Tag: personal

Ticktock

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Ticktock ticktock goes the clock. Time inches ever closer. What will they find, when they look inside? Narrowing narrowing. The curve is wrong, it’s all wrong. Big bulge little bulge, pushing through. It tingles and hurts, but what will they find? A needle here, and some fluid there. Big risks, little risks, but what will they find? So many thoughts, today, tomorrow. How to manage the storm inside. Ticktock ticktock goes the clock. The clock of time, time stalking it’s pray. I hear it now, the clock, the shuddered footsteps creeping behind. Look what you’ve done to me, you all corrupted time. The fall into sin, the broken, the pain. Stalking me down the hall, just waiting for me to fall. Ticktock ticktock, matches with my body, a little snap, crackle, pop. Run the race, endurance, it never stops. Run run, faster, it comes for us. Number my days, to grow in wisdom, the mind sharp, the body frail. Oh Lord help me today, and tomorrow. Faith I have, a purpose for me. We all expire, today, tomorrow, we never know. Run run towards the light. Ticktock ticktock, I won’t give up the fight.

Grief out of Love

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“What is Grief, but love persevering.” Vision

There is no question that life can be hard. Life can leave us broken, battered on the floor. We ask why, why God? We find ourselves alone, lost, in a world full of pain. We lose people we love. Betrayed and sold out by those we cherished. Ignored by friends. Passed over for a promotion at work. Watch a child pass away. Bury a parent after years fighting dementia. We ask why God. We need God, we cannot make it through this alive without God. It is said that God never puts more on us than we can handle. This is utterly not true. God allows us to go through trials and tribulations because his will is perfect. We are not to rely on our own faulty strength but rather, we are to turn to our Abba Father to deliver us from evil. Philippians 4:13 ESV “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” If we relied on our own strength we would fail. Isaiah 41:10 ESV “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” It is Gods strength that sees us through. When left to our own path, our own desires, we often make our situation worse. Life hurts sometimes. Heartbreak happens. This life we live surrounded by the very presence of sin, we are often caught in the sights of sin, or collateral damage to sin, or the origin of the sin impact. This world leaves battle scars. No one gets out of this life without them. No matter who you are, where you come from, you’re going to end up with scars. Fear not says the Lord. Jesus says when you face tribulations, John 16:33 33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you [a]will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Face the world daily and turn to God for everything. Do not pity yourself or the dead, for if they knew the Lord they have not died, but are truly alive. It’s okay to grieve, to miss someone’s presence. Turn to God and find peace.

THE SILENCE GROWS

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The silence grows

I write to you, even pour out feelings, but met with silence. I took the time, I write and write. Day after day, I take my time to beak the silence as I reach out to you. So many out, and nothing in return. Years of building relationships. Years of extensive, extending a hand in friendship. Picking up the phone from every call and message. I extended my wallet, my ear, my trust, my heart, and now it’s silence. A fool I’ve been, I couldn’t see, because I didn’t want too perhaps, my kindness used and abused. In my own time of need you were no where to be found. How could I have been so blind. The years of darkness I felt, suddenly creeps back in. The seeds fall and grow choking the life and happiness from my life. Abandoned yet again, the flash in my mind, as history repeats itself. Broken on the floor the tears just won’t flow. I do not know why, or how I got here. The color fades to black and white, the hurt a crushing feeling that buries in shame. The darkness settles in like an old friend. Must I say goodbye? Must I feel such loss yet again? Is this natures pruning? Did I mean so little to so many? Was I a convenience at the time, and without warning or word, expendable? History it seems repeated again. What have I learned? How to break, how to hurt. I’ve learned so much and yet again, here I am. The lessons seem to fade to mist. What can I do, when I reach for you, I reach and reach, into the darkness. I reach and lunge but like casting the fishing line, it comes up empty, every time. I see you there, you’re always around, but my hand you don’t take, a reach into the folly.

You’re not my enemy, I pray for you, I drop

to my knees and wish happiness upon you. I ask nothing of you except friendship. I have heard your tears. I’ve listened to your screams. You even once, heard mine. So close, but now ships passing on a fog filled night. Should I let go? Should I call out louder? Will my cries be heard? If you wanted to talk wouldn’t you reach out? What should I do? A broken heart makes poor choices. But, it isn’t just broken, but angry. Years and years of open roads. The pouring out of memories, feelings, thoughts, and now the road ends, the road I’d taken for years, can no longer be traveled. An absence, and yet a carrot dangled in front of me, teasing me, a sign, or is it?

I place so much in all the wrong places. I crave acceptance. I crave being wanted, and needed by others. I crave feeling important. I place that up high, an endless race I could never win. How many must I loose before I see the truth? How many must walk away before I find my value elsewhere? I walk miles upon miles seeking what I could never have. A hollow hole, unable to be filled. Jesus set me free from this cycle I find myself in. Jesus set me free from this pain. These shackles bind me and break me. Jesus be my chain breaker and show me a better way. Heal these wounds of the ages, and heal my broken heart. Jesus heal me and light my way home. Jesus my heart hurts, broken from saying goodbye. Jesus you pieced me together atom by atom, cell by cell. You’ve watched me grow, suffer, laugh and cry. Jesus you know my heart is breaking to pieces. Jesus lift me up and dry my tears. Take me out of this place and show me my value in you. Jesus show me that there’s more then this. Jesus my light on the hill, my shepard come find me, a lost sheep in the wilderness. I cannot do this on my own. I am fragile but strong. My heart breaks but I am not broken. I hurt, but I do not crumble to the ground. Jesus my rock, the rock, my foundation, my anchor in the storm, you save me when my sails are torn, and the keel creaks in the rough waters of this storm. Jesus my Lord, Jesus my light, dry my tears and guide me back, guide me to safety, my Lord. I cannot do this without you. I cannot stay in the darkness. I cannot stay in the silence. I long for Harold of the angels. I crave the sound of the choir of Heaven. I seek your face my Lord, I seek you in the darkness, lift me up, save me, save me from myself, this world, this hurt. Show me the blessings, so many abound around me. Teach me to number my days, so I may grow a heart of wisdom. Teach me to manage when I’m at the still waters, the green meadows, or the shadow of death. In you I trust my Lord. You hear my cries, deliver me from this toil.Free me. To you I pray.

God Never Fails

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God Never Fails

We may fault and even break in our lives. We may fall to anger and we let our own fears dictate and rule over our emotions.

I can remember a time in my life when I was so angry with God. I fully believed that God was cruel, and mean, and vengeful. I felt that my suffering was because God sat back and did nothing while my tears and blood stained the ground. I let my fear turn to anger and anger clouds judgment. I was terrified and even though my feelings fit the facts, I didn’t cope very well. I forgot one major part of following Christ, having the trust that we’d never be left alone. I forgot to have faith and know that I didn’t cause what happened to me, and neither did God. People are sinful and make their own choices. People choose to walk along the dark path away from God. Sadly by the time I realized where I had gone wrong I was laying on the ground bleeding out.

We all have choices in our lives and sometimes our emotion mind is in full gear and nothing else seems relevant. The actions that come from full-blown emotion mind can be wonderful, but also disastrous. The years come and go and the debris still litters the ground with the destructive hurricane force of stupid decisions.  One feeling that has remained is that of weakness. When the pain and fear take over and decisions are made from EM, even as rare as that might be, I often find myself feeling weak. I don’t usually have a problem with temptations, but feelings of worthlessness, grief, regret, those are my biggest enemies apart from a constant feeling of loneliness. I know 2 Corinthians12:9  “He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Despite knowing what scripture says, it’s hard to fill my heart with it to the point where something fundamentally changes. Reality is much harder then I personally think it should be.

When my ex wife had an affair I stayed loyal to her. I stood by her side when another man was brought to the house. I stood by her side when I was placed in jail over something that was a lie. All of which I was exonerated, but the point was I stood by her side. People often asked me why I continued to be there for her despite the things she would do. I often placed myself in Gods shoes and I thought about all the times we let down God. All the chances we are given to right wrongs, and while God can see our hearts, I had to trust that in time my ex wife would one day come around. Two years later today, we are now divorced but we hold a friendship. I don’t necessarily agree with the path she’s taken, but she seems happy. Faith is the key, faith that people can change, and I know that one day my view of myself will change and I will see what God sees in me. It isn’t likely to be an easy path, but one I gladly take. When I stop placing my sense of value based on other people’s opinions of me, I know that I will believe in myself more.

Living in love every day isn’t easy when I don’t always feel that love. Facing rejections every day but learning to take them in stride is all part of the healing process. Joy comes from God and it’s important to remember salvation cannot be bought, it cannot be bribed, it can not be swindled, because it comes from the ransom Christ paid for our sins as he himself took on the wrath of the Father so we wouldn’t have to. No matter the path you’ve chosen in the past, the path before you, is your choice to walk or not. At any time you can choose to be different, you can choose to let Jesus Christ in your heart and become a new creation washed by the Holy Spirit. You can watch as your old self is burned away and what’s left is the Diamond built by God. You are Gods child and therefore royalty to inherit a place in Heaven for all eternity. Knowing this life is short but necessary, we can remind ourselves what’s important and continue to refocus our hearts to do Gods will, to bring Glory to the name of Jesus Christ and forever sing praises to our savior and our Heavenly Father.

Sunday verse of the day

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John 15:13 New King James Version (NKJV)

13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

It’s not just enough to say you care for someone, or even you love someone. Loving is doing, it’s showing people you care through actions. So instead of telling someone you love them today, do something kind and generous to show them you care.

Surgery, What Surgery?

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Surgery, What Surgery?

It’s been a year, but it hardly seems like it. With so many things different now then they were a year ago, it’s hard to believe it’s been that long. My recovery from a C5/C6 spinal injury and surgery has been slow, but in that year I have grown. I push myself and although there is a consequence, I decided early in my recovery I didn’t want to allow my injury to define me. Yes, there were things that changed forever, and I would always have difficulty doing certain physical activities, but I have come farther then I imagined in a year. Ironically, as I am at my anniversary I am starting physical therapy once again.

In a year since my surgery I have learned how to surf, I have rope climbed, and I have done a 40+ mile bicycle ride on a recumbent trike. I have come far, and I trust that I will continue to grow. I know I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not pushed myself along the way. There have been days when the pain was horrible and I could barely move, and there were days when I felt like I could run a mile. The difference between having pain, and allowing that pain to control you is strength. We must learn that to grow sometimes it means to suffer a little pain but the end result is worth it.

Christ tells us those who will pick up their cross and follow Him will have trials and tribulations. They will suffer persecutions, and will undoubtedly have friends and family turn their backs on you. He tells us that love suffers long, and if we are to love Christ we to must endure the sufferings because we are just ambassadors in this land. This is not my home. My home is a Heavenly one, and to get there I walk in a land that is not my own, amongst a people that will undoubtedly hate and despise me. The beautiful thing about human beings is also the most heartbreaking thing, free will. Although my options were limited when it came to my surgery, I still had a choice. I could have done nothing and likely died of meningitis, or I could have the surgery. While it doesn’t seem like much of a choice, I could have chosen death.

In the last year I have made the choice to become much more active with the Wounded Warrior Project, in which I’ve posted about extensively. During those times I was given the distinct pleasure of meeting some amazing people, amazing veterans, and I’ve made some wonderful friends. It all started with a choice to take a chance and move out of my comfort zone. I made the choice to go on my first adventure to South Carolina and that trip changed my life. Before my South Carolina trip I went on a non WWP trip to Hawaii. I would say that trip set the tone for me to explore beyond the walls of my house. I watched as I pushed myself just months after surgery to do things I never thought I’d be able to do again. I explored my ability and found I am capable of far more then I ever gave myself credit for. A capability that without doubt has been a gift from God.

In the last year I had surgery, I moved out of my house, I lost my job… twice, due to my injury. I got divorced, yet I’m still friends with my ex. I have continued with this Blog, and now I’m back in school. Beyond all of that I am looking at my future plans within the church and continuing my biblical studies accordingly. While my career has not advanced, and I’m not living where I’d like, I feel I am exactly where I am meant to be. I also feel I’m doing exactly what God wants me to do. I have faith in my Heavenly Father, and I know that regardless of my injuries, my status, or where I live, I will be used to further glorify my Father and bring honor to his most Holy of Names. Jesus Christ has saved me time and again and I shall continue to try and be contempt in where I am. Like Paul before me, I had my own Damascus road. I can’t simply go back and undo what happened to me. I know I must continue to push through my physical and emotional pains, and find strength in my own weaknesses through Christ my Savior. No matter how low your life looks, just know that it won’t always be that way. There is always hope. On the 3rdday scripture says He rose again. The disciples before that were hopeless, they felt lost, as most of them questioned who Jesus was. He rose again, and thus proved forever who he was, and settled the word as stone. Have faith and for every season, times will move forward. Don’t loose hope because Christ is with us always till the day we are called away from this land, then we shall finally go home and truly sit with the King.

 

PSA: I will be away for a few days, and thus, this will be the last post till I return. As always, you can email me if you need anything, or you can post your prayer request on the prayer request page. Go forth and look into your life and see how God is using you, using your gift to spread the love and Gospel of Jesus Christ. Don’t let whatever is holding you back keep you from your purpose. God has created each and every one of you with a mission and know that so long as you trust and have faith in God you can do anything. Keep fighting the good fight, and I look forward to posting on Monday…. Or Tuesday.

The Eye

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The Eye:

I have spent the last few weeks ministering to those whom I meet and it’s no surprise to everyone else, but a total shock to me, that the moment I would devote my life to ministry the door cracked open, the flood of people I would be ministering/counseling would skyrocket. In these few weeks I have found myself finding lost sheep everywhere I turn. I have felt as it Sauron’s great eye were watching me. No I’m not comparing Sauron to God, but I have felt as if I were being watched. The fact is, I have been. Our God is an almighty sovereign of the universe and He can watch every single one of us at the same time. Proverbs 5:21-23“21 For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the LORD, and he ponders all his paths. 22 The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. 23 He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray.” We think we know the right way, we think we know the path, but if we but see through the eyes of the Lord, we would not be so easily led astray, let to ruin, led by the flesh.

I have often found when we start to stray away from God we fall to the flesh, the desires of our sin nature and thus, we fall to the ever watchful eye. We are children and when we need it we are punished and corrected so we may get back onto the path away from Sin. Of course we all sin, we will all always fall short of perfection, but in this life we are always working to be as Christ like as possible. Hebrews 4:13 “And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”  God is so great, and so merciful and gracious, and yet we spit on our blessings, we turn our backs, we scoff at the Lord, it’s no wonder our society and our Nation have fallen so far.

We have allowed the great darkness to rise and spread through the land and like Mordor’s black army being raised, we are Gondor vastly outnumbered, and yet we stand at the ready to face the swarm of darkness. The evil eye of Satan watch and waits for our guard to be down before He strikes and tries to break our spirits, our resolve. If we are being watched by the enemy, why then are we not watching for Him? We are told in scripture to be mindful, to be watchful, and it’s no surprise. 1 Peter 5:8“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” If our enemy doesn’t sleep, what makes us think we can rest in this war? While there is a time for every season that doesn’t mean we become complacent.

When I was in the military and deployed to Iraq there was something I remember above all other signs. “Complacently Kills.” It was a Marine Motto. When you become relaxed on the battlefield that’s when the enemy is able to get the drop on you and kill you. We cannot expect the great deceiver to take a break so why should we? Don’t take your eye off the ball because when you do, we never know when, where, or how the attack will come, but rest assured it will. Remember to pray to the one who can actually do anything for us, the one which whom our strength comes from our Lord Jesus Christ.

Father God, I want to give thanks for the many blessings you have bestowed upon me, and the path you’ve placed me on. I know it’s not always been easy for me, and I know I have not always been the best of servants, and for that and my sins I ask your gracious forgiveness. I thank you for my readers, and that they be blessed as you’ve blessed me. I pray for the vast number of prayer requests that have been made to me this week. There so to many to count, and some potentially life threatening. You are Holy and I know that at any moment you could wave your hand and right the ship, change the course, and make smooth sailing, but to my own feeble understanding I am nothing compared to the picture of the universe within your hands. You have given us so much, and we give so little in comparison, I ask your mercy that I may better serve you, but more importantly I ask for your blessings of those whom I encounter. There are so many crying souls Lord, you hear them all, and I pray for them. Lord I have met so many lost sheep in the last few weeks, I feel overwhelmed with responsibility to spread the word, but to make a change. I realize I am just a link in the chain, so I ask patience and wisdom as to how to manage these emotions I feel.

 Father God I ask your continued blessings upon me, this blog, and my family which supports me so very much. I thank you for the animals you’ve placed in my life, Riley, Cooper, Roo. I want to thank you especially for Riley and her continued service to me. You know how much she aids me in my day to day life, and how much of a blessing she is, and I can never say it enough but thank you for everything she is for me. Father please watch over my church as we continue to preach your word, your truth, and please allow us to continue to repel the Devils attacks as he’s always trying to breach the defenses of the walls we’ve built. Please help us remain vigilant with your wisdom, your eyes, your patience. Please help us keep watch in the cold of the night, and in the longest of storms. We praise your name, and forever the glory to your son Jesus Christ. It’s all this I ask in yours Sons Holy and Precious name Jesus Christ,

Amen

 

 

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