, and at a tiny drop of anything unpleasant we now abandon anything, and anyone. How far we’ve come from the teachings of Christ. How far we’ve fallen into the hands of Satan, and the only way out is the truly take a deep, long, hard look in the mirror and ask, who do I serve, is it God above, or is it the person staring back at you in the mirror?

 

 

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It’s a wonderful thing to be able to share the blessings and teachings of Christ with all of you. For those who read my works in Christ, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Recently I came across an amazing home business based in Travel and Entertainment that’s the real deal. The savings found through this business are amazing. If you shop online, like to go to movies, or travel, this gift card for you can save you up to 50%. Please enjoy your gift as a symbol of my appreciation and gratitude. God Bless.

The Lover After You

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The Lover After You

I was in love, and I was loyal, you took my heart, and you broke it. I took the blame, it was all my fault. What did I do, that was so very wrong? Time went on, and time began to heal, God saw fit to send me to you. Years go by, and the love grew strong, till one day, something was wrong. You decided to leave, you found someone knew, despite the promises between me and you. I watched you leave, as my heart shattered, what could I do, a life without you?

It’s been two years now since my wife left, two years this month. As September is known in my life as the month of Hell, I find it fitting I have started trauma therapy in the month of September. There’s been a lot of emotions lately that have sprung forth from the deepest depths of my psyche, and I often don’t know what to do with them. I find myself longing for companionship now two years later. With very little activity in that department, I have found myself becoming discouraged. The advice I was given recently pointed out that my relationship and trust in God might not be as strong as it should be. I have been thinking about how complete my life would be if I found someone special, but the truth is, God it seems has other plans for me right now. I can’t help but wonder why God’s seen it fit to keep me alone, but in this time of separation, I need to be reminded of the power of the Holy Spirit and trust that God’s grace is sufficient for me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)9 “And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

It’s not an easy thing feeling alone and isolated. It’s not an easy thing to desire something with all your fiber of your being, and being told no over and over again. It’s not easy seeing so much happiness come from so much pain. Knowing that God works in every situation, and knowing that in ever instance we have a choice to work to bring glory to God in our actions, or to let opportunities pass us by. I can never be whole without God, and there’s a hole in my heart. It’s likely I’ve been trying to fill it and pack it full of hopes for the future and not actually asking God what His plan is for me. While God will sometimes give you the desires of your heart, God always answers prayers in His time, not our own. Sometimes unanswered prayers are the blessing, and we need to realize that God can not only see the present, but our future also. We must learn to turn to God and allow God’s love to fill us up. We must trust in the love of our Father and crawl into his lap when we feel sorrow. We must learn to trust in Him, and we must learn to be patient in our wait for prayers to be answered. We must learn to continue moving forward and continue running the race even while we wait for the Lord to grant us our desires. It’s not an easy thing waiting on the Lord but we must wait with faith, and know that in God’s time things are perfect for us, and we must be bold, we must be confident because that trust in the Lord must be absolute. We don’t have to like everything God does, but we have to respect it. We can argue with God all we want but we will always loose.

I wait for a new love to find me. I wait for the new tomorrow I have longed so much for. I wait, but I must learn to do so with more patience and more understanding. More importantly, I must remember that it’s not me that’s the problem. I must learn to treat myself with more respect. I must learn that I am worthwhile, and I am worthy of love. I must learn that I am not what I have believed for many years. I am not worthless, and I am worthy of someone’s love. I am special and I have a lot to offer someone that may come into my life. I cannot let the Devil tell me otherwise. I must keep my heart clean from the lies I’m told every day in my life. For so many years I’ve believed the lies that were told to me, and now I’m trying to rewrite a lifetime of beliefs that are harmful. It’s not easy to move forward after you loose something so precious to you. It’s not easy fighting back against the constant rejection and testing of your faith, but in all things Christ will overpower the lies of the Devil. Know in your heart that when someone leaves you, or when someone cheats, cheating isn’t about you it’s about them. It’s about their own personal gratification and what they will do to feel good, no amount of pain they cause others will stop them. You will find a new love someday, have faith in God, and trust in the plan.

Are You Special?

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Are You Special?

Can you sing or dance, draw or write? Are you good with people, and empathetic to their needs? Are you good at doing budgets, or just drawing up flyers for the week? Once in a while, but if I’m honest more often then not, I don’t feel as if I’m special in any way. The world has been unkind to me and as I’ve been diving into some of the feelings residual from my many traumas I have questioned if I’m at all special in any way. The world (Satan) has taught me that I’m not special. From an early age faced with bullies, and troubles at home, then in my early relationships with women, and subsequent failed marriages, all I have known is rejection, abandonment, and failure. I have been conditioned to believe I am not worthy of love, and not worthy of grace. But in truth, this is all a lie.

Many of us put our self worth in the wrong place. Many of us place our value in our gifts, our talents, our homes, or cars, or jobs, but what happens when those things fade with time? What happens when we loose a long standing job, or a wife we loved most dearly? These things can make us feel low, and make us feel like we are failures in life. When my first wife had an affair and left I felt like I was kicked in the face. I questioned over and over what I had done wrong, and why I wasn’t good enough. I was tossed away like used trash. This would repeat itself just seven years later and I would once gain place my value in how good of a husband I was, by what someone else thought of me. I would nearly allow the disgrace crush me and destroy me.

Someone told me once, in life we carry a bag (rucksack). We walk along life and we constantly pick up rocks and put them in our bag. The longer we go the heavier the bag is and we can’t move under the weight. Life is the bag, and rocks are circumstances and events, and stress we encounter. If we choose to hold onto everything, and we choose not to ever drop any of those rocks, we will crush ourselves. Some rocks we have to keep, but others, we are free to let go. Cleaning out the bag is a choice and though letting some stuff go might be hard, eventually it’ll be like it was never there.

I have been told I am an excellent photographer and a fair writer. I could become famous for my writing, but that would never be why I’m special. It’s not about what I can do, or what any of us can do that makes us special. We aren’t special because of the gifts we are given, simply because we are given those gifts to be used to bring glory to God, so before God the gifts he gave us aren’t what makes us special at all. What makes us special is being who we are meant to be before an almighty God. What makes us special is that Christ died for us freely, in love He sacrificed himself so that we may one day live to love God, know Jesus, and in the end die and join Jesus in Heaven. We are special because God placed life in each and every one of us. God handcrafted every single person for a divine purpose. We are created in love, and scripture tells us just how important we are. Luke 12:7“Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” God knows every hair on our head and if God knows even the smallest details, how can we not be important.

Psalm 139:13-16“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” We are Gods works, we are Gods creation and we can hide nothing, every dark thought, every dark desire, God see it all. No matter how badly we mess up, God loves us regardless. We may see our self worth in the things we do in this life, but we ought to see it in the love given to us by God. Psalm 139:14“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

 We are all sinners. We all are born in sin and those who do not have a strong moral compass will do the most damage and harm. If we understand what the nature of sin is, understand where our salvation comes from, and truly understand what God tells us love is, then we find our true value. It’s not in people, or the talents we have, or the things we do, it’s grace, it’s forgiveness. If each of us makes mistakes then we shouldn’t allow someone else to determine our value. We should never allow another person to steal our joy. We must put our value, our joy, and our hope in one place, Jesus Christ.

I may be a fair writer, a decent photographer, a Master Lego Builder, but it doesn’t matter what I do, or how much I love, I am nothing without Jesus. I know I am loved by Jesus and nothing will ever take that love away. I know that no matter how many people reject me, or turn their backs on me, or never give me a chance, I am important to God my (Abba) Father. I shall never know hatred before God, or be let down by God in any way. I am not worthy of God’s love, but in grace alone I am given hope. Through Love, real Love, I am blessed with a forgiveness I could never earn, yet I have anyway. I will grow old and one by one I will stop writing, I will stop taking photo’s, and one day I will stop building beautiful Lego sets, but I will never stop loving Jesus. I will never stop proclaiming the truth that tells each and every one of us, why we are something special. It doesn’t matter what mistakes we make because we are always just one step away from Jesus. Jesus is always waiting for us.

If you don’t know the truth and the love of Jesus Christ, let me pray for you today. Father God, I come here humbled before you, lowest as I can go, and I know that without you I am nothing Father. I know that you created me for a purpose, and no matter the hardships I’ve faced, or the demons that tempt me in the night; you are the lighthouse guiding me home. Your Love and mercy abound me with the soft blanket to comfort me in the cold. I know there are many out there who do not know your love, and if any come before you today, I pray their hearts be softened, and allow that door to open. I pray hearts burst open wide and accept who your Son is, why your Son came for every single one of us, and believes with their whole heart the truth that is the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I pray that we come before Jesus humble and gracious for the life we have to look forward to in Heaven. I pray that we don’t wait for tomorrow because tomorrow isn’t promised to us. I pray we know what we have to do today, and in our darkest hours you will come before us shining like a lighthouse out to sea, guiding us back to the safe harbors. I thank you my God for giving me talent with words, and an understanding of your Holy Scripture to reach out to those around the world, to bring honor and glory to your Sons most Holy of names, it’s in His name I pray Jesus Christ. Amen.

 

 

 

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It’s a wonderful thing to be able to share the blessings and teachings of Christ with all of you. For those who read my works in Christ, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Recently I came across an amazing home business based in Travel and Entertainment that’s the real deal. The savings found through this business are amazing. If you shop online, like to go to movies, or travel, this gift card for you can save you up to 50%. Please enjoy your gift as a symbol of my appreciation and gratitude. God Bless.

Why Won’t You Change For Me?

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Why Won’t You Change For Me?

(Spoilers Batman & Robin)

Recently I was thinking about my life and my old relationships. When I think changing for others I think back to when Dick Grayson left Wayne Manor. Dick ends up leaving because of differences. Dick didn’t like Batman’s methods of getting information from criminals. Eventually Bruce, displeased with Dick’s decision to lead the Titans, he would be forced to retire as Robin. This caused Dick to leave Wayne Manor. A long feud because both viewed their ways as right neither willing to change. We often look to our friends, but more importantly our spouses to change to fit our expectations. The thought process of trying to get someone to change for you or because of you will undoubtedly create strife and resentment. When we assume or try to change someone we are the ones with unrealistic expectations.

 Galatians 6:4-5“4 But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. 5 For each one shall bear his own load.” In life there is one person we are truly responsible for (excluding parents) and that’s ourselves. We must learn to understand people cannot be forcibly changed. We cannot live our lives expecting everyone to do things our way, or do what we want. We cannot expect everyone to believe in the same thing we do. I have struggled in my life trying to understand why I was never ‘good’ enough for people in my life. I have always tried extremely hard to please my significant other and yet I would fail. I would not only carry my own problems, but I would take on every one else’s around me also. I would give everything I could and wonder why I never received as much in return. That should have raised a red flag for me, but sadly it never did. I ignored so much in my life and ultimately it would leave me broken hearted and let down. It would take me years to finally realize the lesson in front of me. God creates a person as half of a whole. When we find our half we will fit together, but if we try to force two pieces together that aren’t quite the right shapes they may ‘work’ but it’s not the perfect fit. There’s a reason love is never keeping score, never boasting, never rejoicing in faults. When the right two people are right for one another they will both lift each other up and not tear down. When the right two people are together they becomes their best selves. The problem then is finding that other half.

In the Lord Of The Rings Series we see Faramir one of two children of Steward Denethor II of the Relm of Gondor. Denethor resented Faramir and in the eyes of his father he was never worthy of his love. The eldest son Boromir would hold his fathers love and Faramir would be sent on a suicide mission just to please his father. To please his father he nearly sacrificed his own life. This is an extreme lesson but I believe it serves a purpose. Denethor couldn’t see his youngest sons worth because he had a particular opinion and instead of treating them as individuals, he wanted his youngest son to be more like the eldest. Sadly after his sons near death (mistakenly killed) Denethor in an act of self destructive grief, he dies after plunging off the top of Minis Tirith.

Fixer upper relationships might work when dealing with an old house, or maybe even an old car, but in a relationship it should be taken on with extreme caution. In every relationship I have entered where I could be there for them, and I could help the damsel in distress has ended horribly for me. Come to find out the fairytale of being the night in shining armor is just that, a fairytale. Once the self-esteem has been boosted, or they’ve gotten all they needed they would end up leaving. I didn’t consider myself the fixer upper man, but as I have taken it upon myself to help fix broken hearts, or wayward souls, the end result would never go well for me. It would take two divorces for me to finally realize the type of woman I would need in my life would be one who loves themselves. I would need to find someone who did not have a broken self-esteem. I would need to find someone who was strong and who’s faith in God was not in question. I would need to find someone who actually had similar passions and hobbies as myself. Moral of the story I would need to find someone completely different then the women I’ve had in my life.

The biggest thing in a relationship is understanding the only true change, positive change comes from Jesus Christ. We must always put Christ first, then our relationship. We must first learn to love who we are, rely on Christ and ourselves before we can expect to be something for someone else. We must also never expect someone else to fix us. We cannot be fixed by anyone but ourselves. And even with ourselves we cannot truly fix anything with Christ by our side. We must trust in the Lord in all of our days. 1 John 4:8“8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” If we do not know God we cannot truly understand love. If we do not believe in the Love of Christ’s Sacrifice we may never know what real love is. There are days when love isn’t easy and it might take everything you have to stick in it, but Love is Patient. But most importantly, love suffers long. Ephesians 4:2“2 with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love,” We must always be patient and understand that we need to not just be patient for others, but also ourselves. People will fall, and people will fail, it’s a nature of life. The thing with love though is we must stand by someone and not fail them by walking out. When we abandon love we are guilty of sin also for not living up to what love is. 1 Peter 4:8“8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” Sin is with us every day, and the only thing we can do about someone else’s sin is tell them how we feel, but most importantly pray for them.

One thing I have found is a need to fight someone’s insecurities. I have always felt I could fix what they felt was wrong with themselves. Really what I was doing was enabling them, and covering the wound with a Band-Aid, and that Band-Aid was me.  I covered the wound for so long that eventually I did offer healing, but as most wounds go when the wound is healed the dressing is discarded and thrown away. What I didn’t realize then, that I do now, is it wasn’t me they loved, it was how I made them feel. Eventually they would realize they didn’t need me anymore to feel that way, so I wouldn’t be needed any longer. I failed to evaluate my own relationships to scripture and thus when they ended in disaster ultimately I had only myself to blame. 1 John 4:18“18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” I have always been trusting in my relationships. I have always believed that if I needed to peek over someone’s shoulder, or invade privacy something was seriously wrong in the relationship. Jealousy and insecurity have no place in a relationship because ultimately they are fears. If you’re with someone who has a propensity for lying, or cheating, there is a deeper problem to face. I dare say with someone who’s a liar or a cheater is not walking with Christ.

While we are all sinners those who are not of the faith are different then those who’ve fallen in sinful ways. We must not forsake our own faith and be unequally yoked with non-believers. We must also remember to follow scripture. 1 Corinthians 15:33“Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” This is not saying do not pray for those in need, and try to guide and minister to those in need, but rather not to be influenced by bad behavior. Remember, no matter how much you may ‘love’ someone that does not mean they are good for you. It’s best to learn early what your current situation is, and always review scripture and compare your life to the word of God.

 

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It’s a wonderful thing to be able to share the blessings and teachings of Christ with all of you. For those who read my works in Christ, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Recently I came across an amazing home business based in Travel and Entertainment that’s the real deal. The savings found through this business are amazing. If you shop online, like to go to movies, or travel, this gift card for you can save you up to 50%. Please enjoy your gift as a symbol of my appreciation and gratitude. God Bless.

What Do You See?

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What Do You See?

My God I sit here on my bed tonight and I ask what do you see in me? You’ve given me so much, and yet the flesh of this body betrays me. The scars that burn inside and out with regret and self-pity. The scars that burn as a reminder of what I’ve lost, where I’ve been, and hopefully where I’m going. Weeks like this week when the Devil’s been on the attack, wearing me down, I look to you my Lord, my Father, and I pray because I know I can’t do it on my own. The dark side of me has come bubbling up from the deep dark crevices in which it slumbers. I would go so far as to call it self pity, but days like today I feel the struggle longing for that special someone to spend time with. I know You are preparing me for something great, and I know my path is perfect for your plan, but today I feel my strength is not where I know it should be. Psalm 91:4“4 He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and [a]buckler.” I look to the sky and pray your grace be sufficient for me. 2 Corinthians 12:9“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

I sit here and write what’s on my heart, and I wonder what it is you see in me. I wonder why this message has been laid on my heart. I wonder if someone else feels the way I do tonight. I know it’s wrong, but I envy much, and I ask for forgiveness of my sin. I see so many with smiles and loved ones on their arm. I see so many posting and planning for new babies. It feels so unfair that I’ve tried so long and here I’m made to wait. It feels like you’ve gone away but I know that’s not true. I can’t see the purpose but I have faith in you, and not in my own sight. I reach to the sky and call out your name, and I ask please show me a sign.

I know that in this life we have our ups and downs, and we just have to ride the roller coaster and trust we know where you’re leading our train. This week I feel as if I were taken down back behind the woodshed and received a beating. One thing I’ve learned is you can only go so far down before the ride goes back up. And when I get a beating like this it means I’m doing something right for the glory of the Father. I can only sit and ride out the rough patch, but have faith. It’s a fool who only celebrates the good times. It’s a fool who only wants to hear ‘positive vibes’. We do not live our life in a bubble. We do not live our lives in hibernation during the rainy season of our lives. What we need to do is train our minds to see how our struggles can be turned into blessings. While this is far from easy, we are told not to worry about tomorrow. We are told in scripture to focus on today, the here and now. So, in light of what scripture tells me, I shall leave you with this short message. Go out there and feel the grass. Hug your children, kiss your significant other, and enjoy the day. Go forth today no matter what your situation is and find a few things you can be thankful for. Thank God for answered prayers, and also those that have been turned down, and those yet unanswered. Have faith, and never give up hope on our Father.

 

 

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It’s a wonderful thing to be able to share the blessings and teachings of Christ with all of you. For those who read my works in Christ, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Recently I came across an amazing home business based in Travel and Entertainment that’s the real deal. The savings found through this business are amazing. If you shop online, like to go to movies, or travel, this gift card for you can save you up to 50%. Please enjoy your gift as a symbol of my appreciation and gratitude. God Bless.

Am I pretty?

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Am I pretty?

Have you been judged by the way you look? Most of my life I have been judged by my looks and I’ve struggled to make peace with the horrible experiences I’ve had. No matter how much I change my look, change my approach, I have been left with a simple truth, it’s not God’s plan. I have struggled making that peace, and when I look in the mirror I don’t see the man I once knew. Just over two years ago, I looked in the mirror and saw a husband with a beautiful wife, and I knew we weren’t perfect, but I was happy. I allowed myself to break and crumble and as I have put myself back together it’s a fractured mirror. Recovery takes time and one of my biggest failings is caring so much about what other people think of me. I have allowed people to dictate my value, and I know that me believing in that is believing the lies Satan is feeding me. The hard part is not knowing they are lies, it’s being able to change my perception. Of course when we are met with questions in life the only true way to find answers is to go to scripture.

Although this message was for wives I believe men can also learn from it. 1Peter 3:3-4“3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the [a]incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” We must focus on the inward appearance and ensure that we are beautiful people in spirit and personality. We must trust and have faith that God will one day put the right person in our path to accept us who we are. Relationships aren’t about changing someone; they are about accepting someone for who they are, faults and all. When you’re in the right relationship you will naturally become your best self.

It’s not easy when you’re rejected because no one likes to feel unwanted. In the last several months I have begun talking with people who rejection seems to be all they know. One thing I’ve been learning about ministry is your message is best received from those whom you can relate. After two affairs, and two years of non-stop rejections, I find I am being placed on a path where I have yet to learn the object of the lesson. I firmly believe that if you are experiencing the same thing over and over again it’s either, you’re making the same mistakes, or, God’s trying to teach you a lesson. I’m reminded of an episode of Arrow. Oliver Queen is trying to teach his new recruits on object lesson and the object is to learn the object of the lesson. In life we must understand that for every situation we encounter a lesson can be learned. Something can be taken away and used in every instance. Nothing in our lives should be wasted.

No matter what the world tells you, you are beautifully created. External beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you will be beautiful to someone. Don’t allow your identity to be defined by others. God has made you, and God doesn’t want us to be alone. Someone is out there for each of us. We need to make sure we are living in the will of God, and when the time is right, and we are actively serving God, good things will happen. I know I struggle with patience and I absolutely hate being single, but I know that God is working things out for me. I know I need to ignore the rejections, and the never-ending lonely nights. I need to ignore those who feel the need to ghost people, and those who are selfish and shallow. I need to accept who I am, and who God has made me to be. I cannot change it so much like the serenity prayer“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;  courage to change the things I can;  and wisdom to know the difference.”

 

Hold On

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Hold On:

In the course of our lives we will go through a mound of trials, one more intense then the next, but what are we really doing with those experiences. My personal experiences have left scars and those scars have been an irritant for many years. I’ve struggled most of my life with low self esteem, and that’s had a major impact on my adult life. When we go through painful events if we don’t have a strong foundation those events can start to pile up and leave us feeling self-conscious, bitter, and sometimes resentful. I know for me, I have argued with God on many nights why would He allow me to go through so much. I have often asked what I had done to deserve so many tragedies. I have been angry with God for so many people abandoning me. The thing is though, had I been more mature in my faith I would have understood the true nature of being a Christian. I would have understood that God loves us, but He is first and foremost our father. He disciplines us when we are bad, and allows us to make our own decisions, good or bad. He cries when we cry, and laughs when we laugh. Jesus Christ is always with us whether it be the green meadow, or the valley of death, the Lord is always by our side. Somewhere I lost sight of that, and begun to self-pity. I failed to realize that we are the metal, and life is the forge. We have the ability to face life with a smile on our face, or we can let life beat us down and take away our joy.

Scripture is full of promise concerning living life. We are told that life will not be easy. We are told that to be a Christian is to suffer. We are warned that we will face trials, and persecution for our faith. 1 Corinthians 4:8-9 8 “[We are] troubled on every side, yet not distressed; [we are] perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;” If we build our faith on good soil, allow Jesus Christ to fill our hearts and let it take root, we will have good fruits for our labor. We will not wither under the hot sun. When we allow Christ to be our foundation we can build our lives on that, and when the storm comes we will not loose everything. Philippians 4:13  “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”Do not become angry with God for the sins of man. Do not become bitter with God for the trials we face simply makes us stronger. In every situation both good and bad draw closer to God. Give thanks for the good times and the bad. Pray for God every day and every night and in all things bring glory to the father. 1 Peter 5:10  “But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle [you].” We know that we are ambassadors for Christ, and to be an ambassador that means we are not on our homeland, but in a foreign land. We are not home in this world, but just passing through. That knowledge, that viewpoint allows us to grasp the true nature of this life, and understand it’s purpose. We are lowly servants to the Lord and we deserve nothing, but through grace and love we are saved. We have been shown mercy and in that mercy and love comes a cost, the cross. Christ suffered in this world for us, and for the gift of salvation the price we pay is a little suffering on our path. 1 Peter 4:12-13“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.”

Though we face the fiery trials we are not alone. We are the church and we must stand together and help one another bare burdens. We must lean on one another in our times of need. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” Christ tells us we will suffer, and he was telling all people who follow him what the future would hold. This is prophecy, and we should take heed to it. John 16:33“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”Heaven has never been free. While the price was paid in blood, it is us that must understand that Christ is the only way. Loving Christ and having faith that he is our one and only savior is how we get that golden ticket. We are tested in this world, tested if our faith is strong. We are forged in the fires and when our time comes, we will be strong, courageous, and faithful to our Lord.

Just know that following Christ was never promised to be easy. Just when you think things are going well, and you’re on a winning streak a pipe burst under the house and floods the crawl space. The Devil doesn’t want us to be happy and He wants us to turn on God and walk away. So keep the faith, deal with one problem at a time, and keep pushing forward.

 

img_0128

http://www.travelrewardsus.com

http://hangout.paid2save.com/

It’s a wonderful thing to be able to share the blessings and teachings of Christ with all of you. For those who read my works in Christ, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Recently I came across an amazing home business based in Travel and Entertainment that’s the real deal. The savings found through this business are amazing. If you shop online, like to go to movies, or travel, this gift card for you can save you up to 50%. Please enjoy your gift as a symbol of my appreciation and gratitude. God Bless.

Chasing Waterfalls

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Chasing Waterfalls

I have spent years looking for what was right in front of me, but sadly I couldn’t see the things I needed the most in my life. The first thing I needed to find was my own place in God’s love. The second was to realize how in a fleeting moment I would loose the women I had loved with my whole heart. Although I always felt like I gave her everything I possibly could, perhaps there was one more thing I could have given to her, my fear. I never once thought the day would come when she wouldn’t be standing by my side so I never felt the need to be jealous, or concerned with other guys. I consider now the two things in my life I needed the most and yet now after I lost so much, it feels like I may be too late. If I only had a chance to say my hearts desire and have them be heard could I change my fate? Tomorrow the sun will rise and I will have one of my failings be placed on the right path, but the other, I have a heavy heart. The women I loved is still gone because of my own inaction, my own failures as a leader of my household, and I must accept the responsibility of her leaving. While I have been told time and time again I am not at fault, she was happy, and then she wasn’t. I cannot stand idly by and think there was nothing I could have changed. Still, in the here and now, all I have is my hope for her, and wish her the very best on her own path. If I could tell her how much she means to me, and how much I love her, I would. I don’t know if those words would ever mean anything anymore, but perhaps one day they might. I have my path I must walk, and though it saddens me we won’t be walking this path together, I pray that maybe a miracle may happen and she finds her way back to me. Today I find myself thinking of the resurrection of Christ, which is coming. I think of the pain and suffering Christ endured for the sins of man, and yet he took the pain, took the punishment for all of us. He alone carried the burdens of Sin and freely gave his life to give everyone hope. We could only be so lucky to provide hope to someone else.

In the months after it happened, I found myself trying to move forward, trying to put my life back together but there was always something. I have wrestled with my place in this world and as I have found one of them, the other seems as elusive as a waterfall hidden in the deepest jungles. I have found peace with myself for the first time I can remember. I think it’s fitting that this weekend is about resurrection. I think it’s time for me to make some changes in my life. While I would like my life to go back to the way it was, I realize that can never happen. I’ve become a much better person now then I was back then. I have come to find my self worth and now find it’s a little easier managing being alone. I question what my future holds for me. I wonder if I’ll get my own home soon, find a new job, meet anyone special, and as I search for the answers to these questions, I remind myself to have faith, be patient, and above all, have faith in the plan that is beyond my understanding. Trusting in God isn’t always easy, but it’s something we all have to come to grips with at some point in our lives. Proverbs 3:5-6 “5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

I struggle with my own thorns, and in my struggle I lean upon the grace and mercy of the Lord. I cannot spend all my time chasing a waterfall I may never find. I must learn to let go of the things I cannot change and focus on the things I can. I cannot focus on the things I want and will never obtain. I find myself reciting the serenity prayer in my head often these days. I pray for my scenery to change and hope perhaps one day it shall. I cannot say what my future holds, but as for my past, maybe some things will never be as gone out of my life as they should be. Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” It’s time for me to stop chasing the waterfalls and to focus on what’s in front of me. It’s time I give myself the respect I deserve and stop allowing others to make me feel badly about myself. I have spent so long putting so much faith in people for my own personal validation of my own self worth that it’s no wonder I feel like garbage. If I spend my time with people who are selfish, leaches who are only in a friendship so long as they benefit, that’s on me to keep floating towards the edge of that waterfall. I have been washed down river more then once, swept over the cliff and yet I wonder why when it’s me all along. I cannot change others, but I can change my own part in it. I can stop playing so close to the edge. It’s up to me to stick closer to friendlier waters. No longer will I play in the waters edge. I cannot, I must not put myself through that any longer. God give me strength to walk away, strength to heal, to find peace.

Set a Star and Sail Away

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Set a Star and Sail Away

Sometimes people will say things that are painful when they get angry. Sometimes we allow our own insecurities to take over and dictate our thoughts even to the point of how we feel of ourselves. Projecting is a part of life from time to time, but that never excused someone from saying things just to hurt someone else. I cannot hide from the truth, and I won’t. I will not allow someone to drag me down to their level. I had a moment of weakness in September and I did something horrible that affected my entire life. I have never intended harm on anyone else, and even when I was treated horribly I maintained respect and love. But I am not going to gravel for peoples attention. I am not going to give and fight for something that should be inherently given. If you care about someone you make sure they know it. If you love someone that person should be a part of your thoughts and prayers. If I am not desirable to someone as a potential love interest then I can do better. I refuse to be beaten down any longer. I refuse to settle because my fears tell me too. I refuse to believe I am sub standard because others have treated me as such. I refuse to not seek for that person who will complete me. I know that for every person God has someone out there for you, so why have I allowed in my life people to degrade me and disrespect me. I myself have failed but within that failure has never been a point where I was willing to abandon those I care about. I refuse to allow anyone to hurt me like this again and I refuse to settle for someone who doesn’t share the same beliefs and interest as myself. This post is directed towards myself and my own inability to reach for what I deserve. I have interests, and dreams, and goals, and I have yet to find someone who shares those with me. Not anymore. I will not settle just so I am not alone. If someone cares for me for who I am I hope they might speak up. Make themselves known. I for one have kept quiet too often in my life and let opportunities slip by me. Well I am not doing that anymore. The fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection will no longer dictate my path. Anyone who drags me down will be cut from my life. I will not allow anyone to sink my ship. I am who I am and if you don’t like it, you can get off my bridge. I am in command of this vessel and I choose the course, I choose the crew that will help me along my way. God is my star and I will set sail by that light. Don’t like it, too bad.